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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:02,511 --> 00:00:05,513 ( theme music playing ) 2 00:00:38,914 --> 00:00:40,982 YOU ARE PROBABLY SAYING TO YOURSELVES, 3 00:00:40,984 --> 00:00:43,418 "HELLO, WHAT IS THIS MAN UP TO?" 4 00:00:43,420 --> 00:00:44,619 I WILL TELL YOU. 5 00:00:44,621 --> 00:00:46,521 HE IS UP TO THE CUCKOO CLOCK. 6 00:00:46,523 --> 00:00:48,423 HE IS TRYING TO WEDGE THE LITTLE DOOR. 7 00:00:48,425 --> 00:00:50,057 AND WHY IS HE DOING THAT? 8 00:00:50,059 --> 00:00:51,393 I WILL SHOW YOU. 9 00:00:51,395 --> 00:00:54,061 ( clock cuckoos ) 10 00:00:58,567 --> 00:00:59,701 THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS 11 00:00:59,703 --> 00:01:01,869 WHEN YOU REPLACE THE REAL WEIGHT 12 00:01:01,871 --> 00:01:04,306 WITH ONE MADE FROM FOUR BARS OF PURE GOLD 13 00:01:04,308 --> 00:01:06,174 BELONGING TO GENERAL VON KLINKERHOFFEN, 14 00:01:06,176 --> 00:01:08,410 WHICH I HAD STOLEN EARLIER, 15 00:01:08,412 --> 00:01:10,478 MELTED DOWN AND PAINTED BROWN. 16 00:01:11,847 --> 00:01:14,416 I AM, OF COURSE, TRYING TO PUT OUT OF MY MIND 17 00:01:14,418 --> 00:01:17,185 THE 257 EXPLODING CHRISTMAS PUDDINGS 18 00:01:17,187 --> 00:01:19,688 WHICH ARE STILL IN MY CELLAR, 19 00:01:19,690 --> 00:01:22,524 EACH ONE MARKED, "BEST BEFORE D-DAY," 20 00:01:24,360 --> 00:01:26,361 WHATEVER THAT MAY MEAN. 21 00:01:26,363 --> 00:01:28,530 OTHERWISE, YOU WILL BE PLEASED TO HEAR THAT THE PAINTING 22 00:01:28,532 --> 00:01:31,366 OF THE FALLEN MADONNA WITH A LOT UP TOP BY VAN CLOMP, 23 00:01:31,368 --> 00:01:33,201 TOGETHER WITH THE PAINTING OF THE CRACKED VASE 24 00:01:33,203 --> 00:01:35,102 WITH THE BIG DAISIES BY VAN GOGH, 25 00:01:35,104 --> 00:01:38,640 WHICH WE RECENTLY RETRIEVED FROM UNDER THE VERY NOSES OF THE GERMAN GENERALS, 26 00:01:38,642 --> 00:01:41,909 ARE SAFELY HIDDEN IN THESE PACKETS OF SPAGHETTI. 27 00:01:41,911 --> 00:01:45,580 SO FOR ONCE, I AM LOOKING FORWARD TO A LITTLE PEACE. 28 00:01:48,050 --> 00:01:50,418 OH, RENE. 29 00:01:50,420 --> 00:01:52,420 AND HERE SHE IS. 30 00:01:54,056 --> 00:01:57,258 MY BODY IS CRYING OUT FOR YOU. 31 00:01:57,260 --> 00:01:59,260 TAKE ME IN YOUR ARMS. 32 00:01:59,262 --> 00:02:02,063 Both: OOH! 33 00:02:02,065 --> 00:02:03,064 OH, RENE! 34 00:02:05,033 --> 00:02:07,168 WHAT IS HAPPENING? 35 00:02:07,170 --> 00:02:09,337 DO NOT FIGHT IT, YVETTE. 36 00:02:09,339 --> 00:02:10,739 IT IS BIGGER THAN BOTH OF US. 37 00:02:10,741 --> 00:02:12,940 RENE. RENE! 38 00:02:14,309 --> 00:02:16,845 WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH YOUR ARMS AROUND HER? 39 00:02:16,847 --> 00:02:19,647 YOU STUPID WOMAN. 40 00:02:20,816 --> 00:02:22,817 JUST BECAUSE THERE IS A WAR ON, 41 00:02:22,819 --> 00:02:25,987 BALLROOM DANCING CANNOT BE ALLOWED TO DIE OUT. 42 00:02:25,989 --> 00:02:28,590 NOW ONCE AGAIN, SLOW, SLOW, QUICK, QUICK, SLOW. 43 00:02:28,592 --> 00:02:30,992 ( both humming ) ♪ DA DA DA DA DA DA. ♪ 44 00:02:30,994 --> 00:02:34,362 YES, VERY GOOD, YVETTE. NOW RUN ALONG. 45 00:02:34,364 --> 00:02:36,631 SHALL WE TANGO, EDITH? 46 00:02:36,633 --> 00:02:38,733 YES, YES, I KNOW IT IS BEFORE LUNCHTIME, 47 00:02:38,735 --> 00:02:41,002 BUT AFTER ALL, WE ARE MAN AND WIFE. 48 00:02:41,004 --> 00:02:42,837 RENE, I THINK I SHOULD TELL YOU 49 00:02:42,839 --> 00:02:45,139 MONSIEUR ALPHONSE HAS JUST PROPOSED TO ME. 50 00:02:45,141 --> 00:02:47,609 BUT EDITH, YOU ARE MY WIFE. 51 00:02:47,611 --> 00:02:48,976 IN THE EYES OF THE WORLD 52 00:02:48,978 --> 00:02:51,112 I AM THE WIFE OF YOUR DEAD TWIN BROTHER. 53 00:02:51,114 --> 00:02:53,981 BUT I AM MY DEAD TWIN BROTHER. 54 00:02:53,983 --> 00:02:56,618 I HAVE DECIDED TO MARRY MONSIEUR ALPHONSE. 55 00:02:56,620 --> 00:02:57,752 WHAT? 56 00:02:57,754 --> 00:02:59,320 HE LOVES ME. YOU DO NOT. 57 00:02:59,322 --> 00:03:01,155 BUT IF YOU MARRY HIM 58 00:03:01,157 --> 00:03:03,725 HE WILL OWN THIS CAFE AND EVERYTHING IN IT. 59 00:03:03,727 --> 00:03:05,159 SO? 60 00:03:05,161 --> 00:03:08,563 EDITH! EDITH, COME BACK HERE. 61 00:03:08,565 --> 00:03:10,465 WHAT FOOLISH NOTIONS HAVE YOU BEEN PUTTING 62 00:03:10,467 --> 00:03:11,866 INTO THE EMPTY HEAD OF MY WIFE? 63 00:03:11,868 --> 00:03:14,536 SHE IS NOT YOUR WIFE. YOU ARE DEAD. 64 00:03:14,538 --> 00:03:15,703 WHO SAYS SO? 65 00:03:15,705 --> 00:03:17,939 I DO. I AM THE UNDERTAKER. 66 00:03:18,974 --> 00:03:20,308 I BURIED YOU. 67 00:03:20,310 --> 00:03:23,377 WELL, I AM A VERY DISSATISFIED CUSTOMER. 68 00:03:25,113 --> 00:03:27,916 I MUST NOW ASK PERMISSION FOR YOUR HAND 69 00:03:27,918 --> 00:03:29,951 FROM YOUR CHARMING MOTHER. 70 00:03:29,953 --> 00:03:32,353 - WHERE IS SHE? - SHE IS RESTING. 71 00:03:32,355 --> 00:03:33,488 ON THE THIRD FLOOR. 72 00:03:33,490 --> 00:03:35,757 I KNOW. I KNOW. 73 00:03:35,759 --> 00:03:37,826 IT IS A LONG STEEP CLIMB. 74 00:03:38,994 --> 00:03:41,596 BE CAREFUL OF YOUR DICKY TICKER. 75 00:03:41,598 --> 00:03:44,699 I SHALL ASCEND ON THE WINGS OF LOVE. 76 00:03:48,737 --> 00:03:50,171 RENE, MADAME EDITH-- 77 00:03:50,173 --> 00:03:52,173 OH, HECK, MORE TROUBLE. 78 00:03:54,710 --> 00:03:56,410 GATHER ROUND, ALL OF YOU. 79 00:03:58,781 --> 00:04:00,247 ALL OF WHO? 80 00:04:01,316 --> 00:04:03,217 LISTEN VERY CAREFULLY, 81 00:04:03,219 --> 00:04:05,119 I SHALL SAY THIS ONLY ONCE. 82 00:04:05,121 --> 00:04:08,122 LONDON WISHES US TO INITIATE OPERATION WATERLOO. 83 00:04:08,124 --> 00:04:09,891 WATERLOO? 84 00:04:09,893 --> 00:04:12,660 LONDON SAID IT WAS A WORD EVERY FRENCHMAN KNOWS. 85 00:04:12,662 --> 00:04:16,130 YOU HAVE TO GIVE THEM FULL MARKS FOR TACT. 86 00:04:16,132 --> 00:04:18,065 THE BRITISH AIRMEN WILL BE TAKEN AWAY. 87 00:04:18,067 --> 00:04:19,634 I THOUGHT THEY HAD ALREADY GONE. 88 00:04:19,636 --> 00:04:22,871 NO, NO. THEY WILL BE HANGING AROUND SOMEWHERE. 89 00:04:24,473 --> 00:04:26,541 - HELLO. - WHAT HO! 90 00:04:28,343 --> 00:04:30,344 THE MIDGET SUBMARINE WILL BE HERE 91 00:04:30,346 --> 00:04:31,813 TO COLLECT YOU TONIGHT. 92 00:04:31,815 --> 00:04:33,615 HERE ARE YOUR INSTRUCTIONS. 93 00:04:33,617 --> 00:04:35,483 AS WITH ALL SECRET INSTRUCTIONS, 94 00:04:35,485 --> 00:04:37,952 YOU WILL EAT THEM TO PREVENT THEM FROM FALLING INTO ENEMY HANDS. 95 00:04:37,954 --> 00:04:39,988 - RIGHT-O. - WILL DO. 96 00:04:39,990 --> 00:04:42,423 YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO READ THEM FIRST. 97 00:04:43,993 --> 00:04:46,061 Guard: GENERAL VON KLINKERHOFFEN! 98 00:04:54,036 --> 00:04:56,171 - HEIL HITLER. - HEIL HITLER. 99 00:04:56,173 --> 00:04:59,074 NOT IN HERE. YOU DO THE OUTER OFFICE. 100 00:05:01,077 --> 00:05:03,078 NOT IN HERE. YOU DO THE OUTER OFFICE. 101 00:05:04,780 --> 00:05:07,315 I WILL DO THIS ROOM. 102 00:05:07,317 --> 00:05:09,884 GENERAL, IT'S ALREADY BEEN HOOVERED THIS MORNING. 103 00:05:09,886 --> 00:05:12,387 IT WAS NOT A HOOVER. THAT WAS A MINE DETECTOR. 104 00:05:12,389 --> 00:05:14,689 THERE ARE NO MINES HERE. 105 00:05:14,691 --> 00:05:18,259 IT ALSO DETECTS METAL, HIDDEN METAL. 106 00:05:18,261 --> 00:05:19,760 NOTHING IS HIDDEN IN THIS ROOM. 107 00:05:20,762 --> 00:05:22,997 YOUR ASSURANCES, COLONEL, 108 00:05:22,999 --> 00:05:25,100 ARE WORTHLESS. MAY I REMIND YOU 109 00:05:25,102 --> 00:05:27,268 THAT A GESTAPO MICROPHONE WAS FOUND HIDDEN 110 00:05:27,270 --> 00:05:28,803 ON YOUR DESK IN A BOWL OF DAFFODILS? 111 00:05:28,805 --> 00:05:30,605 THAT HAS BEEN DEALT WITH. 112 00:05:30,607 --> 00:05:31,973 WE THREW IT AWAY WHEN THE WATER 113 00:05:31,975 --> 00:05:34,742 GOT GREEN AND SMELLY. 114 00:05:34,744 --> 00:05:37,245 YOU MAY SPEAK FREELY, THERE ARE NO MORE BUGS HERE. 115 00:05:37,247 --> 00:05:39,680 I AM RELIEVED TO HEAR IT. 116 00:05:41,650 --> 00:05:42,984 GENERAL, 117 00:05:44,987 --> 00:05:46,654 THIS METAL YOU ARE LOOKING FOR, 118 00:05:46,656 --> 00:05:48,156 IS IT GOLD? 119 00:05:48,158 --> 00:05:49,790 WHAT? 120 00:05:49,792 --> 00:05:52,460 FOR STASHING AWAY UNTIL AFTER THE WAR? 121 00:05:52,462 --> 00:05:54,695 OF COURSE IT IS NOT GOLD. 122 00:05:54,697 --> 00:05:57,365 I MEAN, A PRECIOUS METAL. 123 00:05:57,367 --> 00:05:58,966 NO. 124 00:05:58,968 --> 00:06:01,503 - WELL, SEMI-PRECIOUS? - NO. 125 00:06:01,505 --> 00:06:04,905 NOT PRECIOUS AT ALL, BUT OF SENTIMENTAL VALUE? 126 00:06:05,907 --> 00:06:08,376 YES, YOU COULD SAY THAT. 127 00:06:08,378 --> 00:06:11,146 IT BELONGS TO ME. AND I INTEND TO FIND IT 128 00:06:11,148 --> 00:06:13,014 EVEN IF I HAVE TO TAKE THIS PLACE APART. 129 00:06:13,016 --> 00:06:15,082 WHAT IS IN THESE DRAWERS? 130 00:06:15,084 --> 00:06:18,085 NOTHING AT ALL, GENERAL... 131 00:06:18,087 --> 00:06:20,588 PARTICULARLY NOT IN THIS DRAWER. 132 00:06:20,590 --> 00:06:22,157 OPEN IT. 133 00:06:22,159 --> 00:06:23,891 I WOULD RATHER NOT. 134 00:06:23,893 --> 00:06:25,893 OUT OF MY WAY. 135 00:06:26,895 --> 00:06:28,296 AH! MY GOD! 136 00:06:30,199 --> 00:06:33,768 STOP, GENERAL, STOP! IT IS WORTH 200 MARKS. 137 00:06:38,006 --> 00:06:39,340 YOU SEE? 138 00:06:39,342 --> 00:06:41,242 DEAD. 139 00:06:41,244 --> 00:06:43,711 General: My God, I hate rats. 140 00:06:47,316 --> 00:06:50,652 I DO NOT LIKE GENERAL VON KLINKERHOFFEN. 141 00:06:50,654 --> 00:06:51,653 WHY NOT? 142 00:06:51,655 --> 00:06:54,189 HE HATES RATS. 143 00:06:54,191 --> 00:06:56,424 RATS ARE MY FAVORITE ANIMAL. 144 00:06:56,426 --> 00:06:58,660 THEY ARE SMALL, SHIFTY AND DISGUSTING, 145 00:06:59,961 --> 00:07:01,196 JUST LIKE YOU. 146 00:07:02,198 --> 00:07:04,932 THANK YOU, HERR FLICK. 147 00:07:06,101 --> 00:07:09,504 I THINK THE GENERAL HAS LOST SOME GOLD. 148 00:07:09,506 --> 00:07:12,073 AND THE COLONEL HAS STOLEN IT. 149 00:07:12,075 --> 00:07:14,475 NO. HE IS TOO STUPID. 150 00:07:14,477 --> 00:07:16,777 THERE IS ONLY ONE MAN WHO WOULD HAVE THE GALL 151 00:07:16,779 --> 00:07:18,346 TO TRY AND OUTWIT US GERMANS, 152 00:07:18,348 --> 00:07:19,747 AND THAT IS RENE. 153 00:07:19,749 --> 00:07:21,616 WE SHALL INTERROGATE HIM. 154 00:07:21,618 --> 00:07:23,951 BUT HE ALWAYS TELLS US LIES. 155 00:07:23,953 --> 00:07:26,987 HE WILL NOT TELL LIES TO A PERSON WITH SEX APPEAL 156 00:07:26,989 --> 00:07:30,525 BREATHING HOT, LUSTFUL BREATH DOWN HIS NECK. 157 00:07:30,527 --> 00:07:33,361 HE IS VERY TALL, HERR FLICK. 158 00:07:38,033 --> 00:07:40,201 I SHOULD HAVE TO STAND ON A CHAIR. 159 00:07:41,570 --> 00:07:44,672 I AM REFERRING TO HELGA. 160 00:07:44,674 --> 00:07:45,840 BRING HER TO ME, 161 00:07:45,842 --> 00:07:48,075 DRESSED IN HOT, LUSTFUL CLOTHES. 162 00:07:48,077 --> 00:07:51,346 MY PLEASURE, HERR FLICK. 163 00:07:51,348 --> 00:07:52,847 AND KEEP YOUR EYES AVERTED. 164 00:07:52,849 --> 00:07:54,349 YES, HERR FLICK. 165 00:08:01,624 --> 00:08:04,292 MADAME, GIVE ME YOUR DAUGHTER. 166 00:08:05,827 --> 00:08:07,128 ALL RIGHT. 167 00:08:07,130 --> 00:08:09,864 WHAT FRENCH BEDROOM FARCE IS THIS? 168 00:08:09,866 --> 00:08:13,000 HE HAS WON MY HEART, AND THE CAFE. 169 00:08:13,002 --> 00:08:15,202 WAIT, EDITH. 170 00:08:15,204 --> 00:08:18,306 JUST NOW, WHEN I WAS CLEANING OUT THE SINK, 171 00:08:18,308 --> 00:08:20,308 IT ALL CAME FLOODING BACK. 172 00:08:21,744 --> 00:08:23,844 MY HOPELESS LOVE AND YEARNING 173 00:08:23,846 --> 00:08:26,180 FOR THE ONLY WOMAN THAT I HAVE EVER, 174 00:08:26,182 --> 00:08:29,116 OR COULD EVER, LOVE. 175 00:08:29,118 --> 00:08:30,217 LET THERE BE A WEDDING, 176 00:08:30,219 --> 00:08:31,886 BUT LET IT BE OURS. 177 00:08:31,888 --> 00:08:33,220 OH, RENE. 178 00:08:35,023 --> 00:08:37,191 IF I WERE A FITTER MAN 179 00:08:37,193 --> 00:08:38,959 I WOULD FIGHT YOU FOR HER HONOR. 180 00:08:38,961 --> 00:08:40,861 I SHOULD NOT BOTHER. SHE NEVER DID. 181 00:08:42,398 --> 00:08:43,864 RIGHT. 182 00:08:43,866 --> 00:08:46,066 I WILL GO AND BOOK THE REGISTRY OFFICE FOR TOMORROW. 183 00:08:46,068 --> 00:08:48,002 A CIVIL WEDDING! 184 00:08:48,004 --> 00:08:50,672 AS CIVIL AS WE CAN IN THE CIRCUMSTANCES. 185 00:08:50,674 --> 00:08:53,341 - THE MAYOR CAN MARRY US. - THE MAYOR? 186 00:08:53,343 --> 00:08:55,843 THE OLD MAN WITH THE GRAY HAIR. 187 00:08:55,845 --> 00:08:59,480 BUT THE OLD GRAY MAYOR IS DEAD. 188 00:08:59,482 --> 00:09:01,749 THEN THE DEPUTY MAYOR CAN HAVE THE PLEASURE. 189 00:09:01,751 --> 00:09:05,052 I AM THE DEPUTY MAYOR. IT WILL BE NO PLEASURE. 190 00:09:05,054 --> 00:09:07,655 THEN YOU WILL NOT WANT TO BE LATE FOR THE EVENT. 191 00:09:07,657 --> 00:09:09,990 I SHOULD SET OFF DOWN THE STAIRS NOW. 192 00:09:15,798 --> 00:09:18,333 HELGA IS HERE. 193 00:09:18,335 --> 00:09:19,434 AH, GOOD. 194 00:09:19,436 --> 00:09:20,468 ENTER. 195 00:09:24,640 --> 00:09:26,641 I AM READY, HERR FLICK. 196 00:09:26,643 --> 00:09:30,645 THIS TO ME DOES NOT LOOK VERY TEASING AND TANTALIZING. 197 00:09:30,647 --> 00:09:33,013 YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO MAKE A SEX MAD FRENCHMAN 198 00:09:33,015 --> 00:09:35,115 FLIP HIS LID. 199 00:09:35,117 --> 00:09:37,652 I HOPE YOU ARE WEARING SOMETHING WONDERFUL UNDERNEATH. 200 00:09:37,654 --> 00:09:40,087 NO, HERR FLICK, I AM NOT. 201 00:09:40,089 --> 00:09:42,390 YOU ARE DELIBERATELY DISOBEYING MY ORDERS. 202 00:09:42,392 --> 00:09:43,758 NO. 203 00:09:43,760 --> 00:09:44,759 SHOW ME. 204 00:09:44,761 --> 00:09:47,194 - NO, I WILL NOT. - WHY NOT? 205 00:09:47,196 --> 00:09:51,298 BECAUSE I AM TEASING AND TANTALIZING YOU. 206 00:09:51,300 --> 00:09:52,700 I AM GOING. 207 00:09:52,702 --> 00:09:54,869 STOP! 208 00:09:54,871 --> 00:09:56,504 VON SMALLHOUSEN, 209 00:09:56,506 --> 00:09:58,205 WHAT IS HELGA WEARING UNDERNEATH? 210 00:09:58,207 --> 00:10:01,108 I PROMISED NOT TO SAY, 211 00:10:01,110 --> 00:10:03,043 BUT I TELL YOU WHAT AN EFFECT IT HAS HAD ON ME. 212 00:10:06,014 --> 00:10:07,948 THIS IS VERY CURIOUS. SHOW ME. 213 00:10:08,950 --> 00:10:11,719 AAAAAGHGHGHGHGH! 214 00:10:14,189 --> 00:10:15,857 GET OUT. 215 00:10:16,892 --> 00:10:19,527 NOT YOU, HELGA. 216 00:10:19,529 --> 00:10:22,497 I THOUGHT YOU WANTED ME TO GO AND SEE RENE? 217 00:10:22,499 --> 00:10:23,898 OH, NO RUSH. 218 00:10:23,900 --> 00:10:25,767 TOMORROW WILL DO. 219 00:10:26,769 --> 00:10:28,669 TODAY I WILL REHEARSE YOU. 220 00:10:28,671 --> 00:10:30,137 SHOW ME YOUR TECHNIQUE. 221 00:10:30,139 --> 00:10:32,072 YES, HERR FLICK. 222 00:10:32,074 --> 00:10:35,443 ( burlesque music plays ) 223 00:10:41,683 --> 00:10:43,418 MY GOD! 224 00:10:43,420 --> 00:10:45,152 THREE SWASTIKAS. 225 00:10:45,154 --> 00:10:47,221 AAAAGHGHGHGHGH! 226 00:10:50,125 --> 00:10:51,659 HERE WE ARE, COLONEL. 227 00:10:51,661 --> 00:10:53,193 THE VAN CLOMP, THE VAN GOGH, 228 00:10:53,195 --> 00:10:55,930 AND SEVERAL PACKETS OF SPAGHETTI TO CONCEAL THEM IN. 229 00:10:55,932 --> 00:10:57,264 HOW CAN WE TELL WHICH IS WHICH? 230 00:10:57,266 --> 00:11:00,968 THE PAINTINGS TAKE LONGER THAN 12 MINUTES ON A LOW GAS. 231 00:11:03,171 --> 00:11:06,173 I LOVE A MAN WITH A SENSE OF HUMOR. 232 00:11:06,175 --> 00:11:08,676 IT WAS NOT THAT FUNNY. 233 00:11:08,678 --> 00:11:10,344 THEY ARE WELL MARKED, COLONEL. 234 00:11:10,346 --> 00:11:12,313 - RENE. - YES? 235 00:11:12,315 --> 00:11:13,781 YOU MUST COME OUTSIDE WITH ME. 236 00:11:13,783 --> 00:11:16,317 I HAVE SOMETHING VERY EXCITING TO SHOW YOU. 237 00:11:17,553 --> 00:11:20,054 OH, YES. 238 00:11:20,056 --> 00:11:23,023 IT IS MY BRAND NEW BIG TANK. 239 00:11:23,025 --> 00:11:25,993 WHAT A RELIEF. 240 00:11:25,995 --> 00:11:29,464 HEY! WHERE'S ALL THE BEAUTIFUL LADIES? 241 00:11:30,466 --> 00:11:32,266 ALBERTO BERTORELLI IS READY 242 00:11:32,268 --> 00:11:34,234 FOR THE FUN AND THE GAMES UP THE STAIRS. 243 00:11:34,236 --> 00:11:37,037 I AM SORRY, CAPTAIN, WE ARE A LITTLE SHORT OF STAFF. 244 00:11:37,039 --> 00:11:39,907 I LIKE THAT LITTLE SHORT OF STAFF. 245 00:11:41,176 --> 00:11:42,643 - RENE. - ( Rene sighs ) 246 00:11:42,645 --> 00:11:46,413 HERE I AM. HOW DO YOU LIKE ME? 247 00:11:46,415 --> 00:11:48,148 IN SMALL DOSES. 248 00:11:48,150 --> 00:11:50,952 WHAT A BEAUTIFUL LADY. 249 00:11:50,954 --> 00:11:52,587 I FORGOT. 250 00:11:52,589 --> 00:11:54,856 IT IS BAD LUCK FOR YOU TO SEE ME BEFORE THE WEDDING. 251 00:11:54,858 --> 00:11:56,991 IT IS NOT EXACTLY GOOD LUCK FOR ME 252 00:11:56,993 --> 00:11:59,159 TO SEE YOU AFTERWARDS. 253 00:11:59,161 --> 00:12:01,128 WHAT WEDDING IS THIS? 254 00:12:01,130 --> 00:12:02,930 YOU MEAN HE HAS NOT TOLD YOU? 255 00:12:02,932 --> 00:12:04,532 TOLD US WHAT? 256 00:12:04,534 --> 00:12:06,166 THE WONDERFUL NEWS THAT IS MAKING HIM 257 00:12:06,168 --> 00:12:08,503 THE HAPPIEST MAN IN ALL FRANCE. 258 00:12:08,505 --> 00:12:10,505 OH YES, THAT. 259 00:12:10,507 --> 00:12:12,473 WE ARE GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW. 260 00:12:12,475 --> 00:12:14,709 RENE, 261 00:12:14,711 --> 00:12:17,344 CONGRATULATIONS. 262 00:12:17,346 --> 00:12:19,947 THAT IS INDEED WONDERFUL NEWS. 263 00:12:19,949 --> 00:12:21,949 ISN'T IT, GRUBER? 264 00:12:25,854 --> 00:12:27,855 GRUBER? 265 00:12:29,491 --> 00:12:32,459 I SUPPOSE FELICITATIONS ARE IN ORDER. 266 00:12:32,461 --> 00:12:34,194 I SUPPOSE SO. 267 00:12:34,196 --> 00:12:36,931 I HOPE SHE WILL MAKE YOU VERY HAPPY. 268 00:12:38,033 --> 00:12:40,134 AS HAPPY AS ANY WOMAN EVER CAN. 269 00:12:45,273 --> 00:12:46,841 I MUST JUST GO AND... 270 00:12:46,843 --> 00:12:48,609 TICKLE MY CARBURETOR. 271 00:12:50,045 --> 00:12:51,779 BEAUTIFUL LADY, 272 00:12:51,781 --> 00:12:53,781 I KISS YOUR HAND. 273 00:12:54,783 --> 00:12:56,717 I KISS YOUR ARM. 274 00:12:57,719 --> 00:12:59,420 I KISS YOUR KISSER. 275 00:12:59,422 --> 00:13:00,821 OH! 276 00:13:00,823 --> 00:13:02,890 NO, CAPTAIN, THAT IS SPOKEN FOR. 277 00:13:02,892 --> 00:13:05,826 I, ALBERTO BERTORELLI, WILL MAKE THE WEDDING BREAKFAST. 278 00:13:05,828 --> 00:13:07,728 YOU LIKE ITALIAN COOKING? 279 00:13:07,730 --> 00:13:09,396 OH, VERY MUCH. 280 00:13:09,398 --> 00:13:10,798 NOW, YOU TELL ME, 281 00:13:10,800 --> 00:13:12,800 HAVE YOU GOT THE BIG-A TOMATOES? 282 00:13:13,802 --> 00:13:15,570 I BEG-A YOUR PARDON? 283 00:13:17,573 --> 00:13:20,608 I WANT-A YOUR BIG-A TOMATOES 284 00:13:20,610 --> 00:13:22,242 FOR THE SAUCE. 285 00:13:22,244 --> 00:13:24,111 OH, I SEE. 286 00:13:24,113 --> 00:13:27,514 I MAKE THE BIG BOWL OF SPAGHETTI NAPOLETANA. 287 00:13:27,516 --> 00:13:29,016 COLONEL, THE PAINTINGS! 288 00:13:29,018 --> 00:13:30,117 WHAT? 289 00:13:30,119 --> 00:13:31,118 NO, WAIT! 290 00:13:31,120 --> 00:13:33,120 WHAT'S THE MATTER? 291 00:13:33,122 --> 00:13:34,622 THAT'S NOT SPAGHETTI. 292 00:13:35,624 --> 00:13:37,357 IT FEEL LIKE SPAGHETTI. 293 00:13:37,359 --> 00:13:38,793 IT'S DYNAMITE. 294 00:13:40,128 --> 00:13:42,697 ( winces ) 295 00:13:42,699 --> 00:13:45,265 MAMMA MIA! 296 00:13:45,267 --> 00:13:47,568 OH, COLONEL, 297 00:13:47,570 --> 00:13:49,837 YOU HAVE SAVED MY LIFE. 298 00:13:55,644 --> 00:13:58,646 WHAT-A MISTAKE-A TO MAKE-A. 299 00:14:06,220 --> 00:14:08,255 SEE YOU LATER, EDITH. DO NOT WAIT UP. 300 00:14:08,257 --> 00:14:11,025 - WHERE ARE YOU GOING? - OUT. 301 00:14:11,027 --> 00:14:13,360 OUT? TONIGHT? THE EVE OF OUR WEDDING? 302 00:14:13,362 --> 00:14:15,796 I AM SORRY, EDITH, BUT YOU MUST REMEMBER 303 00:14:15,798 --> 00:14:17,397 IT IS MY STAG NIGHT WITH THE BOYS. 304 00:14:17,399 --> 00:14:18,899 YOU HAVE HAD YOUR STAG NIGHT. 305 00:14:18,901 --> 00:14:20,968 - WHEN? - 25 YEARS AGO. 306 00:14:20,970 --> 00:14:22,936 OH, EDITH. 307 00:14:22,938 --> 00:14:26,239 BESIDES, I HAVE PREPARED FOR YOU A LITTLE SURPRISE. 308 00:14:26,241 --> 00:14:30,010 IT CAN HARDLY BE A SURPRISE AFTER 25 YEARS. 309 00:14:30,012 --> 00:14:32,046 I SHALL BE DOING IT YOUR FAVORITE WAY. 310 00:14:32,048 --> 00:14:34,614 DOING WHAT? 311 00:14:34,616 --> 00:14:36,150 FROG IN THE HOLE. 312 00:14:38,219 --> 00:14:39,519 AND HOW WOULD YOU LIKE 313 00:14:39,521 --> 00:14:40,854 ONE OF THOSE CHRISTMAS PUDDINGS? 314 00:14:40,856 --> 00:14:43,356 EDITH, HOW CAN I GET IT INTO YOUR THICK HEAD 315 00:14:43,358 --> 00:14:45,458 THOSE CHRISTMAS PUDDINGS ARE NOT FOR NIBBLING? 316 00:14:45,460 --> 00:14:47,094 THEY ARE FOR BLOWING UP DOCKYARDS. 317 00:14:47,096 --> 00:14:48,929 OH, SILLY ME. 318 00:14:48,931 --> 00:14:50,497 IT IS THE THOUGHT OF THE WEDDING. 319 00:14:50,499 --> 00:14:52,499 I AM ALL OVER THE PLACE. 320 00:14:52,501 --> 00:14:55,268 YOU COOK ONE OF THOSE PUDDINGS AND YOU WILL BE. 321 00:14:56,337 --> 00:14:58,205 PSST, RENE. DO NOT BE LONG. 322 00:15:03,912 --> 00:15:06,313 BE RIGHT WITH YOU, PIERRE. 323 00:15:06,315 --> 00:15:08,182 WHO IS PIERRE? 324 00:15:08,184 --> 00:15:09,717 JUST ONE OF THE BOYS. 325 00:15:09,719 --> 00:15:11,518 HE'S GOING ON OUR STAG NIGHT. 326 00:15:11,520 --> 00:15:13,653 ARE YOU COMING, RENE? 327 00:15:17,158 --> 00:15:19,960 RENE, WE ARE WASTING TIME. 328 00:15:19,962 --> 00:15:22,462 ALL RIGHT, JACQUES. BE WITH YOU IN A MINUTE. 329 00:15:22,464 --> 00:15:25,032 WHAT IT IS TO BE SO POPULAR. 330 00:15:29,804 --> 00:15:31,271 MY GOD! 331 00:15:36,010 --> 00:15:37,745 SHH. 332 00:15:39,948 --> 00:15:41,915 IT IS I, LECLERC. 333 00:15:45,553 --> 00:15:47,554 I NEVER WOULD HAVE GUESSED. 334 00:15:47,556 --> 00:15:49,356 THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE A STAG NIGHT, 335 00:15:49,358 --> 00:15:50,824 NOT A SHRIMPING EXPEDITION. 336 00:15:50,826 --> 00:15:54,628 THIS IS OPERATION WATERLOO. 337 00:15:54,630 --> 00:15:58,065 WE ARE DISGUISED AS EEL FISHERMAN. 338 00:15:58,067 --> 00:16:02,035 WE? YOU MEAN, THERE IS MORE THAN ONE OF YOU IN THAT SUIT? 339 00:16:02,037 --> 00:16:03,470 PSST! 340 00:16:04,605 --> 00:16:05,639 FOLLOW ME. 341 00:16:08,376 --> 00:16:10,610 WHAT HO. CHIN CHIN. 342 00:16:10,612 --> 00:16:12,112 PIP PIP. TOODLE-OO. 343 00:16:15,049 --> 00:16:17,985 I WILL NEVER UNDERSTAND THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE. 344 00:16:17,987 --> 00:16:20,888 All: HURRY UP. COME ON. YOUR STAG NIGHT. 345 00:16:21,923 --> 00:16:23,723 DO NOT FORGET, RENE, 346 00:16:23,725 --> 00:16:25,259 I WILL BE WAITING UP FOR YOU. 347 00:16:26,261 --> 00:16:27,961 GOD, GIVE ME STRENGTH. 348 00:16:31,132 --> 00:16:33,566 ( singing softly ) 349 00:16:34,869 --> 00:16:37,671 ♪ THE PRETTY SKY-- ♪ 350 00:16:37,673 --> 00:16:39,106 OH. 351 00:16:39,108 --> 00:16:41,208 RENE, RENE! 352 00:16:51,986 --> 00:16:55,122 OH, RENE. WE HAVE A WONDERFUL DAY FOR IT. 353 00:16:55,124 --> 00:16:56,957 THE SUN IS SHINING. 354 00:16:56,959 --> 00:16:58,292 OH, EDITH, FOR GOD'S SAKE. 355 00:16:58,294 --> 00:16:59,559 CURB YOUR HIGH SPIRITS. 356 00:17:02,563 --> 00:17:04,231 LAST NIGHT, 357 00:17:04,233 --> 00:17:06,433 JUST FOR ONE BRIEF MOMENT, 358 00:17:06,435 --> 00:17:08,601 I THOUGHT WE WERE GOING TO HAVE A LITTLE REHEARSAL 359 00:17:08,603 --> 00:17:09,736 OF OUR WEDDED BLISS. 360 00:17:09,738 --> 00:17:12,505 I WAS TOO KNACKERED FROM THE STAG NIGHT. 361 00:17:13,875 --> 00:17:16,343 I MUST GO UP TO THE ROOM OF MY MOTHER. 362 00:17:16,345 --> 00:17:18,946 THIS IS A BIG DAY FOR HER. 363 00:17:18,948 --> 00:17:20,981 I MUST SPEND SOME TIME HELPING HER TO LOOK 364 00:17:20,983 --> 00:17:22,282 YOUNG AND BEAUTIFUL. 365 00:17:22,284 --> 00:17:25,219 SHALL WE PUT EVERYTHING OFF FOR A MONTH OR TWO? 366 00:17:25,221 --> 00:17:27,020 RENE! 367 00:17:28,022 --> 00:17:30,290 OOH, OOH. 368 00:17:32,260 --> 00:17:34,561 - HELGA, HURRY. - YES, HERR FLICK. 369 00:17:34,563 --> 00:17:35,863 THERE HE IS. 370 00:17:35,865 --> 00:17:38,165 MAKE HIM TELL YOU WHERE THE GOLD IS HIDDEN. 371 00:17:38,167 --> 00:17:40,533 DRIVE HIM MAD WITH LUST. 372 00:17:40,535 --> 00:17:42,135 YES, HERR FLICK. 373 00:17:50,845 --> 00:17:52,112 HUH? OH! 374 00:17:52,114 --> 00:17:53,380 RENE, 375 00:17:53,382 --> 00:17:56,049 I WONDER IF YOU COULD DO ME A FAVOR? 376 00:17:56,051 --> 00:17:58,285 THERE IS SOMETHING I WANT. 377 00:18:05,159 --> 00:18:07,160 I HAVE ALREADY GIVEN. 378 00:18:17,471 --> 00:18:18,872 GOOD MOANING. 379 00:18:18,874 --> 00:18:21,808 OH, GOD! IT GETS WORSE. 380 00:18:23,511 --> 00:18:25,612 BOD NOSE, I AM AFROOD. 381 00:18:31,319 --> 00:18:33,220 BOD? 382 00:18:33,222 --> 00:18:35,722 VERY BOD. 383 00:18:35,724 --> 00:18:38,691 LAST NIT, IPERATION WATERLOO 384 00:18:38,693 --> 00:18:40,627 WAS A COMPLOTE AND UTTER KICK UP. 385 00:18:43,264 --> 00:18:44,331 OH. 386 00:18:44,333 --> 00:18:47,534 THE TEED WENT OUT AND THE SUBMAROON 387 00:18:47,536 --> 00:18:49,836 IS BITCHED ON A SANDBONK. 388 00:18:52,006 --> 00:18:54,207 A MONUMENTAL KICK UP. 389 00:18:54,209 --> 00:18:56,310 WE DID OUR BUST. 390 00:18:57,946 --> 00:19:02,615 SOON WE CAN EXPICT ANOTHER PARASHAT DRIP. 391 00:19:02,617 --> 00:19:05,385 LONDON IS SENDING YOU A COLLOPSABLE DONGHY. 392 00:19:10,258 --> 00:19:12,259 I ALREADY HAVE ONE OF THOSE. 393 00:19:21,469 --> 00:19:24,504 AND SO GOOD CITIZENS OF NOUVION, 394 00:19:24,506 --> 00:19:27,507 THE TWO PARTIES STANDING BEFORE ME NOW 395 00:19:27,509 --> 00:19:29,810 HAVE REQUESTED IN ACCORDANCE 396 00:19:29,812 --> 00:19:32,012 WITH ARTICLE 39 OF THE LEGAL CODE... 397 00:19:32,014 --> 00:19:33,413 FARTY. 398 00:19:33,415 --> 00:19:35,482 I BEG YOUR PARDON? 399 00:19:37,786 --> 00:19:40,254 ARTICLE FARTY. 400 00:19:41,856 --> 00:19:44,158 IT IS BAD ENOUGH HAVING TO MARRY THE WOMAN I LOVE 401 00:19:44,160 --> 00:19:45,225 TO THE MAN I DETEST, 402 00:19:45,227 --> 00:19:47,394 WITHOUT BEING TAUGHT MY OWN BUSINESS 403 00:19:47,396 --> 00:19:49,763 BY A MAN WHO MANGLES THE LANGUAGE OF FRANCE. 404 00:19:49,765 --> 00:19:51,398 I DO NOT MINGLE IT. 405 00:19:51,400 --> 00:19:52,833 SILENCE! 406 00:19:52,835 --> 00:19:53,934 MONSIEUR ALPHONSE, 407 00:19:53,936 --> 00:19:55,568 BE CAREFUL OF YOUR DICKY TICKER. 408 00:19:55,570 --> 00:19:59,472 WOULD THAT I COULD LAY MY DICKY TICKER AT YOUR FEET. 409 00:20:01,342 --> 00:20:04,011 YOU OLD FOOL, GET ON WITH IT. 410 00:20:04,013 --> 00:20:06,780 PLEASE, LET THERE BE DECORUM. 411 00:20:06,782 --> 00:20:09,416 DO YOU-- 412 00:20:09,418 --> 00:20:11,218 DO YOU RENE FRANCOIS-- 413 00:20:11,220 --> 00:20:12,619 YES, YES, YES. 414 00:20:12,621 --> 00:20:14,621 DO YOU, EDITH MELBA-- 415 00:20:14,623 --> 00:20:15,722 YES, YES! 416 00:20:15,724 --> 00:20:17,224 THEN I NOW PRONOUNCE YOU-- 417 00:20:17,226 --> 00:20:19,126 AGH! 418 00:20:20,128 --> 00:20:21,761 YOU ARE NOT PRONOUNCING IT VERY WELL. 419 00:20:21,763 --> 00:20:23,263 AGAIN, PLEASE! 420 00:20:24,799 --> 00:20:27,567 I NOW PRONOUNCE YOU MAN AND-- 421 00:20:27,569 --> 00:20:29,903 AGH! DICKY TICKER. 422 00:20:29,905 --> 00:20:31,972 Colonel: THE MAN IS ILL, TAKE HIM TO HOSPITAL. 423 00:20:31,974 --> 00:20:34,441 Yvette: LIE HIM DOWN. GIVE HIM AIR. 424 00:20:34,443 --> 00:20:36,743 IS THERE A DICTOR IN THE HOOSE? 425 00:20:36,745 --> 00:20:39,412 SPEAK TO ME! SAY SOMETHING. 426 00:20:39,414 --> 00:20:41,748 SAY "MAN AND WIFE" FOR A START. 427 00:20:41,750 --> 00:20:43,283 MONSIEUR LECLERC, GO GET HIM SOME WATER. 428 00:20:43,285 --> 00:20:44,517 WATER, RIGHT. 429 00:20:44,519 --> 00:20:46,253 NO, MAKE IT BRANDY. 430 00:20:46,255 --> 00:20:49,156 WHICH DO YOU WANT? WATER OR BRANDY? 431 00:20:49,158 --> 00:20:50,590 BRANDY. 432 00:20:50,592 --> 00:20:52,492 I DO NOT BELIEVE HE IS ILL AT ALL. 433 00:20:52,494 --> 00:20:54,061 OF COURSE HE IS ILL 434 00:20:54,063 --> 00:20:55,562 CARRY HIM BACK TO THE CAFE. 435 00:20:55,564 --> 00:20:57,697 PUT HIM IN MY BED. 436 00:20:57,699 --> 00:20:59,733 EDITH, IT IS OUR BED! 437 00:20:59,735 --> 00:21:02,269 LET US PRETEND IT IS HER BED. 438 00:21:05,340 --> 00:21:07,407 ♪ IT'S NOW OR NEVER ♪ 439 00:21:07,409 --> 00:21:10,210 ♪ COME HOLD ME TIGHT ♪ 440 00:21:10,212 --> 00:21:14,047 ♪ KISS ME MY DARLING ♪ 441 00:21:14,049 --> 00:21:16,917 ♪ BE MINE TONIGHT ♪ 442 00:21:16,919 --> 00:21:19,186 ♪ TOMORROW WILL BE TO LATE-- ♪ 443 00:21:20,188 --> 00:21:21,788 HERE, PUT HIM IN HERE! 444 00:21:21,790 --> 00:21:24,424 WHAT'S GOING ON, EH? 445 00:21:24,426 --> 00:21:25,859 YOU ARE TOO EARLY. 446 00:21:25,861 --> 00:21:27,060 I AM NOT READY. 447 00:21:27,062 --> 00:21:28,661 YOU ARE TOO FAST-A FOR THE PASTA. 448 00:21:29,830 --> 00:21:31,131 I WANT THE BEDROOM. 449 00:21:31,133 --> 00:21:33,533 I WANT THE BED OF MY EDITH. 450 00:21:33,535 --> 00:21:36,236 YOU WILL GET THE BACK OF MY HAND IN A MINUTE. 451 00:21:36,238 --> 00:21:39,139 RENE, I CONGRATULATE YOU ON YOUR REPRIEVE. 452 00:21:39,141 --> 00:21:40,874 I THINK WE SHOULD CALL FOR CHAMPAGNE. 453 00:21:40,876 --> 00:21:42,575 WE SHOULD CALL THE DOCTOR. 454 00:21:42,577 --> 00:21:43,911 I DON'T LIKE THE LOOK OF HIM. 455 00:21:43,913 --> 00:21:45,946 I HAVE NEVER LIKED THE LOOK OF HIM. 456 00:21:45,948 --> 00:21:48,515 BUT THERE IS NOT A LOT THE DOCTOR CAN DO ABOUT THAT. 457 00:21:48,517 --> 00:21:50,784 HIS HEART IS IN A SHOCKING STATE. 458 00:21:50,786 --> 00:21:52,953 I NOTICE THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH HIS THROAT. 459 00:21:52,955 --> 00:21:54,821 LECLERC, GO BACK TO THE REGISTRY OFFICE, 460 00:21:54,823 --> 00:21:56,623 GET THE DEPUTY MAYOR'S LITTLE BLACK BOOK. 461 00:21:56,625 --> 00:21:58,225 WE WILL FINISH THE WEDDING HERE. 462 00:21:58,227 --> 00:22:00,093 OH, HOW WONDERFUL. 463 00:22:00,095 --> 00:22:01,995 TO BE MARRIED IN MY OWN HOME. 464 00:22:01,997 --> 00:22:03,297 NO, NO, NO. 465 00:22:03,299 --> 00:22:06,800 A CAFE IS NOT A PROPER PLACE FOR SUCH A CEREMONY. 466 00:22:06,802 --> 00:22:08,969 YOU HAVE ONLY TO SAY THREE WORDS: MAN AND WIFE. 467 00:22:08,971 --> 00:22:10,337 THAT IS HARDLY A CEREMONY. 468 00:22:11,806 --> 00:22:13,240 WELL, IF YOU INSIST. 469 00:22:13,242 --> 00:22:16,410 I SUPPOSE I COULD DO IT IN MY OFFICIAL CAPACITY. 470 00:22:16,412 --> 00:22:19,413 WHICH APPEARS TO BE ABOUT HALF A BOTTLE OF BRANDY. 471 00:22:21,882 --> 00:22:23,750 TAKE YOUR PLACES AGAIN. 472 00:22:23,752 --> 00:22:25,185 HEY, EVERYBODY, 473 00:22:25,187 --> 00:22:26,586 IT'S TIME TO EAT. 474 00:22:26,588 --> 00:22:31,024 WE BEGIN WITH ALBERTO BERTORELLI'S BIG SURPRISE. 475 00:22:32,893 --> 00:22:34,928 TORTA... 476 00:22:34,930 --> 00:22:36,196 DI PRIMA... 477 00:22:36,198 --> 00:22:37,497 COLLASIONE... 478 00:22:37,499 --> 00:22:40,200 MATRIMONIALE! 479 00:22:40,202 --> 00:22:43,437 WHAT IS HE SAYING? THEY ARE CHRISTMAS PUDDINGS. 480 00:22:43,439 --> 00:22:45,305 YOU CATCH ME OUT. 481 00:22:45,307 --> 00:22:47,874 I CANNOT TELL A LIE. 482 00:22:47,876 --> 00:22:50,010 I FOUND THEM IN THE CELLAR. 483 00:22:50,012 --> 00:22:51,644 HOW CLEVER OF YOU. 484 00:22:51,646 --> 00:22:53,813 YOU STUPID WOMAN! 485 00:22:53,815 --> 00:22:56,149 GET DOWN EVERYBODY! DOWN! 486 00:22:56,151 --> 00:22:58,385 OH NO. NOT MY BEAUTIFUL NEW TANK. 487 00:22:59,753 --> 00:23:00,787 WHAT'S THE MATTER? 488 00:23:00,789 --> 00:23:02,489 I TRY TO MAKE THE BIG IMPRESSION! 489 00:23:02,491 --> 00:23:04,224 GET DOWN! 490 00:23:05,226 --> 00:23:07,227 ( all scream ) 491 00:23:13,934 --> 00:23:16,936 ( theme music playing ) 45814

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