All language subtitles for Family Guy - 21x20 - Adult Education.ION10-NTb-CAKES.English.C.orig.Addic7ed.com

♪ It seems today that all you see ♪

♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪

♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪

♪ On which we used to rely? ♪

♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪

♪ Lucky there's a man who
positively can do ♪

♪ All the things that make us ♪

♪ Laugh and cry ♪

♪ He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy! ♪

- Synced and corrected by AlexandreMT -
- www.addic7ed.com -

Hi, honey, how was school today?

Well, the metal detectors
were down, so the popular kids

were all on edge all day,
so that was kind of fun.

Oh, and we also got our yearbooks.

Ooh, let me see.

I love seeing what my handsome
boy's been up to all year.

Oh, there's the student council,
and the cheerleaders.

Peter, w-why is there
a photo of you in here?

I'm in the Peter club.

It's just me and this guy Jason
who joined as a joke.

Jason's, like, hilarious.

Wait a minute. Chris,
there's no pictures of you.

Huh, I guess not.

Chris, honey, I keep telling you,

you need to get involved
in extracurricular activities.

Otherwise you won't get into college,

and you'll end up a garbageman

or a congresswoman from Colorado.

Okay, okay, fine.
I'll look for a club tomorrow.

Your mom's right, Chris.
You got to get into college.

Mostly so you can constantly

jam into conversation where you went.

Have you been to that new
restaurant, Kristof's, downtown?

- It's amazing.
- No, but that reminds me

of when I was at school in Cambridge.

Oh, you went to Harvard?

No, the Cambridge Technical
College for Dullards and Mutes.

Not to brag, but there are
commercials for it on TV.

Because it's embarrassing
to see you in jeans at church.

That's why.

Yeah, I'm sure it was fine
back home in Tampa.

Now hold still.

Hey, Brian, could you drive me
to Joann Fabrics?

I'm gonna put in some elastic
'cause I've learned my lesson.

Sure, just got to stop at the bank.

Still getting my accounts sorted out

after that Russian hacker thing.

Ah, yes, that Ivan fellow.

I can't believe Meg
stayed behind to be with him.

Well, they seemed pretty happy together.

Still, it's got to be hard
leaving your whole life behind

and adapting to a foreign culture.

I wonder how she's doing.

♪ This old town,
this old crumbling village ♪

♪ Cold and grey ♪

♪ Like the town next door ♪

♪ It's so bleak ♪

♪ But to me, it's perfect ♪

♪ Especially when we say ♪

♪ Privyet, privyet ♪

♪ Privyet, privyet, privyet ♪

♪ There goes the onion man ♪

♪ He smells like heaven ♪

♪ Already drunk at 9:15 ♪

♪ Though the air is bitter cold ♪

♪ And I'm constantly patrolled ♪

♪ I've never felt so much at home... ♪

- Privyet.
- Have a great day at work, space dog.

♪ There goes that Meg ♪

♪ She is so dense and sturdy ♪

♪ Pumped up for winter like a seal ♪

♪ And she's only just 18 ♪

♪ The exact same age as me ♪

♪ So pale and plain and homely ♪

♪ That's our Meg ♪

♪ Now after 50 hours
on Spirit Airlines ♪

♪ I've found a place where I belong ♪

♪ With a man who's oh, so sweet ♪

♪ And all the turnips I can eat ♪

♪ What more can I ask ♪

♪ For? ♪

All right, I got to get Mom off my back.

There's got to be an extracurricular

for me somewhere.

- Hey, can I join your club?
- That depends.

Can you uplift your fellow students

through the eloquent art
of public speaking?

I'll give it my best shot.

(BLEEP), (BLEEP) for sure,
and (BLEEP) most of all, Kelvin.

Uh, I'm not too good at sports.

You sure I can be on the lacrosse team?

Absolutely, Chris.

We think you'd make a great defendant.

- You mean defender?
- No.

- We're full.
- Wait, your name's not Peter.

That's Jason. He's, like, hilarious.

So I don't have to be a Peter to join?

We're full.

How was day working
at bot farm, my love?

It was great.

I convinced a Facebook mommy group

that diapers cause autism.

Ooh, then we had
a big catered lunch. See?

Ah, my darling has appetite
of Siberian walrus.

And is just as fragrant.

You rest, milaya. I'll go make tea.

Man, I miss American food.

"Beets are fine,
but every once in a while,

"I sure could go
for a good old-fashioned

American cheeseburger."

Bozhe moi, what happen?

President Putin will not tolerate

even the mildest of criticism.

You need to drive slower, man.

I don't think he heard
the end of my threat.

Uh, well, maybe your threat
should be more succinct.

Well, maybe you should call
our boss "papa" again.

It was mistake. One time.

One time I do this.

Chris? Did you find
an after-school activity yet?

Working on it, Mom.

"In conclusion, municipal
zoning laws have ultimately hurt

the very people
they're intended to help."

And send.

Gosh, who knew there was
so much civil discourse

in the Pornhub comments section?

All right, back to business.

Hmm. This one's just called
"Sex in a School."

Whoa, that's crazy.

This set looks just like my homeroom.

Huh, the porn school
has a Chris Griffin, too?

It's so immersive.

Wait a minute.

Is this my school?

Attention, naughty students.

Ass is now in session.

Oh, my God, Principal Shepherd's
making porn at school.

Hey, I'm gonna shut
this door real quick.

Rupert's pants came back
and he doesn't fit into them,

so, so we're having a thing.

Oh, you know what, guys?

I think some of these letters
are, like, numbers.

We got to start over.

Chris, can you erase the boards for me?

Kiss my shorts.

Chris, I hear you've been
acting up in class

and carelessly misquoting The Simpsons.

Yeah, well, don't have a moo, man.

The slacker's position.

Young man, in this school,
furniture has rules.

Well, guess what? I'm gonna do
whatever I want around here,

and there's nothing you can do about it.

Oh, really? And why is that?

'Cause I know you've been
making porn in the school.

I... You can't prove that.

I heard your voice on one of the videos.

All right, you caught me.

You see, Chris, we educators
don't make a lot of money.

So, once I saw I had
the classrooms at my disposal,

plus all the school A/V equipment,

I realized I was only
a box of wet naps away

from becoming a pornographer,
so I gave it a shot.

Hamilton tells me you're not
supposed to throw those away.

Well, it doesn't matter.
I'm not making any money.

My videos hardly get any views.

I think it's time for me
to throw in the sticky towel.

Wow, that's a pretty sad story,
Principal Shepherd.

But you want to know
the saddest part of all?

Your porn sucks, bro.

What? What are you talking about?

Well, let's start with the titles.

Who calls their porno "Man
and Woman Having Standard Sex"?

You got to work the algorithm, man.

You need keywords like "stepsister,"

"stepbrother," "stepmom."

Just put "step" and a noun
and it should work.

Even "stepladder"
is getting traction these days.

You know, if you want
to make this thing work

and start making money,
I can help you out.

You want to help me?

Actually, I think
we can help each other.

You need help with this thing,

I need an after-school activity
so my mom gets off my back,

and I think I just found it.

I'm the newest member of the porn club.

- All right, deal.
- Awesome.

I feel like I've finally found
my calling, like Steve Martin.

I've got it.

I'll do five years of entertainment,

then 40 years of banjo.

Hello?

No, I don't want
ten million dollars for a movie.

Call back when you've got 14 banjo fans

in your city's worst theater.

Honey?

Could you shut the door?

Honey, shut the door.

Ivan.

W-What happened?

Everyone here was silenced by state

for careless social media post.

You mean that thing I said
about beets for lu...

Quiet.

Government is very strict

about criticism of Russian way of life.

Is true. You see, President
Putin can be very sensitive...

Meg, I am so happy you okay.

I stayed by your side all night.

Oh, thank you for being so good to me.

God, this hospital bill
is gonna be a fortune.

What? Is free.

Even in Russia,

health care is basic human right
covered by government.

Surely is same in very wealthy,
superior United States?

Well...

♪ God bless America ♪

♪ My home sweet home... ♪

Lunch lady porn?

Is this really something
people want to see?

Oh, yeah, it has
a very dedicated fan base.

Plus, the actors don't even
have to be attractive.

You ever see a hot lunch lady?

No. It ruins the fantasy.

Ready when you are, Mr. G.

All right, places.

"Sloppy Hoes,"
scene one, take one. Mark.

Tarps up.

And action.

Cut. Get that cigarette out of the shot.

Kids are gonna watch this.

I got to hand it to you, Chris,

our videos have been quite a success.

I haven't felt this kind
of financial security

since I found 20 bucks in one
of the lost-and-found jackets.

In fact, I took the liberty of buying us

a little something to celebrate.

Come on.

- Wow, is that...
- That's right.

The 1992 Toyota Cressida.

The ultimate principal dream car.

Shallot purple with a beige interior.

- And there's one for each of us.
- Gosh, really?

No one's ever given me
anything this nice before.

Well, you earned it.

Turns out, you just needed

to find something you could excel at.

Thanks, Principal Shepherd.

Say, how about we drive
these babies down to Chipotle

and order guac like big shots?

I saw Elon Musk do that once.

Was it after his hair transplant?

After one of his two
separate hair transplants, yes.

Aw. It was so sweet of you
to plan this picnic, Ivan.

But why are we in a cemetery?

Meg, I brings you here because
cemetery is very special place.

It is here where you can
finally meet my parents.

Your parents are dead?

Oh, Ivan, I'm so sorry.

It's okay. They died peacefully
being ripped apart by dogs.

Meg, when you were in hospital,
I was so afraid to lose you.

And in that moment, I realized
I never want us to be apart.

Meg, will you marry me?

I do not have much to give,

but I do have mother's engagement ring.

What do you say, Meg?

Will you make me happiest man
in all of Russia?

Which is admittedly a very low bar?

Oh, Ivan. Yes, yes, yes.

Then come with me
and let's take brown clothes,

not-smiling engagement photo.

I cannot wait

to etch this picture of you
into hideous black gravestone.

Which background you want?
Frozen tundra or leaky reactor?

- Oh, oh, reactor, please.
- Reactor, please.

Don't know why I offer tundra.
Nobody choose.

Hey, where are you going?

Dinner's gonna be ready any minute.

Oh, I-I have to get to school.

I have to meet up with
the, uh, uh, debate club.

At 8:00 p. m.?

Yeah, there was a whole debate about it.

Well I am so glad you finally
found an extracurricular.

This is gonna look great
on your college résumé.

And maybe you'll make some new friends.

I am so proud of you.

- No, you're not.
- What? Of course I am.

Ah, gotcha. You got debated.

Oh, so advanced already.

Okay, have fun.

Family Guy is brought to you

by the not-new Toyota Cressida.

With more back seat
Diet Pepsi can storage

than any other car in its class.

When you hear the call of adventure,

let your Cressida drive you
the other way.

The Toyota Cressida.

You'll pick up that french fry
next to the brake

when you're good and ready.

Chris? Are you in here, sweetie?

I brought your favorite:

spaghetti with butter and nothing else.

I'm told it's a sign
of a developmental disorder,

but I'm not ready to confront that yet.

Chris?

Cut. Okay, Klaara?

Klaara, honey,
um, before this next take,

can you move your baby
or get him to stop crying?

There's my handsome boy.

Mom? What are you doing here?

Well, I didn't want you doing
argument-sports

on an empty stomach, so I...

Wait, this is the debate club?

W-What's with all the lights
and the cameras?

A-Are you guys making a movie?

Um...

Crocs and Arby's?

Oh, my God. You're making porn.

Arby's. We don't judge.

We just hand out shaved meats.

I don't believe this.

Chris, you lied to me.
And for something so disgusting.

Mom, I-I can explain.

Oh, and on school grounds, no less.

Just you wait until Principal
Shepherd hears about this.

Well, CVS didn't have any towels,
so follow me to the science lab

and I'll show you where
the eye-wash stations are.

- Mrs. Griffin?
- Principal Shepherd,

are you in on this, too?

Certainly not. I have no idea
what's going on here.

Principal Shepherd,
Starla is officially a no-show,

so the nine-some is now an eight-some.

All right, put her per diem
back in petty cash,

tell Sue Ann in makeup
it's her lucky day,

tell lighting it's legs up in five,

and let's shoot this thing.

I mean, what?

We begin with a reading
from the Russian Orthodox Bible.

And Jesus said to Mikhail,

"The radio you sold me last week
does not work."

Mikhail said to Him, "How do I know

you didn't break it on purpose
to get your money back?"

Then they got in a fistfight on the bus.

- Amen.
- Amen.

I now pronounce Ukraine
actually part of Russia,

and I also pronounce you
husband and wife.

You may share a joyless kiss.

This is an outrage.

Porn doesn't belong in school,
it belongs on public trains.

I guess if I don't bring
brownies, nobody does.

Please, everyone, not all at once.

Is there an Alpha Karen
who can speak for all of you?

First of all, I want you to know
I'm filming this.

Second of all, I'm gonna
get really angry really fast

for no reason.

Listen, folks, I-I can explain.

What is there to explain?

That you've been using
our children's school

to make pornography?

That-that you took advantage of my son?

This is getting away from me.

Maybe I can filibuster this

by reading the owner's manual
for my Toyota Cressida.

"Dear consumer,
making cars is really hard.

There are so many parts, you guys."

Wait. Everybody, wait a minute.

That's the boy who was
talking to an owl outside.

Let him speak.

Look, Principal Shepherd may
have made some bad decisions,

but he didn't do it for himself.

It was all to raise money
for the school.

Oh, is-is that true, Principal Shepherd?

Um...

- Well, I-I...
- Of course it's true.

Every year they slash the school budget,

and this man did what he had to do

to give us the education we deserve.

You know the reading specialist we have?

Paid for by a "Das Boot."

What's a "Das Boot"?

That's when a whole bunch of German men

go down at the same time.

He's right, everyone.

With all those budget cuts,
I had no choice.

It was either make porn,
or pass a modest tax increase

on the wealthiest citizens of Quahog.

A tax hike that'll affect none of us?

That's the last thing we want.

Meeting adjourned.

Chris, that was some
quick thinking back there.

You saved my career. Thank you.

Hold it right there, Principal Shepherd.

Now, I appreciate that you were
trying to help out the school,

but how could you get my son
involved in something like this?

- You've corrupted him.
- "Corrupted"?

This was the best thing
that ever happened to me.

See, before we started making porn,

I didn't care about anything

because I wasn't good at anything.

But now, I'm using skills
I never knew I had.

I'm writing scripts, making
schedules and balancing budgets.

And it's all thanks
to Principal Shepherd.

I never thought of it that way.

I-I guess you did learn
some valuable life skills.

Oh, I'm-I'm so sorry I got mad, honey.

I just wanted to protect you.

That's okay, Mom. I get it.

- But no more making porn.
- Deal.

Redheaded MILF packs
a very naughty lunch box?

Dude, that's my mom.

It's usually someone's mom, Chris.

Well, I managed to upgrade us
to president-for-life suite.

Window is so big, you could shove

six, seven journalists out all at once.

Are you okay, Meg?
You barely touched your kvass.

What's the matter, not enough raisins?

Perhaps you miss your family, no?

Yeah. I mean, I love it here,

but I'm sad they missed my wedding.

Hey, I have idea.

Why don't we visit family in America?

They can celebrate our wedding
and say a proper farewell.

Yeah, that's a great idea.

I'm gonna call them right now.

- Ugh, no service.
- Here, use mine.

Only service that works here
is state-controlled

Russian cellular network
where they spy on every move.

I think in U. S. A.,
you call it "T-Mobile."

Ah, so you got green card marriage, huh?

That's right. American cow fell for it.

Here's to my last night in Russia.

Oh, my God.

This whole thing was just another scam?

I'll give you something to laugh about.

What the... Oh, no.