All language subtitles for Dave.S01E04.Somebody.1080p.HMAX.WEB-DL.DD.5.1.H.264-CHDWEB_track3_[eng]

You'd rather be blind than deaf?

Bro, what I got to see for?
I done seen it all. Easy call.

You're the only person
I've asked this to who's chosen blind.

What type of hypothetical is this
if everybody had the same damn answer?

That's a good point, but being blind
would suck. You can't even see anything.

At least with deaf, you...
It's a similar life, I guess.

Hey. Hey!

Honey, it's, uh, eh...
W-Wiz Khalifa! Yeah. Honey!

-We dem boyz.
-Wiz!

-What a tangled web we weave.
-There he goes.

Mademoiselle?

-Thank you.
-A metal straw for your ice coffee.

-You didn't have to do that.
-I did.

You put the other straw
on the ground.

It was on the ground for, like, two
seconds. I could have wiped it off.

Oh, look what the cat drug in.

Somebody suck me!

Okay.

Well... No, I mean, I did.
It's all in the deck.

No, I-I did exactly what you
asked me... I did all that.

Please let me redo it.
It's my mistake.

Yeah, but I don't... I don't understand
why that's necessary for me to...

Yeah, I'll shave my neck.
Okay, all right. See you tomorrow.

Somebody suck me.

What a half-assed
"somebody suck me," man.

You're gonna have bad luck,
dishonoring The Mask like that.

I just feel like this job
is a dead end, man.

I have the best book at the company,
you know? They know that, I know that.

I'm just, like, their Pac-Man.
I'm just eating shit, just like...

Pac-Man doesn't eat shit.
He eats whatever

the coinage is
that he levels up with.

-You should come out with us tonight.
-You should.

Emma got us into this, like,
very cool Hollywood party.

And tech people
are sponsoring it, I guess.

Oh, are... tech people
are gonna be there?

Well, then, no. There's no chance
I would go to that. That's so stupid.

There's gonna be
celebrities there.

Like real, a-above Dave-level
celebrities. Uh...

I also, I heard,
I heard that the women

are supposed to put their hands
against the wall like this

and then just look back
at all the men.

A little toe?
A little backdoor toe?

Yeah, exactly.

Don't you want to come to the party?

Some girls are gonna put their head down
here and talk to you upside down.

-Is that so?
-Yeah.

-Please come to the party.
-Okay, I'm coming.

All right, I'll come.

Can't believe you're gonna try
to talk to girls in the shirt

that makes you look
like you're bad at poker.

I love these overalls. If you
scoop more coal into the engine,

will we get there faster, or...?

-You're so funny.
-Okay.

I normally hate art, but...

Damn. Emma, this shit is crazy.

This the type of shit
your bitch like right here.

-You did all of this?
-This cliché bullshit? Hell no.

-I did the graphics for the signs.
-Oh, okay.

It's pretty nice.
You got talent, though.

I got Microsoft Word.

Lights.

I like this.

Hey, thank you.

What do you think?

Oh. I don't want to talk about
my opinion in front of the artist.

That's weird.

Oh, no, I mean, that's totally fine.
Art is meant to spawn a conversation.

All right. If you really want
to talk about it, I guess,

one question I have is:
how is this art?

Okay, well, um,
what do you think it is?

I think you took a bushel of
flowers and you just plopped it

in a toaster
that you bought somewhere.

-That's what I'm interpreting.
-Okay, wait.

I see what's going on here.
You don't like Koons.

Oh, my God. This is not racial
in any way, my man.

No, no. He means,
like, the artist.

-Jeff Koons.
-Your name is Koons?

-No.
-No, I'm...

No, I'm-I'm Marcus.

-Here you go.
-Thank you.

Hey.
I just had an amazing idea.

Okay.

What if we made popcorn
out of baby corn?

Oh, my God.
That would be so cute.

-Right?
-Yeah.

I've been thinking about it
for m... y... a little bit.

We should do it.

What's all this "we" talk?
You trying to get in on my idea?

-No, I...
-You are.

-I mean, you should do it.
-Thank you.

I appreciate your support.
Don't steal my idea.

Don't.
'Cause I'll, I'll sue you.

-What?
-I-I'm kidding. I wouldn't...

I don't even know
how to do that.

But I would, I would fucking
take you to court, for sure,

if you took my idea, like dead serious.
That's not cool to do that.

-Uh, okay.
-I'm joking around. But I did.

I did. I... My cousin,
I fucked him up bad in court.

I've had s... IP stolen from me
before and I don't like it.

-Okay.
-I'm kidding.

-Let me get you another free drink.
-I'm good.

-Just one more.
-No, you know what, I'm good.

-Uh, best of luck, really.
-Well..

I was just kidding around.

Bro, is that...?
Do you know who that is?

-Who, Trippie Redd?
-Yeah, bro.

I want to produce for him
so fucking bad, dawg.

Well, why don't you just walk
your ass up to him and tell him?

I'm smacked as fuck right now,
and I don't want to be

that weird guy who walks up
to him at an art gallery like,

"Yo, what's up, T?
Let me fucking..."

You want me to introduce you?

-You don't even know him, though.
-Man, watch this shit.

But you don't even know him.

My boy Trippie.
What's good, my nigga?

-The fuck is you?
-It's Gata.

Come on, man, you gonna act
like you don't know me, bro?

We was just at Soho House, man.

Oh, don't give me that.
My mom and your mom is cool.

You don't remember,
from the barbecue, brah?

-My mom is Catherine Branton, bro.
-Nah, I don't know who that is.

Hey.

I'm sorry. Uh, I'm a huge fan
of your shit, bro.

I listen to your shit
all the time.

By chance, do you have, like, an
engineer or anything right now?

-Nah.
-Okay.

I don't ever, like, do this,
but like, bro, I'm that guy

when it comes
to engineering, like...

-I'm-a say it, I'm the fucking one.
-The truth.

And I think that I can take your music
to whatever the next level is,

you know, quality-wise.

Not anything else, though, like,
you got your own fucking swag

going down, big dawg,
and it's fucking hard, so...

Bet. Let me get your info.

-Really?
-Yeah.

-What's up?
-Sup?

You guys throw a great party.

Oh, no, I'm not... I'm not, uh,
I'm not with these guys.

I-I'm, uh, I'm in finance.

-Uh, nocturnal stock trader.
-Really?

-Yeah.
-What kind of stuff?

I've been pushing my clients
to diversify.

-Are-are you in finance?
-Yeah... well, music manager.

-Oh, rock and roll. Very cool.
-Mm-hmm.

So you don't just handle the contracts,
you also do their investment portfolio?

Yeah. Yeah, absolutely.

That's interesting.

Okay, so the master
is the recording, right,

-and the publishing is the songwriting?
-Exactly.

Right, so the artist
has two streams of income.

You can't have one without the
other, you have to have both.

No, no, y-you're not
getting what I'm saying.

No, I am getting what you're saying.
You're not hearing what I'm saying.

Of course they're gonna give
on the royalty

if they're getting 10x
on the publishing.

It's called pub.

Is it?

Yo, man, I'm telling y'all about
this Mafia game.

Tom Hanks put me down on it.

And plus, he's, like,
the best finesser in the world.

I mean, I can't believe
I honestly met him.

-Oh, my God. That's Young Thug.
-Really?

That's Young Thug
right there, yes.

Mafia sucks.

Young Thug, you got to stop
surrounding yourself

with, like,
yes-men and theater dorks.

Wait, what? That's Forrest Gump.

That's Gunna as well. Should
we go over... Yeah? Oh, my God.

-Like I said.
-What are you talking about?

That's-that's Woody
from Toy Story.

Hey, guys, you mind if we join?

Sure.

Thank you.

Dude, are you sick?

No. Just, like, weed cough.

So m...

So much phlegm.

Unbelievable amount of phlegm
in that cough.

You know, hey, bro, you was
sick, like, two days ago.

Yeah, I was sick, um,
at, um, earlier this week,

but I'm not contagious anymore.

How do you know if you're
not contagious anymore?

Like, how could you possibly
deduce that?

Who-who knows when
they are contagious?

Uh, are you a doctor?

I'm not a doctor. I'm just
implying that neither...

By the way, such a big fan.

I am just a rapper as well, and I have
so much stuff to do this week, and I...

You would know. You can't record
with a stuffed nose or a sore throat.

I just, you know... I...

It's a dream to be here,
but I have to exit if you're sick.

I'm such a big fan of both of you,
and if you are sick, you shouldn't be...

-Fuck out of here.
-Okay.

I'm just saying, let yourself heal.
Don't smoke if you're sick.

Okay, bye, Young Thug.

-Yo, this nigga rap?
-Kinda.

-He can't be a rapper.
-Dressed like that?

No fucking rap...

Fuck.
Fucking Young Thug.

David.

What?
What are you doing here?

Are you just standing here
by yourself, doing nothing?

Yeah. I can be alone with my thoughts.
I'm not a mental weakling.

I want to run something
by you, though, um...

-You want to get situated?
-No.

Okay, uh, here it goes.

I want to be your manager.

-Really?
-Yeah, really.

I don't think
that's a very good idea.

Okay, well, I disagree.
Uh, I wholeheartedly disagree.

Why do you think
it's not a good idea?

-Why?
-Yeah.

Uh, how about
'cause you know nothing

about the entire music industry.
How's that for an idea?

Do you really think
it's that complicated?

Last night
I talked to a music manager.

H-He told me
exactly what he does,

which took all of 15 entire
minutes. Not that hard, okay?

You know I went to school for
business. I'm a business major.

I'm not concerned about
the workflow as much

as I'm concerned about, like,
the cultural difference here.

Oh, I am culturally hip. I want
to fuck girls who wear Pumas.

I get it. I'm-I'm a cool guy.

Also, last night I chopped it up

with the most famous rapper I've
ever met, uh-uh, Todd Dillerson.

-Todd Dillerson?
-Yeah, Todd Dillerson.

Ty Dolla Sign?

Ty Dolla Si... that's it,
Ty Dolla Sign. Yeah, him.

I thought it was
more formal to say Todd...

-His name's not Todd Dillerson.
-Right. I get it.

-Are you joking?
-Okay. Whatever.

You're getting lost in the
details. That-That-That's...

Aren't you the guy who runs
a rinky-dink operation that lets

rappers take tens of thousands
of dollars from him on a whim?

You don't even own
LilDicky.com.

It's not like I didn't attempt
to buy LilDicky.com.

It was taken on GoDaddy,
so I had to get LilDicky2.com.

Right. Well, LilDicky2,

I reached out to the guy that owns
LilDicky, and I bought it from him.

-You have LilDicky.com?
-Yes. We, we have LilDicky.com.

Okay. This is a lot
to absorb right now.

Look, Dave...

I need a challenge, okay?
I need something new in my life.

I'm not happy right now, at all.

And you need
someone who's smart... me...

and who gives a shit about you
that you trust.

Do you believe in me
as a rapper?

As much as it pains me
to say it, I do, I really do.

-Why?
-Because you've got it.

I don't know what that is.
I always thought that was bullshit.

But without me
or somebody like me,

I-I don't think you'll ever
reach your full potential.

If I go through with this...

-...it's a trial run, okay?

I don't want you quitting your job
right now. I don't want...

I'm not gonna quit my job.

No. You...
This is my side hustle.

You're gonna be my priority,
but I need to make money.

Yeah, you're getting 20% of, like,
the next Kanye... are you kidding?

It's the biggest opportunity
you'll ever get in your entire life.

Wow, yeah, I guess if I do the math

right here in front of you, 20%
of what you're making right now,

then if that, if I carry...
and then my cut is...

Oh, is my cut zero? You
don't make any fucking money.

All right, look.

I'm struggling
seeing a downside here,

because if it doesn't work out,
I just fire you.

No skin off my clit.

And honestly, the ability to fire you
is almost reason enough to hire you.

What a joy that would be to just let
you know that you've been terminated.

-So let's see how it goes.
-Are-are you being serious?

I'm willing to give you
the title "interim manager."

Wonderful. I'll get started right away.
Do you have a business account?

I'm gonna put you on an e-email
with the guy who does it.

All right, perfect.

Could you send me the last three years
of his tax returns, please?

Okay. I'll send you
the last five, okay?

Hey, you get zip files?

Yeah. Yes, I do.

But you don't ha-have
to do that, Don.

No, no, that's okay.
Already, I'm selecting...

and dragging...
and zipping.

I'll let you know
when it's zipped, okay?

Okay, Don.
Looking forward to it.

Hey, I-I got to tell you, Mike,
Carol and I,

we're just so happy that you've taken
Dave's finances under your wing.

Trust me, I have a front-row
seat to his spending.

It's unbelievable. We have
three Roombas at the house,

and we don't even have carpet.

Look at this... $42
on a delivery dinner for one.

And-and why did we get him
the Camry

if he's just going to Uber
everywhere?

Well, at least he does
FaceTime us when he's Uber'ing.

-Yeah, but the data, the data.
-That's true.

Hey, hey, Mike, uh,

you got a Sam's Club nearby?

You should get Dave
a Sam's Club membership.

-He can just use ours.
-No, that-that would be illegal.

We use Karen Smiley's
Hulu account.

-Is that illegal?
-You can't compare.

We're taking a little bit of
a stream once or...

once or twice... wi-with fraud.

Guys? I got to go.

And you think
it's gonna hurt somebody?

-I think it's...
-Sam?

-I don't want to get in trouble.
-All right, bye-bye.

Michael! He hung up.
Because you came.

-What?!
-Shit.

Mike?

-Yeah.
-Wait-wait-wait.

-Mike?
-Yes.

Yeah, man, I have ambition.
I make moves.

"Hi. I'm Lil Dicky,
and this is my large leprechaun.

"He manages me. If you have
any business inquiries, talk to him."

Shit, man,
I think it's tight, man.

Mike is family, bro. We got to keep it
in the fam, keep the grass cut.

I-I agree with... What does
that mean, the "grass cut"?

Keep the grass cut, fool,
so the snakes'll show.

Bro, you got to be able to see
what's going on out here.

Snakes. Oh, he's not a snake,
you're saying.

Yeah, he's... I can trust him.
Exactly. That is a big factor.

Look, I understand
that it's a weird choice,

but he was the smartest guy
in my entire college.

I used to be in class with him,
and he would get in arguments

with professors and win the arguments
in front of the whole class

and humiliate the profe...
It was like Finding Forrester.

But mixing business with pleasure's
a terrible fucking idea.

We do it all the time.

I find nothing pleasurable
about working with you...

I think you need to understand that
before we do anything else.

I'm okay.

Let me ask you this, though...
does he understand

that he works for you, like,
as an employee and, you know?

-I... Yeah, I think so.
-Somebody suck me!

That's me as your mucus
to the neti pot.

Right.

Also, I was 90% sure that
this was the right room,

but, like, what if it wasn't?

-Yeah. Bold entrance.
-Can you imagine?

See? Neti pot? Mike's job.

-Thanks, pie.
-You're welcome.

-Where's the distilled water?
-I forgot it.

I'm sorry.
But you could just use, like...

-Tap water?
-Yeah.

How? It needs distilled water. It goes
up my nose, it's next door to my brain.

You said this was gonna be
a Mike job now?

-Mike task.
-Yeah, that checks out.

-Maybe we should loop him in.
-He would have brought the water.

-Wow.
-I'm sorry, I appreciate you, pie.

Yeah, uh, you can neti
somewhere else, because I have

Trippie Redd coming, and
obviously he's a scary person.

-He's coming soon?
-Now.

Okay, I'll go neti. BRB.

-What's up, rock star!
-God!

Ooh, my little baby.

Well, shit, Elz,
now that he gone,

what's up with some studio time,
let your boy spit some bars?

-Gata, you rap, too?
-Come on, Ally.

He does rap.
Right now he does not.

-You owe me, bro.
-I owe you? For what?

I put you in position at the art show.

How? 'Cause you walked up to him
and tried to convince him that

your mothers were friends?

I can't get nothing in?

I need some studio time.

I got ghetto brilliance.

No.

The penguins
overwhelm the baby,

crushing its head
in the process.

It is a tragic...

Yo, Sixers-Suns, ESPN.
You want to watch?

Oh, brother, I am knee-deep
on this penguin doc.

You should sit
and check this out. It's so sad.

Their home is depleting
at such a rapid rate.

I hate to play the client card.

The... Really?
Right now?

You're gonna play
the client card

for the Sixers-Phoenix Suns
regular season game?

It's part of my creative process.

I love watching the Sixers
beat the shit out of the Suns.

Gets me going,
so gonna need to...

You know, usually, part of the
creative process is creating,

so give a manager something
to manage.

Yeah. Yes.

Well said. I will do work.

-Thank you.
-Brilliant.

-I know.
-God, you're good.

Ooh, ooh, ooh.

Ah, ah, ah. Testing.

-Do you have to do it right now?
-Yeah.

Work should be the top priority.
I think you were right.

Well, it should, but I am...
Oh, man.

I'm-I'm clocked out right now, so...

Really? But the industry's 24/7.
I'm surprised you'd ever be clocked out.

I could also just fire you.
Ooh, ooh, ooh.

Give you more leg to stand on
in this argument.

No. All right, okay.
You know what? You know what?

Look at that. I am all in.

-Great.
-Uh-huh.

Don't you have something to lay down?
Don't you have some bars, baby?

Unless everything was just a big show
so I would turn off the T...

You wouldn't do that.
Would you do that?

Don't say another word. I'm recording
audio. Don't say another word.

My B. My B.

Let me hear you spit
that hot fire. Let's go, Daddy.

-I know it's inside that gut.
-You're fired.

Great.

Oh, I love the way they waddle.

Oh. He wants these vocals.

Damn.

Hey, I think we should be good.

All right, play that shit.

Yeah, hold up, let me pop my shit
I'll kill my brother...

Nah, that shit's trash.
Move it back.

Um... he wants us to...?
He wants me to move it back?

Was that like a lyric or...?

Uh... Oh, fuckin'...

Bitch spleen

Yeah, hold up, let me pop my shit.

Nah, brah. Move it back, brah.

Move the first part to the back,

and move the second half
to the front, brah.

Move it back and put the two
in front of the one?

Oh, yeah, I got it, I think.
I hope.

Pussy nigga talkin',
we gon' leave him in a ditch

I'll kill my brother...

Sound good to you?

Yeah, that's hard.
It's fire.

Nigga, bad with the Grinch.

See some dishes in the sink.

Does that mean
we had a productive day?

Unfortunately not. I, uh...
I can't get much recording done.

My nose is stuffed as a piñata.

I understand how that's hard
to get over that humongous obstacle,

but, you know, we got to get
some kind of schedule going.

Again, I can't produce
unless you produce.

Don't say "again" when you say
a sentence for the first time ever.

It's an annoying trait
that you have.

We just need to have some kind
of rhythm here.

You know what I mean? Like,
in the morning, what if, uh,

that's when you start messing
with beats, and then by lunch,

we got some lyrics laid down,
some verses?

And then, by dinnertime,
we got a hook or two.

Then, end of day,
we got... we got a song.

That's a full song, right?

Oh, wait. The order is
fucked up? What...?

Okay, fine. Do the...

Maybe the hook come before the...
The hook'll be... What-what...?

However that you arrange it
doesn't fucking matter.

But we got to have some kind of,
like, system.

-Do you know what I'm saying?
-Did you just, like, Wikipedia "music"?

Beats, hooks, ver...
That's like... You sound...

Yesterday you spent three hours
responding to Instagram comments.

That's called fan engagement,
bucko.

And you're welcome for taking
all the time out to do that.

-That's good for our brand.
-Okay.

Valid. You also spent
one of those hours

only responding to one guy
that said you suck.

I'm totally okay
if a guy doesn't like me,

but to say that I'm derivative
is just contradictory.

His argument made no sense.
I'm not derivative.

No, you're not.
You are very original.

You're the only artist I know
that doesn't put out anything.

You got to have some kind of structure,
you know? It's got to be like a job.

I don't know what to tell you.
My process is very slow.

Gata always says "You can't
rush greatness." I agree.

Gata's also the same guy
that asked me yesterday

if a rhinoceros is real.

-What do you mean?
-Like a real thing.

Because they're extinct?

No.

I'm still waiting
on a valid suggestion here.

-Do you have any non-cockamamie ideas?
-Oh, okay, okay.

I think if the music thing
is not working right now...

no vibes are kicking,
I get that...

then maybe we should go viral.

Go viral?

You-you... you put out a video

that you know is clickbait.
You know, lures people.

We'll put a titty
in the thumbnail.

The-the cowboy kid did it
at Walmart.

He was just singing in Walmart.

Some country bumpkin was like,
"Look at him singing in the aisle."

And they put that dude on Ellen.

You know, I haven't used up
all my birthday wishes yet, so...

it's gonna happen.

I think you're underestimating
how dumb the Internet is.

What are you doing?
What-what are you doing anyway?

-Like, at... right now?
-Mm-hmm.

I'm drifting.

All right, let's go viral.

Be cool.

Somebody suck me!

Dave, Dave, Dave. Do it again.

It's not... I didn't get it.

One more. Do it again.

I'm sorry, guys.
It's from The Mask.

We're going... viral.

Somebody suck me!

Shh.

-You got it?
-So good. So fucking good.

Somebody suck me!

Somebody suck me!

Somebody suck me!

We got to do it.

Somebody suck me!

Somebody suck me...

I don't understand
the concept of just...

-Somebody suck me!
-Is it the yellow zoot suit?

Or is it the...

throwing out the request
of somebody to actually

do something to this individual?

Yeah, that's a bold request
for sure.

Imploring somebody to...
suck him.

Somebody suck me!

Oh, my fucking God.

Honey, come here.
Dave's on the Internet.

-Look!
-What is it?

Oh, I've read about these.
This is a G-I-F.

Authorities say the locusts could return
in as soon as four months.

Somebody suck me!

So we will continue
to follow this for you.

Somebody...

-Suck me!
-Preston!

Somebody suck me!

Somebody suck me!

Somebody suck me!

Somebody suck me!
Somebody suck me!

40 million views.

I hope
Jim Carrey doesn't sue us.

You kidding me? It'd be awesome,
but it's not gonna happen.

Parody is fair use, man.
We have to monetize this.

I'm talking to a merch company
today about making shirts.

You know, I had
this other thought for T-shirts,

where it was, like,
the silhouette of my beard

and my afro right in the middle.

Who would want that on their chest?
What are you talking about?

Oh, my God! It's... it's...

the "Somebody suck me" guy.

Hey, Lil Dicky, yeah.
I'm a musical artist, too.

Do "Somebody suck me."

-Come on! Do it! Do it!
-I don't want to.

Hey, are you the gay guy from
Modern Family?

Yeah.

-It's cool. That's cool.
-No. No, it's not.

Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH