Original subtitles

♪ I won't give up ♪

♪ Sure can't give in ♪

♪ Know where I'm going ♪

♪ See where I've been ♪

♪ Damned if I don't ♪

♪ Damned if I do ♪

♪ I really thought I could make it without you ♪

♪ Can't make it without you now ♪

♪ Can't make it, can't make it ♪

♪ I really thought I could make it without you ♪

♪ Can't make it without you now ♪

♪ I really thought I could make it without you ♪

♪ Can't make it without you now ♪

If there is anyone here that can give cause

as to why these two people should not be united

in holy matrimony, speak now or forever hold your peace.

I can.

And who might you be, sir?

Beth's husband in the eyes of God.

Michael, why are you doing this?

Buzz off, loser.

You do follow the Bible, don't you, minister?

Of course.

The Bible is our sole authority.

Then you know that the Bible says that a believer

can't divorce another believer and then marry someone else

and she's married to a believer, me.

Are you a Catholic?

Yeah, so?

You pagan, heathen Catholics aren't real Christians.

Oh, horsepooey, we are so.

- Are not. - Are so.

- Uh-uh. - Uh-huh.

Uh-uh.

This is stupid.

Well, yeah.

Oh, hey.

Aren't any of you gonna stand up?

You're on your own, weedhopper.

Who cares, it's an open bar.

Beth, don't do this!

That's my wife up there!

There, go gnash your teeth, Bible man.

♪ Maybe life's one big mystery ♪

♪ We only see what we wanna see ♪

♪ You tell me so loud and clear ♪

♪ I tell myself what I wanna hear ♪

♪ May have learned these last few years ♪

♪ How to face your greatest fears ♪

♪ Time has come and we both know ♪

♪ You won't stay and I can't let you go ♪

♪ You won't stay and I can't let you go ♪

♪ You won't stay and I can't let you go ♪

More art, just what we need.

Will you be careful?

This could be worth a lot of money someday, if it survives.

Then put it somewhere where I won't trip over it.

The living room is an artistic obstacle course.

It's great, isn't it?

Ooh.

What?

What are you?

I thought the house next door was vacant.

Must be critters.

With flashlights?

Swamp gas.

You're not even paying attention, look.

You're right, there's some lights.

Should I call the cops?

No.

I don't wanna sound foolish.

Too late.

Wanna play spaceman?

Oh, now you wanna play spaceman?

Anything to get out of these masks.

Did you take the trash can

and the recycling out to the street?

Yes, princess.

Is that a point for me?

Offsetting, back to zero.

Rub my back and maybe we'll see.

Hi.

Can we talk for a minute, please?

Beth.

Beth.

If you don't come out here, I'm gonna strangle this dog.

Ow!

We don't have a dog.

Well, you just saved his life.

Nice car.

Yeah, I'm leaving it to you.

Oh good, I'll trade it for a villa in Tuscany.

What do you want?

I'm just getting my house in order.

Are you going somewhere?

Maybe.

Good, then maybe you'll finally leave us alone.

And then you can contract a legal marriage

with the Church.

You just won't let that die, will you?

No, but before I head off to that big island resort

in the sky, just tell me one thing.

Why did you leave me?

Oh, I've told you a thousand times.

You know very well why.

Beth, as God as my witness, I don't know why.

Last I checked, they still don't let cheaters into heaven.

What?

I never cheated on you.

Sure you did with that bimbo buyer.

Bimbo buyer?

The one you met at the base.

Wait a minute, you mean that purchasing agent

at the air base?

It was David having the affair with her.

Then when I wouldn't lie for him and his girlfriend

at the time found out and dumped him,

he said I'd violated the guy code,

but he still got what he wanted.

That bimbo, I mean purchasing agent,

let him put his name on our bid,

then she awarded it to him personally.

After that, he go it alone and didn't need me anymore.

You're lying.

Oh yeah, I just made that up.

But that's not all.

The agent got caught and David rolled over on her.

Pardon the pun.

Then she went to jail while David was never prosecuted.

Then he stole you, the big prize.

Why couldn't you tell me all this years ago?

I couldn't.

Even if you weren't lying and you are,

you didn't have to hassle and harangue us forever

and we could have dispelled this years ago

and you wouldn't have had to make my life miserable.

Has anyone in the world ever been happy to see you?

He's all yours, David.

What do you want?

The same thing I always want,

for my wife's soul to be safe and holy.

Holy matrimony, Batman, what a surprise.

Pow. Yeah, easy killer.

But just think, if I wasn't around,

you could marry her in the Church

and maybe become a Catholic yourself.

The only way that I would ever become a Catholic

is if Jesus Christ himself came down,

knocked on my door and said, "Oh, I want you."

By the time He came back, it'd be too late for ya.

Okay then, if the Pope asks me, then I'll become Catholic.

Yeah, the Pope, that's a ticket.

Tell him drop in anytime.

Well, at least you still love me.

Did you steal the company?

I had to take over.

He destroyed the company's integrity.

It was a matter of survival.

And what about me?

Someone's gonna take care of you, so I did.

David Paul Sheba, if you are lying.

Shh.

David, how come we never pray together?

Pray?

You knew I wasn't a praying man when you married me.

Well,

at least you weren't praying with me at the same time

you were cheating on me.

Please, sit, sit.

I am so happy and blessed to see you all here today.

There are so many people from different countries

here in Cleveland for the World Youth Day.

It is an amazing sign of unity to see all the people

of different sizes and shapes and colors

sharing our beloved Catholic faith with each other.

It is, it is like a little bit of heaven

right here on the lake.

Tell us, Your Holiness,

how does it feel being the first African Pope?

Well, I would not know.

That happened in the first century of the Church.

I am the fourth African Pope.

In the first 300 years of the Church,

each Pope was guaranteed to be martyred for the faith.

I do not think that the pool of applicants was very large.

It used to be that when people wanted to state the obvious,

they would say, "Is the Pope Catholic?"

It's okay, you can laugh.

And many years later, it became, "Is the Pope Polish?"

Still, it's okay, you can laugh.

Then sent John Paul II effectively

killed off all Polish Popes.

Why?

How many Poles does it take to defeat the Soviet Union?

Anyone?

No one?

Just one.

Now the latest joke is, "Is the Pope Black?"

Yes.

Do you know any good ones?

It's been a long trip and the Holy Father is a very tired.

Tomorrow he will be at various World Youth Day venues

to smell the sheep, as it were.

And then two days from now,

the Pope will celebrate a large outdoor Mass

at Lakefront Airport.

We're expecting more than 2 million people for the Mass.

I understand that's more than when the Calves

won the NBA Championship in 2016.

That's right.

If it's big, it's happening in Cleveland.

Eat your hear out, Cincinnati.

You got any threes?

No, Cardinal Cariott, go fish.

Oh, ha!

A bishop and do you have any trays?

What's a tray?

Threes.

Oh, well then, no.

Monsignor, do you have any sixes?

Hmm, do you?

Oh, Monsignor.

I have.

No worries.

Oh.

Wouldn't it be great if Revelation had a key to the numbers?

Come, on play.

Cariott's losing again.

- What? - He always loses, always.

It's terrible, it's the easiest game.

I win at swimming.

When was the last time you went swimming?

I'm a master backstroker.

Yes.

You're going to go out to the Lake Erie

and do a little bit of that while we're in town.

I float very well.

That's wonderful.

I can stay floating for hours.

I'm like a upside down whale.

Dear Lord, I know this World Youth Day

was scheduled before I was elected,

but why did You choose me?

I am no good at this glad-handy.

I don't even know why you made me a bishop and a cardinal,

let alone the Pope.

I fear that I will be a lousy shepherd

and the wolves will ravage Your flock.

Please,

take this cup from me,

even if it means I have to die.

Commence Operation Pope Drops In.

Showtime.

Coffee.

Coffee.

They don't have any coffee inside?

Describing what they have in there as coffee

would be a sin against the eighth commandment.

I like this car.

It's a nice color.

I got stuck with a whole fleet of these Fiats

because my predecessor did not want to offend the Italians,

so I had them painted Church colors.

Mary Blue, Martha Red, Ordinary Green and Latarra Pink.

Latarra Pink.

Yes, we only take those out a couple of Sundays a year.

What, no Prince of Peace Purple?

No, apparently some rock star's estate

owns everything purple.

Oh.

Coffee?

Can I ask you a special favor?

Go on, my son.

I need you to go with me to visit someone

who needs to come back to the faith.

I don't think I have time.

Not have time to save a soul?

You know, I have many commitments.

I do, and I only have one,

but it's a very important one.

In fact, there's none more important than this.

And if I won't go?

Then I will have to insist.

So, you are kidnapping me, eh?

If that's what you wanna call it.

Know you can go to jail for this?

You know when Jesus says to Peter, "When you are old,

you will stretch out your hands and others will dress you

and take you where you don't want to go"?

Yes, I know the passage.

Well, now is that time, Peter.

I don't think this particular time

is what he was referring to.

Probably not, but it'll have to do.

Is that gun?

It's my finger.

Did you cry at the end of "Field of Dreams?"

Yeah, of course.

Me too.

All right, how long will this take?

They'll hardly miss you.

Here you go.

Who are you?

Spiro.

I am the Pope.

I know who you are.

Nice color, this car, Mary Blue.

We're riding in Mary's Fiat, how appropriate.

How old are you?

Old enough to go on an adventure.

I am sure this violates

some sort of child protection protocol.

No, it doesn't.

Let the little children come to me.

Kids need adults around.

So where are we headed, Michael?

South and West, Cincinnati.

Wait, he can't go.

Sure he can, it'll be fun.

Are you nuts?

I'm kidnapping the Pope, of course I am.

This better be life or death.

Oh, it's more than that.

So you are in cahoots.

You might say that.

Hey, there are only four holes.

Carrying charges.

Funny guy.

Here, you want one?

♪ Rock and roll makes me speed ♪

♪ Driving my car like a trusty steed ♪

♪ Crossing the river deep and wide ♪

♪ Headed outta town on Riverside Drive ♪

♪ Riverside Drive is calling ♪

♪ Makes me feel so young and alive ♪

♪ Riverside Drive is calling ♪

♪ Heaven must be something like Riverside Drive ♪

♪ Heaven must be something like Riverside Drive ♪

♪ Heaven must be something like Riverside Drive ♪

I really appreciate this.

Let's just get it over with.

Who are we going to see?

Some people you have a natural affinity for,

a divorced and remarried, non-practicing Catholic

and her not-anything spouse who broke up her first marriage.

And how are you connected?

The guy's my ex-business partner who stole the business.

The woman is my wife.

He stole her too.

I don't think it's very wise for me

to become involved in a domestic disturbance.

Oh you mean husband pummels Pope

who was visiting wife, film at 11.

Pummel?

I don't want to be pummeled.

Are you sure you should be doing this?

Giving your love to someone who betrays you

is the story of Jesus.

He is right, you know.

So, what do you do in your spare time?

Spare time.

You mean when I am not being Vicar of Christ,

head of the Universal Church,

and Servant of all servants to God?

Yeah, that.

Love to bowl.

Play a little bowling ball.

It's so exciting, I love it.

You know any good jokes?

Spiro, he's not the Church jester.

No, no, no, no, no, no, he's okay, he's okay.

Ah, everyone listening?

Aah, okay, okay, okay.

Why did the theologian cross the road?

To observe the good Samaritan.

So you have heard this one before.

Okay, so why did the Good Samaritan cross the road?

Ah, to help the guy who was beaten up.

Eh, wrong.

To get away from the theologian.

How is that funny?

You gotta work on your standup.

Dying is easy, but comedy, comedy is hard.

The banyo, please.

I need to go next stop, please.

Bishop, it appears the Pope is headed out of town.

Why, I don't know, and where he's going, I can't tell.

How do you know that?

Ah, I have a new and improved Pope tracker on my phone.

As long as he has his smartphone on him, we can find him.

Now then, do you have any men

you can put on this, tough ones?

Let me think.

Well, there's always the Kamaraza brothers.

The the Karamaza brothers.

No, the Kamaraza brothers.

That's what I said, Karamaza brothers.

The K brothers, but can you assure me, are they discreet?

My name is Dimitri Leoni Disputin Kamarazo.

This is my brother, Alioso Theodore Pavlonavich Kamarazo.

We call him Vepos.

Gentlemen, sit.

Make yourself comfortable.

Now then, I have a mission for you.

It is nothing less than saving the Church.

I need you to find the Pope.

The Pope is missing?

Either that or he has been kidnapped.

We will find him, Your Eminence,

and we will bring him back safely.

I swear.

Do not swear, we are in mixed company.

Sorry.

Gentlemen, allow me to confer for a moment

with Monsignor Riacco.

Okay, so Monsignor, I was going to pay these two yodel heads

to make sure the Pope never returned,

but now I think they are more likely to accomplish that

by trying to save him.

What do you think?

Right, we can send them on a perilous quest

wherein they will die, along with the Pope,

and then you'll be a shoo-in to be the Pope

at the next conclave.

They know we're here, right?

They understand we are two feet from them.

I'm sure they know that they are doing.

I'm sure.

They're a very organized religion.

This is very true.

What shall we have them do?

Zip lining with loose connections?

Too obvious.

Bungee jumping with too long of a cord.

Too much fun.

Sabotage the tire swing over the lake.

We're not sending him to summer camp.

Look at their face.

Sorry.

We could tell them that he needs to survive

a snake bite in his sleep.

And then we let them have one

that they let loose in the room.

It's very biblical, very Sherlock.

Too Pentecostal.

What's his kryptonite?

We cart, ooh, we could make him run 'till he drops.

For what reason?

You're right.

Wait a minute.

He's got seasonal allergies.

So?

So we tell the boys he has to be locked away

in the dungeon of a castle until he completes

substitutional penance for all the scandals of the Church.

And no one can interrupt him

or he has to start all over again,

one day for every bad priest in the last 100 years.

What will that do?

He'll like that.

No food.

We tell these honyocks only angels can come and feed him.

They'll lock him away 'till nobody's there

and that moldy old castle will kill him in no time.

- Brilliant. - I know.

Now we just need a castle.

Let's search, castles near me.

Ah, here we are. Huh.

White Castle.

Oh, that's not right.

That's a chain that sells onion burgers.

- Burgers. - No, onion burgers.

We're trying to starve him to death, not torture him.

Me know castle.

It is in Loveland.

Gentlemen, you're about to embark on a quest.

You need to capture the Pope and take him to the...

White Castle.

The one you said.

- Loveland. - Loveland, the castle.

And have him do penance for the Universal Church.

It's tough love, my brothers, tough love.

The future of the Church depends on you.

Here, take this phone.

It's set to track the Pope's location.

And gentlemen, I gave up anger for Lent,

so don't piss me off.

Aye aye, sir.

You have no problem.

Yes, now you understand.

Fine.

Good, good.

- We will do fine. - We'll do fine.

We have to do this. You have to leave.

Must find, find Pope.

Get out!

Leave!

- Go, nice to meet you. - Bye-bye.

Au revoir.

They are very nice, I think.

Do you think it will work?

Let's just say my miter size is a 7 1/2.

Hello, Mary.

Welcome, would you like to try a tasting flight?

Sure.

Not for me, I'm driving.

But how about a glass of wine for our friend?

- Okay. - And I'll take a grape juice.

All right.

In that case I'll have what he's having.

Oh, wine for your friend and grape juice for you.

You know, your friend there looks familiar.

Oh yeah, lots of people say he looks like the Pope.

No, that's not it.

We ordered you a glass of wine.

Thank you.

Blood of the Grape.

What is the significance of that name?

My late husband and I thought it would be an honor

to make the wine that turns into the actual blood

of Christ at Mass, so the blood of the grape

becomes the blood of the Lamb.

Good for you.

May I purchase a case?

This is all I have left of the sacramental wine.

We had Jesuits in last week and they cleaned me out.

Well, let's just hope they don't turn it back into water.

Nobody move.

Good.

Follow my lead.

Squirrel!

Oh, I love squirrel.

What is squirrel?

Oh, where'd they go?

Oh!

Don't mess with the Mike, wherever you are.

And you're out!

Nice shot, but let's see what the judges have to say.

It was just war theory.

Proportional response.

Self-defense.

Okay.

The judges will accept that. The judges will accept that.

Good, now let's get out of here.

The wine!

Hurry, hurry!

Come on, come on, come on, come on, hurry.

Bless you, my son.

Stop!

Get in.

- What are you doing? - All right.

I always stop for hitchhikers.

And he gives them 20s.

Why you think they pick up bottle guy?

Because he obviously want second hostage.

Oh, he's very smart.

Oh, you're very smart.

My calf, my leg, my back leg is hurt.

I get Charles horse.

Hi, I'm Jesse.

This is Michael and that's Papa.

The real thing.

Yep, but nobody believes it.

Well, he doesn't seem very Pope-ish.

He's a little timid yet, but we're working on it.

Hey guys, I am right here.

See, he's just getting better at asserting himself.

Just give him some time.

Oh, this trip will be good for him.

Hey, no touching, no touching.

What are you guys, shrinks?

Testy.

So what's the mission?

Tell him, Papa.

You can tell him.

I can't even believe that I am doing this.

Okay, so, Michael is trying to save his wife

who divorced him and married his ex-business partner

who stole the company and his wife some 20 years ago.

Why? Because Michael would not lie for him to his girlfriend

about his infidelities many years before.

Now this same said ex-business partner has told Michael

that he will become a Christian and join the Church

only if the Pope drops in and ask him personally

and we are on our way to Cincinnati to do just that.

Clear?

Crystal.

Good.

What if David reneges?

How do we know his name?

I wouldn't mind some help around here sometimes.

I help, I make the money.

Oh sure.

Porsche is nothing but Brutus' harlot.

What?

This isn't a business, this is a marriage.

Where's this coming from?

Do you know what day it is?

Seven chances and six don't count.

Really?

I know it's not "don't hassle your husband day."

Nope.

It's our anniversary.

So tell me more about this situation

before I go and get my head blown off.

You're in no danger.

David knows the truth even if Beth doesn't.

So you think this is partially your fault?

Not that I know of.

I loved my wife dearly.

There's lots of innocent spouses out there.

Nobody's perfect, but a marriage without forgiveness

will always end badly.

Forgiveness.

You know, the Lord says that if we even look

at another woman with lust in our heart,

then we have committed adultery with her.

Look, I certainly appreciate the finer attributes

of feminine pulchritude, but I never acted on it.

I think she just decided she didn't love me anymore

and wanted out.

And why didn't you ask for an annulment?

I had no grounds.

I kept my vow.

Plus David's divorced, too, so even if she asked,

it wouldn't have been enough.

He'd never accept Church authority.

I'm sure he'd say he didn't need it.

The more you tell me about the situation,

the more I doubt it will do any good.

Perhaps, but what are you afraid of?

I am not afraid.

I am being prudent.

No, you're being a coward.

Stop this car.

Pull over.

Pull over now.

It was a dumb idea all the way around.

No!

It's the same thing Jesus did for us.

To who else can we go?

I said I would help and I will.

Michael, I am sorry.

All this wine and running has given me heartburn.

The Pope has ajathu.

What is that?

A Sicilian heartburn.

Oh, I get that a lot in Rome.

Hey, I know that guy, that's Gums and Roses.

- Me too. - Yeah.

All right, now you go to the bathroom

and I'll get you some antacid.

Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, bathroom.

Bathroom, oh.

Whoa.

Hop right in.

Bathroom, bathroom, you stay there.

Step here.

Think I could pass for a cowboy?

No partner, you're all hat and no cattle.

But I have sheep.

That's true.

Here, try these on.

You'll be less conspicuous.

♪ The dude ♪

♪ He's the dude ♪

♪ Sometimes it feels like a ball and chain ♪

♪ Pinned ultimate penance for winning the game ♪

♪ You're no volunteer ♪

♪ They all step back ♪

♪ Surprised your a pontiff, you're a trap ♪

♪ Always be lonely, but never alone ♪

♪ Can't step out for pizza or talk on the phone ♪

♪ So why does this kid feel like you're free ♪

♪ Maybe never go back to see what you see ♪

♪ The dude ♪

♪ He's the dude ♪

♪ He thinks these clothes are less conspicuous ♪

♪ Hate to see what he thinks is ridiculous ♪

♪ Car ride full of itinerary pilgrims ♪

♪ The smell of these sheep is the smell of these humans ♪

♪ So now you're traveling incognito ♪

♪ In a Mary Blue Fiat 5-0-0 ♪

♪ Dude ♪

♪ The dude ♪

♪ You're the dude ♪

♪ He's the dude ♪

Where's the fire up on those threads?

♪ The dude ♪

Oh, Gums is down for ride-a-long.

The more the merrier. ♪ He's the dude ♪

♪ All this chocolate cake ♪

♪ Had enough sugar to make you shake ♪

♪ Caramel icing tasted great ♪

♪ On all this chocolate cake ♪

♪ Well, all my aunts and uncles have died ♪

♪ They all went to the other side ♪

♪ When they got to the pearly gates ♪

♪ Saint Peter handed them chocolate cake ♪

♪ All this chocolate cake ♪

♪ Had enough sugar to make you shake ♪

♪ Caramel icing tasted great ♪

This way.

Cardinal.

This is Dimitri Leoni Dispuk Kamarazo.

We are trapped in a field on a farm with two peacocks.

These two dead batteries

are afraid of a couple of peacocks.

Where are there peacocks in Ohio?

Your Eminence, there are peacocks displaying

all over Ohio, it's the mating season.

Dimitri.

Yeah, here, yes, Your Eminence.

Dimitri!

Tell him something smart.

Dimitri!

Here, it's Webus.

- Who? - The other brother.

Webus, why are you in a field,

a farm in the middle of nowhere with peacocks?

We had to pee.

Dimitri!

Dimitri.

Yeah, yeah, yes.

Drive through the birds and catch up to the Pope.

Dimitri, did you ever play capture the flag?

Well, yes, just last week.

Well, this is capture the Pope.

Now get moving.

So why doesn't the Church put its full weight

behind making divorce illegal?

That is absurd.

No country would pass it.

Well, not with that attitude.

That is temporal, we are spiritual.

It is not our job to politic.

Unless the temporal is destroying the spiritual.

Unless you show some fortitude,

there'll be no one to hide our priests in their basement

when the persecution comes.

You're being a little bit dramatic, don't you think?

Well, just think about it.

All right, I will.

Now, can we stop?

Fine, no more discussion.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

I have to go again.

Oh, okay.

Yes.

We're almost there.

Good.

I'll be in the gift shop looking for a ball and chain.

I will be in the bathroom.

Hello.

Hello, gentleman.

I know this man.

This is from.

Pope in castle. Pope in castle.

Cardinal Cariott.

This is Dimitri Leoni Disputin Kamarazo.

I know it's you, how are we doing?

We just see Pope, we are at Loveland Castle.

The Pope just to go inside.

Excellent.

Crush any resistance.

It is imperative that you secure the Pope in the dungeon.

All of Christendom is counting on you.

Yes, Your Eminence.

Let me know when you've succeeded.

Yes, Your Eminence, we go inside now.

Yeah, good.

You go that way.

I go this other way.

But the Pope went straight.

This is too easy, could be trap.

Oh, Dimitri, this is why you are bigger brother.

Do you know that we are on a mission

to actually save someone?

Actually two.

We are on mission to save all the Christendom.

Who told you that?

Cardinal Cariott sent us.

You have to stay here in dungeon and pray reparations,

one day for every bad priest in last 100 years.

He said that?

Yes, Your Popalness.

Do you know that I am deathly allergic to mold?

No.

How long do you think I would live

if locked away in a moldy dungeon?

One day for every bad priest in last 100 years.

Lower.

Six months.

Lower yet.

Six days?

Perhaps.

And Cardinal Cariott put you up to this?

But he never told us you would die.

This would be evil.

My son, there are enemies both outside

and inside the Church.

This is one of those times.

When was the last time you went to confession?

Oh, I don't remember.

The last time Mama made us go.

You are such a bright boy.

Come, sit down here

and tell me.

Where is my brother?

The Pope's hearing his confession.

Well, I must get in.

We have mission.

Oh yeah, well, so do I.

You're not gonna stop mine.

But Cardinal Cariott say we have to save Church.

The Church always needs renewal

and the Holy Spirit is taking care of that.

Okay.

From now on, your name is no longer Webus.

It is Aloysius, your Christian name.

Thank you.

I never liked Webus.

Nobody liked Webus, everyone hated it.

Now, are you ready to have some fun?

Oh yes.

Now play along with me, huh?

Okay.

- Ready? - Yes.

You did what?

Stay right here.

Now, quickly, go and get your brother and bring him in.

Yeah.

Sit.

I am going to ask you the same thing.

When was the last time you went to confession?

I do not remember.

That is correct, you do not remember.

Whisper in my ear what you wish to confess.

I like "Die Hard 2" better than "Die Hard 1."

Very well.

Do you have a firm purpose of making amends?

Oh yes, Your Holiness, yes.

Then I absolve you from your sins.

In the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit.

But Your Holiness, should I not have penance?

Dimitri, your penance is to call Cardinal Cariott

and tell him that everything is well here in the castle.

Watch this.

This is going to be good.

Your Eminence, this is Dimitri Leoni Dispuk Kamarazo again.

I know who it is.

I wish to report that Pope is secure in Loveland Castle.

Excellent.

You both get a gold star.

Now, lay low, make yourself scarce.

Don't call me.

If you have any trouble,

I will disavow all knowledge of your actions, capeesh?

Yes, Your Eminence.

Good.

Excellent, excellent.

How do you feel about becoming my bodyguards?

It would be honor of Dimitri life.

Good.

I love it when a plan comes together.

I wonder what name I should pick.

Bartholomew. Bartholomew.

Oh, Senor, birds of a feather fly together.

Woo!

One down and two to go.

Ah, and here they are.

These two gentlemen are my new bodyguards.

Michael, where can they go to wait for us?

Hmm.

Well, if they like ice cream,

there's a Whippy Dip down by the freeway.

Whippy Dip?

No matter.

You two brothers go down there and wait for us

and we'll pick you up on the way back.

Shall we do what we came here for?

Yes, let's do it.

I am anxious to meet these two.

You're him?

Yes, my dear.

Oh my.

I'm not worthy to have you enter under my roof.

Just say the word and I will.

Word?

David, there's someone here to see you.

Did mail come?

No, somebody else showed up.

Oh crap.

Are you kidding me?

A celebrity look-a-like.

This is Michael's doing, isn't it?

You know that can't be.

Oh, contrar.

Michael drove me here and told me the whole story.

- He what? - He what?

He drove us all the way from Cleveland,

me and Michael, Spiro, Jesse, and Gums and Roses.

And we had a couple of close calls along the way too.

Now I'm sure he's an imposter.

I assure you I am the Pope.

I think he is.

No way.

Why would the Pope come alone to Cincinnati?

In fact, how could he come alone?

Doesn't he always have an entourage with him or something?

Really, David, I am the Pope.

Non illegitimi carborundum.

Huh?

Come again?

I am still the Pope and you are not.

No, I am not and neither are you.

I'm David.

I don't know who you,

do you have a picture or resume or something.

Eh, eh, eh, eh.

I am telling you the truth.

Michael kidnapped me and drove me here today.

That's really impossible.

Oh, a Pope who's into the Talking Heads.

Michael died six months ago.

Now I found him kneeling in front of our mailbox,

stalker 'till the end.

Stalkers don't have candles and a rosary

in their hands, David.

Then who drove me?

Call your agent, ask him.

Wait a minute.

I can prove I am telling the truth.

Michael told me something that only a husband would know.

How did you know that?

Michael told me so you would believe.

Okay, suppose you are the real Pope, why are you here?

Why?

I am here to invite you to join the Church.

Isn't that what you said it would take?

No.

Yes, don't lie to the Pope.

Actually, I'm here for you too, my dear.

My predecessors made a big effort to invite people

who have been divorced and remarried with no annulment

to come back to Communion in certain circumstances.

Why didn't you?

I couldn't.

Why?

Because no matter what anyone says,

I knew it was wrong because we didn't get an annulment.

Okay buddy, you are outta here.

David.

Okay, fine, do whatever you want with this imposter.

Would you like for me to take your confession, my dear?

Yes, I would.

Oh my God.

Gosh.

Bless me, Father.

Go on, my dear.

I forgot.

Tell me your sins and we'll go from there.

David.

Is there anything else you need to tell me about all this?

No.

Nothing at all since Michael died?

No.

You never told me how we managed to pay off all the bills

and the mortgage and then go on vacation.

One day you were on a ledge and the next

you were whistling Dixie.

He left me money, didn't he?

Oh, he left us a little, you a little.

How much?

1,200,000.

$1,200,000.

Actually it was $1,206,856 to be exact,

plus house next door.

He owned the house next door with all the lights

and you didn't tell me.

I was trying to protect you.

Protect me?

Protect?

David Paul Sheba, I swear I am going to-

- Beth, Beth.

At times like this, it is best to do something normal.

Bad dinosaur, bad dinosaur.

Oh!

It's okay, it's just his CPAP.

He has to clean it.

What are you guys watching?

"Godzilla."

Beth.

Come, it's funny, bring your mask.

I've seen it, it is funny.

Sweetheart, how long are you guys gonna be?

Now I'm a sweetheart.

I better go.

No, don't go, it's early.

Yes, you two have some things to work out.

Thanks for coming, best practical joke ever.

David.

Is that more beer? Great, more beer.

I never knew you could get them in cherry.

This chocolate is money.

You want a dip top?

What is a dip top?

What he's got.

Soft ice cream, hard shell top.

I'd start with the classic chocolate on vanilla.

Ah, the Whippy Dip.

Yeah.

I'll have chocolate on chocolate with sprinkles.

Jessie, Gums.

Yeah, we'll both have the classic.

Well, I'll be.

It's getting too late to drive back tonight

so you guys sack out in the cars.

The Pope and I have a quick run in the morning

before we head back.

We do?

Yeah, we do.

Are you the Archangel?

No.

You don't see any wings, do ya?

No.

I'm just a trainee.

Second class.

I'm going over there in the morning.

Good, you can find out

what he was doing back there in the trees.

So you did know what those lights were that I saw?

No, I didn't.

I knew he was up to something back there.

Oh, this just gets better and better.

The birth mark on my thigh.

Your what?

Michael told the Pope.

The Pope told me.

Even when he's dead, he's in our bed.

How'd I not know you were this close

those last few months?

How could I let you die all alone?

Michael, I thought you were gone.

How do you know that you won't save your spouse

with your steadfast example of faith, hope and love?

Michael?

Michael.

♪ Thinking of your tender touch ♪

♪ Must have loved you far too much ♪

♪ And I, I keep hoping that some day ♪

♪ You'll walk the path that leads my way ♪

♪ You'll walk the path that leads my way ♪

Oh, magnificent.

Michael, you built this for me.

Why do you love me so much?

I've never felt closer to you than I do right now.

Michael, I am sorry.

I'm so sorry.

Beth?

Amazing, isn't it?

Statue, aah.

It's always the men who resent her.

But the women get it.

Well, I don't.

So she had a kid.

I don't think you can make this journey with me.

Michael didn't cheat on me, did he?

No.

Then it was you, just like he said.

He wouldn't lie for you,

so you came after me to get even.

I came after you 'cause I wanted you

more than anything in my life.

And don't get on your high horse about what I did.

You wanted to leave him.

What?

You turned so easily.

Don't blame me.

You got what you wanted.

I want my soul back.

And I want a husband who wants his soul back too.

Babe, you are so not getting that.

You want something that I never promised.

You changed, not me.

Then go.

Look, Beth, I.

I'm no good at, you know, religious stuff.

Forgive me if I would do anything to have you for myself.

It was wrong.

He broke the guy code.

The one where you lie and cheat for men

who lie and cheat on their wives?

Sounded better in my head.

There's a thin line between love and hate

and right now you're on the wrong side of it.

What do you want?

To keep your word.

The Pope came.

Oh my God, the flippin' Pope came to our house

to offer you a personal invitation.

Get an annulment, marry me in the Church,

and don't be such a prick.

All right.

I'll try.

And there it is.

Finally.

I'm crushed,

like Jesus.

Loving your enemies is never easy.

They were never my enemies.

I spy something blue.

Ha, the dashboard.

He got it the first try.

Too bad it's not at night.

We could play padiddle. Oh, yeah.

Poodle?

Let's sing.

Oh.

♪ Well I went to Cincinnati and I walked around the block ♪

♪ And I walked right into a bakery shop ♪

♪ And I picked up a donut hot out of the grease ♪

♪ And I handed the baker off five cent piece ♪

♪ Well he looked at the nickel and he looked at me ♪

♪ And he said, Young man, it is plain to see ♪

♪ There was a hole in the nickel and it goes right through ♪

♪ Said I, There's a hole in your donut too ♪

♪ Thanks for a donut tap, tap ♪

So where do donut holes come from?

Donut holes.

Papa, how are you enjoying your trip?

Well, it was unbelievable.

And by that I mean no one will ever believe me.

Don't even try.

You know, I understand why Michael has kidnapped me.

I don't understand what you guys are doing here.

We need you to right the ship.

He wants you to call a council.

Three months in and you are asking me

to do something that only happens every 300 years?

I'll die before it's even over.

Over?

Over?

It ain't over 'till we say it's over!

Nicely said.

Oh, I cannot lead something that big.

I would lose control.

And the Church, the Church would be destroyed.

Call it.

You just had to ask.

We gotta go.

Catch you when I come back.

Hit me.

Why?

Just hit me.

Okay.

Ow.

It's okay.

I was hoping it was a dream, but clearly I'm awake.

Well, you did get a nice nap in

from Chillicothe to Wooster.

Hey, thank you.

Two down, eight billion to go.

Just doing my job.

Oh and about Beth and David.

With enemies like you, who needs friends?

Oh,

where I'm going, I won't need these anymore.

Dimitri, Aloysius, get my things.

I carry.

No, no, no, you drop too much, I carry.

I am bigger brother, carry hat.

Ooh, camera, camera.

Here, you take picture.

America. America.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

I go that way, you go this way.

Why don't we just go straight in?

Oh, no, no, no, no.

He's too easy, could be trap.

Getting good, my brother.

You did.

Did you miss me?

Sit, sit, sit, sit.

Were you kidnapped?

I know you would like to know where I was

and what I was doing, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera,

but all I can really tell you is that everything

that I was doing is under the seal of confession.

So how do you say I scuffed some wine

to take back to the Vatican?

Yes, Ohio wine is a very good wine, no?

Ah, he knows.

And sometimes I feel like I'm the only cowboy in Ohio today.

Comedy is easy, dying is hard.

Why won't the Church get with the times?

Why want the times get with the Church?

Your Holiness, what are you doing

about the scandals within the Church?

There will always be scandals in the Church.

The Institution is divine, but the people in it are not.

We must do everything we can to heal the victims

of our sins.

The real scandal is the hierarchy protecting itself

while the sheep are slaughtered,

which is precisely why the Church has real standards for us

to be judged objectively by when we sin.

The devil, the devil loves to turn a priest, why?

Because he knows he can take so many others with him.

But there are hundreds and thousands of priests

who have given their lives to the sheep and have not fallen.

We must say thank you to them every day,

every time we see them.

But what are you going to do yourself?

Believe in our Lord Savior Jesus Christ.

Serve God in truth.

Pray and love each and everyone as God has loved us Himself.

For in the end, that is the only thing that one man can do.

And since the Church is always in need of renewal,

I will call the Third Vatican Council

to put the permanence of marriage

back into the center of our faith again

and declare spiritual warfare against divorce.

Other than that, nothing.

Thank you, thank you for coming.

Thank you for coming.

Thank you for coming.

What's he doing calling a council?

He's just a temp, a caretaker.

Don't worry about it, Cardinal.

This could play right into our hands.

And just how could that be, horn blower?

If we could be sure that he dies

while we're at the council,

all the cardinals would already be in Rome for the vote.

If, I don't like that word, if.

Pontiff Cariott.

Yes, Your Holiness.

May I have a word?

Oh.

Nice suits, matching.

Eyebrows as well.

Holy Father, I'm so glad to see you home safely,

but you must prepare us for this type of thing

in the future so we do not worry so much.

So nice of you to express such sentiment, Cardinal.

Would you like me to hear your confession now?

But Your Holiness, I have nothing to confess.

I see.

Then are you prepared to go to the ends of the earth

to proclaim the gospel?

Most certainly, Your holiness.

I have a new assignment for you

where you can put such commitment into practice.

Yes.

You are now the Cardinal Archbishop in Sheberghen

in Northern Afghanistan.

Well the harvest is few, but the workers are small.

Afghanistan, the sandy, rocky one?

Shall we pray?

Sure.

Lord, let me get some sleep tonight.

That's not a prayer.

Well, sure it is.

For other people.

Then teach me.

All right.

But once you know how, you have to lead.

Okay.

By the way,

happy anniversary.

I promise next year I'll remember.

Wanna play spaceman?

This is one small step for man

One giant leap for man freakin' kind.

Oh, you're so full of it, he never said that.

Oh, sure he did.

See, he was on a delay and he fell down the first time

and had to do it again so we only saw the second take.

We need a second take, not Neil.

Okay, take two.

We're lost in space!

Ow. Ow.

Drat!

The stone soup's almost ready, Your Eminence.

We can play fish later if you like.

Oh, shut up.

Yes, Your eminence.

♪ You ask me for a reason why I love you ♪

♪ Darned if I can tell you why I do ♪

♪ You set your smile on me and how you hold me ♪

♪ Mostly I just love you 'cause you're you ♪

♪ The sun upon my face is so much warmer ♪

♪ The moon, it looms much larger in my view ♪

♪ The stars are in my eyes and they're much brighter ♪

♪ All because I love you like I do ♪

♪ Together or apart ♪

♪ You were always in my heart ♪

♪ All I really know is you make me happy ♪

♪ So you ask me for a reason why I love you ♪

♪ Darned if I know why, but still it's true ♪

♪ Even God may have no better answer ♪

♪ Than mostly I just love you 'cause you're you ♪

♪ Mostly I just love you 'cause you're you ♪

♪ And I will always love you ♪

♪ 'Cause you're you ♪