All language subtitles for Dave.S01E06.Talent.Shows.1080p.HMAX.WEB-DL.DD.5.1.H.264-CHDWEB_track3_[eng]

You should play the drums.
I feel like no one knows.

On that musty-ass kit?

Dude, I'm too good
for this talent show.

Foo...

Foo...

Tuna, you need to stop lying.

-There was candy.
-Why would I lie about that?

If there was candy in my pubes,
that would be awesome.

So your bush is just green
and looks like Pop Rocks?

You just saw a straight bush.

Hey, he's just mad 'cause he's got
the smallest dick in the bunk.

No, I don't. We haven't even seen
everyone's anyways.

Well, considering Burd showers
with a bathing suit on,

my money's on him.

I feel like dropping
a Burd Bomb.

-Oh, no way.
-Okay.

-You guys want one?
-Yeah.

Make this the funniest shit
I've ever saw.

What did the Chinese
restaurant owner do

on Christmas Day,
when he knew

every single Jew would be
coming in for his foo?

What?

He got ahead of it.

You got something... you got
something on your glasses.

-Is that a booger I see?
-You got a little...

-Hi, I'm Dave
-I'm Lil Dicky

-Hi, I'm Dave
-Who's Dave?

Hi, I'm Dave.

Oh, my God, the anticipation.
Please, please, please, please...

Company chicken
and company noodles for my little boy.

Mmm! This looks like
a very strong batch.

Thanks, sweet'ums.

Why do y'all call it
company chicken?

Uh, it's what I made whenever
company came over.

Elliot was company quite often.

-Oh, that's so cute, Elliot.
-Burn in hell.

Oh, David,
I used more of the gift card.

I love that spa,

and I think of you every time
I get facials.

Y'all got any more of these
crackers?

Oh, you like the matzah?

Like the cheese? This
mozzarella and cheese crackers?

-No, that's unleavened bread.
-Bad bite. Sorry. Bad bite.

So, uh, Gator, is this your first time
in Philadelphia?

Nah, I been here a few times,
like, you know,

when my boy used to open up
for Tyga.

Gator, Tiger.
Who's next, Armadillo?

G-A-T-A, you know, it stands for
Going Against the Average.

You know what I mean? I'm trying
to be way above average.

-I love that.
-It's an acronym, it's not reptilian.

Wait, speaking of reptiles, what ever
happened to Lenny and Lenny?

They died years ago.
We had two turtles,

but we couldn't tell them apart,
so Lenny, Lenny.

Actually, they drowned in their
own "feshus."

Yeah. It was an allergic
reaction to the bacteria...

It's-it's feces, Don.

That's what I said, feshus.

-No. F...
-I just...

-Feces.
-That's what... I said "feshus."

-Don-Don, are you saying "feshus"?
-"Feshus." Yes.

Fesh... Yeah, that's right.
That's right. Feshus.

It's feces.

All right, I feel like I'm being
punk'd right now.

-Okay, Michael, Michael...
-Feshus, yeah, feshus. Mm-hmm?

Um, how are ticket sales

being handled
for Dave's concert?

They're... What are you...
I don't... What do you mean?

Hey, honey, they just got in,
you know?

You don't have to ask every
question right now.

-Okay.
-He has a lot to do.

Fine. Perfect. So, I don't want
to take up your time tomorrow.

She's farshtunken.
What can I say?

I get it. We're all excited.
No, I know, we're...

-Oh, there's a list.
-Okay, hang on.

Okay.
So, I have some questions.

Uh, is it assigned seating?

Oh, God, is there seating or-or
is this like a mash pit?

Because we have invited
friends...

-They can't stand.
-Speaking of friends...

You got to get all of my camp
friends on the backstage list.

Not just G.A. I need all my early
adopters right there with me.

-Bro, why?
-What do you mean, why?

Oh, can we take photos
or videos during the show?

Yeah. I mean, yeah, if you have your
phone on you, you certainly can.

Oh, wait. This is a good...
Well, I'm not gonna ask this. Don...

How long is this list?

-Don has a question.
-Thank you, thank you.

Mike, will there... will there be any
situations that involve tipping?

Because maybe we need to bring
some small bills.

I don't think there's a lot of tipping
that goes on at concerts,

but that being said, I just have cash as
just like a kind of a-a rule of thumb.

-David... please.
-Yeah, just in case.

At the table, bro?
Come on, man.

And, Gota, Gata, Gota...

Yeah. My name is Davionte,
if that's easier,

but you could just call me Gata.

Okay. Gata...

-What do you do?
-I'm the hype man.

I remember all your son's songs front to
back. Make sure he doesn't miss a beat.

Every other word, I'm there.
Hype! You know what I'm saying?

Know what I mean?
Get the crowd all hyped.

Left, right, hands in the air,
like you don't care type shit.

Oops. I didn't mean
to cuss like that.

You can curse in this house.

Wait, we can curse
in this house now?

Well, you're not ten.

Nigga, what the fuck?

Okay.

Welcome to the basement,
Mr. Gata.

Damn, the basement, bro?
Come on, man.

I know y'all got an attic, bro.
Put me at the top, bro.

This shit sounds like it's about to be
dusty and crusty down here.

-Damn! This shit is hard as hell, bro.
-Mm-hmm.

Look at the decor, you got it
laid out for a peep.

Best room in the whole house.
So many memories down here.

So many memories. I see, bro.

What's up with all the overnight
camp stuff, though?

Did you lose your virginity
there or what?

Uh, no, far from it. I actually
never even kissed a girl there.

But it was, like, very... It's probably
my favorite part of life, to be honest.

Like, that's where I really felt
like a star for the first time

and developed as a performer.

Like, there was this one
talent show in particular

where I was not supposed to go
onstage at all,

and the whole camp just started
chanting "We want Burd,"

because I was so funny,
and everyone knew it.

And I went onstage with no idea
what I was going to do, and I killed it.

And I feel like from that point on,
I just knew that I was

destined to be, like, a star.

Look at us now.
You in your hometown.

We got to turn the fuck up, my nigga.
I got the hookup at a club, baby.

We got to go out and T up.

I don't know. How do you know
someone in Philadelphia?

You've been here for, like,
two hours.

The dude at the airport, man.
He said, "Yo, come,

bring LD, bitches, bottles, table."

I got a lot on my mind.
Let's take it one day at a time.

Are you good? Do you have
everything you need?

-I'm a player, bro. -What's that
you're doing with your hands?

Just makes me fall asleep faster.
I'm good, bro.

-Okay. Previously on Tucking Gata In...
-Ah, I'm cool, bro.

Last week,
Gata didn't want to get tucked in.

-You tucking a grown-ass man in, bro.
-That's right.

Standard tucking, no big deal.

Just getting the legs right.
Everything good. You know house rules.

-Are you, uh, good? You're poofed...
-Man, I'm good.

All right, and one kiss on the cheek
and I am out of here.

Ah, I'm cool on all that
funny shit, bro.

Just one kiss and I'm gone.
Come.

Nah, player. You know I ain't
rocking like that. I'm good.

-Play on, player.
-All right, bro.

-See you in the a.m.
-You, too, bro.

-I love you, dude.
-Man, I love me, too.

Good night.

Hey, Care Bear, did you guys
change the WiFi password?

Because I can't connect,
and I have to download

this huge video file
for Dave's set.

Yeah, it's out.
We need someone to fix it.

-Jesus Christ.
-What?

Well, I can't believe him.

Well, I mean, a man should
wash his own car.

-Those things are so expensive for...
-Michael, that's not his car.

His is in the garage.
He's washing the wrong car.

Oh, my God. That's...

I mean, that's embarrassing.
Oh, my... Look at that.

He's getting in the wheels.
What should we...

Do you want me to tell him?
I can go stop him.

No.
Let him waste his fucking time.

He's making somebody happy.

Jesus Christ.

-Michael.
-Yeah.

Where... where did we leave off?

Nineteen.

How do we prevent people

from being scalped
for Dave's tickets?

I promise you

nobody is gonna get scalped
for Dave's tickets.

-Good. That's great.
-Okay? Mm-hmm.

Will-will other rapper artists'
parents be there?

And if so,
do you know their names?

Uh, yeah. Actually, yes,
Meek Mill's parents will be there.

-Meek Mill's?
-Mm-hmm.

Uh, it's Bob and Sharon Mill.

-Bob and Sharon?
-Bob and Sharon Mill. Yeah.

All right.
Uh... What is HubStub?

Yo, Philly, how y'all feeling?

Oh, man, I fucking hate this.

Tour manager's got to be with
the artist. You got to be here.

-I'm gonna do work.
-Work?

-Huh?
-You're gonna work in here?

Yeah. Oh, yeah.

Oh!

Hi. Cool.

Thank you. You don't have to
keep... We don't have to...

You're good.
You can just put it down.

Hey, you look like a rapper
right now, low-key.

You don't need to keep dancing.
It's fine. Thank you, though.

This is their job. They're really
gonna just keep doing this.

-Burd!
-Tuna!

The bunk! The whole camp
is here. Yeah, come in.

Wha...

- Goddamn.
- Hey! Good to see you.

-Looking good, as always.
-Hey, get drinks. Get in here.

Elz, Elz, shift.

-Bro, there's no fucking space.
-Just shift.

Do you think we can fit
more guys in here?

I can't hear you.

Hey, you guys want drinks?

Camp Lebec.
One roof. We're back, baby.

The bunk is back together.

Came a long way
from a motherfucking O.Z.

Hyphy women here talk
to the police

Try and move fast,
your shit got it slowly

I tell her don't start, B,
don't go at me

Ain't never back down
or ran from no beef

Nigga, I'm the teacher,
hown the hell you gonna coach me?

Tell me what you'd do
if I tossed you a ho piece

Distract that bitch,
we don't need no bouncer

Walk in the club
and stand on the couches

You keep on dissing
that fanny pack...

I'm very drunk.

-I got to move you to another section.
-What?

I have to move you
to another section.

-Why?
-Lil Uzi's coming in.

Okay, where?
Where do you want us to go?

All right.

Nah, fuck that, bro. We ain't
going nowhere, my nigga.

We staying right here, bro.
You supposed to be watching our back.

Why you got to move us now when
we got comped for bottles and shit?

We either move now or I'll pick
you up and move you.

You ain't about to pick nobody up.
Where the manager at, bro?

It don't matter where he's at.
I'm doing my job.

Don't be speaking to me like that, bro.
What the fuck you talking about?

It's okay, it's okay, it's okay.
Dude, calm down. Relax.

I can't relax.
Just like you said, I'm having fun...

This is a business trip.
You represent me.

All my friends would
love the way I represent.

Are you gonna let him bully us
up out of this section?

-It's not that big of a deal.
-It's that big to me, my nigga.

We in Philly. Nigga,
this is your first show.

-We popping bottles, bitches...
-All right! Relax. Relax.

Bro, anybody else would appreciate
that I'm going this hard for them.

You acting like a pussy.

All right, we got to go
to a different section.

-Gata's super hood, huh?
-Yeah.

You're fucking white, huh?

-What?
-Yeah, I'll see you in a second.

-Okay?
-Cool.

I got the Wi-Fi password.

I could care less.
I really have to leave.

I'm so sorry, this is
the worst place on Earth.

Wait, where are they going?
Where's everyone going?

-I don't know.
-Hey, guy, where are you going?

Do you guys have outlets?
Do you have plugs?

Smokin' dope and you know...

I'm telling you,
you've never seen it.

You've never seen a horse
fuck another thing, like a man?

Ah...

Yo, you remember when you told
me to put peanut butter

all over Horowitz's bed,
and I did it

not knowing he was allergic
and he almost fucking died?

It was so cool, though.

Man, my fault, Horowitz. I
didn't mean to do it like that.

I forgot how funny you are, bro.

-Why would you do that?
-I didn't mean to.

-No reason to do that.
-You are a fucking legend.

-Just say it again in my ear.
-Fucking legend.

-I know. I know.
-Yo. Yo.

You should do a Burd Bomb.

-Oh, yes.
-Dude, you've got to.

-You got to. You got to do it, Burd.
-Dude. Come on!

-Been 15 years.
-In here, though?

Yes!

-Burd Bomb, dude.
-15 years. You owe us.

-Okay.
-You own this place.

Let me get my footing.

-You still got it.
-Okay! Let me look around

and see what's going on
in the club. Let me evaluate.

-Scout everything...
-Okay, come on, man.

-Burd Bomb!
-Well, fuck, all right.

You cool, man?
You good?

-Yeah.
-Here he goes!

All right. Fuck it.

It's all you, man.
All you, baby.

-All right. Three...
-Two...

One...

He's pissing...

-He's actually pissing.
-Yes.

Yeah!

You guys want me to come?
I'll do it.

-That's okay.
-I'm sending this to everyone, dude.

-Fuck a bathroom.
-Man, you chilling, bro?

My man.

Gata, this is an $1,800 bill, man.
You better call your guy.

I never said the bottles was free.
I said the table was free.

You can't mention that after the fact.
That's so shady.

You said the situation
was taken care of.

What do, what do you think
that means?

Uh...

What the fuck?

If it isn't the guy
who pees on himself.

Oh, I pissed myself at the club.

I'm still wearing the same underwear.
That's fucking epic.

Do you have video of it?

Nah, dude, I left. I had to get
away from all those people.

-You left? Why?
-Why?

I couldn't be around those dudes for
another second. They're such assholes.

-Who was an asshole to you?
-To me, no one.

But to you, every single person
that we went to fucking camp with.

Bro, I'm dead serious.
You think I'm joking?

Think about everything that
we've ever done and been through.

They never fucked with you.

I think you're really misremembering,
like, childhood, to be quite frank.

They literally idolized me.

-They idolized you?
-Idolized me, yeah.

I'm, like, the most
legendary camper at that camp.

You realize last night
at the club, they made you

pee your pants for their own
personal amusement.

They use you like
a Jackass human, bro.

You're like Steve-O,
but in this shitty form

with no cool tattoos.

I love Steve-O.

Dawg, and the talent show?

You act like that's, like, the
root of your fucking stardom.

No, it's not.
They were making fun of you.

You weren't funny,
you were funny. You get it?

Uh, okay. I don't need a lec...
Like, what are you even talking about?

Hey. Morning.

Wow, Big Don. You always look
like a million bucks when I see you.

-Thank you.
-Of course.

Big day.

Don?
What the hell are you wearing?

You're not, you're not
wearing that to the concert.

Well, it's not just any concert,
I'm the father of the rapper.

-I've laid out some clothes for you.
-You laid out what?

I put clothes out on the bed
that I thought would be...

-There's no way.
-Yeah, it's true.

Your cousin did not
get fingered by bin Laden.

-Yes, she did.
-Isn't he, like, six-five?

-So?
-Yeah, whatever.

Hey, Burd, Kari's coming.

Do a Burd Bomb.
Tell her how much you love her.

For Kari?

What, you think she's gonna like you
because you're hot?

Yeah, okay, um,
uh, where are the eggs?

Hey, Dave.

Are you okay?

Ooh...

All right, Dicky, you got your, uh,
rider laid out right here for you.

Wow. Oh, lo mein.

Cool.

Why do you have Lunchables
on your rider?

Why wouldn't I have
Lunchables on my rider?

-He-he always loved those.
-Great.

Oh, w-wow. They got tuna fish.

-Yeah.
-But, oh, but there's no can opener.

Hey-hey, Mike, if-if you ask
for something like tuna fish,

do you have to put something like
a can opener on the rider, as well?

Because, otherwise, how is
he gonna open the tuna fish?

Yeah, and, uh, I hate
to say this out loud...

I'm a little embarrassed...
but we're not at a level

where we would get
that kind of accommodation.

The big dogs, they get a tuna guy.
We're just not there yet.

Well, I don't know. I-I don't think
it's asking too much, really.

What the hell
are you guys talking about?

-There's no can opener for the tuna.
-Well, shit, there should be.

We could do what we do at home,
throw it against the wall until it pops.

Nah, I don't want
to trash the room.

You guys got catering
out the door to the right,

and you have the meet and greet
in half an hour.

Meet and greet. Okay, I've never done
one of those, but should be easy.

Hey, you want me to bring
any sluts back here?

-You know?
-N-No.

All good. All right,
holler if you need me.

-Thanks, man.
-Thank you, sir.

-I think we're here really early.
-Don't steal them.

-They're here for us to take.
-To eat here.

I'm gonna run out to the car and
get my thank you notes and Dave's gift.

-I'll be back.
-Oh, right, right. Yeah, all right.

So, Elliot,

what made you move out to L.A.?

I mean, what's the story there?

Well, you know me, born
and raised in West Philadelphia.

Spent most of my days
on the playground,

you know,
chilling, relaxing, cool,

shooting basketball
after school.

You boys love basketball.

But then a couple of guys
who were up to no good

started making trouble all
in my neighborhood and stuff.

I got in one little eensy-weensy
fight and my mom got all scared,

so she moved me out to L.A.
with my uncle in Bel Air.

Oh, I thought you lived
in West Hollywood?

Hey.

How you guys doing?
All right, I'm here to meet and greet.

-Get in here. Yeah.
-Uh, oh, oh, okay.

-Give me a hug. How you doing?
-Okay.

-Can you sign my cast?
-Oh, yeah.

I have a Sharpie, actually,
for this very thing.

Hmm. My signature.

I haven't even figured out
my sig yet. Let me just...

You know what?

I'm gonna "Command-Z" this
and start over.

That's actually my sister.
She loves you, man.

Okay, cool.

Yeah, if you, like,
brought her back to your trailer,

you could do whatever
you want to her probably.

That's the weirdest...
T-There's, uh, no need to even...

-Hey, bro. How are you?
-Nice to meet you. Good.

No lie, I've killed to your shit, bro.

-What did you say?
-I've killed to your shit.

What-what the fuck does that
mean? You've killed to my shit?

I'm a sniper in Afghanistan.

-Hey. Hi.
-Why are you guys in this line?

-What the hell are you doing?
-Well, we've met Dave.

-But we haven't met Lil Dicky.
-Here.

What is this?
You brought me a plant? Why?

-It's for good luck.
-It doesn't flower.

-Uh, 2-5-6, uh... 3-5...
-What are you... I don't...

-Your cell phone number?
-Y-Yeah.

Oh, that's of no use to me.
I'm not gonna each out and...

-Hey, not to be creepy...
-Yeah?

But I think my girlfriend would like it
if you'd sign my dick. Can you do that?

Will you sign my dick?
Like draw even, like, a dick on my dick.

Definitely not. What are you doing?
Pull your fucking pants up.

What is wrong with you? Definitely
not gonna sign your dick right now.

Oh. After?

If you want to stick around and meet
where the parking lot area is...

That'd be awesome.

Oh, do the... do this,
with the-the...

-Mom, really? It's a small penis.
-Yeah.

-Oh, is that what it is?
-No. No.

I'm a day one Dickhead.

I'm talking
the "Banana Cream Pudding" era.

Oh, my God, you like that song?
That song sucks.

Really? It's just like
all your shit to me, man.

It's just funny.

-Yo, Mike.
-Yo.

-What is this tweet?
-What?

"Hitting the stage soon,
gonna get litty"?

- Yeah, cool. Is that cool?
- No.

Why would you take the liberty to tweet
before my first concert ever?

I had an entire thing planned.
You just ruined it.

Well, you'd said we can't let social
go dark. I totally agree with that.

I would have loved
to have had the opportunity

to tweet about
my concert myself.

It's my first concert. Like, I
need to do these things myself.

Okay.

And, like, you clearly don't even
have a grasp of my social voice.

I would never say
anything like that.

I mean, I... I don't know,
I mean, we do say

some of the same stuff
sometimes, you know?

-Like, I... Well-well, you say "litty."
-No, I never say "litty."

-Okay. I...
-And if you ever

want to do something like that,
just check in with me.

Just be more communicative.
Yeah, I had a whole plan.

Okay.
I will ask permission.

Okay, thank you.
What is the attitude about?

I don't ha... Dave,
I don't have an attitude.

You're really hot
right now, so...

-Where are my parents?
-I don't know where your mom is,

but your dad is roaming
the building looking for cake.

-Okay...
-Yo, ho, ho!

-Yo, what up, Burd?
-What's up, dude?

-This is awesome.
-What's up?

-Man, look at this spread.
-What's up, guys?

-What?
-Hey, man. What's going on? Mm.

-Yeah, looks good.
-What's up? Fresh.

Man, thank you.

What up, Elliot? You too
big-time to say hi to us now?

Pretty much.

-My man.
- Yo.

Rob's down at will call,
says his name's not on the list.

-Really? Mike. Mike.
-Yeah.

-Yeah.
-Rob?

His name's not
on the list or something?

-He's at will call.
-Yeah, he's not on.

-His name's not on the list?
-No.

So, can you go deal with that?
Grab him?

I don't know, it's probably
faster, just go grab him.

-You want me to go get him in?
-Yeah, well, yeah. Of course.

I have a million things to do before the
show. I haven't eaten in, like, a day.

It's like, I wouldn't ask you to do this
if it was already properly handled.

-It's part of the job. Can you just...
-Okay. I'll-I'll go get him.

-Thanks, man.
-Yeah, no doubt, dude.

Hey, uh, you guys
got any Stella here?

I don't know, man. Like, whatever
you see is what we have.

Well, can you get some?

Dude, it's his show. He can get us
whatever we want. Come on, Dave.

You can whatever we want.
Are you kidding me?

-Look at this.
-Dave will do whatever you want.

Okay, I need everybody to just
leave the room right now.

Everybody leave.
Yeah, I need you guys to leave.

Yeah, I'm sorry.
I need sp... You came too late.

I need space. Everyone,
please just go. Please go.

All right... Absolutely. Everyone,
get out. You guys got to get out.

I need you to go.
You came too late.

-Like, it's too much.
-Okay, we'll handle...

-Can I still get some Stella?
-Yeah, I don't know, man.

What the fuck
kind of question is that?

I was just...

Guys, uh, everyone's out.

Let's go.

Hey. Thank you.

Yeah, I-I do need you guys
to go, too, though.

I just, like,
need a minute to myself.

The sun will explode
and engulf the whole globe

We won't even feel it

Burn us.

Okay. Thank you everybody
who participated.

We want Burd! We want Burd!

We want Burd! We want Burd!

We want Burd! We want Burd!
We want Burd!

All right, well, whoever this Burd is,
come on up!

We want Burd! We want Burd!
We want Burd!

-Burd is such an idiot.
-He looks so stupid.

Burd.

Hey. You got this.
This is what we do.

You seem stressed.
Let me take your mind off things.

Nothing?

Well, lucky for you, you're just
in time for the 8:15 fart.

All aboard!

Geez, tough crowd.
Playing hardball tonight, I see.

Well, how about this?

That was amazing.

-You liked it?
-Liked it? I loved it.

You put your head in a vat of lo mein.
I was so stressed before you showed up.

I forgot you're the funniest kid
on the planet.

Would you do it one more time for me,
just to get my mind off things?

Yeah.

Hey. Kill it.

Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH