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1
00:00:02,402 --> 00:00:05,470
"Last Man Standing" is recorded
in front of a live studio audience.
2
00:00:05,471 --> 00:00:07,472
I can't believe you left
that guy my number.
3
00:00:07,473 --> 00:00:09,007
You weren't going to.
4
00:00:09,008 --> 00:00:11,209
Because he drives a minivan
with a dent in it.
5
00:00:11,210 --> 00:00:13,912
- You were the one who dented it.
- Wait. W-w-wait. Hold it.
6
00:00:13,913 --> 00:00:15,213
Mandy, you dented a car?
7
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A parked car.
8
00:00:16,349 --> 00:00:19,918
In her defense, she was
swerving to avoid a tree.
9
00:00:19,919 --> 00:00:21,219
And you weren't gonna leave a note?
10
00:00:21,220 --> 00:00:22,387
Oh, what was I supposed to say?
11
00:00:22,388 --> 00:00:24,222
"Uh, sorry that I hit your car.
12
00:00:24,223 --> 00:00:26,057
Uh, here's my number."
13
00:00:26,058 --> 00:00:27,926
- Yes.
- Yes.
14
00:00:27,927 --> 00:00:28,927
Okay, if I had to stop
15
00:00:28,928 --> 00:00:31,062
and leave notes on everything
that I've banged into,
16
00:00:31,063 --> 00:00:33,064
I would never get anywhere.
17
00:00:33,065 --> 00:00:34,933
Come on, Mandy. You know better than that.
18
00:00:34,934 --> 00:00:37,002
W-what's your dad always
going on and on about?
19
00:00:37,003 --> 00:00:39,504
Mm, Obama, Benghazi,
"When are the Yekekians
20
00:00:39,505 --> 00:00:42,040
going to take down their Christmas lights?"
21
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Personal responsibility.
22
00:00:43,509 --> 00:00:44,943
Oh, right.
23
00:00:44,944 --> 00:00:46,912
I think that part kind of
gets lost in all the crazy.
24
00:00:46,913 --> 00:00:48,046
Hey, hey. Hi.
25
00:00:48,047 --> 00:00:49,648
What the heck happened to your car?
26
00:00:49,649 --> 00:00:51,516
[chuckles] You should see the other guy.
[door closes]
27
00:00:51,517 --> 00:00:53,185
That's not a boast you
should make to the guy
28
00:00:53,186 --> 00:00:55,320
paying for your insurance.
29
00:00:55,321 --> 00:00:57,322
She bumped a parked car. But don't worry.
30
00:00:57,323 --> 00:01:00,025
- I did the right thing, and I left a note.
- I left a note.
31
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- Why are you leaving the note?
- Hey, what's the deal
32
00:01:01,394 --> 00:01:02,894
with the Yekekians and their
Christmas lights, though?
33
00:01:02,895 --> 00:01:04,162
[chuckling] Am I right?
34
00:01:04,163 --> 00:01:05,997
Yeah, I was telling her, honey,
35
00:01:05,998 --> 00:01:07,966
owning up to your mistakes
is its own reward.
36
00:01:07,967 --> 00:01:09,634
It's called integrity.
37
00:01:09,635 --> 00:01:11,470
It's something Obama doesn't have
with that Benghazi thing. Okay.
38
00:01:11,471 --> 00:01:12,871
But still... You know... you know what?
39
00:01:12,872 --> 00:01:14,539
When are the Yekekians
gonna take those stupid
40
00:01:14,540 --> 00:01:16,075
- Christmas lights down?
- I don't know.
41
00:01:17,310 --> 00:01:19,010
Why is Eve writing notes for her?
42
00:01:19,011 --> 00:01:21,880
Uh, Mandy wouldn't do it.
I'm so disappointed in her.
43
00:01:21,881 --> 00:01:24,916
Well, at least the good one
knows right from wrong.
44
00:01:24,917 --> 00:01:27,319
Oh. All our girls are equally good.
45
00:01:27,320 --> 00:01:28,653
Oh, yeah. Keep beating that drum.
46
00:01:28,654 --> 00:01:30,322
[doorbell rings]
47
00:01:30,323 --> 00:01:31,890
[sighs]
48
00:01:31,891 --> 00:01:33,058
- Baxter.
- Hey.
49
00:01:33,059 --> 00:01:34,659
Hey, what are you bringing
50
00:01:34,660 --> 00:01:36,561
this mangy critter over here for?
51
00:01:36,562 --> 00:01:38,597
Lady's a purebred German shepherd.
52
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I was talking to Lady.
53
00:01:39,932 --> 00:01:41,967
VANESSA: Oh. Come on.
54
00:01:41,968 --> 00:01:43,969
Seriously, Mike. Come on in, Chuck.
55
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[sighs] Okay.
56
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Well, we can't stay long because...
57
00:01:47,006 --> 00:01:48,541
[sighs] ...I don't want to.
58
00:01:50,109 --> 00:01:52,277
Listen, I went to the breeders today,
59
00:01:52,278 --> 00:01:53,445
and a funny thing...
60
00:01:53,446 --> 00:01:56,114
it turns out Lady is already pregnant.
61
00:01:56,115 --> 00:01:58,250
Now, how do you think
that happened, Baxter?
62
00:01:58,251 --> 00:02:01,921
Well, when, uh... When two
dogs really love each other...
63
00:02:03,189 --> 00:02:05,223
...And they have enough tequila...
64
00:02:05,224 --> 00:02:08,226
[sighs] I never leave her around male dogs.
65
00:02:08,227 --> 00:02:10,929
Then, I remember when Eve volunteered
66
00:02:10,930 --> 00:02:12,397
to watch Lady for the weekend.
67
00:02:12,398 --> 00:02:13,598
Yeah.
68
00:02:13,599 --> 00:02:16,435
There is one dog she might
have had contact with.
69
00:02:20,106 --> 00:02:21,606
Oh. [chuckling] Oh.
70
00:02:21,607 --> 00:02:23,975
Oh, no, no, no, no. No, no, no, no.
71
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Muffin is less a dog than a throw pillow.
72
00:02:26,445 --> 00:02:28,280
Oh.
73
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[chuckling] And, number
two, Muffin is a girl.
74
00:02:31,617 --> 00:02:33,118
Uh, honey, you're... you're kidding, right?
75
00:02:33,119 --> 00:02:34,220
Muffin's a male.
76
00:02:37,890 --> 00:02:39,524
S-s-since when?
77
00:02:39,525 --> 00:02:41,026
Well...
78
00:02:41,027 --> 00:02:43,962
you never checked your dog's
undercarriage, Baxter?
79
00:02:43,963 --> 00:02:46,298
We don't have that kind of relationship.
80
00:02:46,299 --> 00:02:49,100
Come here. Come here. Come
here just for a second.
81
00:02:49,101 --> 00:02:50,435
Let me see you. [sighs]
82
00:02:50,436 --> 00:02:52,437
It's mostly fluff down there.
83
00:02:52,438 --> 00:02:55,106
Kind of like an early Penthouse Magazine.
84
00:02:55,107 --> 00:02:56,608
Yeah, well, look close.
85
00:02:56,609 --> 00:03:00,046
They're a lot tinier on the white ones.
86
00:03:01,881 --> 00:03:04,015
I'll be damned.
87
00:03:04,016 --> 00:03:06,885
Oh. Well, kind of makes
me a little uncomfortable
88
00:03:06,886 --> 00:03:09,254
with all the naps we've taken together.
89
00:03:09,255 --> 00:03:11,991
I feel weird that you
feel weird about that.
90
00:03:13,059 --> 00:03:15,260
How is that dog not fixed, Baxter?
91
00:03:15,261 --> 00:03:18,064
Has Sarah McLachlan taught
you people nothing?
92
00:03:19,131 --> 00:03:20,966
Wait... the... hold...
let's get this straight.
93
00:03:20,967 --> 00:03:22,267
You brought a dog in heat
94
00:03:22,268 --> 00:03:24,269
into a home with a well-known player.
95
00:03:24,270 --> 00:03:25,538
Give me five.
96
00:03:27,106 --> 00:03:28,974
I only allow Lady to breed
97
00:03:28,975 --> 00:03:31,242
with other purebred German shepherds.
98
00:03:31,243 --> 00:03:33,979
Well, maybe you should teach
Lady how to say, "Nein!"
99
00:03:33,980 --> 00:03:38,550
I get like $500 or $600
apiece for Lady's pups.
100
00:03:38,551 --> 00:03:41,920
Sweet. What's our cut of that?
101
00:03:41,921 --> 00:03:45,223
Nobody is gonna want whatever
weird monster babies
102
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come out of her now!
103
00:03:47,226 --> 00:03:51,896
Half German shepherd, half... dust bunny!
104
00:03:51,897 --> 00:03:54,099
W-what are you planning on
doing about this, Baxter?
105
00:03:54,100 --> 00:03:55,266
Are you absolutely sure
106
00:03:55,267 --> 00:03:56,935
she hasn't been with any other dogs?
107
00:03:56,936 --> 00:04:00,572
What are you suggesting?
108
00:04:00,573 --> 00:04:03,109
That Lady... is a tramp.
109
00:04:04,977 --> 00:04:07,545
Walk around the neighborhood
in a fur coat with no pants...
110
00:04:07,546 --> 00:04:09,280
What did you expect was gonna happen?
111
00:04:09,281 --> 00:04:12,951
What do you want, Baxter, a paternity test?
112
00:04:12,952 --> 00:04:14,219
That's a good idea.
113
00:04:14,220 --> 00:04:16,354
Maybe later on, Muffin
and I stop by your house
114
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and drop a DNA sample on your front lawn.
115
00:04:20,473 --> 00:04:24,973
Sync & corrections by Alice
www.addic7ed.com
116
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I'm just having trouble
117
00:04:28,367 --> 00:04:31,136
picturing how this was possible
between Muffin and Lady.
118
00:04:31,137 --> 00:04:33,972
Well, Muffin's a resourceful
little guy, you know?
119
00:04:33,973 --> 00:04:36,441
Maybe he got up on the picnic table.
120
00:04:36,442 --> 00:04:39,444
Which I will no longer be eating off of.
121
00:04:39,445 --> 00:04:43,048
And maybe they, uh, did it "people style."
122
00:04:43,049 --> 00:04:45,050
you know what, honey?
123
00:04:45,051 --> 00:04:46,885
We got to make this right
with the Larabees.
124
00:04:46,886 --> 00:04:48,920
Carol is my closest friend
in the neighborhood.
125
00:04:48,921 --> 00:04:51,656
This is on Lady for not being careful.
126
00:04:51,657 --> 00:04:52,991
Because, when it comes to birth control,
127
00:04:52,992 --> 00:04:55,126
the female bears total responsibility.
128
00:04:55,127 --> 00:04:57,207
Well, if she doesn't want
to bear puppies, she does.
129
00:04:57,930 --> 00:05:00,131
Oh, my God. Bear puppies are so cute.
130
00:05:00,132 --> 00:05:01,366
[laughs]
131
00:05:01,367 --> 00:05:03,501
Muffin is gonna make such a great dad.
Aren't you?
132
00:05:03,502 --> 00:05:05,170
"Hey! You kids knock it off back there,
133
00:05:05,171 --> 00:05:07,338
"or I'm gonna turn this car right around!
134
00:05:07,339 --> 00:05:08,506
Stop!"
135
00:05:08,507 --> 00:05:11,376
Uh, so, what's gonna
happen with the puppies?
136
00:05:11,377 --> 00:05:12,911
Uh, what puppies?
137
00:05:12,912 --> 00:05:16,147
Oh, uh, Muffin knocked up the
Larabees' German shepherd.
138
00:05:16,148 --> 00:05:19,051
[sighs] And, look, didn't skip town.
139
00:05:19,919 --> 00:05:21,920
Boyd, it's time for dinner, sweetie.
140
00:05:21,921 --> 00:05:25,190
So, Muffin impregnated a
dog four times his size?
141
00:05:25,191 --> 00:05:28,060
Tom Cruise knocked up Katie Holmes.
142
00:05:29,361 --> 00:05:32,063
Anything is possible. [chuckles]
143
00:05:32,064 --> 00:05:33,565
I didn't even know Muffin was a male.
144
00:05:33,566 --> 00:05:37,368
See? He fools everybody with
that squat-and-pee thing.
145
00:05:37,369 --> 00:05:38,903
Well... First thing's first...
146
00:05:38,904 --> 00:05:40,472
we really should get him neutered.
147
00:05:40,473 --> 00:05:42,307
Take his nuts off? Oh, honey.
148
00:05:42,308 --> 00:05:44,976
After what those little
nuggets accomplished?
149
00:05:44,977 --> 00:05:47,645
Hey. Nobody answered me. What's
gonna happen with the puppies?
150
00:05:47,646 --> 00:05:49,914
Well [sighs] the Larabees will probably try
151
00:05:49,915 --> 00:05:51,182
to find them good homes.
152
00:05:51,183 --> 00:05:52,417
Which will be tricky
153
00:05:52,418 --> 00:05:54,385
'cause nobody really wants
a Maltese shepherd.
154
00:05:54,386 --> 00:05:55,420
A Germ-tese.
155
00:05:55,421 --> 00:05:57,255
Mal... Mall-turd? [chuckles]
156
00:05:57,256 --> 00:05:59,257
Okay, so, if they can't find homes...
157
00:05:59,258 --> 00:06:01,025
Well, if they can't find homes,
158
00:06:01,026 --> 00:06:02,527
then they'll end up at the pound,
159
00:06:02,528 --> 00:06:04,262
and they'll probably be just destr...
160
00:06:04,263 --> 00:06:06,264
H-hey. hi. hey.
161
00:06:06,265 --> 00:06:07,432
Uh, did, uh...
162
00:06:07,433 --> 00:06:08,600
maybe you should wash your hands, honey.
163
00:06:08,601 --> 00:06:10,101
- Yeah.
- I already washed them.
164
00:06:10,102 --> 00:06:11,436
Did those fingers end up
in your nose since then?
165
00:06:11,437 --> 00:06:14,439
- Only these two.
- Aah.
166
00:06:14,440 --> 00:06:16,608
Go, go, go. Wash them again. Let's go.
167
00:06:16,609 --> 00:06:17,609
[sighs]
168
00:06:17,610 --> 00:06:18,977
There's very little chance
169
00:06:18,978 --> 00:06:20,445
those puppies will end up in the pound.
170
00:06:20,446 --> 00:06:21,513
Oh. That's a relief.
171
00:06:21,514 --> 00:06:23,615
He's just gonna terminate the pregnancy.
172
00:06:23,616 --> 00:06:25,316
- Oh, Dad, what?
- Oh, Mike. Come on.
173
00:06:25,317 --> 00:06:27,018
Well, that's what happens...
they'll get rid of the babies
174
00:06:27,019 --> 00:06:28,486
so she can go through
another breeding cycle.
175
00:06:28,487 --> 00:06:29,621
That's just what happens, guys.
176
00:06:29,622 --> 00:06:30,889
Well, we can't let him do that.
177
00:06:30,890 --> 00:06:32,323
Dad, we have to save them.
178
00:06:32,324 --> 00:06:34,993
Don't we have any rights?
Muffin is the father.
179
00:06:34,994 --> 00:06:37,162
Wait a minute, are you saying
someone other than the mother
180
00:06:37,163 --> 00:06:39,430
has rights during the pregnancy?
181
00:06:39,431 --> 00:06:43,134
"One of my puppies could
grow up to cure cancer!"
182
00:06:43,135 --> 00:06:44,269
I am just saying
183
00:06:44,270 --> 00:06:46,604
that you and Chuck should
work something out.
184
00:06:46,605 --> 00:06:48,006
No, no. No, no.
185
00:06:48,007 --> 00:06:50,408
This is a choice between
Lady and her physician.
186
00:06:50,409 --> 00:06:52,977
Maybe she's not ready to have children.
187
00:06:52,978 --> 00:06:54,179
Maybe this is an inconvenient time.
188
00:06:54,180 --> 00:06:56,047
Maybe she wants to go back to
obedience school, you know?
189
00:06:56,048 --> 00:06:58,016
Whatever.
190
00:06:58,017 --> 00:06:59,918
The father has no rights
when it comes to pregnancy.
191
00:06:59,919 --> 00:07:02,487
Yeah, but he has plenty to
say before the pregnancy.
192
00:07:02,488 --> 00:07:04,322
By using birth control or self-control...
193
00:07:04,323 --> 00:07:07,192
- two things guys kind of stink at.
- Amen.
194
00:07:07,193 --> 00:07:08,927
It sounds like someone's trying
195
00:07:08,928 --> 00:07:10,995
to ditch out on their
responsibilities, Mike.
196
00:07:10,996 --> 00:07:13,131
I didn't get the dog pregnant.
197
00:07:13,132 --> 00:07:16,301
I didn't even know Muffin
had the equipment.
198
00:07:16,302 --> 00:07:18,269
All right. Let's pray. We eat.
199
00:07:18,270 --> 00:07:19,304
[cellphone rings] Sorry.
200
00:07:19,305 --> 00:07:20,939
Please, put the phones down.
201
00:07:20,940 --> 00:07:23,208
[inhale sharply] Oh, no.
It's an unknown number.
202
00:07:23,209 --> 00:07:24,876
Oh, I bet it's that car you bumped.
203
00:07:24,877 --> 00:07:27,345
Mandy, answer it.
You can't run away from it.
204
00:07:27,346 --> 00:07:30,014
Hi. This is Mandy Baxter.
205
00:07:30,015 --> 00:07:31,149
Hey, hey, hey.
206
00:07:31,150 --> 00:07:33,318
See if he wants a monster puppy as payment.
207
00:07:33,319 --> 00:07:34,987
Stop.
208
00:07:42,228 --> 00:07:44,563
[doorbell rings]
209
00:07:48,300 --> 00:07:50,335
Oh. Hey, Carol. Is Chuck around?
210
00:07:50,336 --> 00:07:52,170
Sorry, Mike. He's not here.
211
00:07:52,171 --> 00:07:54,005
Oh, okay, would you tell
him that Vanessa and I
212
00:07:54,006 --> 00:07:58,610
figured it probably was Muffin
that got his freak on with Lady?
213
00:07:58,611 --> 00:08:00,245
Oh, well, Lady is a big girl,
214
00:08:00,246 --> 00:08:03,047
and by that I mean she
probably didn't notice.
215
00:08:03,048 --> 00:08:06,017
Um, well, w-whatever the costs,
216
00:08:06,018 --> 00:08:07,919
- w-we'll share them with you.
- Okay.
217
00:08:07,920 --> 00:08:10,388
'Cause it's... you know, it's
It's the right thing to do.
218
00:08:10,389 --> 00:08:12,457
- Fine.
- You're welcome.
219
00:08:12,458 --> 00:08:13,591
I didn't say "Thank you."
220
00:08:13,592 --> 00:08:17,562
I know you didn't, but... you're welcome.
221
00:08:17,563 --> 00:08:18,930
Listen. [chuckles]
222
00:08:18,931 --> 00:08:20,231
I'll tell Chuck. I promise.
223
00:08:20,232 --> 00:08:22,533
But I'm not quite sure when
I'm gonna see him again.
224
00:08:22,534 --> 00:08:24,068
Ah, don't worry. I'm sure he'll come back.
225
00:08:24,069 --> 00:08:25,370
Don't let the statistics scare you.
226
00:08:25,371 --> 00:08:26,538
[chuckles]
227
00:08:28,007 --> 00:08:32,210
That's... that's a kind
of joke Chuck enjoys.
228
00:08:32,211 --> 00:08:34,879
Mm. He really doesn't.
229
00:08:34,880 --> 00:08:37,282
But he's not here. He moved out.
230
00:08:37,283 --> 00:08:39,050
Out?
231
00:08:39,051 --> 00:08:41,085
Out... almost a week ago.
232
00:08:41,086 --> 00:08:42,954
I'm sorry to hear that. I really am.
233
00:08:42,955 --> 00:08:44,289
So, um, if you don't mind me asking,
234
00:08:44,290 --> 00:08:45,623
where... where did he move to?
235
00:08:45,624 --> 00:08:47,625
He's staying temporarily
over at the Pinewood,
236
00:08:47,626 --> 00:08:50,061
those furnished apartments
you can rent by the week.
237
00:08:50,062 --> 00:08:51,062
Ri... [laughs]
238
00:08:51,063 --> 00:08:52,196
It's funny 'cause a lot of guys
239
00:08:52,197 --> 00:08:55,233
rent those by the by the hour 'cause the...
240
00:08:55,234 --> 00:08:58,369
I don't... I'm s... I don't
...I don't... I don't...
241
00:08:58,370 --> 00:09:00,339
I don't think Chuck did
it that way, though.
242
00:09:09,645 --> 00:09:11,313
- Hey.
- Hi.
243
00:09:11,414 --> 00:09:13,249
So... how pissed was the guy about his car.
244
00:09:13,850 --> 00:09:15,283
Did he yell? Did he slap you?
245
00:09:15,284 --> 00:09:16,752
You know what?
246
00:09:16,753 --> 00:09:19,354
He was actually really
impressed that I left a note.
247
00:09:19,355 --> 00:09:21,123
But I left the note.
248
00:09:21,124 --> 00:09:23,125
Yeah, it turns out that he
owns that electronics store
249
00:09:23,126 --> 00:09:24,660
where we parked,
250
00:09:24,661 --> 00:09:28,163
and he said that my honesty
restored his faith in humanity.
251
00:09:28,164 --> 00:09:31,199
And then he gathered all
of his employees around.
252
00:09:31,200 --> 00:09:33,869
And... they slapped you?
253
00:09:33,870 --> 00:09:35,203
They applauded me.
254
00:09:35,204 --> 00:09:36,338
And then...
255
00:09:36,339 --> 00:09:38,006
He gave me an iPad!
256
00:09:38,007 --> 00:09:40,642
What? Yeah!
257
00:09:40,643 --> 00:09:42,277
Yeah, he said I should be
rewarded for my integrity.
258
00:09:42,278 --> 00:09:45,580
Mm-hmm. But it's my
integrity, so it's my iPad.
259
00:09:45,581 --> 00:09:47,215
Ooh, Eve, Eve, Eve. No.
260
00:09:47,216 --> 00:09:48,316
Just try being a better person.
261
00:09:48,317 --> 00:09:49,786
Good things will happen to you, too.
262
00:09:51,187 --> 00:09:52,721
[sighs]
263
00:09:52,722 --> 00:09:53,922
Hey, honey? Yeah?
264
00:09:53,923 --> 00:09:55,691
Good night, girls. Good night.
BOTH: Good night.
265
00:09:55,692 --> 00:09:57,325
You ready for bed? As a
matter of fact, I am.
266
00:09:57,326 --> 00:09:59,194
But you know what? I'm gonna
get some cereal. I'll be up.
267
00:09:59,195 --> 00:10:01,329
Okay. Oh, hey. You know what?
268
00:10:01,330 --> 00:10:03,265
You never told me how
things went with Chuck.
269
00:10:03,266 --> 00:10:05,000
Are you two, uh, all back to normal?
270
00:10:05,001 --> 00:10:06,101
In that we still dislike each other?
271
00:10:06,102 --> 00:10:07,636
That's never gonna change.
272
00:10:07,637 --> 00:10:08,770
He actually wasn't there.
273
00:10:08,771 --> 00:10:10,305
But, uh, Carol gave me his new address.
274
00:10:10,306 --> 00:10:11,973
New address? What new address?
275
00:10:11,974 --> 00:10:13,842
Are the Larabees moving?
276
00:10:13,843 --> 00:10:15,210
Just Chuck.
277
00:10:15,211 --> 00:10:16,745
What?
278
00:10:16,746 --> 00:10:19,114
Hey, are you telling me
that Chuck left Carol?
279
00:10:19,115 --> 00:10:20,882
I don't know. We... we didn't get into it.
280
00:10:20,883 --> 00:10:23,919
[gasps] I... [sighs] I'm shocked.
281
00:10:23,920 --> 00:10:25,120
You know, I'm not really shocked.
282
00:10:25,121 --> 00:10:26,188
I think she woke up one day
283
00:10:26,189 --> 00:10:29,691
and went, "Damn, I'm married to Chuck?"
284
00:10:29,692 --> 00:10:32,360
Either way, honey, this is
none of our business, okay?
285
00:10:32,361 --> 00:10:35,030
No. No. I just... I can't
believe she didn't tell me.
286
00:10:35,031 --> 00:10:37,165
I-I just saw her yesterday,
and she never let on.
287
00:10:37,166 --> 00:10:40,303
I guess it's true... Black don't crack.
288
00:10:42,071 --> 00:10:45,207
That's not what that means.
289
00:10:45,208 --> 00:10:46,341
I asked her if she was okay,
290
00:10:46,342 --> 00:10:48,210
and she had the nerve to say "Fine."
291
00:10:48,211 --> 00:10:49,344
But she is fine. No, she
lied right to my face.
292
00:10:49,345 --> 00:10:50,579
No, she is fine. No.
293
00:10:50,580 --> 00:10:51,613
She said "Fine" to me, too.
294
00:10:51,614 --> 00:10:53,115
You know that feeling that washes over you
295
00:10:53,116 --> 00:10:54,437
every time Chuck leaves the room?
296
00:10:56,219 --> 00:10:57,252
Where are you going?
297
00:10:57,253 --> 00:10:59,254
I'm going to see my dear
friend Carol Larabee.
298
00:10:59,255 --> 00:11:00,322
You know what time it is?
299
00:11:00,323 --> 00:11:02,758
No, I just want to make sure she's okay
300
00:11:02,759 --> 00:11:05,193
and that she knows that I
am always there for her.
301
00:11:05,194 --> 00:11:07,896
Don't go over there now!
There's no reason to...
302
00:11:07,897 --> 00:11:09,298
See if she's got milk.
303
00:11:11,567 --> 00:11:13,168
And, hey, watch your step.
304
00:11:13,169 --> 00:11:15,103
I made good on that DNA promise, too.
305
00:11:15,104 --> 00:11:17,640
[sighs]
306
00:11:20,209 --> 00:11:22,678
[doorbell rings]
307
00:11:25,314 --> 00:11:26,648
Vanessa?
308
00:11:26,649 --> 00:11:28,116
Oh, Carol, honey, Mike told me about Chuck.
309
00:11:28,117 --> 00:11:29,918
You... you must be devastated.
310
00:11:29,919 --> 00:11:31,119
You know, I'm actually
a very private person
311
00:11:31,120 --> 00:11:32,687
when it comes to things like this.
312
00:11:32,688 --> 00:11:34,122
- Right. Mm-hmm.
- I'm hoping you'll understand that.
313
00:11:34,123 --> 00:11:35,957
- But we're friends.
- I didn't think you would.
314
00:11:35,958 --> 00:11:38,093
Come on in.
315
00:11:38,094 --> 00:11:39,294
I know, sweetie. I-I-I hate to intrude.
316
00:11:39,295 --> 00:11:41,797
But how... how are you holding up?
317
00:11:41,798 --> 00:11:43,265
This is probably the
worst of it right here.
318
00:11:43,266 --> 00:11:44,566
Yeah.
319
00:11:44,567 --> 00:11:45,801
Yeah, listen, Carol,
320
00:11:45,802 --> 00:11:47,068
you don't have to pretend
to be strong for me.
321
00:11:47,069 --> 00:11:49,070
If there's one thing I've
learned as a military wife,
322
00:11:49,071 --> 00:11:50,906
it's how to get along without my husband.
323
00:11:50,907 --> 00:11:52,340
Mm. Yeah. And, with all that moving around,
324
00:11:52,341 --> 00:11:53,909
not to get too close to the neighbors.
325
00:11:53,910 --> 00:11:54,910
So...
326
00:11:54,911 --> 00:11:57,579
Well, wait, listen.
327
00:11:57,580 --> 00:12:00,115
Carol, I mean, w-when did Chuck leave home?
328
00:12:00,116 --> 00:12:02,184
A week ago. What?
329
00:12:02,185 --> 00:12:04,252
A-a week ago? But... but I
just saw you yesterday.
330
00:12:04,253 --> 00:12:06,888
We went to a movie. Why...
why didn't you tell me then?
331
00:12:06,889 --> 00:12:08,089
I don't talk in movie theaters.
332
00:12:08,090 --> 00:12:09,157
- I...
- Most of us don't.
333
00:12:09,158 --> 00:12:10,859
- I know, but...
- Tell your friends.
334
00:12:10,860 --> 00:12:11,893
[sighs]
335
00:12:11,894 --> 00:12:13,061
Although, I did agree with that woman
336
00:12:13,062 --> 00:12:14,596
who yelled, "Watch out, gravity!
337
00:12:14,597 --> 00:12:17,899
Don't let go of that spaceship!"
338
00:12:17,900 --> 00:12:19,034
I'm sorry.
339
00:12:19,035 --> 00:12:21,203
I thought we were... were closer than that.
340
00:12:21,204 --> 00:12:23,038
Well, if you had asked me about
Chuck, I would have told you.
341
00:12:23,039 --> 00:12:24,206
Well... "Asked you?"
342
00:12:24,207 --> 00:12:26,241
Well, Carol, I-I-I can't ask
you about every little thing.
343
00:12:26,242 --> 00:12:28,076
I mean, I-I can't ask you
every time I see you
344
00:12:28,077 --> 00:12:29,578
if you have some terrible disease.
345
00:12:29,579 --> 00:12:30,812
[gasps]
346
00:12:30,813 --> 00:12:32,314
Please tell me you don't
have a terrible disease!
347
00:12:32,315 --> 00:12:33,715
Please. [laughs]
348
00:12:33,716 --> 00:12:35,884
If I did, would you stop yelling at me?
349
00:12:35,885 --> 00:12:37,619
Oh, I am so sorry. I'm so sorry.
350
00:12:37,620 --> 00:12:39,087
I'm sorry, too. Aw.
351
00:12:39,088 --> 00:12:41,156
I mean, I didn't know Chuck
and me having a big fight
352
00:12:41,157 --> 00:12:43,325
- would cause you this much pain.
- No, it's just... No.
353
00:12:43,326 --> 00:12:45,861
Oh. [voice breaking] I just...
354
00:12:45,862 --> 00:12:48,330
Oh, I want to be there for you, Carol.
355
00:12:48,331 --> 00:12:52,331
And I just... I don't know.
I want you to want me, too.
356
00:12:53,069 --> 00:12:55,136
Oh, come on, honey.
357
00:12:55,137 --> 00:12:56,805
[sobbing] There, there.
358
00:12:56,806 --> 00:12:59,242
- Oh, you gonna get over this, girl.
- Ohh.
359
00:13:10,234 --> 00:13:13,603
- Oh, there she is, my good
Samaritan, Mandy. - Hi.
360
00:13:13,604 --> 00:13:14,671
[both laugh]
361
00:13:14,672 --> 00:13:15,972
Don't tell me... you dented my car again.
362
00:13:15,973 --> 00:13:17,307
[laughs]
363
00:13:17,308 --> 00:13:18,908
But, of course, you would tell me
364
00:13:18,909 --> 00:13:20,210
because you're such an honest person.
365
00:13:20,211 --> 00:13:22,579
Aww. Yeah, no. I was
really careful this time.
366
00:13:22,580 --> 00:13:24,581
I just parked in the handicapped spot.
367
00:13:24,582 --> 00:13:26,549
Okay.
368
00:13:26,550 --> 00:13:28,551
So, are you enjoying your iPad?
369
00:13:28,552 --> 00:13:29,652
[inhales sharply]
370
00:13:29,653 --> 00:13:32,255
Well... I kind of thought
that it'd have, like,
371
00:13:32,256 --> 00:13:34,591
more gigs and maybe the retina display,
372
00:13:34,592 --> 00:13:37,160
so I was hoping that I could
just return it for cash.
373
00:13:37,161 --> 00:13:39,729
- Let me get this straight.
- Yeah.
374
00:13:39,730 --> 00:13:40,864
- You dent my car.
- Mm-hmm.
375
00:13:40,865 --> 00:13:42,532
And I reward you for your honesty
376
00:13:42,533 --> 00:13:43,900
by giving you a beautiful gift.
377
00:13:43,901 --> 00:13:46,002
Yes, it was beautiful...
378
00:13:46,003 --> 00:13:48,872
but also sort of, like, the base model.
379
00:13:48,873 --> 00:13:50,874
And now you want to return it to me
380
00:13:50,875 --> 00:13:52,542
and expect me to give you cash?
381
00:13:52,543 --> 00:13:54,677
Mm-hmm. That would be great. Thank you.
382
00:13:54,678 --> 00:13:55,879
How dare you?!
383
00:13:55,880 --> 00:13:59,549
Okay, um... Store credit is totally fine.
384
00:13:59,550 --> 00:14:01,784
Although, like, I'm not
really seeing anything
385
00:14:01,785 --> 00:14:03,620
that I love, but...
386
00:14:03,621 --> 00:14:05,521
You ungrateful criminal.
387
00:14:05,522 --> 00:14:06,656
What?
388
00:14:06,657 --> 00:14:08,091
Everyone, gather 'round.
You remember Mandy.
389
00:14:08,092 --> 00:14:09,259
[applause]
390
00:14:09,260 --> 00:14:11,628
No clapping!
391
00:14:11,629 --> 00:14:13,029
She is no longer our friend.
392
00:14:13,030 --> 00:14:15,632
She is here today throwing
my gift in my face
393
00:14:15,633 --> 00:14:17,834
and breaking my heart.
394
00:14:17,835 --> 00:14:18,835
Give me that. No.
395
00:14:18,836 --> 00:14:21,037
No gift for you.
396
00:14:21,038 --> 00:14:24,040
Ha. Joke's on you because I
didn't even leave that note.
397
00:14:24,041 --> 00:14:25,575
My sister did.
398
00:14:25,576 --> 00:14:26,709
Oh, well, ha.
399
00:14:26,710 --> 00:14:28,711
Joke's back on you because I'm gonna call
400
00:14:28,712 --> 00:14:30,213
your insurance company for that dent.
401
00:14:30,214 --> 00:14:31,581
Oh, ha ha!
402
00:14:31,582 --> 00:14:33,049
Joke's back on you because that bill
403
00:14:33,050 --> 00:14:34,584
goes straight to my dad.
404
00:14:34,585 --> 00:14:35,985
Well, ha.
405
00:14:35,986 --> 00:14:38,187
The joke's on you because
you're being towed right now.
406
00:14:40,724 --> 00:14:43,560
So much for your no-hassle return policy.
407
00:14:47,097 --> 00:14:49,632
Doc, I'll bring him over right now.
408
00:14:49,633 --> 00:14:50,900
Yeah, yeah. Thanks.
409
00:14:50,901 --> 00:14:53,036
[sighs]
410
00:14:53,037 --> 00:14:54,837
Listen, I'm sorry it's
come to this, Muffin.
411
00:14:54,838 --> 00:14:56,798
I'll give you a few minutes
to kiss them goodbye.
412
00:14:58,008 --> 00:14:59,976
- I'm gonna head out.
- Mm.
413
00:14:59,977 --> 00:15:01,210
You going to the vet?
414
00:15:01,211 --> 00:15:03,046
I can't get this operation off my mind.
415
00:15:03,047 --> 00:15:06,649
Today, at Starbucks, I ordered
a muffin without nuts.
416
00:15:06,650 --> 00:15:08,551
Honey, he'll sleep, and when he wakes up,
417
00:15:08,552 --> 00:15:09,919
he won't even know what happened.
418
00:15:09,920 --> 00:15:11,888
He's a guy. He'll know what happened.
419
00:15:11,889 --> 00:15:14,223
If it happened to me,
I'd know what happened.
420
00:15:14,224 --> 00:15:16,225
If it happened to you,
you'd have to figure out
421
00:15:16,226 --> 00:15:17,994
something else to do while you watch TV.
422
00:15:17,995 --> 00:15:20,530
Listen. [sighs]
423
00:15:20,531 --> 00:15:23,700
- Can we please talk about the Larabees?
- This is none of our business.
424
00:15:23,701 --> 00:15:24,968
I tried to get Carol to
open up about it, but...
425
00:15:24,969 --> 00:15:26,936
Because it's none of our business.
426
00:15:26,937 --> 00:15:28,905
Chuck's retirement is the problem.
427
00:15:28,906 --> 00:15:31,240
See, he's around all the
time with nothing to do,
428
00:15:31,241 --> 00:15:33,142
and he pretends it doesn't affect him,
429
00:15:33,143 --> 00:15:35,311
but the guy feels like
he's lost his purpose.
430
00:15:35,312 --> 00:15:36,946
You said you couldn't get her to open up.
431
00:15:36,947 --> 00:15:38,915
Well... I don't know this much about Jesus,
432
00:15:38,916 --> 00:15:40,583
and I read the whole book.
433
00:15:40,584 --> 00:15:43,086
Well... I had to fill
in a lot of the blanks.
434
00:15:43,087 --> 00:15:44,887
Look, I know Carol well enough to know
435
00:15:44,888 --> 00:15:46,289
that her pushing me away, it's really...
436
00:15:46,290 --> 00:15:47,757
really a plea for help.
437
00:15:47,758 --> 00:15:50,793
Or a plea for you to go away!
438
00:15:50,794 --> 00:15:51,928
Well, you'll talk to him,
439
00:15:51,929 --> 00:15:53,997
and you'll get Chuck's side of the story.
440
00:15:53,998 --> 00:15:54,964
I don't want Chuck's side of the story!
441
00:15:54,965 --> 00:15:56,065
Why am I involved in this?
442
00:15:56,066 --> 00:15:57,066
Look, the guy is lost.
443
00:15:57,067 --> 00:15:58,601
He's over there breeding dogs
444
00:15:58,602 --> 00:16:01,204
because Carol talked him
out of getting chickens.
445
00:16:01,205 --> 00:16:02,638
Listen, you know the won...
446
00:16:02,639 --> 00:16:03,973
wonderful thing about
other people's problems?
447
00:16:03,974 --> 00:16:05,675
They're other people's problems.
448
00:16:05,676 --> 00:16:06,876
Well, you know what?
449
00:16:06,877 --> 00:16:07,877
Do what you want, but the
guy deserves our help.
450
00:16:07,878 --> 00:16:10,213
He's a neighbor, he's a
friend, and he's a vet.
451
00:16:10,214 --> 00:16:11,881
Well, he's not the kind of vet that
could help me out with Muffin.
452
00:16:11,882 --> 00:16:12,950
I'll tell you that.
453
00:16:14,852 --> 00:16:16,953
Oh, come on.
454
00:16:16,954 --> 00:16:18,988
You're gonna have to figure
out something else to do
455
00:16:18,989 --> 00:16:20,657
when you watch TV.
456
00:16:24,995 --> 00:16:27,697
Okay, Lady.
457
00:16:27,698 --> 00:16:30,033
Now, I ran out of brown,
458
00:16:30,034 --> 00:16:33,970
so I'm gonna have to paint your eyes green!
459
00:16:33,971 --> 00:16:35,238
[knock on door]
460
00:16:35,239 --> 00:16:38,241
Okay, well, you just stay there.
I'll get it.
461
00:16:38,242 --> 00:16:42,245
If it's an intruder, I'll bite him.
462
00:16:42,246 --> 00:16:43,579
[sighs]
463
00:16:43,580 --> 00:16:45,214
- Come here.
- Bax... Baxter?
464
00:16:45,215 --> 00:16:46,749
Hold on a second. Come here!
465
00:16:46,750 --> 00:16:49,852
Come here, you little horn dog!
That's a cat, damn it.
466
00:16:49,853 --> 00:16:52,021
Oh. Geez.
467
00:16:52,022 --> 00:16:53,956
Did you bring him around here to gloat?
468
00:16:53,957 --> 00:16:55,825
No, no. On my way to get him fixed.
469
00:16:55,826 --> 00:16:57,627
I figured, maybe for old time's sakes,
470
00:16:57,628 --> 00:16:58,828
that Lady would toss him one.
471
00:16:58,829 --> 00:17:01,898
[groans] We're not interested.
472
00:17:01,899 --> 00:17:03,232
[door closes] [Lady whines]
473
00:17:03,233 --> 00:17:05,101
I said we're not interested.
474
00:17:05,102 --> 00:17:06,669
Actually, the reason I stopped by...
475
00:17:06,670 --> 00:17:08,037
I don't know what Carol told you,
476
00:17:08,038 --> 00:17:10,206
but I'm willing to take
responsibility for those puppies.
477
00:17:10,207 --> 00:17:11,874
Oh.
478
00:17:11,875 --> 00:17:15,875
I haven't spoken to Carol, but, uh...
but thanks.
479
00:17:17,214 --> 00:17:20,716
And, uh... Oh, when you...
when you spoke to Carol,
480
00:17:20,717 --> 00:17:24,987
did, uh... did she, uh
Did she seem okay?
481
00:17:24,988 --> 00:17:26,722
Yeah, I guess. I didn't talk to her much.
482
00:17:26,723 --> 00:17:28,558
I talked to her boyfriend.
Man, he can cook.
483
00:17:28,559 --> 00:17:30,860
I don't know what he was making.
484
00:17:30,861 --> 00:17:32,095
Painting the den there.
485
00:17:32,096 --> 00:17:34,630
Putting his furniture in it.
[laughs] Oh, Baxter.
486
00:17:34,631 --> 00:17:36,099
I'd really hoped Carol
487
00:17:36,100 --> 00:17:39,802
would get custody of you in the breakup.
488
00:17:39,803 --> 00:17:43,239
You know, I... Enh-enh!
489
00:17:43,240 --> 00:17:46,742
Oh, that... Man, that's something, huh?
490
00:17:46,743 --> 00:17:47,877
[sighs]
491
00:17:47,878 --> 00:17:49,946
Which one of you painted this?
492
00:17:49,947 --> 00:17:52,081
It's... it's a new hobby.
493
00:17:52,082 --> 00:17:54,050
I'm not... not really good at hobbies.
[sighs]
494
00:17:54,051 --> 00:17:55,886
Not really good at painting, either.
495
00:17:57,187 --> 00:18:00,056
Chuck... What are you doing here?
496
00:18:00,057 --> 00:18:02,959
I'm trying to enjoy my retirement.
497
00:18:02,960 --> 00:18:05,128
But my wife thinks I
need to be doing stuff.
498
00:18:05,129 --> 00:18:06,996
I-I don't want to... I don't want to
499
00:18:06,997 --> 00:18:09,565
clean rain gutters or... or build shelves
500
00:18:09,566 --> 00:18:11,901
or plant her a little patch of oregano.
501
00:18:11,902 --> 00:18:14,137
I do not like oregano!
502
00:18:14,138 --> 00:18:15,805
If you garden like you paint,
503
00:18:15,806 --> 00:18:17,306
you won't have to worry about that.
504
00:18:17,307 --> 00:18:20,910
The woman won't accept that
I just like to do nothing.
505
00:18:20,911 --> 00:18:21,911
It's understandable.
506
00:18:21,912 --> 00:18:23,212
I mean, you are in your late 40s.
507
00:18:23,213 --> 00:18:25,748
That's generally the time
that men just sit back
508
00:18:25,749 --> 00:18:27,183
and wait to die.
509
00:18:27,184 --> 00:18:30,553
Sometimes, death can
just spring up on a man,
510
00:18:30,554 --> 00:18:32,955
like when he's bothering a Marine.
511
00:18:32,956 --> 00:18:35,291
Listen, I get it.
512
00:18:35,292 --> 00:18:36,993
I get what it's like coming home.
513
00:18:36,994 --> 00:18:38,928
I was on the road for eight
years of my marriage
514
00:18:38,929 --> 00:18:40,730
shooting pictures for Outdoor Man.
515
00:18:40,731 --> 00:18:42,565
Well, unless those pictures
were shooting back,
516
00:18:42,566 --> 00:18:44,667
it's not really the same thing.
517
00:18:44,668 --> 00:18:46,068
I'm talking about when I got him,
518
00:18:46,069 --> 00:18:49,071
my wife had all sorts of ideas
how I should spend my time.
519
00:18:49,072 --> 00:18:50,273
[sighs]
520
00:18:50,274 --> 00:18:52,808
Didn't like it, but, I mean,
I didn't just bail out.
521
00:18:52,809 --> 00:18:55,011
[sighs] What do you want me to say, Baxter?
522
00:18:55,012 --> 00:18:56,979
That all I've ever done
is serve my country,
523
00:18:56,980 --> 00:18:58,748
and without it I'm lost?
524
00:18:58,749 --> 00:19:00,917
That my whole identity was
tied up with being a Marine,
525
00:19:00,918 --> 00:19:02,785
and now I don't know who I am?
526
00:19:02,786 --> 00:19:05,054
Or... or... or... Oh, I-I'm afraid.
527
00:19:05,055 --> 00:19:06,589
Oh, yeah, now, that's it. That's it.
528
00:19:06,590 --> 00:19:08,925
I'm afraid to take the next step in my life
529
00:19:08,926 --> 00:19:12,161
because what if I try
something new and I fail?
530
00:19:12,162 --> 00:19:14,031
Uh... Exhibit "A."
531
00:19:15,165 --> 00:19:18,034
I ran out of brown!
532
00:19:18,035 --> 00:19:19,535
Look, I-I got home,
533
00:19:19,536 --> 00:19:21,170
and I had to figure out a
way to reinvent myself.
534
00:19:21,171 --> 00:19:22,872
You got to reinvent yourself.
535
00:19:22,873 --> 00:19:25,007
[sighs] I get it, Baxter.
536
00:19:25,008 --> 00:19:26,576
No, but you can't do it alone.
537
00:19:26,577 --> 00:19:28,177
You got to reinvent yourself around the...
538
00:19:28,178 --> 00:19:30,179
the new platoon you got to spend time with.
539
00:19:30,180 --> 00:19:33,182
It's your wife and kid.
540
00:19:33,183 --> 00:19:34,685
You got to go home, man.
541
00:19:36,887 --> 00:19:37,887
[sighs]
542
00:19:37,888 --> 00:19:39,723
You're welcome.
543
00:19:40,924 --> 00:19:42,858
I didn't say "Thank you."
544
00:19:42,859 --> 00:19:45,661
It's time to go get snipped.
545
00:19:45,662 --> 00:19:47,998
I'm gonna put them on a key chain.
546
00:19:48,899 --> 00:19:52,068
You could have just said
you missed me, Baxter.
547
00:19:52,069 --> 00:19:53,070
Yeah, I could have.
548
00:19:54,771 --> 00:19:56,772
Listen, you might want to
give Carol a courtesy call
549
00:19:56,773 --> 00:19:58,574
in case someone's there
planting her oregano.
550
00:19:58,575 --> 00:20:00,010
[laughs] [door closes]
551
00:20:06,414 --> 00:20:08,281
Hi, there.
552
00:20:08,282 --> 00:20:11,651
Mike "The Moose" Baxter
here for Outdoor Man.
553
00:20:11,652 --> 00:20:14,154
[howls]
554
00:20:14,155 --> 00:20:17,424
Announcing our first annual
marriage-saver sale.
555
00:20:17,425 --> 00:20:19,025
20% off everything
556
00:20:19,026 --> 00:20:22,562
we sell designed to help you
spend time away from home...
557
00:20:22,563 --> 00:20:26,066
Which is pretty much everything
we sell here at Outdoor Man.
558
00:20:26,067 --> 00:20:28,068
Because nothing is better for a marriage
559
00:20:28,069 --> 00:20:31,371
than not being around
each other all the time.
560
00:20:31,372 --> 00:20:35,075
Ask a man why he goes to work.
He'll say, "to earn a living."
561
00:20:35,076 --> 00:20:37,210
But come on... with the
internet, these days,
562
00:20:37,211 --> 00:20:40,747
most jobs could be done at home
right next to the little lady.
563
00:20:40,748 --> 00:20:42,182
[chuckles]
564
00:20:42,183 --> 00:20:44,618
"What are you working on?
Want to get some lunch?
565
00:20:44,619 --> 00:20:45,752
"Since you're here,
566
00:20:45,753 --> 00:20:47,587
"can you fix that thing
that isn't really broken
567
00:20:47,588 --> 00:20:50,123
that I just don't know how to use?"
568
00:20:50,124 --> 00:20:53,260
Listen, we all know the guy
who worked for 50 years,
569
00:20:53,261 --> 00:20:56,096
retired, came home, and
died a few weeks later.
570
00:20:56,097 --> 00:21:00,133
And people say, "He
worked himself to death."
571
00:21:00,134 --> 00:21:01,334
I don't know.
572
00:21:01,335 --> 00:21:05,172
He was fine when he was working.
573
00:21:05,173 --> 00:21:08,074
Sounds like the dude came
home, and that killed him.
574
00:21:08,075 --> 00:21:09,242
Come on.
575
00:21:09,243 --> 00:21:12,412
The only way to be missed
is to be gone sometimes.
576
00:21:12,413 --> 00:21:15,115
We've got explorer-model
backpacks on sale now
577
00:21:15,116 --> 00:21:17,384
from 25% to 35% off.
578
00:21:17,385 --> 00:21:21,087
Be sure to be gone long enough
that she starts to actually say,
579
00:21:21,088 --> 00:21:25,425
"You know, he doesn't smell that bad."
580
00:21:25,426 --> 00:21:28,261
So, pick up one of these and take a hike
581
00:21:28,262 --> 00:21:31,166
before the wife tells you to.
582
00:21:31,191 --> 00:21:35,691
Sync & corrections by Alice
www.addic7ed.com
43439
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