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1
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It seems today that all you see
2
00:00:05,047 --> 00:00:08,258
Is violence in movies and sex on TV
3
00:00:08,342 --> 00:00:11,762
But where are those
good old-fashioned values
4
00:00:11,845 --> 00:00:14,806
On which we used to rely?
5
00:00:14,890 --> 00:00:18,101
Lucky there's a family guy
6
00:00:18,185 --> 00:00:21,438
Lucky there's a man who
Positively can do
7
00:00:21,522 --> 00:00:23,106
All the things that make us
8
00:00:23,190 --> 00:00:24,775
Laugh and cry!
9
00:00:24,858 --> 00:00:29,655
He's a family guy!
10
00:00:35,202 --> 00:00:36,745
This Tuesday on Lifetime,
11
00:00:36,828 --> 00:00:39,998
Valerie Bertinelli stars
in a Lifetime original movie.
12
00:00:40,082 --> 00:00:42,793
You know, Doctor, you said
you were going to cure my cancer,
13
00:00:42,876 --> 00:00:44,503
but all you did was rape me.
14
00:00:44,586 --> 00:00:46,672
I'm starting to think
I don't have cancer at all.
15
00:00:46,755 --> 00:00:50,634
Well, you're right, about the rape part,
but I'm sorry, you still do have cancer.
16
00:00:52,886 --> 00:00:54,513
Valerie Bertinelli in...
17
00:00:58,350 --> 00:01:02,479
Brian, did you know that
Daryl Hannah has one wooden finger?
18
00:01:02,563 --> 00:01:05,691
- Really? Where did you read that?
- In People magazine.
19
00:01:06,859 --> 00:01:09,194
Jillian, can you run
and get me a beer from the kitchen?
20
00:01:09,278 --> 00:01:10,946
Oh, yeah, sure, no problem.
21
00:01:11,029 --> 00:01:13,323
Hey, Jillian, you and Brian
got big plans tonight?
22
00:01:13,407 --> 00:01:16,118
Yeah. Brian's taking me to Disney On Ice.
23
00:01:17,327 --> 00:01:18,871
I want to go.
24
00:01:18,954 --> 00:01:21,248
Well, Peter, if you want,
you can have my ticket.
25
00:01:21,331 --> 00:01:24,293
What?
But, Brian, I thought you wanted to go.
26
00:01:24,376 --> 00:01:27,838
Stitch is going to do a skating duet
with Sebastian, the crab.
27
00:01:29,006 --> 00:01:30,591
It's not really my cup of tea.
28
00:01:30,674 --> 00:01:33,385
Plus, Walt Disney was
an outspoken anti-Semite.
29
00:01:33,468 --> 00:01:38,307
So, Disney, ABC, ESPN, Touchstone...
These would all be things to avoid.
30
00:01:38,390 --> 00:01:43,187
Well, oh, okay.
Peter, you want to go see Disney On Ice?
31
00:01:47,858 --> 00:01:49,401
Oh, God, yes!
32
00:01:49,484 --> 00:01:52,988
I'll be right back. I'm going to go
put on my Donald Duck costume.
33
00:01:53,780 --> 00:01:55,032
Ready.
34
00:02:00,329 --> 00:02:03,749
Meg, lend me 25 cents
so I can ride the toy airplane outside
35
00:02:03,832 --> 00:02:05,876
and make the immigrant kids jealous.
36
00:02:07,794 --> 00:02:10,672
Look at me.
I'm having a magical aerial adventure
37
00:02:10,756 --> 00:02:13,967
because my family has disposable income.
Here you go.
38
00:02:14,051 --> 00:02:17,221
- What is this?
- It's a pamphlet on why I'm bombing you.
39
00:02:17,763 --> 00:02:19,181
- Hey, Meg.
- Hi, Carl.
40
00:02:19,264 --> 00:02:20,724
Hey, how come
you're always here by yourself?
41
00:02:20,807 --> 00:02:22,351
Are you, like, a bitch or something?
42
00:02:22,434 --> 00:02:24,645
- No, I have friends.
- Oh.
43
00:02:24,728 --> 00:02:26,730
Well, you should bring some of them
in here.
44
00:02:26,813 --> 00:02:28,774
- Any of them have braces?
- Yeah.
45
00:02:28,857 --> 00:02:32,361
I love braces. My mom has them.
46
00:02:32,986 --> 00:02:37,241
Well, listen... I need disposable diapers,
but it looks like you're out.
47
00:02:37,324 --> 00:02:40,118
Oh, no, I got some in the stockroom.
Hang on.
48
00:02:40,202 --> 00:02:42,746
Oh, Vince Vaughn's on the cover
of Entertainment Weekly.
49
00:02:42,829 --> 00:02:45,082
Here's my summary
of every Vince Vaughn movie.
50
00:02:45,165 --> 00:02:47,334
"Oh, I'm incapable of loving
another person.
51
00:02:47,417 --> 00:02:49,378
"Oh, wait, no, I'm not. The end."
52
00:02:49,461 --> 00:02:52,256
I don't even want to look at his face.
53
00:02:52,756 --> 00:02:54,716
Stewie, what the hell are you doing?
54
00:02:54,800 --> 00:02:58,303
Oh, my God!
Now, I've got to clean all this up.
55
00:03:00,389 --> 00:03:02,099
Carl, I'm so sorry.
56
00:03:02,182 --> 00:03:05,185
Wow, Meg,
you alphabetized all the magazines.
57
00:03:05,269 --> 00:03:09,648
- Hey, you want a job?
- What? Me? Here? Yeah, sure.
58
00:03:09,731 --> 00:03:11,066
Great. You start tomorrow.
59
00:03:15,571 --> 00:03:17,322
- Hey, Chris.
- Hey, Meg.
60
00:03:18,115 --> 00:03:19,283
I don't have any money,
61
00:03:19,366 --> 00:03:22,786
so I'm going to have to pay
for these comic books with my poo.
62
00:03:22,870 --> 00:03:24,371
Chris, how come
you don't have any money?
63
00:03:24,454 --> 00:03:25,622
I thought you had a paper route.
64
00:03:25,706 --> 00:03:29,084
Well, I'm taking a sabbatical
to focus on my pottery.
65
00:03:29,168 --> 00:03:33,088
- Oh. How's that working out?
- Not good, Meg, not good.
66
00:03:33,172 --> 00:03:36,008
Well, maybe I could talk to Carl
and get you a job here.
67
00:03:36,091 --> 00:03:40,012
- You could do that?
- Absolutely. Carl totally trusts me.
68
00:03:40,095 --> 00:03:44,349
You and I will be the best brother-sister
team since Maggie and Jake Gyllenhaal.
69
00:03:44,600 --> 00:03:47,644
- I'm more off-putting.
- No, I'm more off-putting.
70
00:03:47,728 --> 00:03:50,147
I'm more unattractive
to put in a lead role.
71
00:03:50,230 --> 00:03:54,318
- Well, I'm a bigger box office drag.
- Kids, kids. You're both...
72
00:03:54,401 --> 00:03:55,777
Just awful.
73
00:03:59,072 --> 00:04:00,157
Oh, hi, Brian.
74
00:04:00,240 --> 00:04:02,201
I thought you were
spending the day with Jillian.
75
00:04:02,284 --> 00:04:04,620
I was, but Peter took her off my hands.
76
00:04:04,703 --> 00:04:07,289
Perfect timing. I've been feeling
a little smothered lately.
77
00:04:07,372 --> 00:04:09,625
Plus, it's given me a chance
to work on my novel.
78
00:04:09,708 --> 00:04:12,628
- And I finally have a title.
- Oh, what is it?
79
00:04:12,711 --> 00:04:15,464
"Faster Than the Speed of Love."
80
00:04:18,926 --> 00:04:21,094
That is the worst title I've ever heard.
81
00:04:21,178 --> 00:04:24,181
No, it's the story of a boy
who has to rescue his father,
82
00:04:24,264 --> 00:04:27,768
who's a pilot that's been taken captive
by a militant Islamic country.
83
00:04:29,144 --> 00:04:31,146
That's the movie Iron Eagle.
84
00:04:31,230 --> 00:04:34,733
What? Is that... Is that a recent film?
85
00:04:35,108 --> 00:04:37,319
They made three sequels!
86
00:04:37,402 --> 00:04:40,864
Yeah, well, in mine, the boy's got to
gather all these old World War II pilots
87
00:04:40,948 --> 00:04:43,158
to help him rescue his father.
88
00:04:43,242 --> 00:04:45,994
That's one of the sequels!
89
00:04:47,538 --> 00:04:50,791
Well, well, in mine,
one of the World War II guys is Japanese,
90
00:04:50,874 --> 00:04:52,626
but they accept him anyway.
91
00:04:54,127 --> 00:04:56,380
I'm going to pee in my pants!
92
00:04:59,049 --> 00:05:02,177
Boy, it sure is fun
hanging out with you, Peter.
93
00:05:04,888 --> 00:05:07,516
That means "thank you"
in my new language I'm inventing.
94
00:05:08,934 --> 00:05:11,186
Anyway, all I was saying is,
if you think about it,
95
00:05:11,270 --> 00:05:13,480
it shouldn't have been
Ferris Bueller's Day Off.
96
00:05:13,564 --> 00:05:16,024
It should've been Ferris Bueller's Day On,
97
00:05:16,108 --> 00:05:17,901
'cause that was all the stuff
he wanted to do.
98
00:05:17,985 --> 00:05:22,990
Yeah! And he was so on that day,
so it kind of works on two levels.
99
00:05:23,073 --> 00:05:26,159
Well, I don't know what you mean by that,
but how about that Cameron, huh?
100
00:05:26,243 --> 00:05:28,495
- Oh, definitely.
- Am I right?
101
00:05:28,579 --> 00:05:30,330
It was his day off, too.
102
00:05:30,414 --> 00:05:32,457
That is just what I was going to...
His day off...
103
00:05:32,541 --> 00:05:34,126
That is just what I was going to say.
104
00:05:34,209 --> 00:05:36,753
You know, you are a catch, young lady.
You know that?
105
00:05:36,837 --> 00:05:40,465
I don't know when the hell Brian is going
to open his eyes and get serious with you.
106
00:05:41,675 --> 00:05:43,051
I really wish he would.
107
00:05:43,135 --> 00:05:46,263
It'd be so great
if we were at least living together.
108
00:05:46,346 --> 00:05:48,557
Well, you need to
just lay it on the line with him.
109
00:05:48,640 --> 00:05:50,767
Either he commits to you, or you're gone.
110
00:05:50,934 --> 00:05:53,187
What the hell did you do?
111
00:05:53,270 --> 00:05:56,190
Because of what you said,
Jillian wants us to move in together!
112
00:05:56,273 --> 00:05:59,026
Well, I think you should, Brian.
She's beautiful, she's funny,
113
00:05:59,109 --> 00:06:01,862
and she is smart as the day is wide.
114
00:06:01,945 --> 00:06:05,741
Don't you understand? I don't want
a committed relationship with Jillian.
115
00:06:05,824 --> 00:06:09,036
Well, it sounds like she does.
And if you're never going to get serious,
116
00:06:09,119 --> 00:06:10,829
then you're not being fair to her.
117
00:06:10,913 --> 00:06:12,331
I mean, what are you, Brian?
118
00:06:12,414 --> 00:06:15,584
One of those creepy guys
who just uses a woman for sex?
119
00:06:15,667 --> 00:06:17,586
Because Jillian deserves better.
120
00:06:17,669 --> 00:06:19,963
She has feelings, you know,
121
00:06:20,047 --> 00:06:23,175
and she's devoted a lot of time
and energy to this relationship
122
00:06:23,258 --> 00:06:27,262
with some expectation that it could grow
into something much more significant,
123
00:06:27,346 --> 00:06:29,973
and if you're just stringing her along,
124
00:06:30,057 --> 00:06:33,227
well, then I got to say, I have lost
a lot of respect for you, Brian.
125
00:06:33,310 --> 00:06:35,187
You don't really think
I'm like that, do you?
126
00:06:35,270 --> 00:06:38,065
- Prove me wrong.
- All right, I will, Lois.
127
00:06:38,148 --> 00:06:41,902
I will ask her to move in with me,
and you'll see, I've got what it takes.
128
00:06:47,658 --> 00:06:51,453
Boy, you know, I got to tell you, Jillian,
this move is really working out great.
129
00:06:51,537 --> 00:06:55,499
- It just feels right, you know.
- Cool. Rock on, Brian.
130
00:06:55,582 --> 00:06:56,750
Okay, done.
131
00:06:59,920 --> 00:07:01,463
Stewie. Hey. What's up?
132
00:07:01,547 --> 00:07:03,757
Oh, I was just on my way
back from the cobbler.
133
00:07:03,882 --> 00:07:06,385
Figured before I stopped
by the apothecary, I'd come here,
134
00:07:06,468 --> 00:07:08,637
and then it's off to the haberdasher.
135
00:07:08,720 --> 00:07:11,557
These turn of the century business jokes
doing anything for you?
136
00:07:11,640 --> 00:07:13,475
- Not really.
- Did you use the jokes?
137
00:07:13,559 --> 00:07:15,477
Yeah, they're not landing.
138
00:07:16,854 --> 00:07:20,607
- Got your mail. So, how's it going?
- I tell you, Stewie, it's going great.
139
00:07:20,691 --> 00:07:23,402
And that's the worst part.
I can't afford the rent.
140
00:07:23,485 --> 00:07:25,612
I'll be lucky if I can make it
to the end of the month.
141
00:07:26,572 --> 00:07:27,698
Sounds like you need a roommate.
142
00:07:27,781 --> 00:07:30,909
- Where did you get that kind of money?
- I picked up Chris's paper route.
143
00:07:34,079 --> 00:07:38,250
Oh, OshKosh B'Gosh,
it's a brand new paperboy.
144
00:07:38,333 --> 00:07:40,335
That's a mighty full sack you're carrying.
145
00:07:40,419 --> 00:07:44,256
- Piss off, you perverted old freak!
- Oh, we got a fighter.
146
00:07:47,843 --> 00:07:50,137
Wow, you were almost in a dirt bike race?
147
00:07:50,220 --> 00:07:52,639
Yeah, yeah, I filled out
most of the paperwork, too.
148
00:07:52,723 --> 00:07:56,351
- You are the coolest guy I have ever met.
- Yeah?
149
00:07:56,435 --> 00:08:00,439
Hey, guys. Chris, I need you to
stack the boxes in the back for me.
150
00:08:00,856 --> 00:08:03,108
You know what, Meg?
Why don't you do that?
151
00:08:03,192 --> 00:08:06,278
- I need Chris up here with me.
- But the boxes are really heavy.
152
00:08:06,361 --> 00:08:08,322
Oh, that's 'cause
there's a bunch of stuff in them.
153
00:08:09,239 --> 00:08:10,240
Chris?
154
00:08:11,408 --> 00:08:12,451
Yeah.
155
00:08:12,951 --> 00:08:15,120
Chris, you ever see
the movie Cruel Intentions?
156
00:08:15,204 --> 00:08:16,205
No.
157
00:08:16,288 --> 00:08:19,791
Oh, Selma Blair and Sarah Michelle Gellar
make out. It's pretty hot.
158
00:08:20,459 --> 00:08:22,252
47 minutes, 16 seconds in.
159
00:08:22,336 --> 00:08:23,837
- No way.
- Yeah, yeah.
160
00:08:23,921 --> 00:08:25,088
You know what's another great movie?
161
00:08:25,172 --> 00:08:27,549
Career Opportunities with
Jennifer Connelly.
162
00:08:27,633 --> 00:08:29,843
I mean, that's one of those movies that...
163
00:08:29,927 --> 00:08:33,680
I mean, she's really hot in it,
but it's also a good movie.
164
00:08:33,889 --> 00:08:36,642
She was in A Beautiful Mind,
and I've got to say,
165
00:08:36,725 --> 00:08:41,313
the direction was excellent,
but I was very disappointed that she...
166
00:08:41,396 --> 00:08:43,941
Wore clothes the entire film.
167
00:08:44,024 --> 00:08:45,692
Was she hot in it?
168
00:08:45,776 --> 00:08:50,239
Yeah, in the way that, like,
classy women with expensive clothing
169
00:08:50,322 --> 00:08:53,116
who never take them off are hot,
you know?
170
00:08:53,909 --> 00:08:55,410
- No.
- All right.
171
00:08:55,494 --> 00:08:57,246
So, like, you see a hot girl,
172
00:08:57,329 --> 00:08:59,957
and you're, like, "Okay, I appreciate
your exterior beauty
173
00:09:00,040 --> 00:09:01,416
"'cause you've definitely worked at it
174
00:09:01,500 --> 00:09:04,795
"with the clothing, and the jewelry,
and the makeup and stuff."
175
00:09:04,878 --> 00:09:08,131
But secretly, I'm just, like, "Hey, man...
176
00:09:08,215 --> 00:09:11,593
"Where is the chase
and how do I cut to it?"
177
00:09:11,677 --> 00:09:13,095
Wow, you're smart.
178
00:09:15,222 --> 00:09:16,515
What?
179
00:09:19,810 --> 00:09:23,146
Listen, I hope you don't mind
Stewie staying with us for a little while.
180
00:09:23,230 --> 00:09:26,358
He... He just gets really lonely
without me at home.
181
00:09:26,441 --> 00:09:30,362
You're so fatherly. It really turns me on.
182
00:09:31,655 --> 00:09:35,284
Brian, there's no more
graham crackers.
183
00:09:35,367 --> 00:09:38,245
- They're in the cabinet.
- I don't see them.
184
00:09:38,328 --> 00:09:41,582
They're right in front of you.
Which cabinet are you looking at?
185
00:09:41,665 --> 00:09:44,793
- Can't you just come in here?
- No, I'm busy!
186
00:09:46,712 --> 00:09:51,216
Oh, no! Oh, no, Brian!
187
00:09:51,592 --> 00:09:53,927
Oh, no! Oh, no!
188
00:09:54,011 --> 00:09:56,930
Oh, Brian, we need paper towels!
189
00:09:57,014 --> 00:10:00,893
Oh! Oh, it's going under the fridge! Oh!
190
00:10:00,976 --> 00:10:03,437
- Just use a dish towel!
- There aren't any, Brian!
191
00:10:03,520 --> 00:10:07,816
You need to come in here!
Oh! We are gonna have ants!
192
00:10:13,947 --> 00:10:15,073
A hundred points.
193
00:10:15,157 --> 00:10:17,242
Meg, clean up aisle two.
194
00:10:17,326 --> 00:10:19,912
What the hell is this?
I am not cleaning this up.
195
00:10:19,995 --> 00:10:23,582
- Meg, less talkie, more sweepie.
- Shut up, Chris!
196
00:10:23,665 --> 00:10:25,083
You can't tell me what to do.
197
00:10:25,375 --> 00:10:27,628
Actually, Meg, as your supervisor, he can.
198
00:10:27,711 --> 00:10:30,047
- Supervisor?
- Yeah, I promoted him this morning.
199
00:10:30,130 --> 00:10:32,216
- Promoted me this morning.
- What?
200
00:10:32,299 --> 00:10:35,260
Carl, you promised me
that assistant manager position.
201
00:10:35,636 --> 00:10:37,137
Meg, things change.
202
00:10:37,221 --> 00:10:39,389
Hey, you ever see
Broken Lizard's Club Dread?
203
00:10:39,473 --> 00:10:40,557
No.
204
00:10:40,641 --> 00:10:42,851
Well, go see that movie
and absorb its message,
205
00:10:42,935 --> 00:10:45,062
and you'll get the gist
of what I'm talking about.
206
00:10:45,145 --> 00:10:48,190
- Carl, this isn't fair!
- All right, then, you're fired.
207
00:10:48,273 --> 00:10:51,527
What? But... No, you can't...
208
00:10:55,239 --> 00:10:57,241
Don't worry about it, Chris,
she'll be fine.
209
00:10:57,324 --> 00:11:01,286
Hey, by the way, you know who else is hot
in kind of a screwed up way?
210
00:11:01,370 --> 00:11:02,913
Mary Stuart Masterson.
211
00:11:02,996 --> 00:11:05,666
Yeah, yeah, in that sort of
"you think you could get her,
212
00:11:05,749 --> 00:11:07,918
"'cause she could be your brother"
kind of thing.
213
00:11:08,001 --> 00:11:11,421
Like, she's gettable, you know?
Like Elisabeth Shue.
214
00:11:11,505 --> 00:11:13,382
- Oh, I remember her.
- Yeah.
215
00:11:13,590 --> 00:11:18,887
You know, she was in Leaving Las Vegas
in addition to Adventures in Babysitting.
216
00:11:18,971 --> 00:11:22,516
One of those underrated actresses
that was always talented and beautiful,
217
00:11:22,599 --> 00:11:24,685
and never quite popped,
if you know the meaning.
218
00:11:24,768 --> 00:11:27,020
- Who, Elisabeth Shue?
- Yeah.
219
00:11:27,104 --> 00:11:31,191
Like totally naked in Leaving Las Vegas.
220
00:11:31,358 --> 00:11:35,404
And still so hot. Like...
221
00:11:35,487 --> 00:11:38,490
- I don't see art films.
- Like, like, crazy hot.
222
00:11:38,574 --> 00:11:41,910
Yeah, it's about
39 minutes, 45 seconds in.
223
00:11:41,994 --> 00:11:43,787
- Oh.
- It's a really exceptional sequence.
224
00:11:43,871 --> 00:11:46,790
I mean, Nick Cage is
poisoning himself with alcohol.
225
00:11:46,874 --> 00:11:49,918
He's a... He's a failed writer
who just decides that,
226
00:11:50,002 --> 00:11:52,045
"Oh, I'm going to have
a big last hurrah in Las Vegas."
227
00:11:52,129 --> 00:11:56,300
And then he meets a whore and pays her
a bunch of money to stay with him,
228
00:11:56,383 --> 00:11:59,428
and have sex with him
while he murders himself slowly.
229
00:11:59,511 --> 00:12:03,056
And, you know, she's game for it,
but she catches feelings midway through
230
00:12:03,140 --> 00:12:04,558
and the whole thing changes.
231
00:12:04,641 --> 00:12:06,685
Wow, have you seen Cocktail?
232
00:12:07,227 --> 00:12:09,188
- Yeah, yeah.
- She was in that.
233
00:12:09,271 --> 00:12:11,148
- She was in that.
- Yeah.
234
00:12:20,490 --> 00:12:23,035
- You like that?
- Yeah, it's rad.
235
00:12:23,118 --> 00:12:25,871
Don't talk, please.
Hang on, let me get a condom.
236
00:12:25,954 --> 00:12:29,333
- Brian, are you guys up?
- Stewie, what the hell are you doing?
237
00:12:29,416 --> 00:12:32,211
- Go back to bed.
- But I'm not tired.
238
00:12:32,294 --> 00:12:36,757
- And I'm lonely.
- Oh, come, get in bed with us.
239
00:12:36,840 --> 00:12:40,385
- Oh, all right. "Dear Penthouse Forum."
- No, no, Stewie, go away!
240
00:12:40,469 --> 00:12:42,179
Brian, don't be mean to him.
241
00:12:42,262 --> 00:12:45,390
Yes, Brian, if you're mean to me,
I'll stop paying the rent.
242
00:12:45,474 --> 00:12:47,809
- What did he say?
- Nothing.
243
00:12:47,893 --> 00:12:51,563
That's right, I'm paying
Mr. Lickity Self's half of the rent.
244
00:12:51,647 --> 00:12:52,981
Is that true?
245
00:12:53,065 --> 00:12:57,027
- All right, yes, fine, it's true.
- Why didn't you say anything?
246
00:12:57,110 --> 00:12:59,613
Because you wanted me
to move in so badly,
247
00:12:59,696 --> 00:13:01,490
and God knows I didn't want to...
248
00:13:01,573 --> 00:13:04,826
Wait... You didn't want to
move in with me?
249
00:13:04,910 --> 00:13:06,995
Well, honestly, no.
250
00:13:07,079 --> 00:13:10,791
Oh, my God! I've never felt so stupid!
251
00:13:10,874 --> 00:13:11,917
- Really?
- Really?
252
00:13:12,000 --> 00:13:14,378
Well, I don't want to be
your guilty burden, Brian!
253
00:13:14,461 --> 00:13:17,840
- We're through!
- Jillian, wait!
254
00:13:17,923 --> 00:13:20,092
- Damn it.
- I'm sorry, Brian.
255
00:13:20,175 --> 00:13:21,635
You'll feel better in the morning.
256
00:13:24,096 --> 00:13:26,098
Hey, you know
what you should do?
257
00:13:26,181 --> 00:13:27,558
You should have sex with somebody else
258
00:13:27,641 --> 00:13:29,726
just to get back at her
for walking out on you.
259
00:13:29,810 --> 00:13:33,355
Just have sex with somebody. Anybody.
Just don't even think about it.
260
00:13:33,438 --> 00:13:36,400
The next person you see.
The very next person you see.
261
00:13:45,450 --> 00:13:49,621
- She's gone, Jillian's gone.
- Look, Brian, I know you're upset now,
262
00:13:49,705 --> 00:13:52,541
but I think it's important
to see things in perspective.
263
00:13:52,624 --> 00:13:56,128
Remember when Alex P. Keaton
lost his girlfriend?
264
00:13:56,211 --> 00:13:59,464
And then he got another one,
and everything was all right?
265
00:13:59,548 --> 00:14:02,718
And then he got Parkinson's. Yikes.
266
00:14:02,801 --> 00:14:06,889
You know, Stewie, you're right.
This is not a loss, it's an opportunity.
267
00:14:06,972 --> 00:14:09,808
I'm free now.
I've got my own place, no attachments.
268
00:14:09,892 --> 00:14:14,062
There you are. That's just the kind of
can-do spirit that built this nation.
269
00:14:14,271 --> 00:14:16,940
"We hold these truths to be self-evident,
270
00:14:17,024 --> 00:14:20,319
- "that all men are created equal."
- Except the Jews.
271
00:14:20,402 --> 00:14:23,947
Franklin, for the fifth time,
I'm sorry you overpaid for your house,
272
00:14:24,323 --> 00:14:26,408
- but it's not going in.
- You'll be sorry.
273
00:14:26,491 --> 00:14:27,951
Noted. Moving on.
274
00:14:30,913 --> 00:14:36,001
- So, Meg, any luck finding another job?
- No. Hardly anybody's hiring right now.
275
00:14:36,084 --> 00:14:39,671
The only job I could find was
for a phone sex line, and I sucked at it.
276
00:14:39,880 --> 00:14:45,969
What am I wearing? A hat and glasses.
277
00:14:46,762 --> 00:14:50,724
What kind of underwear? I don't know.
278
00:14:50,807 --> 00:14:54,311
Big underwear, I guess. I'm sorry, what?
279
00:14:54,520 --> 00:14:58,023
Oh, what would I do to you? Well...
280
00:14:58,482 --> 00:15:03,820
I guess maybe we'd get pizza.
And we could watch House.
281
00:15:03,904 --> 00:15:05,447
All right, I am totally flaccid,
282
00:15:05,531 --> 00:15:07,991
but thank you anyway, ma'am,
I appreciate your time.
283
00:15:08,200 --> 00:15:09,701
Mom, check it out!
284
00:15:09,785 --> 00:15:14,206
I just got my paycheck and my salary's
doubled ever since Meg got fired.
285
00:15:14,289 --> 00:15:16,208
Oh, shut up, you bastard!
286
00:15:16,834 --> 00:15:21,004
Chris, we should have a talk about Meg.
She's really upset that she got fired.
287
00:15:21,088 --> 00:15:24,091
Gee, I didn't realize working at the store
meant that much to her.
288
00:15:24,174 --> 00:15:27,803
You know, it would mean the world to her
if she could get her job back.
289
00:15:27,886 --> 00:15:30,973
And you'd be one terrific brother
if you could help her.
290
00:15:31,056 --> 00:15:34,226
Well, gosh, Mom, I'll sure try. Poor Meg.
291
00:15:34,309 --> 00:15:38,522
She got a worse deal than that no-armed
baseball player, Bucky LaGrange.
292
00:15:39,648 --> 00:15:42,025
Groundball to shortstop.
The throw is to second,
293
00:15:42,109 --> 00:15:46,363
and again, the ball sails past LaGrange
into right field.
294
00:15:46,446 --> 00:15:51,076
The runners will score and a cascade
of "boos" rain down from the stands,
295
00:15:51,159 --> 00:15:56,290
as clearly the fans' sympathy for this
scrappy, little no-armed man has run out.
296
00:15:56,415 --> 00:15:58,625
Now, granted, the throw was a little wide,
297
00:15:58,709 --> 00:16:01,962
but you've got to believe that a two-armed
player would've made the catch.
298
00:16:02,045 --> 00:16:05,340
In fact, a one-armed player
would have at least had a shot at it,
299
00:16:05,424 --> 00:16:08,051
which calls to mind
the question once again,
300
00:16:08,135 --> 00:16:11,638
why, with all the two-armed youngsters
waiting in the minor leagues,
301
00:16:11,722 --> 00:16:14,224
does this team stick with
an armless second baseman?
302
00:16:14,308 --> 00:16:19,021
- And he hasn't had a hit in ever.
- In ever, Jerry. In ever.
303
00:16:25,485 --> 00:16:27,946
What the hell? What are you people doing
in my apartment?
304
00:16:28,030 --> 00:16:30,741
Hey! You made it.
305
00:16:30,824 --> 00:16:34,036
- What is all this? What's going on?
- You, that's what's going on.
306
00:16:34,119 --> 00:16:35,871
Come on, time for you
to meet some women
307
00:16:35,954 --> 00:16:38,498
who are gonna make you
forget about Jillian.
308
00:16:38,582 --> 00:16:40,167
Looks like there's a lot of gay guys here.
309
00:16:40,250 --> 00:16:42,628
Yeah, everybody's having a good time.
310
00:16:42,711 --> 00:16:45,047
Brian, I want to introduce you to Joanna.
311
00:16:45,130 --> 00:16:47,382
Look out for this one,
she's a bit of a card.
312
00:16:47,466 --> 00:16:49,718
Okay, here's one for you.
313
00:16:49,801 --> 00:16:54,681
- What food can't make up its mind?
- This is gonna be good.
314
00:16:56,308 --> 00:16:58,060
A waffle.
315
00:17:03,690 --> 00:17:07,778
This one. Didn't I warn you, right? Right?
316
00:17:12,449 --> 00:17:14,701
How are you still single?
317
00:17:17,496 --> 00:17:19,957
Hey there, buddy. Check it out.
Check it out.
318
00:17:20,040 --> 00:17:23,752
I put a cruller in the Jerry's Kids jar.
I thought that would be funny.
319
00:17:23,836 --> 00:17:28,048
That is hilarious, but, Carl,
I want you to hire my sister back.
320
00:17:28,131 --> 00:17:31,343
No, Chris, she's a pain in the ass.
I don't want her back in here.
321
00:17:31,426 --> 00:17:36,014
Well, that's a shame, because
I watched Event Horizon last night.
322
00:17:36,098 --> 00:17:41,103
- No way! We have to talk about it!
- Yeah, well, my memory is kind of hazy.
323
00:17:41,186 --> 00:17:43,814
We have to talk about every scene, man.
324
00:17:43,897 --> 00:17:47,818
Hey, hey, hey! Remember when
Jack Noseworthy's eyes explode?
325
00:17:47,901 --> 00:17:51,363
Wasn't that awesome? Please agree
with me that, that was awesome.
326
00:17:51,446 --> 00:17:54,366
Well, if you hire Meg back,
maybe I'll have an opinion.
327
00:17:54,449 --> 00:17:57,619
She's hired, she's hired!
What do you think of it?
328
00:17:57,703 --> 00:17:58,996
It was awesome!
329
00:17:59,079 --> 00:18:01,665
- Wasn't it awesome?
- It was totally awesome!
330
00:18:01,748 --> 00:18:05,252
It was the most awesome thing ever!
Hug me!
331
00:18:08,589 --> 00:18:10,883
- Hey, how you doing, Brian?
- Lousy.
332
00:18:10,966 --> 00:18:15,512
I know who can cheer you up.
The robot from SpaceCamp.
333
00:18:15,596 --> 00:18:19,683
- Brian and Jinx are friends.
- Get that out of here.
334
00:18:19,766 --> 00:18:23,270
Okay, how about the robot from Rocky IV?
335
00:18:34,865 --> 00:18:38,619
Look, Stewie, get these stupid '80s movie
robots out of here, and leave me alone.
336
00:18:38,702 --> 00:18:40,495
It's all your fault that Jillian's gone.
337
00:18:40,579 --> 00:18:44,416
My fault? Brian, you've got
no one to blame but yourself.
338
00:18:44,499 --> 00:18:46,418
You let the fat man talk you
into moving out.
339
00:18:46,502 --> 00:18:49,755
You let Jillian walk out the door.
Stop getting pushed around.
340
00:18:49,838 --> 00:18:52,674
Be a man. If you want her, go get her.
341
00:18:52,758 --> 00:18:55,093
You know something?
You are absolutely right.
342
00:18:55,177 --> 00:18:58,847
It is time for me
to take charge of my own life.
343
00:18:58,931 --> 00:19:02,476
Stand aside, I got to get my girl back.
344
00:19:03,519 --> 00:19:05,187
Go, get her, Brian.
345
00:19:19,201 --> 00:19:21,620
- Hi.
- Hi, Brian.
346
00:19:21,703 --> 00:19:26,500
- What are you doing here?
- Jillian, look, I made a huge mistake.
347
00:19:26,583 --> 00:19:28,126
I don't want to lose you.
348
00:19:28,210 --> 00:19:32,589
You know, you really hurt me, Brian.
And I can't let you do that again.
349
00:19:32,673 --> 00:19:34,466
Look, I won't. I promise.
350
00:19:34,550 --> 00:19:39,221
I don't know how to tell you this,
but you're too late. I met someone else.
351
00:19:39,304 --> 00:19:44,685
Jillian, do you get the Oxygen Network?
If I miss my Moesha, I get a bit crabby.
352
00:19:44,768 --> 00:19:46,436
In a minute, Adam.
353
00:19:47,521 --> 00:19:50,440
Well, I guess this is good-bye.
354
00:19:50,524 --> 00:19:53,861
- Please don't send me away.
- I have to.
355
00:19:53,944 --> 00:19:55,654
You broke my heart.
356
00:20:16,842 --> 00:20:19,386
Well, Meg, you got your job back.
357
00:20:19,469 --> 00:20:22,931
Actually, Chris, I don't.
I really appreciate what you did for me,
358
00:20:23,015 --> 00:20:26,226
but I can't work for that guy anymore.
He's a freak.
359
00:20:26,310 --> 00:20:28,395
The important thing is
that you stood up for me,
360
00:20:28,478 --> 00:20:29,938
and I won't forget it.
361
00:20:30,022 --> 00:20:33,650
Oh, Brian, I know you miss Jillian,
but it is good to have you back.
362
00:20:33,734 --> 00:20:35,027
Kind of sucks though.
363
00:20:35,110 --> 00:20:38,322
I mean, you are never gonna find a chick
that hot again.
364
00:20:38,405 --> 00:20:40,282
You know what the mistake was,
moving in together.
365
00:20:40,365 --> 00:20:42,993
Well, it's just another
life experience, I guess.
366
00:20:43,076 --> 00:20:44,536
Hey, and look on the bright side.
367
00:20:44,620 --> 00:20:47,539
Maybe you got
another chapter for your book.
368
00:20:50,167 --> 00:20:52,544
Oh, yeah, pile it on, pile it on.
369
00:20:52,628 --> 00:20:54,755
Welcome home, douche bag!
31594
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