Original subtitles

Okay, no, you look young in photos.

I swear I'm always saying that about you.

Oh, my God, have we already been talking two hours?

Hey, you know where we've never made love?

Oh!

Sorry, it's your mom, and she says try the laundry room.

Okay. All right. Bye, Mom.

Weird talk. Love you.

Aw, thank you so much, Irene.

Oh, I can't wait to tell David. Okay, all right, talk soon.

You know those crazy people who love their in-laws?

That's me.

- Honey, guess what. - Mm?

Your parents are gonna come into town for Hanukkah.

Yeah, they want to throw a little gathering...

You know, family a few friends.

They're gonna come here? That's great.

Wait, they're coming here? That's not great.

We are not ready for that.

We go there, we amp up the Judaism so they think we're more observant.

But if they're coming here...

David's right... my mother-in-law is super into her culture.

So we lean into it for her benefit.

Yep, you're right.

- We've got work to do. - We do.

Okay, let's start with the kids.

- They're great liars. - Good point. Okay.

Hey, guys. Guys, guys, guys.

Listen up. Okay.

- Yeah. - Hey.

No.

Lily, you remember the prayer we say

before Shabbat dinner when we go to Nana and Pop Pop's house, right?

Do I remember the what before the what now?

Shabbat, dummy.

Shabbat's the little beanie hat that won't stay on, you schmuck.

You're a schmuck, schmuck.

All right, well, at least they know one word of Hebrew.

- That's not Hebrew. - Okay.

_

All right. We are pulling out all the stops to convince my in-laws

their grandkids are growing up in a culturally rich Jewish-ish home.

All right, you guys, repeat after me.

- Good. - Barack la-blah gla blah la la?

Not as good.

Wow, their Hebrew's almost as bad as their Hindi.

We are asleep at the cultural wheel.

We got to get better at this stuff.

Okay, honey, I would love to do better,

but who's got the time?

I mean, we're barely getting through the basics.

Have you seen how long the baby's nails are?

Oh, yeah, I used them to open mail the other day.

Ooh! I am gonna put this bad boy up.

I'm gonna get my tools. No, I'm gonna glue it.

Hey, you guys, come help me glue the mezuzah.

- Sure. - All right.

Transforming our home is easy.

The hard part is my mom.

She doesn't even know my in-laws are coming.

And if she knew we put this much effort

into David's parents' culture, she might call us out.

What's with the candelabra, Liberace?

How do you walk so softly?

I've got to take your key back.

So now you care about holidays.

What about Diwali?

We celebrated Diwali.

- Oh, yeah? - Yeah.

You lit one diya, ordered takeout,

and half-assed a prayer.

You're always too busy for our traditions.

Suddenly you have plenty of time for Hanukkah?

God, she's sharp.

I got to flush her ginkgo biloba.

Think, Emet, think.

What? Hanukkah?

Oh, is that what this is for? Oh, no, no, no.

See, I thought this was just a fancy candleholder,

and you know me, I can't resist a good sale.

Hmm. Everybody tells me I have a gambling problem.

But you're the one with the problem.

You are a shopaholic addict.

Truth.

Okay, she can keep her gingko,

'cause that was pretty easy.

Here you go, guys. Take that.

- Free bacon? - Yeah.

Hell, yeah.

Yeah. Did a pork sweep.

My in-laws are coming, so I'm Jewish this week.

I don't think they even mind bacon,

but why take the chance? God, I'm stressed.

Yeah, 'cause you're lying.

No. 'Cause I could get caught lying...

by my mom.

Living a double life is tricky.

And I should know.

I'm pretending to be an American at the moment

to try and woo the new girl, Amelia.

Oh, man, I would marry her tomorrow.

I'd marry her brains out.

- Chewey? - Yeah?

Girls love English accents.

Yeah, but she's English.

And you know the old saying.

You can't impress a vicar with a Bible verse.

- That's not a saying in any country. - Nope. Nowhere.

Anyway, she likes American blokes.

So, as long as I'm not outed, I should be fine.

Plus, I've got Griff and Norman here.

- They've got my back. - Oh, yeah.

No, I'm actually very uncomfortable with this.

So see you later!

All right, here she comes.

Well, howdy, Amelia.

All right, all right, all right.

Hey, sweet McConaughey, bro.

Living a double life seemed like a lot of work,

so I decided to just get my mom out of the picture.

What are you doing?

We are watching "That is Them."

No, I know. Guys, listen.

I won a raffle last night at GamePunch

for a three-night vacation, but I can't go.

Kids, work, you know how it is.

I thought you guys could go.

I don't have the energy to travel.

I take care of your kids.

Do you know how exhausting it is to be a mother of three?

Oh, that's right... you don't,

because I do it.

Okay, no problem.

I'm sure I can find somebody else

to go to Deuces Gone Wild Spa and Casino

to see Paula Abdul perform.

Oh, Sonny.

Get my lucky visor.

Ooh, I love Paula.

But, darling, with your sometimes uncontrollable

enthusiasm for games of chance,

can we afford it?

Oh, did I not mention the room comes with a $300 comp to the casino floor?

Straight up, now tell me all the details.

Who am I hurting really?

My mom and dad get a little vacation,

and I get my perfect Jewish holiday.

♪ We wish you a merry Hanukkah ♪

♪ We wish you a merry Hanukkah ♪

Wait, that's a Christmas song.

I better do more research.

David's parents were on their way

and the house looked great.

Uber's coming around the corner right now.

- Okay. - You know, I'm not the natural-born

liar that you are.

You sure they're gonna buy this? They're gonna buy this, right?

Yes, of course. Look, Jewish cultural signifiers, check.

- Okay. - More food

- than anyone can eat, check. - True.

Tiny Indian-woman-sized weight off my shoulders,

check.

Yeah.

Hi!

- Hi, guys! - Hello.

Oh, it's so good to see you.

- Hi. - Hey!

- Good to see you. - Hi, baby.

Give me that baby.

- Try and lift me. - No.

- I've lost four pounds. See if you can tell. - No.

- I can tell just by looking at you. - Okay.

Oh, my gosh.

- Dad? - Oh, here give him to me.

- Dad, help me. - Sure, sure.

Emet, look at you, my God.

That dress makes me believe in red again.

Oh, Irene.

Oh, that comment makes me believe in myself again.

My mother asked if it came with a time machine

because I could only pull it off 20 years ago.

- She said that? - Yeah.

Maybe she has a tumor.

My aunt said all kinds of things when she had a tumor.

- I'll get you the name of her doctor. - Okay.

Look at my son.

I made a handsomer David than Michelangelo.

- Pop Pop! - Hey!

- Nana! - Hey, guys!

- Aw. - Lily-billy.

Oh, look at the hair on this one.

You look like Joey Ramone.

You know, Joey Ramone was Jewish.

Not a lot of people know that.

Okay. Time to show off

Lily and Louie's fake Hebrew-school training.

So, Lily, Louie,

how do we say hello to Nana and Pop Pop?

"Shamone"!

"Shamone"? That's Michael Jackson.

It's shalom, Louie. Look alive, man.

"Shamone" right back at ya.

Now, you know what sustained our people for thousands of years?

Humor... and carbohydrates.

Shall we make it to the kitchen?

- Oh, yes. - To the bagels! All right.

- Bagels! - Whew, "shamone."

No, screw the director's notes. The level-three gorgon caves

will have moving tentacle vines... I said it.

Whoa! Somebody's confident today.

I am.

It's 'cause my in-laws are so supportive.

You know what I mean? It's really good for my self-esteem.

And how's your actual mother taking all this?

I don't know. I shipped her ass off to a casino.

Chewey, how's your lie going?

Too well. She wants to go on a date.

We're going to her house, and she's cooking for me.

That's great.

Sounds like she might be interested in engaging with you sexually.

And that's the problem.

Sure, I can keep up this American-guy ruse

in the streets, but in the sheets?

Oh-ho-ho, that's a different ballgame.

No, no, no, no, no, I make love like my true British self...

tenderly, thinking about the Queen.

All right!

- Little pre-dinner nosh. - Wow. Yum.

- Diet starts Monday. - Or never.

- Emet? - Yeah.

I was gonna wait to do this, but...

I can't stop eating these latkes, so who knows how long I'll be alive?

As you know,

every year I make brisket for the first night of Hanukkah.

This year I would like to pass that tradition on to you.

I want to give you

our family's secret brisket recipe.

Oh, Irene.

Oh, I'm so touched.

I'm getting very emotional. This is huge.

Emet...

I think of you as the daughter I never had.

Oh.

Especially since David's brother married that witch of a...

Oh, let's stay in the Hanukkah spirit, Irene.

You're right.

The light filters through me.

But she was deliberately cruel.

- I agree. - Yeah.

The worst.

Did you hear that?

She thinks of me as a daughter.

I know, it's like we're brother and sister.

Oh, I regret saying that.

Ew.

That's weird... I'm getting a credit card alert

- from a Deuces Gone Wild Casino. - Okay.

Ugh, now my mom's charging her gambling to the room.

Man, she has a problem.

And I have a problem if she finds out my in-laws are in town.

So you sent them to a casino with our credit card?

Okay, David, I could not let my mother ruin all of this.

Oh, and they just spent $120 at the in-casino CVS.

Imagine how long that receipt's gonna be.

Oh, please don't make me disappoint

the one mother who's actually proud of me.

I got the brisket recipe.

You've had it too good for too long,

- so you don't appreciate it. - I do too.

My whole bar mitzvah speech was about appreciation,

and my parents said it was one of the greatest speeches

they have ever...

Okay, I hear your point.

Yeah, and if my mother takes me down, you're going down with me,

and then your parents are gonna find out you're not

the perfect Jewish golden boy that you pretend to be.

You are on a high pedestal, man, and it is a long way down.

Emet.

Yeah, I do not want that to happen.

- I'm my mother's masterpiece. - Great.

So let's keep up the ruse and just cap her at $500.

Okay. How about $650? I really like my pedestal.

- Fair. - Yeah.

♪ Let's start lighting that menorah ♪

♪ Let's start, Hanukkah is here ♪

♪ It's like Christmas, but seven nights more ♪

♪ The lights will burn on ♪

♪ The pounds we'll put on ♪

Aw.

See how great this is going?

I was right to send my parents away.

Oh, I just feel so sad that your parents aren't here.

Oh, oh, I know, I know,

but they just couldn't change their schedule.

They so wanted to be here,

but you know Indians and their strict concept of time.

No, I don't.

But do you know there are tribes in New Guinea

where the women eat their dead husbands' bodies

to gain their virility... What a world.

I did not know that.

Emet, you know, it seems like

we've just seen your parents so little since the wedding.

Maybe we should FaceTime them.

Wait, wait, wait, I got to get some lipstick.

Um...

Quick, change the subject.

Uh, you know what I have always regretted?

Is that we didn't have a Jewish wedding.

So we didn't get to break a glass.

I didn't get lifted on a chair.

It all just sounds so fun, you know?

Well, it's never too late.

David.

- It's showtime. - Oh-ho-ho!

We'll do it right now.

That's what I wanted.

If I die, you're my favorite.

- One... - Two, three.

- Careful. - Whoa!

♪ Don't stop lifting up the chair ♪

♪ Don't stop... ♪

- I'm next! - No, I'm next!

Okay, you get to go next.

♪ Don't stop lifting up the chair ♪

♪ Don't stop ♪

♪ Lifting up the... ♪

Shalom.

Oh!

The power of the universe...

I was just saying how lovely it would be to see you.

Let's go to the patio and catch up.

Oh, Emet, doll, could I bother for a blanket?

Don't want a chill.

Oh, yes, absolutely. I'll bring one out.

Okay.

You never give me blankets.

And I'm constantly having a chill.

Okay, well, I can't help you with that, Mother.

It's coming from your insides. Anyway, how was Paula Abdul?

I don't know.

We left early for a much better show...

our daughter starring in a live version of "Yentl."

Okay, I don't know what you're talking about.

Oh, yes, you do.

Happy Hanukkah!

Here's a blanket. Oh, have some rugelach.

Maya, sorry to interrupt,

but in your life,

have you ever had a flakier rugelach?

I have not.

All right, fine.

So we put on a little show for David's parents.

Is that so wrong? It makes Irene happy.

Well, you fake it for Irene, but you don't for me?

Yeah, Ma, because she appreciates it.

Oh. I didn't know that you don't feel appreciated by me

- but you do by Irene. - Yeah, I do.

I mean, she says, like, six or seven nice things to me a day.

Does she have a tumor?

My friend Cecile says weird things,

and she has a tumor.

Okay, beta. I heard your words.

And I'll think on it.

Thank you.

Now, in the spirit of the holidays,

can't we just go pretend to be a good Jewish family?

Fine. Happy fake Hanukkah.

I'll take it. Okay.

Mm.

Oh, thank you, darling.

I brought you some tea.

Come on, Maya.

So what if Emet's immersing the kids in their Jewish roots?

It's good for them.

And even we haven't been that diligent about teaching them our Hindu culture.

Most of our lessons are in front of the spice rack

at the supermarket.

Oh, Googaloo.

You always see the bright side of things.

But I've been thinking.

And I've decided

this is a culture war.

And I must win.

Are you sure this isn't about Emet's affection for Irene?

Okeydokey.

Happy wife, happy life.

Mm.

The Hanukkah party was only days away,

and I was gonna go above and beyond to make Irene proud,

starting with the brisket.

Mmm. It's...

Ooh, it's good.

- It's not good enough. - Oh.

Good is not good enough for this Hanukkah party.

I'm gonna keep trying until I get it great.

♪ Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel ♪

♪ I made it out of clay ♪

Oh, look at that spin.

You guys, you've got those powerful Sweetzer wrists.

Oh, looks like the gelt's all yours.

Yes! Whoo!

What, nothing for Pop Pop?

Chocolate coins are fine.

But in Hindu tradition,

we give out real gold.

Think of how much chocolate you can buy with that.

Who wants to hang some Hanukkah lights?

- Uh, I do. - Yes, it's the festival of lights.

- I know. - Hanukkah lights.

Hanukkah is a festival of lights.

But what about our festival of lights... Diwali?

Your parents don't make a big enough deal about it,

but in India, we throw down with a bang.

I'm talking fireworks, baby.

- Look. - My God.

- Shall we go to the park? - Yes!

With the Hanukkah party a night away,

I was gonna show Irene just how excited I was.

Okay.

Oh, oh, my...

Oh, wow.

Wow.

I never would have thought of this.

But I love it.

I think you two must have been

four or five years old the last time we celebrated Holi properly.

It's the Hindu celebration of spring.

What do you say to a paint fight

with every color you can imagine?

It'll blow your socks off your brains, man.

Dang.

Guys, I need your help.

Amelia is on a rampage.

Look, I was so nervous about getting called out in the sack

that I sort of stood her up for our date last night.

Where is Emet, all right?

I need to warn her that misrepresenting yourself

can be very, very dangerous.

Right here.

What are you wearing? What is that, a muumuu?

Just settle down, it's a roomy tunic.

I was bonding with my mother-in-law,

and she took me shopping for some party outfits.

You, sir,

are the most rude, disgusting,

ill-mannered, inconsiderate man I've ever met.

Oh, snap.

That's so American of you.

Meet me in the supply closet in five.

Okay, well, I'm gonna sneak out the back door and walk home.

Well, I'm going to the supply closet and ask if she wants a real American.

Oy vey, I got to go.

It's almost sundown.

I hate it here.

It's the night of the party.

The room is buzzing, and the guest list is a real who's...

alive.

Okay! Anyone for one last jelly doughnut?

- Oh, me, me! - Here you go.

No, thanks. They look a little dry.

All right. Jakey's asleep.

Brisket time. Where are the other ones?

Louie, Lily, let's go, brisket time.

Come on, why isn't anybody eating?

- Let's go. - Yeah, don't wait for the kids.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa, - I just want to make a toast.

I would like to thank David and Emet

for making such a lovely Hanukkah.

It really means...

so much to me.

Those are happy tears.

Oh, Irene.

Now I'm getting verklempt.

Does that mean nauseated?

Then I'm verklempt, too.

Try to enjoy yourself.

Oh, trust me, I will soon.

And this year our Emet made the brisket,

and she even attempted a tzimmes,

which if anybody's tried it knows how difficult that is.

What the hell is going on?

I buy mine now and then just say I made it.

The kids decided

that they wanted to celebrate their other culture, too.

Happy Holi.

What did you do?

- Don't worry about it. - This is so much fun.

- Awesome. - Hey, hey!

What are you guys doing?

You are supposed to be inside ready for the Hanukkah party!

Grandma reminded us we haven't celebrated Holi

in a very long time.

Yes, because it is messy and we have new patio furniture, okay?

We will celebrate next spring. Just get inside.

This party is important to Nana and Pop Pop.

Sorry, Mom. Call me when you light a menorah

and it shoots up into the sky and explodes.

I can actually end you.

- Hello. - Hi.

What is so important that it interrupted my toast?

- Sorry, it's just... - Oh, the kids are celebrating Holi...

that's from my culture...

because I won the war.

Oh, I have dreaded this moment since the first day we met.

What... what's she talking about? What war?

She's in a war for cultural dominance. I can't take it.

Maya, their god commands them to eat jelly doughnuts.

How can we fight such a glorious god?

Stay out of this. This is not about religion.

It's about culture.

When I come home and find my grandchildren

fully immersed in your traditions,

it's a slap in the face to me and all my ancestors.

- Mom... - What about my ancestors?

How do you think my dead mother...

may she rest in peace...

felt when she had to see David get married without a rabbi?

The only reason we agreed to an Indian wedding

was because Emet promised to raise the kids Jewish.

Wait, what?

Hey, that's what you think.

They fake it for you.

They're only Jewish two weeks of the year,

and that's when you're around.

What?

- David! - Hold on, in all fairness,

most of the Jews we know are only Jewish two weeks a year, right?

Mom, I had one week where I wasn't trying to make you happy

and people were lifting me up... Actually, by the way,

lifting me up, in a chair.

And you couldn't even let me have that.

You want to celebrate our culture?

- Great, let's do it. - No, no, no!

- Oh! - What?

What? That's how it works, right?

We just throw the colors at each other.

- That's true, so take that! - Oh, my God.

I can't believe that you've been lying to me all this time.

Go ahead, do it. You know you want to.

Holi is also about losing all your inhibitions.

- Mom, no. - Let it rip, baby.

- She's not... - Mom...

Oh, Mom! The light is flowing through you!

- Love this. - Ma.

I cannot believe that you guilted Emet

'cause we wanted an Indian wedding!

Oh, do not disrespect your mother!

I don't know why I did that, but I'm going to do it again!

I loved our Indian wedding. I rode a horse.

Best holiday ever!

Get the kids!

- What are you doing? - This is a holiday?

Yeah, you better move.

My God, I didn't think that Indian woman

would do a good job with the brisket.

This is melting in my mouth.

Benny, did you taste?

Melting.

How do you like that?

Oh, beautiful.

Now light a diya for Diwali.

It was a few weeks ago.

Oh, lovely.

All right.

Mwah.

Listen, we are sorry.

We did not want to lie to you.

We just didn't want to disappoint you.

Oh, it's okay, honey... I understand

the whole "mother-in-law disappointment" hooplah.

Let me just say I'm really glad Max's mother is dead.

As am I.

Every holiday was like trying to keep two bats

from gnawing each other's ears off.

Look, the truth is we both get so caught up

with everything that's going on in our lives,

we kind of half-ass both cultures.

Yeah, but we can do better, right?

I mean, like, this was pretty cool.

- Yes. - I mean, maybe we can celebrate

whatever the hell this holiday was every year.

- I don't know. - Yeah.

I call it Diwanukkah.

Oh!

- We like that. - I like it, too.

Diwanukkah lives!

Happy Diwanukkah!

Happy Diwanukkah.

- synced and corrected by sot26 - www.addic7ed.com