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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:03,984 --> 00:00:06,620 When I was younger, I didn't get out much. 2 00:00:08,589 --> 00:00:09,923 Ta-da! 3 00:00:09,923 --> 00:00:12,126 Thank you! Thank you. 4 00:00:12,126 --> 00:00:14,928 Oh, that's so sweet. Gizmo, you're too kind. 5 00:00:14,928 --> 00:00:16,630 So when Corynn McWatters, 6 00:00:16,630 --> 00:00:18,232 the most popular girl in school, 7 00:00:18,232 --> 00:00:20,467 invited me, the most butt girl in school, 8 00:00:20,467 --> 00:00:23,303 to her super exclusive V.I.P.-only slumber party... 9 00:00:25,939 --> 00:00:27,307 I should've known something was up. 10 00:00:30,277 --> 00:00:32,045 That morning, I woke up looking like 11 00:00:32,045 --> 00:00:33,380 a jacked up version of Annie. 12 00:00:33,468 --> 00:00:36,137 And honestly, not much has changed. 13 00:00:36,137 --> 00:00:39,040 Well, that's not true. One thing has changed... 14 00:00:39,040 --> 00:00:41,109 now I know how to work it. 15 00:00:41,209 --> 00:00:42,978 First, there's face prep, 16 00:00:42,978 --> 00:00:45,046 featuring Jessica's cleansing wipes 17 00:00:45,046 --> 00:00:47,449 and Drew's toning wipes. 18 00:00:47,449 --> 00:00:49,317 Then I reverse my bedhead... 19 00:00:51,086 --> 00:00:53,288 And find my "Hairspiration." 20 00:00:53,288 --> 00:00:56,992 Clear waves, full spiral, can't lose. 21 00:00:56,992 --> 00:00:59,194 Finally, I put my face on using Kim's primer veil, 22 00:00:59,194 --> 00:01:01,596 which was recently militarized. 23 00:01:01,596 --> 00:01:03,999 All in all, it takes me roughly three hours 24 00:01:03,999 --> 00:01:05,267 to look alpha, not beta. 25 00:01:05,267 --> 00:01:07,202 But it was worth it, 26 00:01:07,202 --> 00:01:10,438 'cause I was gonna floss at the "Women in Pharma" brunch. 27 00:01:12,507 --> 00:01:14,309 Dang! 28 00:01:14,309 --> 00:01:16,044 I missed it. 29 00:01:18,013 --> 00:01:20,348 Now the only thing left to hope for 30 00:01:20,348 --> 00:01:21,716 was that Henry wouldn't notice. 31 00:01:21,716 --> 00:01:23,018 Morning, Eliza. 32 00:01:23,018 --> 00:01:24,953 If you wanna go by unnoticed, you might wanna try 33 00:01:24,953 --> 00:01:26,721 a milder fragrance with fewer notes of cotton candy. 34 00:01:26,721 --> 00:01:28,423 You noticed! 35 00:01:28,423 --> 00:01:30,325 As did the entire left wing of this office. 36 00:01:30,325 --> 00:01:32,594 How was the "Women in Pharma" brunch 37 00:01:32,594 --> 00:01:34,195 - this morning? - Mm... 38 00:01:34,195 --> 00:01:35,997 It was really... 39 00:01:35,997 --> 00:01:37,966 - Informative. - Hmm. 40 00:01:37,966 --> 00:01:39,634 And, like... like, empowering. 41 00:01:39,634 --> 00:01:43,071 And it totally felt like I was holding up half the sky. 42 00:01:43,071 --> 00:01:44,339 - Huh. - And... and... 43 00:01:44,339 --> 00:01:45,540 and "how brave," you know? 44 00:01:45,540 --> 00:01:48,143 And... and also? Equal pay! 45 00:01:48,143 --> 00:01:51,112 Because beside every strong pharmaceutical man... 46 00:01:51,112 --> 00:01:53,048 I know you didn't go. 47 00:01:53,104 --> 00:01:54,705 Eliza, you missed out on an incredible opportunity 48 00:01:54,705 --> 00:01:56,574 to meet other women in your field, 49 00:01:56,574 --> 00:01:59,276 seasoned vets who could've provided valuable insight, 50 00:01:59,276 --> 00:02:01,646 one of whom could've served as a future role model for you. 51 00:02:05,182 --> 00:02:06,350 I thought you were my role model. 52 00:02:06,350 --> 00:02:07,585 Me? No, no, no. 53 00:02:07,585 --> 00:02:09,754 Mentor, possibly. Advisor, certainly. 54 00:02:09,754 --> 00:02:11,522 - Sensei? - Of sorts. 55 00:02:11,522 --> 00:02:13,024 - Elder. - Okay, we're done playing this game. 56 00:02:13,024 --> 00:02:15,393 "Point bees," I'm not your role model. 57 00:02:15,393 --> 00:02:19,664 A role model is someone whose life you aspire to. 58 00:02:19,664 --> 00:02:21,098 Do you want my life? 59 00:02:21,098 --> 00:02:23,200 - M'kay. - No, no. 60 00:02:23,200 --> 00:02:25,269 Not... not "m'kay." 61 00:02:25,269 --> 00:02:27,338 This is something you should be thinking seriously about. 62 00:02:27,338 --> 00:02:31,108 You should find someone whose path you wanna walk. 63 00:02:31,108 --> 00:02:32,610 For instance, since... 64 00:02:32,610 --> 00:02:35,079 since childhood... 65 00:02:37,148 --> 00:02:39,350 My role model has been... 66 00:02:39,350 --> 00:02:40,518 Dave Thomas. 67 00:02:40,518 --> 00:02:43,020 Isn't he the hamburglar? 68 00:02:43,020 --> 00:02:45,756 No. Dave was the perfect role model for me 69 00:02:45,756 --> 00:02:47,058 because he started from the bottom. 70 00:02:47,058 --> 00:02:49,393 ♪ Now he here ♪ 71 00:02:49,393 --> 00:02:51,462 ♪ Started from the bottom, now the whole team... ♪ 72 00:02:51,462 --> 00:02:52,663 If you'll quiet yourself, 73 00:02:52,663 --> 00:02:55,566 there is a quote in here about Colonel Sanders... 74 00:02:55,566 --> 00:02:57,001 Mm. 75 00:02:57,001 --> 00:02:59,503 Basically got me through sophomore year. 76 00:02:59,503 --> 00:03:01,038 Um... 77 00:03:01,038 --> 00:03:02,673 Oh, my God. Oh, my God. 78 00:03:02,673 --> 00:03:05,242 Were you a skater boy? 79 00:03:05,242 --> 00:03:08,079 As a youth, I thrashed, 80 00:03:08,079 --> 00:03:10,715 enjoyed the occasional kickflip, ollied about periodically. 81 00:03:10,715 --> 00:03:13,317 Wow. You even make skate culture sound boring. 82 00:03:13,317 --> 00:03:16,487 Okay, Henry, I'll report back when I find a female role model. 83 00:03:16,487 --> 00:03:18,789 And since I wasn't sure whose life I wanted, 84 00:03:18,789 --> 00:03:20,091 I decided to start with someone 85 00:03:20,091 --> 00:03:21,525 who, judging from her frown lines, 86 00:03:21,525 --> 00:03:24,028 had a crapload of life experience. 87 00:03:24,028 --> 00:03:25,663 Joan. 88 00:03:25,663 --> 00:03:28,432 As someone who is way older than me, 89 00:03:28,432 --> 00:03:30,267 you've had a pretty good life, right? 90 00:03:30,267 --> 00:03:31,769 It's been adequate. 91 00:03:31,769 --> 00:03:33,771 And what advice would you give someone hoping to attain 92 00:03:33,771 --> 00:03:35,740 the lifestyle you are currently living? 93 00:03:38,109 --> 00:03:40,111 You can never have too much bath tissue. 94 00:03:40,111 --> 00:03:43,180 So it wasn't gonna be Joan. 95 00:03:44,148 --> 00:03:45,750 Charmonique? 96 00:03:45,750 --> 00:03:48,419 How would you like to be a model? 97 00:03:48,419 --> 00:03:50,421 Mm, been there, done that. 98 00:03:50,421 --> 00:03:52,022 Seriously? 99 00:03:52,022 --> 00:03:53,157 Mm-hmm. I worked my way through college 100 00:03:53,157 --> 00:03:55,292 as a hand model for stock photos. 101 00:03:55,292 --> 00:03:58,562 Don't believe me? Google "Racial equality hands." 102 00:04:01,165 --> 00:04:03,200 This baby girl right here 103 00:04:03,200 --> 00:04:06,370 has graced some of the finest brochures, leaflets, 104 00:04:06,370 --> 00:04:09,073 and prints ads in... America. 105 00:04:09,073 --> 00:04:10,307 May I? 106 00:04:10,307 --> 00:04:12,276 Please. 107 00:04:12,276 --> 00:04:15,079 Ahh! It's like silk! 108 00:04:15,079 --> 00:04:16,180 Mm-hmm. 109 00:04:16,180 --> 00:04:18,315 You are the perfect choice to be my role model! 110 00:04:18,315 --> 00:04:19,683 Mnh-mnh. Pass. 111 00:04:19,683 --> 00:04:21,051 But you're an inspiration to me. 112 00:04:21,051 --> 00:04:22,520 And I wanna be just like you. 113 00:04:22,520 --> 00:04:25,055 Everybody does, but they can't. 114 00:04:25,055 --> 00:04:28,259 You can't just wake up one day, decide to become Charmonique, 115 00:04:28,259 --> 00:04:30,995 and then just magically be her. Unh-unh! 116 00:04:49,410 --> 00:04:50,110 - synced and corrected by chamallow - - www.addic7ed.com - 117 00:04:52,283 --> 00:04:54,151 Hello. 118 00:04:54,151 --> 00:04:56,453 What are you doing standing right outside the men's room? 119 00:04:56,453 --> 00:04:57,721 Waiting for you. 120 00:04:57,721 --> 00:04:59,423 Well, I really wish you wouldn't ambush me. 121 00:04:59,423 --> 00:05:01,258 Okay, Henry, sure. No problem. 122 00:05:01,258 --> 00:05:02,660 I can do you that favor, 123 00:05:02,660 --> 00:05:06,564 just as long as you do a small favor for me in return. 124 00:05:06,564 --> 00:05:08,065 Okay. 125 00:05:08,065 --> 00:05:11,335 So you know how I've been trying to get Kevin to be more active 126 00:05:11,335 --> 00:05:14,538 after he's been diagnosed as prehypertensive? 127 00:05:14,538 --> 00:05:16,140 I did not know that. 128 00:05:16,140 --> 00:05:19,243 Who knew a nugget-based diet could be so harmful? 129 00:05:19,243 --> 00:05:21,045 Everyone, yeah. 130 00:05:21,045 --> 00:05:24,415 Dietarily, it's always the thing you'd least expect. 131 00:05:24,415 --> 00:05:27,151 - First thing I'd expect. - And yet, the kid has to eat. 132 00:05:27,151 --> 00:05:28,285 Anywho... 133 00:05:28,285 --> 00:05:29,620 Kevin has taken an interest in skateboarding. 134 00:05:29,620 --> 00:05:32,556 And Eliza told me that you used to be a wood pusher. 135 00:05:32,556 --> 00:05:33,991 - Mm-hmm. - So I thought maybe... 136 00:05:33,991 --> 00:05:35,226 You could teach him. 137 00:05:35,226 --> 00:05:37,061 Hmm. No. Absolutely not. 138 00:05:37,061 --> 00:05:38,262 Charmonique, sorry to disappoint you, 139 00:05:38,262 --> 00:05:39,763 but I have a lot of work to do. 140 00:05:39,763 --> 00:05:42,633 She also told me how passionately you feel 141 00:05:42,633 --> 00:05:45,269 about the importance of role models. 142 00:05:45,269 --> 00:05:48,672 And who needs a role model more than a hypertense 10-year-old 143 00:05:48,672 --> 00:05:51,175 with sleep apnea and no male presence? 144 00:05:51,175 --> 00:05:53,477 Okay. Fine. Fine. I will teach him a few things. 145 00:05:53,477 --> 00:05:55,713 But this will not be an everyday occurrence. 146 00:05:55,713 --> 00:05:57,748 Okay, I gotcha. I gotcha. 147 00:05:57,748 --> 00:06:01,118 Just once in a blue moon... like his real father. 148 00:06:01,118 --> 00:06:02,386 Don't put that on me, Charmonique! 149 00:06:02,386 --> 00:06:04,321 It is what it is. 150 00:06:07,324 --> 00:06:10,127 I was beginning to give up hope of ever finding a role model, 151 00:06:10,127 --> 00:06:11,662 until I remembered I did use to have one... 152 00:06:11,662 --> 00:06:13,163 Alpha bitch... 153 00:06:13,163 --> 00:06:14,632 Corynn McWatters. 154 00:06:14,632 --> 00:06:16,066 Back in the day, 155 00:06:16,066 --> 00:06:18,002 Corynn was smoking hot and insanely popular. 156 00:06:18,002 --> 00:06:21,005 But judging by Lindsay Lohan, Debbie Gibson, and J.T.T., 157 00:06:21,005 --> 00:06:23,574 teenage popularity does not age well. 158 00:06:23,574 --> 00:06:26,477 And I was guessing Corynn would be no different. 159 00:06:26,477 --> 00:06:28,479 Oh, my God! She's... 160 00:06:28,479 --> 00:06:30,047 Not exactly what I had in mind. 161 00:06:30,047 --> 00:06:32,516 But why? Why? 162 00:06:32,516 --> 00:06:33,684 - Look. Look. - Yeah? 163 00:06:33,684 --> 00:06:35,219 She renovated a farmhouse in Provence 164 00:06:35,219 --> 00:06:37,655 with her award-winning nature photographer husband. 165 00:06:37,655 --> 00:06:40,424 She's got two adorable kids who model part-time for J. Crew. 166 00:06:40,424 --> 00:06:42,559 She's friends with the Barefoot Contessa. 167 00:06:42,559 --> 00:06:45,162 And oh, my God. She knows how to make mussels. Mussels, Henry. 168 00:06:45,162 --> 00:06:46,664 Is it really that hard to make mussels? 169 00:06:46,664 --> 00:06:47,731 Don't you just boil them? 170 00:06:49,066 --> 00:06:51,302 If it's so easy, why don't you make some? 171 00:06:51,302 --> 00:06:53,504 Hmm? Go ahead. Where they at? 172 00:06:53,504 --> 00:06:56,340 Where the mussels at, Henry? Huh? Huh? 173 00:06:56,340 --> 00:06:58,142 Where the mussels at? 174 00:06:58,142 --> 00:07:00,177 Eliza, this person terrorized you in middle school, 175 00:07:00,177 --> 00:07:01,512 elected you "most butt," 176 00:07:01,512 --> 00:07:03,514 and, in your own words, "made you feel more disgusting 177 00:07:03,514 --> 00:07:06,250 than Mary-Kate's old French boyfriend." 178 00:07:06,250 --> 00:07:08,052 I'm sorry. I just don't think 179 00:07:08,052 --> 00:07:10,321 Corynn McWatters is the right role model for you. 180 00:07:10,321 --> 00:07:13,157 The old Corynn wasn't. But look, look, look, look, look. 181 00:07:13,157 --> 00:07:14,658 Not only is she a published author, 182 00:07:14,658 --> 00:07:18,162 but she also has a goldendoodle named Hugh Dancy, 183 00:07:18,162 --> 00:07:20,731 and I want a goldendoodle named Hugh Dancy. 184 00:07:20,731 --> 00:07:24,001 Oh, my God! Oh, look at Hugh Dancy. 185 00:07:24,001 --> 00:07:27,171 Who's a good Hugh Dancy? Who's a good, good Hugh Dancy? 186 00:07:29,373 --> 00:07:31,342 All right, let's get a hold of ourselves. 187 00:07:31,342 --> 00:07:35,045 Her Instagram is curated within an inch of its life. 188 00:07:35,045 --> 00:07:38,048 You of all people should know how easy it is to fake perfection. 189 00:07:38,048 --> 00:07:40,050 Yes, except she's not faking. I checked. 190 00:07:40,050 --> 00:07:42,186 No heavy filter usage. 191 00:07:42,186 --> 00:07:43,420 No suss cropping... this is a low angle. 192 00:07:43,420 --> 00:07:45,189 If she had chins, we'd be seeing them. 193 00:07:45,189 --> 00:07:47,024 Isn't there some chin removing app 194 00:07:47,024 --> 00:07:48,359 that you're unaware of? 195 00:07:48,359 --> 00:07:50,761 Um, hello. Eliza Dooley. 196 00:07:50,761 --> 00:07:52,162 It's a pleasure to meet you. 197 00:07:52,162 --> 00:07:54,098 There are no apps I am unaware of. 198 00:07:54,098 --> 00:07:55,232 Who do you think you're talking to, Henry? 199 00:07:55,232 --> 00:07:56,667 Some newborn Instagram baby? 200 00:07:56,667 --> 00:07:59,470 Look, Corynn is having a book reading tonight. 201 00:07:59,470 --> 00:08:01,038 Just come with me and see for yourself. 202 00:08:03,240 --> 00:08:04,641 You think Hugh Dancy will be there? 203 00:08:06,178 --> 00:08:07,446 When you take a surf lesson, 204 00:08:07,446 --> 00:08:09,681 you don't just jump right in the ocean, do you? 205 00:08:11,581 --> 00:08:13,137 No. You don't. 206 00:08:13,137 --> 00:08:16,240 Hey, hey! Henry, do not yell at him. 207 00:08:16,240 --> 00:08:17,875 His blood pressure. 208 00:08:17,875 --> 00:08:20,344 I wasn't yelling. I was just trying to make a p... 209 00:08:20,344 --> 00:08:22,713 let's move on. 210 00:08:22,713 --> 00:08:24,215 Now when approaching a skateboard, 211 00:08:24,215 --> 00:08:25,916 one must always be mindful... 212 00:08:25,916 --> 00:08:27,918 Yes, Kevin? What is it? 213 00:08:27,918 --> 00:08:30,020 I have no agilities. 214 00:08:30,020 --> 00:08:31,455 That's true. He doesn't. 215 00:08:31,455 --> 00:08:34,024 Fortunately, one needn't be agile to skate. 216 00:08:34,024 --> 00:08:36,360 However, one must be knowledgeable. 217 00:08:36,360 --> 00:08:39,163 So we begin in 1972. 218 00:08:39,163 --> 00:08:41,165 A man by the name of Frank Nasworthy 219 00:08:41,165 --> 00:08:43,901 has just invented the polyurethane wheel... 220 00:08:43,901 --> 00:08:46,370 ... under the crushing grip of the infamous plywood lobby, 221 00:08:46,370 --> 00:08:49,039 which brings us to 1951. 222 00:08:49,039 --> 00:08:51,909 1951?! We moving backwards? 223 00:08:51,909 --> 00:08:53,210 Boards were plentiful, sure. 224 00:08:53,210 --> 00:08:54,912 But none with wheels. 225 00:08:54,912 --> 00:08:58,048 Do you mind? We're in the middle of a lesson. 226 00:08:58,048 --> 00:08:59,784 A lesson about what? 227 00:08:59,784 --> 00:09:01,051 About skateboarding. 228 00:09:01,051 --> 00:09:03,854 You want a lesson from a non-poseur? 229 00:09:03,854 --> 00:09:05,990 - Come by the skate park. - No doubt. 230 00:09:08,859 --> 00:09:10,327 Non-poseur? 231 00:09:10,327 --> 00:09:12,463 Who is a... are you s... 232 00:09:12,463 --> 00:09:13,831 Henry wasn't the only one 233 00:09:13,831 --> 00:09:16,066 confronting a childhood insecurity. 234 00:09:16,066 --> 00:09:19,069 I was about to meet mine at her book signing. 235 00:09:19,069 --> 00:09:22,840 And even though Corynn wasn't the perfect role model, 236 00:09:22,840 --> 00:09:24,375 she had to be better than that slut. 237 00:09:30,848 --> 00:09:33,884 If she had work done... and I'm not saying she did... 238 00:09:33,884 --> 00:09:35,786 you can bet your ass it was some top-shelf new-new 239 00:09:35,786 --> 00:09:37,021 probably done in Dubai. 240 00:09:40,791 --> 00:09:42,459 Enchantée, everyone. 241 00:09:42,459 --> 00:09:44,728 Thank you so much for being here. 242 00:09:44,728 --> 00:09:48,728 This book, "La Bonne Table: Recipes, memories, et moi," 243 00:09:49,934 --> 00:09:52,369 was a real labor of love for me... 244 00:09:52,369 --> 00:09:54,405 emphasis on the labor. 245 00:09:54,405 --> 00:09:56,407 Corynn. 246 00:09:56,407 --> 00:09:57,741 A lot of the inspiration for the book 247 00:09:57,741 --> 00:09:59,476 came from my childhood. 248 00:09:59,476 --> 00:10:00,811 I grew up with her. 249 00:10:00,811 --> 00:10:02,847 Not that it was easy. 250 00:10:02,847 --> 00:10:04,748 I was a total nerd. 251 00:10:04,748 --> 00:10:06,350 No friends. 252 00:10:06,350 --> 00:10:09,153 The kids at school even voted me "most butt." 253 00:10:09,153 --> 00:10:10,788 What?! 254 00:10:10,788 --> 00:10:14,024 I was "most butt"! She was "most popular"! 255 00:10:14,024 --> 00:10:15,893 Once had a sleepover. 256 00:10:15,893 --> 00:10:17,795 The popular girls cut off my hair. 257 00:10:17,795 --> 00:10:20,331 You! Oh! I cried and cried. 258 00:10:20,331 --> 00:10:22,867 The only thing that could comfort me 259 00:10:22,867 --> 00:10:25,870 was my maman's French onion soup. 260 00:10:25,870 --> 00:10:27,338 Page 29. 261 00:10:27,338 --> 00:10:29,206 - That was my story. - Cook onion... 262 00:10:29,206 --> 00:10:30,908 Expect for the soup part. 263 00:10:30,908 --> 00:10:33,444 As I recall, I pity-binged on SnackWell's and Crystal Pepsi. 264 00:10:33,444 --> 00:10:35,880 But other than that, can you believe this?! 265 00:10:35,880 --> 00:10:37,915 Huh?! That bitch stole my life! 266 00:10:41,151 --> 00:10:44,855 Merci. Merci beaucoup. 267 00:10:44,855 --> 00:10:47,758 And now I'd like to open it up for all of your questions. 268 00:10:47,758 --> 00:10:49,159 Ms. McWatters, 269 00:10:49,159 --> 00:10:50,895 I'd like to ask about the time... 270 00:10:50,895 --> 00:10:52,763 Yeah. I have a question, Corynn. 271 00:10:52,763 --> 00:10:55,766 What does it feel like to be a big fat liar?! 272 00:10:55,766 --> 00:10:58,869 For starters, I'm certainly not fat. 273 00:10:58,869 --> 00:11:01,405 Hey! You heard me! Liar! 274 00:11:01,405 --> 00:11:03,140 - Eliza! - You still look super hot. 275 00:11:03,140 --> 00:11:05,843 Do you remember me? 276 00:11:05,843 --> 00:11:07,811 Security! 277 00:11:07,811 --> 00:11:09,713 - I got her! She's mine! I got her! - Get away from me! 278 00:11:09,713 --> 00:11:12,416 Just get out of my way! Corynn... 279 00:11:12,416 --> 00:11:14,251 If you were voted "most butt," 280 00:11:14,251 --> 00:11:16,320 then who was voted "most popular," huh? Me? 281 00:11:16,320 --> 00:11:17,888 Come on, Corynn. I really wanna know. 282 00:11:17,888 --> 00:11:19,156 - Huh? Aah! - Yeah! 283 00:11:20,791 --> 00:11:23,794 Those are my stories! I'm Corynn McWatters! 284 00:11:23,794 --> 00:11:25,796 Uhh! I'm Corynn! 285 00:11:25,796 --> 00:11:26,931 Oh. 286 00:11:26,931 --> 00:11:29,867 The second she walks out, I'm gonna jump her. 287 00:11:29,867 --> 00:11:31,302 I'm gonna jump her! You can't stop me! 288 00:11:31,302 --> 00:11:32,870 She's not jumping anyone, sir. 289 00:11:32,870 --> 00:11:35,739 As long she doesn't jump her inside the store, 290 00:11:35,739 --> 00:11:36,907 we're good. 291 00:11:36,907 --> 00:11:38,909 You are a grown woman. You are not jumping anyone. 292 00:11:38,909 --> 00:11:40,377 Corynn is a lying monster! 293 00:11:40,377 --> 00:11:43,147 Which is exactly why I said she's not a good role model. 294 00:11:43,147 --> 00:11:44,715 This is consistent 295 00:11:44,715 --> 00:11:45,883 with everything you've told me about her. 296 00:11:45,883 --> 00:11:47,251 I can't fathom why you're so surprised. 297 00:11:47,251 --> 00:11:49,787 Henry, I don't need you to be right right now, okay? 298 00:11:49,787 --> 00:11:51,322 Okay. 299 00:11:51,322 --> 00:11:53,057 Corynn has taught me 300 00:11:53,057 --> 00:11:55,225 that everything about myself is wrong... 301 00:11:55,225 --> 00:11:56,760 the way I walked, 302 00:11:56,760 --> 00:11:58,996 the way I talked, 303 00:11:58,996 --> 00:12:00,464 the way I dressed. 304 00:12:00,464 --> 00:12:02,900 And I... I worked really hard 305 00:12:02,900 --> 00:12:04,501 to change that person. 306 00:12:04,501 --> 00:12:08,339 To not be that person. 307 00:12:08,339 --> 00:12:12,042 And then she... she stole that person. 308 00:12:19,883 --> 00:12:21,118 When you're young, 309 00:12:21,118 --> 00:12:23,854 everybody pretends to be something they're not. 310 00:12:23,854 --> 00:12:26,824 I used to tell people my dad invented velcro. 311 00:12:28,225 --> 00:12:30,327 I used to tell people I was good at skateboarding 312 00:12:30,327 --> 00:12:32,830 even though I wasn't. 313 00:12:32,830 --> 00:12:34,298 I thought it made me seem cool. 314 00:12:36,100 --> 00:12:37,835 You're not cool. 315 00:12:37,835 --> 00:12:39,870 No. 316 00:12:39,870 --> 00:12:41,338 I never was. 317 00:12:44,308 --> 00:12:46,443 But she is. 318 00:12:51,204 --> 00:12:53,573 It's open! 319 00:12:55,308 --> 00:12:56,509 It's open? 320 00:12:57,677 --> 00:12:58,845 I really wish you wouldn't do that. 321 00:12:58,845 --> 00:13:00,213 Somebody could come right in here. 322 00:13:00,213 --> 00:13:01,581 There's nothing anyone can take 323 00:13:01,581 --> 00:13:04,317 that hasn't already been taken by Corynn McWatters. 324 00:13:04,317 --> 00:13:06,853 Expect for this Crystal Pepsi that I bought on eBay. 325 00:13:06,853 --> 00:13:08,588 I can't believe what I'm seeing. 326 00:13:08,588 --> 00:13:10,923 I know, right? It only cost $80. 327 00:13:10,923 --> 00:13:14,360 $80? All right, we're... we're gonna come back to that. 328 00:13:14,360 --> 00:13:16,395 Eliza, I can't believe you're letting Corynn McWatters 329 00:13:16,395 --> 00:13:17,663 get away with this. 330 00:13:17,663 --> 00:13:20,800 What am I supposed to do? She's Corynn McWatters. 331 00:13:20,800 --> 00:13:22,635 And you're Eliza Dooley. 332 00:13:22,635 --> 00:13:24,203 Hey. 333 00:13:24,203 --> 00:13:25,605 You are the same girl 334 00:13:25,605 --> 00:13:27,173 who gave Ryan Gosling's cousin a lap dance 335 00:13:27,173 --> 00:13:28,441 at a house party in Encino. 336 00:13:28,441 --> 00:13:30,176 Or was that some other Eliza Dooley? 337 00:13:30,176 --> 00:13:32,678 No. That was me. 338 00:13:32,678 --> 00:13:34,680 I... I imagine that required a fair amount of bravery 339 00:13:34,680 --> 00:13:36,315 - on your part. - Oh. 340 00:13:36,315 --> 00:13:38,751 It did. There was no music on. 341 00:13:38,751 --> 00:13:41,220 Okay, then. Where's that girl? 342 00:13:41,220 --> 00:13:43,523 Right here. 343 00:13:43,523 --> 00:13:44,590 - Yeah! - Whoo! 344 00:13:44,590 --> 00:13:46,192 Whoo! Yeah! 345 00:13:46,192 --> 00:13:48,261 - Whoo! - Okay. 346 00:13:48,261 --> 00:13:50,730 This is... okay. All right. All... okay. 347 00:13:50,730 --> 00:13:52,532 Your leg is... 348 00:13:52,532 --> 00:13:54,734 I don't want you to give me a lap dance. 349 00:13:54,734 --> 00:13:57,236 I want you to stop feeling sorry for yourself 350 00:13:57,236 --> 00:13:58,738 and start standing up for yourself. 351 00:13:58,738 --> 00:14:00,406 You have a lot to be proud of. 352 00:14:00,406 --> 00:14:02,475 - Yeah. - Yeah! 353 00:14:02,475 --> 00:14:05,845 I also dry humped Macklemore. 354 00:14:07,513 --> 00:14:08,881 After a good night's sleep 355 00:14:08,881 --> 00:14:10,216 and some extra strength Tylenol, 356 00:14:10,216 --> 00:14:11,751 I decided to approach Corynn 357 00:14:11,751 --> 00:14:14,253 and have a calm, rational conversation about 358 00:14:14,253 --> 00:14:16,422 what a trifling-ass bitch she was. 359 00:14:16,422 --> 00:14:18,558 Okay, I want a fair fight. Okay. 360 00:14:18,558 --> 00:14:20,293 Her kids are nearby, so nothing below the belt. Go. 361 00:14:20,293 --> 00:14:21,894 Hi, Corynn. 362 00:14:21,894 --> 00:14:23,296 Remember me? 363 00:14:23,296 --> 00:14:24,730 Aren't you the crazy woman 364 00:14:24,730 --> 00:14:26,933 who was escorted out of my reading last night? 365 00:14:26,933 --> 00:14:29,302 Yes, she is. Sorry. 366 00:14:29,302 --> 00:14:32,204 But I'm also Eliza. 367 00:14:33,539 --> 00:14:35,408 Eliza Dooley. 368 00:14:36,809 --> 00:14:38,711 "Most butt." 369 00:14:38,711 --> 00:14:41,747 Eliza? Wow. 370 00:14:41,747 --> 00:14:43,182 I haven't said this since I became a mother, 371 00:14:43,182 --> 00:14:46,552 but holy [Bleep] [Bleep], you look amazing. 372 00:14:46,552 --> 00:14:48,254 I know. 373 00:14:48,254 --> 00:14:49,522 You're like a totally different person. 374 00:14:49,522 --> 00:14:51,390 No, you are a totally different person. 375 00:14:51,390 --> 00:14:52,758 Specifically, my person. 376 00:14:52,758 --> 00:14:55,294 More specifically, the person I used to be. 377 00:14:55,294 --> 00:14:57,964 To be, uh, super specific, you stole her identity. 378 00:14:57,964 --> 00:14:59,332 Which, depending on the state, 379 00:14:59,332 --> 00:15:00,900 is anything from a first-degree felony 380 00:15:00,900 --> 00:15:02,201 to a third-degree misdemeanor. 381 00:15:02,201 --> 00:15:04,270 So kiss your kids goodbye, Corynn. 382 00:15:04,270 --> 00:15:05,838 You're going to prison. 383 00:15:05,838 --> 00:15:08,341 She's... she's not going to prison. 384 00:15:08,341 --> 00:15:11,210 That's a different kind of identity theft. 385 00:15:11,210 --> 00:15:13,245 She was never that bright. 386 00:15:13,245 --> 00:15:14,780 This was a really bad idea. 387 00:15:14,780 --> 00:15:16,349 Let's just get out of here. 388 00:15:16,349 --> 00:15:17,783 No, no. Eliza... 389 00:15:17,783 --> 00:15:19,719 I'm sorry I stole 390 00:15:19,719 --> 00:15:23,456 your sad-sack, "most butt" nonexistence. 391 00:15:23,456 --> 00:15:24,790 Apology accepted. Thanks, Corynn. 392 00:15:24,790 --> 00:15:28,361 But I just need that backstory more than you do. 393 00:15:28,361 --> 00:15:31,797 No one wants life lessons and dinner planning ideas 394 00:15:31,797 --> 00:15:34,300 from a still-gorgeous former mean girl. 395 00:15:34,300 --> 00:15:36,369 Former mean girl? 396 00:15:38,170 --> 00:15:40,673 You just burned Corynn McWatters! 397 00:15:40,673 --> 00:15:42,642 Now you try. Ah... 398 00:15:44,310 --> 00:15:46,545 Hey, Corynn, 399 00:15:46,545 --> 00:15:47,913 your quick-and-easy dinner ideas 400 00:15:47,913 --> 00:15:49,715 are neither quick nor easy. 401 00:15:49,715 --> 00:15:51,283 I tried to make one last night, 402 00:15:51,283 --> 00:15:55,287 and it took me forever and it tasted like crap. 403 00:15:58,257 --> 00:16:01,260 That's more of a burn on you, but really good try! Yeah! 404 00:16:01,260 --> 00:16:04,697 I did it. I handled Corynn McWatters. 405 00:16:04,697 --> 00:16:08,300 And now there was something Henry needed to do. 406 00:16:08,300 --> 00:16:09,835 One... 407 00:16:09,835 --> 00:16:10,870 Whoo! 408 00:16:10,870 --> 00:16:12,405 Two... 409 00:16:13,873 --> 00:16:15,207 Whoo! Yeah! 410 00:16:15,207 --> 00:16:16,509 Two... 411 00:16:16,509 --> 00:16:18,310 Do it, bro! 412 00:16:18,310 --> 00:16:20,246 Just drop in! Whoo! 413 00:16:20,246 --> 00:16:22,181 - Whoo! - Yeah. Come on. Do it. 414 00:16:22,181 --> 00:16:23,382 What if I die? 415 00:16:23,382 --> 00:16:26,218 - What if you live? - Yeah. 416 00:16:26,218 --> 00:16:28,688 Right. Yeah. 417 00:16:31,424 --> 00:16:32,858 Whoo! 418 00:16:34,427 --> 00:16:36,195 No. Didn't work. 419 00:16:36,195 --> 00:16:39,932 Okay, on the count of three, I'm... I'm just gonna run up 420 00:16:39,932 --> 00:16:41,434 and I'm gonna push you in, okay? 421 00:16:41,434 --> 00:16:43,669 - No, you can't do that! - Push him! Ride or die! 422 00:16:43,669 --> 00:16:46,172 - Yeah! - No! 423 00:16:46,172 --> 00:16:47,940 One! 424 00:16:47,940 --> 00:16:49,608 - Come on! - Two! 425 00:16:49,608 --> 00:16:50,876 Three! 426 00:16:50,876 --> 00:16:52,845 Oh, God! 427 00:16:52,845 --> 00:16:55,481 Oh, my God! Henry! 428 00:16:57,683 --> 00:17:00,920 I did it! 429 00:17:00,920 --> 00:17:04,390 I think I broke every bone in my body. 430 00:17:04,390 --> 00:17:08,227 Hey, somebody get me a frosty! 431 00:17:08,227 --> 00:17:11,263 I was proud of Henry, and it seemed like everyone 432 00:17:11,263 --> 00:17:12,865 was traveling outside of their comfort zone. 433 00:17:12,865 --> 00:17:15,401 Linda, is that a French braid? 434 00:17:15,401 --> 00:17:19,705 Yeah. I decided to try something different. 435 00:17:19,705 --> 00:17:22,241 I just find her so incredibly inspiring. 436 00:17:22,241 --> 00:17:25,277 Apparently, she comes from a very ugly background, 437 00:17:25,277 --> 00:17:28,481 and she overcame all of that to be hot and successful. 438 00:17:28,481 --> 00:17:29,815 Did you read it? 439 00:17:29,815 --> 00:17:33,919 Read it? Hell, I practically wrote it. 440 00:17:36,255 --> 00:17:37,323 I didn't need to search the world 441 00:17:37,323 --> 00:17:38,724 for a positive female role model 442 00:17:38,724 --> 00:17:41,327 with a more robust hairline than Madeleine Albright. 443 00:17:43,496 --> 00:17:45,397 I already had one. 444 00:17:46,966 --> 00:17:49,769 13-year-old me would have never believed it. 445 00:17:49,769 --> 00:17:51,337 I had surpassed expectations 446 00:17:51,337 --> 00:17:54,306 and grown up to have a hot boyfriend and a cool job. 447 00:17:54,306 --> 00:17:56,275 13-year-old me would be really proud. 448 00:17:56,275 --> 00:17:59,278 And now it was time to show 13-year-old me 449 00:17:59,278 --> 00:18:02,281 that I was proud of her, too. 450 00:18:26,238 --> 00:18:27,406 Yeah. 451 00:18:27,406 --> 00:18:30,176 Yes! 452 00:18:31,877 --> 00:18:35,414 Whoo! 453 00:18:38,184 --> 00:18:40,352 What... what the hell, baby? 454 00:18:40,352 --> 00:18:42,421 Do you like it? 455 00:18:42,421 --> 00:18:45,524 You're crazy. 456 00:18:46,725 --> 00:18:48,227 Is that you? 457 00:18:48,227 --> 00:18:49,495 Hey. 458 00:18:49,495 --> 00:18:50,696 It's not funny. It's not. 459 00:18:50,696 --> 00:18:54,366 Oh, come on. It's... it's a little funny. 460 00:18:54,366 --> 00:18:57,636 Yeah, maybe it's a little funny. 461 00:19:00,239 --> 00:19:03,275 What's her deal, huh? 462 00:19:03,275 --> 00:19:04,710 What's she into? 463 00:19:04,710 --> 00:19:08,214 I don't know. 464 00:19:08,214 --> 00:19:10,382 New Kids on the Block and... Furby. 465 00:19:10,382 --> 00:19:11,650 Yeah? 466 00:19:11,650 --> 00:19:13,385 Well... 467 00:19:13,385 --> 00:19:16,789 Think she might like a cute boy to take her to concert sometime? 468 00:19:16,789 --> 00:19:20,789 I think she would literally crap her pants. 469 00:19:21,493 --> 00:19:22,895 Then tell her to bring a change of pants. 470 00:19:30,202 --> 00:19:31,570 That night, I dreamt about 471 00:19:31,570 --> 00:19:33,339 next year's "Women in Pharma" brunch, 472 00:19:33,339 --> 00:19:36,542 which I would def be at. 473 00:19:36,542 --> 00:19:39,712 Because who knows how many other women I could inspire? 474 00:19:43,282 --> 00:19:45,551 That's your new mantra. 475 00:19:45,551 --> 00:19:47,253 That's a good mantra. 476 00:19:47,253 --> 00:19:48,320 Where's your G.F.? 477 00:19:48,320 --> 00:19:52,358 Eliza? Oh, she's not my G.F. She's just my F. 478 00:19:52,358 --> 00:19:54,360 You ever hook up with her? 479 00:19:54,360 --> 00:19:56,262 No. 480 00:19:56,262 --> 00:19:57,897 But I once saw her naked. 481 00:19:57,897 --> 00:19:59,365 - All right! - Yeah! 482 00:19:59,365 --> 00:20:00,799 Wait. 483 00:20:00,799 --> 00:20:02,768 You saw her naked but you didn't hook up with her? 484 00:20:02,768 --> 00:20:05,170 What happened to "no fear"? 485 00:20:05,170 --> 00:20:06,805 That's before I had this. 486 00:21:27,853 --> 00:21:30,856 - Next time, I'll be ready. - Yeah, right. 487 00:21:30,856 --> 00:21:32,191 Nice. 488 00:21:37,196 --> 00:21:39,598 Whoo. 489 00:21:48,337 --> 00:21:53,337 - synced and corrected by chamallow - - www.addic7ed.com - 9999 00:00:0,500 --> 00:00:2,00 www.tvsubtitles.net 34898

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