All language subtitles for Corner Gas - 4x16 - Potato Bowl

So I come around the corner and
there's two horses in the barn.

And the guy says to me,
"Now can I have my hat back?"

I, uh, I had somethin'
funny happen to me.

Okay. Well, just tell the story.

The other day I was, uh,
I was really hungry.

So I-I go to the store,
and, uh,

uh, oh, oh, uh,

hungry for peanut butter.
That's important. And, uh, yeah.

So I go to the store
and then they're all out.

And, uh, uh, no... wait, wait.

First, I ask the guy, "Have you
got any peanut butter?"

and then he says,
"We're all out. "

That's how it goes.

Okay. Now we got all the facts,
just, uh, tell us the story.

That-that was the story.

What's the point of that story?

Well, do you know who that young
man was who went to the store?

It was you.

Oh. Yeah, I said that part.

Okay, this guy is all
outta peanut butter. Okay.

Yeah, and he goes...

* You can tell me that
your dog ran away *

* Then tell me that it
took three days *

* I've heard every joke,
I've heard every one you say *

* You think there's
not a lot goin' on *

* Look closer, Baby,
you're so wrong *

* And that's why you can
stay so long *

* Where there's not a lot
goin' on *

You didn't put any money
in the kitty.

Nobody puts any money
in the kitty.

We all did. It's
the honour system.

Sucker system.

The Harvesters were founded
on the honour system.

Oh, who told ya that?

It's on our plaque.

Holy hell.

But if this is
the honour system,

how come you're
checkin' up on me?

You are the guys
that broke the code.

I'm gonna take
my money back.

You didn't put any
money in there.

Maybe we should take
it out of his dues.

Dues? Who pays their dues?

And don't come back.

Jackasses!

Jackasses!

Thanks for this, Emma.
No problem.

Ah, the famous
Leroy potato salad.

Oh, whoa!

Careful with that.
What are you doin'?

Ah, the famous
Leroy overreaction.

Thank God you're here.

Wanda was about to make off with
the potato salad I made her.

I don't care about the salad.
I mean I do.

Ultimately I'd like some.

But you're lending her our
potato bowl, "the" potato bowl,

our priceless family
potato bowl?

Geez, you guys are
hard up for heirlooms.

I don't like to brag,
but I have the whole set

of Little Mermaid
glasses. Oh.

You don't understand.

Potatoes taste amazing
when they come out of that bowl.

It's like it's enchanted.

Well, maybe a handsome prince
will show up with sour cream.

You-you can't just...

Look into my eyes.
Stay with me.

She's going to
give it back.

Geez, what a baby.
Relax, pouty puss.

You'll get your precious bowl
back when I'm done with it.

Oh, crap!

Uh-oh.

I suppose pouty potato puss
is gonna start to cry now?

You smashed the
potato bowl!

Hank,

listen, maybe we were a little
hard on you the other night.

Your story wasn't
all that bad.

It was a good story.

I- I wanted some peanut butter
and-and then... wait.

A guy wanted some
peanut butter...

Okay. Let's not open
that wound again.

The important thing is,
a story has a point.

You know when
you read a book?

Oh, okay.

You know the little cartoons
that come with gum?

Oh, yeah. They're great.

They have a point.

How do you know so much
about this stuff?

Well, I don't want
to toot my own horn,

but I was a member of
the Toastmakers Club.

Look, Lacey, I know
how to make toast.

I need help
tellin' stories.

The first thing to remember
is to square your shoulders

and face your audience.

You want to keep
their focus.

Is it important to have
food on your face too?

No, no. Right there, yeah.

Was that there
the whole time?

Yeah. So is that important?

Solitaire?

eBay. I'm looking
for a potato bowl.

Oh, you should borrow Emma's.
She's got a great one.

I broke it.

I need to replace it, so Emma
and Brent will stop whining.

You broke the potato bowl,

"the" potato bowl?

So Emma, Brent, and you
will stop whining.

I had my first scalloped
potato from that bowl.

You don't forget
a thing like that.

Well, I'm sure you
could if you tried.

Somethin's different about
these mashed potatoes.

Yeah. That's because it's rice.

They need sour cream.

You know, not having the
potato bowl isn't so bad.

I- I feel kinda liberated,

like a-a weight's
been lifted off.

Hey, what's with
the brown ketchup?

And yet another weight is
still hanging around my neck.

How's it goin', Hank?

Oh, funny you
should ask that.

That reminds me of another
time when I saw a rabbit.

"Is that a rabbit?" says I.

What are you doin'?

Makin' eye contact.

I don't know where
you're goin' with this,

but I just wanna
be friends.

Oh. Sorry, I'm just
trying to remember

all of Lacey's
storytelling tips.

Oh.

But I can't remember.
I had trouble concentrating.

She had food
stuck on her face.

That's funny.

So she's givin' you tips
on public speaking

while she's got a pork chop
hangin' off her face?

It wasn't a pork chop. It was
smaller, like a bread crumb.

I was exaggerating.

Sometimes to tell a good story,
you have to embellish.

Of course. Why didn't
I think of that?

Because you don't know
what the word embellish means?

Still, no excuse.

I'm afraid to ask.

Hey, Oscar, you win
a beauty contest?

Actually, I came in last,
in the Davis is Stupid pageant.

You came in last?

Yeah. It's the
Davis is Stupid pageant.

So, if I came in first,
I'd be as stupid as Davis.

But you're in the pageant,
so you're still stupid.

Stupider than
the average person,

just not as stupid as Davis.

I've never even heard
of this pageant.

There is no pageant.

The Harvesters Club
is a buncha jackasses.

So, I started my own club.

Why would anyone want to
join a club with Oscar?

*

What, did you guys
win a beauty contest?

Now I feel like I don't
have to make potatoes.

I have options.

Wow. That is an amazing story.

I especially liked your
use of hand gestures.

What are you
talking about?

Oh. I'm sorry.

I'm-I'm coaching Hank, to help
him improve his public speaking.

It seems to be working.

So the whole time she's givin'
me these, uh, storytellin' tips,

she's got this pork chop
hangin' off her face.

She musta looked like an idiot.

Nice use of hand gestures.

Huh?

Hi, Emma.

I just wanted to drop by

and tell you that I just
feel really, really awful.

Oh. Well, get plenty of rest
and stay hydrated.

No. Uh, about the bowl.

I broke your bowl?

The precious, priceless
family heirloom bowl?

Oh, right. Okay.

But, I wanted to
make it up to you.

So with a lot of time
and no small effort,

I was able to find...

Ta-daah!

Uh-huh.

Let's not get all teary-eyed
and emotional about it.

You're welcome.

My life is better
without the potato bowl.

Huh?Thanks all the same.

Stupid bowl.

Hey, Lacey.

So it's Lacey now, is it?

I thought maybe you'd be
calling me Pork Chop Face,

like everybody else.

If that's what you'd prefer,
but it seems kinda mean.

It was barely
a speck a food.

You completely ignored
the rest of my face,

which, by the way,
looked very good.

Well, I was talkin' to Brent and
I told him ya had somethin'

on your face and he thought
I should tell that part

and, you know, emboss it.

So Brent told you
to tell everyone

I had a pork chop
on my face?

Yeah, well, Brent can be a
bit of a jerk sometimes.

Hey, Pork Chop Face,
can I get some coffee?

Hank!

Ah, sorry.

Hey, Pork Chop Face, can I
get some coffee, please?

Why did you tell Hank
to tell everybody

that I had a pork chop
on my face?

Oh, that.

I just told him that stories
sometimes need embellishing.

I guess he ran with it.

But-but a pork chop,
that's too far.

You know, I worked
so hard on giving him

storytelling tips and
then you go and do this.

That's just it. You covered
so much good stuff,

I didn't know
what else to tell him.

You thought I did a
good job coaching Hank?

Oh, a great job.

I mean all that stuff
about the eye contact and...

Posture.

Sure. Yeah, I never
seen so much posture,

drippin' with posture.

I know. Slouching is
such a bad habit.

Oh, which reminds
me of a story.

Oh, Wanda. Hey, you should
hear this great story.

Okay. So my dad
takes us camping...

But you wanted me to clean
the gunk behind the cooler.

No, check it out.

Come for the eye contact,
stay for the posture.

Okay.

Okay, so my dad
takes us camping

and we are all
packed in the car.

And my dad is slouching

and I'm thinking, "Okay,
no wonder we're lost. "

Oh, no, wait.

I forgot to say
we were lost.

I'll be over by the cooler.

Oh. Well, sure, I can
tell it over there.

We should have
an initiation.

We did have an initiation.
I hit you with a stick.

That was the initiation?

There should be
more pomp and...

Ahh!

I wasn't finished.
Oh, and welcome.

What are you doin'?

Hittin' Davis with a stick.

Can I hit Davis
with a stick?
Oh, sure.

Oh, hey! She's not
a member of the club.

Can I join?

Men only.

You let Davis in.

Good point.

Hey.

What's going on?

Wanda's potatoes,
they're delicious.

Wanda, you can't-you can't
come into my restaurant

and serve your food
to my customers.

I know that.
I would never do that.

I just brought these in here
to eat on my lunch break.
Also not allowed.

Then someone said
they smelled good

and Hank asked if he could
try some and boom!

full on feeding frenzy.

Best potatoes I've ever had,
even better than Emma's.

Oh, really?

I gotta go.

Mmm. Oh, wow.

Those are delicious.

What's your secret?

It has nothing
to do with her.

It's just the bowl.

Emma thinks these bowls
are magically enchanted

by flavour fairies
of the forest.

Could I borrow it?

My enchanted bowl?
Dream on, Pork Chop Face.

So then Lacey starts
tellin' this weird story

about her dad slouching.
So I grab onto Wanda and say,

"Hey, you gotta
hear this story"

and Lacey locks onto her
like a barnacle.

"My dad was slouching,
so that's why we're lost. "

Lacey's a barnacle.
That's a good... oh.

Oh, geez. Sorry, that's
partially my fault.

Uh, why don't ya let me
get you another one.

How do you want it?
Not on me.

You know what the first thing
the club should do is?

Build a fort.

Twelve year olds
build forts.

Get some twelve year olds
to build it. Good thinkin'.

How's the club going?

How's the not-club going?

Actually, I'm thinking
of starting my own club.

Girls only.

That's racist.

And...

I made my own sash.

Oooo.

That's nice.

Is that chenille?

And the piping's organza.

Oh-ho-ho. All right. You're in.

I thought it was men only.

Things change.

You have to go through
the initiation.

It's pretty gruelling.

Yeah.

You have to hit
Davis with a stick.

Hey.

Okay, I've
changed my mind.

I want my potato
bowl back.

Your bowl is in about
40 pieces, remember?

This bowl is the one
I tried to give you

while you kept closing
the door on my face.

The door never even touched
your face. Now give it here.

So sorry, Emma.

But I think I'll be hanging on
to my enchanted bowl.

Maybe I'll make some
magical mashed tonight

or some witchy wedges.

Witchy wedges?

Okay, so I don't know a lot of
different ways to make potatoes.

So Brent's tellin' me this
story and he's like,

"And Lacey's bein'
a barnacle, so I drag Wanda
over. "

And then he does this
impression of Lacey.

"I'm Lacey.

I like ta tell stories
about me slouchy father. "

Brent's laughin' so hard
at his own joke,

he spills coffee
all over his pants.

And that's not embezzled.

And be careful
with the coffee.

Don't spill the coffee.

You didn't buy any coffee.

"My name is Brent and
I like to tell stories

and spill coffee
all over meself. "

Did I miss the part
where my parents go nuts?

Hank told them the story of you
telling him how you burned me

the other day going on about
my slouching camping story.

Okay, maybe you're all
making perfect sense

and I've gone nuts.

Well, at least I don't
spill coffee on myself.

I didn't. Hank did.

The embellisher
gets embellished.

Heya, Coffee Crotch.

I'm kinda bored.

Wanna do the secret
handshake again?

Nah, I'm already
gettin' a callous.

What do other
social clubs do?

Ooo, I know.

*

I meant do something good,
like for the community.

Can't we imagine the
little cars again?

*

If we want this club
to get any respect,

we should raise money
for a charity.

What charity?

Who cares? This is about us
getting respect.

We'll raise money and
figure out the charity later.

You're a good person.

What should we sell?

Potatoes here! Get your
delicious potatoes!

Supplies are limited.

It's not a very big bowl.

What it lacks in size, it
makes up for in enchantedness.

When I told you that story
about Lacey, I didn't know

you were going to
blab it to her.

How else was she supposed
to find out about it?

You were the one who
spilled coffee, not me.

I was doin' what you
told me, I was embroidering.

Now she thinks I'm a jerk.

Actually, she called ya
a low down dog swingin'
two-faced jerkaholic.

I never said that.

Embroidering again?

Yeah, I'm gettin'
pretty good at it.

Hey, Mom.

Hello, Son.

Son? You only call me son
when you're up to something.

Oh, don't be silly,
Dear Child.

I made you some
potatoes for lunch.

Well, that's nice of you...
which heightens my suspicion.

Oh. Hello, Emma.

Nice bowl.

What you got in there?

Something non-enchanted,
I assume?

I don't need a magic bowl to
make better potatoes than yours.

Here, Brent, taste these.

Oh. Well, I-I'm kinda full,
actually.

Do you have a spoon?

Mmm. Those are very,
very good potatoes.

Better than Wanda's?

Those are tasty,
lovely potatoes.

You've done it again, Mom.

Better than mine?

Well, the word "better"
is a curious term,
rooted in ambiguity.

Whose are better?

And tell the truth.

I can always tell
when you're lying.

Well, it's not fair to you.
Wanda uses sorcery.

Hah! Take that, foolish mortal!

Man, we sold a
load of potatoes.

Yeah, they were like
ravenous animals.

One guy bit my thumb.

Let's see how
much we raised.

How much did we
charge per serving?

Two fifty.

And how many people
did we serve?

Oh, it had to be a dozens.

So if I've done
my math correctly,

this shouldn't be completely
empty, right?

What?

We were robbed!

And then I thought,
"Well, maybe those
jackasses are right,

a fella should
pay his dues. "

So, there you go. All paid up
for the entire year.

Okay. But from now on,
when you want a coffee,

you put a quarter in the kitty.

Ach!

That bowl better not be
full of potatoes,

unless you're here to give me
potatoes as a gift.

Oh. Are you giving me
potatoes as a gift?

The bowl's empty.

I have it with me because

if I leave it alone for two
seconds, Emma's gonna steal it.

So I remain ever vigil,
always one step ahead of her.

Always vigil, hmm?Mm-hmm.

Like always.
Never takin' a break.

I turn my head for one
second and this thing is...

dammit!

Freeze, you
lousy bowl thief!

No, no, no,
Whoa. no, no.

It's my bowl.
I stole it
fair and square.

I paid 50 bucks
for it on eBay.

50 bucks.
Is that all?

Yeah, I thought it
would have been more.

I mean for an
enchanted bowl.

Yeah, that's a bargain.

Morning.

Shut up.

Mine just arrived today.

Whoops.

Hey.

I'm sorry. I...

Here, have one of mine.

I bought two.
Thanks.

I bought two.

Potatoes aren't really
good for ya, you know?

I know.

Starches, carbs.

Killers, really.

You want some of
my noodle recipes?

Yeah.

And then Brent says,

"I didn't spill coffee
on my crotch. "

Boo-hoo-hoo.

And then Hank says,

"I was just embroiderin'."

She didn't even
use funny accents.

Some hand gestures
woulda helped.

How could you?

Stealing money from
those poor...

little... old...

did we pick a charity yet?

No. But it's still
a nasty thing to do.

Of course you realize
we're kicking you out
of our club for this.

I've been kicked out of
better clubs than yours.

And I didn't steal the money.
I borrowed it.

Oh. And when are you
gonna pay it back?

A little bit every week.