All language subtitles for Love.and.Death.S01E01.1080p.WEB.H264-CAKES

No, no, no, no, no!

Pat, I swear, your voice just
seems to get better and better.

You sure you didn't go to
Juilliard or something?

I did use to have a
friend named Julie

when I was a kid, and
we did play in her yard.

Sometimes we would sing.

Oh, my God! Patrick
Montgomery, I swear,

if there was an Olympic
competition for dorky jokes,

I'd be married to
a gold medalist.

Your voice has gotten better.

Well, how about me? I
sing like a swallow.

No need to get competitive.

Life is a competition,
don't they say?

Don't you like to say
that, Pastor Jackie?

Never. I don't believe
I ever even thought it.

We should all be
thinking about it

if we're serious about winning
the church volleyball league.

And maybe we should consider opening
our doors to the Congregationalists.

Don Awrey is 6'5" and
spikes like a madman.

He is great.

Well, you know, I dated
a Congregationalist once,

and he insisted on prayin'
before goin' car parking.

No, wait! No, he's Episcopalian!

What about you, Don?

Are you ever gonna
join the team?

- Volleyball's not my thing.
- Not enough mayhem.

He gravitates towards viciousness.
That's why he went into law.

Didn't you play
professional football?

- For the Washington Redskins.
- Yes!

Nah, I tried out, I
didn't make the team.

And it kills him to this day.

I'm gonna go get
some potato salad.

I'll race you.

We should really get going
soon because the chart says

that I'm going to reach peak
fertility around 1:00 PM

today, so.

Oh, right.

Little bit slower.

Little bit slower!

And be sure to emit as
you propulse forward.

- Evidently, that's helpful.
- Really?

- Here. Try to go deeper.
- I'm going as deep as I can, Betty.

No, you have been deeper before.

If you can squirt rather
than drip, that helps, too.

But, slower.

Deeper!

And squirt!

- Keep going, honey. You're doing great.
- Do I have to sing it?

Yes.

If you wanna keep filling that sweet
little heart of yours up with joy!

- Hey, hey, hey!
- Hey, hey, hey!

- Come in!
- All right.

And why do I have the pleasure

of a house call from
my favorite pastor?

Well.

It's not exactly pleasure,
I'm afraid. And...

I might stop being
your favorite pastor.

What's goin' on?

Bill's gone.

He wants a divorce.

It's been comin'
for a long time.

I know that you've
been struggling some.

Sweetie, sing louder.

That's good.

You will get through this. I
will drag you through this.

- I'm scared. I'll admit it.
- What about?

For starters, how will
I lead the congregation?

You're gonna lead us the
same as you always have.

And being single, after
23 years of marriage.

I'm not sure I even know how to
put one foot in front of the other.

So you just need to look
at this as a new beginning.

A new destiny.

- It's not fair.
- It's my job, Betty.

The whole point of that new job was
that you wouldn't have to travel.

As much. And I don't.

Well, it's not normal for a
husband and wife to be apart.

That's all I'm saying.

Right, but we're talking
about four days here.

Four critical days
during peak fertility.

Didn't the doctors say that you might
get pregnant easier if you stress less?

- So it's my fault.
- I didn't say that.

- Of course, you did. You did.
- No, I didn't.

And you might consider that it's your
traveling that's causing my stress.

Okay.

So, the thing is,
Jackie, our minister,

she's not just out of
town on church business.

She chose not to be here today.

Because I'm on the
church council,

she felt it better that
I break the news first.

Jackie and her husband
Bill are getting a divorce.

It happens.

Get over it. Pastors are
people like everybody else.

I see some of you
squirming in your seats,

like you suddenly got
pine cones up your butts.

Well, I tell you, if you ever did
get a pine cone up your keister,

you'd be squealing like a pig.

And Jackie Ponder would be the
first one runnin' to your aid.

So let's run to hers.

Not the time to be
high-horse, moral dopes.

Let's just get on with
being good Methodists.

We can start tonight

by kicking some Lutheran
butts at volleyball.

I got it!

Betty, hey. Hi.

Thought you'd be
playing tonight.

Sitting this one out.

Understood.

Yeah. Makes sense.

I got it!

- What makes sense?
- What?

My sitting this game
out makes sense.

- Why does it make sense?
- Well, if you are expecting,

it makes sense that
you'd steer clear of any

intense physical activity.

What makes you
think I'm expecting?

No, no, I'm sorry.

I just heard you and
Allan were trying.

I...

I apologize. I overstepped.

- Betty, I'm really sorry.
- It's fine. It's fine. It's fine.

You really do have a
wonderful singing voice.

Thank you. Thank you.

Got it, got it, got it!

Are you okay?

I'm fine. I'm fine.

- Are you sure?
- Yeah. Yeah.

- Are you okay?
- I'm fine.

- Good. Okay.
- You don't wanna sit for a bit?

No, I'm fine, Allan.
I'm fine, thank you.

- Alright.
- Thanks.

Sorry. I gotta communicate.

What do you mean he
smelled like sex?

I mean he smelled like sex.

- Are we talkin' about the same Allan Gore?
- Oh yeah. I know.

I know, but how a man looks and smells
can be two totally different things.

And plus.

Plus what?

Well, I was kind of

gettin' the sense that he was
likin' the smell of me, too.

Like it could maybe
go in that direction.

What direction?

- I'm not sayin' that I would ever...
- Candy!

It's just this whole
thing with Jackie.

Maybe it's just kind
of opened up a can.

What can?

The "content is not all
it's cracked up to be" can.

You know, my father,
he used to say to me,

"Candy, if you ain't
growing, you're dying."

And he would also say,

"If you ain't searching

you're lost."

Allan Gore?

I mean, he'd be
"fall-in-love-proof," anyway.

Just take a look at him.

Who could be more
"fall-in-love-proof" than that?

Gary, would you like
to share your poem?

Okay. It's short.

That's fine. Some of my
favorite poems are short.

Haikus are quite
wonderful, in fact.

"On my brand new toilet

I did the same thing."

It's about the folly
of materialism.

God, I totally get it.

We all think that we can change
our lives with stuff, you know?

I do it all the time
with shoes or whatever.

If I could just have that or just
get this things will be different.

Mine's actually got a similar
theme about "wanting."

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

- Let's hear it, Candy.
- Okay.

- It's called, "My Heart Asked."
- What a lovely title.

"My heart asked,
'What's the answer?'

"I said, 'What answer?'
It said, 'You know.'

"I said, 'I don't know. I
give up. What's the answer?'

"And the heart said,

'The answer is don't give up.'"

- Good night, Sherry.
- See you at home.

- Bye, Candy!
- See ya.

Allan! Hi!

- Hey, Candy.
- Hey.

I want to talk to
you sometime about

something that's been
bothering me a little.

How about right now?

Sure.

I've been thinking
about you a lot,

and it's really been
bothering me, and I'm not

sure whether I want you to
do anything about it or not.

I'm very attracted to you.

And I'm just tired of thinkin' about
it, so I wanted to tell you that.

You seriously got in his car?

I did.

- And told him you were thinking about him?
- I did.

And what did he say?

He said, "Oh. Okay."

- That's it?
- Pretty much.

Are you sure this is
really about Allan Gore

and not about you
wantin' to be reckless?

Maybe a little of both.

But also men, they get
to go to their jobs

and live in their careers and

we just stay home and

God, that's supposed
to be enough.

Look at our kids right
now on that jungle gym.

It is human nature
to take risks.

To go for somethin' with a little
thrill at the risk of falling.

I mean, look at their faces.

They are more alive than we are.

It's not appropriate.

- Why?
- Because it's not.

Where did you even
get all of this stuff?

Jenny's mom.

You're gonna have to
pick another costume.

- Why?
- I told you, it's not appropriate,

- especially for a girl your age.
- Dad!

No, no! Never mind.

I will not have you out on the streets
trick or treating as a trollop.

We will find something better.

This is why I did not want
her seeing that movie!

- "Grease"? That's a family picture, honey.
- No, no.

It's a bunch of talk
of girls putting out.

- You're judging me.
- I am not judging you.

Allan, you do some of your
best commentary with silence.

One of the reasons

why I go silent is because
when you get like this,

I don't know what to say.

I don't know what
you want me to say.

The first time I took my wife
out, I knew she wasn't smart.

Why's that.

I took her to a drive-in
movie, you know,

and I asked if she wanted to
go in the back seat, you know.

She said she'd rather
use the ladies' room!

But the day I got married,
that was something.

Everybody was crying.

During the ceremony, her
mother cried, you know?

All the way to the
hotel, my wife cried.

And when she got undressed,
I cried, you know?

Did you read my short?

Sorry?

My short story from writing class.
I asked if you would read it.

I did. Excellent.

Yeah? What was it about?

It was about swans.

What about swans?

Wow. If I knew there was gonna be
a test, I would've studied harder.

Then study harder, Pat.

You have a Ph.D.

Yep. Not in swans, though.

Yep.

- Let me read it again.
- My car, I tell you, Johnny.

- Bad car?
- I got the only car

dogs chase it, they catch it.

I told the graduating class...

It's not about repainting or
redoing. We need a new sanctuary.

Well, a church is more about its
parishioners than its hardscape, Jo Ann.

That may be well and
true, but this church

isn't gonna be anything if we
don't grow the congregation.

And for that, we
need a new facility.

It's not just that it's
old, Jackie. It's crappy.

Nobody looking for a new
house of worship wants crappy.

It should make a statement.

Especially if we wanna
draw the younger couples.

Well, aren't we supposed
to be the younger couples?

Where's your head, Allan?

I'm sorry? What?

Where's your head? You think
we need a new sanctuary?

- Well...
- You know, the thing about

religion and life and love

is that there's renewal in it.

And, to me, nothing
sells renewal better than

you know, something new.

I agree. We need
a major building.

So if we look at our finances

year-to-date, and we see

that we are already...

Well, you would think the teams themselves
would have to clean up, not the referees,

but I suppose that would just
make too much sense, wouldn't it?

Well, are we still on
for coffee tomorrow?

Is the sun still
planning to rise?

Well, I'll call you!

So is Betty not
feeling too good again?

Some headaches and so forth.
Probably stress-related.

You haven't got any tricks up your
sleeve to relax your bride, Allan?

Betty's seen all my tricks.

Well, this is me.

You tell her that I hope
she's feeling better and

she can always drop Alisa
off if she wants to rest.

- I'll tell her that. Thank you.
- Yeah.

You sure I can
trust you two alone?

Well, good night.

Candy.

Before, in the car.

What exactly was it
that you had in mind?

Get in.

Would you be interested
in having an affair?

It's just something
I've been thinkin' about

and so I wanted to say it, so I
don't have to think about it anymore.

Okay. Well, I got my answer.

No, no, it's just.

I don't think I could.

You know, I love Betty.

And when we were living in
New Mexico, she had an affair.

Betty did?

Well, I can't believe that.

I know. I couldn't
believe it either.

It hurt me a lot and I wouldn't
want to do that to her.

That's fine, Allan.

I love Pat, too, and I
wouldn't wanna do anything

to hurt him either.

- I like Pat.
- Yeah.

He has the best
voice in the choir.

- Also, Betty just got pregnant again.
- Really?

Just recently.

So that would really
be unfair to her.

Especially since I don't
feel the same way about you

that I do about her.

So, I probably couldn't
do something like that.

Okay.

I was just putting the option
out there because of how I felt.

But I certainly don't want
to hurt you or your marriage.

All I wanted to do was

go to bed.

But I won't mention it again.

Good night.

I feel so humiliated.

It's probably for
the best, sweetheart.

Well, I wasn't looking for what's best. I
was out for something more transcendent.

And he broached it! He
invited the conversation.

What exactly did he say?

He asked me what I had in mind when
he knew very well what I had in mind.

And then he climbed into
my car. I mean, come on.

And why did he kiss me?

Right on the lips.

It wasn't exactly passionate.

But it wasn't a
brotherly kiss either.

Well, men kiss all the time
when they don't mean it.

No, I think he's waitin'
for me to make it happen.

He doesn't wanna hate himself
for being unfaithful to Betty.

So he's waitin' for
me to make it happen.

Well, he can forget about that.

I played my cards,
and that will be that.

Mornin'.

Well, my word in
Heaven, are you a bird?

No, wait. You're a
plane, aren't you?

I'm Superman!

You're Superman!
You're a man of steel!

And you might be the super-est
one I have ever seen.

- Well, thank you.
- Well, you're welcome. Hey, honey!

- Hey, Mom.
- You're back already, huh?

- Just to drop off. I filled my pumpkin.
- Yes, you did.

I'm just gonna go dump
it and come back out.

Well, what do you expect to do
with all that candy, young lady?

- I'll trade with Ian.
- Okay.

- Thanks for walking with them.
- Sure, sure.

Did you see Pat and
Ian on your travels?

I did see a pretty scary Elvis.

Yep, that would be Pat.

Him and Elvis, it's kinda
hard to tell them apart.

Come on, Dad. Let's go.

- Okay. Bye.
- Trick or treat!

Oh, my goodness, look at
you! Buzz, buzz, buzz!

If I could only have a brain!

Look how cute you guys
look. And look at you.

Don't sting me! The
Wicked Witch of the West!

Happy birthday to you

- Oh, my God.
- I brought you a confection.

Yes.

And at the bakery, they said
if we ate it before 10:00 AM,

it won't make our asses fat.

At least, not completely.

- Then, shall we? Hurry up!
- Yes, we shall!

This is why your
people follow you.

Yeah. I let them eat cake.

So, listen.

I don't like the sound of that.

Remember I told you about
that other job offer

I had at Midwestern University?

- Which you turned down.
- Yeah, well.

- It turns out I reconsidered.
- What do you mean?

It was pointed out that the bishop
doesn't make offers like this every day.

- But it's in Wichita Falls.
- I'll come back and forth.

What do you mean you'll
come back and forth?

It's, like, 200 miles away.

Candy, this is my next calling.

What am I gonna do?

- You're my best friend.
- Our friendship won't change.

No, but you won't be here.

- And who's gonna replace you?
- We'll find somebody great.

Somebody who can get
the new sanctuary built.

Oh, my God.

You are the only one I have
to talk to here, Jackie.

That is not true.
You have Sherry.

And you're the belle
of the ball at church.

I mean Sherry is Sherry but

honey, you're my heart.

Hello?

Candy. Hi, it's
Allan. Allan Gore.

- Hey.
- Hey. Hi.

I have to go to McKinney tomorrow
to get my tires checked and rotated,

and I know it's a drive,

but I was wondering if you might
like to have some lunch with me.

You know, to talk a little more about
what we were talking about before.

Okay.

Okay, fine.

Well, how's 12:00?

- I'll meet you there.
- Okay.

- Meet you there. Bye-bye.
- Okay.

- Where were we?
- Who was that?

- It's just somebody.
- Somebody?

Somebody I'm thinkin' about
having an affair with.

You told me that 'cause you
want me to talk you out of it.

Pat and I, we...

Well, we kind of hit a plateau.

Every marriage hits one of them.

Well, I suppose yours did
and you did nothing about it.

Meaning what? If I'd had an affair, Bill
would still be taking out my garbage?

I'm talking about my garbage right
now, and not wanting to settle for it.

Sorry, that came out
wrong. Pat is not garbage.

Candy, I got front-door
friends and back-door friends.

Front-door friends show up
when they have a reason.

They knock. They
say the right thing.

Back-door friends, they just
bang in through the kitchen door

and drop whatever's
on their mind.

You are my best back-door friend

so I am gonna drop my
mind on your table here.

This will come to no good.

Jackie, I have done all the
things a wife is supposed to do.

The house, the kids, the meals.

Where is the payback?

Honey.

This is the payback.

Take it from me.
Somebody who lost it.

I can see your mind's made up.

- Thanks again, Ronnie.
- You're welcome.

- Don't work too hard.
- All right.

Hi! You're here.

- Hi.
- Hey.

Brought you this little card.

That is so sweet.

There you are.

Thank you.

I just worry, you know?

Jackie is the church,
when you think about it.

I just hope she doesn't
become a stranger.

Well, how can she not?
At least a little.

Wichita Falls is a three-hour
drive last I checked.

And, frankly, I don't know how
we're gonna go about replacing her.

And I don't wanna belong to
some stodgy-podgy church.

- No, that would be awful.
- Awful.

Well, should we talk
about our kids now?

Or maybe more Pat.

He was a champion trumpeter in
high school. Did I cover that?

I'm sorry. I've never done
anything like this before.

I haven't either.

I would never be able to forgive
myself if Betty ever found out.

That would just be
devastating to her.

I feel the same.

We would have to be so careful that
no one would ever know except us.

That's right.

I've been thinking a lot
about what you said about

just wanting to go to bed,

not getting too emotionally
involved and so forth.

That would be very
important to me.

Me, too, Allan.

God, I just wanna enjoy myself.

Without hurting
myself or anyone else.

Well,

I think we should think
about it some more.

Think about the
hazards and decide

whether or not we're
willing to take the risk.

Fine. Yeah, I think we should.

So, that's the plan then?
Think about it some more?

I think so.

I'm not sure how many more of
these strategy session I can take.

Yeah, I know.

- We just can't be too careful.
- You know,

if you don't go to bed
with me pretty soon,

you'll never be able to live up

to the expectations
I have of you in bed.

Yeah, don't think I
haven't thought about that.

Maybe just one more
planning session.

- We can have it here.
- At your house?

Yeah, we can meet for lunch.
People need to eat, right?

How was work today?

It's pretty good.
Kind of the same.

Have you been going
over your list, Allan?

- I'm sorry, what?
- The list.

The list of
potential baby names.

- I will.
- You will?

Yeah.

Okay.

If either of us wants it to end
for whatever reason, then it ends.

Agreed.

If either of us get too
emotionally involved, then it ends.

We should make that
rule number one.

Sure. Okay.

Okay. And if we
start taking risks

that shouldn't be taken,
then the affair ends.

- And we should always meet out of town.
- Agree, agree, agree.

All expenses, gas, motel,
food, will be shared equally.

We'll meet only on weekdays,
and I'll be in charge

of fixing lunch on
the days that we meet,

so that we just have more time.

And I'll also be in charge
of getting the motel room.

Same reason. It just gives
us more quality time.

Shall we

set a date for the
affair to begin?

Let's go with December 12th.

December 12th?

This year.

Great.

December 12th it is.

Oh, Margaret, you don't
know what it does to me,

being near you all day in
surgery, only able to touch...

You alright?

I'm good.

This song gives me goosebumps.

I'm the same way about
"Pennsylvania 6-5000."

What are you doin'?

What am I doin'?

You once told me that your
favorite character was Snugglepuss.

Did you not tell me that, Pat?

Snagglepuss.

Hey, angel girl.

Come out smarter than you go in.

I will, Mom.

- And no talking to boys.
- You're so silly.

Okay, buddy. Next
stop, preschool.

Hello?

I'm at the Continental Inn

on the Central Expressway
towards Dallas, room 214.

I will be there
in a few minutes.

What am I doin'?

And show our boys some
red and blue pride.

Time for a couple of calls.

Hello, Darcy. Welcome
to The Dan Ram Show.

Hey, Dan, thanks
for taking my call.

I made lunch.

Well, you look beautiful.
Really beautiful.

Thank you.

- Well, we should eat.
- Excellent.

Wow. Looks delicious.

Sorry.

You know, I've probably driven
past this motel a thousand times

and hardly knew it was here.

Yeah, it's funny that way.

Life. You know, the

bland and innocuous can

suddenly take on
vivid hues and colors.

I take a creative writing class.

- Well, that was really good.
- Thank you.

I would love to read some
of your writing sometime.

Really?

Well, that would make one of you

'cause Pat has no interest,

and I read all of his stuff
on electromagnetics...

Are we talking about Pat now?

No, sorry. We're definitely not.

Are you just gonna stand there?

Yes.

Sorry.

Allan, have you never
been French kissed before?

You've never had a woman's
tongue in your mouth?

Well, I think you're
gonna quite like it.

- Are you okay?
- I am.

So okay.

- You?
- Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

That was wonderful, Candy.

You're wonderful.

We need to shower.

I probably should have
added that to the list.

Always shower after

and that way, we won't
smell like each other.

- Yeah.
- Yeah. Oh, and Allan.

Allan.

That was

wonderful.

Okay.