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Four Times That Night

His name is Coolie Nose.
Come here, Coolie.

Coolie, let me get a look at you.

Do you like him? He's a miniature poodle.
I take him with me everywhere.

Men love him.

See? I don't know what they see in him.

Hey, I almost swerved off the road.
You almost gave me a heart attack.

What are you doing? Are you leaving?

You know, you have a really nice dog.

Me, talk to men with nice hair
and sports cars? Never!

As virginal as my mother wants me to be,
and immune to the weakness of the flesh,

just like the nuns taught me,
I incinerate my pursuer

and humiliate him and his stupid
Super Sprint, 2.35 million lire plus tax.

From behind the branches,
I can steal a glance.

It's so easy to be mistaken.

It's not a Super Sprint,
but a Spider Deluxe, 3.23 million.

But who cares?

What' if he's not a playboy,
but an ex-orphan from a monastery,

who is fascinated not by my Coolie,
but by my many spiritual virtues?

Whether he's an ex-orphan or not,
the devil might drive a sports car.

Do you want to make me yours, devil?
I shall escape and hide in the park.

Shh, Coolie, stop barking.

Stay here!
You don't want the devil to catch you.

Stop barking.

- Do something! Call the dog catchers.
- Don't worry. I'll protect you.

Did you hurt yourself?

- I broke my tailbone.
- No way. I think your tail is intact.

- Are you not Balthazar?
- Baltha-who?

- Balthazar, the arch demon.
- You have me confused with my uncle.

- Your uncle is an arch demon?
- An archbishop.

But his name is Balthazar.

And with an archbishop for an uncle,
you go around seducing women?

Someone has to raise the family average.

You're a third-rate seducer, lacking
intelligence or any other attribute.

- Me? It sounds as if you don't like me.
- It seems that way.

- What if I take offense?
- We might argue.

Before we're even introduced?
What's your name?

- Tina.
- Great.

My name is Gianni Prada.
I have a date with Tina.

I know. Tina tells me everything.
I'm her mother.

- Please, come in.
- Thank you.

Gianni Prada,
are you related to Gianni Morandi?

- No.
- No? That's a shame.

Speaking of shame, let's talk about Tina.
Would you like some coffee?

- No, thank you.
- Some tea, perhaps?

No, no. You were saying, about Tina?

- We are not alone.
- Of course not, the dog is here.

No, I'm referring to our conscience.
Please, sit down.

All right. You know, I too believe
in the importance of spiritual values.

- I'm glad to hear it.
- Of course, ma'am.

- My daughter is very proper.
- So am I.

There's proper and then there's proper.
Tina is young and naive.

- You may be more experienced.
- Don't worry.

- An experienced man can have a heart.
- Really?

- I swear it.
- Thank you.

- Did you know that I was a Cub Scout?
- Yours must be such an exciting life.

- What?
- A Cub Scout, an experienced man.

- What will tomorrow bring?
- Nothing, it's Sunday.

Blessed are those who on Sunday
remember Friday.

Here I am. I'm ready.

- Wow, what a stunning dress.
- Thank you.

- How do I look?
- Very well.

You know, it's one of a kind.
It's very expensive.

- Really?
- Turn around, Tina. Let me see it.

It's short,
but they didn't have any larger sizes.

- Do you like it?
- Very much.

- Let's go, then.
- You're going out?

The monks were right when
they taught us that the flesh is weak.

- My feet are already aching.
- You too had a religious education?

- I studied under the nuns.
- And you move like that?

- They don't make nuns like they used to.
- Why not? My heart is pure.

I wasn't referring to your heart.

- It's late.
- Everyone else is still dancing.

- Please, let's go.
- But why?

- Seriously, it's very late.
- Well, all right.

The band isn't bad. A bit too loud.

- Hi, Gianni.
- Hi.

- Will you have a drink?
- No, I have to take her home.

Allow me to introduce
Duccio, Lorenzo and Pino.

- Nice to meet you.
- How do you do?

- Are you going to leave us all alone?
- I'm sorry, but it's late.

- Good night. I'm sorry.
- That's all right. See you later.

- We'll be here.
- As usual.

- Damn. I don't know where he finds them.
- But I know where he takes them.

Tina! It's 3:30. Do you know that?
It's almost tomorrow morning.

- Stop it.
- Tina, explain yourself.

Did you miss the bus, perhaps?
I'm an understanding mother.

Your dress! That splendid one of a kind
that cost a fortune!

What do you think? That your mother's
small pension and annuity...

Mother, Mother, Mother!
All you worry about is money.

You don't care about my purity.
You only care about the dress.

- Dear, people can see the dress.
- Do you know how it got ripped?

- A nail?
- No.

- Did it get stuck on a doorknob?
- No.

- Gianni ripped it.
- Are you crazy?

He ripped it while he was trying
to make me his.

- Oh, dear! On the bus?
- No, he has a fabulous Spider Deluxe.

- So?
- When we left the club,

- I thought he was going to take me home.
- What is a Spider Deluxe?

- It's a car, Mother.
- I thought it was hair gel.

- So, what happened?
- Nothing. I was so trusting.

I was admiring his profile,
which looked nothing like the devil.

I even allowed him to call me
by my first name.

Your first name? How reckless.

- Suddenly, he stopped in front of a gate.
- A gate? How exciting.

- Why did you stop here?
- I live here.

But I have no intention
of coming to your place.

Why not? I'm expecting a call
from Hamburg. They call every night.

- We can have some whiskey.
- I'm sorry, but I'm not coming.

It's an important call.
I'm not Dracula, you know.

No.

Well, if it's really so important,
go in by yourself.

As you wish.

Damn. The lock is jammed, as usual.

I hope the doorman is in.

- He must be out.
- At this hour?

I'd love you to meet him.
He's very eccentric.

- He's interested in sexual activity.
- In what?

Sexual activity.
But not his own, other people's.

You know the type.
He prowls the rooftops at night.

- What is he, a cat?
- No, he's a regular peeping Tom.

In any case, he's not in.
Let me try the key again.

Look, I got it open.

I don't like leaving you outside so late.

- At least come into the garden.
- All right, thank you.

After you.

Okay, I'll wait here.

- My apartment is number 12.
- All right.

Giorgio, I've never met a man
more gullible than you.

- So you went with a woman?
- Darling, how could I have known?

- She was dressed like a man.
- Why was she dressed like a man?

- She was looking for a woman.
- Look, the gate is open.

- You're right.
- This cross-dressing fad is confusing.

- Indeed.
- Once, with Franca, I dressed up as a man.

We ran into her husband,
and he punched me in the nose.

What a brute!

Giorgio, my heart tells me
that she really is a woman.

Poor thing.

- She's a gift from Santa Claus.
- I think she escaped from a raid.

Shush.

What's wrong, Snow White?
Did you get lost in the forest?

- I'm waiting for someone.
- A man.

A pretty girl like you shouldn't wait.
Would you like to come with us?

- You're not afraid of me, are you?
- No, of course not.

- Are you afraid of me, then?
- No, but I have to wait for Gianni.

- Gianni, that dreadful man in number 12.
- Too bad. Good-bye, Snow White.

You don't know what you're missing.

You know, dear,
we must do something about these perverts.

If men start going with women,
what are we going to do?

We'll be television producers, as usual.

- I'm just in a bad mood tonight.
- No, it's just that you bombed tonight.

- It may be good for us to get some rest.
- Sure, why not?

Hello? Hello, Hamburg? The line went dead.

Damn it, not again.
Miss, I was speaking to Hamburg.

Oh, thank you. Hello?

Hi, Giorgio.

Well? Did you sign?

Great. Of course.

I'll send you 30 million.

Welcome to my lair. It's nice, isn't it?

- I got scared waiting downstairs.
- Of course.

Come in. We'll have a drink,
and I'll take you home.

But I... No, don't close the door.

Hey, now you're hurting my feelings.
Who do you take me for?

Come. Two fingers of whiskey, a smile,
and we'll rekindle our friendship.

Sit on the swing. There's nothing better
to calm your frazzled nerves.

Go on, drink. I didn't slip you anything.
On Dracula's honor.

- I'd like to go.
- What? Oh.

Okay, I'll put on a sweater,
it's gotten chilly.

I'll just be a minute.
Meanwhile, look around the orc's lair.

- Gianni, I'm sorry.
- What for, Rosebud? You're so funny.

I can't get it open. You locked it!

Gianni. Gianni, I beg you.
Gianni, what do you want to do?

- Guess.
- I don't... If you're a gentleman,

you'll give me the key,
and you'll let me leave.

Unfortunately, I'm not a gentleman.
I'm a wild man with overactive hormones.

Come here, Miss Innocence.
I'll teach you a new game.

- No!
- How can you be a virgin, at your age?

- Let me go, or I'll scream.
- Go ahead. No one can hear you.

No, my mother doesn't want me to.
I'm saving myself.

Go ahead and try to save yourself.
Meanwhile, I'll try to stop you.

- No.
- Get ready. We're about to start.

- No, I don't want to.
- But I do.

- Hold still.
- No!

- Let me go.
- Hold still, angel.

The more you squirm,
the wilder this stallion gets.

Don't you like this game, turtledove?
Can't you feel the hormones sizzling?

- Hold still!
- No!

Hold still, darling.

- Can't you fight a little harder?
- If that's what you want.

You'll pay for that.

I'm going to disinfect it.

When I get back, Miss Purity,
you'll have to beg for forgiveness.

It won't be easy.
I'm going to be very demanding.

You thought I was the devil,
right, sister?

Well, pretty soon you'll be sure of it.

That's when I stopped being afraid.

If he was the devil, well,
he wasn't going to get the best of me.

Was he the devil?
Well, he was out of luck.

I felt strong, pure, and invincible.

- Like Joan of Arc, you know?
- No.

- Doesn't the devil have horns?
- Yes, but you can't see them.

That's right. I couldn't see
your father's horns, either.

Let's start over.

Where are you? Tina!

Down with the devil,
hurray for the archangel Gabriel!

- Have you gone mad?
- Begone, demon! Begone!

- I'll defend my purity.
- Oh, yeah? Then you don't get it.

Begone. I'm strong and invincible.

- And I'm fed up.
- You won't have me.

Is that what you think?

Do you still believe that?
You'll behave now, won't you?

- No!
- I say you will.

- No, leave me alone!
- Come on, get up.

- For these things, you need a couch.
- No!

Stop! Where are you going, Snow White?

Hey, were your nuns for real?

- Pure, invincible, and locked in.
- Tina, open the door.

- Go to hell, devil.
- I said, open the door!

Watch it, Miss Pious, I'm getting angry.

There. Does that make you angry?

Good. A devil in anger poses no danger.

Does that make you even angrier?

If a virgin is behind a locked door,
the devil can't hurt her anymore.

Tina! Listen to me, Sister Sweetness.
Open the damn door!

If you don't open up right now,
I'll break the door down!

- Open up!
- Just a minute. Let me think about it.

Your father was the same.
Always in the bathroom for hours.

- Was the devil outside?
- No, just me, but it was annoying.

- What does that have to do with anything?
- I was just saying.

- Imagine, I was Satan's prisoner.
- I would have left.

How could I escape? I needed a key
so I could open the front door.

- Did you find it?
- In his pants pocket.

- You took the devil's pants off?
- He'd left them hanging in the bathroom.

- I'm scared.
- Why? I may be a bit excitable.

I may have a temper, as well,
but I have a kind heart.

I was wrong. That's all.
Come on. Open the door.

I'll be an angel, I swear it.
You know something? I feel bad.

Damn it!
Open the door, and I'll apologize.

Anyone can make a mistake, right?
Open the door and I'll take you home.

I give you my word as a gentleman.
Tina! I said that if you open up...

- Did you hear me?
- Yes, I heard you.

I unlocked it.

Tina, my turtledove, the night is ours.
Where are you? Tina, let me out!

He was screaming bloody murder,
the poor devil. But he could go to hell.

Victory. I hadn't lost my purity.
No, I had forgotten my shoes.

My dress was ripped,
but who cares about a dress?

- Too bad, it was one of a kind.
- Shall we call the police?

And what would I say? That the devil
tried to rape me in his apartment?

Hard to convince a cop, I guess.

Wait, let's call Don Pino, our priest.

No, please. He would have to exorcise me
in church on Sunday morning.

Can you imagine? All eyes would be on me.

Besides, don't you worry.
The devil won't easily forget tonight.

Sure, we all have our kinks,
but making love to a cat...

- A cat?
- Very funny. But my lips are sealed.

- What? We tell each other everything.
- First of all, why was she unwilling?

- Who said she was unwilling?
- Then why did she scratch you?

- Well...
- Let's hear it.

I'm shy. If a girl looks at me, I blush.
But sometimes, with a real looker,

I turn into a Lothario.
- Who, you?

That's right, me.
Anyway, this morning, in the park,

I found myself pulling over
in front of... something.

I'm shy. What would I do
if there weren't girls like this one?

She was a tease, a cat, a sex goddess.
Every glance was an invitation.

And I fell for it.

You know the type of woman I mean?

She would stop, wait for me to stop,
and then start walking again.

With those endlessly long legs,

with every step she was offering me
a free sample of femininity.

What would I do if there weren't
any girls like her?

I forget about my shyness.

Then she accepted a date for tonight,
so of course I picked her up at home.

Let me tell you, when I saw her mother,
I wished I was her father.

You should have heard her.

I'm Gianni Prada, I have a date with Tina.

What a dear, you're shy.
I'm Tina's mother. My name is Sonia.

Please, come in. You know what?
I'm going to call you by your first name.

- Do you mind?
- I don't, but your husband might.

What husband? Silly boy.
My husband is dead, dear. I'm a widow.

- I'm sorry.
- What for? You didn't kill him.

- Me? No, no.
- Actually, he killed himself.

Imagine,
he had fallen in love, like an idiot.

- With whom?
- With me, and in fact he married me.

That's why he killed himself.
Please, sit down.

Actually, sit next to me.
My poor husband would always sit here.

- Before he killed himself, of course.
- I'm sorry. I poured salt on your wound.

- No, dear.
- Well, I'm glad.

- Are you sensitive?
- No, ma'am. Well, it depends.

Please, call me Sonia.
Listen, darling, shall we have a drink?

- What?
- Some cognac?

- Sure.
- Whiskey?

- Well, perhaps some whiskey.
- Good boy. It will warm our bellies.

- Are you cold?
- Yes, in my heart. And my feet.

- But, Tina...
- I just need 15 more minutes.

His name is Coolie,
if you know what I mean. Down, down.

Because his nose is cold. Coolie Nose.
English is so embarrassing.

- There's my little girl.
- Mom, don't flirt with Gianni.

- He's so shy.
- No, dear, you're wrong.

- I was telling him about the dog.
- What do you think of my dress?

- It's marvelous.
- Isn't it a bit too staid?

- Nothing is staid, if Tina is wearing it.
- Thank you. Shall we go?

I don't... I meant... you would look good
even as a deep-sea diver.

- Thank you, Gianni.
- Have a good time, children.

- Do you like dancing?
- Not really.

- What?
- I was hoping for something more exciting.

This is a great club.
The best bands play here.

- I'm bored.
- Really?

We can go someplace else, if you like.

Darling, why don't we go dance
at your house for a couple of hours?

- Do you like that idea?
- I love it. Excuse us.

Coming through.

- I usually make the first move.
- Why don't you, then?

You're so sexy,
with that frightened look on your face.

- Just a second. I can't open the gate.
- Hurry up.

Damn it. It's jammed.
Let's ring the doorman's bell.

- Please, I can't wait.
- Let's hope he's there.

I'm sorry, Beppe. I'm busy.

Woman stuff.

Okay, we'll talk tomorrow morning.

I'm coming. What a drag.
Aren't I entitled to some downtime?

- Good evening, sir.
- Thank you. The lock was jammed.

Excuse me, dear. I'm sorry if we woke you.

But let's get this lock fixed.
Thanks again.

I was afraid we'd never get in.
Unfulfilled desire gives me a headache.

At last, we're here.

- Would you like a drink?
- Whiskey, a double.

- Ice?
- Just a little.

How sweet, you have a swing.
What for? Do you sleep on it?

- No.
- You must have a bed, then.

- Of course I do.
- Well, that's good news.

I love shy men. They turn me on.
Please don't think less of me.

- Who, me?
- Yes. Can you see my good side?

In full detail. I mean, yes.
I mean... I'm shy and you're not.

- It evens out, and the night is ours.
- Is it? Let's not waste it on chitchat.

Huh? Oh, I get it. You want your whiskey.

Do you have to be so beautiful?
You're really too hot for words.

- Hurry up, Gianni.
- Of course.

Forgive me for not looking at you,
I might have an aneurysm.

Tina, what are you doing with that vase?
It felt like you were giving me an X-ray.

Oh, the bed. It's not very sexy.

- It looks like the base of a monument.
- Looks can be deceiving. It's very soft.

You sink into it like in a cloud.
Shall I put on some music?

Don't judge a book by its cover.
I seem like a shy guy.

- And instead?
- Instead I really am.

What a dear.

- Don't worry.
- I'm not worried. I just...

Be quiet, darling.
I'm here now. Leave everything to me.

- You're such a good kisser, Gianni.
- Scuba diving lessons.

Enjoy your cigarette.
You have five minutes to rest.

You know what's wrong with your place,
tiger? It's effeminate, ridiculous.

The swing, all the soft couches,
the bed that's not a bed.

But then you live in it.
Get some rest, I'll take a shower.

I'm going to devour you.

Kiss me.

Gianni, my sweet, thoughtful, shy man.
I've disappointed you, haven't I?

Just wait, and you'll see.

I won't leave you with a bad memory.

No, please. It's been a wonderful night.
An unforgettable night.

- I'm serious.
- Kiss me.

Gianni, silly man, falling off the swing.

- What happened to your forehead?
- Your nails are a bit long.

It's the jaguar style. It's all the rage.

- In the jungle, perhaps.
- The smell of blood is so arousing.

You get aroused so easily.
Let me go disinfect my cut.

The jaguar's scratch is unforgiving.
Sit down. Be a good girl.

I'll be right back. If you feel like
reading, there's the phone book.

- Why don't I ever meet girls like her?
- You're fat.

- What do we have to do to become shy?
- There's nothing easier.

Either you're born that way, like me,
or you go for girls with raging hormones.

- Like your tigress?
- Precisely.

- I'm pretty shy, too.
- Shut up. You're fat.

- You were saying, about the scratch...
- I was locked in the bathroom.

I thought I was covered in blood.
Meanwhile, I was catching my breath.

It was finally time to take her home.

Come here, my little scratch scratch,
and let me lick your wounds.

- Tina.
- The jaguar wants to be forgiven.

- Can you guess how, you sexy man?
- No. I mean, I can imagine.

The jaguar needs to calm down.
Isn't it a bit late?

- Your shyness really turns me on.
- You really do have a hair trigger.

You're absolutely right.
Good idea. Would you light a cigarette?

Just one. And when you're ready,
come here and give me a drag.

What have you done to my baser instincts?
I had a good time here tonight.

Why am I still filled with desire?

There. And seeing you approach,
my body is filled with hot shivers.

Why are you stopping there?
My baser instincts are offended.

I want to admire you,
to remember your whole body.

After this crazy night,
I want to remember your mouth,

your eyes,
your fabulous, naughty-girl body.

- Are you still mad about the scratch?
- No.

But you've changed. You're like
a candy still inside its wrapper.

- It's your imagination.
- Is it?

- You're so beautiful.
- Come here and give me a drag.

Sweetheart, I'm not a machine.

Are you going to leave me here
with all this unfulfilled desire?

- Come back to your woman.
- Just a minute.

- Hi, what a surprise.
- Hello to Gianni Scarface.

- It was a jaguar.
- What happened, Gianni?

- Come on in.
- Did you get a scratch?

- That's right.
- A friend of mine kicked a lion.

- He took it for a Saint Bernard.
- It's such a pleasure to see you.

- Muscle man, what are you doing?
- Tina.

- What is it now?
- Come in here and meet my friends.

- Right now?
- See, she likes you already.

Sure sounds like it.

- Then what?
- The four of us chatted for half an hour.

- And finally, I took her home.
- You must be tired.

- That's the best way to lose weight.
- Very funny.

I could start over. But in a year or two.

- That's what I thought.
- Good night.

I wouldn't mind being shy like him.

- Good morning, Mr. Prada.
- Good morning.

- Is that him?
- Why don't you yell a little louder?

- Did you see him last night?
- It was crazy!

- Tell me everything.
- You can't say a word, though.

It's a trade secret.
You could get me kicked out of the union.

- Where are you taking me?
- To my office.

You have an office?
My mother got it all wrong.

- She made me study to be a milkman.
- She's not the one who made the mistake.

That was your father,
on the fateful day of your conception.

Are these the women
you supposedly sleep with?

What do you know? You numskull milkman.

- Are they souvenirs?
- Yup.

- You mean all these women...
- Have been in this room.

- Wow.
- Some for love, some for money.

Last night,
that German girl had just left,

when the doorbell rang
and I had to go open the gate.

- It was him.
- Was he alone?

- No.
- With a man?

- With a woman.
- What? You mean a transvestite?

What transvestite? A real woman.
And what a woman!

- So? I want details.
- Let me get a word in.

- Right. I'm sorry.
- You only know about milk, my friend.

He has a different woman every night.
And you should see these babes!

In fact, they're so hot,
I wait for them to get in the elevator,

and then,
I run all the way up to the roof deck.

- Why did you stop talking?
- Shut up. Let me watch.

- I almost forgot.
- What?

I have to make a phone call.
It'll just take a minute.

I'm sorry, but it's important.

But...

There you are. I'm home.

Of course, I'm expecting you.

- Bring Esmeralda, too.
- You're inviting friends over? Now?

Only for a few minutes.

And now, excuse me for a moment.
Why don't you make us some Martinis?

- Isn't it a bit strange to...?
- No, it's not strange. Just a minute.

- So he walked out on her?
- Shut up. Hang on a second.

Yes.

- Dear, you haven't told me if you like me.
- What, are you modeling clothes now?

- Darling, it's a very slimming outfit.
- Thank you.

It might as well be painted on.
Here you go.

- Not bad, right?
- Uh-huh.

Cheers.

- Shall we put on some music?
- Yes.

- Something we can dance to.
- Mm-hmm.

What a woman. So passionate.
Would you like to dance?

- So all they did was dance?
- No.

- Why are you taking off your glasses?
- I have to clean them.

I don't have windshield wipers, you know.

Darling, I feel your strong, mature body.
Hold me tight, cling to me.

Do you have any idea
the things we could do?

Dear, you will be fulfilled.
Be patient. Let's warm the engine.

My engine's already overheating.
How annoying.

- I'll get it.
- Five minutes and we're kicking them out.

- Hi, guys!
- A new outfit! It looks great.

These are my favorite colors.
Darling, these are my friends.

- Nice to meet you.
- Giorgio, Esmeralda, Tina.

- Tina, I love you already.
- Come on in.

- You're so sexy.
- It's a new outfit. I had it custom made.

- It looks great. Is he expensive?
- Not at all. He charges by the hour.

- Collangeli made this one for me.
- Collangeli is expensive.

- Yes, but he's a huge man.
- Have a seat.

Would you like a drink?

- Esmeralda.
- Yes?

- Would you like a drink?
- A Martini, heavy on the gin.

- All right.
- Make it a whiskey.

- Tina, what's your opinion on sex?
- I don't really have one.

- May I suggest one?
- What do they see in breasts?

- Industrial scale milk producers.
- She was rubbing all up against me.

You can imagine. I was so embarrassed.

- Animal.
- Don't get upset. She came onto me.

Are you jealous, now?
You have to trust me.

- Stop it. You're a whore.
- If you don't calm down, it's over.

I'll change the record.
Here's your whiskey, sis.

- She's your sister?
- No, my brother.

- Thanks, Blondie.
- Let's dance. It's a wild shake.

- Won't you join us, Gianni?
- No, let the delicate flower drink.

He may be drinking,
but I came here with him.

- We all make mistakes sometimes.
- No, please, excuse me.

- Where are you going?
- Gianni.

- He's busy.
- What are you doing here all alone?

- Come on. Come dance with me.
- What a drag.

- Dance then. Spin around.
- You're always flirting.

No, no, no.

- Do you live far away?
- Not far enough.

- You're a model. Maybe even an actress.
- Uh-uh.

You could become one.
I know everyone. Do you want my help?

- What are those two doing?
- Guess.

- They're dancing by themselves?
- They do a lot of things by themselves.

I'm getting fed up now.
What kind of manners are these?

- Didn't they fill you in?
- The dance is over.

- And I'm all out of patience.
- Right. We have business to discuss.

- Right, Gianni?
- Yes. I don't know what's eating her.

- Gianni, you're doing business now?
- After you.

Darling, why do you think babies
are born in cabbage patches?

Because there's no such thing
as a faggot patch.

Boy is she dumb. She still didn't get it?

At the end of the day,
women are still women.

Actually, sometimes even men are women.

I may be old fashioned, but without women,
I might as well be without air.

I'm without air, with your cigar smoke.

- What about marijuana smokers?
- Mari-what?

I don't know. I read about it.
Maybe it's a spice, like cloves.

- Go on with the story.
- Hey, hold your horses.

If I wait any longer,
my milk will turn into cheese.

- You can leave, you know.
- No.

Then let's get something straight.
There was the homosexual guy.

Then there was the sexual woman,
or the pervert, or whatever.

- So she's a Les.
- What a waste, these sexual women.

We'd better turn it off.

Do you have to stare at me like that?
Is something wrong with me?

- On the contrary.
- What, then?

I'm looking at a girl who could go far,
because she's got beauty and class.

- Far how?
- You could do anything. Films, fashion.

You might even marry a celebrity.

- Like Onassis, you mean?
- Exactly. Even him.

- What about Jackie?
- Shelved. She's last year's model.

- I wouldn't marry him, if I were you.
- No way, I get seasick.

You could do better, if you're ambitious
and very, very uninhibited.

- Enough to sleep with a famous man?
- Or with a famous woman.

- A woman?
- Of course.

- Are you crazy?
- No, I'm a woman of my time.

Don't you go to the movies?
Read books? Go to the theater?

- Yes, but I like men.
- Well, good luck finding one.

But whether you sleep with a man
or a woman, it's always fun.

It's a matter of combining
business with pleasure.

- Do you think that's appropriate?
- No, I think it's smart.

Why let yourself go to waste?

You drive both men and women crazy.
Take advantage of it.

Making love is a healthy form of exercise.

It can give you pleasure, money,
and success.

I feel like an athlete, but I like
to work out with the man of my choice.

- Like Gianni?
- Why, don't you like Gianni?

I like him, but you won't get lucky
with him. You're not his type.

You're not a fireman. You don't have
a mustache or a hairy chest.

And guess what else you don't have?

I'm sorry, but I don't believe you.
That's just the way he appears.

Perhaps. He has good taste in women.

And this time he's beaten
all previous records.

Thank you. It's rare for a woman
to compliment another like a man.

Unless she has ulterior motives.

Darling, I would be an idiot
if I acted without a motive.

First, I want to arouse your curiosity,
so that later I can enlighten you.

And if after all this hard work,
instead of a cup of hot broth,

I enjoy a healthy workout. Ask Gianni.

There's nothing wrong with that.

Gianni's taste is so refined
that he wouldn't even be surprised.

You know, I don't really understand you.
But I don't like how you speak of Gianni.

If his taste is so refined,
that's a good thing.

- It just makes him more elegant.
- Well said, Snow White.

It's merely a question of elegance.

He wouldn't think it elegant
to make love to you.

I, on the other hand, would not hesitate.

- I'm just saying.
- Okay, but let's change the subject.

- Are you insulted?
- Yes, I am.

Because I think you're beautiful? Okay,
Snow White, what shall we talk about?

- Gianni.
- Gianni?

- What if you're disappointed?
- Tell me everything you know about him.

- I met him three years ago.
- Did you sleep with him?

Actually, it didn't even cross my mind.
I met him at a club.

- A club for peculiar people.
- What do you mean?

Very strange people.

You three, put your hands in the air
and take your positions, okay?

Hold the position, please.
Hold still, as still as statues.

Second position, yes. Very nice.

- If I were a man I would adore you.
- Well, if I were a woman...

Look at that dreamboat over there.
Did he just step out of a western?

We don't do such things in Switzerland.

- What do you see in her?
- A lot of things.

Whatever.

Who should make the first move?
You know, you're really nuts.

Okay, you can have her.

Good evening.

- Are you bored, Curly, all by yourself?
- Nein, danke. I not here alone.

I come here with Gianni.

Look, isn't this exciting?

- What is it?
- Excuse me.

Hello, dear.

You know Gianni? He nice man.
He no touch ass just because I Swiss.

- Here men are not so banal.
- This true also in Switzerland.

Would you like a caramel ice cream
or a hazelnut chocolate?

- Could I also have some orange juice?
- You'll have that and much more.

You is very nice.
Have you ever been to Switzerland?

- Many cows.
- But you're so young.

What are you doing? Get back in position.

Just like before. Hands above your heads.

Second position, yes.
I've never been so disappointed.

You're naked, but you're not sexy.

You're acting as if this were
your military check-up.

- Me come in here?
- Yes, Curly.

- Thank you.
- It's a photographer's studio.

- No one will bother us here.
- I like this.

You take my picture here?
I no go to hairdresser. My curls not done.

Relax, Curly.
Everything will be fine. You'll see.

You know what we're going to do?

Let's take a photo.
Actually, I already have a model in mind.

You'll see. You'll have a smashing career.

- Dear, here.
- Yes?

- Just a minute.
- What can I do for you?

A test for this handsome young man.

- A close-up.
- Yes, sir.

And a full body.
But make him look his best.

- Of course, sir.
- It's important to me.

- You'll see.
- Please, come with me.

Tomorrow would have been better.
I was with a girl...

- This way.
- ...but I don't see her.

You're not just beautiful.
You're spectacularly elegant.

- Would you like your photo on the cover?
- Yes.

- You just have to want it.
- It's always been my dream.

- I will clear the way for you.
- Really?

I'll teach you entirely new things.
We may still be in time.

- Come with me. Look, look.
- Here?

We may still be in time
for a prestigious weekly.

- Really? Which one?
- Sex on the Farm.

- Two million subscribers.
- Wow.

- Can I buy a copy?
- They would like nothing better.

- Make a sexy pose.
- Like this?

You're so firm, darling.
Hold it right there. You're fabulous.

- Don't move. This is going to be great.
- I do other sexy poses in Switzerland.

- So you're an expert.
- Like this?

Do whatever you want.
But stop wiggling, you heifer.

I'm Mediterranean and I'll get aroused.

You're so beautiful.
One more. Hold it. One more.

Darling, you're making me so horny.
Hold still. Your skin is flawless.

- My skin?
- It's out of this world.

- Get undressed.
- Who, me?

- Of course.
- Me get undressed, here?

- Yes, take your dress off.
- I no do this. I naked underneath.

- Let's have a look.
- Almost naked.

Darling, we're both women.
I've seen so many girls naked.

You no look. I never get undressed
in Switzerland in public.

You can do it. You're so beautiful.
You'll look even better naked.

You don't wear a bra.
Of course, you don't need one.

- I do... I do this?
- Move around. Let yourself go.

Is this better?
Or you want other positions?

- Yes, yes.
- This position?

- Try another one, as well, dear.
- I know many positions. Is this better?

- Any position.
- What you say you want, I do.

- Really?
- What you want from me?

You'll see, darling. And you'll like it.

In other words,
I met Gianni in a den of perverts.

- Yes, but he was there with a girl.
- He was with a girl tonight, as well.

Wake up, Snow White.

You came here to make love with Gianni,
but no dice.

Tell me, dummy,
must you make love only with a man?

I've never done the sordid things
you're talking about.

If you've never done them,
how do you know they're sordid?

I used to be like you.
I only slept with men.

Then one day I met a woman.
She was so sweet and tender.

- After that, I stopped sleeping with men.
- Well, I guess we're different.

- I like Gianni.
- That's bad. Very bad.

Gianni doesn't love you. He loves Giorgio.

- What are you insinuating? That Gianni...
- Exactly.

- That he's abnormal.
- Darling, there are more precise terms.

- Open the door, and you'll see.
- There's no way those two...

I wouldn't bet on it.
See for yourself. Go on.

I can't believe it.

Poor thing.

Come on. I had to do it.

It's absurd. It's so unfair.

I'm sorry. One man is disgusting enough.
Imagine two of them.

Where have I ended up?
I want to leave. I want to leave!

I didn't think there were
people like you in the world.

You think we're monsters just because
we have a different way of making love?

How did we become this way?
I've slept with a thousand men.

You've never slept with a woman, though.

- The thingy.
- What?

- The thingy. I can't find it.
- It's just getting interesting.

I have to go get it.

- What are you going to get?
- Damn it, the thingy.

- The thing you take to the races.
- Oh, a horse.

- You need a horse on the roof deck?
- What horse?

Would I have a horse in a drawer?
No, that thing you take to the opera.

- The opera? Oh, the truck-sedo.
- The what?

The truck-sedo, the black suit
with the hard shirt on your stomach.

- Oh, a tuxedo.
- What did I say?

Get out of here. I'm looking
for the thingy. Maybe it's up there.

- A tuxedo on the roof deck.
- That's what I was saying.

If you don't need it, why waste time?
You can look for it tomorrow.

Tomorrow! Where the heck did I put it?

The thingy they have in the navy,
where you focus by turning the wheel.

Oh, a cannon. Are you crazy,
going up to the roof with a cannon?

What cannon? Here it is. What's it called?

Oh, binoculars. Why didn't you say so?

The thing you take to the theater
and the races.

Hurry up.
We're going to miss the best part.

- Hurry up. Can't you go faster?
- This is like an obstacle course.

Finally. Wow, what a clear image.

- What do you see?
- Nothing.

- A feather.
- You're looking at a feather?

- But she's naked.
- Naked?

- Why did you put the binoculars down?
- They're fogging up.

- No!
- It's so good. Just a little longer.

- Please, just a little longer.
- No!

Why not? It's so good.

Keep it down. People are sleeping.

Oh, yeah? Well, then let's wake them up.
Let go of my dress!

You ripped it, damn you.
You disgust me! You're disgusting!

Let go of me, you pig! Let go!

- You can't see anything?
- Sure. It's hilarious!

- Let go of me, you sleazeball.
- Let Esmeralda get a good look at you.

Earlier you were rubbing up against me
like a bitch in heat.

If you have an itch,
why not let Esmeralda scratch it?

Esmeralda is very experienced. Ouch!

I left my mark on you.

Why didn't you intervene?
You're the doorman.

Who, me? This stuff happens every night.

- Is all this stuff true?
- Of course. I saw it with my own eyes.

None of this is true.
Or, if you wish, it's all true.

Three different versions:
his, hers and the doorman's.

Which do you believe, huh?

Which of the three told the truth?
Who lied? Huh?

Let's see.
It rains for 40 days and 40 nights.

It's the great flood.
Do you remember Noah's Ark?

It was a rather important event.
And those who survived thanks to the ark,

certainly didn't give entirely different
versions of the story.

And yet, even in reference to the flood,
each witness must have told his own tale.

Look.
Let's pretend that this is Noah's wife.

If someone had asked her, “Excuse me.
Do you remember what the flood was like?”

Sure I do. Forty days and 40 nights
with all those animals. What a stench.

And that's all she would remember
about the flood.

Now, let's listen to another witness.

Let's pretend that this is the dove
who carried the olive branch.

Let's ask her,
“What do you remember of the flood?”

I remember when I came out.
It had been raining.

I saw an olive tree
where seven male carrier pigeons perched.

Afterwards, I came back with this branch,

my only souvenir of a sweet,
unforgettable and foo brief great flood.

Yes, it all depends on your point of view.
The same thing can be seen differently.

Shall we ask someone else?
Let's hear the testimony of a third party.

She, the giraffe.

For 40 days and 40 nights,

on that tiny ark, she was saved
together with the other animals.

Who knows if she ever remembered
those dramatic 40 days?

The Great Flood? You bet!
I still have a stiff neck.

That's right. The Ark was a humble craft,
probably a bit too low for a giraffe.

In any case, there are three witnesses.

Each of them experienced the flood,
and they each said something different.

But all three told the truth.
Each one of them.

Because no one ever sees
the same things others see.

These are just blots. Random blots.

And yet, when our patients look at them,
they each see something unique.

Something no one else sees.

Something that, since there are
no images there, belongs only to them.

Something that
he unwittingly projects on the ink blots.

Or something she projects onto them,
without realizing it.

Or that the doorman projects,
without even being aware of it.

But the truth...
The truth is always different.

Are you interested?
Let's see how things might have gone.

I'm glad you tripped over my dog.

You're a sadist.

You know something?
I wish this day would never end.

We can make it last longer.
We can go out tonight.

We could go dancing,
or wherever you want to go.

It took you long enough to ask.

- Oh, look at the time.
- You're right.

You know, Tina, you're the sweetest
and most tender girl I've met.

So are you. You're so nice.

I'm sorry.
When I go out, my mother waits up for me.

I don't want to go, but
I must ask you to take me home, please.

And this way you can prove to me
that you're not one of those gropers.

You're right. I'm glad you noticed.

But I'd like to convince you.

- Won't you come to my place?
- To your place?

- You're trying to prove the opposite.
- Not at all. Let me finish.

I'll prove to you that I'm serious.
And you can prove that you trust me.

You should be a lawyer.

I accept, but on one condition.

- Name it.
- The door has to stay open.

It's not that I'm afraid of you, Gianni,
but we've had such a lovely time so far.

Wouldn't it be a shame to ruin it?

Did you think Dracula was hiding here?

To everything we are not going to ruin.

- It's time for me to go.
- In a while. It's not late.

All right, in a while.
I'm not stuck up or prejudiced.

I'm not frigid, not at all.
But I like to admire things,

to earn them by desiring them
for a very long time.

- Does that upset you?
- Not at all.

But if I think of how much I want you,
I have already earned you.

I want you too. I feel exactly as you do.

But not yet.
Longing is its own kind of joy, right?

Take me home.
If you don't hurry up, I'll rape you.

Let's go.

- Damn it.
- What's wrong?

I can't get it opened.
The lock's jammed again.

I'll have to wake the doorman.
I hope he hears the bell.

I don't understand.
I'll see if I can wake him up.

I'll wait here.

- There you are.
- Gianni.

I knocked and knocked, but no answer.

- What shall we do?
- We'll have to wait.

- I'm sorry.
- Okay, but we'll have to wait here.

Listen, if I lift you up,
do you think you can climb over?

- What about you?
- I'd follow you.

Help me up.

Take your time. It's like a ladder,
one foot after the other.

The steps are high, though.

Ouch, my foot.
What happened to your forehead?

- You scratched me when you fell.
- I'm so clumsy.

Don't worry about it.
I'm sorry about your dress.

My mother is the only one who will mind.
I'll have to tell her a fib.

- Tell her I tried to rape you.
- You're nuts.

- It's late.
- It's almost 2:00 AM.

- All we can do is wait. Let's sit down.
- Good idea.

- She'd never believe you tried to rape me.
- Would she believe you fell off a gate?

You're right.

- Are you uncomfortable?
- No.

Let's go up to my place.
I'll be a good boy.

- I wouldn't be a good girl.
- All right, then.

Thank you.

This is not a job. It's slavery.

Who is it? The lock again? I'm coming.

Tomorrow, either they change the lock,
or they'll have to change the doorman.

- Does he sleep with his clothes on?
- He doesn't sleep. He's a vampire.

Did you have to wait long?
I'm sorry. I had to put my cap on.

- Of course, dear.
- You're the dear.

I'm the doorman, and you're a dear.
Two very different jobs.

There.

See? I'm good at opening the gate.
You, a dear, are good at...

- What are you good at?
- No comment.

- Excuse me. Don't close it!
- Even the benches are fair game.

You've really got stamina, Mr. Gianni.

- How sweet. A man and a woman.
- To some they might seem crazy.

- Tomorrow we can tell Spartaco.
- Spartaco is in jail.

- A woman reported him.
- Why, what did he do to her?

- Not to her, to her husband.
- Spartaco is obsessed.

Why does he chase after married men?

Do you believe that?

Do you really think
that's how their evening went?

Come on. Would a nice girl
go to a man's house at night,

having just met him,
provided he leave the door open?

She went up to his place,
she's there at this late hour.

She lets him kiss her.
If he decides to get rough,

what good is the open door to her?

If she screams, she'll wake the neighbors.
They'll call the police,

and she'll get arrested
for disturbing the peace and lewd acts,

even if they were performed
with the door open.

Besides, do you believe the story
of the front yard?

They're locked in. They can't get out.
Why not wake a neighbor?

Why doesn't he climb over?
Would he really let her fall?

That's not how he got that scratch.
That's not how the dress was ripped.

Or perhaps it all seems absurd
precisely because it's true.

Or perhaps the truth is something else
altogether, who knows?

The only thing we know for sure is
that when they got out,

he didn't drive her home.

Nor did she ask it of him.

They drove toward the seaside.
They saw the sun come up.

And for the others, but only for others,
it was a day like any other.

THE END

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