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1
00:00:01,627 --> 00:00:04,713
It seems today
that all you see
2
00:00:04,796 --> 00:00:08,550
Is violence in movies
and sex on TV
3
00:00:08,634 --> 00:00:12,095
But where are those
good old-fashioned values
4
00:00:12,179 --> 00:00:14,890
On which we used to rely?
5
00:00:14,973 --> 00:00:18,393
Lucky there's a family guy
6
00:00:18,477 --> 00:00:21,772
Lucky there's a man
who positively can do
7
00:00:21,855 --> 00:00:23,315
All the things
that make us
8
00:00:23,398 --> 00:00:24,816
Laugh and cry
9
00:00:24,900 --> 00:00:30,072
He's... a...
Fam...ily... Guy
10
00:00:34,243 --> 00:00:36,119
(ringing)
11
00:00:36,203 --> 00:00:37,496
Hey, how'd you sleep,
Peter?
12
00:00:37,579 --> 00:00:39,581
Uh, Brian, last night
I had this crazy dream.
13
00:00:39,665 --> 00:00:41,625
I was eatin' a sheep
and now my pillow's gone.
14
00:00:41,708 --> 00:00:43,126
Oh, wait. Here it is.
15
00:00:43,210 --> 00:00:44,753
What the hell was I eatin'?
16
00:00:44,837 --> 00:00:46,755
(bleating)
17
00:00:49,383 --> 00:00:51,218
Oh, sorry.
18
00:00:52,845 --> 00:00:54,972
(Darth Vader theme playing)
19
00:01:06,400 --> 00:01:07,484
See you, Lois.
20
00:01:07,568 --> 00:01:08,986
Oh, and like
I tell you every day,
21
00:01:09,069 --> 00:01:10,946
if I come back in
the middle of the afternoon
22
00:01:11,029 --> 00:01:13,824
and you're having
sex with somebody, I'll kill you both.
23
00:01:13,907 --> 00:01:16,118
Huh, "Thanks to
effective treatments,
24
00:01:16,201 --> 00:01:19,830
Magic Johnson
down to one AID."
25
00:01:19,913 --> 00:01:21,957
Oh, God, did I hit
that deaf kid again?
26
00:01:22,040 --> 00:01:23,917
They ought to put
a bell on that guy.
27
00:01:26,378 --> 00:01:28,338
The nurse says
Brian won't be out of surgery
28
00:01:28,422 --> 00:01:29,715
for another three hours.
29
00:01:29,798 --> 00:01:31,675
Oh, I hope
he's gonna be okay.
30
00:01:31,758 --> 00:01:33,010
Me, too.
31
00:01:33,093 --> 00:01:35,095
I know we're not here
to place blame or beat ourselves up,
32
00:01:35,179 --> 00:01:38,515
but I can't help feelin' like
this is somehow Meg's fault.
33
00:01:38,599 --> 00:01:40,976
Oh, I just can't
stand the thought of losin' Brian.
34
00:01:41,059 --> 00:01:43,061
Oh, if he dies,
I'm gonna have to start
35
00:01:43,145 --> 00:01:44,521
hanging out
with The Rock again.
36
00:01:44,605 --> 00:01:45,981
ANNOUNCER:
One's a baby,
37
00:01:46,064 --> 00:01:49,651
and the other's... black,
I think.
38
00:01:49,735 --> 00:01:51,778
At least part black.
39
00:01:51,862 --> 00:01:53,864
Or Hispanic.
40
00:01:53,947 --> 00:01:56,700
I think, you know, possibly,
there's some Filipino in there.
41
00:01:56,783 --> 00:01:58,994
Yeah, possibly some Filipino.
42
00:01:59,077 --> 00:02:03,248
I mean, if he-- if he's black,
it's definitely diluted.
43
00:02:03,332 --> 00:02:05,876
I mean, one of his parents
must be white.
44
00:02:05,959 --> 00:02:10,047
What the hell is Jessica Alba,
for that matter?
45
00:02:10,130 --> 00:02:11,465
If I were 40 years younger,
46
00:02:11,548 --> 00:02:13,800
I would plow that
'til next July.
47
00:02:15,928 --> 00:02:18,931
All right, class, today as a special
treat, I'm going to show you this
48
00:02:19,014 --> 00:02:22,100
fascinating episode of NOVA
that I taped at home for you.
49
00:02:23,810 --> 00:02:25,562
You comin' back to bed,
Rob?
50
00:02:25,646 --> 00:02:26,855
Uh, hang on, honey.
Hang on.
51
00:02:26,939 --> 00:02:28,273
My jaw keeps locking up.
52
00:02:28,357 --> 00:02:31,235
Oh, well, that's not
NOVA at all, is it?
53
00:02:31,318 --> 00:02:33,445
That's a sex tape
I made with my wife.
54
00:02:33,529 --> 00:02:36,365
Of course, nobody here is interested
in seeing that sort of thing.
55
00:02:36,448 --> 00:02:38,742
Are they? Probably not.
No. Okay.
56
00:02:38,825 --> 00:02:41,286
Oh, you kind of looked like
you were nodding? Nope?
57
00:02:41,370 --> 00:02:42,913
Okay. Okay,
we should get back to work.
58
00:02:42,996 --> 00:02:45,499
Uh, all right, next up,
does everyone have a lab partner?
59
00:02:45,582 --> 00:02:46,917
-I don't.
-Me, neither.
60
00:02:47,000 --> 00:02:48,001
She can be my partner.
61
00:02:48,126 --> 00:02:49,920
Sarah,
that's very irresponsible.
62
00:02:50,003 --> 00:02:51,296
Meg is awful.
63
00:02:51,380 --> 00:02:53,257
-You want to be my lab partner?
-Really?
64
00:02:53,340 --> 00:02:54,800
Sure, you seem nice.
65
00:02:54,883 --> 00:02:56,510
Hey, do you want to join
my after-school club?
66
00:02:56,593 --> 00:02:57,594
Sure.
67
00:02:57,678 --> 00:02:59,096
Now,
open your books to page--
68
00:02:59,179 --> 00:03:00,305
You know what?
Look, I'm sorry.
69
00:03:00,389 --> 00:03:02,641
Can I just go ahead
and show this video of me doing my wife?
70
00:03:04,560 --> 00:03:06,770
Here we are, Brian,
safe and sound.
71
00:03:06,854 --> 00:03:08,605
Peter, I don't need
to be in a wheelchair.
72
00:03:08,689 --> 00:03:10,274
Now, now, no arguments,
Brian.
73
00:03:10,357 --> 00:03:12,776
I already went through the trouble
of borrowing this ramp from Joe.
74
00:03:12,860 --> 00:03:14,778
I'll see you, honey.
I'll be back in a--
75
00:03:14,862 --> 00:03:15,946
(screaming)
76
00:03:16,029 --> 00:03:17,573
Joe, are you all right?
77
00:03:17,656 --> 00:03:20,784
Don't help me up.
I need to retain my independence.
78
00:03:20,868 --> 00:03:21,869
(crickets chirping)
79
00:03:21,952 --> 00:03:24,663
-You need anything from the market?
-PowerBar!
80
00:03:27,165 --> 00:03:28,417
What's wrong, Brian?
81
00:03:28,500 --> 00:03:30,210
You've just been
sittin' on the couch
82
00:03:30,294 --> 00:03:32,045
ever since you got
back from the hospital.
83
00:03:32,129 --> 00:03:33,630
You need to get
out of the house.
84
00:03:33,714 --> 00:03:35,632
I don't know, Lois.
I'm a little depressed.
85
00:03:35,716 --> 00:03:38,302
The accident got me thinkin'
about how uncertain life is
86
00:03:38,385 --> 00:03:40,095
and how suddenly
it can be taken away.
87
00:03:40,179 --> 00:03:42,514
Oh, you're gonna feel
back to normal in no time.
88
00:03:42,598 --> 00:03:43,599
Here, have some food.
89
00:03:43,682 --> 00:03:44,892
(muffled) I'm not hungry.
90
00:03:44,975 --> 00:03:46,727
Here comes the gravy.
91
00:03:46,810 --> 00:03:48,854
(coughing)
92
00:03:50,522 --> 00:03:52,733
You messy beast.
93
00:03:55,527 --> 00:03:57,112
Well, hello there, Meg.
94
00:03:57,196 --> 00:04:00,032
Um, Neil, I really can't be seen
talking to you anymore.
95
00:04:00,115 --> 00:04:02,784
I have friends now,
and some of them, very popular.
96
00:04:02,868 --> 00:04:05,662
I know. I heard Sarah
is your lab partner.
97
00:04:05,746 --> 00:04:08,832
All those years
of you rejecting me finally made sense.
98
00:04:08,916 --> 00:04:10,584
What do you mean?
99
00:04:13,879 --> 00:04:16,465
Oh, my God!
100
00:04:20,344 --> 00:04:22,012
(sighing)
101
00:04:22,095 --> 00:04:24,014
Meg! There you are.
102
00:04:24,097 --> 00:04:26,600
Hey, everybody, this is our
newest member, Meg.
103
00:04:26,683 --> 00:04:27,684
Hi, Meg.
What's up?
104
00:04:27,768 --> 00:04:30,604
Hi, you gays-- guys--
girls.
105
00:04:30,687 --> 00:04:33,106
Ugh, look, listen, Sarah,
I can't be in your club.
106
00:04:33,190 --> 00:04:34,608
I'm not a lesbian.
107
00:04:34,691 --> 00:04:37,569
You can't be serious.
We had a whole party planned for you.
108
00:04:37,653 --> 00:04:40,030
Really?
A party, for me?
109
00:04:40,113 --> 00:04:42,950
-But I guess if you're not a lesbian...
-Wait, wait.
110
00:04:43,033 --> 00:04:45,536
You didn't let me finish.
I'm not a lesbian.
111
00:04:45,619 --> 00:04:47,955
I'm a super,
huge mega-lesbian.
112
00:04:48,038 --> 00:04:50,707
Oh, good. You'll fit in
with the other mega-lesbians.
113
00:04:50,791 --> 00:04:54,211
My heart's on fire
114
00:04:54,294 --> 00:04:56,004
Elvira
115
00:04:58,465 --> 00:04:59,633
Giddy up
116
00:04:59,716 --> 00:05:02,261
Ba-oom bop, ba-oom bop
ba mow mow
117
00:05:02,344 --> 00:05:03,387
Giddy up
118
00:05:03,470 --> 00:05:06,390
Ba-oom bop, ba-oom bop
ba mow mow
119
00:05:06,473 --> 00:05:08,767
Wow!
I feel so socially accepted.
120
00:05:08,851 --> 00:05:10,394
Hey, do you have
any other friends
121
00:05:10,477 --> 00:05:11,937
you want to invite
to your party?
122
00:05:12,020 --> 00:05:15,357
Uh, no.
Most of my friends... are out of town.
123
00:05:15,440 --> 00:05:17,067
Oh, this is gonna be great!
124
00:05:17,150 --> 00:05:19,111
We'll stay up late,
trade stories.
125
00:05:19,194 --> 00:05:20,362
(gasps)
126
00:05:20,445 --> 00:05:22,823
Ooh, let's watch the video
of my ballet recital.
127
00:05:24,324 --> 00:05:25,325
Here it is!
128
00:05:25,409 --> 00:05:26,743
(gasping)
129
00:05:28,537 --> 00:05:31,164
Sunshine Bear. Wait!
130
00:05:33,834 --> 00:05:35,169
(truck honking)
131
00:05:38,338 --> 00:05:39,339
(gasping)
132
00:05:39,423 --> 00:05:41,550
(music playing)
133
00:05:41,633 --> 00:05:43,844
Hey, how's it goin'?
Good.
134
00:05:43,927 --> 00:05:45,429
Oh, those are huge.
135
00:05:45,512 --> 00:05:47,389
Those are huge boobs.
136
00:05:47,472 --> 00:05:49,057
And you know what's nice?
137
00:05:49,141 --> 00:05:51,268
That-- That you don't
have that blue vein up there
138
00:05:51,351 --> 00:05:53,187
that some of
the bigger ones get.
139
00:05:54,521 --> 00:05:57,608
What?
I said you don't have that.
140
00:05:57,691 --> 00:05:59,484
Hey, buddy,
you're not looking so good.
141
00:05:59,568 --> 00:06:01,862
Who cares how I look?
Nothing matters.
142
00:06:01,945 --> 00:06:04,489
We-- We could all die tomorrow,
every one of us.
143
00:06:04,573 --> 00:06:07,326
Well, isn't that
a damn good reason to live it up today?
144
00:06:07,409 --> 00:06:09,578
Come on, it can't possibly
be that simple.
145
00:06:09,661 --> 00:06:12,414
Excuse me.
I've got a thing to do.
146
00:06:12,497 --> 00:06:13,790
All right,
ladies and gentlemen,
147
00:06:13,874 --> 00:06:15,584
we have a very
special guest tonight.
148
00:06:15,667 --> 00:06:19,963
Please welcome
the Member of the Board, Frank Sinatra Jr.
149
00:06:20,047 --> 00:06:22,382
Love is lovelier
150
00:06:22,466 --> 00:06:25,552
The second time around
151
00:06:26,553 --> 00:06:28,388
Just as wonderful
152
00:06:28,472 --> 00:06:31,725
With both feet
on the ground
153
00:06:33,060 --> 00:06:34,811
Who can say
154
00:06:34,895 --> 00:06:39,316
What brought us
to this miracle we've found
155
00:06:39,399 --> 00:06:41,818
There are those who'd bet
156
00:06:41,902 --> 00:06:45,113
Love comes but once
and yet
157
00:06:45,197 --> 00:06:48,200
I'm oh so glad we met
158
00:06:48,283 --> 00:06:52,621
The second time around
159
00:06:57,417 --> 00:06:59,169
All this singing
is contagious.
160
00:06:59,253 --> 00:07:00,504
I'll sing, too.
161
00:07:00,587 --> 00:07:02,965
Adam West
162
00:07:03,048 --> 00:07:06,134
Adam West
163
00:07:06,218 --> 00:07:08,095
A little bit softer now.
164
00:07:08,178 --> 00:07:10,097
Adam West
165
00:07:10,180 --> 00:07:13,016
Adam West
166
00:07:13,100 --> 00:07:16,228
Adam West, Adam West
167
00:07:16,311 --> 00:07:18,981
I'll come out
when they're all gone.
168
00:07:24,236 --> 00:07:27,823
Wow, Brian, you actually got to sing
with Frank Sinatra Jr.?
169
00:07:27,906 --> 00:07:28,907
Oh, it was amazing.
170
00:07:28,991 --> 00:07:30,450
I-- I got to tell you,
he said some things
171
00:07:30,534 --> 00:07:32,411
that were exactly
what I needed to hear,
172
00:07:32,494 --> 00:07:34,705
and I-- I was just inspired
to get up on that stage.
173
00:07:34,788 --> 00:07:36,665
Got to live life for today,
you know?
174
00:07:36,748 --> 00:07:40,711
Uh, Brian, don't you think it's a little
too early to be hittin' the booze?
175
00:07:40,794 --> 00:07:41,962
Hey,
what's the point of waiting?
176
00:07:42,045 --> 00:07:43,922
You got to live life
while you can and live it hard.
177
00:07:44,006 --> 00:07:45,716
Oh, the Chris Farley method,
that's good.
178
00:07:45,799 --> 00:07:47,634
Frank invited me
back this evening.
179
00:07:47,718 --> 00:07:49,887
I tell you, I feel
more exhilarated than Peter did
180
00:07:49,970 --> 00:07:51,263
when he swam with the bulls.
181
00:07:51,346 --> 00:07:54,683
(classical music playing)
182
00:08:14,494 --> 00:08:15,871
(crowd applauding)
183
00:08:15,954 --> 00:08:18,624
Oh, yeah, that's fair.
No, that's totally a fair score.
184
00:08:23,253 --> 00:08:24,922
You know, Brian,
when you wear that suit,
185
00:08:25,005 --> 00:08:27,549
it looks like
you're taking a white poop.
186
00:08:28,425 --> 00:08:29,760
But it's stuck.
187
00:08:29,843 --> 00:08:31,303
Look, Lois asked me
to baby-sit you,
188
00:08:31,386 --> 00:08:32,763
so just stay here
and be quiet.
189
00:08:32,846 --> 00:08:34,848
I'll be back
after my first set.
190
00:08:37,017 --> 00:08:40,103
What the hell am I supposed
to do to kill time?
191
00:08:40,187 --> 00:08:42,981
Oh, maybe I'll play 52 Pickup.
192
00:08:43,065 --> 00:08:45,776
Ugh, this game's better
if there's someone else here.
193
00:08:45,859 --> 00:08:48,737
'Cause then they can say,
"Oh, I'm not gonna pick up those cards."
194
00:08:48,820 --> 00:08:52,074
And then-- then I say,
"You have to, it's 52 Pickup."
195
00:08:52,157 --> 00:08:54,993
And they say,
"Well, what if I just leave them there?"
196
00:08:55,077 --> 00:08:57,287
And I say,
"Those are my father's cards.
197
00:08:57,371 --> 00:08:58,997
"You can't just
leave them there.
198
00:08:59,081 --> 00:09:00,290
"He's gonna be mad."
199
00:09:00,374 --> 00:09:01,625
Where am I?
200
00:09:01,708 --> 00:09:05,295
I don't care
if the sun don't shine
201
00:09:05,379 --> 00:09:07,422
I do my drinking
in the evening time
202
00:09:07,506 --> 00:09:10,008
When I'm
203
00:09:10,092 --> 00:09:11,927
In Rhode Island
204
00:09:12,010 --> 00:09:13,011
(scatting)
205
00:09:13,136 --> 00:09:14,137
Get out of here.
206
00:09:14,221 --> 00:09:16,557
You can sit
in the sun and camp
207
00:09:16,640 --> 00:09:19,142
But I get my color
from a sun ray lamp
208
00:09:19,226 --> 00:09:21,353
When I'm
209
00:09:21,436 --> 00:09:23,689
In Rhode Island
210
00:09:25,065 --> 00:09:28,443
Whoa. Easy, kid. These people
paid good money to get in here.
211
00:09:28,527 --> 00:09:30,863
Oh, yeah? How much are you
charging them to get out?
212
00:09:30,946 --> 00:09:32,155
(rim shot)
213
00:09:32,239 --> 00:09:34,074
(laughing hysterically)
214
00:09:36,535 --> 00:09:39,037
We go together
There's no mistake
215
00:09:39,121 --> 00:09:41,957
Like a bowl of chowder
and a big clam cake
216
00:09:42,040 --> 00:09:45,002
And we love
217
00:09:45,085 --> 00:09:47,045
Rhode Island
218
00:09:48,213 --> 00:09:50,174
(crowd cheering)
219
00:09:50,257 --> 00:09:51,842
That was sensational.
220
00:09:51,925 --> 00:09:54,553
We're gonna be the biggest thing
since Edison harnessed electricity.
221
00:09:56,638 --> 00:09:59,266
Look at Edison over there
with his damn electricity.
222
00:09:59,349 --> 00:10:02,519
Hey, Edison, how about sharing
some of those light bulbs, huh?
223
00:10:02,603 --> 00:10:04,605
Hey, figure it out
for yourself, man.
224
00:10:04,688 --> 00:10:06,523
We're freezing
our asses off over here.
225
00:10:06,607 --> 00:10:08,650
Hey, man, how do you think
I feel, you know?
226
00:10:08,734 --> 00:10:10,360
You-- You get to look
at my great house.
227
00:10:10,444 --> 00:10:12,404
I get to look at
that dark thing, huh?
228
00:10:12,487 --> 00:10:14,698
What-- what is that, a candle over there?
Oh, that's pretty sweet.
229
00:10:14,781 --> 00:10:16,992
Yeah, it's a candl--
We-- We're freezing over here.
230
00:10:17,075 --> 00:10:20,662
No one in my family's
taken a bath in a month. We stink.
231
00:10:20,746 --> 00:10:22,206
It stinks over here,
you jerk.
232
00:10:22,289 --> 00:10:23,498
I can't hear you
over my central heating.
233
00:10:23,582 --> 00:10:25,042
Hey, why don't you
go to hell, Edison.
234
00:10:25,125 --> 00:10:26,210
Hey, bite me, man.
235
00:10:26,293 --> 00:10:27,628
Hey, you guys seen
The Office?
236
00:10:27,711 --> 00:10:29,588
Oh, no, I guess you haven't,
'cause you don't have a TV.
237
00:10:29,671 --> 00:10:31,548
Hey, how about I come
over there and kick your ass?
238
00:10:31,632 --> 00:10:34,092
Oooh,
yeah, come on over.
239
00:10:34,176 --> 00:10:36,887
( Foxy Lady playing)
240
00:10:36,970 --> 00:10:38,138
Foxy
241
00:10:43,477 --> 00:10:44,895
What is this, Lois?
242
00:10:44,978 --> 00:10:47,523
It's jambalaya.
It's a new recipe.
243
00:10:48,815 --> 00:10:50,317
(grunting)
244
00:10:50,400 --> 00:10:51,401
Peter.
245
00:10:51,485 --> 00:10:53,195
-(whining)
-Eat your food, mister.
246
00:10:53,278 --> 00:10:54,613
(whining)
247
00:10:54,696 --> 00:10:56,240
All right, if you don't want it,
put it in your napkin.
248
00:10:56,323 --> 00:10:57,699
-(whining)
-Peter,
249
00:10:57,783 --> 00:11:00,244
put it in your napkin!
Put it in your--
250
00:11:00,327 --> 00:11:01,995
-(whining)
-I'm not gonna--
251
00:11:02,079 --> 00:11:03,330
-(whining)
-Pet-- (sighs)
252
00:11:03,413 --> 00:11:06,375
You know, some people
would be very happy to have this food.
253
00:11:06,458 --> 00:11:08,168
Like John Goodman's family.
254
00:11:08,252 --> 00:11:10,087
Please, Daddy.
255
00:11:10,170 --> 00:11:13,590
I told you, when I'm finished,
you can have what's left.
256
00:11:13,674 --> 00:11:15,425
There won't be any left.
257
00:11:15,509 --> 00:11:17,678
There's never any left.
258
00:11:19,972 --> 00:11:21,807
(gasping)
259
00:11:21,890 --> 00:11:24,017
Happy Thanksgiving.
260
00:11:24,101 --> 00:11:25,477
(chuckling softly)
261
00:11:27,813 --> 00:11:29,690
Mom, why is
the cable guy here?
262
00:11:29,773 --> 00:11:32,442
It's me, you guys,
and I have something to tell you all.
263
00:11:32,526 --> 00:11:36,905
Mom. Dad. I am a lesbian.
264
00:11:37,948 --> 00:11:40,701
That is awesome.
Peter.
265
00:11:40,784 --> 00:11:42,744
Meg, you are not a lesbian.
266
00:11:42,828 --> 00:11:44,454
You know, I don't care
what you guys think.
267
00:11:44,538 --> 00:11:48,417
All my new lesbian friends accept me,
and that's all that matters.
268
00:11:48,500 --> 00:11:49,710
Meg, you're my daughter.
269
00:11:49,793 --> 00:11:50,961
I would accept you
if you were gay
270
00:11:51,044 --> 00:11:53,589
or blind or retarded,
but you're not.
271
00:11:53,672 --> 00:11:56,300
You guys don't care
about me and my struggle!
272
00:11:56,383 --> 00:11:57,801
I hate you!
273
00:11:57,885 --> 00:11:59,678
Oh, Meg, I think you're
just trying to fit in
274
00:11:59,761 --> 00:12:01,638
by pretending to be
something you're not.
275
00:12:01,722 --> 00:12:05,184
Like the time Peter pretended to be racist
to get out of jury duty.
276
00:12:07,811 --> 00:12:10,397
Awful lot of honkies
in here.
277
00:12:16,028 --> 00:12:17,112
(inaudible)
278
00:12:23,368 --> 00:12:24,995
(inaudible)
279
00:12:36,173 --> 00:12:37,424
(inaudible)
280
00:12:40,844 --> 00:12:42,513
(retching)
281
00:12:48,769 --> 00:12:49,978
Brian, there you are.
282
00:12:50,062 --> 00:12:52,064
Do you have any idea
what time it is?
283
00:12:52,147 --> 00:12:54,066
Stewie was supposed
to be in bed two hours ago.
284
00:12:54,149 --> 00:12:57,444
Oh, yeah, he, uh...
He's, um, he's--
285
00:12:57,528 --> 00:13:00,447
He was right here,
right next to me like, four hours ago.
286
00:13:00,531 --> 00:13:03,575
What? Brian, you were
supposed to watch him!
287
00:13:03,659 --> 00:13:05,494
(gasping)
Oh, my little sweetie!
288
00:13:05,577 --> 00:13:07,496
Hey, Brian, remember me?
289
00:13:07,579 --> 00:13:09,081
I'm the guy you left
standing at the counter
290
00:13:09,164 --> 00:13:11,834
at McDonald's with
a bag full of burgers.
291
00:13:11,917 --> 00:13:14,461
You know, it's funny,
I tried to walk home and, um,
292
00:13:14,545 --> 00:13:18,423
a lot of hungry deer walking around
at this hour of the night and, um,
293
00:13:18,507 --> 00:13:20,133
oh, here's where
the story gets fun.
294
00:13:20,217 --> 00:13:22,594
Uh, you may have noticed
I'm missing an ear.
295
00:13:22,678 --> 00:13:24,847
Managed to, uh, pull it
out of the deer's mouth
296
00:13:24,930 --> 00:13:27,057
and put it in some ice
I got at a 7-Eleven.
297
00:13:27,140 --> 00:13:29,893
So, when you're ready to apologize,
just talk into this cup.
298
00:13:29,977 --> 00:13:32,187
Ugh, Brian,
this is inexcusable.
299
00:13:32,271 --> 00:13:33,939
Yeah, what if somethin'
had happened to Stewie?
300
00:13:34,022 --> 00:13:35,941
My ear's in a cup,
I guess that doesn't count.
301
00:13:36,024 --> 00:13:38,235
Hey, hey,
I'm not the kid's baby-sitter, all right?
302
00:13:38,318 --> 00:13:39,945
I have my own life to live.
303
00:13:40,028 --> 00:13:42,573
You know, this is all because you've been
hangin' out with that Frank Sinatra Jr.
304
00:13:42,656 --> 00:13:44,616
I am gonna call
his mother Mia Farrow
305
00:13:44,700 --> 00:13:46,034
and give her
a piece of my mind.
306
00:13:46,118 --> 00:13:48,412
And you are gonna stop
singin' at that crazy club.
307
00:13:48,495 --> 00:13:49,705
Operator, Mia Farrow,
please.
308
00:13:49,788 --> 00:13:51,415
You stay out of my life!
309
00:13:51,498 --> 00:13:52,541
(growling)
310
00:13:52,624 --> 00:13:53,876
(screaming)
311
00:13:53,959 --> 00:13:56,003
What the hell
is happenin' to you?
312
00:13:56,086 --> 00:13:58,547
Yeah, uh, don't worry, I don't need to go
to the hospital or anything.
313
00:13:58,630 --> 00:14:00,674
I'll just use this
Mr. Potato Head piece.
314
00:14:05,929 --> 00:14:08,348
He bit me, Lois.
The bastard bit me.
315
00:14:08,432 --> 00:14:10,434
Oh, honey,
I'm sure he didn't mean it.
316
00:14:10,517 --> 00:14:13,061
Brian's going through
some heavy stuff right now.
317
00:14:13,145 --> 00:14:14,479
He almost died.
318
00:14:16,982 --> 00:14:19,067
Listen, Peter, I--
319
00:14:19,151 --> 00:14:20,611
I just want to apologi--
(grunts)
320
00:14:20,694 --> 00:14:21,737
You know what?
Forget it.
321
00:14:21,820 --> 00:14:24,072
(stammering)
I don't need this. I'm out of here.
322
00:14:24,156 --> 00:14:26,158
(sighing)
Look what you did, Peter.
323
00:14:26,241 --> 00:14:27,951
I can't help it.
I haven't been this scared
324
00:14:28,035 --> 00:14:29,745
since I was mugged
by Gene Shalit.
325
00:14:29,828 --> 00:14:31,413
Don't Panic Room.
326
00:14:31,496 --> 00:14:34,833
I'm not going
to William Hurt you.
327
00:14:34,917 --> 00:14:38,045
I only want your
Tango & Cash.
328
00:14:38,128 --> 00:14:40,088
So just Pay It Forward
329
00:14:40,172 --> 00:14:43,509
and we'll
all be Happy Gilmore.
330
00:14:43,592 --> 00:14:44,718
What?
331
00:14:49,306 --> 00:14:52,059
So, how's my suddenly
lesbian daughter doin'?
332
00:14:52,142 --> 00:14:54,645
Great. We're checking out
naked girls.
333
00:14:54,728 --> 00:14:57,147
I am so into girls.
334
00:14:57,231 --> 00:14:59,566
Oh, come on, Meg,
you can stop the charade.
335
00:14:59,650 --> 00:15:02,277
My God, you're as transparent
as your father was
336
00:15:02,361 --> 00:15:04,947
when he pretended to be
a Hasidic Jew to get off work.
337
00:15:05,030 --> 00:15:07,074
Good morning,
Hebrews and shebrews.
338
00:15:07,157 --> 00:15:09,326
What a glorious Jewish day.
339
00:15:09,409 --> 00:15:12,454
Hey, how about all those coupons
in the Sunday paper, huh?
340
00:15:12,538 --> 00:15:14,081
Some good deals there.
341
00:15:14,164 --> 00:15:15,958
Hey, you know,
I went into a store last week
342
00:15:16,041 --> 00:15:17,876
and they wanted $800
for a TV,
343
00:15:17,960 --> 00:15:20,671
but I us'ed
them down to $500.
344
00:15:20,754 --> 00:15:22,089
(screaming)
345
00:15:22,422 --> 00:15:25,259
It's not a charade, Mom.
I am a lesbian.
346
00:15:25,342 --> 00:15:27,302
What do I have to do
to prove this to you?
347
00:15:27,386 --> 00:15:29,680
Well, maybe if I'd seen you
kiss your girlfriend.
348
00:15:29,763 --> 00:15:30,806
Fine.
349
00:15:30,889 --> 00:15:31,932
What was that?
350
00:15:32,015 --> 00:15:33,308
What is she,
your grandmother?
351
00:15:33,392 --> 00:15:36,228
(scoffs)
That's no kiss. Watch this.
352
00:15:37,396 --> 00:15:39,690
(moaning)
353
00:15:43,819 --> 00:15:45,946
Look, I can't tell you
how to lead your life.
354
00:15:46,029 --> 00:15:47,489
If you don't want
to face the truth,
355
00:15:47,573 --> 00:15:49,241
there's nothin'
I can do about it.
356
00:15:50,659 --> 00:15:52,369
Chris, I'm all out
of digital audio tape.
357
00:15:52,452 --> 00:15:53,662
Oh, he's gone.
358
00:15:53,745 --> 00:15:56,164
Oh, hey, can I get you guys
to sign these release forms?
359
00:15:58,208 --> 00:16:00,294
Oh, where the hell is Brian?
360
00:16:00,377 --> 00:16:01,795
I don't know,
but I better go find him.
361
00:16:01,879 --> 00:16:04,423
We can't sit here watching
infomercials all night.
362
00:16:04,506 --> 00:16:06,675
Hello.
How come I rich and you not?
363
00:16:06,758 --> 00:16:08,802
How come you not sell
real estate like I do?
364
00:16:08,886 --> 00:16:10,929
How come I sleep with
your wife while you at work,
365
00:16:11,013 --> 00:16:13,432
and then I pee in your toilet
and don't flush?
366
00:16:13,515 --> 00:16:14,850
And sometimes
I open the back part
367
00:16:14,933 --> 00:16:17,436
and I pee in there,
so that when you flush pee come out.
368
00:16:17,519 --> 00:16:18,854
You know why?
Because I'm smart.
369
00:16:18,937 --> 00:16:21,231
I'm smart, you stupid.
Call now.
370
00:16:21,315 --> 00:16:25,277
Brian! Brian!
371
00:16:25,360 --> 00:16:29,114
Brian! Bria--
372
00:16:30,532 --> 00:16:31,783
Ugh, who am I kidding?
373
00:16:31,867 --> 00:16:33,660
All those buttons,
I'll look like Steve Harvey.
374
00:16:33,744 --> 00:16:34,786
Brian!
375
00:16:37,706 --> 00:16:40,459
Yeah, I'll ask the cashier
if I can put this up in the window.
376
00:16:40,542 --> 00:16:42,836
I definitely need
a breath freshener.
377
00:16:42,920 --> 00:16:45,297
Ooh, but that's going
to give me 11 items.
378
00:16:45,380 --> 00:16:47,424
-That's fine.
-No, no, no.
379
00:16:47,508 --> 00:16:49,510
Rules is rules.
380
00:16:49,593 --> 00:16:51,428
Let's see what
I'm gonna put back.
381
00:16:51,512 --> 00:16:54,973
Okay, I need the Reynolds Wrap
and the bathroom tissue.
382
00:16:55,057 --> 00:16:58,769
I could do without the Triscuits,
but they sure are good.
383
00:16:58,852 --> 00:16:59,978
(sighs)
384
00:17:00,062 --> 00:17:02,314
7-Up's the whole reason
I came down here in the first place.
385
00:17:02,397 --> 00:17:03,649
You know what?
386
00:17:03,732 --> 00:17:05,484
I'm not gonna need the V8,
387
00:17:05,567 --> 00:17:07,319
'cause I can just
get some tomato juice
388
00:17:07,402 --> 00:17:09,321
at the mini-mart
down the street.
389
00:17:09,404 --> 00:17:11,365
It's a little more expensive,
but that's okay.
390
00:17:11,448 --> 00:17:13,534
I like to help out
a small business.
391
00:17:13,617 --> 00:17:15,827
I hope it's okay
if I pay you in pennies.
392
00:17:20,249 --> 00:17:22,334
Oh, God, a gutter?
How cliche.
393
00:17:22,417 --> 00:17:24,127
I don't know what went wrong.
394
00:17:24,211 --> 00:17:26,839
I was just trying to
live for the moment, you know?
395
00:17:26,922 --> 00:17:29,383
Because life can end
so abruptly
396
00:17:29,466 --> 00:17:31,552
and there's nothing
you can do to stop it.
397
00:17:31,635 --> 00:17:34,555
Is that why you've been on
this path to self-destruction?
398
00:17:34,638 --> 00:17:36,431
You know, Brian,
as smart as you are,
399
00:17:36,515 --> 00:17:37,933
you've got
to accept the fact that
400
00:17:38,016 --> 00:17:40,894
there are some things in life
that you just can't control.
401
00:17:40,978 --> 00:17:44,565
You mean the way-- the way you can't
control that messed up way
402
00:17:44,648 --> 00:17:45,649
that you laugh
when-- when you think
403
00:17:45,732 --> 00:17:47,651
something's
really, really funny?
404
00:17:47,734 --> 00:17:49,695
WOMAN (on TV): Well, Hope,
I don't understand why
405
00:17:49,778 --> 00:17:51,530
these cookies are
giving us all the fits.
406
00:17:51,613 --> 00:17:53,532
HOPE: Well, no wonder, Faith.
407
00:17:53,615 --> 00:17:55,367
That's not baking powder.
408
00:17:55,450 --> 00:17:57,202
It's sneezing powder.
409
00:17:57,286 --> 00:17:59,037
(laughing ridiculously)
410
00:18:01,999 --> 00:18:05,878
But, I already brought a whole batch
to the church bake sale.
411
00:18:05,961 --> 00:18:07,087
(laughing ridiculously)
412
00:18:09,173 --> 00:18:12,342
No wonder that priest
kept saying, "Bless you."
413
00:18:12,426 --> 00:18:14,052
(laughing ridiculously)
414
00:18:18,265 --> 00:18:19,349
Yes, and I accept that.
415
00:18:19,433 --> 00:18:21,268
Your problem is,
you think that
416
00:18:21,351 --> 00:18:22,811
just because
you're not in control,
417
00:18:22,895 --> 00:18:25,272
nothing matters.
That-- That you don't matter.
418
00:18:25,355 --> 00:18:26,857
But you know what?
419
00:18:26,940 --> 00:18:28,150
You matter to someone.
420
00:18:28,233 --> 00:18:29,943
(hoarse voice)
You matter big time.
421
00:18:32,529 --> 00:18:34,615
Hey, Meg.
What are you doing here?
422
00:18:34,698 --> 00:18:37,618
Listen, Sarah,
I got to get something off my chest.
423
00:18:37,701 --> 00:18:38,827
Yes!
424
00:18:38,911 --> 00:18:40,162
I need to open up.
425
00:18:40,245 --> 00:18:41,246
Sweet.
426
00:18:41,330 --> 00:18:43,290
So get ready
'cause here it is.
427
00:18:43,373 --> 00:18:44,833
My mom was right.
428
00:18:45,959 --> 00:18:46,960
What do you mean?
429
00:18:47,044 --> 00:18:48,253
I'm not gay.
430
00:18:48,337 --> 00:18:49,755
What?
431
00:18:49,838 --> 00:18:52,508
So, all those rounds of golf we played,
those were all lies?
432
00:18:52,591 --> 00:18:53,759
I'm so sorry.
433
00:18:53,842 --> 00:18:56,678
For the first time in my life,
I felt like I belonged,
434
00:18:56,762 --> 00:18:58,472
and I wanted it to be true.
435
00:18:58,555 --> 00:19:00,807
So I pretended
to be something I'm not.
436
00:19:00,891 --> 00:19:03,268
You're going to choose
to be heterosexual?
437
00:19:03,352 --> 00:19:04,853
I thought being gay
wasn't a choice.
438
00:19:04,937 --> 00:19:05,938
Well, not for guys.
439
00:19:06,021 --> 00:19:07,940
It was wrong of me
to mislead you.
440
00:19:08,023 --> 00:19:09,149
I should go.
441
00:19:09,233 --> 00:19:11,276
That was awful.
That was just awful.
442
00:19:11,360 --> 00:19:12,778
What do you think, Mark?
443
00:19:12,861 --> 00:19:15,197
I don't know, man.
We didn't get the shots we need.
444
00:19:15,280 --> 00:19:16,865
Man, what do you think, Mike?
445
00:19:16,949 --> 00:19:19,076
I mean, if you saw action
goin' on in front of you,
446
00:19:19,159 --> 00:19:21,495
would you know instinctively
to center it in front of you?
447
00:19:21,578 --> 00:19:23,038
I don't know.
Could someone take
448
00:19:23,121 --> 00:19:24,456
my soda out of
the icebox please,
449
00:19:24,540 --> 00:19:25,958
so it doesn't freeze?
450
00:19:26,041 --> 00:19:29,127
(orchestra playing)
451
00:19:29,211 --> 00:19:30,963
(applause)
452
00:19:32,422 --> 00:19:35,467
How I love a girl
who's flawless
453
00:19:35,551 --> 00:19:38,095
Even better
when she's braless
454
00:19:38,178 --> 00:19:42,474
But the thing
that tops it all is when we swing
455
00:19:44,935 --> 00:19:47,813
And how I love
a glass of Jack
456
00:19:47,896 --> 00:19:50,566
Or anything
with Robert Stack
457
00:19:50,649 --> 00:19:52,818
But the gals we romance
458
00:19:52,901 --> 00:19:54,278
Can't stay
out of our pants
459
00:19:54,361 --> 00:19:55,988
When we swing
460
00:19:57,447 --> 00:20:01,577
Yesterday had got me
feeling kind of blue
461
00:20:03,787 --> 00:20:08,000
So you left and
we replaced you with a Jew
462
00:20:08,083 --> 00:20:09,293
-Lady!
-You're fired.
463
00:20:09,376 --> 00:20:10,502
Oy!
464
00:20:10,586 --> 00:20:13,630
We love it
when the ladies squeeze us
465
00:20:13,714 --> 00:20:16,550
That's an easy way
to please us
466
00:20:16,633 --> 00:20:19,344
But we feel like
freaking Jesus
467
00:20:19,428 --> 00:20:21,763
When we swing
468
00:20:22,931 --> 00:20:25,851
I love
the work of Allen Funt
469
00:20:26,768 --> 00:20:29,563
Or a nicely shaven leg
470
00:20:29,646 --> 00:20:34,484
But nothing compares
to the feeling that we get
471
00:20:35,694 --> 00:20:39,031
No, nothing compares
to the feeling we get
472
00:20:39,114 --> 00:20:42,951
When we swing
473
00:20:43,035 --> 00:20:45,037
(all cheering)
474
00:20:47,164 --> 00:20:49,041
Frank, there you are.
475
00:20:49,124 --> 00:20:50,334
Mia Farrow?
476
00:20:50,417 --> 00:20:53,212
What's this I hear about you up all night
with a baby and a dog?
477
00:20:53,295 --> 00:20:55,047
Oh, leave me alone.
478
00:20:55,130 --> 00:20:56,340
Get over here, young man.
479
00:20:56,423 --> 00:20:58,008
Oh, damn it all.
480
00:21:03,138 --> 00:21:06,058
-FRANK JR.: It seems today
-that all you see
481
00:21:06,141 --> 00:21:09,603
Is violence in movies
and sex on TV
482
00:21:09,686 --> 00:21:13,190
But where are those
good old-fashioned values
483
00:21:13,273 --> 00:21:15,901
On which we used to rely?
484
00:21:15,984 --> 00:21:19,238
Lucky there's a family guy
485
00:21:19,321 --> 00:21:22,407
Lucky there's a man
who positively can do
486
00:21:22,491 --> 00:21:24,368
All the things
that make us
487
00:21:24,451 --> 00:21:25,702
Laugh and cry
488
00:21:25,786 --> 00:21:31,166
He's a family guy
35797
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