All language subtitles for Night.Court.S01E07.WEBRip.x264-ION10

Alright, everybody,
it's court o'clock,

and you made it
during Abby Hour.

All decisions half-price.

- Judge, are you limping?
- A bit.

I got a little hit by a cab.

And somehow, the driver
got angrier than I did.

So still getting the hang
of New York, huh?

You know what they say--
You're not a real New Yorker

until you pay the guy
who just ran you over $45

to drive you to the hospital.

No, you're not
a real New Yorker

until you buy a rattrap,
a hammer, and an egg sandwich

from a bodega at 1:00 a.m.

First up,
the People vs. Caroline Kratz.

The defendant is charged
with disorderly conduct

for bringing an uncontained
animal onto the subway.

Your Honor,
there's a very simple

and extremely legal
explanation for this.

It was a service animal.

It was a horse.

A mini-horse.
Nay, a seeing-eye mini-horse.

And according to
New York vs. Pongo,

mini-horses are allowed
on public transit.

Obviously, I got to get a look
at this guy.

Upstate, I used to guess
horse sizes at the county fair.

And that one is a "big."

Your Honor, um,
I call for a mistrial.

I've just learned that
the defendant and Ms. Moore

have an existing relationship.

They share a daily commute--

the 5:42 downtown six train
at Hunter College Station.

Slow down. I think we just blew
right past the big news here.

That the allegedly blind
defendant just recognized me?

Oh, no, no, no.
She didn't recognize you.

The horse did.

That's my daily commute, too.

Olivia, we're subway buddies.

Really?
Well, that's crazy.

Can't believe we haven't
seen each other.

I've seen both of you--
a bunch of times.

Well, you're not helping.

You know what?
We just plead guilty.

How do you put up with her?

I just need a table for one.

Can't you squeeze me in
this weekend?

Oh, wait, wait. Did I say
that my name is Dan Fielding?

Uh, I meant, uh, it's

Dame Judi Dench.

Can't get a table
at a restaurant?

Ah, it's not just
any restaurant.

It's Chromosomme.

Oh!
I heard about that place.

They use science to design
your perfect meal

based on a cheek swab,
a hair sample,

and a secret you swore
to take to the grave.

The only chance I have to get
in there is during the week,

but we're always
leaving here late.

I'm all in favor of Abby's
empathetic justice,

but not when it gets
between me and a risotto

that was genetically
engineered for my tongue.

Well, at least
you're not gonna have her

following you around
on the subway,

trying to make chitchat
with her big hick energy.

Yeah, the judge
isn't good on the subway.

I rode with her once.

She held the pole and then
touched her face so many times.

There's my twin sixter.

'Cause we both take
the six train.

She gets it.
- Yeah, we got it.

And I watched you stand outside
in the hall

till you thought of it.

I'm so excited to spend
some more time together.

You could show me the ropes.
I'm still a "Newb Yorker."

Okay, that one
I can't take credit for.

Someone screamed it in my face
when I said "bless you"

after they sneezed on me.

I think I'm gonna have to
take the earlier train.

Yeah, sure.
Or you know what?

You could move to Denver.

I bet you there are probably
lawyers there, too.

Oh, sorry.

People are animals.

Olivia! Hi.

Oh, good.
You took the early train, too.

I was worried
we'd miss each other

and our work and private lives
would stay separate.

Well, apparently,
my lease says my super

gets to shower in my apartment
on Tuesday nights,

so I like to
give him his space.

Classic.

So, are you, um--
- We probably shouldn't talk.

There's a serial killer
in the city

who targets women
who are friends.

No, they caught that guy.

I know 'cause he's my brother.

Oh.
I like your earrings.

Keep it in your pants, perv.

What are you doing?
Don't talk to people.

Also, don't make eye contact.

Or offer anyone candy.

- Even on Halloween?
- You stay inside on Halloween!

I love this.

I'm getting an Olivia
master class on New York City.

Promo code-- fuhgettaboutit.

Oh!

We're having a minor
technical issue.

Hang tight, everyone.

Well, that's bonus
subway buddy time.

So there's really no chance
your brother's on this train?

Okay, I talked to the driver,

and there's no update
on the maintenance issue.

Also no update
on the air-conditioning.

Here's a list of other things
there's no update on.

Here's an update--
You're not helpful,

and everyone
can see your nipples.

Things are getting tense.

Oh, you're not gonna freak out,
are you?

You should know,
I do not hold hands.

I'm okay.
Everything's gonna be fine.

Sure, we've been cut off
from the societal norms

that maintain order,

but we're bonded together
by something even stronger--

innate human decency.

Stay back, you jackals.

It's my job to deliver
this food,

and the restaurant's
run by the mob.

There's nothing you can do to me
that they won't do worse.

Okay, when the rats come
for us-- and they will--

I will sell out
every last one of you.

I'm sure the decency
will set in any minute now.

Nope.
We're screwed.

Nothing's holding this together.

The norms are gone.
It's subterranean law.

Give me your bag.

What? I can't make a shiv
out of any of this!

Where's Olivia?

I don't have the time or energy
to learn new names.

You understand what I mean,
right, champ?

The six train broke down.

So Abby and Olivia
might not make it.

We had to find some people
to fill in.

All rise.

Manhattan Criminal Court Part 2
is now in session.

The Honorable Murray Flobert presiding.

Mmm-mmm-mmm!

That is some good
chicken noodle. Mmm!

Is it just me or does this guy
have a real, like,

substitute-teacher vibe?

Uh, just an FYI,
I have judge's elbow.

So I'm gonna be making
the gavel sound with my mouth.

You know, if we work together,
we might be able to get, uh,

old Judge Chicken Noodle there
to do whatever we want.

I may make it out in time
to go to Chromosomme after all.

And I can go to the strip club
at night,

when it's like a strip club
in a movie.

Not during the day,
when it's like a strip club

in a documentary.

Uh, excuse me.
What's the Wi-Fi here?

I need it to look up case files.

Also, does anyone have
a Netflix password I can borrow?

Also for case stuff.

Or we may not have to
do anything at all.

I better call Russ and tell him
to get the champagne room ready.

You see Russ,
tell him I said hi.

You do know I'm going
to a male strip club, right?

Yeah, I had a job before this.

Maybe you need something else
to focus on.

I have this great game
called "Crab Attack."

Oh, right, my phone's
been locked with ransomware

ever since I downloaded
"Crab Attack."

Don't act like
you're the calm one.

I'm the calm one.
I'm in control.

Unless control is an illusion.

I mean, I can't control
the subway breaking down

or that the universe
is constantly expanding

and I still can't afford
a one-bedroom in it!

Hey!
What do you think you're doing?

That was my seat.
- Your seat?

I didn't realize I was on the
train with Princess Von Bench.

Whoa! Let's just not forget
our innate human decency.

Abby, stay out of this.

Well, someone's
got to do something.

This place is coming apart.
- This is not court.

They don't have to
listen to you.

You're right.

It's not court.

But it could be.
We should have a trial.

I mean, this is just
a simple dispute.

We can figure this out together.

It'll give us something else
to think about.

You know, I'm actually a judge.

Does anyone else
have any legal experience?

I played a dead body
on "Law Order."

We've all played a dead body
on "Law Order."

You know, "Law Order"
is the longest-running show

with an ampersand in the title.

Okay, okay.
You like saying things.

You can be the clerk.

And I'm getting
some real bailiff vibes

from the way
you're guarding that pizza.

Olivia, would you like
to be the counsel?

You could think of it as work.

Work is good.
I can control work.

Yeah, and you could
go up against

the greatest opponent of all.

The sun?

No. Yourself.

You could play both sides.

I'm in.

And so am I.

You know
I'm not gonna do a voice.

Oh, yes!
I got a reservation!

I've only got one case left.

I can get there early
and laugh at people

who tested positive for salads.

You'll never guess
who's in the courthouse.

Olympic figure skaters
turned commentators

turned maybe murderers.

I don't know why they here.

Johnny Weir and Tara Lipinski.

They're witnesses
in the last case.

Apparently, a figure skater
hot-wired a Zamboni

and tried to smush
his competition.

Abby would have loved
meeting those two.

She's a huge figure-skating fan.

Oh! Maybe we can stall
until she gets here.

Stall? Are you crazy?
I've got a dinner reservation.

So your fancy dinner is more
important than your friend?

This is not just a dinner.

This is a meal that
Scientific American

called a "heinous waste
of stem cells."

Fine.
I don't need you.

I can slow this court down
on my own.

Careful, Gurgs,
you're messing with powers

that you couldn't
possibly understand.

I have no idea what that means,
but I'll figure it out.

So we doing this case or not?

- Not if I can help it.
- Absolutely.

Don't make me choose a side.
You're both my friends.

- Not if I can help it.
- Absolutely.

Are we ready to begin?

Uh, yes, Your Honor, we are,

and there's nothing
anybody can do to stop us.

Uh-oh.
This says my wife called.

And it's an emergency.

Well, it always is
with that one.

Anyway, let's start.

Bang, bang!

So that's your great
stalling move, Gurgs?

You know, I expected
more from you.

What can I say, Dan?
I'm all out of moves.

Okay, Clerk,
call the last case.

Where's the clerk?
- Well, look at that.

I had more moves.

We don't need Neil.

He's just a sentient clipboard anyway.

I can call the case.

I wish that were true,
Your Honor,

but it's like
the regular judge says,

"You can't work
without a clerk."

Well, that does rhyme.

You might as well
get comfortable, Dan.

You're gonna be here a while,

because I can assure you there's
no way you're finding Neil.

Hello, Neil.

Hiding a clerk
in women's holding--

the oldest trick in the book.

Don't call me Neil.

Linda says my name
is Sweets now.

This man bothering you, Sweets?

Would you please open
this door, let him out?

Come on, Sweets.

I can't.
My legs are asleep.

Man, this meal
better be worth it.

Get up, get up, get up.

What-- Hey!

I'm sorry.

Gurgs said if I didn't help her,

she'd tell everyone
where I do stand-up.

Well, that's more of a threat
to us than to you.

Well, well, well.

Looks like the Penn
has become the Teller.

You have gone too far.

You can't lock me in here
with Neil and...

these charming ladies.

Looks like
it's Linda's lucky day.

Sweets and Sour.

Uh, uh...

Six Train Downtown Local
is now in session.

The honorable judge
This Lady presiding.

Alright,
let's "baguette" it on.

Your Honor, the defendant
brazenly stole this woman's seat

when she stood to stretch.

And we all know the rule--

If the butt's still near,
I'm a-sittin' here.

Don't be fooled by the
prosecution's big-city rhymes.

Yeah, I'll give it to her, she
is gorgeous and well-dressed.

But the facts are on my side.

I recall at the time
of the event,

I had a clear view
of the butt and the seat,

and there was separation.

But surely some amount
of separation is acceptable.

Maybe some separation,
but it's six inches, tops.

Ma'am, I'm gonna need to
commandeer your sandwich

in the name of justice.

It's more than six inches.

Objection! The sandwich
has a bite out of it.

I'll allow it.

Look, I'm not unreasonable.

I'd give up my seat to
an old lady or someone pregnant.

Interesting you'd say that.

What if I told you
Rita is pregnant?

That's right.
I do have sex.

Let me ask you,

what's the due date?
- They're always wrong.

- Gender?
- It's a post-gender society.

What'd you have
for lunch today?

- Sushi and bologna.
- Gross!

But also, gotcha.

Pregnant women can't eat
either of those things.

Fine.
I don't actually have sex.

Happy now?

The jury has returned
the verdict.

And they have decided
that the pregnant one

and nipples should kiss.

You know what?
I'll just rule.

On the charge of subway seat
theft, I find the defendant--

No. Stop the train!
Stop the--

We haven't heard
which one of me won!

You're in luck, Judge.

This court has the largest
active VHS collection

in the continental
United States.

And once Alaska falls,
we'll stand alone.

Oh, there are some good flicks
in here.

Now, where's the remote?

'Cause I like to fast-forward
through the scary parts.

- Looking for this?
- How did you get out?

I jimmied the lock with
the underwire from Linda's bra.

Well, I anticipated
your escape,

and that's why I scheduled
a tornado drill

to start in 3, 2--

One thing you've overlooked, Gurgs,

is I have powerful friends
in the Tornado Marshal's office,

and I rescheduled that drill
till your birthday,

just as they wheel out the cake.

Something you overlooked is,
last year,

I wished for no tornado drills
on my birthday.

But now you said
the wish out loud.

You monster.

I'll give it to you, Gurgs.
You know how this place works.

But nobody knows it
better than me.

Then you know there's
a water main behind that wall,

and if it were to somehow break,

the cleanup would be
quite time-consuming.

Where's the remote?

This is one of those
scary parts.

Gurgs, I'm not gonna try
and stop you,

because unlike the wife
of the man who built this place,

you love this building too much
to put an ax in its chest.

You win, Dan.
Enjoy your dinner.

I hope your scallops are saltier
than Abby's tears

when she hears
she missed a chance

at meeting ice-skating royalty.

There won't be any scallops.

I already know
that my personalized menu

will rely heavily
on an endangered species.

It's always been a dream of mine
to eat the last of something.

Hi.
Dan Fielding.

I just want to say that
I have a great deal of respect

for Olympics athletes.

Your ability to work only once
every four years-- incredible.

Now, this is a man
with presence.

It's like a daring mix
of stateliness

and "I couldn't care less"
energy

that is just so exciting
to watch.

Well, he's known as the bad boy
of the courtroom

for a reason, T.
- Mm-hmm.

The passion, the fire,
the pageantry.

You know, we live for pageantry.
- For pageantry.

Wow.
Wonderful.

So may I ask what you two were
talking to our bailiff about?

She asked us to stick around
for her friend,

but, I mean, if we stayed
every time a bailiff

asked us to meet someone,

we'd never have time to form
this remarkable friendship.

Also, full disclosure,
we have an early breakfast

with Michelle Kwan
and Ewan McGregor.

Have I said too much?

Ah, don't--
No, don't worry.

We'll get you out of here
so fast

that you'll be accused
of cheating.

You know what I mean?
Okay.

Hey, Gurgs, listen, I am sorry
that Abby is gonna not be here.

But, you know, meeting your
heroes isn't always great.

When I was 10,
I met my favorite astronaut,

and she screamed
and bit my hand.

But in the commander's defense,
she was a squirrel monkey.

I get that meeting a celebrity
might not be a big deal

for someone who's met some of
our nation's greatest monkeys.

But it's hard being new in town.

Your whole life, you hear about
how magical New York is,

and when you get here, it's just
scaffolding and weird puddles.

And when something magical
finally does happen,

like Macho Man Randy Savage
coming to your courtroom,

well, you miss it 'cause it's
the one day you took off work

and no one even
bothers to page you.

Your hero is
Macho Man Randy Savage?

Oh, yeah!

I-I just wanted
to look out for Abby

the way I wish someone
had looked out for me.

Last case--
People vs. Shawn Pierce.

I see here the defendant
is pleading no contest

to misdemeanor assault.

Based on the witness statements

provided by national treasures
Tara Lipinski and Johnny Weir--

hey!-- I will let the defendant
off with a $100 fine.

Case dis--
- Your Honor, the defense

would like to call a time-out.

But I was about to make
my gavel noise.

Whoa. Dan Fielding making
a bold and daring move.

No one was expecting this.

Let's listen in.
Will he stick this landing?

We're gonna be amending
our plea to not guilty

and calling
a bunch of witnesses,

so if anybody has a pre-paid and
pre-tipped dinner reservation,

well, they can
kiss that goodbye.

So for our first witness,
we'd like to call

man sucking milk out of the bag.

For your first time
getting stuck on a subway,

you handled it pretty well.

Honestly, it wasn't
that different

from when I was trapped
in a corn maze.

That scarecrow and I
had some good times.

Though I think, on some level,

we both knew
what we had was fleeting,

and that's what made it
so special.

Well, you definitely kept it
from getting ugly in there.

So you think this
gets me closer

to being a real New Yorker?

Eh, who knows what
a real New Yorker even is?

All I know is,
this is a city of weirdos,

and your relentless positivity

makes you one of the weirdest
people I ever met.

Olivia, thank you.

You're gonna be just fine.

Fine enough to be
your subway buddy?

No.

You don't know
the defendant at all,

but your parents named you
Stefanie with an "F."

Why don't you take us all down
that road for a second.

I've heard enough.
Defense rests.

Hold on.
I have a question.

Johnny, Tara, do you think
it's too late for me

to learn how to skate?

Abby, look who's here.

- Abby Stone?
- Tara, Johnny, hi!

Flawless entrance.

Nobody walks into a room
better than Abby Stone.

Wait a minute.
You know each other?

Of course. I see them
every year at Freezing Man.

It's like Burning Man
but for winter sports,

and instead of drugs,
we're high on ice pageantry.

So hold on a second.

You made me miss
the meal of a lifetime

so that Abby could meet people
she's already met?

For a conversation I overheard
her having with someone else,

I got pretty close.

Oh, we've got to go.

Some idiot gave up their
reservation at Chromosomme.

Ooh! Would you like to join us
for dinner, Your Honor?

Oh, hell yeah!

Bang, bang!
Court is adjourned.

Here.
You can have my chicken noodle.

Let's go, let's go.
Excuse me.

I'm sorry you missed
your special dinner.

But as a friend, I think I know
you better than science, so--

Gurgs, hog's head cheese,

stewed chicken feet,
fried gizzards.

Oh!

It's a feast fit for a king.

These are all the weird
swamp delicacies

you grew up on in Louisiana.

You know what?
I'd call your description rude,

but my favorite restaurant
growing up

was called Swamp Delicacies.

Oh. It was very fancy.

You could pick your own
live gator from a tank.

Hey, guys, I just wanted
to say thank you so much

for stalling court for me.

It was--
Yo, are those gizzards?

- Yes!
- Let me in there!

Come on, sit down.

Feet for everybody.
Ha-ha!

Come on.
- Mnh-mnh.

I ain't-- Ugh!

- City folk.
- City folk.