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1
00:00:01,644 --> 00:00:04,406
"Last Man Standing" is recorded in
front of a live studio audience.
2
00:00:05,113 --> 00:00:06,914
- Happy Valentine's Day, sweetie.
- Morning. Yeah, yeah.
3
00:00:06,948 --> 00:00:08,732
Listen, I made you
a waffle sandwich
4
00:00:08,767 --> 00:00:10,584
with bacon and sausage
for the road.
5
00:00:10,619 --> 00:00:13,087
Wow. I have died and gone to heaven.
[ Chuckles ]
6
00:00:13,121 --> 00:00:15,756
At least I will
if I keep eating like this.
7
00:00:15,790 --> 00:00:17,875
Almost as sweet
as what I got you.
8
00:00:17,926 --> 00:00:19,877
Oh, Mike, seriously?
9
00:00:19,928 --> 00:00:22,829
Very good, Dad.
Nice to see you stepping up.
10
00:00:22,847 --> 00:00:23,964
Oh, that's not
for Valentine's Day.
11
00:00:23,998 --> 00:00:25,049
I don't believe
in Valentine's Day.
12
00:00:25,100 --> 00:00:26,166
Yeah, we know.
We know. [ Chuckles ]
13
00:00:26,184 --> 00:00:28,585
It's a fake holiday.
Invented by...?
14
00:00:28,620 --> 00:00:30,020
The flower
and greeting-card cartel.
15
00:00:31,172 --> 00:00:32,940
Just like the fake holiday
Saint Paddy's Day,
16
00:00:32,974 --> 00:00:34,108
invented by the people
17
00:00:34,142 --> 00:00:37,444
that make that sawdust
that soaks up vomit.
18
00:00:37,479 --> 00:00:39,279
[ Imitates fanfare ]
19
00:00:39,314 --> 00:00:41,448
A stun gun?
20
00:00:41,483 --> 00:00:43,567
Unbelievable!
21
00:00:43,618 --> 00:00:45,352
Not just a stun gun...
a great one.
22
00:00:45,370 --> 00:00:47,037
That thing
will take down a moose.
23
00:00:48,022 --> 00:00:49,189
Probably only for,
like, 5 seconds.
24
00:00:49,207 --> 00:00:50,857
Then he'd get up, be kind of
pissed, and charge you.
25
00:00:50,875 --> 00:00:53,026
So it's not actually
for a moose.
26
00:00:53,044 --> 00:00:54,194
You want to try it out?
27
00:00:54,212 --> 00:00:56,697
Yeah, I kind of do.
28
00:00:56,715 --> 00:01:00,084
You got your wife a taser
for Valentine's Day?
29
00:01:00,118 --> 00:01:02,169
It's not for Valentine's Day.
30
00:01:02,203 --> 00:01:03,587
Yeah, it's also not romantic.
31
00:01:03,638 --> 00:01:05,799
I got her something to protect
her when I'm not around.
32
00:01:05,807 --> 00:01:07,424
There's nothing
more romantic than that.
33
00:01:07,475 --> 00:01:08,475
This is way more romantic
34
00:01:08,510 --> 00:01:11,478
than stupid, old perfume
or jewelry...
35
00:01:11,513 --> 00:01:14,982
Jewelry is just
a mugger magnet, honey.
36
00:01:15,016 --> 00:01:17,351
I might as well send you out
on the Serengeti
37
00:01:17,385 --> 00:01:19,653
in a sundress made of meat.
38
00:01:19,688 --> 00:01:22,990
Thanks for my taser.
It's stunning!
39
00:01:23,024 --> 00:01:25,492
Boyd, what do we say
about puns?
40
00:01:25,527 --> 00:01:27,661
Lowest form of comedy.
41
00:01:29,897 --> 00:01:32,566
After all these years,
still Mr. Romance, huh?
42
00:01:32,584 --> 00:01:33,834
Yes.
[ Chuckles ]
43
00:01:33,868 --> 00:01:35,669
[ Doorbell rings ]
Can somebody get that?!
44
00:01:35,704 --> 00:01:36,837
You know, it's okay, honey.
45
00:01:36,871 --> 00:01:38,511
I'm used to your father's
practical gifts.
46
00:01:38,540 --> 00:01:41,575
I actually liked the coin sorter
he got me last year.
47
00:01:41,593 --> 00:01:43,076
Yeah, but once in a while,
wouldn't it be great
48
00:01:43,094 --> 00:01:44,745
to get something
personal and frivolous?
49
00:01:44,763 --> 00:01:45,746
[ Doorbell ringing ]
50
00:01:45,764 --> 00:01:47,548
Is anybody gonna get the door?!
51
00:01:47,582 --> 00:01:49,216
I was fixing breakfast!
52
00:01:49,250 --> 00:01:50,801
I was fixing this!
53
00:01:50,852 --> 00:01:53,303
I was fixing to get the door, but
I figured somebody else would.
54
00:01:53,354 --> 00:01:54,421
Ooh! Wow.
55
00:01:54,439 --> 00:01:57,357
Oh, hey!
Kyle got me flowers!
56
00:01:57,392 --> 00:01:58,592
Vanessa:
There's no card.
57
00:01:58,610 --> 00:02:00,728
What kind of an idiot
forgets the card?
58
00:02:00,762 --> 00:02:03,030
Hey, Kyle got Mandy flowers.
59
00:02:05,400 --> 00:02:08,368
No, we don't know that.
They could be for anybody.
60
00:02:08,403 --> 00:02:10,154
Gosh, they're beautiful.
[ Sniffs ]
61
00:02:10,205 --> 00:02:12,656
- Well, we know they're not for Eve.
- And why not?
62
00:02:12,707 --> 00:02:15,909
Guys don't usually send flowers
to girls they're afraid of.
63
00:02:15,943 --> 00:02:17,778
They do if they know
what's good for 'em.
64
00:02:18,713 --> 00:02:20,781
And we know
Dad didn't buy them for Mom.
65
00:02:20,799 --> 00:02:22,666
Oh, you know what?
Fine, rub it in.
66
00:02:22,717 --> 00:02:23,801
But good luck to you lovebirds
67
00:02:23,835 --> 00:02:26,253
when you're trying
to sort coins by hand.
68
00:02:27,287 --> 00:02:30,591
Ergo, since you
don't even live here,
69
00:02:30,625 --> 00:02:32,959
these babies got to be for moi.
70
00:02:32,977 --> 00:02:34,061
Seriously, you think Kyle
71
00:02:34,095 --> 00:02:35,929
would spend
hundreds of dollars on roses?
72
00:02:35,963 --> 00:02:38,599
He spent $200 on a date once,
and dinner only cost $20,
73
00:02:38,633 --> 00:02:39,933
but he was really determined
74
00:02:39,967 --> 00:02:43,136
to get me that rasta-banana
out of the claw machine.
75
00:02:43,154 --> 00:02:44,321
You know what?
No, no, no.
76
00:02:44,355 --> 00:02:45,439
Now that I think about it,
77
00:02:45,473 --> 00:02:47,441
I think that these flowers
might be for me.
78
00:02:47,475 --> 00:02:48,776
Kris, you live with Ryan.
79
00:02:48,810 --> 00:02:50,694
Why would he send flowers here?
80
00:02:50,745 --> 00:02:52,196
No, he didn't,
and Ryan already gave me
81
00:02:52,247 --> 00:02:53,530
my present this morning.
[ Chuckles ]
82
00:02:53,581 --> 00:02:55,148
[ Groans ] Gross.
83
00:02:55,166 --> 00:02:58,368
And a single red rose
on my pillow.
84
00:02:58,419 --> 00:03:00,254
Gross and cheap.
85
00:03:00,288 --> 00:03:03,257
Actually, I think these flowers
might be from my boss.
86
00:03:03,291 --> 00:03:05,592
The successful and dreamy
John Baker.
87
00:03:05,627 --> 00:03:07,761
Mm-hmm. I'd hit that.
88
00:03:09,464 --> 00:03:10,931
Oh, it's an expression.
89
00:03:10,965 --> 00:03:12,883
It just means
I'd have sex with him.
90
00:03:12,934 --> 00:03:14,718
Yeah, okay. All right.
Uh, honey, listen.
91
00:03:14,769 --> 00:03:15,886
Is... is there
something going on
92
00:03:15,937 --> 00:03:17,271
between you and John Baker?
93
00:03:17,305 --> 00:03:19,106
No, no, no, but I just think
he's really hung up on me,
94
00:03:19,140 --> 00:03:20,641
and it would be so his style
95
00:03:20,675 --> 00:03:22,342
to send flowers here
anonymously.
96
00:03:22,360 --> 00:03:23,610
Well, it seems like
97
00:03:23,645 --> 00:03:25,395
somebody has a pretty high
opinion of herself,
98
00:03:25,446 --> 00:03:28,065
which is
a very unflattering trait.
99
00:03:28,116 --> 00:03:31,017
- Plus, it's kind of my thing.
- Okay, cool it.
100
00:03:31,035 --> 00:03:32,519
John's been
really attentive lately.
101
00:03:32,537 --> 00:03:34,288
He's been walking me
to my car every night.
102
00:03:34,322 --> 00:03:35,455
Yeah, but...
but you are carrying
103
00:03:35,490 --> 00:03:37,124
the bank deposit
for the restaurant.
104
00:03:37,158 --> 00:03:40,127
Maybe he's being attentive
to his money.
105
00:03:40,161 --> 00:03:44,047
Huh. Snap.
Valentine's burn, Mom.
106
00:03:45,533 --> 00:03:46,700
You know what?
That's it.
107
00:03:46,718 --> 00:03:48,368
All this talk
about these stupid flowers...
108
00:03:48,386 --> 00:03:50,203
I want in on some
of this Valentine's swag.
109
00:03:50,221 --> 00:03:51,889
I think it's time
for me to go out
110
00:03:51,923 --> 00:03:53,507
and get myself
a real boyfriend.
111
00:03:53,541 --> 00:03:55,642
It's not like going to the pound
and picking out a puppy.
112
00:03:55,677 --> 00:03:56,710
You kidding?
113
00:03:56,728 --> 00:03:58,211
I'll have this locked down
by dinner.
114
00:04:00,064 --> 00:04:04,434
I'd be very afraid to be
a teenage boy right about now.
115
00:04:04,485 --> 00:04:08,638
Sync & corrections by Alice
www.addic7ed.com
116
00:04:10,089 --> 00:04:14,193
Hey, Mike Baxter here for Outdoor Man
with a few words about Valentine's Day...
117
00:04:14,261 --> 00:04:16,462
Phony, stupid con game.
118
00:04:17,530 --> 00:04:19,132
You know,
I don't know who's dumber...
119
00:04:19,200 --> 00:04:21,968
the women who are charmed
by a mandatory romantic gesture
120
00:04:22,036 --> 00:04:23,803
or the men
who shell out big bucks
121
00:04:23,871 --> 00:04:25,638
for pretty much a fake holiday.
122
00:04:25,956 --> 00:04:28,057
As a protest,
Outdoor Man is having
123
00:04:28,125 --> 00:04:30,560
a Valentine's Day non-sale.
124
00:04:30,627 --> 00:04:32,562
Not only will nothing
be discounted,
125
00:04:32,629 --> 00:04:35,064
we'll actually be charging more
for anything we think
126
00:04:35,132 --> 00:04:37,233
you might be giving your lady
as a gift.
127
00:04:37,301 --> 00:04:41,904
Check out these polyester
fur-lined gloves, normally $50.
128
00:04:41,972 --> 00:04:44,674
Today only... $1,200.
129
00:04:46,242 --> 00:04:49,345
Surprise is the key
to keeping romance alive.
130
00:04:49,913 --> 00:04:52,015
And nothing will surprise
the love of your life more
131
00:04:52,082 --> 00:04:55,652
on Valentine's Day
than getting nothing.
132
00:04:57,821 --> 00:05:00,189
Hey. Happy Valentine's,
sweetie!
133
00:05:00,257 --> 00:05:01,691
Aww, thank you so much
134
00:05:01,759 --> 00:05:04,594
for that huge bouquet of roses
you sent me!
135
00:05:04,662 --> 00:05:06,763
Oh, my God!
You would be so welcome...
136
00:05:09,933 --> 00:05:12,435
...you know,
if I had actually done that.
137
00:05:12,503 --> 00:05:15,538
Oh, so they were for Kristin.
138
00:05:15,606 --> 00:05:17,974
No, why would I
send Kristin flowers?
139
00:05:19,576 --> 00:05:22,679
[ Laughing ] You're not
making any sense, Mandy.
140
00:05:22,746 --> 00:05:24,514
I'll give you your present
when I see you tonight.
141
00:05:24,581 --> 00:05:26,783
Okay, and I'll give you
yours tonight.
142
00:05:26,850 --> 00:05:30,053
Ooh.
I hope it's socks.
143
00:05:30,120 --> 00:05:31,921
Bye.
[ Smooches ]
144
00:05:31,989 --> 00:05:35,258
[ Chuckles ] Ah, young
love... so inspiring,
145
00:05:35,326 --> 00:05:38,428
and so much more photogenic
than old love.
146
00:05:39,597 --> 00:05:40,863
If you don't mind my asking,
147
00:05:40,931 --> 00:05:42,232
what did you give Mandy, hmm?
148
00:05:42,299 --> 00:05:43,900
Oh, no, I don't mind.
149
00:05:43,968 --> 00:05:46,102
[ Clears throat ]
I made this for her.
150
00:05:46,170 --> 00:05:47,103
Is that ivory?
151
00:05:47,171 --> 00:05:49,105
Irish spring, actually.
152
00:05:49,173 --> 00:05:50,273
Mm!
153
00:05:50,341 --> 00:05:52,108
I carved it out of soap.
154
00:05:52,176 --> 00:05:53,743
Really? Well, I like it!
155
00:05:53,811 --> 00:05:56,879
[ Irish accent ]
And I like it, too!
156
00:05:56,947 --> 00:05:58,882
Very impressive handiwork here.
157
00:05:58,949 --> 00:06:01,751
- It's Mandy's favorite bird, the
Mountain Bluebird. - Oh. Ah. Uh-huh.
158
00:06:01,819 --> 00:06:02,919
We saw one in the park one day,
159
00:06:02,987 --> 00:06:04,420
and then we saw one
the next day,
160
00:06:04,488 --> 00:06:06,656
and so now she thinks
they're our guardian angel.
161
00:06:06,724 --> 00:06:09,325
I think they live in the park.
162
00:06:09,393 --> 00:06:10,627
Here.
163
00:06:10,694 --> 00:06:12,662
Are... are... are you certain
that... that Mandy's
164
00:06:12,730 --> 00:06:15,598
the kind of girl who's gonna be
happy with a soap bird?
165
00:06:15,666 --> 00:06:17,900
I hope so.
That's all I can afford.
166
00:06:17,968 --> 00:06:21,070
You know, I don't exactly
make a lot of money here.
167
00:06:21,138 --> 00:06:24,240
Yeah, I know.
It's rough.
168
00:06:24,308 --> 00:06:26,409
I wish there was something
I could do.
169
00:06:26,477 --> 00:06:27,377
Good luck.
170
00:06:28,979 --> 00:06:29,913
[ Knock on door ]
171
00:06:29,980 --> 00:06:30,980
Mike: Yeah.
172
00:06:31,048 --> 00:06:34,317
[ Clears throat ] Yeah, Mike.
173
00:06:34,385 --> 00:06:37,654
I saw your Valentine's vlog,
Mikey.
174
00:06:37,721 --> 00:06:38,988
[ Grunts ]
175
00:06:39,056 --> 00:06:41,157
"Ladies love Cool J,"
176
00:06:41,225 --> 00:06:44,627
but they're about to
go "gangsta" on Mike "Baxta"!
177
00:06:44,695 --> 00:06:46,162
I think that Valentine's Day
178
00:06:46,230 --> 00:06:48,798
takes the spontaneity
out of love.
179
00:06:48,866 --> 00:06:51,801
When I give Vanessa
a surprise romantic gesture,
180
00:06:51,869 --> 00:06:53,303
she knows it's authentic.
181
00:06:53,370 --> 00:06:55,638
When was your last
surprise romantic gesture?
182
00:06:55,706 --> 00:06:58,141
I sent her a little arrangement
of roses just today.
183
00:06:58,208 --> 00:07:00,076
I'm... I'm... I'm...
I'm confused now.
184
00:07:00,144 --> 00:07:01,978
You don't celebrate
Valentine's Day.
185
00:07:02,046 --> 00:07:05,615
That's what makes it
a surprise!
186
00:07:05,683 --> 00:07:07,150
She's not expecting it.
187
00:07:07,217 --> 00:07:09,485
- Because you don't celebrate
Valentine's Day. - Exactly.
188
00:07:09,553 --> 00:07:13,289
Making it... a surprise.
189
00:07:13,357 --> 00:07:15,525
Today's Valentine's Day.
Everybody sends flowers.
190
00:07:15,593 --> 00:07:17,894
I don't.
191
00:07:17,962 --> 00:07:21,130
Thus... the surprise.
192
00:07:21,198 --> 00:07:22,966
[ Sighs ]
Okay. Come on. All right.
193
00:07:23,033 --> 00:07:24,901
- Let... let me follow this.
- All right.
194
00:07:24,969 --> 00:07:27,837
Now, for 25 years, you've been
crapping on Valentine's Day
195
00:07:27,905 --> 00:07:29,505
because it's not spontaneous.
196
00:07:29,573 --> 00:07:32,508
This year, you buy her flowers,
thus making it spontaneous.
197
00:07:32,576 --> 00:07:33,676
Listen to me.
198
00:07:33,744 --> 00:07:35,678
I'm the only guy on the planet
199
00:07:35,746 --> 00:07:39,515
that can surprise his wife
with flowers...
200
00:07:39,583 --> 00:07:42,085
On Valentine's Day.
201
00:07:43,652 --> 00:07:45,520
It's ingenious!
202
00:07:52,712 --> 00:07:54,512
Gentlemen,
I've invited you here today
203
00:07:54,580 --> 00:07:56,020
because I've decided
it's time for me
204
00:07:56,081 --> 00:07:58,182
to have a real boyfriend.
205
00:07:58,500 --> 00:08:01,435
Um, I-I-I got a note
to come here.
206
00:08:01,503 --> 00:08:03,738
Grab some chair, Justin.
207
00:08:05,641 --> 00:08:07,642
1400 hours doesn't mean 1401.
208
00:08:09,611 --> 00:08:11,045
I'm here to congratulate
the three of you
209
00:08:11,113 --> 00:08:12,179
on being finalists
210
00:08:12,247 --> 00:08:13,948
for the position
of Eve's boyfriend.
211
00:08:14,016 --> 00:08:15,922
[ Laughs ]
212
00:08:15,948 --> 00:08:18,044
All right!
213
00:08:18,086 --> 00:08:19,353
When I look around this room,
214
00:08:19,421 --> 00:08:22,790
it's an honor
just being nominated.
215
00:08:22,858 --> 00:08:24,625
Wait. This says
the principal wanted to see me.
216
00:08:24,693 --> 00:08:26,694
Did you steal this
from his office?
217
00:08:26,762 --> 00:08:29,697
I'll ask the questions here.
218
00:08:29,765 --> 00:08:33,234
Look, I know
all three of you like me, but...
219
00:08:33,301 --> 00:08:34,568
[ clears throat ]
Uh, for the record,
220
00:08:34,636 --> 00:08:36,170
I've liked you since
third grade, and I can prove it!
221
00:08:36,238 --> 00:08:38,305
I keep a pretty detailed diary.
222
00:08:38,373 --> 00:08:40,141
Yeah, and, uh,
for the record...
223
00:08:40,208 --> 00:08:42,076
Boom.
224
00:08:42,144 --> 00:08:44,645
And for the record,
Matt already has a girlfriend.
225
00:08:44,713 --> 00:08:46,881
Eve would be a total upgrade.
226
00:08:46,949 --> 00:08:49,417
She's pretty hot
for a jock chick.
227
00:08:49,984 --> 00:08:51,719
Enough of the chitchat, ladies.
228
00:08:51,787 --> 00:08:53,054
We only got an hour here.
229
00:08:53,121 --> 00:08:56,157
There's going to be
a multiple-choice quiz,
230
00:08:56,224 --> 00:08:59,427
a fitness test,
and a short essay on the topic
231
00:08:59,494 --> 00:09:01,929
"Eve...
smart girl who's pretty
232
00:09:01,997 --> 00:09:03,831
or pretty girl
who's smart?"
233
00:09:03,899 --> 00:09:06,634
Or pretty girl
who's lost her mind.
234
00:09:06,702 --> 00:09:09,303
Look, Eve.
235
00:09:09,371 --> 00:09:10,971
I like you, okay?
236
00:09:11,039 --> 00:09:12,773
And if you want to
go out sometime,
237
00:09:12,841 --> 00:09:14,375
then you know where to find me.
238
00:09:14,443 --> 00:09:16,577
But I'm not gonna
jump through hoops for you.
239
00:09:16,645 --> 00:09:18,579
W... hey, wait.
240
00:09:18,647 --> 00:09:19,747
[ Chuckling ]
You can opt out on the hoops
241
00:09:19,815 --> 00:09:21,882
and just do the rope climb,
I mean...
242
00:09:23,585 --> 00:09:24,819
Ugh.
243
00:09:29,390 --> 00:09:31,492
So, we are completely booked
for tonight.
244
00:09:31,560 --> 00:09:32,693
Yeah?
245
00:09:32,761 --> 00:09:34,962
I bet you wish every day
was Valentine's Day.
246
00:09:35,030 --> 00:09:36,163
Uh, no.
247
00:09:36,231 --> 00:09:38,499
I'd go broke buying gifts
for my Valentine.
248
00:09:38,567 --> 00:09:40,868
Uh, a-about that.
249
00:09:40,936 --> 00:09:43,804
That was the biggest bouquet
I have ever seen. [ Chuckles ]
250
00:09:43,872 --> 00:09:45,506
Huh?
251
00:09:45,574 --> 00:09:48,342
You're gonna make me say it,
aren't you? Uh...
252
00:09:48,410 --> 00:09:51,679
look, uh, I th-think
you're a really great guy.
253
00:09:51,747 --> 00:09:55,182
Thanks! I'm glad
I could pull that out of you.
254
00:09:55,250 --> 00:09:59,653
But you have to know how happy
I am with Ryan right now.
255
00:09:59,721 --> 00:10:02,523
Kris, I think
there's been a misunderstanding.
256
00:10:02,591 --> 00:10:04,992
Am I misunderstanding
you walking me
257
00:10:05,060 --> 00:10:06,494
to my car every night?
258
00:10:07,561 --> 00:10:09,830
You carry the bank deposit.
259
00:10:09,898 --> 00:10:10,998
[ Chuckles ]
260
00:10:11,066 --> 00:10:13,000
Obviously, it's very flattering
261
00:10:13,068 --> 00:10:15,236
that you're still
so into me, but...
262
00:10:15,303 --> 00:10:16,537
You need to move on.
263
00:10:18,407 --> 00:10:20,174
[ Sighs ] I'm getting
so many compliments
264
00:10:20,242 --> 00:10:22,476
on my new bracelet, Johnny!
265
00:10:24,946 --> 00:10:28,082
Mm.
266
00:10:28,950 --> 00:10:30,584
Isn't it beautiful?
267
00:10:30,652 --> 00:10:33,754
Oh, wow! That's so beautiful,
Rachel! [ Chuckles ]
268
00:10:33,822 --> 00:10:36,424
Yes. Oh, my God.
269
00:10:36,491 --> 00:10:38,592
You did know that Rachel and I
were a thing, right?
270
00:10:38,660 --> 00:10:39,760
Of course!
271
00:10:39,828 --> 00:10:42,329
I am the assistant manager
around here.
272
00:10:42,397 --> 00:10:43,964
I am on top of everything.
[ Chuckles ]
273
00:10:50,805 --> 00:10:53,106
- Hey.
- Hey.
274
00:10:53,674 --> 00:10:56,444
Well, don't even think
about cooking dinner,
275
00:10:56,511 --> 00:10:58,045
because I brought it home.
276
00:10:58,113 --> 00:11:00,414
That is sweet,
because I am exhausted.
277
00:11:02,617 --> 00:11:03,918
Hot dogs?!
278
00:11:03,985 --> 00:11:05,286
Yeah!
279
00:11:05,353 --> 00:11:07,988
I saw this guy on YouTube
cook these by tasering them.
280
00:11:09,791 --> 00:11:11,192
Then, if it stops raining,
281
00:11:11,259 --> 00:11:12,626
we can go out and see if
we can blow up this watermelon.
282
00:11:12,694 --> 00:11:15,463
And they say every love story's
already been told.
283
00:11:15,530 --> 00:11:18,466
Listen, uh, honey, I'm sorry,
284
00:11:18,533 --> 00:11:20,935
but, uh, I gave the taser away.
285
00:11:21,003 --> 00:11:22,002
Why would you give away
my gift?
286
00:11:22,070 --> 00:11:23,270
It's [Chuckles] not like it was
287
00:11:23,271 --> 00:11:24,505
some kind of special
Valentine's Day present.
288
00:11:24,573 --> 00:11:25,606
I gave it to Kristin.
289
00:11:25,674 --> 00:11:27,742
I mean,
we could boil these hot dogs,
290
00:11:27,809 --> 00:11:30,111
but no one's gonna watch that
on YouTube.
291
00:11:30,178 --> 00:11:33,547
[ Chuckling ] Hey!
Some beautiful flowers there.
292
00:11:33,615 --> 00:11:35,649
Somebody must be excited...
293
00:11:35,717 --> 00:11:37,284
And appreciative.
294
00:11:40,188 --> 00:11:41,489
- There was no card.
- What?
295
00:11:41,556 --> 00:11:43,657
I know we don't do
Valentine's Day,
296
00:11:43,725 --> 00:11:45,559
but I got to tell you,
when these arrived,
297
00:11:45,627 --> 00:11:47,795
it was a little like
rubbing salt in a wound.
298
00:11:49,030 --> 00:11:50,297
And lemon.
299
00:11:52,968 --> 00:11:55,903
And alcohol.
300
00:11:55,971 --> 00:11:59,073
Why don't you just say
"Margarita"?
301
00:11:59,141 --> 00:12:01,409
I don't know what
happened to the card, honey.
302
00:12:01,476 --> 00:12:03,577
I sent you those flowers.
303
00:12:03,645 --> 00:12:05,713
[ Laughing ]
304
00:12:07,916 --> 00:12:09,684
Okay.
305
00:12:09,751 --> 00:12:11,018
Honey, I sent those flowers!
306
00:12:11,086 --> 00:12:12,853
Honey, stop!
It's okay!
307
00:12:12,921 --> 00:12:15,022
I got a... I tell you...
I tell you, I got a receipt!
308
00:12:15,090 --> 00:12:16,957
Let me show you!
I got a receipt.
309
00:12:17,025 --> 00:12:19,660
Yeah, for 25 years,
I know the guy I married!
310
00:12:19,728 --> 00:12:20,828
Right there...
I got a receipt.
311
00:12:20,896 --> 00:12:22,830
It says right there,
"stun gun."
312
00:12:22,898 --> 00:12:24,832
No. Hey!
313
00:12:24,900 --> 00:12:26,767
[ Doorbell rings ]
314
00:12:26,835 --> 00:12:27,902
This is ridiculous!
315
00:12:27,969 --> 00:12:29,403
You send flowers,
you lose the card?
316
00:12:29,471 --> 00:12:30,504
What's up?
317
00:12:30,572 --> 00:12:32,273
Hey, Mr. B.
Happy Valentine's Day.
318
00:12:32,341 --> 00:12:33,874
Yeah. It's cold,
and you're all wet!
319
00:12:33,942 --> 00:12:35,042
Yeah, it's freezing.
320
00:12:35,110 --> 00:12:37,511
Yeah. Gee.
Mandy, Kyle's here!
321
00:12:37,579 --> 00:12:39,313
Hey, you sure it's not for me?
322
00:12:39,381 --> 00:12:41,349
I just said,
"Kyle was here."
323
00:12:41,416 --> 00:12:42,683
It's Kyle?
Why didn't you let him in?!
324
00:12:42,751 --> 00:12:43,818
It's not my boyfriend.
325
00:12:43,885 --> 00:12:45,653
I got my own
ball and chain to deal with.
326
00:12:45,721 --> 00:12:46,921
Hi.
327
00:12:46,989 --> 00:12:48,956
Oh, my God. This is just like
in "The Notebook"!
328
00:12:49,024 --> 00:12:50,258
Hey.
[ Sighs ]
329
00:12:50,325 --> 00:12:52,460
I just want to leap in your arms
and close my eyes
330
00:12:52,527 --> 00:12:53,767
and pretend
you're Ryan Gosling.
331
00:12:53,829 --> 00:12:54,929
Wait.
332
00:12:54,997 --> 00:12:56,697
I got you something better
than a Gosling.
333
00:12:56,765 --> 00:12:58,165
[ Squeals ]
334
00:13:03,471 --> 00:13:06,474
It's a Mountain Bluebird.
335
00:13:07,041 --> 00:13:08,843
It is?
336
00:13:08,911 --> 00:13:13,581
Yeah, I, uh...
I-I carved it out of soap.
337
00:13:13,649 --> 00:13:15,583
Oh!
338
00:13:15,651 --> 00:13:17,718
Is the bird
underneath the bubbles?
339
00:13:18,786 --> 00:13:21,989
Uh, I think the bird
is the bubbles.
340
00:13:23,458 --> 00:13:24,859
It was supposed to be
a bluebird... you know,
341
00:13:24,927 --> 00:13:26,394
like the one from the park,
our guardian angel.
342
00:13:26,461 --> 00:13:28,062
That is so lame!
343
00:13:28,130 --> 00:13:31,332
No. No, that actually took
a lot of thought.
344
00:13:31,400 --> 00:13:34,502
Followed immediately
by complete absence of thought.
345
00:13:34,570 --> 00:13:37,004
You know what? That's actually
the perfect gift.
346
00:13:37,072 --> 00:13:39,207
I would rather have
a boyfriend who listens to me
347
00:13:39,274 --> 00:13:41,676
and makes me a heartfelt gift
instead of going into debt
348
00:13:41,743 --> 00:13:44,178
buying something
expensive and stupid.
349
00:13:44,246 --> 00:13:46,380
Am I the only one
who gets this holiday?
350
00:13:54,332 --> 00:13:56,433
[ Doorbell ringing ]
351
00:13:56,500 --> 00:13:58,668
I'll get it!
352
00:13:58,736 --> 00:14:01,171
[ Sighs ]
353
00:14:01,239 --> 00:14:02,272
Hi, Eve.
354
00:14:02,340 --> 00:14:04,741
Wow. Truffles. Nice.
355
00:14:04,809 --> 00:14:07,110
[ Chuckling ] Sure beats
a bird made out of soap.
356
00:14:07,978 --> 00:14:10,780
Uh, sit there and don't put
your feet on anything.
357
00:14:11,448 --> 00:14:14,251
Hey, Evie.
Uh, who's this?
358
00:14:14,318 --> 00:14:16,253
Oh, this is
my new boyfriend, Andrew...
359
00:14:16,320 --> 00:14:19,022
but by a narrow margin.
360
00:14:19,240 --> 00:14:20,974
Could have gone either way.
[ Sighs ]
361
00:14:21,042 --> 00:14:22,309
Hello, Andrew.
362
00:14:22,376 --> 00:14:24,744
Hello, Mrs. Baxter.
You have a beautiful home.
363
00:14:24,812 --> 00:14:26,012
Oh, thank you.
364
00:14:26,080 --> 00:14:28,281
He's polite
and writes a strong essay.
365
00:14:28,349 --> 00:14:30,950
But he's no arm wrestler,
I'll tell you that.
366
00:14:31,018 --> 00:14:33,319
I have carpal tunnel.
367
00:14:33,387 --> 00:14:36,923
Making excuses?
Not a good color on you, Andrew.
368
00:14:36,991 --> 00:14:38,358
Got to hand it to you, Eve.
369
00:14:38,426 --> 00:14:41,027
You actually brought home
a boyfriend for Valentine's Day.
370
00:14:41,095 --> 00:14:44,864
Yeah. Said I would.
And I don't mess around.
371
00:14:44,932 --> 00:14:46,212
You know,
that's another thing...
372
00:14:46,267 --> 00:14:48,001
I don't mess around.
373
00:14:51,038 --> 00:14:53,306
I'm gonna go get a soda.
374
00:14:53,374 --> 00:14:55,642
"Can I get you anything,
Andrew?!"
375
00:14:55,710 --> 00:14:56,810
Oh, he's fine.
376
00:14:56,877 --> 00:14:58,678
He's got to get us
reservations somewhere.
377
00:14:58,746 --> 00:15:00,180
Last-minute
on Valentine's Day.
378
00:15:00,247 --> 00:15:02,916
[ Chuckling ] We'll see what
kind of juice this kid's got.
379
00:15:05,185 --> 00:15:07,020
Hey, Ryan. Squirt.
380
00:15:07,088 --> 00:15:09,022
Hey. Having
a good Valentine's Day?
381
00:15:09,090 --> 00:15:11,524
Oh, yeah. My boyfriend's
taking me out tonight.
382
00:15:11,592 --> 00:15:12,859
Uh, he's in the living room
383
00:15:12,927 --> 00:15:14,367
if you want to go
take a look at him.
384
00:15:15,596 --> 00:15:17,197
I want to take a look at him!
385
00:15:17,264 --> 00:15:18,815
[ Chuckles ]
386
00:15:18,841 --> 00:15:20,391
Where are you taking Kris tonight?
387
00:15:20,434 --> 00:15:22,035
Ah, Kris is working tonight.
388
00:15:22,102 --> 00:15:25,538
Huh. Mm.
And you're okay with that?
389
00:15:25,606 --> 00:15:27,340
Uh yeah!
Why wouldn't I be?
390
00:15:27,408 --> 00:15:30,343
Uh, well, apparently,
that John Baker guy's into her.
391
00:15:30,411 --> 00:15:31,978
He wants to "hit that."
392
00:15:33,814 --> 00:15:35,548
It's an expression.
You know, it means that he...
393
00:15:35,616 --> 00:15:37,917
Yeah, I know what it means.
394
00:15:37,985 --> 00:15:39,586
He got her
that big-ass bouquet in there.
395
00:15:43,224 --> 00:15:44,824
John really sent her those?
396
00:15:44,892 --> 00:15:46,960
Yeah. He walks her
to her car every night, too.
397
00:15:47,027 --> 00:15:48,728
[ Chuckling ]
I have a boyfriend now,
398
00:15:48,796 --> 00:15:50,430
so I know
how these animals operate.
399
00:15:51,498 --> 00:15:53,766
- Hi, Ryan.
- Oh, hey.
400
00:15:53,834 --> 00:15:55,768
Yeah, uh, I'll... I'll be back
later to pick up Boyd.
401
00:15:55,836 --> 00:15:58,104
Oh, yeah, no problem.
Got no special plans.
402
00:15:58,172 --> 00:16:00,607
I'll just be here
sorting coins.
403
00:16:00,674 --> 00:16:02,408
Eve:
Beat it, pip-squeak!
404
00:16:04,144 --> 00:16:06,579
So...
[ Sighs ]
405
00:16:06,647 --> 00:16:08,681
How did you two lovebirds
find each other?
406
00:16:08,749 --> 00:16:10,850
Ran a couple of guys
through a maze,
407
00:16:10,918 --> 00:16:13,920
and, uh, he's the one
that got the cheese!
408
00:16:15,122 --> 00:16:16,890
Hmm. Cheese.
409
00:16:16,957 --> 00:16:19,559
Hey, uh, Andrew,
could you go get me a snack?
410
00:16:19,627 --> 00:16:22,896
Cheese, on crackers... the round
ones, not the saltines?
411
00:16:22,963 --> 00:16:23,863
Oh.
412
00:16:26,100 --> 00:16:28,534
Wow. Nice catch.
413
00:16:28,602 --> 00:16:30,737
Thought you wanted a boyfriend,
not a butler.
414
00:16:30,804 --> 00:16:33,606
It's love, Mom.
He's all things to me.
415
00:16:34,174 --> 00:16:36,276
I'm just wondering, long term,
416
00:16:36,343 --> 00:16:38,411
how happy you're going to be
with a guy
417
00:16:38,479 --> 00:16:40,446
who does everything
you tell him to.
418
00:16:40,514 --> 00:16:42,749
Well, so far,
I've kind of enjoyed it.
419
00:16:42,816 --> 00:16:45,919
I mean... The guy got me candy
on Valentine's Day.
420
00:16:45,986 --> 00:16:47,787
Dad got you a taser.
421
00:16:47,855 --> 00:16:49,622
No, your father is romantic.
422
00:16:49,690 --> 00:16:53,626
It's just... he shows his love
in ways that... that...
423
00:16:53,694 --> 00:16:56,496
that don't...
look anything like love.
424
00:16:56,563 --> 00:16:58,831
Mom,
come on. I-I-I saw.
425
00:16:58,899 --> 00:17:01,140
You were disappointed when
these flowers weren't for you.
426
00:17:01,168 --> 00:17:02,935
[ Scoffs ]
I mean, I... sure, yeah.
427
00:17:03,003 --> 00:17:04,937
I mean, I... there's
a part of me that wishes
428
00:17:05,005 --> 00:17:07,707
your father would do
what's predictable and expected,
429
00:17:07,775 --> 00:17:09,842
like...
like Valentine's Day flowers,
430
00:17:09,910 --> 00:17:13,846
but... honey,
I am so much happier
431
00:17:13,914 --> 00:17:16,516
being with a guy
who doesn't jump through hoops
432
00:17:16,583 --> 00:17:18,685
just because somebody
invented a holiday!
433
00:17:18,752 --> 00:17:20,320
Hmm.
434
00:17:20,387 --> 00:17:21,955
Okay!
435
00:17:22,022 --> 00:17:24,624
I've arranged the crackers
into a heart,
436
00:17:24,692 --> 00:17:27,527
and the cheese...
is the arrow.
437
00:17:31,899 --> 00:17:33,666
Andrew...
438
00:17:33,734 --> 00:17:36,035
We've always been honest
with each other, you know?
439
00:17:37,404 --> 00:17:38,415
[ Inhales sharply ]
440
00:17:38,441 --> 00:17:39,397
Yeah, it's over.
441
00:17:41,675 --> 00:17:42,915
I should have seen this coming.
442
00:17:42,977 --> 00:17:44,143
I guess I was just hoping...
443
00:17:44,211 --> 00:17:46,846
Let's not draw this out.
444
00:17:46,914 --> 00:17:48,147
Right. [ Sighs ]
445
00:17:48,215 --> 00:17:50,183
Well, you know, at least
you guys don't have kids.
446
00:17:50,250 --> 00:17:52,018
That's where these breakups
get messy.
447
00:17:52,086 --> 00:17:53,820
[ Chuckles ]
448
00:17:53,887 --> 00:17:57,357
Hey, uh, can I use you as a
referral for my next girlfriend?
449
00:17:57,424 --> 00:17:58,558
Sure.
450
00:17:58,625 --> 00:18:00,827
Can I say we went on
an actual date?
451
00:18:00,894 --> 00:18:01,734
[ Sighs ]
452
00:18:01,760 --> 00:18:02,720
Fine.
453
00:18:02,763 --> 00:18:04,497
Can I say we made out?
454
00:18:04,565 --> 00:18:05,665
Uh, no!
455
00:18:05,733 --> 00:18:07,066
And you just lost
your referral!
456
00:18:08,569 --> 00:18:10,236
Hey, it was nice
meeting you, Andrew.
457
00:18:10,304 --> 00:18:12,739
Oh, and I still need you
to proof my history paper!
458
00:18:12,806 --> 00:18:14,307
Oh, wait, uh, Mrs. Baxter,
459
00:18:14,375 --> 00:18:15,975
I found this in your bushes.
460
00:18:16,043 --> 00:18:17,677
Oh. Thanks.
461
00:18:17,745 --> 00:18:18,711
What's all this about?
462
00:18:18,779 --> 00:18:21,714
Uh, Eve's...
463
00:18:21,782 --> 00:18:25,551
Ex-boyfriend, uh,
just...
464
00:18:25,619 --> 00:18:28,021
Found the... the card
for the flowers. Uh...
465
00:18:28,088 --> 00:18:29,255
Interesting.
466
00:18:29,323 --> 00:18:31,758
Yeah. It says,
"To Vanessa."
467
00:18:31,825 --> 00:18:33,092
Huh.
468
00:18:33,160 --> 00:18:36,429
And, um... Uh, look. There's,
uh... there's a message.
469
00:18:36,497 --> 00:18:39,399
Maybe I have some romance
left in me, huh?
470
00:18:41,201 --> 00:18:42,969
"To Vanessa.
471
00:18:43,537 --> 00:18:45,772
Bet you didn't see
this coming."
472
00:18:49,276 --> 00:18:50,742
"Ha!"
473
00:18:54,448 --> 00:18:56,349
"In your face."
474
00:19:00,320 --> 00:19:02,588
"Love, Mike."
475
00:19:02,656 --> 00:19:04,257
[ Voice breaking ] Mike...
[ Chuckles ]
476
00:19:04,325 --> 00:19:06,225
...thank you!
477
00:19:08,128 --> 00:19:10,596
Happy February 14th!
478
00:19:24,644 --> 00:19:26,879
You sure you don't want me
to walk you to your car?
479
00:19:26,947 --> 00:19:29,849
Oh, uh, no.
[ Chuckles ] I'm covered.
480
00:19:34,020 --> 00:19:36,155
Happy Valentine's Day!
481
00:19:36,223 --> 00:19:37,790
Right back at you.
482
00:19:40,627 --> 00:19:42,395
- Hey, lady.
- Aah!
483
00:19:42,463 --> 00:19:43,496
[ Electricity crackling ]
484
00:19:43,564 --> 00:19:45,765
Oh, my gosh!
485
00:19:45,833 --> 00:19:47,166
I'm so sorry!
486
00:19:47,234 --> 00:19:51,838
I'm so... you... you scared
the crap out of me, Ryan!
487
00:19:51,905 --> 00:19:53,840
[ Strained ]
I haven't checked yet, but...
488
00:19:53,908 --> 00:19:56,075
I think I'm in the same boat!
489
00:19:56,543 --> 00:19:57,777
Kristin, you okay?
What happened?
490
00:19:57,845 --> 00:19:59,445
Oh, God!
491
00:19:59,513 --> 00:20:02,215
Uh, no, I... [ Chuckles ]
I accidentally tased Ryan.
492
00:20:03,384 --> 00:20:04,817
He's fine.
You... you should go.
493
00:20:04,885 --> 00:20:07,320
No, stick around!
494
00:20:07,388 --> 00:20:09,722
Give me 5 minutes
to get up to my feet,
495
00:20:09,790 --> 00:20:11,824
and then I'm gonna
kick your ass!
496
00:20:11,892 --> 00:20:14,661
Ryan, honey, nothing is going on
between me and John, okay?
497
00:20:14,728 --> 00:20:15,828
Yeah, th-that's right.
498
00:20:15,896 --> 00:20:18,665
There's no way
I can compete with you.
499
00:20:18,732 --> 00:20:20,733
Oh, honey, flowers?
Baby!
500
00:20:28,568 --> 00:20:32,505
Customarily, at this point
in the Valentine's festivities,
501
00:20:32,573 --> 00:20:37,510
the man and the woman
retire to the bedchamber.
502
00:20:37,578 --> 00:20:39,846
[ Inhales sharply ]
503
00:20:39,914 --> 00:20:41,014
But I know how you feel
504
00:20:41,082 --> 00:20:43,850
about mandatory
romantic gestures, so...
505
00:20:44,168 --> 00:20:45,768
Hey, hey, say no more.
506
00:20:45,836 --> 00:20:47,036
This is one area
507
00:20:47,104 --> 00:20:49,305
where Mike Baxter
and "St. Valentine" agree.
508
00:20:49,373 --> 00:20:50,306
Hmm.
509
00:20:50,374 --> 00:20:51,708
Let's go to bed.
Mm-hmm.
510
00:20:51,775 --> 00:20:54,010
[ Both groan ]
511
00:20:58,782 --> 00:21:01,584
You know, Mike, these flowers
really are beautiful.
512
00:21:01,652 --> 00:21:03,620
You act tough,
but you're a softy.
513
00:21:03,687 --> 00:21:05,121
Not a word I'd like used
to describe me
514
00:21:05,189 --> 00:21:06,823
in this present situation.
515
00:21:08,559 --> 00:21:11,494
But a little romance is not
the worst thing in the world.
516
00:21:13,230 --> 00:21:15,298
That is the worst thing
in the world.
517
00:21:17,067 --> 00:21:21,004
Oh, that's that cute boy Justin
from Junior ROTC!
518
00:21:21,071 --> 00:21:23,840
Two soldiers kissing...
thank you, Obama.
519
00:21:27,945 --> 00:21:29,813
[ Banging on door ]
520
00:21:30,860 --> 00:21:35,394
Sync & corrections by Alice
www.addic7ed.com
38237
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