All language subtitles for Call Me Kat s03e22 Donut Wall.eng

I need to leave early today.

Family emergency.

Why? What happened?

My grandfather died.

Yeah, in 1983.

Sorry I can't grieve
on your timeline.

-Come on, it's just
one more person. -No!

Our wedding is too big already.

We have to do the Electric Slide
in three shifts.

I got to invite
my boy Chad Bracket.

Who the hell is Chad Bracket,

other than the whitest-sounding
guy in America?

From Call of Duty.

You know him as ChadGrabs80085.

It's funny 'cause on screen,
it looks like

"Chad grabs boobs." He's 11.

You know I wanted
a small wedding.

It's my favorite thing
to not invite people to stuff.

And you know I wanted a big one.

Besides, Chad Bracket
doesn't take up much space.

But we do have
to invite his mom.

No!
No Chad, no Chad's mama,

no flower girl that's a robot,
no donut wall.

(gasps)
No donut wall?

Well, where are people
gonna take photos

of the flower girl
that's a robot?

Where are you going?

To talk to a man
about a white horse

that we no longer need.

-Oh.
-Oh, good morning, Randi.

When did you get here?

Carter is just making
everything so difficult.

He wants the invitations
to be a puzzle box.

That is a terrible idea that
I definitely did not give him.

You are not gonna believe this.
You know Russell Dickerson?

Oh, who is that--
Chad Bracket's whiter brother?

No, he's a country singer.
You've heard his stuff.

Uh, "Every Little Thing,"
"Yours."

Oh, "Come to Jesus" was so good
they played it at my synagogue.

He's in town shooting a video
and my manager convinced him

to come to my show tonight.

Are you serious?
Rabbi Goldberg is gonna flip.

-This could be huge.
-SHEILA: Oh, Max,

that's such wonderful news.

My grandfather would be
so happy for you.

God rest his soul.

I'm gonna take
the rest of the week off.

Grandpapa would have
wanted it that way.

♪ Me, oh, my, oh, my, oh, me ♪

♪ Nothin' wrong with you
but I'd rather be me. ♪

♪ But we both know ♪

♪ Had to let you go... ♪

What's Russell doing now?

Oh, he's moving a bit,
seems like he's feeling it. Oh.

Now he's fixing a wedgie.
They are just like us.

♪ There's the door. ♪

(cheering)

Thanks, everyone. (laughs)

Thanks, everyone.
We're gonna take a break.

And don't forget
to try the jalapeño poppers.

They're half price
because they're good,

not because they're past
their expiration date.

My man!

Hi, I'm Max Kingbird.
Thank you so much for coming.

And I'm Zoey Monroe.
We are huge fans.

Oh, thank you.
I absolutely love the show.

I saw you at Stagecoach.
I-I yelled your name

and then I screamed because
I got hit by a flying beer.

Wait, you're "Sweet God,
I think I need stitches"?

Yes! And I did.

Oh, uh, Russell,
this is my friend Kat.

Hi, nice to meet you.
I'm a huge fan,

and Rabbi Goldberg
says mazel tov.

MAX: Funny story, uh,

this song is actually
about our breakup.

And you're okay with him
telling people that?

Because you come off
kind of bad.

Oh, oh, I-I don't mind.
I'm-I'm kind of an open book.

For example,
I once had a sex dream

about Beaker from the Muppets.

Anyways, uh,

my band and I are getting ready
for our summer tour,

and we need a opener.

Would you guys be interested?

Are you serious?
Because that would be amazing.

I'm so excited,
I don't even know what to say.

I love you.
No, that is not right.

♪ I'm a cowboy ♪

♪ On a steel horse I ride ♪

♪ I'm wanted ♪

♪ Wanted ♪

♪ Dead or alive. ♪

That's if you need, like,
an opener for the opener.

She's not coming on the tour.

Welcome to the season one finale
of Hot Lots.

-'Cause I'm hot.
-And I'm also hot.

W-What are you doing?
I'm the one that's hot.

You're the one that's a lot.
Which you're proving right now.

But can't I be hot just once?

I mean, if you won't do it
for me, do it for my fans.

You know,
give the Carter-Heads a thrill.

(laughs)

Okay, baby, you can be hot.

So, I was thinking
we reveal the living room first,

then the kitchen
because that's the showstopper.

Plus, it's fun to see you get
scared by the garbage disposal.

Actually, I have an idea.

Oh, Lord, here comes
the "a lot" part.

Follow me.

I'll go first so you can see
why I am hot.

-(imitates sizzling)
-Wh...

Oh, my God.

Look at this place.

Y-You did this for me?

See? YouTube is wrong.

I am good enough for you.

I have one more thing
to show you.

Oh. All right.

Well, let me turn
these guys around

-so they don't get jealous.
-Uh-uh, not that.

But rain check.
You know, on the sex.

(laughs)

Wait, why are you so dressed up?

'Cause we're going down to
the courthouse to get married.

Uh, are you for real right now?

Yeah.

All this fighting
about the wedding is stupid.

At the end of the day,
the only thing

that matters to me
is making you happy.

But what about
your fairy-tale wedding?

You are my fairy tale.

You already kissed this frog.

Aw, Carter.

-Well, I'll-I'll go get dressed.
-All right.

Hold up, hold up.

Cashing in on that rain check.

-Oh...
-Yeah... (laughs)

Hey, I know you two.

Uh-uh.
Those charges were dropped.

No. You Randi and Carter
from Hot Lots.

You are hot.

BOTH:
Thank you.

BOTH:
He meant me.

I loved that episode
where you pretended

to superglue your hands
to your head.

(laughs):
Pretended. Yeah.

Yeah, we sure have fun.

Uh, so where do we go
to get married?

Oh, you get your license
right over there.

Appreciate you, bro.

Always good to meet
a fellow Carter-Head.

Hey.

Okay, so I got the check,

you have the rings,
what are we missing?

Uh, nothing. We are good...

...to go.

Um, excuse me for a sec.

-Wait, where you going?
-Um, I got to pee.

Really, right now?

You peed
five times during Avatar.

-I can't pee once?
-The movie

is over three hours
and set in water.

Of course I peed a lot.

A caramel macchiato, please.

Sorry, I-I couldn't hear you
over your hat.

Well, now that I'm single,
I'm trying out new looks.

Is this one called
"single forever"?

Hey, I think it's very sharp.

Reminds me
of an old-time gangster.

Or an old-time
newspaperman, like,

"Extry, extry, Jeff is single
and ready to mingle."

Believe it or not,
she's single, too.

-(phone rings)
-Oh. (short chuckle)

Yo, yo, yo.
Tell me what you know.

I know you need to stop
answering the phone like that.

Can you do me a favor?

Me and Randi
are at the courthouse

-about to get married.
-What? Right now?

Yeah, don't tell anybody.
We're keeping it on the low.

Carter, this is crazy.
Not to mention,

I'm only on draft seven
of the wedding toast

and half my limericks
don't rhyme.

-I guess I could cut them.
-Listen,

I forgot the rings.
Randi's gonna kill me.

Can you go get them
from the apartment?

Also, don't cut the limericks.

They're like Irish rap.

I-I don't have a key
to your condo.

I know that the pressure
is on, though.

I don't want to break in,
because it's a sin.

I could ask your super Fernando.

All right, cut the limericks.

Look,

there's a key under the mat.

-Okay, uh, where are the rings?
-In the fridge.

-You better hurry.
-I'll get there

as soon as I'm able.
Right now I'm passing a table.

Hello? Carter?

(scoffs) You know what?
I'm not cutting the limericks.

Max, Randi and Carter
are getting married

at the courthouse right now.

-What?
-Yeah, we've got to

go to the condo
and get the rings.

So I got ordained online
for nothing?

That's 20 bucks
I'll never get back.

Uh, Jeff, tell my mother
to watch the café.

You got it, sweetheart.

Wow. That's even cooler
than I thought it'd be.

Whoa. Look how this place
came together.

They took none of my ideas.

Yeah, it's awesome.

Ah, check out the feature wall.

The open floor plan.

Backsplash, shiplap and other
words I've heard on HGTV.

Okay, Carter said the rings
are in the fridge.

Oh, which, PS,
is the same fridge

that Neil deGrasse Tyson has.

I saw his Cribs.

You know, they never told us
that they finished the reno.

Or that they're getting married.

Are they breaking up with us?

I did see them talking

to another white couple
the other day.

Oh. Hey, found the rings.

-Uh, found their weed.
-Oh, where was that hidden?

-Big jar labeled "not weed."
-(laughs)

Hmm. Thank you.

What... What, are you
taking their weed?

I don't know what you're
talking about. It's not weed.

(chuckles)

Wow. Wow, this is, that's...

-that's really beautiful.
-Oh, yeah. That really is.

What?

Nothing.
Nothing.

I just thought
that might be us someday.

Yeah, I guess I kind of
thought about that, too.

-We should get-get going. Yeah.
-Yeah.

-Uh-oh.
-What's wrong?

I just put a ring on my finger
and said "uh-oh."

What do you think is wrong?

All right, address,
phone number.

Ooh, for "sex,"
put "yes, please."

That way they know I'm funny.

Okay, Social Security number.

Damn.

Hold up.

Do you not know your Social?

Of course I do.

Every responsible adult
knows their Social.

Just give me a second.

Does it start with a one?

I said give me a second.

All right.

What about a two?

Maybe three?

-Stop it.
-Just trying to help.

That's what I'm here... four?

I'm just gonna call the café.

I know it's on my W-2.

You sure you know that number?

Yep, it's
"5-0-2 shut the hell up."

(phone rings)

Kat's Cat Café, Jeff speaking.

Jeff?
You don't work there.

Oh, no, it's okay.
Zoey's here.

Hey! I made a smoothie.
(chuckles)

Oh, and that blender
was already broken.

Where's Kat?

Oh, she left Sheila in charge.

-Okay, where's Sheila?
-Uh, she's at the bar.

You know what? That's on me
for asking a stupid question.

But Jeff is in the "hiz-ouse."
How can I... hello?

(phone rings)

Hello. For the Middle C,
press one.

For Darren's Paddleboat
Adventures, press two.

Darren, it's Randi.
Put Sheila on the phone.

Randi want to talk to you.

Randi?

Uh-oh.

Kat's Cat Café.
How may I help you?

This thing is not coming off.

I know what we could do.

Smoke this bad boy.

How is that gonna help
get the ring off?

Are you kidding?

There's a world
of new ideas in here.

(phone chimes)

-Oh, my God.
-What?

They just added dates
to the tour.

Now I have to leave tomorrow.

Tomorrow?
That's so soon.

It's the soonest you can get
without being today.

And if you don't include today,
tomorrow is today.

-Yeah, you do not need this.
-(exhales)

Tomorrow?

Damn it.
I have to pack.

I just bought groceries.

I have to eat a 12-egg omelet
for dinner.

-Max, it's gonna be okay.
-No, it's not!

You're not the one who has
to choke down a dozen eggs

and a bunch of bananas.

I'm talking, like, seven.

Oh, my God,
and I just bought a ficus.

Let's relax.

It's just a-a little sooner
than we thought.

I can't relax.
There's so much to do.

We barely rehearsed.
We have to make a set list.

Oh, God, what-what
are the lyrics to my song?

-What?
-My hit song. I'm blanking on the lyrics.

It's the one, the one
where you dump me

and I tell you to leave
the house through

the swingy thing
that you go in and out of.

♪ You can walk, you can run ♪

♪ Tell yourself
I'm not the one ♪

Come on.
♪ We both know ♪

-♪ Had to let you go ♪
-Ugh.

♪ Can't you see, can't believe ♪

♪ Told the world
you set me free ♪

♪ But we both know ♪

-♪ Had to let you go ♪
-Here it is.

♪ Say there's the door. ♪

(both chuckle)

-You've got this.
-Thank you.

(sighs)
God, you always have my back.

-Okay, now I need you
to do me a favor. -Anything.

Take the wheel.
I'm gonna chew my finger off.

Oh. Oh, God.

(sighs)
Oh, in a few minutes,

that'll be us
heading down the aisle.

Ooh, do you think
they'll let me use

Lizzo's "About Damn Time"
as my walk-up song?

Why do you keep
looking at your phone?

Oh, uh, Chad Bracket
just failed his math test.

Uh, I got to call his mom
and use my best teacher voice.

(awkward voice): "I'm willing
to let Chad pass if he can

kill six times four
Nazis tonight."

Tonight?
It's our wedding night.

Kat, we're next.
Where are you?

Almost there. There was
no parking so I had to valet.

There is no valet.

Oh, then I just paid a guy
ten bucks to steal my car.

But you have the rings, right?

Haven't left my hand.

Oh. There you are.

What, you stopped
to get churros?

It took ten seconds.
And how could I not?

It's a deep-fried
cinnamon sword.

Aw.

Well, that's why you get two.

(beep)

Okay, sir, I'm gonna need you

to check your pockets
and walk back through for me.

Keys? How do you forget
your keys at a metal detector?

That's like forgetting
your TI-83 scientific calculator

at the AP Calculus exam.

(laughs)
Totes.

(beep)

Do you have anything else
in your pockets?

Ugh. Great. Our best friends
are about to get married

and we're stuck behind
Mr. Bean Goes to the Airport.

Sir, can we go ahead
of you, please?

I'm-a need you
to wait your turn.

Oh, Carter's freaking out.
They're up any second.

Damn it, I got confused
and ate my floor churro.

(beep)

What, do you got a metal hip?

Two of them. Why?

Okay, let me just get the wand.

Know what? That's it.
Out of my way, Tin Man.

Ma'am, I need you to stop.

-I am not gonna stop.
-This is your final warning.

My friends are getting married
in there and I am going in.

Kat!

Did I pee?

Wait, don't tell me.

Aw, what a cute couple.

I mean, not as cute as us,
but that's a high bar.

Cute flower girl.

For a human.

(chuckles): Hey, hey, hey.
Get back in there.

Come on, take more photos
with grandma.

She's not gonna
be around forever.

Not that you old. Uh...

-You could die
in a horrific accident. -What...

All right,
next up is Charles Cook

and Miranda Hamilton.

Charles and Miranda?

-Oh, crap,
that's our real names. -Oh.

-Okay.
-We made it.

We made it.

Ignore the smell of burnt hair.

Wait, what are you two
doing here?

-Baby, did you tell them?
-Oh, y-yeah, yeah.

That's why I was stalling.

To make sure
our friends was here,

and no other reason than that.

I, um, I got tased and peed,
but it's no big deal.

This day is all about you.

Oh, getting tased at a wedding
is a Hamilton family tradition.

I'm so glad you guys are here!

Ah. So are we.

And since no one else is here,

I guess that makes me
your best man.

Suck it, Darren.

(laughs)

Hi, Your Honor. Uh...

We are Charles Cook
and Miranda Hamilton.

Nice to see a brother in a robe.
You know Judge Mathis?

Yes, all the Black judges
are in one group text chain.

(laughs):
Yeah.

Okay.

Your license looks good.

We have our witnesses.

-Do you have the rings?
-Of course I do.

I mean, I don't.

Uh, Kat has them.

Which was a long-term plan
and not a mistake at all.

Here's Carter's and, uh...

here's Randi's.

Why is my ring on your finger?

Because the butter, mayonnaise
and WD-40 didn't work.

On the bright side, my finger
could be your something blue.

(chuckles)
Oh, I don't think it's...

Oh, ow! Oh!

My skin could be
your something borrowed.

All right.
Let's get this started.

Do you, Charles Cook,
take this woman

to be your lawfully wedded wife?

I mean, look at her.
Of course I do.

JUDGE:
And do you, Miranda Hamilton,

take this man to be
your lawfully wedded husband?

Baby?

I can't do this.

What?

I want to get married
like the couple before us.

In Spanish?

No, with all of our friends
and family around.

And I so appreciate
you wanted to do this for me,

but baby, you were right.

I want the first dance,

I want my dad
to walk me down the aisle,

I want Sheila to bag
a groomsman young enough

to make things weird.

Oh, she's gonna get that.

I want the whole thing.

I want to stand up
in front of all those people

and tell them
how much I love you.

Baby.

KAT:
Aw.

I love y'all.

Yes. This means
I get to use my license

from FiveMinuteMinister.net.

Oh. The limericks
are coming fast and furious.

Someone got a pencil?

I need a pencil.
You got a pencil?

-Well, here we are.
-Yeah.

Good luck going
through security.

You've seen what can go wrong
at a metal detector.

Um, before you go, I, um...

I got you something.

A guitar pick?

It's from the first show
I saw you perform in

in college.
That's the pick you used.

You saved it?

Yeah.

I just knew you were
gonna make it.

And I thought it might
bring you luck on your tour.

This is the most thoughtful gift
I've ever gotten.

(chuckles)

And only a minute ago, I thought
it was literal garbage.

Thank you.

Okay, better get in there.

Max?

No.

No, I'm not going.

What are you talking about?

Why am I leaving when
everything I've ever wanted

is right here?

You're getting on that plane

and you're going.

-You can't park here, ma'am.
-Oh.

Sorry. Sorry, he's-he's
just getting out. (chuckles)

You heard him, you got to go.
And I cannot get tased again.

I'm still seeing sounds.

Our relationship
was really working

until I screwed it up by putting
my career ahead of you.

I am not gonna do that again.

-Let's go!
-Hey, listen, buddy,

I'm a self-appointed
Junior Fire Marshal,

so we're on the same
side here, okay?

Look, I-I cannot be the reason
that you don't do this.

-Kat...
-No, Max, we'll figure everything out

when you come back, just...
You've got to go.

(sighs)

Okay. Okay.

Max?

Yeah?

I love you.

I love you, too.

Love is a complicated thing.

It can lift you up
high as an airplane

-Lady.
-or... All right, already!

I'll break the fourth wall
on the road.

("Every Little Thing"
by Russell Dickerson playing)

♪ My baby, she's Alabama ♪

♪ A Dixieland delight ♪

♪ Kissing me like molasses ♪

♪ Slow and sweet,
mm-hmm, just right ♪

♪ She's an endless
August summer ♪

♪ Yeah, sunshine 3-6-5 ♪

♪ When she forgets
the punch line ♪

♪ It still gets me every time ♪

♪ 'Cause I love every little ♪

♪ Every little, every little
thing about her love ♪

♪ Just a little, just a little ♪

♪ Just a little ain't enough ♪

♪ Got to get a, got to get a ♪

♪ Get a little more
of all she does ♪

♪ I'm all hung up ♪

♪ 'Cause I love ♪

♪ Every little, every little ♪

♪ Every little thing
about her love. ♪

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