All language subtitles for AMAZON WOMEN ON THE MOON - Extended Version [Dr. Sapirstein Fan Edit]

Hello.

Now you got the wrong number.

Yeah but i know that monument.

Film i hear.

Fucking throw my hair back.

Hello

i'm dr Warren g easterbrook.

Chairman of the president's
commission on education.

And i would like to talk to you
about an ever growing problem.

The short attention
span of today's youth.

Weaned as they are on television

young people today

can't seem to pay attention
for more than a few.

House video presents

an in-depth.

Up close

and personal look

at

penthouse plaything.

Terrans.

Oh so many neat things
have happened to me.

Homecoming queen.

Making the cheerleading
squad the neatest thing

it

was when i was recently chosen

the pit has played.

Changed me.

I'm still the same team.

When i was first tested

it was like.

Really immature.

But I've grown so
much since then.

I can hardly believe it's me.

I am

a beach person.

A person.

I really sorry for anyone
who doesn't live in California.

Cause we've got it on.

New humidity.

It really blows me away.

Added the public i can just

fade into the crowd

the irritated.

All the time.

I didn't understand it.

Google.

Offers me peace

and solitude.

Away from the pressure
of being a plaything.

Here.

In the

chest at my manga.

Art

is.

Goonies art galleries.

And my dream.

Is to one day have
some of my things.

But

my real dream.

Comes from my family.

And my strong
religious upbringing.

I'll always be grateful
to my mom and dad

and the values they've given me.

Which.

Help.

Need he can be

awesome responsibilities.

Of plaything of.

Reception.

Paper calculated to bring home
a note from your teacher today.

Or not yet

that's one of your jokes ever

before

the record war

one.

Best investment i ever made.

Was carrying subtropical
moisture into the region.

Develop later in the week.

I hadn't been out of
this house in two weeks.

Cover moves and the
lows will warm up just a bit.

Tomorrow the.

Hell

has happened to my remote.

Funniest guys for the
remainder of the day.

On today's national weather map
Murray hours embedded in those clouds

and here in the southern.

Excuse me sir we're on the air

show.

Me how to.

Approach the robot.

Murray.

What are you doing on the web.

I don't know

probably something

great

that.

You're.

Wrong on.

That

high fly ball to center field

wait a minute that's not bad on.

Logging for.

This is what

you get for throwing
out the directions.

You should be so lucky.

Channel.

At least i know you
won't catch and.

Show up but i want to.

Try.

Five hundred million people
are watching via satellite

as the president

first lady deplane for
this historic Moscow visit.

They look fit and rested

wait a minute.

An unidentified man has
emerged from air force one.

He seems believe it or not to
be glad only in his underwear

the secret service
have grabbed her mind.

Who is he.

Get an overnight room.

He appears to play.

I'm so

proud of you Brenda
getting through the

delivery without any anesthetic

where i had to piss
somebody coach in the world.

Good to see that baby
has been eight hours.

Well now now you remember the film they
showed us in class there there's all kinds of

tests they have to
perform on a newborn child.

So.

That there's my favorite couple.

Mr and mrs flanders
that's landers

right right

flanders did you read
my poisoning of thirty nine.

So.

Nice did work if i
say so myself doctor

we'd like to see our son the
nurses keep giving us the run around

i'd like nothing better than to
bring you both your son but.

Have you looked
around this hospital.

There are sick people here

i just saw this old guy
in the hallway with these

gnarly scabs all over his buddy

gross me out

ugh.

I'm not about to
expose your little Jeffrey

nicollet.

To that.

I've got a solemn
oath to uphold here.

Dr.

Brendan i are both
the mas graduates

and.

We've never heard of
quarantining a healthy infant before.

Ou

le mas.

Well i forgot you spent three
whole weekends sitting on a floor

learning how to breathe.

I had to get by on a degree
from Harvard medical school.

Please doctor it's important

to us to see our child.

You've heard of bonding.

Dr.

We'd like to spend a little
quality time with our son please.

A little quality
time with your son.

That'd be beautiful.

People.

What's with that guy.

Supposed to be the
top man in his field.

Well.

When he brings in little
Jeffrey we're going Nicolas

here we go.

Ears a little tight.

Okay that's enough germ.

Wait

a

we

haven't seen him yet

oh go ahead breathe
all over matter.

But what is this some kind of sick practical
joke what are you talking about he's got

your eyes take that
hideous thing away

on

come on

they all looked
like this at first.

You see.

When the baby.

Passes through the birth canal.

It's hit it gets a little pointy

he should round out
in a couple of days

promise that's not a baby.

That's a mr potato head Harry
call the hospital administrator.

Hey.

You're right

this is a mr potato head.

Gosh they're so lifelike.

Anybody could have
made this mistake.

I'll be right back
with the real Nicholas.

Harry what are they doing to.

Calm down Brenda calm down we don't
want you to get postpartum anxiety now.

As soon as we get our son.

I'm going to report this quack.

Thank god you took that
assertiveness training course.

Yeah.

Your little tyke

know

you've been a
naughty little baby

yes you have to play peekaboo
with mommy and daddy

time.

Gets your dad.

He's got a strong determined
jaw just like his old moon there.

Whoops.

Great now you made him cry.

I don't believe this.

Is this okay would you rather
would you rather breastfeed.

Alright mr and mrs le mas.

You see due to a slight
clerical error your son has been

temporarily misplaced you
lost our son did i say lost

i said mr place

i'm suing you.

For for malpractice.

Negligence

you name it oh great just jump all over
me why don't you just jump all over me what

about the nine kids i
didn't lose this week.

Maybe

it was your fault.

If you hadn't distracted me with all that
video equipment the delivery room i might

not have misplaced
your little brat doctor.

We've found you.

See.

Down the hall in
the laundry hamper.

I hope you're both
ashamed of yourselves.

All this hysteria when he was safe and
sound not twenty feet from this very room.

Doctor.

You're doing surgery
for that kidney transplant.

Where's the donor organ.

Donor work in.

God i had it

when i left the
house this morning.

Good morning and
welcome to movies till sunrise

our feature presentation is the
nineteen fifty four science fiction classic

Amazon women on the moon.

Starring laird Granger
and Greta Van zandt.

Complete and uncut
with no commercial

reviews.

This used to be me.

All before my years

ignored by women

passed over for promotions

but now

all that has changed.

Hi

i'm size four low.

And i invented the patented
process known as hair.

If you suffer from
premature hair loss.

Team of technicians.

Visit you.

In the privacy of your home.

So there will be
no embarrassment.

You'll choose
from our selection.

Of over two hundred colors.

Styles.

Then

your head will be carpeted.

With one hundred percent pure.

Fibre.

Completely natural looking.

You can sleep in it.

You can shower in it.

It changed my life.

And it'll change yours.

Call

toll free

one eight hundred.

Get

hair.

And so.

Hello.

I'm Prescott tones and head of
the American space association.

The moon has fascinated
man since the dawn of time.

Inspiring poets scientists

and.

Young lovers the world over.

Yet.

Little is known about this

our closest celestial neighbor.

One day

perhaps

not in our lifetime.

Men may set foot on the moon.

And then he may discover
the shocking truth of.

Amazon women.

Men.

I've been studying this
map of the lunar surface

and I've chosen the dark
side as our landing site.

So.

Don't forget your space being.

Rogers Dave.

Just think loony

in less than an hour we're
going to be on the moon.

The first thing i'm gonna do is call
me off a hunk of that green cheese.

Which.

You know one of the purposes of this
mission is to dispel some of those myths.

Speak.

I've got the president
on the electro scan.

Will occurs.

I'm in men of moon rocket one.

This is the president of the united
states calling from planet earth.

We read you mr president.

This is Steve Nelson
commander moon rocket one.

Commander Nelson.

This is a proud day
for all Americans.

And this year of nineteen eighty

will be remembered as a year an
American first set foot on the moon.

The governors of all
forty eight states join me.

In wishing godspeed to you

and your handpicked
team of scientists.

That's us loony.

Thank you mr president.

We're proud to
serve our country.

Over and out.

Lucky.

Neutralize the electro scan.

Electro scan neutralizer.

Guess she is

dead ahead.

You know I've got big plans for.

Show advertising space when
they attack just picture this.

The world's

biggest billboard.

Will become.

Hold your horses blackie.

The voyages for the
betterment of mankind.

It's not any of us are getting.

Lee standby.

It goes my lunch.

Ugh.

It's right up there
with my stomach.

Prepare for moon landing.

Initiate rotation system.

Rotation initiated.

Reverse retros.

River.

Only thing pressure.

Drops any more work on.

This is the emergency.

Did you know that every seven minutes
a black person is born in this country

without so.

Hello i'm bb king.

Won't you help Don Simmons and the thousands
of others that suffer from this tragic

disorder.

It's cruel symptoms
can strike anyone.

Let's take a look.

I think the republican party
has done one heck of a job

don't you June.

I'll say would

we Republicans have
turned this country around.

Safety and good mileage are the
two things i looked for in a new car.

That's why i bought a
Volvo station wagon.

Hi.

I'm president of the David
hartman fan club here in glendale.

I've even met David
hartman woods

what a neat guy.

Gemini.

Gemini.

Gemini.

This is bb king saying
won't you please give.

So that Don salmon to
you and so many others.

Can become useful
members of society.

Right to blacks without so.

Post office box thirty.

Atlanta Georgia.

Garrett.

Hi.

Jerry style hi very nice meeting
you i'm sorry i'm running a little bit.

Don't worry about it.

Nice.

It's a great apartment.

I hope you like Sushi.

I made reservations at

Tokyo Rose on Columbus

great.

Years terrific.

Normally there's a waiting
list but i know the maitre d.

You know.

I gotta tell you i never
go on blind dates

but.

I just.

Have a feeling

that

this might be special.

Jerry.

Before we leave.

Jimmy once my
favorite wave sure.

Would you mind showing me your
credit card and a valid driver's license.

You're kidding right.

Well i'd like to run a
couple compatibility check.

Or what the heck is that.

No Jerry it's tough being
a single girl in the big city.

You meet all kinds of
phonies and creeps.

That's where this
machine comes in handy.

I just enter your ID and the central
computer will tell me about your background.

I don't want a bank loan

as opposed to take yeah.

I know what.

I'd feel better running a check.

To ids please.

You're serious.

Just take them too
this is ridiculous.

But.

Three one six.

Cupid

extra card.

How i ever got along
without one of these

changed my life.

Feel the same way about my VCR.

Right now i'm taping Sophie's
choice with Meryl Streep

i love nasty.

I'm so into her.

Yeah.

That.

Hi.

A very thorough

yeah.

Great.

But.

Yeah.

Where go there.

What what.

Cherry.

Does the name Debbie
rothenberg mean anything to you.

But.

Debbie rothenberg god.

Oh yeah yeah i think i
went out with her once twice.

You had sex with her
on the second date

and then you never
called her again.

I hate when guys do that.

It says other.

Does the phrase.

You're not only beautiful but

you're someone i feel i can
open up to mean anything to you.

I'm not surprised you've used
that line in your last sixteen minutes

this is ridiculous.

Debbie.

Karen.

I think

that we have something
very special here.

You're not.

The city.

See what i mean.

In Jerry.

I could never get serious about
someone who's selfish in bed.

Who is selfish in bed.

Spiderman.

Satisfy.

Goes to sleep.

I never do that in my life

eleven times one

days

no no i do not.

Have pop.

Anyway.

That is just a small fraction of the hundreds
of times I've been intimate with women.

Were exaggerating
a little aren't we Jerry.

I mean the record only shows
twenty one sexual intimacy.

Fuck that well hey this doesn't
jibe with my figures okay sweetie.

Jerry.

The statistics don't paint
the picture of a mature man.

Twelve times you ignored your date at a
party to flirt with more attractive women.

One hundred and sixty nine times

you feigned interest when a
woman was talking about her career.

And seventeen occasions.

You lie to women telling them you were
really into Sushi and Meryl Streep movies.

Make that eighteen times.

Where where where do
they get these figures.

As you can see Jerry it would be
pointless for you and i to go out.

What would i get one
of those machines

and see how well you cover

okay.

Good Nigeria.

It's early yet

maybe you can still
get lucky in a box.

Like you did last Thursday.

Hello Beverly.

Yeah.

Hi.

This is Jerry stone

we met the other
night at Dave's party.

Hi.

I.

Listen.

I know it's last minute

but.

I want to ask are
you free tonight.

You are.

Great listen.

I can pick you up in

ten minutes.

Okay.

Jerry.

Yeah.

A major credit card and
a valid driver's license.

Jerry.

Strange phenomena.

Missing persons.

Monsters.

We examine these
mysteries to determine.

Are they bullshit.

I

London's west end.

Winter of eighteen eighty eight.

Series of bizarre and
violent murders occurred.

Which remain unsolved.

To this very day.

Jack the ripper.

Was he a prosperous

London surgeon.

Perhaps.

A member of British royalty.

Well.

Our bullshit team.

Has unearthed.

Spectacular new
evidence which suggests.

The Jack the ripper was in fact.

Loch Ness monster.

Isn't possible.

Murdered five streetwalkers.

Before returning to Loch Ness.

Using undiscovered evidence

we've piece together

the events leading up
to the first murder and

although this is a
bullshit reenactment.

It may have happened

just this way

and.

Good times back when.

The.

Jackets.

Don't you want

to

keep you.

I.

Mean.

Tell me that would deny.

This.

If.

You want to pick one now.

Yeah.

Thanks.

Doubt you'll be.

On my feet now.

Is this the way it happened.

With Jack the ripper in fact a sixty
foot sea serpent from Scotland.

Could i take this
job for a quick buck.

We may never know the
answer these questions.

Next week.

Than going to a retrograde.

Don't want to get caught.

Answer w packet reporting sir.

That is bucket.

Saddam.

Sir.

It's just about me screwing up
the officer latrine i told captain was

sterilized was getting
him a kid pocket

Saddam.

Fucker.

Is your mccormick

the general Ballantine.

General mccormick.

At ease private so you don't seem to understand
this man has been my hero since i was

at least five years old.

Bucket.

Put out.

Yesterday.

Cigarette.

Yeah thanks.

It's pretty hard to
come by up here.

Well we're all proud of the job
you boys are doing a different.

Good news bucket.

We received a communique
from the enemy.

And they have given us
their unconditional surrender.

Incoming.

Wow great.

The war is over right.

Technically.

Yeah.

Well.

I'd say this calls for
a toast gentlemen.

Alright right the bubbling.

You guys really blow me away.

I mean.

Inviting g eyes in one at a time
just to tell him the good news.

Do you know that's exactly
what i'd expect from you sir.

General mccormick.

Victory.

Going home.

Phuket.

There are many great
traditions in the military.

But none more hallowed than
that of the unknown soldier.

But a funny thing
has happened Puckett.

Was hester.

Oh just one of those little.

Military snafu is.

It seems that all our fallen
troops have been identified and.

Sent home.

Not one John Doe on the lot.

Got a warrior poker
without an unknown soldier.

Well you guys
did a hell of a job.

Too good a job.

But the president has his
heart set on an unknown soldier.

They went out and built a tomb.

Invited dignitary to a ceremony.

I hear there's even
going to be fireworks.

Wish i could be there.

You can be.

Private ads

w Puckett.

You have been chosen
to represent this war.

As our unknown soldier.

Congratulations thank you

oh great man that's oh wow.

Yeah.

Dunno like have to
be dead for that sir.

Well yes there is that.

But let's look at the plus side.

What is the plus side
general Ballantine.

Well.

For one it's a great honor.

A chance at immortality.

Schoolboys will idolize you.

The nation will weep.

Oh.

Look no offense guys but i spent
this whole war trying not to get killed.

You have not been
dismissed so do.

Look.

Puck shit.

You're the perfect candidate.

You have no living relatives.

Not even a girlfriend.

No one will notice if you
don't come back from the war.

How motives.

German.

If i may.

Please sir.

Shit out so

i'd like to talk.

Bucket.

Now that the war is over.

What do you have to
look forward to back home.

Alive loneliness.

Misery.

Unemployment.

Well actually.

Actually sir is planning a
career in custodial work.

Bud.

As the unknown soldier.

You'll be returning to fanfare.

Ticket tape parades.

Marching band.

And as the icing on the cake.

The memorial itself.

Nestled in a blossoming
grove of cherry trees.

Overlooking.

The sparkling

blue.

Potomac.

I knew joining the
other war heroes.

Night.

Sergeant York.

I d Murphy.

General pattern too.

But he doesn't have
to do that you can.

Rush

that's.

Correct for.

You've got the cherry blossoms.

Well this would show the folks back home
they all thought i was going to turn out to

be a nobody.

Yeah laughs on that

yeah.

Me the unknown soldier.

Gotcha.

Then it settled.

Lead your dog tags.

We don't want anybody
identifying you now do we.

All know sir.

Yeah.

I'll take those.

Well.

That

just leaves one minor detail.

Have to do

it.

Makes things a lot simpler.

What is

Puckett.

Could you tell me about
the cherry blossoms again.

It's delightful.

You'll love it.

Anything else bucket.

No sir.

Carry on then.

Some hero.

He looks like he's
doing up a free.

The German.

How does that settled
how about some dinner.

Officers club.

Why not.

The base version we got primer.

To recap the three movies that we
reviewed this week here on critics corner.

Mark and i both gave a

thumbs up to the new
Swedish film directed by.

Oliver spent some
all expense and.

Called it the winter
of my despondency.

Haunting abstract symbolism.

Already crap.

Now Jonathan i did split

however

on the newest
teenage romp called

frat slops.

Jonathan i think
thought it to be

a light.

Frothy souffle.

Sizzling with
youthful energy that i.

On the other hand

i thought it was pond scum.

You're not buying
what the hell do you

know now we have a new feature we'd
like to introduce on critics corner we hope

you'll enjoy we call it

real life reviews

in which we critique

the life of an average
person just like you.

Jonathan

will begin with

a review of the life.

Of Harvey Patrick

no picnic picnic.

Of Skokie Indiana.

Illinois

Illinois

rv picnic or a Skokie

Illinois.

Police camera talking
about man and TV.

Now Harvey picnic eu would seem to have
all the ingredients for a successful live.

Show

so why does he failed
so miserably i don't know.

I think the problem
is with Harvey himself

how is this you know
you're right it is hard.

Very good Jonathan it is harder

so we're supposed to care
about this Harvey picnic.

Why.

I mean it takes him thirty years
to develop any character at all

and by the time he does

who cares.

At crucifying me

it's hardly worth the wait
didn't like Gandhi either.

Let me show you.

Here's a scene from last year as
Harvey is coming home from work.

Highest scraps.

I kids.

How do they do this.

Hi there.

It is

i didn't.

I didn't consider

this to be.

Cause.

Then it'll be ready.

Okay.

Wow

some exciting home life.

And it goes on like that.

Obviously day in and day out.

Where's the love

where's the passion.

Where's the.

The examination of
one's own existence

this is

a poor excuse for a life.

I give Harvey pitt nica

a big thumbs down.

Thumbs down.

By give them a thumbs down too

but i didn't

he

Harvey.

Jonathan

oh.

Granted

his life was a
miserable waste of time.

But i rather enjoyed
the kafka esque touches.

Here's a loser trapped

in a dead end job and a.

A loveless marriage.

How do they know that just
anything to make this man human

and think of the the money it took to
bring him into the world would have

to feed him and to clothe
him and then to educate him.

And after all that
what have you got.

You have got a
big bore a dull clod

an empty suit

and another thing i was always one step
ahead of this guy's life there just were no

surprises no wait a minute.

What about the
end thing of his life.

That came as a surprise.

From a mile away i didn't.

See.

The high blood pressure to

the lack of a.

Cop.

Why of course.

By the time he finally has his
heart attack in front of the TV.

Big deal.

Artifact a mundane.

That could have been said.

So.

Let's let.

Down an elevator.

Music could have happened
you should have died years earlier.

In a submarine accident.

Just a terribly weak.

Possibly a.

Shine.

With

something to add a
little science fiction

too with the.

Tragic waste but who cares.

Oh well

see our time is up we want to thank you
very much for joining us on critics corner.

Hope you'll be back next week when we'll
have an aisle seat reserved just for you

bye bye.

You could have a better
haircut don't you think.

We now return to the
nineteen fifty seven film

Amazon.

Starring bill Thomas
and buzzy Clark.

There will be no
further interruptions.

And here we are in the moon.

As.

Well as.

They could run
into any movement.

That intelligent life
is you and i knowing.

Where i live.

The martians alphabetically
speak the universal language.

Me.

You remember the specialty
you took at the academy blackie.

I will not exploit other
worlds for personal gain.

Look at that.

Follow me man.

Keep your eyes open.

And on.

I.

Think they're crazy football.

That's a Fuller what you
remember where we are.

We.

This is only a hunch but.

What are you doing.

Song.

Just as i thought.

The moon has an
atmosphere similar to earth's.

Take off your helmets boys.

Relates to all.

The filming and.

How did you figure it out.

Seems like loony
figured it out first.

Yeah

that's my loony

a regular Einstein.

This is what
theatre is all about

I've seen it twice
it's fabulous.

Go and see it take the kids.

Yes that's what they were saying about last
season's highly acclaimed production no

Peter pan.

I know it's brilliant young director
hermes leech comes to the public rep.

With a bold new
production of Shakespeare's

Antony and

Cleopatra.

Farewell

kind charmian.

Iris.

Long farewell.

And subscribe.

To a season which includes the

daring revival of Anton
Chekhov's immortal.

Uncle Vanya.

Nothing at all everything is all

i'm just saying as i
was worse perhaps.

Because i begun to grow lazy.

Do anything i just grumble
like some old fogey.

As for my mom.

The old magpies tail keeps on chattering
about the emancipation of women.

With one eye as she
looks into the grave

and with the other.

She studies her learned books
looking for the dawn of a new life.

As.

The public read.

Be part of it.

Now this is theater
even i can understand.

At last.

The greatest album of
love songs ever recorded.

You'll want to share them
with someone special.

Why do birds.

Suddenly up.

Sung by the man who turned a personal
affliction into a recording career on.

No soul Simmons.

Just like me.

Thane not

to be.

Why do stars.

Fall down from the sky.

Every time.

You walk by.

Just like

me.

Two.

So

curl up by the fire.

Listen to the non threatening
music of this master showman.

And honey i miss.

I.

I love to be

with you if.

It said

Sandy.

Sweet chips.

Here's her picture
when she was married.

Young lovers of any age will Cherish this
timeless collection of the world's most

romantic ballads.

And if you act now.

This bonus album.

Don Simmons.

Oh.

Jeremiah was a bullfrog.

Was a good friend of mine.

Understood a single word.

This two record collection
is not available in any stores

so order now.

Always had some mighty fine why.

Ma'am.

I'm sorry we did
everything we could.

Hurt.

All that.

Don't move anything.

This has been.

My heart goes out to
you in your time of grief.

Five minutes with a widow

my

dear.

I'll take care of you later.

Who are you.

My card.

Regret and it's red
star enterprises.

I rushed right over the
moment i heard of Harvey's

unsigned

mind.

Don't worry high.

I

set the wheels in motion.

Yeah.

Are you the undertaker no no no

but i will be working very closely with the
O'Leary funeral home where your husband

will be roasted.

He never mentioned
anything about cremation.

Cremation.

Oh no no

no you misunderstand

fitness.

Not that kind of a roast.

You kill me with
that you know that.

Now i see where Harvey
gets a sense of humor.

Is he.

We provide a special service
for fun guys like Harvey.

A celebrity roast to
send them off laughing.

Think of it.

TV's top comedians will
pay homage to Harvey

at a special black tie affair.

What.

Do.

You enjoy getting to me about.

No need to bang me mrs pitney.

You see we provide the days

that tuxedo

special comedy material
tailored to the guest of honour.

Mr Rhett.

Nets w d nets read
the card please.

And remember our motto fun

is the first
syllable in funeral.

Now

ruminating a few details

on Harvey.

Some.

Personal.

Character traits that the
comedians can have some fun with

do you ever see this
driver's license picture

i guess you had
to love them huh.

Here.

Take care of the paramedics
when would you please.

Okay let's have a look.

Yeah you still got your
hair hard that's too bad

no ball jokes.

Ah but you put
on a little weight

will do the fat jokes.

Tell me

did he hit the bottle.

Chase abroad.

How was your sex life home
once a week once a month.

Come on come on come on we need to
hook a hook hemorrhoids herpes something

something we can
hang some zingers.

Tomorrow your husband

to fulfill a lifetime fantasy.

Roast.

Your loved one.

It's beautiful isn't it.

You want another drink.

From the pattern of
america's wealthiest author

Irving Sidney

the man who gave
us the best sellers

Irving Sidney's the naked virgin

and Irving Sidney's
the power and the flesh

comes Irving Sidney's
sizzling new blockbuster.

Movie.

Long time no see.

It must be some mistake

come on when

kitten.

Me.

Part.

I'm in town with the textile convention
and i thought maybe we could

you know.

Part a.

I don't do that anymore.

You better get out of here.

With your wit president.

When president Harrison Chandler
was married in the white house

it was the social
event of the decade.

The courageous president.

And his beautiful new bride.

But she possessed a secret

that could shatter her dreams

and topple the government.

I'll meet you in
the Lincoln room

fine.

And

she was forced to
live a lie when her sins

came back to mortar.

She was

first lady of the evening.

Irving Sidney's first
lady of the evening.

A magnet paperback and easy
to read type with no big words.

At times it's been.

And we need the room again.

In republic.

Okay.

Let's move along.

Just relax

sputnik you're young.

You'll meet someone.

Send the kids to camp.

Okay family up front

on the left.

I guess that's it.

Fame to die.

Is clear.

Ladies and gentlemen.

This is a way.

Let's have fun with it i.

Am out everybody
have a great time.

Faster mr Steele.

Man of the hour

mister Harvey.

Ladies are mortars.

That's all right
Harvey don't get up.

Anyway.

Be that as it may though
i doubt if it was tonight.

We are here to pay tribute
to a close personal friend.

Rv puppet or i'm sharing a.

Picnic rb picnic.

Harvey was a man my
friends it was the shaman life.

As it is in death.

A stiff.

Laughs

but all seriousness aside we
are going to lay two things to rest

rb picnic.

And the room where the
Charlie college was funny.

These gentlemen

are very funny man.

Charlie called.

Rv keep it down.

As.

The gentlemen we're here.

To pay homage to the
late Claude the Potemkin.

David.

Koch well whatever.

Does it matter now.

And if

we were alive today
he'd be a very sick man.

And.

At.

Time

we had i'm sorry to make this announcement
we had two disappointments tonight

Milton berle could not make it.

And rip Taylor could.

Ladies and gentlemen

rep.

Thank you

thank you so much Dave Charlie's
set high but keep it down thank you.

How about that.

President couldn't
be here a heartbeat to

send a wire.

Admit that nevermind.

What is an audience or a
funeral not pay attention.

But i'm a little nervous because
Harvey was a personal friend of mine

and there's not a person in this
room behind a picnic did not touch.

I must say touched me for
forty bucks and Steve for twenty.

Yup folks i don't dance this is.

But i didn't feel for his widow
bernice that was a romantic marriage.

Learn everything about
sex from a manual.

Emanuel was their gardener.

Abs alright

i better wrap it up now talks about
you know the old axiom in show business

get off quick.

Like Harvey on
his wedding night.

You die i gotta go

goodbye.

Thank you for some thriller
beer tonight to pay tribute

to the late Harvey picnic.

But enough about rv.

Take my wife please.

And why do Jewish
divorces cost so much

they're worth it.

And.

Why do Jewish guys die
before their wives they won't do.

And that's what i
think your hobby.

That you're at a young age for
that trip down memory Lane now.

Seriously had a you
were never funnier

and it's a shame.

I was asked to say a
couple of words about Harvey

how about

ugly and cheap.

Hobby wrote his
will on his cock.

And his lawyer said it will
not stand up in clapham.

Run.

Your own

bed oh.

Oh no it's worth the wait until

you've got the
ticket rbs for bottled

water.

I like to say
congratulation hobby.

Rigor mortis year the clothes you
ever come to a hard on in fifteen years.

Thank you.

Rb himself is going to throw in his two
cents as soon as we take em off his eyelids

that.

I don't get it.

Now for the rebuttal on behalf of our guest
of honor his lovely widow bernice nice

and nothing's changed Harvey she's
still going to be doing all the talking.

Thanks Batman.

Three.

Thank you much.

Yeah.

No.

Well i would like to
inject a serious note

as i

henny youngman did earlier.

Yeah.

I want to say too.

Kirby.

My late husband.

As i looked down at you.

Lying there motionless.

I can only think of one thing.

Our wedding night.

And.

I'll never forget my
my last moments with.

Harvey.

As i

as i took him.

My arms.

And i whispered those.

Three little words.

Sign the will.

And

seriously i'm glad to see
slappy white here today

now at least i know
my hubcaps are safe.

And rep Taylor.

Is better to pay or did a beaver
curl up and die in your head.

As.

Many young men today.

So surely bearing.

A o.

One minute the
magic giant Danny boy

there's a great crowd out
there you're going to go

in the Murray.

We're going kill.

Retard.

Oh.

Okay Dave wake up

to go to work.

Again.

Cause want to
give it to the ranch.

Wait a minute.

This isn't Dave.

Date

look.

Picked up the wrong
case at the airport.

Well.

Don't leave suddenly right.

To you it is.

Oh

there's Andrew

well.

Look at this way at
least he knows his lines.

Ladies and gentlemen

that a.

Man is cow day.

Thank you you're
a great audience.

Are they Dave.

He said the.

Is this a good audience.

Yeah.

I

like your hotel room.

As.

They've shown up at his

high school French again.

You were.

You were telling me before
your hotel room is kind of small.

How small is.

Way more.

Than what the French.

Jokes you're gonna lose a crowd.

They was telling me earlier
that his hotel room was so small.

That when it closes the door

the door knob gets
into bed with them.

This.

Book was your spcc.

I apologize ladies in German.

We are.

Just came back from the
ventriloquist convention in Paris.

Mixed up in the luggage and.

I wound up with
a French partner.

I'm afraid i can't
go up with the act.

Excuse me.

I believe i can help.

I happened to have an
interpreter dummy with me.

But a break

would you come up here please.

Handmade German.

Vegas not Omaha.

Okay so tell me Dave.

Liebman ID.

My bed that day

drama belt yeah.

He says his name is not believe

it is.

Right Pierre.

Tommy Pierre.

How do you like your hotel room.

Normally bulk the Sharma.

Shyamalan.

Backpack

he didn't.

Get the battery.

He says what to tell whom

he has not been outside the suitcase since
leaving base that was the straight line

doesn't even know
any hotel jokes.

Luna can say by the
black suit laser tag.

Party.

That is.

Just

nasty salir la.

Look i hate to break up this UN
debate but i'm trying to do an act here.

He says that he does
not do cheap bodily

jokes

but luckily the highest
form of character comedy.

Looked here i'm sorry
if this is beneath you

but we're not doing more

this audience wants some yaks.

X.

Yaks.

Calmest as

a kid Tuesday's
yeah plenty of he.

A Pamela.

How.

Do

i

feel about.

Wow.

That

was fun

yeah.

Oh.

Yeah.

What else.

Numbers.

And that job.

Time.

Got.

Video part and the guns are
prepared to defend borders.

And.

Gun captains

all the latest home videos.

Relax.

Help yourself mate.

Just full of video discs.

What good are
they can't report on

they're not compatible
with my system.

Future.

In.

Schools.

At.

I said i don't want
to be disturbed

breathing.

It's me Trent.

Trent.

I've been waiting for you

come in.

Terrific.

As soon as i
received your cable.

Good god Matt.

What happened.

I've done it Trent.

At long last I've done it.

I finally duplicated my
father's formula for invisibility.

After five years of injecting myself
with every chemical known to man.

But Griffin.

The invisibility formula turned
your father into a raving lunatic.

That's where I've
topped the old man.

I've been in the stuff for

a week now

and i'm still perfectly sane

yeah.

Rule the world with my secret.

Yeah

and I'll need you tent

i must have a visible partner.

I can tell by your
stumped expression

that you're pretty impressed.

Look mama.

No hands.

I haven't come up with a reagent
to make my soap is what we did.

But what's the rush.

I'm having a ball.

Watch me closely.

We.

Oversee your shirt
may go for goal.

Ooh.

Pretty scary heart

ooh.

Wait till you see this.

No.

You don't have
to go all the way.

Yes.

I.

Just listened for the
sound of my voice.

Then you'll know
where i am at all times.

That is about three things.

Being visible is about that.

If you.

Go and get some help.

I'll watch it here.

Cool.

In my.

App it must be a ghost in a

this is unreal.

I'm terribly sorry.

Then our Toyota is

here he is officer.

Take it easy with him.

He's not really danger tourists.

Come along quietly then gov.

You'll have to face

for.

Come along.

This one up

going.

In the case of.

Don't touch me there.

As.

We now return to our feature
starring Greta Van zandt and Lyle Talbot.

There will be no
further interruptions.

It looks like the remains
of some ancient culture.

Steve i said some things
back there that i shouldn't have.

Anyway.

Thanks for saving
me from that dinosaur

forget it.

Hey.

Would you get a
load of this joint.

This drone is still warm.

Are you going.

I forgot something
back on the show.

I forgot to stay there.

Experiencing technical
difficulties please stand by.

You're experiencing tech.

I demand that you
set us free queen Lara.

We are on an official
mission from the planet earth.

Planet earth

is that what you call that
pitiful ball hanging in the sky.

You wouldn't say that if you saw Jane
Russell the Brooklyn Dodgers silence swine.

Or you will suffer the
same fate as your friend.

I intend to file a protest
in the death of blackie.

He dared to enter
the sacred temple

and steal the
precious moonstones

but

feeding him to giant spiders without
the benefit of counsel is not the way we do

things in america.

I.

Boy i never thought i'd be so miserable
surrounded by beautiful dames.

The gags which were
in enough trouble.

She looks.

Like she's never
seen a man before.

She has it.

Have you asked the beta.

No my queen.

What am i good for.

Yeah

i'm pretty good in the
backseat of a studebaker

she.

Men

are useless.

By correct.

No woman is complete
without a man.

You see commando Nelson.

Twelve thousand gamma spans ago.

Gamma spam.

One unit of time roughly
equivalent to your earth year.

Anyway.

All men were banished from the
lunar surface because they couldn't.

For one hundred
and thirty one years

this great institution

has amassed what
many consider to be

the finest collection of
art anywhere in the world

and now.

It can all be yours.

We've lost our lease.

That's right

everything must go.

From the old masters of Europe

to the conceptual
artists of today so.

We're talking rembrandts

buffett shelley's

Gauguin

says that Matisse

renoir and the
chairman of the boat.

Nor do.

I think.

This Egyptian sarcophagus

from the dynasty of
ramses the second

appraised at
fourteen million dollars

our price

nineteen ninety five

buy now and we'll
toss in free of charge

the original declaration
of independence

and you might
expect to pay millions

for this document

that shaped a great nation

but it's yours free.

This fine parchment will
enhance any den or playroom

and

you can have some

fun with your friends

by adding your own name

along with the original signers

remember

the Cosmopolitan museum of art.

Every Van gogh go.

Must go.

And.

Very brown.

Yes.

Sit down

Mary brown.

Thank you doctor.

Mary.

I've been going over your tests.

How did a nice girl.

Like you.

Come to contract.

A social disease.

Then my worst
fears are confirmed.

Oh the shame of it.

No no.

You are unclean.

But.

There's always hope.

Tell me

how you went astray.

Tell me.

I want to.

Erie contest.

Here in Iowa.

I thought i'd try my luck.

New York.

It wasn't like Iowa at all.

And then.

I met a

theatrical agent.

Gosh that sure is different than
the sas gorilla we have back home

whether we like it.

After i.

Got married.

I didn't get you up here
to dish out a lot of ui.

Oh that's alright i
already had lunch.

You'll see there's a social side to
this business we call show now.

Let me see your games.

Why.

I was.

So.

Excited.

When he told me he
could spot fresh talent

and sent me to see a
colleague of his name.

Turned out to be a wild

party.

Dunk your whiskers
in this sister.

You guys sure like your
sass perilla in this town.

Shut your trap Rob
boucher years of.

It's ask me a big.

Cat.

That was my first exposure
to new York intellectuals.

Gee whiz.

My first sophisticated
new York party.

Which one is Cole Porter.

When you realized that your
body had been rendered impure.

What did you do.

I made another

foolish London.

I married my high
school sweetheart can.

We

shameful affliction was
exposed at last when

Ken began showing
symptoms of the disease.

By honey.

I'm going to work.

Goodbye.

I.

Can

what's wrong.

Nice.

Had my sinful ways
caught up with me.

Had i inflicted Ken
with my secret shame.

Vision.

Began to affect his work.

Though today's reckless youth.

With your

fast roadsters and
your rumble seats.

I want to show you something
Mary brown for your own good.

Take a look at the germs that
have ravaged your system.

Problem now with
me to the clinic.

What you are going to see here.

Is not pleasant.

I didn't realize we
had such specialized.

When science is on the march.

Nothing can stand in his way.

Eu is that pitiful creature.

Pizza.

Pizza first troubles

with smoking cigarettes and

drinking beer were.

Back

we don't have any cigarettes.

I've seen enough.

Resist temptation
or you may end up

like people.

And marry.

Hello

Henry silva.

Ever since the ocean liner Titanic
sunk on her maiden voyage and ninety.

People have asked.

How did it happen.

I

joined me.

I'd be dramatically.

Frank ocean liner.

Titanic.

Ocean or not.

You'll be the judge.

Here on this stage.

What do you say we

go park out by the lake.

My glands are out of control.

Well.

Okay Georgie.

But are you prepared.

I've been preparing
myself for seventeen years.

That's not what i meant.

Pullovers at drugstore.

Majority.

Make sure you ask for titans.

Those are the best.

Hello George how are you.

Behind the shower i
didn't think you work nights.

My

nightmare took shape

what can i do for you.

We're having a sale
on shaving cream.

What am i saying are not
old enough to shave yet.

Haven't changed since march.

But.

Hey.

I'm better call your mom right now in fact
her for the preserves she brought over.

Now.

I mean.

I

mean don't bother.

I'll give him the message

before you.

I bet i know what you want.

You do.

Sure i was young once.

Licorice sticks.

Came in fresh this morning.

Mr gower i'm
seventeen years old.

Already.

Seems like only yesterday your
mom around here buying talc.

Powder your.

Bottom.

Yeah.

I.

Look.

Never mind.

Thanks.

Almost forgot what
i came in fourth.

Tube of toothpaste and

boxes.

Toothpaste in the wash.

Boxed

titans.

Have to speak up George

titans i want a box of titan

condo.

George.

I just think

you were an altar boy.

You did say titans.

Only about four times.

Thanks for Chicago.

Rupert gang president
of fighting condoms

graduation.

Are our one billionth
customer better.

Thanks but i really
gotta go for that

we've been planning this for
months it's really not necessary

to have a charge.

How long have you
been using our five.

Product.

Stupid to say i never
use anything else.

Are you getting all of this you're
not going to use my name or

the modesty i like it.

You could gift items that
wholesome image we're looking for

do you know what
you're doing to me.

Going to know about this you'll
be a household name George

just like bip.

Type mascot.

Autograph a box for me.

George.

More good news
George even as we speak

your parents are racing here
to join you in your moment of.

Trial.

Period so you know.

My name is supposed to have the
car make sure you airbrush out exactly.

George.

As a token of our thanks

we'd like you to have
this lifetime supply of titan

thank you.

This one.

I like.

George but i can tell

you're as excited.

As you begin this

your year long
reign as our titan.

Now the exciting conclusion
of the nineteen fifty five feature.

Amazon women of the moon.

There will be no further
commercial interruptions.

Bullshit.

Or not.

I.

Oh.

You

to.

Be like this.

Come back to earth with me.

We could have a little house
on the base couple of kids.

Of course you'd have to live
on a space commander salary.

You make it sound so.

Right.

I cut the.

Tourist

at

the

sky high

yes luck.

The amount of demon is angry

and that ain't just heartburn.

We haven't got much time.

Let's go.

Rock.

Alright.

We got back to earth
i'm going to show you.

Saint yourself.

I would.

Enjoy yours without you.

Twelve seconds before.

Fire retros.

And

she will turn on.

Synth that had.

Got a new home.

Adults called sports.

First less.

Hope you have.

Yeah you

come here.

Yeah.

Saturday night.

Yeah.

Ain't got a date.

What's your name kid.

Re.

Re.

As you can see i mean.

You know what i mean.

Years.

Dirty.

Baggy.

What are you doing here
i thought you were out of.

Did you

think.

I expected a little
more from you ray.

You think i care
about a loser like ray.

I

did it to hurt you

to hurt me

well your cheat

days are over street meat.

Why don't you do that yeah

i'm gonna teach you

and

they don't know
nothing wimp a lesson

that's what i'm
doing with the god.

I love you i.

Love.

You all and that guy
enjoyed going up.

We're

you're history sherrie.

Satisfied re.

Happy now.

Buddy.

Well you're gonna have to

live with that guilt
for the rest of your life.

And you know what else right.

Gonna have to live with

this too.

You'd have the
right to remain silent.

You give up the right to
remain silent anything you say

can and will be used
against you in a court of law.

You have the right to speak with an attorney
and have an attorney present at the time

of question.

I was at.

She caught my eye.

Blame it on the bossa.

Blame it on the bus and.

How's.

War two.

Are your parties
dull and boring.

Well why not live in them up with the
snack food that's sweeping america.

Bad day

it has such a unique flavor

it's more than just an ordinary

table.

Watch.

Know i never saw it
advertised to do that.

Never tried silly
pat tape before.

The parties.

Saturated fat.

Picks up your favorite

strip.

Doonesbury.

Yes you'll never have a dull
lifeless party again with silly.

Silly.

Available in all fine gourmet
shops and toy stores everywhere.

This is bb king saying

won't you please give

so that Don salmon to hear

and so many other members
of society can become

er yeah.

I like to run a couple
compatibility check.

Where do i go.

Usually.

There's a social side to
this business records show.

That.

Let me see you again

soon.

What.

Your stems are hd your
upholstery let's take a gander.

Gee whiz.

My first sophisticated
new York party.

So.

Reducing

embarrassment level by
not doing manual dexterity.

Okay.

Ready.

Shop.

Pizza first troubles
were with smoking

cigarettes and drinking
beer weren't they Pete.

Get back

to back we don't
have any cigarettes.

Sad isn't it.

Though he doesn't.

Great.

Of.

Bullshit or not.

Bullshit or not.

Bull shit.

Or not.

I don't want to talk about movies anymore
i don't want to talk about the good movies

i can't stand that

tend to make me vomit and i
don't like you very much either.

I've

been meaning to tell you that.

I'm glad that finally found
it in yourself to be honest

i must tell you one thing

i'm not trying to hurt your
feelings but you smell bad doing.

Music it's skunk smells his
own hole first is that right expat

never heard that expression.

You're from it was

as

one of those

classic records

yeah that's right a group then

you just fall off
the turnip truck.

Well knows last Wednesday i
said i felt like when did you fall.

I was driving a man i was trying to run
you over that isn't this man's a dunno why

the fuck.

Year of nineteen eighty
will be remembered.

As the year an American
first set foot on the moon.

You get that.

Yeah.

Regalia is a

dead monkey on
board the chopper.

Are allergic pressure
in the atom chamber.

Which the emergency.

Produced by line.

Alright.

Chamber's losing
pressure you can't believe it

it turned quickly

it looked.

Back.

It's ok

and ok.

I.

Had to go back.

I go back

to the jerk.

Important thing.

Co.

Two.

Ajit.

Yeah.

Tonight ladies and gentlemen
yeah it's gone again.

We pay homage to

luckily.

We're here tonight.

To pay honor to.

Hobby bitten it.

See i'm a little nervous because

i just found out
that hobbies doctor

out.

God damn.

Go back to go back
to the two today.

Today.

The today show.

I take that back.

I keeps lifting.

Hobbit always.

I know that hobby at all.

Go back to day

and.

To me.

Go back yeah go back to you.

Is it on the spot.

I got this from the hind leg of a dog i
go by a tree in this whole site goes up in

the air.

Can't you hear me.

You want me to a
couple of more jokes.

Do a couple of let

venice biennale do an audition.

See when i go to Israel you're
around I'll have a tree uprooted.

Alright bunch of boy.

I.

Watch hybrid turnover and is great
but the rest of the Zach but anyway.

Harvey himself instantly loses

the

gentlemen.

Yeah i.

Do a pick up or.

Throw up.

If

you

don't do that anymore.

Don't do that it hurts
when i do that don't do that.

You're a doctor
i'm dubious that.

Guy walked into a psychiatrist.

Nobody talked to me says night.

Yeah

but if you're close you must say

congratulation hobby.

Riga morality is the
closest to a hard on

that you have ahead
and fifteen yeah laughs.

At the close the
picture for you.