All language subtitles for bupkis.s01e03.1080p.web.h264-cakes

What?

The number you dialed
is not in ser--

The mailbox is full
and cannot accept

any messages at this ti--

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

Oh, no.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God, Peter!

Mm, fuck.

Fuck.

Morning, ladies.

Uh, do you guys have
a phone charger?

My phone died.

Thank you.

What the fuck?

Am I dead?

Look, Ma. I can tell
you're a little upset.

- I'm sorry.
- A little upset?

Peter, I thought you were dead.

Yeah, well, I'm not, okay?

So we should all be
grateful, all right?

- I just don't understand
how somebody could put

a story like this
on the Internet,

and nobody does
anything about it.

Yeah, I don't get it,
either, Ma, okay?

But there's nothing
I can do about it, so--

God, I'm still shaking.

I'm having my first cigarette
in 20 years.

Nothing like
the first one back.

It wasn't any
of my cigarettes, right?

'Cause my cigarettes
are not cigarettes.

We've talked about this.

Shit, Ma. I--I gotta go.

Peter, what could possibly

be more important
than this right now?

I'm saving the planet.

Wait, Peter--

Electricity is now cheaper
than any electricity

that can be made
from fossil fuels.

Dude, what the fuck?
They're still using the photo.

I hate this fucking picture.
Why do people keep using it?

Ugh, I know.

I think they got it
from Wikipedia.

Like, don't we have
somebody on this?

- Can't somebody remove this?
- Yeah, yeah.

He--he did, but someone keeps
putting it back up there.

Can you get it removed?

This is fuckin' embarrassing, okay?

I know. I'm sorry.

Hey, one more round
of applause for Jon Stewart.

Oh, my God!

- My boy.
- How are they?

Don't mention global warming.
They're very touchy.

I'd like to thank
my friend Jon Stewart

for being able to talk about
rising sea levels,

and somehow, amazingly,

turn it into hilarious shtick.

And now, ladies and gentlemen,

I am extremely happy to
announce he's alive and well.

Please welcome Pete Davidson.

Thanks, man.

Hey, Al. Uh, sorry about
all the fake death business.

Oh, Wu-Tang.

Hi, guys.

Uh, thank you so much
for having me.

Thanks to Al, and Jon Stewart.

It is awesome to be here,
uh, for the environment, and--

Uh--

what the fuck is that?

Uh, there's a--

I--I have a troll.

That's an icebreaker.

And speaking of icebreakers--

Fuck.

So who keeps putting
the picture back up?

Some guy with the username ImAScatMan76.

I fucking love that song.

Get it removed, okay?
This is embarrassing.

- I'm on it.
- Look at that picture.

Jon looks ten years
younger than me.

- Peter!
- Stew!

Huh! Huh!

So glad you're alive.

- I think Gore's drunk.
- Wow.

Yeah. I can't tell
if it's a Southern thing,

or if he's just
fucking hammered.

- Yeah, he's shitfaced.
- Yeah.

- Doesn't recycle, either.
- Really?

Yeah. Fucking guy.

Man, all this shit, man, I--

we gotta talk, man.
I think--I think it's time.

I think you gotta throw
your hat in the ring.

It's time--
it's time to run for president.

Yeah, I--I don't think
that's gonna happen.

Come on, Stew.
Right, Evan?

The world's in
fucking crisis, dude.

- Yeah.
- It's dogshit out there.

We're fucked, man.
You gotta run.

I mean, if you don't, Jon,
I'm gonna have to.

Yeah, I don't--

I don't think you
should do that.

How old do you have to be?

See, that's--right there.

Why, are you, like--

are you afraid I won't win,
or something?

Yeah, that's not
what I'm afraid of.

Listen, I--I gotta go.

- Okay.
- I've got a world to run.

You know, we control
a lot of this shit.

Don't tell anybody that.

Just, like, media
and finance and shit.

- Yeah, yeah.
- And government.

Sure.

Clothing.

Atmosphere.

Jews.

Don't fuck with us.

All of you, half of me.

Don't run for president.

Please stop telling him no.

It only makes him
wanna run more.

It's my anniversary.

Can I borrow your cock?

Okay, so he said we could
donate all this stuff.

Jesus.

I haven't, uh, heard
from you in a while.

How is Pete?

Oh, yeah.
He's--he's good.

We've just been, like,
super busy on the road.

And, um, yeah, I was just--

it was, like,
my girlfriend's birthday, so--

Oh, it seems like ever since
you started dating her,

you've been distracted.

It's been like, six years.

Just remember, Evan, nothing
is as important as family.

Yeah.
Hey, um, Amy, I think I'm--

I'm ready. Like, I--

I think I'm gonna propose
to Lizzie.

No, I meant our family.

You know, which I consider you
a part of.

You wanna get engaged?

Peter was engaged once.

I don't know if you heard
about how that turned out.

Do you want a song
written about you?

And the worst part is,
I like the song, you know?

It's like an earworm.
It's got a very catchy hook.

Anyway, as a part
of the family,

I expect you to take
your job seriously.

Oh, I--I take it
really seriously.

I mean, I was literally
up all night

taking down the stupid picture,
like, over and over again.

What picture?

You could look at it
like this.

You're like Tom Sawyer getting
to see his own funeral, right?

'Cause I imagine a lot of--
a lot of old friends

reached out, and they
were happy to see

that you were alive.

So that must have
felt good, right?

No. Not really.

I mean, it was awful.

Like, my mom had a full
fuckin' panic attack.

Oof.
I'm sorry to hear that.

Dr. Rossi, can you
imagine being my mom?

You find out your son dies,
and then you go online

and you read the news, and
this is the picture they use?

Huh? Look at that.

Squinting like an idiot.

Right, but Pete,

this isn't really about
the photograph, right?

This is about a lack
of control over the situation.

I get really fuckin' mad
at things I can't control.

I get upset 'cause, you know,
I try to do nice things.

Like, I do
a climate change thing,

and I wanna feel good.

And then people online
are just like,

"Oh, Pete's a cokehead.
Pete's on coke."

You know, 'cause I move my jaw
when I get nervous.

And I wasn't even on coke,
you know?

That's why I get so upset.

If I was on coke,
I'd be like, wow, good job.

You--good eye, you know?

But I wasn't on coke,
you know what I'm saying?

Uh, right.
But Pete, are you on coke?

N-now? No.

Like, if you came to me like,
"Yo, did you--do you do coke?"

I'd be like, no.
But like,

if someone's like,
"You wanna do a bump?"

- I'd be like, yeah.
- Okay, okay.

- I am not on cocaine...
- Okay.

- Right now.

okay, as long as you're
not on it now.

Or too much.

Well, Pete, like, look--

People are gonna
attack public figures.

You know that they are.

They're not gonna stop, right?

And you don't lead
a quiet life, do you?

I'm, like, a sensitive guy.

And I've told people
how sensitive I am

and what I struggle with,

and yet,
they still fuck with me,

and I don't get it, you know?

It's--I'm sorry, man.

- This is stupid.
- No, it's not stupid.

My advice?

Stop actively looking
for things to upset you.

If you're gonna
keep going online

just to feel sorry
for yourself,

then whose problem is that,
Pete?

That's your problem, all right?

Don't blame
other people for that.

Take some control
over your life.

Yeah.

Yeah, take control.
Just don't go on the Internet.

Don't look at the picture.
Fuck the picture.

Just pretend
the photo doesn't exist.

Thanks, Dr. Rossi.

Nice to see you smiling, pal.

That makes me happy.

I got you penciled
in here, pal.

See you next week, buddy.

I want to major
in artificial meat.

But not, like,
the chemistry of it,

but, like,
the marketing of it.

Like, watch this.

The Unbelievaburger.

Yeah.

You guys are good
with computers, right?

Yeah, I guess.

How do you find out
who somebody is online?

Do you like, track their
IP address or something?

Oh, you don't need
to do any of that CIA shit.

Most people use the same
username for different sites.

So sometimes you can just,
like, follow the trail.

All right, can you help me
find ImAScatMan76?

This is what it's
all about, Peter.

Look how nice this is, huh?

Everything else in the
whole world is bullshit.

It's really nice. Thanks for
bringing me out here.

You're not supposed
to smoke here.

What?

You're not supposed
to smoke here.

What are you,
a fuckin' forest ranger?

This is the planet Earth, pal.

We're outside.

Don't you have a fuckin' job
or something to do

instead of breaking balls?

Get the fuck out of here.

Mind your fuckin' business.

Unbelievable.

What the fuck is that?
Are we on "Candid Camera"?

Did they bring that show back?

I've been meaning
to say something to you,

'cause you're acting
more and more mopey

all the time, like you're not
enjoying yourself or nothing.

- What's up?
- Yeah, I had a--

I had a weird week.

Because of
the fake death bullshit?

- Yeah.
- I mean, I'm actually dying,

- so I--
- No, I know. I'm sorry.

- I know.
- I didn't say it for that.

No, I know.
I just--it's not just that.

There's also this guy
that keeps

stalking me and harassing me,

and I don't know
what to do about it.

I could tell you
what to do about it.

We'll go get Roy,
and we'll go see this guy

and have a talk to him,
that's all.

Fuck, all right,
take it easy.

You can't just do that,
all right?

I'll get fuckin' sued.

Plus, I already talked
to my therapist about it.

He said it's just best
to leave it alone.

- Your therapist?
- Yeah.

You pay this fuckin' guy.
I can't believe it.

Someone has to listen.

He tells you just
forget about it.

You don't forget about it.

I just don't know why
people fuck with me, Pop.

Why won't they leave me alone?

- You don't know why?
- No.

Peter, look.
See that big dog over there?

- Yeah.
- Well, look at the little dog

yipping at him.

And the big dog's
doing nothing.

- You know why?
- 'Cause he's scared?

No, he's not scared.

He knows if he
lets out one roar,

he'll ruin that fuckin'
little puppy's day.

That thing will
fuckin' go scatter,

and he's liable
to have a heart attack.

He's gonna run like
a fuckin' rabbit.

You know what I mean, big dog?

Be the big dog.

Don't let people shit
on you and make you miserable.

I don't fucking like it.

Fight back, Peter.
Fight back.

You're a fighter.
It's in our blood.

You're right.
Fuck 'em. Fuck 'em.

I'm gonna fucking do
something about this.

I hope you do, Peter.

You're the best.
I love you.

- I'll see you later.
- Go kick ass.

- I will.
- My boy.

all: Ohh!

Ah, it's like real-life
"Fruit Ninja."

- Try the watermelon.

- Whoo!

All right.

Someone throw me
a fuckin' pumpkin.

- No!
- Whoa, whoa.

- No.
- Respect.

Hey, Dave, why don't you get
your Klingon sword?

All right.

Once again, Pete, this is
a glaive, not a bat'leth.

Have you ever
seen a titty before?

Oh, fuck.

What?

I think your mom might
have found Scatman.

Really? What?

Gimme the--gimme!

The fuck?

Dave, gimme your
Klingon sword!

- Shit. Shit.
- So you just

gave him the address?

We don't know anything
about this guy.

He could be a psychopath.

Yeah, but he just, like,
took my phone.

- Oh, so you just let him go?
- No, he was, like,

holding this sword,
and he was--

he was acting,
like, really intense.

And he had this, like,
insane look on his face.

What does that even mean?

Yeah, it was like--
like that.

Fucking Crillz.

Damn it.
Call me an Uber.

- Peter.
- Mom?

What are you doing here?
Are you tracking me?

What do you think I'm doing?
I'm getting you out of here.

Does Dave know you have
his Klingon sword?

It's a glaive,
and no, he doesn't.

Look, the guy who posts
the pictures lives here,

and I'm waiting for him.
He's not home yet.

Well, thank God for that.
You don't know this guy.

- What if he's dangerous?
- Da--

I'm fuckin' dangerous!

Yes, Peter.
You're very dangerous.

- Get in the car.
- I'm doing this.

Get in the fucking car!

All right.
Don't make a scene.

Jesus Christ.

I think we should go home.

No, we're waiting
till he gets back.

Why don't you just give
his name to your lawyers

- and let them deal with it?
- No, Ma.

I'm tired of people
doing this shit to me.

I need to see him.

How do you know
he's not on vacation?

I don't care.
I'll wait a fucking week, okay?

All right.
I will wait too.

You hungry?

Yeah, I could eat. Yeah.

If I'd known
we were doing a stakeout,

I would have bought
some sandwiches.

- Maybe there's a store

- I could walk to.
- No, I got it.

You want burritos?

You know, detective, I, uh--

I know you don't
like working with me

because I'm a young rookie cop
who doesn't play by the rules.

But just know,
I love what I do,

and I fuckin' get the job done.

I've seen a lot of things
on these streets.

I'm out here to protect people,
'cause that's my job.

- It's what we fucking do.
- It's what we do.

It's what we do.

Thank you.

So what do we do
when he gets home?

I don't know.
I figured I'd roll up on him

with, like, that weird sword,
and just see what happens.

You know,
when I read that story...

You know why it wrecked me?

Because I immediately
believed it.

It's like the thing
that you always knew

was gonna happen
had finally happened.

You can't imagine what it's
like to live like this, honey.

You--

do you have any idea how hard
it is to be your mother?

Ah! Ye, no!

Did I miss anything?
What happened?

No.

No, you're good.

Fuck.

Damn, it stinks in here.

I'm gonna throw
this stuff away.

Yeah.

Shit. It's showtime.

Hey!

Dr. Rossi?

Pete.

What, uh--
why are you at my home?

Are you--are you
"What About Bob"-ing me?

What--what is this?
This is--

- this is inappropriate, Pete.
- Inappro--

- you're the fuckin' Scatman?
- Whoa!

- It's you?
- Pete,

I think you're having
a manic paranoid episode,

and you're projecting
this onto me, okay?

That's bullshit.
How come the user

had an LLC agreement
attached to this address?

- The user--
- Okay, okay, fine!

- How come--how come you--
- Yes! Fine! Yes!

Bravo, Pete. Bravo.
You caught me.

Uh, congratulations.

Light up your pipe,
Sherlock Holmes,

'cause this one's in the books.

What is this?

Why--why do you have a glaive?
Have you come to kill me?

What are you doing, Pete?

I don't know, man.
I'm really fuckin' confused.

Why don't we go inside
and have a little chat

about this,
free of charge.

Put the weapon down,

and let's just have
a little chat.

Why would you do this to me?
You know how triggering

- and fucking traumatic this is?
- Look, Pete.

I thought you would have
figured this out by now,

but clearly, it's just not
getting through to you.

You don't see what this is?

I am helping you, Pete.

This is all part
of our treatment.

What are you talking about?

All this work you're doing.

You're obsessing over
this Wikipedia picture.

You know what that tells me,
Pete?

That tells me that you're
not doing very good at all.

I mean, Pete, this is just
my way of tracking you,

or controlling you, you know?

But, like,
I'm trying to keep tabs

on if you're making any
progress, and God damn it,

you have failed!

What kind of method is that?

What kind of therapy is that?

I don't have to
explain myself to you.

You sound like all
the rest of them.

They all say, oh, you're crazy.

Your methods are impractical,

inhumane, ineffective,
they won't work,

they're not, uh,
based in science.

And you know what I say?
Shut your--

shut your mouth,
you stupid Harvard asshole!

I'm not even a college-trained
therapist,

and I know more than you.

You don't have
a college degree?

What does that matter?

What, I have to have
a little plaque on my wall

for you to feel good?
Okay?

- Yeah!
- Okay, oh, so now you're--

you're fixating
on what other people have.

Oh, this guy's got
a nicer car than me.

This guy has an actual
professional therapist.

I gotta have what he has.

My goodness, we're gonna have

a lot to talk about
on Thursday, pal.

You don't think it's weird
that I pay a guy to talk about

a guy who's
fucking with my head,

- and it's the same fucking guy?
- Not at all.

Do you know what?
I'm gonna have to

have a whole other session
with you

to walk you through this.

Okay, how's your Tuesday?

I'm gonna pencil you in
for that.

- You're an idiot. I'm leaving.
- No, dude!

Oh, Pete, I get it, okay?

You're frustrated.
This is a lot to process.

So--uh, all right.

Well, I will pencil you in
for Tuesday, and we are good.

No, you're fired.

Not even on Thursday?

I'm never gonna
see you again.

I've already put you in,
so I'm gonna

have to charge you
if I cancel it now.

But I didn't make
the appointment!

It's less than 24 hours,
and that's just the rule.

- You're fired!
- Okay, Pete,

- is this about the photo?
- Yes!

Okay, I'll take
the stupid photo down, okay,

if you're so fixated on it,
all right?

But I'm not gonna
give up on you.

I don't quit
on my patients, Pete.

I don't give up on them.
Not until the day they die.

And they all die.
Most of them have.

Suicide, mostly.

Not all of them.

You're here.

Oh, my God.

You did the fake death
announcement, too, didn't you?

Well, I guess
we'll never know.

Fuck you, dude.

Unless you stop caring about
the things that don't matter!

Pete, all this time
and energy you've spent

focusing on this--

you could have
spent that focusing on

the things that are really
important to you, Pete.

What matters in
your life, Pete?

Amy, your mom?

Your mother?

Peter? Peter, where are you?
Oh, my God.

Fuck, you're good.

No shit, Pete.

I'll see you on Thursday?

Can you do Friday, actually?

I have a thing--I forgot,
I have a thing on Thursday.

I could do Zoom.
Do you do Zoom?

Zoom is fine.

I'll be in my car,
if that's not an issue.

- No, that's cool.
- Okay.

I'll see you then, bud.

All right.

- Pete.
- Yeah?

Don't forget your weapon.

Oh.

Yeah.

Oh, thank God.
There you are!

- What the fuck?
- Oh.

It's all over with now.
We can go.

What, did I miss it?
What happened?

Yeah, uh, I just decided

I'm not gonna waste time
getting so upset

over stuff like this.

Wow. All right.

That sounds very mature.

Yeah, and also,
this is, like, the first time

we've spent any time together
in, like, forever,

and I'd like to spend
more time with you.

- You know?
- I would love that, Peter.

- Watch the glaive.

Okay.

Hey, Ma, I, um--

I'm really sorry
about everything.

I--I can't imagine
what that's like.

But I--I promise I won't ever
let anything

like that happen, okay?

It's just, when I saw the
news on my phone, I realized,

like, that's how
it's gonna happen.

You know, that's how
I'm gonna find out.

And I--now I got that feeling,

and I can't seem to shake it.

Ma, Ma, I promise you,

I will never kill myself
until after you're dead.

- You mean it?
- I promise.

You'll never know.

Thank you, honey.

That's all I can ask for. Aw.

You know, this was one of
your dad's favorite songs.

Yeah, yeah, I remember

he used to sing it to us
all the time.

Pete, take a picture
with your sister.

Here, get your arms around her.
Look at me, guys.

Smile.

Now, don't squint, buddy.

You're way more handsome
with your eyes open.

Come on. Yeah.

There you go. What a stud, huh?

What a stud.