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Why am I making this documentary?
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Partly because I'm selfish,
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because I want to get better,
and partly because I know that...
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..having anxiety is probably one
of the most lonely, most isolating
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things to have because you are
your own worst enemy
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and you live inside your head.
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And I know there are thousands of
people out there
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who suffer just like me.
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And we need to talk.
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That's half the healing -
we need to talk.
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I'm Nadiya Hussain.
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And I've been living with
extreme anxiety
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for as long as I can remember.
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It's something that I've always
tried to hide.
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What people don't see is, before I
sit in front of a camera,
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nobody really sees what it took
to put on a smile.
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Nadiya!
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CHEERING
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Nobody sees that.
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And I think that's why people will
watch this and be surprised.
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Hi, how are you?
Good, thank you, how are you?
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Good... I might seem happy
and relaxed...
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Thank you so much, thank you.
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..but that's not how I feel.
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That feeling of worry is
always there.
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It's so heavy and it just...
it doesn't go away.
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I can hear the beating of my heart
in my chest and then it goes
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up to my head, and then I have
a panic attack.
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And it feels like you're going
to die.
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Imagine what kind of a life
you live,
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if you worry about dying
every single day.
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I think I have an anxiety disorder.
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But I've never had a proper
diagnosis, so I don't know exactly
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what's wrong with me
or if I can get better.
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So, I've decided it's time
to seek help.
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What happening now? Tell me what's
going through your mind.
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I don't like that feeling.
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I'll undergo a course of therapy,
letting cameras record my progress.
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So, you'd feel as if your life
was in danger?
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It's that same feeling? Yeah.
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In the hope of breaking down
the stigma
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surrounding this
crippling condition.
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So, I'm really tense.
My mouth feels really tense.
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It's taking all of my strength
to keep my head up.
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With five million people in the UK
diagnosed with anxiety disorders,
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it seems anxiety is on the rise.
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Is there a pressure to be perfect?
Yeah.
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I'm going to explore how other
sufferers are coping.
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I do still get anxiety attacks
and it's...
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Even whilst being on the pills?
Even whilst on them, yeah.
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I'll investigate different
treatments.
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I'm scared, so, I don't know
where to go, what to do.
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You're actually OK.
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You didn't die,
you didn't pass out...
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And ask what can be done
to help me and millions
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of others like me get better.
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It's got to a point in my life
where that's all I am now.
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I'm just the panic.
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I'm just the anxiety, and I don't
want to be that any more.
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Is that OK?
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How are you feeling?
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I feel sweaty, I feel really hot.
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Am I talking to you, or am I talking
to camera...?
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You're talking to me.
Talking to you.
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Yeah, suddenly, it all feels
really real now.
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Like, the mic's on.
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I wish I had the answers -
I don't have the answers
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and this is why I'm doing this.
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I'm sweating so much. Oh, my God!
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My face is so hot.
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I thought this was going
to be really easy.
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I thought I could do this.
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OK.
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Anxiety is an emotion we all
experience from time to time.
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But the difference for me is that
it's often an overwhelming
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feeling I can't control...
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What are you making? Brownies.
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..which is tough on me
but also hard for my kids
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and my husband, Abdal.
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Can I have a cup of tea? Yeah, sure.
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Seeing as you weren't going
to offer.
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Milk, please.
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Milk, no sugar. No sugar, thank you.
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I worry about the most
ridiculous things.
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Things that my mind doesn't need
to be cluttered with.
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I know that.
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I worry about everything.
I can't even...
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I worry about everything.
You name it, I worry about it.
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Everything is a worry.
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Do you remember that time we did a
food shop and I needed coriander?
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They substituted it for parsley.
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In what world is coriander
anything like parsley?
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I couldn't see past that
and remember I told you,
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"Get the kids out of here
because I don't want them to see me
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"have a panic attack"?
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That was quite scary.
When I saw that... Slightly ashamed.
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..I thought she was having
a heart attack.
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At the time I was so worried.
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Whatever it is it looked like
something that needs an ambulance.
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Just give it a little mix until
there's no flour at the bottom.
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Let me go find some eggs. OK.
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Hey, girls.
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The only time I've actually really
tried to work out what my anxiety
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feels like is when I knew that
I had to explain it to my kids.
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To me it's like a monster.
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Now, some days, it feels
like the monster is so big, so huge,
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that it's in my face and I can't do
anything cos I can't see past it.
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It's there screaming and shouting
at me and it's just...
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I can't do anything,
I can't function, I can't move,
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and I just stay in bed.
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The only way I've found to stop my
anxiety spiralling out of control
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is to distract myself
by keeping busy.
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I feel less anxious
when I have a routine
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and I know what I'm doing
and when I'm doing it.
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So, can you tell me your routine?
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Like day to day? Yeah.
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So, go from the very beginning. OK.
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ALARM BELL RINGS
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I try and start every day
exactly the same way.
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5, 530, just before the sun rises,
I get up and I'll pray.
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Once I've prayed, come down, give
the kids breakfast, seven o'clock.
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After dropping them off at school
I'll go for a 5K walk.
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And after I've finished my morning
routine I keep my mind busy
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with my work.
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For me, cooking's a distraction.
Baking's a distraction.
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So, I'll cook and bake a lot
more than we can physically eat.
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It's a vicious cycle, I just keep
doing it, I keep doing it.
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When anxiety hits I like to bake.
Let me show you.
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Carrot cake,
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coffee marble Bundt thingy,
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some brownies.
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and there's salted caramel
in the fridge.
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Despite all my efforts, I still
have regular panic attacks
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and I've decided it's finally time
to do something about it.
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I think we should just look up...
I'm just going to look up anxiety.
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Yeah, cos we're not even sure
if there's... Go on, you do it.
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Shall we just go to an NHS website,
then? Let's go to an NHS.
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That's it.
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I'm pretty certain I have an anxiety
disorder but I've never been
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fully diagnosed.
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Looking online, anxiety seems
to be a general term for a range
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of disorders, all of which share
similar symptoms.
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Ah, symptoms and panic attack.
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Symptoms include a racing
heartbeat - check. Definitely.
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Feeling faint. Mm-hm. Check.
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Sweating, nausea, chest pain,
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shortness of breath,
choking sensation.
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Check to all of those.
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A feeling of dread or fear of dying.
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To me, that's one of the key ones.
Yeah.
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Everything I do ends with,
"I think we're going to die."
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Says here people with generalised
anxiety disorder,
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they don't remember the last time
they felt relaxed.
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Would you?
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Really?
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Are you OK?
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What are you thinking right now?
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What's wrong?
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What are you thinking?
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It's quite difficult to kind of read
about the fact that it's always
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like that and you're telling me
it is always like that.
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I've never...
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Asked yourself that question? Yeah.
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I've never read those words
in that sentence like that before,
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that people with that
don't ever feel relaxed.
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And you agree with that? Yeah.
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Oh, my goodness, yeah.
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Do you think you want treatment?
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I think so, don't you?
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You answered that very quickly.
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For us... Think about it,
for the kids, for me.
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I'd feel much more comfortable...
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You answer that question,
do you want me to get better?
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Of course. Why wouldn't I?
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You have to take time out
to give this a go.
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I have to give it a chance,
haven't I? Yeah.
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I have to give it a chance.
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Having started looking, I have
more questions than answers.
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Why do people get anxiety disorders,
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how big a problem is it,
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and are any of the
treatments effective?
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To find out I'm meeting David Clark
from the University of Oxford.
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The NHS's adviser on improving
access to treatment
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for anxiety disorders.
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Anxiety disorders don't discriminate
between people.
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Over 25% of us will experience
an anxiety disorder
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at some time in our life.
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So what is anxiety?
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Anxiety is an emotion
that we all experience
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when we are in a situation
that we think is dangerous
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and we're not sure whether we can
deal with the danger.
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The problem is, though,
if there isn't a real danger,
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you're in a situation where you
think it's dangerous and it's not,
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and that's when you start
to develop anxiety disorders.
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But anxiety disorders
are poorly detected.
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So, if you take the other common
mental health problem, depression,
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and you ask people who've got
depression now,
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has any professional
ever spotted it?
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It's about 70% which is quite good.
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But if you take anxiety disorders
and you ask the same question
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it's only about 20% of people.
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We know that whether it's people
talking more or whether it's always
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been there, but there
is a rise in anxiety,
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but treatment's improving, too.
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People are beginning to realise
that there are psychological
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therapies that really help
and the more people become aware
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of that the more people are willing
to talk about it because it's one
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thing to talk about something if you
think there's nothing that can be
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done about it and you feel
ashamed about it.
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It's very different if you think,
"Well, if I talk about it I can get
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"good help and I can really
overcome it."
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So, the two most effective
treatments are medication
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and also cognitive behaviour therapy
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which looks at helping people
challenge their negative thoughts
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about how dangerous situations are,
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but also change their behaviour when
that's maintaining the anxiety.
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What I find encouraging
talking to David is that there are
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effective treatments available.
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I'm a little wary of medication,
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so I've decided to start with a
course of cognitive behavioural
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therapy or CBT.
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I've been referred by a GP
to a specialist in Oxford.
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I've been nervous
for the last few days
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and I keep saying to myself,
"Maybe you don't have to do it."
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Maybe you could just avoid
it for another three decades,
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but I can't.
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Professor Paul Salkovskis
will be my CBT therapist.
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In the first session of
this structured therapy,
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Paul wants to assess the extent
of my anxiety
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so next time we meet he can give
me an exact diagnosis.
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This feels like...
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..a test I'm failing miserably.
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What do you mean?
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All of these are severe.
All of them are severes.
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The fact that I'm finally sat
here is quite a big deal for me.
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One of the things that stopped me,
the only thing that really stopped
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me from ever seeing a professional,
was the thought that somebody
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would say, "You're crazy."
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Tie me up, stick me in a white van
and take my children away.
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A lot of people with anxiety
consider that the anxiety itself
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might make them unfit
to be a parent.
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Of course, what anxiety does
is it means that you're super sharp
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00:12:09,480 --> 00:12:14,520
and it's never a reason to take
children away from parents. OK.
244
00:12:14,520 --> 00:12:18,800
Can you tell me a bit about the most
important ways it restricts
245
00:12:18,800 --> 00:12:20,800
your life and perhaps damages
your life?
246
00:12:20,800 --> 00:12:23,280
Erm...
I've stopped seeing any friends.
247
00:12:24,360 --> 00:12:25,480
I'm sorry to hear that.
248
00:12:25,480 --> 00:12:26,880
Does that make you at all sad?
249
00:12:26,880 --> 00:12:28,640
So...
250
00:12:28,640 --> 00:12:29,880
Yeah.
251
00:12:29,880 --> 00:12:32,400
"I don't see my friends any more."
I mean, my goodness. Yeah.
252
00:12:32,400 --> 00:12:34,320
No, I don't have any friends
any more.
253
00:12:34,320 --> 00:12:36,880
"I don't have any friends"?
No, I don't have any friends.
254
00:12:36,880 --> 00:12:38,520
You don't have them
or you don't see them?
255
00:12:38,520 --> 00:12:40,640
No, I don't have any friends.
256
00:12:40,640 --> 00:12:41,760
OK.
257
00:12:41,760 --> 00:12:45,160
Yeah, I use so much of my
energy on just...
258
00:12:46,880 --> 00:12:48,880
..just doing day-to-day stuff.
259
00:12:48,880 --> 00:12:53,080
There's a lot of energy going into
keeping an eye open for the anxiety
260
00:12:53,080 --> 00:12:54,720
and the panic, isn't it?
261
00:12:54,720 --> 00:12:57,320
So, it's a permanent
distraction kind of thing.
262
00:12:57,320 --> 00:12:59,240
You're constantly doing things which
263
00:12:59,240 --> 00:13:01,160
kind of holds the monster at bay.
264
00:13:01,160 --> 00:13:03,760
That's exactly what I call it.
Yeah. OK.
265
00:13:03,760 --> 00:13:05,200
Yeah, I call it my monster.
266
00:13:05,200 --> 00:13:07,920
Were you a child who worried a lot
267
00:13:07,920 --> 00:13:11,040
or do you remember being worried?
268
00:13:11,040 --> 00:13:13,280
I've had this feeling for as long
as I can remember.
269
00:13:13,280 --> 00:13:16,720
But I was bullied in primary school
up until I left primary school.
270
00:13:16,720 --> 00:13:18,320
What were you bullied about?
271
00:13:18,320 --> 00:13:21,440
Erm, for being dark.
272
00:13:21,440 --> 00:13:26,840
OK. They would wait in corners
and pull chunks of my hair out
273
00:13:26,840 --> 00:13:28,360
till it was bleeding.
274
00:13:29,680 --> 00:13:34,360
And they slammed my fingers
in doors and all of my nails
275
00:13:34,360 --> 00:13:37,120
eventually fell out because
they were all black and blue.
276
00:13:37,120 --> 00:13:40,920
And I think it was my last year
of school and they flushed my head
277
00:13:40,920 --> 00:13:42,360
down the toilet.
278
00:13:42,360 --> 00:13:44,320
But did you tell your parents or...?
279
00:13:44,320 --> 00:13:46,120
No, they had lots going on.
280
00:13:46,120 --> 00:13:48,400
They were in and out of hospital
quite a lot with my brother
281
00:13:48,400 --> 00:13:50,200
and sister who were really sick,
282
00:13:50,200 --> 00:13:51,800
so I just never said anything.
283
00:13:51,800 --> 00:13:54,880
Knowing that it would not be fair
to go and tell them that,
284
00:13:54,880 --> 00:13:57,960
"Mum, I'm being bullied" or
"Mum, this boy's hurting me."
285
00:13:59,000 --> 00:14:02,880
Can you see that that might have set
you up to be a bit worried later?
286
00:14:02,880 --> 00:14:04,720
Because there was a lot
to be worried about.
287
00:14:07,400 --> 00:14:08,920
Yeah, that makes sense.
288
00:14:16,720 --> 00:14:18,600
That was hard, it was really hard
289
00:14:18,600 --> 00:14:20,760
talking about things that
have happened in the past.
290
00:14:22,080 --> 00:14:24,680
Paul's doing something that's
completely opposite to what I've
291
00:14:24,680 --> 00:14:26,200
been doing all these years.
292
00:14:26,200 --> 00:14:29,240
I've tried to kind of suppress it
and dig deep and push it down.
293
00:14:29,240 --> 00:14:31,440
He's saying, "No, let's talk
about it a little bit more,
294
00:14:31,440 --> 00:14:33,480
"let's think about why
that happened."
295
00:14:33,480 --> 00:14:35,840
And that's something
that I haven't done ever.
296
00:14:40,040 --> 00:14:43,400
My past is in Luton where I grew
up and where I started
297
00:14:43,400 --> 00:14:45,040
to suffer from anxiety.
298
00:14:46,960 --> 00:14:49,880
I'm a first generation British
Bangladeshi and I lived here
299
00:14:49,880 --> 00:14:53,480
until I was 20 with my five
brothers and sisters.
300
00:14:53,480 --> 00:14:55,920
This is your world.
This is it, yeah.
301
00:14:55,920 --> 00:14:57,880
This is my world.
302
00:14:57,880 --> 00:14:59,840
It's changed a little bit
since I was here last.
303
00:15:02,480 --> 00:15:04,240
My sisters still live in the area.
304
00:15:04,240 --> 00:15:06,040
Hi! Only me, let me in.
305
00:15:06,040 --> 00:15:09,560
Growing up, although they saw
how bad my anxiety was,
306
00:15:09,560 --> 00:15:11,240
we never really talked about it.
307
00:15:11,240 --> 00:15:12,800
Hey. Hey.
308
00:15:12,800 --> 00:15:16,080
Look at my eyebrows.
They're horrendous!
309
00:15:16,080 --> 00:15:18,040
What happened to his top lip?
310
00:15:19,520 --> 00:15:21,040
You look cute!
311
00:15:21,040 --> 00:15:22,960
I look like a little chocolate drop!
312
00:15:22,960 --> 00:15:26,600
Talking in therapy has made me
realise that serious health issues
313
00:15:26,600 --> 00:15:29,480
in my family could have been one
of the triggers for my anxiety
314
00:15:29,480 --> 00:15:30,720
as a child.
315
00:15:32,400 --> 00:15:35,080
That's our little brother
and he is only a couple
316
00:15:35,080 --> 00:15:36,640
of days old there.
317
00:15:36,640 --> 00:15:39,720
When he was born I spent
probably close to six months
318
00:15:39,720 --> 00:15:41,840
just watching his chest go
up and down in the fear
319
00:15:41,840 --> 00:15:43,360
that he would just die.
320
00:15:43,360 --> 00:15:47,000
Both my youngest brother and sister
had life-threatening diseases
321
00:15:47,000 --> 00:15:48,600
when they were born.
322
00:15:48,600 --> 00:15:50,880
Do you remember when I was like
seven or eight and I'd get
323
00:15:50,880 --> 00:15:52,560
really emotional and start crying?
324
00:15:52,560 --> 00:15:57,360
Like, if mum would go out somewhere,
really quickly nip out, and we know
325
00:15:57,360 --> 00:16:00,080
she's had cross words with Dad. "Oh,
she's never going to come back!"
326
00:16:00,080 --> 00:16:01,760
I used to take it to the extreme.
327
00:16:01,760 --> 00:16:06,240
Yeah, you would be absolutely
hysterical and I used to think,
328
00:16:06,240 --> 00:16:10,000
I used to look at you and I'd
think, why is she doing that?
329
00:16:10,000 --> 00:16:11,720
Why is she doing that?
330
00:16:11,720 --> 00:16:14,040
Why does she have to be so dramatic?
331
00:16:14,040 --> 00:16:16,120
That's the problem with having this.
332
00:16:16,120 --> 00:16:21,680
I think about death in a kind of
irrational, crazy all the time...
333
00:16:21,680 --> 00:16:25,160
I remember saying to myself,
if I didn't repeat everybody's names
334
00:16:25,160 --> 00:16:28,040
before I fell asleep
everyone would die.
335
00:16:28,040 --> 00:16:31,080
Whoever's name I didn't repeat...
Goodness, that's a lot of pressure.
336
00:16:31,080 --> 00:16:34,040
What I used to do is, I used
to have my fingers and I used to say
337
00:16:34,040 --> 00:16:37,360
Mum, Dad, Didi, Rumi...
338
00:16:37,360 --> 00:16:39,600
So, Mum, Dad... That's what you
were doing at night.
339
00:16:39,600 --> 00:16:41,480
Did you ever see that?
This was me. I used to do...
340
00:16:41,480 --> 00:16:43,280
I would always watch you do that
and I'd be like,
341
00:16:43,280 --> 00:16:44,560
why does she do that?
342
00:16:44,560 --> 00:16:45,840
And it's become a habit now.
343
00:16:45,840 --> 00:16:47,680
Even now, I'm listening
to you and I'm thinking,
344
00:16:47,680 --> 00:16:49,640
I'm telling me in my head,
345
00:16:49,640 --> 00:16:53,680
I'm saying, well, some things
you can't help.
346
00:16:53,680 --> 00:16:55,120
Like life and death.
347
00:16:55,120 --> 00:16:56,480
That's not in our control.
348
00:16:56,480 --> 00:16:58,640
Why worry about it so much?
I can't help it, though.
349
00:16:58,640 --> 00:17:00,600
Yeah, I know, this is it.
There's a voice in your head.
350
00:17:00,600 --> 00:17:03,560
I can't help it.
And that, to me, is like...
351
00:17:04,800 --> 00:17:07,400
..wow, there's a voice in your head?
Yeah.
352
00:17:07,400 --> 00:17:10,320
What does a voice in your head
sound like?
353
00:17:10,320 --> 00:17:12,200
It tells you that you're not
good enough.
354
00:17:12,200 --> 00:17:13,640
It tells you that you're inadequate.
355
00:17:13,640 --> 00:17:15,520
It tells you that you're
a bad mother.
356
00:17:15,520 --> 00:17:17,800
It tells you that you're the worst
sister in the world,
357
00:17:17,800 --> 00:17:20,760
it tells you that you're the
most disappointing daughter
358
00:17:20,760 --> 00:17:21,960
that ever lived.
359
00:17:21,960 --> 00:17:24,320
It tells you that you're
an inadequate wife.
360
00:17:24,320 --> 00:17:26,720
It tells you that
you are not good enough.
361
00:17:26,720 --> 00:17:30,080
So, if I told you, Nadiya, you are
the best sister in the world.
362
00:17:30,080 --> 00:17:33,360
Forget about these two...
You're the best sister in the world.
363
00:17:33,360 --> 00:17:36,560
Yeah? You are everything
that I could ever ask for
364
00:17:36,560 --> 00:17:38,360
in a sister.
365
00:17:38,360 --> 00:17:39,440
Is that not good enough?
366
00:17:39,440 --> 00:17:41,760
I'd say you're lying or
you're just saying that.
367
00:17:41,760 --> 00:17:45,080
Or you're just saying
it to make me happy.
368
00:17:45,080 --> 00:17:48,400
The thing is, because of my anxiety
I don't appreciate that.
369
00:17:48,400 --> 00:17:50,720
I can't appreciate the fact that
I've got beautiful children,
370
00:17:50,720 --> 00:17:52,680
an amazing husband,
a wonderful family.
371
00:17:52,680 --> 00:17:54,160
Sometimes I don't see it.
372
00:17:57,840 --> 00:17:59,960
I think, as her older sister,
373
00:17:59,960 --> 00:18:03,000
I didn't realise how deep
it actually is.
374
00:18:04,240 --> 00:18:08,560
The details when she was telling me
about how she used to count down
375
00:18:08,560 --> 00:18:12,000
the names and things like that,
that blew my mind.
376
00:18:12,000 --> 00:18:15,120
I thought, really,
she actually does that?
377
00:18:15,120 --> 00:18:17,520
How does one get through the day?
378
00:18:21,320 --> 00:18:24,880
It's clear I was anxious
from an early age so I want to know
379
00:18:24,880 --> 00:18:27,680
if this is something
I was born with.
380
00:18:27,680 --> 00:18:31,760
And if so, could I, and other
anxiety sufferers like me,
381
00:18:31,760 --> 00:18:34,880
pass the condition
onto our children?
382
00:18:34,880 --> 00:18:39,280
I'm afraid - I've got three kids
and I'm scared that they'll have it.
383
00:18:39,280 --> 00:18:41,760
One of them will have it
or all of them will have it.
384
00:18:44,960 --> 00:18:47,560
And I hope it isn't genetic.
I don't want it to be genetic.
385
00:18:51,440 --> 00:18:55,200
For the past 26 years at King's
College London, scientists
386
00:18:55,200 --> 00:18:58,800
have been conducting one of the
largest twin studies in the world.
387
00:19:00,400 --> 00:19:04,720
Using cutting edge research carried
out on 15,000 pairs of twins,
388
00:19:04,720 --> 00:19:07,440
they've been investigating
the complex relationship
389
00:19:07,440 --> 00:19:09,360
between nature and nurture.
390
00:19:11,240 --> 00:19:15,320
Rosa and her sister Margi have been
part of the study since it began.
391
00:19:15,320 --> 00:19:17,240
This is where they do the studies?
392
00:19:17,240 --> 00:19:21,840
So, in this research centre this
is where the twin study is based
393
00:19:21,840 --> 00:19:24,560
as well as a lot of other studies.
394
00:19:24,560 --> 00:19:26,480
As well as being a participant,
395
00:19:26,480 --> 00:19:30,520
Rosa now works on the study,
conducting ground-breaking research
396
00:19:30,520 --> 00:19:35,120
into the role of genetics and
environment on anxiety disorders.
397
00:19:35,120 --> 00:19:38,400
So, this twin study, you've
both, obviously, been doing it.
398
00:19:38,400 --> 00:19:40,760
What information is it that
they're trying to gather?
399
00:19:40,760 --> 00:19:42,240
It's banking on the fact
400
00:19:42,240 --> 00:19:45,240
that twins are really a neat
natural experiment.
401
00:19:45,240 --> 00:19:47,560
How does that make you feel?
402
00:19:47,560 --> 00:19:48,880
A little bit like lab rats.
403
00:19:48,880 --> 00:19:50,800
Yeah, sometimes.
404
00:19:50,800 --> 00:19:53,840
By comparing twins we
can start to unpick...
405
00:19:55,280 --> 00:19:57,840
..how different traits are genetic.
406
00:19:57,840 --> 00:20:00,760
So nature and nurture? Yeah.
407
00:20:00,760 --> 00:20:04,600
Which brings me to my question,
because I suffer with anxiety.
408
00:20:04,600 --> 00:20:06,200
Is there an anxiety gene?
409
00:20:06,200 --> 00:20:10,400
That's the classic question
that we always get asked,
410
00:20:10,400 --> 00:20:12,280
and there absolutely isn't.
411
00:20:12,280 --> 00:20:15,960
Anxiety is influenced by loads
and loads of genes and all of them
412
00:20:15,960 --> 00:20:18,040
have quite small effects.
413
00:20:18,040 --> 00:20:20,280
So, it's not to say
that it's genetic.
414
00:20:20,280 --> 00:20:22,480
You can't say whether it's genetic
specifically?
415
00:20:22,480 --> 00:20:24,560
Yeah, well, we know that genes
are important
416
00:20:24,560 --> 00:20:26,720
but they don't determine anything,
417
00:20:26,720 --> 00:20:30,040
and, really importantly, the
environment, like within the family
418
00:20:30,040 --> 00:20:33,200
and schools, that's key as well.
419
00:20:33,200 --> 00:20:37,800
So, you'll pass on half of your
genes to your children but that
420
00:20:37,800 --> 00:20:41,640
doesn't mean that they're
necessarily going to have exactly
421
00:20:41,640 --> 00:20:44,600
the same experience of anxiety
as you because they have got
422
00:20:44,600 --> 00:20:46,520
environmental differences, as well.
423
00:20:51,560 --> 00:20:55,560
I've come away feeling quite good
today because there's no-one out
424
00:20:55,560 --> 00:20:59,840
there saying to me that, actually,
I can pass it on to my kids,
425
00:20:59,840 --> 00:21:03,800
but what I am hearing
is that my environment,
426
00:21:03,800 --> 00:21:06,520
the nurture part, is the bit
that I can control
427
00:21:06,520 --> 00:21:08,960
and that's the bit that makes me
happy because, actually,
428
00:21:08,960 --> 00:21:11,960
I'm going to do everything in my
power for my kids not to get it.
429
00:21:13,680 --> 00:21:17,880
It seems to me one of the best ways
to do that is to treat my anxiety
430
00:21:17,880 --> 00:21:20,200
so it stops having such
an impact on our lives.
431
00:21:22,120 --> 00:21:25,840
Today, Paul will be giving me a
diagnosis of exactly what type of
432
00:21:25,840 --> 00:21:29,800
anxiety disorder I have,
before starting my treatment.
433
00:21:31,600 --> 00:21:33,600
In the last session,
434
00:21:33,600 --> 00:21:38,680
what we picked up was, very clearly,
Nadiya has high levels of anxiety.
435
00:21:38,680 --> 00:21:42,160
At the forefront of this is
the occurrence of panic attacks.
436
00:21:42,160 --> 00:21:45,320
In the panic she thinks something
terrible is going to happen,
437
00:21:45,320 --> 00:21:47,120
she's going to faint or die.
438
00:21:47,120 --> 00:21:48,880
I'm keen to focus on that.
439
00:21:52,200 --> 00:21:53,880
I want to know what I have,
440
00:21:53,880 --> 00:21:55,760
but is it as clear cut as that?
441
00:21:55,760 --> 00:21:58,280
So, I think central to it
is anxiety,
442
00:21:58,280 --> 00:22:02,680
and panic attack is the most obvious
manifestation of that,
443
00:22:02,680 --> 00:22:05,760
and that would meet the label
of panic disorder.
444
00:22:05,760 --> 00:22:07,120
So, you've got panic disorder.
445
00:22:07,120 --> 00:22:10,760
And the bit that I'm not sure about
is whether or not you actually have
446
00:22:10,760 --> 00:22:12,600
post-traumatic stress disorder
447
00:22:12,600 --> 00:22:15,680
because some of the things
you described clearly haunt you.
448
00:22:17,240 --> 00:22:21,560
The good news is that panic is just
about the easiest one to treat.
449
00:22:21,560 --> 00:22:24,000
So, you can actually get rid of it?
You can get rid of it.
450
00:22:24,000 --> 00:22:26,000
The research shows
451
00:22:26,000 --> 00:22:28,960
that 80% of people will be
completely free of panic.
452
00:22:28,960 --> 00:22:33,600
So, you're saying that I could not
have panic but I could just be
453
00:22:33,600 --> 00:22:35,120
anxious like any other person?
454
00:22:35,120 --> 00:22:37,800
Be free of panic, yeah. OK.
455
00:22:37,800 --> 00:22:41,760
Now, when you have a panic
attack, what do you do?
456
00:22:41,760 --> 00:22:45,640
Well, I know when I'm breathing
really fast and rapid.
457
00:22:45,640 --> 00:22:47,440
I know that that's not
how I'm supposed to be,
458
00:22:47,440 --> 00:22:49,240
so the first thing I do
is try and control it.
459
00:22:49,240 --> 00:22:51,720
So, in through the nose,
out through the mouth.
460
00:22:51,720 --> 00:22:53,040
Show me how you do that.
461
00:22:56,240 --> 00:22:58,120
What's happening with you...
Keep doing it.
462
00:23:03,560 --> 00:23:05,160
Makes me feel weirdly light-headed.
463
00:23:05,160 --> 00:23:06,680
OK. Keep going.
464
00:23:10,920 --> 00:23:12,080
Keep going.
465
00:23:16,840 --> 00:23:17,920
And...
466
00:23:17,920 --> 00:23:20,280
I feel a bit sick, sorry.
OK, that's fine.
467
00:23:20,280 --> 00:23:21,720
What else is happening to you?
468
00:23:21,720 --> 00:23:23,720
My heart feels like it's racing. OK.
469
00:23:25,360 --> 00:23:26,840
Is this supposed to be helping?
470
00:23:26,840 --> 00:23:28,520
No. No, it's not supposed
to be helping.
471
00:23:28,520 --> 00:23:31,200
I'm just picking up what you said
you normally did in a panic.
472
00:23:32,360 --> 00:23:34,600
This is what I would do
and it's making me feel worse.
473
00:23:34,600 --> 00:23:36,720
It's making you feel worse, OK.
474
00:23:36,720 --> 00:23:39,000
At a time when you felt excited,
let's say when you got married,
475
00:23:39,000 --> 00:23:41,840
remember that feeling of excitement,
that feeling of intense excitement?
476
00:23:41,840 --> 00:23:42,920
Yes.
477
00:23:42,920 --> 00:23:45,840
How does it affect you physically
when you're intensely excited?
478
00:23:45,840 --> 00:23:48,680
Almost quite similar to when
I'm having a panic attack.
479
00:23:48,680 --> 00:23:52,440
Almost or actually physically? Yeah.
480
00:23:52,440 --> 00:23:54,760
I don't feel like I'm dying then.
No, you don't.
481
00:23:54,760 --> 00:23:57,040
What's the difference?
The feelings are the same.
482
00:23:57,040 --> 00:23:59,400
The only thing that's different
is what it means to you.
483
00:23:59,400 --> 00:24:00,520
Yeah, right.
484
00:24:00,520 --> 00:24:03,080
And if you think it means
that you're dying,
485
00:24:03,080 --> 00:24:04,800
hey, guess what? You feel anxious.
486
00:24:04,800 --> 00:24:07,560
If you think it means that this
is the best day of your life,
487
00:24:07,560 --> 00:24:09,440
you're full of joy, yeah?
488
00:24:09,440 --> 00:24:12,720
If that's the case, then
when you have a panic attack...
489
00:24:14,120 --> 00:24:16,960
..if you can be sure that nothing
bad is going to happen
490
00:24:16,960 --> 00:24:19,440
then what would that do
to the anxiety?
491
00:24:19,440 --> 00:24:21,000
I could stop it in its tracks.
492
00:24:21,000 --> 00:24:23,240
Yeah. Well, I think it wouldn't
happen in the first place.
493
00:24:23,240 --> 00:24:25,760
It wouldn't happen or... Yeah.
494
00:24:25,760 --> 00:24:27,800
We'll probably take a break
at this point.
495
00:24:27,800 --> 00:24:29,120
I think we're not quite done
496
00:24:29,120 --> 00:24:31,200
but I think this would be
a good time to take a break.
497
00:24:35,320 --> 00:24:38,080
You know every time I have a panic
attack and you say,
498
00:24:38,080 --> 00:24:41,200
in through the nose, out through the
mouth and we breathe lovely and deep
499
00:24:41,200 --> 00:24:42,960
and deep back out?
500
00:24:42,960 --> 00:24:44,480
You know, that makes it worse.
501
00:24:45,440 --> 00:24:48,880
Why? Because that's like almost,
you're almost feeding it.
502
00:24:48,880 --> 00:24:51,160
And I literally was on the edge.
503
00:24:51,160 --> 00:24:53,160
You know, like when I'm on
the edge of an attack.
504
00:24:54,960 --> 00:24:58,400
One of things I was looking
for is an activity that we could do
505
00:24:58,400 --> 00:25:00,160
to actually confront the fear.
506
00:25:02,680 --> 00:25:05,000
It's not about controlling
breathing.
507
00:25:05,000 --> 00:25:08,320
It's about discovering that
the things she's afraid of...
508
00:25:08,320 --> 00:25:10,520
The fear's unjustified, essentially.
509
00:25:10,520 --> 00:25:12,120
OK, go get the kids. See you later.
510
00:25:12,120 --> 00:25:14,960
So, what I'm keen to do
is to try it again.
511
00:25:14,960 --> 00:25:17,360
Actually now take it to
where she might feel panicky
512
00:25:17,360 --> 00:25:18,720
and confront it.
513
00:25:28,960 --> 00:25:31,200
Building up now? OK.
Do it a bit more.
514
00:25:31,200 --> 00:25:33,240
It's quite predictable,
interestingly,
515
00:25:33,240 --> 00:25:35,800
the same kind of thing going on.
516
00:25:35,800 --> 00:25:38,240
You got the heart going fast yet?
517
00:25:38,240 --> 00:25:39,400
OK.
518
00:25:42,680 --> 00:25:44,200
I don't feel...
519
00:25:44,200 --> 00:25:46,600
Sorry? What's happening now?
520
00:25:46,600 --> 00:25:48,200
Tell me what's
going through your mind.
521
00:25:48,200 --> 00:25:49,600
I don't like that feeling.
522
00:25:49,600 --> 00:25:53,160
Of course, you don't. Nobody likes
that feeling in this context, yeah?
523
00:25:56,400 --> 00:25:59,280
What's going through your mind
apart from not liking the feeling?
524
00:25:59,280 --> 00:26:01,400
I'm just wondering
if it brings back any memories.
525
00:26:02,920 --> 00:26:04,400
It reminds me of that moment when...
526
00:26:07,440 --> 00:26:09,120
It always reminds me
of that moment when...
527
00:26:10,480 --> 00:26:11,800
..I was hiding under the sink.
528
00:26:13,480 --> 00:26:15,480
And, um, my head was flushed
down the toilet.
529
00:26:16,880 --> 00:26:18,840
Because that's how I was breathing.
530
00:26:18,840 --> 00:26:20,720
I'm guessing that when your head's
in the toilet
531
00:26:20,720 --> 00:26:22,920
you can't breathe, as well? No.
532
00:26:22,920 --> 00:26:25,640
I was breathing in a lot of water.
533
00:26:25,640 --> 00:26:26,720
Yeah.
534
00:26:26,720 --> 00:26:29,440
Which, of course,
could have killed you. Yeah.
535
00:26:29,440 --> 00:26:31,320
So, you would feel as if your life
was in danger,
536
00:26:31,320 --> 00:26:32,960
and it's that same feeling. Yeah.
537
00:26:32,960 --> 00:26:35,360
So, although you're not actually
thinking you're going to die,
538
00:26:35,360 --> 00:26:37,920
it's reminding you of a time when
you thought you were going to die.
539
00:26:37,920 --> 00:26:39,280
Yeah. Is that right?
540
00:26:43,160 --> 00:26:47,200
It's really important to remember
that that was then and this is now,
541
00:26:47,200 --> 00:26:51,440
that what happened then is not ever
going to happen to you again. No.
542
00:26:51,440 --> 00:26:54,680
And I think there's a little bit
of an echo of that coming through
543
00:26:54,680 --> 00:26:57,480
in panics, as well, because of
that difficulty breathing.
544
00:26:57,480 --> 00:27:00,440
How's the physical feelings now?
I feel fine. Fine, OK.
545
00:27:05,640 --> 00:27:07,040
I still have that memory
546
00:27:07,040 --> 00:27:08,680
of the water going up my nose
547
00:27:08,680 --> 00:27:11,000
and feeling like if they don't pull
548
00:27:11,000 --> 00:27:13,000
me up now I am going to drown
549
00:27:13,000 --> 00:27:14,400
with my head in this toilet.
550
00:27:16,240 --> 00:27:19,560
Knowing that I'm breathing in water
551
00:27:19,560 --> 00:27:21,560
and urine and all of that...
552
00:27:27,480 --> 00:27:29,880
And they eventually stopped.
553
00:27:31,720 --> 00:27:33,760
And they left me
554
00:27:33,760 --> 00:27:36,720
and I hid under the sink.
555
00:27:38,400 --> 00:27:39,720
And I breathe...
556
00:27:39,720 --> 00:27:42,280
I remember breathing really hard.
557
00:27:42,280 --> 00:27:45,000
And I had a panic attack. That was
my first-ever panic attack.
558
00:27:47,480 --> 00:27:50,200
But that memory's going
to stay with me forever.
559
00:27:51,640 --> 00:27:52,880
If I could erase my memory,
560
00:27:52,880 --> 00:27:55,120
then I would take that one memory
out of my head...
561
00:27:56,160 --> 00:27:59,160
..because that memory
is always there.
562
00:28:05,080 --> 00:28:08,080
It's become evident
that there's two problems.
563
00:28:08,080 --> 00:28:10,960
They're separate but interlinked.
564
00:28:10,960 --> 00:28:13,560
Frequent panic attacks which amount
to panic disorder
565
00:28:13,560 --> 00:28:16,520
but also the bullying trauma.
566
00:28:16,520 --> 00:28:20,560
The idea is, the next session, we'll
actually get control of the panics
567
00:28:20,560 --> 00:28:23,280
so that she can then more
effectively deal with
568
00:28:23,280 --> 00:28:26,680
the traumatic stuff, the flashbacks
and re-experiencing she's got.
569
00:28:32,440 --> 00:28:35,600
If my traumatic experiences
as a child show anything,
570
00:28:35,600 --> 00:28:39,160
it's that we need to deal
with anxiety as early as possible
571
00:28:39,160 --> 00:28:41,560
and government figures back that up.
572
00:28:41,560 --> 00:28:44,920
The biggest rise in anxiety
in recent years is amongst
573
00:28:44,920 --> 00:28:46,400
teenage girls and young women.
574
00:28:47,680 --> 00:28:51,640
Hove Park Secondary in Brighton
is one state school trying to tackle
575
00:28:51,640 --> 00:28:53,040
the issue head on.
576
00:28:53,040 --> 00:28:54,840
Hi, Nadiya. Welcome to Hove Park.
577
00:28:54,840 --> 00:28:56,000
What do I need to do to get in?
578
00:28:56,000 --> 00:28:58,160
If I can just get you to sign in,
thank you.
579
00:28:58,160 --> 00:29:01,960
The school has prioritised mental
health, trying to prevent anxiety
580
00:29:01,960 --> 00:29:03,600
becoming a serious problem,
581
00:29:03,600 --> 00:29:06,080
by encouraging students
to talk openly.
582
00:29:08,040 --> 00:29:11,400
Teachers are trained to spot the
early signs of anxiety and pupils
583
00:29:11,400 --> 00:29:15,200
have access to dedicated
therapy rooms and counsellors.
584
00:29:15,200 --> 00:29:17,680
What kind of stuff makes
you need to come in here?
585
00:29:17,680 --> 00:29:20,360
Well, maybe if I'm getting wound
up about something,
586
00:29:20,360 --> 00:29:23,400
maybe some work might be a bit
hard, I get a bit wound up about it,
587
00:29:23,400 --> 00:29:26,000
then I come up and just chill
and maybe do the work,
588
00:29:26,000 --> 00:29:27,520
go back to the lesson. OK.
589
00:29:27,520 --> 00:29:30,280
Kind of a bit of a safe
space is what we try and say,
590
00:29:30,280 --> 00:29:32,720
that it's somewhere that you can go.
591
00:29:32,720 --> 00:29:36,080
Whatever kind of behaviour
you're feeling at that time
592
00:29:36,080 --> 00:29:39,680
you can get that out and we're not
going to judge you or sanction you.
593
00:29:39,680 --> 00:29:41,760
It's about having
that space to breathe.
594
00:29:41,760 --> 00:29:43,600
That's a great place to be, right?
595
00:29:43,600 --> 00:29:46,360
That you recognise that you need
to come to the hub.
596
00:29:46,360 --> 00:29:48,200
You're like, "Right,
I need a minute, please."
597
00:29:48,200 --> 00:29:50,840
Yeah, and then to come up, chill,
and maybe go back to the lesson
598
00:29:50,840 --> 00:29:52,440
and carry on with what
you were doing.
599
00:29:52,440 --> 00:29:54,560
Does it feel better
when you go back? Yeah.
600
00:29:54,560 --> 00:29:55,840
You're very lucky.
601
00:29:55,840 --> 00:29:58,400
Do you feel lucky?
Yeah, I feel lucky. That's good!
602
00:29:59,640 --> 00:30:03,360
And they are lucky because, outside
of this school, some children
603
00:30:03,360 --> 00:30:05,880
with mental health issues
are waiting over a year
604
00:30:05,880 --> 00:30:07,040
to be treated.
605
00:30:09,240 --> 00:30:12,680
We're going to talk about
this afternoon worry and anxiety
606
00:30:12,680 --> 00:30:13,880
and what happens...
607
00:30:13,880 --> 00:30:17,000
But here, talking about anxiety
and the pressures students face
608
00:30:17,000 --> 00:30:20,080
has become part of everyday
school life.
609
00:30:20,080 --> 00:30:23,240
I've heard the word perfect
quite a lot. Oh, yeah!
610
00:30:23,240 --> 00:30:24,880
Is there a pressure to be perfect?
611
00:30:24,880 --> 00:30:27,640
Everyone's supposed to be
a certain way
612
00:30:27,640 --> 00:30:29,760
and people expect you to be perfect,
basically.
613
00:30:29,760 --> 00:30:33,040
Social media basically impacts
everything to do with us now.
614
00:30:33,040 --> 00:30:36,640
Post a picture, and before you post
a picture you're worried.
615
00:30:36,640 --> 00:30:38,240
what's everyone else
going to think,
616
00:30:38,240 --> 00:30:40,640
what comments am I going to get?
617
00:30:40,640 --> 00:30:42,320
You think about
everyone else's opinions
618
00:30:42,320 --> 00:30:44,280
before you think about your own.
619
00:30:44,280 --> 00:30:48,320
The difference, I think, for you
guys and for us is that growing up
620
00:30:48,320 --> 00:30:52,160
I could just go home
and I didn't have a mobile phone.
621
00:30:52,160 --> 00:30:54,880
But you guys have that added
pressure of,
622
00:30:54,880 --> 00:30:56,720
you can't leave school behind.
623
00:30:56,720 --> 00:30:58,880
How do you find that?
624
00:30:58,880 --> 00:31:01,040
I really wish I was born
in the 1980s.
625
00:31:01,040 --> 00:31:04,440
Oh, yeah, you do.
Yeah, you do. It was a good time.
626
00:31:04,440 --> 00:31:07,800
I talk to my nan about it all the
time and life would just be so much
627
00:31:07,800 --> 00:31:11,480
easier, like, you wouldn't have to
deal with social pressure.
628
00:31:12,760 --> 00:31:14,840
Just people editing pictures
and you're like,
629
00:31:14,840 --> 00:31:16,720
"Oh, she has such clear
skin, I want that.
630
00:31:16,720 --> 00:31:18,560
"Oh, her figure's so
nice, I want that."
631
00:31:18,560 --> 00:31:21,200
Like, you wouldn't
have that pressure.
632
00:31:21,200 --> 00:31:24,480
Listening to you, you should
definitely give yourself more credit
633
00:31:24,480 --> 00:31:27,520
for the stuff that you are having to
kind of bat off and navigate
634
00:31:27,520 --> 00:31:30,160
because like Nadiya said some of
those things weren't around for us,
635
00:31:30,160 --> 00:31:33,320
they just weren't there, so you've
got a whole new set of things
636
00:31:33,320 --> 00:31:34,760
to find your way through
637
00:31:34,760 --> 00:31:36,120
and you're doing an amazing job.
638
00:31:36,120 --> 00:31:37,640
Yeah.
639
00:31:37,640 --> 00:31:40,040
The mental health provision
here is obviously
640
00:31:40,040 --> 00:31:42,040
having a really positive effect.
641
00:31:43,520 --> 00:31:45,800
But headteacher Jim Roberts
has to deliver it
642
00:31:45,800 --> 00:31:47,760
without any additional funding.
643
00:31:48,720 --> 00:31:49,960
We've had to prioritise.
644
00:31:49,960 --> 00:31:52,560
We've had to make tough decisions
about things that we're going
645
00:31:52,560 --> 00:31:54,840
to resource and things that we're
not going to resource.
646
00:31:54,840 --> 00:31:57,680
As a head teacher you decide
where your priorities are.
647
00:31:57,680 --> 00:32:00,400
You decide the culture and ethos
you want in your school
648
00:32:00,400 --> 00:32:04,480
and you have the autonomy
to make that happen,
649
00:32:04,480 --> 00:32:06,080
and that's what
I wanted for this school.
650
00:32:06,080 --> 00:32:08,880
I know that if this service
was available for me
651
00:32:08,880 --> 00:32:11,800
when I was a teenager I can
guarantee that I would have used it
652
00:32:11,800 --> 00:32:13,480
and I know that I would've
said something,
653
00:32:13,480 --> 00:32:16,560
and I know how much it would
have helped me going into adulthood.
654
00:32:16,560 --> 00:32:18,120
You know, this is hope, right? Yeah.
655
00:32:21,320 --> 00:32:23,960
The level of care given
to these pupils means they stand
656
00:32:23,960 --> 00:32:27,400
a better chance of avoiding the kind
of anxiety I've suffered from
657
00:32:27,400 --> 00:32:28,960
since I was at school.
658
00:32:31,400 --> 00:32:34,920
But the experience of being at Hove
Park has also made me realise
659
00:32:34,920 --> 00:32:37,880
how deep rooted my condition is,
660
00:32:37,880 --> 00:32:40,960
so I've decided to investigate
the other recommended treatment -
661
00:32:40,960 --> 00:32:42,360
medication.
662
00:32:43,560 --> 00:32:46,240
But I'm cautious because
I've tried it once before.
663
00:32:47,360 --> 00:32:49,000
When I was 26,
664
00:32:49,000 --> 00:32:53,360
I had my daughter and I went to the
doctors and I was given medication
665
00:32:53,360 --> 00:32:56,480
for depression,
with very little explanation
666
00:32:56,480 --> 00:32:59,680
as to what the medication was for,
667
00:32:59,680 --> 00:33:04,720
how I would feel and, you know,
just what to do going forward.
668
00:33:04,720 --> 00:33:07,560
So, I had the medication for two
weeks and that was it for me.
669
00:33:07,560 --> 00:33:11,840
I just decided that I can't deal
with having no emotions whatsoever.
670
00:33:11,840 --> 00:33:14,960
But, now, now...
671
00:33:14,960 --> 00:33:16,600
..I'm almost considering it.
672
00:33:17,880 --> 00:33:21,360
I've been looking online for other
people's experiences of taking
673
00:33:21,360 --> 00:33:22,800
anxiety medication,
674
00:33:22,800 --> 00:33:26,200
and I found blogger and journalist
Laura Bartley
675
00:33:26,200 --> 00:33:28,840
who also has panic disorder like me.
676
00:33:32,920 --> 00:33:35,520
Laura lives in a rural part
of Wales.
677
00:33:35,520 --> 00:33:40,840
She's been on an NHS waiting list
for CBT therapy for 14 months
678
00:33:40,840 --> 00:33:43,600
and last year she turned
to medication.
679
00:33:43,600 --> 00:33:44,960
What are you on at the moment?
680
00:33:44,960 --> 00:33:48,640
So, that's the...
Oh, that's the serotonin.
681
00:33:48,640 --> 00:33:50,200
Yeah, the SSRI. Ahhh!
682
00:33:51,520 --> 00:33:54,400
There are a number of different
types of medication used to treat
683
00:33:54,400 --> 00:33:57,920
anxiety and the most popular are
the type Laura is now taking,
684
00:33:57,920 --> 00:34:00,400
antidepressants called SSRIs,
685
00:34:00,400 --> 00:34:04,080
or selective serotonin
reuptake inhibitors.
686
00:34:04,080 --> 00:34:08,280
Serotonin, so, that word to me
says happy, right?
687
00:34:08,280 --> 00:34:10,160
Yeah, yeah. Serotonin, chocolate...
688
00:34:10,160 --> 00:34:12,360
When you took the medication
was it as easy as,
689
00:34:12,360 --> 00:34:14,920
"Right, I'm having this medication,
I feel better already"?
690
00:34:14,920 --> 00:34:18,600
No! How did your body take to it
cos mine didn't like it?
691
00:34:18,600 --> 00:34:20,800
No, it was not easy at all.
692
00:34:20,800 --> 00:34:22,520
Everyone reacts to it so differently
693
00:34:22,520 --> 00:34:24,680
and everyone has different
side effects.
694
00:34:24,680 --> 00:34:26,680
What were the side effects?
Horrendous side effects.
695
00:34:26,680 --> 00:34:29,640
For the first two weeks
I felt constantly sick
696
00:34:29,640 --> 00:34:31,520
and my anxiety was just...
697
00:34:32,760 --> 00:34:35,560
..at a level that I haven't
experienced it for a long time,
698
00:34:35,560 --> 00:34:39,200
it was just relentless worrying
from the second I woke up
699
00:34:39,200 --> 00:34:40,840
to the second I went to sleep.
700
00:34:40,840 --> 00:34:42,120
At what point did you think,
701
00:34:42,120 --> 00:34:44,160
"Oh, hold on a second,
I'm not feeling sick any more"?
702
00:34:44,160 --> 00:34:45,800
It was about a month.
703
00:34:45,800 --> 00:34:47,040
Really? Yeah.
704
00:34:47,040 --> 00:34:50,440
Gradually, I was realising
that I wasn't finding things
705
00:34:50,440 --> 00:34:53,480
as difficult as I found them before.
706
00:34:53,480 --> 00:34:56,320
Do you think the medication
was the big turning point for you?
707
00:34:56,320 --> 00:34:57,880
It has been a big turning point.
708
00:34:57,880 --> 00:35:00,280
Nothing seems so extreme any more.
709
00:35:00,280 --> 00:35:02,760
There's no extreme anxiety,
710
00:35:02,760 --> 00:35:04,480
no extreme panics,
711
00:35:04,480 --> 00:35:06,120
but I do still get panic attacks.
712
00:35:06,120 --> 00:35:08,240
I do still get anxiety attacks.
713
00:35:08,240 --> 00:35:10,800
Even whilst being on the pills?
Even whilst on them, yeah.
714
00:35:10,800 --> 00:35:13,480
So I'd say they're definitely not...
715
00:35:13,480 --> 00:35:15,200
It hasn't cured me.
716
00:35:15,200 --> 00:35:16,480
It's not like a fix.
717
00:35:16,480 --> 00:35:18,960
But you found something
that works for you. Yeah.
718
00:35:18,960 --> 00:35:20,160
It wasn't easy.
719
00:35:20,160 --> 00:35:21,720
No, but you're in a better place.
720
00:35:21,720 --> 00:35:23,880
Yeah, definitely,
in a much better place now.
721
00:35:27,040 --> 00:35:30,440
Speaking with Laura has made me
realise that I didn't know enough
722
00:35:30,440 --> 00:35:33,280
to make an informed decision
when I was first prescribed
723
00:35:33,280 --> 00:35:36,040
anti-depressants eight years ago,
724
00:35:36,040 --> 00:35:39,800
so I'm going to see local
psychiatrist Dr Mirza Mohammed
725
00:35:39,800 --> 00:35:43,840
to get some professional advice
about anxiety medication.
726
00:35:43,840 --> 00:35:46,480
Do you know what SSRI means? No.
727
00:35:46,480 --> 00:35:50,320
Basically, what they do is
prevent the breakdown of serotonin
728
00:35:50,320 --> 00:35:53,520
in our brain, which is
a very important neurochemical,
729
00:35:53,520 --> 00:35:57,160
and it is associated with our mood,
our motivation,
730
00:35:57,160 --> 00:35:59,840
our feelings of happiness.
731
00:35:59,840 --> 00:36:02,600
And that's how people tend to sort
of get some improvement
732
00:36:02,600 --> 00:36:03,880
in their symptoms.
733
00:36:03,880 --> 00:36:07,760
I was given medication
for depression when I was 26
734
00:36:07,760 --> 00:36:10,160
and I took it for two weeks and,
actually, without the doctor's
735
00:36:10,160 --> 00:36:12,280
advice I just came off them,
so, I mean...
736
00:36:12,280 --> 00:36:15,400
Did they explain to you that,
you know, those drugs
737
00:36:15,400 --> 00:36:17,760
are also licensed to be used
for anxiety?
738
00:36:17,760 --> 00:36:20,120
Were they explained to me?
No, absolutely not.
739
00:36:20,120 --> 00:36:23,600
A lot of these problems could be
solved if patients had an extra
740
00:36:23,600 --> 00:36:26,960
couple of minutes at their GPs
where they can actually say,
741
00:36:26,960 --> 00:36:29,480
"Oh, this is what I'm worried
about, can I speak about this?"
742
00:36:29,480 --> 00:36:30,680
And the GP had enough time.
743
00:36:30,680 --> 00:36:33,760
Yeah, I think that's where
a lot of resources are required
744
00:36:33,760 --> 00:36:37,320
so that, you know, these things
are better explained,
745
00:36:37,320 --> 00:36:39,320
but it takes time.
746
00:36:39,320 --> 00:36:42,720
Yeah, but, I mean, I think
if a doctor doesn't communicate
747
00:36:42,720 --> 00:36:46,840
what that medication's for, then
a patient certainly isn't going
748
00:36:46,840 --> 00:36:49,720
to be brave enough to ask the
question because when you're in
749
00:36:49,720 --> 00:36:52,560
a situation where you're already
vulnerable, surely that's just
750
00:36:52,560 --> 00:36:54,680
adding to the problem
as opposed to...
751
00:36:54,680 --> 00:36:57,800
Again, I think if I were to go
through each and every side effect
752
00:36:57,800 --> 00:37:01,040
and go through a consent form,
that might take me 15 minutes
753
00:37:01,040 --> 00:37:04,320
in a consultation
rather than five minutes. Yeah.
754
00:37:08,200 --> 00:37:12,440
It's clear medication can play an
important role in managing anxiety
755
00:37:12,440 --> 00:37:16,320
but I'm still looking for a long
term solution and since I'm only
756
00:37:16,320 --> 00:37:21,400
three sessions into my therapy
I want to give CBT a real chance.
757
00:37:21,400 --> 00:37:24,000
PAUL: ..constantly doing things
which kind of holds the monster
758
00:37:24,000 --> 00:37:26,720
at bay kind of thing -
the monster being the panics.
759
00:37:26,720 --> 00:37:30,480
Having identified the root cause
of my anxiety, Paul wants to put
760
00:37:30,480 --> 00:37:32,080
that to one side for now
761
00:37:32,080 --> 00:37:34,600
and concentrate on controlling
my panic attacks.
762
00:37:34,600 --> 00:37:36,600
VOICE ON TAPE: If I don't keep busy
763
00:37:36,600 --> 00:37:40,360
I give it room to bubble over...
764
00:37:40,360 --> 00:37:43,160
He's asked me to listen back
to our previous session
765
00:37:43,160 --> 00:37:46,600
so I can think about the things
I do to control my anxiety.
766
00:37:49,040 --> 00:37:52,200
It's made me realise that plans
and routines dominate every part
767
00:37:52,200 --> 00:37:53,480
of my life.
768
00:37:53,480 --> 00:37:57,600
I mean, even when I do my laundry,
once I've done it everything
769
00:37:57,600 --> 00:38:02,160
is in colour order so I've got
black, white, cream, grey.
770
00:38:02,160 --> 00:38:04,920
Red, orange, yellow, green.
771
00:38:06,400 --> 00:38:07,480
Blue, pink.
772
00:38:09,480 --> 00:38:12,000
There's no other way, but for me
there's something about
773
00:38:12,000 --> 00:38:14,120
having everything in colour order.
774
00:38:14,120 --> 00:38:16,480
It's like the clarity
makes me feel so good.
775
00:38:21,080 --> 00:38:23,400
Even living in Milton Keynes
seems to help.
776
00:38:24,480 --> 00:38:25,720
I like structure.
777
00:38:25,720 --> 00:38:29,160
I like routine and
Milton Keynes suits my life.
778
00:38:29,160 --> 00:38:30,520
It suits the way I live.
779
00:38:30,520 --> 00:38:33,160
It kind of gives me that structure,
that order, A to B.
780
00:38:36,000 --> 00:38:40,040
If you look at Milton Keynes
as a whole it's like a grid system,
781
00:38:40,040 --> 00:38:43,240
and there's something
very satisfying about those grids.
782
00:38:43,240 --> 00:38:45,440
There's no curly whirly
lines anywhere.
783
00:38:45,440 --> 00:38:48,800
It just suits me because I know
exactly where I'm going
784
00:38:48,800 --> 00:38:51,040
from point A to point B,
785
00:38:51,040 --> 00:38:52,920
and everything takes nine minutes
786
00:38:52,920 --> 00:38:55,520
and I love roundabouts.
787
00:38:55,520 --> 00:38:57,800
I think they're great.
There's no traffic anywhere ever.
788
00:39:01,640 --> 00:39:05,240
PAUL: Nadiya's constantly trying
to keep her anxiety in check
789
00:39:05,240 --> 00:39:07,520
by obsessively following routines,
790
00:39:07,520 --> 00:39:10,360
trying to keep herself occupied
at all times.
791
00:39:10,360 --> 00:39:13,560
We'll be exploring today
how these safety seeking behaviours
792
00:39:13,560 --> 00:39:17,000
can actually keep the anxiety
going even though it appears
793
00:39:17,000 --> 00:39:18,320
that they're keeping it down.
794
00:39:20,720 --> 00:39:22,320
I'm feeling quite anxious today.
795
00:39:22,320 --> 00:39:24,200
I just don't know what...
796
00:39:24,200 --> 00:39:26,080
I don't know what to expect
from each session.
797
00:39:27,640 --> 00:39:30,000
I like plans, I like to know exactly
what's happening.
798
00:39:30,000 --> 00:39:32,840
It's the first time I'm doing
anything where I don't have a plan.
799
00:39:32,840 --> 00:39:34,720
It's just kind of like,
this is what we're doing,
800
00:39:34,720 --> 00:39:36,880
and that's scary for me.
801
00:39:36,880 --> 00:39:40,440
I'm really, really keen to try and
get you to introduce an element
802
00:39:40,440 --> 00:39:42,320
of randomness in your life. OK.
803
00:39:42,320 --> 00:39:44,880
I'm not saying, "Nadiya,
stop planning things."
804
00:39:44,880 --> 00:39:46,320
What I'm saying is,
805
00:39:46,320 --> 00:39:49,160
"Nadiya, stop planning everything
to within an inch of its life."
806
00:39:49,160 --> 00:39:50,800
I can but I'm scared that I can't.
807
00:39:50,800 --> 00:39:53,360
OK, but what I'm saying is,
this is all part of the control,
808
00:39:53,360 --> 00:39:55,120
"makes me feel less anxious,"
809
00:39:55,120 --> 00:39:58,040
whereas, in fact,
I think it's controlling you.
810
00:39:58,040 --> 00:40:01,200
Your anxiety bullies you into,
you must do it in that way,
811
00:40:01,200 --> 00:40:02,840
you've always got to know
where you are,
812
00:40:02,840 --> 00:40:05,400
you've always got to know
what's happening next and so on.
813
00:40:05,400 --> 00:40:06,560
"You've got to do that,
814
00:40:06,560 --> 00:40:08,480
and if you don't do that
then I'm going to get you."
815
00:40:08,480 --> 00:40:09,880
Yeah, it's the voice in my head.
816
00:40:09,880 --> 00:40:12,840
OK, so, if you wanted to deal
with the panic
817
00:40:12,840 --> 00:40:14,040
what might you need to do?
818
00:40:15,560 --> 00:40:16,880
Face a panic attack.
819
00:40:16,880 --> 00:40:20,560
Strangely enough I've come
to the same conclusion. Yeah.
820
00:40:20,560 --> 00:40:24,120
I was thinking that we should
go looking for situations
821
00:40:24,120 --> 00:40:26,280
which maybe make you feel panicky.
822
00:40:26,280 --> 00:40:27,440
Can you think of a situation,
823
00:40:27,440 --> 00:40:29,120
"Oh, I'll do anything,
but I can't do that"?
824
00:40:29,120 --> 00:40:31,640
When I have to get on a train
that's quite frightening.
825
00:40:31,640 --> 00:40:32,880
That's quite scary.
826
00:40:32,880 --> 00:40:36,600
Just the thought of going on a train
on my own makes me feel sick.
827
00:40:36,600 --> 00:40:39,240
OK, so now we're going to go
and be impulsive on the train.
828
00:40:40,520 --> 00:40:41,640
We're not, are we? Mm-hm.
829
00:40:42,840 --> 00:40:44,120
Are we actually going on a train?
830
00:40:44,120 --> 00:40:46,600
Yes, that was the idea.
What, now? Yeah, yeah.
831
00:40:46,600 --> 00:40:47,880
That was the idea.
832
00:40:47,880 --> 00:40:53,520
I'm wanting you to try to get the
panic going so we can flatten it.
833
00:40:53,520 --> 00:40:54,640
OK.
834
00:40:56,320 --> 00:40:57,920
Are we really going to go
to London now?
835
00:40:57,920 --> 00:41:00,040
That's the third time
you've asked me that!
836
00:41:00,040 --> 00:41:02,160
OK, fine, I guess we're
going to London, then.
837
00:41:04,760 --> 00:41:06,200
I hope he's got a plan...
838
00:41:08,160 --> 00:41:10,720
..cos I don't. Does he know
where we're going?
839
00:41:12,680 --> 00:41:15,040
OK, well,
you obviously don't know...
840
00:41:15,040 --> 00:41:16,960
..either. Doesn't matter.
841
00:41:16,960 --> 00:41:18,760
Are you good with plans?
842
00:41:18,760 --> 00:41:20,600
Do you need plans?
843
00:41:20,600 --> 00:41:22,280
Yes, I like plans...
844
00:41:22,280 --> 00:41:24,040
So you're getting anxious, too?
Yes. OK.
845
00:41:27,880 --> 00:41:29,200
My heart's racing a little bit.
846
00:41:29,200 --> 00:41:30,600
What is it you're worried about?
847
00:41:30,600 --> 00:41:33,080
I don't like not knowing
where I'm going.
848
00:41:33,080 --> 00:41:35,680
So if you could just let that
happen, let your heart pound. OK.
849
00:41:36,680 --> 00:41:38,760
I mean, this is really important.
850
00:41:38,760 --> 00:41:41,960
You need to be able discover
that either something happens
851
00:41:41,960 --> 00:41:43,080
or nothing happens.
852
00:41:43,080 --> 00:41:46,240
Nothing will happen but it's all
very well for me to say that,
853
00:41:46,240 --> 00:41:48,560
it's you that needs
to discover that.
854
00:41:48,560 --> 00:41:50,880
OK. We can cross over.
855
00:41:50,880 --> 00:41:54,600
Just having that voice in your head
telling you that you're not
856
00:41:54,600 --> 00:41:57,520
good enough and that you can't do
this and remember you're going
857
00:41:57,520 --> 00:42:00,440
to have a panic attack
and everyone's going to see
858
00:42:00,440 --> 00:42:02,960
and everyone's going to know
that you're weak
859
00:42:02,960 --> 00:42:04,920
and everyone's going to know
that you're sick.
860
00:42:07,400 --> 00:42:09,720
Those are the voices in my head.
861
00:42:16,280 --> 00:42:17,400
So where are we going?
862
00:42:18,960 --> 00:42:20,480
London Paddington.
863
00:42:20,480 --> 00:42:22,320
Ah-ha! Delayed. The train's delayed.
864
00:42:22,320 --> 00:42:24,320
This is why I don't like not
planning things.
865
00:42:25,880 --> 00:42:29,120
Lots of what we do in treatment
and a lot of what she needs do
866
00:42:29,120 --> 00:42:32,480
is to discover how the world
really works as opposed
867
00:42:32,480 --> 00:42:36,320
to how she fears it might work,
what she fears might happen.
868
00:42:38,160 --> 00:42:41,480
What we're seeing is the whole range
of safety-seeking behaviours,
869
00:42:41,480 --> 00:42:44,160
so she, for example, is avoiding
looking at other people,
870
00:42:44,160 --> 00:42:46,080
looking at her feet.
871
00:42:46,080 --> 00:42:48,200
She's doing a whole range
of things which are designed
872
00:42:48,200 --> 00:42:51,840
to stop her from panicking, to keep
the anxiety at bay and so on,
873
00:42:51,840 --> 00:42:54,480
but which are actually making it
worse.
874
00:42:58,760 --> 00:43:02,280
The hope is to get her not to do
those things and then see
875
00:43:02,280 --> 00:43:05,840
that her anxiety will actually
begin to diminish.
876
00:43:05,840 --> 00:43:07,840
But the closer I get to the train,
877
00:43:07,840 --> 00:43:10,600
the more I feel the panic
rising inside me.
878
00:43:13,800 --> 00:43:14,920
OK.
879
00:43:17,040 --> 00:43:19,480
I'm really tense. My mouth feels
really tense.
880
00:43:19,480 --> 00:43:23,080
OK, well, relax.
It's OK to be tense,
881
00:43:23,080 --> 00:43:25,240
but, you know, it's unnecessary.
Yeah, yeah.
882
00:43:25,240 --> 00:43:29,000
It seems unnecessary, like the
looking down is unnecessary.
883
00:43:29,000 --> 00:43:31,080
It's almost like you're repeatedly
telling yourself,
884
00:43:31,080 --> 00:43:33,120
"I'm an anxious person," you know?
Yeah.
885
00:43:33,120 --> 00:43:36,200
And do you know what? You
absolutely don't have to be. No.
886
00:43:36,200 --> 00:43:39,120
And so some of it is about deciding
you're just not going to give in
887
00:43:39,120 --> 00:43:42,840
to the anxiety, look down,
do this, do that.
888
00:43:42,840 --> 00:43:46,320
It's taking all of my strength
to keep my head up.
889
00:43:59,320 --> 00:44:00,480
Yeah? Yep.
890
00:44:01,720 --> 00:44:03,440
I'm OK. Thank you.
891
00:44:08,800 --> 00:44:11,760
It's all right. It's not as bad
as I thought it was going to be.
892
00:44:11,760 --> 00:44:12,800
It never is. No, no.
893
00:44:28,880 --> 00:44:31,880
Here you are, heading to London,
and?
894
00:44:31,880 --> 00:44:34,320
It's not as scary as I thought it
was going to be. Is it scary at all?
895
00:44:34,320 --> 00:44:35,600
No? No.
896
00:44:35,600 --> 00:44:38,720
At the moment - this moment - I
don't think it is scary. It's not
scary.
897
00:44:38,720 --> 00:44:41,520
And, you know, if you were
to panic now, if you were
898
00:44:41,520 --> 00:44:43,560
to have a panic attack, what then?
899
00:44:45,760 --> 00:44:47,920
It would go away. It would go away.
It would go away.
900
00:44:47,920 --> 00:44:50,040
You don't need to... This is me
saying,
901
00:44:50,040 --> 00:44:53,280
when it happens, I'm not
going to force it to go away.
902
00:44:53,280 --> 00:44:54,440
It will just go away.
903
00:44:54,440 --> 00:44:57,480
It will just go away because there's
nothing to be afraid of.
904
00:45:10,600 --> 00:45:11,840
This is unfamiliar for me.
905
00:45:11,840 --> 00:45:12,960
This is not something I do.
906
00:45:12,960 --> 00:45:15,800
I was not expecting
to be here today and here I am!
907
00:45:15,800 --> 00:45:19,880
You know for sure you could do it.
Now I know I can. Yeah, yeah.
908
00:45:19,880 --> 00:45:22,880
I mean, we've still got a bit of
work to do. Yeah.
909
00:45:22,880 --> 00:45:26,200
Guys, let me show you.
Look - I came to Trafalgar Square!
910
00:45:28,560 --> 00:45:29,640
Woohoo! Yeah.
911
00:45:30,880 --> 00:45:33,680
And look - I'm not dead! No.
I'm not dead or anything!
912
00:45:33,680 --> 00:45:36,520
Yay! Woohoo!
913
00:45:36,520 --> 00:45:38,800
Today has been life-changing.
914
00:45:38,800 --> 00:45:41,920
I've done things I never
thought possible and I'm starting
915
00:45:41,920 --> 00:45:45,320
to realise just how valuable
this treatment is,
916
00:45:45,320 --> 00:45:48,520
but I'm also aware I'm incredibly
lucky because there
917
00:45:48,520 --> 00:45:51,400
are lots of sufferers
who are undiagnosed or not
918
00:45:51,400 --> 00:45:53,360
getting professional treatment.
919
00:45:53,360 --> 00:45:55,880
What if I can't do it or get a,
like, cold sweat?
920
00:45:55,880 --> 00:45:57,160
Right, OK.
921
00:45:57,160 --> 00:46:00,040
So what I would say to you is
you're going to have to expect
922
00:46:00,040 --> 00:46:01,720
that the anxiety is going to
manifest,
923
00:46:01,720 --> 00:46:03,960
but the difference is, as you've
been learning...
924
00:46:03,960 --> 00:46:06,520
I've been looking online
at what else is out there
925
00:46:06,520 --> 00:46:07,800
for anxiety sufferers.
926
00:46:07,800 --> 00:46:11,000
Oh, gosh. What am I doing?!
927
00:46:11,000 --> 00:46:12,760
What you're doing is great.
928
00:46:13,920 --> 00:46:15,360
I mean, it's definitely...
929
00:46:15,360 --> 00:46:17,280
I've come away from the NHS website
a little bit
930
00:46:17,280 --> 00:46:21,320
and there's lots of stuff online,
these self-help groups, and there's
931
00:46:21,320 --> 00:46:24,280
this thing I've come across,
run by this guy called Barry,
932
00:46:24,280 --> 00:46:28,480
and it's like this community
933
00:46:28,480 --> 00:46:32,960
of people who... Like a livestream
thing where you can go off
934
00:46:32,960 --> 00:46:36,560
and you can do something and kind of
push yourself,
935
00:46:36,560 --> 00:46:40,400
but you've always constantly got a
community of people who, erm...
936
00:46:40,400 --> 00:46:43,120
..who talk to you and encourage you.
937
00:46:43,120 --> 00:46:46,120
See, I'm getting, like, flashes of
panic.
938
00:46:46,120 --> 00:46:49,200
I'm scared. I don't know
where to go or what to do.
939
00:46:49,200 --> 00:46:50,680
You're actually OK.
940
00:46:50,680 --> 00:46:52,760
You didn't die, you didn't pass out.
941
00:46:52,760 --> 00:46:56,280
None of those horrible things
you thought would happen happened,
942
00:46:56,280 --> 00:46:58,200
and you're proving that
to yourself right now
943
00:46:58,200 --> 00:47:00,960
by standing there in the shop.
944
00:47:00,960 --> 00:47:05,400
Barry, a former anxiety sufferer,
is one of a number of people running
945
00:47:05,400 --> 00:47:10,280
online self-help groups offering
an alternative to NHS therapy
946
00:47:10,280 --> 00:47:11,320
for a price.
947
00:47:12,760 --> 00:47:13,920
Are you trained in any way?
948
00:47:13,920 --> 00:47:15,920
All of the... Everything I write and
everything
949
00:47:15,920 --> 00:47:18,520
comes from my own personal
experience so it's very much
950
00:47:18,520 --> 00:47:21,920
about my personal experience
of how I overcame my anxiety
951
00:47:21,920 --> 00:47:24,360
and then I'm connecting
people with other people
952
00:47:24,360 --> 00:47:27,400
who are using that same approach
trying to build up this peer-to-peer
953
00:47:27,400 --> 00:47:31,000
environment where people with
anxiety can connect with each other,
954
00:47:31,000 --> 00:47:34,200
working together and supporting
and inspiring each other.
955
00:47:34,200 --> 00:47:37,440
I mean, how many subscribers,
how big is your community?
956
00:47:37,440 --> 00:47:40,200
We have about a quarter of a million
people who we communicate to
957
00:47:40,200 --> 00:47:43,280
over social media
and through our e-mails,
958
00:47:43,280 --> 00:47:44,960
and it's growing all the time.
959
00:47:44,960 --> 00:47:47,640
As I said earlier, anxiety
is this problem
960
00:47:47,640 --> 00:47:49,760
and people
are becoming more aware of it,
961
00:47:49,760 --> 00:47:51,880
so they're searching out
solutions online.
962
00:47:51,880 --> 00:47:53,520
I mean, I know that there's a
struggle.
963
00:47:53,520 --> 00:47:56,160
It's not that easy to get
access to CBT.
964
00:47:56,160 --> 00:47:57,600
Why do you think people are...
965
00:47:57,600 --> 00:48:01,200
Why do you think people are turning
to this form of therapy, I suppose?
966
00:48:01,200 --> 00:48:03,600
There's still the stigma
of going to a therapist
967
00:48:03,600 --> 00:48:04,720
and having that help.
968
00:48:04,720 --> 00:48:06,280
People are afraid of doing that
969
00:48:06,280 --> 00:48:08,960
and there's also, some people
are afraid to talk to their doctor
970
00:48:08,960 --> 00:48:12,320
about it, even, so going online,
doing some research,
971
00:48:12,320 --> 00:48:16,000
finding these communities
is a great way or great introduction
972
00:48:16,000 --> 00:48:17,400
for people into that world.
973
00:48:19,480 --> 00:48:21,640
Whilst I'm unsure if
online communities
974
00:48:21,640 --> 00:48:24,920
like this are as beneficial
as NHS therapy,
975
00:48:24,920 --> 00:48:27,360
what is valuable
is that they encourage people
976
00:48:27,360 --> 00:48:30,760
to open up and realise
that they are not alone.
977
00:48:33,280 --> 00:48:37,000
I always talk about how important
it is to share and to talk
978
00:48:37,000 --> 00:48:38,760
and that is part of the healing.
979
00:48:38,760 --> 00:48:40,520
I hope that people see that,
actually,
980
00:48:40,520 --> 00:48:42,000
it's not that scary and, you know,
981
00:48:42,000 --> 00:48:44,920
who knows - even if just one person
picks up the phone to their GP
982
00:48:44,920 --> 00:48:47,160
and says, "Do you know what?
983
00:48:47,160 --> 00:48:50,120
"I'm going to call my GP because
if average Nadiya can do that,
984
00:48:50,120 --> 00:48:51,520
"then so can I."
985
00:48:58,000 --> 00:49:01,320
It's been seven days since I caught
the train to London with Paul...
986
00:49:03,040 --> 00:49:06,040
..and, despite how well the
treatment has been going,
987
00:49:06,040 --> 00:49:08,720
now I'm back at home
without him to help me,
988
00:49:08,720 --> 00:49:11,040
my anxiety is taking hold again.
989
00:49:15,800 --> 00:49:19,440
It's one of those things
where I think the doctor
990
00:49:19,440 --> 00:49:22,800
asked her to just all of a sudden go
to London by herself,
991
00:49:22,800 --> 00:49:23,960
the underground.
992
00:49:23,960 --> 00:49:26,240
She did it. She called us.
We were really proud of her,
993
00:49:26,240 --> 00:49:29,120
so, you know, it was, like, a really
good moment. High moment.
994
00:49:30,520 --> 00:49:32,840
And then literally a day or two
later, something else -
995
00:49:32,840 --> 00:49:36,680
life threw another problem
and she couldn't cope with it,
996
00:49:36,680 --> 00:49:41,280
and I think that really dropped
her from a high to a very low.
997
00:49:41,280 --> 00:49:45,280
She was crying in a corner at one
point and then she would not,
998
00:49:45,280 --> 00:49:51,040
kind of, get herself up and I
think she feels quite dejected now,
999
00:49:51,040 --> 00:49:54,920
as in, "It's not going to work,
I'm not going to find the cure,"
1000
00:49:54,920 --> 00:49:56,520
because she felt so good
1001
00:49:56,520 --> 00:49:58,800
and then literally a day or two
later she felt really bad
1002
00:49:58,800 --> 00:50:01,880
and I think that's really
worrying her.
1003
00:50:05,320 --> 00:50:06,680
What can I do?
1004
00:50:06,680 --> 00:50:11,160
If you think about it, what do I...
I'm just there, isn't it?
1005
00:50:11,160 --> 00:50:14,840
But, as an aide to you, I don't know
how to help you.
1006
00:50:16,560 --> 00:50:18,920
That's, you know, I don't know
how to help me either.
1007
00:50:18,920 --> 00:50:22,000
Cos sometimes I've seen you, rather
than facing the problem,
1008
00:50:22,000 --> 00:50:25,680
you'll cook for two weeks ahead.
Yeah.
1009
00:50:25,680 --> 00:50:28,400
You clean everything that's
available to clean.
1010
00:50:28,400 --> 00:50:31,400
You'll iron everything.
Reorganise every drawer. Everything.
1011
00:50:31,400 --> 00:50:34,960
And I'm always...I'm always coming
to and saying, "Can I do that?"
1012
00:50:34,960 --> 00:50:38,400
But those things help me
to be distracted
1013
00:50:38,400 --> 00:50:42,440
and they help me to... OK. ..kind of
function as normally as possible.
1014
00:50:42,440 --> 00:50:44,080
You're kind of hiding from it.
1015
00:50:44,080 --> 00:50:47,280
Yeah. I think maybe you need to let
go of control.
1016
00:50:47,280 --> 00:50:51,560
Not letting me just do it,
but just accepting the consequences
1017
00:50:51,560 --> 00:50:53,200
of letting me do it!
1018
00:50:53,200 --> 00:50:57,400
Like that time I accidentally burnt
your top with the iron!
1019
00:50:57,400 --> 00:51:00,200
Well, why are you so bad at
everything?! I'm not!
1020
00:51:00,200 --> 00:51:02,280
You just are! You're just a
perfectionist.
1021
00:51:02,280 --> 00:51:03,720
No, you're so bad at everything!
1022
00:51:03,720 --> 00:51:06,040
You're, like, bad at cooking,
you're bad ironing...
1023
00:51:06,040 --> 00:51:07,960
I'm not that bad at ironing.
1024
00:51:07,960 --> 00:51:09,840
What do you want to do?
Do you want make lunch?
1025
00:51:09,840 --> 00:51:11,080
You could make an omelette.
1026
00:51:11,080 --> 00:51:13,440
I'm not going to tell you...
Oh, my God, see? I did it! Yeah.
1027
00:51:13,440 --> 00:51:15,280
Wow. I'm not going to say anything.
1028
00:51:15,280 --> 00:51:18,600
OK, go! Do whatever you want.
All right. I'm doing it. Yeah?
1029
00:51:18,600 --> 00:51:21,400
I have never sat here and watched
you do anything there.
1030
00:51:21,400 --> 00:51:23,520
Go for it! This is your time now.
1031
00:51:23,520 --> 00:51:25,840
Oh, Lord.
This is going to be painful.
1032
00:51:27,880 --> 00:51:29,840
Where's the knife, Nadiya?
1033
00:51:29,840 --> 00:51:31,600
I'm joking!
1034
00:51:29,840 --> 00:51:31,600
HE LAUGHS
1035
00:51:31,600 --> 00:51:33,080
There's a salmon pie here.
1036
00:51:33,080 --> 00:51:36,680
You can't, that's ready-made.
You can't even touch that.
1037
00:51:36,680 --> 00:51:38,560
Oh! Oh!
1038
00:51:39,760 --> 00:51:43,040
Sometimes when you're going away
on a weekend job,
1039
00:51:43,040 --> 00:51:47,400
you'll spend Thursday or Friday
cooking five meals.
1040
00:51:47,400 --> 00:51:50,160
What would happen if you didn't?
I've never done that before.
1041
00:51:50,160 --> 00:51:53,400
No, but it would be OK, wouldn't it?
We'd work it out, me and the kids.
1042
00:51:53,400 --> 00:51:54,520
What would you feed 'em?
1043
00:51:54,520 --> 00:51:57,000
I don't need to tell you.
I'm their dad.
1044
00:51:57,000 --> 00:51:58,560
No, isn't it?
1045
00:51:58,560 --> 00:52:02,000
You need to let go of that control,
whereas I won't...
1046
00:52:02,000 --> 00:52:04,800
Out of curiosity, what would you...
I won't even tell you what we eat.
1047
00:52:04,800 --> 00:52:07,280
Out of curiosity, what would you
feed them? No! I don't know.
1048
00:52:07,280 --> 00:52:08,320
I'll work it out.
1049
00:52:10,560 --> 00:52:12,280
This is going to be difficult
for you.
1050
00:52:12,280 --> 00:52:14,440
I better taste it quick myself and
then I know.
1051
00:52:17,320 --> 00:52:18,560
SHE MUMBLES
1052
00:52:18,560 --> 00:52:20,760
Can I have that little corner?
Cos I can see a chilli.
1053
00:52:20,760 --> 00:52:21,800
You want that chilli?
1054
00:52:21,800 --> 00:52:24,760
I want that chilli corner.
Look, there's a chilli there.
1055
00:52:24,760 --> 00:52:28,240
Even with Abdal's support,
I can see that getting better
1056
00:52:28,240 --> 00:52:32,400
is going to be hard and I'm starting
to wonder if therapy
1057
00:52:32,400 --> 00:52:34,680
really is the answer.
1058
00:52:34,680 --> 00:52:39,000
I've had these sessions
with Paul and he's teaching me
1059
00:52:39,000 --> 00:52:43,240
how to manage my panic attacks or at
least understand my panic attacks
1060
00:52:43,240 --> 00:52:44,840
at the moment...
1061
00:52:46,040 --> 00:52:50,400
..but over the last two days, the
way I've felt, I have questioned
1062
00:52:50,400 --> 00:52:54,000
the CBT. I have stepped back and
thought, is this even working?
1063
00:52:54,000 --> 00:52:56,600
Because what I wanted was a cure.
What I wanted was somebody to say,
1064
00:52:56,600 --> 00:53:00,000
"Right, that's it, it's gone now and
you're never going to have it ever
again." Erm...
1065
00:53:01,480 --> 00:53:04,160
But... I mean, he could be wrong.
1066
00:53:04,160 --> 00:53:07,000
He could be wrong. At the moment,
I'm feeling like he might not...
1067
00:53:07,000 --> 00:53:10,240
He might be wrong. At the moment,
I'm feeling like I'm not going to...
1068
00:53:10,240 --> 00:53:12,360
It's not going to go away.
1069
00:53:12,360 --> 00:53:14,320
I don't know where I am
at the moment.
1070
00:53:14,320 --> 00:53:16,360
I feel stuck in the
middle somewhere.
1071
00:53:16,360 --> 00:53:19,560
I've met people who have said,
"Well you have panic disorder
1072
00:53:19,560 --> 00:53:21,880
"and this is kind of something
that you live with and you learn
1073
00:53:21,880 --> 00:53:24,080
"to manage it, but you live
with it for the rest of your life
1074
00:53:24,080 --> 00:53:25,560
"and that's it."
1075
00:53:25,560 --> 00:53:28,120
No. And I don't want to...
And you don't agree.
1076
00:53:28,120 --> 00:53:29,440
No, more than that. Yes.
1077
00:53:29,440 --> 00:53:33,000
I mean, not only not agree,
I've seen it not be true.
1078
00:53:33,000 --> 00:53:36,840
80% of people who have been
the appropriate therapy
1079
00:53:36,840 --> 00:53:39,280
are panic-free. I mean, that
panic-free...
1080
00:53:39,280 --> 00:53:42,840
You say 80%. I could be that 20%
where I still have to...
1081
00:53:42,840 --> 00:53:45,920
Yes, except you're not because of
what you've already managed to do.
1082
00:53:45,920 --> 00:53:48,000
I suppose my frustration
over the last few days
1083
00:53:48,000 --> 00:53:51,240
has been that I want this...
I want this instant fix.
1084
00:53:51,240 --> 00:53:52,440
And I know that...
1085
00:53:52,440 --> 00:53:54,240
Fix of what, though? Cos, I mean,
1086
00:53:54,240 --> 00:53:56,480
there's multiple things going on
here.
1087
00:53:56,480 --> 00:54:00,000
You know, what I've been focusing
on is the panic bit
1088
00:54:00,000 --> 00:54:03,560
cos that's what brought you through
the door, kind of thing, all right?
1089
00:54:03,560 --> 00:54:05,440
It's also this trauma issue.
1090
00:54:06,680 --> 00:54:09,280
That's something that you'll be
working on
1091
00:54:09,280 --> 00:54:10,560
for the rest of your life.
1092
00:54:10,560 --> 00:54:15,080
That, for me, was the thing that
made me realise that this isn't
1093
00:54:15,080 --> 00:54:17,560
going to be easy and that this...
1094
00:54:17,560 --> 00:54:19,280
Oh, it was never going to be easy,
1095
00:54:19,280 --> 00:54:23,160
but it's still like being really
clear about what you need to do.
1096
00:54:23,160 --> 00:54:26,320
CBT is not me doing things to you.
1097
00:54:26,320 --> 00:54:29,800
It's we talk, you take something
from that, and then you apply it...
1098
00:54:29,800 --> 00:54:31,760
Yeah. ..and if it works, you stick
with it
1099
00:54:31,760 --> 00:54:34,640
and if it doesn't work, we'll work
out what needs to be done.
1100
00:54:34,640 --> 00:54:38,840
But it's about self-help, it's about
actually you taking control
1101
00:54:38,840 --> 00:54:43,600
and what I've seen is that
you have begun the process
1102
00:54:43,600 --> 00:54:44,920
of taking control.
1103
00:54:47,160 --> 00:54:51,160
If the success of the treatment is
ultimately about helping yourself,
1104
00:54:51,160 --> 00:54:55,600
then I need to start trying
things on my own without Paul,
1105
00:54:55,600 --> 00:55:00,280
facing my fears to overcome them
like I did on the train to London,
1106
00:55:00,280 --> 00:55:04,120
so where better to start than in
front of an audience of 2,000
1107
00:55:04,120 --> 00:55:05,960
at the NEC in Birmingham?
1108
00:55:08,280 --> 00:55:11,760
In the past, I've managed to cope
with these big cooking shows by not
1109
00:55:11,760 --> 00:55:13,440
wearing my glasses.
1110
00:55:13,440 --> 00:55:16,680
My fear has always been if I can see
the audience,
1111
00:55:16,680 --> 00:55:18,600
I'll have a panic attack.
1112
00:55:18,600 --> 00:55:21,840
Today I'm doing something
that breaks that pattern,
1113
00:55:21,840 --> 00:55:24,120
and the pattern for me was to not
wear my glasses,
1114
00:55:24,120 --> 00:55:26,080
and today I'm breaking that pattern
and saying,
1115
00:55:26,080 --> 00:55:27,720
"I'm going to wear my glasses,"
1116
00:55:27,720 --> 00:55:30,880
so that, for me... That in itself
is a massive challenge for me.
1117
00:55:33,200 --> 00:55:35,760
MUSIC PLAYS,
ANNOUNCER SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY
1118
00:55:35,760 --> 00:55:37,480
CHEERING
1119
00:55:39,720 --> 00:55:42,360
I can't see their faces, but I know
as soon as I put my glasses on...
1120
00:55:42,360 --> 00:55:43,800
SHE GASPS
1121
00:55:43,800 --> 00:55:46,680
OK. It'll be fine.
I can do it. Just glasses.
1122
00:55:46,680 --> 00:55:49,840
Just people, just faces,
it'll be fine.
1123
00:55:49,840 --> 00:55:51,240
SHE CLEARS HER THROAT
1124
00:55:51,240 --> 00:55:52,600
It's making me anxious.
1125
00:55:52,600 --> 00:55:54,480
SHE CLEARS HER THROAT
It's fine.
1126
00:55:56,640 --> 00:55:59,400
In front of your very eyes,
please put your hands together,
1127
00:55:59,400 --> 00:56:02,280
massive round of applause for
Nadiya Hussain!
1128
00:56:02,280 --> 00:56:05,080
MUSIC AND CHEERING
1129
00:56:06,560 --> 00:56:09,000
Hello! How are you?
1130
00:56:09,000 --> 00:56:10,720
Thank you. Lovely to see you.
1131
00:56:12,720 --> 00:56:14,280
Look at these people here!
1132
00:56:14,280 --> 00:56:17,040
Lots of people! For you. And me.
1133
00:56:17,040 --> 00:56:19,880
One of the things that I just kind
of wanted to say
1134
00:56:19,880 --> 00:56:23,640
before I started cooking, I'm doing
a documentary about mental health
1135
00:56:23,640 --> 00:56:25,720
and I suffer with mental health
issues,
1136
00:56:25,720 --> 00:56:28,040
which I've been really open
and honest about.
1137
00:56:29,600 --> 00:56:33,200
I've recently learned that there's
certain things that I do
1138
00:56:33,200 --> 00:56:35,520
that I call
safety-seeking behaviours
1139
00:56:35,520 --> 00:56:37,160
and I do them to protect myself.
1140
00:56:37,160 --> 00:56:39,400
One of the things that I do
is I don't ever wear my glasses
1141
00:56:39,400 --> 00:56:41,720
because then I can pretend
like nobody's here.
1142
00:56:41,720 --> 00:56:43,000
LAUGHTER
1143
00:56:43,000 --> 00:56:45,160
So today, for the first time,
I'm going to break that sequence
1144
00:56:45,160 --> 00:56:46,680
and I'm going to wear my glasses.
1145
00:56:46,680 --> 00:56:47,720
Boom!
1146
00:56:49,800 --> 00:56:52,640
You're going to see me! Look at me!
Woohoo! I'm here! Woo!
1147
00:56:54,280 --> 00:56:56,800
I can see everyone! Oh, my God!
1148
00:56:56,800 --> 00:56:59,320
Look, I can see all your faces!
1149
00:56:59,320 --> 00:57:02,880
Ooh... That's hard.
You guys are good-looking people.
1150
00:57:02,880 --> 00:57:05,640
Let's just crack on. I think we
should just cook. Indeed. Yeah.
1151
00:57:05,640 --> 00:57:07,240
What are you going to be
cooking for us?
1152
00:57:07,240 --> 00:57:08,960
Cos I know you've got a couple of
dishes.
1153
00:57:08,960 --> 00:57:12,680
VOICE-OVER: I came into this
thinking that I wanted a cure,
I wanted to be fixed.
1154
00:57:12,680 --> 00:57:16,040
I know now that it's not
a cure I'm looking for.
1155
00:57:16,040 --> 00:57:17,640
I need... I have to find...
1156
00:57:18,800 --> 00:57:22,520
It's not a cure because it's not
that kind of illness.
1157
00:57:22,520 --> 00:57:25,360
I have to find a way of managing
1158
00:57:25,360 --> 00:57:29,240
and you have to find a way
of living like this, but...
1159
00:57:29,240 --> 00:57:32,760
..without...all the things that make
me sad.
1160
00:57:32,760 --> 00:57:34,720
I know my treatment isn't finished
1161
00:57:34,720 --> 00:57:37,880
and I know I've got a long way
to go, but I feel...
1162
00:57:39,600 --> 00:57:41,760
..I feel ready for it.
1163
00:57:41,760 --> 00:57:45,560
I already see little glimmers,
little, little glimmers.
1164
00:57:47,000 --> 00:57:48,680
So I know there's hope.
1165
00:57:52,480 --> 00:57:55,080
For more information on ways to
understand
1166
00:57:55,080 --> 00:57:57,160
and cope with anxiety go to...
155634
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