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1
00:00:01,752 --> 00:00:04,588
It seems today
that all you see
2
00:00:04,671 --> 00:00:08,091
Is violence in
movies and sex on TV
3
00:00:08,175 --> 00:00:11,637
But where are those
good old-fashioned values
4
00:00:11,720 --> 00:00:14,848
On which we used to rely?
5
00:00:14,932 --> 00:00:18,060
Lucky there's a family guy
6
00:00:18,143 --> 00:00:21,313
Lucky there's a man who
positively can do
7
00:00:21,396 --> 00:00:22,856
All the things that make us
8
00:00:22,940 --> 00:00:24,608
Laugh and cry
9
00:00:24,691 --> 00:00:29,738
He's a family guy
10
00:00:36,537 --> 00:00:39,206
Wow, this must be
one of them new plasma TVs.
11
00:00:39,289 --> 00:00:40,374
Would you like
something to drink?
12
00:00:40,457 --> 00:00:41,583
I'll have water, please.
13
00:00:41,667 --> 00:00:43,126
I'll have water, too,
but with lemon.
14
00:00:43,210 --> 00:00:44,753
I'll have a Sam Adams.
15
00:00:44,837 --> 00:00:46,421
It's 9:30 in the morning.
16
00:00:46,505 --> 00:00:48,549
And don't you have
an outstanding DUI?
17
00:00:48,632 --> 00:00:50,050
Yeah, but I got to
get the taste of weed
18
00:00:50,133 --> 00:00:52,052
and hooker spit
out of my mouth.
19
00:00:53,011 --> 00:00:54,429
I'll have a Sam Adams, too.
20
00:00:54,513 --> 00:00:57,891
Samuel Adams.
Always a good decision.
21
00:00:57,975 --> 00:00:59,643
Okay, now,
if I get a fax,
22
00:00:59,726 --> 00:01:02,396
can I stay on-line and still receive
the fax without a dedicated line?
23
00:01:02,479 --> 00:01:06,567
Yeah, you can put a piece of paper in here
and make, like, a phone call,
24
00:01:06,650 --> 00:01:07,943
and your friend
will get another
25
00:01:08,026 --> 00:01:09,862
piece of paper
with the same picture.
26
00:01:10,988 --> 00:01:12,364
Can I possibly
speak to someone
27
00:01:12,447 --> 00:01:14,616
who didn't come
to this country on a floating door?
28
00:01:14,700 --> 00:01:15,826
Can I help you?
29
00:01:15,909 --> 00:01:17,703
Yes. We're here
to replace our VCR.
30
00:01:17,786 --> 00:01:20,372
Yeah, don't try any
of your salesman funny business.
31
00:01:20,455 --> 00:01:23,083
Like that guy who convinced me
to buy that pet tyrannosaurus.
32
00:01:23,166 --> 00:01:24,918
Okay, Patches,
now fetch!
33
00:01:25,002 --> 00:01:26,044
(ROARING)
34
00:01:26,128 --> 00:01:27,296
(MAN SCREAMING)
35
00:01:27,379 --> 00:01:29,089
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God! Drop it!
36
00:01:29,173 --> 00:01:31,717
Drop it! Drop it!
Drop it!
37
00:01:31,800 --> 00:01:33,552
Ew! It's got spit
all over it.
38
00:01:33,635 --> 00:01:35,846
A VCR?
Let me show you something.
39
00:01:35,929 --> 00:01:37,139
It's called TiVo.
40
00:01:37,222 --> 00:01:38,557
It always records
what you're watching,
41
00:01:38,640 --> 00:01:40,267
so you can re-watch
anything you missed.
42
00:01:40,350 --> 00:01:42,811
Sounds fancy.
How does it work?
43
00:01:42,895 --> 00:01:45,939
I'll tell you how it works.
Easy as pie is how it works.
44
00:01:46,023 --> 00:01:47,441
(BEEPING)
45
00:01:47,524 --> 00:01:49,943
I'll tell you how it works.
Easy as pie is how it works.
46
00:01:50,027 --> 00:01:51,945
Should I ring it up?
Hold on, hold on.
47
00:01:52,029 --> 00:01:54,364
I think we should
discuss it first.
48
00:01:54,448 --> 00:01:56,033
(BEEPING)
49
00:01:57,993 --> 00:01:59,453
Some kind of palsy.
50
00:01:59,536 --> 00:02:00,954
Anyway,
that's how I saved Christmas.
51
00:02:01,038 --> 00:02:02,748
Yeah, go ahead and
bag this thing for us.
52
00:02:07,628 --> 00:02:10,130
Sweet, Quagmire!
You got a Winnebago.
53
00:02:10,214 --> 00:02:11,924
You mean a wanna-bang-o!
54
00:02:13,050 --> 00:02:14,551
Oh, how clever.
55
00:02:14,635 --> 00:02:15,928
Yeah, I'm gonna take her
across the country
56
00:02:16,011 --> 00:02:18,430
and nail a different
broad in every state.
57
00:02:18,514 --> 00:02:19,765
Also gonna go to Vegas.
58
00:02:19,848 --> 00:02:21,391
We went to Vegas once.
Remember, Lois?
59
00:02:21,475 --> 00:02:23,143
We saw the Jew Man Group?
60
00:02:23,227 --> 00:02:25,604
(HAVA NAGEELA PLAYING)
61
00:02:27,773 --> 00:02:28,982
Dad, what are you doing?
62
00:02:29,066 --> 00:02:31,109
I'm fast-forwarding
through these pesky TV shows,
63
00:02:31,193 --> 00:02:32,569
so I can get to
the commercials.
64
00:02:32,653 --> 00:02:35,072
Hi. I'm Wilford Brimley,
and I have diabetes.
65
00:02:35,155 --> 00:02:38,492
It hurts me to pee, and it causes me
to be short with my family.
66
00:02:38,575 --> 00:02:40,577
I can't sleep at night.
67
00:02:40,661 --> 00:02:43,497
The other day, I stubbed my toe
and took it out on the dog.
68
00:02:43,580 --> 00:02:44,998
And two weeks ago,
I ran out of
69
00:02:45,082 --> 00:02:47,334
vanilla ice-cream
and struck my wife.
70
00:02:47,417 --> 00:02:50,671
And then I find out
my wife's been dead for six years.
71
00:02:50,754 --> 00:02:52,339
Who the hell did I hit?
72
00:02:52,422 --> 00:02:55,259
(MALE NARRATOR READING)
73
00:02:55,342 --> 00:02:58,720
Lunch is ready!
Come and get it!
74
00:02:58,804 --> 00:03:00,722
Hey, what do you think it is,
boogers on a biscuit?
75
00:03:00,806 --> 00:03:04,434
(LAUGHING)
That's probably what it is, yes.
76
00:03:04,518 --> 00:03:06,562
We now go live
to the streets of San Francisco
77
00:03:06,645 --> 00:03:08,981
with Asian reporter
Tricia Takanawa.
78
00:03:09,064 --> 00:03:10,566
Diane, is she Chinese
or Japanese?
79
00:03:10,649 --> 00:03:12,150
She's Japanese, Tom.
80
00:03:12,234 --> 00:03:14,486
Wow! I know a Japanese woman.
81
00:03:14,570 --> 00:03:16,488
Tom, I'm standing here
82
00:03:16,572 --> 00:03:18,407
amidst the heated debate
over a recent petition
83
00:03:18,490 --> 00:03:19,825
to change
the name of the city
84
00:03:19,908 --> 00:03:23,871
from San Francisco
to something a little less gay.
85
00:03:23,954 --> 00:03:27,541
Excuse me, sir, what would you
like to rename San Francisco?
86
00:03:27,624 --> 00:03:29,042
Well, given
the wonderful shoe shopping,
87
00:03:29,126 --> 00:03:31,712
I would cast my
vote for "Heaven."
88
00:03:31,795 --> 00:03:33,046
Who the hell was that?
What?
89
00:03:33,130 --> 00:03:35,007
I say, press the button,
make it stop.
90
00:03:35,090 --> 00:03:37,217
Oh, my God.
He looks just like me.
91
00:03:37,301 --> 00:03:38,719
You know what? He does.
92
00:03:38,802 --> 00:03:40,304
Almost looks like
he could be your father.
93
00:03:40,387 --> 00:03:42,389
(GASPS) He could be my father!
94
00:03:42,472 --> 00:03:44,725
My real father! I knew it!
95
00:03:44,808 --> 00:03:47,519
Lois must have mated
with this poor fellow.
96
00:03:47,603 --> 00:03:49,104
I've got to get
out to California.
97
00:03:49,188 --> 00:03:52,441
I daresay I'd fit right in
with the kids from 90210.
98
00:03:52,524 --> 00:03:53,984
Even the older-looking one.
99
00:03:55,485 --> 00:03:57,613
Boy, that test sure
is gonna be hard tomorrow.
100
00:03:57,696 --> 00:03:58,780
You said it, Donna.
101
00:03:58,864 --> 00:04:00,490
Hey, Andrea,
can you help me study?
102
00:04:00,574 --> 00:04:03,243
- What? I said,
- "Can you help me study?"
103
00:04:03,327 --> 00:04:05,579
Dylan, I fixed your socks!
104
00:04:05,662 --> 00:04:08,040
Hey, Andrea,
are we still going to the concert?
105
00:04:08,123 --> 00:04:13,086
This used to be all orange groves,
far as the eye could see!
106
00:04:13,170 --> 00:04:15,255
Okay, so I'll
pick you up at 7:00.
107
00:04:15,339 --> 00:04:20,260
Barbara Stanwyck and I
used to take the trolley!
108
00:04:20,344 --> 00:04:23,680
Hey, Lois, thought you might be
in the mood for a classic.
109
00:04:23,764 --> 00:04:26,308
(HUMMING BATMAN THEME)
110
00:04:26,391 --> 00:04:29,269
Spider-Man! Spider-Man!
111
00:04:29,353 --> 00:04:30,729
Here comes Peter
on the clothesline
112
00:04:30,812 --> 00:04:33,357
but his name's not Peter,
it is Spider-Man!
113
00:04:33,440 --> 00:04:34,900
Spider-Man!
114
00:04:34,983 --> 00:04:36,276
Come on, Lois,
let's get busy
115
00:04:36,360 --> 00:04:37,819
Maybe in the garden
right here
116
00:04:37,903 --> 00:04:40,572
Spider-Man! Spider-man!
117
00:04:40,656 --> 00:04:43,283
Touch my can with your hand
Spider-Man!
118
00:04:44,409 --> 00:04:46,453
Help! Spider-man!
119
00:04:46,537 --> 00:04:48,497
I'm being attacked
by the evil rose bush!
120
00:04:48,580 --> 00:04:50,624
I'll save you, Mary Jane.
121
00:04:52,042 --> 00:04:53,377
(BOTH MOANING)
122
00:04:54,378 --> 00:04:55,963
Oh, my God!
123
00:04:56,046 --> 00:04:58,632
I don't know what they're fighting about
but I think Dad's winning.
124
00:04:58,715 --> 00:04:59,967
Go, Dad!
125
00:05:00,050 --> 00:05:01,969
Kids, can we have
some privacy, please?
126
00:05:02,052 --> 00:05:03,303
Yeah, you guys are
more annoying than
127
00:05:03,387 --> 00:05:05,472
that announcer on
those TV commercials.
128
00:05:05,556 --> 00:05:07,641
Wacky Waving Inflatable
Arm Flailing Tube Man.
129
00:05:07,724 --> 00:05:09,810
Wacky Waving Inflatable
Arm Flailing Tube Man.
130
00:05:09,893 --> 00:05:12,062
Wacky Waving Inflatable
Arm Flailing Tube Man.
131
00:05:12,145 --> 00:05:15,274
Hi. I'm Al Harrington,
President and CEO of Al Harrington's
132
00:05:15,357 --> 00:05:16,984
Wacky Waving
Inflatable Arm Flailing
133
00:05:17,067 --> 00:05:19,069
Tube Man
Emporium and Warehouse.
134
00:05:19,152 --> 00:05:21,405
Thanks to a shipping error,
I am now currently overstocked
135
00:05:21,488 --> 00:05:23,824
on Wacky Waving Inflatable
Arm Flailing Tube Men,
136
00:05:23,907 --> 00:05:26,577
and I am passing
the savings on to you!
137
00:05:26,660 --> 00:05:28,036
Attract customers
to your business.
138
00:05:28,120 --> 00:05:29,538
Make a splash at
your next presentation.
139
00:05:29,621 --> 00:05:30,998
Keep Grandma company.
140
00:05:31,081 --> 00:05:32,916
Protect your crops.
Confuse your neighbors.
141
00:05:33,000 --> 00:05:34,751
African-American? Hail a cab.
142
00:05:34,835 --> 00:05:37,337
Testify in church.
Or just raise the roof!
143
00:05:37,421 --> 00:05:39,131
Whatever your
Wacky Waving Inflatable
144
00:05:39,214 --> 00:05:40,841
Arm Flailing
Tube Man needs are!
145
00:05:40,924 --> 00:05:42,301
So come on down
to Al Harrington's
146
00:05:42,384 --> 00:05:43,886
Wacky Waving
Inflatable Arm Flailing
147
00:05:43,969 --> 00:05:45,429
Tube Man
Emporium and Warehouse.
148
00:05:45,512 --> 00:05:47,472
Route 2 in Weekapaug!
149
00:05:50,976 --> 00:05:52,352
Please forgive me,
Mr. Oinkbaum.
150
00:05:52,436 --> 00:05:53,729
You will be missed.
151
00:05:53,812 --> 00:05:55,731
There we are.
What are you doing?
152
00:05:55,814 --> 00:05:57,816
None of your beeswax, Ramona.
153
00:05:57,900 --> 00:06:00,402
But if you must know,
I need a plane ticket to San Francisco.
154
00:06:00,485 --> 00:06:03,530
Good luck.
Plane tickets are about 450 bucks.
155
00:06:03,614 --> 00:06:05,699
Four hundred...
Brian, hit me in the mouth.
156
00:06:05,782 --> 00:06:06,867
What? Why?
157
00:06:06,950 --> 00:06:08,118
I hear this
tooth fairy gives you
158
00:06:08,202 --> 00:06:09,786
money for your teeth.
Have at it.
159
00:06:09,870 --> 00:06:11,538
Uh, okay.
160
00:06:11,622 --> 00:06:13,207
No, no, no.
Don't, don't, don't, stop, stop!
161
00:06:13,290 --> 00:06:14,708
- Why did you stop? I said hit me.
- You flinched.
162
00:06:14,791 --> 00:06:16,543
Well, of course I flinched.
You were going to hit me.
163
00:06:16,627 --> 00:06:18,045
Make up your mind.
What do you want me to do?
164
00:06:18,128 --> 00:06:20,589
Hit me.
No! No, no, don't, don't!
165
00:06:20,672 --> 00:06:23,091
I'm sorry.
Look, I know I'm being hard to read.
166
00:06:31,517 --> 00:06:34,394
Hey, you there.
Buy this yellow drink.
167
00:06:34,478 --> 00:06:36,021
Hey, preggo. Preggo!
168
00:06:36,104 --> 00:06:37,981
Hey, hey,
I'm talking to you, tubby!
169
00:06:38,065 --> 00:06:39,274
Oh, don't you ignore me.
170
00:06:39,358 --> 00:06:40,651
(EXCLAIMS)
171
00:06:40,734 --> 00:06:42,194
Pardon me, sir. Sir? Sir?
172
00:06:42,277 --> 00:06:43,779
Oh, the hell with this.
173
00:06:45,239 --> 00:06:47,199
(GROANING)
174
00:06:47,282 --> 00:06:49,576
So, we had to
do it the hard way, hmm?
175
00:06:50,410 --> 00:06:52,329
Six bucks?
176
00:06:52,412 --> 00:06:53,705
Nice-looking wife you've got.
177
00:06:53,789 --> 00:06:56,625
Maybe I'll look her up
while you're in the hospital.
178
00:06:56,708 --> 00:06:58,502
Don't forget your lemonade.
179
00:07:02,923 --> 00:07:04,591
Oh, there you are.
I thought you should...
180
00:07:04,675 --> 00:07:06,468
What are you doing?
Paying bills.
181
00:07:06,552 --> 00:07:07,928
What bills? You have bills?
182
00:07:08,011 --> 00:07:09,263
Well, there's cable and...
183
00:07:09,346 --> 00:07:10,472
Peter pays for the cable.
184
00:07:10,556 --> 00:07:12,224
(STAMMERING)
It's at this girl's house.
185
00:07:12,307 --> 00:07:13,892
Do you want something?
186
00:07:13,976 --> 00:07:15,519
Yes, I'm still
short for my trip.
187
00:07:15,602 --> 00:07:17,104
I've only got $200.
188
00:07:17,187 --> 00:07:19,273
I suggest you pony up
the difference immediately,
189
00:07:19,356 --> 00:07:22,401
or I'll e-mail the contents
of your hard drive to the FBI.
190
00:07:22,484 --> 00:07:24,194
What are you talking about?
There's nothing on there.
191
00:07:28,657 --> 00:07:30,701
Stewie, why is it so hard
to accept that Peter's your real father?
192
00:07:31,368 --> 00:07:33,203
Because he's an idiot.
193
00:07:33,287 --> 00:07:35,706
Do you remember that time
he went to the Today Show?
194
00:07:35,789 --> 00:07:38,125
Coming up on Today,
Tom Cruise has a new movie.
195
00:07:38,208 --> 00:07:40,127
-We're gonna be talking to him.
- Katie!
196
00:07:40,210 --> 00:07:42,629
Funny man Al Franken
will be stopping by for a visit.
197
00:07:42,713 --> 00:07:43,964
Katie!
198
00:07:44,047 --> 00:07:46,216
And Wolfgang Puck
shares his recipe for apple strudel.
199
00:07:46,300 --> 00:07:47,551
Katie!
200
00:07:47,634 --> 00:07:49,553
So stay tuned
because we've got all this
201
00:07:49,636 --> 00:07:51,388
and more coming up
in the next hour.
202
00:07:51,471 --> 00:07:52,472
Katie!
203
00:07:52,556 --> 00:07:53,640
What?
204
00:07:53,724 --> 00:07:54,933
Oh, well, never mind.
205
00:07:58,020 --> 00:07:59,771
Care to join me, Lois?
206
00:07:59,855 --> 00:08:01,398
(GIGGLING)
207
00:08:02,733 --> 00:08:04,234
Peter,
how am I supposed to...
208
00:08:04,318 --> 00:08:06,236
Oh, sorry, sorry.
Where are my manners?
209
00:08:06,987 --> 00:08:08,989
Oh, what a gentleman!
210
00:08:10,699 --> 00:08:12,117
There you go!
211
00:08:12,201 --> 00:08:14,786
- (EXCLAIMS) Oh, God! Oh, you okay?
- You all right, honey?
212
00:08:14,870 --> 00:08:16,580
Yeah, I'm all right.
213
00:08:16,663 --> 00:08:18,832
Oh, this is nice.
214
00:08:18,916 --> 00:08:21,627
Mom, Meg says
Omar Sharif is dead,
215
00:08:21,710 --> 00:08:23,879
but I think
she's thinking of Anthony Quinn.
216
00:08:23,962 --> 00:08:26,006
Chris, your father
and I are in the tub.
217
00:08:26,089 --> 00:08:27,758
And, Meg,
you are thinking of Anthony Quinn.
218
00:08:27,841 --> 00:08:29,051
Now, get out!
219
00:08:29,134 --> 00:08:30,511
Peter, this is ridiculous.
220
00:08:30,594 --> 00:08:31,887
We have no privacy here.
221
00:08:31,970 --> 00:08:34,556
We got to get those
kids out of the house once in a while.
222
00:08:34,640 --> 00:08:35,974
I mean,
shouldn't they be dating?
223
00:08:36,058 --> 00:08:37,976
That doesn't solve
the problem, Lois.
224
00:08:38,060 --> 00:08:40,646
If they start dating, I mean,
their rooms are right next to each other,
225
00:08:40,729 --> 00:08:43,232
they'll start having sex,
we'll never get them out of the house...
226
00:08:43,315 --> 00:08:44,942
No, no. You idiot,
227
00:08:45,025 --> 00:08:47,236
I'm talking about them
dating other people.
228
00:08:47,319 --> 00:08:49,571
Look, I'm gonna
start spending some time with Chris,
229
00:08:49,655 --> 00:08:51,782
and I'll show him
how to attract a woman.
230
00:08:51,865 --> 00:08:53,992
Yeah. And I'll spend
some time with Meg.
231
00:08:54,076 --> 00:08:55,619
I've spent lots
of time with her,
232
00:08:55,702 --> 00:08:58,622
like when we went on our last crusade
to find the holy grail.
233
00:08:58,705 --> 00:09:00,499
Choose wisely.
234
00:09:00,582 --> 00:09:01,708
I choose this one.
235
00:09:01,792 --> 00:09:03,836
How did you know?
236
00:09:03,919 --> 00:09:06,046
Well, I kind of figured the coffee mug
that says "Jesus." I mean...
237
00:09:06,129 --> 00:09:07,548
Oh, right, right. Yeah.
238
00:09:07,631 --> 00:09:09,007
Pretty obvious.
239
00:09:09,091 --> 00:09:10,551
Great. Let's kiss on it.
240
00:09:10,634 --> 00:09:12,135
Come here, you!
241
00:09:13,178 --> 00:09:14,888
(GRUNTING)
242
00:09:16,932 --> 00:09:19,434
Oh, you bleeding?
Yeah, you're bleeding.
243
00:09:21,645 --> 00:09:23,480
Don't tell me you're
going to California on that.
244
00:09:23,564 --> 00:09:26,191
Bicycling is hard,
but it has its benefits.
245
00:09:26,275 --> 00:09:29,736
Did you know Lance Armstrong
is dating Sheryl Crow?
246
00:09:29,820 --> 00:09:31,446
You know, it really
speaks to her character
247
00:09:31,530 --> 00:09:34,449
that she can get
past the whole "he had cancer" thing
248
00:09:34,533 --> 00:09:36,243
and still find him
sexually attractive.
249
00:09:36,326 --> 00:09:37,619
Really speaks
to her character.
250
00:09:37,703 --> 00:09:39,121
I respect that.
251
00:09:39,204 --> 00:09:41,039
Hey, Brian,
what do you think of my sign?
252
00:09:41,123 --> 00:09:43,417
"Quagmire's
cross-country tour."
253
00:09:43,500 --> 00:09:44,751
Uh, isn't there
an "o" in "country"?
254
00:09:44,835 --> 00:09:45,919
Nope.
255
00:09:46,003 --> 00:09:48,046
Look out, California,
here I come!
256
00:09:48,130 --> 00:09:49,548
(GIGGLING)
257
00:09:49,631 --> 00:09:50,757
(GASPS)
California!
258
00:09:50,841 --> 00:09:51,925
What are you doing?
259
00:09:52,009 --> 00:09:53,093
Well, you heard
Captain Syphilis.
260
00:09:53,177 --> 00:09:54,261
We're going to California.
261
00:09:54,344 --> 00:09:56,722
Come on, you can't go
alone with Quagmire.
262
00:09:56,805 --> 00:09:57,848
Look, I'll tell you what,
263
00:09:57,931 --> 00:10:01,018
if you're serious about this
I'll go with you.
264
00:10:01,101 --> 00:10:03,228
Although I should probably ask
Peter and Lois if it's okay.
265
00:10:03,312 --> 00:10:06,565
Oh, they won't
even know we're gone.
266
00:10:06,648 --> 00:10:08,150
(IN ELECTRONIC VOICE)
Damn you, vile woman.
267
00:10:08,233 --> 00:10:09,735
Blast. What the deuce?
268
00:10:09,818 --> 00:10:11,069
I am a tool.
269
00:10:11,153 --> 00:10:12,529
Stewie is much better
than me at everything
270
00:10:12,613 --> 00:10:14,656
including arts and
crafts and the guitar.
271
00:10:14,740 --> 00:10:16,325
I have no friends.
272
00:10:16,408 --> 00:10:17,784
Glad you guys
are joining me.
273
00:10:17,868 --> 00:10:19,953
STEWIE: Hey, did you guys
see 3 Men and a Baby?
274
00:10:20,037 --> 00:10:21,830
BRIAN: Yeah.
275
00:10:21,914 --> 00:10:23,457
Did you know there's a ghost
in there behind the window?
276
00:10:23,540 --> 00:10:25,209
That's an urban legend.
It's just a piece of cardboard.
277
00:10:25,292 --> 00:10:26,585
No, it's a ghost,
I heard.
278
00:10:26,668 --> 00:10:28,128
You heard from who?
279
00:10:28,212 --> 00:10:29,671
From, uh, Lois.
280
00:10:29,755 --> 00:10:31,089
Yeah, right.
Cleveland?
281
00:10:31,173 --> 00:10:32,466
No. No.
Death?
282
00:10:32,549 --> 00:10:34,134
Greased-up deaf guy?
He said that?
283
00:10:42,601 --> 00:10:44,770
(QUAGMIRE MOANING)
284
00:10:44,853 --> 00:10:46,772
- (WOMAN MOANING) QUAGMIRE:
-Giggity Giggity Giggity
285
00:10:46,855 --> 00:10:49,858
(BOTH MOANING AND LAUGHING)
286
00:10:50,400 --> 00:10:51,401
Damn it!
287
00:10:52,110 --> 00:10:53,153
What're you doing?
288
00:10:53,237 --> 00:10:54,488
Your knight was
at king's rook six.
289
00:10:54,571 --> 00:10:55,822
No, my bishop was
at king's rook six.
290
00:10:55,906 --> 00:10:57,407
My knight was at queen five.
291
00:10:57,491 --> 00:10:58,825
No, no, no. It was...
292
00:10:58,909 --> 00:11:00,244
Yes, yes, yes.
293
00:11:00,327 --> 00:11:01,453
In your dreams
your knight was at...
294
00:11:01,537 --> 00:11:02,579
I was...
295
00:11:02,663 --> 00:11:04,081
I saw...
Yeah, yeah...
296
00:11:04,164 --> 00:11:05,541
Look at that.
Look at that.
297
00:11:05,624 --> 00:11:07,501
Now your knight is
at refrigerator five.
298
00:11:07,584 --> 00:11:08,919
Oh, yeah,
that's real mature.
299
00:11:09,002 --> 00:11:10,587
Yeah, well,
you know who comes out a winner? Me.
300
00:11:10,671 --> 00:11:12,339
(IMITATES CROWD CHEERING)
301
00:11:12,422 --> 00:11:14,091
Griffin once again.
302
00:11:14,174 --> 00:11:16,009
(IMITATES CROWD CHEERING)
303
00:11:16,093 --> 00:11:17,761
Undefeated
champion of the world.
304
00:11:17,845 --> 00:11:19,972
(IMITATES CROWD CHEERING)
305
00:11:24,268 --> 00:11:25,853
You know,
San Francisco is a big place.
306
00:11:25,936 --> 00:11:27,771
Have you thought
about how you're gonna find this guy?
307
00:11:27,855 --> 00:11:29,690
Simple, Brian.
Look at this.
308
00:11:32,609 --> 00:11:35,654
My God, this poor fellow
had relations with Lois.
309
00:11:35,737 --> 00:11:38,407
That's more disgusting
than my cousin Quark Griffin.
310
00:11:38,490 --> 00:11:40,492
I'm watching your
every move, Quark,
311
00:11:40,576 --> 00:11:42,995
so don't think
you can get away with any law-breaking.
312
00:11:43,078 --> 00:11:45,038
Yeah, yeah. Whatever, man.
I mean it.
313
00:11:45,122 --> 00:11:46,290
You'll have me to deal with.
314
00:11:46,373 --> 00:11:48,166
Oh, I'm really scared.
315
00:11:48,250 --> 00:11:50,878
I could morph
into a giant python and eat you alive.
316
00:11:50,961 --> 00:11:52,129
Hey, here's an idea.
317
00:11:52,212 --> 00:11:53,547
Why don't you
morph into a guy
318
00:11:53,630 --> 00:11:55,048
with something
interesting to talk about?
319
00:11:57,467 --> 00:11:58,927
Kids, your mother
and I have decided
320
00:11:59,011 --> 00:12:01,138
that we're going to help you two
get out in the dating world.
321
00:12:01,221 --> 00:12:02,222
That's right.
322
00:12:02,306 --> 00:12:03,974
Chris, I'm gonna
show you how to be
323
00:12:04,057 --> 00:12:05,684
an affable,
desirable young man
324
00:12:05,767 --> 00:12:07,895
who doesn't smell
like the inside of a wool hat.
325
00:12:07,978 --> 00:12:09,396
Why you got to break balls?
326
00:12:09,479 --> 00:12:11,190
And, Meg, when I get
through with you,
327
00:12:11,273 --> 00:12:13,650
you're gonna be
beating guys off with both hands.
328
00:12:13,734 --> 00:12:15,235
This is gonna be so fun.
329
00:12:15,319 --> 00:12:16,737
Hey, zip it.
330
00:12:16,820 --> 00:12:21,158
Rule number one,
no speaky until the man speaky to you.
331
00:12:25,662 --> 00:12:27,039
I say,
are we moving on yet?
332
00:12:27,122 --> 00:12:28,415
Just hang out,
little guy.
333
00:12:28,498 --> 00:12:29,583
I'll see you in a while.
334
00:12:29,666 --> 00:12:30,751
Oh, very well.
335
00:12:30,834 --> 00:12:33,295
I suppose I'll go
pump the chemical toilet.
336
00:12:33,378 --> 00:12:35,339
Apparently you're
about to do the same.
337
00:12:38,800 --> 00:12:40,344
What the hell is
taking him so long?
338
00:12:40,427 --> 00:12:42,596
I'm missing precious
time with my father.
339
00:12:42,679 --> 00:12:45,390
Which one of
these is the horn?
340
00:12:45,474 --> 00:12:48,519
That's not it.
That's not it either.
341
00:12:50,395 --> 00:12:51,563
Do something.
342
00:12:51,647 --> 00:12:53,106
I'm afraid to press
anything else.
343
00:12:54,900 --> 00:12:57,611
Okay, Meg, lesson one
for attracting a man.
344
00:12:57,694 --> 00:12:59,196
I want you to shave my back.
345
00:12:59,279 --> 00:13:01,156
Ew! Why would
I want to do that?
346
00:13:01,240 --> 00:13:05,285
Trust me, Meg, shave a man's back for him
and he'll purr like a walrus.
347
00:13:06,453 --> 00:13:08,205
(PURRING)
348
00:13:10,707 --> 00:13:13,794
All right, Chris, now that we've
talked about kissing and cuddling,
349
00:13:13,877 --> 00:13:16,463
it's time to
practice eating out
350
00:13:16,547 --> 00:13:18,423
at a fancy restaurant.
351
00:13:24,096 --> 00:13:26,098
All right, that's it.
352
00:13:26,181 --> 00:13:28,725
Listen, you pervert,
what the devil is taking so long...
353
00:13:28,809 --> 00:13:30,102
Good Lord!
354
00:13:30,185 --> 00:13:31,436
Oh, Stewie, thank God.
355
00:13:31,520 --> 00:13:32,855
That cleaning lady
cleaned me out.
356
00:13:32,938 --> 00:13:34,398
She took all my money.
357
00:13:34,481 --> 00:13:36,400
Hey, do me a favor.
Grab those keys over there, will you?
358
00:13:36,483 --> 00:13:37,860
Oh, what, these keys?
359
00:13:37,943 --> 00:13:39,736
Hmm? These keys here,
these the ones you want, hmm?
360
00:13:39,820 --> 00:13:41,822
These ones right here?
Up yours!
361
00:13:46,535 --> 00:13:48,287
What the hell are you doing?
Where's Quagmire?
362
00:13:48,370 --> 00:13:49,830
He said to go on without him.
363
00:13:49,913 --> 00:13:51,582
We're stealing the Winnebago,
aren't we?
364
00:13:51,665 --> 00:13:53,667
Oh, you can read me
like a book, Brian.
365
00:13:55,335 --> 00:13:56,670
Breaker, breaker, Sidewinder,
this is Party Pooper.
366
00:13:56,753 --> 00:13:57,796
Don't want to
be a ratchet-jaw,
367
00:13:57,880 --> 00:13:59,423
but it looks like
we've got a seat cover
368
00:13:59,506 --> 00:14:01,258
feeding the bears
in the chicken coop, come on.
369
00:14:02,843 --> 00:14:06,513
Eastbound and down
loaded up and trucking
370
00:14:06,597 --> 00:14:09,641
We're gonna do
what they say can't be done
371
00:14:11,643 --> 00:14:13,228
Dad, why are we
just sitting here?
372
00:14:13,312 --> 00:14:14,855
Just give me
a minute, Meg.
373
00:14:14,938 --> 00:14:17,149
What am I supposed to be learning
about dating from...
374
00:14:17,232 --> 00:14:18,942
(SIGHS)
375
00:14:19,026 --> 00:14:21,028
Oh, my God,
Dad, you farted!
376
00:14:21,111 --> 00:14:22,863
That is so nasty!
377
00:14:22,946 --> 00:14:24,281
No, no, no, Meg.
378
00:14:24,364 --> 00:14:25,616
Meg, this is crucial,
all right?
379
00:14:25,699 --> 00:14:27,367
The sexiest thing
a woman can do
380
00:14:27,451 --> 00:14:28,827
for a man is learn
to love his gas.
381
00:14:29,786 --> 00:14:31,955
Love the gas,
Meg, love it!
382
00:14:32,039 --> 00:14:33,290
(FARTS)
383
00:14:33,373 --> 00:14:34,750
(GROANING)
No, no, no, Meg, no, no.
384
00:14:34,833 --> 00:14:36,126
This is why we're here.
385
00:14:36,210 --> 00:14:37,294
This is why we're here.
386
00:14:37,377 --> 00:14:38,420
(SOFTLY)
This is why we're here.
387
00:14:40,547 --> 00:14:43,133
Chris, you've got to learn
how to talk to girls.
388
00:14:43,217 --> 00:14:44,801
So, I'll ask you again,
389
00:14:44,885 --> 00:14:47,804
what are the names of the women
on Sex and the City?
390
00:14:47,888 --> 00:14:49,056
Uh...
391
00:14:49,139 --> 00:14:55,229
Carrie, Miranda,
Samantha and...
392
00:14:55,938 --> 00:14:57,272
Uh...
393
00:14:57,356 --> 00:14:58,482
Scrappy-Doo?
394
00:14:58,565 --> 00:14:59,650
Hit him, Endo.
395
00:14:59,733 --> 00:15:00,734
(SCREAMING)
396
00:15:00,817 --> 00:15:03,946
Bosley? Tootie?
Sheena Easton?
397
00:15:04,029 --> 00:15:05,781
(SCREAMING)
398
00:15:06,698 --> 00:15:08,325
(RATTLING)
399
00:15:12,454 --> 00:15:14,248
- Are you all right? (YELLING)
- Never better!
400
00:15:14,331 --> 00:15:16,291
I got some pep pills
from a trucker at the last stop.
401
00:15:16,375 --> 00:15:17,543
Keeps me awake.
402
00:15:17,626 --> 00:15:18,794
You took pills?
403
00:15:18,877 --> 00:15:20,087
West coast turn-arounds.
404
00:15:20,170 --> 00:15:22,214
Trucker said to
only take one, but I took all of them.
405
00:15:22,297 --> 00:15:23,507
Look, maybe you
should slow down.
406
00:15:23,590 --> 00:15:24,716
Why? We're making good time.
407
00:15:24,800 --> 00:15:26,385
We're not even on the road.
Huh?
408
00:15:26,468 --> 00:15:28,011
I said we're not
even on the road.
409
00:15:28,095 --> 00:15:29,638
Don't need to be.
Compass says west.
410
00:15:29,721 --> 00:15:31,056
That's where we're headed.
411
00:15:31,139 --> 00:15:32,474
Stewie, we're in
the middle of the desert.
412
00:15:32,558 --> 00:15:33,767
I know.
413
00:15:33,851 --> 00:15:35,519
Imagine the nads
on those guys who did this in a wagon?
414
00:15:35,602 --> 00:15:37,396
Pioneers, Brian.
We share their spirit.
415
00:15:37,479 --> 00:15:38,689
Manifest destiny.
416
00:15:38,772 --> 00:15:40,274
All right, that's it,
give me the wheel.
417
00:15:40,357 --> 00:15:41,441
Go to hell!
418
00:15:52,786 --> 00:15:54,371
(SNORING)
419
00:16:05,799 --> 00:16:08,552
This is horrible.
I'm so thirsty.
420
00:16:08,635 --> 00:16:10,971
Oh, my God, Brian,
do you see what I see?
421
00:16:12,181 --> 00:16:13,765
BRIAN: A Dr Pepper machine?
422
00:16:13,849 --> 00:16:15,434
Yes. Oh, I can taste it now.
423
00:16:18,520 --> 00:16:20,689
(BOTH LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY)
424
00:16:24,401 --> 00:16:26,278
Damn it.
It was a mirage.
425
00:16:26,361 --> 00:16:28,906
An RC Cola machine.
426
00:16:28,989 --> 00:16:30,324
Oh, that's it, I give up!
427
00:16:30,407 --> 00:16:31,700
What do you mean?
428
00:16:31,783 --> 00:16:33,118
I never should
have attempted this
429
00:16:33,202 --> 00:16:34,828
in the first place.
It was stupid.
430
00:16:34,912 --> 00:16:36,163
Hey, hey, come on now.
431
00:16:36,246 --> 00:16:37,456
You've come this far,
haven't you?
432
00:16:37,539 --> 00:16:39,625
It's no use!
433
00:16:39,708 --> 00:16:41,627
Even if my real
father is out there,
434
00:16:41,710 --> 00:16:43,462
he probably
doesn't want to see me.
435
00:16:43,545 --> 00:16:44,755
(SOBBING)
436
00:16:44,838 --> 00:16:47,007
Stewie, you've got
to see this through to the end.
437
00:16:47,090 --> 00:16:48,842
Look, maybe this guy
is your real father,
438
00:16:48,926 --> 00:16:51,261
maybe not,
but if you don't find out,
439
00:16:51,345 --> 00:16:54,139
you're gonna spend
the rest of your life wondering.
440
00:16:54,223 --> 00:16:55,766
Maybe you're right.
441
00:16:55,849 --> 00:16:57,768
Come on, I'll stick
by you the whole way.
442
00:16:57,851 --> 00:17:00,354
Just like I did
when we were Siamese twins.
443
00:17:00,437 --> 00:17:01,939
Hey, hey,
look at that woman, Brian.
444
00:17:02,022 --> 00:17:03,482
She has no
business in shorts.
445
00:17:03,565 --> 00:17:05,984
Hey! Hey, you have
no business in shorts!
446
00:17:06,068 --> 00:17:08,445
Oh, tortillas.
Let's do soft tacos tonight.
447
00:17:11,740 --> 00:17:13,200
Well, we've taught
you well, children.
448
00:17:13,283 --> 00:17:14,743
It's in God's hands now.
449
00:17:14,826 --> 00:17:16,954
Now go to the mall
and find yourselves some dates.
450
00:17:17,037 --> 00:17:18,664
Chris, find a girl
who smokes.
451
00:17:18,747 --> 00:17:21,083
Remember,
if she smokes, she pokes.
452
00:17:21,166 --> 00:17:22,376
Bye, kids.
453
00:17:22,459 --> 00:17:23,585
Do you think
they're ready, Peter?
454
00:17:23,669 --> 00:17:25,170
I don't care.
455
00:17:25,254 --> 00:17:27,589
All I care about
is that we have our alone time.
456
00:17:27,673 --> 00:17:28,757
Me, too.
457
00:17:28,841 --> 00:17:30,092
Are we terrible people?
458
00:17:30,175 --> 00:17:32,594
No, no. We're not
terrible people, Lois.
459
00:17:32,678 --> 00:17:34,471
Horses are terrible people.
460
00:17:35,055 --> 00:17:36,098
(CHOKING)
461
00:17:36,181 --> 00:17:38,350
Murder! Murder!
462
00:17:51,238 --> 00:17:53,949
All right, let's split up
and try to find him.
463
00:17:57,035 --> 00:17:58,620
Hey, yeah,
I just checked in.
464
00:17:58,704 --> 00:17:59,872
Yeah, I might lose you.
465
00:17:59,955 --> 00:18:01,039
I just got in the elevator.
466
00:18:01,123 --> 00:18:03,417
Yeah, I'm gonna
grab a shower.
467
00:18:03,500 --> 00:18:05,043
Did you guys eat yet?
468
00:18:06,128 --> 00:18:08,213
No, no.
No, I'll just take a cab.
469
00:18:09,423 --> 00:18:11,633
You got your car?
470
00:18:11,717 --> 00:18:13,385
Do you want to pick me up?
471
00:18:13,468 --> 00:18:14,761
Do you want...
472
00:18:14,845 --> 00:18:16,263
Do you want to pick me up?
473
00:18:16,346 --> 00:18:18,015
Do you want to pick me up?
474
00:18:18,098 --> 00:18:19,558
Do you want to pick me up?
475
00:18:19,641 --> 00:18:21,185
Do you want to pick me up?
476
00:18:21,268 --> 00:18:23,103
(WHISTLING)
477
00:18:28,317 --> 00:18:29,318
(GASPS)
478
00:18:29,401 --> 00:18:30,611
Father!
479
00:18:45,876 --> 00:18:47,794
Utini! Utini!
480
00:18:47,878 --> 00:18:49,213
Filthy creatures.
481
00:19:07,606 --> 00:19:09,107
Whoa! Whoa!
482
00:19:09,191 --> 00:19:11,902
Damn! Why is there
always a fruit stand?
483
00:19:11,985 --> 00:19:13,320
DIPATCHER: High-speed
pursuit in progress.
484
00:19:13,403 --> 00:19:15,781
Headed south on Powell
toward Market Street.
485
00:19:15,864 --> 00:19:18,700
You heard him, people,
Powell and Market. Move it.
486
00:19:21,203 --> 00:19:23,956
I feel like I've searched
this whole bloody city.
487
00:19:24,039 --> 00:19:25,541
I suppose this
means I'll never find
488
00:19:25,624 --> 00:19:27,125
the answer to
who I really am.
489
00:19:27,209 --> 00:19:28,919
Oh, well,
see you gents later.
490
00:19:29,002 --> 00:19:31,129
Free Tibet,
no grapes, all that.
491
00:19:31,213 --> 00:19:33,131
Dude, I could
have sworn that NERF Football
492
00:19:33,215 --> 00:19:34,341
was just talking to me.
493
00:19:34,424 --> 00:19:35,884
(DINGING)
494
00:19:36,927 --> 00:19:38,011
Are you done with
the arts section?
495
00:19:38,846 --> 00:19:39,972
Of course.
496
00:19:40,055 --> 00:19:41,056
(GASPS)
497
00:19:41,640 --> 00:19:42,975
My God!
498
00:19:43,058 --> 00:19:44,309
Oh, dear.
499
00:19:44,393 --> 00:19:46,645
Oh, dear, oh, dear.
This is not good.
500
00:19:46,728 --> 00:19:48,355
This is very bad, very bad.
501
00:19:48,438 --> 00:19:50,023
Oh, Daddy,
I knew I'd find you!
502
00:19:50,107 --> 00:19:51,984
I knew Peter
couldn't be my real father.
503
00:19:52,067 --> 00:19:54,278
No, no, no, you've got
it all wrong, Stewie.
504
00:19:54,361 --> 00:19:56,363
Stewie?
How do you know my name?
505
00:19:56,446 --> 00:19:58,365
Because I'm not your father.
506
00:19:58,448 --> 00:19:59,908
I'm you.
507
00:19:59,992 --> 00:20:03,120
MALE NARRATOR: Could this man
really be Stewie?
508
00:20:03,203 --> 00:20:06,456
Will the cell-phone guy's
friend pick him up?
509
00:20:06,540 --> 00:20:09,418
Will our younger viewers
get this Soap reference?
510
00:20:09,501 --> 00:20:11,837
The answers to
these questions and many others
511
00:20:11,920 --> 00:20:14,214
will be answered
in the next episode.
37163
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