All language subtitles for How.I.Met.Your.Mother.S03E04.720p.HDTV.X264-MRSK

It was Saturday night
in New York City,

and the young metropolit
was out on the town,

living the kind of crazy lifestyle
you can only find in the Big Apple.

- 97.
- 97.

- 98.
- 98.

- 99.
- 99.

100!

A hundred? We only got to 82
on our honeymoon.

So, Robin?
I've got a guy for you.

- He's cute. He's funny. He's smart.
- What's his "but"?

What do you mean?

When someone wants
to set you up,

they always tell you
their good qualities first, but

then they leave out
their huge flaw.

She's totally hot
and really fun.

But she has a dead tooth.

She's super-hot,
and she's so successful.

But she has a pug that
she pushes around in a stroller.

She's so cute,
and she's so smart.

But her last boyfriend had
to get a restraining order against her,

and then his cat and new vacuum
cleaner both went missing.

Wow! Set it up!

I'm still convinced she
killed my turtle.

Hey, you know what?
Not every setup has a "but."

What about, um, Jamie, that girl
that Lily set you up with?

She was really nice.

If memory serves me,
she had a huge "but."

Her huge butt.

Nailed it!

Well, there's nothing wrong
with this guy.

He's really nice,
and he's really cute...

But?

Fine.

But he has a kid.

Aha! There it is! Robin's not
going out with a guy with a kid.

But the guy is really great,
and his kid's sweet.

- He's in my class.
- It doesn't matter. Robin hates kids.

I don't hate kids.

You told me even when you
were a kid, you hated kids.

Robin, will you watch
cartoons with me?

I go to school all week.

Can't I just have
five minutes to myself

to read Highlights and
drink my juice?

Okay, yes, kids are not my favorite
thing in the world,

- but I like them.
- Well, you don't want to have them.

I like sports cars,

but it doesn't mean I want to
push a Ferrari through my vagina.

Shotgun.

You can't blame us for thinking
that the kid would be a problem.

I mean, if we were friends
with Garfield,

we wouldn't set him up
on a date with Mondays.

You know what?
The kid is not a problem.

I want to meet this guy.

- Okay. That's awesome!
- Yeah.

Hey, what's my "but"?

You know, I'm a...
I'm really nice, but...

But she's afraid of commitment.

But she's a gun nut.

But she's Canadian.

But she didn't like Field of Dreams.

- I can't think of...
- You don't have a "but."

How I Met Your Mother 3x04
- Little Boys -

Okay. I've got it.

Here. Put on this eye patch.

- Why?
- The ultimate ice-breaker.

A bunch of cobras got loose
in Central Park.

You and I are jogging...

training for the Death Valley Iron Man.

No big deal.
We do it every year.

Suddenly,

we see these snake bastards

sneaking towards a little baby.
Not on our watch.

You grab the kid, I strangle
six cobras with my bare hands.

Women of New York,
one at a time, please.

So what are the eye patches for?

- We got bit.
- On the eye?

Yes.

Both of us?

They're different eyes.
I don't know see why this bumps you!

Patch up!

So Robin went on a date
with George,

the guy with the kid,
and afterwards...

Okay, here's the thing.

George is a great guy.
We had a wonderful date.

But?

Great. I can't wait
to meet him.

"Can't wait to meet him"?

Why did I say that?
I don't want to meet his kid.

Well, you knew you'd meet him
sooner or later.

Oh. I was just hoping
for later, like

in 20 years when I'm a cougar
and he's as hot as his dad.

Robin, what's the big deal?
He's just a kid.

He's not going to bite.

He may bite.
We're working on biting.

Why is this kid around anyway?
Shouldn't he be with his mom?

I mean, what kind of lawyer
does this guy have

if he has to take care
of the kid all the time?

A good one.
He won full custody.

He won?! He won?

Oh, God, getting the kid
is winning, isn't it?

Don't tell anyone I said that.

I'm going out
buying eye patches.

What are you doing
to help score chicks?

Okay, I'm going to let you in
on a little secret.

People with real game don't
need eye patches.

Theodore. No, no, no.

You can't spell "game"
without "me",

and "me" has the best game.

Yeah, well, I got so much game,
I'm Cornish game hen.

Oh, yeah? I'm the New York State
gaming commissioner.

Well, I'm The Game.
Well-crafted,

keep-you-guessing thriller starring
Michael Douglas and Sean Penn.

You're here
and not in stall two.

Yeah. So?

I may have made some

wildly inappropriate homoerotic comments
to a gentleman wearing your shoes.

- Okay, Marshall?
- Yes.

Which one of us has more game?

Neither of you guys has
any game, right?

Or else you'd be married
like me.

What?

If dating is the game,
then marriage is winning the game.

Yeah. If you're playing
in the women's league.

You're joking.
I have mad game, brah.

One: we agreed not
to ever say "brah" anymore.

It was a good week,
we had a lot of fun, but it's over.

Two: you've been with Lily
for 11 years.

Your idea of good game is

slapping on a Dr. Seuss hat and flashing
two tickets to a Spin Doctors concert.

Yeah, I hate to say it, buddy, but, uh,
you're kind of irrelevant.

What? I am not irrelevant.

I know tons of stuff.
I can help you guys.

I don't want to be left out.

Ted, you do not have
more game than me.

By sheer numbers alone, I win.
Come on, dude. You've seen my list.

You guys want to hear one of my lines?

First of all, I did not ask to see
that list, and I am still horrified.

And true game
is about quality, not quantity,

and a quality girl would pick me
over you any day.

Are you a model?

That one's good because
it's flattering. To the girl.

Ted, I challenge you
to a picking up girls Olympiad.

- Fine.
- There will be 26 events

spread out over 11 weeks.

We will travel to a neutral city
where a panel of international judges...

Or we could just choose a girl,
and the first one to seal the deal wins?

That's good, too.

How about her?

You're on.

Before we start, why don't we jot down
a few basic ground rules?

Okay, great. Rule #1:
no eye patches or props of any...

One time, I was with this girl,
and I tried that model line,

and I totally got
some over-the-shirt boob action

in the "Just Say No" assembly.

Man, just stop.
You're bumming everybody out.

Rule #2: this bet is
for one million dollars.

- I win.
- How?

Oh, I slept with her.
About a year ago. I just forgot.

Oh, well, that doesn't count.
The bet started the moment we shook.

But I can't sleep
with her again. She hates me.

Oh. Interesting. Look who just took
a commanding lead.

Now with you out of the picture,
I can take my sweet time.

- Ted, she's leaving.
- Get out of my way.

By the look of those shoes,
here comes your bathroom buddy.

Look who's got game.

So, you're a big kids person, huh?

Only the biggest ever.

I think kids are so great,

especially, um, the little ones.

You know, uh... pudgy,
can't sit up, don't have teeth yet.

- You mean babies?
- Yeah, I like that kind.

- Well, Doug's almost six, so...
- Oh, six is great.

Oh, you are going to love six.

Six is when they, uh,
they really start to, um...

I hate kids.

Excuse me. What?

I mean, I don't hate kids.
I'm-I'm just not a kid person.

I mean, yeah, it's cute that
their shoes are real little,

but beyond that, what's the draw?

You must think I'm nuts.

What? No, no, no. I...
So you don't like kids, so what?

And I'm not looking
for a mother for Doug.

Uh, why don't we just hold off
on you meeting him?

Yeah. Let's take things slow.

And kids, that's exactly
what she did.

Then, on a totally different day that
was definitely not the next morning,

Aunt Robin had to face
her worst fear.

- Hey, what's up?
- It's here, Lily.

It's looking at me.

The kid. What do I do?

Just talk to him.
You can do this, Robin.

Who are you?

- Um, I'm Robin.
- That's a bird's name.

Ah, no, it's not.
It's actually a type of bird.

My friend Patrick has a parakeet
named Robin, so there.

- Do you want to talk in Morse code?
- Dude, I'm-I'm just reading my paper,

- so...
- Beep.

Beep-beep-beep.

Beep. Beep. Beep...!

I'm starving.
Will you make me cereal?

Sure.

What are you doing?
You're supposed to pour the milk first.

What?! No, you pour the cereal first so
you know how much milk you need.

It tastes better milk first!

It all tastes the same
once it's in the bowl.

Why are you wearing
my dad's pants?

Milk first it is.

What are you reading?

The business section.

The Fed's going to lower rates again
to bail out these sub-prime lenders.

Bunch of idiots.

Ms. Aldrin says it's not nice
to call people names.

Well, maybe if they weren't such idiot
I wouldn't have to call them that.

That's what I said.

You're pretty cool.

You, too.

Meanwhile, Stacey and I
had started dating.

Oh, Stacey was the girl
from the bar.

Anyway, I was close to winning the bet
when something unexpected happened.

I started to really like her.

Well, have fun in yoga.

She's strengthening her core.

I think that's going
to be good.

Yeah? All right.

After a while, crocodile.

You see this?

Game face.

Whatever, Ted.

Oh. Get this. She plays bass
in a reggae band.

They're having a show this Friday.
How cool is that?

Oh, does she know that one song?

Mm-mm, chaka, mm-mm, chaka.

What's that song called?

Oh, right.
It's called every reggae song.

- I am not irrelevant.
- What?

I ran the numbers.

If Lily and I have sex
twice a week,

which let's be honest,
we all know is being conservative,

and we've been together
for ten years,

plus 17 more times
on the honeymoon,

minus the two-week drought when
I said the checker at the grocery store

reminded me of a young Lily,

then we have had sex
a total of...

- wait for it...
- Nice.

1,053-1/2 times.

My mom called once.

But that's more times
than Barney has ever had sex,

and to your point, Ted,
Lily is a quality girl.

I win. Lawyered.

Doesn't count.

- It totally counts.
- You're right. It does count.

It counts as one.
You've had sex once. How was it?

I still matter.

Okay, Ted, go win the bet.

You have my blessing.
She's a wonderful girl.

I should know.

Oh, okay.
Ok, I see what you're doing.

We've never shared a woman,
have we, Ted? Isn't that funny?

You're with her now.
I was with her a year ago.

You figure, for her,
that's like 200 showers ago.

You've got to ask yourself, Ted,
"Is 200 enough?"

You know what?

I don't mind.

No, of course you don't mind.

Just like the second guy to climb
Mount Everest didn't mind

getting all the way to the top only
to find Sir Edmund Hillary's flagpole

thrust into its supple peak.

No, I'm sure when you're with her,
I'll be the furthest thing from your mind.

Kissing what I've already kissed,

nuzzling what I've already nuzzled,

going... (blubbering) on what
I've already gone (blubbering) on.

Barney, I'm not afraid
of catching your cooties, 'kay?

Really? Ted's not afraid of cooties?

Okay, well, then I guess
you'd have no problem

- having a sip of my gin and tonic.
- Fine.

And I only stirred that
with my pinky.

Guess who loves Robin.

Kids. Kids love Robin.

Doug thinks I'm pretty cool.

Really, that's great!
You and George, all thanks to me.

Yeah, I'm going to have
to break up with him.

- What?
- Well, it's just...

it's getting a little bit
too serious with the kid.

You know, it's just not
what I'm looking for.

So better I break it off now
before he gets too attached.

What?

I hate to tell you, but...

too late.

He drew it in class today.

Oh, crap.

There's no way
that's a picture of me.

That woman has on hoop earrings.
I don't even own hoop earrings.

I have one pair and they're gold.
Those are fruit loops.

You are so in denial right now

and you're doing what you always
do in relationships:

the second you get close to a guy,
you want to bail.

Okay, granted, he's six,
but the point stands.

Well, we'll ask the guys.

They'll tell you that's not me.

That's totally you.

Wh... you guys are crazy.

Hey, who drew the picture of Robin?

- It's not me.
- You're joking, right?

- It's not me!
- "My new mommy."

Kind of has a nice ring to it.

Hey, now that you're a mom,
are you going to start wearing

those totally awesome jeans
that go right up to your boobs?

Do you guys really
think this is me?

Honey, it's you.

And if you're going
to break up with George,

you have to break up
with his kid, too.

- Really?
- Yeah, you can't just abandon him.

You have to talk to him.

Come on, Robin, you know
it's the right thing to do.

Oh, man.

Doug was right: you are
a pain in the ass.

So I had a really
nice time tonight.

- Me, too.
- Yeah?

Hey, Ted, pucker up all you want,
but I was here first.

From this spot, I also launched
an expedition

to those two large ridges
down there.

Ted?

Something wrong?

- Hey, Doug.
- Are you here to see my dad?

He's taking a shower.

Actually, I came to see you.

I wrote a poem.
Do you want to hear it?

Sure. Why not?

"To my new mommy.

"You are pretty.

"You are nice.

- And you smell like daisies."
- Aw, that is so sweet.

Even though it doesn't rhyme.

Look, uh, Doug.

There's no good way
to say this, uh...

Aunt Robin didn't know
what to say.

This kid has never been
dumped before.

But then she realized...

this kid had never been
dumped before.

She could use every clich�
in the book.

We need to talk.

I just think, um, we both could use
some space right now.

It's not you. It's me.

Look, I know this hurts,
but you deserve someone better.

I'm just really trying to focus
on my career right now.

You know?

I just hope we can
still be friends.

Hi.

I'm Brooke. I'm here
for my date with George.

You must be the babysitter.

I had so much coffee earlier. I need
to run to the loo, but hey, Dougie.

What the hell was that?

That was my new mom.

So... this picture is not of me?

- Why would I draw a picture of you?
- Wha...?

How many dates has she been on
with your dad?

Two.

I've been on, like, five and
you like her better?

We just really connected.

And what about me?

You think I just go around pouring
cereal for every boy in town?

Why are you getting
so upset, Roberta?

Robin. My name is Robin.

Like the bird, remember?

Whatever.

So that's it, huh?

- Look, you're great, but...
- Yeah.

There's always a "but."

Well, I couldn't do it.
I broke up with her.

Thanks a lot, by the way.
A beautiful, sexy girl

and all I could think about
was you being there first.

You were stuck in my head
like a Chumbawamba song.

Which Chumbawamba song?

Well, what an interesting
turn of events.

It looks like I'm going to win.

What do you mean "win"?
You couldn't even talk to her.

You tried and you got slapped.

That's what you think happened.

Okay, great, rule #1:
no eye patches or props of any ki...

Here's the deal: my friend just got
dumped, so he's a little shy,

but he'd love to buy you
a drink and get to know you.

The problem is, he thinks a pretty girl
like you won't go for a guy like him.

So would you slap me across the face so he can
see you're not into guys who'd feed you lines?

What do you say? For my friend?

You are so sweet.

So now, whatever nice things
Ted does for her, in her mind,

I'm the guy who's even
nicer than him.

So you never slept with her?

Not even at all.

Wow, that's good.

It gets better.

Remember Ted's phone conversation?

Well, have fun in yoga.

Well...

- I am...
- Sorry.

Stacey, right?

Yeah... oh, you're Ted's friend
from the bar, right?

Wait, don't tell me you go
to yoga here, too.

I do.

She plays bass in a reggae band.

...and then I'm going to head
out to a reggae concert.

I'm a huge fan of reggae.

Oh, my gosh!

I play in a reggae band.

No way.

I wonder why Ted didn't
tell me about that.

Like I said,
I'm a huge reggae fan.

Well... I should go inside.

After a while, crocodile.

- See you later, allig...
- See you later, allig...

We are two peas.

Wow, well, take care.

Um, namaste.

You are a sociopath.

And that was my yoga mat.

So now with Ted out of the picture,
I'm going to swoop in

and win the whole thing.

Why?

"Parce que j'ai le jeu, mes chiennes".

Translation:

"'Cause I got game, bitches."

No. No, this doesn't prove
anything because...

Hold on a second.

It's Stacey.

Hey, Stace?

What happened?

He did not!

Stay there. I'll be right over.

I should've just worn that
stupid eye patch.

Oh, I can't believe you got
dumped by a six-year-old.

Whatever. He's a stupid-head.

I'm just...
I'm done with kids.

Of course, Robin eventually
made her peace with kids.

And as you guys know,

she went on to appear in some
very important works of art:

yours.

Hey.

You know, I really appreciate

how cool you've been
about us taking things slow.

Since Ted, you know, I...

I don't really want
to get physical too fast.

That's what makes you
so special, baby.

Anyway, I am so psyched
to be playing Sunsplash tomorrow.

We go on sometime
between 11:00 and 6:00,

so you probably want to get there
before 9:00 just to be safe.

Oh... and it's gonna be muddy.