All language subtitles for Last Man Standing - 03x16 - Stud Muffin.WEB-DL.English.HI.C.updated.Addic7ed.com

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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:02,402 --> 00:00:05,470 "Last Man Standing" is recorded in front of a live studio audience. 2 00:00:05,471 --> 00:00:07,472 I can't believe you left that guy my number. 3 00:00:07,473 --> 00:00:09,007 You weren't going to. 4 00:00:09,008 --> 00:00:11,209 Because he drives a minivan with a dent in it. 5 00:00:11,210 --> 00:00:13,912 - You were the one who dented it. - Wait. W-w-wait. Hold it. 6 00:00:13,913 --> 00:00:15,213 Mandy, you dented a car? 7 00:00:15,214 --> 00:00:16,348 A parked car. 8 00:00:16,349 --> 00:00:19,918 In her defense, she was swerving to avoid a tree. 9 00:00:19,919 --> 00:00:21,219 And you weren't gonna leave a note? 10 00:00:21,220 --> 00:00:22,387 Oh, what was I supposed to say? 11 00:00:22,388 --> 00:00:24,222 "Uh, sorry that I hit your car. 12 00:00:24,223 --> 00:00:26,057 Uh, here's my number." 13 00:00:26,058 --> 00:00:27,926 - Yes. - Yes. 14 00:00:27,927 --> 00:00:28,927 Okay, if I had to stop 15 00:00:28,928 --> 00:00:31,062 and leave notes on everything that I've banged into, 16 00:00:31,063 --> 00:00:33,064 I would never get anywhere. 17 00:00:33,065 --> 00:00:34,933 Come on, Mandy. You know better than that. 18 00:00:34,934 --> 00:00:37,002 W-what's your dad always going on and on about? 19 00:00:37,003 --> 00:00:39,504 Mm, Obama, Benghazi, "When are the Yekekians 20 00:00:39,505 --> 00:00:42,040 going to take down their Christmas lights?" 21 00:00:42,041 --> 00:00:43,508 Personal responsibility. 22 00:00:43,509 --> 00:00:44,943 Oh, right. 23 00:00:44,944 --> 00:00:46,912 I think that part kind of gets lost in all the crazy. 24 00:00:46,913 --> 00:00:48,046 Hey, hey. Hi. 25 00:00:48,047 --> 00:00:49,648 What the heck happened to your car? 26 00:00:49,649 --> 00:00:51,516 [chuckles] You should see the other guy. [door closes] 27 00:00:51,517 --> 00:00:53,185 That's not a boast you should make to the guy 28 00:00:53,186 --> 00:00:55,320 paying for your insurance. 29 00:00:55,321 --> 00:00:57,322 She bumped a parked car. But don't worry. 30 00:00:57,323 --> 00:01:00,025 - I did the right thing, and I left a note. - I left a note. 31 00:01:00,026 --> 00:01:01,393 - Why are you leaving the note? - Hey, what's the deal 32 00:01:01,394 --> 00:01:02,894 with the Yekekians and their Christmas lights, though? 33 00:01:02,895 --> 00:01:04,162 [chuckling] Am I right? 34 00:01:04,163 --> 00:01:05,997 Yeah, I was telling her, honey, 35 00:01:05,998 --> 00:01:07,966 owning up to your mistakes is its own reward. 36 00:01:07,967 --> 00:01:09,634 It's called integrity. 37 00:01:09,635 --> 00:01:11,470 It's something Obama doesn't have with that Benghazi thing. Okay. 38 00:01:11,471 --> 00:01:12,871 But still... You know... you know what? 39 00:01:12,872 --> 00:01:14,539 When are the Yekekians gonna take those stupid 40 00:01:14,540 --> 00:01:16,075 - Christmas lights down? - I don't know. 41 00:01:17,310 --> 00:01:19,010 Why is Eve writing notes for her? 42 00:01:19,011 --> 00:01:21,880 Uh, Mandy wouldn't do it. I'm so disappointed in her. 43 00:01:21,881 --> 00:01:24,916 Well, at least the good one knows right from wrong. 44 00:01:24,917 --> 00:01:27,319 Oh. All our girls are equally good. 45 00:01:27,320 --> 00:01:28,653 Oh, yeah. Keep beating that drum. 46 00:01:28,654 --> 00:01:30,322 [doorbell rings] 47 00:01:30,323 --> 00:01:31,890 [sighs] 48 00:01:31,891 --> 00:01:33,058 - Baxter. - Hey. 49 00:01:33,059 --> 00:01:34,659 Hey, what are you bringing 50 00:01:34,660 --> 00:01:36,561 this mangy critter over here for? 51 00:01:36,562 --> 00:01:38,597 Lady's a purebred German shepherd. 52 00:01:38,598 --> 00:01:39,931 I was talking to Lady. 53 00:01:39,932 --> 00:01:41,967 VANESSA: Oh. Come on. 54 00:01:41,968 --> 00:01:43,969 Seriously, Mike. Come on in, Chuck. 55 00:01:43,970 --> 00:01:45,003 [sighs] Okay. 56 00:01:45,004 --> 00:01:47,005 Well, we can't stay long because... 57 00:01:47,006 --> 00:01:48,541 [sighs] ...I don't want to. 58 00:01:50,109 --> 00:01:52,277 Listen, I went to the breeders today, 59 00:01:52,278 --> 00:01:53,445 and a funny thing... 60 00:01:53,446 --> 00:01:56,114 it turns out Lady is already pregnant. 61 00:01:56,115 --> 00:01:58,250 Now, how do you think that happened, Baxter? 62 00:01:58,251 --> 00:02:01,921 Well, when, uh... When two dogs really love each other... 63 00:02:03,189 --> 00:02:05,223 ...And they have enough tequila... 64 00:02:05,224 --> 00:02:08,226 [sighs] I never leave her around male dogs. 65 00:02:08,227 --> 00:02:10,929 Then, I remember when Eve volunteered 66 00:02:10,930 --> 00:02:12,397 to watch Lady for the weekend. 67 00:02:12,398 --> 00:02:13,598 Yeah. 68 00:02:13,599 --> 00:02:16,435 There is one dog she might have had contact with. 69 00:02:20,106 --> 00:02:21,606 Oh. [chuckling] Oh. 70 00:02:21,607 --> 00:02:23,975 Oh, no, no, no, no. No, no, no, no. 71 00:02:23,976 --> 00:02:26,444 Muffin is less a dog than a throw pillow. 72 00:02:26,445 --> 00:02:28,280 Oh. 73 00:02:28,281 --> 00:02:31,616 [chuckling] And, number two, Muffin is a girl. 74 00:02:31,617 --> 00:02:33,118 Uh, honey, you're... you're kidding, right? 75 00:02:33,119 --> 00:02:34,220 Muffin's a male. 76 00:02:37,890 --> 00:02:39,524 S-s-since when? 77 00:02:39,525 --> 00:02:41,026 Well... 78 00:02:41,027 --> 00:02:43,962 you never checked your dog's undercarriage, Baxter? 79 00:02:43,963 --> 00:02:46,298 We don't have that kind of relationship. 80 00:02:46,299 --> 00:02:49,100 Come here. Come here. Come here just for a second. 81 00:02:49,101 --> 00:02:50,435 Let me see you. [sighs] 82 00:02:50,436 --> 00:02:52,437 It's mostly fluff down there. 83 00:02:52,438 --> 00:02:55,106 Kind of like an early Penthouse Magazine. 84 00:02:55,107 --> 00:02:56,608 Yeah, well, look close. 85 00:02:56,609 --> 00:03:00,046 They're a lot tinier on the white ones. 86 00:03:01,881 --> 00:03:04,015 I'll be damned. 87 00:03:04,016 --> 00:03:06,885 Oh. Well, kind of makes me a little uncomfortable 88 00:03:06,886 --> 00:03:09,254 with all the naps we've taken together. 89 00:03:09,255 --> 00:03:11,991 I feel weird that you feel weird about that. 90 00:03:13,059 --> 00:03:15,260 How is that dog not fixed, Baxter? 91 00:03:15,261 --> 00:03:18,064 Has Sarah McLachlan taught you people nothing? 92 00:03:19,131 --> 00:03:20,966 Wait... the... hold... let's get this straight. 93 00:03:20,967 --> 00:03:22,267 You brought a dog in heat 94 00:03:22,268 --> 00:03:24,269 into a home with a well-known player. 95 00:03:24,270 --> 00:03:25,538 Give me five. 96 00:03:27,106 --> 00:03:28,974 I only allow Lady to breed 97 00:03:28,975 --> 00:03:31,242 with other purebred German shepherds. 98 00:03:31,243 --> 00:03:33,979 Well, maybe you should teach Lady how to say, "Nein!" 99 00:03:33,980 --> 00:03:38,550 I get like $500 or $600 apiece for Lady's pups. 100 00:03:38,551 --> 00:03:41,920 Sweet. What's our cut of that? 101 00:03:41,921 --> 00:03:45,223 Nobody is gonna want whatever weird monster babies 102 00:03:45,224 --> 00:03:47,225 come out of her now! 103 00:03:47,226 --> 00:03:51,896 Half German shepherd, half... dust bunny! 104 00:03:51,897 --> 00:03:54,099 W-what are you planning on doing about this, Baxter? 105 00:03:54,100 --> 00:03:55,266 Are you absolutely sure 106 00:03:55,267 --> 00:03:56,935 she hasn't been with any other dogs? 107 00:03:56,936 --> 00:04:00,572 What are you suggesting? 108 00:04:00,573 --> 00:04:03,109 That Lady... is a tramp. 109 00:04:04,977 --> 00:04:07,545 Walk around the neighborhood in a fur coat with no pants... 110 00:04:07,546 --> 00:04:09,280 What did you expect was gonna happen? 111 00:04:09,281 --> 00:04:12,951 What do you want, Baxter, a paternity test? 112 00:04:12,952 --> 00:04:14,219 That's a good idea. 113 00:04:14,220 --> 00:04:16,354 Maybe later on, Muffin and I stop by your house 114 00:04:16,355 --> 00:04:18,457 and drop a DNA sample on your front lawn. 115 00:04:20,473 --> 00:04:24,973 Sync & corrections by Alice www.addic7ed.com 116 00:04:26,999 --> 00:04:28,366 I'm just having trouble 117 00:04:28,367 --> 00:04:31,136 picturing how this was possible between Muffin and Lady. 118 00:04:31,137 --> 00:04:33,972 Well, Muffin's a resourceful little guy, you know? 119 00:04:33,973 --> 00:04:36,441 Maybe he got up on the picnic table. 120 00:04:36,442 --> 00:04:39,444 Which I will no longer be eating off of. 121 00:04:39,445 --> 00:04:43,048 And maybe they, uh, did it "people style." 122 00:04:43,049 --> 00:04:45,050 you know what, honey? 123 00:04:45,051 --> 00:04:46,885 We got to make this right with the Larabees. 124 00:04:46,886 --> 00:04:48,920 Carol is my closest friend in the neighborhood. 125 00:04:48,921 --> 00:04:51,656 This is on Lady for not being careful. 126 00:04:51,657 --> 00:04:52,991 Because, when it comes to birth control, 127 00:04:52,992 --> 00:04:55,126 the female bears total responsibility. 128 00:04:55,127 --> 00:04:57,207 Well, if she doesn't want to bear puppies, she does. 129 00:04:57,930 --> 00:05:00,131 Oh, my God. Bear puppies are so cute. 130 00:05:00,132 --> 00:05:01,366 [laughs] 131 00:05:01,367 --> 00:05:03,501 Muffin is gonna make such a great dad. Aren't you? 132 00:05:03,502 --> 00:05:05,170 "Hey! You kids knock it off back there, 133 00:05:05,171 --> 00:05:07,338 "or I'm gonna turn this car right around! 134 00:05:07,339 --> 00:05:08,506 Stop!" 135 00:05:08,507 --> 00:05:11,376 Uh, so, what's gonna happen with the puppies? 136 00:05:11,377 --> 00:05:12,911 Uh, what puppies? 137 00:05:12,912 --> 00:05:16,147 Oh, uh, Muffin knocked up the Larabees' German shepherd. 138 00:05:16,148 --> 00:05:19,051 [sighs] And, look, didn't skip town. 139 00:05:19,919 --> 00:05:21,920 Boyd, it's time for dinner, sweetie. 140 00:05:21,921 --> 00:05:25,190 So, Muffin impregnated a dog four times his size? 141 00:05:25,191 --> 00:05:28,060 Tom Cruise knocked up Katie Holmes. 142 00:05:29,361 --> 00:05:32,063 Anything is possible. [chuckles] 143 00:05:32,064 --> 00:05:33,565 I didn't even know Muffin was a male. 144 00:05:33,566 --> 00:05:37,368 See? He fools everybody with that squat-and-pee thing. 145 00:05:37,369 --> 00:05:38,903 Well... First thing's first... 146 00:05:38,904 --> 00:05:40,472 we really should get him neutered. 147 00:05:40,473 --> 00:05:42,307 Take his nuts off? Oh, honey. 148 00:05:42,308 --> 00:05:44,976 After what those little nuggets accomplished? 149 00:05:44,977 --> 00:05:47,645 Hey. Nobody answered me. What's gonna happen with the puppies? 150 00:05:47,646 --> 00:05:49,914 Well [sighs] the Larabees will probably try 151 00:05:49,915 --> 00:05:51,182 to find them good homes. 152 00:05:51,183 --> 00:05:52,417 Which will be tricky 153 00:05:52,418 --> 00:05:54,385 'cause nobody really wants a Maltese shepherd. 154 00:05:54,386 --> 00:05:55,420 A Germ-tese. 155 00:05:55,421 --> 00:05:57,255 Mal... Mall-turd? [chuckles] 156 00:05:57,256 --> 00:05:59,257 Okay, so, if they can't find homes... 157 00:05:59,258 --> 00:06:01,025 Well, if they can't find homes, 158 00:06:01,026 --> 00:06:02,527 then they'll end up at the pound, 159 00:06:02,528 --> 00:06:04,262 and they'll probably be just destr... 160 00:06:04,263 --> 00:06:06,264 H-hey. hi. hey. 161 00:06:06,265 --> 00:06:07,432 Uh, did, uh... 162 00:06:07,433 --> 00:06:08,600 maybe you should wash your hands, honey. 163 00:06:08,601 --> 00:06:10,101 - Yeah. - I already washed them. 164 00:06:10,102 --> 00:06:11,436 Did those fingers end up in your nose since then? 165 00:06:11,437 --> 00:06:14,439 - Only these two. - Aah. 166 00:06:14,440 --> 00:06:16,608 Go, go, go. Wash them again. Let's go. 167 00:06:16,609 --> 00:06:17,609 [sighs] 168 00:06:17,610 --> 00:06:18,977 There's very little chance 169 00:06:18,978 --> 00:06:20,445 those puppies will end up in the pound. 170 00:06:20,446 --> 00:06:21,513 Oh. That's a relief. 171 00:06:21,514 --> 00:06:23,615 He's just gonna terminate the pregnancy. 172 00:06:23,616 --> 00:06:25,316 - Oh, Dad, what? - Oh, Mike. Come on. 173 00:06:25,317 --> 00:06:27,018 Well, that's what happens... they'll get rid of the babies 174 00:06:27,019 --> 00:06:28,486 so she can go through another breeding cycle. 175 00:06:28,487 --> 00:06:29,621 That's just what happens, guys. 176 00:06:29,622 --> 00:06:30,889 Well, we can't let him do that. 177 00:06:30,890 --> 00:06:32,323 Dad, we have to save them. 178 00:06:32,324 --> 00:06:34,993 Don't we have any rights? Muffin is the father. 179 00:06:34,994 --> 00:06:37,162 Wait a minute, are you saying someone other than the mother 180 00:06:37,163 --> 00:06:39,430 has rights during the pregnancy? 181 00:06:39,431 --> 00:06:43,134 "One of my puppies could grow up to cure cancer!" 182 00:06:43,135 --> 00:06:44,269 I am just saying 183 00:06:44,270 --> 00:06:46,604 that you and Chuck should work something out. 184 00:06:46,605 --> 00:06:48,006 No, no. No, no. 185 00:06:48,007 --> 00:06:50,408 This is a choice between Lady and her physician. 186 00:06:50,409 --> 00:06:52,977 Maybe she's not ready to have children. 187 00:06:52,978 --> 00:06:54,179 Maybe this is an inconvenient time. 188 00:06:54,180 --> 00:06:56,047 Maybe she wants to go back to obedience school, you know? 189 00:06:56,048 --> 00:06:58,016 Whatever. 190 00:06:58,017 --> 00:06:59,918 The father has no rights when it comes to pregnancy. 191 00:06:59,919 --> 00:07:02,487 Yeah, but he has plenty to say before the pregnancy. 192 00:07:02,488 --> 00:07:04,322 By using birth control or self-control... 193 00:07:04,323 --> 00:07:07,192 - two things guys kind of stink at. - Amen. 194 00:07:07,193 --> 00:07:08,927 It sounds like someone's trying 195 00:07:08,928 --> 00:07:10,995 to ditch out on their responsibilities, Mike. 196 00:07:10,996 --> 00:07:13,131 I didn't get the dog pregnant. 197 00:07:13,132 --> 00:07:16,301 I didn't even know Muffin had the equipment. 198 00:07:16,302 --> 00:07:18,269 All right. Let's pray. We eat. 199 00:07:18,270 --> 00:07:19,304 [cellphone rings] Sorry. 200 00:07:19,305 --> 00:07:20,939 Please, put the phones down. 201 00:07:20,940 --> 00:07:23,208 [inhale sharply] Oh, no. It's an unknown number. 202 00:07:23,209 --> 00:07:24,876 Oh, I bet it's that car you bumped. 203 00:07:24,877 --> 00:07:27,345 Mandy, answer it. You can't run away from it. 204 00:07:27,346 --> 00:07:30,014 Hi. This is Mandy Baxter. 205 00:07:30,015 --> 00:07:31,149 Hey, hey, hey. 206 00:07:31,150 --> 00:07:33,318 See if he wants a monster puppy as payment. 207 00:07:33,319 --> 00:07:34,987 Stop. 208 00:07:42,228 --> 00:07:44,563 [doorbell rings] 209 00:07:48,300 --> 00:07:50,335 Oh. Hey, Carol. Is Chuck around? 210 00:07:50,336 --> 00:07:52,170 Sorry, Mike. He's not here. 211 00:07:52,171 --> 00:07:54,005 Oh, okay, would you tell him that Vanessa and I 212 00:07:54,006 --> 00:07:58,610 figured it probably was Muffin that got his freak on with Lady? 213 00:07:58,611 --> 00:08:00,245 Oh, well, Lady is a big girl, 214 00:08:00,246 --> 00:08:03,047 and by that I mean she probably didn't notice. 215 00:08:03,048 --> 00:08:06,017 Um, well, w-whatever the costs, 216 00:08:06,018 --> 00:08:07,919 - w-we'll share them with you. - Okay. 217 00:08:07,920 --> 00:08:10,388 'Cause it's... you know, it's It's the right thing to do. 218 00:08:10,389 --> 00:08:12,457 - Fine. - You're welcome. 219 00:08:12,458 --> 00:08:13,591 I didn't say "Thank you." 220 00:08:13,592 --> 00:08:17,562 I know you didn't, but... you're welcome. 221 00:08:17,563 --> 00:08:18,930 Listen. [chuckles] 222 00:08:18,931 --> 00:08:20,231 I'll tell Chuck. I promise. 223 00:08:20,232 --> 00:08:22,533 But I'm not quite sure when I'm gonna see him again. 224 00:08:22,534 --> 00:08:24,068 Ah, don't worry. I'm sure he'll come back. 225 00:08:24,069 --> 00:08:25,370 Don't let the statistics scare you. 226 00:08:25,371 --> 00:08:26,538 [chuckles] 227 00:08:28,007 --> 00:08:32,210 That's... that's a kind of joke Chuck enjoys. 228 00:08:32,211 --> 00:08:34,879 Mm. He really doesn't. 229 00:08:34,880 --> 00:08:37,282 But he's not here. He moved out. 230 00:08:37,283 --> 00:08:39,050 Out? 231 00:08:39,051 --> 00:08:41,085 Out... almost a week ago. 232 00:08:41,086 --> 00:08:42,954 I'm sorry to hear that. I really am. 233 00:08:42,955 --> 00:08:44,289 So, um, if you don't mind me asking, 234 00:08:44,290 --> 00:08:45,623 where... where did he move to? 235 00:08:45,624 --> 00:08:47,625 He's staying temporarily over at the Pinewood, 236 00:08:47,626 --> 00:08:50,061 those furnished apartments you can rent by the week. 237 00:08:50,062 --> 00:08:51,062 Ri... [laughs] 238 00:08:51,063 --> 00:08:52,196 It's funny 'cause a lot of guys 239 00:08:52,197 --> 00:08:55,233 rent those by the by the hour 'cause the... 240 00:08:55,234 --> 00:08:58,369 I don't... I'm s... I don't ...I don't... I don't... 241 00:08:58,370 --> 00:09:00,339 I don't think Chuck did it that way, though. 242 00:09:09,645 --> 00:09:11,313 - Hey. - Hi. 243 00:09:11,414 --> 00:09:13,249 So... how pissed was the guy about his car. 244 00:09:13,850 --> 00:09:15,283 Did he yell? Did he slap you? 245 00:09:15,284 --> 00:09:16,752 You know what? 246 00:09:16,753 --> 00:09:19,354 He was actually really impressed that I left a note. 247 00:09:19,355 --> 00:09:21,123 But I left the note. 248 00:09:21,124 --> 00:09:23,125 Yeah, it turns out that he owns that electronics store 249 00:09:23,126 --> 00:09:24,660 where we parked, 250 00:09:24,661 --> 00:09:28,163 and he said that my honesty restored his faith in humanity. 251 00:09:28,164 --> 00:09:31,199 And then he gathered all of his employees around. 252 00:09:31,200 --> 00:09:33,869 And... they slapped you? 253 00:09:33,870 --> 00:09:35,203 They applauded me. 254 00:09:35,204 --> 00:09:36,338 And then... 255 00:09:36,339 --> 00:09:38,006 He gave me an iPad! 256 00:09:38,007 --> 00:09:40,642 What? Yeah! 257 00:09:40,643 --> 00:09:42,277 Yeah, he said I should be rewarded for my integrity. 258 00:09:42,278 --> 00:09:45,580 Mm-hmm. But it's my integrity, so it's my iPad. 259 00:09:45,581 --> 00:09:47,215 Ooh, Eve, Eve, Eve. No. 260 00:09:47,216 --> 00:09:48,316 Just try being a better person. 261 00:09:48,317 --> 00:09:49,786 Good things will happen to you, too. 262 00:09:51,187 --> 00:09:52,721 [sighs] 263 00:09:52,722 --> 00:09:53,922 Hey, honey? Yeah? 264 00:09:53,923 --> 00:09:55,691 Good night, girls. Good night. BOTH: Good night. 265 00:09:55,692 --> 00:09:57,325 You ready for bed? As a matter of fact, I am. 266 00:09:57,326 --> 00:09:59,194 But you know what? I'm gonna get some cereal. I'll be up. 267 00:09:59,195 --> 00:10:01,329 Okay. Oh, hey. You know what? 268 00:10:01,330 --> 00:10:03,265 You never told me how things went with Chuck. 269 00:10:03,266 --> 00:10:05,000 Are you two, uh, all back to normal? 270 00:10:05,001 --> 00:10:06,101 In that we still dislike each other? 271 00:10:06,102 --> 00:10:07,636 That's never gonna change. 272 00:10:07,637 --> 00:10:08,770 He actually wasn't there. 273 00:10:08,771 --> 00:10:10,305 But, uh, Carol gave me his new address. 274 00:10:10,306 --> 00:10:11,973 New address? What new address? 275 00:10:11,974 --> 00:10:13,842 Are the Larabees moving? 276 00:10:13,843 --> 00:10:15,210 Just Chuck. 277 00:10:15,211 --> 00:10:16,745 What? 278 00:10:16,746 --> 00:10:19,114 Hey, are you telling me that Chuck left Carol? 279 00:10:19,115 --> 00:10:20,882 I don't know. We... we didn't get into it. 280 00:10:20,883 --> 00:10:23,919 [gasps] I... [sighs] I'm shocked. 281 00:10:23,920 --> 00:10:25,120 You know, I'm not really shocked. 282 00:10:25,121 --> 00:10:26,188 I think she woke up one day 283 00:10:26,189 --> 00:10:29,691 and went, "Damn, I'm married to Chuck?" 284 00:10:29,692 --> 00:10:32,360 Either way, honey, this is none of our business, okay? 285 00:10:32,361 --> 00:10:35,030 No. No. I just... I can't believe she didn't tell me. 286 00:10:35,031 --> 00:10:37,165 I-I just saw her yesterday, and she never let on. 287 00:10:37,166 --> 00:10:40,303 I guess it's true... Black don't crack. 288 00:10:42,071 --> 00:10:45,207 That's not what that means. 289 00:10:45,208 --> 00:10:46,341 I asked her if she was okay, 290 00:10:46,342 --> 00:10:48,210 and she had the nerve to say "Fine." 291 00:10:48,211 --> 00:10:49,344 But she is fine. No, she lied right to my face. 292 00:10:49,345 --> 00:10:50,579 No, she is fine. No. 293 00:10:50,580 --> 00:10:51,613 She said "Fine" to me, too. 294 00:10:51,614 --> 00:10:53,115 You know that feeling that washes over you 295 00:10:53,116 --> 00:10:54,437 every time Chuck leaves the room? 296 00:10:56,219 --> 00:10:57,252 Where are you going? 297 00:10:57,253 --> 00:10:59,254 I'm going to see my dear friend Carol Larabee. 298 00:10:59,255 --> 00:11:00,322 You know what time it is? 299 00:11:00,323 --> 00:11:02,758 No, I just want to make sure she's okay 300 00:11:02,759 --> 00:11:05,193 and that she knows that I am always there for her. 301 00:11:05,194 --> 00:11:07,896 Don't go over there now! There's no reason to... 302 00:11:07,897 --> 00:11:09,298 See if she's got milk. 303 00:11:11,567 --> 00:11:13,168 And, hey, watch your step. 304 00:11:13,169 --> 00:11:15,103 I made good on that DNA promise, too. 305 00:11:15,104 --> 00:11:17,640 [sighs] 306 00:11:20,209 --> 00:11:22,678 [doorbell rings] 307 00:11:25,314 --> 00:11:26,648 Vanessa? 308 00:11:26,649 --> 00:11:28,116 Oh, Carol, honey, Mike told me about Chuck. 309 00:11:28,117 --> 00:11:29,918 You... you must be devastated. 310 00:11:29,919 --> 00:11:31,119 You know, I'm actually a very private person 311 00:11:31,120 --> 00:11:32,687 when it comes to things like this. 312 00:11:32,688 --> 00:11:34,122 - Right. Mm-hmm. - I'm hoping you'll understand that. 313 00:11:34,123 --> 00:11:35,957 - But we're friends. - I didn't think you would. 314 00:11:35,958 --> 00:11:38,093 Come on in. 315 00:11:38,094 --> 00:11:39,294 I know, sweetie. I-I-I hate to intrude. 316 00:11:39,295 --> 00:11:41,797 But how... how are you holding up? 317 00:11:41,798 --> 00:11:43,265 This is probably the worst of it right here. 318 00:11:43,266 --> 00:11:44,566 Yeah. 319 00:11:44,567 --> 00:11:45,801 Yeah, listen, Carol, 320 00:11:45,802 --> 00:11:47,068 you don't have to pretend to be strong for me. 321 00:11:47,069 --> 00:11:49,070 If there's one thing I've learned as a military wife, 322 00:11:49,071 --> 00:11:50,906 it's how to get along without my husband. 323 00:11:50,907 --> 00:11:52,340 Mm. Yeah. And, with all that moving around, 324 00:11:52,341 --> 00:11:53,909 not to get too close to the neighbors. 325 00:11:53,910 --> 00:11:54,910 So... 326 00:11:54,911 --> 00:11:57,579 Well, wait, listen. 327 00:11:57,580 --> 00:12:00,115 Carol, I mean, w-when did Chuck leave home? 328 00:12:00,116 --> 00:12:02,184 A week ago. What? 329 00:12:02,185 --> 00:12:04,252 A-a week ago? But... but I just saw you yesterday. 330 00:12:04,253 --> 00:12:06,888 We went to a movie. Why... why didn't you tell me then? 331 00:12:06,889 --> 00:12:08,089 I don't talk in movie theaters. 332 00:12:08,090 --> 00:12:09,157 - I... - Most of us don't. 333 00:12:09,158 --> 00:12:10,859 - I know, but... - Tell your friends. 334 00:12:10,860 --> 00:12:11,893 [sighs] 335 00:12:11,894 --> 00:12:13,061 Although, I did agree with that woman 336 00:12:13,062 --> 00:12:14,596 who yelled, "Watch out, gravity! 337 00:12:14,597 --> 00:12:17,899 Don't let go of that spaceship!" 338 00:12:17,900 --> 00:12:19,034 I'm sorry. 339 00:12:19,035 --> 00:12:21,203 I thought we were... were closer than that. 340 00:12:21,204 --> 00:12:23,038 Well, if you had asked me about Chuck, I would have told you. 341 00:12:23,039 --> 00:12:24,206 Well... "Asked you?" 342 00:12:24,207 --> 00:12:26,241 Well, Carol, I-I-I can't ask you about every little thing. 343 00:12:26,242 --> 00:12:28,076 I mean, I-I can't ask you every time I see you 344 00:12:28,077 --> 00:12:29,578 if you have some terrible disease. 345 00:12:29,579 --> 00:12:30,812 [gasps] 346 00:12:30,813 --> 00:12:32,314 Please tell me you don't have a terrible disease! 347 00:12:32,315 --> 00:12:33,715 Please. [laughs] 348 00:12:33,716 --> 00:12:35,884 If I did, would you stop yelling at me? 349 00:12:35,885 --> 00:12:37,619 Oh, I am so sorry. I'm so sorry. 350 00:12:37,620 --> 00:12:39,087 I'm sorry, too. Aw. 351 00:12:39,088 --> 00:12:41,156 I mean, I didn't know Chuck and me having a big fight 352 00:12:41,157 --> 00:12:43,325 - would cause you this much pain. - No, it's just... No. 353 00:12:43,326 --> 00:12:45,861 Oh. [voice breaking] I just... 354 00:12:45,862 --> 00:12:48,330 Oh, I want to be there for you, Carol. 355 00:12:48,331 --> 00:12:52,331 And I just... I don't know. I want you to want me, too. 356 00:12:53,069 --> 00:12:55,136 Oh, come on, honey. 357 00:12:55,137 --> 00:12:56,805 [sobbing] There, there. 358 00:12:56,806 --> 00:12:59,242 - Oh, you gonna get over this, girl. - Ohh. 359 00:13:10,234 --> 00:13:13,603 - Oh, there she is, my good Samaritan, Mandy. - Hi. 360 00:13:13,604 --> 00:13:14,671 [both laugh] 361 00:13:14,672 --> 00:13:15,972 Don't tell me... you dented my car again. 362 00:13:15,973 --> 00:13:17,307 [laughs] 363 00:13:17,308 --> 00:13:18,908 But, of course, you would tell me 364 00:13:18,909 --> 00:13:20,210 because you're such an honest person. 365 00:13:20,211 --> 00:13:22,579 Aww. Yeah, no. I was really careful this time. 366 00:13:22,580 --> 00:13:24,581 I just parked in the handicapped spot. 367 00:13:24,582 --> 00:13:26,549 Okay. 368 00:13:26,550 --> 00:13:28,551 So, are you enjoying your iPad? 369 00:13:28,552 --> 00:13:29,652 [inhales sharply] 370 00:13:29,653 --> 00:13:32,255 Well... I kind of thought that it'd have, like, 371 00:13:32,256 --> 00:13:34,591 more gigs and maybe the retina display, 372 00:13:34,592 --> 00:13:37,160 so I was hoping that I could just return it for cash. 373 00:13:37,161 --> 00:13:39,729 - Let me get this straight. - Yeah. 374 00:13:39,730 --> 00:13:40,864 - You dent my car. - Mm-hmm. 375 00:13:40,865 --> 00:13:42,532 And I reward you for your honesty 376 00:13:42,533 --> 00:13:43,900 by giving you a beautiful gift. 377 00:13:43,901 --> 00:13:46,002 Yes, it was beautiful... 378 00:13:46,003 --> 00:13:48,872 but also sort of, like, the base model. 379 00:13:48,873 --> 00:13:50,874 And now you want to return it to me 380 00:13:50,875 --> 00:13:52,542 and expect me to give you cash? 381 00:13:52,543 --> 00:13:54,677 Mm-hmm. That would be great. Thank you. 382 00:13:54,678 --> 00:13:55,879 How dare you?! 383 00:13:55,880 --> 00:13:59,549 Okay, um... Store credit is totally fine. 384 00:13:59,550 --> 00:14:01,784 Although, like, I'm not really seeing anything 385 00:14:01,785 --> 00:14:03,620 that I love, but... 386 00:14:03,621 --> 00:14:05,521 You ungrateful criminal. 387 00:14:05,522 --> 00:14:06,656 What? 388 00:14:06,657 --> 00:14:08,091 Everyone, gather 'round. You remember Mandy. 389 00:14:08,092 --> 00:14:09,259 [applause] 390 00:14:09,260 --> 00:14:11,628 No clapping! 391 00:14:11,629 --> 00:14:13,029 She is no longer our friend. 392 00:14:13,030 --> 00:14:15,632 She is here today throwing my gift in my face 393 00:14:15,633 --> 00:14:17,834 and breaking my heart. 394 00:14:17,835 --> 00:14:18,835 Give me that. No. 395 00:14:18,836 --> 00:14:21,037 No gift for you. 396 00:14:21,038 --> 00:14:24,040 Ha. Joke's on you because I didn't even leave that note. 397 00:14:24,041 --> 00:14:25,575 My sister did. 398 00:14:25,576 --> 00:14:26,709 Oh, well, ha. 399 00:14:26,710 --> 00:14:28,711 Joke's back on you because I'm gonna call 400 00:14:28,712 --> 00:14:30,213 your insurance company for that dent. 401 00:14:30,214 --> 00:14:31,581 Oh, ha ha! 402 00:14:31,582 --> 00:14:33,049 Joke's back on you because that bill 403 00:14:33,050 --> 00:14:34,584 goes straight to my dad. 404 00:14:34,585 --> 00:14:35,985 Well, ha. 405 00:14:35,986 --> 00:14:38,187 The joke's on you because you're being towed right now. 406 00:14:40,724 --> 00:14:43,560 So much for your no-hassle return policy. 407 00:14:47,097 --> 00:14:49,632 Doc, I'll bring him over right now. 408 00:14:49,633 --> 00:14:50,900 Yeah, yeah. Thanks. 409 00:14:50,901 --> 00:14:53,036 [sighs] 410 00:14:53,037 --> 00:14:54,837 Listen, I'm sorry it's come to this, Muffin. 411 00:14:54,838 --> 00:14:56,798 I'll give you a few minutes to kiss them goodbye. 412 00:14:58,008 --> 00:14:59,976 - I'm gonna head out. - Mm. 413 00:14:59,977 --> 00:15:01,210 You going to the vet? 414 00:15:01,211 --> 00:15:03,046 I can't get this operation off my mind. 415 00:15:03,047 --> 00:15:06,649 Today, at Starbucks, I ordered a muffin without nuts. 416 00:15:06,650 --> 00:15:08,551 Honey, he'll sleep, and when he wakes up, 417 00:15:08,552 --> 00:15:09,919 he won't even know what happened. 418 00:15:09,920 --> 00:15:11,888 He's a guy. He'll know what happened. 419 00:15:11,889 --> 00:15:14,223 If it happened to me, I'd know what happened. 420 00:15:14,224 --> 00:15:16,225 If it happened to you, you'd have to figure out 421 00:15:16,226 --> 00:15:17,994 something else to do while you watch TV. 422 00:15:17,995 --> 00:15:20,530 Listen. [sighs] 423 00:15:20,531 --> 00:15:23,700 - Can we please talk about the Larabees? - This is none of our business. 424 00:15:23,701 --> 00:15:24,968 I tried to get Carol to open up about it, but... 425 00:15:24,969 --> 00:15:26,936 Because it's none of our business. 426 00:15:26,937 --> 00:15:28,905 Chuck's retirement is the problem. 427 00:15:28,906 --> 00:15:31,240 See, he's around all the time with nothing to do, 428 00:15:31,241 --> 00:15:33,142 and he pretends it doesn't affect him, 429 00:15:33,143 --> 00:15:35,311 but the guy feels like he's lost his purpose. 430 00:15:35,312 --> 00:15:36,946 You said you couldn't get her to open up. 431 00:15:36,947 --> 00:15:38,915 Well... I don't know this much about Jesus, 432 00:15:38,916 --> 00:15:40,583 and I read the whole book. 433 00:15:40,584 --> 00:15:43,086 Well... I had to fill in a lot of the blanks. 434 00:15:43,087 --> 00:15:44,887 Look, I know Carol well enough to know 435 00:15:44,888 --> 00:15:46,289 that her pushing me away, it's really... 436 00:15:46,290 --> 00:15:47,757 really a plea for help. 437 00:15:47,758 --> 00:15:50,793 Or a plea for you to go away! 438 00:15:50,794 --> 00:15:51,928 Well, you'll talk to him, 439 00:15:51,929 --> 00:15:53,997 and you'll get Chuck's side of the story. 440 00:15:53,998 --> 00:15:54,964 I don't want Chuck's side of the story! 441 00:15:54,965 --> 00:15:56,065 Why am I involved in this? 442 00:15:56,066 --> 00:15:57,066 Look, the guy is lost. 443 00:15:57,067 --> 00:15:58,601 He's over there breeding dogs 444 00:15:58,602 --> 00:16:01,204 because Carol talked him out of getting chickens. 445 00:16:01,205 --> 00:16:02,638 Listen, you know the won... 446 00:16:02,639 --> 00:16:03,973 wonderful thing about other people's problems? 447 00:16:03,974 --> 00:16:05,675 They're other people's problems. 448 00:16:05,676 --> 00:16:06,876 Well, you know what? 449 00:16:06,877 --> 00:16:07,877 Do what you want, but the guy deserves our help. 450 00:16:07,878 --> 00:16:10,213 He's a neighbor, he's a friend, and he's a vet. 451 00:16:10,214 --> 00:16:11,881 Well, he's not the kind of vet that could help me out with Muffin. 452 00:16:11,882 --> 00:16:12,950 I'll tell you that. 453 00:16:14,852 --> 00:16:16,953 Oh, come on. 454 00:16:16,954 --> 00:16:18,988 You're gonna have to figure out something else to do 455 00:16:18,989 --> 00:16:20,657 when you watch TV. 456 00:16:24,995 --> 00:16:27,697 Okay, Lady. 457 00:16:27,698 --> 00:16:30,033 Now, I ran out of brown, 458 00:16:30,034 --> 00:16:33,970 so I'm gonna have to paint your eyes green! 459 00:16:33,971 --> 00:16:35,238 [knock on door] 460 00:16:35,239 --> 00:16:38,241 Okay, well, you just stay there. I'll get it. 461 00:16:38,242 --> 00:16:42,245 If it's an intruder, I'll bite him. 462 00:16:42,246 --> 00:16:43,579 [sighs] 463 00:16:43,580 --> 00:16:45,214 - Come here. - Bax... Baxter? 464 00:16:45,215 --> 00:16:46,749 Hold on a second. Come here! 465 00:16:46,750 --> 00:16:49,852 Come here, you little horn dog! That's a cat, damn it. 466 00:16:49,853 --> 00:16:52,021 Oh. Geez. 467 00:16:52,022 --> 00:16:53,956 Did you bring him around here to gloat? 468 00:16:53,957 --> 00:16:55,825 No, no. On my way to get him fixed. 469 00:16:55,826 --> 00:16:57,627 I figured, maybe for old time's sakes, 470 00:16:57,628 --> 00:16:58,828 that Lady would toss him one. 471 00:16:58,829 --> 00:17:01,898 [groans] We're not interested. 472 00:17:01,899 --> 00:17:03,232 [door closes] [Lady whines] 473 00:17:03,233 --> 00:17:05,101 I said we're not interested. 474 00:17:05,102 --> 00:17:06,669 Actually, the reason I stopped by... 475 00:17:06,670 --> 00:17:08,037 I don't know what Carol told you, 476 00:17:08,038 --> 00:17:10,206 but I'm willing to take responsibility for those puppies. 477 00:17:10,207 --> 00:17:11,874 Oh. 478 00:17:11,875 --> 00:17:15,875 I haven't spoken to Carol, but, uh... but thanks. 479 00:17:17,214 --> 00:17:20,716 And, uh... Oh, when you... when you spoke to Carol, 480 00:17:20,717 --> 00:17:24,987 did, uh... did she, uh Did she seem okay? 481 00:17:24,988 --> 00:17:26,722 Yeah, I guess. I didn't talk to her much. 482 00:17:26,723 --> 00:17:28,558 I talked to her boyfriend. Man, he can cook. 483 00:17:28,559 --> 00:17:30,860 I don't know what he was making. 484 00:17:30,861 --> 00:17:32,095 Painting the den there. 485 00:17:32,096 --> 00:17:34,630 Putting his furniture in it. [laughs] Oh, Baxter. 486 00:17:34,631 --> 00:17:36,099 I'd really hoped Carol 487 00:17:36,100 --> 00:17:39,802 would get custody of you in the breakup. 488 00:17:39,803 --> 00:17:43,239 You know, I... Enh-enh! 489 00:17:43,240 --> 00:17:46,742 Oh, that... Man, that's something, huh? 490 00:17:46,743 --> 00:17:47,877 [sighs] 491 00:17:47,878 --> 00:17:49,946 Which one of you painted this? 492 00:17:49,947 --> 00:17:52,081 It's... it's a new hobby. 493 00:17:52,082 --> 00:17:54,050 I'm not... not really good at hobbies. [sighs] 494 00:17:54,051 --> 00:17:55,886 Not really good at painting, either. 495 00:17:57,187 --> 00:18:00,056 Chuck... What are you doing here? 496 00:18:00,057 --> 00:18:02,959 I'm trying to enjoy my retirement. 497 00:18:02,960 --> 00:18:05,128 But my wife thinks I need to be doing stuff. 498 00:18:05,129 --> 00:18:06,996 I-I don't want to... I don't want to 499 00:18:06,997 --> 00:18:09,565 clean rain gutters or... or build shelves 500 00:18:09,566 --> 00:18:11,901 or plant her a little patch of oregano. 501 00:18:11,902 --> 00:18:14,137 I do not like oregano! 502 00:18:14,138 --> 00:18:15,805 If you garden like you paint, 503 00:18:15,806 --> 00:18:17,306 you won't have to worry about that. 504 00:18:17,307 --> 00:18:20,910 The woman won't accept that I just like to do nothing. 505 00:18:20,911 --> 00:18:21,911 It's understandable. 506 00:18:21,912 --> 00:18:23,212 I mean, you are in your late 40s. 507 00:18:23,213 --> 00:18:25,748 That's generally the time that men just sit back 508 00:18:25,749 --> 00:18:27,183 and wait to die. 509 00:18:27,184 --> 00:18:30,553 Sometimes, death can just spring up on a man, 510 00:18:30,554 --> 00:18:32,955 like when he's bothering a Marine. 511 00:18:32,956 --> 00:18:35,291 Listen, I get it. 512 00:18:35,292 --> 00:18:36,993 I get what it's like coming home. 513 00:18:36,994 --> 00:18:38,928 I was on the road for eight years of my marriage 514 00:18:38,929 --> 00:18:40,730 shooting pictures for Outdoor Man. 515 00:18:40,731 --> 00:18:42,565 Well, unless those pictures were shooting back, 516 00:18:42,566 --> 00:18:44,667 it's not really the same thing. 517 00:18:44,668 --> 00:18:46,068 I'm talking about when I got him, 518 00:18:46,069 --> 00:18:49,071 my wife had all sorts of ideas how I should spend my time. 519 00:18:49,072 --> 00:18:50,273 [sighs] 520 00:18:50,274 --> 00:18:52,808 Didn't like it, but, I mean, I didn't just bail out. 521 00:18:52,809 --> 00:18:55,011 [sighs] What do you want me to say, Baxter? 522 00:18:55,012 --> 00:18:56,979 That all I've ever done is serve my country, 523 00:18:56,980 --> 00:18:58,748 and without it I'm lost? 524 00:18:58,749 --> 00:19:00,917 That my whole identity was tied up with being a Marine, 525 00:19:00,918 --> 00:19:02,785 and now I don't know who I am? 526 00:19:02,786 --> 00:19:05,054 Or... or... or... Oh, I-I'm afraid. 527 00:19:05,055 --> 00:19:06,589 Oh, yeah, now, that's it. That's it. 528 00:19:06,590 --> 00:19:08,925 I'm afraid to take the next step in my life 529 00:19:08,926 --> 00:19:12,161 because what if I try something new and I fail? 530 00:19:12,162 --> 00:19:14,031 Uh... Exhibit "A." 531 00:19:15,165 --> 00:19:18,034 I ran out of brown! 532 00:19:18,035 --> 00:19:19,535 Look, I-I got home, 533 00:19:19,536 --> 00:19:21,170 and I had to figure out a way to reinvent myself. 534 00:19:21,171 --> 00:19:22,872 You got to reinvent yourself. 535 00:19:22,873 --> 00:19:25,007 [sighs] I get it, Baxter. 536 00:19:25,008 --> 00:19:26,576 No, but you can't do it alone. 537 00:19:26,577 --> 00:19:28,177 You got to reinvent yourself around the... 538 00:19:28,178 --> 00:19:30,179 the new platoon you got to spend time with. 539 00:19:30,180 --> 00:19:33,182 It's your wife and kid. 540 00:19:33,183 --> 00:19:34,685 You got to go home, man. 541 00:19:36,887 --> 00:19:37,887 [sighs] 542 00:19:37,888 --> 00:19:39,723 You're welcome. 543 00:19:40,924 --> 00:19:42,858 I didn't say "Thank you." 544 00:19:42,859 --> 00:19:45,661 It's time to go get snipped. 545 00:19:45,662 --> 00:19:47,998 I'm gonna put them on a key chain. 546 00:19:48,899 --> 00:19:52,068 You could have just said you missed me, Baxter. 547 00:19:52,069 --> 00:19:53,070 Yeah, I could have. 548 00:19:54,771 --> 00:19:56,772 Listen, you might want to give Carol a courtesy call 549 00:19:56,773 --> 00:19:58,574 in case someone's there planting her oregano. 550 00:19:58,575 --> 00:20:00,010 [laughs] [door closes] 551 00:20:06,414 --> 00:20:08,281 Hi, there. 552 00:20:08,282 --> 00:20:11,651 Mike "The Moose" Baxter here for Outdoor Man. 553 00:20:11,652 --> 00:20:14,154 [howls] 554 00:20:14,155 --> 00:20:17,424 Announcing our first annual marriage-saver sale. 555 00:20:17,425 --> 00:20:19,025 20% off everything 556 00:20:19,026 --> 00:20:22,562 we sell designed to help you spend time away from home... 557 00:20:22,563 --> 00:20:26,066 Which is pretty much everything we sell here at Outdoor Man. 558 00:20:26,067 --> 00:20:28,068 Because nothing is better for a marriage 559 00:20:28,069 --> 00:20:31,371 than not being around each other all the time. 560 00:20:31,372 --> 00:20:35,075 Ask a man why he goes to work. He'll say, "to earn a living." 561 00:20:35,076 --> 00:20:37,210 But come on... with the internet, these days, 562 00:20:37,211 --> 00:20:40,747 most jobs could be done at home right next to the little lady. 563 00:20:40,748 --> 00:20:42,182 [chuckles] 564 00:20:42,183 --> 00:20:44,618 "What are you working on? Want to get some lunch? 565 00:20:44,619 --> 00:20:45,752 "Since you're here, 566 00:20:45,753 --> 00:20:47,587 "can you fix that thing that isn't really broken 567 00:20:47,588 --> 00:20:50,123 that I just don't know how to use?" 568 00:20:50,124 --> 00:20:53,260 Listen, we all know the guy who worked for 50 years, 569 00:20:53,261 --> 00:20:56,096 retired, came home, and died a few weeks later. 570 00:20:56,097 --> 00:21:00,133 And people say, "He worked himself to death." 571 00:21:00,134 --> 00:21:01,334 I don't know. 572 00:21:01,335 --> 00:21:05,172 He was fine when he was working. 573 00:21:05,173 --> 00:21:08,074 Sounds like the dude came home, and that killed him. 574 00:21:08,075 --> 00:21:09,242 Come on. 575 00:21:09,243 --> 00:21:12,412 The only way to be missed is to be gone sometimes. 576 00:21:12,413 --> 00:21:15,115 We've got explorer-model backpacks on sale now 577 00:21:15,116 --> 00:21:17,384 from 25% to 35% off. 578 00:21:17,385 --> 00:21:21,087 Be sure to be gone long enough that she starts to actually say, 579 00:21:21,088 --> 00:21:25,425 "You know, he doesn't smell that bad." 580 00:21:25,426 --> 00:21:28,261 So, pick up one of these and take a hike 581 00:21:28,262 --> 00:21:31,166 before the wife tells you to. 582 00:21:31,191 --> 00:21:35,691 Sync & corrections by Alice www.addic7ed.com 43439

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