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1
00:00:01,794 --> 00:00:04,556
[bluesy harmonica music]
2
00:00:04,625 --> 00:00:07,731
- I like it, but I am curious,
3
00:00:07,731 --> 00:00:09,802
why are we doing
Monday night dinner tradition
4
00:00:09,837 --> 00:00:10,803
all of the sudden?
5
00:00:10,838 --> 00:00:12,391
- Everybody's really busy,
6
00:00:12,460 --> 00:00:14,221
and I thought connecting
over dinner would be
7
00:00:14,290 --> 00:00:15,774
a nice way to start the week.
8
00:00:15,808 --> 00:00:18,708
- And I got a deal on meat.
9
00:00:18,777 --> 00:00:20,192
I found out the market doesn't
10
00:00:20,227 --> 00:00:22,056
throw away expired meat
on the weekends
11
00:00:22,056 --> 00:00:23,540
'cause there's no trash pickup.
12
00:00:23,540 --> 00:00:25,577
Once you're in the know,
13
00:00:25,646 --> 00:00:28,235
you ask the butcher
on Monday morning,
14
00:00:28,235 --> 00:00:30,306
and you get it for half price.
15
00:00:31,652 --> 00:00:35,759
- So we're basically beating
the beef to the dumpster?
16
00:00:35,828 --> 00:00:39,211
- Pfft. There's no way
it's beef at this price.
17
00:00:39,246 --> 00:00:41,248
- Hey, look at all
the dessert we got
18
00:00:41,317 --> 00:00:44,320
at the day-old bakery outlet.
19
00:00:44,354 --> 00:00:47,771
- Oh, that's perfect.
Dad's serving day-old beef.
20
00:00:47,840 --> 00:00:50,257
- So listen, I have
to talk to everybody
21
00:00:50,257 --> 00:00:51,568
about Mark's graduation.
22
00:00:51,603 --> 00:00:54,088
They are only giving
three tickets to family,
23
00:00:54,157 --> 00:00:55,538
so I'm really sorry,
it's just gonna be
24
00:00:55,572 --> 00:00:57,057
me, Ben, and Harris.
- Aww.
25
00:00:57,091 --> 00:00:58,265
- Well, since you
brought it up,
26
00:00:58,334 --> 00:00:59,990
there's only room
for five people in my will,
27
00:01:00,025 --> 00:01:01,854
so Mark's out.
28
00:01:03,339 --> 00:01:05,236
- We're all out.
There's no room
29
00:01:05,272 --> 00:01:06,997
because of the bank,
the mortgage company,
30
00:01:07,032 --> 00:01:09,069
Capital One,
and the very generous
31
00:01:09,103 --> 00:01:13,107
but unwise people at BevMo!
who let you open a tab.
32
00:01:13,107 --> 00:01:15,765
- Well, whether we go
to the ceremony or not,
33
00:01:15,799 --> 00:01:18,561
we've gotta do something
special for Mark's graduation--
34
00:01:18,595 --> 00:01:20,977
like surprise party?
- Yeah.
35
00:01:21,045 --> 00:01:22,771
- Well, I have time
to organize the thing.
36
00:01:22,771 --> 00:01:24,049
I'll do it.
37
00:01:24,084 --> 00:01:26,120
I'll just need help
decorating The Lunch Box.
38
00:01:26,189 --> 00:01:27,604
- The Lunch Box?
39
00:01:27,639 --> 00:01:29,295
We go there almost every day
of our lives.
40
00:01:29,295 --> 00:01:30,297
How is that special?
41
00:01:30,297 --> 00:01:31,988
- Hey, a lot of...
42
00:01:32,057 --> 00:01:35,578
important family moments have
taken place at The Lunch Box.
43
00:01:35,612 --> 00:01:38,027
I mean, sure, I had
a nervous breakdown there once
44
00:01:38,063 --> 00:01:39,616
when it was
a Chinese restaurant.
45
00:01:39,616 --> 00:01:41,652
And, uh, of course,
46
00:01:41,652 --> 00:01:44,138
Roseanne got mugged there.
47
00:01:44,207 --> 00:01:45,829
- And when you took it over,
48
00:01:45,898 --> 00:01:47,590
it basically tore
the family apart.
49
00:01:47,624 --> 00:01:49,971
- Oh, don't forget,
that's why you slapped me.
50
00:01:49,971 --> 00:01:52,215
- Yep, yeah. Thank you.
51
00:01:52,250 --> 00:01:55,080
So what...
52
00:01:55,115 --> 00:01:57,013
what was my point again?
53
00:01:57,082 --> 00:02:01,017
- That The Lunch Box is
a black hole of tragedy.
54
00:02:01,017 --> 00:02:03,951
But it's free.
So that's where we'll do it.
55
00:02:03,985 --> 00:02:05,332
- Hey.
- [gasps]
56
00:02:05,401 --> 00:02:07,057
Oh, my God,
I forgot I was supposed
57
00:02:07,092 --> 00:02:08,507
to pick you up from school.
58
00:02:08,507 --> 00:02:10,406
- Ah, that's okay.
He called me, I picked him up.
59
00:02:10,440 --> 00:02:12,166
We had a lot of fun
talking smack about you
60
00:02:12,166 --> 00:02:14,341
the whole way home.
61
00:02:14,341 --> 00:02:15,756
Well, go on,
tell 'em your news, dude!
62
00:02:15,790 --> 00:02:18,793
- I ended up with the highest
GPA in the Honor Society,
63
00:02:18,828 --> 00:02:20,726
so I get to speak
at graduation.
64
00:02:20,761 --> 00:02:23,764
[all cheer]
65
00:02:23,798 --> 00:02:25,524
- Huh, how 'bout this guy?
66
00:02:25,593 --> 00:02:27,802
- You speaking
in front of 400 students
67
00:02:27,837 --> 00:02:29,252
is quite an honor.
68
00:02:29,287 --> 00:02:30,943
Can't wait to read about it
in the paper.
69
00:02:32,600 --> 00:02:33,531
- I'm sorry, Grandpa.
70
00:02:33,601 --> 00:02:34,671
I know there's
not enough seats.
71
00:02:34,740 --> 00:02:36,017
- No, this is awful.
72
00:02:36,086 --> 00:02:38,606
Grandpa, I know
how important it is
73
00:02:38,641 --> 00:02:41,506
for you to be there,
and I have a ticket, so...
74
00:02:41,540 --> 00:02:44,164
let's start the bidding at $25.
75
00:02:45,372 --> 00:02:47,270
- Sorry, um,
76
00:02:47,305 --> 00:02:49,478
I'm actually gonna need
your ticket too.
77
00:02:49,514 --> 00:02:51,516
Dad called. He's coming.
78
00:02:55,899 --> 00:02:58,454
- Well, he sure didn't mention
that on the way home.
79
00:02:59,696 --> 00:03:02,699
[bluesy rock music]
80
00:03:02,699 --> 00:03:09,775
♪
81
00:03:20,234 --> 00:03:21,408
- "The Conners" is filmed
82
00:03:21,408 --> 00:03:23,064
in front of a live
studio audience.
83
00:03:23,064 --> 00:03:24,583
- This is weird.
84
00:03:24,652 --> 00:03:27,724
Why would Dad suddenly show up
after four years?
85
00:03:27,759 --> 00:03:28,829
- I think we should
embrace this.
86
00:03:28,863 --> 00:03:30,727
Let's welcome him into our home
87
00:03:30,762 --> 00:03:32,728
and poison him
with your dumpster meat.
88
00:03:34,041 --> 00:03:35,870
- He's not gonna
show up anyway.
89
00:03:35,905 --> 00:03:37,769
He's just gonna flake
like he always does.
90
00:03:37,769 --> 00:03:39,978
- Yeah, and Mark will be
crushed if that happens.
91
00:03:40,012 --> 00:03:41,151
I don't like any of this.
92
00:03:41,186 --> 00:03:42,601
You know,
I gotta talk to David.
93
00:03:42,670 --> 00:03:44,845
- Whoa, whoa, whoa,
just be careful.
94
00:03:44,879 --> 00:03:47,261
You know, the bond
between a son and a father
95
00:03:47,329 --> 00:03:49,608
is very complicated.
96
00:03:49,677 --> 00:03:52,404
Luckily, I've worked through
all the emotional garbage
97
00:03:52,439 --> 00:03:54,786
I had with my dad.
98
00:03:54,855 --> 00:03:57,098
Well, I'm gonna go get
some tequila from the garage
99
00:03:57,098 --> 00:03:59,618
and do...
100
00:03:59,687 --> 00:04:03,104
do some double shots for...
101
00:04:03,104 --> 00:04:04,520
no reason at all.
102
00:04:06,004 --> 00:04:07,557
- You see the damage
103
00:04:07,592 --> 00:04:09,214
a crappy father can do?
104
00:04:09,249 --> 00:04:11,112
And this is so David.
105
00:04:11,181 --> 00:04:12,804
He just goes
through these phases
106
00:04:12,804 --> 00:04:15,047
where he thinks he can
show up and make good,
107
00:04:15,082 --> 00:04:17,326
and then he can't bear the idea
of people confronting him
108
00:04:17,394 --> 00:04:20,570
about being an absent father,
and he runs away again.
109
00:04:20,605 --> 00:04:23,193
[sighs] You know what?
I--I gotta text him.
110
00:04:23,228 --> 00:04:24,367
- I'm with Ben.
111
00:04:24,402 --> 00:04:26,645
For Mark's sake,
just try and be cool.
112
00:04:26,645 --> 00:04:28,129
- Yeah, of course.
113
00:04:29,752 --> 00:04:32,893
The emoji that looks
like frozen yogurt
114
00:04:32,927 --> 00:04:34,377
but it's brown and has eyes,
115
00:04:34,412 --> 00:04:36,345
that's what
I think it is, right?
116
00:04:38,726 --> 00:04:43,144
- So no pressure, Louise,
but if David doesn't show,
117
00:04:43,179 --> 00:04:46,355
this surprise party has to be
so good that Mark forgets
118
00:04:46,355 --> 00:04:48,564
about his heartbreaking
relationship with his father
119
00:04:48,598 --> 00:04:49,909
who abandoned him once again.
120
00:04:49,944 --> 00:04:54,363
So I'm thinking photo booth.
121
00:04:55,502 --> 00:04:56,675
- Oh, perfect.
122
00:04:56,675 --> 00:04:59,159
That way he can
take a picture like this.
123
00:04:59,159 --> 00:05:01,956
This is where
my dad should've been.
124
00:05:01,991 --> 00:05:04,027
- Okay, what's
your bright idea?
125
00:05:04,096 --> 00:05:06,961
- We should take him
on a limo ride.
126
00:05:06,996 --> 00:05:09,032
- Yeah, we should spend
a hundred bucks
127
00:05:09,032 --> 00:05:11,621
so he can stick his head
out a moonroof and yell,
128
00:05:11,656 --> 00:05:13,589
"Whoo-hoo! Class of '23!
129
00:05:13,623 --> 00:05:16,419
I have no friends
and my mom's a lunch lady!"
130
00:05:17,627 --> 00:05:20,009
- You know what they say,
pitch, don't bitch.
131
00:05:20,009 --> 00:05:21,113
What've you got?
132
00:05:21,148 --> 00:05:24,013
- Well, I think
he'd prefer a DJ
133
00:05:24,047 --> 00:05:26,705
and a couple of food trucks
outside the house.
134
00:05:26,705 --> 00:05:28,362
There. I pitched, bitch.
135
00:05:28,431 --> 00:05:30,985
- No, no, no.
136
00:05:31,020 --> 00:05:33,540
- All right, look,
if I'm gonna do this,
137
00:05:33,609 --> 00:05:36,681
you are gonna all have to agree
on at least one thing.
138
00:05:36,715 --> 00:05:38,717
Otherwise it's gonna be a mess.
139
00:05:38,717 --> 00:05:42,376
- I've got an idea
that'll make everybody happy:
140
00:05:42,376 --> 00:05:44,344
a pinball machine.
141
00:05:46,518 --> 00:05:49,556
- Okay, we're hosting
this party at my restaurant,
142
00:05:49,625 --> 00:05:51,627
and I want the photo booth.
143
00:05:51,661 --> 00:05:54,595
You only graduate once,
and a photo booth is a way
144
00:05:54,595 --> 00:05:57,736
to commemorate this milestone
with the people that you love.
145
00:05:57,805 --> 00:06:01,050
Without it, it's like
it never even happened.
146
00:06:01,084 --> 00:06:03,466
I'm gonna get drunk with Ben
in the garage!
147
00:06:05,019 --> 00:06:08,851
[bluesy harmonica music]
148
00:06:08,885 --> 00:06:10,404
- I just talked to Dad.
149
00:06:10,473 --> 00:06:12,164
He said you texted him
and tried to talk him out
150
00:06:12,199 --> 00:06:13,511
of coming to my graduation?
151
00:06:13,545 --> 00:06:16,479
- No, I told him
not to promise he was coming
152
00:06:16,514 --> 00:06:18,585
if there was any chance
he was gonna bail.
153
00:06:18,654 --> 00:06:21,381
And I also told him
a nice graduation present
154
00:06:21,415 --> 00:06:24,004
for you would be a toaster
because ours is not wide enough
155
00:06:24,038 --> 00:06:25,695
to take bagels, thank you.
156
00:06:27,007 --> 00:06:28,595
- What were you thinking?
157
00:06:28,595 --> 00:06:31,598
Whether Dad comes or not
is none of your business.
158
00:06:31,598 --> 00:06:32,599
I want him there.
159
00:06:32,599 --> 00:06:34,255
- Since when is it so important
160
00:06:34,255 --> 00:06:35,325
to you to have him around?
161
00:06:35,360 --> 00:06:36,430
- Now.
162
00:06:36,430 --> 00:06:38,777
This is my first
big milestone in life.
163
00:06:38,846 --> 00:06:40,158
He left when I was
a little kid,
164
00:06:40,192 --> 00:06:42,022
and I wanna know my father.
165
00:06:42,056 --> 00:06:44,334
And you don't know
what's gonna happen this time.
166
00:06:44,369 --> 00:06:45,612
Maybe he's changed.
167
00:06:45,681 --> 00:06:48,442
- [sighs] Honey, you--
you sound just like I did
168
00:06:48,511 --> 00:06:50,271
my entire relationship
with him.
169
00:06:50,271 --> 00:06:52,101
I've known him for 30 years,
170
00:06:52,170 --> 00:06:53,827
and he never changes.
171
00:06:55,069 --> 00:06:57,347
- What's the common
denominator there?
172
00:06:57,382 --> 00:06:58,728
You.
173
00:06:58,763 --> 00:07:00,730
Maybe you're creating
a self-fulfilling prophecy.
174
00:07:00,765 --> 00:07:02,525
You're the one
who's scaring him off.
175
00:07:02,560 --> 00:07:04,424
- Wh--how am I scaring him off?
176
00:07:04,458 --> 00:07:05,804
- He probably knows
that if he comes,
177
00:07:05,873 --> 00:07:07,254
you're gonna point out
every single thing
178
00:07:07,288 --> 00:07:08,393
he's ever done wrong.
179
00:07:08,428 --> 00:07:09,946
- Sometimes it's good
to summarize.
180
00:07:09,981 --> 00:07:11,292
It helps people remember.
181
00:07:13,709 --> 00:07:14,917
- You're already blaming him
182
00:07:14,951 --> 00:07:16,815
for something
he hasn't even done.
183
00:07:16,884 --> 00:07:19,128
You're the one
who's ruining my day.
184
00:07:19,162 --> 00:07:21,164
You know, I'm old enough
to take care of myself now,
185
00:07:21,233 --> 00:07:23,719
so why don't you just
back off and let me.
186
00:07:23,753 --> 00:07:26,618
♪
187
00:07:28,586 --> 00:07:30,657
- [imitating horn]
188
00:07:30,657 --> 00:07:32,106
Your man is home from the hunt.
189
00:07:32,141 --> 00:07:34,246
Oh, you should've been there.
190
00:07:34,281 --> 00:07:37,249
I came face-to-face
with two double cheeseburgers,
191
00:07:37,284 --> 00:07:38,457
and I bagged 'em.
192
00:07:40,494 --> 00:07:41,737
- No fries?
193
00:07:41,771 --> 00:07:43,152
- Well, they tried
to make a run for it,
194
00:07:43,186 --> 00:07:45,844
but I trapped 'em
with my stomach.
195
00:07:45,844 --> 00:07:47,087
How's the party coming along?
196
00:07:47,121 --> 00:07:48,675
- It's impossible.
197
00:07:48,675 --> 00:07:50,573
Why is this family so casual
198
00:07:50,608 --> 00:07:52,368
about having
no health insurance,
199
00:07:52,437 --> 00:07:55,957
but they cannot live
without a DJ and a photo booth?
200
00:07:55,992 --> 00:07:58,685
- Just do
what you think is right.
201
00:07:58,685 --> 00:08:00,997
And get a pinball machine.
202
00:08:00,997 --> 00:08:02,689
- I'm serious, Dan.
203
00:08:02,689 --> 00:08:04,691
This is about celebrating Mark.
204
00:08:04,691 --> 00:08:08,349
Everybody already had
their big graduation moments.
205
00:08:08,349 --> 00:08:10,213
- Not really.
206
00:08:10,282 --> 00:08:12,319
Becky quit school, ran away,
and got married,
207
00:08:12,353 --> 00:08:14,079
so she just got her GED.
208
00:08:14,114 --> 00:08:16,116
Same thing with Harris.
209
00:08:16,150 --> 00:08:17,289
They never did the walk.
210
00:08:17,324 --> 00:08:19,706
- Well, I'm sure Jackie did.
211
00:08:19,775 --> 00:08:22,502
- Yeah, but her parents never
showed up at her graduation.
212
00:08:22,536 --> 00:08:24,504
She was crushed.
213
00:08:24,538 --> 00:08:27,230
So Roseanne and I had to act
like the proud parents.
214
00:08:27,230 --> 00:08:30,337
When Jackie crossed the stage,
Roseanne gets up and yells,
215
00:08:30,371 --> 00:08:32,650
"That's my baby girl!
216
00:08:32,683 --> 00:08:36,205
Go conquer the world
and get Mama an RV!"
217
00:08:38,034 --> 00:08:39,553
- Wow.
218
00:08:39,553 --> 00:08:41,003
What happened
at your graduation?
219
00:08:41,037 --> 00:08:42,280
- Oh, same thing.
220
00:08:42,313 --> 00:08:44,075
My parents blew it off too.
221
00:08:44,075 --> 00:08:46,146
The said the diploma was
just a piece of paper,
222
00:08:46,180 --> 00:08:47,561
and they weren't gonna
miss work for that.
223
00:08:47,561 --> 00:08:48,838
- Oh, God.
224
00:08:48,873 --> 00:08:50,184
Didn't that bother you?
225
00:08:50,219 --> 00:08:51,910
- Yeah, but I knew
I was pretty low
226
00:08:51,910 --> 00:08:53,463
on their list of priorities.
227
00:08:53,498 --> 00:08:55,638
So me and my buddies
just went down
228
00:08:55,673 --> 00:08:57,053
to the arcade
and played pinball.
229
00:08:57,122 --> 00:08:58,607
- Uh-huh.
230
00:08:58,676 --> 00:09:01,437
So that's why that pinball
machine is so important to you?
231
00:09:01,506 --> 00:09:04,164
- Yeah, those guys were
like family to me.
232
00:09:04,198 --> 00:09:06,097
Then we drank too much
and started hitting each other,
233
00:09:06,097 --> 00:09:08,513
so maybe too much like family.
234
00:09:08,548 --> 00:09:11,240
- Wow.
Your life sounds like Dickens.
235
00:09:11,309 --> 00:09:12,379
But dark.
236
00:09:12,413 --> 00:09:14,864
Anyway, I'm starting
to understand
237
00:09:14,899 --> 00:09:16,901
why everybody is getting
so triggered
238
00:09:16,935 --> 00:09:19,697
about what they wanna have
at Mark's party.
239
00:09:19,731 --> 00:09:20,870
I think I know what to do now.
240
00:09:20,905 --> 00:09:22,631
- Oh, good!
241
00:09:22,700 --> 00:09:25,703
Here's the number of the place
that rents pinball machines.
242
00:09:25,737 --> 00:09:28,188
[bluesy harmonica music]
243
00:09:28,222 --> 00:09:29,603
- Hey.
244
00:09:29,672 --> 00:09:31,087
- Hey. Food's ready.
245
00:09:31,156 --> 00:09:32,779
- Ooh.
246
00:09:32,779 --> 00:09:34,504
Hey, now that you're
a lunch lady,
247
00:09:34,539 --> 00:09:35,782
am I gonna have
the honor of seeing
248
00:09:35,782 --> 00:09:39,233
your professional
serving skills?
249
00:09:39,268 --> 00:09:42,961
- I don't know, are you ready
for a face full of hot corn?
250
00:09:42,961 --> 00:09:45,101
Now you get to serve it,
hardware boy.
251
00:09:46,447 --> 00:09:50,106
- Okay,
you're weaponizing corn.
252
00:09:50,141 --> 00:09:52,108
What's going on with you?
253
00:09:52,177 --> 00:09:54,145
- [sighs]
It's Mark.
254
00:09:54,145 --> 00:09:56,043
He's so anxious for his dad,
255
00:09:56,078 --> 00:09:58,149
who's never done anything
but disappoint him,
256
00:09:58,218 --> 00:10:00,738
to be at his graduation,
that now I'm the enemy.
257
00:10:00,772 --> 00:10:03,982
- I told you, there's nothing
you can do about this.
258
00:10:04,051 --> 00:10:06,571
It's classic--you blame
the parent you're with.
259
00:10:06,606 --> 00:10:08,159
- I know, but it isn't fair.
260
00:10:08,228 --> 00:10:09,781
- I get that this is tough,
261
00:10:09,816 --> 00:10:12,439
but, you know,
Mark's a man now,
262
00:10:12,473 --> 00:10:15,131
and he's gonna have to work
through this without you.
263
00:10:15,131 --> 00:10:16,823
- But he's not a man.
264
00:10:16,892 --> 00:10:19,273
He's my little butterfly.
265
00:10:21,621 --> 00:10:24,969
- Well, we may be honing in
on the problem here.
266
00:10:26,591 --> 00:10:29,836
Hey, we both know
that David's gonna screw up.
267
00:10:29,836 --> 00:10:33,736
And Mark's gonna have
to learn the hard lesson.
268
00:10:33,771 --> 00:10:36,394
And then we'll
pick up the pieces.
269
00:10:36,428 --> 00:10:37,464
You know?
270
00:10:37,498 --> 00:10:39,397
That's our job, right?
271
00:10:39,431 --> 00:10:40,640
- Yes.
272
00:10:41,813 --> 00:10:43,573
You're a nice man.
273
00:10:43,608 --> 00:10:45,506
I'm sorry
I threatened you with corn.
274
00:10:45,575 --> 00:10:46,784
- [chuckles]
275
00:10:48,337 --> 00:10:52,168
- Now can you please take
this pot pie to Mark?
276
00:10:52,168 --> 00:10:54,584
- Yes.
- And...
277
00:10:54,619 --> 00:10:57,484
please talk to him
about wearing black socks
278
00:10:57,518 --> 00:10:58,934
for his graduation speech.
279
00:10:58,968 --> 00:11:01,143
I do not want
to see white socks
280
00:11:01,177 --> 00:11:03,214
between his black shoes
and his black pants.
281
00:11:03,283 --> 00:11:05,043
It screams,
"I have a checked-out mom,
282
00:11:05,043 --> 00:11:07,011
and I'm about to moonwalk
across the stage."
283
00:11:11,636 --> 00:11:13,051
- Hey, Mark, why don't
you come on out, buddy?
284
00:11:13,120 --> 00:11:14,535
I got some dinner for us.
285
00:11:14,604 --> 00:11:17,297
- I'm not hungry.
- Oh, come on.
286
00:11:17,331 --> 00:11:21,542
Hey, your vegan mom cooked you
some chicken, okay?
287
00:11:21,542 --> 00:11:23,027
I even heard her whispering,
288
00:11:23,061 --> 00:11:25,546
"I'm sorry that everybody ate
your kids for breakfast
289
00:11:25,615 --> 00:11:27,307
"and now Mark's gonna eat you.
290
00:11:27,341 --> 00:11:28,998
"And women should
support women,
291
00:11:29,033 --> 00:11:30,966
so I feel really bad
about this."
292
00:11:31,000 --> 00:11:32,381
[chuckles]
293
00:11:32,415 --> 00:11:34,555
- Oh, my God,
just slide it under the sheet.
294
00:11:34,590 --> 00:11:37,697
- Oh, no, come on out here
and eat with me.
295
00:11:37,731 --> 00:11:39,629
Come on, we can watch
"Guardians of the Galaxy 2,"
296
00:11:39,664 --> 00:11:41,528
get ready for "Guardians 3."
297
00:11:41,562 --> 00:11:43,426
Going out on a limb here,
but I'm gonna say
298
00:11:43,426 --> 00:11:45,325
that they're gonna be
guarding a galaxy.
299
00:11:47,258 --> 00:11:48,535
- Do you think
they'll be battling
300
00:11:48,569 --> 00:11:51,503
intergalactic monsters
like my mother?
301
00:11:51,538 --> 00:11:53,436
- Come on.
302
00:11:53,505 --> 00:11:56,370
I know you're just mad 'cause
your mom talked to David,
303
00:11:56,405 --> 00:11:59,063
but she's just trying
to protect you.
304
00:11:59,097 --> 00:12:00,064
- [scoffs]
- Huh?
305
00:12:00,098 --> 00:12:01,410
You get that, right?
306
00:12:01,444 --> 00:12:02,860
- Of course you're
on Mom's side.
307
00:12:02,894 --> 00:12:04,931
- Whoa, hey, hold on.
308
00:12:05,000 --> 00:12:07,036
I'm not on anyone's side.
309
00:12:07,071 --> 00:12:09,107
You don't have to get
so defensive.
310
00:12:09,107 --> 00:12:10,557
- Why would I be defensive?
311
00:12:10,591 --> 00:12:13,042
A guy who's not my dad
comes in here
312
00:12:13,077 --> 00:12:15,010
and wants to give his opinion
on my actual dad.
313
00:12:15,044 --> 00:12:17,564
- Hey, hey,
don't talk to Ben like that.
314
00:12:17,598 --> 00:12:20,670
- Wait, hang on.
I am not giving any opinions.
315
00:12:20,705 --> 00:12:22,362
I am just bringing you dinner
316
00:12:22,396 --> 00:12:23,915
and trying to watch a movie
with you.
317
00:12:23,950 --> 00:12:25,883
I--I don't wanna talk
about your dad.
318
00:12:25,917 --> 00:12:28,437
- Good, because it's
not your place.
319
00:12:28,506 --> 00:12:29,887
You don't even know him.
320
00:12:32,786 --> 00:12:35,064
- No one knows him, Mark,
321
00:12:35,099 --> 00:12:36,859
because he's never around.
322
00:12:38,309 --> 00:12:41,243
If he was, I wouldn't be
the one coaxing you
323
00:12:41,277 --> 00:12:43,797
into eating dinner so we can
get some food into you
324
00:12:43,797 --> 00:12:45,454
while you take shots at me!
325
00:12:45,488 --> 00:12:47,490
Oh, and your mother has
a message.
326
00:12:47,490 --> 00:12:50,148
Don't wear white socks
with your black suit
327
00:12:50,217 --> 00:12:52,254
'cause it looks like
you're gonna get your diploma
328
00:12:52,288 --> 00:12:54,463
and break into "Billie Jean"!
329
00:12:58,294 --> 00:13:00,158
- What is his problem?
330
00:13:00,158 --> 00:13:02,885
I just want my dad
at my high school graduation.
331
00:13:02,920 --> 00:13:04,576
Everyone else has that.
Why can't I?
332
00:13:04,611 --> 00:13:05,992
- Oh, my God,
333
00:13:06,061 --> 00:13:09,409
you stupid, sweet, awful boy.
334
00:13:09,443 --> 00:13:12,826
Maybe Ben's problem is that
you keep going on and on
335
00:13:12,895 --> 00:13:15,484
about this romanticized version
of your father
336
00:13:15,518 --> 00:13:17,244
that's gonna show up
and fix everything
337
00:13:17,279 --> 00:13:19,074
when you've already got
a guy right here
338
00:13:19,108 --> 00:13:20,661
who shows up
and fixes everything.
339
00:13:20,661 --> 00:13:22,008
It's so hurtful to Ben.
340
00:13:22,008 --> 00:13:23,733
- I know Ben does
a lot around here.
341
00:13:23,768 --> 00:13:26,012
- No, you have no idea.
342
00:13:26,081 --> 00:13:28,324
He totally carried us
when I was unemployed.
343
00:13:28,393 --> 00:13:29,774
He built this house.
344
00:13:29,809 --> 00:13:31,845
You wouldn't be living
in an undefined area
345
00:13:31,914 --> 00:13:34,192
with a window seat
where we were gonna keep books
346
00:13:34,192 --> 00:13:36,298
if it wasn't for him.
347
00:13:36,332 --> 00:13:39,094
He is the reason
that you're going to college.
348
00:13:39,128 --> 00:13:41,199
- No, he's not.
You were the one who decided
349
00:13:41,268 --> 00:13:43,512
to take the lunch lady job
so I could get free tuition.
350
00:13:43,581 --> 00:13:45,652
- No, I was going
to keep my job
351
00:13:45,686 --> 00:13:48,586
at the can company
because we needed the money.
352
00:13:48,620 --> 00:13:51,554
But Ben talked me out of it.
353
00:13:51,554 --> 00:13:53,453
I knew that all the pressure
would be on him,
354
00:13:53,487 --> 00:13:56,456
but he insisted because he knew
that it was the only way
355
00:13:56,490 --> 00:13:58,285
I could afford
to send you to college.
356
00:13:58,320 --> 00:14:00,909
So pull your head out
of your butterfly butt,
357
00:14:00,909 --> 00:14:05,292
and look around and realize
what this man has done for you.
358
00:14:08,019 --> 00:14:10,125
- Now I feel like an idiot.
359
00:14:14,301 --> 00:14:20,238
- Look, your dad may or may not
be at your graduation.
360
00:14:20,238 --> 00:14:22,344
And I'm really sorry
about that.
361
00:14:22,378 --> 00:14:23,966
But you can count on one thing.
362
00:14:24,001 --> 00:14:26,693
Ben is gonna be there.
363
00:14:26,727 --> 00:14:27,901
Okay?
364
00:14:27,901 --> 00:14:29,972
So I guess the point
I'm trying to make,
365
00:14:30,007 --> 00:14:31,422
without beating it to death,
366
00:14:31,491 --> 00:14:34,804
is do not wear white socks
to your graduation!
367
00:14:34,839 --> 00:14:37,117
♪
368
00:14:39,154 --> 00:14:41,397
- It really is...
369
00:14:41,466 --> 00:14:44,469
everything, everywhere,
370
00:14:44,504 --> 00:14:47,576
all at once.
371
00:14:47,576 --> 00:14:49,578
I have no idea what's going on.
372
00:14:52,132 --> 00:14:53,409
- Hey.
373
00:14:53,444 --> 00:14:55,446
I'm glad you all are here,
because I wanna read
374
00:14:55,515 --> 00:14:57,344
the beginning
of my graduation speech.
375
00:14:57,379 --> 00:14:59,001
And since some of you aren't
gonna be there tomorrow,
376
00:14:59,036 --> 00:15:00,071
I wanna get your opinions.
377
00:15:00,106 --> 00:15:01,348
- Well, I'm gonna
go get something
378
00:15:01,383 --> 00:15:02,902
from the kitchen
and let you guys do this.
379
00:15:02,936 --> 00:15:04,938
- No.
I'd really like
380
00:15:04,938 --> 00:15:06,733
to hear what you think of it.
381
00:15:06,767 --> 00:15:08,045
- Sure, fine.
382
00:15:10,564 --> 00:15:12,670
- [clears throat]
383
00:15:12,704 --> 00:15:15,121
Hi, I'm Mark Conner.
384
00:15:15,121 --> 00:15:17,261
I'm the acting president
for Lanford's chapter
385
00:15:17,295 --> 00:15:18,918
of the National Honor Society
386
00:15:18,952 --> 00:15:20,367
while President Lewis
is recovering
387
00:15:20,402 --> 00:15:21,921
from a stress-related illness.
388
00:15:23,474 --> 00:15:25,752
We hope the shingles clear up
before picture day.
389
00:15:26,856 --> 00:15:28,375
All of us are here tonight
390
00:15:28,410 --> 00:15:30,446
because we achieved
something special.
391
00:15:30,481 --> 00:15:31,861
We're graduating high school.
392
00:15:31,896 --> 00:15:34,105
But we certainly didn't
do it alone.
393
00:15:34,140 --> 00:15:35,935
So I'd like to use
my speech time
394
00:15:35,969 --> 00:15:38,040
to honor the people
who made big sacrifices
395
00:15:38,075 --> 00:15:40,422
in order for me to be up here.
396
00:15:40,456 --> 00:15:42,700
First I'd like
to talk about my dad.
397
00:15:42,734 --> 00:15:44,150
- All right, come on, man.
398
00:15:44,219 --> 00:15:46,911
Look, I understand
you feel the need to do this,
399
00:15:46,946 --> 00:15:48,223
but let me just step out.
400
00:15:48,257 --> 00:15:50,052
- Please, just listen.
401
00:15:50,087 --> 00:15:51,915
- [sighs]
402
00:15:51,951 --> 00:15:54,574
- Even though he hasn't been
around for most of my life,
403
00:15:54,608 --> 00:15:56,817
it wasn't his fault.
404
00:15:56,852 --> 00:15:59,820
Ben Olinsky didn't meet my mom
until I was 11.
405
00:15:59,889 --> 00:16:01,477
Ben, would you please stand up?
406
00:16:03,307 --> 00:16:04,825
- He got me.
407
00:16:06,586 --> 00:16:08,139
He totally got me.
408
00:16:09,347 --> 00:16:11,763
- A dad isn't just your DNA.
409
00:16:11,798 --> 00:16:13,420
It's someone
who stands up for you
410
00:16:13,455 --> 00:16:14,974
and is there
when you're struggling
411
00:16:15,008 --> 00:16:17,459
to finish a paper at midnight
and you want a bowl of cereal,
412
00:16:17,493 --> 00:16:19,979
but there's no milk, so
he goes out and gets you some.
413
00:16:20,013 --> 00:16:21,428
- [chuckles]
414
00:16:21,463 --> 00:16:22,671
I did that.
415
00:16:24,086 --> 00:16:26,433
Almond milk--I had
to go to two stores.
416
00:16:28,988 --> 00:16:31,680
- And when it's cold,
he picks you up from work
417
00:16:31,714 --> 00:16:34,096
so you don't have to walk home.
418
00:16:34,131 --> 00:16:35,995
He's just always there,
419
00:16:36,029 --> 00:16:38,998
and that's what a dad does.
420
00:16:39,032 --> 00:16:42,104
Um, and then I say
some nice stuff about Mom,
421
00:16:42,139 --> 00:16:43,795
bring down the house
with cool quotes
422
00:16:43,830 --> 00:16:45,038
from Aristotle and Morrissey,
423
00:16:45,107 --> 00:16:46,453
and I'm done.
424
00:16:48,490 --> 00:16:49,767
What do you think?
425
00:16:51,458 --> 00:16:52,632
- That was perfect.
426
00:16:59,328 --> 00:17:01,813
Um, is there any way
427
00:17:01,848 --> 00:17:05,540
that you could mention
the hardware store
428
00:17:05,576 --> 00:17:09,718
and how we have
new Sunday hours?
429
00:17:10,891 --> 00:17:13,066
- If he's gonna mention
the hardware store,
430
00:17:13,066 --> 00:17:14,723
he should mention
The Lunch Box.
431
00:17:14,791 --> 00:17:16,137
Right? Am I right?
432
00:17:16,173 --> 00:17:18,037
I mean, that's fair.
Am I right?
433
00:17:19,175 --> 00:17:22,213
- Ah, well, I need a minute.
[groans]
434
00:17:22,248 --> 00:17:24,077
- I can't wait till you go
off to college
435
00:17:24,146 --> 00:17:26,355
and everybody can stop
loving you so much.
436
00:17:32,085 --> 00:17:36,262
- Uh, Mark...
437
00:17:36,331 --> 00:17:38,402
it's gonna be rough
438
00:17:38,436 --> 00:17:40,749
for your dad to sit there
and hear that.
439
00:17:40,818 --> 00:17:42,751
- He won't have to.
440
00:17:42,785 --> 00:17:44,856
I texted Dad
and told him not to come.
441
00:17:44,891 --> 00:17:47,066
- Really?
442
00:17:47,100 --> 00:17:49,792
Ah, I think I went overboard
pressuring you.
443
00:17:49,792 --> 00:17:51,277
I hope you didn't
do that for me.
444
00:17:51,346 --> 00:17:53,624
- No. I did it for me.
445
00:17:53,693 --> 00:17:55,626
I told him,
if he really wants to see me,
446
00:17:55,626 --> 00:17:58,387
we can get together
in a couple weeks.
447
00:17:58,422 --> 00:18:02,426
I wanted the graduation
just to be family.
448
00:18:02,495 --> 00:18:04,048
- Wow.
449
00:18:05,912 --> 00:18:08,432
That is really,
really great, Mark.
450
00:18:10,123 --> 00:18:14,679
So how much of this speech
is about Ben,
451
00:18:14,714 --> 00:18:17,234
and how much is about me?
452
00:18:17,268 --> 00:18:19,891
I mean, I don't need
to count lines or anything.
453
00:18:19,926 --> 00:18:22,687
I would like
to take a look at it.
454
00:18:22,722 --> 00:18:25,552
[bluesy harmonica music]
455
00:18:25,587 --> 00:18:27,106
- Wow.
456
00:18:27,140 --> 00:18:28,900
You kick me out of my place
to decorate,
457
00:18:28,935 --> 00:18:31,317
I come back,
and the one thing--
458
00:18:31,317 --> 00:18:33,457
the one thing I asked for,
459
00:18:33,491 --> 00:18:35,804
a freakin' photo booth!
460
00:18:37,461 --> 00:18:40,464
- And I noticed there was
no limo outside.
461
00:18:40,498 --> 00:18:41,948
One day he'll turn 48,
462
00:18:41,982 --> 00:18:45,572
and he'll have never been
in a limo, not once.
463
00:18:45,607 --> 00:18:47,402
- We're married.
464
00:18:48,679 --> 00:18:51,613
I thought I'd at least get
a pinball machine.
465
00:18:51,647 --> 00:18:52,924
What the hell, baby?
466
00:18:52,959 --> 00:18:56,031
- [huffs]
Okay.
467
00:18:56,100 --> 00:18:58,792
After the party,
I'm gonna get an Uber Black,
468
00:18:58,827 --> 00:19:00,829
and I'm taking you all
to an arcade,
469
00:19:00,898 --> 00:19:02,831
where they have
pinball machines
470
00:19:02,900 --> 00:19:04,488
and photo booths.
471
00:19:04,522 --> 00:19:05,937
And then we're gonna hit a bar,
472
00:19:05,972 --> 00:19:08,802
where they have a DJ and lots
of food trucks outside.
473
00:19:08,837 --> 00:19:12,323
And then maybe
you whiny brats will be happy.
474
00:19:13,945 --> 00:19:16,155
- So this is what you thought
Mark would want?
475
00:19:16,189 --> 00:19:17,811
- Ah, let's ask him.
476
00:19:17,846 --> 00:19:20,504
Mark?
477
00:19:20,538 --> 00:19:21,815
- Surprise.
478
00:19:21,850 --> 00:19:23,679
Happy graduation, everybody.
479
00:19:23,714 --> 00:19:25,129
- What're you talking about?
480
00:19:25,164 --> 00:19:27,994
- Everybody please put on
your caps and gowns.
481
00:19:28,028 --> 00:19:29,858
It will become clear
in a moment.
482
00:19:29,927 --> 00:19:31,722
- Uh, what's going on?
483
00:19:31,791 --> 00:19:35,346
- I think it's graduation
everywhere all at once.
484
00:19:36,658 --> 00:19:39,557
- I told Mark all your sad
graduation stories.
485
00:19:39,557 --> 00:19:42,388
Please, sit down.
486
00:19:42,457 --> 00:19:43,458
- Thank you.
487
00:19:46,668 --> 00:19:48,532
- We agreed
that you all missed out
488
00:19:48,566 --> 00:19:50,568
on an important milestone
in a person's life,
489
00:19:50,568 --> 00:19:52,501
and you weren't celebrated
the way you should've been.
490
00:19:52,536 --> 00:19:56,781
- So welcome
to the high school graduations
491
00:19:56,816 --> 00:19:59,543
of 2019,
492
00:19:59,612 --> 00:20:02,408
1993,
493
00:20:02,477 --> 00:20:05,963
1973,
494
00:20:05,997 --> 00:20:08,517
and 1970.
495
00:20:08,552 --> 00:20:11,900
- [gasps]
[cheers and laughter]
496
00:20:11,900 --> 00:20:14,178
- Wow. Nice glasses, Dan.
497
00:20:14,213 --> 00:20:16,698
I guess you took the snorkel
off for the picture.
498
00:20:18,147 --> 00:20:21,427
["Pomp and Circumstance"
playing]
499
00:20:21,427 --> 00:20:23,222
Becky Conner,
500
00:20:23,256 --> 00:20:24,913
Harris Conner-Healy,
501
00:20:24,982 --> 00:20:26,397
will you please rise.
502
00:20:27,916 --> 00:20:30,436
- Because your graduations were
just getting your GEDs
503
00:20:30,505 --> 00:20:32,092
in the mail,
you never got to do the walk
504
00:20:32,161 --> 00:20:34,094
in front of your proud family.
505
00:20:34,094 --> 00:20:36,511
Please come up
and accept your diplomas.
506
00:20:36,545 --> 00:20:39,548
[cheers and applause]
507
00:20:45,278 --> 00:20:46,935
- Whoo-hoo!
508
00:20:46,969 --> 00:20:50,283
We're 18, we're moving out,
and we're never looking back!
509
00:20:50,283 --> 00:20:51,940
- Yeah, see you never, suckers!
510
00:20:52,009 --> 00:20:53,321
- Whoo!
511
00:20:54,218 --> 00:20:55,184
- Would Jackie Harris please--
512
00:20:55,219 --> 00:20:57,532
- [shrieks]
513
00:20:57,566 --> 00:20:59,844
Don't trust anybody over 30--
514
00:20:59,879 --> 00:21:00,983
until you're 30.
515
00:21:01,052 --> 00:21:03,227
And then judge everyone
individually
516
00:21:03,262 --> 00:21:04,815
after you've gotten
to know them well enough.
517
00:21:04,815 --> 00:21:07,196
Thank you all for coming
to my graduation.
518
00:21:07,231 --> 00:21:09,129
This means the world to me.
519
00:21:09,129 --> 00:21:11,718
[cheers and laughter]
520
00:21:11,753 --> 00:21:14,203
- And finally, Dan Conner.
521
00:21:14,238 --> 00:21:16,344
- Aye-o!
- Thank you, thank you.
522
00:21:16,344 --> 00:21:20,486
I had to make some of you to
have family at my graduation.
523
00:21:20,555 --> 00:21:22,419
But it was worth it.
524
00:21:22,453 --> 00:21:24,835
Wow, you're way hotter
than the battle-ax
525
00:21:24,835 --> 00:21:28,839
that handed me my diploma
the first time and said,
526
00:21:28,839 --> 00:21:31,807
"Glad I'll never have to see
your face again, Conner."
527
00:21:31,807 --> 00:21:33,084
- [laughs]
528
00:21:33,119 --> 00:21:34,051
- Thank you.
Thank you, thank you.
529
00:21:34,085 --> 00:21:36,605
- Even with getting no support,
530
00:21:36,640 --> 00:21:38,089
you finished school,
531
00:21:38,124 --> 00:21:40,506
set a good example
for your kids,
532
00:21:40,575 --> 00:21:42,749
and created
a loving environment
533
00:21:42,784 --> 00:21:46,339
where they could all graduate
in their 40s.
534
00:21:46,374 --> 00:21:48,790
- I didn't know I did all that,
but I'll take credit for it.
535
00:21:48,824 --> 00:21:51,655
- That's my dad!
536
00:21:51,689 --> 00:21:54,658
- Congratulations,
and best of luck in the future.
537
00:21:54,692 --> 00:21:56,349
You are now all graduates.
538
00:21:56,349 --> 00:21:57,695
[all cheer]
539
00:21:57,764 --> 00:21:59,904
- Stop that. Those are rentals.
540
00:22:03,529 --> 00:22:06,117
chorus:
♪ See you
541
00:22:06,152 --> 00:22:10,639
♪ In September
542
00:22:10,674 --> 00:22:13,539
♪ See you
543
00:22:13,539 --> 00:22:17,301
♪ When the summer's through
544
00:22:17,336 --> 00:22:20,131
- ♪ Here we are
chorus: ♪ Bye, baby, goodbye
545
00:22:20,166 --> 00:22:22,789
- ♪ Saying goodbye
at the station ♪
546
00:22:22,824 --> 00:22:24,550
chorus:
♪ Bye, baby, goodbye
547
00:22:24,550 --> 00:22:27,449
- ♪ Summer vacation
chorus: ♪ Bye, baby
548
00:22:27,484 --> 00:22:29,037
[child giggles]
549
00:22:29,087 --> 00:22:33,637
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