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# They say I might as well face the truth
2
00:00:05,895 --> 00:00:09,205
# That I am just too long in the tooth
3
00:00:09,375 --> 00:00:12,731
# So I'm an OAP and weak-kneed
4
00:00:12,895 --> 00:00:16,171
# But I have not yet quite gone to seed
5
00:00:16,335 --> 00:00:20,248
# I may be over the hill now that I have retired
6
00:00:20,415 --> 00:00:23,566
# Fading away, but I'm not yet expired
7
00:00:23,735 --> 00:00:27,728
# Clapped out, run down, too old to save
8
00:00:27,895 --> 00:00:30,204
# One foot in the grave #
9
00:00:33,015 --> 00:00:35,483
(CREEPY MUSIC ON TELEVISION)
10
00:00:37,095 --> 00:00:39,689
who do you reckon did it, then?
11
00:00:39,855 --> 00:00:42,767
- His nephew Basil.
- why?
12
00:00:42,935 --> 00:00:48,453
when they found the old man's body in the
herb garden he was clutching a piece of basil.
13
00:00:48,615 --> 00:00:50,333
Ah.
14
00:00:52,855 --> 00:00:55,449
Lucky he wasn't killed by his Uncle Dick.
15
00:01:00,495 --> 00:01:02,804
Good grief!
16
00:01:04,255 --> 00:01:06,564
It's always the same, isn't it,
17
00:01:06,735 --> 00:01:10,444
as soon as you start mixing
the whisky and Smarties?
18
00:01:10,615 --> 00:01:15,814
It's a lethal combination with you. Reduces your
conversation to the level of a lavatory brush.
19
00:01:15,975 --> 00:01:19,524
Quiet now, please.
Poirot's about to unmask the murderer.
20
00:01:19,695 --> 00:01:24,894
He's got all the suspects lined up
in the lounge bar, look, where all will be revealed.
21
00:01:25,055 --> 00:01:28,570
No, hang on. No, he's not going to tell us yet.
22
00:01:28,735 --> 00:01:31,124
He's decided to have a drink first.
23
00:01:32,535 --> 00:01:35,129
why is he drinking a pint of lager?
24
00:01:35,295 --> 00:01:37,286
I don't know.
25
00:01:38,095 --> 00:01:42,805
It's not often you see Poirot
swig back a tankard of beer like that.
26
00:01:42,975 --> 00:01:44,328
No.
27
00:01:46,535 --> 00:01:51,529
You know why? It's bloody Jocky wilson.
we're watching the darts now.
28
00:01:51,695 --> 00:01:54,289
How did that happen?
29
00:01:54,455 --> 00:01:59,324
I was wondering why they were all
wearing their shirts outside their trousers.
30
00:02:00,415 --> 00:02:02,007
Typical.
31
00:02:02,175 --> 00:02:07,169
That's with the news overrunning last night.
It switched itself off before the end.
32
00:02:08,095 --> 00:02:12,407
I just wish they'd come and do something
about this video head.
33
00:02:12,575 --> 00:02:18,047
Can hardly see a thing on the screen for snow.
Everything we record looks like ''Dr Zhivago''.
34
00:02:18,215 --> 00:02:21,366
I... I've got a spot coming up on my nose now.
35
00:02:21,535 --> 00:02:24,208
I'm not surprised, with all the Smarties.
36
00:02:24,375 --> 00:02:29,369
I don't know why you don't just glue them
to your face and be done with it.
37
00:02:31,495 --> 00:02:35,886
Do we have to have this thing sitting here,
wearing out the chair covers?
38
00:02:36,055 --> 00:02:41,652
Gives me the creeps. I keep expecting it to
get up and walk across the floor, like in that film.
39
00:02:41,815 --> 00:02:44,807
For goodness' sake,
put it somewhere out of the way.
40
00:02:44,975 --> 00:02:47,967
You leave him alone.
He's not doing anyone any harm.
41
00:02:48,135 --> 00:02:52,128
You wouldn't like to be cooped up all night
in a waitrose bag.
42
00:02:52,295 --> 00:02:56,971
I don't know why you bought it. I thought
we finished with all this when we got married.
43
00:02:57,135 --> 00:02:59,330
You weren't very good at it then.
44
00:02:59,495 --> 00:03:02,487
At least it whiles away the daylight hours.
45
00:03:02,655 --> 00:03:05,692
I thought about auditioning
for ''Opportunity Knocks''.
46
00:03:05,855 --> 00:03:10,849
If you go on that, I really will
leave the country. And anyway, it's finished.
47
00:03:11,015 --> 00:03:13,483
Oh, my God!
48
00:03:13,655 --> 00:03:17,250
Look! His back's burst open again.
49
00:03:17,415 --> 00:03:19,883
There's sawdust everywhere.
50
00:03:20,895 --> 00:03:23,284
Get him out of the front room.
51
00:03:23,455 --> 00:03:26,652
Put him in the downstairs loo or somewhere.
52
00:03:26,815 --> 00:03:29,773
I'll cover his head with the toilet roll cosy.
53
00:03:46,575 --> 00:03:48,372
Crap. Crap.
54
00:03:49,415 --> 00:03:50,928
Crap.
55
00:03:51,095 --> 00:03:53,450
Gas bill. Crap.
56
00:03:54,895 --> 00:03:57,284
Margaret, I'm up!
57
00:03:57,455 --> 00:03:59,844
where are the aspirins?
58
00:04:01,695 --> 00:04:03,492
Margaret?
59
00:04:11,215 --> 00:04:13,206
Oh, are you up?
60
00:04:13,375 --> 00:04:17,163
The aspirins are on the table
next to the Alka-Seltzer.
61
00:04:19,015 --> 00:04:22,803
- where have you been?
- Down the community centre.
62
00:04:24,535 --> 00:04:29,928
They found an unexploded bomb in Mr Lacey's
back garden yesterday, from world war II.
63
00:04:30,095 --> 00:04:34,134
The whole street had to be evacuated
to be on the safe side.
64
00:04:34,295 --> 00:04:36,286
Did you bring the milk in?
65
00:04:38,775 --> 00:04:40,572
Unexploded...
66
00:04:40,735 --> 00:04:45,729
- when was this?
- About half past two, a policeman came round.
67
00:04:45,895 --> 00:04:48,284
I asked you if you were going to get up.
68
00:04:48,455 --> 00:04:53,449
All I got was, ''Tell them to send for
the A Team,'' and then you went back to sleep.
69
00:04:56,655 --> 00:04:58,850
wh... wh... what...
70
00:04:59,015 --> 00:05:01,609
what if... what if it had gone off?
71
00:05:01,775 --> 00:05:04,369
Couldn't be any worse than your snoring.
72
00:05:04,535 --> 00:05:06,890
It was a relief to get away from it.
73
00:05:07,055 --> 00:05:10,047
It's like sleeping
with a troop of howler monkeys.
74
00:05:10,215 --> 00:05:14,811
Anyway, they never do go off, do they?
It's just a precau...
75
00:05:14,975 --> 00:05:19,844
Is that... Is that a beetle?
Down there by the door. It's a bug of some sort.
76
00:05:20,015 --> 00:05:23,803
- (DOORBELL)
- Oh, that'll be the video man. He's early.
77
00:05:41,815 --> 00:05:47,287
Good morning, sir. Another lovely one. Makes
you wonder what's happening to the climate.
78
00:05:47,455 --> 00:05:50,765
what are you? A door-to-door meteorologist?
79
00:05:50,935 --> 00:05:55,531
- I've got a splitting headache, so...
- what with Christmas just around the corner,
80
00:05:55,695 --> 00:06:00,928
I've got something here I know you'll agree
will make the ideal gift for your grandchildren.
81
00:06:01,095 --> 00:06:05,885
How do you know I've got grandchildren?
I might be completely sterile.
82
00:06:06,055 --> 00:06:08,444
what they are is...
83
00:06:08,615 --> 00:06:10,810
bendy dinosaurs.
84
00:06:10,975 --> 00:06:14,570
The kids go ape over them.
My two never put them down.
85
00:06:14,735 --> 00:06:17,044
This is your brontosaurus.
86
00:06:17,215 --> 00:06:21,208
And this is your triceratops,
I think that one's called.
87
00:06:21,375 --> 00:06:25,368
£25 each.
Now, we do do a much bigger size at 50.
88
00:06:25,535 --> 00:06:31,246
Totally indestructible. You can bend that neck
every which way. It won't snap. You try that.
89
00:06:31,415 --> 00:06:36,694
I won't, if you don't mind. Once I start
snapping necks I find it very hard to stop.
90
00:06:38,215 --> 00:06:40,410
(MUTTERS) Bendy dinosaurs!
91
00:06:41,895 --> 00:06:46,889
Sell, sell. That's all you get these days.
Everywhere you look. Junk!
92
00:06:55,735 --> 00:07:02,334
what's this? Another invitation to buy
a hand-tooled guide to the Aztec civilisation?
93
00:07:03,415 --> 00:07:06,009
Right, I'd better get dressed.
94
00:07:06,175 --> 00:07:12,171
Now, you know I've got to take the car this week
because Meg drove the delivery van into a wall.
95
00:07:12,335 --> 00:07:14,929
And I may be a bit late coming home...
96
00:07:20,775 --> 00:07:23,164
- Did you just...?
- Hmm?
97
00:07:26,175 --> 00:07:27,893
Nothing.
98
00:07:39,935 --> 00:07:42,529
Morning, Mr Meldrew!
99
00:07:42,695 --> 00:07:46,131
- How are you today?
- Fine, thank you.
100
00:07:46,295 --> 00:07:50,971
- I put some jam on your doorstep. All right?
- Sorry?
101
00:07:53,135 --> 00:07:56,844
Grape and peach, courtesy of Mother.
102
00:07:57,815 --> 00:08:01,330
He says, ''Thank you very much indeed.''
103
00:08:03,095 --> 00:08:06,485
- How is she?
- Oh, she's not bad. Not bad.
104
00:08:06,655 --> 00:08:09,044
Still has her rather odd ideas.
105
00:08:09,215 --> 00:08:13,811
She's decided this morning
she wants to be buried in the back garden.
106
00:08:13,975 --> 00:08:16,364
That's a bit drastic, isn't it?
107
00:08:16,535 --> 00:08:21,928
Oh, no. I mean eventually. That's
a rather amusing misunderstanding, isn't it?
108
00:08:22,095 --> 00:08:25,292
No, I'm just out here resetting the dahlias.
109
00:08:25,455 --> 00:08:31,451
Actually, I'm glad I've seen you. we're putting on
a benefit concert at the Kingsway Hall.
110
00:08:31,615 --> 00:08:33,810
Raise funds for the elderly.
111
00:08:33,975 --> 00:08:39,493
Mrs Meldrew was telling me that you've started
getting back into the old ventriloquism act.
112
00:08:39,655 --> 00:08:44,524
Yes, I used to do it years ago, but it wouldn't
be up to performing standard. Not now.
113
00:08:46,335 --> 00:08:48,644
well, I suppose...
114
00:08:48,815 --> 00:08:52,364
Of course...
How long would you want me to do?
115
00:09:25,895 --> 00:09:28,363
I know. Left your torch.
116
00:09:29,535 --> 00:09:32,527
Left it on the window sill in the kitchen.
117
00:09:36,175 --> 00:09:39,770
There you are, then.
I'll expect you ten o'clock, Friday.
118
00:09:39,935 --> 00:09:44,451
Get these sorted out
and I won't be afraid any more, will I?
119
00:09:44,615 --> 00:09:49,211
Er...good evening.
The floral basket. I've got a delivery.
120
00:09:49,375 --> 00:09:52,606
Oh, pardon.
I thought you were the security man.
121
00:09:52,775 --> 00:09:55,972
No, no. Erm...
122
00:09:56,135 --> 00:09:59,445
Is this 62 or 62A?
123
00:09:59,615 --> 00:10:01,606
62, yes.
124
00:10:01,775 --> 00:10:03,970
Oh, carnations.
125
00:10:04,135 --> 00:10:06,126
Chrysanths.
126
00:10:06,295 --> 00:10:09,765
And freesias. Oh, she knows I love freesias.
127
00:10:09,935 --> 00:10:12,733
I knew she wouldn't forget, not on my 70th.
128
00:10:12,895 --> 00:10:15,284
It's my...my niece, Ruthy.
129
00:10:15,455 --> 00:10:19,653
She hasn't got a lot of time
to write or pop round these days, but...
130
00:10:19,815 --> 00:10:23,603
Oh, and there's some roses in there as well,
bless her.
131
00:10:24,815 --> 00:10:27,807
- I think I've come to the wrong...
- Pardon?
132
00:10:28,775 --> 00:10:30,766
wait... wait...
133
00:10:30,935 --> 00:10:34,814
- Let me put them in some water for you.
- Oh, that is sweet of you.
134
00:10:36,815 --> 00:10:39,204
where are...? Oh, right.
135
00:10:44,055 --> 00:10:47,092
Oh, mind the stool. Just a sec.
136
00:10:47,255 --> 00:10:49,644
I'll put the light on.
137
00:10:49,815 --> 00:10:52,204
There. That's better.
138
00:10:52,375 --> 00:10:56,573
- (CLATTER)
- Er... It doesn't seem to have er...
139
00:10:56,735 --> 00:11:01,331
- It doesn't seem to be working.
- Oh. It's that fuse. It's gone again.
140
00:11:01,495 --> 00:11:04,009
I've got some wire in here somewhere.
141
00:11:05,735 --> 00:11:08,203
It's chilly in here as well, isn't it?
142
00:11:08,375 --> 00:11:10,969
There's a fan heater in the fireplace.
143
00:11:12,255 --> 00:11:14,246
Oh, I... Oh.
144
00:11:14,415 --> 00:11:16,326
Yes, I see.
145
00:11:18,095 --> 00:11:23,374
- (wHIRRING)
- There. That's better. Is your kitchen in here?
146
00:11:23,535 --> 00:11:27,130
(WOmAN) I didn't hear you come in ,I was just drying my hair ,
147
00:11:27,295 --> 00:11:29,684
my God, what on earth's happened?
148
00:11:29,855 --> 00:11:33,052
(THEmE FROm ''THE ARCHERS'')
149
00:11:36,255 --> 00:11:38,246
(RADIO OFF)
150
00:11:38,415 --> 00:11:41,009
Let's see. That's it.
151
00:11:41,175 --> 00:11:45,373
Five-amp.
Are you all right out there in the dark?
152
00:11:45,535 --> 00:11:47,924
(CLATTER)
153
00:11:49,175 --> 00:11:51,370
Fine, thank you.
154
00:11:59,455 --> 00:12:00,934
- Hello.
- Hi.
155
00:12:01,095 --> 00:12:05,054
- How are you doing?
- Oh. Good gracious.
156
00:12:05,215 --> 00:12:08,685
This is a surprise. It's er...
157
00:12:08,855 --> 00:12:12,211
(BOTH) Patrick and Pippa.
158
00:12:12,375 --> 00:12:15,572
Right. Here we are, then.
159
00:12:15,735 --> 00:12:17,532
Um...
160
00:12:17,695 --> 00:12:20,084
I'll... I'll just...
161
00:12:20,255 --> 00:12:23,645
I'll just put them down on the erm...
162
00:12:24,695 --> 00:12:27,004
Oh! On the desk.
163
00:12:27,175 --> 00:12:29,973
- Is it on?
- Yes. well done.
164
00:12:30,135 --> 00:12:34,048
Look, I've knocked over all your dominoes.
I'm sorry.
165
00:12:34,215 --> 00:12:37,013
Don't worry. I'll pick them up later.
166
00:12:37,175 --> 00:12:40,247
There is...
There is something you can do for me.
167
00:12:40,415 --> 00:12:43,805
- Yes?
- Read a letter for me from my son Mike.
168
00:12:43,975 --> 00:12:48,366
Lives in Australia. It only arrived this morning.
where did I put it?
169
00:12:48,535 --> 00:12:53,734
Ah, there it is. I've got a grandson out there,
and two great-grandchildren.
170
00:12:53,895 --> 00:12:57,490
Yes, Danny and... Danny and little Tracey.
171
00:12:57,655 --> 00:13:01,045
I must start thinking
of what to get them for Christmas.
172
00:13:01,215 --> 00:13:06,687
- I always try to get a little something off.
- Right. Let's see what he's got to say, then.
173
00:13:08,175 --> 00:13:10,370
It's ages since he wrote.
174
00:13:10,535 --> 00:13:14,323
- I expect it's full of news.
- I expect it is.
175
00:13:17,655 --> 00:13:21,250
Oh, I know.
His writing, it's terrible, isn't it?
176
00:13:21,415 --> 00:13:24,134
But, well, do the best you can, eh?
177
00:13:26,975 --> 00:13:28,567
Yes.
178
00:13:35,775 --> 00:13:37,970
Dear Dad...
179
00:13:38,135 --> 00:13:41,923
Just a few lines to let you know
180
00:13:42,095 --> 00:13:47,294
that we all miss you
and that we're all thinking of you,
181
00:13:47,455 --> 00:13:50,049
even though we're so far apart.
182
00:13:53,135 --> 00:13:55,524
The weather...here...
183
00:13:57,455 --> 00:14:00,447
The weather here is wonderful,
184
00:14:00,615 --> 00:14:04,813
and we just wish that you were here
to share it with us.
185
00:14:09,015 --> 00:14:11,324
(TELEVISION OFF)
186
00:14:14,295 --> 00:14:17,093
So um... There we are.
187
00:14:18,695 --> 00:14:22,688
I'm sorry it missed off the ending,
but Margaret's pretty sure it was Basil.
188
00:14:22,855 --> 00:14:27,645
I would have said it was Basil.
I think that's what that leaf was in his hand.
189
00:14:27,815 --> 00:14:33,128
I think it was a clue left by the victim
to let them know who'd murdered him.
190
00:14:33,295 --> 00:14:38,449
A bit tentative, isn't it? what if he missed
and picked a bit of parsley instead?
191
00:14:38,615 --> 00:14:41,254
- Could've hanged an innocent man.
- who?
192
00:14:41,415 --> 00:14:47,524
He should've slithered up to the conservatory
and written the name down on a piece of paper.
193
00:14:47,695 --> 00:14:52,086
You don't think of things like that
when you've just been shot in the stomach.
194
00:14:56,735 --> 00:15:00,250
- (DOOR CLOSES)
- Oh, that'll be Margaret now.
195
00:15:00,415 --> 00:15:04,931
Sorry I'm late. I was talking to a poor old man.
All a bit tragic, really.
196
00:15:05,095 --> 00:15:09,293
- Oh, hello.
- Look who's turned up. Patrick and Pippa.
197
00:15:09,455 --> 00:15:11,446
- Margaret.
- How are you?
198
00:15:11,615 --> 00:15:13,924
Fine, fine. How are you both?
199
00:15:14,095 --> 00:15:16,484
Oh, not so bad. Exhausted, mainly.
200
00:15:16,655 --> 00:15:20,648
we were just telling Victor
it took 12 hours to get here from Bath.
201
00:15:20,815 --> 00:15:23,010
M4 was choked solid.
202
00:15:23,175 --> 00:15:25,564
How are you settling in now? All right?
203
00:15:25,735 --> 00:15:27,726
Oh, fine.
204
00:15:27,895 --> 00:15:29,692
Still...
205
00:15:29,855 --> 00:15:33,052
things are coming round by degrees.
206
00:15:33,215 --> 00:15:36,207
Erm... I... I won't be a sec.
207
00:15:40,775 --> 00:15:43,369
- well?
- well what?
208
00:15:43,535 --> 00:15:46,129
well, who the hell are they?
209
00:15:47,215 --> 00:15:49,524
I haven't the faintest idea.
210
00:15:51,415 --> 00:15:57,206
- You must have some idea. You let them in.
- I've never clapped eyes on them.
211
00:15:57,375 --> 00:16:01,971
They suddenly turned up on the doorstep
with three suitcases.
212
00:16:02,135 --> 00:16:06,925
I listened to them yapping on for two hours
about cones and contraflows,
213
00:16:07,095 --> 00:16:09,973
then I lost the will to live and put on a video.
214
00:16:10,775 --> 00:16:14,768
I thought you'd know who they were
when you got back.
215
00:16:14,935 --> 00:16:19,451
Patrick and Pippa. Doesn't mean a thing.
They must be relations.
216
00:16:19,615 --> 00:16:22,004
No. I sneaked out after half an hour,
217
00:16:22,175 --> 00:16:26,965
went through all the photograph albums,
the address books. Nothing.
218
00:16:27,135 --> 00:16:31,447
The closest I got was Patsy and Peter,
and they're both dead.
219
00:16:31,615 --> 00:16:34,493
In any case, they were your sister's goldfish.
220
00:16:36,695 --> 00:16:41,723
It's too ridiculous for words. I'm going to
come straight out with it and ask them.
221
00:16:41,895 --> 00:16:45,888
You'll do nothing of the sort.
Make us both look like a couple of halfwits.
222
00:16:46,055 --> 00:16:49,286
No, it'll come to us in a minute. It's bound to.
223
00:16:51,775 --> 00:16:54,767
Actually, Margaret, we're both a bit bushed.
224
00:16:54,935 --> 00:16:57,927
If it's all the same with you,
we'd like to get to bed.
225
00:16:58,095 --> 00:17:00,450
Oh, fine. That's all right.
226
00:17:01,815 --> 00:17:05,524
Yes, well, I'll take...
I'll take your suitcases upstairs.
227
00:17:05,695 --> 00:17:08,892
You sleep in our bed.
we'll make do with the sofa.
228
00:17:09,055 --> 00:17:11,046
- Your bed?
- Yes.
229
00:17:11,215 --> 00:17:15,527
It's a perfectly good bed.
we haven't got round to a spare yet.
230
00:17:15,695 --> 00:17:18,767
So, um... If you'll just follow me.
231
00:17:18,935 --> 00:17:22,928
I'll get you some fresh soap.
I'm sure you could do with a bath.
232
00:17:23,095 --> 00:17:28,294
Actually, thank you, I think we'll be off home.
Thanks very much for the tea and Poirot.
233
00:17:28,455 --> 00:17:33,006
Home? we wouldn't dream of turfing you out
at this hour. Give those back here.
234
00:17:33,175 --> 00:17:35,166
(THUD )
235
00:17:39,735 --> 00:17:44,126
Don't be ridiculous. we're hardly
going to send you home at this hour.
236
00:17:44,295 --> 00:17:47,287
It's time we left you in peace. It is past 11.
237
00:17:47,455 --> 00:17:50,845
- Victor...
- Hand those back and don't be so obstinate!
238
00:17:51,015 --> 00:17:54,212
Victor, if they want to go, they should go.
239
00:17:54,375 --> 00:17:56,969
Thank you...very much indeed.
240
00:17:57,135 --> 00:17:59,729
It's been lovely chatting to you both.
241
00:17:59,895 --> 00:18:02,693
- Goodnight. Bye, Margaret.
- Bye.
242
00:18:02,855 --> 00:18:04,971
And goodnight.
243
00:18:08,815 --> 00:18:10,806
Ohhh...
244
00:18:10,975 --> 00:18:12,966
God!
245
00:18:13,135 --> 00:18:15,126
what? what is it?
246
00:18:16,695 --> 00:18:19,653
we have seen them before.
247
00:18:19,815 --> 00:18:22,170
I've remembered now.
248
00:18:22,335 --> 00:18:26,567
- I've remembered where they come from.
- where?
249
00:18:28,455 --> 00:18:30,446
Next door.
250
00:18:33,135 --> 00:18:34,853
what?
251
00:18:35,015 --> 00:18:39,008
Remember, when we were moving in,
they were just leaving,
252
00:18:39,175 --> 00:18:42,167
going off on a month's holiday
to the west Country.
253
00:18:42,335 --> 00:18:46,806
we just shouted hellos to each other,
and that was about it.
254
00:18:48,935 --> 00:18:50,732
Next door?
255
00:18:50,895 --> 00:18:54,854
Do you mean, when their car drew up outside,
they were go...?
256
00:19:10,175 --> 00:19:13,167
Right. That's that sorted out, then.
257
00:19:13,335 --> 00:19:16,327
I think they could see the funny side of it.
258
00:19:16,495 --> 00:19:21,694
They seem a very nice couple when you
get to know them. Now, I've got to get back.
259
00:19:21,855 --> 00:19:26,849
There's another one coming up, for God's sake.
I look like a Sumatran rhinoceros.
260
00:19:27,015 --> 00:19:31,611
At least you won't have to put a red nose on
for your act this afternoon.
261
00:19:31,775 --> 00:19:37,566
Oh, Pippa says she'll be glad to run you there
and back, so you don't have to ring for a taxi.
262
00:19:37,735 --> 00:19:39,327
Oh.
263
00:19:39,495 --> 00:19:44,694
I tell you who I will ring. Bloody video place.
That's three times they've promised to come.
264
00:19:44,855 --> 00:19:48,928
I expect I'll get that usual bimbo
on the showroom desk.
265
00:19:49,095 --> 00:19:52,690
well, good luck with your concert.
I'll see you later.
266
00:19:58,095 --> 00:20:02,088
Bursting out the back here
if you're not careful.
267
00:20:02,655 --> 00:20:03,974
Hello. This is Mr...
268
00:20:05,775 --> 00:20:09,734
Yes, it bloody well is me again,
and it's still likely to be.
269
00:20:09,895 --> 00:20:13,888
I'm telling you, one of these days,
you're going to push me too far.
270
00:20:14,055 --> 00:20:16,364
Right. Tomorrow.
271
00:20:16,535 --> 00:20:20,369
And that's final.
After that, I'm finished with you.
272
00:20:21,375 --> 00:20:26,688
we could try changing the head for a start,
as this one seems to have a mind of its own.
273
00:20:26,855 --> 00:20:29,494
I'm sick to bloody death of...
274
00:20:30,655 --> 00:20:33,613
Don't start crying.
275
00:20:34,735 --> 00:20:37,329
No, I'm sorry if I shouted.
276
00:20:37,495 --> 00:20:40,089
Right? I... I'm sorry.
277
00:20:40,255 --> 00:20:42,132
Right?
278
00:20:45,135 --> 00:20:46,727
Oh.
279
00:20:46,895 --> 00:20:51,127
I've just got a couple of things to pack,
and then I'll be right with you.
280
00:20:54,175 --> 00:20:56,564
(CHEERING)
281
00:21:03,455 --> 00:21:05,446
Hello, Marty?
282
00:21:05,615 --> 00:21:08,607
- Marty, up there. Can you hear me?
- Hello?
283
00:21:08,775 --> 00:21:12,563
Oh, good. Just run through
those running order changes.
284
00:21:12,735 --> 00:21:17,251
- I think it might affect your lighting cues.
- OK, mate,
285
00:21:17,415 --> 00:21:21,294
Right, now, after Anthrax Attack
have finished their set,
286
00:21:21,455 --> 00:21:26,449
we've moved the Kray Sisters back, so it's now
Des Haemorrhage and Maggie Mussolini.
287
00:21:26,615 --> 00:21:30,005
- OK,
- Right. Then comes Jerry Sadowitz.
288
00:21:30,175 --> 00:21:34,327
Jack The Lettuce, who Killed Kathy Kirby?
and Sick, Sick, Sick.
289
00:21:34,495 --> 00:21:37,692
- (STATIC)
- Then we're back as before.
290
00:21:37,855 --> 00:21:43,851
Iggy Doonican, Coil And Cap, Orphanage
Explosion and Victor Meldrew and Cuthbert,
291
00:21:44,015 --> 00:21:46,973
which will be the cue out of the first half.
292
00:21:47,135 --> 00:21:49,854
One sec, Marty. Yes, Mr Meldrew?
293
00:21:50,015 --> 00:21:55,806
Is it possible for me to go on after
someone else other than Orphanage Explosion?
294
00:21:55,975 --> 00:21:58,887
Just seems rather a tricky act to follow.
295
00:21:59,055 --> 00:22:04,368
I suppose we could put you on later. what say
between Eraserbrain and Clive Antichrist?
296
00:22:04,535 --> 00:22:09,051
Eraserbrain? Look, to be honest, I...
I feel a bit out of place.
297
00:22:09,215 --> 00:22:13,652
- Could we just forget the whole thing?
- Don't be silly. You'll be fine.
298
00:22:13,815 --> 00:22:18,331
I'm sure you'll be a big success.
You've rehearsed. You can't back out.
299
00:22:18,495 --> 00:22:20,053
No.
300
00:22:22,215 --> 00:22:24,604
That's what worries me.
301
00:22:59,615 --> 00:23:01,810
Is anybody in?
302
00:23:02,775 --> 00:23:06,973
Hello? It's Mrs Meldrew from the florist's.
303
00:23:07,135 --> 00:23:12,129
I thought you might like these freesias.
we had them left over from a big display.
304
00:23:13,775 --> 00:23:15,970
Are you at home?
305
00:23:16,135 --> 00:23:19,332
(VICTOR SPEAKING IN SQUEAKY VOICE)
306
00:23:19,495 --> 00:23:22,293
(CONVERSING wITH DUMMY)
307
00:23:22,455 --> 00:23:25,447
(ROARS OF LAUGHTER)
308
00:23:35,215 --> 00:23:38,013
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
309
00:23:43,655 --> 00:23:45,850
Hello, Nick Swainey.
310
00:23:46,015 --> 00:23:49,087
Yes, hello, Sergeant. what's the problem?
311
00:23:55,735 --> 00:23:57,726
Er, yeah. Yeah, I will.
312
00:23:57,895 --> 00:24:01,205
No, Sergeant. Thank you for letting me know.
313
00:24:01,375 --> 00:24:03,764
Yeah, I will. Yeah. Bye-bye.
314
00:24:04,895 --> 00:24:08,205
- Hello. I'm supposed to pick up Mr Meldrew.
- He's...
315
00:24:08,375 --> 00:24:12,368
- I'm not sure if he's ready yet.
- He'll be off in second!
316
00:24:12,535 --> 00:24:16,926
Sorry. I've erm...
I've just had a piece of terrible news.
317
00:24:17,975 --> 00:24:23,766
One of the old people we go and visit,
an old blind chap, he's... He's been murdered.
318
00:24:23,935 --> 00:24:25,926
Oh, my goodness.
319
00:24:26,095 --> 00:24:29,292
- whenever was this?
- This afternoon.
320
00:24:29,455 --> 00:24:32,413
He was found. It could have been any time.
321
00:24:32,575 --> 00:24:35,533
The whole flat had been ransacked. Poor bloke.
322
00:24:35,695 --> 00:24:41,088
- God, they can't be right in the head.
- They just found him on the floor, strangled.
323
00:24:41,255 --> 00:24:45,646
- Lying there, a domino clutched in his hand.
- A domino?
324
00:24:45,815 --> 00:24:50,525
He could play dominoes.
He had a special set with raised spots.
325
00:24:50,695 --> 00:24:52,686
A domino.
326
00:24:52,855 --> 00:24:55,369
They didn't say which number?
327
00:24:56,295 --> 00:25:00,129
He did, in fact.
He said it was a... A double one.
328
00:25:00,295 --> 00:25:04,891
Don't suppose it means anything.
Anyway, if you'll excuse me, I'll...
329
00:25:09,215 --> 00:25:11,604
Double one...
330
00:25:11,775 --> 00:25:13,766
Two spots.
331
00:25:29,335 --> 00:25:32,088
Oh, hello. Have you been waiting long?
332
00:25:35,975 --> 00:25:38,489
Right, there we are.
333
00:25:41,135 --> 00:25:44,730
Are you all right?
You looked a bit edgy in the car.
334
00:25:44,895 --> 00:25:47,489
I expect you'd like a nice cup of tea.
335
00:25:48,415 --> 00:25:53,125
- Did you hear me?
- Oh, I didn't realise you were talking to me.
336
00:25:53,295 --> 00:25:57,686
Erm... No, no, it's all right.
I'll be getting along.
337
00:25:57,855 --> 00:25:59,846
Right, well...
338
00:26:00,015 --> 00:26:02,927
Before you go, could you take him for me?
339
00:26:04,015 --> 00:26:06,404
And then I can... That's it.
340
00:26:06,575 --> 00:26:10,204
That's right. He goes in the downstairs toilet.
341
00:26:10,375 --> 00:26:12,172
- Does he?
- Yes.
342
00:26:12,335 --> 00:26:17,329
If you wouldn't mind. Thanks very much.
If you could be quick. I think he's bursting.
343
00:26:17,495 --> 00:26:19,690
Bursting? Oh, right.
344
00:26:22,095 --> 00:26:24,848
Victor? How did it go?
345
00:26:25,015 --> 00:26:27,404
I've had a terrible day.
346
00:26:43,575 --> 00:26:45,770
(FLUSHING)
347
00:26:47,815 --> 00:26:50,124
There. There we are.
348
00:26:50,295 --> 00:26:53,173
All right? See you around, then.
349
00:26:59,855 --> 00:27:04,645
Anyway, I just wanted to thank you
for your contribution to the show.
350
00:27:04,815 --> 00:27:09,809
At least we can use some of the money
to give old Albert a proper funeral.
351
00:27:09,975 --> 00:27:16,414
For what? A few pounds left over
from his pension. That's all his life was worth.
352
00:27:16,575 --> 00:27:20,568
The irony of it is,
he had just over 100 in the post office.
353
00:27:20,735 --> 00:27:25,331
He was just about to use it to have
new locks fitted, get everything secured.
354
00:27:25,495 --> 00:27:29,329
If he'd done that on Friday morning,
he might be alive today.
355
00:27:29,495 --> 00:27:33,044
That's right. He said about that.
why didn't they come?
356
00:27:33,215 --> 00:27:38,209
Apparently he cancelled. He said
he needed the money for something else.
357
00:27:38,375 --> 00:27:41,367
what? what would make an old man like that
358
00:27:41,535 --> 00:27:45,528
suddenly part with all the money
he's got in the world?
359
00:28:31,575 --> 00:28:35,204
# They say I might as well face the truth
360
00:28:35,375 --> 00:28:38,287
# That I am just too long in the tooth
361
00:28:38,455 --> 00:28:41,686
# I've started to deteriorate
362
00:28:41,855 --> 00:28:45,291
# And now I've passed my own sell-by date
363
00:28:45,455 --> 00:28:49,130
# Oh, I am no spring chicken, it 's true
364
00:28:49,295 --> 00:28:52,605
# I have to pop my teeth in to chew
365
00:28:52,775 --> 00:28:55,767
# And my old knees have started to knock
366
00:28:55,935 --> 00:28:59,245
# I've just got too many miles on the clock
367
00:28:59,415 --> 00:29:03,203
# So I'm a wrinkly, crinkly, set in my ways
368
00:29:03,375 --> 00:29:07,129
# It's true that my body has seen better days
369
00:29:07,295 --> 00:29:10,844
# But give me half a chanceand I can still misbehave
370
00:29:11,015 --> 00:29:13,404
# One foot in the grave
371
00:29:14,375 --> 00:29:16,684
# One foot in the grave
372
00:29:17,935 --> 00:29:20,403
# One foot in the grave #
373
00:29:21,403 --> 00:29:31,403
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