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1
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Edited at https://subtitletools.com
2
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Sorry, what kind of name is
'Nadby and Penlock Properties'?
3
00:00:41,759 --> 00:00:44,240
What? I don't know, it's just what
the company's called.
4
00:00:44,240 --> 00:00:45,679
'Nadby and Penlock'.
5
00:00:45,679 --> 00:00:49,280
They sound like a couple
of paedophiles. Very good.
6
00:00:49,280 --> 00:00:51,600
Er, why is Dad just
sitting in his car?
7
00:00:51,600 --> 00:00:54,359
Oh, yeah.
No top. Obviously.
8
00:00:54,359 --> 00:00:58,119
Is he asleep or just dead?
9
00:00:58,119 --> 00:01:02,119
Shall we? Mm.
10
00:01:02,399 --> 00:01:05,840
Argh! Argh!
CAR HORN HONKS
Bleeding hell!
11
00:01:05,840 --> 00:01:07,640
Morning!
Rise and shine!
12
00:01:07,640 --> 00:01:09,920
Bloody shits! You could've given me
a heart attack!
13
00:01:09,920 --> 00:01:11,439
Idiots.
14
00:01:11,439 --> 00:01:15,439
Well, get in then...
Really? Go on.
15
00:01:18,280 --> 00:01:21,319
Eurgh! What've you been eating in
here? Jesus!
16
00:01:21,319 --> 00:01:24,560
Oxtail soup.
Oxtail soup? In your car?
17
00:01:24,560 --> 00:01:27,079
Well, I couldn't eat soup
in the house any more.
18
00:01:27,079 --> 00:01:28,560
Oh, you wouldn't understand.
19
00:01:28,560 --> 00:01:30,439
She's driven you that mad,
then, has she?
20
00:01:30,439 --> 00:01:34,039
Bloody Val! Ten days that bloody
woman's been with us.
21
00:01:34,039 --> 00:01:35,640
Ten days! God.
22
00:01:35,640 --> 00:01:37,400
Parking her car on our drive,
23
00:01:37,400 --> 00:01:40,719
taking over the whole
bleeding house.
24
00:01:40,719 --> 00:01:42,079
HE SLURPS NOISILY
25
00:01:42,079 --> 00:01:44,560
She's only been rearranging all
the bloody furniture
26
00:01:44,560 --> 00:01:48,560
and chucking
all my stuff in the bin...
27
00:01:49,120 --> 00:01:53,000
Do you know what she threw away
today? What?
28
00:01:53,000 --> 00:01:54,319
This.
29
00:01:54,319 --> 00:01:56,319
What is it? No idea.
30
00:01:56,319 --> 00:01:59,920
But would you throw that away?
31
00:01:59,920 --> 00:02:03,079
Er, don't you think you've had
enough to drink tonight, Dad?
32
00:02:03,079 --> 00:02:06,879
Yes, I know she's going through a
divorce, but does she have to
come and live with us?
33
00:02:06,879 --> 00:02:08,800
Can't she just...
..live in her car?
34
00:02:08,800 --> 00:02:09,960
Yes!
35
00:02:09,960 --> 00:02:11,439
Or in the sea.
36
00:02:11,439 --> 00:02:15,439
Martin? Ooh, here we go.
37
00:02:16,000 --> 00:02:19,520
Can you please stop sitting in your
car all the time! Val's here.
38
00:02:19,520 --> 00:02:21,560
Is she? I hadn't noticed.
39
00:02:21,560 --> 00:02:24,000
Hi, boys.
BOTH: Hi, Mum.
40
00:02:24,000 --> 00:02:26,319
Come on, now. It's rude.
41
00:02:26,319 --> 00:02:28,800
Aren't you cold? I'm boiling.
42
00:02:28,800 --> 00:02:31,120
Boys, me and Auntie Val have been
having such a giggle.
43
00:02:31,120 --> 00:02:35,039
Yeah, Dad was just saying.
44
00:02:35,039 --> 00:02:37,719
Stick this in the bin for Auntie,
would you? No, you don't!
45
00:02:37,719 --> 00:02:38,920
Dad!
46
00:02:38,920 --> 00:02:42,199
My slippers! That bloody woman!
47
00:02:42,199 --> 00:02:43,520
Martin, they're revolting.
48
00:02:43,520 --> 00:02:45,400
They're like tramp's shoes!
49
00:02:45,400 --> 00:02:46,920
See what I'm talking about?!
50
00:02:46,920 --> 00:02:48,879
Not really.
They're here.
51
00:02:48,879 --> 00:02:51,319
Oh, yeah, Val's been so funny.
52
00:02:51,319 --> 00:02:52,599
In the head!
53
00:02:52,599 --> 00:02:54,199
Hello, boys.
54
00:02:54,199 --> 00:02:55,479
BOTH: Hello, Auntie Val.
55
00:02:55,479 --> 00:02:57,879
Well, aren't you going to give me
a kiss, then? Honestly!
56
00:02:57,879 --> 00:03:00,319
Uh-uh-uh! Shoes first! Then kiss.
57
00:03:00,319 --> 00:03:02,400
Pardon?! Take your shoes off.
58
00:03:02,400 --> 00:03:04,400
Um, we never take our shoes
off in this house.
59
00:03:04,400 --> 00:03:06,400
Well, now we do. Since when?
60
00:03:06,400 --> 00:03:09,919
Just obey...
61
00:03:09,919 --> 00:03:11,000
There.
62
00:03:11,000 --> 00:03:13,759
Now you can kiss Auntie.
63
00:03:13,759 --> 00:03:17,759
Good boys.
64
00:03:19,079 --> 00:03:21,240
Remember the rules, Martin...?
65
00:03:21,240 --> 00:03:23,680
Jah, mein Fuhrer.
66
00:03:23,680 --> 00:03:25,400
Sorry, which one's our mum again?
67
00:03:25,400 --> 00:03:26,439
Ow!
68
00:03:26,439 --> 00:03:30,439
Right! 20 seconds of freedom.
69
00:03:32,680 --> 00:03:34,759
Hey, Nick. Always your bloody phone.
70
00:03:34,759 --> 00:03:38,479
Shh, Mum. It's my boss!
71
00:03:38,479 --> 00:03:40,159
No, no, it's cool, Nick. It's cool.
72
00:03:40,159 --> 00:03:42,479
ADAM MIMICS: "No, it's cool, Nick.
It's cool."
73
00:03:42,479 --> 00:03:45,599
Yeah, yeah. I think I've got
the keys.
74
00:03:45,599 --> 00:03:49,599
Ow! Sorry. Glendale Road.
Glendale Road.
75
00:03:51,479 --> 00:03:53,639
Bloody go away!
76
00:03:53,639 --> 00:03:56,920
Not you. Got 'em.
I'll see you later.
77
00:03:56,920 --> 00:03:58,840
What are you doing?
Bye, Nick.
78
00:03:58,840 --> 00:04:01,280
ADAM MIMICS: "Bye, Nick!"
You're such a dick!
79
00:04:01,280 --> 00:04:03,439
I know. He's coming to pick up some
keys later,
80
00:04:03,439 --> 00:04:05,280
so you better not be
even more of a dick.
81
00:04:05,280 --> 00:04:07,680
Hmm. I'm not sure that's possible.
82
00:04:07,680 --> 00:04:09,599
Your new boss is coming here?
83
00:04:09,599 --> 00:04:12,120
What? Yeah.
84
00:04:12,120 --> 00:04:13,879
Freedom over.
85
00:04:13,879 --> 00:04:16,560
Martin, we're going to meet Nick
later!
86
00:04:16,560 --> 00:04:17,639
Nick Slater?
87
00:04:17,639 --> 00:04:21,639
Sorry? How exciting!
Meeting Jonnyboo's boss.
88
00:04:22,000 --> 00:04:23,720
Mum! You're not meeting Nick.
89
00:04:23,720 --> 00:04:25,560
He's just picking up some
keys for a flat.
90
00:04:25,560 --> 00:04:28,160
Yeah, I know.
He'll come in and say hello.
91
00:04:28,160 --> 00:04:29,279
What? No way!
92
00:04:29,279 --> 00:04:30,399
Sorry?
93
00:04:30,399 --> 00:04:33,920
You mean you don't want your boss to
meet your mother and father?
94
00:04:33,920 --> 00:04:35,600
Why don't you want him to meet us?
95
00:04:35,600 --> 00:04:37,319
Er...
96
00:04:37,319 --> 00:04:39,399
Martin! Dirty!
97
00:04:39,399 --> 00:04:41,639
Course he'll meet us...
98
00:04:41,639 --> 00:04:43,480
Is he dishy?
Urgh, Auntie!
99
00:04:43,480 --> 00:04:44,920
Cos I'm availabubble!
100
00:04:44,920 --> 00:04:47,920
"Availabubble"!
101
00:04:47,920 --> 00:04:51,920
Great. Do you think Nick Slater
would know what this is?
102
00:04:52,360 --> 00:04:54,439
Are you availabubble for some more,
madam?!
103
00:04:54,439 --> 00:04:58,439
Most availabubble!
104
00:04:58,920 --> 00:05:00,079
Well, come in, then.
105
00:05:00,079 --> 00:05:02,759
You sure we're allowed, or do
we have to take our socks off first?
106
00:05:02,759 --> 00:05:05,240
Uh. Funny, boys! Come in.
107
00:05:05,240 --> 00:05:08,079
Oh, and wash your hands. What!
We have to wash our hands now!
108
00:05:08,079 --> 00:05:11,439
Yes. You've come in from outside,
so now you wash your hands.
109
00:05:11,439 --> 00:05:14,959
Are we in some kind of prison camp?
110
00:05:14,959 --> 00:05:17,800
I'm excited about meeting your boss.
And so am I!
111
00:05:17,800 --> 00:05:19,199
So dead!
112
00:05:19,199 --> 00:05:22,199
Val's made the crumble tonight,
boys. Has she?
113
00:05:22,199 --> 00:05:24,360
Oh, we'll be having a lovely dinner.
114
00:05:24,360 --> 00:05:26,160
And will we be allowed to
sit at the table?
115
00:05:26,160 --> 00:05:28,639
Only after we've wiped your bottoms!
116
00:05:28,639 --> 00:05:30,079
Oh, please!
117
00:05:30,079 --> 00:05:32,720
Oh, Val, can't you come
and live here forever?
118
00:05:32,720 --> 00:05:33,879
Sorry, just got to...
119
00:05:33,879 --> 00:05:37,879
We'd have so much fun!
120
00:05:47,439 --> 00:05:50,279
All right?
Yeah, just...
121
00:05:50,279 --> 00:05:53,800
checking the keys,
for Nick and... er...
122
00:05:53,800 --> 00:05:57,480
going to the loo.
123
00:05:57,480 --> 00:05:59,360
Argh! Argh!
124
00:05:59,360 --> 00:06:03,360
Just doing my bits.
125
00:06:04,319 --> 00:06:08,319
So this sofa, it stayed where it
was, but the other sofa, your sofa,
126
00:06:08,800 --> 00:06:10,560
that moved from there to...
127
00:06:10,560 --> 00:06:12,399
there.
128
00:06:12,399 --> 00:06:14,879
Right. When's dinner? Yeah.
129
00:06:14,879 --> 00:06:16,480
Stop it!
130
00:06:16,480 --> 00:06:18,920
Hasn't Auntie done a fabulous job?
131
00:06:18,920 --> 00:06:21,079
Have you seen my stapler collection?
132
00:06:21,079 --> 00:06:23,120
Stapler collection?
133
00:06:23,120 --> 00:06:24,279
BOTH: Um...
134
00:06:24,279 --> 00:06:28,279
Oh, I don't believe it! The bloody
bins, again!
135
00:06:29,319 --> 00:06:31,959
Someone's not happy!
136
00:06:31,959 --> 00:06:33,639
Boys, since Auntie Val's been here
137
00:06:33,639 --> 00:06:36,079
she's really helped make the
house, you know...
138
00:06:36,079 --> 00:06:38,120
Worse?
Thank you, Jonathan.
139
00:06:38,120 --> 00:06:40,720
No, I love making a place all nice
and...
140
00:06:40,720 --> 00:06:43,600
No, you're not having the car!
Now, piss off!
141
00:06:43,600 --> 00:06:45,480
Larry? Larry.
142
00:06:45,480 --> 00:06:48,319
Your poor auntie's having
such a hard time.
143
00:06:48,319 --> 00:06:51,360
Is she? Larry won't move out the
house. Won't he?
144
00:06:51,360 --> 00:06:54,120
But I've still got his car, so...
145
00:06:54,120 --> 00:06:56,560
Yeah, you tell him, Val!
146
00:06:56,560 --> 00:06:58,399
Yeah, the filthy, effing pig!
147
00:06:58,399 --> 00:07:01,720
Leave room? Yup!
Right, look what I found, Valerie!
148
00:07:01,720 --> 00:07:03,519
My stapler collection.
149
00:07:03,519 --> 00:07:05,360
Your broken stapler collection.
150
00:07:05,360 --> 00:07:08,240
Will you please stop chucking
my stuff in the bloody bin!
151
00:07:08,240 --> 00:07:09,959
Oh, shut up, Martin!
152
00:07:09,959 --> 00:07:13,199
Why do you need all your broken
staplers? Cos they're mementoes, you
moron.
153
00:07:13,199 --> 00:07:15,720
Of what? All your exciting
'stapling adventures'?
154
00:07:15,720 --> 00:07:19,439
Precisely. Now I told that woman not
to go up to my office.
155
00:07:19,439 --> 00:07:20,839
Stop it!
156
00:07:20,839 --> 00:07:23,959
Don't you dare go near my
bloody shed!
157
00:07:23,959 --> 00:07:26,959
Oh, yeah, the bloody shed. Shhh!
158
00:07:26,959 --> 00:07:30,079
I forgot about the bloody shed!
159
00:07:30,079 --> 00:07:32,439
SHE LAUGHS
160
00:07:32,439 --> 00:07:35,079
Have fun! She's not going to the
shed now, is she?
161
00:07:35,079 --> 00:07:37,159
I'm sorry...?
162
00:07:37,159 --> 00:07:38,680
BOTH: Dad!
163
00:07:38,680 --> 00:07:40,639
I said to her, "Don't go in
my shed."
164
00:07:40,639 --> 00:07:42,639
Where's she bloody gone? In my shed!
165
00:07:42,639 --> 00:07:44,720
Calm down! She's just making it...
166
00:07:44,720 --> 00:07:46,000
..nice.
167
00:07:46,000 --> 00:07:47,759
Jackie, my shed is already nice.
168
00:07:47,759 --> 00:07:49,319
It's definitely not nice.
169
00:07:49,319 --> 00:07:50,639
You pillocks coming or what?
170
00:07:50,639 --> 00:07:52,360
Oh, we're not missing this!
171
00:07:52,360 --> 00:07:53,439
Martin, calm down.
172
00:07:53,439 --> 00:07:55,680
What?! I am calmed down.
Shoes on, Pusface...
173
00:07:55,680 --> 00:07:57,840
Bloody Val. Martin!
174
00:07:57,840 --> 00:07:59,120
SHOE SQUELCHES
175
00:07:59,120 --> 00:08:00,879
JONNY LAUGHS
Oh, God...
176
00:08:00,879 --> 00:08:02,439
What is...?! Boys?
177
00:08:02,439 --> 00:08:03,839
Oh, yes. Oh, yes...!
178
00:08:03,839 --> 00:08:05,560
What has he...?
JONNY CACKLES
179
00:08:05,560 --> 00:08:08,560
An egg?! An egg?! Bloody halfwits.
180
00:08:08,560 --> 00:08:10,439
See you later, Pusface! Jonny!
181
00:08:10,439 --> 00:08:13,560
Oh, my God, that better come out!
That better come out!
182
00:08:13,560 --> 00:08:14,839
You bloody...
183
00:08:14,839 --> 00:08:16,560
I can't believe you, Jonathan.
184
00:08:16,560 --> 00:08:17,759
Classic! Classic!
185
00:08:17,759 --> 00:08:18,920
Oh...
186
00:08:18,920 --> 00:08:22,920
Tramp shoes...
HE GROANS
187
00:08:25,000 --> 00:08:29,000
One minute...
188
00:08:33,360 --> 00:08:37,360
HE GIGGLES
189
00:08:41,720 --> 00:08:44,720
Mwah!
190
00:08:44,720 --> 00:08:45,799
Oh, yes!
191
00:08:45,799 --> 00:08:49,799
Carpet emergency! CARPET EMERGENCY!
192
00:08:50,320 --> 00:08:51,480
OK, Valerie.
193
00:08:51,480 --> 00:08:53,080
Get out of my sodding shed!
194
00:08:53,080 --> 00:08:54,519
Um, sorry, don't you knock first?
195
00:08:54,519 --> 00:08:56,879
What?! Martin, your shed is a
pigsty.
196
00:08:56,879 --> 00:08:58,240
I'm tidying up, OK?
197
00:08:58,240 --> 00:09:01,240
Look, leave it! Everything is in
here for a reason!
198
00:09:01,240 --> 00:09:02,279
Is it..?
199
00:09:02,279 --> 00:09:03,320
Shut up!
200
00:09:03,320 --> 00:09:06,159
Right, and what's the reason
for this disgusting old sandwich?
201
00:09:06,159 --> 00:09:09,399
Erm... Haven't you met
Professor Germs?
202
00:09:09,399 --> 00:09:10,879
Oh-ho-ho, cool shoes!
203
00:09:10,879 --> 00:09:12,440
Er, first of all...
204
00:09:12,440 --> 00:09:13,519
Ow! There.
205
00:09:13,519 --> 00:09:14,840
You're in my slippers.
206
00:09:14,840 --> 00:09:16,279
I thought I'd thrown them away...
207
00:09:16,279 --> 00:09:18,159
Aha! You thought wrong,
didn't you, Valerie?
208
00:09:18,159 --> 00:09:22,159
Well, there's one thing I'm
definitely throwing away.
You just try.
209
00:09:22,559 --> 00:09:24,399
Seen this, boys?
Give that to me, now!
210
00:09:24,399 --> 00:09:26,440
What is it? A tin of beef.
211
00:09:26,440 --> 00:09:27,799
You are not throwing that away!
212
00:09:27,799 --> 00:09:31,399
Really? "Best before September
1996."
213
00:09:31,399 --> 00:09:33,279
What?! 1996?
214
00:09:33,279 --> 00:09:34,440
But that's, like, over...
215
00:09:34,440 --> 00:09:35,840
Correct - 20 years old.
216
00:09:35,840 --> 00:09:37,679
Dad! 20-year-old meat?!
217
00:09:37,679 --> 00:09:38,720
And?
218
00:09:38,720 --> 00:09:41,480
"And?!" Why are you keeping
20-year-old meat?!
219
00:09:41,480 --> 00:09:44,279
Cos it's my good luck meat,
isn't it? Now, give!
220
00:09:44,279 --> 00:09:47,200
Sorry, your "good luck" meat?
Your "good luck" meat...?
221
00:09:47,200 --> 00:09:49,480
It was in the shed when we moved in,
so I just kept it.
222
00:09:49,480 --> 00:09:51,799
Thought it might bring me luck.
Right...
223
00:09:51,799 --> 00:09:54,039
And has it brought you luck?
224
00:09:54,039 --> 00:09:55,080
JACKIE: Val...?
225
00:09:55,080 --> 00:09:56,320
Well, she's still alive.
226
00:09:56,320 --> 00:09:57,360
Huh?
227
00:09:57,360 --> 00:10:00,279
Jackie, Martin has been keeping
this tin of meat in here.
228
00:10:00,279 --> 00:10:01,720
Yes, his "good luck" meat.
229
00:10:01,720 --> 00:10:03,679
JACKIE: Pardon?
It's 20 years old.
230
00:10:03,679 --> 00:10:05,679
You've been keeping rotten food?
231
00:10:05,679 --> 00:10:08,080
What? How can it be rotten
if it's in a tin?
232
00:10:08,080 --> 00:10:10,240
And you were going to eat it,
were you?
233
00:10:10,240 --> 00:10:11,360
Well, I don't know, do I?
234
00:10:11,360 --> 00:10:13,639
Oh, God... I told him it's going in
the bin.
235
00:10:13,639 --> 00:10:15,360
Of course it's going in the bin!
236
00:10:15,360 --> 00:10:19,360
I am telling you now, that meat is
going nowhere!
237
00:10:19,399 --> 00:10:20,480
Martin!
238
00:10:20,480 --> 00:10:22,559
No, Jackie, I've bloody well had it!
239
00:10:22,559 --> 00:10:25,360
How would you like it, Valerie,
if I came round your house
240
00:10:25,360 --> 00:10:27,399
and chucked all your bloody
stuff in the bin, hmm?
241
00:10:27,399 --> 00:10:29,279
Well, I really wouldn't know,
Martin,
242
00:10:29,279 --> 00:10:31,519
because I don't have a house
at the moment, do I?!
243
00:10:31,519 --> 00:10:32,559
SHE SOBS
244
00:10:32,559 --> 00:10:33,840
ADAM WHISPERS: Nice one, Dad.
245
00:10:33,840 --> 00:10:36,039
JACKIE: Yes, thank you for upsetting
my friend.
246
00:10:36,039 --> 00:10:37,440
VALERIE SOBS
247
00:10:37,440 --> 00:10:39,320
In the bin! Goodbye!
248
00:10:39,320 --> 00:10:42,720
Jackie! Give me my meat!
249
00:10:42,720 --> 00:10:44,279
Give me my meat!
250
00:10:44,279 --> 00:10:45,519
"Give me my meat."
251
00:10:45,519 --> 00:10:47,519
Now we know what to write on his
tombstone.
252
00:10:47,519 --> 00:10:50,320
JACKIE: I'm not arguing about it
any more, it's going in the bin.
253
00:10:50,320 --> 00:10:52,200
Right, well, you just try...
I will just try.
254
00:10:52,200 --> 00:10:54,360
Good, you just try.
I will just try.
255
00:10:54,360 --> 00:10:56,200
Hello, Jackie. You look nice!
256
00:10:56,200 --> 00:10:58,480
You gave me a fright! Excuse me...
257
00:10:58,480 --> 00:10:59,519
Huh?
258
00:10:59,519 --> 00:11:01,480
Go on, Jackie, you just try.
259
00:11:01,480 --> 00:11:04,720
I can't believe it. You've taped up
all the bins?! Yep!
260
00:11:04,720 --> 00:11:07,639
I couldn't get the dustbins to
open either, Jackie.
261
00:11:07,639 --> 00:11:09,440
Er, why were you trying to
open our bins?
262
00:11:09,440 --> 00:11:12,960
Oh, well, I'd just bought myself
a brand-new dustbin,
263
00:11:12,960 --> 00:11:15,440
and I didn't want to get it all
dirty, so I thought I'd...
264
00:11:15,440 --> 00:11:16,879
..use ours? Hmmm?
265
00:11:16,879 --> 00:11:17,919
DOG WHINES
266
00:11:17,919 --> 00:11:20,120
Sorry, has your dog got
fleas or something?
267
00:11:20,120 --> 00:11:23,519
Oh, no, he's just wearing that
to stop him from reaching his...
268
00:11:23,519 --> 00:11:24,600
..you know.
269
00:11:24,600 --> 00:11:25,639
What..?
270
00:11:25,639 --> 00:11:28,279
Sexualised parts.
271
00:11:28,279 --> 00:11:29,320
Right...
272
00:11:29,320 --> 00:11:33,320
Well, Jackie, Valerie, what are you
going to do now, then, hmm?
273
00:11:34,480 --> 00:11:36,879
Jackie?
274
00:11:36,879 --> 00:11:39,399
Jackie!
275
00:11:39,399 --> 00:11:40,440
Open the door!
276
00:11:40,440 --> 00:11:41,559
Um, Jonny?
277
00:11:41,559 --> 00:11:42,759
Open the bloody door!
278
00:11:42,759 --> 00:11:44,399
Oh, look, your boss is here for
his keys!
279
00:11:44,399 --> 00:11:46,879
Open the door! Jackie!
280
00:11:46,879 --> 00:11:48,759
Give me my meat!
281
00:11:48,759 --> 00:11:51,159
Hello, Nick! Um... Hi, Jonny.
282
00:11:51,159 --> 00:11:54,279
He keeps chewing his winky.
283
00:11:54,279 --> 00:11:57,000
Give me my shitting meat!
284
00:11:58,200 --> 00:12:00,720
You could have at least brought him
in to say hello...
285
00:12:00,720 --> 00:12:03,559
Mum - before I strangle you
and myself -
286
00:12:03,559 --> 00:12:05,639
he just came to pick up
some keys to a property.
287
00:12:05,639 --> 00:12:08,000
Yeah, Jonny had to give him
the right keys to the property.
288
00:12:08,000 --> 00:12:10,480
Exactly. What? Hm?
289
00:12:10,480 --> 00:12:14,480
Adam, was he dishy? Oh, very dishy.
Please!
290
00:12:14,720 --> 00:12:17,159
Where is your dad? Martin?
291
00:12:17,159 --> 00:12:19,200
He's not still looking for
his tin of bloody meat.
292
00:12:19,200 --> 00:12:21,679
Obviously he's still looking
for his tin of bloody meat.
293
00:12:21,679 --> 00:12:23,240
There you are.
294
00:12:23,240 --> 00:12:25,200
Well, Martin. Did you find it?
295
00:12:25,200 --> 00:12:28,240
OK, Valerie,
did you hide it in the attic?
296
00:12:28,240 --> 00:12:30,519
The attic?!
Dad, have you gone insane?
297
00:12:30,519 --> 00:12:33,600
Yes. Look, can we just eat?
298
00:12:33,600 --> 00:12:35,600
Did you bury it in the garden?
What?!
299
00:12:35,600 --> 00:12:37,600
Yes, she buried it in the garden.
300
00:12:37,600 --> 00:12:39,279
Along with her faeces.
301
00:12:39,279 --> 00:12:41,879
Adam! Sorry, Val.
302
00:12:41,879 --> 00:12:45,159
You know, Jackie, maybe I should
stay at my sister's tonight.
303
00:12:45,159 --> 00:12:47,519
Great, I'll take you now! Martin!
304
00:12:47,519 --> 00:12:50,159
No, Val, you are staying here
tonight and that's that.
305
00:12:50,159 --> 00:12:52,120
Oh, thanks, love...
Ugh! Where's the gin?
306
00:12:52,120 --> 00:12:55,120
DOORBELL
Oh! Go on, Pusface.
307
00:12:55,120 --> 00:12:56,759
OK, Pissface.
308
00:12:56,759 --> 00:13:00,759
Ugh!
309
00:13:01,080 --> 00:13:02,799
Oh, hello.
310
00:13:02,799 --> 00:13:06,519
Sorry, is Jonny there? Erm...
311
00:13:06,519 --> 00:13:08,799
Hello, everyone, may I introduce...
312
00:13:08,799 --> 00:13:09,840
It's not Jim, is it?
313
00:13:09,840 --> 00:13:11,679
Er, hi. Sorry to interrupt.
314
00:13:11,679 --> 00:13:13,039
Nick?
315
00:13:13,039 --> 00:13:16,440
Oh, the famous Nick!
Lovely to meet you.
316
00:13:16,440 --> 00:13:18,919
Jackie - Jonny's mum.
Lovely to meet you too.
317
00:13:18,919 --> 00:13:21,159
Um, Jonny..?
You're the man from before.
318
00:13:21,159 --> 00:13:24,080
What? Yeah. I still haven't
found my sodding meat.
319
00:13:24,080 --> 00:13:25,960
Thanks, Dad. Everything OK?
320
00:13:25,960 --> 00:13:27,320
Valerie Lewis.
321
00:13:27,320 --> 00:13:28,720
PHONE RINGS
322
00:13:28,720 --> 00:13:30,600
Just piss off!
323
00:13:30,600 --> 00:13:33,039
Ah! Er, yeah, sorry.
324
00:13:33,039 --> 00:13:36,000
Jonny, those keys you gave me -
Glendale Road - they didn't work.
325
00:13:36,000 --> 00:13:37,879
They didn't work?
Didn't they?
326
00:13:37,879 --> 00:13:40,159
What? No, we couldn't
get into the flat.
327
00:13:40,159 --> 00:13:43,039
The customers are still in the car.
It's actually quite embarrassing.
328
00:13:43,039 --> 00:13:46,559
But I gave you the right ones.
Yeah, you gave him the right ones.
329
00:13:46,559 --> 00:13:49,679
Er, let me check. One sec.
330
00:13:49,679 --> 00:13:53,679
Excuse me a moment.
331
00:13:56,799 --> 00:13:58,679
I don't get it.
332
00:13:58,679 --> 00:14:00,399
They were the right keys.
333
00:14:00,399 --> 00:14:04,399
They had the right address on them.
Maybe they just got a bit mixed up.
334
00:14:04,559 --> 00:14:07,399
"Mixed up"? Pusface?
335
00:14:07,399 --> 00:14:11,399
Maybe these are the ones
they got mixed up with?
336
00:14:13,200 --> 00:14:16,159
You bloody shit!
337
00:14:16,159 --> 00:14:19,600
Sorry, Nick. Bit of a mix-up.
But these are the ones. Right.
338
00:14:19,600 --> 00:14:22,399
Are you sure?
Yeah, absolutely.
339
00:14:22,399 --> 00:14:26,399
OK, well, sorry again, everyone.
Not at all.
340
00:14:26,600 --> 00:14:29,799
Wonderful to meet you. Wonderful.
341
00:14:29,799 --> 00:14:33,799
Erm, yeah, and thank you, Jonny.
342
00:14:34,240 --> 00:14:36,960
I'll see you out.
343
00:14:36,960 --> 00:14:39,799
Oooh, wasn't he dishy?
Wasn't he dishy?!
344
00:14:39,799 --> 00:14:41,679
We're availabubble!
345
00:14:41,679 --> 00:14:42,840
Christ!
346
00:14:42,840 --> 00:14:45,720
He swapped my keys!
He swapped my bloody keys!
347
00:14:45,720 --> 00:14:47,480
Ow! What?!
PHONE RINGS
348
00:14:47,480 --> 00:14:49,679
Oh, Larry again.
349
00:14:49,679 --> 00:14:51,960
Oh, Jackie, I can't keep telling him
to piss off.
350
00:14:51,960 --> 00:14:53,159
I can.
351
00:14:53,159 --> 00:14:55,679
He's probably sitting there
all alone in his pyjamas,
352
00:14:55,679 --> 00:14:59,480
having a takeaway curry for one.
Poor Larry.
353
00:14:59,480 --> 00:15:02,120
Do you want me to speak to him,
love? Thanks, sweetie.
354
00:15:02,120 --> 00:15:04,039
He's never really liked you.
355
00:15:04,039 --> 00:15:06,240
Adam, have a word with your uncle,
would you?
356
00:15:06,240 --> 00:15:10,240
Auntie!
357
00:15:10,799 --> 00:15:14,799
Hi, Uncle Larry. It's Adam,
Jackie Goodman's son.
358
00:15:16,200 --> 00:15:18,679
Yep. Her.
359
00:15:18,679 --> 00:15:19,879
What do you want me to say?
360
00:15:19,879 --> 00:15:22,399
Tell him we'll pay him anything
to take her back. Sh!
361
00:15:22,399 --> 00:15:25,720
What's he saying?
He says, "Thanks for the car."
362
00:15:25,720 --> 00:15:27,879
"Thanks for the car?"
363
00:15:27,879 --> 00:15:30,480
He's saying, "Have a look
out the window."
364
00:15:30,480 --> 00:15:34,480
What?
365
00:15:35,600 --> 00:15:36,960
CAR HORN HONKS
366
00:15:36,960 --> 00:15:40,960
He's taking my car! Bloody bastard!
367
00:15:44,559 --> 00:15:45,879
Bloody bastard!
368
00:15:45,879 --> 00:15:47,799
Yeah, you have said that
quite a lot now.
369
00:15:47,799 --> 00:15:49,480
Shall we see you back
at Mum's then?
370
00:15:49,480 --> 00:15:51,000
No, you wait here.
371
00:15:51,000 --> 00:15:55,000
What? Why?
372
00:15:55,360 --> 00:15:58,600
Did you bring a flame thrower?
373
00:15:58,600 --> 00:16:02,600
What is she...?
374
00:16:03,440 --> 00:16:07,240
Is that our crumble?
What's she doing with our crumble?
375
00:16:07,240 --> 00:16:09,480
Oh, that's what's she's doing
with our crumble.
376
00:16:09,480 --> 00:16:13,480
Oh, God! What if Uncle Larry
sees her?
377
00:16:14,399 --> 00:16:16,559
And now he's seen her.
378
00:16:16,559 --> 00:16:19,279
Hey! Wait! Come back!
And now he's chasing her.
379
00:16:19,279 --> 00:16:22,799
Come back! And now we go.
380
00:16:22,799 --> 00:16:24,879
Drive! Drive!
381
00:16:24,879 --> 00:16:28,879
Come back! God! You bloody nutcase!
382
00:16:31,519 --> 00:16:34,360
Thank you again, love.
Did you really like it, Jackie?
383
00:16:34,360 --> 00:16:37,559
Oh, it was wonderful custard.
Wasn't it, boys?
384
00:16:37,559 --> 00:16:41,440
Wonderful! Much more wonderful
than custard with crumble. Sh!
385
00:16:41,440 --> 00:16:45,120
Yeah, well, I'm sorry again about
the crumble, but, you know.
386
00:16:45,120 --> 00:16:49,120
We know. Yes, you smeared it
all over your own car.
387
00:16:49,120 --> 00:16:51,240
Where is my bloody meat?
388
00:16:51,240 --> 00:16:53,519
It's probably not up
the chimney, Dad.
389
00:16:53,519 --> 00:16:56,919
Jackie, I did speak to my sister,
and I am going to stay there.
390
00:16:56,919 --> 00:16:59,559
Really? Joy!
Tomorrow. Shit!
391
00:16:59,559 --> 00:17:01,960
Don't worry, Martin, you'll be
rid of me in the morning.
392
00:17:01,960 --> 00:17:03,919
Three o'clock in the morning?
393
00:17:03,919 --> 00:17:06,799
Oh, before I forget...
394
00:17:06,799 --> 00:17:08,079
Will you stop it?
395
00:17:08,079 --> 00:17:11,400
Jackie, I cannot last another minute
with that bloody woman in our house.
396
00:17:11,400 --> 00:17:14,400
Martin, it's just one more night,
OK? One more.
397
00:17:14,400 --> 00:17:17,759
It's like living with
a demented ape.
398
00:17:17,759 --> 00:17:19,960
Here, love.
399
00:17:19,960 --> 00:17:23,759
Oh, thanks! What is it?
400
00:17:23,759 --> 00:17:26,839
But these are my clothes.
401
00:17:26,839 --> 00:17:28,559
I just thought...
402
00:17:28,559 --> 00:17:31,599
Well, you never really looked nice
in any of them, so,
403
00:17:31,599 --> 00:17:34,680
charity shop!
404
00:17:34,680 --> 00:17:38,680
MARTIN IMITATES MONKEY
405
00:17:39,599 --> 00:17:43,599
DOORBELL
Your go!
406
00:17:45,759 --> 00:17:48,160
What the hell are you
playing, at Jonny? Sorry?
407
00:17:48,160 --> 00:17:50,079
The wrong keys - again.
408
00:17:50,079 --> 00:17:54,079
What? Again?! Right.
409
00:17:54,680 --> 00:17:56,839
Hold on a minute.
Who is it?
410
00:17:56,839 --> 00:17:59,039
You gave him the wrong keys again?!
What?
411
00:17:59,039 --> 00:18:01,079
They're the wrong fucking keys!
412
00:18:01,079 --> 00:18:05,079
Really?! Honestly,
I thought they were the right ones.
413
00:18:05,160 --> 00:18:09,160
Well, which ones are they, then?
Huh?
414
00:18:09,480 --> 00:18:13,599
These ones?
415
00:18:13,599 --> 00:18:15,319
These ones? Brilliant.
416
00:18:15,319 --> 00:18:17,519
Jonny?
417
00:18:17,519 --> 00:18:21,519
Nick, I'm really sorry, but you
better just take the whole lot.
418
00:18:24,079 --> 00:18:26,799
And your car? Your company car?
419
00:18:26,799 --> 00:18:28,000
My car?
420
00:18:28,000 --> 00:18:30,680
Why's it covered in curry...?
421
00:18:30,680 --> 00:18:32,000
Curry?
422
00:18:32,000 --> 00:18:34,519
Oh, my God.
423
00:18:34,519 --> 00:18:35,839
Larry.
424
00:18:35,839 --> 00:18:39,319
The bloody bastard!
425
00:18:39,319 --> 00:18:41,400
Shit on it, he's done mine too!
426
00:18:41,400 --> 00:18:45,279
Oh! Where's my phone?
427
00:18:45,279 --> 00:18:48,640
I'm guessing you'll be wanting
to speak to me on Monday then?
428
00:18:48,640 --> 00:18:52,640
Oh, yeah. First thing.
429
00:18:57,880 --> 00:19:01,759
Jonnyboo... Sorry,
but that woman is going right now!
430
00:19:01,759 --> 00:19:03,200
What? Martin!
431
00:19:03,200 --> 00:19:05,480
She is out!
432
00:19:05,480 --> 00:19:08,400
Boys? OK, Valerie, that's it!
433
00:19:08,400 --> 00:19:10,559
Er, can you let go of me, please?
Come on, out!
434
00:19:10,559 --> 00:19:14,559
Martin! Come on!
Get off! Get off!
435
00:19:15,720 --> 00:19:17,680
Is that what I think it is?
436
00:19:17,680 --> 00:19:19,279
Let go! Give it!
Let go!
437
00:19:19,279 --> 00:19:20,920
Bloody give it to me,
give me my meat!
438
00:19:20,920 --> 00:19:22,519
Give me my meat! Give me my meat!
439
00:19:22,519 --> 00:19:24,319
Martin! Dad!
440
00:19:24,319 --> 00:19:28,319
Ah-ha! Oh, yes, well done,
Martin. You found it.
441
00:19:28,720 --> 00:19:30,359
Now give it back. No way, Valerie.
442
00:19:30,359 --> 00:19:33,359
Martin, give it to me,
will you? I'll throw it away.
443
00:19:33,359 --> 00:19:36,000
Throw it away?
But this is my lucky meat.
444
00:19:36,000 --> 00:19:40,000
Now, we'll see if it's
all "rotten", shall we?
445
00:19:40,720 --> 00:19:44,119
Dad. Seriously?
446
00:19:44,119 --> 00:19:48,119
Rotten meat...
447
00:19:50,559 --> 00:19:52,079
THEY GROAN
448
00:19:52,079 --> 00:19:53,160
God!
449
00:19:53,160 --> 00:19:55,680
It's fine.
It's perfectly good meat.
450
00:19:55,680 --> 00:19:58,160
Perfectly good meat?
451
00:19:58,160 --> 00:20:00,680
Er, you're not actually going
to eat that, are you?
452
00:20:00,680 --> 00:20:03,640
No - let him, boys.
Let your father poison himself.
453
00:20:03,640 --> 00:20:05,599
Come on, Martin,
you've proved your point.
454
00:20:05,599 --> 00:20:07,319
Not yet, I haven't.
455
00:20:07,319 --> 00:20:08,440
THEY GROAN
456
00:20:08,440 --> 00:20:10,240
Martin!
457
00:20:10,240 --> 00:20:13,519
It's fine.
It's absolutely fine.
458
00:20:13,519 --> 00:20:15,119
Enough, now. please!
459
00:20:15,119 --> 00:20:16,799
THEY GRIMACE
460
00:20:16,799 --> 00:20:18,920
Actually, it's very nice.
461
00:20:18,920 --> 00:20:22,200
It's delicious.
462
00:20:22,200 --> 00:20:24,119
It's OK, Martin.
You're going to be just fine.
463
00:20:24,119 --> 00:20:26,319
Oh, God!
It's all right, Dad.
464
00:20:26,319 --> 00:20:28,599
I've untaped your bins.
465
00:20:28,599 --> 00:20:30,480
Great, Jim.
Yeah, we are a little busy.
466
00:20:30,480 --> 00:20:31,519
Is he dead?
467
00:20:31,519 --> 00:20:33,680
Sadly, no - not yet.
468
00:20:33,680 --> 00:20:35,759
What happened?
469
00:20:35,759 --> 00:20:38,519
He ate some meat from a tin
that was 20 years old.
470
00:20:38,519 --> 00:20:40,799
I have that sometimes.
471
00:20:40,799 --> 00:20:43,960
Really?
Meat that's 20 years old?!
472
00:20:43,960 --> 00:20:46,680
What about meat
that's 30 years old?
473
00:20:46,680 --> 00:20:50,559
I also eat a lot of that.
474
00:20:50,559 --> 00:20:54,559
Any room for another one?
475
00:20:57,119 --> 00:20:59,000
What?
476
00:20:59,000 --> 00:21:00,079
Where am I?
477
00:21:00,079 --> 00:21:02,880
It's OK, Martin.
You're all right.
478
00:21:02,880 --> 00:21:05,319
Am I... Am I still at home?
479
00:21:05,319 --> 00:21:06,799
Don't worry, Dad.
It's OK.
480
00:21:06,799 --> 00:21:08,119
You're just in the hospital.
481
00:21:08,119 --> 00:21:12,119
The hospital? Thank God.
482
00:21:12,240 --> 00:21:16,720
I escaped!
483
00:21:16,720 --> 00:21:19,079
Lovely. He's over there.
484
00:21:19,079 --> 00:21:20,559
Oh, shit. She's here.
485
00:21:20,559 --> 00:21:22,200
Thank you, Martin.
486
00:21:22,200 --> 00:21:24,400
Oh, hello, doctor. Hi.
487
00:21:24,400 --> 00:21:27,240
How are you feeling now,
Mr Goodman? Bloody lousy.
488
00:21:27,240 --> 00:21:30,680
Like my stomach's
made out of toilets. Yeah.
489
00:21:30,680 --> 00:21:33,759
There's probably some pretty
nasty bacteria in this.
490
00:21:33,759 --> 00:21:37,400
What was he doing eating it?
It's over 20 years old!
491
00:21:37,400 --> 00:21:38,799
Oh, and I'm sorry, Mrs Goodman,
492
00:21:38,799 --> 00:21:41,720
but we will need to keep
your husband in overnight.
493
00:21:41,720 --> 00:21:45,519
Really? Oh, thank you, doctor!
Thank you so much!
494
00:21:45,519 --> 00:21:47,039
Martin!
PAGER VIBRATES
495
00:21:47,039 --> 00:21:49,759
One minute.
496
00:21:49,759 --> 00:21:52,599
Sorry, Jackie, I just spoke
to my sister again and,
497
00:21:52,599 --> 00:21:56,440
well, she was very rude actually -
she called me an annoying cow.
498
00:21:56,440 --> 00:21:59,359
Can you believe it?
499
00:21:59,359 --> 00:22:02,319
Well, I can't stay there
tomorrow now, can I?
500
00:22:02,319 --> 00:22:05,640
Would you mind if I
stayed at yours instead? Erm...
501
00:22:05,640 --> 00:22:07,839
And maybe for a few more days
after that?
502
00:22:07,839 --> 00:22:10,599
Like, maybe another week..?
503
00:22:10,599 --> 00:22:12,559
Er...
504
00:22:12,559 --> 00:22:14,680
What do you think, Martin?
Martin?!
505
00:22:14,680 --> 00:22:16,359
Dad?
506
00:22:16,359 --> 00:22:19,160
Dad!
507
00:22:19,160 --> 00:22:23,160
You better call the nurse.
508
00:22:35,880 --> 00:22:46,000
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