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1
00:00:03,203 --> 00:00:05,804
[SCREAMING]
2
00:00:05,838 --> 00:00:08,840
[PORTAL WHOOSHING]
3
00:00:08,874 --> 00:00:12,143
[GROANING]
4
00:00:13,956 --> 00:00:16,244
That... was...
5
00:00:16,278 --> 00:00:17,679
Awesome!
6
00:00:17,713 --> 00:00:19,605
- I'm going again!
- No.
7
00:00:19,628 --> 00:00:23,970
I think I barfed in another
dimension before we landed.
8
00:00:23,131 --> 00:00:25,344
Is my barf just gonna
float out there forever?
9
00:00:25,369 --> 00:00:27,635
Is someone gonna fly through my
barf when they use the portal?
10
00:00:27,669 --> 00:00:28,969
Ugh, stop saying barf.
11
00:00:29,400 --> 00:00:30,771
And where's Michael?
12
00:00:31,940 --> 00:00:32,562
He's not coming.
13
00:00:32,639 --> 00:00:34,607
He sacrificed himself to save me.
14
00:00:34,641 --> 00:00:36,976
The last thing I saw
was Shawn grabbing him.
15
00:00:37,100 --> 00:00:40,346
Was it a nice grab or a bad grab?
16
00:00:40,380 --> 00:00:41,847
A bad grab.
17
00:00:41,882 --> 00:00:44,617
Like, a nice bad grab,
or a mean bad grab?
18
00:00:44,651 --> 00:00:47,453
No Michael and no Janet.
19
00:00:47,487 --> 00:00:49,622
Didn't even get to say a proper goodbye.
20
00:00:49,656 --> 00:00:51,957
Not even a mere toodleloo.
21
00:00:51,992 --> 00:00:54,159
[PORTAL CLANGS]
22
00:00:54,194 --> 00:00:56,295
We're on our own.
23
00:00:56,329 --> 00:00:59,231
We have to handle this ourselves.
24
00:00:59,266 --> 00:01:02,468
Michael said the portal
would lead us to the Judge,
25
00:01:02,502 --> 00:01:06,338
so where's the Judge?
26
00:01:06,373 --> 00:01:08,340
All I see is a burrito.
27
00:01:08,375 --> 00:01:10,142
Do you think it's a test?
28
00:01:10,176 --> 00:01:12,811
Like, maybe one of us
is supposed to eat it,
29
00:01:12,846 --> 00:01:15,848
or we eat it together, or... or maybe,
30
00:01:15,882 --> 00:01:17,316
maybe it's a test to see how long
31
00:01:17,350 --> 00:01:18,717
we can go without eating it.
32
00:01:18,752 --> 00:01:20,352
I'm not scared of any burrito.
33
00:01:20,387 --> 00:01:21,854
I'll eat it.
34
00:01:23,423 --> 00:01:24,690
Unless...
35
00:01:24,724 --> 00:01:27,226
The burrito is the Judge.
36
00:01:27,260 --> 00:01:29,940
Don't be so bloody ridiculous.
37
00:01:29,129 --> 00:01:31,330
Judges aren't food,
judges are serious people
38
00:01:31,364 --> 00:01:34,700
who wear long, silk nightgowns
and big, white powdered wigs.
39
00:01:34,734 --> 00:01:35,901
Eh.
40
00:01:35,936 --> 00:01:37,200
He could be right.
41
00:01:37,370 --> 00:01:38,660
- What?
- Really?
42
00:01:38,910 --> 00:01:39,772
I don't know, I'm just saying
43
00:01:39,806 --> 00:01:41,173
we've certainly seen weirder things
44
00:01:41,207 --> 00:01:43,750
than an all-knowing burrito.
45
00:01:43,109 --> 00:01:45,660
We can't take any chances.
46
00:01:45,910 --> 00:01:46,752
Hello, Your Excellency.
47
00:01:46,777 --> 00:01:48,447
My name is Eleanor Shellstrop.
48
00:01:48,481 --> 00:01:50,182
We doth seek thine judgment.
49
00:01:50,216 --> 00:01:54,520
We've traveled a long distance
to see you, o great one.
50
00:01:54,554 --> 00:01:55,587
What are you guys looking at?
51
00:01:55,622 --> 00:01:57,189
[ALL SCREAMING]
52
00:01:57,223 --> 00:01:58,457
Hi.
53
00:01:58,491 --> 00:02:00,526
I'm the Judge. That's a burrito.
54
00:02:00,560 --> 00:02:01,927
What's up, guys?
55
00:02:01,962 --> 00:02:06,725
Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx
www.addic7ed.com
56
00:02:06,772 --> 00:02:08,867
♪
57
00:02:08,902 --> 00:02:10,936
Yeah, I did not think
I had a case today.
58
00:02:10,971 --> 00:02:12,604
The paperwork should've shown up by now.
59
00:02:12,639 --> 00:02:16,875
Unless you guys just, like, came here.
60
00:02:16,910 --> 00:02:18,944
Wait, did you guys just come here?
61
00:02:18,979 --> 00:02:20,450
[GASP]
62
00:02:20,800 --> 00:02:21,280
Oh, my God.
63
00:02:21,314 --> 00:02:22,715
You guys are bad.
64
00:02:22,749 --> 00:02:24,383
Which one is the worst one of you?
65
00:02:24,417 --> 00:02:26,118
Is it you, glasses?
66
00:02:26,152 --> 00:02:27,220
Oh, I bet it's you.
67
00:02:27,245 --> 00:02:30,550
Okay, yeah, well,
we did just sort of "show up,"
68
00:02:30,900 --> 00:02:32,424
but we had to.
We were escaping the Bad Place,
69
00:02:32,459 --> 00:02:33,735
which now that I think about it,
70
00:02:33,760 --> 00:02:35,327
there might be some demons following us.
71
00:02:35,362 --> 00:02:36,526
Oh, don't worry about that.
72
00:02:36,551 --> 00:02:38,497
Anytime anyone shows up in my chambers,
73
00:02:38,531 --> 00:02:40,733
the portal is sealed
until I issue my ruling.
74
00:02:40,767 --> 00:02:43,435
So, you guys can relax. Get comfortable.
75
00:02:43,470 --> 00:02:44,803
[DING]
76
00:02:44,838 --> 00:02:48,730
[GASP] A classic Saint Crispin's
Day garden party frock.
77
00:02:48,108 --> 00:02:50,750
Wait, is it after 4:00 p.m.?
78
00:02:50,110 --> 00:02:53,112
- Not important.
- Let's have a look at your files.
79
00:02:53,146 --> 00:02:55,140
Wait, you don't already
know everything about us?
80
00:02:55,480 --> 00:02:56,181
You're not omniscient?
81
00:02:56,216 --> 00:02:57,282
Well...
82
00:02:57,317 --> 00:02:58,817
Not in the way you mean.
83
00:02:58,852 --> 00:03:00,919
I try to learn as little
as I can about the events
84
00:03:00,954 --> 00:03:03,455
of humankind so I can remain
impartial, 'cause I'm a judge.
85
00:03:03,490 --> 00:03:04,857
Yadda, yadda, yadda.
86
00:03:04,891 --> 00:03:06,425
That being said, sometimes I get bored
87
00:03:06,459 --> 00:03:08,930
and I cheat a little bit.
88
00:03:08,128 --> 00:03:10,129
I've been binging
Ken Burns's "Vietnam" recently.
89
00:03:10,163 --> 00:03:11,262
It's okay.
90
00:03:11,287 --> 00:03:14,900
I mean, I'm immortal,
but that thing is long.
91
00:03:14,935 --> 00:03:16,602
[CHUCKLING] You know what I'm saying.
92
00:03:16,636 --> 00:03:18,938
Anyway, your petition is denied.
I can't hear your case.
93
00:03:18,972 --> 00:03:20,105
Please exit to the rear.
94
00:03:20,140 --> 00:03:21,373
[PORTAL WHOOSHING]
95
00:03:21,398 --> 00:03:22,624
What?
96
00:03:22,649 --> 00:03:25,770
I just absorbed the
entirety of your existences,
97
00:03:25,111 --> 00:03:26,578
and I just wanna say
98
00:03:26,613 --> 00:03:29,915
you guys are so cute.
99
00:03:29,950 --> 00:03:32,510
And the thing is,
you didn't file any paperwork,
100
00:03:32,850 --> 00:03:33,218
and you have no advocate,
101
00:03:33,253 --> 00:03:34,386
and the rules say I gotta...
102
00:03:34,421 --> 00:03:36,550
[BLOWS RASPBERRY]
103
00:03:36,890 --> 00:03:37,222
Send you back.
104
00:03:37,257 --> 00:03:38,524
Your honor,
105
00:03:38,558 --> 00:03:40,225
please hear our case.
106
00:03:40,260 --> 00:03:42,261
You frankly wouldn't believe
what we've been through
107
00:03:42,295 --> 00:03:43,529
just to be here today.
108
00:03:43,563 --> 00:03:45,970
I mean, I would,
109
00:03:45,131 --> 00:03:46,966
because I just learned
everything about you,
110
00:03:47,000 --> 00:03:48,934
but keep talking.
111
00:03:48,969 --> 00:03:51,904
I am, like, obsessed with your accent.
112
00:03:51,938 --> 00:03:54,907
We have made so much
progress and all we ask
113
00:03:54,941 --> 00:03:56,976
is an audience with you to prove it.
114
00:03:57,100 --> 00:03:58,644
Is that not your very purpose...
115
00:03:58,678 --> 00:04:00,779
to weigh in on matters such as ours?
116
00:04:00,814 --> 00:04:03,949
To paraphrase a song
written by my godfather...
117
00:04:03,984 --> 00:04:05,150
hey, judge.
118
00:04:05,185 --> 00:04:06,585
Don't make it bad.
119
00:04:06,619 --> 00:04:10,550
Take a sad group and make us better.
120
00:04:10,900 --> 00:04:11,457
Say aluminum.
121
00:04:11,491 --> 00:04:13,826
- Al-you-minnium.
- [GIGGLES]
122
00:04:13,860 --> 00:04:14,960
I love that!
123
00:04:14,995 --> 00:04:16,462
And I love your passion.
124
00:04:16,496 --> 00:04:18,230
I mean, it takes a lot of guts
125
00:04:18,264 --> 00:04:19,765
to just show up here unannounced.
126
00:04:19,799 --> 00:04:21,233
Plus, I haven't had a case in, like,
127
00:04:21,267 --> 00:04:23,936
30 years and I'm super bored.
128
00:04:23,970 --> 00:04:26,105
So, it's either this
or start "Bloodline,"
129
00:04:26,139 --> 00:04:28,730
and I don't know, I just don't feel like
130
00:04:28,108 --> 00:04:31,944
I can see Kyle Chandler as
anyone else but Coach Taylor.
131
00:04:33,980 --> 00:04:35,180
So, the case?
132
00:04:35,215 --> 00:04:36,749
Right.
133
00:04:38,318 --> 00:04:39,284
Let's do it.
134
00:04:39,319 --> 00:04:41,587
[RELIEVED SIGHS]
135
00:04:41,621 --> 00:04:43,489
You had one job...
136
00:04:43,523 --> 00:04:45,524
torture four bad people forever.
137
00:04:45,558 --> 00:04:47,259
Not only did you fail, you're a traitor.
138
00:04:47,293 --> 00:04:50,262
You really junked your jeans
on this one, you butterface.
139
00:04:50,296 --> 00:04:51,797
I did what I had to do.
140
00:04:51,831 --> 00:04:53,932
Oh, you had to junk your jeans?
141
00:04:53,967 --> 00:04:55,467
[CLAP]
142
00:04:55,502 --> 00:04:57,436
How could you betray
your own kind like this?
143
00:04:57,470 --> 00:04:59,772
Who taught you how
to turn a human inside out
144
00:04:59,806 --> 00:05:01,273
by reaching down their throat
145
00:05:01,307 --> 00:05:02,608
and grabbing their butt from the inside?
146
00:05:02,642 --> 00:05:03,776
You did.
147
00:05:03,810 --> 00:05:05,878
You got that right, sister.
148
00:05:05,912 --> 00:05:07,846
And this is how you repay me.
149
00:05:07,881 --> 00:05:09,815
Oh, spare me the sanctimonious lecture.
150
00:05:09,849 --> 00:05:11,617
You never cared about me.
151
00:05:11,651 --> 00:05:13,886
In the words of one
of my actual friends...
152
00:05:13,920 --> 00:05:15,521
Ya basic.
153
00:05:15,555 --> 00:05:17,222
It's a human insult.
154
00:05:17,257 --> 00:05:18,657
It's devastating.
155
00:05:18,691 --> 00:05:20,192
You're devastated right now.
156
00:05:20,226 --> 00:05:21,727
The point is,
157
00:05:21,761 --> 00:05:23,695
the four of them are
in front of the Judge,
158
00:05:23,730 --> 00:05:26,131
and the Good Janet has escaped too.
159
00:05:26,166 --> 00:05:27,566
You'll never find her.
160
00:05:27,600 --> 00:05:29,868
Oh, you mean this Good Janet?
161
00:05:29,903 --> 00:05:31,970
I found her in, like, two seconds.
162
00:05:32,500 --> 00:05:35,240
She was wandering the halls
being polite to people,
163
00:05:35,275 --> 00:05:36,809
like a chump.
164
00:05:36,843 --> 00:05:38,577
So, I marble-ized her.
165
00:05:38,611 --> 00:05:39,835
Keep her if you want.
166
00:05:39,860 --> 00:05:41,713
Maybe shove it up
your wiener for safekeeping?
167
00:05:41,748 --> 00:05:43,715
I don't know, it's up to you.
168
00:05:43,750 --> 00:05:45,818
I'm going to give each of you a test
169
00:05:45,852 --> 00:05:47,519
to see how much progress you've made.
170
00:05:47,554 --> 00:05:49,822
And if I deem you fit
to be in the Good Place,
171
00:05:49,856 --> 00:05:53,592
then... zrrrup. Up you go.
172
00:05:53,626 --> 00:05:56,610
Well, actually, sort of that way.
173
00:05:56,960 --> 00:05:57,331
- Mrrup.
- Great.
174
00:05:57,356 --> 00:05:59,164
Can we be tested together as a group?
175
00:05:59,199 --> 00:06:01,700
Yeah, we all need to be
able to cheat off Chidi.
176
00:06:02,635 --> 00:06:05,370
Oh, that's why your name is Chidi.
177
00:06:05,710 --> 00:06:06,839
I get it now.
178
00:06:06,873 --> 00:06:09,575
I'm sorry, cuties, the tests
have to be individual.
179
00:06:09,609 --> 00:06:11,677
Well, can we be graded as a group then?
180
00:06:11,711 --> 00:06:13,178
The only reason we've come this far
181
00:06:13,213 --> 00:06:15,180
is because we've helped each other.
182
00:06:15,215 --> 00:06:17,516
And I don't think anything's
gonna feel like the Good Place
183
00:06:17,550 --> 00:06:18,917
if we're not together.
184
00:06:18,952 --> 00:06:21,353
So, if you all pass, you're in.
185
00:06:21,387 --> 00:06:26,525
And if even one of you fails,
you're all effed, right?
186
00:06:26,559 --> 00:06:27,860
Terrible idea.
187
00:06:27,894 --> 00:06:30,195
I mean, truly awful.
188
00:06:30,230 --> 00:06:32,640
You are very lucky
that I cannot send you
189
00:06:32,980 --> 00:06:35,734
to the Bad Idea place,
because that one is a stanker.
190
00:06:35,768 --> 00:06:38,137
But whatever blows your
dress up, am I right?
191
00:06:38,171 --> 00:06:39,204
[CLICKS TONGUE]
192
00:06:39,239 --> 00:06:41,206
♪
193
00:06:41,241 --> 00:06:42,608
- Jason.
- Present!
194
00:06:42,642 --> 00:06:43,771
Good.
195
00:06:43,796 --> 00:06:45,777
In front of you is a video game system
196
00:06:45,812 --> 00:06:47,379
loaded with Madden football.
197
00:06:47,413 --> 00:06:49,715
Are you kidding me?
I'm the best at Madden.
198
00:06:49,749 --> 00:06:51,583
I call Jaguars.
199
00:06:51,618 --> 00:06:53,585
As I was about to tell you,
200
00:06:53,620 --> 00:06:56,121
you can only play against the Jaguars.
201
00:06:56,156 --> 00:06:58,560
- No.
- Using their archrivals,
202
00:06:58,910 --> 00:06:59,925
- the Tennessee Titans.
- No!
203
00:06:59,959 --> 00:07:01,393
If you play the game and you lose...
204
00:07:01,427 --> 00:07:02,661
Oh. I'm gonna win.
205
00:07:02,695 --> 00:07:04,229
Say no more, scary judge lady.
206
00:07:04,264 --> 00:07:07,566
Tell my friends their
souls are in good hands.
207
00:07:07,600 --> 00:07:09,501
No, I fumbled the kickoff!
208
00:07:09,575 --> 00:07:11,642
Titans suck.
209
00:07:13,370 --> 00:07:15,838
Tahani... it's such a pretty name.
210
00:07:15,872 --> 00:07:17,473
My name is super boring...
211
00:07:17,507 --> 00:07:18,907
Jen.
212
00:07:19,301 --> 00:07:20,801
It's just short for hydrogen,
213
00:07:20,836 --> 00:07:22,503
which was the only thing
that was in existence
214
00:07:22,537 --> 00:07:24,672
at the time that I was born.
215
00:07:24,706 --> 00:07:26,140
Anywho.
216
00:07:26,174 --> 00:07:28,780
All you have to do is go through there,
217
00:07:28,858 --> 00:07:30,892
walk down the hallway,
218
00:07:30,918 --> 00:07:32,962
and through the red door at the end.
219
00:07:33,100 --> 00:07:35,712
That's it? That's my test?
220
00:07:35,746 --> 00:07:36,668
Yep.
221
00:07:36,693 --> 00:07:39,215
Oh, also everyone in
every room that you pass
222
00:07:39,250 --> 00:07:42,738
is going to be discussing what
they truly think about you.
223
00:07:42,763 --> 00:07:44,540
Okay, have fun.
224
00:07:44,880 --> 00:07:47,570
[GENTLE PIANO MUSIC]
225
00:07:47,910 --> 00:07:53,290
♪
226
00:07:53,491 --> 00:07:56,218
[GASPS] _
227
00:07:56,243 --> 00:07:58,376
I see.
228
00:07:58,401 --> 00:08:00,690
It's a test of my ability to
229
00:08:00,103 --> 00:08:02,604
not care what people think of me.
230
00:08:02,640 --> 00:08:03,706
♪
231
00:08:03,740 --> 00:08:06,750
[GASP] Oh, no.
232
00:08:06,110 --> 00:08:07,201
So, just to be clear,
233
00:08:07,226 --> 00:08:09,412
you actually rebooted
them over 800 times,
234
00:08:09,447 --> 00:08:11,247
and all of these
reports of their torture
235
00:08:11,282 --> 00:08:12,582
are completely fake?
236
00:08:12,616 --> 00:08:15,180
Yes, but frankly, this is on you.
237
00:08:15,520 --> 00:08:17,754
A lot of those details
I just took directly from
238
00:08:17,788 --> 00:08:19,422
Stephen King novels
239
00:08:19,457 --> 00:08:20,924
and episodes of "Pretty Little Liars."
240
00:08:20,958 --> 00:08:22,759
Just tell me why, why would you do this?
241
00:08:22,793 --> 00:08:24,394
It's not like I planned it.
242
00:08:24,428 --> 00:08:26,960
I was just trying to prove that humans
243
00:08:26,130 --> 00:08:28,640
could be made to torture each other.
244
00:08:28,990 --> 00:08:31,534
Instead, they helped
each other and got better.
245
00:08:31,569 --> 00:08:33,103
They were bad people.
246
00:08:33,137 --> 00:08:35,438
This is not supposed to be possible,
247
00:08:35,473 --> 00:08:38,108
so the only explanation is that somehow,
248
00:08:38,142 --> 00:08:40,477
there was a mistake made
and these people
249
00:08:40,511 --> 00:08:42,145
belong in the Good Place.
250
00:08:42,179 --> 00:08:43,613
No they don't, idiot.
251
00:08:43,647 --> 00:08:45,548
Shawn, this is not fair.
252
00:08:45,583 --> 00:08:47,817
Pft, fair is the stupidest word
253
00:08:47,852 --> 00:08:50,453
humans ever invented, except for...
254
00:08:50,488 --> 00:08:51,988
BOTH: Staycation, ew.
255
00:08:52,220 --> 00:08:54,290
Look, those four humans are good people
256
00:08:54,325 --> 00:08:57,660
and they deserve
a staycation in the Good Place,
257
00:08:57,695 --> 00:08:59,963
and I bet the Judge
will feel the same way.
258
00:08:59,997 --> 00:09:01,731
I doubt she even hears their case.
259
00:09:01,765 --> 00:09:04,434
But if she does,
one of them will screw it up.
260
00:09:04,468 --> 00:09:06,215
- They always do.
- I'm sick of smelling this guy's
261
00:09:06,240 --> 00:09:07,637
lumpy white ass.
262
00:09:07,671 --> 00:09:09,172
Can we get rid of him already?
263
00:09:09,206 --> 00:09:10,473
Yep. It's time.
264
00:09:10,508 --> 00:09:11,841
Follow me.
265
00:09:11,876 --> 00:09:12,642
Okay.
266
00:09:12,676 --> 00:09:14,477
Eleanor and Chidi.
267
00:09:14,512 --> 00:09:16,790
Looks like you guys are up.
268
00:09:16,113 --> 00:09:17,247
At the same time?
269
00:09:17,281 --> 00:09:20,283
[GIGGLE] Yep.
270
00:09:20,317 --> 00:09:22,318
[DEEP BREATH]
271
00:09:22,353 --> 00:09:25,321
[MELLOW MUSIC]
272
00:09:25,356 --> 00:09:29,325
♪
273
00:09:29,360 --> 00:09:31,995
[LAUGHS]
274
00:09:32,290 --> 00:09:33,196
Trippy, right?
275
00:09:33,230 --> 00:09:34,464
There is no test.
276
00:09:34,498 --> 00:09:35,832
You guys are in!
277
00:09:35,866 --> 00:09:37,834
We're in? What does that mean?
278
00:09:37,868 --> 00:09:39,318
You guys have made great strides
279
00:09:39,343 --> 00:09:40,603
and you made it to the Good Place.
280
00:09:40,638 --> 00:09:41,959
- Congrats.
- [DINGS]
281
00:09:41,984 --> 00:09:44,108
Take these medallions and
go right through that portal,
282
00:09:44,133 --> 00:09:45,208
and you're there in a jiff.
283
00:09:45,242 --> 00:09:47,100
[GASPS]
284
00:09:47,440 --> 00:09:48,511
- We made it.
- We made it.
285
00:09:48,546 --> 00:09:49,612
- We made it.
- Holy crap!
286
00:09:49,647 --> 00:09:50,947
[LAUGHTER, CHEERING]
287
00:09:50,981 --> 00:09:53,116
All those ethics lessons paid off.
288
00:09:53,150 --> 00:09:54,951
Whoever said philosophy was stupid?
289
00:09:54,985 --> 00:09:57,200
- You did, many times.
- [SQUEALS]
290
00:09:57,540 --> 00:09:58,721
- As recently as this morning.
- Whoo!
291
00:09:58,756 --> 00:10:01,191
But-but you also worked really hard
292
00:10:01,225 --> 00:10:02,525
and you deserve this.
293
00:10:02,560 --> 00:10:04,294
- You really do.
- [SQUEALING]
294
00:10:04,328 --> 00:10:06,162
Here's the thing, though.
It's just the two of you.
295
00:10:06,197 --> 00:10:08,364
Tahani and Jason didn't make it.
296
00:10:08,399 --> 00:10:10,567
I'm giving them tests
right now to determine
297
00:10:10,601 --> 00:10:12,368
where they belong within the Bad Place,
298
00:10:12,403 --> 00:10:16,139
so you might wanna reconsider
that judges-together thing
299
00:10:16,173 --> 00:10:18,208
'cause if you stick to that,
you're all going down.
300
00:10:18,242 --> 00:10:21,211
I am so hungry.
301
00:10:21,245 --> 00:10:22,412
Why am I so hungry?
302
00:10:22,446 --> 00:10:23,813
Oh, my...
303
00:10:23,847 --> 00:10:24,981
I'm such an idiot.
304
00:10:25,140 --> 00:10:26,348
I forgot to eat my burrito.
305
00:10:26,383 --> 00:10:28,585
And I was so hungry, too.
306
00:10:28,619 --> 00:10:30,186
What a dork.
307
00:10:31,548 --> 00:10:33,150
Okay, obviously,
308
00:10:33,400 --> 00:10:34,530
this is the test, right?
309
00:10:34,555 --> 00:10:36,279
I bet the Judge gave Jason and Tahani
310
00:10:36,313 --> 00:10:38,909
the same offer,
and whichever couple takes it,
311
00:10:38,974 --> 00:10:41,776
actually loses and
the other two get in for real.
312
00:10:41,800 --> 00:10:43,253
Oh!
313
00:10:43,303 --> 00:10:44,837
Diabolical.
314
00:10:44,886 --> 00:10:46,287
Hey, Judge.
315
00:10:46,321 --> 00:10:48,290
- We figured out what you're really...
- Nope.
316
00:10:48,540 --> 00:10:50,524
Tahani and Jason have
not been given the same offer.
317
00:10:50,559 --> 00:10:52,927
Here, take a look.
318
00:10:52,961 --> 00:10:54,929
Tahani's test
is to walk down the hallway
319
00:10:54,963 --> 00:10:57,665
and not get tempted
by her gossiping friends.
320
00:10:57,699 --> 00:10:59,533
Jason is playing video games.
321
00:10:59,568 --> 00:11:00,434
Oh.
322
00:11:00,468 --> 00:11:02,536
Okay, cool.
323
00:11:02,571 --> 00:11:05,439
Sorry, I feel weird saying
this to an almighty judge,
324
00:11:05,473 --> 00:11:07,374
but you have hot sauce on your chin.
325
00:11:07,409 --> 00:11:09,443
[MUFFLED] Thank you.
326
00:11:09,477 --> 00:11:11,145
It's actually not hot sauce.
327
00:11:11,179 --> 00:11:12,739
It's envy.
328
00:11:12,764 --> 00:11:14,481
Or, the concept of envy.
329
00:11:14,516 --> 00:11:15,973
It's really good on Mexican food,
330
00:11:15,998 --> 00:11:18,989
it gives it a little kick.
331
00:11:19,321 --> 00:11:21,210
[SIGHS] Okay, so what do we do?
332
00:11:21,560 --> 00:11:22,367
[GROANS]
333
00:11:22,438 --> 00:11:25,306
Oh no, that was your
moral quandary grimace,
334
00:11:25,340 --> 00:11:27,809
which is different
from your gas pain grimace.
335
00:11:27,843 --> 00:11:28,820
[MEWLS]
336
00:11:28,845 --> 00:11:30,754
And different from your someone said
337
00:11:30,779 --> 00:11:33,181
"from whence it came" instead
of "whence it came" grimace.
338
00:11:33,215 --> 00:11:34,515
[SIGHS]
339
00:11:34,550 --> 00:11:36,317
- [SIGHS]
- So, spit it out, man.
340
00:11:36,351 --> 00:11:38,386
Well, if this isn't a test,
341
00:11:38,420 --> 00:11:40,888
then it's something way worse.
342
00:11:40,923 --> 00:11:44,559
- What?
- A choice that we have to make.
343
00:11:44,593 --> 00:11:47,495
Yeah, you know, why can't one part
344
00:11:47,529 --> 00:11:50,164
of the calculation
of our eternal fate be easy?
345
00:11:50,199 --> 00:11:51,499
[GRUMBLING] I don't know.
346
00:11:51,533 --> 00:11:54,669
[INQUISITIVE MUSIC]
347
00:11:54,703 --> 00:11:58,840
♪
348
00:11:58,874 --> 00:12:01,676
Quvenzhané Wallis and Stephen Hawking
349
00:12:01,710 --> 00:12:05,947
in the same room discussing me?
350
00:12:05,981 --> 00:12:07,915
Guess they must've made up.
351
00:12:07,950 --> 00:12:09,717
Focus.
352
00:12:09,751 --> 00:12:13,540
There'll be Fergies
a-plenty in the Good Place.
353
00:12:13,880 --> 00:12:16,570
[TENDER MUSIC]
354
00:12:16,910 --> 00:12:21,762
♪
355
00:12:21,797 --> 00:12:23,231
[SIGHS]
356
00:12:23,265 --> 00:12:25,800
I don't know where
we went wrong with Tahani.
357
00:12:25,834 --> 00:12:28,536
I know, she is such a disappointment
358
00:12:28,570 --> 00:12:30,238
compared to her sister.
359
00:12:30,272 --> 00:12:32,373
Hello, Father.
360
00:12:32,407 --> 00:12:33,407
Hello, Mother.
361
00:12:33,442 --> 00:12:35,910
Oh, hello, Tahani.
362
00:12:35,944 --> 00:12:37,545
We were just talking about
363
00:12:37,579 --> 00:12:39,247
how you're a huge disappointment
364
00:12:39,281 --> 00:12:40,648
compared to your sister.
365
00:12:40,682 --> 00:12:43,885
Have a seat, we'd love to get your take.
366
00:12:43,919 --> 00:12:45,119
♪
367
00:12:45,153 --> 00:12:46,220
How's it going in here?
368
00:12:46,255 --> 00:12:47,588
I'm losing by three.
369
00:12:47,623 --> 00:12:49,390
Meditating to calm myself down.
370
00:12:49,424 --> 00:12:51,392
I'd be winning by, like, a million
371
00:12:51,426 --> 00:12:52,793
if I could play as the Jags
372
00:12:52,828 --> 00:12:54,729
instead of playing against the Jags.
373
00:12:54,763 --> 00:12:58,900
I hate scoring against
my own favorite team.
374
00:13:00,302 --> 00:13:01,569
[FOREBODING MUSIC]
375
00:13:01,603 --> 00:13:05,907
But you already knew that.
376
00:13:05,941 --> 00:13:07,508
Because this is the test!
377
00:13:07,543 --> 00:13:09,577
Yeah, that's not
a revelation or something.
378
00:13:09,611 --> 00:13:12,179
I explained that very clearly.
379
00:13:12,214 --> 00:13:14,482
It's nice to see you, Tahani.
380
00:13:14,516 --> 00:13:16,817
Apparently, wherever you've been,
381
00:13:16,852 --> 00:13:20,254
they've been keeping you well-fed.
382
00:13:20,289 --> 00:13:22,290
You know, I've actually risked
383
00:13:22,324 --> 00:13:24,492
quite a lot to be
in this room right now,
384
00:13:24,526 --> 00:13:27,995
so if you could just not
be cruel for maybe 30 seconds,
385
00:13:28,300 --> 00:13:28,996
that would be lovely.
386
00:13:29,310 --> 00:13:30,498
Apologies,
387
00:13:30,532 --> 00:13:32,990
it's been a while since we've seen you.
388
00:13:32,134 --> 00:13:34,835
We have so much to tell
you about your sister.
389
00:13:34,870 --> 00:13:37,972
We've just heard
the most wonderful news.
390
00:13:38,600 --> 00:13:41,776
Kamilah dedicated her last album to you.
391
00:13:41,810 --> 00:13:43,444
Really?
392
00:13:43,478 --> 00:13:45,680
Well, she dedicated it to her fans
393
00:13:45,714 --> 00:13:48,716
and you're one of her fans.
394
00:13:48,750 --> 00:13:52,386
The whole point of this afterlife test
395
00:13:52,421 --> 00:13:54,288
is that everyone in these rooms
396
00:13:54,323 --> 00:13:56,557
is supposed to be talking about me.
397
00:13:56,592 --> 00:13:59,126
And yet, even in this scenario,
398
00:13:59,161 --> 00:14:02,763
you are still talking about Kamilah.
399
00:14:05,267 --> 00:14:08,803
Which is exactly the point.
400
00:14:08,837 --> 00:14:11,539
I was never going to be enough for you.
401
00:14:11,573 --> 00:14:13,708
Never going to earn your respect.
402
00:14:13,742 --> 00:14:15,977
You know, I've done things
403
00:14:16,110 --> 00:14:18,312
that you would never have approved of.
404
00:14:18,347 --> 00:14:19,814
I died,
405
00:14:19,848 --> 00:14:22,350
dressed as someone
in the service industry,
406
00:14:22,384 --> 00:14:24,318
I shagged a Floridian,
407
00:14:24,353 --> 00:14:26,153
I even ate a Cheeto.
408
00:14:26,188 --> 00:14:27,655
- BOTH: [GASP]
- That's right.
409
00:14:27,689 --> 00:14:29,490
Chewing it was deafening.
410
00:14:29,524 --> 00:14:31,559
And it's the happiest I have ever been.
411
00:14:31,593 --> 00:14:33,527
Don't get upset, dear.
412
00:14:33,562 --> 00:14:34,862
You barely fit in that dress,
413
00:14:34,896 --> 00:14:36,530
and I'm afraid you're going to
414
00:14:36,565 --> 00:14:38,332
hulk out, as it were.
415
00:14:38,367 --> 00:14:41,200
Okay.
416
00:14:41,360 --> 00:14:45,172
I'm sorry we didn't
have a better relationship.
417
00:14:45,207 --> 00:14:48,442
And I wish you both the best.
418
00:14:48,477 --> 00:14:51,120
♪
419
00:14:51,460 --> 00:14:53,414
[SIGHS]
420
00:14:53,448 --> 00:14:57,618
♪
421
00:14:57,653 --> 00:15:00,254
All right, idiot, any last words?
422
00:15:00,288 --> 00:15:02,957
[STAMMERS]
Go ahead and retire me already.
423
00:15:02,991 --> 00:15:04,925
Oh, you're not getting retired, Michael.
424
00:15:04,960 --> 00:15:08,950
- I'm not?
- No, retirement is a spectacle.
425
00:15:08,130 --> 00:15:09,964
Everyone would see the flaming
ladles go down your throat.
426
00:15:09,998 --> 00:15:12,660
Everyone would hear
your eternal shrieks of agony,
427
00:15:12,100 --> 00:15:14,379
blah, blah, blah,
then they'd ask me what you did.
428
00:15:14,404 --> 00:15:16,105
I don't need that
kind of scrutiny right now.
429
00:15:16,130 --> 00:15:17,160
- [DING]
- So,
430
00:15:17,185 --> 00:15:19,129
I'm just gonna throw
you in this unmarked room
431
00:15:19,154 --> 00:15:21,220
- for the rest of eternity.
- [GRUNTS]
432
00:15:21,810 --> 00:15:23,711
And since it seems
you love humans so much,
433
00:15:23,745 --> 00:15:25,312
I'll torture you like one.
434
00:15:25,347 --> 00:15:26,914
All you'll have for entertainment
435
00:15:26,948 --> 00:15:31,218
is that giant stack
of "New Yorker" magazines.
436
00:15:31,253 --> 00:15:32,620
Oh, come on.
437
00:15:32,654 --> 00:15:34,989
You and I both know
I'll never read those.
438
00:15:35,230 --> 00:15:36,490
Of course you won't.
439
00:15:36,525 --> 00:15:41,495
But they'll just keep coming.
440
00:15:41,530 --> 00:15:44,465
BOTH: [SINISTER CHUCKLING]
441
00:15:44,499 --> 00:15:46,233
Goodbye, Michael.
442
00:15:46,268 --> 00:15:48,569
We will leave you with one
of Bad Janet's classic farts.
443
00:15:48,603 --> 00:15:52,440
The smell will linger
for 10 million years.
444
00:15:52,474 --> 00:15:55,309
All right, here comes the boom!
445
00:15:55,343 --> 00:15:56,944
Oh wait, actually,
446
00:15:56,978 --> 00:15:59,680
before I absolutely let it rip,
447
00:15:59,715 --> 00:16:01,115
I just have one more thing I have to do.
448
00:16:01,149 --> 00:16:02,116
What?
449
00:16:02,150 --> 00:16:05,119
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
450
00:16:05,153 --> 00:16:06,187
♪
451
00:16:06,221 --> 00:16:07,855
It's me, Good Janet.
452
00:16:07,889 --> 00:16:09,423
Janet.
453
00:16:09,458 --> 00:16:11,258
I thought you were a marble.
454
00:16:11,293 --> 00:16:12,445
That was a trick.
455
00:16:12,470 --> 00:16:13,671
I realized if we wanted our friends
456
00:16:13,696 --> 00:16:15,507
to have any chance of survival,
457
00:16:15,532 --> 00:16:18,432
I had to learn how to do a lot
of bad things really quickly.
458
00:16:18,467 --> 00:16:19,967
So, I did.
459
00:16:20,100 --> 00:16:21,836
Now I'm ready to go back
to being nice again.
460
00:16:21,870 --> 00:16:23,437
[GROANS] What happened?
461
00:16:23,472 --> 00:16:26,540
[GRUNTS]
462
00:16:26,575 --> 00:16:28,142
Okay, now I'll be nice again.
463
00:16:28,176 --> 00:16:29,944
♪
464
00:16:29,978 --> 00:16:31,278
[SIGH]
465
00:16:31,313 --> 00:16:33,280
Could you please stop doing that?
466
00:16:33,315 --> 00:16:35,149
It helps me think.
467
00:16:37,319 --> 00:16:38,786
We've been through every argument.
468
00:16:38,820 --> 00:16:41,455
Contractualist, Kantian,
469
00:16:41,490 --> 00:16:43,290
what would Superman do,
470
00:16:43,325 --> 00:16:45,526
what would Rihanna do...
471
00:16:45,560 --> 00:16:47,361
are we missing anything?
472
00:16:47,395 --> 00:16:50,965
Hit me right now with your
most obscure, boring-est,
473
00:16:50,999 --> 00:16:54,802
old white dude with a long
wizard beard mumbo-jumbo.
474
00:16:54,836 --> 00:16:59,507
Okay, our friends
are going to the Bad Place,
475
00:16:59,541 --> 00:17:04,478
and us choosing to go with them
won't lessen their suffering.
476
00:17:04,513 --> 00:17:08,516
So, morally,
477
00:17:08,550 --> 00:17:10,651
we're allowed to go.
478
00:17:10,685 --> 00:17:13,387
But let's forget about
the ethics for a second.
479
00:17:13,421 --> 00:17:15,322
After everything that's happened,
480
00:17:15,357 --> 00:17:19,493
don't we deserve to be together
481
00:17:19,528 --> 00:17:21,428
and happy for once?
482
00:17:21,463 --> 00:17:24,431
[GENTLE MUSIC]
483
00:17:24,466 --> 00:17:26,167
♪
484
00:17:26,201 --> 00:17:27,501
Judge?
485
00:17:27,536 --> 00:17:29,270
Have you made your decision?
486
00:17:29,304 --> 00:17:31,500
Yeah.
487
00:17:31,390 --> 00:17:33,400
We're not going to the Good Place.
488
00:17:33,740 --> 00:17:35,176
I mean, that was
never actually an option,
489
00:17:35,210 --> 00:17:37,778
but for the sake of your test,
we're not going.
490
00:17:37,813 --> 00:17:39,513
What do you mean?
491
00:17:39,548 --> 00:17:42,349
Well, I was 99% sure
that going was the wrong move,
492
00:17:42,384 --> 00:17:44,685
but since our whole
relationship has been
493
00:17:44,719 --> 00:17:46,530
me being sure of something
494
00:17:46,870 --> 00:17:47,788
and Chidi explaining why I was wrong,
495
00:17:47,823 --> 00:17:50,191
I owed it to him to quadruple check.
496
00:17:50,225 --> 00:17:53,194
The capper came when I realized...
497
00:17:53,228 --> 00:17:55,620
that ain't Chidi.
498
00:17:55,960 --> 00:17:58,265
The Chidi I know wouldn't argue
that he should be rewarded
499
00:17:58,300 --> 00:18:00,935
while his friends got punished,
and he would never
500
00:18:00,969 --> 00:18:03,370
"forget about ethics for a second."
501
00:18:03,405 --> 00:18:04,572
I don't know who this joker is,
502
00:18:04,606 --> 00:18:06,240
but it's not Chidi Anagonye.
503
00:18:06,274 --> 00:18:07,541
Wait, but what about the...
504
00:18:07,576 --> 00:18:09,143
[DING]
505
00:18:09,177 --> 00:18:10,711
Well done, Eleanor.
506
00:18:10,745 --> 00:18:12,947
You can take a seat
and wait for the others.
507
00:18:12,981 --> 00:18:14,582
And can I have that medallion back
508
00:18:14,616 --> 00:18:16,450
'cause it's actually
a coaster for my sodas?
509
00:18:16,484 --> 00:18:18,520
Mm-hmm.
510
00:18:18,860 --> 00:18:20,554
Where is the real Chidi,
though? Is he okay?
511
00:18:20,589 --> 00:18:22,456
He's still taking his test.
512
00:18:22,490 --> 00:18:24,592
[TICKING]
513
00:18:24,626 --> 00:18:26,227
Okay, this is ridiculous.
514
00:18:26,261 --> 00:18:28,562
Um...
515
00:18:28,597 --> 00:18:32,566
I'm just gonna choose...
516
00:18:32,601 --> 00:18:33,801
Brown.
517
00:18:33,835 --> 00:18:35,436
Gray's the obvious choice,
518
00:18:35,470 --> 00:18:38,500
which is probably why
I shouldn't choose it.
519
00:18:38,390 --> 00:18:39,440
Brown. Nope.
520
00:18:39,474 --> 00:18:41,800
Gray.
521
00:18:41,420 --> 00:18:42,176
Nope. Brown.
522
00:18:42,210 --> 00:18:43,177
Brown hat.
523
00:18:43,211 --> 00:18:45,179
[DING]
524
00:18:45,213 --> 00:18:48,282
[MELLOW MUSIC]
525
00:18:48,316 --> 00:18:50,284
All right, fun stuff.
526
00:18:50,318 --> 00:18:51,518
- Yeah.
- Yeah?
527
00:18:51,553 --> 00:18:52,786
Feeling good?
528
00:18:52,821 --> 00:18:53,988
- Very.
- I think so, yes.
529
00:18:54,220 --> 00:18:55,890
Great.
530
00:18:55,123 --> 00:18:57,124
You're all going to the Bad Place.
531
00:18:59,285 --> 00:19:01,850
Okay, um,
532
00:19:01,119 --> 00:19:03,582
if I was the one who failed,
could you at least
533
00:19:03,606 --> 00:19:06,215
tell me why I failed,
for my own edification?
534
00:19:06,276 --> 00:19:08,877
It took you 82 minutes to choose a hat.
535
00:19:08,912 --> 00:19:11,213
But did I at least choose the right one?
536
00:19:11,247 --> 00:19:13,248
There is no right one. They're hats.
537
00:19:13,283 --> 00:19:16,585
Come on, man. Ugh.
538
00:19:16,619 --> 00:19:18,620
Tahani, you skipped a lot of rooms
539
00:19:18,655 --> 00:19:20,289
that I thought would entice you,
540
00:19:20,323 --> 00:19:22,424
but you weren't supposed
to open any doors,
541
00:19:22,459 --> 00:19:24,893
and you couldn't resist
confronting your parents.
542
00:19:24,928 --> 00:19:26,214
Sorry, everyone.
543
00:19:26,246 --> 00:19:28,843
But now that I failed, can I go back in
544
00:19:28,878 --> 00:19:31,790
and talk to Winston Churchill
and Freddie Mercury?
545
00:19:31,113 --> 00:19:32,547
No.
546
00:19:32,581 --> 00:19:35,500
Jason, your test
was about impulse control,
547
00:19:35,840 --> 00:19:36,851
and you showed great improvements,
548
00:19:36,886 --> 00:19:41,456
but you never asked
if you could opt not to play.
549
00:19:41,490 --> 00:19:44,726
I mean, you basically told me,
550
00:19:44,760 --> 00:19:48,530
an all-knowing judge,
to just shut up and go away.
551
00:19:48,564 --> 00:19:52,367
Do you realize how insane that is?
552
00:19:52,401 --> 00:19:54,350
Not as insane as picking off
553
00:19:54,700 --> 00:19:56,438
the greatest quarterback
of all time, Black Bortles,
554
00:19:56,472 --> 00:19:58,873
to set up a last second
game-winning field goal.
555
00:19:58,908 --> 00:20:00,976
[SPUTTERS MOCKINGLY]
556
00:20:01,100 --> 00:20:04,579
Now, Eleanor's test
was about her selfishness,
557
00:20:04,613 --> 00:20:06,614
- and she actually...
- I failed.
558
00:20:06,649 --> 00:20:10,986
I shoved an old lady down the
stairs to get to the raw bar,
559
00:20:11,200 --> 00:20:13,254
'cause I'm a shrimp fiend.
560
00:20:13,289 --> 00:20:15,757
So, we all failed,
let's not dwell on it.
561
00:20:15,791 --> 00:20:17,325
[INHALES]
562
00:20:17,360 --> 00:20:20,950
All right, shall we?
563
00:20:20,129 --> 00:20:23,980
[PORTALS WHIRRING]
564
00:20:23,132 --> 00:20:25,660
[IMPISH MUSIC]
565
00:20:25,101 --> 00:20:27,635
Oh, I am gonna miss you guys.
566
00:20:27,670 --> 00:20:29,771
I made a little video
of our time together.
567
00:20:29,805 --> 00:20:31,406
[DING]
568
00:20:31,440 --> 00:20:33,740
[BETTE MIDLER'S "WIND
BENEATH MY WINGS" PLAYING]
569
00:20:33,109 --> 00:20:34,676
Oh, look, there we are.
570
00:20:34,710 --> 00:20:37,145
You know, I thought I'd have
a stomachache right now,
571
00:20:37,179 --> 00:20:38,513
but weirdly...
572
00:20:38,547 --> 00:20:40,582
♪ And everything I would... ♪
573
00:20:40,616 --> 00:20:41,649
I do.
574
00:20:41,684 --> 00:20:42,951
There's my guy.
575
00:20:42,985 --> 00:20:44,786
- What?
- Doesn't matter.
576
00:20:44,820 --> 00:20:46,310
I'm gonna miss you, bud.
577
00:20:46,335 --> 00:20:48,470
Every time they pull my
eyeballs out through my mouth,
578
00:20:48,495 --> 00:20:49,562
I'll think of you.
579
00:20:49,587 --> 00:20:51,555
[LAUGHS]
580
00:20:51,827 --> 00:20:53,940
I'm gonna frame that one.
581
00:20:53,129 --> 00:20:55,670
- [DING]
- We gave it our best shot, guys.
582
00:20:55,695 --> 00:20:58,867
I say we go through the portal,
get a good night's sleep,
583
00:20:58,901 --> 00:21:01,169
come back fresh in the morning.
584
00:21:01,203 --> 00:21:02,771
Try again.
585
00:21:02,805 --> 00:21:04,139
Oh, Jason.
586
00:21:04,173 --> 00:21:05,473
I feel like you always understand
587
00:21:05,508 --> 00:21:07,942
about 20% of what's happening.
588
00:21:07,977 --> 00:21:10,450
- Thanks.
- Sure.
589
00:21:10,790 --> 00:21:11,112
[SNIFFS]
590
00:21:11,147 --> 00:21:13,480
I mean, look at us.
591
00:21:13,820 --> 00:21:14,649
[SIGHS] Good times.
592
00:21:14,683 --> 00:21:17,786
All right, off to eternal damnation.
593
00:21:17,820 --> 00:21:19,540
Do you hear something?
594
00:21:19,880 --> 00:21:20,148
[FAINT YELLING]
595
00:21:20,173 --> 00:21:22,991
Hey! Oh!
596
00:21:23,250 --> 00:21:24,392
- [GASP]
- Hey, guys.
597
00:21:24,427 --> 00:21:26,194
How you been?
41233
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