All language subtitles for Friday Night Dinner 05x01

af Afrikaans
ak Akan
sq Albanian
am Amharic
ar Arabic Download
hy Armenian
az Azerbaijani
eu Basque
be Belarusian
bem Bemba
bn Bengali
bh Bihari
bs Bosnian
br Breton
bg Bulgarian
km Cambodian
ca Catalan
ceb Cebuano
chr Cherokee
ny Chichewa
zh-CN Chinese (Simplified)
zh-TW Chinese (Traditional)
co Corsican
hr Croatian
cs Czech
da Danish
nl Dutch Download
en English Download
eo Esperanto
et Estonian
ee Ewe
fo Faroese
tl Filipino
fi Finnish
fr French
fy Frisian
gaa Ga
gl Galician
ka Georgian
de German
el Greek
gn Guarani
gu Gujarati
ht Haitian Creole
ha Hausa
haw Hawaiian
iw Hebrew
hi Hindi
hmn Hmong
hu Hungarian
is Icelandic
ig Igbo
id Indonesian
ia Interlingua
ga Irish
it Italian Download
ja Japanese
jw Javanese
kn Kannada
kk Kazakh
rw Kinyarwanda
rn Kirundi
kg Kongo
ko Korean
kri Krio (Sierra Leone)
ku Kurdish
ckb Kurdish (Soranî)
ky Kyrgyz
lo Laothian
la Latin
lv Latvian
ln Lingala
lt Lithuanian
loz Lozi
lg Luganda
ach Luo
lb Luxembourgish
mk Macedonian
mg Malagasy
ms Malay
ml Malayalam
mt Maltese
mi Maori
mr Marathi
mfe Mauritian Creole
mo Moldavian
mn Mongolian
my Myanmar (Burmese)
sr-ME Montenegrin
ne Nepali
pcm Nigerian Pidgin
nso Northern Sotho
no Norwegian
nn Norwegian (Nynorsk)
oc Occitan
or Oriya
om Oromo
ps Pashto
fa Persian
pl Polish
pt-BR Portuguese (Brazil)
pt Portuguese (Portugal) Download
pa Punjabi
qu Quechua
ro Romanian
rm Romansh
nyn Runyakitara
ru Russian
sm Samoan
gd Scots Gaelic
sr Serbian
sh Serbo-Croatian
st Sesotho
tn Setswana
crs Seychellois Creole
sn Shona
sd Sindhi
si Sinhalese
sk Slovak
sl Slovenian
so Somali
es Spanish
es-419 Spanish (Latin American)
su Sundanese
sw Swahili
sv Swedish
tg Tajik
ta Tamil
tt Tatar
te Telugu
th Thai
ti Tigrinya
to Tonga
lua Tshiluba
tum Tumbuka
tr Turkish
tk Turkmen
tw Twi
ug Uighur
uk Ukrainian
ur Urdu
uz Uzbek
vi Vietnamese
cy Welsh
wo Wolof
xh Xhosa
yi Yiddish
yo Yoruba
zu Zulu
Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:04,162 Translated By The Community Of WWW.MY-SUBS.COM 1 00:00:37,400 --> 00:00:39,560 "We're in the back garden." 2 00:00:39,600 --> 00:00:41,280 They're in the back garden? 3 00:00:41,320 --> 00:00:42,840 MOBILE TONE 4 00:00:42,880 --> 00:00:43,960 Mum. 5 00:00:44,000 --> 00:00:45,320 We're here! What do you...? 6 00:00:45,360 --> 00:00:46,880 Yes, we know you're in the back garden 7 00:00:46,920 --> 00:00:49,240 because there's a sign saying you're in the back garden. 8 00:00:49,280 --> 00:00:52,160 Why are they in the back garden? Oh, you're joking! 9 00:00:52,200 --> 00:00:55,400 Really? Ugh! What? 10 00:00:55,440 --> 00:00:58,800 You know that stupid thing they bought? What stupid th...? 11 00:00:58,840 --> 00:01:01,240 Oh, no. Oh, no. 12 00:01:01,280 --> 00:01:02,720 Ugh. 13 00:01:02,760 --> 00:01:06,760 There they are! Hi, boys! Hi, bambinos, ha-ha! 14 00:01:07,000 --> 00:01:10,040 Oh, my God... You really are in a hot tub. 15 00:01:10,080 --> 00:01:11,880 I know! Isn't it great? 16 00:01:11,920 --> 00:01:13,800 It's not great. Please get out. 17 00:01:13,840 --> 00:01:17,560 Get out? Are you mad? Yeah, it's gorgeous in here. It's gorgeous. 18 00:01:17,600 --> 00:01:19,120 THEY GIGGLE 19 00:01:19,160 --> 00:01:21,720 Are you making a rap video or something? What? 20 00:01:21,760 --> 00:01:23,200 Well, come on, get in, then. 21 00:01:23,240 --> 00:01:25,000 Get in? Ugh, gross! 22 00:01:25,040 --> 00:01:26,520 What do you mean, "Ugh, gross!" 23 00:01:26,560 --> 00:01:28,600 Your bottoms have been in that water. Yeah. So? 24 00:01:28,640 --> 00:01:31,080 Your bottoms have been in that air. 25 00:01:31,120 --> 00:01:32,640 Not quite the same thing. 26 00:01:32,680 --> 00:01:36,240 What's wrong with our bottoms? Yeah, your mother's got a lovely bum. 27 00:01:36,280 --> 00:01:37,920 THEY GIGGLE 28 00:01:37,960 --> 00:01:39,600 Live sex show. 29 00:01:39,640 --> 00:01:43,640 Aren't you making dinner? What? Oh, no, we're getting a takeaway. 30 00:01:43,720 --> 00:01:46,000 Which you'll be eating while lying in your own filth? 31 00:01:46,040 --> 00:01:49,680 There's no filth, you berk. I added toilet cleaner, didn't I? 32 00:01:49,720 --> 00:01:51,480 BOTH: Toilet cleaner! 33 00:01:51,520 --> 00:01:55,200 Toilet cleaner! Well, just a little. You know, genital germs, et cetera. 34 00:01:55,240 --> 00:01:57,880 Right, I'm getting out now. Martin! Thank you. 35 00:01:57,920 --> 00:02:00,000 Hello, all! Oh, Jim! 36 00:02:00,040 --> 00:02:03,520 Oh, Jackie. What are you doing here? 37 00:02:03,560 --> 00:02:07,560 Why have you got a great big bubbly bath outside? 38 00:02:08,280 --> 00:02:12,160 It's a hot tub. Hot tub? Hot toilet. Thank you. 39 00:02:12,200 --> 00:02:16,200 And do Jewish people not take baths indoors? 40 00:02:16,440 --> 00:02:20,440 Er, not on Friday nights. Ah, of course. Shalom. 41 00:02:21,440 --> 00:02:23,160 BOTH: Shalom. 42 00:02:23,200 --> 00:02:26,920 What do you want, Jim? My sister's coming to visit me later. Sister? 43 00:02:26,960 --> 00:02:28,320 I didn't know you had a sister. 44 00:02:28,360 --> 00:02:31,560 Oh, yes, Jackie. But she's rather scared of dogs, 45 00:02:31,600 --> 00:02:33,560 so I wondered if you'd... 46 00:02:33,600 --> 00:02:35,520 Please don't say, "Look after Wilson for me?" 47 00:02:35,560 --> 00:02:38,480 ..look after Wilson for me? Fantastic! 48 00:02:38,520 --> 00:02:42,520 Um. Yeah, thanks, Jim, um, but we've never had a dog before...and...er... 49 00:02:43,640 --> 00:02:46,600 Yeah, we wouldn't really know what to do with him, so... 50 00:02:46,640 --> 00:02:50,640 It's OK, Jackie. Here are the instructions. 51 00:02:53,080 --> 00:02:57,080 "Do not look Wilson in the eye for more than three seconds." 52 00:03:01,280 --> 00:03:03,440 Well, we survived that. 53 00:03:03,480 --> 00:03:06,240 It was supposed to be a relaxing night in, 54 00:03:06,280 --> 00:03:09,320 and then that bloody thing turns up. Oh, don't be like that, Jackie. 55 00:03:09,360 --> 00:03:11,240 Well, where are we going to put him, then? 56 00:03:11,280 --> 00:03:15,280 "Wilson doesn't like small spaces." That rules out the oven, ha! 57 00:03:15,680 --> 00:03:19,040 "Or large spaces." So, nowhere on Earth? 58 00:03:19,080 --> 00:03:20,600 Surely we can put him somewhere. 59 00:03:20,640 --> 00:03:24,480 Outside. "Wilson should not be kept outside, 60 00:03:24,520 --> 00:03:26,920 "as he has been known to frighten oxen." 61 00:03:26,960 --> 00:03:29,200 Right. Shall we just order our food, 62 00:03:29,240 --> 00:03:31,560 and get on with the bloody evening, yeah? Good idea. 63 00:03:31,600 --> 00:03:35,600 And Martin, put some clothes on, this isn't a nudist camp. What? 64 00:03:36,200 --> 00:03:38,960 Ow, you bugger! 65 00:03:39,000 --> 00:03:40,320 We're getting Chinese. 66 00:03:40,360 --> 00:03:43,640 Oh! Skill McGill! Skilligan McGilligan! 67 00:03:43,680 --> 00:03:45,640 China Paradise. Where's that menu? 68 00:03:45,680 --> 00:03:47,760 Oh, not China Paradise. They don't deliver. 69 00:03:47,800 --> 00:03:49,720 So? You'll just have to go and collect it. 70 00:03:49,760 --> 00:03:53,280 Collect it? We have to collect the food? It's not the 1930s. 71 00:03:53,320 --> 00:03:56,200 Oh, shut up. Lazy shit-for-nothings. Thank you. 72 00:03:56,240 --> 00:03:59,520 Can't we just get a delivery? Yeah, just find somewhere online. 73 00:03:59,560 --> 00:04:02,440 Online? I'm not eating bloody internet food! Pardon? 74 00:04:02,480 --> 00:04:04,800 Internet food? Oh, not this again. 75 00:04:04,840 --> 00:04:07,720 Dad, they don't actually make the food inside the internet. 76 00:04:07,760 --> 00:04:09,480 Internet bloody food. 77 00:04:09,520 --> 00:04:11,680 I've tried explaining it. It's not worth it. 78 00:04:11,720 --> 00:04:15,000 Oh, and I'll need my card. My purse is in the kitchen. 79 00:04:15,040 --> 00:04:18,160 Which we have to "collect"? Correct. 80 00:04:18,200 --> 00:04:21,680 Master Jonathan, would you get the horse and cart ready? 81 00:04:21,720 --> 00:04:24,400 Certainly, sir. 82 00:04:24,440 --> 00:04:26,760 Pillocking pillocks. 83 00:04:26,800 --> 00:04:28,160 "Internet food." 84 00:04:28,200 --> 00:04:31,280 Yes, there's a tiny little man inside the computer. 85 00:04:31,320 --> 00:04:33,200 In a tiny little chef's hat. 86 00:04:33,240 --> 00:04:34,920 GNAWING 87 00:04:34,960 --> 00:04:36,760 Is someone eating the house? 88 00:04:36,800 --> 00:04:38,040 GNAWING 89 00:04:38,080 --> 00:04:39,840 Wilson! 90 00:04:39,880 --> 00:04:42,760 Er, is this something we should know about? 91 00:04:42,800 --> 00:04:46,000 Sorry, one second. Have you got it? 92 00:04:46,040 --> 00:04:48,200 Right, here we are. 93 00:04:48,240 --> 00:04:49,920 What? GNAWING 94 00:04:49,960 --> 00:04:51,200 Nothing. Nothing. 95 00:04:51,240 --> 00:04:52,600 So... 96 00:04:52,640 --> 00:04:54,760 CRASH Oh! 97 00:04:54,800 --> 00:04:56,280 WILSON WHIMPERS Oh! 98 00:04:56,320 --> 00:05:00,320 Could I also have the sizzling beef? 99 00:05:06,000 --> 00:05:08,520 Collecting our food from the 1930s. 100 00:05:08,560 --> 00:05:10,480 HE SNIGGERS 101 00:05:10,520 --> 00:05:13,280 So, we're basically just looking after a wolf. 102 00:05:13,320 --> 00:05:14,880 Evening. Can I help you? 103 00:05:14,920 --> 00:05:18,920 Yeah. We ordered a takeaway. Goodman. Ah, yes. Two minutes. 104 00:05:19,960 --> 00:05:23,960 God. So now we just stand and wait for two minutes. I know. It's crazy. 105 00:05:25,400 --> 00:05:29,400 Phone? Phone. 106 00:05:31,400 --> 00:05:34,000 Jim! What's he doing here? 107 00:05:34,040 --> 00:05:35,480 Oh! Smooth. 108 00:05:35,520 --> 00:05:39,520 The pain! 109 00:05:41,080 --> 00:05:45,080 Nice. 110 00:05:48,200 --> 00:05:51,080 Good one, Jim. 111 00:05:51,120 --> 00:05:55,120 Ow! 112 00:05:55,640 --> 00:05:57,320 Ugh, he's seen us. 113 00:05:57,360 --> 00:06:00,520 Oh, God. Here we go. 114 00:06:00,560 --> 00:06:01,880 All right there, Jim? 115 00:06:01,920 --> 00:06:05,200 Hello, boys, I didn't see you over there 116 00:06:05,240 --> 00:06:08,320 because my hand was in the way. 117 00:06:08,360 --> 00:06:11,680 Yeah. Aren't you seeing your sister tonight? 118 00:06:11,720 --> 00:06:15,480 Am I? Oh, yes, I am. 119 00:06:15,520 --> 00:06:17,880 Dressed like that? 120 00:06:17,920 --> 00:06:19,720 She's a very formal lady. 121 00:06:19,760 --> 00:06:21,960 Here we are. 122 00:06:22,000 --> 00:06:24,880 Hello. 123 00:06:24,920 --> 00:06:28,920 Hello, my...wonderful sister. 124 00:06:29,880 --> 00:06:31,240 I'm sorry? 125 00:06:31,280 --> 00:06:35,280 SHE LAUGHS NERVOUSLY 126 00:06:38,760 --> 00:06:41,760 Gentlemen, your food's just over there. Oh, thanks. 127 00:06:41,800 --> 00:06:44,960 Well, um, goodbye, Jim. 128 00:06:45,000 --> 00:06:47,680 Yes, goodbye 129 00:06:47,720 --> 00:06:51,720 That wasn't weird! That wasn't his sister! 130 00:06:54,720 --> 00:06:57,840 A date? Yup. A date! Yup. With a real lady. 131 00:06:57,880 --> 00:07:00,360 Bleeding hell. What's she like? Who cares what she's like. 132 00:07:00,400 --> 00:07:03,120 He's just dumped Wilson on us so he can get some... 133 00:07:03,160 --> 00:07:04,760 floozy back to his place! 134 00:07:04,800 --> 00:07:06,280 Floozy? 1930s. 135 00:07:06,320 --> 00:07:08,080 "My sister's scared of dogs." 136 00:07:08,120 --> 00:07:10,840 Right! What are you doing? I'm calling him. 137 00:07:10,880 --> 00:07:13,680 Really? Mum! Oh, come on, Jackie, he's only having a bit of fun. 138 00:07:13,720 --> 00:07:15,880 Yeah, Mum, he's only having some fun. 139 00:07:15,920 --> 00:07:19,800 Fun? And what about me and your dad? What about our fun? 140 00:07:19,840 --> 00:07:22,440 The hot tub. Hot toilet. Shut up. 141 00:07:22,480 --> 00:07:25,600 The bubbly, the... Nippy-nippy. Shhh! Martin! 142 00:07:25,640 --> 00:07:28,480 Er, what was that? Yeah, what did he just say? 143 00:07:28,520 --> 00:07:32,520 Good boy, Wilson. No, not "Good boy, Wilson." What did Dad just say? 144 00:07:33,000 --> 00:07:34,280 Nippy-nippy! 145 00:07:34,320 --> 00:07:37,120 Martin! Oh, please don't say that's your special name for... 146 00:07:37,160 --> 00:07:41,040 Nippy-nippy! Oh, God, it is! Please kill us now! 147 00:07:41,080 --> 00:07:43,720 Grow up. Everyone has their own name for it. 148 00:07:43,760 --> 00:07:46,760 Do they? I don't. That's because you never get any nippy-nippy! 149 00:07:46,800 --> 00:07:48,200 Ha, ha, ha. Yes! 150 00:07:48,240 --> 00:07:51,480 Well, your father and I happen to call it nippy-nippy. 151 00:07:51,520 --> 00:07:54,360 OK. Happy now? No, not happy now. 152 00:07:54,400 --> 00:07:57,680 Unhappy now. Yes, very unhappy now. Ugh! 153 00:07:57,720 --> 00:08:00,880 What does it even mean, nippy-nippy? I don't know, 154 00:08:00,920 --> 00:08:03,960 it's just what we call it. It's, you know, cute. 155 00:08:04,000 --> 00:08:07,720 Cute? It's depraved. OK, just put the bloody plates out, will you? 156 00:08:07,760 --> 00:08:10,240 Anyway, Jackie, we can still have our nippy-nippy later, 157 00:08:10,280 --> 00:08:12,120 we'll just bung the dog in another room. 158 00:08:12,160 --> 00:08:13,280 Thank you, Martin. 159 00:08:13,320 --> 00:08:15,840 How romantic, bunging the dog in another room. 160 00:08:15,880 --> 00:08:17,680 Hold on. GNAWING 161 00:08:17,720 --> 00:08:20,240 Er, I think someone's eating the house again. 162 00:08:20,280 --> 00:08:22,280 What? 163 00:08:22,320 --> 00:08:24,720 Oh, no, don't say! 164 00:08:24,760 --> 00:08:27,200 Oh, my God! 165 00:08:27,240 --> 00:08:28,960 Oh, shit on it! Wilson! 166 00:08:29,000 --> 00:08:31,440 Oh, Martin, take him upstairs, will you? 167 00:08:31,480 --> 00:08:33,880 Pissing hell! And not in our room. 168 00:08:33,920 --> 00:08:36,480 No, because he mustn't get in the way of your nippy-nippy. 169 00:08:36,520 --> 00:08:37,640 Ow! 170 00:08:37,680 --> 00:08:38,680 DOORBELL 171 00:08:38,720 --> 00:08:42,520 Dad's condom delivery? Ow! 172 00:08:42,560 --> 00:08:45,080 Um, hello, again, boys. 173 00:08:45,120 --> 00:08:49,120 Hi, Jim, er, why are you... Wet? Yeah... 174 00:08:49,280 --> 00:08:53,280 Oh, well, um, after you left the restaurant that we were in, 175 00:08:53,600 --> 00:08:56,400 I sort of set the tablecloth on fire 176 00:08:56,440 --> 00:08:58,560 which sort of set off the um... 177 00:08:58,600 --> 00:09:00,280 Sprinkler system. 178 00:09:00,320 --> 00:09:03,160 SHE LAUGHS NERVOUSLY 179 00:09:03,200 --> 00:09:07,200 Yes, which sort of made us, and all the other people in there, wet. 180 00:09:08,360 --> 00:09:09,800 Very, very wet. 181 00:09:09,840 --> 00:09:12,040 GIGGLING 182 00:09:12,080 --> 00:09:14,920 So, we went back to my house to get dry. 183 00:09:14,960 --> 00:09:18,760 But on the way I slipped on a worm. A worm? Yes. 184 00:09:18,800 --> 00:09:22,800 And dropped my keys all down a sort of drain. 185 00:09:22,920 --> 00:09:26,160 So you're...? We're locked out. 186 00:09:26,200 --> 00:09:28,440 SHE GIGGLES NERVOUSLY 187 00:09:28,480 --> 00:09:31,000 Mum! 188 00:09:31,040 --> 00:09:33,520 Um, is it all right if I use your bog, please? 189 00:09:33,560 --> 00:09:34,920 SHE GIGGLES 190 00:09:34,960 --> 00:09:38,960 Er, sure, the bog is just here. 191 00:09:39,040 --> 00:09:42,360 GIGGLING 192 00:09:42,400 --> 00:09:45,160 The locksmith man won't be very long. 193 00:09:45,200 --> 00:09:46,480 How's Wilson? 194 00:09:46,520 --> 00:09:48,760 Oh, it's you. 195 00:09:48,800 --> 00:09:50,880 Hello, Jackie, you look nice. 196 00:09:50,920 --> 00:09:54,920 Having dinner with your sister, were you? Pardon, Jackie? 197 00:09:55,640 --> 00:09:59,640 Hello. Can I...? Um, I can't seem to find the light switch in your bog. 198 00:09:59,880 --> 00:10:03,280 GIGGLING 199 00:10:03,320 --> 00:10:06,840 Um, here. 200 00:10:06,880 --> 00:10:09,920 Oh, sorry. Jackie, this is Jackie. 201 00:10:09,960 --> 00:10:13,960 GIGGLING 202 00:10:17,560 --> 00:10:20,280 So, Jim. Here's some of Martin's clothes for you. 203 00:10:20,320 --> 00:10:22,720 Thank you, Martin. Sodding hell. 204 00:10:22,760 --> 00:10:26,680 And, um, here's some of my things. I hope they're OK. 205 00:10:26,720 --> 00:10:29,360 I'm sure they'll be just lovely. Jackie. 206 00:10:29,400 --> 00:10:32,960 GIGGLING 207 00:10:33,000 --> 00:10:35,680 I don't seem to have any under-garments. 208 00:10:35,720 --> 00:10:39,720 Under-garments? Yes, you know, for my...sensual regions. 209 00:10:40,360 --> 00:10:42,000 Of course, Jim. Here we are. 210 00:10:42,040 --> 00:10:46,040 Here, Jim. Little shit. 211 00:10:46,880 --> 00:10:48,480 Um, maybe get changed in the spare room? 212 00:10:48,520 --> 00:10:52,520 Yes, yes. The spare room. 213 00:10:54,760 --> 00:10:58,520 So, we'll...leave you to it, then, Jackie. 214 00:10:58,560 --> 00:11:00,280 Thank you. Jackie. 215 00:11:00,320 --> 00:11:04,080 GIGGLING 216 00:11:04,120 --> 00:11:08,080 Okey dokey. 217 00:11:08,120 --> 00:11:10,440 What a personality! 218 00:11:10,480 --> 00:11:11,560 This way, Jim. 219 00:11:11,600 --> 00:11:13,480 MUFFLED GIGGLING 220 00:11:13,520 --> 00:11:16,360 She's still bloody laughing. 221 00:11:16,400 --> 00:11:19,200 Wa-hey! 222 00:11:19,240 --> 00:11:20,480 Right. 223 00:11:20,520 --> 00:11:22,680 "My sister's scared of dogs." Is she? 224 00:11:22,720 --> 00:11:25,760 Your sister's scared of dogs, Jackie? 225 00:11:25,800 --> 00:11:27,760 Not my sister, your sister. 226 00:11:27,800 --> 00:11:31,800 My sister... Yes! Well... 227 00:11:32,480 --> 00:11:34,480 Lorraine... Lorraine? 228 00:11:34,520 --> 00:11:37,360 You don't have a sister, do you, Jim? I have a sort of sister. 229 00:11:37,400 --> 00:11:40,960 Sort of sister? You know, the male version of a sister. 230 00:11:41,000 --> 00:11:43,160 You mean, brother? Yes, brother. 231 00:11:43,200 --> 00:11:47,200 I'm sorry, Jackie. When I saw Jackie on the computer system, 232 00:11:47,640 --> 00:11:51,640 it said she really didn't like dogs, so... 233 00:11:51,760 --> 00:11:54,640 Computer system? What, you met her online? On a line? 234 00:11:54,680 --> 00:11:57,280 Your dog's eaten half our bloody house. 235 00:11:57,320 --> 00:12:01,320 Perhaps I should have a word with him. 236 00:12:02,440 --> 00:12:06,440 Ooh, it's probably best not to tell the other Jackie 237 00:12:06,560 --> 00:12:09,840 that it's my dog because, well, you know... 238 00:12:09,880 --> 00:12:13,160 Yes, Jim. He won't get any nippy-nippy. Jonny! 239 00:12:13,200 --> 00:12:15,240 Well, go on. 240 00:12:15,280 --> 00:12:16,920 You put him in my room! 241 00:12:16,960 --> 00:12:19,040 It's your old room, stupid. But... 242 00:12:19,080 --> 00:12:20,160 Wilson. 243 00:12:20,200 --> 00:12:21,480 DOG WHIMPERS 244 00:12:21,520 --> 00:12:22,960 Oh! Fabulous. 245 00:12:23,000 --> 00:12:24,840 Great. He also eats beds. 246 00:12:24,880 --> 00:12:27,520 Oh, Wilson! 247 00:12:27,560 --> 00:12:28,840 Look at this mess. 248 00:12:28,880 --> 00:12:32,440 Hello. GIGGLING 249 00:12:32,480 --> 00:12:34,160 Ooh... Is that a dog? 250 00:12:34,200 --> 00:12:36,720 NERVOUS GIGGLING 251 00:12:36,760 --> 00:12:38,400 Yes, yes, it is a dog. 252 00:12:38,440 --> 00:12:42,440 It's not my dog, Jackie, because I don't have a dog. 253 00:12:42,720 --> 00:12:45,320 Do I, Jackie? Uh, no, Jim. 254 00:12:45,360 --> 00:12:47,760 What's its, um, name? 255 00:12:47,800 --> 00:12:49,520 Oh, Nippy-Nippy. 256 00:12:49,560 --> 00:12:51,800 Yes, he's called Nippy-Nippy. 257 00:12:51,840 --> 00:12:53,720 Githeads! 258 00:12:53,760 --> 00:12:55,680 Oh, I could never live with a dog. Nor me. 259 00:12:55,720 --> 00:12:59,720 In fact, I...I hate and despise all dogs. 260 00:13:00,320 --> 00:13:02,920 Bad, bad dog! Bad, bad dog! 261 00:13:02,960 --> 00:13:05,520 DOG WHIMPERS 262 00:13:05,560 --> 00:13:07,080 You see? 263 00:13:07,120 --> 00:13:09,080 Is your locksmith going to be much longer, Jim? 264 00:13:09,120 --> 00:13:10,720 Not too long, Martin. 265 00:13:10,760 --> 00:13:13,920 Because it's sort of getting late, and we haven't eaten yet, so... 266 00:13:13,960 --> 00:13:17,960 I know, Jackie. Um, neither have we. 267 00:13:18,160 --> 00:13:19,500 GIGGLING 268 00:13:20,160 --> 00:13:23,040 My night off, and I'm bloody cooking again! 269 00:13:23,080 --> 00:13:25,640 How did I become the official caterer of Jim's bloody date? 270 00:13:25,680 --> 00:13:27,360 Hands-off! Ooh! 271 00:13:27,400 --> 00:13:30,720 And you, jaws off. Stay, Nippy-Nippy! 272 00:13:30,760 --> 00:13:32,320 Don't. Arseholes. 273 00:13:32,360 --> 00:13:34,480 Hello! Here's the Chinese. 274 00:13:34,520 --> 00:13:38,520 Er, Some duck, I made some extra noodles... 275 00:13:39,120 --> 00:13:43,000 How are we all getting on, then? I'm fine, thank you, Jackie! 276 00:13:43,040 --> 00:13:45,160 You're sure you're OK in those clothes, Jim? 277 00:13:45,200 --> 00:13:49,200 STRAINED: I'm very comfortable... HE CHOKES 278 00:13:51,880 --> 00:13:55,880 HE EXHALES 279 00:13:57,800 --> 00:14:01,560 HE EXHALES 280 00:14:01,600 --> 00:14:04,000 Well, help yourselves! Thank you, Jackie. 281 00:14:04,040 --> 00:14:07,760 I think Jackie and I will have our meal 282 00:14:07,800 --> 00:14:10,520 after we've had our conversation. 283 00:14:10,560 --> 00:14:13,400 Your conversation? Yes! Our conversation. 284 00:14:13,440 --> 00:14:17,440 SHE LAUGHS 285 00:14:18,360 --> 00:14:22,360 Erm...OK, then? 286 00:14:25,960 --> 00:14:26,960 HE CLEARS HIS THROAT 287 00:14:27,000 --> 00:14:31,000 HE COUGHS 288 00:14:31,640 --> 00:14:34,720 Are you OK? Jim? Have some water! 289 00:14:34,760 --> 00:14:38,760 Pepper! Pepper? 290 00:14:44,560 --> 00:14:45,880 Achoo! 291 00:14:45,920 --> 00:14:49,920 Achoo! Achoo! Achoo! Achoo! Achoo! 292 00:14:52,360 --> 00:14:56,360 Achoo! 293 00:14:57,840 --> 00:15:01,840 Coughing stopped! It always works. 294 00:15:06,200 --> 00:15:10,200 So, Jackie, do you live nearby? Oh, yes! Yes. 295 00:15:13,760 --> 00:15:17,760 Jackie? Do you live nearby? Erm... 296 00:15:18,240 --> 00:15:22,240 Not too near. But also... 297 00:15:22,360 --> 00:15:26,240 ..not too far. SHE LAUGHS 298 00:15:26,280 --> 00:15:29,160 LAUGHTER CONTINUES 299 00:15:29,200 --> 00:15:33,040 Is it her turn now to ask a question? That's right, Jim. 300 00:15:33,080 --> 00:15:37,080 Yes, because you're having your conversation. Yes, our conversation. 301 00:15:38,760 --> 00:15:40,680 Your go? 302 00:15:40,720 --> 00:15:42,880 Oh! One moment, please. 303 00:15:42,920 --> 00:15:45,480 SHE LAUGHS 304 00:15:45,520 --> 00:15:49,240 Off to the bog? Never coming back? It is going well, isn't it? 305 00:15:49,280 --> 00:15:50,280 Very well. 306 00:15:50,320 --> 00:15:52,440 SHE LAUGHS 307 00:15:52,480 --> 00:15:56,480 SHE EXHALES 308 00:15:56,960 --> 00:16:00,960 Right. 309 00:16:01,680 --> 00:16:03,600 Have you got any brothers and sisters? 310 00:16:03,640 --> 00:16:06,160 SHE LAUGHS 311 00:16:06,200 --> 00:16:09,000 Yes. I have a brother... 312 00:16:09,040 --> 00:16:12,320 Lorraine. Where's this pissing locksmith? 313 00:16:12,360 --> 00:16:16,360 He'll be...five minutes, Martin. Thank you, Jim. 314 00:16:16,400 --> 00:16:20,400 I once went to Switzerland! Ooh, Switzerland? Yes! 315 00:16:20,640 --> 00:16:23,840 To have a special operation on my bottom. 316 00:16:23,880 --> 00:16:27,880 Wonderful. Not on my bottom, it was in my bottom. 317 00:16:28,200 --> 00:16:32,200 Have you ever had a special operation on or in your bottom? 318 00:16:34,120 --> 00:16:38,120 No, but I was once given some penicillin for my... 319 00:16:38,640 --> 00:16:42,200 ..foofoo. SHE LAUGHS 320 00:16:42,240 --> 00:16:46,240 Sorry, Jim...one second. 321 00:16:52,720 --> 00:16:55,400 Achoo! Achoo! 322 00:16:55,440 --> 00:16:58,640 Achoo! Achoo! Achoo! 323 00:16:58,680 --> 00:16:59,760 SHE SIGHS 324 00:16:59,800 --> 00:17:02,040 If you find me facedown in that hot tub later... 325 00:17:02,080 --> 00:17:04,320 Penicillin for her foofoo? 326 00:17:04,360 --> 00:17:08,000 KNOCK ON DOOR Hello? 327 00:17:08,040 --> 00:17:10,120 Ooh, sorry, everyone. 328 00:17:10,160 --> 00:17:14,160 I just wanted to let you know... that tonight is probably 329 00:17:16,600 --> 00:17:20,600 the greatest night of my entire life! 330 00:17:21,760 --> 00:17:24,080 Really, Jim? Oh, yes, Jackie! 331 00:17:24,120 --> 00:17:28,120 I think she might be...the one! 332 00:17:34,880 --> 00:17:37,840 Oh, my God, he thinks she's the one! 333 00:17:37,880 --> 00:17:40,680 What, the one that murders us all? That's horrible! 334 00:17:40,720 --> 00:17:43,640 Ohh...how exciting! 335 00:17:43,680 --> 00:17:45,680 Come on, five minutes to freedom. 336 00:17:45,720 --> 00:17:48,560 And then, straight in that hot tub. Hot toilet. 337 00:17:48,600 --> 00:17:50,680 HE LAUGHS Right! 338 00:17:50,720 --> 00:17:53,120 How are our two love birds? SHE LAUGHS 339 00:17:53,160 --> 00:17:55,760 Mum? Four minutes 50, and counting. 340 00:17:55,800 --> 00:17:59,800 Oh, yes! Regarding the locksmith man, it wasn't five minutes, 341 00:18:01,000 --> 00:18:04,440 it was 95 minutes! 342 00:18:04,480 --> 00:18:06,760 Jim? 95 minutes? That's it. 343 00:18:06,800 --> 00:18:09,920 I'm going to my bloody shed. Martin! 344 00:18:09,960 --> 00:18:12,560 Wait... WOOD CRACKS 345 00:18:12,600 --> 00:18:15,160 Oh, good, the beaver's back. What? 346 00:18:15,200 --> 00:18:19,200 TABLES CRASHES 347 00:18:19,480 --> 00:18:23,480 Shitting tits! 348 00:18:27,200 --> 00:18:31,200 Ooh, there's a bit... there's another bit... 349 00:18:31,440 --> 00:18:33,120 Erm...thank you, Jim. Yeah. 350 00:18:33,160 --> 00:18:35,680 You sure you're all right, sitting there? 351 00:18:35,720 --> 00:18:37,880 We're fine! Aren't we, Jackie? 352 00:18:37,920 --> 00:18:41,920 Oh, yes! SHE LAUGHS 353 00:18:44,440 --> 00:18:48,360 Unbelievable. They just sat there. Is strangling still a crime? 354 00:18:48,400 --> 00:18:49,800 Shh! 355 00:18:49,840 --> 00:18:53,840 Oh, boys, how are we going to get rid of them? Set the house on fire? 356 00:18:55,280 --> 00:18:56,560 Not that door! 357 00:18:56,600 --> 00:18:59,800 DOG BARKS 358 00:18:59,840 --> 00:19:02,360 Oh, crap. 359 00:19:02,400 --> 00:19:04,680 Nippy-Nippy? Nippy-Nippy! 360 00:19:04,720 --> 00:19:06,600 How are we supposed to find the bleeding thing 361 00:19:06,640 --> 00:19:08,440 if we can't use its real name? 362 00:19:08,480 --> 00:19:12,080 Sorry, real name? Oh, you little shits. 363 00:19:12,120 --> 00:19:15,680 Nippy-Nippy? Oh, great, now I'll have that sodding dog in my head 364 00:19:15,720 --> 00:19:19,720 next time I'm astride your mother. Martin...astride? Jackie! 365 00:19:20,120 --> 00:19:24,120 I was just wondering, might there be any other name you 366 00:19:25,040 --> 00:19:29,040 sometimes use for Nippy-Nippy? Like, for example, I don't know... 367 00:19:31,360 --> 00:19:33,040 Wilson? 368 00:19:33,080 --> 00:19:37,080 Erm, actually...Jim, we do sometimes call him Wilson, yes! 369 00:19:39,400 --> 00:19:43,400 It's funny...I just guessed their dog's other name! 370 00:19:46,000 --> 00:19:49,040 Wilson? Wilson! DOG BARKS 371 00:19:49,080 --> 00:19:52,800 Oh, champagne to celebrate! I mean, no champagne! 372 00:19:52,840 --> 00:19:56,840 Bad dog, bad Nippy-Nippy! Terrible Nippy-Nippy! 373 00:19:57,200 --> 00:19:58,880 I'm so happy you got your dog back. 374 00:19:58,920 --> 00:20:02,000 SHE LAUGHS Yeah! 375 00:20:02,040 --> 00:20:06,040 Yes, I, too, am so happy you got your dog back, also. 376 00:20:11,920 --> 00:20:13,760 It's your dog, really, isn't it, Jim? 377 00:20:13,800 --> 00:20:16,880 SHE LAUGHS 378 00:20:16,920 --> 00:20:19,920 Sorry...Jackie, yes. 379 00:20:19,960 --> 00:20:23,960 Nippy-Nip...Wilson is my dog. 380 00:20:25,520 --> 00:20:29,520 I don't mind. 381 00:20:30,600 --> 00:20:32,280 HE CHUCKLES 382 00:20:32,320 --> 00:20:34,880 Aww! 383 00:20:34,920 --> 00:20:38,360 Ohh, isn't this lovely? Yeah. 384 00:20:38,400 --> 00:20:42,400 And...sorry, I never even asked you, Jackie. What is it you do? 385 00:20:43,280 --> 00:20:46,320 Oh! Er, well, I was working as a legal secretary. 386 00:20:46,360 --> 00:20:49,400 SHE LAUGHS Ooh, someone's a clever clogs. 387 00:20:49,440 --> 00:20:52,160 But then I left my job because I didn't really like the people. 388 00:20:52,200 --> 00:20:54,200 Oh, dear, why is that? 389 00:20:54,240 --> 00:20:55,240 They were Jews. 390 00:20:55,280 --> 00:20:58,480 SHE LAUGHS 391 00:20:58,520 --> 00:21:00,360 What I meant was... That's it, keep talking. 392 00:21:00,400 --> 00:21:02,960 ..that not all Jews are bad, but the ones I've met... 393 00:21:03,000 --> 00:21:04,600 And here we are! And... 394 00:21:04,640 --> 00:21:07,680 SHE LAUGHS 395 00:21:07,720 --> 00:21:11,720 And now...piss off. 396 00:21:13,880 --> 00:21:17,880 She was nice... until she wasn't nice. 397 00:21:18,720 --> 00:21:22,720 Sorry, Jim. It's OK, Martin, just a shame that she was... 398 00:21:23,040 --> 00:21:25,720 A Nazi? Yes, a Nazi. 399 00:21:25,760 --> 00:21:29,200 Who'd have thought? An evening with Mrs Goebbels. 400 00:21:29,240 --> 00:21:33,240 Is there anything I can do to make amends to your poor, poor people? 401 00:21:36,280 --> 00:21:38,960 Shalom... 402 00:21:39,000 --> 00:21:41,000 BOTH: Shalom. 403 00:21:41,040 --> 00:21:44,160 I think the best thing would be for you to go home now, Jim. 404 00:21:44,200 --> 00:21:47,560 Yes, of course, Jackie. Yeah. 405 00:21:47,600 --> 00:21:51,600 Maybe if I said a few extra shaloms, you know...in penance? 406 00:21:54,880 --> 00:21:58,880 That idea, Jim. Well, goodnight. Goodnight. 407 00:21:59,280 --> 00:22:03,280 Ooh, how many shaloms should I do, exactly? 408 00:22:04,040 --> 00:22:06,720 20,000. 409 00:22:06,760 --> 00:22:09,080 Shalom! 410 00:22:09,120 --> 00:22:13,120 Shalom! 411 00:22:17,480 --> 00:22:19,320 I cannot believe you're making us do this. 412 00:22:19,360 --> 00:22:21,440 Oh, stop moaning, it'd be nice! 413 00:22:21,480 --> 00:22:24,360 What, lying in our parents' sex water? 414 00:22:24,400 --> 00:22:27,160 Sex water! Adam! Ooh. HE LAUGHS 415 00:22:27,200 --> 00:22:31,200 Oh! Martin! Oh...God. THEY LAUGH 416 00:22:31,480 --> 00:22:34,120 Seriously, if there's even a hint of Nippy-Nippy... 417 00:22:34,160 --> 00:22:37,400 Shitting hell! Hello, all! Oh, my God! 418 00:22:37,440 --> 00:22:41,040 I thought it best to do my shaloms in here, you know, 419 00:22:41,080 --> 00:22:43,680 in the Jewish bath? 420 00:22:43,720 --> 00:22:45,920 Shalom... 421 00:22:45,960 --> 00:22:49,960 Jim? Mmm? Please get out. Yes, of course, Jackie. 422 00:22:50,160 --> 00:22:51,720 THEY EXCLAIM 423 00:22:51,760 --> 00:22:55,760 Shalom... I'll get the bleach. 30871

Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.