All language subtitles for Corner Gas - 4x07 - I, Witness

Hey, Brent, I was driving
the ball picker upper

at the driving range and
I had one of those, um,

what do you
call 'em?

Hot dogs?

No, epiphanies.

That was my second guess.

You got a job driving
the ball retriever?

Job? You-you can get paid
driving that thing?

Don't you remember how we
used to purposely drill balls
at that guy all the time?

Now you tell me
to remember that.

I almost died out there.
My life flashed before my eyes.

Hey, Brent, I was driving
the ball picker upper...

Was that last one from
like 30 seconds ago?

It was a magical time.

* You can tell me that
your dog ran away *

* Then tell me that it
took three days *

* I've heard every joke,
I've heard every one you say *

* You think there's
not a lot goin' on *

* Look closer, Baby,
you're so wrong *

* And that's why you can
stay so long *

* Where there's not a lot
goin' on *

Oh, boy, did I ever trick Karen.

Details.

There's a police conference
comin' and they want me to
give a talk.

What's the subject, napping?

Better.

Unreliability of eye
witness testimony.

Oh, is eye witness
testimony unreliable?

What do I care?

Actually, it is
pretty unreliable.

There were a
lot of studies.

This is Davis's story.

Stop lording your
knowledge over us.

I'm not lording.

I just know a little
about the subject.

Like the French study
in 1988, which...

Lording.

Can I tell my Karen trick?

Please.

Well, I told them I
wouldn't do the talk.

And then I told them
that Karen would do it,

and then I made Karen
do it instead.

Good trick, eh?

Well, uh, it's not what
you'd call devious.

I did a paper on that.

What, on guys who don't
know what a trick is?

No. On eye witness testimony.

That's the last time
I tell you about my tricks.

Maybe I should help Karen.

That's a good idea.

That way you get to show
off your know-it-alliness.

I was just being helpful.

Eight out of ten people
appreciate...
Lording.

Hey, Lacey.

Hey, Karen.

Can you believe Davis?
He just told...

Sorry. I'm just trying to
overhear Emma and Oscar.

You're just being nosey.

No.

Those are my customers.

That is not nosiness.

That's thoughtfulness.

My mistake.

No, that's it.
I'm not doin' it.

You're being cruel. I never
ask you to do anything.

What? You ask me to
do stuff all the time.

Oscar, can you
pass me the milk?

And I got a lot more examples.

Do we have to do
this in public?

It's just Lacey, and
she doesn't care.

I care.

I- I mean I-I
wasn't listening.

But I care, in a non-nosey way.
More thoughtful.

It doesn't matter.
I want there to be witnesses.

I'm not playing bridge
with you anymore. That's it.

This is about bridge?

Stop being nosey.

Thoughtful.

Thoughtful would be trying
to help me find a new partner.

Emma,

you and Oscar have a lot
invested in this marriage.

A new bridge partner.

Oh.

Hey, Karen.

I hear you're...
Look at Lacey.

She always assumes people can't
solve their own problems.

What a know-it-all.

Oohff, yeah.

No one needs someone
just barging in

on their problems like that.

Well, I'm off.

You just got here.
Where are you goin'?

Mind your own
business, nosey.

I had an epiphany.

So you said.

No, no, no. I had another
epiphany about my epiphany.

It was life changing.

Right, life changing, super.

Did you ask Karen
if you could help her?

Oh, I got to thinkin' I could
come across as a know-it-all.

Really?

So I'm going to manipulate
Karen into asking for help,

by showing her how much
I know about psychology.

I see. So your plan to not
come across as a know-it-all

is to act like a know-it-all.

That's quite the twistaroo.

Uh, excuse me?

I was just talkin'
about my epiphany.

You had an epiphany?

Two, in a row.

He's tantric.
Yeah.

And from now on, I'm going to
live each day like it's my last.

All of a sudden I feel all
warm and fuzzy inside.

All right, I'll bite.

What are you going to be now?

Spaceman, fireman,
space fireman?

As much as I respect
those guys, no.

The next time you see me,
I'll be a rodeo clown.

In space?

Fingers crossed.

What I need is someone
to play bridge with,

that I don't care
that much about.

Do you play bridge, Lacey?

Yeah.

I, uh, played a lot of euchre
when I was younger,

and a little bridge.

My mom said that
I had card sense.

Hey, Mom, do you
want to play cards?

Well, you don't have fashion
sense, a sense of humour,

or a sense of direction,
and no common sense.

Maybe you have card sense.

I had a very
supportive mother.

So, yeah, I'll play
cards with ya.

Maybe we should get
together later and go
over some conventions.

Hmm?

Bidding conventions?

I thought you said
you knew how to play.

I do. We, uh...

we just called them
something different.

We called them buttaboos.

Oh, you-you didn't just
make up a word because

you were caught in a lie?

No. We called them buttaboos.

I'll see ya.

Hey, Karen,

mind if I join you?

I want to show
you something.

I'm trying to get my
head wrapped around
this eye witness

testimony talk
I'm giving, so...
Oh, how interesting.

Well, this is psychology too.
See these words?

Red, green, and blue, written
out in different colours?

What do you think of that?

I'm either uninterested
or disinterested.

I always get those
two mixed up.

Just try it. Read the words.

Red, blue, green,
blue, green, red.

Great.

Now, instead of
reading the words,

I want you to tell me
what colour the ink is.

Blue... green... red.

Hmm, that is harder.

Yeah. It's called
Stroop Interference,

named after the guy
who came up with it. Oh.

So what's happening here could
be called Wanda Interference.

This is gonna be fun.

Now let's go over conventions.

What do you play after one
no-trump? Staymen or Jacoby?

I prefer forcing
Staymen, myself,

but I can play
transfers too.

What about you, Lacey?

Blah, blah, blah,
blah, blah, Lacey.

Well, which is it?

Uh, the first thing.

How do you want to play
interference in slam bidding?

Hah. I'm not really sure. Uh...

Dopey?

You know, you don't
have to be rude.

O stands for odd,
and E for even.

D- O-P-E.

So, if you have an odd number
of aces, you double, or D,

and if you have an even number,
including zero, you pass, or P.

Is that new wallpaper?

Hey, dopey, are you glad
you volunteered for this?

Does he have to be here?

I say that every morning
when I wake up.

Obviously the Stroop
Interference was a little

too esoteric for Karen.

The word esoteric is a
little too esoteric for me.

Maybe I was wrong.

Maybe you should ask her
if she needs your help.

How will that help me to
not look like a know-it-all?

It won't. But it will help me
not hear about it anymore.

That stupid Lacey.

She's always buttin' her nose
into other people's business.

Acting like a bit
of a know-it-all?

Yeah. She doesn't know it all.
She knows nothing.

She's the antithesis
of a know-it-all.

What the hell are you talking
about, Know-It-All?

See?

So what does antiphibisous mean?

It's kind of esoteric.

Hey, come on now, kids.

Not too hard.
I'm getting complaints.

Hey, who are you, telling me
not to throw hard?

Hey, who are you callin' kids?

Hey, now!

Come on, that's enough.

Stop it!

Okay, now stop! Aaah!

Woo-woo-woo! Woo-woo-woo!

Woo! Woo! Woo!
Woo-woo-woo-woo! Woo!

Woo-woo-woo-woo!
Look at me, look at me!

What's your problem?

Oh!

Hey, ignore him. Look at me!
Woo-woo! Woo-woo!

Woo-woo! Woo-woo-woo!

Have fun being a psycho.

Woo-woo!

Woo.

Thanks, Hank.

So this is what it
feels like to live.

Sure.

You don't really know how
to play bridge, do ya?

Yes, I do.

It's-it's like Sergeant
Major or Whist.

Do you even know
about the dummy?

I think you mean dopey.

The dummy is when
you put the cards down

and your partner plays the hand.

So what you should do
is fix the bidding

so you're never the declarer.

A woodchuck, woodchuck all
the wood he could chuck

if a woodchuck
could chuck wood.

Dummy.

What are you staring at?
I'm trying to help ya.

Stop being esoteric
and pay attention.

Hey, Karen. How's it going?

Looks like it could rain,
you know? Clouds...

Oh, yeah. That's cool.

Anyways, I remembered
another psychology experiment.

Oh. Well, I should get going,
before the rain.

This one's really great.

Hey, Brent,

you want to get in
on a psychology test?

I didn't know how to ask.

Okay.

We want someone to come in,
then I yell out,

"What's four times five?"

And then you yell out, at the
top of your lungs, "Nineteen!"

even though we know
the answer is twenty.

And then we wait,

to see how long it takes the
person to conform to the group.

You didn't tell me this
was gonna be fun too. Heh.

Oh, here comes Oscar.
We'll use him.

I always knew Dad would be part
of a psychological test one day.

What are you
jackasses doin'?

We're not jackasses.

We're doing a fun math quiz.

Now that I hear it,
we are jackasses.

What's four times five?!

Nineteen! Nineteen!

Twenty-one!
Nineteen!

Twenty-one!
Nineteen!

Twenty-one!
Nineteen!

Twenty-one!
Nineteen!

Twenty-one!
Twenty-one!
Nineteen!Twenty-one!

What's going on?

I asked them what
four times five is.

Nineteen!
Twenty-one! It's twenty.

Yeah, Fitzy's right.

Twenty-one!

Nineteen!

Twenty-one!
Nineteen! Twenty!

Twenty-one!
Twenty!
Nineteen!

Okay, that's not quite how
it's supposed to work!

Let's do another one.
Six times seven.

Come on, six times seven.

Uh, 42?

Nineteen!

Forty-one! Forty-one!
Nineteen!Forty-two!

Nineteen! Nineteen!

Get out!

Thanks again for doing this.

No one wants to talk to us.

Well, that's because of Oscar.
He can be a little off-putting.

Your Oscar?
I don't believe it.

Let's play.

And remember, have fun.

Yeah, some people go their lives
without havin' an epiphany.

Me, I'm havin' 'em like crazy.

Well, becoming a rodeo clown
is an admirable pursuit.

They're real life heroes,

only funnier, and
in baggier pants.

Yeah. I-I-I-I didn't really
do my research.

There's not a lot of
rodeos around here.

You know,

I sometimes find myself in
some pretty scary situations.

Maybe you can help the force.

Like a superhero.

Well, I'm just a cop
doin' my job.

No, no, I meant me.

Yeah, you too.

Okay, it-it must be almost full.
That's good enough.

Geez, you're really in a
rush to get outta here.

Oh, no offence, but Wanda
has been a little, uh...

Semantic priming is a
fascinating phenomenon.

Hurry. Quick.

That's an
excellent example.

Karen, why don't you
ask Wanda

if she'll help you
with your talk?

Do you know anything
about psychology?

Are you kidding?

I know it all.

You shoulda known
I had long spades,

because I bid them twice.

You shoulda known
I had long spades,

because I bid them twice.

Hey, I understood you.

And when I played my
diamond eight on your ace,

it was a suit
preference signal.

Blah, blah, blah,
blah, Lacey.

Blah, blah, blah, Lacey.

So you should have
returned a heart.

What happened to
"Let's have fun"?

I have fun when I win.

Davis, my neighbour
has dandelions

and the seeds are goin'
in my yard.

Yeah, Oscar.
I should really get going.

I pay your salary. I want
you to go over there...

What are you doin'
that for?

Are you siccin'
the dogs on me?

Woo-woo-woo! Woo! Woo-woo-woo!
Woo-woo-woo! Woo!

Now what's this
nimrod doin'?

Woo-woo-woo! Look at me!
Look at me!

I am lookin' at ya, jackass.

Davis, use your night
stick on this idiot!

Davis!

Next time don't be afraid
to bid, or take a trick,

or follow the most basic
of instructions

that I spell out for you.

I appreciate the advice.

Good game?

Yes, it was fine.

Emma can be a little nasty
when she gets competitive.

She was fine.

You see,I like
being yelled at.

It builds character
and helps prepare me

if I ever decide to
join the Marines.

I guess you owe me
an apology.

Owe you an apology?

Why didn't you tell me
she was so competitive?

Why would I do that?

Thanks to your nosiness,
I'm off the hook.

Very thoughtful of ya.

Just get that taillight
fixed as soon as you can.

Will do. Thanks.

Woo! Woo! Look at me!
Look at me! Woo!

That's okay, Hank.
Everything's okay.

Woo-woo-woo!
Look at me!
Look at me!

I didn't even whistle.

Everything's okay!

Where's my pointer?

Where's my pointer?

Geez, relax.

Uh, I'm just-I'm not
good with crowds.

It's fine.

You're experiencing what's
known as a mild panic attack.

Thanks, Dr. Obvious.

Sweaty palms, awareness
of stomach movements,

frequent urges to go
to the bathroom.

You'd think a know-it-all
would know when to clam up.

I have to get
Hank to stop.

I wonder how many times
I've heard that phrase.

Why? What's he doin'?

He thinks he's a
superhero rodeo clown.

Oh, yeah. It might be difficult
to get him to stop.

According to the
rodeo clown code,

they have to be seriously
injured before they can quit.

How do you know so much
about the rodeo clown code?

I made that up.

So what should I do?

Should I trick him?
I'm good at trickin' people.

Uh, no, you should probably
just tell him straight out.

Hey, you're his best friend.

Do you think you
could tell him?

Sure.

He-he-hey-hey.
Tricked ya into doin' it.

Davis does it again.

So, do you want me
to tell him or not?

Tell who what?

Oh, that's right, you
haven't been around.

Hank had an epiphany and
decided to fulfill his
lifelong ambition,

which this week is to be a rodeo
clown who helps the police.

How are you
going to tell him?

I'm just going to be direct.

That's what I'm going
to do, just be direct.

Instead of ignoring my
interpersonal conflict

with someone, I am going to
take ownership of my feelings.

And I, Diana Prince, Queen
of the Amazons, will fight,

with my magic lasso
and my golden bracelets.

Onward, fellow
Justice Leaguers.

And thanks, Brent.

Huh?

Oh, you're-you're welcome.

Man, there's a lotta
cops out there.

Think of Davis.
He's counting on you.

I'm tired of his tricks.

I'm not doing Davis's
work for him.

You're manufacturing an
excuse for not doing this.

Yeah.

I need to manufacture an
excuse to not do this.

I need to chicken out, to show
Davis I can't be bullied.

But I did all this work!

That's the excuse.
You did all the work.

Thanks, Wanda.

What?

Give up my dream?

Yeah. Sorry I had to be
the one to tell ya.

Oh, man. I finally find
somethin' I'm good at.

What am I going to do now?

Space fireman?

I looked into it.
I'm too short.

Hey, I could be the guy that
drives the ball picker upper

at the driving range.

Ah!

Oh, right, the balls!

Hello.

I'm Officer Karen Pelly.

And today I would like
to give a talk

on how unreliable eye witness
testimony can be.

As Elizabeth Loftus said,

blah, blah, blah, blah,
blah, blah, blah,

blah, blah, blah, blah.

Do you need somethin', Dad,

some anti-giggle medicine or...

I'm just laughin' at Lacey.

She was playin' bridge
with your mother

and caught a glimpse
of her dark side.

Oh-ooh, that is rough.

Boy, when Mom plays cards,
she can be a... Wait a minute.

Would you say this is an
interpersonal conflict?

What?

Oh, no.

Lacey's about to take
ownership of her feelings.

Mom won't like that one bit.

So what did you
want to tell me?

I didn't want to do
this at The Ruby.

I understand.

You do?

You wanted to apologize
for how badly you played.

I'd be embarrassed too,
if I were you.

Apology accepted.

Okay, Emma,

you're not a very good person
to play bridge with.

You're too competitive.

I assumed it was Oscar's fault.

It's yours.

You're saying I'm the problem?

Mm-hmm.

How dare you come into my...

Woo! Woo-woo-woo! Woo! Hey!
Woo, look at me! Look at me!

Hank, what are you doing?

Get outta here now!
What?

Go!

Woo! Woo-woo-woo!

I thought Hank quit.

I brought him out of
retirement, to save you.

But, Brent, you're the one
that told me to be direct.

Sometimes I just
make stuff up.

Geez, you'd think people
would know that by now.

Oh, God, no! No tickling!
Oh, no tickle! No!

Is Hank gonna be okay?

Whoa-whoa-whoa,
don't look back.

Oooh-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho!

Karen,

good job on that talk.

Very funny. You don't
have to be a jerk.

I'm not.

You were good.

I mean I don't agree with
your thesis that eye witness

counts are unreliable, but...
well presented.

What are you talking about?

Wanda filled in for me.
Wanda gave the talk.

I'm not fallin' for one of
your psychological mind games.

You can't trick a trickster.

No, I'm serious.

Go ask Wanda if you
don't believe me.

Where is Wanda, anyway?

This should be fun.

My last partner was
a little stunned.

Just remember, if we get
a two no-trump opening,

we go with the
Puppet Staymen.

Then a three club response
could at least promise
game going values.

Shut up, ya stupid
know-it-all!