All language subtitles for the.marvelous.mrs.maisel.s02e04.720p.web.h264-skgtv

Boom, boom, boom, boom.

Boom, boom,
boom, boom.

Ethan, no!

These are not toys.

- They look like toys.
- They're not.

Go. Go. Get. Get. Go.

How is this a toy?

That's everything.
Thank you, Stewart.

Yes, thanks, guys.

Once again, you're our heroes.

Ah, the ever elusive
cabana jackets.

How many should we bring?

- Two each.
- Or three.

I've got one more
coming from Saks.

It's chinoiserie.
You're gonna love it.

Ooh. Bikinis.

You're doing the beauty contest
again, I assume.

I believe my public demands it.

So this year,
should I go classy?

Your Doris Day.

- Or risqué?
- Your Mamie Van Doren.

Will any other girl
bother to compete?

I wouldn't.

Bring them both,
just to be sure.

You can't bring everything!

Next is clamdiggers.

It's the Catskills; you can't
have too many clamdiggers.

Yes, you can.

What about picnic dresses?
We each have four.

- Should I bring them all?
- There may be four picnics.

Or you can wear the same picnic
dress to more than one picnic.

- Oh, Abe.
- Papa, you're too much.

Ladies, we've been over this.

The trailer has
163 cubic feet of space.

Do you understand?
There's finite capacity.

- Beach robes?
- We never wear them.

- I'll bring them anyway.
- Okay.

D-Did you see
what just happened there?

Papa, please do not micromanage
this. We have a system.

Your system is to bring
everything you own.

I'm not bringing this.

It's too late to change
the luggage we've chosen.

I've made
precisely scaled models.

Your little toys.

- They're not toys.
- They're cute.

They're cute, yes,
but they're not toys.

And right now,
after much effort,

all our tiny luggage
fits in our tiny trailer.

He's adorable when he talks
about these things.

Papa, we will do our best
to stick to 160 cubic feet.

- I promise.
- Good.

This way, I can create a plan

so that my boy Jimmy
at the resort knows

how to load it back up
at the end of our stay.

You got Jimmy as your boy
again this year?

I thought he couldn't come back.

Yeah, he thought he was doing
an internship at a big law firm,

but I made a couple of calls,
and now he's not.

Abe, you did not spoil
that young man's future

just so he can be your boy again
in the Catskills.

What? No.

I called and found out
he didn't get it.

I was heartbroken for him.

I wouldn't do that to Jimmy.
I love Jimmy.

- Mm-hmm.
- A little too much.

- Scale down, please.
- We're scaling. Go.

- Yes, go, Abe.
- I'm supposed to have lunch with a friend.

- Okay if I scoot?
- Ethan, no!

- Do not play with these toys.
- Sure, go. We'll finish later.

I didn't mean toys.
They're not toys.

- I won't be long. Thank you, Zelda.
- It was a misnomer.

You know what a misnomer is.

No, no. Don't play dumb.

These club owners call me back
in a flash.

Sometimes I hear 'em yell,
"Take a message,"

and when they hear it's me on
the phone, they take the call.

- That's respect.
- For me. I mean, look at me.

- They're respecting me.
- I'm looking at you.

Alone, I am a spittoon;
with you, I'm a somebody.

That's not true, Susie.
They respect you

because they fear you;
you're great at what you do.

Mm, half of them
respect me, maybe.

The other half want to get
in your pants.

- Oh, stop.
- It's gonna happen. I mean, look at you.

It's like a dollop of
whipped cream grew a head.

Just don't undercut yourself;
that's all I'm saying.

So you called this lunch.
What do you want to talk about?

I just wanted to touch base
before I go to the Catskills.

- We leave tomorrow.
- Cool.

God, it's gonna be so nice
to have a break.

This past year has been tough.
They're leaving.

Hurry, hurry.

We're switching tables, Verla!

Oh, here.

- What's this?
- Gigs.

My typewriter lost its "S."

That's why it says
"Aturday," "Unday."

You went to college;
you can figure it out.

These are all in
the next two weeks.

- So?
- I'm going to the Catskills.

- Yeah, you said.
- So I can't do these.

I'm going to the Catskills.

First one's not till
a week after next.

But I'm going to the Catskills.

Yeah, your record's skippin',
Missy. Get to the point.

I'm going to the Catskills
for two months.

- Wha...?
- Geez, I almost did a spit take.

Almost? That was
a fucking spit take.

You're going to the Catskills
for two months?

I told you a million times
I was going to the Catskills.

Yeah, but I figured
it was five days, tops,

not two fucking months.

I think you got the guy
in back of me, too.

What the hell do you do up there
for two months?

- Lots of things.
- What things?

You look at a tree,
you go to bed,

you get up, you look at a tree.

You gonna do that
for two straight months?

What the fuck is going on
up there?

There's activities.
We go boating, we sunbathe.

What do you do for the summer?

I stay here. And I sweat.
And I smell like a bum.

And I'm miserable,
and I want to kill people.

And I do that till it gets cold.

But the whole city
empties out in summer.

Why the hell are we having lunch
if not to figure out

our game plan for
the next two months?

I don't know, I just...
wanted to say good-bye.

Say good-bye,
like we're friends?

- Yes.
- Oh, my God.

How many times
do I have to say this?

We are coworkers, not friends.
Want some proof?

Look, no friendship ring.
Case closed.

- Okay, okay.
- And I would like you

to start treating me
more professionally.

Like keeping me in the loop.

I mean, two months away
is gonna kill our momentum.

A heads-up would've been nice.

I'm sorry. I thought
I gave you a heads-up.

- Yeah, yeah.
- There you go, ladies.

- What is that?
- Nothing.

Miriam.

What is it?

It's a ring.

- Holy fuck.
- But it is not a friendship ring.

Eat your sandwich.

It's just a ring
I saw at the store.

It was on sale.
I thought you would like it.

- Two months.
- Plus, I get a 20% discount.

- It's not that big a deal.
- Eat, eat.

- Is it gold or silver?
- What?

The ring, is it gold or silver?

Silver. You don't seem
like a gold person.

I'll take a look at it.

Later.

I can take it back.

Two months.

Everything's gonna fit!
My miniatures were spot on.

- I still got it!
- Good for you, Abe!

Let's go.
We want to beat the traffic.

Such a beautiful day
for a drive.

Where's the baby?

I've got the baby, Miriam.

- Hurry, Mommy!
- Don't run, Ethan.

Good-bye, Zelda.
We'll miss you.

I'll miss you, too, Miss Miriam.

We're going to the Catskills!

♪ Let's take a trip
in a trailer ♪

♪ No need to come back at all ♪

♪ Oh, let's take a powder ♪

♪ To Boston for chowder ♪

♪ Let's get away from it all ♪

- ♪ Let's go again to Niagara ♪
- ♪ Do-do-do ♪

♪ This time we'll look
at the falls ♪

- ♪ Do-do-do-do-do ♪
- ♪ Oh, let's get away ♪

♪ From it all... ♪

♪ Let's get away from it all. ♪

Mr. Weissman!

Oh, you look thin.

Hello, Pauly.
How have you been?

Can't complain. Ladies!

Welcome back to Steiner Mountain Resort.

- Your home away from home.
- Hi, Pauly.

Oh, good to see you, Pauly.

It's your 27th year in a row,
I believe.

Your stats are correct,
dear sir.

Oh, smell that mountain air.
Invigorating.

There's plenty more
where that came from.

Oh, here's Kent. He'll be
your kid camp coordinator.

His name's actually David,

but we wanted to keep
the K-sound thing.

- Uh-huh.
- Hi, everybody.

- Hi, Kent.
- Hi, Ethan.

It's potty and playtime.
You ready to go?

Yeah!

We'll take him from here.
Let's go!

- Come on inside, gang.
- Bye, Mommy!

- Let's get you all settled in.
- All right.

Run, everybody, run!

I'm assuming you worked up
a thirst on your journey,

- Mr. Weissman?
- That I did.

Our signature Steiner
tomato juice.

Homemade and frosted
to perfection.

I've been hankering for it
since August.

- Ah.
- Mm.

It's the very taste
of vacation.

- Ah.
- Mr. Weissman.

We have you in your usual
cottage by the lake.

If I could just get you to sign
a couple of forms for me.

Ooh, with blood or a pen?

Mr. Weissman, you should be
on the stage.

- A pen will do.
- Ah.

And keep the pen.

Three-legged race.

- You're on.
- Good-bye, ladies.

- Hello, Midge.
- Gabi. Good to see you.

- How are the kids?
- Happy and healthy.

And how far along
in the process are you?

- The process?
- With him.

Joel?

Oh, well, it's all kind of new,
and we're still figuring it out.

He'll actually be up here
later today.

- Really?
- Yeah.

Why?

Well, the kids are his,
and he likes them,

so he'll be coming back
and forth from the city.

How modern.

So I'll see you two ladies
at the salon?

- Yes, you will.
- Mm-hmm.

Good-bye, Gabi.

Oh, God.
Is this what it's gonna be?

Grr.

- There you go.
- Okay.

Now that you're all signed in,
let me introduce you

to your boy for the summer,
Mr. Weissman.

Oh, well, no introduction
necessary.

- I raised Jimmy from a pup.
- Oh, it's not Jimmy.

This is Samuel.
He's one of my best young boys.

What happened to Jimmy?

Good news.
There were some stumbles,

but he was finally accepted
to the internship he wanted.

- Isn't that great?
- But I...

Good for Jimmy.

I'm at your service,
Mr. Weissman.

Your hand is wet.

Attention, guests.

Just a reminder that orientation
in the main hall

is one hour away; see you there.

You know the way, friends.

Bring everything in the trailer,

and there's a couple of things
in the trunk.

There's a baby in the backseat,
Mr. Weissman.

Bring that, too!

Right.

Ah, that beautiful lake!

- Good morning.
- Ah, gentlemen.

- I'll take this one.
- I'm right here, Mr. Weissman.

Whew! It needs
to air out a little.

Come on, guys. Hustle, hustle.

All the furniture's
in the wrong place.

- We'll move it around.
- I left a diagram

- for them last time.
- Well, they know how we like it.

- It should've been ready.
- Those go to

the second bedroom!
The one on the left.

The screen door needs adjusting.

I can do that for you, sir.

Or someone from the proper
department can fix this, Jimmy.

- It needs to be done right.
- Sorry, I meant right, not left.

- Right. Right.
- Right. Right.

Abe, make sure the windows
are open upstairs.

- Right, got it.
- There's no room for this.

Just wedge it in,
then move that piece over here.

No, no, don't put it
on the couch.

There's new carpeting
on the stairs.

Put it back, guys.
We've got to figure this out.

I've already figured this out.

You just put the couch
on the chair.

- This is more luggage than last year.
- It's way more.

Oh, beautiful day.

The luggage is piling up
in the kitchen.

Oh, watch the lamp!
Watch the lamp!

- Was this tree here last year?
- Which tree?

- I think it was there, Papa.
- I don't remember

- this big tree being there.
- Oh, there's an extra chair in here.

Can I help you
with the tree, Mr. Weissman?

How could you possibly
help me with the tree?

Explain yourself.

Ah, I forgot Esther's doll.

- Which one?
- Betsy Wetsy. I knew I forgot something.

We'll have Jimmy run out
for a new doll.

That'll wet itself?
It has to wet itself.

What's the couch doing outside?

- It's just temporary!
- Oh, Midge.

- It'll get dirty out here.
- Oh, sorry about Joel, Midge.

- It's okay, Eliana.
- Are you devastated? - Fresh tomato juice, sir?

You were getting luggage; now
you're bringing me tomato juice?

Oh, good, good,
you should move on. Such a cad.

There's one too many
cooks in the kitchen.

There's a cook in the kitchen?

- Watch out!
- Oh! -

- Jimmy!
- There's tomato juice everywhere!

- I'll get a mop!
- Oh, Abe.

- Where's the towel?
- We need some help here.

And he forgot the baby.
Jimmy, bring a mop and the baby.

- Why is the couch outside?
- I don't know.

I think the layout
in there works.

I think it works, too.

And I think it's exactly the way
it was when we got here.

- But I think we've proven that it's right.
- Mm.

- All situated, ladies?
- Yes, Pauly, thank you.

Abe's upstairs.
I'll get him for you.

Abe!

Actually, I'm here
to talk to Miriam.

- Mind if I sit?
- No. Pauly, please.

Carl Finger. Paging Carl Finger.

Not an emergency, but not
not an emergency, either.

Now, orientation is
in a few minutes,

- so I don't want to keep you long.
- Sure. What's up?

It's about
the swimsuit competition.

- Mm, the Mrs. Steiner Pageant?
- What about it?

We're all aware
of your record, Miriam.

Eight wins in a row
in three different categories.

And you get lovelier every year,
just like your mother.

- Oh.
- But this year, I think we have

a new and exciting
proposition for you.

- Fun. What is it?
- Sash girl.

Sash girl?

But the sash girl
doesn't compete.

She just hands the sash
to the winner.

- That's right.
- But what if I win?

I hand the sash to myself?

The photograph
will look ridiculous.

Look, you've competed as a teen,

as an ingénue, and in
the Mrs. Steiner Pageant

these past four years, but
this year, we're hard-pressed

to make the argument that
you are any of those things.

Not after the recent change
in your situation.

But I'm technically
still married.

Yes, but the Mrs. Steiner
Swimsuit Pageant winner

is always accompanied
by her husband.

And having him there with you...
might cast a pall.

- I see.
- But of course we want you there,

and that's why
we'd like you to enjoy the honor

of handing the sash
to this year's winner.

But what about
the weird old lady

who always hands out the sash?

That would be my grandmother.

Sorry.
Won't she be disappointed?

- She passed.
- So I guess she won't mind.

I appreciate your understanding.

And on the bright side,

you're free to load up
on rice pudding tonight.

See you at orientation.

Hershey?

I just got kicked out
of the swimsuit pageant.

That does it.

You're definitely wearing
the Mamie Van Doren.

Paging Leon Zigglestein.

Please come get your wallet
at the front desk.

Mr. Leon Zigglestein.

Ah.

Let's all grab seats, everybody.

We'll begin here in a minute.

Miriam Maisel.

Alya Feinburg, good to see you.

- You, too.
- And how's Marv?

Uh, I can't get him off
the links.

A widow to golf,
and yet so young.

I thought we should touch base
about this thing with Joel.

- All right.
- The four of us have spent

so much time together up here,
playing charades,

the bowling team,
all the stuff friends do.

- Yes?
- Well, Marv and I

discussed it,

and we were pretty much
in agreement that

he's actually a better friend
of Joel's than I am of yours.

- Okay. I get it.
- So...

We'll still run into each other.

Buffet line, bathroom.

- I'm glad you understand.
- Mm-hmm.

So are you changing your name?

- To Zippy Maisel.
- Really?

- No.
- You're fun.

- Just not as fun as Joel.
- Bye.

All right, here we go.

- Good afternoon, my beauties!
- Hi, Pauly!

Now, most of you know me,
but for those who don't,

I'm Pauly Auerbach, just
beginning my 18th fabulous year

as your Steiner
executive director.

And, oh, boy,
I'm gonna have a heart attack

from all the exciting activities

we got planned
for you this season!

Now, each of you

will find a Steiner newsletter
under your seat,

Issue Number One for 1959.

And if you think
you notice a fun new font,

you're not wrong. Good eye.

Oh, finally!
I hated the old font, hated it.

In it is a map of the property,

some things you need to know,
and of course

a list of upcoming activities
for the week.

And here's hoping
that our returning guests

will take all you newcomers
under their wing

to give them
the lay of the land,

and to show them what's mud
and what's bear bleep.

Now, there is a young man here

that a lot of you already
know and love,

our entertainment director,
Buzz Goldberg.

Come on up
and take the mic, Buzz.

Hello, Steinerites!
How's everybody doing?

You all may not have met me,
but you know what I do:

I manufacture fun.

And it seems like I could
whip up a little right now.

What do you say?

Hey, now, what are all these
employees doing standing around?

Get on up here
and help me lead the group

in the "Steiner Resort
Welcome Song."

One, two, three, four.

♪ Nothing could be finer ♪

♪ Than to spend the day
at Steiner in the summer ♪

Ah, you remember it!

♪ Nothing much convinces like
the taste of Steiner blintzes ♪

♪ In the summer ♪

Just the girls now.

♪ Play all day
and dance all night ♪

- Now the boys.
- ♪ All us happy Israelites... ♪

Oh, boy. Looks like
we have a note challenge.

- Note challenge!
- The resort record

for holding that last note
is 42 seconds.

Let's see how he does, folks.

I hit some traffic.
Did I miss the bear shit joke?

- Yes, you did.
- Ah, hell.

This guy's an amateur.

♪...ites. ♪

Ah, not a record,
but a heck of an effort.

Good try, Josh.

♪ So skip the luxury liner ♪

♪ To enjoy a schvitz at Steiner
in the summer. ♪

Steiner! Steiner!

Steiner!

We're finer! Finer! Finer!

- How's it going here since you arrived?
- Steiner. Steiner.

Fine, I guess.

- Anybody mention anything about...?
- Us? Oh, yeah.

Me, too.

I was here ten minutes, and
I got corralled by three people.

I've gotten it all day.

They even kicked me
out of the swimsuit pageant

'cause I'm no longer a missus.

- What?
- I get to be sash girl.

But sash girl
just hands out the sash.

Pauly has spoken.

Steiner!

Good job!
Applaud yourselves, everyone!

Anything I can get for you,
Mr. Weissman?

Thank you, Buzz. Great job.

You'll never be Jimmy.

Now, friends, last year
there was some kvetching

that the resort was short
on certain recreation equipment.

Well, listen to me
and listen to me carefully.

This year,
there will be more hula hoops.

- Yeah!
- There will be

more floaties.

And there will be more balls!

Nothing to see here, Asher!

On a happier note,

let's wish all our newlyweds
mazel tov, yes?

Some of whom met right here
at Steiner Mountain Resort

and made a blessed,
lifelong commitment.

Are you kidding me?

There's Izzy and Enid Schulburg.

Neil and Phyllis Cohen.

And Allie and Taavi Applebaum,
who met playing shuffleboard.

To all our happy couples,
may you have life, luck,

and lots
of little Steinerites!

What are you doing?

Hey, Steiner guests,
can I get your attention?

Sorry, Pauly.
This'll just take a second.

Most of you know me.
Joel Maisel.

And an awful lot of you
are staring at me. And Midge.

Now, you know
what happened to us.

We're separated, okay?
But we're still close.

Our families are close.

And we love our kids,
and they both love us,

so everything's fine.

Really, there's nothing
to stare at here.

You can still be friends
with me, or not.

And you can still be friends
with Midge, or not.

It's up to you.

And, Pauly, shame on you
for not letting Midge

in the Mrs. Steiner
Swimsuit Pageant.

She's eight years a champion
and a huge draw,

and every $25 award she won,

she donated to an orphans home
in the Bronx.

So this year, thanks to you,
some orphans are going hungry.

So we're clear? Yes?

Good.

So, have fun, everybody.
See you dockside.

Always expect the unexpected

here at Steiner Mountain Resort.

Well, you know
what I always say.

Abi gezunt!

- Everybody! Abi?
- Gezunt!

Well, that's all that's on the docket, everybody.

So enjoy your summer,
enjoy your stay,

because before you know it,
it'll be over.

I'll see you tonight.

Steinerites,
the pool is now open.

Remember, we have
our salon appointments later.

- I will be there.
- Mm-hmm.

- So what building are you in?
- Hmm?

What building?
Are you north side, south side?

- Oh, shit.
- What?

- I don't have a room.
- You don't have a room?

I'm always in the cottage
with you and your parents,

so it didn't even
occur to me to book one.

Still getting used
to some things, I guess.

Well, go see if they have
something available.

I heard people talking.
There's a gigantic waiting list.

Such an idiot.
Guess I'll go back.

Don't go back.
You just got here.

I could throw myself
on the mercy of Pauly,

but I don't think he's
my closest friend right now.

Look, just stay on our sun porch
till you figure it out.

Really?

Ethan can sleep out there
with you. He'll love it.

Will your parents love it?

They'll be fine.
I'll make it fine.

Okay. Thanks.

Attention, guests.

Tonight's vodka
and latke mixer will be

in the rec room at 8:00 p.m.

The ladies just headed out
to the salon.

Yeah, Rose told me that was
where they were heading.

Abe... I promise
I won't be in your way.

I'll store my stuff
under the staircase.

You'll never see it.
You'll hardly know I'm here.

It's fine, Joel.

Sorry, with everything going on,

booking a room
just slipped my mind.

Ah, it's fine, really.

A room will open up soon enough.

Anything else?

Look, Joel,
up here in the mountains,

I do...
different kinds of things.

You drink a lot of tomato juice.

Not just the tomato juice.
I have a morning routine.

Every day, before the sun's up,
when everyone's asleep,

I do my special
outdoor calisthenics.

I didn't know that.

And I wear special clothing.

And now that you're down here,

you're bound to see me
when I head out.

- Special clothing?
- A romper, Joel.

- I wear a romper.
- What's a romper?

It's a one-piece
exercise outfit.

Oh.

Very tight-fitting,
and no one has seen me in it,

not even Rose.

But now, you may see me in it.

You should be prepared.

Okay.

Anything else?

I'm wondering if I should
put it on and show it to you.

- Oh, no, Abe, no.
- Just so we can get beyond it.

I really don't think
that's necessary.

- You haven't seen it.
- I sleep very deeply.

Really, don't even
think about me.

Okay. I'll try not to.

Ladies,
Chef Seymour Silver invites you

to join him
in the trailside lounge

at 2:15 for
a garniture demonstration.

That's 2:15
in the trailside lounge.

You know, he hypnotized her
at the mesmerism show last year,

and to this day, she still
clucks like a chicken

- when you clap your hands.
- No.

All that clucking at orientation,

that was Lottie Friedman.

I'll give her this,
she clucks on the beat.

Oh, you see Saul over there?

- Oh, dear.
- You know, his wife died.

Yes, a tragedy.

Well, she's not dead
three months

when he turns around
and marries her kid sister.

Joanie?

But the man is still
on the prowl; look at him.

At the "End of Summer" soirée
last year,

he danced with Leah Bernstein.

And when he pressed
up against her,

she could feel his excitement.

Oh, kind of wishing
you hadn't said that.

It may have been a pocketknife.

Yes, a pocketknife!

Well, I'll see you two tonight.

My God, you look like sisters.

- If only. See you tonight, Edie.
- Bye, Edie.

Let's get you
to the dryers, ladies.

Mama, thanks for letting Joel
stay with us for a few nights.

He got stuck, and I want him
to see the kids.

Oh, it was fine.

I'll get you some lemonade.

It was very nice what he did
at the orientation.

Surprisingly manly.

Let's hope it stops
all this silliness.

From your lips.

Relationships should be private.

- Don't you think?
- Amen.

So, are you dating?

- What?
- Are you dating?

What's your dating life?
I know nothing.

I guess my dating life
doesn't get to be private.

You're just out late so often,
what else would it be?

Well, as a matter of fact, yes,
I am dating a little bit.

Anyone I know?
Anyone from the neighborhood?

No, I'm kind of just
getting around.

I mean, not "getting around."

It's just that I'm not being
geographically snobby.

- You know?
- I guess.

I'm kind of hitting
all five boroughs.

Well, that doesn't seem right.

Don't your friends have anyone
to set you up with?

- Nope.
- Not even that little blonde thing

that talks all high and chirpy?

Imogene. Nope, all her friends
are Gentiles.

Oh. Well, tell me about these
Jewish men you're seeing,

like that man that gave you
the fur coat.

- Fur coat?
- You wore it to synagogue last year.

- What is he, a furrier?
- No, a trapper.

But it was a short-lived thing.

He was a little
Paul Bunyan for my taste.

- You dated a trapper?
- And a cab driver.

- You didn't.
- And a carny.

I actually met the carny,
oddly enough,

because the date with
the cab driver was so awful

I told him to let me
out of the car,

and we were in Coney Island,
and I got out,

and there was the carny.

- My God.
- So he and I had a drink.

And it was nice.
And he introduced me

to his sister,
Koo Koo the Bird Girl,

but I thought,
"Where could this go?"

Koo Koo was nice,
but I don't want to end up

living in a circus tent.

- Is this a joke?
- It's the truth.

Are you intimate
with any of these men?

Oh, no, it hasn't gotten
that far.

- But, Miriam, when...
- Mm, sorry, Mama.

If I don't start now,
my hair will never dry,

and I'll be late picking up
Esther from the sitter.

Pick it up, Goldie.

I'm glad we talked, though.
It's been weighing on me.

Okay, but I'm gonna keep on the lookout for you. Okay?

- What?
- I'm gonna be on the lookout for a man.

Fine.

♪ The way you hold your knife ♪

♪ The way we danced till 3:00 ♪

♪ The way you changed my life ♪

♪ No, no, they can't
take that away from me ♪

♪ No, they can't
take that away... ♪

What are you doing, Papa?

Yes, Abe, please tell me
you didn't bring homework.

This is my Catskills
alcohol-consumption index.

I drink more up here,
but I've devised a system

to keep from getting tipsy.

Takes into account
food consumption, time frame,

total alcohol intake.

Here, verify this for me.

a Napoleon, 7:30.

Napoleon reported for duty
at 7:30. Check.

a Tom Collins, 8:15.

Tom Collins made the list
at 8:15.

Now it's 9:15,

and I'm just finishing
my gin rickey

with absolutely no sign
of "abbleebliation."

I'm sorry. No sign of what?

"Abeebalation."
Why is that so hard to say?

Because you are totally
"abeebalated."

♪ Can't take that away ♪

♪ From me. ♪

Ken Washington and his Swinging
Lamplighters, everybody.

Making their ninth
annual appearance

at Steiner Mountain Resort.

Hope everybody enjoyed
the sheet cake for dessert.

I know I did.

I didn't think it tasted
like sheet at all.

- - So corny.
- And how.

That's hysterical.

So, now put on
your dancing shoes

and get ready to swing
with Ken and the band.

Ken, what do you say, daddio?

Do what you do so well.

Hold it. Hey, hold it.

Ken starts playing
and folks start dancing?

It's too easy, no?

No, tradition calls
for having a little fun

with the first dance,
right, everybody?

- Dance challenge.
- Dance challenge.

- Get up, get up, get up.
- That's right.

It's time for a dance challenge.

you don't dance

unless you find a partner
that has...

wait for it...

wait for it...

- wait for it...
- Tell us already, farty!

Uh, here it is:

your dance partner must have...

first and last initials
that match your own.

Otherwise, you don't dance.

An "Initial Dance."

- Are you ready?
- Yes!

Then let
the Initial Dance begin!

- - Ooh, M.M.
- M.M.

- Marvin Mueller.
- No, Mitzi Mossberg has already grabbed him.

Ooh, damn. Who else, who else?

Menashe Morgenstein. Where's he?

- Oh, on a kibbutz.
- Fucker.

- Dance with Sheldon Babiatz.
- No, not the concept, Papa.

Shoot, they're going fast.

Ooh, Marty Micklestein,
12 o'clock.

His name's not Marty,
it's Buddy.

No, his name's Marty,
but everybody calls him Buddy.

That's why he's still available.
Go, go!

Damn you, Molly Mencher.

Ah! Michael Mussbaum, right?

It's Nussbaum.

Morty Mermelstein.

Oh, excuse me. Coming through.

Ah! Sorry, Malca.

Okay, Morty,
let's see what you got.

Gorgeous, everybody.

Now let's mix it up a little.

Guys, cut in and dance
with the beauty of your choice.

It was a pleasure, Morty.

Whoa! Too close?

Uh, any closer, I'd be
on the other side of you.

Yeah. So, did you hear
I married Aunt Joan?

My kids call her Aunt Joan.
I just call her Joan.

Mazel tov, Saul.

Oh, hey, Feivish.

- What's wrong?
- Do you know Marnie?

The cutie from Canarsie? Sure.

She won't even look at me
no matter what I do.

- And what are you doing?
- Nothing.

Oh, Feivish.
What am I gonna do with you?

Talk to her? Be the go-between?

It's a big mitzvah
to make a shidduch.

- Let me see what I can do.
- Thanks, Miriam.

Oh.

Oh, look at you.

- You're a dervish.
- Mr. Fuchtwanger.

Back for another go-around
at Steiner, huh?

What's the Steiner
Daily Newsletter

without its resident
gossip columnist?

- Mm.
- You ready? Blind item.

- Hit me with it.
- What doyenne of Brooklyn Heights

still bears the scars
of recent breast augmentation?

- No idea.
- Nellie Abromowitz.

It was a blind item.
You weren't supposed to say.

I'm such a bitch!

Oh, been there, done that.
Sorry, Morty.

Ooh, Marnie, you know
Feivish Feldstein, right?

- A little.
- He likes you, a lot.

- He never looks at me.
- He's young and shy

and a little stupid,
but he's sweet,

and he's pining for you,
and right now he's propped

against a pillar pretending
not to stare at you.

- Give him a shot?
- Here goes nothing.

Ooh, kiddo,
your palms really do get wet.

Could you do me a favor,
Mrs. Maisel?

Could you put in a good word
for me with your father?

- I'll do what I can, Samuel.
- Just tell him

that the scuff
on his suitcase was there

before I picked it up, I swear.

- I will.
- I checked it against the miniatures.

- I'll do what I can.
- Thank you, ma'am.

Ooh, that makes me sound old.

- Ooh, some pocketknife.
- Just heard you'd been banned

from the swimsuit pageant,
Miriam.

Word travels fast.

Golly, I'm gonna miss seeing you
in your bikini.

Time to go back
to Aunt Joan, Saul.

- Oh.
- Hi.

Well, hello there.

Thought we'd confuse the hell
out of everybody.

Let's do it.

♪ I stand at your gate ♪

♪ And the song that I sing
is of moonlight ♪

♪ I stand and I wait ♪

♪ For the touch of your hand ♪

♪ In the June night ♪

♪ The roses are sighing ♪

♪ A moonlight serenade... ♪

♪ He always sings ♪

♪ Raggedy music to the cattle
as he swings... ♪

I'm in no condition to drive.

Luckily, you don't
have to drive tonight, Abe.

The state of New York
will thank us for that.

♪ Back and forward
in the saddle on his horse ♪

- ♪ A pretty good horse ♪
- Thanks, Midge.

♪ With syncopated gait... ♪

♪ Touch down every morning,
ten times ♪

♪ Not just now and then ♪

♪ Give that chicken fat
back to the chicken ♪

♪ And don't be chicken again ♪

♪ No, don't be
chicken again ♪

♪ Ready ♪

- ♪ Touch down, up, down ♪
- ♪ Touch down every morning ♪

♪ Ten times, hut, four ♪
- ♪ Not just now and then ♪

- ♪ Hut, five, hut ♪
- ♪ Give that chicken fat ♪

- ♪ Six, hut ♪
- ♪ Back to the chicken ♪

- ♪ Seven, hut, eight ♪
- ♪ And don't be chicken again ♪

- ♪ Hut, nine, hut ♪
- ♪ No, don't be chicken a... ♪

♪ Beautiful girl ♪

♪ You're a lovely picture ♪

♪ Beautiful girl ♪

♪ You're a gorgeous mixture ♪

♪ Of all that lies ♪

♪ Under the big, blue skies ♪

♪ My heart cries ♪

♪ Beautiful girl ♪

♪ You're a dazzling eyeful... ♪

It's a competitive field
this year, people.

Every bathing beauty before you
is a potential winner,

but only one walks away
with the $25 prize.

Each husband as proud
as the next.

Each contestant beautifully
representing Steiner Resort.

And this year, the winner
of the Mrs. Steiner

Swimsuit Pageant is...

Talia Goldstein.

Oh, my gosh! Oh, my gosh!

♪ Beautiful girl. ♪

Wrong girl.

Thanks for coming, everyone.

Don't forget, the Miss Ingénue
Pageant happens at 3:00.

When we say the scenery's
lovely here,

we're not kidding.

See you then.

A bunch of us are gonna
sunbathe, Miriam. Want to join?

Sure. Just let me
grab my magazines.

I left 'em all in the car.

- See you in a bit.
- Mm-hmm.

- Hi, Frieda. Nice to see you.
- Hey, Midge.

- Susie?
- What the fuck are you wearing?

What the hell
are you doing here?

My question first.

It's my Mamie Van Doren.

You constantly astonish me.

I repeat,
what are you doing here?

Well, my star/only client
decides to go off

and spend the fucking summer
up in the land

of canoes and knishes,

and I couldn't just
let things stop, so I came up

to look for a gig
for you up here

on the off chance...

I ate a bug.

- Happens a lot.
- Ugh!

It's in my throat.
It's still moving.

Susie, I can't play gigs up
here, okay? Everybody knows me.

Don't worry, there's
hundreds of places up here.

A lot of them are shit,
but some of them have

pretty good rooms;
that's what I'm aiming for.

But how would I do this?
I'm here on vacation.

You'll slip out,
just like you've been doing

for most of the year...
no big deal.

Oh. Well... you got any leads?

Friends at the
Stage Deli are lending a hand.

It's not easy breaking through,
but I'm trying.

- What is that?
- Ah.

It's my ticket in, sister.

My magic pass
to this godforsaken place.

- How so?
- All I have to do is

walk around holding this thing,
everyone thinks I work here.

- It's genius.
- But how will you eat?

- Where are you staying?
- Let me worry about that.

You just wait for my call.
Be ready.

- I'll be ready.
- And if I don't book you,

at the very least,
I'll have made...

Ugh! Shit!
I ate another bug.

- Go get something to drink.
- Ah!

It's mating with the other one.

- Really, a little bit of water.
- God, I hate nature.

They never found the body.

They did too
find Glenn Miller's body.

- No!
- Yeah!

He was still holding
his trombone.

Did you see that
Tony Curtis said that

kissing Marilyn Monroe
was like kissing Hitler?

Kissing Hitler?
How would Tony Curtis know

what kissing Hitler was like?

I don't know.
He said it, not me.

He had such thin lips.

- Tony Curtis?
- Adolf Hitler.

His lips were almost
nonexistent.

Maybe that's why he was
so angry, do you think?

I don't like thinking
about that man; he was awful.

Speaking of awful, did you see

Gladys has a hair appointment
on Tuesday?

But her husband's a weekender.
He won't be here till Friday.

Oh? Who's she getting all
dolled up for if not for him?

She's been playing
an awful lot of tennis lately.

- The tennis pro?
- You said it, not me.

I'm getting tired of people
hopping around from bed to bed.

Tony Curtis, Gladys Lipschitz.

Stay in one place.
It's exhausting.

Oh, please. If my son
would just stay with a girl

for more than two dates,
I'd plotz.

- Benjamin?
- No one is good enough for him.

Lovely girls from good families.
They cook. They're sweet as pie.

They don't laugh too loud
or talk too loud.

"They're too normal," he says.
"They're boring."

Boring? What's that?

All my friends
have grandchildren,

and here I am with nothing
on the horizon.

And he's such a catch.
A doctor, handsome.

He's so handsome.

But he says he wants
someone interesting,

someone unique...
get this, someone weird.

Weird!

I've got the perfect girl
for him.

Mink is the ultimate way
for your husband

to say, "I love you."

It's the most popular fur
and will last for years.

Very durable.

Raccoon fur is similar to mink
in that it's durable,

and the color scheme is unique
and stands out in a crowd.

Note this, ladies:
it is better to buy

a luxurious raccoon
than a poor-quality mink.

Now, let's talk about
coordinating muffs.

Your grandmother
called them "mufflers,"

but, ladies, this is not
your grandmother's muff.

- Hey!
- Yeah?

Don't be picking off my plates.

Employee mess is
around the corner.

- Grab what you want.
- Thanks.

You in plumbing?

- Uh, yeah.
- Need a bunk?

- Yes, I do.
- That one's free.

- Huh?
- Yeah.

Long day?

Uh, plunged my ass off.

Okay, well, I thought spotting
that rose-breasted grosbeak

would be the highlight
of our day, but I was wrong.

That's the Bicknell thrush.

And, folks,
this is a rare opportunity

to hear
its beautiful morning song.

Let's listen.

He's an accomplished surgeon.

Lenox Hill. First in his class
at Johns Hopkins.

Had his choice of residencies
at any hospital he chose.

He's already invented
new surgical techniques

that have become
the worldwide standard,

which is a remarkable feat
for such a young man.

He's widely published
in medical journals.

Now, I know he sounds
a little oddball

on the surface,
but he's just eclectic.

That's often a symbol
of accomplishment.

John Quincy Adams
kept an alligator as a pet.

And Benjamin Franklin
took naked air baths.

Did you know that?

I wonder if Ida's son
was named after him.

Oh, that's his name, Benjamin.
Do you like the name Benjamin?

He's never rented.

He originally lived
in Sutton Place...

had a beautiful view
of the bridge.

But as close as it was
to his practice,

he still found it to be too far.

His patients
are everything to him,

so he sold the place at a loss.
Can you imagine that?

He bought a duplex
just a block from the hospital.

It has views,
but not of the bridge.

So they went out
about two hours ago?

Yes, they do this every day.

They swim,
they leave all their stuff.

This is my sister's purse.

She doesn't go anywhere
without her purse.

Look, they could've swum
to another spot on the lake

and are taking their time
to walk back.

- Not without telling me.
- Or...

Kyle, get to the office,
find Pauly, and fill him in.

- We need boats on the water. Go!
- On it!

Tell them to call
every resort on the lake

within a five-mile radius!
This is a red flag alert.

He loves the opera.

I know, I know, you're not
the biggest opera fan.

But the spectacle alone
is entertaining,

so you should give it a chance.

The sets are sensational.

And, yes, sopranos
can be very annoying,

but the orchestra is wonderful.

He loves Puccini.

Red flag alert.

I repeat, red flag alert.

Joel...

you saw me in my romper,
didn't you?

Yeah.

Fifteen two, fifteen four,

fifteen six and a pair is eight.

Not your lucky day, Golda.

- Benjamin, right?
- I'm sorry?

- Ida's son?
- That's the rumor.

- Get up.
- What?

We are going to do
something together.

The sooner the better. Get up.

- I'm a million steps behind.
- I'm Miriam Maisel.

You say that
like I should know it.

Most people do know me here.

Eight swimsuit sashes?
Top-seeded badminton champ?

22 straight years in the Steiner
Fire Safety Captain's Club?

- Nothing?
- I'm just trying not to laugh here.

What's going on is not funny.
Now, we have to do

something together to satisfy
my mother's insatiable desire

for us to meet before I tie her
to a concrete post

and throw her in the lake.

Is she dead
before you tie her to the post,

or do you tie her to the post
alive and dump her in like that?

- She's alive.
- There'll be screaming.

Not with the gag in her mouth.

- You've thought this through.
- Stand. Start walking.

I'll admit
my mother's mentioned you.

Our mothers have been scheming
to set us up for days,

and it will not stop until they
see us doing something together.

So we'll do something,
tell them we gave it a shot,

nothing came of it,
and I can get back to my life.

- And you want to do it now?
- Right now.

You're not missing a meeting

of the Steiner Fire Safety
Corporal Club?

Captain, captain.
And we don't meet till Thursday.

- It's raining.
- It'll pass.

- If it doesn't?
- We melt.

Okay. I'm convinced.
What do we do?

- Boating? Really?
- Yes. Yes.

Let me guess,
you're a charter member

of the Aquatic Maritime Gunwale
Anchor Schooner Society

- nine years running.
- It's what we're doing.

I'm not a big fan of water.

But I like
the public nature of it.

It's private, yet on display.

- Everyone will see us.
- Can't argue with logic.

My new friend Benjamin and I
would like a boat, please.

You got it.

No standing, no rocking,
no rowing past the buoys.

Thank you, Josh.

Yes, thank you, Josh.

One, two, three.

Happy boating!

Be safe.

Perfect. Everyone's
already watching us.

Even with the pétanque
championships going on,

we're still a pull.

- Well?
- Yes?

- Are you going to row?
- No. Are you?

- No. The boy rows.
- I don't row.

What do you mean, you don't row?
Everybody rows.

- Then go ahead and row.
- The boy rows.

- Not this boy.
- Pick up that oar.

It was your idea
to get into a rowboat.

- Pick up that oar.
- Really? That tone?

I might as well be
rowing with my mother.

Well, you could've
suggested something else.

I'm just going along
for the ride here.

I was perfectly happy playing
cribbage with the bubbes.

It's getting sillier.

- What is that?
- The Steiner Daily Newsletter.

But we've got to at least
look like we're talking.

- We are talking.
- You're reading.

I am trying to stay informed,
and I am loving this new font.

Well, read something and I'll
pretend that I'm enjoying it.

"Arthur Rossman would like
to thank all the fellow guests

who consoled him on the death
of his beloved dog Mogul."

You are sick.

Well, read something light
that I can laugh at.

"There will be
a twilight gathering

of Holocaust survivors
tonight in..."

Just shut up.

This is going very well.

You're supposed to row.

- I know.
- I don't row.

That's why you didn't
get very far.

- I know.
- She never asked if I could row.

Well, Benjamin, thank you for
the very, very little you did

to get my mother off my back.

- Don't mention it.
- Are you getting out?

I'm quite comfortable here,
actually.

I think the angle's fine, sir.

Almost, but not quite.

Rotate it five degrees
counterclockwise.

- Yes, sir.
- What's that, Abe?

My new drinking index.

I blew some of
the timelines before,

but this one is going to work.

So ten degrees
is five degrees in your world?

What world
do you live in, Jimmy?

But if it's close
enough, I can always

help you reposition it
anytime during the fireworks.

And miss which fireworks
while we're doing that?

The crackly dragon eggs?
The-the weeping willows?

The gorgeous crescendo
of chrysanthemums?

- Which ones?
- I'm sorry, I'll get it right.

- With my help, you'll get it right.
- Hello, Joel.

Oh, hey. You joining us?
Got a spot on the blanket.

Nah, I'm a little tired.
Probably just gonna turn in.

- Your new room working out?
- Yeah, it's great.

Again, thanks for letting me
stay like that, Rose.

- It was really nice.
- No problem.

Good night.

Fold it up.
Let's just start over.

We'll start over.
Get another blanket.

All right.

So, I saw you two
from the shore.

Who? Me and Benjamin?

- What happened?
- I did what I could.

I mean, why in the world
wouldn't he pick up a damn oar?

He just refused.

- So rude.
- So rude.

I must say, I was unimpressed.

- How could you not be?
- Oof.

Ah, forget it.

- Papa?
- Yes?

You're snockered.

- I'm fine.
- No, Abe, you're drunk.

Your calculations
were off again.

Give me another pickle.

The brine in the pickle
counteracts the alcohol.

You've had ten pickles, Abe.
Your pickles aren't working.

Why are you laughing?

'Cause it's funny.

I'm having my lawyer contact
the chief counsel

at Claussen Pickles.

There will be a lawsuit.

- Are you both laughing?
- No.

That should be not laughing.

Oh, Abe, you're missing
the fireworks.

Oh, just describe them to me.

Well, there was, like,
a big display of flowers,

multicolored,
and they danced across the sky.

Ah, that's a chrysanthemum.

I love the chrysanthemums.

And now there's another
sparkly thing going off.

Oh.

Oh...

♪ Send me photographs
and souvenirs ♪

♪ Just remember ♪

♪ When a dream appears ♪

♪ You belong to me ♪

♪ I'll be ♪

♪ So alone without... ♪

Got a light?

Sure.

Thanks.

Not in a sociable mood
tonight, huh?

- Guess not.
- Me, neither.

I've never really
understood fireworks.

We used to love them.

I mean, I did.

Now they're just...

- Lights in the sky.
- Lights in the sky.

You think...

What?

You think we're ever
really forgiven

for the mistakes we've made?

Who do you want
doing the forgiving? God?

People.

People never forgive.

Not in my experience.

They say they do,
but they don't.

I'm not even sure
forgiveness really matters.

Why wouldn't it matter?

Well, what is it, forgiveness?

It doesn't mean anything.

I mean, you still did
what you did, right?

Nothing's changed.

Forgiveness is a mindset.

Synapses in your brain
telling you to think differently

about something
that's already happened.

It's amorphous.
It's not really there.

And if it's not really there,
what is it?

God, I hope that's not true.

Every day, I feel like
I'm getting kicked

in the head a little.

I know I deserve it, but I sure
would like it to end someday.

Just do what I do,
stay away from people.

If you're not around them, there
are no mistakes to be made.

That's not the answer.

You know that.

You need people.

To bum a light.

That's about it, though.

Nah.

You'll change your mind someday.

Just wait.

You'll see.

♪ So I'd like to know where
you got the notion ♪

♪ Said I'd like to know
where you got the notion ♪

- ♪ To rock the boat ♪
- ♪ Don't rock the boat, baby ♪

- ♪ Rock the boat ♪
- ♪ Don't tip the boat over ♪

- ♪ Rock the boat ♪
- ♪ Don't rock the boat, baby ♪

♪ Rock the boat ♪

♪ Ever since our voyage
of love began ♪

♪ Your touch has thrilled me
like the rush of the wind ♪

♪ And your arms have held me
safe from a rolling sea ♪

♪ There's always been a quiet
place to harbor you and me ♪

♪ Our love is like
a ship on the ocean ♪

♪ We've been sailing
with a cargo ♪

♪ Full of love and devotion ♪

♪ So I'd like to know where
you got the notion ♪

♪ Said I'd like to know
where you got the notion ♪

♪ So I'd like to know where
you got the notion ♪

♪ Said I'd like to know
where you got the notion ♪

- ♪ To rock the boat ♪
- ♪ Don't rock the boat, baby ♪

- ♪ Rock the boat ♪
- ♪ Don't tip the boat over ♪

- ♪ Rock the boat ♪
- ♪ Don't rock the boat, baby ♪

- ♪ Rock the boat ♪
- ♪ Don't tip the boat over ♪

- ♪ Rock the boat ♪
- ♪ Ooh-hoo-hoo ♪

- ♪ Rock the boat ♪
- ♪ Rock on with your bad self ♪

♪ Rock the boat ♪

♪ Rock on with your bad self ♪

- ♪ Rock the boat ♪
- ♪ Rock on with your bad self ♪

♪ Rock the boat, rock the boat ♪

♪ Rock the boat ♪

♪ Rock the boat,
rock the boat. ♪