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1
00:00:09,240 --> 00:00:11,607
I've always loved getting clean.
2
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I love baths.
3
00:00:15,720 --> 00:00:17,722
I love showers.
4
00:00:24,400 --> 00:00:26,209
It's my happy place.
5
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Was my happy place.
6
00:00:42,640 --> 00:00:45,723
All inmates in D dorm must be checked for lice.
7
00:00:46,000 --> 00:00:49,527
Repeat, all inmates in D dorm must be checked for lice.
8
00:00:52,960 --> 00:00:55,008
I'll be out in a sec. I swear.
9
00:00:56,160 --> 00:00:59,209
I'll wait. There best be some hot water left.
10
00:00:59,400 --> 00:01:01,607
There wasn't very much when I started.
11
00:01:03,360 --> 00:01:05,328
Man, hurry!
12
00:01:05,400 --> 00:01:08,324
All right, okay, okay.
13
00:01:08,400 --> 00:01:10,482
I'm done. I'm out. I'm totally out.
14
00:01:10,560 --> 00:01:12,449
Damn, you got some nice titties.
15
00:01:13,560 --> 00:01:16,040
- Thank you.
- You got them TV titties.
16
00:01:16,120 --> 00:01:19,363
They stand up on they own all perky and everything.
17
00:01:19,440 --> 00:01:21,010
Okay.
18
00:01:22,640 --> 00:01:26,167
You know they sell flip-flops at the commissary.
19
00:01:26,720 --> 00:01:28,529
My money's not in yet, so.
20
00:01:28,600 --> 00:01:32,207
You creative. I give you that, high-tits.
21
00:01:33,480 --> 00:01:35,642
Now get the fuck out the way.
22
00:01:35,960 --> 00:01:37,007
Okay.
23
00:03:09,480 --> 00:03:11,562
So, there's an entire pig in there?
24
00:03:11,800 --> 00:03:12,801
Yes.
25
00:03:12,920 --> 00:03:14,365
For four of us?
26
00:03:14,720 --> 00:03:18,008
It's a small pig. I really wanted to use the box.
27
00:03:18,080 --> 00:03:19,525
It was my birthday present.
28
00:03:19,880 --> 00:03:23,282
She's guilty she's leaving. It's a guilt pig-roasting box.
29
00:03:23,400 --> 00:03:25,164
At least you get something.
30
00:03:25,240 --> 00:03:28,005
I'm not getting laid for a year, too, but what do I get?
31
00:03:28,600 --> 00:03:29,647
A baby?
32
00:03:29,760 --> 00:03:31,091
But you can't eat it.
33
00:03:32,760 --> 00:03:35,809
- Are we really gonna eat that?
-It's thematic.
34
00:03:35,880 --> 00:03:37,564
You're not serving time in Cuba.
35
00:03:37,880 --> 00:03:39,291
Pigs. Cops.
36
00:03:43,560 --> 00:03:45,767
How the fuck are you going to jail tomorrow?
37
00:03:46,440 --> 00:03:48,283
Prison, not jail.
38
00:03:49,520 --> 00:03:51,010
You're missing my shower.
39
00:03:51,720 --> 00:03:53,370
Polly, I'm really sorry.
40
00:03:54,720 --> 00:03:56,051
I know.
41
00:03:58,960 --> 00:04:02,169
You focus on how you're gonna
maintain your eyebrows behind bars.
42
00:04:02,760 --> 00:04:05,491
You may not come back with a unibrow.
43
00:04:07,800 --> 00:04:08,847
Am I allowed to cry?
44
00:04:08,920 --> 00:04:11,526
No. Seriously, no.
45
00:04:12,240 --> 00:04:16,802
Okay, we are ready. Everybody inside.
46
00:04:17,240 --> 00:04:18,446
- Need a hoist?
- Yeah.
47
00:04:18,520 --> 00:04:19,601
Big girl.
48
00:04:20,440 --> 00:04:22,249
On to the last supper.
49
00:04:25,360 --> 00:04:27,328
- We got to do it.
- I know.
50
00:04:28,800 --> 00:04:30,643
God, we really should not have eaten so much.
51
00:04:30,720 --> 00:04:33,246
I know. Come on, we gotta rally.
52
00:04:33,320 --> 00:04:34,401
Okay.
53
00:04:34,480 --> 00:04:37,689
- Make some memories, you know?
- Yeah.
54
00:04:37,800 --> 00:04:40,485
You need some spank-bank material.
55
00:04:40,840 --> 00:04:43,605
Oh, well, I mean, when you say it like that.
56
00:04:55,320 --> 00:04:57,527
- Wait, I got...
- What?
57
00:04:57,600 --> 00:04:59,728
- I gotta pee.
- What? No.
58
00:04:59,800 --> 00:05:00,847
- Yeah.
- Really?
59
00:05:00,920 --> 00:05:03,002
I just...
60
00:05:03,920 --> 00:05:06,491
I'll be... I'll be right back.
61
00:05:10,520 --> 00:05:11,681
Hey-
62
00:05:12,480 --> 00:05:13,527
Yeah?
63
00:05:14,760 --> 00:05:16,046
You look beautiful.
64
00:05:18,440 --> 00:05:19,646
Thanks.
65
00:05:32,720 --> 00:05:34,051
Oh, shit.
66
00:06:34,200 --> 00:06:35,326
What?
67
00:06:39,160 --> 00:06:41,128
You look beautiful, too.
68
00:06:46,520 --> 00:06:48,887
Come on. Get in.
69
00:07:10,440 --> 00:07:11,805
Hey. You're crying.
70
00:07:14,320 --> 00:07:15,481
Just fuck me.
71
00:07:15,600 --> 00:07:16,806
Piper.
72
00:07:16,920 --> 00:07:18,604
Shut up.
73
00:07:18,680 --> 00:07:21,923
Please. Please.
74
00:07:24,960 --> 00:07:26,200
Okay.
75
00:08:06,240 --> 00:08:07,480
No visiting today.
76
00:08:07,560 --> 00:08:10,962
Hi, I'm here to surrender.
77
00:08:11,040 --> 00:08:12,530
Oh, okay, then.
78
00:08:16,960 --> 00:08:18,610
Did he look surprised to you?
79
00:08:18,680 --> 00:08:21,286
When I said that I was here to surrender?
Didn't he look surprised?
80
00:08:21,360 --> 00:08:23,169
Like, "What the hell is she doing here?"
81
00:08:23,880 --> 00:08:26,884
- I didn't notice.
- Well, he looked surprised to me.
82
00:08:29,600 --> 00:08:33,730
I look like shit. My eyes are all puffy.
83
00:08:33,800 --> 00:08:34,881
You're worried about how you look?
84
00:08:34,960 --> 00:08:36,086
Well, they're gonna know that I was crying.
85
00:08:36,200 --> 00:08:37,850
It's a sign of weakness. You can't show any weakness.
86
00:08:37,920 --> 00:08:39,331
That's what all of the books said.
87
00:08:39,400 --> 00:08:40,526
Oh, sweetie...
88
00:08:40,600 --> 00:08:42,443
Don't call me sweetie.
89
00:08:42,520 --> 00:08:43,885
Oh, Leonard.
90
00:08:44,920 --> 00:08:46,570
That's better.
91
00:08:52,760 --> 00:08:54,762
I can't take it with me.
92
00:08:58,080 --> 00:09:00,082
Okay. Right.
93
00:09:03,080 --> 00:09:04,411
What are you doing?
94
00:09:04,520 --> 00:09:05,567
What?
95
00:09:05,640 --> 00:09:07,005
You can't put that in your pocket.
96
00:09:07,080 --> 00:09:09,048
It's gonna end up at the bottom of the washing machine.
97
00:09:09,120 --> 00:09:10,849
Okay.
98
00:09:10,920 --> 00:09:12,285
Where would you like me to put it then, Piper?
99
00:09:12,360 --> 00:09:13,771
Up your ass.
100
00:09:14,400 --> 00:09:17,165
There's no room. Apparently, my head's already up there.
101
00:09:18,040 --> 00:09:19,405
I'm sorry.
102
00:09:22,440 --> 00:09:23,566
It's okay.
103
00:09:26,760 --> 00:09:28,091
You know what?
104
00:09:29,280 --> 00:09:32,204
I'm gonna put it in my wallet. Okay?
105
00:09:32,640 --> 00:09:36,964
And when I get home, I will put it in your jewelry box.
106
00:09:37,800 --> 00:09:43,284
Until I'm short on rent, then I may hock it.
But I'll try to get it back before you're out.
107
00:09:49,640 --> 00:09:50,801
We should go.
108
00:09:51,440 --> 00:09:52,566
Okay.
109
00:09:56,160 --> 00:09:57,400
Okay.
110
00:09:58,640 --> 00:09:59,846
Self-surrender.
111
00:09:59,960 --> 00:10:01,769
Yeah, well, no one told me either.
112
00:10:01,840 --> 00:10:03,205
Available guards...
113
00:10:03,280 --> 00:10:05,169
Got the paperwork right here.
114
00:10:05,240 --> 00:10:07,208
Name is Chapman.
115
00:10:08,000 --> 00:10:13,370
Yeah. Chap, like when your lips get all dry they're chapped.
116
00:10:13,640 --> 00:10:14,641
Have a seat.
117
00:10:18,160 --> 00:10:20,162
Piper. Rhymes with sniper.
118
00:10:20,240 --> 00:10:22,971
Inmate Robinson to the visitor area.
119
00:10:26,760 --> 00:10:28,046
You hungry?
120
00:10:28,120 --> 00:10:29,281
Not really.
121
00:10:29,360 --> 00:10:31,089
Guard Thomson to the tower.
122
00:10:31,160 --> 00:10:32,366
Eat anyway.
123
00:10:32,840 --> 00:10:34,365
It's burrata.
124
00:10:35,760 --> 00:10:37,091
Thank you.
125
00:10:41,640 --> 00:10:45,565
My mother told her friends
I'm doing volunteer work in Africa.
126
00:10:47,520 --> 00:10:50,967
I bet they're all appalled that you've gone
somewhere so filthy and dangerous.
127
00:10:54,040 --> 00:10:58,523
So I never carried drugs. Just money.
128
00:10:59,360 --> 00:11:00,771
You were a lesbian?
129
00:11:01,440 --> 00:11:02,885
At the time.
130
00:11:03,880 --> 00:11:04,961
You still a lesbian?
131
00:11:05,560 --> 00:11:07,005
No, I'm not still a lesbian.
132
00:11:07,320 --> 00:11:08,401
You sure?
133
00:11:09,880 --> 00:11:14,090
I once kissed Mary Straley
when I was at Miss Porter's school.
134
00:11:14,160 --> 00:11:15,446
But it wasn't for me.
135
00:11:15,800 --> 00:11:16,847
Wow.
136
00:11:17,720 --> 00:11:18,801
Did you know about all this?
137
00:11:18,960 --> 00:11:22,362
No. No, no, I didn't.
138
00:11:24,000 --> 00:11:26,890
I mean, she told me how she traveled after college,
139
00:11:26,960 --> 00:11:29,167
but she failed to mention the lesbian lover
140
00:11:29,240 --> 00:11:31,129
who ran an international drug smuggling ring.
141
00:11:31,200 --> 00:11:32,850
Imagine my surprise.
142
00:11:33,880 --> 00:11:35,962
What on earth did you do with the money?
143
00:11:36,120 --> 00:11:38,964
Well, Grandmother, I wasn't really in it for the money.
144
00:11:39,760 --> 00:11:42,240
Oh, Piper, for heaven's sake!
145
00:11:47,080 --> 00:11:49,526
So this is my last post as a free woman.
146
00:11:49,600 --> 00:11:51,762
- What are you gonna write?
- Hey!
147
00:11:52,040 --> 00:11:54,247
Oh, no. You cannot have a phone in here.
148
00:11:54,400 --> 00:11:56,368
This is a federal facility. You have to take that out.
149
00:11:56,440 --> 00:11:58,761
Can I? Am I allowed to go out?
150
00:11:58,840 --> 00:11:59,887
He can take it out.
151
00:12:00,000 --> 00:12:02,401
So no phone?
152
00:12:02,480 --> 00:12:04,050
- You knew that.
- Now.
153
00:12:04,200 --> 00:12:06,009
Oh, my God, Larry, by the time I get out
154
00:12:06,120 --> 00:12:08,487
there'll have been, like, three new generations of iPhones.
155
00:12:08,560 --> 00:12:11,370
Sir, I can get an officer to escort you out.
156
00:12:11,440 --> 00:12:15,126
No, I'm going. It's okay, I'm going, okay?
I'll be right back, okay?
157
00:12:15,200 --> 00:12:18,249
I'll take the phone to the car, I'll be right back.
158
00:12:18,320 --> 00:12:19,560
Okay? Two seconds.
159
00:12:19,640 --> 00:12:21,130
- Yeah?
- Okay.
160
00:12:22,640 --> 00:12:24,085
Two seconds.
161
00:12:27,320 --> 00:12:28,560
- Chapman!
- Yes.
162
00:12:29,840 --> 00:12:32,889
Yes, that's me. But you have to wait.
163
00:12:32,960 --> 00:12:34,200
You're telling me what I have to do?
164
00:12:35,280 --> 00:12:37,169
Get your ass over here, Chapman, now. Move it.
165
00:12:37,280 --> 00:12:39,726
He's, he's gonna be right back.
We've been waiting here for two hours.
166
00:12:39,800 --> 00:12:41,165
And the wait is over.
167
00:12:41,280 --> 00:12:42,725
Here's your temporary ID,
168
00:12:42,800 --> 00:12:45,326
you'll stick this on your uniform
when we get to that. Now...
169
00:12:45,440 --> 00:12:47,408
- Here. I'm here. Here I am.
- Here he is.
170
00:12:47,480 --> 00:12:49,687
- Who's this?
- My fiancรฉ.
171
00:12:49,760 --> 00:12:50,966
Yeah? Good luck with that.
172
00:12:51,120 --> 00:12:52,246
Excuse me?
173
00:12:52,320 --> 00:12:54,049
- Any personal items?
- Here.
174
00:12:57,800 --> 00:12:59,040
You can't take this check.
175
00:12:59,120 --> 00:13:01,282
But we called last week. And they told me to bring it.
176
00:13:01,360 --> 00:13:04,091
He has to send it to Iowa. It takes a few weeks to process.
177
00:13:04,160 --> 00:13:06,686
A few weeks? Doesn't she need to buy things?
178
00:13:06,800 --> 00:13:07,847
How it is.
179
00:13:09,160 --> 00:13:10,321
Where do we send it?
180
00:13:10,640 --> 00:13:13,246
Hey, you got that Iowa address?
181
00:13:14,160 --> 00:13:17,243
Any Nudie Judies in here? Skin pics? Naughty stuff?
182
00:13:17,320 --> 00:13:19,641
No. No Nudie Judies.
183
00:13:20,160 --> 00:13:22,845
Time to say goodbye.
It might be a while till you can visit, fiancรฉ.
184
00:13:25,680 --> 00:13:27,842
- I love you so much.
- I love you, too!
185
00:13:28,480 --> 00:13:30,050
- I'll call you as soon as I can.
- Okay.
186
00:13:30,160 --> 00:13:32,322
Okay? Please send that check immediately.
187
00:13:32,480 --> 00:13:33,720
Okay. I will.
188
00:13:33,840 --> 00:13:36,127
I love you. Please keep my website updated.
189
00:13:36,200 --> 00:13:37,281
I love you so much.
190
00:13:39,720 --> 00:13:40,767
It's okay.
191
00:13:50,400 --> 00:13:51,765
It's okay.
192
00:14:03,640 --> 00:14:05,961
- What size shoe are you?
- Nine and a half, ten.
193
00:14:11,880 --> 00:14:13,325
These are kinda like Toms.
194
00:14:13,400 --> 00:14:16,165
- Who's Tom?
- Toms are shoes.
195
00:14:16,240 --> 00:14:19,403
When you buy a pair, the company
gives another to a child in need.
196
00:14:19,480 --> 00:14:21,960
They're great. And they come in
lots of different colors and...
197
00:14:22,040 --> 00:14:23,280
How nice.
198
00:14:25,280 --> 00:14:26,327
Strip.
199
00:14:48,920 --> 00:14:49,967
Get over here.
200
00:15:02,960 --> 00:15:04,291
Come here.
201
00:15:17,240 --> 00:15:19,129
Are you gonna miss me?
202
00:15:20,000 --> 00:15:21,331
Yes.
203
00:15:24,480 --> 00:15:25,481
Too much.
204
00:15:28,960 --> 00:15:30,086
Come with me.
205
00:15:30,800 --> 00:15:32,086
What?
206
00:15:33,000 --> 00:15:34,490
Come to Bali.
207
00:15:36,120 --> 00:15:38,122
Come with me. I mean it. I'll buy you a plane ticket.
208
00:15:42,000 --> 00:15:43,206
Are you serious?
209
00:15:45,760 --> 00:15:47,000
Yes.
210
00:15:50,120 --> 00:15:54,808
Come with me. Quit your job. Come with me.
211
00:15:55,720 --> 00:16:00,044
Well, I'd have to give notice.
212
00:16:00,120 --> 00:16:02,566
You're a fucking waitress. You don't need to give a notice.
213
00:16:03,680 --> 00:16:05,364
Will I get in trouble?
214
00:16:05,440 --> 00:16:06,521
God, I hope so.
215
00:16:11,160 --> 00:16:13,288
You know what I mean.
216
00:16:13,360 --> 00:16:15,203
You don't have to do anything.
217
00:16:16,040 --> 00:16:19,522
You're just there to keep me company, all right?
218
00:16:23,200 --> 00:16:24,690
Come on, babe. I want you to come.
219
00:16:25,440 --> 00:16:26,646
And I want you to come.
220
00:16:30,560 --> 00:16:32,403
Yes? Is that a yes?
221
00:16:32,520 --> 00:16:33,806
Yes.
222
00:16:35,480 --> 00:16:36,720
Yes.
223
00:16:37,160 --> 00:16:38,685
Open your mouth, stick out your tongue.
224
00:16:39,040 --> 00:16:41,042
Inmates, an updated facility rules with
225
00:16:41,120 --> 00:16:42,929
inmate discipline list is posted in the day room.
226
00:16:45,080 --> 00:16:46,206
Lift up your arms.
227
00:16:49,160 --> 00:16:50,446
Turn around.
228
00:16:54,120 --> 00:16:55,246
Squat
229
00:16:58,560 --> 00:17:00,244
Spread your cheeks and cough.
230
00:17:02,560 --> 00:17:03,766
Seriously?
231
00:17:16,760 --> 00:17:17,966
That it?
232
00:17:18,040 --> 00:17:19,724
One more coming, hold on.
233
00:17:25,120 --> 00:17:26,360
My zipper's broken.
234
00:17:29,200 --> 00:17:30,361
First time down?
235
00:17:30,440 --> 00:17:31,646
My first time here?
236
00:17:32,200 --> 00:17:34,407
Oh, no, your first time in prison?
237
00:17:34,480 --> 00:17:36,801
Oh, yeah.
238
00:17:36,880 --> 00:17:39,804
It's not so bad. Everyone's okay.
239
00:17:39,880 --> 00:17:41,928
You've gotta watch out for the stealing.
240
00:17:44,200 --> 00:17:48,205
So, what's your name? Your last name.
Everyone uses last names here.
241
00:17:48,280 --> 00:17:50,965
I'm Morello and that is Watson.
242
00:17:52,360 --> 00:17:53,407
Chapman.
243
00:17:53,520 --> 00:17:55,409
And how much time you got, Chapman?
244
00:17:56,800 --> 00:17:57,801
Fifteen months.
245
00:17:57,920 --> 00:18:03,051
Oh, that's not so bad. I got 34,
but I'm hoping with good time it'll be less.
246
00:18:03,120 --> 00:18:07,444
You... So you're a... They let you drive?
247
00:18:07,520 --> 00:18:11,844
Well, who else is gonna do it? We do everything around here.
248
00:18:13,080 --> 00:18:16,562
Hey, can I ask you something? You look like you'd know.
249
00:18:16,640 --> 00:18:18,290
All right, which dress you like better?
250
00:18:18,360 --> 00:18:22,046
My top two faves are the ones with
the half-and-half lids stuck to the pages.
251
00:18:22,160 --> 00:18:25,687
See, I want something that's gonna express my personality.
252
00:18:25,760 --> 00:18:29,162
And the trick is, I wanna show off the boobs and the ass,
253
00:18:29,240 --> 00:18:32,005
but I'm not so happy with the upper arms and the stomach,
254
00:18:32,080 --> 00:18:33,889
so there's the challenge.
255
00:18:37,000 --> 00:18:38,001
Both nice.
256
00:18:39,040 --> 00:18:40,326
That's all you've gotta say?
257
00:18:43,040 --> 00:18:46,249
I gotta look good. My first dance is gonna go on YouTube.
258
00:18:46,320 --> 00:18:49,369
Look! I found a rock that looks like a penis with one ball.
259
00:18:49,480 --> 00:18:51,687
- No.
-It's my Lance Armstrong rock.
260
00:18:52,160 --> 00:18:55,528
Hold it up. Let me see, let me see. Nice.
261
00:18:55,600 --> 00:18:57,364
Okay, now lick it, softly and tenderly,
262
00:18:57,440 --> 00:18:58,805
like you would've when you thought he was clean.
263
00:18:58,880 --> 00:19:00,245
Oh, Jesus! Shut that thing off.
264
00:19:00,360 --> 00:19:02,408
You're making a huge mistake. This could go viral.
265
00:19:02,560 --> 00:19:03,641
Seriously, shut it off.
266
00:19:03,760 --> 00:19:05,603
- What?
- I'm so fat from all the stress-eating.
267
00:19:05,680 --> 00:19:08,251
I really don't want a record of it.
268
00:19:10,120 --> 00:19:12,441
You know, that's one thing I'm gonna do in prison.
269
00:19:12,520 --> 00:19:14,682
Rm gonna get ripped.
270
00:19:15,560 --> 00:19:17,403
Like Jackie Warner ripped.
271
00:19:18,080 --> 00:19:21,129
And I'm gonna read everything on my Amazon wish list.
272
00:19:21,200 --> 00:19:25,569
And maybe even learn a craft, you know? I could be crafty.
273
00:19:25,640 --> 00:19:27,244
I'm gonna make it count, Larry.
274
00:19:27,320 --> 00:19:32,201
I'm not gonna throw away a year of my life.
What the hell are you looking for?
275
00:19:38,360 --> 00:19:39,805
Oh, no!
276
00:19:39,880 --> 00:19:40,927
What is that?
277
00:19:41,040 --> 00:19:42,644
Piper...
278
00:19:42,720 --> 00:19:44,529
Oh, Jesus, Larry. Why would you want...
279
00:19:44,680 --> 00:19:49,402
Why would I want a felonious, former lesbian, WASP-shiksa
280
00:19:49,480 --> 00:19:51,005
who's about to go to prison, to marry me?
281
00:19:51,080 --> 00:19:53,162
Yes. And all of the stress-eating?
282
00:19:54,080 --> 00:19:57,926
Well, because this peculiar,
283
00:19:59,120 --> 00:20:02,920
underachieving, underemployed Jew-boy loves her.
284
00:20:04,840 --> 00:20:08,128
And knows that he will never be bored,
285
00:20:08,880 --> 00:20:14,489
and can't believe how lucky he is that he met her.
286
00:20:17,440 --> 00:20:20,523
I gotta lock this shit down before you leave, Pipes.
287
00:20:23,360 --> 00:20:24,725
I love you.
288
00:20:26,200 --> 00:20:27,440
You wanna marry me?
289
00:20:28,120 --> 00:20:29,565
When I get out, right?
290
00:20:29,640 --> 00:20:31,324
Whenever you want.
291
00:20:32,280 --> 00:20:33,611
I'll be so ripped.
292
00:20:35,640 --> 00:20:39,690
You could wear a wedding dress
that's like a half-shirt, you know?
293
00:20:39,800 --> 00:20:41,450
Show off those abs.
294
00:20:41,520 --> 00:20:43,010
Yeah!
295
00:20:48,640 --> 00:20:50,449
Was it your grandmother's?
296
00:20:50,640 --> 00:20:53,211
No, my mom's saving that one for my sister.
297
00:20:53,280 --> 00:20:55,760
This is my great-aunt Marcia's.
298
00:20:55,840 --> 00:20:57,365
She had thyroid cancer
299
00:20:57,440 --> 00:21:00,603
and a series of schnauzers,
all named Schnapps. That's all I know.
300
00:21:02,200 --> 00:21:05,283
Put it on. I had it sized. Good.
301
00:21:10,520 --> 00:21:11,806
It's beautiful.
302
00:21:11,880 --> 00:21:13,530
And that's a "yes," right?
303
00:21:13,640 --> 00:21:14,846
Yes.
304
00:21:15,400 --> 00:21:16,481
Yeah.
305
00:21:17,160 --> 00:21:19,766
Will you say that just one more time for me?
306
00:21:19,880 --> 00:21:22,850
But, this time, just into the camera, okay?
307
00:21:22,920 --> 00:21:25,366
Oh, you asshole!
308
00:21:25,440 --> 00:21:27,329
- Come on, I had to capture the moment.
- Shit. Turn it off!
309
00:21:27,400 --> 00:21:29,164
- What?
- Give me that!
310
00:21:31,680 --> 00:21:33,967
Oh, you're cold. Come here.
311
00:21:34,040 --> 00:21:36,088
Bounce your legs up and down. It keeps your feet warm.
312
00:21:36,160 --> 00:21:37,321
Thanks.
313
00:21:38,680 --> 00:21:41,206
You think your man is still gonna be around when you're out?
314
00:21:41,320 --> 00:21:43,687
Yeah, he'll be there. I'm the love of his life.
315
00:21:45,480 --> 00:21:47,482
Thirty-four months is a long time.
316
00:21:48,360 --> 00:21:50,283
Yeah, but she's the love of his life!
317
00:21:51,120 --> 00:21:53,407
And who the fuck asked you?
318
00:21:53,480 --> 00:21:54,561
Head on up.
319
00:21:54,680 --> 00:21:56,250
All the gates open to one and two.
320
00:21:56,320 --> 00:21:59,608
All right, so his tie is gonna match
the bridesmaids' dresses.
321
00:21:59,680 --> 00:22:01,045
There's six bridesmaids.
322
00:22:01,120 --> 00:22:03,168
My cousin's being a bitch,
so I'm thinking about dropping her.
323
00:22:12,160 --> 00:22:13,924
All right, let's go.
324
00:22:39,040 --> 00:22:40,087
Hello, Miss Claudette.
325
00:22:40,200 --> 00:22:41,690
Morello.
326
00:22:44,680 --> 00:22:45,966
Watch out for that one.
327
00:22:46,040 --> 00:22:49,840
Don't get me wrong, she's a good lady,
but you don't wanna get on her bad side.
328
00:22:50,560 --> 00:22:52,244
Go ahead. Go.
329
00:22:55,080 --> 00:22:57,890
Okay, I'm gonna send you all through to processing,
330
00:22:57,960 --> 00:22:59,325
you'll get your room assignments,
331
00:22:59,440 --> 00:23:02,569
and I'll meet you back here and show you your bunks. Okay?
332
00:23:02,640 --> 00:23:05,086
Don't look so bummed. Gonna get the wrinkles.
333
00:23:05,440 --> 00:23:07,966
All right, raise your head and look at the lens.
334
00:23:09,320 --> 00:23:11,049
Oh, crap!
335
00:23:11,440 --> 00:23:14,125
New guy, what's your name, Bennett?
336
00:23:14,880 --> 00:23:17,201
Bennett, it's not fucking working again.
337
00:23:17,280 --> 00:23:19,601
- You turn it on?
- Yeah, I turned it on.
338
00:23:23,440 --> 00:23:26,922
Wait, I think I got it. Ready?
339
00:23:27,000 --> 00:23:28,331
Yeah. Yep.
340
00:23:29,840 --> 00:23:31,569
Wait, no.
341
00:23:31,680 --> 00:23:33,648
- What does this button do?
- No! Don't touch that.
342
00:23:34,400 --> 00:23:35,970
Sorry, princess.
343
00:23:36,920 --> 00:23:38,081
There's a cord right there.
344
00:23:38,160 --> 00:23:40,970
Do you think that that needs to be connected to something?
345
00:23:42,280 --> 00:23:43,884
Shut your mouth and stand still.
346
00:23:48,120 --> 00:23:50,009
- She's right.
- Okay, fine.
347
00:23:50,080 --> 00:23:51,241
Got it.
348
00:23:51,320 --> 00:23:52,481
I wasn't ready.
349
00:23:52,560 --> 00:23:54,483
Tough shit. Next.
350
00:23:54,600 --> 00:23:58,400
This is a TB test. Nice veins.
351
00:23:58,480 --> 00:24:00,323
- No track marks.
- Thanks.
352
00:24:00,400 --> 00:24:02,129
Tattoos?
353
00:24:02,200 --> 00:24:03,486
Oh, yeah.
354
00:24:05,320 --> 00:24:07,084
Oh, a fish. You like fish?
355
00:24:09,000 --> 00:24:13,608
Saw it on a scuba diving trip. Thought it was beautiful.
356
00:24:13,720 --> 00:24:18,851
I don't like fish. I like pork, chicken.
But it's a pretty fish.
357
00:24:20,160 --> 00:24:21,571
Thanks.
358
00:24:21,640 --> 00:24:23,085
It's gonna rub off when I sweat.
359
00:24:23,160 --> 00:24:26,209
No, it won't. It's waterproof. Stop.
360
00:24:28,440 --> 00:24:32,081
So, when this dries, you should be good to go.
361
00:24:33,840 --> 00:24:35,171
How am I gonna get it off?
362
00:24:35,240 --> 00:24:36,366
Acetone.
363
00:24:38,360 --> 00:24:40,567
Great. Alex, I don't, I don't know if I can...
364
00:24:40,640 --> 00:24:42,130
Hey-
365
00:24:42,200 --> 00:24:43,690
Hey, hey, hey-
366
00:24:49,600 --> 00:24:53,161
You are a nice blonde lady, aren't you?
367
00:24:55,800 --> 00:24:57,529
A proper young lady.
368
00:24:59,160 --> 00:25:02,209
Just picking up her sensible bag in the baggage claim
369
00:25:02,880 --> 00:25:06,282
before heading off to her mid-range hotel
to go over her schedules.
370
00:25:06,400 --> 00:25:08,721
Museum visits and fancy dinners.
371
00:25:15,960 --> 00:25:19,567
It's all fine. It's all good.
372
00:25:20,720 --> 00:25:24,406
And I will meet you in Brussels,
and everything will work out perfectly, babe.
373
00:25:24,480 --> 00:25:25,766
I promise.
374
00:25:27,920 --> 00:25:29,763
It's all gonna be okay.
375
00:25:31,240 --> 00:25:32,241
Are you okay?
376
00:25:33,240 --> 00:25:35,561
Fine. I guess.
377
00:25:38,640 --> 00:25:40,165
What's PoPi?
378
00:25:40,240 --> 00:25:41,480
Poppy-
379
00:25:43,120 --> 00:25:46,727
It's a bath products line I'd started with my friend, Polly.
380
00:25:46,800 --> 00:25:51,044
Polly and Piper. PoPi. We're gonna be in Barneys.
381
00:25:51,720 --> 00:25:52,721
Barneys?
382
00:25:53,600 --> 00:25:54,931
It's a nice store.
383
00:25:57,080 --> 00:26:00,687
It's a pretty big case. Criminal conspiracy.
384
00:26:00,760 --> 00:26:03,366
That's what they charged me with.
385
00:26:03,440 --> 00:26:06,011
I carried a suitcase of money.
386
00:26:06,080 --> 00:26:08,731
Drug money. Once.
387
00:26:09,760 --> 00:26:11,046
Ten years ago.
388
00:26:11,120 --> 00:26:12,804
What's the statute of limitations on that?
389
00:26:14,800 --> 00:26:16,006
Twelve years.
390
00:26:17,000 --> 00:26:18,365
That's tough.
391
00:26:18,440 --> 00:26:19,646
Well,
392
00:26:21,240 --> 00:26:27,122
I did it, that one time, 10 years ago.
393
00:26:27,480 --> 00:26:28,641
What did your lawyer say?
394
00:26:28,760 --> 00:26:31,161
He said with the mandatory minimums with drug crimes,
395
00:26:31,240 --> 00:26:33,971
he wouldn't recommend risking a trial. So, I pleaded out.
396
00:26:34,280 --> 00:26:35,406
And here you are.
397
00:26:36,120 --> 00:26:37,121
Here I am.
398
00:26:37,960 --> 00:26:41,885
Costing the tax payers money and sweating in my armchair.
399
00:26:42,400 --> 00:26:44,801
You know, I've been here for 22 years,
400
00:26:44,880 --> 00:26:48,202
and I still can't figure out how the system works.
401
00:26:48,840 --> 00:26:51,241
I got a crack dealer who is doing nine months,
402
00:26:51,320 --> 00:26:56,121
and then I have a lady
who accidentally backed into a mailman
403
00:26:56,200 --> 00:26:58,248
who is doing four years.
404
00:26:58,320 --> 00:27:00,561
I mean, the guy broke his collar bone, but come on.
405
00:27:00,680 --> 00:27:02,444
I just don't get it.
406
00:27:04,880 --> 00:27:06,962
Are you gonna barf?
407
00:27:07,040 --> 00:27:09,611
Tell me if you're gonna barf.
Because there's a can behind you.
408
00:27:09,680 --> 00:27:11,330
I won't barf.
409
00:27:11,440 --> 00:27:14,410
I will be truly displeased if you barf
anywhere but in that can.
410
00:27:15,320 --> 00:27:16,765
Not gonna barf.
411
00:27:18,880 --> 00:27:20,370
Miss Chapman,
412
00:27:21,840 --> 00:27:25,845
no one's gonna mess with you here unless you let them.
413
00:27:26,840 --> 00:27:28,649
This isn't Oz.
414
00:27:28,840 --> 00:27:31,161
Women fight with gossip and rumors.
415
00:27:31,720 --> 00:27:36,408
They might peg you for rich
and try to hit you up for commissary.
416
00:27:38,000 --> 00:27:39,365
And there are lesbians.
417
00:27:40,920 --> 00:27:42,365
They're not gonna bother you.
418
00:27:42,440 --> 00:27:45,922
They'll try to be your friend, just stay away from them.
419
00:27:46,880 --> 00:27:53,411
I want you to understand,
you do not have to have lesbian sex.
420
00:27:59,560 --> 00:28:01,244
I have a fiancรฉ.
421
00:28:02,760 --> 00:28:03,966
His name is Larry.
422
00:28:04,040 --> 00:28:05,565
He's a writer.
423
00:28:07,400 --> 00:28:08,686
Can he come visit me?
424
00:28:08,760 --> 00:28:11,047
- Is he in here?
- Yes. Everybody's in there.
425
00:28:11,120 --> 00:28:14,249
All the people in the PSI are cleared to visit.
426
00:28:14,320 --> 00:28:15,560
He can come this weekend.
427
00:28:16,480 --> 00:28:20,087
- I'll make sure the list is in the visiting room.
- Thank you so much, Mr. Healy.
428
00:28:21,360 --> 00:28:25,081
You just keep to yourself. And you'll be fine.
429
00:28:25,200 --> 00:28:26,611
And don't make friends.
430
00:28:27,760 --> 00:28:33,164
And remember, nothing goes on here that I don't know about.
431
00:28:33,440 --> 00:28:36,649
You know everything about me! I tell you everything!
432
00:28:37,600 --> 00:28:40,171
The webcam horror, the penis shaving incident.
433
00:28:40,280 --> 00:28:41,611
How do I not know this?
434
00:28:41,720 --> 00:28:44,087
What was I supposed to say? It was...
435
00:28:44,880 --> 00:28:46,120
It was a phase.
436
00:28:46,200 --> 00:28:50,728
It was my lost-soul, post-college adventure phase.
437
00:28:52,440 --> 00:28:56,650
I was so embarrassed. I can't believe that she did this.
438
00:28:56,760 --> 00:28:58,524
I can't believe you did this.
439
00:28:59,280 --> 00:29:00,520
I mean, who are you?
440
00:29:00,600 --> 00:29:03,888
I feel like I'm in a Bourne movie. Have you killed?
441
00:29:06,280 --> 00:29:09,363
Oh, Jesus. Oh, no. Baby. Stop. Stop, stop.
442
00:29:09,560 --> 00:29:10,846
Come on. Come on.
443
00:29:12,600 --> 00:29:13,681
Okay.
444
00:29:13,760 --> 00:29:15,444
You should break up with me.
445
00:29:15,520 --> 00:29:17,921
- What?
- You didn't sign up for this.
446
00:29:18,000 --> 00:29:21,800
Okay, stop it. Stop it. Come on. It's okay.
447
00:29:22,120 --> 00:29:24,851
Okay?
448
00:29:27,960 --> 00:29:30,725
"Witness states, Piper Chapman carried drug money.
449
00:29:30,800 --> 00:29:32,882
"Piper Chapman was part of the ring."
450
00:29:33,000 --> 00:29:34,240
Were you?
451
00:29:35,520 --> 00:29:36,965
I was 22.
452
00:29:38,000 --> 00:29:40,241
I thought that I was in love.
453
00:29:40,960 --> 00:29:42,610
I was in love.
454
00:29:42,680 --> 00:29:44,921
And it was all crazy.
455
00:29:45,000 --> 00:29:49,289
And then it got scary,
456
00:29:49,360 --> 00:29:50,885
and I ran away,
457
00:29:50,960 --> 00:29:54,726
and I became the nice blonde lady that I was supposed to be.
458
00:29:54,880 --> 00:30:00,011
I knew that she wasn't a good person, but fuck her!
459
00:30:01,800 --> 00:30:05,486
Fuck her! This is not gonna be okay.
460
00:30:07,000 --> 00:30:08,331
- No.
- No.
461
00:30:08,480 --> 00:30:09,766
It's not.
462
00:30:15,360 --> 00:30:18,409
But we'll deal with it, okay?
463
00:30:21,120 --> 00:30:22,884
We'll figure it out.
464
00:30:23,680 --> 00:30:24,920
Have you called a lawyer?
465
00:30:26,040 --> 00:30:27,769
- No.
- I'll call my dad.
466
00:30:27,880 --> 00:30:30,326
No! No. Please don't call your dad. He already hates me.
467
00:30:30,400 --> 00:30:33,688
Yeah, well, I love you.
468
00:30:33,760 --> 00:30:39,563
And, and he loves me, so, here we go.
469
00:30:40,200 --> 00:30:42,248
All right, we gotta hustle, 'cause the count's soon.
470
00:30:42,360 --> 00:30:44,761
Rooms are there. Dorms are down there.
471
00:30:44,840 --> 00:30:46,808
Now, you are not allowed down there.
472
00:30:46,880 --> 00:30:48,962
It's out of bounds for you guys
until you get assigned there.
473
00:30:49,040 --> 00:30:50,690
You understand?
474
00:30:50,760 --> 00:30:52,364
Namaste, Jones!
475
00:30:53,560 --> 00:30:57,565
She teaches yoga if you ever want.
And she's good. She's very spiritual.
476
00:30:57,640 --> 00:30:59,483
All right, we got some offices here.
477
00:30:59,560 --> 00:31:02,643
This is the dining hall, common room, counselor's office.
478
00:31:02,720 --> 00:31:04,290
Who you got for a counselor?
479
00:31:04,360 --> 00:31:05,691
Healy.
480
00:31:05,800 --> 00:31:07,006
Okay. Yeah.
481
00:31:07,080 --> 00:31:08,161
What?
482
00:31:08,240 --> 00:31:10,925
Nah, it's fine. It's fine.
He does his paperwork. That's a good thing.
483
00:31:12,200 --> 00:31:14,123
When do we get outfits like everybody?
484
00:31:14,200 --> 00:31:16,680
I don't know. Maybe tomorrow after breakfast.
485
00:31:16,760 --> 00:31:19,001
You go down, you speak to the lady...
486
00:31:20,960 --> 00:31:22,086
What the fuck?
487
00:31:23,400 --> 00:31:24,447
Friend of yours?
488
00:31:25,440 --> 00:31:27,920
No. It's my mom.
489
00:31:28,920 --> 00:31:32,561
All right, Chapman, Diaz, this is you.
490
00:31:32,640 --> 00:31:36,440
DeMarco, this is Chapman. She's new.
Self-surrender. You show her what's what?
491
00:31:36,520 --> 00:31:37,726
Sure.
492
00:31:37,800 --> 00:31:41,282
Okay, Mendoza, this is Diaz. Go, go. She'll help you.
493
00:31:44,120 --> 00:31:45,610
I don't speak Spanish.
494
00:31:46,600 --> 00:31:48,409
Great. Another fucking coconut.
495
00:31:48,480 --> 00:31:50,608
What's the matter with your mother,
she don't teach you Spanish?
496
00:31:53,240 --> 00:31:57,484
Here. Here's some tissues. First night's always hard.
497
00:31:58,160 --> 00:32:01,846
And a toothbrush. They don't give you one.
498
00:32:02,920 --> 00:32:05,082
Thank you. Thank you so much. Thank you for everything.
499
00:32:05,160 --> 00:32:07,891
No, no. It's no problem. We look out for our own.
500
00:32:09,320 --> 00:32:10,446
Our own?
501
00:32:10,520 --> 00:32:14,650
Oh, don't get all PC on me.
It's tribal, not racist. I'll see you around.
502
00:32:21,480 --> 00:32:22,527
Tell me your name again?
503
00:32:22,640 --> 00:32:25,644
Piper. Chapman.
504
00:32:26,160 --> 00:32:27,286
That's Miss Rosa.
505
00:32:28,520 --> 00:32:31,967
And that's Nichols. Just got out of SHU a week ago.
506
00:32:32,040 --> 00:32:37,524
Told a CO to kiss her ass. Dumb.
Why make trouble for yourself, you know?
507
00:32:37,640 --> 00:32:39,369
SHU. That's solitary?
508
00:32:39,440 --> 00:32:42,523
Yep. And you don't want it, honey. Trust me.
509
00:32:43,080 --> 00:32:45,481
Here's some toilet paper. You gotta take it with you.
510
00:32:46,400 --> 00:32:48,641
Thanks. What's that thing?
511
00:32:50,360 --> 00:32:53,921
Oh, that's my machine. I need it at night.
512
00:32:54,000 --> 00:32:55,968
When I first got here, I had a massive heart attack.
513
00:32:57,680 --> 00:32:58,761
Do you know about the count?
514
00:32:58,840 --> 00:33:00,524
Wait, can you go back to the heart attack?
515
00:33:00,600 --> 00:33:01,726
I don't like to dwell.
516
00:33:01,880 --> 00:33:03,882
How do I make a phone call?
517
00:33:04,040 --> 00:33:08,250
You need a PAC number. Fill out a form. Whole rigmarole.
518
00:33:08,320 --> 00:33:11,005
But maybe Caputo will let you make a call later.
519
00:33:11,080 --> 00:33:13,048
It helps if you cry.
520
00:33:16,720 --> 00:33:17,846
Don't make your bed!
521
00:33:17,920 --> 00:33:18,921
What?
522
00:33:19,040 --> 00:33:20,451
We'll make it for you.
523
00:33:20,560 --> 00:33:22,130
Oh, no, that's okay. You don't need to do that.
524
00:33:22,320 --> 00:33:28,726
Honey! We'll make the bed. We know how.
525
00:33:29,720 --> 00:33:30,846
I know how to make a bed.
526
00:33:30,920 --> 00:33:33,241
We know how to do it so we'll pass inspection.
527
00:33:33,320 --> 00:33:37,405
You can help clean. We clean everything with Maxi Pads.
528
00:33:37,920 --> 00:33:38,967
Seriously?
529
00:33:39,160 --> 00:33:41,561
Yep. It's a head-scratcher, but that's what we got.
530
00:33:42,280 --> 00:33:44,328
So, we make our beds in the morning before they...
531
00:33:44,400 --> 00:33:48,200
No. You sleep on top of the bed. With a blanket over you.
532
00:33:48,760 --> 00:33:50,330
What if I want to sleep in the bed?
533
00:33:50,400 --> 00:33:52,607
Look, you can do what you want,
534
00:33:52,680 --> 00:33:55,843
but you will be the only one
in this entire prison that does.
535
00:33:55,920 --> 00:33:58,730
You want that? Be my guest.
536
00:33:58,800 --> 00:34:01,770
Count time! Count time! Count time, ladies!
537
00:34:02,120 --> 00:34:05,010
That light comes on, you need to be
where you're supposed to be,
538
00:34:05,080 --> 00:34:08,641
and you don't move until it goes off. Dinner's after.
539
00:34:09,760 --> 00:34:11,808
Hey, Blanca. You speak Spanish?
540
00:34:16,080 --> 00:34:19,527
You see, fucking white girl speaks Spanish.
541
00:34:34,440 --> 00:34:35,441
So?
542
00:34:35,680 --> 00:34:36,966
Wait.
543
00:34:48,520 --> 00:34:49,806
Dinner's at 4:30?
544
00:34:49,920 --> 00:34:51,763
Recount, ladies!
545
00:34:53,760 --> 00:34:57,003
- They always screw it up.
- How hard is it to fucking count?
546
00:34:57,080 --> 00:34:58,969
Nicky, this is...
547
00:34:59,120 --> 00:35:00,531
Piper. Chapman.
548
00:35:01,640 --> 00:35:03,529
Look at you, blondie. What'd you do?
549
00:35:03,640 --> 00:35:06,325
Aren't you not supposed to ask that question?
550
00:35:06,400 --> 00:35:08,084
I read that you're not supposed to ask that.
551
00:35:08,840 --> 00:35:10,330
You read that?
552
00:35:11,120 --> 00:35:13,122
What, you studied for prison?
553
00:35:22,760 --> 00:35:23,761
What did you do?
554
00:35:23,840 --> 00:35:25,444
I can't understand your French.
555
00:35:25,640 --> 00:35:28,405
Mon bag! Bag!
556
00:35:28,520 --> 00:35:29,931
My bag hasn't arrived.
557
00:35:30,080 --> 00:35:32,924
The bags do not make it onto the right flight sometime.
558
00:35:33,000 --> 00:35:36,846
Wait for the next shuttle from Paris.
It's probably on that plane.
559
00:36:03,040 --> 00:36:04,804
Mon bag!
560
00:36:04,880 --> 00:36:05,927
My bag.
561
00:36:22,760 --> 00:36:25,604
Welcome to Belgium. All good?
562
00:36:27,240 --> 00:36:29,083
I was starting to worry. Where did you come from?
563
00:36:29,240 --> 00:36:30,241
Over there.
564
00:36:31,320 --> 00:36:32,526
You didn't go through customs?
565
00:36:32,680 --> 00:36:35,047
No, I just walked out of that door
and it brought me right here.
566
00:36:35,120 --> 00:36:39,205
You skipped customs? Holy shit! It's genius.
567
00:36:39,320 --> 00:36:41,926
- Well, should I go back?
- Fuck, no. We're going to the hotel.
568
00:36:42,000 --> 00:36:44,207
I'm gonna eat you for dinner.
569
00:36:45,320 --> 00:36:48,244
Alex, I was so freaked out when
the bag didn't show up, I almost bailed.
570
00:36:48,400 --> 00:36:51,404
Well, it's good thing you didn't.
There's over 50 grand in that bag.
571
00:36:51,520 --> 00:36:53,841
Kubra would have had you killed. Come on.
572
00:36:55,560 --> 00:36:57,483
Keep moving. You're blocking up the works.
573
00:37:06,280 --> 00:37:08,886
Okay, go sit there. She's a nice white lady.
574
00:37:10,680 --> 00:37:11,681
Thanks.
575
00:37:22,320 --> 00:37:23,481
Hi.
576
00:37:25,120 --> 00:37:26,326
It's okay if I sit here?
577
00:37:26,960 --> 00:37:28,166
Sure, newbie.
578
00:37:30,120 --> 00:37:31,246
I'm Jones.
579
00:37:31,920 --> 00:37:33,081
Chapman.
580
00:37:34,280 --> 00:37:35,770
You doing okay, Chapman?
581
00:37:36,480 --> 00:37:38,847
I don't really know how to answer that question.
582
00:37:40,240 --> 00:37:42,607
Everything's pretty surreal right now.
583
00:37:45,760 --> 00:37:47,728
Do you know what a mandala is?
584
00:37:49,360 --> 00:37:51,681
Those are those round Buddhist art things.
585
00:37:51,880 --> 00:37:55,726
The Tibetan monks make them out of dyed sand
586
00:37:55,800 --> 00:37:59,327
laid out into big, beautiful designs.
587
00:37:59,640 --> 00:38:03,406
And when they're done, after days or weeks of work,
588
00:38:03,480 --> 00:38:05,482
they wipe it all away.
589
00:38:07,000 --> 00:38:10,004
Wow. That's a lot.
590
00:38:10,440 --> 00:38:14,445
Try to look at your experience here as a mandala, Chapman.
591
00:38:15,720 --> 00:38:20,726
Work hard to make something
as meaningful and beautiful as you can.
592
00:38:20,800 --> 00:38:24,521
And when you're done, pack it in
and know it was all temporary.
593
00:38:25,120 --> 00:38:29,489
You have to remember that. It's all temporary.
594
00:38:30,880 --> 00:38:32,689
It's all temporary.
595
00:38:33,840 --> 00:38:39,290
I'm telling you. Surviving here is all about perspective.
596
00:38:42,360 --> 00:38:43,600
Don't eat the pudding.
597
00:38:43,680 --> 00:38:45,682
What's the perspective on the pudding?
598
00:38:45,800 --> 00:38:47,962
It comes in big cans marked "Desert Storm."
599
00:38:48,880 --> 00:38:53,044
Sometimes the kitchen has to scrape
the mold off the top before they serve it.
600
00:38:53,640 --> 00:38:54,880
Hi, there.
601
00:38:55,560 --> 00:38:58,325
Hi, Sister. This is Chapman.
602
00:38:58,960 --> 00:39:00,121
Sister? As in nun?
603
00:39:01,040 --> 00:39:02,724
Yep. A killer nun.
604
00:39:03,520 --> 00:39:05,568
Now, stop it. She doesn't know you're joking.
605
00:39:05,640 --> 00:39:09,406
She chained herself to a flagpole at a nuclear test site.
606
00:39:13,720 --> 00:39:15,131
Amen.
607
00:39:15,200 --> 00:39:18,727
So. Now, Chapman, what's your story?
608
00:39:19,480 --> 00:39:21,562
I chained myself to a drug dealer.
609
00:39:23,640 --> 00:39:27,087
Piper, you can't be taking advice from a nun and a hippie.
610
00:39:27,320 --> 00:39:31,803
By all means, seek out the supreme wisdom
of the junkie philosopher.
611
00:39:32,240 --> 00:39:33,446
I pray for you, Nicky.
612
00:39:34,240 --> 00:39:36,766
I pray for you, too, Sister.
613
00:39:36,840 --> 00:39:40,322
I lust after you, Yoga Jones, those sinewy arms.
614
00:39:41,680 --> 00:39:43,125
You gotta love a yoga body.
615
00:39:43,240 --> 00:39:45,766
You should come to class. Watch me Chaturanga.
616
00:39:46,000 --> 00:39:49,641
That whole common room smells like farts.
It kind of takes away the magic for me.
617
00:39:50,040 --> 00:39:51,246
You like pussy, Piper?
618
00:39:51,680 --> 00:39:53,967
Or you prefer pipe as your name suggests?
619
00:39:54,040 --> 00:39:56,361
I'm feeling some Sapphic vibes coming off you.
620
00:39:56,440 --> 00:39:57,851
Oh, leave her alone.
621
00:39:59,400 --> 00:40:00,526
Come on, Sister.
622
00:40:00,600 --> 00:40:02,602
You know you would've gone my way
if you hadn't married Jesus.
623
00:40:10,040 --> 00:40:11,121
Thank you, Mommy.
624
00:40:13,480 --> 00:40:14,527
Thanks, Red.
625
00:40:17,760 --> 00:40:18,807
Thanks, Red.
626
00:40:22,240 --> 00:40:23,366
She's your mom?
627
00:40:23,560 --> 00:40:24,925
Maternal figurehead.
628
00:40:25,000 --> 00:40:27,765
My actual mother lives in Brazil with her boyfriend, Paolo,
629
00:40:27,840 --> 00:40:30,491
who destroys rainforests and collects photo-realistic art.
630
00:40:30,560 --> 00:40:32,528
She is a cunt. I am an embarrassment.
631
00:40:32,600 --> 00:40:35,251
Hey, Red. You got one of those for me?
632
00:40:35,880 --> 00:40:37,689
You got what I asked you for?
633
00:40:38,480 --> 00:40:39,766
I'm working on it.
634
00:40:40,520 --> 00:40:44,809
So am I. Treats come when I sleep better.
635
00:40:50,320 --> 00:40:54,450
How hard is it to get me a board from the wood-shop? People.
636
00:40:56,720 --> 00:40:57,846
Who's this?
637
00:40:58,200 --> 00:41:02,330
This is Chapman. She's new. Self-surrender.
Thinks she's fancy.
638
00:41:03,960 --> 00:41:07,726
Here, fancy. Have a yogurt.
639
00:41:11,480 --> 00:41:13,050
What do I have to do for it?
640
00:41:14,040 --> 00:41:17,886
You're new. You're one of us. Consider it a gift.
641
00:41:18,680 --> 00:41:22,844
Thank you. Thank you so much.
642
00:41:26,560 --> 00:41:28,722
The food here is disgusting.
643
00:41:38,520 --> 00:41:39,646
What?
644
00:41:39,840 --> 00:41:41,842
Did I mention that Red runs the kitchen?
645
00:41:44,560 --> 00:41:48,007
Shit. I'm sorry.
646
00:41:53,040 --> 00:41:54,405
Honey.
647
00:41:55,400 --> 00:41:57,721
I know you just got here, so you don't know what's what.
648
00:41:58,040 --> 00:41:59,644
Well, I'm gonna tell you.
649
00:41:59,720 --> 00:42:04,567
You don't like the food? It's no problem.
650
00:42:12,040 --> 00:42:16,090
Holy shit. That was an epic fuck-up.
651
00:42:18,880 --> 00:42:19,881
Can I help you?
652
00:42:20,760 --> 00:42:23,969
I'm Chapman. I'm new today.
653
00:42:24,160 --> 00:42:27,607
They told me I should talk to you.
I don't have a PAC number.
654
00:42:27,760 --> 00:42:28,921
Who's they?
655
00:42:31,640 --> 00:42:37,886
Mr. Caputo, please let me call my fiance.
I have to let him know I'm okay.
656
00:42:39,440 --> 00:42:42,444
Two minutes. You got two minutes, that's it.
657
00:42:42,520 --> 00:42:44,602
Close the door, I don't want a run on my office.
658
00:42:44,720 --> 00:42:47,166
Inmate Gonzalez report to the supply room.
659
00:42:53,160 --> 00:42:54,889
Dial nine to get out.
660
00:43:05,040 --> 00:43:07,042
- Hello, Larry's phone.
- Amy?
661
00:43:07,120 --> 00:43:08,770
- Piper?
- Give me the phone.
662
00:43:08,840 --> 00:43:10,649
One second. Can I say hello?
663
00:43:10,760 --> 00:43:13,047
Amy, I only have two minutes to talk.
664
00:43:13,120 --> 00:43:15,851
Are you okay? What's it like in there?
665
00:43:15,920 --> 00:43:19,242
Howard and I brought Chinese. Larry is so upset.
666
00:43:19,360 --> 00:43:20,407
- Mom.
- Let him talk, Amy.
667
00:43:20,480 --> 00:43:21,481
Ma, give me the phone.
668
00:43:21,560 --> 00:43:23,130
Amy, please let me talk to Larry.
669
00:43:23,200 --> 00:43:26,170
You know, I read that when Martha Stewart was in prison,
670
00:43:26,240 --> 00:43:27,651
she foraged for dandelions.
671
00:43:27,800 --> 00:43:29,245
Okay, Mom, please.
672
00:43:29,360 --> 00:43:32,125
- I was talking!
- Amy, it's not always about you, dear.
673
00:43:32,240 --> 00:43:34,049
- What is that supposed to mean?
- Piper?
674
00:43:34,120 --> 00:43:36,168
I only have a minute now.
I'm calling from the guard's office.
675
00:43:36,240 --> 00:43:38,004
Hey, are you okay? What's going on?
676
00:43:38,080 --> 00:43:39,366
I love you so much.
677
00:43:39,440 --> 00:43:41,329
I love you, too. Are you okay?
678
00:43:41,400 --> 00:43:44,051
I'm wearing granny panties
and I've only spoken to white people.
679
00:43:45,000 --> 00:43:46,411
You joining the Aryan Nation?
680
00:43:46,480 --> 00:43:48,369
I don't know. But there's a nun here.
681
00:43:48,520 --> 00:43:50,727
And you're not allowed to sleep in your bed.
Only on top of it.
682
00:43:50,800 --> 00:43:51,847
That's weird.
683
00:43:51,960 --> 00:43:53,007
I know, right?
684
00:43:53,080 --> 00:43:56,527
And when I got here, they gave me these
little bars of hotel soap, but no shampoo.
685
00:43:56,880 --> 00:44:00,601
But I think that I can borrow some from other white people.
686
00:44:01,680 --> 00:44:03,284
I love you so much.
687
00:44:04,840 --> 00:44:07,366
One of my roommates had
a massive heart attack when she got here.
688
00:44:07,480 --> 00:44:09,721
Okay, you are not allowed to have a heart attack.
689
00:44:10,960 --> 00:44:12,121
What did you have for dinner?
690
00:44:13,000 --> 00:44:15,048
My folks brought from The Palace.
691
00:44:16,240 --> 00:44:17,446
The Palace.
692
00:44:18,440 --> 00:44:20,044
Dinner here was scary liver.
693
00:44:20,960 --> 00:44:23,122
And I insulted the chef,
694
00:44:23,200 --> 00:44:27,125
and you're not supposed to eat the pudding
because it's been to Desert Storm.
695
00:44:27,240 --> 00:44:30,084
Piper, listen to me. You cannot lose your shit, okay?
696
00:44:30,160 --> 00:44:32,561
I mean it. Please, please tell me
you're keeping it together.
697
00:44:32,640 --> 00:44:35,530
Please, please tell me you're okay.
698
00:44:35,680 --> 00:44:38,570
- Wrap it up, Chapman.
- I'm Chapman here.
699
00:44:38,760 --> 00:44:44,608
You're my Pipes, okay?
And I love you, and this is only temporary.
700
00:44:45,600 --> 00:44:48,604
That's what Yoga Jones said. But it's just been one day.
701
00:44:48,680 --> 00:44:50,170
And I can't, I can't!
702
00:44:50,240 --> 00:44:52,481
Piper, you can. You so can, okay?
703
00:44:52,560 --> 00:44:55,450
You are so strong, babe. You...
704
00:44:55,520 --> 00:44:56,885
And you love adventure, right?
705
00:44:56,960 --> 00:44:59,247
That's what got you in there,
and that's what's gonna get you through.
706
00:44:59,320 --> 00:45:03,245
This is all just a big adventure with liver and Yoga Jones,
707
00:45:03,320 --> 00:45:05,129
and racism.
708
00:45:05,280 --> 00:45:07,521
You can come on Friday. Please come on Friday.
709
00:45:07,640 --> 00:45:08,880
Tell my mother to come on Saturday,
710
00:45:08,960 --> 00:45:10,769
and don't tell her that you're coming on Friday, okay?
711
00:45:10,840 --> 00:45:12,649
Of course. Okay?
712
00:45:12,720 --> 00:45:14,688
Two sleeps. That's it.
713
00:45:14,760 --> 00:45:18,481
Two sleeps on top of your bed. And then, I will be there.
714
00:45:19,160 --> 00:45:21,811
Coming up on lights out. Say goodbye.
715
00:45:22,640 --> 00:45:23,687
I have to go.
716
00:45:23,760 --> 00:45:24,886
Hey, no crying-
717
00:45:24,960 --> 00:45:26,200
I'm not crying.
718
00:45:26,280 --> 00:45:28,521
Piper, I love you. I will see you on Friday.
719
00:45:28,600 --> 00:45:31,683
Please, be brave. Don't let anyone into your granny panties.
720
00:45:31,760 --> 00:45:32,841
I love you.
721
00:45:32,920 --> 00:45:34,285
I love you.
722
00:45:39,080 --> 00:45:42,084
Your head's not here yet. Don't worry, it'll catch up.
723
00:45:43,280 --> 00:45:46,090
In the meantime, try to get some sleep.
724
00:45:46,160 --> 00:45:49,243
Orientation is tomorrow at 9:00.
725
00:45:49,320 --> 00:45:51,084
Shampoo for you.
726
00:45:53,440 --> 00:45:55,647
I think the words you're looking for are, "Thank you."
727
00:45:56,320 --> 00:45:57,651
Thank you.
728
00:45:58,520 --> 00:45:59,726
Good night, Chapman.
729
00:46:03,960 --> 00:46:05,644
Close the door behind you.
730
00:46:24,360 --> 00:46:26,966
Chapman. Hey, Chapman.
731
00:46:27,040 --> 00:46:28,041
- What?
- Rise and shine.
732
00:46:28,160 --> 00:46:29,286
What? What?
733
00:46:29,360 --> 00:46:32,125
You want time to shower and eat, you gotta get up.
734
00:46:32,240 --> 00:46:34,242
Look at your eyes.
735
00:46:34,320 --> 00:46:35,765
You should put some cold water on them.
736
00:46:35,880 --> 00:46:37,166
Okay. Thanks.
737
00:46:37,240 --> 00:46:41,165
Take a nice shower, get dressed,
you'll start to feel normal soon enough.
738
00:46:41,800 --> 00:46:43,529
- You got flip-flops?
- No.
739
00:46:44,000 --> 00:46:47,482
Oh, honey. There's wicked fungus in the showers.
740
00:47:05,360 --> 00:47:07,362
You're driving me crazy!
741
00:47:16,360 --> 00:47:17,486
Boo!
742
00:47:39,360 --> 00:47:41,567
Everyone gets a piece of fruit at breakfast.
743
00:47:41,640 --> 00:47:44,883
I'm telling you, it'll all start
to feel normal, soon. Really.
744
00:47:45,440 --> 00:47:48,091
- You hungry?
- I'm starving. Excuse me.
745
00:47:48,240 --> 00:47:49,810
- Such pretty hair.
- Thank you.
746
00:47:50,040 --> 00:47:52,486
When those roots start to show,
be sure to come and see me, okay?
747
00:47:52,560 --> 00:47:54,324
I'll take good care of you.
748
00:47:54,400 --> 00:47:57,244
But even if you don't come to me, don't go to Danita.
749
00:47:57,360 --> 00:48:00,887
She'll burn the shit out of your scalp. Go. Line's moving.
750
00:48:01,960 --> 00:48:03,246
Wait, Chapman? Are you Chapman?
751
00:48:03,440 --> 00:48:04,521
Yes.
752
00:48:08,440 --> 00:48:10,408
Red says she made that special for you.
753
00:48:10,480 --> 00:48:13,484
Wow. Thanks. Tell her I said thanks.
754
00:48:13,640 --> 00:48:15,608
I don't say nothing. I'm just working. Next.
755
00:48:17,440 --> 00:48:18,521
Man, I'm telling you,
756
00:48:18,600 --> 00:48:21,524
before my teeth got knocked out, I had this awesome gap.
757
00:48:21,600 --> 00:48:23,443
Now they look like Chiclets, look.
758
00:48:23,560 --> 00:48:25,483
You're crazy. Your fake teeth are beautiful.
759
00:48:25,560 --> 00:48:27,289
Bet you never get the food stuck in them.
760
00:48:27,360 --> 00:48:30,170
So, you got the nice fresh breath
all the time. It's minty. It's beautiful.
761
00:48:30,240 --> 00:48:33,687
It's like God put them in you every day.
A summer breeze coming over here.
762
00:48:33,840 --> 00:48:36,320
- Yeah? You like that?
- Always smell... Yeah. Yeah.
763
00:48:39,240 --> 00:48:40,526
What did you do?
764
00:48:40,600 --> 00:48:42,090
She insulted the food in front of Red.
765
00:48:42,240 --> 00:48:44,607
Oh, jeez. I don't think you're gonna be eating for a while.
766
00:48:47,040 --> 00:48:49,646
Put it away. I'm enjoying menopause very much, thank you.
767
00:48:50,720 --> 00:48:53,200
You gotta figure out how to make things right with Red.
768
00:48:53,360 --> 00:48:55,283
And yeah, yeah. You gotta go down to laundry.
769
00:48:55,360 --> 00:48:57,886
Don't forget that. And check the elastic on all the pants.
770
00:48:57,960 --> 00:48:59,769
Don't let them get you stretched-out garbage.
771
00:48:59,880 --> 00:49:02,042
Orientation starts in 10 minutes.
772
00:49:02,120 --> 00:49:04,407
At least you had a nice shower this morning, right?
773
00:49:04,480 --> 00:49:05,686
I think I saw you in there?
774
00:49:09,920 --> 00:49:13,561
I don't... I don't know. Excuse me.
775
00:49:13,640 --> 00:49:15,927
Hey! Hey, hey, don't forget, you gotta bus your tray.
776
00:49:22,600 --> 00:49:25,649
Where's she going with that tray?
Can't take them out of here.
777
00:49:25,800 --> 00:49:26,926
Yeah, she'll figure it out.
778
00:49:27,120 --> 00:49:28,770
Was she really in the shower this morning?
779
00:49:50,280 --> 00:49:52,328
Maybe this is a bad time to say hi, huh?
57133
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