Original subtitles

[ Gasps, applause ]

Behold the box of death.

[ Audience gasps ]

A replica of the one found in the dungeon

of the Marquis de Sade in 1814.

Prepare to be amazed!

[ Audience gasps ]

But first, I need a volunteer from the audience.

You, sir.

[ Applause ]

And now I shall be secured inside this formidable

box of death.

[ Audience gasps ]

Watch the rope burn

and pray that I can make my escape

before the blades above can seal my fate.

[ Audience gasps ]

♪♪

♪♪

[ Audience gasps ]

♪♪

[ Woman screams ]

[ Audience gasping ]

[ Theme music plays ]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[ Bird cawing ]

[ Creaking ]

The Great Faldini.

[ Applause ]

- I don't know how we're expected to beat that.

It was marvelous. Bravo.

You haven't seen my Tina yet.

- Right. Now if somebody could clear this blood up, please.

And if The Great Faldini could move his prop

to the back of the stage so we can carry on the rehearsals.

Judges will be here -- ooh -- just under two hours.

- So how did you get out? - Mind your own business, squirt.

Magicians' secrets,

Magicians' secrets, eh, Terry?

Oh, didn't see you there, Len.

How's business?

- Oh, you know. You've taken most of it.

- Oh, you can have your poxy kids' parties.

I'll be out of Great Slaughter for good with this new act.

- New? Oh, that's a good one.

- Come on, Len. It's not worth it.

Hey, he's right, old boy.

Time to walk away.

Just like your customers have.

[ Audience gasps ]

- Break it up! That's enough, both of ya!

Um, Sister,

I have a receipt here for, um, strumpets.

- I should've been a doctor. That would be crumpets.

- But it's for seven guineas and 12 shillings.

- Yes, well, at an average of 2.5 a day,

at a cost of two pence a crumpet --

however, given the said amount being consumed in entirety

by an employee of the police,

it's been submitted as a police expense.

It's a fair cop.

Where do you want these?

- Sir, if you could -- if you could possibly --

Yep. Audit.

Mm, nasty business.

I don't see why we should have to account for every last groat.

We should be guarding the law, not counting beans.

Hear, hear.

- Anyway, one of you lot is off the hook

because WPC Barton is visiting some sick aunt in Salisbury and,

well, I need someone with me.

With you where, sir?

- I'm head judging the talent show.

[ Laughs ]

And Button was down for security duty.

So who fancies a fast from pesky paperwork for a couple of days?

You go.

Me?

- Give you a chance to absorb the local culture.

Engage with the community.

But what about this?

Well...

Consider it done. You deserve a break from paperwork.

Splendid!

That's settled, then.

♪♪

♪♪

Sir, may I ask,

why do you need police presence at the village talent show?

- Ho, ho, ho! It can get rather heated.

There's already been a scuffle, I hear.

And this year, the world, his wife and their dog have entered

on account of there being a £500 prize pot.

Wow. That is a lot of money.

- Well, it's the 50th anniversary of the talent show.

And Sir Tristan Leakey has offered it to promote

the cultural life of the village,

along with a cup in his name.

The Leakey cup?

- Oh, yes, an unfortunate stipulation,

but, well, gift horse looked in the mouth and all that.

Ah!

Morning, Tom. [ Chuckles ]

Heard you all doing a soliloquy. What's it to be?

Or nar ta be. Harret.

Oh, iconic.

Eh?

The bard at his very finest.

Don't you think, Sergeant?

A particular favorite of mine.

[ Clears throat ]

Ar got you a'lar somming.

What, what, what?

[ Sniffing ]

Oh, truffle.

Where on Earth, if you'll pardon the pun,

did you unearth this treasure trove?

- Oh, of course. Wouldn't want to spread it about.

Well, jolly decent of you, Tom.

- Sir, couldn't that be considered bribery?

Not if he doesn't win.

Ah! Miss Beaufort.

Chief Constable Hector Lowsley. Are you lost?

- Well, I'm looking for the dressing tent.

I wanted to wish the contestants luck.

Miss Beaufort, may I introduce my daughter, Tina Tiny.

You may have heard of her.

Oh, she's making quite a name for herself.

- Hello, Tina. I like your costume.

- How old are you? - 11.

The little girl with a big voice.

- Well, I hope you break a leg in the heats.

Oh. Welcome to the heats

of the 50th Great Slaughter talent competition.

I'm your compere, Ted Button.

And your judges -- Sir Tristan Leakey,

this year's generous benefactor,

Chief Constable Lowsley,

and local celebrity judge, Jane Beaufort.

- Celebrity. [Sniffs] I've never heard of her.

- Today will be entirely devoted to the heats due to

the unusually high number of entrants.

- They're only here for the prize money.

- With the audience finals tomorrow afternoon.

- Tina Tiny is a rising child star.

You should be grateful to have her.

- Yeah, right. Who wants to see a poor man's Shirley Temple?

- You should be disqualified. And Creepy Cuddles.

That's Curly Cuddles.

- All right, now, let's keep things cordial.

- Remember, folks, it's all about the taking part, yeah?

[ Mid-tempo piano music plays ]

♪ Once I stood ♪

♪ In the shadows ♪

♪ Never seen ♪

♪ Never heard ♪

♪ Always looked in the mirror ♪

♪ Feeling false ♪

♪ Quite absurd ♪

♪ Then I found ♪

♪ A new sound ♪

♪ From inside, no need to hide ♪

♪ I was there ♪

♪ Now I'm here ♪

♪ I can finally be me ♪

♪ Flying free ♪

[ Applause ]

- Well, let's hear it for Tina Tiny,

the little lady with a big, big voice.

- Your timing was off on the offbeat double-hop turn.

Let's hope it won't cost you a place in the final.

Stop squirming!

- in the refreshments tent, and we recommence in one hour.

- Where do you think you're going?

- Now watch as I, Curly Cuddles the Conjurer,

dare to escape from this rope.

♪♪

♪♪

[ Scissors sawing ]

Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.

- Put your hands together for Curly Cuddles!

[ Polite applause ]

Now, if there are any members of the audience

with a nervous disposition,

can they kindly leave the hall now?

Because the next act, the Great Faldini,

will attempt the box of death.

Ooh!

[ Audience gasps ]

[ Dramatic music plays ]

Behold the box of death.

But first, I need a volunteer from the audience.

Perhaps our esteemed judge will do the honors.

No.

Well, up you go, then.

- An honor to have Miss Jane Beaufort

as my assistant.

And now...

Miss Beaufort shall secure this formidable box of death.

♪♪

Watch the rope as it burns and pray that the Great Faldini

can make his escape before the blades above

seal his fate.

♪♪

♪♪

[ Audience gasps ]

- Well, this will be the one to beat. [ Chuckles ]

♪♪

Keeping us on tenterhooks, eh? [ Chuckles ]

♪♪

♪♪

[ Audience gasping ]

[ Gasps ]

♪♪

The victim is Terry Smith, a.k.a. the Great Faldini,

also available for weddings,

children's parties, and bar mitzvahs.

- Well, no need to ask the cause of death.

- It's a variation on a trick by Andre Kole.

The magician climbs into the box and is shut inside,

the candle lit to burn through the rope

and release the knives.

- Well, I'm assuming it didn't go according to plan.

- Well, the rope ignited and burnt through under 10 seconds,

giving the poor soul no time to make his escape.

[ Shoes squeaking ]

- Do you mind? This is a crime scene.

- I'm sorry. I'll be quiet as a church mouse.

[ Shoes squeaking ]

- So, misadventure. Well, that makes things simpler.

Have a sniff at that.

I'll wager some sort of accelerant,

in which case this was no magical misadventure.

It's murder.

- Right. Well, I'll leave you to take witness statements.

I need to get back to the station.

I have an audit to finish.

♪♪

♪♪

Anything of interest?

- "Terry, I'll put an end to this once and for all.

Debra."

- Well, we've got a "Diandra the poet,"

a cellist named Diana,

and Della the dog hypnotist, but no Debra.

You said the Great Faldini

did a technical rehearsal this morning.

And then the prop was moved to the back of the stage.

Who was in there?

Anyone and everyone.

The contestants were rehearsing until the heats started.

The only time the hall was empty was during the tea break.

- When everyone was in the tea tent.

Correct.

Well, no.

Now I come to think of it,

I don't think I saw the kid and her mother.

- Did, um -- Did Terry's

technical run-through go smoothly, Ted?

[ Exhales ]

- Terry and I were partners for 10 years.

"The Clown and the Magician."

That was up until six months ago when he decided that clowns

were old hat and I was holding the act back.

Turned out he was right. The business dried up.

And no one wants a clown without a magician.

Then what happened today?

- Well, I came in here and he was lording it up with his new act.

He goes to me, "Hey, Leonard. How's business?"

I just lost it.

But I-I wouldn't wish that upon him.

- No. - One more thing.

Does the name Debra mean anything to you?

Debra?

He had an assistant years ago.

Debra Cadabra, but I don't know her real name.

Can you describe her?

Well, I've only seen a photo,

but it is typical Terry.

Blonde. 10 years younger. Curvy.

- Classic magician's assistant. - All right.

Thank you, Mr. Cuddles.

[ Sighs ] Poor Terry, eh?

Still, at least the kid'll win now.

[ Shoes squeaking ]

- You weren't in the refreshments tent during the tea break.

We stayed behind.

Tina needed to work on her routine.

We missed tea.

- I don't think you need any more feeding. Do you?

- Did anyone come in while you were there?

No.

- And you were together the entire time?

Yes.

- Weren't we, Tina. - Yes.

Stop biting your fingernails.

- Where's the other entrance to the hall?

- So the saboteur must have entered this way

unseen by Sylvie and her daughter.

- When the contestants were in the tea tent.

Although, arguably, one of them

could have slipped out unnoticed.

[ Gasps ] Oh.

Sorry.

My nerves are rather frayed.

- Yes, I can imagine. - The poor man.

Were you in the tea tent

for the duration of the break earlier?

Um, most of it, yes.

I, uh, powdered my nose before I returned to the hall.

- Can I ask if the Great Faldini's behavior

seemed, well, normal?

Was he distracted or worried about the performance?

- He was in his element, relishing the theater.

What a terrible way to die.

If you'll forgive me, I could do with a lie down.

Of course.

♪♪

Care to share, Felix?

- She seemed ill at ease when she was called on the stage.

Strange for an actress, no?

- Or perhaps she was simply caught off-guard.

Now, time for some tests.

Do you think he was murdered?

- The police are presently treating it

as an unexplained death.

- Settle down. Settle down. Settle down.

Terry, above all else, was a showman.

And despite the untimely and unfortunate nature

of his demise,

I believe he would say the show must go on.

Hear, hear.

- All in favor? Right.

So if we're all agreed,

the heats will resume tomorrow morning

with the finals in the afternoon as scheduled.

[ Pencil scribbling, liquid boiling ]

♪♪

Fascinating.

[ Sighs ] Oh!

- Morning, Sister. - Oh, good morning, Sam.

Good news -- I've identified our murder weapon,

otherwise known as the accelerant.

It's hairspray.

Used by half the population.

Present company excepted, Sister.

- Uh, no, it's -- it's not human hairspray.

It's industrial strength,

designed for use on synthetic wigs.

- The sort of thing a clown might use?

Oh, yes, exactly.

- Okay. I think we should have a word with Mr. Cuddles.

- You go. I'd love to, but there's

a renegade flock of sheep blocking the high street.

Can't PC McGrew handle it?

- It's carnage out there, apparently.

Fill me in later.

- He's acting rather strangely. - Hmm.

- Almost like he's pulling the wool over our eyes.

[ Chuckles ] Sorry.

What are you looking for?

- Do you own a kind of synthetic wig hairspray?

- Yes, but someone swiped it yesterday.

Okay. Very convenient.

Oh, hey, don't go in there.

- Mr. Cuddles, I would like you to accompany me

to the station for questioning.

So tell us about the missing hairspray.

Why are you asking?

- Well, because that specific type of hairspray

was applied to the rope before Terry's death.

- It was in my prop box. I left it in the village hall.

You were there when I went to fetch it.

I mean, anyone could have swiped it.

You -- You can't pin this on me.

- Can you explain how you came across

the Great Faldini's notebook?

- A magician and his secrets are never parted.

But now the magician is dead and said book in your possession.

I think you'll agree, an explanation is in order.

- I wanted proof. - Of what?

Terry didn't come up with the box of death.

I did. Look.

See?

That -- that's my handwriting. See how it's different?

I didn't want him winning £500 on an idea he'd stolen from me.

I just wanted my fair share, that's all.

- How did you get it? - It was in the tea interval.

He kept it locked inside his trunk.

But I knew the combination.

I'd seen him do it a thousand times.

I didn't kill him.

It was my only chance of getting some cash.

I'm hardly going to win, am I?

During the interval, did you

see anyone else at the back of the village hall?

No. Oh, yeah. Just the kid.

♪♪

♪♪

It's all right. I won't tell.

Cake's long gone, but I think I can maybe rustle something up.

- Need to wash behind your ears. - Thank you.

You did good out there, kid.

- I messed up. - You want to see a mess?

Watch me. Chin up.

Oh, I've seen some pushy mothers in my time, but hers?

Oh, she takes the biscuit.

You aren't in any trouble.

It's just very important that you tell us the truth.

- You said you were with your mother rehearsing

for the entire tea break.

That wasn't true.

No.

- Knees, arms, curtsy hands, and dimple.

I don't need to practice.

I-I know -- I know it by heart.

- Do you want to beat that magician or not?

I have to pop out for half an hour.

But where are you going?

You aren't a baby.

I need some time to myself. Now keep practicing.

No stopping till I get back.

♪♪

- But you didn't stay and practice.

I was so hungry.

Mummy's put me on a diet, so I wasn't allowed tea.

They leave the leftovers at the back of the tea tent.

- Did you come straight back to the hall?

- Yeah. Mummy was back soon after.

- Just before the break was over. - Thank you, Tina.

And do you know where we might find your mother?

- You won't tell her, will you? About the food?

- Mum's the word. I mean, um, your secret's safe with us.

♪♪

Who told you that?

- A witness saw you leaving the village hall.

I was meeting...

a friend.

Oh, a gentleman friend.

- There's no need to look like that.

My husband died 10 years ago,

leaving me two baby girls to bring up by myself.

A woman gets lonely, you know.

And Tina has a sister.

Had.

She died of measles six weeks after this was taken.

I'm so sorry.

Chalk and cheese.

One naturally sunny and outgoing.

The other quiet and reserved.

Still...

I still have one bright star.

So if you don't mind...

I have some notes for Tina to work through.

I will attempt to interview the mime artist.

And in the meantime,

there's a missing can of hairspray still unaccounted for.

Hey, where are you off to?

I'm announcing the finalists soon.

Seriously, Ted.

- Where's your fighting spirit? - [ Sighs ]

- Died with Terry. - You're not missing him?

No, no. He was a swine.

But I can't blame him for leaving me, though.

I'm the worst clown in the country.

- Remember our Peg doll's 8th birthday party?

You really made her day with them balloon animals

and squirty flowers and squeaky shoes.

Never in my life have I seen a man pratfall like you.

Yeah, but...

I was at the top of my game then, Ted.

But no one wants clowns anymore.

- No, what they don't want is clowns trying to be a magician.

Mate, if you get through to the finals,

you've got to remember something.

You're a clown.

Be a clown.

Hmm?

♪♪

- [ Humming Offenbach's "Can-Can" ]

Sister.

- Sister? - Oh.

- Oh, hello. - Sylvie's gentleman friend,

he confirms that he was with her between 3:15 and 3:45,

which still leaves 15 minutes unaccounted for.

Well, she's the right age.

Is it possible that she's the mysterious Debra Cadabra?

- I'll do some background checks.

Oh!

Oh, well, look at this.

One puzzle solved, at least.

I shall take this back to the lab and dust for prints.

- Competition has been very high this year.

So you can all be very proud of yourselves

just for being part of it.

But now, without further ado,

going through to the finals this afternoon,

and in no particular order, are --

Martin Marceau the Mime...

Contortionist Carla...

Tom Thomas...

Della the dog hypnotist...

The Belles of Great Slaughter...

Curly Cuddles...

And last but by no means least, except in terms of stature,

it's Tina Tiny!

[ Laughing ]

- Now, those of you still in the competition,

meet backstage in 20 minutes.

This is a fast turnaround.

♪♪

♪♪

- Uh, Miss Beaufort, please, can you sign my program?

I'd be delighted.

- She wasn't her best in the heats.

I'm sure she'll impress you more today, won't you, Tina?

I'm sure she will.

- Oh, uh, I hope you'll give my card to your husband.

He was always on the lookout for the next child star.

Of course.

♪♪

- I wonder if you'd oblige with one more.

If you'd make it to Sister Peter.

She's a huge fan of the Fanshaw saga.

Oh, how lovely.

♪♪

Thank you.

- My Lords, ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the finals

of the 50th Great Slaughter talent competition.

And have we got a show for you.

So put your hands together for our first act,

The Belles of Great Slaughter.

[ Applause ]

Three, two, one and...

[ Bells ringing tunefully ]

I think I found something.

No, no, no, no, not that. Something else.

The Belles of Great Slaughter!

Three, two, one and...

- That's the end, Dottie. Exit stage left.

Dottie, Dottie, Dottie.

Stage left.

- I happened to see Jane Beaufort signing an autograph

and noticed something sinister --

in the Latin sense, of course, meaning on the left.

She's left-handed.

So what?

- Do you remember the palm print on Debra Cadabra's note

on the right-hand side of the page?

Look at this.

It's where a left-handed person would rest their hand

so they can write, see?

Pound to a penny,

if we compare this to Debra Cadabra's note,

we'll have a match.

[ Boing! ]

[ Laughter ]

[ Upbeat music playing ]

Oh, thank you.

[ Whistle ]

[ Laughter ]

♪♪

[ Laughter ]

♪♪

[ Cheers and applause ]

♪♪

I don't have long, I'm afraid.

I'm needed back after the interval.

Did you write this?

Then you admit that you are Debra Cadabra?

Oh, I'm Jane Beaufort.

I was Debra Cadabra for less than two years.

Terry came up with the name, not me.

You were his assistant?

- I was 18 years old when he hired me.

He was 10 years older and a practiced seducer.

- You were in a relationship. What happened?

I fell pregnant.

Terry's future didn't include a child, so she was adopted.

I'm sorry for your loss.

Can you explain this?

- After I agreed to judge the talent show,

I received a card from Terry congratulating me

on my engagement to Simon

and saying he was looking forward to seeing me here.

- I assume you didn't take it at face value.

Knowing Terry, I assumed

it was a thinly veiled attempt at blackmail.

- But why now? Why would he do it after all these years?

- Terry wasn't interested in a bit-part actress.

But now I'm going to be the wife of Sir Simon Floyd Douglas,

a wonderful man whom I hope to have children with.

But there are parts of my life that I chose not to share,

and I had hoped for it to stay that way.

Did you confront him?

Well, after I arrived

for the heats on Friday, I went looking for him,

but he wasn't in his dressing area,

so I left the note.

The first time I saw him was when he called me up on stage.

- But as his assistant, you were familiar

- with these type of tricks? - Oh, no.

Escapeology wasn't Harry's thing when we worked together.

He just cut me in half and -- and pulled rabbits out of hats.

If you think I had anything to do with his death,

you are very much mistaken.

I need to get back.

♪♪

- Trying to save a future marriage.

It's quite the motive.

Na more.

Barr a sleep to say we und the harrt eche.

The harda usha sha-sha flesh is harta.

'Tis a constipation devoutly ta bae wisht.

Ta die, ta sleep.

Oi, there's a rabber.

- The bard at his most sublime. Always gets me.

[ Grunting ]

[ Applause ]

Oh!

[ Cheering ]

♪♪

- Terry was blackmailing Jane. He also stole Leonard's idea.

Then there's Sylvie, who wants her daughter to win at all cost.

Anything yet From the hairspray?

No fingerprints.

But I found some strange residues on the canister.

Just running some tests now.

Has Sam been briefed about Debra Cadabra?

Yes, he -- he ran to have a catch-up.

Made more dubious excuses.

- It can't be a woman. He'd be more cheerful.

- As well as smelling strongly of Claude Chang for men.

Let's examine this logically.

It started when CC Lowsley

asked for help for the talent show.

Then he abandoned a crime scene

when he should be interviewing key suspects.

There must be a link.

- Bingo! - Of course.

Denatonium benzoate.

Okay...

- A chemical often used as a bittering agent

in toxic products.

Here it's found along some interesting friends.

Look at this -- nitrocellulose and isopropyl alcohol.

But a mixture of all three would suggest

a substance applied to...

Oh, dear.

- Hmm? Isn't this good news?

I'm afraid not.

♪ Then I found ♪

♪ A new sound from inside ♪

♪ No need to hide ♪

♪♪

♪ I was there ♪

♪ Now I'm here ♪

♪ I can finally be me ♪

♪ Flying free ♪

[ Applause ]

- Let's hear it for Miss Tina Tiny!

Final act of the day.

And now there will be a break whilst the judges deliberate.

♪♪

- Did I win, Mummy? - No doubt.

No doubt, my angel.

Can we have a word, please?

- Curly Cuddles left his bag in the village hall.

Tina, did you take this can of hairspray from it?

No.

We think you did.

Then that you took it on stage.

- What do you think you're doing? You can't interrogate a child.

- I'm afraid I must, Mrs. Simmons,

because Tina was seen 'round the back of the hall

where the hairspray was found.

- A residue was found on the aerosol.

Denatonium benzoate.

It has an unbearably bitter taste

and so is often used in nail-biting remedies.

I'll need to swab your fingernails to see if they match.

This is nonsense.

Of course they won't be a match. Tell them, Tina.

I did it for you.

What?

She's lying.

I don't even know why she'd say that!

- Tina, I have to ask you, did you mean to kill him?

Of course she didn't kill him.

- Never use hairspray by a naked flame, you said,

or you'll burn like a Roman candle.

No.

I can't believe it.

You can't believe what she's saying.

- She's only 11. - I'm 14.

This is you.

You're Angela. Christina would be 11.

- Mummy changed my hair, my clothes and my name.

It's a stage name.

Our tribute to your sister

to keep her alive in our hearts.

- The Great Faldini discovered your secret, didn't he?

He walked in on me.

♪♪

♪♪

Well, well, well.

What have we here?

Not so tiny after all, are we, Tina?

I better go and talk to the judges.

It'll get you disqualified, I'm afraid.

Lying about your age.

- Please don't. You're going to win anyway.

- What does it matter? - Probably.

But you're my only real competition here.

You could pull out of the talent contest.

You get to keep your little secret,

and I get my prize money.

Win, win.

Mummy wouldn't let me.

It's up to you, sweetheart.

You were trapped.

If Terry revealed your age or if you quit the competition,

the illusion your mother had created would fall apart.

♪♪

♪♪

- I just wanted to make you proud, Mummy.

Make up for Christina's death.

I know you wish it was me that died instead.

I have never said that.

What will happen to me?

- You will be charged with murder

and taken to a young offenders' facility.

- You'll be treated very well, and your mother

will be able to visit.

- I want nothing more to do with her.

I knew you were wrong...

from the minute you were born.

A glass half-empty.

Whereas your sister...

It seems the wrong child did die.

♪♪

♪♪

Can I have something to eat?

Now, ladies and gentlemen,

the moment we've all been waiting for!

In third place...

[ Whispering ]

it's the Belles of Great Slaughter!

♪♪

♪♪

In second place,

the Laurence Olivier of our village,

Tom Thomas!

♪♪

[ Speaks unintelligibly ]

- [ Laughs ] Well said, Tom.

And finally,

the winner of the 50th Great Slaughter talent contest

and of the £500 cash prize,

ladies and gentlemen,

is Curly Cuddles!

- Oh, thank you, thank you. I can't...

I don't believe it.

Well, thank you, Great Slaughter.

And good night!

[ Cheers and applause ]

- Congratulations on solving the case.

- Two, if you include the Curious Case of the Invisible Inspector.

- What are you talking about. - Sergeant?

- Well, let's examine the facts. - I have an audit to finish.

There's a renegade flock of sheep blocking the High Street.

- We should have a word with Mr. Cuddles.

- Three related events with one common denominator.

Drinks are on me!

[ Cheering ]

Coulrophobia -- an irrational fear of clowns.

- It is not irrational. My parents took me to the circus

when I was age four, and there was a --

well, an incident.

Why didn't you tell us?

- Obviously, because you'd make fun of me.

- Phobias are no laughing -- no laughing matter.

[ Stifled laugh ]

[ Sighs ]

A worthy winner.

- Have you ever thought about having a go?

- Oh, I fear that would fall squarely under the sin of pride.

[ Applause ]

- ♪ There's luminol so you can see ♪

♪ Hemoglobin on the scene ♪

♪ If you've got some fire debris ♪

♪ Use gas chromatography ♪

♪ If blood grouping of ABO ♪

♪ Makes you let somebody go ♪

♪ All your tests are liminal ♪

♪ Use this to catch the criminal ♪

♪ Trace evidence always helps us solve the case ♪

♪ Edmund Lowcock said every contact leaves a trace ♪

♪ Classified, the information's need-to-know ♪

♪ Magnify the fibers, hairs, and clothes ♪

♪ And ash and glass and soil and tools ♪

♪ And marks and fragments, paint chips, fingerprints ♪

♪ Blood stains is the pattern shiny ♪

♪ Are the edges spiny? ♪

♪ Is the surface glass or wood or tile or fabric? ♪

♪ Suspect false documentation ♪

♪ Differentiation ♪

♪ Verify the handwriting's a match ♪

♪ Bang! Firearms ♪

♪ When used to provide harm ♪

♪ Check for powder on palms ♪

♪ Work out the trajectory and ammunition ♪

♪ Tool marks, tyre tracks, and footprints ♪

♪ Impressions left on chintz ♪

♪ Good to take a plaster mould or two ♪

Hey!

[ Cheers and applause ]

Sister?

Rather a shame, really.

[ Theme music plays ]

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