All language subtitles for Dave.S01E07.What.Wood.You.Wear.1080p.HMAX.WEB-DL.DD.5.1.H.264-CHDWEB_track3_[eng]

When the last time
you told your-your homeboys

that you love them and
you appreciate them and value them?

-No.
-Turn that shit off.

I'm sorry.
Just go back to sleep.

Did I get curb-stomped
last night?

I feel like my brain cells have
been removed from my head and...

-Neither of those.
-...put together randomly.

There was this little dude
named "Tequila,"

and he came around,
and you lost that fight.

You're an idiot.

What the...?

Whoa. Are you trying
to smoke my USB right now?

Oh, my God.

Just properly eject
next time, please?

See, that's what you get,
Chernobyl.

It's gonna kill you and me.

What?
Stop looking at me like that.

Do you want water or anything?

No, I'm good.

-You want a hug?
-No.

-A high five?
-Can you just stop talking?

What the fuck happened to...?

Ugh.

Can I borrow a shirt?

Yeah, but you look like
a victim right now. I'm kidding.

Let's see what we have here.

-Boom.
-No.

You wear that all the time.
Everyone's gonna know it's your shirt.

Well, haters gonna hate,
so you get...

a P.E. shirt.

How's it feel...

To be with me?

You're so weird.

Don't overreact
and shit like that.

I hold the door for everybody, girl.
My mom raised a gentleman.

You're so overly dramatic.

Uh... what are you about to do?

No plans.
Just gonna continue being alive.

Yeah.

I got a meeting in a second.

I should probably, like,
shower or something,

so I don't smell like tequila
and ass when I get there, huh?

Well, appreciate the, uh,
hospitality.

Is that what you do to everybody
after you have sex?

-You just punch them twice?
-Bye.

Fuck!

-Somebody broke into your car.
-911. Where is your emergency?

-Hi, I'm Dave
-I'm Lil Dicky

-Hi, I'm Dave
-Who's Dave?

Hi, I'm Dave.

Correct me if I'm wrong.

You usually call 911
when, like... I don't know...

you're being currently stabbed
in the chest or something,

not when someone broke
into your car.

Well, my day just got stabbed
in the chest.

Now I got to deal with the cops,
and then...

oh, insurance
and all that shit.

And hope that my work is saved
on the cloud.

Don't call the cops
while I'm sitting next to you,

'cause then I'm under arrest,

'cause I apparently broke
into your car.

And then I'm in handcuffs,

and then you have no T-shirt,
no dick, no laptop.

I'm good on the T-shirt
and the dicks,

but you're right
about the cops.

They're just gonna make me
file a report,

and then go back
to beating up poor people.

You don't have
to stay here with me.

All right, nigga.
See you later.

-Could you imagine?
-Wow.

Ooh, is that a roly-poly?

Well, yeah, I couldn't leave you
looking homeless.

This is your shirt.

Mm-hmm.

Bro, every fucking time!

What's up?

This is my beat, and some
SoundCloud rapper just stole it

and recorded
his lame-ass verse to it

and didn't give me any credit.

Let's take the beat
and kill his mom to it.

It's just, like... why am
I still dealing with this shit?

Like, how fucking old am I?

Do you know what it feels like

to just have your work stolen
from under you?

No fucking clue.

Now I'm about to DJ this fucking
silent disco tonight like a creep.

I just be sitting in sessions
with Trippie

for, like, 12 fucking hours,
not playing any beats

on my hard drive
'cause I'm scared.

But like, bro, I want to be
a fucking producer, you know?

If you want to be
an actual producer, show him.

Have you met this kid?
He's so intimidating.

There's an "eight" in the middle
of his fucking face, like...

like a fucking calculator
or something, brah.

That shit is nerve-racking.

Speaking of,
when's your meeting?

Um...

Uh...

it's not really important.

They don't need me
every second of it.

You don't have to do that.

-Do what?
-Treat me like a fucking random.

You don't have to make up
a meeting just to get rid of me.

Oh, make up a meeting?

I didn't make up a meeting.

I just... You know, it was...

Today is...

a day, and tomorrow's
another day, and...

Look, we were friends before
whatever happened last night,

so you don't get
to act different now.

You're not gonna say "bye,"
give me a hug, nothing?

-Get off my car.
-Or else what?

I'll run you over.

Really?
You're gonna run me over?

Wait, wait. Before you start
your car, can you hear me?

It's a joke.
Your window's broken.

-Get out of the way.
-You're not gonna do shit.

-Really?!
-Bye.

Hey! You left your vape!
You left your vape!

Yo, so I got this crazy idea
for a music video, right?

So it looks like you're walking
down a nail polish aisle.

It's just, like,
a bunch of rows of bottles

of nail polish
in order of flesh tone.

But then you zoom in,

and it's just a bunch
of naked-ass dudes

organized by, like,
every race... light skin,

dark skin, brown skin,
every tone. Crazy, right?

Well, let me hit you back
when I leave the studio.

All right.

You want to be in a music video?

I... don't really think
that's my thing.

I don't have the chest for that.

But you want some coffee?

I'll do the coffee,
but I don't fuck with milk.

Out of respect for cows?

Out of respect for the titties.

Well, this is pea milk
from a pea.

There's not one titty involved, so,
I guess you could kind of...

Hold that thought, pea milk.

This dude is, like, punking
out, asked to be in my video.

Punking out.

Yeah, see, they got
all the candy in here, so...

I'm gonna take you to where all
the candy is.

-Oh, man. What's up, man? How are you?
-What's going down?

Chill... chillin'.

Um, are you gonna
record later or anything, or...?

-Yeah, I'm-a be in there.
-All right, cool, 'cause I

wanted to load up
some beats for you.

-If you have any time...
-Look-look-look, before that,

uh, can you do me a favor?

-Mm-hmm.
-Okay, look,

this is my nephew Sauron.

Hey, Sauron. I'm Elz.

-Hi, Elz.
-That's a cool chain you got.

-Are those diamonds?
-Yes.

So, look, I was supposed to
take him shopping, but I can't

'cause I got to go do
this music video,

and it ain't the right
surrounding for a little bro,

so I need you to go
take him shopping for me.

Take him shopping?

Yeah, like,
take him to Beverly Hills, yeah.

Sir, I don't think
you understand.

Bro, I don't have any money.

Like, I work here.
I'm a normal dude.

I got money.
Sauron, how much money you need?

This much.

All right, I got you.

That's a...
awful lot of money

to hand a child.
How old is he?

Now, what do we do?

-Share.
-We share.

I'll see you later, Sauron.

All right, dude, I appreciate it.

I feel like one of these people
he might be more comfortable with.

What do I...

Do you need to eat food?
Do you eat?

Yes.

What a treat this is.

His face is...
I love him.

Let me ask you this,
and forgive my ignorance, but...

do most engineers that
are trying to become producers

take the babysitting route?

You know, I'm sure Dr. Dre at one
point in time had to babysit someone.

This is not my industry.
I mean, it's my industry,

but it's not my,
like, you know, my niche.

Yeah. What is your niche,
rapping?

Hard to put your finger on what my
niche is. I'm very multidimensional.

You know, I do rap... you saw me
go viral with, like, a stunt

where I impacted
the entire culture of America.

Yeah, for a bunch
of middle school kids.

-Whoop-de-doo.
-The way I see it,

you-you've kind of entered this,
like, wormhole

that reverses your trajectory
and, like, your career

borderline
has Benjamin Button's disease,

'cause you
just keep going backwards.

Your career could have any sort
of disease you want it to have,

because I can take half of it.

-How?
-Do you real...

I own half of your stuff,
'cause I make the beats.

Therefore...
really, you're waiting on me

to make everything happen,
Captain.

You're right. I'm sorry.
It's just guys being guy...

You need a producer tag.

No. 'Cause producer tags
are so corny, though.

They are corny, but yours can be
cool...er than most, and also,

the reason that they exist is so people
don't just run away with the beat.

Look, let's make one right now.
Voice memo up, and...

Elz!

No...!

Don't take it!

Just playing with you.
I'll give you a good one. Hold on.

Elz, please
don't steal my beat

-Or Elz.
-See? No.

I think... You know what it
has to be? A female's voice.

I can do f...
Okay, that's easy.

Elz, I know
how to use the software well

But I don't know how to navigate
This industry socially.

-Sexy Latin woman.
-Easy.

'Cause everything you say
right now sounds like shit.

Sexy Latin.
I got that, too. Okay.

Ooh, Elz, papito,
how did you make it

With the software in time
in between fucking me so good?

Enough. You're too satisfied
with my misfortunes.

It's just guys being guys.

You're not a guy,
you're a dick.

I can't believe Trippie
entrusted you with this child.

Bro, I can't believe it, either.

Think about it.
He has, like, a heartbeat.

-Yeah.
-Beats.

It's not, like,
his session files.

Bro, vocals, I'm fine with stuff
like that, yeah.

Realistically,
would you rather lose this child

or lose all
of his session files?

I don't want to contemplate
either of those options.

They both sound terrifying.

Are these wooden shirts?

Yep.

All these shirts are 100% wood.

What a concept.

I have never heard of this.
This is very innovative.

Are these things
flying off the shelves?

Uh, yeah, not quite flying.

Have you ever been
on Shark Tank or anything?

-What's that?
-It's a TV show.

Oh, I-I just reentered society.

I want one.

-The wooden shirt?
-By all means, man.

You got ten grand.
Try one on, man.

-Want to try this one on, buddy?
-Yeah.

-Are these splinter-free?
-Splinter-free.

Took a year to figure that out.

Where do you wear these? Like...
socially, like, how does it...

Yeah, anywhere you'd wear
a normal shirt. Hunting.

I hope you don't have any woodpeckers
in your neighborhood.

I don't mean that, like...
molestually, or...

Yo, this is hard.

You look like
Pinocchio took steroids.

You look like if they made
a new Pinocchio movie, you know,

today with all the progressive
racial casting in mind.

Can you even, like,
run around in it or anything?

-Like, do you have mobility?
-Yeah.

Oh, wow!

You're like Barry Sanders right now.

-Look at you.
-You're, like, the first wheel ever.

You're like Muhammad Ali.

-Oh! Sauron!
-Oh! Oh, my lord.

Don't... It's gonna scrape.
You can't... It's gonna scrape.

-I can't get up.
-Uh, can you roll over?

-No.
-Aah, he can't even...

-He's, like, a... What do y...
-Aah!

One, two, three, lift.

Oh, my lord!

-Are you all right?
-Yeah.

You're buying? Oh, my God.
Thank God this is hard.

-Jesus.
-You got any socks?

Hey, this your boy Kid Toilet
here to drop my new single.

-The beat is fire on it.
-Fucking thief.

It's called "Pops,
Percs, Oxys and Xannies."

If your pops like me right now,
drop a comment below.

Kid Toilet. Flush with pride.

-What's up?
-What's up, buttercup?

Wow.

-Fancy.
-Little bit.

How are you?

Eh, been better.

Wait a second.

Oh, hell yes.

Just so you know, all this other
equipment, it's un-smokable.

Just fair warning, just in case you try
to pick anything up randomly and hit it.

Wow. You're funny.

What's going on
with your laptop, kiddo?

Investigation's ongoing.

But you know what?
I may start stealing laptops,

because apparently
there's no consequences for it.

Unless I, uh...

...I turn you in.

I knew you were a rat.

What am I gonna do with you?

Stand up 69 where I hold you?
Dude, let's do it.

Hey, punch me in.
I'm about to go crazy, bruh.

Let me get a session, man.
I'm trying to go Einstein in the booth.

Me and him could be making
classics right now.

-Oh.
-Come on, man.

We supposed to be making hits.

Um, I'm gonna leave you guys.

Hold on. You stay here.
Don't you got the plug

on the stick and dot tattoos
and the poke and shit?

Like, I'm trying to get tatted,
like, blasted for real.

At my place, yeah.
So what are you thinking?

Man, I'm thinking about,
you know, Maserati,

me in the back
with two Chinese joints,

you know, like,
you can see through the windows,

me just getting head, watching
a documentary about some...

Fijian chicks, like, you know,

TVs in the headrest,
all of that, just chilling,

real boss shit.

What kind of Maserati?

I know y'all smashin'.

What?

I know y'all smashin'.
Look at y'all.

Y'all just in here vibing, like,
the computer ain't even doing nothing

about music,
it's just sitting there.

Ugh. I'd rather die.

On that note, I'm-a bounce,
'cause I got a baddy at the house

waiting on me, bruh.
I'm gone, Kong.

Hey.
Let me get in that booth.

Let me make some classics.

Whatever.

Oh, shit.

I just remembered
all my nudes are on that laptop.

Guess I got to retake 'em.

I guess so.

Wow. You're fun.

All of a sudden
you want me to be fun?

Like, every time I do something
for you, it's too much.

If I give you a T-shirt,
it's too Elz of a T-shirt.

If I open the door for you,
it's too nice for me to do that.

I just don't know what you want from me,
and I'm following your lead,

and you're just
all over the place.

See, this is exactly why
we shouldn't have had sex.

You're acting like an emo bitch.

Emo bitch.

Got you.

Good one.

Oh, man, what's this?

Oh.
Um... this is a-a beat I...

Uh, nigga,
this is a beat I made.

Vibe hard. Run that shit
back a little bit?

-Yeah.
-Yeah.

That shit crazy.

I j... I just be making beats
all the time.

I got hella beats just in case
you ever need any, you know?

Yeah, I need this one.

Yeah, I'll, uh... I'll-I'll-I'll save it
for you or whatever.

Who you was holding this for...
Thug?

-Young Thug?
-Yeah.

Who do you think I am?

Bro, I am normal, nigga.
I Uber.

-For real?
-No, I drive Uber.

How come
you ain't tell me about this?

I mean, I don't want
to overstep my boundaries.

I'm sure, like, a bunch
of people come to you like,

"Yo, I got a beat for you",
"Yo, let me rap for you"...

I mean, but you're understeppin'

'cause you're not trying
to show somebody that work.

I feel you. I just be scared.

I don't want to be weird.

Damn! Oh, sick.

This is my new favorite shirt.

That's like some 300 shit.
Give...

Give me a high five, man.

You know, I... I picked
that shit out for him.

For real? That's like some

"This is Sparta!"
looking-ass shit.

You know what I'm saying?
It's that, "Yeah!"

Yeah, like,
"Are you not entertained?!"

Yeah... Okay.

Maybe not?

-Ready!
-Let's go

Hittaz on deck, hittaz
on deck, hittaz on deck

Hey, can you play
"Party in the U.S.A."?

I-I actually would rather
just pull all my teeth out,

try to eat a steak, maybe.

Excuse me?
I work for the sponsor,

if you're interested
in keeping this gig.

Oh, my God. That's so crazy.

What am I gonna do if I don't
keep this fucking gig?

How am I gonna eat tonight, lady?!

L.A., open up that fucking pit!

Oh, none of you guys
can fucking hear me.

Hey, you know what the fuck
it is. You're a loser. Ha!

That's my fucking loser.
That's my guy right there.

If you or a loved one was
diagnosed with mesothelioma,

you can collect money
or some shit!

She's cheating on you, dawg.
You know.

You're cheating on that nigga.
Yeah.

What's up, white people?!
Yeah, you're fucking trash.

High five if you love
black people. Fuck, yeah.

High five if you don't love
black people. You're crazy.

- Hey, can I make a request?
- Oh.

Um, only if it's "Get The Fuck
Out My Face" by Rich Homie Quan.

How about "Don't Be Lame.

"I Came All The Way Here in Rush
Hour to This Nightmare Event

With No Passenger Side Window
to See Your Dumb Ass."

It's my jam.

Like, why was I mad at you again?
I really can't remember.

Uh... I don't know.

Well, I'll just accept this
as an apology.

This is not an apology.
I didn't come here to apologize.

Oh, so you came here
'cause you missed me?

You couldn't live without me?

-Maybe.
-Maybe you couldn't live without me?

We should have fucked.
I'm happy we fucked.

Obvious fucking-ly,
I'm happy we fucked, too. Yeah.

Obviously fucking-ly.

I just don't want our friends
to find out yet, so...

I mean, dude,
the last thing I want in life

is Dave giving me fucking relationship
advice, so trust me, I understand.

Do you think I want Ally
to give me relationship advice?

You think I want fuckin' Ally
to give me relationship advice?

-Jesus Christ.
-No. So we're good.

You're a crazy person,
you know that?

I take that as a compliment.

-Hey.
-What's up, man?

Oh, shit.
The music stopped. Um...

Oh, shit.

If you're here for the silent
disco, make some noise!

-Yeah.
-Play it, man.

Let's play it.

Can you believe that?
Okay, wait.

I got something for you.

-Close your eyes.
-Whoa.

Excuse me.
Wooden shirt coming through.

A what coming through?

Uh, open your eyes.

What the hell?

-What is that?
-It's a wooden shirt.

Can I wear that?

Obviously. That's why
I got it for you, fool.

-Well, put it on.
-Put it on me.

Okay, it opens like a door.

Oh.

-Are you ready?
-Okay, you got to stop.

Don't... don't do that.

I realized that if we're gonna keep
doing this

that you need more shirts, so...

Does it fit?

You look like the Iron Giant.
Hold on.

-Here are your headphones for the...
-Oh, yeah.

Get you a seatbelt
and a helmet maybe.

Ay...

Make my earth quake, oh,
you make my earth quake...

-Hold on, wait, you have to...
-I can't turn.

No, you can't turn that way.

One more.
Two more.

Don't leave...

-I have a plan.
-What's your plan?

So after this, we watch
Friends with Benefits.

Okay.

We cry a little bit,
laugh a little more.

Step two... my clothes, gone.

Step three... lady's choice.

You think
you're gonna get lucky?

'Cause when it all comes
crashing down...

-Knock on wood.
-Wow.

You get it?
That was good, that was good.

Don't leave, it's my fault

Don't leave,
it's my fault

Don't leave, it's my fault

Girl

'Cause when it all comes
crashing down I'll need you

'Cause you make
my earth quake

I don't want
no confrontation, no

You don't want
my conversation

I just need some confirmation
on how you feel, for real

For real

You don't want
no complication, no

I don't want
no sovereign nation

I don't even know 'bout that
'cause that's for real

I said don't leave,
it's my fault

Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH