Original subtitles

WHOA! NOW, THAT'S A FINE ANIMAL!

OH, YEAH. GREAT STUD, I BET.

NOW, THE REAL ADVANTAGE OF BEING HERE TODAY

AT ATLANTIC CITY RACECOURSE TO BRING YOU THE WEATHER

IS THAT WE'VE GOT THE REAL THING.

NO BOARDS, NO MATS, NO PRETTY COMPUTER GRAPHICS.

UH-UH. THE REAL THING.

WE GOT THE REAL SUN, AS I PREDICTED.

WE'VE GOT THE REAL BLUE SKIES,

AS I PREDICTED.

HECK, WE EVEN GOT REAL HORSES,

AS I PREDICTED.

[LAUGHTER]

AND SPEAKING OF PREDICTIONS,

HEY, WE EVEN GOT A REAL WINNER.

OOH!

THIS IS TAYLOR WORTH,

CHANNEL 5 NEWS, PHILADELPHIA,

AND I'LL SEE YOU AT 11:00.

AND WE'RE CLEAR.

[CROWD TALKING]

LADIES' DAY AT THE RACES.

I'M A HAPPY GUY.

* WELL, I'VE SEEN SO MANY THINGS *

* I'VE BEEN ALL OVER THE WORLD *

* WELL, I'VE HAD UPS AND DOWNS *

* I DID IT ALL FOR A WHILE *

* I THOUGHT I KNEW EVERYTHING BETWEEN THE BAD AND THE GOOD *

* I GUESS I WAS WRONG BECAUSE I MISUNDERSTOOD *

* ABOUT GIRLS

* GIRLS

* WELL, I'VE BEEN SO MANY PLACES THAT I SHOULDN'T BE *

* BUT THEN IT FELT SO GOOD THAT IT WAS TORTURE TO LEAVE *

* THEY SAY YOU CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT 'EM *

* BUT CAN YOU LIVE WITH?

* I'M JUST ONE MAN WHO'S HAVIN' A FIT *

* WITH THOSE GIRLS *

* THEY WANT YOU TO TELL 'EM THAT YOU LOVE THEM *

* THEY'RE SOFT AND THEY'RE WARM WHEN YOU HUG THEM *

* THEY'LL TEASE YOU AND HURT YOU WHEN YOU NEED THEM *

* THEY SIGH WHEN YOU SAY THAT YOU'RE LEAVIN' *

* GIRLS

* TELL HER THAT I LOVE HER, TELL HER THAT I LOVE HER *

* TELL HER WHAT YOU WANT TO *

* DA DA DA DA DA DA DA DA DA DA *

* SHA NA NA NA DO DO DO DA DA DA *

* OH, GIRLS

* THEY WANT YOU TO TELL 'EM THAT YOU LOVE THEM *

* THEY'RE SOFT AND THEY'RE WARM WHEN YOU HUG THEM *

* THEY'LL TEASE YOU AND HURT YOU WHEN YOU NEED THEM *

* THEY CRY WHEN YOU SAY THAT YOU'RE LEAVIN' *

* GIRLS *

* GIRLS *

* GIRLS *

10, 20, 5, 50.

[CROWD TALKING]

NUMBER 7, MOVING MARCELLE, TO SHOW.

COME ON, NED, AT LEAST BET HIM TO WIN.

THANK YOU.

HI. $40, NUMBER 3,

MY CHARLIE'S ANGEL, TO WIN, PLEASE.

THANK YOU.

MY GAMBLING FUND'S A LITTLE LOW.

GAMBLING FUND? GAMBLING FUND?

YES.

NED, WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?

WHAT HAPPENED TO THE KID

WHO BET HIS FATHER'S GOLF CLUBS

ON CINDY BROWNELL'S BRA SIZE?

HEY, REMEMBER WHEN I BET MY SCHOLARSHIP MONEY

YOU'D FLUNK OUT BEFORE MIDTERMS?

YEAH. WHAT HAPPENED?

DADDY. DADDY. DADDY.

I SETTLED DOWN.

COME ON, PUMPKIN.

NED'S ACTUALLY A TERRIFIC GUY,

EXCEPT HE'S LOST HIS EDGE.

WHEN WE WERE 11,

HE DECIDED WE SHOULD GET MOHAWKS.

I SHAVED MY HEAD. HE LAUGHED FOR A MONTH.

YOU SEE THIS 50? AND YOU SEE THAT 50?

YEAH.

THEY'RE NOT THE SAME.

THEY'RE NOT?

NO. THIS IS 3 DAYS OF NURSERY SCHOOL TO ME.

AND WHAT'S THAT? CHAMPAGNE FOR 2?

SILK PANTIES FOR MONA.

MONA? DO I KNOW MONA?

NO. I HAVEN'T MENTIONED HER.

YOU'RE BUYING SILK PANTIES FOR A GIRL

YOU HAVEN'T EVEN MENTIONED TO ME?

NED, IT'S NOT IMPORTANT. DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.

THERE IS NO MONA.

TAYLOR?

LIZBETTE.

DON'T SWEET-TALK ME.

HOW ARE YOU?

HOW SHOULD I BE?

YOU ASKED WENDY OUT, MY OWN ROOMMATE.

I KNOW. YOU WORK TUESDAY NIGHTS.

DON'T TOUCH ME.

SHE SAID NO.

WELL, OF COURSE SHE DID.

SEE? NO HARM DONE.

HE IS MY HERO.

A HERO SHOULD ACCOMPLISH SOMETHING.

I MEAN, WHAT HAS TAYLOR ACCOMPLISHED?

WE ARE HAPPILY MARRIED MEN.

WITH CURFEWS.

YEAH. I'D RATHER BE LIKE TAYLOR.

YLOR DOESN'T KNOW IT YET, BUT HE'D RATHER BE LIKE US.

YOU SHOULD SEE HIM WITH MY FAMILY.

HE REALLY SOAKS IT UP.

NOW, THAT'S WHAT HE REALLY WANTS.

HE JUST DOESN'T KNOW IT YET.

HEY, I'M A SHRINK. I KNOW THESE THINGS, RIGHT?

I'M WORRIED ABOUT HIM.

DID YOU GET A LOAD OF HER LEGS?

YES.

DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND? HE IS DUMPING HER!

TAYLOR IS STUCK IN A VERY DESTRUCTIVE PATTERN.

THEY HIT THE 2-MONTH MARK, AND HE IS RUNNING.

IT'S CLASSIC.

REJECT THEM BEFORE THEY REJECT YOU.

NO. NO WOMAN IS EVER GOING TO REJECT TAYLOR.

THAT'S TOO BAD, BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT HE REALLY NEEDS.

WELL, THAT'S WHAT EVERY MAN REALLY NEEDS.

WITHOUT SUFFERING, YOU DON'T GROW.

FORGET IT. IT'LL NEVER HAPPEN.

IF ONLY THERE WAS SOMETHING I COULD DO FOR HIM.

IF ONLY I COULD PICK TAYLOR'S NEXT WOMAN,

YOU KNOW, SOMEONE WHO WILL DUMP HIM FIRST.

SOMEONE WHO'LL GIVE HIM THE GIFT OF HEARTACHE.

SOMEONE WITH PMS.

NO. SOMEONE WHO'S LOOKING FOR

MORE IN A MAN THAN GOOD LOOKS.

AND A GREAT SENSE OF HUMOR.

AND A 6-FIGURE INCOME.

AND GLAMOROUS JOB.

YEAH, BUT MORE THAN THAT.

SOMEONE WHO'LL TORTURE HIM, TURN HIM INSIDE OUT,

HURT HIM, YOU KNOW, LIKE LOVE.

FORGET IT. SHE'S NOT OUT THERE.

I BET I COULD FIND HER.

I BET YOU COULDN'T.

I BET HE COULD.

I GOT 10 BUCKS SAYS NO WAY.

YOU'RE ON. YOU IN, NED?

YOU ARE BOTH MISSING MY POINT.

TAYLOR WOULD HAVE TO COOPERATE.

OH, NO. HE'LL WANT IN ON THIS.

IT'S GOT TO BE BIGGER.

BIGGER? 2 WOMEN.

10 WOMEN.

11 WOMEN.

THAT'S NOT GOING TO CUT IT ANYMORE.

YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE TO--

I KNOW. STOP SEEING YOU.

TAYLOR.

LIZBETTE, I'M NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU.

YOU'VE MADE SOME VERY VALID POINTS.

I OUGHT TO BE ABLE TO MAKE A COMMITMENT BY NOW.

TAYLOR, LET'S SAY I NEVER CAME HERE TODAY.

NO. NO.

LET'S JUST FORGET EVERYTHING.

NO. LISTEN TO ME. YOUR INSTINCTS ARE SOUND.

IT'S TIME TO MOVE ON.

LIZBETTE, I JUST DON'T THINK

IT CAN BE TOGETHER.

WELL, WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO?

YOU?

SOAR.

[CALL TO THE POST PLAYS]

Race announcer: LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

THE HORSES ARE PARADING TO THE POST

FOR THE NEXT RACE OF THE AFTERNOON.

WHAT?

WE'VE GOT A PROPOSITION FOR YOU.

YOU HAVE 3 MONTHS

TO GET ENGAGED TO 3 WOMAN,

AND I PICK THE WOMEN.

YOU'RE INSANE.

CHLOE, THAT'S PRETTY.

NOW, THIS IS THE DUMBEST ONE THEY'VE EVER COME UP WITH.

THEY'RE ALWAYS TRYING TO ROPE ME IN ON SOME STUPID BET.

THEN WHEN I TAKE THEM UP ON IT,

THEY DROP LIKE FLIES.

WATCH.

WHAT ARE THE STAKES?

YOUR FISHING CABIN AGAINST MY MERCEDES.

NO. NO, SEE, I ALREADY HAVE A CAR.

I WANT SOMETHING ELSE.

NAME IT.

I LOVE TORTURING HIM.

THE PICASSO.

THE PICASSO!

IT'S AN ORIGINAL. I CAN'T BET THAT.

FINE. NO BET.

IT'S CLAIRE'S.

HER GRANDFATHER LEFT IT TO HER.

SO?

YOU'RE ON.

YOU'RE KIDDING!

THIS IS FOR YOUR OWN GOOD.

Announcer: IT'S MOVING MARCELLE IN A CHARGING START,

WITH BOO-BOO, RACHEL'S RIDE, AND....

BOYS, SORRY I MISSED THE GAME.

THAT'S OK.

DID YOU CRIPPLE ANOTHER QUARTERBACK?

YEAH. 2.

BACHELORETTE NUMBER 1.

ICE GODDESS!

I GOT 20

SAYS HE CAN'T EVEN GET A DATE.

40 SAYS HE CAN.

GUYS, A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN IS ONE

OF THE LONELIEST CREATURES ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH.

ALL I NEED IS AN OPENING, A TICKET OF ADMISSION.

BET. BET.

Ned: NO. NO, CHLOE. HORSEY. HORSEY.

CHLOE, DO YOU SEE

THAT PRETTY BLONDE LADY RIGHT THERE?

I JUST BET SHE WOULD LOVE

TO SEE THIS PICTURE YOU DREW.

THAT'S PRETTY, HONEY. IS IT FOR ME?

YES.

AW! COME HERE.

GEE, I'M TERRIBLY SORRY.

OH, THAT'S OK. SHE'S A DOLL.

HOW OLD IS SHE?

3.

LET ME GET HER OFF YOUR HANDS HERE.

COME ON, CHLOE.

LET'S NOT BOTHER THESE NICE PEOPLE.

OH, SHE IS NO BOTHER. I LOVE KIDS.

WELL, SHE'S FOR RENT.

SHE'S GOT YOUR EYES.

DON'T LET HER FATHER HEAR YOU SAY THAT.

SHE'S NOT YOURS?

NO. I WISH SHE WERE.

IS THERE ANY REASON WHY WE CAN'T HAVE DINNER SATURDAY NIGHT?

I DON'T EVEN KNOW YOUR NAME.

ERIN. ERIN COOPER.

TAYLOR. TAYLOR WORTH.

DINNER WILL BE FINE.

GREAT. ANDRE'S, 7:00?

OK.

[PEOPLE APPLAUDING]

SEE YOU, GUYS.

YOU FEEL FREE TO MAKE THE OTHER TWO A CHALLENGE.

WELL, SO MUCH FOR THE BET.

[VIDEO GAME BEEPING]

Child: HOW COME YOU CAN'T GET THIS POINT?

MAYBE IT'S BECAUSE YOU DON'T KNOW HOW TO PLAY.

WELL, I DON'T KNOW WHY YOU DON'T LIKE HIM.

CLAIRE, HE WAS FLUFF.

HIS IDOL WAS GERALDO RIVERA.

WELL, VERONICA, WHAT DID YOU SEE IN HIM

IN THE FIRST PLACE?

HE WAS THE FIRST GUY I DATED IN AGES

WHO DIDN'T OWN A VCR, SHOP BROOKS BROTHERS,

OR DRIVE A BMW.

YOU JUST DESCRIBED NED.

WHAT'S DIFFERENT? YOU AND NED BECAME YUPPIES?

PLEASE DON'T TELL NED THAT.

WHEN I FIRST MET NED, HE HAD HAIR DOWN TO HERE

AND HE WAS GROWING MARIJUANA IN THE CLOSET.

NED? YEAH, MY NED.

WHATEVER HAPPENED TO RANDY?

HA HA! GONE!

HE GOT WAY TOO SERIOUS TOO FAST.

I TELL YOU,

THE HARDER THEY PUSH, THE BIGGER THE FLAWS.

YOU AND NED WERE LUCKY TO GET MARRIED SO EARLY.

I KNOW I WAS LUCKY.

ALTHOUGH SOMETIMES I WISH I COULD JUST...

WHAT?

[LAUGHING]

SOMETIMES I WISH I COULD JUST...

[VIDEO GAME BEEPING]

[WOMEN LAUGHING]

THERE I SAID IT!

WELL, WHO DOESN'T?

WHO ARE THESE MEN?

WHO ARE THESE MEN?

[KNIFE CHOPPING] WHO ARE THESE MEN?

VERONICA?

[GARBAGE DISPOSAL WHIRRING]

YOU'RE OUT OF YOUR MIND.

NUMBER 2 IS A FRIEND OF CLAIRE'S.

SHE'S A MUSICIAN.

YOU CAN'T BE SERIOUS.

THIS IS EXACTLY

THE TYPE OF PLACE SHE CAN'T STAND.

THESE ARE EXACTLY

THE KIND OF PEOPLE SHE HATES.

HI.

AND YOU'RE ONE OF THEM.

NO. YOU CAN COUNT ME OUT.

THIS BET'S TOTALLY ABSURD.

YOU SHOULD HAVE THOUGHT OF THAT YESTERDAY.

AFRAID YOU'LL LOSE?

NED, HAVE YOU CONSIDERED

HOW THIS IS GOING TO AFFECT OTHER PEOPLE'S LIVES?

MY LIFE, FOR EXAMPLE.

IT WON'T CHANGE THAT MUCH.

YOU CAN COME VISIT US AT THE CABIN ANYTIME.

$50 NASSAU. 10 FOR BIRDIES.

THE SANDIES ARE GREENIES.

I FEEL LUCKY TODAY.

SO?

SIGN.

FORGET IT.

OH, SO YOU'RE CHICKENING OUT?

DON'T PUSH ME.

YOU'RE RENEGING ON OUR AGREEMENT.

AM I TO UNDERSTAND

THAT YOUR HANDSHAKE MEANS NOTHING?

IT'S TIME TO TEACH THIS GUY A LESSON.

DON'T YOU WANT TO KNOW WHO ELEANOR IS?

COME ON, AREN'T YOU JUST A LITTLE BIT CURIOUS

ABOUT NUMBER 3?

I AM TRYING TO PLAY GOLF HERE.

SHE'S RIGHT OVER THERE.

ELEANOR LARIMORE.

YOU'RE GOING TO LOVE HER.

SHE'S CLASSY. SHE'S BEAUTIFUL.

SHE'S AN ALIEN, RIGHT?

NO. SHE'S A HUMAN.

ALL 3 WOMEN ARE HUMANS.

I HAVE A HEART.

SHE'S MARRIED.

[CHUCKLING]

YOU'RE NOT PLAYING FAIR TODAY, NED.

IT'S A BAD MARRIAGE.

IT'S A BAD MARRIAGE. TRUST ME.

NO. NO, I DON'T. I NEVER HAVE.

THAT DOESN'T MATTER. I ALWAYS WIN ANYWAY.

YOU DID READ THE FINE PRINT, DIDN'T YOU?

BECAUSE I HAVE TO ADMIT,

YOU'RE BEING A GREAT SPORT ABOUT THIS.

HOW WILL I KNOW THAT THEY ACCEPT YOUR PROPOSALS?

VIDEOTAPES.

Weatherman: WE HAVE ALL THIS RAIN UP IN HERE.

THEN WE HAVE THIS LOW-PRESSURE--

[TAPE REWINDS]

WE HAVE ALL THIS RAIN UP IN HERE.

THEN WE HAVE THIS LOW-PRESSURE FRONT

SWEEPING DOWN--

WE HAVE ALL THIS RAIN UP IN HERE.

THEN WE HAVE THIS LOW-PRESSURE FRONT

SWEEPING DOWN--

SWEEPING DOWN FROM THE NORTH.

SWEEPING DOWN FROM--

I'M A PERFECTIONIST.

HEY, I DON'T TRY TO BE THIS WAY,

AND IT'S REALLY ROUGH ON THE WOMEN I KNOW.

IT'S LIKE THERE'S THIS CRITIC ON MY SHOULDER.

TROUBLE-SHOOTER, REALLY.

EXAMPLE--

SAY SHE'S A CAT LOVER.

ALL I HEAR IS HIM SCREAMING,

"SAY GOODBYE TO NAVY BLUE."

HEY, DON'T GET ME WRONG.

I DON'T WANT TO GROW OLD ALONE.

I LOVE KIDS.

I CERTAINLY LOVE WOMEN, BUT I'M NO CASANOVA.

I'M JUST TRYING TO FIND A WOMAN

TO GET PAST THE CRITIC IN ME.

MY HOUSEKEEPER-- GREAT COOK.

WHO KNOWS?

MAYBE ONE OF NED'S CHOICES MIGHT BE THE PERFECT WOMAN.

WOULDN'T IT BE GREAT IF IT WAS THE BLONDE?

GOOD EVENING, SIR.

THANKS.

OK. HERE WE ARE.

SATURDAY EVENING, 7:00.

I'VE GIVEN ERIN A LOT OF THOUGHT...

BUT MOSTLY ABOUT STRATEGY.

I CAN'T TOUCH HER

BECAUSE IF I TOUCH HER, I'LL JUMP HER,

AND IF I JUMP HER, I'LL LOSE HER.

EVERY MAN WANTS TO JUMP HER, SO I'VE GOT TO BE DIFFERENT.

ERIN.

TAYLOR.

THIS BET'S GOING TO KILL ME.

LET'S GET YOU BACK IN YOUR COAT.

WE'RE GOING ON A PICNIC.

THEY FLOODED THE ZONE.

KOSAR THREW UNDERNEATH THE COVERAGE TO NEWSOME.

SCIARRA TOTALLY WIMPED OUT!

SCIARRA'S MY MAIN MAN!

SCIARRA TACKLES

LIKE HE'S PUTTING HIS GRANDMA TO BED.

OH, NO!

LOOK, YOU MAY BE THE EAGLES' RECEPTIONIST--

YAY, TEAM!

BUT THAT DOES NOT MEAN

YOU KNOW A GOOD TACKLE WHEN YOU SEE ONE.

I NOT ONLY KNOW ONE, I CAN DO ONE.

RIGHT!

RIGHT.

OK.

COME AT ME. COME AT ME.

NO. I BELIEVE YOU.

NO, YOU DON'T. LET ME HAVE IT.

COME ON.

COME ON, COME AT ME.

ERIN, REALLY, I DON'T WANT TO HURT YOU.

AAH!

AAH! UGH!

[LAUGHING]

I THINK I'M IN LOVE.

SEE?

YOU CALL THE PLAYS.

[CARTOONY VOICE] GOOD-BYE, BRYAN.

SEE YOU NEXT WEEK.

[POP]

Ned: SEE YOU TOMORROW, LEWIS.

HOW ARE YOU TODAY, YOUNG FELLA?

POW!

HOW'S THE BAD SEED?

WE'RE MAKING PROGRESS.

I STILL THINK YOU OUGHTA SEND HIM THROUGH

A METAL DETECTOR BEFORE YOU SEE HIM.

MMM. HONEY, CAN I ASK YOU A QUESTION?

OF COURSE.

WHY ARE YOU FIXING VERONICA UP WITH TAYLOR?

WHO ARE YOU MAD AT?

I'M NOT MAD AT ANYONE.

HONEY, VERONICA IS A TALENTED,

HIGHLY RESPECTED CONCERT PIANIST.

SHE'S GOING TO HATE HIM. HE'S GOING TO HATE HER.

SHE'S NOT NEARLY VAPID ENOUGH.

NO, CLAIRE.

AS HIS BEST FRIEND

AND AS AN EXPERT ON THE HUMAN MIND,

I THINK IT'S IN HIS BEST INTERESTS

TO HAVE AN ATYPICAL CONGREGATION

WITH A MEMBER OF THE OPPOSITE SEX.

YOU ARE PISSED AT HIM.

YEAH.

Anchorwoman: THE PHILADELPHIA SWAT TEAM

WAS STILL SURROUNDING A DOWNTOWN JEWELRY STORE.

4 GUNMEN HAD TAKEN HOSTAGES.

AS FAR AS WE KNOW, NO ONE HAS BEEN HARMED,

AND NEGOTIATIONS ARE IN PROGRESS.

THE POLICE SAID...

WHERE'S TAYLOR WORTH?

OVER THERE. HAS BEEN FOR THE PAST 2 YEARS.

NOVELIST ANN TRAVERS DIED TODAY

IN A FREAK SKIING ACCIDENT IN CHILE.

SHE HAD BROKEN HER LEG ON THE SLOPES

AND WAS BEING TRANSPORTED TO SAFETY

WHEN THE RESCUERS LOST CONTROL OF HER STRETCHER.

MISS TRAVERS PLUMMETED 1,500 FEET TO HER DEATH.

SHE'S BEST REMEMBERED FOR HER 1979 NOVEL

AREN'T I THE LUCKY ONE?

AND NOW, TAYLOR WORTH WITH THE WEEKEND WEATHER.

ANN TRAVERS...A WOMAN WHOSE LUCK RAN OUT.

LET'S SEE...HOW'D I DO YESTERDAY?

DID RAIN LAST NIGHT. HA. GOT THAT RIGHT.

IT'S STILL UNSEASONABLY COLD HERE ON THE EAST COAST,

BUT I'VE BEEN SAYING THAT FOR DAYS.

UH-OH! HURRICANE BRENDA.

YEAH, RIGHT DOWN THERE IN FLORIDA.

CAME ASHORE--WOOSH! YOU WANT TO TALK RAIN!

THEY HAD TO CANCEL THE EAGLES-DOLPHINS GAME.

AND I SAID IT WAS GOING TO

STAY OUT THERE IN THE OCEAN SOMEWHERE,

SO THE JOKE'S ON ME.

HERE IN YOUR TRI-STATE AREA,

WE HAVE CLEAR AIR QUALITY TOMORROW IN THE DELAWARE VALLEY.

WELL, CORY, WHAT HAVE YOU GOT ON FOR THE WEEKEND?

I'M GOING TO THE COUNTRY, TAYLOR.

THERE YOU HAVE IT.

CORY CHU, OUTSTANDING IN HER FIELD.

[NEWS THEME PLAYS]

THAT'S THE NEWS.

FOR BOB MAYON AND TAYLOR WORTH,

I'M CORY CHU.

GOOD NIGHT.

AND WE'RE CLEAR.

EVERYBODY HAVE A NICE WEEKEND.

YOU HAVE A GOOD WEEKEND, JERRY.

GOOD NIGHT, COOKIE.

GREAT SHOW, TAYLOR!

THANKS, PAUL.

HAVE A GOOD WEEKEND, IRV.

ARE YOU AT LEAST A METEOROLOGIST?

THIS MUST BE... VERONICA?

YOU JUST SAY THE WEATHER?

IT'S HARDER THAN YOU THINK.

IT WOULD HAVE TO BE.

LOOK, TAYLOR.

I'M GOING TO SAVE US BOTH SOME TIME,

AND FOR YOU, A FEW BUCKS.

I'D LIKE TO GIVE YOU A LITTLE TEST OF MINE

TO SEE IF WE'RE PSYCHOLOGICALLY COMPATIBLE.

SHOOT.

IMAGINE THIS. YOU WALK INTO A ROOM.

YOU SEE A HOLE IN THE FLOOR.

YOU WALK UP TO IT AND LOOK IN.

WHAT DO YOU SEE?

A METEOROLOGIST.

RELIABLE BIRTH-CONTROL DEVICES?

PERFECT. THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

GOOD LUCK AND GOODBYE.

IMAGINE THIS.

YOU WALK INTO A STUDIO. YOU MEET A GUY.

YOU TALK TO HIM FOR A COUPLE SECONDS.

WHAT DO YOU SEE?

A MAN WHO READS THE WEATHER

WEARING A LOT OF MAKEUP.

YEAH. DOESN'T THAT PIQUE YOUR CURIOSITY AT ALL?

I MEAN, AREN'T YOU SAYING TO YOURSELF,

"I WONDER IF HE WEARS MORE MAKEUP

IN THE EVENINGS"?

LET ME TAKE YOU TO DINNER,

YOU CAN FIND OUT FOR YOURSELF.

I'LL CALL YOU. I'VE GOT YOUR NUMBER.

742 MINUS 619...

123.

487 MINUS 356...

131.

663 MINUS 421.

142.

MAYBE ON MARS.

[CLOCK CHIMES]

HA HA HA HA!

HA HA HA HA HA!

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES] HA HA HA HA HA!

A WOMAN WITH ALL THIS

SHOULD LOOK HAPPIER THAN THAT.

HA HA HA HA!

[TIRES SCREECH]

IT REALLY DOESN'T MATTER.

IT REALLY DOESN'T MATTER WHAT SHOE YOU CHOOSE.

ANY SHOE WOULD LOOK GOOD AT THE END OF YOUR LEG.

MAYBE I CAN HELP YOU MAKE A DECISION.

WALK OVER THERE.

LET ME TAKE A LOOK.

I REALLY CAN'T TELL ANYTHING

UNLESS YOU STAND UP.

NICE.

HOW ABOUT SOMETHING LIKE...

THIS?

NO.

PLEASE.

ALLOW ME.

No...

HOW DOES THAT FEEL?

FINE.

PLEASE. COME WITH ME.

[THUD]

HOW ABOUT...

THIS?

TRY IT ON...FOR ME.

HMM.

Eleanor: I CAN'T COME OUT.

IT MAY TAKE A WHILE,

BUT ELEANOR'S GOING TO BLOSSOM.

WHOA!

WHOA!

[PHONE RINGS]

Recording: THIS IS TAYLOR WORTH. TALK TO ME.

[BEEP]

Woman: HI, TAYLOR. IT'S LEANNE.

HOPE YOU'RE HAVING A GOOD TIME WITH YOUR FOSTER CHILD.

GIVE ME A CALL WHEN KIM SU GOES BACK TO KOREA.

YOU BIG SOFTY.

KIM SU.

SHE SOUNDED HOT!

OH, SHE IS.

WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO ABOUT IT?

BETWEEN BEING THE PERFECT GENTLEMAN

EVERY NIGHT WITH ERIN

D THE PERFECT STUD EVERY DAY WITH ELEANOR,

WHO HAS THE TIME?

IN OR OUT?

LOOK, I'LL BE WORRIED WHEN I SEE 3 TAPES

WITH 3 PROPOSALS AND 3 YESES.

BY THEN, IT'LL BE TOO LATE.

YOU'LL HAVE LOST CLAIRE'S PICASSO.

YOUR MARRIAGE WILL BE DESTROYED.

NED, LOOK. I'M YOUR BEST FRIEND.

YOU JUST SAY THE WORD,

WE CAN CALL OFF THIS WHOLE STUPID BET.

[CHIP CLATTERS] RAISE YA 5.

3 YESES, TAYLOR, AND YOU ONLY GOT 2 MONTHS LEFT.

VERONICA WILL CALL. SO?

I SEE YOU 5. I RAISE YOU 5.

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

Ned: OH, SHIT, IT'S CLAIRE!

I...WILL...

[CHIPS CLATTER] SEE YOU.

Recording: THIS IS TAYLOR WORTH. TALK TO ME.

TAYLOR, THIS IS VERONICA BRISKOW.

NED AND CLAIRE ARE COMING TO DINNER TOMORROW NIGHT.

WHY DON'T YOU JOIN US? MY NUMBER IS 555-3299.

BYE. Ned: SHIT!

OH, AND, NED? GO HOME.

DOUBLE SHIT!

NO, NO, NO, NO, NO. IT'S LEGATO. LEGATO!

DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND?

LEGATO.

HERE. LISTEN TO IT AGAIN.

I'VE ALREADY LISTENED TO IT 3 TIMES.

HMM? NO.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT LEGATO IS.

SOUNDS LIKE A BOAT RACE.

BOAT RACE. HA HA HA. TAYLOR HATES MUSIC.

WELL, WHY DON'T YOU TELL US WHAT LEGATO MEANS?

[PIANO MUSIC PLAYS]

NICE SWEATER, TAYLOR.

IT'S VERY BROOKS BROTHERS.

OH. ARE YOU STILL HAVING TROUBLE

WITH YOUR BMW?

[PIANO SCALES IN BACKGROUND]

I CAN NAME THAT SEGUE IN 5 WORDS.

NAME THAT SEGUE.

SWEATER. COLD. ALPS. GERMANY.

BMW. BMW.

SO...WHAT DID YOUR MANAGER SAY

ABOUT THE REHAB CENTER BENEFIT?

HE HATES IT WHEN I PLAY FOR FREE, BUT I'LL DO IT.

OH, GREAT. THANK YOU!

I MEAN, IF I CAN'T PLAY FOR 15 MINUTES

TO KEEP A BUNCH OF DRUGGED-OUT TEENAGERS

FROM STEALING MY CAR,

WHAT KIND OF CITIZEN AM I?

YEAH. A REAL PHILANTHROPIST.

NO. I LEAVE THAT TO CLAIRE.

MMM.

MY TOMBSTONE'S GOING TO READ, "WHAT'S IN IT FOR ME?"

NOTHING, IF YOU MARRY TAYLOR.

LET'S EAT!

TAYLOR, YOU COME JOIN ME IN THE KITCHEN.

CLAIRE, CHECK NED'S POCKETS FOR HALLUCINOGENS.

IF YOU CAN'T SPEAK ENGLISH WITH THE REST OF US,

I'M GOING TO HAVE TO SEND YOU HOME.

MM-HMM. COME ON.

I WANT TO SEE TAYLOR'S REACTION

WHEN HE SEES THE PAINTING.

YOU MEAN, YOU DIDN'T TELL HIM ABOUT THE PAINTING?

NO.

HA HA HA. LET'S GO.

WHY DO YOU ASK?

JUST CURIOUS.

I CAN'T STAND THAT TERM "NEW AGE."

I WAS DOING IT LONG BEFORE IT WAS EVER CALLED THAT.

I HAD A CLASSICAL BACKGROUND--

OBERLIN, JUILLIARD, THE WHOLE COMPETITION CIRCUIT,

BUT IT WAS BASICALLY TOO RIGID FOR ME.

I MEAN, I REALLY HATE THAT KIND OF STUFF.

REMEMBER THE CRITIC THAT SITS ON MY SHOULDER?

WELL, HE JUST PASSED OUT.

I MEAN, WHAT THE HELL AM I SUPPOSED TO DO?

THIS MUST BE ANOTHER ONE OF HER PSYCHOLOGICAL TESTS.

I TELL YOU, IF I HADN'T SIGNED THAT DAMN CONTRACT,

I WOULDN'T PUT UP WITH THIS CRAP FOR A MINUTE.

I THOUGHT THE HOLE IN THE FLOOR WAS HARD.

SO THE REST IS HISTORY.

I'M HAVING A LITTLE TROUBLE CONCENTRATING

ON WHAT YOU'RE SAYING.

SO COULD YOU JUST SHUT UP?

[CRUNCH]

[CRUNCH]

TAYLOR!

HA HA HA HA!

HA HA HA HA!

[GIGGLING]

THANK YOU SO MUCH.

OH, I'M GLAD YOU CAME.

HOW ABOUT A GAME OF MONOPOLY?

NED, I'M A LITTLE BEAT.

NED, TURN AROUND AND WALK OUT.

COME ON, TAYLOR.

LET'S LET THE GIRL GET TO BED.

NOW!

BYE, NED.

BYE.

OH, YOU KNOW WHAT--

[SLAM]

COME ON, TAYLOR. LET THE GIRL GET TO BED.

[BED CREAKS]

UM!

HOW ABOUT THIS?

DOES THAT FEEL GOOD?

IT'S FINE. YOU'RE CRUSHING MY BONE.

SORRY. THAT'S OK.

[SLAM] AAH!

OH!

I'VE HAD BETTER TIMES TAKING OUT SPLINTERS.

I WISH IT WAS YESTERDAY.

HEY, IT HAPPENS.

THERE WOULDN'T BE GREAT SEX

IF WE DIDN'T HAVE AWFUL SEX.

AWFUL...

MECHANICAL...

SLIGHTLY PAINFUL...

UNSATISFYING SEX.

I'M GOING TO HOP IN THE SHOWER!

COULD YOU LET YOURSELF OUT, PLEASE?

SURE.

[WATER RUNNING]

[WOMAN GIGGLES]

[BRAKES SCREECH]

I LOVE MY LINGERIE. [GIGGLES]

UH, ELEANOR...

WHAT DO YOU SAY, NEXT TIME WE JUST TALK?

WHY?

I DON'T KNOW.

ROMANCE?

I GET TO KNOW YOU, YOU GET TO KNOW ME.

I THINK WE'RE GETTING TO KNOW EACH OTHER JUST FINE.

AHEM.

OH! WOULD YOU GIVE ME

A SPECIAL SIGNAL ON THE SHOW TONIGHT?

WHEN YOU RUB YOUR NOSE,

IT MEANS YOU WISH...

[GIGGLING]

THANK GOD IT WAS JUST MY NOSE.

[ENGINE STARTS]

DINNER AT ERIN'S WILL BE A WELCOME CHANGE.

YOU KNOW, I THOUGHT I'D FIND YOU HERE.

I'M ONLY GOING TO SAY THIS ONCE.

ERIN IS A FLOWER,

A RARE AND BEAUTIFUL FLOWER.

AND I DON'T KNOW WHAT SHE SEES IN A GUY LIKE YOU.

BUT IF YOU MESS WITH HER OR LAY A HAND ON HER,

I'LL RIP YOUR HEAD OFF.

SEEMS REASONABLE.

TERRY! SO GLAD YOU DROPPED BY.

CAN YOU STAY FOR COFFEE?

PUT TAYLOR DOWN. HE DOESN'T KNOW YOU'RE KIDDING.

HA HA HA HA!

OH, I GET IT NOW!

UHH!

I'LL BE IN THE LIVING ROOM.

DID YOU LIKE HIM?

ISN'T HE GREAT?

YEAH. HE SEEMS VERY NICE.

OH, HE IS.

HE'S SMART AND SOPHISTICATED

AND REALLY CONSIDERATE.

UH-HUH. UH-HUH.

HE WON'T EVEN START THE CAR

UNLESS WE PUT ON OUR SEAT BELTS!

WHAT A GUY.

I'VE NEVER GONE OUT WITH SOMEONE FOR A MONTH

WHO DIDN'T MAKE A PASS.

I NEVER MADE A PASS.

YOU'RE MY FRIEND, SILLY.

IT DOESN'T COUNT.

SEE YOU, TERRY!

[DOOR CLOSES]

WE'VE ONLY JUST BEGUN] PLAYS]

[CAT GROWLS]

* WE'VE ONLY JUST BEGUN TO LIVE... *

POOKIE REALLY SEEMS TO LIKE YOU.

POOKIE'S A HELL OF A CAT.

I KNOW.

WILL THERE BE

ANY OTHER EAGLES DROPPING BY TONIGHT?

I HOPE NOT.

* AND WE'RE ON OUR WAY *

* WE'VE ONLY BEGUN

* BEFORE THE RISING SUN, WE FLY *

* SO MANY ROADS TO CHOOSE

* WE START OUT WALKING AND LEARN TO RUN *

* AND YES, WE'VE JUST BEGUN... *

TAYLOR?

HMM?

WOULD YOU DO SOMETHING FOR ME?

ANYTHING.

ON YOUR SHOW,

COULD YOU GIVE ME SOME SORT OF SIGNAL

TO LET ME KNOW THAT I'M YOUR SPECIAL GIRL?

SURE. SURE.

HOW ABOUT IF I RUB MY--

HOW ABOUT IF I SCRATCH MY CHIN?

* ...DAY TO DAY

* TOGETHER... *

THE KID DESERVES HER OWN SIGNAL.

CALL ME SENTIMENTAL,

BUT I LIKE THE ONE IN HER DINING ROOM BETTER.

CAN YOU BELIEVE THIS? SHE WON'T GO OUT WITH ME.

I'M JUST HERE TO PICK UP MY WATCH.

TAYLOR WORTH. WHAT'S HAPPENING, HONEY?

OH, NOT MUCH.

SHE LEFT THIS, TOO.

THANK YOU.

IT'S GOOD.

AMBIVALENCE I CAN WORK WITH.

HATE TAKES LONGER.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

SHH!

Guess who's the head fund raiser

for the rehab center.

HMM.

Come here. Come here.

SEE YA.

HI.

GOD, ELEANOR, PLEASE. NOT HERE.

OH, YES, HERE. IN THE LOBBY.

IN THE MIDDLE OF THE STREET.

IN THE CEREAL AISLE AT THE A&P.

TELL ME YOU'RE DYING FOR IT.

TELL ME I'M DYING FOR IT.

TELL ME I'M THE BEST.

YOU'RE THE BEST.

TELL ME I'M BETTER THAN THE BEST.

YOU'RE BETTER THAN THE BEST--OHH!

[SNORING]

BRAVO!

[WHISTLING]

BRAVO!

I HAVEN'T HAD MUCH CHANCE

TO GET TO KNOW YOUR WIFE,

BUT SHE SEEMS LIKE A REAL GEM.

YES.

I DON'T KNOW IF I MENTIONED IT,

BUT I'M A PSYCHIATRIST.

SOMETIMES I CAN TELL A GREAT MARRIAGE

WHEN I SEE ONE.

IT SEEMS TO ME

THAT YOU GUYS HAVE A REALLY STRONG,

CLOSE, GOOD ONE, AM I RIGHT?

TAYLOR! TAYLOR! WHERE ARE YOU RUNNING TO?

TAYLOR?

TAYLOR WORTH?

THE WEATHERMAN?

THAT'S RIGHT.

I LOVE YOUR REPORTS!

YOU GIVE THE MOST THOROUGHLY DETAILED

WEATHER REPORTS!

I KNOW.

WEATHER'S A HOBBY OF MINE.

OH.

HOW ABOUT THAT STORM LAST MARCH? AIYEE!

WAS THAT A SHOCK OR WHAT?

YOUR FLY IS OPEN.

QUITE A SHOCK.

AND THAT FLASH FLOOD IN NEBRASKA LAST MAY?

WHOOSH!

HOW CAN SHE STAND HIM?

YOUR FLY IS OPEN.

OH, HONEY! HONEY, LOOK.

TAYLOR WORTH.

OH.

HOW DO YOU DO?

YOUR FLY IS OPEN!

WELL, IT DOESN'T MAKE ME DEAF!

UH, EXCUSE ME. GOT TO RUN.

11:00 NEWS.

YOU PLAYED BEAUTIFULLY. THANK YOU.

DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?

I KNOW YOU JUST PLAYED FOR 2 HOURS, BUT MAY I COME IN?

JUST SO YOU KNOW WHY I'M MAD,

I HATE IT WHEN MY FRIENDS RUN OUT OF MY CONCERTS

WITHOUT TELLING ME HOW WONDERFUL I AM,

AND I REALLY HATE IT

WHEN GUYS COME BY HERE UNANNOUNCED

THINKING IT MEANS THAT I HAVE TO LET THEM IN.

HOW MANY YOU LET IN THERE SO FAR?

IMAGINE WHAT SHE'S GOING TO DO TO ME

WHEN I CALL OFF OUR WEDDING.

LOOK, YOU GOT TO ADMIT

YOU SENT ME SOME PRETTY MIXED SIGNALS.

I MEAN, "HERE'S YOUR WATCH

ECAUSE I NEVER WANT TO SEE YOU AGAIN,

"BUT HERE'S A TICKET BECAUSE

I WANT YOU TO SEE WHAT YOU'RE MISSING."

WELL, I SAW, OK? AND YOU'RE MAGNIFICENT.

I CAN'T WAIT TO HEAR YOU AGAIN.

[RUSTLING]

CALL ME.

[CHAIN UNLATCHES]

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

[RING]

[RING]

HELLO?

VERONICA BRISKOW?

YES.

HI. IT'S TAYLOR WORTH.

I KNOW THIS SEEMS SILLY, BUT I CAN'T HELP IT.

IT'S SUCH A PRETTY MOVIE.

ENJOY THE SHOW!

I HAVEN'T SEEN IT SINCE I WAS A LITTLE GIRL.

REALLY? I'VE NEVER SEEN IT.

YOU HAVEN'T? NO. 2 PLEASE.

WAIT TILL YOU SEE DOPEY. HE'S THE MOST ADORABLE THING.

HEY, THAT'S WHY I'M HERE. THANKS.

ACTUALLY, I HAD A DIFFERENT

SORT OF DAY PLANNED,

ONE THAT ENDS IN A PROPOSAL.

HELLO.

MAYBE IF I TOSS IN

A HONEYMOON AT DISNEYLAND.

[FINALE MUSIC PLAYING]

COME ON!

IT'S SO VERY BEAUTIFUL.

THEY'RE SO MUCH IN LOVE.

[CRYING]

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

FILMING OUR OWN HAPPY ENDING.

CAN YOU MOVE A LITTLE TO THE LEFT?

WHOA! WHOA. RIGHT THERE.

THAT'S PERFECT.

ERIN.

TAYLOR.

ERIN, I THINK YOU ALREADY KNOW

WHAT I'M GOING TO ASK YOU.

AND THIS MAY SEEM INAPPROPRIATE

BECAUSE I HAVEN'T KNOWN YOU VERY LONG,

BUT, ERIN...

TAYLOR.

DEAR ERIN...

WILL YOU MARRY ME?

OH.

OHH!

I TAKE IT THAT'S A YES?

[SHRIEKING]

CAN I HEAR THE WORD, PLEASE?

CAN I HEAR THAT PRECIOUS WORD?

OH, YES.

OH, YES, TAYLOR.

I WILL MARRY YOU.

TAKE ME, TAYLOR.

OH, WILD HORSES COULDN'T STOP ME.

MMM. MMM.

MMM. MMM. MMM!

OW! WHAT?

OH. SORRY.

NED. NED.

NOT ONLY AM I 1/3 OF THE WAY TO TEACHING YOU A LESSON,

BUT TONIGHT, I WILL BE LYING WITH THE GODS.

ERIN, I WANT YOU TO KNOW,

THERE IS NO ONE I WOULD RATHER BE WITH

AND NOTHING I WOULD RATHER BE DOING.

MMM! MMM!

OH!

I'M SO GLAD I WAITED.

OH, YEAH.

I'M GLAD WE WAITED, TOO.

NO. I'M SO GLAD I WAITED.

YEAH, YEAH, YEAH. I'M GLAD THAT WE WAITED, TOO.

MMM! MMM! MMM!

NO, TAYLOR.

I'M SO GLAD I WAITED.

WHAT?

ERIN, I KNOW THIS IS OUR FIRST TIME, DARLING,

BUT YOU'RE NOT SAYING, ARE YOU...

THAT THIS IS YOUR FIRST TIME?

YES.

OHH.

MMM.

TAYLOR, DON'T BE UPSET.

I KNOW IT'S NOT YOUR FIRST TIME.

IT'S DIFFERENT FOR MEN.

OH, ERIN, ERIN, ERIN. YOU ARE VERY SPECIAL.

YOU ARE. YOU ARE.

AND--AND--AND YOU'VE WAITED SUCH A LONG TIME.

I WANT THIS TO BE RIGHT FOR YOU.

LET'S WAIT. OK?

LET'S WAIT TILL AFTER THE WEDDING.

ARE YOU SURE?

RIGHT NOW, MORE THAN ANYTHING,

I WANT YOU INSIDE ME,

TO FINALLY KNOW WHAT IT FEELS LIKE.

OH, GOD.

I'M SURE.

YOU ARE SO GOOD AT LOOKING AT THE BIG PICTURE.

OH, YEAH. I'M LOOKING AT THE BIG PICTURE.

MMM!

WHAT?

I'M NOT A MONSTER.

[SHRIEKING]

CAN I HEAR THE WORD, PLEASE?

CAN I HEAR THAT PRECIOUS WORD?

OH! OH! OH, YES, TAYLOR.

I WILL MARRY YOU.

TAKE ME, TAYLOR.

OH, YEAH.

WILD HORSES COULDN'T STOP ME.

MMM. MMM.

MMM! MMM! MMM!

OW! WHAT?

OH, SORRY.

NED, NED.

NOT ONLY AM I 1/3 OF THE WAY

TO TEACHING YOU A LESSON

AND WINNING THIS BET,

BUT TONIGHT,

I WILL BE LYING WITH THE GODS.

[TV STATIC]

I'LL BUY. IT'S MY IDEA.

FORGET IT. I'VE BEEN TRYING TO

TAKE YOU OUT FOR A MONTH. 2, PLEASE.

THANKS.

GUESS IT'S THE HOT TICKET IN TOWN.

HEY!

SHH! QUIET!

SHH! SHH!

MMM!

THIS IS BETTER THAN PRIMAL THERAPY.

IT'S MORE CATHARTIC.

CARE FOR A DRINK?

WE HAVE MAI TAI OR TEQUILA SUNRISE.

* LA DA DA DA *

WHOA, WHOA, HO!

NO, NO. WHAT DID YOU REALLY THINK OF THE MOVIE?

I THOUGHT IT WAS GREAT. I'D LOVE TO LIE THERE

TILL THE RIGHT WOMAN CAME ALONG.

YOU DON'T GET IT, DO YOU?

SHE LEAVES EVERYTHING BEHIND--

HER HOME, HER LITTLE FRIENDS, AND FOR WHAT?

FOR SOME HANDSOME PRINCE!

THE WHOLE ENDING IMPLIES

THAT A WOMAN NEEDS A MAN TO BRING HER TO LIFE!

VERONICA, IT IS NOT REAL LIFE!

IT'S A FAIRY TALE!

COME ON!

I MEAN, DID YOU EVER READ THE FROG PRINCE?

IN THAT ONE, HE STAYED A FROG

UNTIL SHE KISSED HIM

AND BROUGHT HIM BACK TO LIFE.

YEAH, WELL, I'VE KISSED A LOT OF FROGS,

AND I HAVEN'T MET A PRINCE YET.

U'VE BEEN KISSING THE WRONG FROGS.

IT'S HARD TO FIND THE RIGHT PERSON.

IT'S A SEARCH, A PROCESS.

I DON'T THINK IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE EASY.

WELL, MAYBE I MISJUDGED YOU, TAYLOR.

UP UNTIL NOW,

I THOUGHT OF YOU AS JUST A PLEASANT DIVERSION,

BUT MAYBE THERE'S A WELL OF COMPASSION

AND SENSITIVITY IN YOU.

REALLY?

NOT A DEEP WELL.

MORE LIKE A BUCKET OR A TOY PAIL.

YOU CAN STOP BEFORE YOU GET TO DIXIE CUP.

YOU KNOW, SOME SAY YOU HAVE TO KISS A FROG TWICE.

OH, WHY DID YOU EVER COME INTO MY LIFE?

TO MAKE YOU HAPPY.

TO HOLD YOU IN MY ARMS FOREVER.

I'LL NEVER BE ABLE TO LOOK MY FATHER IN THE FACE.

LOOK, LET'S GET AWAY--

LET'S GET MARRIED IMMEDIATELY, RIGHT AWAY, TONIGHT.

YOU MEAN ELOPE?

THAT'S WHAT I MEAN.

BUT WHERE WOULD WE GO?

[HUMMING]

GUESS WHAT?

THIS VERONICA?

SHE'S REAL EASY TO BE WITH,

ONCE SHE STOPS BUSTING YOUR BALLS.

* DA DA DA DA

AFTER SHE AGREES TO MARRY ME,

I'M GOING TO KEEP DATING HER.

...CAN'T TALK TO ONE ANOTHER.

AND WHENEVER A YOUNG MAN--

AND THERE HAVE BEEN VERY NICE ONES--

HEY! HEY!

I THOUGHT WE MADE A DEAL.

WHOEVER MAKES BREAKFAST

GETS TO PICK THE STATION.

IT'S HALFTIME,

AND I DON'T CARE WHAT DEAL WE STRUCK.

I'M NOT WATCHING THE EAGLETTES

DO THEIR BORN IN THE U.S.A. ROUTINE.

OH, COME ON. THAT'S THEIR BEST ONE.

MMM! MMM! MMM!

AHH.

Announcer: I, MYSELF, HAVE PLAYED HERE.

AH. I ADMIRE THOSE WOMEN.

THAT'S BECAUSE THEIR JOB IS MORE DIFFICULT THAN YOURS.

WHAT IN THE WORLD IS GOING ON DOWN THERE?

LOOKS LIKE THE EAGLES CHEERLEADERS

ARE UNROLLING A BANNER OR SOMETHING.

"CONGRATULATIONS ERIN AND TAY-- "

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

MMM!

[BEEP] HELLO, MISS BRISKOW?

THIS IS ELEANOR LARIMORE

CONFIRMING THE LUNCHEON TOMORROW.

PLEASE GIVE ME A CALL. THANK YOU.

OH, NO.

OH, YES.

MMM.

MMM. MMM. MMM.

BYE, LOVE BUCKETS.

PIECE OF CAKE.

VERONICA.

HMM?

HOW ABOUT IF TONIGHT I GIVE YOU

A SPECIAL SIGNAL ON THE SHOW,

YOU KNOW, ONE THAT SAYS I'M THINKING ABOUT YOU?

OH, THAT'S SWEET,

BUT I WATCH CHANNEL 8.

THAT DOESN'T BOTHER ME.

HERE IN THE TRI-STATE AREA,

WE HAVE HIGH WINDS COMING DOWN FROM NEW YORK,

BUT WE'LL HAVE CLEAR AIR QUALITY TOMORROW

IN ALL THE DELAWARE VALLEY.

THAT'S ALL FOR THE WEATHER.

NOW BACK TO MY FAVORITE NEWSCASTER,

CORY CHU,

RIGHT AFTER THIS COMMERCIAL BREAK.

AND IN LOCAL NEWS, PHILADELPHIA CITY COUNCIL...

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

[RING]

HELLO?

HEY, BUDDY. DID YOU SEE THE GAME?

NED, I DON'T HAVE TIME TO TALK NOW.

THINGS ARE GETTING A LITTLE CLOSE.

I AM 15 MINUTES LATE FOR A DATE WITH SOMEBODY,

AND I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHO.

W THAT BANNER ON TV. WHO KNOWS WHO ELSE DID.

HEY, YOU KNOW, VERONICA AND ELEANOR

ARE HAVING LUNCH TOGETHER.

I THINK THIS WHOLE THING IS GONNA BLOW UP IN YOUR FACE.

NED, ONE MORE THING.

YEAH, WHAT?

THIS IS GETTING RIDICULOUS.

I'VE GOT TO BREAK UP WITH ERIN.

[PIANO PLAYING]

HAVE YOU PICKED THE USHERS YET?

USHERS?

NO. I HAVEN'T.

UH, SEE, ERIN. WE HAVE TO TALK.

AT TEDDY'S TUX, IF YOU HAVE 6 OR MORE USHERS,

THE GROOM GETS HIS TUX FOR FREE.

I HAVE A TUX.

SEE, I DIDN'T KNOW THAT.

ERIN, YOU'RE A WONDERFUL GIRL,

AND I CARE ABOUT YOU VERY MUCH.

FROM A SELFISH POINT OF VIEW,

I CAN'T THINK OF ANYTHING

I WOULD RATHER HAVE THAN YOU BEING MY WIFE

FOR THE NEXT 50 OR 60--

WHAT ARE THESE?

SWATCHES.

SWATCHES? FOR WHAT?

FOR MY DRESS AND THE BRIDESMAIDS DRESSES.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY A SELFISH POINT OF VIEW?

I CAN'T MARRY YOU.

WHAT?

LOOK, I DON'T KNOW WHAT I WAS THINKING--

I GUESS THAT WE'D GET MARRIED

AND THAT WE'D BE TOGETHER

AND WE'D DECIDE TO TRY TO HAVE A FAMILY.

AND THEN WE'D TRY FOR A YEAR OR 2...

AND THEN WE'D BOTH BE TESTED

AND YOU WOULD REALIZE THAT I'M--

YOU'RE SAYING YOU'RE STERILE.

YES.

OH, I KNEW YOU'D UNDERSTAND.

ERIN, YOU DESERVE BETTER THAN ME.

WAIT A MINUTE.

YOU'RE SAYING THAT WE'LL NEVER HAVE TO WORRY

ABOUT BIRTH CONTROL AND IF WE WANT A BABY,

ALL I'LL HAVE TO DO IS BE ARTIFICIALLY INSEMINATED.

I AM SORRY THEY WON'T BE YOURS, THOUGH.

IT'S NOT JUST THAT I'M STERILE.

SEE, I CAN'T HAVE...

AN ORGASM.

YOU MEAN YOU CAN JUST STAY HARD FOREVER?

NO, GODDAMN IT!

I MEAN I'M IMPOTENT!

[MUSIC STOPS AND PEOPLE STOP TALKING]

OH.

I UNDERSTAND. YOU SHOULDN'T BE DOOMED

TO A LIFE WITHOUT SEX.

NOW, DON'T RUSH ME.

IT'S JUST A LOT TO THINK ABOUT.

COULD YOU GIVE ME A COUPLE OF DAYS?

OH, OF COURSE.

NOW, IN THE MEANTIME,

WHICH OF THESE DO YOU LIKE BEST

FOR MY MAID OF HONOR?

2, PLEASE.

THANKS.

I HAD TO BRING HER.

HEY.

DO YOU KNOW ABOUT OUR DISCOUNT PASSBOOKS?

[MOVIE MUSIC BEGINS]

COME HERE!

YOU WANT IT, HUH?

[GIGGLES]

COME ON.

YOU BE MY LITTLE GIRL?

OH! YES.

OOH! I'LL BE YOUR LITTLE GIRL.

WILL YOU BE MY MOMMY?

OH, YES!

OH, OH, I'LL BE YOUR MOMMY.

AHHH!

WILL YOU BE MY BRIDE?

OH! YES!

NO, NO.

YES! YES, I'LL BE YOUR BRIDE!

YES!

HI, HONEY.

HI, SWEETIE.

OH...OH, YOU KNOW YOUR PICASSO?

MM-HMM.

IS THAT ONE OF THOSE PRICELESS SORT OF THINGS,

OR MERELY WORTH MORE THAN ANY MAN COULD EARN

IN HIS ENTIRE LIFE?

* ALL OF MY DAYS

* GONNA GIVE YOU MY LOVE

* ALL OF MY HEART AND MY SOUL *

* FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE

* AND ALL OF OUR DREAMS

YOU EVER HEARD OF THE SOONERS?

FOOTBALL TEAM?

PROPER NOUN.

YEAH, BUT IT'S ALSO A WORD THAT CAN MEAN, UH...

PIONEERS.

FINE. PUT IT DOWN.

GREAT.

S-O-O-

N-E-R.

THAT'S YOUR WORD?

SINGULAR SOONER?

YEAH.

[GIGGLES]

WHAT?

THERE WAS ONLY ONE SOONER IN THE COVERED WAGON.

GREAT WORD, TAYLOR.

I JUST WISH YOU COULD HAVE

THOUGHT OF IT SOONER.

* ALL OF MY DAYS

* GONNA GIVE YOU MY LOVE

* ALL OF MY HEART AND MY SOUL *

* FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE

YOU MOVED IT.

YEAH. NOW WE CAN SEE THE SUN COME UP BEHIND THE TREES.

YOU MOVED MY BED WITHOUT ASKING.

I DIDN'T BOLT IT DOWN.

NO? WHY DO WOMEN ALWAYS HAVE TO DO THAT?

USUALLY IT'S JUST A FERN OR SOMETHING.

WELL, I'M NOT TRYING TO INSINUATE MYSELF

INTO YOUR PERFECTLY CONSTRUCTED LIFE.

NO? THEN WHAT WAS THAT?

I JUST HAPPEN TO LOVE WAKING UP IN YOUR ARMS.

I HAPPEN TO THINK IT WOULD BE BEAUTIFUL

WATCHING THE DAMN SUN RISE AT THE SAME TIME!

OW!

AFRAID OF A LITTLE CHANGE--

YOU ARE THE MOST STUBBORN PERSON I HAVE EVER MET!

I...LIKE IT...

HERE! I SHOULD HAVE SAID SO...

SOONER.

* HEY

* ALL OF MY DAYS

* GONNA MAKE THEM COME TO ME *

HE'S IMPOTENT.

OH.

I'M SO SORRY.

WHAT SHOULD I DO?

I CAN'T MAKE UP YOUR MIND FOR YA.

I WAS HOPING YOU COULD.

HOW?

I'D LIKE TO KNOW WHAT I'VE BEEN MISSING.

WAIT A MINUTE. DO I ONLY GET ONE SHOT AT THIS?

DEPENDS.

YEAH!

[PANTING]

MARATHON!

THAT'S VERY GOOD.

[IN HIGH VOICE] AND THE MOUSE OLYMPICS CONTINUE.

[HUMMING]

FIGURE SKATING!

THAT'S CLOSE.

[HUMMING]

PAIR FIGURE SKATING.

VERY GOOD! AND THAT'S ALL.

OH, NO, NO.

DO ONE MORE, PLEASE. PLEASE, PLEASE.

OK. OK. BUT THIS IS NOT A SPORT.

THIS IS AN ENTIRELY

DIFFERENT EVENT ALTOGETHER.

AAA AAAA!

[CRACKS KNUCKLES]

AAH!

DO IT! YES!

[MAKING SQUEAKY NONSENSE WORDS]

HA HA HA!

OH, I'M SO HAPPY.

HA HA HA! WHAT IS IT?

OH, THANK YOU.

I HAVEN'T A CLUE.

MISS MOUSE AMERICA.

HA HA HA! GET OUT OF HERE.

I FEEL GREAT.

AFTER TODAY, I WILL BE THROUGH WITH THIS BET.

I'LL HAVE THE CABIN, I'LL HAVE THE PICASSO,

BUT BEST OF ALL,

I WILL HAVE THE GIRL.

I'M GOING TO HAVE TO WRITE NED A THANK-YOU NOTE.

I'M NOT GOING TO CALL OFF THE ENGAGEMENT WITH VERONICA.

I'M NOT GOING TO RUSH IT EITHER.

A COUPLE YEARS DOWN THE LINE

WHEN A LITTLE TAYLOR SOUNDS LIKE A GOOD IDEA,

WE'LL TIE THE KNOT.

I REALLY LOVE THIS GIRL.

HA HA HA! STOP THAT.

AH.

LET'S SIT HERE.

YEAH.

AH.

WHY DO I HAVE A FEELING

IT'S TIME FOR A SERIOUS TALK?

YOU KNOW ME PRETTY WELL.

SEE, IT'S JUST THAT, UM...

AAH.

TAYLOR, YOU'RE NERVOUS.

NO, I'M NOT.

YES, YOU ARE.

YOU'RE MY FAVORITE PERSON.

OH, BOY.

OH, GOD.

OH.

YOU KNOW, ALL MY LIFE

I WAS CONVINCED

I WAS RESPONSIBLE FOR MY OWN HAPPINESS.

I COULD NEVER DEPEND ON ANYONE ELSE TO GIVE IT TO ME.

BUT I WAS WRONG.

YOU'VE GIVEN IT TO ME.

COME ON. SIT DOWN.

VERONICA, MARRY ME.

MARRY YOU? HA HA HA!

I CAN'T MARRY YOU.

I THOUGHT YOU WANTED TO MOVE IN TOGETHER.

I DO! AND HAVE KIDS AND GROW OLD.

YEAH, WELL, I'D WANT TO TRY IT OUT FIRST.

LIVE TOGETHER FOR A FEW MONTHS, SEE HOW WE GET ALONG.

HOW WE GET ALONG? HOW WE GET ALONG?

YOU DO THE MOUSE OLYMPICS WITH EVERYONE?

I THINK THERE'S MORE TO MARRIAGE THAN MOUSE OLYMPICS.

YEAH, SO DO I.

THERE'S A LOT MORE.

THERE'S CARING.

VERONICA, I CARE ABOUT YOU VERY MUCH.

YOU MAKE ME LAUGH AT MYSELF.

YOU KNOW WHAT YOU HAVE?

YOU HAVE MY HEART.

AND YOU KNOW WHAT?

I DON'T WANT YOU TO LET GO.

I WANT TO HAVE TERRIBLE FIGHTS WITH YOU

AND KNOW THAT YOU'RE NOT GOING ANYWHERE.

KNOW THAT I'M NOT GOING ANYWHERE.

I WANT TO PICK THINGS OUT WITH YOU

AND BUY THEM!

I WANT A...

YOU KNOW WHAT, I WANT A...

AAH! I WANT A COMMITMENT!

AAH!

MAKE ONE WITH ME.

OH, MY GOD. I'VE BEEN SWEPT OFF MY FEET.

IS THAT A YES?

YES.

YES!

I WANT TO MARRY YOU NOW...

TODAY.

WELL, HOW ABOUT SOMETIME THIS MONTH?

I GOT TO TELL HER ABOUT THE BET.

PRETTY IRONIC, HUH?

SAME THING THAT GOT ME INTO THIS

COULD TAKE IT ALL AWAY.

POETIC JUSTICE DOESN'T FEEL SO GOOD.

THAT WAS NICE.

WE'RE HERE.

VERONICA, I'VE DONE SOME THINGS IN MY PAST

I'M NOT PROUD OF.

I DON'T WANT TO HEAR ABOUT THEM.

YEAH, BUT, SEE, THERE'S THIS ONE THING

IN MY VERY RECENT PAST,

SOMETHING I REALIZE IN RETROSPECT

WASN'T VERY NICE.

SOMETHING THAT INVOLVED A FEW INNOCENT PEOPLE.

SOMETHING THAT NOW THAT MY...UM...

SINGLE DAYS ARE BEHIND ME,

I REALIZE WAS NOT VERY NICE.

ARE YOU PLANNING ON DOING IT AGAIN?

NO.

ARE YOU A CRIMINAL?

GOD, NO!

THEN DON'T TELL ME.

THERE YOU HAVE IT.

HOWEVER...

YOU BETTER MARRY ME SOON,

LIKE BEFORE I SEE YOUR FACE

ON THE POST OFFICE WALL.

HOW ABOUT SATURDAY?

I HAVE TO BE AT CLAIRE'S IN 3 HOURS.

I'M MEETING THAT ELEANOR LADY.

I THINK I CAN SQUEEZE IN A BLOOD TEST.

DO ME A FAVOR. WHAT?

LET'S WAIT. TELL NED AND CLAIRE TOGETHER.

YOU'RE RIGHT.

THEY'D PROBABLY NEVER BELIEVE JUST ONE OF US.

[DOG BARKING]

GOOD WEEKEND, HUH?

MMM...

ARE WE TALKING GIRL IN LOVE HERE?

YES, BUT I'M NOT

SUPPOSED TO SAY ANYTHING ABOUT IT.

I PROMISED HIM I WOULDN'T.

ARE YOU MOVING IN WITH HIM?

I CAN'T TELL YOU.

ARE YOU GETTING MARRIED?

I'M NOT SUPPOSED TO TELL YOU.

OH, MY GOD!

[MUFFLED SCREAM]

IS HE A GREAT LAY?

OH...

AS A MATTER OF FACT, HE IS.

WELL, SOLD. GOOD.

I HAD A CHANCE TO MARRY A GREAT LAY ONCE,

BUT I DIDN'T.

I MARRIED HOWARD SR.,

THE RICHEST, SWEETEST,

MOST APPROPRIATE PERSON I COULD FIND.

AND FOR 12 YEARS...

I MANAGED TO GO THROUGH LIFE AS IF THE REST...

DIDN'T MATTER TO ME.

AND THEN I MET THIS MAN.

HOW HE EVER FOUND ME, I HAVE NO IDEA,

BUT HE KNEW EXACTLY WHAT I NEEDED,

AND HE GAVE IT TO ME.

AND HE STILL GIVES IT TO ME

AND GIVES IT TO ME AND GIVES IT TO ME.

I CAN'T THINK OF ANYTHING ELSE.

WHO KNEW?

HA HA HA!

ENOUGH ABOUT ME. WHAT'S YOUR FELLOW LIKE?

OH...WELL.

[KIDS ARGUING]

EXCUSE ME.

GIVE ME IT!

IT'S MY TAPE!

IT'S MINE!

WHAT IS GOING ON HERE?

SHE PUT A TAPE ON, AND YOU SAID

WE SHOULD NEVER DO THAT.

I WANT TO SEE MARY POPPINS.

YOU DO?

THAT'S NOT MARY POPPINS,

AND YOU'RE GOING TO GET A TIME-OUT.

YOU'RE GOING TO GET A TIME-OUT, TOO.

ARE NOT.

ARE, TOO. ARE NOT.

QUIET, KIDS!

GO TO YOUR ROOM. GO TO YOUR ROOM.

Erin: TAYLOR.

I KNEW WE'D BE SENT TO OUR ROOM.

WILL YOU MARRY ME?

YEEEA!

IS THAT A YES?

CAN I HEAR THAT PRECIOUS WORD?

OH, OH, YES, TAYLOR.

I WILL MARRY YOU.

THAT'S MY TAYLOR.

THAT'S MY TAYLOR.

TAKE ME, TAYLOR.

THAT'S HER TAYLOR.

NED, NED, NOT ONLY AM I 1/3 OF THE WAY

TO TEACHING YOU A LESSON AND WINNING THIS BET,

BUT TONIGHT I WILL BE LYING WITH THE GODS!

NED.

WHAT?

WEDDING?

WEDDING. ST. JAMES CHAPEL, 2:00 SATURDAY.

CIGAR.

CIGAR?

ROCKET,

YOU'RE NOT GETTING THE PAINTING.

NO TAPE, NO PAINTING.

NED, I CANNOT BELIEVE HOW IMMATURE YOU ARE BEING.

DO YOU EXPECT ME TO SHOW YOU A TAPE

OF THE WOMAN I LOVE ACCEPTING MY PROPOSAL?

IF YOU WANT THE PAINTING.

PAINTING? PAINTING! IT'S NOT ABOUT A PAINTING.

IT'S ABOUT HUMAN BEINGS.

IT'S NOT ABOUT A STUPID BET.

PEOPLE!

I'M ASHAMED OF THAT BET.

IT'S CONTEMPTIBLE! REALLY.

PLAYING WITH PEOPLE'S LIVES THAT WAY.

YOU SHOULD ALL BE ASHAMED,

ESPECIALLY YOU, NED.

WELL, I NEVER THOUGHT YOU'D WIN.

WIN?

THAT'S NOT THE POINT.

THE POINT IS, I AM OUT. OUT!

YOU'RE SERIOUS?

YES.

YOU'RE REALLY GOING TO MARRY HER?

YES, I AM.

FORGET THE BET.

GOOD MAN.

I STILL GET MY $400 THOUGH, RIGHT?

ALL BETS ARE OFF.

WHAT ABOUT ERIN AND ELEANOR?

I'LL HANDLE IT.

HEY, TAYLOR. HOW ARE YOU?

HEY, IRA.

TRACEY. THANKS. SEE YOU TOMORROW.

IT'S WEDNESDAY,

AND EVERYTHING IS WORKING OUT JUST GREAT.

TOMORROW, I'M GOING TO HAVE ONE LAST LUNCH WITH ERIN.

SHE'LL CALL OFF THE WEDDING BY DESSERT, TRUST ME.

BY FRIDAY, ELEANOR SHOULD GET THIS LETTER.

I TOLD HER IT WAS TIME TO PUT HER PASSION BACK INTO HER MARRIAGE.

MARRIAGE.

I'M GETTING MARRIED TO VERONICA ON SATURDAY.

DID YOU EVER THINK IT WAS GOING TO WORK OUT THIS WELL? HA!

[JAWS-LIKE MUSIC]

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

HI, TAYLOR.

HI.

AMY!

DO THE STATION A FAVOR, AND CALL THIS ELEANOR BACK!

THURSDAY, 9:00 A.M. "I WANT TO SEE YOU."

9:15, "WHERE ARE YOU?"

9:30, "I NEED YOU." ET CETERA, ET CETERA.

HERE'S A SMART GIRL.

"CAN'T MAKE LUNCH TODAY, HOW ABOUT FRIDAY? ERIN."

Man: IT WILL BE NICE TO SEE YOU, TOO.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

HI. WORTH. 1:00. FOR TWO.

YES. THE YOUNG LADY IS INSIDE.

AHH.

[STRING INSTRUMENTS PLAYING]

SIR, SHE--

HELLO.

TAYLOR.

YOU CAN'T MAKE IT?

I KNOW WE'VE GOT A LOT TO TALK ABOUT.

YOU SAID YOU'D MAKE YOUR DECISION BY NOW.

NO, I CAN'T WAIT TILL NEXT WEEK.

IT'S GOT TO BE TOMORROW IN THE MORNING.

UH, FINE, FINE.

YOUR HOUSE, 11:00.

YEAH, YEAH, THANK YOU. BYE.

HI, TAYLOR.

WHERE ARE YOU?

WHY HAVEN'T YOU CALLED ME?

YOU'VE BEEN VERY NAUGHTY.

MOMMY'S GOING TO HAVE TO PUNISH YOU.

HI.

HELLO, TAYLOR.

I'VE MADE MY DECISION.

WHATEVER IT IS, I'LL UNDERSTAND.

COME ON IN.

I MAY HAVE TIME FOR A HAIRCUT BEFORE THE WEDDING.

SURPRISE! SURPRISE!

MOM AND DAD, THIS IS TAYLOR.

SON.

Mom: OH, TAYLOR.

ERIN, CAN I TALK TO YOU FOR A MINUTE?

Not right now.

WHERE IS THAT PARTY MIX?

WELCOME TO THE FAMILY, SON.

HEY, HI! I'M CHIP, BROTHER OF THE BRIDE.

OH, DON'T WORRY ABOUT THAT.

YOU'LL HAVE PLENTY OF TIME

FOR TALKING AFTER YOU'RE MARRIED...

LIKE ON YOUR WEDDING NIGHT.

HA HA HA!

GOD, I LOVE ERIN.

SHE'S MY FAVORITE NIECE.

YOU KNOW, IT'S JUST LIKE HER

TO FIND SOMEBODY LIKE YOU TO MARRY.

I MEAN, WHAT A HEART ON THAT GIRL.

ALWAYS BRINGING HOME SOME LIMPING PUPPY

OR BIRD WITH A BROKEN WING.

ERIN, ERIN, CAN I TALK TO YOU?

HAVE YOU TRIED THE STAMP TEST?

THE WHAT?

THE STAMP TEST.

YOU TAKE A FEW STAMPS FROM A ROLL,

ENOUGH TO CIRCLE YOUR PENIS.

I'D SAY IN YOUR CASE... ABOUT 5.

PUT THEM ON BEFORE YOU GO TO BED.

OVERLAP THEM JUST ENOUGH SO YOU CAN LICK ONE

TO MAKE THEM STICK.

NOW, IF THEY BREAK OFF DURING THE NIGHT,

YOUR PROBLEM IS UP HERE.

YOU WANT TO KNOW WHY?

WHY?

ERIN!

YOU DON'T HAVE TO YELL, HONEY.

I'M RIGHT HERE.

ERIN, HOW COULD YOU TELL EVERYONE?

HUH?

THIS WAS SUPPOSED TO BE PERSONAL.

HONEY, I JUST TALKED ABOUT IT WITH MY FAMILY

AND SOME OF THE GUYS ON THE TEAM.

SOME OF THE GUYS ON THE TEAM!

AND THE COACH.

THE COACH! DAMN IT, ERIN!

THEY ALL SEEM TO AGREE

THAT AFTER THE FIRST YEAR OF MARRIAGE,

SEX ISN'T THAT IMPORTANT.

SEX IS THE CORNERSTONE OF INTIMACY.

INTIMACY, SCHMINTIMACY.

I GOT A HUNCH ABOUT YOU, TAYLOR.

I THINK YOUR PROBLEM'S JUST WITH WOMEN.

I KNOW YOU WOULD LOOK GOOD IN ROSE,

BUT LILLIAN WOULD LOOK AWFUL, YOU KNOW.

WE'RE NOT GETTING MARRIED.

ERIN, I CAN'T MARRY YOU.

YOU CAN, AND YOU WILL.

I WANT TO PROPOSE A TOAST.

A TOAST! HEY! RIGHT!

NO, STAY THERE, SON. TODAY...

IS THE HAPPIEST DAY OF MY LIFE.

MY LITTLE GIRL'S ENGAGED.

SHE'S GOT HERSELF A WONDERFUL GUY.

OF COURSE, I'D BE A LITTLE HAPPIER

IF HE COULD FUNCTION AS A REAL MAN,

BUT EVEN SO, IT'S THE HAPPIEST DAY OF MY LIFE.

HIP HIP!

HOORAY!

* FOR HE'S A JOLLY GOOD FELLOW *

* FOR HE'S A JOLLY GOOD FELLOW *

* FOR HE'S A JOLLY GOOD FELLOW *

* WHICH NOBODY CAN DENY

* WHICH NOBODY CAN DENY

* WHICH NOBODY CAN DENY

* FOR HE'S A JOLLY GOOD--**

OH!

HI, HONEY.

YOU'RE HOME.

YEAH. I'M HOME.

WHERE ARE YOU?

I'M HOME, TOO.

I KNOW WHAT'S BOTHERING YOU.

NO. NO, YOU DON'T.

SEX.

NO.

YOU'RE AFRAID IT'S GOING TO BE ROUTINE

NOW THAT WE'RE LIVING TOGETHER.

IT WON'T BE.

I PROMISE.

LOOK!

OH!

JESUS!

LET'S PARTY.

AAH!

IT'S BEEN A REALLY BAD DAY.

YOU PROBABLY THINK I DESERVE THIS, DON'T YOU?

GO AHEAD. SAY IT.

WHO ARE YOU TALKING TO?

AAH!

CAN YOU WASH MY BACK?

[WHISTLES] HEY!

HEY, TAXI!

[WHISTLES]

TAYLOR! NEED A RIDE TO THE WEDDING?

YES!

I'M JUST GOING TO DROP THESE KIDS OFF, OK?

MOMMY, JASON HIT ME!

TELL JASON YOU DON'T LIKE IT.

JASON, I DON'T LIKE IT!

I DON'T LIKE IT!

GOOD.

CLAIRE, CAN YOU DROP ME OFF FIRST?

HI, TAYLOR! HI, TAYLOR!

WE'RE OFF!

CLAIRE, DID YOU HEAR ME?

HEY, PIRATE. COULD YOU MOVE YOUR ICE CREAM A LITTLE?

MARVIN DROPPED HIS ICE CREAM ON TAYLOR.

MOMMY, I LOST MY BALLOON.

CAN WE STOP?

NO!

SURE WE CAN, SWEETIE.

THE WEDDING WAS SUPPOSED TO START 5 MINUTES AGO.

TAYLOR, THEY'RE NOT GOING TO START WITHOUT YOU!

LEFT. LEFT!

CLAIRE, LEFT!

TURN LEFT!

WHOA!

RELAX! THERE'S NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT!

OH, I'M GETTING CARSICK.

NOW, THAT'S SOMETHING TO WORRY ABOUT.

JASON'S THROWING UP ON ME.

TELL JASON YOU DON'T LIKE IT.

NONE OF US LIKES IT.

I HAVE TO GET TO THE WEDDING!

STOP THE CAR!

YOU'RE SO ON EDGE! TAKE A VALIUM!

WHAT'S A VALIUM?

IT'S LIKE A NAP.

OH.

BYE, TAYLOR!

BYE, TAYLOR!

BYE, TAYLOR!

OH, THERE HE IS.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THE GROOM.

WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?

IT'S 31 FLAVORS.

YOU LOOK DISGUSTING!

HERE. COME ON. LET'S GET A SHOT HERE.

THAT'S NICE. THAT'S GOOD.

COME ON. GET UP THERE.

GO! GO!

GOD...

I CAN'T BELIEVE IT. I'M WALKING DOWN THE AISLE.

[HUMS FUNERAL DIRGE]

[CONGREGATION WHISPERING]

[FOOTSTEPS]

[ORGAN PLAYS WAGNER'S BRIDAL MARCH]

HI.

SEEING YOU RIGHT NOW MADE ME REALIZE SOMETHING.

DEEP DOWN INSIDE, I DIDN'T THINK YOU'D BE HERE.

THANK YOU FOR BEING HERE.

LET'S GET MARRIED.

SHALL WE BEGIN NOW?

YES.

[CLEARS THROAT]

EVERY COUPLE HAS ITS OWN STORY.

IT'S BEEN MY OBSERVATION THAT THE MORE INTERESTING THE STORY,

THE BETTER THE MARRIAGE,

AND IT LOOKS TO ME

LIKE TAYLOR AND VERONICA

ARE GOING TO HAVE A WONDERFUL MARRIAGE.

ALL OF US ARE GATHERED HERE TODAY

TO WITNESS AND SUPPORT THAT UNION.

TAYLOR WORTH, DO YOU TAKE VERONICA BRISKOW

TO BE YOUR LAWFULLY WEDDED WIFE,

TO HAVE AND TO HOLD,

FOR BETTER OR FOR WORSE,

IN SICKNESS AND IN HEALTH,

TO LOVE AND TO CHERISH

FROM THIS DAY FORWARD,

TILL DEATH DO YOU PART?

I DO.

VERONICA BRISKOW, DO YOU TAKE TAYLOR WORTH

TO BE YOUR LAWFULLY WEDDED HUSBAND,

FOR BETTER OR FOR WORSE,

IN SICKNESS AND IN HEALTH,

TO LOVE AND TO CHERISH FROM THIS DAY FORWARD,

TILL DEATH DO YOU PART?

I'D NEVER MARRY HIM.

AND YOU CAN BET ON IT!

[ORGAN PLAYING]

[ORGAN PLAYS MENDELSSOHN'S WEDDING MARCH]

TAYLOR...

DID SHE SAY SHE WAS GOING TO MARRY YOU?

AND YOU BELIEVED IT.

THIS WAS A SETUP.

I DON'T KNOW.

I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT THIS.

NED.

OH, GOD.

CLAIRE...

CLAIRE!

CLAIRE? CLAIRE?

[TOILET FLUSHES]

VERONICA...MARRY ME.

I CAN'T MARRY YOU. I THOUGHT YOU WANTED TO MOVE IN TOGETHER.

I DO! AND HAVE KIDS AND GROW OLD.

HA HA HA!

I'D WANT TO TRY IT OUT FIRST,

LIVE TOGETHER FOR A FEW MONTHS,

SEE HOW WE GET ALONG.

HOW WE GET ALONG?

HOW WE GET ALONG?

GO AWAY.

YOU DO THE MOUSE OLYMPICS WITH EVERYONE?

THERE'S MORE TO MARRIAGE THAN MOUSE OLYMPICS.

YEAH, SO DO I. THERE'S A LOT MORE.

I SAID, GO AWAY!

THERE'S CARING.

VERONICA, I CARE ABOUT YOU VERY MUCH.

AW, THE HELL WITH IT.

[DOORBELL BUZZES]

YOU KNOW WHAT YOU HAVE? YOU HAVE MY HEART.

YOU KNOW WHAT? I DON'T WANT YOU TO LET GO.

I WANT TO HAVE TERRIBLE FIGHTS WITH YOU--

YEAH?

Ned: IT'S ME.

GO AWAY.

ARE YOU GOING TO LOCK YOURSELF IN THERE ANOTHER MONTH?

I AM NOT HOME, NED.

I'VE SEEN HER.

KNOW THAT I'M NOT GOING ANYWHERE.

I WANT TO PICK THINGS OUT WITH YOU AND BUY THEM.

WHAT'D SHE SAY?

SHE MENTION ME?

DID SHE TALK ABOUT IT?

HUH?

ACTUALLY, I JUST WATCHED HER GET INTO CLAIRE'S CAR.

I WANT A... YOU KNOW, I WANT A...

AAH! I WANT A COMMITMENT!

AAH!

MAKE ONE WITH ME.

OH, MY GOD.

I'VE BEEN SWEPT OFF MY FEET.

IS THAT A YES?

YES.

YES--

GIVE ME THAT TAPE.

NO.

GIVE ME THE TAPE!

I INSIST YOU GET PROFESSIONAL HELP.

THESE ARE CLASSIC SIGNS OF DEPRESSION.

FURTHERMORE...

NO! GIVE ME THE TAPE!

NO!

NO!

YES, NED! STOP!

UH!

AAAOOOH!

OH!

WHAT?

WHAT? NO! LET ME GO!

THAT'S MY BAD ANKLE.

OHH!

OHH!

UH!

OHH!

OHH!

DON'T BE AN ASSHOLE.

THERE'S A REAL VERONICA OUT THERE.

WHO HATES ME.

YOU DON'T KNOW THAT.

NED...

I PROPOSED TO HER TO WIN A BET.

YEAH. THAT'S PRETTY FUCKED.

IT WAS YOUR IDEA!

WELL, YEAH...

I'M SORRY.

I JUST THOUGHT IT WOULD BE A GOOD IDEA

FOR YOU TO SUFFER.

YEAH? WELL, HERE IT IS.

TAKE A GOOD LOOK.

HOPE YOU'RE HAPPY.

YOU HATE ME, DON'T YOU?

YOU HATE ME.

NO.

BUT YOU HAVE EVERY RIGHT TO.

BUT I ASSUME,

SINCE I'M NOT OUT THERE ON THE STREET

WITH THAT TAPE, THAT YOU'VE FORGIVEN ME.

AM I RIGHT?

WELL?

MAYBE VERONICA COULD DO THE SAME WITH YOU.

I THINK IT'S DIFFERENT BETWEEN A MAN AND A WOMAN.

NOT AS DIFFERENT AS YOU THINK.

MAYBE THAT'S BEEN PART OF YOUR PROBLEM.

DID CLAIRE FORGIVE YOU?

YES...

BUT I HAD TO ASK.

WELL... BEG, ACTUALLY.

BEG.

THANKS.

WELL, OUR NEXT ITEM

COMES FROM OUR GREAT FOOTBALL TEAM, THE EAGLES.

OF COURSE, THEY'RE GREAT NOW.

FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO GREW UP HERE AS I DID,

YOU REMEMBER WHAT THEY USED TO BE LIKE.

THEY WERE IN LAST PLACE SO MANY YEARS,

WE USED TO READ THE SPORTS PAGE UPSIDE-DOWN

JUST TO FEEL WHAT IT'D BE LIKE

TO SEE OUR TEAM IN FIRST PLACE.

WELL, WE HAVE HERE A GREAT ITEM.

IT'S A JERSEY WORN BY OUR VERY OWN

TERRY CHILDS HERE.

YAY!

NOW, WHO'S GOING TO START THE BIDDING

ON THIS JERSEY?

$200.

COME ON! THE MAN SACKED ELWAY TWICE

WEARING THIS VERY JERSEY!

LET'S GO!

$300.

SOLD FOR $300!

WELL, OUR NEXT ITEM FOR AUCTION

HAS TO BE THE SPECIAL ONE OF THE EVENING,

AND I EXPECT THE BIGGEST RESPONSE TO THIS ONE.

WE ALL ENJOYED MISS BRISKOW'S PLAYING EARLIER THIS EVENING.

[WHISTLING]

WELL, SHE HAS GRACIOUSLY DONATED

TO THE HIGHEST BIDDER

AN EVENING PERFORMANCE AT A PRIVATE PARTY.

HOW'S THAT?

MISS BRISKOW, WOULD YOU COME UP?

COME ON UP.

TAKES A LOT OF GUTS.

I'D NEVER DO MY ACT IN A HOUSE.

SEE ME AT THE KITCHEN--

"PLEASE DON'T EAT THAT. I HAVE A CHICKEN JOKE.

IT'S GREAT. PUT DOWN YOUR SANDWICH."

OK., NOW. LET'S OPEN UP THE BIDDING AT $200.

$200.

$400.

600.

6. DO I HEAR 7?

$1,000.

WOO! $1,000.

GOING ONCE, GOING TWICE...

$2,000.

I HEARD $2,000.

2,200.

3,000.

3,200.

3,200. GOING ONCE...

GOING TWICE.

$4,000 AND A FISHING CABIN.

A FISHING CABIN?

TAYLOR?

LOOK! IT'S OUR VERY OWN CHANNEL 5 WEATHERMAN--

TAYLOR WORTH!

[WHISTLING]

LOOK!

OK!

UH... DO I HEAR 4,200?

4,200.

4,200. OK. GOING ONCE...

OH...

GOING TWICE...

NOT SO FAST, DAVID.

$4,200,

A FISHING CABIN,

AND A PUBLIC PROCLAMATION OF WHAT A CREEP HE IS.

[AUDIENCE GIGGLES]

OOH!

I'M A CREEP.

I'M A BASTARD.

HE'S A GREAT LAY.

I KNEW IT!

I DON'T DESERVE YOU, I KNOW THAT,

BUT I CAN'T IMAGINE NOT LOVING YOU.

YOU'RE BOLD, YOU'RE SPLENDID,

YOU'RE INTRIGUING.

YOU'RE A WHOLE LOT OF THINGS I NEVER KNEW MATTERED.

OH! OH!

VERONICA...

VERONICA...

SAVE ME.

I BEG YOU.

MARRY ME.

IS THAT ALL?

AND A SCRABBLE REMATCH.

UNLIMITED MOUSE OLYMPICS?

I'LL EVEN BECOME A METEOROLOGIST.

THEN KISS ME!

OHH! OHH!

SOLD FOR $4,200, A FISHING CABIN,

A PUBLIC PROCLAMATION OF WHAT A CREEP HE IS,

A SCRABBLE REMATCH, UNLIMITED MOUSE OLYMPICS,

HE'LL BECOME A METEOROLOGIST,

AND A KISS.

[APPLAUSE]

[CHEERING]

PIECE OF CAKE.

* ALL OF MY DAYS

* GONNA GIVE YOU MY LOVE *

* ALL OF MY HEART AND MY SOUL *

* FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE *

* AND ALL OF OUR DREAMS

* GONNA MAKE THEM COME TRUE *

* 'CAUSE THE THRILL OF IT ALL *

* IS TO GIVE YOU MY ALL *

* ALL OF MY DAYS

* I WILL LET YOU IN

* AND THROW AWAY THE KEY

* MY DOOR IS ALWAYS OPEN, OPEN *

* YOU'RE MY FANTASY

* ALL OF MY DAYS

* GONNA GIVE YOU MY LOVE *

* ALL OF MY HEART AND MY SOUL *

* FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE *

* AND ALL OF OUR DREAMS

* ALL OF OUR DREAMS

* GONNA MAKE THEM COME TRUE *

* 'CAUSE THE THRILL OF IT ALL *

* IS TO GIVE YOU MY ALL *

* ALL OF MY DAYS

* WITH EVERY LITTLE WHISPER *

* WHISPER *

* YOU BRING ME TO MY KNEES *

* HOW I LONG TO HOLD YOU, HOLD YOU *

* YOU'RE MY EVERYTHING

* ALL OF MY DAYS

* GONNA GIVE YOU MY LOVE *

* AND ALL OF MY HEART AND MY SOUL *

* FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE *

* AND ALL OF OUR DREAMS

* GONNA MAKE THEM COME TRUE *

* 'CAUSE THE THRILL OF IT ALL *

* IS TO GIVE YOU MY ALL *

* ALL OF MY DAYS

* I FEEL YOU TONIGHT *

* GONNA LOVE YOU CRAZY

* 'CAUSE, BABE, I WANT YOU TO NEED ME *

* TO WANT ME *

* OHHHH, BE MINE *

* TILL THE END OF TIME *

[SAXOPHONE SOLO]

* OHHH-OHHH

* ALL OF MY DAYS

* GONNA GIVE YOU MY LOVE... **