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1
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Kids, back on the falls of 2007
2
00:00:02,500 --> 00:00:04,100
I was dating the girl named...
3
00:00:04,300 --> 00:00:05,700
Oh God, what was her name?
4
00:00:05,800 --> 00:00:08,300
It's been 23 years,
I can't remember all this stuff.
5
00:00:08,400 --> 00:00:10,100
For the sake of the story,
let's call her...
6
00:00:10,100 --> 00:00:11,500
Everyone, this is Blahblah.
7
00:00:11,900 --> 00:00:13,200
Please, call me Blah.
8
00:00:15,000 --> 00:00:16,400
So, Blah, how did you two meet?
9
00:00:16,500 --> 00:00:19,000
Well, I was taking this
cooking class,
10
00:00:19,000 --> 00:00:21,900
French Fusion, and everyone
already had a partner,
11
00:00:21,900 --> 00:00:24,500
but then I looked up
and across a crowded room,
12
00:00:24,600 --> 00:00:26,900
I saw Ted. It was magical.
13
00:00:26,900 --> 00:00:30,100
It was so magical.
14
00:00:30,300 --> 00:00:31,200
Except it wasn't.
15
00:00:31,700 --> 00:00:34,600
She's going to tell some bogus
story about a cooking class
16
00:00:34,700 --> 00:00:37,000
because she's embarrassed
we met online.
17
00:00:37,100 --> 00:00:39,200
- Ai Chihuahua!
- What?
18
00:00:39,500 --> 00:00:41,000
What? There's no stigma anymore.
19
00:00:41,000 --> 00:00:42,000
Oh, there's a stigma.
20
00:00:42,000 --> 00:00:44,500
That's why people always say,
"There's no stigma anymore."
21
00:00:44,900 --> 00:00:46,900
- So, she's hot?
- Oh, she's gorgeous.
22
00:00:46,900 --> 00:00:48,200
Then she's crazy.
23
00:00:48,200 --> 00:00:49,200
No, she's not.
24
00:00:49,300 --> 00:00:53,200
Ted, the only hot girls that troll
the Internet for dudes are crazy,
25
00:00:53,300 --> 00:00:55,100
hookers, or dudes.
26
00:00:55,500 --> 00:00:59,000
Okay, she's not crazy.
She's not a hooker. She's not a dude.
27
00:00:59,000 --> 00:01:01,800
There's this guy I pass on my way
to work every day who's all three...
28
00:01:01,800 --> 00:01:03,000
scares the crap out of me.
29
00:01:04,000 --> 00:01:06,800
There is no way she is above
the line on the Hot/Crazy scale.
30
00:01:06,800 --> 00:01:08,600
She's not even on
the Hot/Crazy scale.
31
00:01:08,600 --> 00:01:09,700
She's just hot.
32
00:01:09,800 --> 00:01:11,400
Wait. "Hot/Crazy scale"?
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00:01:11,500 --> 00:01:12,600
Let me illustrate.
34
00:01:13,900 --> 00:01:15,600
A girl is allowed to be crazy
35
00:01:15,700 --> 00:01:18,100
as long as she is equally hot.
36
00:01:19,500 --> 00:01:22,700
Thus, if she's this crazy,
she has to be this hot.
37
00:01:22,800 --> 00:01:26,200
If she's this crazy,
she has to be this hot.
38
00:01:26,400 --> 00:01:29,600
You want a girl
to be above this line,
39
00:01:29,700 --> 00:01:32,300
also known
as the Vickie Mendoza Diagonal.
40
00:01:32,400 --> 00:01:35,300
This girl I dated, she played
jump rope with that line.
41
00:01:35,400 --> 00:01:37,800
She'd shave her head,
then lose ten pounds.
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00:01:38,000 --> 00:01:41,000
She'd stab me with a fork,
then get a boob job.
43
00:01:41,500 --> 00:01:43,100
I should give her a call.
44
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How I Met Your Mother 3x5
- How I Met Everyone Else -
45
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Okay, so please, just play along
with her fake story.
46
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We met in a cooking class.
47
00:02:01,200 --> 00:02:02,200
I don't know, Ted.
48
00:02:02,300 --> 00:02:04,000
I don't know if I can
just play along
49
00:02:04,100 --> 00:02:06,300
with your crazy girlfriend's
fake story.
50
00:02:06,400 --> 00:02:08,300
Now, if you had said
fake breasts...
51
00:02:08,300 --> 00:02:10,300
She's not crazy.
52
00:02:10,400 --> 00:02:12,400
Okay. We'll see.
53
00:02:13,000 --> 00:02:16,200
Long story short, thank goodness
I'm such a bad cook,
54
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or I never would have met Ted.
55
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Oh, crazy how cute that is.
It's crazy.
56
00:02:23,500 --> 00:02:25,500
You know who else has a really
cute story of how they met?
57
00:02:25,500 --> 00:02:28,100
Marshal and Lily. You guys should
tell that story, right now.
58
00:02:28,600 --> 00:02:31,900
All right. But spoiler alert.
It ends with everyone saying, "Aw!"
59
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- Aw.
- Starts with it, too.
60
00:02:35,100 --> 00:02:37,500
When you've been a couple
as long as Marshal and Lily,
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telling the how-we-met story
becomes a choreographed dance.
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00:02:40,700 --> 00:02:43,300
It was late August, 1996.
63
00:02:43,300 --> 00:02:45,600
Lily and I were both
freshman moving into...
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00:02:45,600 --> 00:02:47,000
- Hewitt Hall.
- Hewitt Hall.
65
00:02:47,100 --> 00:02:49,500
And she needed some help
setting up her stereo.
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00:02:50,500 --> 00:02:55,000
For some unknown reason,
I felt drawn to room 110.
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00:02:55,000 --> 00:02:58,900
As if she knew that someone
very special was behind that door.
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00:02:59,100 --> 00:03:01,400
And as fate would have it...
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00:03:01,500 --> 00:03:03,100
...that someone...
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00:03:03,200 --> 00:03:04,800
...was Marshall.
71
00:03:05,100 --> 00:03:07,800
- It was love at first sight.
- It was love at first sight.
72
00:03:07,900 --> 00:03:09,100
- Hi.
- Hi.
73
00:03:09,800 --> 00:03:12,800
- Aw...
- I know, right?
74
00:03:13,300 --> 00:03:16,000
Now, they perfected that story
over hundreds of tellings.
75
00:03:16,100 --> 00:03:17,800
The first time Marshall
told it to me,
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00:03:18,000 --> 00:03:19,000
it was a little different.
77
00:03:19,600 --> 00:03:21,700
Dude, this black-haired
Goth chick stopped by today.
78
00:03:21,800 --> 00:03:23,800
Want to tap it.
79
00:03:25,600 --> 00:03:27,700
You guys are so lucky.
80
00:03:27,800 --> 00:03:29,300
You know, when Ted and I
were cooking
81
00:03:29,400 --> 00:03:31,200
and our hands touched
for the first time,
82
00:03:31,300 --> 00:03:34,000
I knew right then that after class
he would take me up on the roof,
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00:03:34,100 --> 00:03:36,000
kiss me and give me a rose.
84
00:03:36,100 --> 00:03:37,800
Which he did!
85
00:03:38,700 --> 00:03:42,400
- Say, "Aw."
- Aw.
86
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I know, right?
87
00:03:44,200 --> 00:03:46,400
I'll get the next round,
okay, guys?
88
00:03:51,300 --> 00:03:53,900
Anybody would be stressed out
meeting new people.
89
00:03:54,400 --> 00:03:55,600
She's not crazy.
90
00:03:55,900 --> 00:03:58,600
Crazy-generous maybe,
buying us drinks.
91
00:03:59,000 --> 00:03:59,900
Shut up.
92
00:04:03,400 --> 00:04:05,800
So we know how Marshal
and Lily met.
93
00:04:05,800 --> 00:04:07,300
Robin, how did you and Barney meet?
94
00:04:08,900 --> 00:04:12,400
No...
No, no, no, no.
95
00:04:12,500 --> 00:04:16,200
No, no, no, no.
No, no, no.
96
00:04:16,400 --> 00:04:19,100
No. Barney and I
are not together. No.
97
00:04:19,500 --> 00:04:20,200
No.
98
00:04:20,900 --> 00:04:23,500
Really? 16 no's?
Really?
99
00:04:24,500 --> 00:04:26,700
- So you're... single?
- Yeah.
100
00:04:27,400 --> 00:04:31,100
Oh. So, pretty and, single and,
friends with Ted.
101
00:04:31,500 --> 00:04:32,400
Great.
102
00:04:35,400 --> 00:04:37,600
You know who else is friends
with Ted? Marshall.
103
00:04:37,900 --> 00:04:40,800
How did we meet? It was a good story.
I'm going to tell it, right now.
104
00:04:40,900 --> 00:04:42,300
Uh, it was the first
day of college.
105
00:04:42,900 --> 00:04:44,900
Kids, to understand this story,
you need to know
106
00:04:45,000 --> 00:04:48,600
that your Uncle Marshall was doing
something that lots of college kids do.
107
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How do I say this?
108
00:04:50,100 --> 00:04:52,300
He was, uh...
109
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let's say, eating a sandwich.
110
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Dude, I heard the dean is coming.
Put out your sandwich.
111
00:05:10,700 --> 00:05:12,500
Good afternoon, sir.
112
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- I'm Marshall Erickson.
- "Sir"?
113
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No, please, just call me Ted.
114
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Okay,
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Dean Ted.
116
00:05:21,900 --> 00:05:23,700
Someone's been eating a sandwich.
117
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What? No. Really?
118
00:05:26,500 --> 00:05:29,900
I don't know 'cause I don't even
know what sandwiches smell like.
119
00:05:30,000 --> 00:05:32,600
My parents are going to donate
a lot of money to this school.
120
00:05:34,300 --> 00:05:36,700
So you're bottom bunk;
that's cool.
121
00:05:36,800 --> 00:05:38,800
I wanted the top bunk anyway.
122
00:05:39,000 --> 00:05:40,200
What do you mean?
123
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I'm you're new roommate.
124
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So unfair.
125
00:05:47,100 --> 00:05:49,600
I didn't realize Ted wasn't the dean
until later that night.
126
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You're not the dean.
127
00:06:00,000 --> 00:06:01,500
College... good times.
128
00:06:01,500 --> 00:06:03,900
Oh, I get it. Ted told you
I didn't go to college,
129
00:06:04,000 --> 00:06:06,600
so now you're giving me a cute,
little backhanded slap.
130
00:06:07,100 --> 00:06:08,400
Oh, here we go.
131
00:06:08,700 --> 00:06:12,600
Well, while you were busy majoring
in being freakin' beautiful,
132
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I was starting
my own line of handbags.
133
00:06:14,900 --> 00:06:17,500
Your own line of handbags?
That's crazy.
134
00:06:17,600 --> 00:06:21,300
These have sold in Japan. Robin,
have you ever sold anything in Japan?
135
00:06:21,500 --> 00:06:25,300
Uh, no. But I would love
to buy one of them, if...
136
00:06:25,400 --> 00:06:26,600
Where can I get one?
137
00:06:27,100 --> 00:06:29,600
I don't have a distributor here yet,
but than for rubbing that in.
138
00:06:29,700 --> 00:06:32,100
Why are you trying
to undermine me in front of Ted?
139
00:06:32,900 --> 00:06:35,300
Look, there's nothing going on
between me and Ted.
140
00:06:35,600 --> 00:06:37,700
Wow, that just...
came out of nowhere.
141
00:06:37,900 --> 00:06:40,400
No, I'm just saying that you
have nothing to worry about.
142
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I wasn't worried.
Are you saying I should be?
143
00:06:42,600 --> 00:06:44,200
No, I'm saying
that you shouldn't be.
144
00:06:44,300 --> 00:06:47,400
Oh, good, 'cause I'm not.
Now, Robin, can you just let it go?
145
00:06:47,400 --> 00:06:49,600
You're making all of us
really uncomfortable.
146
00:06:50,300 --> 00:06:51,700
You know what else is
a good story?
147
00:06:51,800 --> 00:06:54,100
How Barney and I met.
Barney, tell that story,
148
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right now, please.
149
00:06:56,400 --> 00:06:57,500
Okay, Ted.
150
00:06:57,700 --> 00:06:59,800
This is a crazy story.
You're going to love it.
151
00:07:00,800 --> 00:07:03,200
Tonight's the first time I'm taking my
deaf brother out
152
00:07:03,400 --> 00:07:05,000
since our mom died.
153
00:07:05,500 --> 00:07:08,100
- Oh, I'm sorry about that.
- No, that's okay.
154
00:07:08,600 --> 00:07:10,400
I have to take care
of him now.
155
00:07:11,000 --> 00:07:12,100
Of course,
156
00:07:12,200 --> 00:07:15,800
I have had to put my dreams
on hold in order to do it, but...
157
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I'm happy to.
158
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He's my brother
and I love him.
159
00:07:22,500 --> 00:07:24,600
I'm sorry,
it's all still so fresh.
160
00:07:25,300 --> 00:07:27,700
Well, man, I'm, uh...
I'm really sorry.
161
00:07:29,700 --> 00:07:31,000
Wow, you bought that?
162
00:07:31,600 --> 00:07:32,400
What?
163
00:07:32,800 --> 00:07:34,400
I just made that up
in mid-pee.
164
00:07:34,500 --> 00:07:36,000
If it worked on you,
it's definitely going to work
165
00:07:36,000 --> 00:07:37,900
on the blonde chick
at the end of the bar.
166
00:07:38,700 --> 00:07:40,600
Unless you're a total idiot.
What's your name?
167
00:07:41,500 --> 00:07:43,500
- Ted.
- Are you a total idiot, Ted?
168
00:07:43,800 --> 00:07:45,900
Well, I'm still having
this conversation, so...
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Well played.
170
00:07:50,400 --> 00:07:51,500
I like you, Ted.
171
00:07:52,700 --> 00:07:55,200
Ted, I'm going to teach
you how to live.
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00:07:56,200 --> 00:07:58,000
Barney.
We met at the urinal.
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00:07:58,100 --> 00:08:00,400
- Oh, right. Hi.
- Lesson one:
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00:08:00,800 --> 00:08:02,800
Lose the goatee;
it doesn't go with your suit.
175
00:08:02,900 --> 00:08:03,900
I'm not wearing a suit.
176
00:08:04,000 --> 00:08:05,300
Lesson two: Get a suit.
177
00:08:05,400 --> 00:08:07,600
Suits are cool...
Exhibit A.
178
00:08:08,600 --> 00:08:11,600
Lesson three: Don't even think about
getting married until you're 30.
179
00:08:12,100 --> 00:08:13,100
And lesson four:
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Be totally silent for
the next five minutes.
181
00:08:15,000 --> 00:08:16,200
Hey, Audrey.
182
00:08:16,300 --> 00:08:18,600
Uh, this is
my deaf brother, Edward.
183
00:08:19,200 --> 00:08:20,500
Edward!
184
00:08:21,100 --> 00:08:23,300
This is Audrey!
185
00:08:24,200 --> 00:08:27,200
You know, I actually know
some sign language.
186
00:08:29,200 --> 00:08:32,100
"Hi, my name is Audrey."
187
00:08:32,100 --> 00:08:33,800
"Nice to meet you."
188
00:08:34,400 --> 00:08:35,500
He doesn't sign.
189
00:08:35,900 --> 00:08:37,900
He's embarrassed by his hands.
190
00:08:38,000 --> 00:08:39,700
They're tiny...
and lady-like.
191
00:08:40,200 --> 00:08:42,100
"I'm Edward."
192
00:08:42,100 --> 00:08:43,700
"Nice to meet you to."
193
00:08:43,800 --> 00:08:47,700
What? You...
are over your hand issues.
194
00:08:47,700 --> 00:08:49,100
It's about time.
195
00:08:50,000 --> 00:08:53,600
"My brother's a great guy."
196
00:08:53,700 --> 00:08:56,600
"You shoul give him
your phone number."
197
00:08:59,600 --> 00:09:01,700
Here. Call me.
198
00:09:07,500 --> 00:09:10,200
And even though that girl ended
up giving me a fake number,
199
00:09:10,300 --> 00:09:13,600
I knew that Ted and I would be
each others wingmen forever.
200
00:09:14,100 --> 00:09:16,000
Barney, it's
time you knew, um.
201
00:09:16,000 --> 00:09:17,800
That story actually goes
a little bit differently.
202
00:09:18,400 --> 00:09:19,700
"He's lying to you."
203
00:09:19,800 --> 00:09:22,200
"Just give him a fake number."
204
00:09:26,300 --> 00:09:28,300
Great. Funny.
205
00:09:28,500 --> 00:09:31,200
God, with a wingman like Ted,
I might need to resort to
206
00:09:31,200 --> 00:09:33,800
meeting someone in a super,
desperate and lame way,
207
00:09:33,900 --> 00:09:35,300
like online.
208
00:09:38,200 --> 00:09:39,200
Online.
209
00:09:41,300 --> 00:09:43,600
- Online.
- Oh, my God! You told them?!
210
00:09:44,000 --> 00:09:46,500
Okay, yes, I told them.
But it's not a big deal.
211
00:09:46,500 --> 00:09:48,700
Lots of people meet
on the Internet.
212
00:09:48,800 --> 00:09:51,000
That whole scene, a stranger
across a crowded room thing...
213
00:09:51,100 --> 00:09:52,200
that only happens in the movies.
214
00:09:52,300 --> 00:09:53,700
Yeah, that never happens.
215
00:09:53,700 --> 00:09:56,500
Oh, wait, except you and Robin.
That's how you guys met, right?
216
00:10:02,500 --> 00:10:03,500
Wait,
217
00:10:04,000 --> 00:10:05,300
you guys dated?
218
00:10:05,900 --> 00:10:07,700
- For how long?
- A year.
219
00:10:08,700 --> 00:10:11,700
But don't worry.
The relationship wasn't that good.
220
00:10:11,700 --> 00:10:13,500
By the end,
it was mostly about sex.
221
00:10:14,400 --> 00:10:16,400
Which was not that good.
222
00:10:16,700 --> 00:10:19,300
But I was the problem.
I'd just lie there.
223
00:10:19,700 --> 00:10:21,400
Ted is, uh, very good.
224
00:10:21,500 --> 00:10:24,400
I'm sure he will get you
where you need to go.
225
00:10:27,000 --> 00:10:28,500
Can I buy your bags online?
226
00:10:28,900 --> 00:10:31,700
Oh, oh, I see what's
going on here, Ted.
227
00:10:31,800 --> 00:10:33,700
I'm just some random girl
to make Robin jealous,
228
00:10:33,700 --> 00:10:34,800
and after she takes you back,
229
00:10:34,800 --> 00:10:36,400
you probably won't
even remember my name.
230
00:10:36,600 --> 00:10:39,000
Come on, Blahblah,
it's not like that.
231
00:10:40,500 --> 00:10:41,800
Well, we're closing in
on the half.
232
00:10:41,900 --> 00:10:44,000
Let's see how Blahblah is doing
on the Crazy/Hot scale.
233
00:10:45,500 --> 00:10:48,700
She started the night here,
but as the night's progressed,
234
00:10:48,700 --> 00:10:51,200
she's gotten crazier
but no hotter,
235
00:10:51,300 --> 00:10:54,600
which has caused her to drift
across the Mendoza Diagonal
236
00:10:54,700 --> 00:10:58,200
and dangerously close
to the Shelly Gilespie Zone.
237
00:10:58,400 --> 00:10:59,700
Another girl I dated...
238
00:10:59,800 --> 00:11:02,100
she gained 20 pounds and tried
to kill me with a brick.
239
00:11:03,200 --> 00:11:04,600
I'm sorry I didn't tell you,
240
00:11:04,700 --> 00:11:06,800
but seriously, there's nothing
going on with me and Robin.
241
00:11:06,800 --> 00:11:09,300
Then why has she been trying
to undermine me all night?
242
00:11:09,400 --> 00:11:11,900
I mean, look at her.
She's laughing at me right now.
243
00:11:15,600 --> 00:11:17,500
I'm sorry, it's just...
244
00:11:17,600 --> 00:11:20,200
you know, Lily and Marshall's story
is so romantic.
245
00:11:20,200 --> 00:11:22,600
I just wish we had
something like that.
246
00:11:22,600 --> 00:11:25,000
Well, their story's not
as magical as it seems.
247
00:11:25,200 --> 00:11:26,400
What do you mean?
248
00:11:26,800 --> 00:11:29,600
No, I, I can't, it's,
it's kind of a secret.
249
00:11:29,800 --> 00:11:32,000
Well how about I tell you a little secret
250
00:11:32,000 --> 00:11:34,500
about what you
might get to do later tonight?
251
00:11:41,500 --> 00:11:43,500
The night before Lily met Marshall
there was this party.
252
00:11:50,600 --> 00:11:51,600
You a freshwoman?
253
00:11:51,600 --> 00:11:54,100
I never use the word "freshman."
Sexist.
254
00:11:54,500 --> 00:11:57,700
Yeah, I'm a first year.
I'm in Hewitt 220.
255
00:11:58,100 --> 00:12:01,300
No way. Hewitt 110.
You should totally come by.
256
00:12:01,400 --> 00:12:04,000
Maybe I will, Hewitt 110.
257
00:12:04,100 --> 00:12:09,600
Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug!
Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug!
258
00:12:14,100 --> 00:12:15,800
Look at these drunk idiots.
259
00:12:16,300 --> 00:12:17,800
Hey, don't drink
their two dollar beer.
260
00:12:18,400 --> 00:12:19,500
This is a pinot noir.
261
00:12:20,100 --> 00:12:21,000
From Europe.
262
00:12:25,600 --> 00:12:27,400
- Oh, it's fruity.
- Yeah,
263
00:12:27,700 --> 00:12:29,800
I cut it with some cranberry juice.
It was pretty strong.
264
00:12:32,500 --> 00:12:34,600
So, uh...
do you have a girlfriend?
265
00:12:34,900 --> 00:12:35,700
Yeah.
266
00:12:36,400 --> 00:12:38,600
Not sure about the whole
"long distance" thing, though.
267
00:12:39,000 --> 00:12:39,900
It's like Descartes says.
268
00:12:40,500 --> 00:12:43,300
"In order to determine whether there is
anything we can know with certainty,
269
00:12:43,800 --> 00:12:46,000
we first have to doubt
everything we know."
270
00:12:46,800 --> 00:12:48,000
You know?
271
00:12:54,400 --> 00:12:56,800
But as drunk as she was, when
she woke up the next morning,
272
00:12:57,400 --> 00:13:00,500
she still remembered room 110.
That's why she knocked on the door.
273
00:13:00,600 --> 00:13:03,600
- She was looking for me.
- Oh, my God.
274
00:13:03,600 --> 00:13:07,100
Yeah, and in all these years, Lily and
I have never even spoken about it,
275
00:13:07,100 --> 00:13:08,500
so again, mum's
the word, okay?
276
00:13:08,900 --> 00:13:10,300
You have to tell Marshall.
277
00:13:10,800 --> 00:13:12,900
No, if, if he heard that,
it would destroy him.
278
00:13:14,800 --> 00:13:18,200
If you don't tell him...
...I will.
279
00:13:18,900 --> 00:13:20,400
Oh, come on, you wouldn't.
280
00:13:27,500 --> 00:13:29,700
So, Lily,
how did you and Ted meet?
281
00:13:30,600 --> 00:13:32,100
Come on, Lily, the real story.
282
00:13:32,100 --> 00:13:34,000
I don't think anyone wants
to hear that story.
283
00:13:34,100 --> 00:13:37,100
Aw, don't be embarrassed, Ted,
it was a long time ago.
284
00:13:38,300 --> 00:13:40,400
And I made a huge mistake
last night,
285
00:13:40,400 --> 00:13:41,800
but it's like
Descartes says.
286
00:13:42,100 --> 00:13:45,100
"In order to determine whether there is
anything we can know with certainty,
287
00:13:45,100 --> 00:13:47,200
we first have to doubt
everything we know."
288
00:13:49,000 --> 00:13:51,800
And I now know for certain
that I love you, Karen.
289
00:13:52,700 --> 00:13:54,400
Anyway, call me back
when you get this.
290
00:13:55,600 --> 00:13:59,000
I'm also going down to the computer
center to send you an electronic mail.
291
00:14:03,700 --> 00:14:07,100
- This is Lily.
- No, no, I'm sorry, but I love Karen.
292
00:14:09,200 --> 00:14:11,800
Yes, that is the unabridged
story of how Lily and I met.
293
00:14:11,800 --> 00:14:13,700
How embarrassing.
Who wants another round?
294
00:14:13,700 --> 00:14:16,400
- That's not the story. Ted, tell 'em.
- Tell us what?
295
00:14:16,400 --> 00:14:18,400
Um, Lily, will you help us get
the next round?
296
00:14:20,000 --> 00:14:22,800
- Ted, what's going on?
- She knows about us,
297
00:14:22,900 --> 00:14:26,200
- about how we really met.
- Yeah, I know, I just told her.
298
00:14:26,300 --> 00:14:28,900
No, the real story.
299
00:14:29,000 --> 00:14:30,700
Ted, what are you
talking about?
300
00:14:30,800 --> 00:14:33,300
Lily... come on.
301
00:14:33,600 --> 00:14:35,000
Come on, what?
302
00:14:35,200 --> 00:14:37,800
Lily... come on.
303
00:14:38,500 --> 00:14:40,900
Ted, I honestly don't know
what you're talking about.
304
00:14:41,000 --> 00:14:43,800
Lily... come on.
305
00:14:45,100 --> 00:14:48,300
I know that you and Ted made out
the night before you met Marshall.
306
00:14:48,700 --> 00:14:49,900
What?
307
00:14:50,000 --> 00:14:52,800
- Ted and I never made out.
- Yeah... we did.
308
00:14:52,900 --> 00:14:56,700
I only made out with one other guy
in college before I met Marshall,
309
00:14:56,800 --> 00:15:00,700
and it was just some random dude.
I, I don't even remember his name.
310
00:15:00,700 --> 00:15:02,600
I just call him
Too Much Tongue Guy.
311
00:15:02,700 --> 00:15:04,700
What? Too Much Tongue Guy?
312
00:15:04,700 --> 00:15:05,900
Well, I'm not surprised to hear that
coming from
313
00:15:06,000 --> 00:15:08,100
Unreasonably Small Mouth
Opening Girl.
314
00:15:08,500 --> 00:15:09,700
That wasn't me.
315
00:15:09,700 --> 00:15:12,200
Yes, it was, at the
freshman orientation party.
316
00:15:12,300 --> 00:15:15,500
No, no, no, no, no.
317
00:15:15,600 --> 00:15:19,500
No, no.
No, no, no, no, nooo!
318
00:15:20,600 --> 00:15:22,000
How much fun is this?
319
00:15:22,100 --> 00:15:24,700
All of us reminiscing
about how we met me?
320
00:15:24,900 --> 00:15:27,200
Robin, have I told you
how I met Marshall?
321
00:15:27,300 --> 00:15:30,000
- Uh, yeah, like five or six ti--
- It was right over there.
322
00:15:30,700 --> 00:15:33,500
Here's your problem.
You've only slept with one woman.
323
00:15:33,600 --> 00:15:35,900
Those kind of stats
are only okay if you're 11,
324
00:15:36,300 --> 00:15:39,200
but tonight
we're getting you a new girl
325
00:15:39,400 --> 00:15:42,100
because, Marshall Eriksen,
from this moment on,
326
00:15:42,300 --> 00:15:44,900
I make all your decisions for you.
327
00:15:45,800 --> 00:15:48,000
I'm sorry, who,
who are you again?
328
00:15:48,900 --> 00:15:51,100
This is Barney, I met
him the other day.
329
00:15:51,100 --> 00:15:52,200
He's kind of a jackass.
330
00:15:52,200 --> 00:15:53,900
I'm teaching Ted how to live,
331
00:15:54,000 --> 00:15:56,600
and, lucky you, I have room
for one more student.
332
00:15:56,700 --> 00:15:58,500
Think of me as Yoda,
333
00:15:58,700 --> 00:16:02,200
only instead of being little and green,
I wear suits and I'm awesome.
334
00:16:02,600 --> 00:16:05,100
I'm your bro.
I'm Bro-da.
335
00:16:05,500 --> 00:16:08,000
And tonight,
you're going to use The Force
336
00:16:08,100 --> 00:16:10,800
to get the hottest chick
in this bar into bed.
337
00:16:11,000 --> 00:16:12,600
He's going to use force?
338
00:16:12,600 --> 00:16:14,500
'Cause that sounds
wrong, Bro-da.
339
00:16:15,100 --> 00:16:18,400
No, The Force.
It's a Star Wars reference.
340
00:16:18,500 --> 00:16:20,400
So we should make lots of
Star Wars references around girls.
341
00:16:20,500 --> 00:16:21,800
That's what you're saying?
342
00:16:21,800 --> 00:16:23,800
I'm not going to cheat
on my girlfriend.
343
00:16:23,900 --> 00:16:27,400
Yes, you are, with the hottie
that just walked in.
344
00:16:27,500 --> 00:16:28,900
Look at her.
345
00:16:29,000 --> 00:16:32,000
How much hotter
is she than your girlfriend?
346
00:16:33,300 --> 00:16:35,300
There's no comparison.
347
00:16:35,400 --> 00:16:37,400
What do you think, Ted?
Should I go for it?
348
00:16:37,500 --> 00:16:40,100
Don't do it, man.
I mean, think about Lily.
349
00:16:40,600 --> 00:16:42,100
You know what?
I don't care.
350
00:16:42,200 --> 00:16:45,500
I've been with one woman for too long.
I need me some strange.
351
00:16:46,000 --> 00:16:49,000
Yes! Yes!
Pep talk.
352
00:16:49,300 --> 00:16:52,200
You can do this,
but to be more accurate,
353
00:16:52,200 --> 00:16:53,800
you probably can't.
354
00:16:54,000 --> 00:16:56,800
You're way out of practice and
she is way too hot for you,
355
00:16:56,900 --> 00:16:59,800
so remember, tonight
isn't about scoring.
356
00:17:00,000 --> 00:17:02,600
It's about believing
that you can do it
357
00:17:02,700 --> 00:17:04,900
even though
you probably can't.
358
00:17:05,600 --> 00:17:07,200
Go get 'em, tiger.
359
00:17:16,200 --> 00:17:18,500
Poor guy's going
to crash and burn.
360
00:17:22,200 --> 00:17:24,500
That man is a god.
361
00:17:25,900 --> 00:17:28,300
For like a week after,
Barney followed me around
362
00:17:28,300 --> 00:17:30,100
asking me
to teach him how to live.
363
00:17:30,200 --> 00:17:32,300
I even got him
to do my laundry once.
364
00:17:32,600 --> 00:17:34,500
I thought it was a Mr.
Miyagi kind of thing.
365
00:17:35,700 --> 00:17:38,700
Marshall, I need to talk to you.
Can we go somewhere in private?
366
00:17:38,800 --> 00:17:40,400
Yeah, of course.
What's wrong?
367
00:17:40,500 --> 00:17:41,800
Lily and Ted made out.
368
00:17:42,000 --> 00:17:43,700
What do you think of that,
Robin?
369
00:17:44,500 --> 00:17:45,800
What are you talking about?
370
00:17:45,800 --> 00:17:49,700
You know that guy I made out with
at the freshman orientation party?
371
00:17:49,800 --> 00:17:51,400
Too Much Tongue Guy, yeah.
372
00:17:51,500 --> 00:17:54,400
And you know that girl I made out with
at the freshman orientation party?
373
00:17:54,500 --> 00:17:57,100
Unreasonably Small
Mouth Opening Girl, yeah.
374
00:17:57,700 --> 00:17:58,600
I'm Too Much Tongue Guy.
375
00:17:58,700 --> 00:18:01,300
And I'm Unreasonably
Small Mouth Opening Girl.
376
00:18:01,700 --> 00:18:03,700
Worst superheroes ever.
377
00:18:04,100 --> 00:18:06,600
Oh, baby, I am so sorry.
378
00:18:06,900 --> 00:18:08,100
I don't think
you need to be.
379
00:18:08,100 --> 00:18:10,600
I was at that party.
It was dark and, granted,
380
00:18:10,600 --> 00:18:13,000
I had eaten quite a few
sandwiches, but,
381
00:18:13,100 --> 00:18:16,300
I'm 100% sure that Unreasonably
Small Mouth Opening Girl
382
00:18:16,300 --> 00:18:18,300
was Alexa Leskeys, not Lily.
383
00:18:18,600 --> 00:18:19,600
- Really?
- Yeah,
384
00:18:19,700 --> 00:18:23,500
I'm positive, and Too Much Tongue
Guy was Colin O'Reilly.
385
00:18:23,600 --> 00:18:24,900
Are you sure?
386
00:18:25,000 --> 00:18:28,000
If it wasn't, I peed in the wrong
guy's shampoo, man.
387
00:18:30,900 --> 00:18:32,900
You don't really
believe that, do you?
388
00:18:32,900 --> 00:18:34,900
You swore it was Lily.
389
00:18:37,500 --> 00:18:39,200
I guess I made a mistake.
390
00:18:39,900 --> 00:18:41,300
Must have been Alexa.
391
00:18:42,600 --> 00:18:44,300
Another girl, Ted?
392
00:18:44,700 --> 00:18:46,400
Who haven't you made out with?
393
00:18:46,700 --> 00:18:48,300
You know what?
I don't need this.
394
00:18:48,300 --> 00:18:50,400
I design handbags,
I'm writing a memoir,
395
00:18:50,400 --> 00:18:52,700
I'm a superstar,
this is totally my year.
396
00:18:52,700 --> 00:18:55,400
Someday the name Blahblah
will be up in lights.
397
00:18:55,400 --> 00:18:58,500
And, Ted, next time you're online
playing World of Warcraft,
398
00:18:58,500 --> 00:19:01,000
don't even think
about chatting with me.
399
00:19:04,800 --> 00:19:07,100
World of Warcraft?
400
00:19:07,500 --> 00:19:09,400
The online
role-playing game?
401
00:19:09,400 --> 00:19:12,600
That's how you two
"met online"?
402
00:19:13,600 --> 00:19:17,100
"We shoul grab some
coffee sometime..."
403
00:19:17,400 --> 00:19:20,200
"Yes, we should."
404
00:19:20,200 --> 00:19:21,900
"What's your name?"
405
00:19:22,300 --> 00:19:24,400
"Ted. What's yours?"
406
00:19:25,000 --> 00:19:26,500
Yeah, it's a really...
it's a cool game.
407
00:19:27,300 --> 00:19:28,700
So suffice it to say,
408
00:19:28,700 --> 00:19:31,200
Blahblah did not turn out
to be your mother,
409
00:19:31,300 --> 00:19:33,400
and as for the girl
I made out with at the party,
410
00:19:33,500 --> 00:19:36,800
there wasn't a doubt in my mind
that was your Aunt Lily.
411
00:19:36,800 --> 00:19:40,200
But, you know, that magical story
of how she and Uncle Marshall met,
412
00:19:40,300 --> 00:19:43,100
it was worth preserving,
so I kept my mouth shut.
413
00:19:43,200 --> 00:19:45,100
I guess I made a mistake.
414
00:19:45,500 --> 00:19:46,900
Must have been Alexa.
415
00:19:47,000 --> 00:19:48,200
Until...
416
00:19:48,200 --> 00:19:51,400
our 20th college reunion
when I ran into...
417
00:19:51,600 --> 00:19:53,400
Alexa Leskeys.
418
00:19:53,500 --> 00:19:57,200
So, Ted, remember
the last time we were here?
419
00:19:58,000 --> 00:20:00,000
You and me?
No idea.
420
00:20:00,300 --> 00:20:02,400
Ted... come on.
421
00:20:03,900 --> 00:20:06,100
Freshman year,
we were both pretty drunk?
422
00:20:14,000 --> 00:20:15,500
That was you?
423
00:20:16,600 --> 00:20:18,800
Lily, we never made out.
424
00:20:18,900 --> 00:20:19,700
I know.
425
00:20:20,200 --> 00:20:22,900
So I am not Too
Much Tongue Guy.
426
00:20:23,100 --> 00:20:25,800
- Actually...
- No.
427
00:20:30,900 --> 00:20:33,900
Look what I've confiscated
from some kids.
428
00:20:35,100 --> 00:20:38,400
- That is a fat sandwich.
- I know, right?
429
00:20:45,100 --> 00:20:50,000
Chew, chew, chew,
chew, swallow.
430
00:20:53,500 --> 00:20:55,400
Oh, that's all right,
honey.
431
00:20:55,400 --> 00:20:57,600
Sandwiches are strong
these days.
432
00:20:57,700 --> 00:21:00,800
I can't believe I used to be able to eat
a whole sandwich by myself.
433
00:21:00,900 --> 00:21:03,300
Now it's like two
bites and I am done.
434
00:21:03,800 --> 00:21:06,500
Baby, can we grow sandwiches
behind the garage?
435
00:21:06,600 --> 00:21:08,300
Dude, we're 42.
436
00:21:10,500 --> 00:21:13,900
W-W-Where's my wife?
33701
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