All language subtitles for Dave.S01E03.Hypospadias.1080p.HMAX.WEB-DL.DD.5.1.H.264-CHDWEB_track3_[eng]

Are you... sure this is okay?

-Should we be doing this?
-It's just Dave.

Yeah. Okay.
Do it.

You can go under the bra.

Elz, I felt them up
at the exact same time.

Oh, my God, the breast meat
is the best kind of meat.

It's amazing.
It's so soft.

It's just... it's awesome.

-You felt them both up?
-And then Kayla said...

Now we want to feel you up.

There's no way
you let them touch your dick.

Actually, uh, uh...

I have AIDS.

Wait. What?!

David, hang up the phone
and come to our room right now.

-Mom?
-I've been listening the whole time!

Right now!

They were doing what?

He was in a threesome with
Kayla Waters and Mallory Parker.

A threesome?
You're having sex?!

Well, he felt them up.

They're sitting around playing
grab-ass every day.

Wait a minute. What does that mean?
He felt their breasts?

Did they touch your penis?

This friend group is
way too fast for you, David.

What does it even matter?! My dick is
too messed up to show a girl anyways!

What do you even mean
by that, David?

Like... from the surgeries?

Yes!

Oh. I didn't know this was still
an issue for you, honey.

I mean, beyond cosmetically, is there
a functionality problem, or is it...

Functionality is not the issue, Don.

It's the scarring,
the mislocated pee hole,

the second pee hole.

Well, the second pee hole, there's
an easy fix to that, as I recall.

-There's another procedure.
-I'm not wearing a diaper for a year!

He doesn't want to wear a diaper!

He's fine just plugging up the second
hole with his finger when he pees.

-We already decided that, Don.
-Okay.

How can I ever use it with a girl?
It's scarred.

It leaks. It's small. It's...

Well, size doesn't matter,
sweetheart.

That's a myth.
Your father has a small penis.

It's average.

It is. In America.

I disagree. No.

No, I told you,
I loved A Star Is Born.

I think it's a fantastic film.

Oh, you look so hard.

Yeah.

-All right, I'm going to the studio.
-Have a very productive day.

-I love you.
-I love you.

I ate her ass
She came, I gasped...

Another.

Run it back, yep.

I ate her ass
She came...

No?

-It's been too long.
-How you been?

Look at you,
you sweet baby face.

Well, I try.

I can't hear you.

Oh. Press the button.

Hi! Surprise.

Hello. What a...
Yeah, what a surprise.

Is that a buffalo chicken
cheesesteak from Frank's?

Yes. Good eye.

Good idea, my cherub.

You're an angel sent from...
the Euphrates.

That's in Iraq, but thank you.

-There's nothing wrong with Iraq.
-I'm gonna set it over here.

How's your day going? Good?

So good.
Ooh, you sound... really cool.

Do I? Uh. Uh.

Uh-ooh! Yeah.

Let's not act like it's you
doing it yourself, though.

There's, like,
mad plug-ins right now,

so he sounds like
an actual rapper.

Every rapper has delay and reverb.
It's very standard.

Ooh, I like it.

Well, I couldn't be more
appreciative of that sandwich.

I love you.
We have to finish this song.

Can I FaceTime you in a little bit
when I get out of here...

-Okay.
-Wait. What's the actual rush?

Dave's making magic.
I'm here.

Okay. I'd like to see
the magic happen. If that's...

It's not that magical.
All I'm doing is breathing.

It's not the most entertaining
moment to see me in the studio.

I live for breathing. I love it.

Great, run it back. Let's do
another... breath, please.

It is weird yet lit
What a chain of events

I've been fucking

I ate her ass

She came, I gasped
I went...

That was actually
a fairly good one.

And make the delay like,
"Ass, ass, ass, ass."

Like, fully wet "ass."

And stack them and...

-What do you call it? Uh...
-Moses.

Moses that fuckin' shit.

I ate her ass,
she came, I gasped...

I went again,
won't make my bed

My mom got pissed,
she said, "Don't rap."

-Okay.
-You like that?

Uh... Mm.
I like the spirit of it.

In practice...
You know, I do just...

I had, like, so many
well-organized things there.

Uh, can I just, like... 'Cause
I won't be able to get past the...

Okay. I'll meet you on the bed.

Let me just... straighten up,
tidy up a little bit.

Just a few choice items.
That'd be over here.

Turn the light down, like that.

Okay.

I'm just gonna angle
this lamp like that.

I know, I'm just
in the unbuttoning process.

And we are...
getting real close to blastoff.

Skinny jeans these days,
you know?

I'm very thirsty.

And I just want to nip this
in the bud before...

we get too far down
the rabbit hole.

Ah...

That was important.

-You good?
-Where were we?

-I can't.
-No, no, no. I'm so close.

I can't hold my weight up.
I can't. I'm... taxed.

Okay, get up, get up.
I'll turn around.

Oh, you... Oh.

-Backwards.
-Yeah.

-Eat my ass.
-Huh?

Did you say something
at the end?

-No, I... You said something.
-No. It was nothing.

-Did you ask me to eat your ass?
-Yeah.

-That's what you said?
-Yeah.

-Were you, were you joking?
-No.

-You were being serious?
-Yeah, I wasn't joking.

You were inside of me.
I wasn't making a joke.

-You want me to eat your ass?
-I did, yeah. Yes.

Al, I would never eat your ass
in a million years.

I'm just being really open
about that. Like, that's...

And when I say "your," I do not mean,
like, your, like, asshole is worse

than, like, the typical asshole.

I would never eat
Rachel McAdams's asshole.

I would never eat...
Beyoncé's asshole.

I would eat your ass
if you asked.

I would never put you
through that. Are you kidding?

My asshole is one of the most
disgusting places on Earth.

There's always debris and,
like, cake down there.

-You don't want to eat that.
-Cake?

Yeah. You don't want to find out
what that means.

Okay, well, I only said it
because of your song.

And you were rapping about it,
and I thought you might like it

and I might like it,
and it'd be fun to do together.

I totally understand what's happening
now... you heard it in the song.

Yeah.

Rap is a very
sexually charged genre.

Just 'cause you hear me
say something in a song

does not mean
that's what I want to do.

I'm just giving
the people what they want.

Okay, well,
what do you want to do?

-About what?
-Sexually.

-Enlighten me.
-You don't... you know...

I don't think
there's much you don't know.

Like, missionary.
I like when you flip around.

No. I mean, okay,
what do you jerk off to?

Like, regular porn, honestly.
Like porn.

-What kind of porn do you watch?
-Uh, HD.

-I'm serious. Like, high...
-I'm serious, too.

You'd be shocked at how many things
are, like, below 720,

and you get in there
and you're handcuffed.

Okay, but what's
the weird thing that you watch?

-Everybody has, like, a weird thing.
-Uh, I don't know.

-I don't have a weird thing.
-Yes, you do. Come on. Tell me.

Milking porn.

Oh, yeah, I'm gonna get
under you now.

Okay, I get it. So there's
a big board with a hole in it,

and the penis goes in the hole.

Yeah.

And then, I would go under it,

and that's the milking,
is the jerking off.

-Do you want me to blow you?
-No.

I could blow... Like...

I don't want you to do any
of this to me. That's...

You asked me the weirdest thing
I've ever jerked off to.

This is what popped into my head.
This is not me saying, "Let's do this."

Okay. I'm not, like,
judging you or...

-What?
-What?

No, I know. Good.

-Is that... Are we good?
-Yeah. Yeah.

You're... Uh, yeah.

-Okay.
-Milking.

Milking. Let's go to bed.

-Okay.
-Good night.

Good night.

-I love you.
-I love you as well.

Oh. I keep logging out
of my Apple I.D.,

and now I'm not gonna be able
to stream this Phish show.

-This is so annoying.
-What's Phish, bro?

-It's a band.
-That's why Dave's in a fucking trance.

'Cause he can't stream
his Phish.

No, I'm in a trance
because you ruined my life

and you let Ally stay
on the session.

She heard the rap I had
about eating ass,

and now she wants me to eat her ass
and do all these crazy sexual things.

Yeah. You've ruined my life.
Thank you for allowing that.

-Hold on, bro. You be eating ass?
-No.

We are just clearing a table, but
we can seat you if you'll come this way.

Oh, amazing. Thank you so much.

Bro, you're upset with me because
she wants to have cooler sex with you?

-I don't understand that.
-Yeah, exactly.

I don't want to have cooler sex.
I like my sex the way it is

where it's plain
and there's zero expectations.

I don't want to have to feel like,
"Oh, this girl needs her appetite whet,"

Very smart. That's how love lasts.
Boring sex. Smart.

Uh, it's 'cause you're
uncomfortable about your...

Yeah, yeah. Duh.

Hold on. Ain't no room for no inside
info at this table. What's going on?

You can't tell anybody. They're, like,
the only two people that know this.

Don't tell anybody.
He's being dead serious.

I'm locked in.

I have birth defects on my penis,
and, like, I had to have surgery on it.

Ah, I'm cool, bro. I ain't trying to
hear all that, bro. We about to eat.

-Oh, okay. Well...
-Yeah, it's really gross.

-It's disgusting.
-It's as gross as you think it is.

Ally doesn't even know about it.

-So your girl has never seen your dick?
-Correct.

-That's crazy.
-Yeah. I control the lighting.

Next subject.
Let's keep it rolling.

What does she want me to do?
Start talking dirty or something?

Yeah. That's what people do.
They talk dirty during sex.

-Out of nowhere?
-That's what everybody does.

You're supposed to nibble
on her ear like Mike Tyson.

All that type of stuff, bro.
You supposed to do all of that.

It's so out of character. I can't be
a different person. Like, that's crazy.

-What do you say, Gata?
-I say things like,

"Baby, your beauty is inspiring.
You're the best thing I've seen all day.

You're a fine display
of greatness at its greatest."

-Can I have your phone number, or no?
-Uh, I don't have a phone.

Um, I'll be back to take
your order in a moment. Okay?

I'm impressed by the way
you talk to girls.

You have no fear, even in today's
climate, of being yourself.

He's talking about
the MeToo movement.

-Oh. I'm with all of that.
-Yeah. Sexual harassment.

-But shit, I got to be me, too.
-Yeah.

Can we get back to the issue?

What am I supposed to say
when I fuck my girlfriend?

-Am I first?
-Yeah. Go-go ahead, Elz.

Spit in her mouth.

-Oh, my God.
-I say, "Open your mouth," and I go...

Yeah.

She's gonna think I'm having,
like, a brain aneurysm.

-You got to try these things.
-All of this shit is so ridiculous.

I'm not gonna be like,
"Oh, you need this."

Who the fuck says things like that?
What is this, '70s porno?

Okay, great.
What do you say, hotshot?

Why don't you just watch porn with her?
Everybody does that.

Yeah, why don't I say, "Hey, Al.
Let me load up a video of a guy

with an 11 and a half-inch cock
made of meat."

-"You can compare it
to my shredded wheat dick..."

Hold up, man. Where the fuck
is my grill at, man?

I just had it right here in a black
napkin, man. What the fuck?

Where the hell is my grill?
Y'all not paying attention?

Not to your grill. I don't give
a fuck about your grill.

He was cleaning up the table.

-Okay, well...
-It's gone, though.

-Is this, like, a million-dollar grill?
-Dude, I paid $300 for it, bro.

All right. Think of it as, like,
one night of Hanukkah.

It's not a huge deal.
Oh, and then there you go.

Just like that. Problem solved.

-Doctor Zhivago.
-My nigga, dude.

-The busboy had it.
-Thank you, bro.

I wouldn't expect y'all to relate to it.
I'm from the trenches, bro.

Don't loop me in with them.
I'm from the West Side of Chicago.

Yeah, don't loop me in with this guy,
either. Look at me. We the same.

This nigga,
you know what I'm saying?

Everybody keeps saying,
"Ooh, you're the rich black kid."

No, I'm not the rich black kid.
My parents have money.

But when I left...

I can do something
for you, too, man.

I can fix that streaming issue
you having to watch Phish.

Can you seriously do that?

Dude, I'm like a black
Neil deGrasse Tyson.

-He is black.
-I know.

Hey.
How do I fuck my girlfriend?

It was just, like, such a shock

to hear him talk so explicitly
in his music.

Like, real Dave...

-Oh, throw that away.
-Yeah.

Real Dave would never talk
like that.

Like, it was so manly
and, like, aggressive and hot.

-And, like...
-That's good.

Right? Yeah. And I was like, fuck it.
I'll just fucking ask.

And then now it's
the most uncomfortable dyna...

It's insane
how uncomfortable it is now.

I love getting my ass eaten.

My last boyfriend liked that
more than fucking me.

-Just lived down there.
-That sounds so tight.

And it sucks
because it has been great.

Like, I really have figured out

how to make myself come
really consistently,

which never happened with Rob.

I fucking hated Rob.

Wait. What do you mean,
make yourself come?

Dave doesn't make you come?

No, Dave...

It's Dave's penis
inside of me.

Well, what is the sex like?
Do y'all fuck in silence?

No. There's passion and...
moaning.

-He moans.
-Moans?

So, y-you just lay there,

and he's silently humping you
and moaning?

-Do you make eye contact?
-No.

I close my eyes to-to focus.

-To escape reality?
-No, I'm not!

I'm saying I am, like...

you know,
focusing on picturing Dave.

Just, like,
a different version of Dave.

You're a teacher, Al.
You were made for this moment.

You just got to, like...
unlock him.

You know what I mean?
Just unlock him.

Yeah, we used to have a Regal.

And my dad likes the sauce,
so he got drunk

and smashed it against the tree.

Then we had a Cutlass.
That was my favorite family car.

Damn, y'all had the Cutty? For real?
Them motherfuckers is hard, bro.

-What's up, bitch-ass nigga?
-What's up with you, bro?

-Do you see what time it is, nigga?
-Fuck all that talking.

-What's happening, nigga?
-Step up, then.

I'm right here. You're doing all that
woofing, bro. All that barking and shit.

Hey! I'm calling the cops.

-For what?
-You lucky he gonna call the police.

Nigga, he ain't about to do
nothing. He just talking, man.

You know where I'll be at, bro.
Pop out, my nigga.

I'm-a see both y'all.
You and Ed Sheeran's bitch ass.

-I'm-a take one of these.
-Hey, you got to pay for that.

-Put it on that bitch-ass nigga's tab.
-Oh, for real?

Yeah, put it on my tab 'cause
you ain't got no money, though.

Damn, they got Orange Vanilla Coke
in this motherfucker? That's crazy.

This is crazy. Where do you think
they import this from?

This shit look just like
your fucking hair, bro.

That's crazy.

Hey, don't worry about that, bro.
How much you want for this, papi?

All we got is Stella, Gata.
You good with that?

- Yeah, I'm good.
- But is it rosé, though?

No, it's... it's beer.

Oh, that's cool, bro. I was
just expecting the finer things.

Hey, what was up with that guy
from the convenience store?

Oh, you worried about that old
poo-butt-ass nigga, bro?

Yeah, well, whatever, man.
I got shook, I'm not gonna lie.

You-you handled it so well, man.
I'm-I'm trying to be like that.

You know, more Zen.
You were so calm.

Can you see what's up
with the remote, though?

'Cause I'm trying to watch this shit
you over here all excited about.

Yeah.

Oh, shit, Gata!

What the fuck? You're the man.

-How did you do that?
-I used to work for Geek Squad.

That's Phish.
Let's have some Phish, baby.

-Yeah. You like this? Is this good?
-Hell yeah.

-You get high, right?
-Come on, man. Pass that bud, please.

The bud is right here.

This is the vampire bud.

Have you biting people.
Smell that.

Oh, this is some bomb bomb.

But when they gonna stop
warming up, though?

No. This is the whole show.
This is what they do the whole time.

Feel that. Feel that.

Feel that, dude.

Please.

What?

-I said please.
-Okay.

-You like that?
-Yeah.

Yeah. What do you,
what do you like specifically?

Your feminine energy.

Yeah.

-Do you like how that feels?
-Yeah. It feels... just ideal.

You're so hard.

I'm as hard as I can be.
I'm fully... I'm boned.

I'm fully hard.

Yeah.

-Yeah. Yeah.
-Your pussy is premium.

Prime-time.

-What do you want?
-Uh, what do I want?

-Tell me what you want.
-I want every fucking nook.

-I want the whole kit and caboodle...
-Uh-huh. It's yours.

Give me the full pussy.

-Give me your full pussy right now.
-It's yours.

-Where do you want to come?
-Uh... There. Within you.

I mean, you can feel
how soaked I am, right?

With gush.
Oh, my God.

-Are you gonna cream?
-Mm-hmm.

-You're gonna come?
-Mm-hmm.

-Cream.
-Okay.

-Precum. Please come.
-You want me to come?

-Give me everything.
-Yeah. Okay.

-Come. Come.
-Okay, baby. Okay.

Okay, I'm coming. I'm coming.
I'm coming.

Oh, my God.

That was...

great.

Amen, brother.

Did you come?

Yeah.

-Dave?
-Occupied!

-I got to pee.
-Uh...

Okay, well, I'm pooping!
Can I have a second?

I can hear you walking around.

Yeah. I stand when I wipe.

-Okay. Please hurry. I got to go.
-Uh...

Okay, what about... Mike's not home.
Just go in the sink.

I'm not gonna pee in the sink.

Can you be quick?
I have to go.

All right, well...

Okay, just hurry up.
Please, please, please,

-Are you okay?
-Yes, I'm just wiping!

-Will you hurry up? I really have to go.
-I'm finishing!

-Go. Geez Louise.
-Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Uh, I don't know.
Must've tracked this in here.

Very strong pee...
I can tell it was, in fact, urgent.

I know. I wasn't, like... Jesus Christ!
What the fuck is that?

Dave, what is that?
What-what is that?

It is...
called a Fuck Me Silly 3.

Oh, my God.
Oh, my God, please take it out.

-Take it out?
-Please take it out.

A Fuck Me Silly, Da...

Oh, my God.
Why is it so heavy?

Where is the other half?
Oh, my God!

Dave, do you fuck this?

You know, you just asked me
three questions.

Why is it so heavy?
I assume, uh, to simulate humanity.

-Oh, my God.
-Top half?

I don't know anything
about that. And...

We just had great sex.
What are you... doing?

You say we have great sex.
To me, that sex was, like, unbearable!

-It was, like, warfare.
-Unbearable?!

I was, like, surviving and advancing.
I felt like I was just surviving.

I hate talking about how, like, wet your
pussy is or how hard my dick is.

Okay, so you don't like talking dirty,
but you like fucking Jell-O with feet?

Yeah. Maybe I like doing it 'cause it
doesn't ask anything of me

and it has no expectations.

I don't have to choke it or yell at it
as I fuck it. I can just be in and out.

I didn't ask you to do any
of those things, right?

I just asked you to be open

and, like, try something new.

And I asked you,

"What's the weirdest thing
you jerked off to?"

And this fucking A.I. bullshit
didn't occur to you, Dave?

Well, it's not A.I.

And I don't look at it and jerk off.
I don't jerk off to it. I didn't lie.

Right. You make love to it.

-That's what I should've asked.
-I don't make love.

-It's platonic. It's...
-Cool.

So, sex with your human girlfriend
is unbearable warfare,

and you can't even tolerate
having, like,

a conversation
with me about sex?

And I-I feel like I'm trying
to figure out what you want,

and you're just not telling me
the truth.

Like, what am I
missing here, okay?

I feel like I'm taking
crazy pills!

I was born
with a fucked-up dick!

Dave, your penis is normal.

Uh, you've...
you have never seen my dick.

Yes, I have.

I know you think you ha...

It's my life's work to make sure
you don't see it.

Like, I spend every moment plotting
the lighting and the angles.

If you've seen it,
what does my dick look like?

It looks
like a fucking dick, Dave.

Now I know you haven't seen it.

-You're leaving?
-Yes.

We're talking in circles,

and you clearly don't want
to talk.

I was born
with a tangled urethra.

So, when I came out,
they did surgery on me.

Okay?
There's scarring down there.

I also have a birth defect
called hypospadias

that one in 300 guys have,

where the pee hole
isn't in the center of the head.

It's, like... For me, it's on
the underneath part of my head.

There were also these small
black dots on my dick

that looked like poppy seeds.

I got 'em removed,
'cause it was humiliating.

And one of the poppy seeds
got removed too far

on the underside of my shaft,
so now, when I pee,

it's out of two different holes,
like a Super Soaker.

That's why I pee sitting down.
If I didn't pee sitting down,

I would just piss
all over my own body.

And when I'm at a urinal, I clog
the second hole with my finger.

There's just a lot of stuff.

Why is this the first time
I'm hearing about it?

I don't know, Al. There was never a
great time to pull you aside and say,

"Hey, my dick looks
like an old pile of worms."

Don't leave.

Show me.

No.

I love you. I know
it'll make me feel better.

I think
it'll make you feel better.

Al, first off,
I'm soft as a mouse.

I'm not gonna show you
this vers...

That was easy.

Yeah.

Trust me.

Okay. Cool.

That's a stand-up boner.

-I love you.
-I love you.

I love it.

Great.

Good night.

Increasing cloudiness tomorrow.

Sticky and humid
with a high of 96.

With the winds out of the east
at 14 miles per hour,

it's currently 75 degrees...

What on earth is going on?

Surprise!

It's your very own
milking table.

How did you...

Just get on the table,
put your dick in the hole

and I'm gonna milk
the cream out of you.

This is unbelievable.
Did you hire a TaskRabbit to do this?

Okay,
so I've been thinking about it.

I think that you jerk off
to milking table porn

because it's just the dick
and the girl.

Right? So it's your biggest insecurity.
It's your biggest fear.

Which means
it's your ultimate fantasy.

Oh, my God. Yeah.

And, last night,
we did what I wanted to do.

So, tonight, we could do
what you want to do.

And, tomorrow,
we could do what we want.

And that's intimacy, right?

-I love you so much.
-I love you.

Not only are you gonna milk me,
I'm gonna milk you.

Mandatory strip right now.
I'm eating your asshole.

Do it right now.
Take off your clothes.

-Mandatory strip.
-Oh, my God.

Get up there right now.
I'm gonna milk your asshole.

I feel like,
for me, it's not milking.

It's more like a gerbil
and its bottle.

Whatever it is, let's do it.
I'm ready to ride the momentum.

What a girl wants,
what a girl needs

What a girl wants,
what a girl n...

Yo.

I'm just... I'm just gonna park
on the street.

Whoo, whoo, I'm still a kid,
look at my dick

But I make these hits
that'll shape your kids

If I shake my hips,
they'll display their tits

It is weird yet lit

What a chain of events

I've been fucking
I ate her ass

She came, I gasped

I went again

- Won't make my bed
- What?

My mom got pissed

- She said, "Don't rap"
- What?

Guess what, I did

Oh, yeah, all my haters'
hands up on their heads

I'm abusing substances
With guys in the NFL

I just stole a Perrier
from Kodak Black

From his dressing room,
while he was onstage

I was thirsty,
back up off me

This is just hip-hop

But my shit pop

- I wear flip-flops
-Where?

To my biz ops

- Ain't no wristwatch
- Why?

Pretty women all up
on my arm

I don't think I need to
get more charm.