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1
00:00:04,963 --> 00:00:07,966
We now return to
Sunday Golf on CBS.
2
00:00:08,050 --> 00:00:09,134
And Nicholson here,
3
00:00:09,218 --> 00:00:11,803
trying to save par,
and there's Nicholson's wife.
4
00:00:11,887 --> 00:00:13,972
- God, is she hot.
- Look at that rack.
5
00:00:14,056 --> 00:00:15,724
There's a downhill lie for you.
6
00:00:15,807 --> 00:00:19,144
They're just out there
begging to be touched. Pleading.
7
00:00:19,228 --> 00:00:21,230
How many golf balls do you think
she can fit in her mouth?
8
00:00:21,313 --> 00:00:23,482
I'd hit that one
in the rough, if you know what I'm saying.
9
00:00:23,565 --> 00:00:24,650
COMMENTATOR 1:
Who are you kidding, Greg?
10
00:00:24,733 --> 00:00:26,693
You'd her for a week
and then get tired of her.
11
00:00:26,777 --> 00:00:29,488
Yeah, you're right.
That's what I do. That's my thing.
12
00:00:29,571 --> 00:00:32,157
- But a hell of a week, though.
- Hell of a week.
13
00:00:33,492 --> 00:00:35,327
Oh, my God, the power's out.
14
00:00:35,410 --> 00:00:36,912
What are we gonna do now?
15
00:00:36,995 --> 00:00:39,414
Well, we could light some candles
and read.
16
00:00:42,209 --> 00:00:43,794
- Yeah, right.
- Yeah, that'd be great.
17
00:00:43,877 --> 00:00:45,754
Yeah, read the inside of my butt.
18
00:00:45,838 --> 00:00:47,047
We could tell stories.
19
00:00:47,130 --> 00:00:49,466
Hey, Dad, why don't you tell the story
about when I was born?
20
00:00:49,550 --> 00:00:51,176
Yeah, we got halfway home
with the afterbirth,
21
00:00:51,260 --> 00:00:54,388
before we had to go back to the hospital
and swap it out for Meg. The end.
22
00:00:54,471 --> 00:00:55,681
Now, I got a better one.
23
00:00:55,764 --> 00:00:59,393
This is a story of love and loss,
fathers and sons,
24
00:00:59,476 --> 00:01:03,105
and the foresight to retain
international merchandising rights.
25
00:01:03,188 --> 00:01:06,400
This is the story of Star Wars.
26
00:01:06,483 --> 00:01:08,277
Let's begin with Part 4.
27
00:03:26,290 --> 00:03:29,001
You hear that? Sounds like we're being
boarded from the rear,
28
00:03:29,084 --> 00:03:30,878
and not the, "Hey, take a deep breath,
let's experiment,"
29
00:03:30,961 --> 00:03:34,923
- kind of boarded from the rear.
- Could you hold on to this bag?
30
00:03:52,691 --> 00:03:54,818
What if they come in a different door?
31
00:04:07,706 --> 00:04:10,792
Damn! I was two days from retirement.
32
00:04:14,296 --> 00:04:15,339
R2?
33
00:04:17,257 --> 00:04:20,260
Help me, Obi-Wan Kenobi.
You're my only hope.
34
00:04:20,344 --> 00:04:23,347
- All right, now what do I click?
- Click "preferences."
35
00:04:23,430 --> 00:04:27,392
- Okay, I clicked "preferences."
- Now go to "default media browser."
36
00:04:27,476 --> 00:04:31,813
Okay, there's a little hourglass
and it's not letting me do anything.
37
00:04:31,897 --> 00:04:34,608
- It says "buffering." What is that?
- Just give it a minute.
38
00:04:34,691 --> 00:04:36,485
All I'm trying to do is make an MPEG.
39
00:04:36,568 --> 00:04:38,737
All I'm trying to do
is tell you to wait a minute.
40
00:04:38,820 --> 00:04:39,905
Okay, relax.
41
00:04:39,988 --> 00:04:43,242
- Now click "import video file."
- All right.
42
00:04:43,325 --> 00:04:45,953
It's telling me
I have to download RealPlayer 7.
43
00:04:46,036 --> 00:04:48,956
You know what?
I'll just bring it to him myself.
44
00:04:49,039 --> 00:04:50,499
There she is.
45
00:04:56,547 --> 00:05:00,843
You still got that bag I gave you?
It's gonna be a long ride.
46
00:05:06,181 --> 00:05:08,517
Hold your fire.
There's no life forms aboard.
47
00:05:08,600 --> 00:05:11,186
Hold your fire?
What, are we paying by the laser now?
48
00:05:11,270 --> 00:05:13,188
You don't do the budget, Terry. I do.
49
00:05:15,357 --> 00:05:18,485
Hey, I'm gonna do some crosswords, but
that doesn't mean I don't want to talk.
50
00:05:18,569 --> 00:05:20,112
Oh, yeah, yeah.
51
00:05:34,209 --> 00:05:36,128
My God, look at this mess.
52
00:05:36,211 --> 00:05:38,839
"Hey, Darth Vader's gonna be here,
shall we maybe clean the place up?
53
00:05:38,922 --> 00:05:41,341
"No, it's okay, he won't mind."
54
00:05:41,425 --> 00:05:45,012
Well, well, Princess Leia.
Are you prepared to tell me
55
00:05:45,095 --> 00:05:47,389
what you've done
with the stolen Death Star plans?
56
00:05:47,472 --> 00:05:49,474
All right, Lord Vader, you win.
57
00:05:49,558 --> 00:05:52,895
I've hidden the plans
in one of these 26 briefcases.
58
00:05:53,770 --> 00:05:54,813
Ooh! Ooh!
59
00:05:54,897 --> 00:05:58,609
Okay, okay, I'm feeling number 14,
let's go with number 14.
60
00:06:01,945 --> 00:06:05,908
It's okay, I'm just happy to be on TV.
All right, take her away.
61
00:06:10,120 --> 00:06:12,206
Okay, here's another one.
Who would you rather do?
62
00:06:12,289 --> 00:06:15,459
Jabba the Hutt right after a shower
or a service droid?
63
00:06:15,542 --> 00:06:19,296
- My father was a service droid.
- Hey, where are you going?
64
00:06:19,379 --> 00:06:23,842
You can kiss the lower part of
the back of the canister that is my body.
65
00:06:34,436 --> 00:06:37,606
Oh, man, this looks like
the wrong neighborhood.
66
00:06:38,690 --> 00:06:42,903
Oh, boy, it's okay, R2,
calm down, be cool.
67
00:06:43,904 --> 00:06:47,115
I ain't done nothing to antagonize nobody.
68
00:06:47,199 --> 00:06:50,202
What, a droid can't walk down the desert
no more?
69
00:06:50,285 --> 00:06:52,079
I got rights, too. Who's there?
70
00:07:30,492 --> 00:07:34,246
Any attack made by the rebels against
this station would be a useless gesture,
71
00:07:34,329 --> 00:07:36,582
no matter what technical data
they've obtained.
72
00:07:36,665 --> 00:07:39,585
This station is now
the ultimate power in the universe.
73
00:07:39,668 --> 00:07:43,463
That is fantastic, terrific work.
So no weaknesses at all?
74
00:07:43,547 --> 00:07:45,382
No... No.
75
00:07:45,465 --> 00:07:48,635
You hesitated there.
Is there something I should know?
76
00:07:48,719 --> 00:07:52,222
No, it's virtually indestructible,
like 99.99%.
77
00:07:52,890 --> 00:07:56,852
Okay, wouldn't be doing my job
if I didn't ask, what's the 0.01?
78
00:07:56,935 --> 00:07:59,313
Well, I mean, there's this little hole.
79
00:07:59,396 --> 00:08:02,149
It was kind of an aesthetic choice
by the architect.
80
00:08:02,232 --> 00:08:07,196
And if you shoot a laser into this hole,
the station blows up.
81
00:08:07,279 --> 00:08:08,655
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
82
00:08:08,739 --> 00:08:10,657
That sounds like
a pretty big design flaw, then.
83
00:08:10,741 --> 00:08:12,993
No, no, the hole's only 2 meters across.
84
00:08:13,076 --> 00:08:16,246
- Well, that's no bigger than a womp rat.
- Exactly.
85
00:08:16,330 --> 00:08:18,999
And even to get within range of it,
you have to skim along this whole trench.
86
00:08:19,082 --> 00:08:20,083
It's not a big deal.
87
00:08:20,167 --> 00:08:23,587
Can't we board it up or, you know,
put some plywood over it or something?
88
00:08:23,670 --> 00:08:26,340
Well, that would look terrible.
I mean, we gotta think about resale.
89
00:08:26,423 --> 00:08:29,218
Resale? What are you talking about?
This property is right above Sunset.
90
00:08:29,301 --> 00:08:30,802
The value is only gonna go up.
91
00:08:30,886 --> 00:08:34,681
Lord Vader, your inside references
to the Los Angeles real estate market
92
00:08:34,765 --> 00:08:38,185
haven't given you the clairvoyance to turn
a profit on that condo in Glendale.
93
00:08:38,310 --> 00:08:39,353
Nor has it...
94
00:08:40,521 --> 00:08:43,899
I find your lack of faith disturbing.
That property is in a prime location.
95
00:08:43,982 --> 00:08:46,360
Twenty minutes to the beach,
20 minutes to downtown.
96
00:08:46,443 --> 00:08:48,946
There's nothing
to do downtown.
97
00:08:49,029 --> 00:08:52,658
- Enough of this. Vader, release him.
- As you wish.
98
00:08:55,118 --> 00:08:56,578
All right,
so we're gonna plug up that hole?
99
00:08:56,662 --> 00:08:59,456
Yeah, we can get it done tomorrow,
if price is no object.
100
00:08:59,581 --> 00:09:01,166
Uh...
101
00:09:01,250 --> 00:09:04,753
- We'll get estimates.
- Get estimates, yeah, yeah.
102
00:09:10,175 --> 00:09:13,053
Someone was in the pod.
The tracks go off in this direction.
103
00:09:13,136 --> 00:09:15,764
- Look, sir, droids.
- Look, a penny.
104
00:09:18,684 --> 00:09:21,061
Hey, thanks for the sex,
early '90s printer.
105
00:09:28,443 --> 00:09:30,487
All right, bring him on out.
106
00:09:30,571 --> 00:09:33,490
Oh, God, it's 100 degrees out here.
107
00:09:33,574 --> 00:09:37,077
If I pass out, please note
that I'm wearing a LifeCall bracelet,
108
00:09:37,160 --> 00:09:39,413
with all my insurance information.
109
00:09:39,997 --> 00:09:42,708
Luke? Luke!
110
00:09:42,791 --> 00:09:44,626
- Luke!
- What?
111
00:09:45,127 --> 00:09:49,256
Tell Uncle Owen not to tell you
that your father is Darth Vader.
112
00:09:49,339 --> 00:09:52,426
Aunt Beru, when are you guys
going to let me join the Rebellion,
113
00:09:52,509 --> 00:09:53,635
like all my friends?
114
00:09:53,719 --> 00:09:57,389
Oh, stop whining, Luke,
and come have some blue milk.
115
00:09:57,472 --> 00:09:59,725
One of these days, I'm just gonna take off
116
00:09:59,808 --> 00:10:02,728
and join the Rebellion,
whether you like it or not.
117
00:10:02,811 --> 00:10:05,189
Over my burnt carcass.
118
00:10:05,272 --> 00:10:06,857
Hey, shut up with the noise.
119
00:10:06,940 --> 00:10:10,194
- Shut up with the shut up.
- You shut up with the shut up.
120
00:10:10,277 --> 00:10:12,738
Shut up your face.
Now my dog wanna shut up.
121
00:10:12,821 --> 00:10:14,781
- Why you no shut up?
- I'll make you shut up.
122
00:10:14,865 --> 00:10:17,409
- You, too, shut up.
- Hey, I poke out my head.
123
00:10:28,420 --> 00:10:32,716
Some day, I'll get off this rock
and fight the Empire.
124
00:10:36,512 --> 00:10:40,265
John Williams and the
London Symphony Orchestra, everybody.
125
00:10:56,406 --> 00:10:58,617
Now do the theme to The People's Court.
126
00:11:14,550 --> 00:11:17,386
This oil bath
is gonna feel so good.
127
00:11:17,928 --> 00:11:20,681
Hey, you guys think that '90s printer
looked clean, right?
128
00:11:20,764 --> 00:11:23,267
Hey, there's something stuck
in this R2 unit.
129
00:11:24,059 --> 00:11:27,396
Help me, Obi-Wan Kenobi.
You're my only hope.
130
00:11:27,479 --> 00:11:30,691
Help me, Obi-Wan Kenobi.
You're my only hope.
131
00:11:30,774 --> 00:11:33,485
Whoever she is,
she sounds like she's in trouble.
132
00:11:33,569 --> 00:11:35,696
Is there any more to this message?
133
00:11:35,779 --> 00:11:38,866
Intergalactic Proton Powered
Electrical Tentacled Advertising Droids.
134
00:11:38,949 --> 00:11:42,160
Intergalactic Proton Powered
Electrical Tentacled Advertising Droids.
135
00:11:42,244 --> 00:11:45,247
Intergalactic Proton Powered
Electrical Tentacled Advertising Droids.
136
00:11:45,330 --> 00:11:48,166
Hi! I'm Darth Harrington of
Darth Harrington's Intergalactic Proton
137
00:11:48,250 --> 00:11:51,295
Powered Electrical Tentacled Advertising
Droids Emporium and Moon Base.
138
00:11:51,378 --> 00:11:54,464
Due to a garbled subspace transmission,
I am currently overstocked
139
00:11:54,548 --> 00:11:57,843
on all Intergalactic Proton Powered
Electrical Tentacled Advertising Droids
140
00:11:57,926 --> 00:12:00,596
and I am passing the savings on to you!
141
00:12:01,555 --> 00:12:03,265
She said Obi-Wan Kenobi.
142
00:12:03,348 --> 00:12:06,143
I wonder if she means
old Obi-Wan Kenobi?
143
00:12:06,226 --> 00:12:09,271
Well, I guess I'll go bulls-eye
some womp rats in my T-16.
144
00:12:09,354 --> 00:12:11,899
My God, you shoot small animals for fun?
145
00:12:11,982 --> 00:12:14,484
That's the first indicator
of a serial killer, you freak.
146
00:12:14,568 --> 00:12:18,614
There's two suns and no women.
What the hell am I supposed to do?
147
00:12:19,781 --> 00:12:22,409
- Master Luke, he's gone, he's gone.
- What?
148
00:12:22,492 --> 00:12:25,370
R2, he took off in the middle
of the night, we gotta find him.
149
00:12:25,454 --> 00:12:28,624
Oh, what the phantom menace
is that guy's problem?
150
00:12:31,168 --> 00:12:33,045
Hey, mind if I turn on the radio?
151
00:12:33,128 --> 00:12:36,465
WTAT, Tatooine's all-talk radio.
152
00:12:36,548 --> 00:12:39,134
My good friends,
the liberal galacticmedia
153
00:12:39,218 --> 00:12:41,053
is at it again, they never stop.
154
00:12:41,136 --> 00:12:43,430
Now they're trying to convince us
that Hoth is melting.
155
00:12:43,514 --> 00:12:45,265
Well, that's crazy,
just trying to scare us.
156
00:12:45,349 --> 00:12:49,811
And if that wasn't enough to get you mad,
we now have news that Lando Calrissian
157
00:12:49,895 --> 00:12:54,233
has been made the chief administrator
of the Bespin mining facility.
158
00:12:54,316 --> 00:12:57,736
Gee, I wonder how he got that job.
Well, let me tell you how he got that job.
159
00:12:57,819 --> 00:13:01,323
Affirmative action strikes again.
The time is 8:50.
160
00:13:04,201 --> 00:13:06,286
R2, what are you doing out here?
161
00:13:07,496 --> 00:13:10,415
He says there are several creatures
approaching from the southeast.
162
00:13:10,499 --> 00:13:11,792
That's not what I said.
163
00:13:11,875 --> 00:13:14,878
I said there ain't a pack of menthols
on this planet.
164
00:13:16,672 --> 00:13:19,925
Well, I see some bantha tracks,
but I don't see any...
165
00:13:20,008 --> 00:13:23,679
Wait a minute, they're Sand People,
all right, I can see one of them now.
166
00:13:41,405 --> 00:13:43,156
Who the hell are you?
167
00:13:44,867 --> 00:13:47,578
One lucky son of a bitch.
168
00:13:50,789 --> 00:13:54,501
So, Luke, what brings your muscly arms
out this way?
169
00:13:54,585 --> 00:13:58,046
I'll show you, Mr. Obi-Wan.
R2, play him the message.
170
00:13:59,298 --> 00:14:04,094
General Kenobi, many years ago
you served my father in the Clone Wars.
171
00:14:04,178 --> 00:14:07,681
We need your help again.
And, not to get too personal,
172
00:14:07,764 --> 00:14:11,435
but you owe us after that mess
you got into back on Alderaan.
173
00:14:12,603 --> 00:14:16,190
And we paid to keep the families
of those children quiet, so...
174
00:14:16,273 --> 00:14:20,360
This is just, like, logistical stuff.
I'll check that later.
175
00:14:20,444 --> 00:14:22,362
...Joey Lawrence haircut.
176
00:14:22,446 --> 00:14:24,656
So, I'll assume we can count on your help
177
00:14:24,740 --> 00:14:28,035
to get the Death Star plans
to my father on Alderaan.
178
00:14:28,118 --> 00:14:31,205
The plans are stored inside this R2 unit.
179
00:14:31,288 --> 00:14:34,541
Help me, Obi-Wan Kenobi,
you're my only hope.
180
00:14:34,625 --> 00:14:36,835
All right now, what do I click?
181
00:14:36,919 --> 00:14:39,713
Luke, you must learn
the ways of the Force,
182
00:14:39,796 --> 00:14:41,632
and come with me to Alderaan.
183
00:14:41,715 --> 00:14:43,217
What's the Force?
184
00:14:43,300 --> 00:14:46,637
The Force is
what gives a Jedi Knight his power.
185
00:14:46,720 --> 00:14:49,556
It surrounds us, it penetrates us.
186
00:14:52,100 --> 00:14:53,477
Here, check this out.
187
00:14:54,353 --> 00:14:56,355
Wow! This is cool.
188
00:14:56,438 --> 00:14:59,024
Yeah, everyone
in the neighborhood has one.
189
00:15:03,403 --> 00:15:07,199
Hey, why would you hang that up?
It looks so tantalizing.
190
00:15:09,660 --> 00:15:12,871
You know, the Empire is gonna come
looking for these droids.
191
00:15:12,955 --> 00:15:15,207
But if they find out
who the Jawa sold them to,
192
00:15:15,290 --> 00:15:17,000
that could lead them back...
193
00:15:17,084 --> 00:15:18,085
Home!
194
00:15:18,168 --> 00:15:21,088
Luke, wait, it's too dangerous.
195
00:15:21,171 --> 00:15:23,966
Get your fat space ass back here.
196
00:15:35,060 --> 00:15:36,228
Uncle Owen?
197
00:15:36,854 --> 00:15:38,188
Aunt Beru?
198
00:15:38,897 --> 00:15:41,108
Oh, my God!
199
00:15:44,111 --> 00:15:45,946
John Williams!
200
00:15:48,323 --> 00:15:52,202
Great, now we gotta do
the rest of this thing with Danny Elfman.
201
00:16:16,226 --> 00:16:18,395
Mos Eisley spaceport.
202
00:16:18,478 --> 00:16:22,399
You will never find a more wretched
hive of scum and villainy.
203
00:16:22,482 --> 00:16:25,152
My sister Regina-D2 lives here.
204
00:16:25,235 --> 00:16:27,613
- Is she single?
- She's a lez-bot.
205
00:16:43,921 --> 00:16:46,715
- He doesn't like you.
- Sorry.
206
00:16:46,798 --> 00:16:48,842
I don't like you either.
207
00:16:48,926 --> 00:16:50,844
You don't even know me.
208
00:16:50,928 --> 00:16:52,471
You know what? That's fair.
209
00:16:52,554 --> 00:16:55,265
I'm Pig Nose,
and this is my brother-in-law, Scott.
210
00:16:55,349 --> 00:16:56,725
He's visiting from Hoth.
211
00:16:56,808 --> 00:16:59,895
I don't know why they call it Hoth.
They should call it Coldth.
212
00:16:59,978 --> 00:17:02,773
- Okay, settle down.
- I'm up after the band.
213
00:17:02,856 --> 00:17:06,318
Thank you. We're the Cantina Band.
If you have any requests, shout 'em out.
214
00:17:06,401 --> 00:17:10,072
- Play that same song.
- All right, same song, here we go.
215
00:17:13,825 --> 00:17:18,497
Hi, my sexy friend and I are looking for
a ship to take us to Alderaan,
216
00:17:18,580 --> 00:17:21,041
and I'm willing to pay big money.
217
00:17:21,124 --> 00:17:22,918
Well, you've come to the right place.
218
00:17:23,001 --> 00:17:25,337
I'm Han Solo,
captain of the Millennium Falcon
219
00:17:25,420 --> 00:17:28,799
and the only actor whose career
isn't destroyed by this movie.
220
00:17:28,882 --> 00:17:30,968
- Is it a fast ship?
- Are you kidding?
221
00:17:31,093 --> 00:17:34,096
It's the ship that made the Kessel Run
in less than 12 parsecs.
222
00:17:34,930 --> 00:17:37,933
Isn't a parsec
a unit of distance, not time?
223
00:17:39,351 --> 00:17:41,520
Chewie, take these guys to the ship
and get her ready.
224
00:17:44,982 --> 00:17:48,277
Always gargle before a takeoff.
Wokka wokka! All right, let's go.
225
00:17:53,699 --> 00:17:57,619
Greedo, as a matter of fact, I was just
going to see Jabba and tell him...
226
00:18:23,353 --> 00:18:26,398
- Well, what do you think?
- What a piece of junk!
227
00:18:26,481 --> 00:18:28,775
Thank you, this was my brother's.
He died of leukemia.
228
00:18:28,859 --> 00:18:29,985
How do you feel now?
229
00:18:30,068 --> 00:18:34,615
- You got any strawberry milk in there?
- No, but she'll make 0.5 past light speed.
230
00:18:34,698 --> 00:18:35,866
If you want, I'll show you around,
231
00:18:35,949 --> 00:18:38,202
since no one's trying to stop the ship
or blast us.
232
00:18:38,285 --> 00:18:40,537
STORMTROOPER:
Stop that ship, blast them.
233
00:18:40,621 --> 00:18:43,332
Oh, now I can't show you around.
Quick, get in the ship.
234
00:18:59,515 --> 00:19:01,808
Looks like we got Imperial Cruisers
on our tail.
235
00:19:01,892 --> 00:19:06,313
Oh, look at that one on the left.
Get off your cell phone, you are driving.
236
00:19:14,738 --> 00:19:16,073
They're gaining on us.
237
00:19:16,198 --> 00:19:18,575
We'll be safe enough,
once we make the jump to hyperspace.
238
00:19:18,700 --> 00:19:21,870
Besides, I know a few maneuvers.
We'll lose 'em.
239
00:19:26,875 --> 00:19:30,838
That was your maneuver?
Moving slightly to the left?
240
00:19:30,921 --> 00:19:33,757
Well, I mean,
we're not in the same place we were, huh?
241
00:19:33,882 --> 00:19:37,302
- That ought to confuse 'em.
- Yeah, but you hardly did anything.
242
00:19:37,386 --> 00:19:40,305
You just started listing
lazily to the left.
243
00:19:40,389 --> 00:19:41,890
I'm pretty sure they can keep up.
244
00:19:42,015 --> 00:19:43,183
Where did they go?
245
00:19:43,267 --> 00:19:45,978
There they are! They're listing lazily
to the left. Go left, left!
246
00:19:46,061 --> 00:19:47,855
Boy, this guy knows some maneuvers.
247
00:19:48,063 --> 00:19:50,816
All right, strap yourselves in,
I'm about to make the jump to light speed.
248
00:19:50,899 --> 00:19:53,569
Did he say "strap in" or "strap on"?
249
00:20:00,325 --> 00:20:02,744
Man, hyperspace always looks so freaky.
250
00:20:24,224 --> 00:20:25,517
Governor Tarkin.
251
00:20:25,601 --> 00:20:28,645
I recognized your foul stench
as soon as I was brought onboard.
252
00:20:28,770 --> 00:20:32,399
Um... Actually, that's me,
I made a Darth doody.
253
00:20:32,482 --> 00:20:37,196
Princess Leia, we've chosen to test
our Death Star planet blower-upper gun
254
00:20:37,279 --> 00:20:39,489
on your home planet of Alderaan.
255
00:20:39,573 --> 00:20:43,160
- No!
- She said no. Should we still do it?
256
00:20:43,994 --> 00:20:45,078
Yeah.
22021
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