Original subtitles

God...

911, what's the address

to your emergency?

I-I'd like to report a domestic dispute

in my apartment building.

And what is the address to your emergency?

Hold on.

It's 4200 Greenbush Avenue, a-apartment four.

I can't...

No, no, I can't.

No, I can't stay on the phone.

He's hitting her.

Ladies and gents, brace yourselves.

I have some bad news.

Zac Efron is off the market.

Be happy with what you've got.

Anything good?

It's a wedding invitation.

Nicer than ours?

Not a chance.

All right.

I was thinking we could go to the caterer's on Sunday,

try out that new menu.

Oh, yeah, I love it, that sounds great.

You know, if we don't end up feeling like seeing

PJ and Lauren tonight, we can cancel,

it's totally fine.

Oh, okay, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

All right, should I tell him?

- Yes. - All right fine, it's...

All right. So for months,

we were trying to get in touch with the guy's team,

we're trying to sign the guy to the agency.

No answer. We're doing everything we can,

trying to reach the guy's higher ups, everything.

We're trying every possible combination of email address,

doesn't work, nothing, all right?

So I've been reading a lot about the Medici family.

These guys, they got all the money in the world,

they're secluded from everybody.

And I was thinking, and I was like,

these rich people,

they don't have social media.

You can't get in touch with these people.

They don't have Facebook or anything.

But you can bet these motherfuckers have Venmo.

No.

Oh, yeah, bro.

So I send the guy a Venmo request for two pennies

to get his two cents about Jordan and I being his agents.

And that worked?

Fuck yeah, it worked. That's why I ordered champagne.

We're meeting with his team tomorrow.

Brave new world.

Is that legal?

What, are we gonna get in trouble?

Excuse me,

could we get a check when you get a chance?

April 11th is coming up soon.

Are you all deep into wedding plans?

Yeah, less than two months.

Yeah, there's a lot.

Our families,

I'm the last of my sisters to get married

so there's a lot of stress

around where people are going to sit.

But then you remember it's an open bar

and will practically run itself.

And if it does all fall apart, we're skipping town.

We're doing a road trip honeymoon.

It was my idea.

Oh, that friend of mine that was staying with us...

- Are we allowed to tell them? - Yeah, you can tell 'em.

Okay, so a friend of mine from Berkeley,

she was staying with us, right? She's a flight attendant.

She was telling us all these crazy stories about flying.

Like they have plans to flip the plane upside down

in case there's a terrorist, and having to land early

because of people having anxiety attacks,

really interesting stuff, really insane.

Anyway, she was telling us a story about

a totally normal flight,

and this woman and her husband are in first class

for their honeymoon, I guess,

and they're getting off the plane

and the woman collapses,

young woman, newlyweds.

And she is beautiful apparently, right?

They realize she's got blood on her,

but she says she's fine,

nobody knows what's going on.

The TSA gets involved.

They realize that some of the blood has dried on her.

Turns out, she and her husband

got into a fight about God knows what

and he stabbed her in the ribs

with an in-flight champagne bottle.

So they all think it's a sex trafficking thing but it's not.

They bring everybody in. She tells the TSA

they both work in careers where image is everything

and she just didn't want anybody to know

that they'd been fighting.

Isn't that insane?

Thank you guys so much for coming in.

- Thank you. - Thank you so much.

- Thank you. - Thank you.

Oh, could you?

I mean I only had one glass of wine.

Did you? 'Cause I feel like you had about three or four.

That's when you usually start telling your long stories.

I definitely didn't have the lamb kebabs, that's crazy.

I hate lamb, would never order that.

No, no.

Yes.

APE, this is Amy.

So what is a packaging deal?

Packaging deals are large payments

that we get when a TV show or movie is greenlit

for us having arranged the creative team behind a project.

It is an ancillary, often private contract,

that allows us to wield our power

to enter deals for way more than the 10%

we're making from our client pool.

There's no such thing as problems, okay?

Only opportunities.

Now, the cocksuckers at the WGA

trying to tell everybody about packaging

and getting their members to leave our agency

is the biggest opportunity we've ever faced.

It would mean the end of growth for us.

Now, what that means is that this building here,

this structure that we're in right now, um...

it won't...

it won't be around anymore.

- Hi, Jordan. - Yes.

I installed that Chrome extension

that wishes your friends happy birthday...

- Uh-huh. - And PJ's looking for you.

The China team arrived 30 minutes early.

Uh-huh, okay, wait, sorry, you said China's here?

China's here right now?

- Why is China here? - Jordan, Jordan.

Hey, hey, Raymond's here. China's here. Come on.

Jaclyn, was I taken off of the email chain?

We're supposed to meet in the lobby

for small talk and handshakes.

That's Psychology 101.

You asked me to take you off that email chain.

- Hey, PJ. - Okay, well put me back on.

Hey, yeah, whatever. They're talking new productions.

They love Marvel. They want our roster.

- Okay? Great. - I love it, it's exciting.

Things are moving, it's exciting. I can take you to 100%.

Flattery's not gonna work on this guy, okay?

He's smart. Dude, we did this.

His wife's name's Laura. He supports the Chinese government.

It's between us and CAA. I will not let this happen again.

Fuck CAA, that should be my license plate. Come on.

Nope, actually, give me that back.

Hey, dude, forget about your wedding invitation

for five fucking seconds, okay?

You don't let him sit. You say, "Let's keep talking.

Let's keep talking." Hunyíng means

welcome to the team and you've got to get it right.

Jordan, this is China.

Hunyíng.

Okay great. Come on.

- Hey, there he is. - Hey, there's my guy.

- Jordan Hines, how are you? - Ni hao.

Ni hao, "ni how" the hell are ya?

Welcome to Hollywood.

- Want some coffee? - No, no coffee for me,

thank you, I have an ulcer.

Our bonehead of an assistant

- must've miscommunicated... - What's an ulcer?

An ulcer, oh, uh, it's nothing.

It's, uh... It's uh...

It's an open sore on my insides.

It might kill me.

How was your flight?

Uh, it's fine. No, no, it's fine.

It's, uh... No, it's false alarm, it's okay.

Please have a seat. Please, have a... No, have a seat.

Please, no, please, have a seat.

Yeah, have a seat, everybody have a seat.

It's exciting. I'm excited.

I am excited.

It's exciting.

Everything's fine.

Just get the package.

Just get the packaging deal.

The building isn't collapsing.

Well let's keep talking. I'm excited.

Well, let's keep talking.

Hey! Hey!

Ma'am! Don't throw shit at my car.

I lease this fucking car.

Ma'am!

What the fuck?

Is that him?

Yeah, that's him.

Sorry, we don't have to stay long.

It's important to come across as enthusiastic and authentic

when you're signing someone like this,

when it's this big of a commitment.

I'm gonna get you home soon.

- Go for it. - Okay.

Raymond, Jordan Hines, how are you?

Got you.

- I love it. - Of course you do.

I wanted to introduce you to my future wife, Caroline,

who's fucking here somewhere. Um...

Whatever, grab yourself a drink, huh?

No, I'm just the driver tonight, five years sober.

I wanted to, um, make sure

that you had everything that you needed

before you left to go to China

and our agency represents a lot of intellectual property.

So if there's ever anything that you wanted

to make into a TV show or a movie,

even if there's an article that you read maybe

we'd be happy to look into acquiring those rights-

- Everyone! - Yeah.

Excuse me, everyone.

The silent auction ends in 25 minutes,

so place your bids.

Everything is tax deductible,

and it's for a great cause.

So don't be cheap, huh?

And speaking of cheap,

I'm looking at these piece of shit agents who snuck in.

Yeah, yeah.

- He's a character. - You know what happens

if you cheat, what happens?

Yeah.

Thank you so much for stopping by.

Thank you so much for having us.

I wanted to ask where did you order the flowers?

I got them from a website.

- Fleur-de-Lis? - That's right.

Yeah, that's who we're using for the wedding.

- Honey, aren't they beautiful. - Yeah, they're gorgeous.

We live in the future, isn't that exciting?

When are you getting married?

Very, very soon.

Honey?

- Are you all right? - Yeah, everything's fine.

I'm just gonna... I'm gonna say something to him.

I'm gonna lose him and I just wanna...

let me just... give me one more try,

just give me one more try.

Raymond, uh, I just wanted to say

thank you so much for having us.

My fiancée and I are leaving,

and I wanted to say one last thing to you,

that we're not the angry bulldogs

that Entourage makes us out to be.

I think television tends to make us out to be

these angry petty people.

But a lot of that film industry aspect left with Harvey.

Who the fuck is this?

So the world is entering into this really exciting time

of digital international growth and we're a part of it.

And the way that our team works,

I feel like it could make life very exciting for you

with the way that we package our projects.

I don't need anything packaged.

That's a term you made up to steal people's money,

and it's all gonna collapse around you.

We don't need agents to book our travel.

We don't need agents to pretend to be producers.

You are a dying social network,

and everyone can't wait to watch you fall apart.

Well let's keep talking.

Love the honesty.

We love that.

Thank you for having us.

How is your ulcer?

It's fine. Killing me.

So, yeah, he's a really interesting character.

I had a good long conversation with him.

It's not a no, he's gonna think about it.

We're gonna keep the conversation open.

PJ said he would call him in the morning.

He's the closer, he'll close the deal.

He did grab me in the groin before we left.

I think it's a cultural thing.

And if he signs with CAA, it's not the worst thing in the world.

He could still be a hip pocket client.

We could still package some things for him.

Maybe bring some of his Chinese intellectual property

to the United States and develop it under our studio wing now.

And, yeah, we just signed Tiger Woods as a director this morning.

They're gonna reboot Caddyshack with dogs.

So all in all tonight, yeah,

tonight was a great night for everybody.

Cool.

Honey, is anything going on?

With me?

No, honey. What?

We're getting married in, like, six weeks.

If anything were going on, I'd let you know.

No fucking way.

Hello?

Hey, there's my guy.

Do you want to do something helpful?

There's my guy. There he is.

Oh, you're so brave.

It's exciting. Exciting. We're excited. We love it.

We're excited. We're excited.

We're all excited. Let's keep talking.

Let's keep talking. Let's keep talking.

Terrence, I just got the email about you joining the WGA.

I'm so sorry to hear that.

I was just about to put you forward

for a television show in the writer's room.

But what happened?

I thought you wanted to be famous.

Okay, so let's say some actor comes up to you

and says you can't get them work.

You say, "Get new headshots.

You're calling on my family phone."

Well, that's what's so exciting is the audience for television

is so much larger than independent film.

How much longer do you want to keep making stuff

that nobody's seeing?

Deflect, attack, replace victim with offender,

D.A.R.V.O.

Picture that your children, starving,

and these WGA members just standing

above your children and laughing...

'cause that's what they're doing.

That's what all of the WGA is doing.

They're laughing at your starving children.

Relax for five fucking seconds. I'm on the phone.

It's sick.

We're too strong to fail.

We are too strong to fail.

We're too strong to fail. We are too strong to fail.

Yeah, I own a Tesla. We're excited.

Are you all mine?

I am.

Hey.

Hey.

May I have one?

Oh, sure.

You'll do great here.

Jaclyn, come on in, have a seat.

Oh, okay.

How are you?

What do you want to do with your life?

Uh... well, I don't know yet.

- Uh, this. - Yeah, right.

Nobody wants to be here forever.

Everybody wants something else.

What do you want?

- Honestly, I do. - Honestly, you do.

What are you from Mayberry?

What are you from the Andy Griffith Show?

Who talks like that?

What can I do for you? How can I help?

We have all these retreats where we wheel out Tony Robbins

and he tells us how happy we are,

how to take over the town, take control.

Why don't you stop lying to everybody in the office

all day every day

and finally admit what you actually want?

What does Jaclyn want?

Okay.

Could you put me in touch with the investment firm

I heard you and Raymond's team talking about?

Yes, I will.

Wall Street?

See, wasn't that easy?

Now you're not letting that eat at you from the inside.

Doesn't that feel good?

It does. You're in a good mood.

Did your wife sit on your face this morning?

What'd you say?

Did you wake up on the right side of the bed this morning?

It's an expression.

Oh. Yeah, I guess I... I guess I did.

Well, great. Thanks for this.

I'll have to change my resume to list working for you on it.

Could you give me till tomorrow?

Yeah, of course... Yeah, it's nothing.

Oh, and accounting had questions

about a $10,000 charge that was put on the company card...

Yeah, that's fine, I'll take care of that,

- Thank you. - Open or closed?

Close that door, thank you.

Ah! No, she said it.

Hey, you're here early.

We just started the Keurig.

Hey Jaclyn,

can I talk to you for a second?

Yeah, sure, what's up?

So we were in my office yesterday

and I thought I heard you say something

and I just want to make sure that you had said it.

It's not a big deal. You're not in trouble or anything.

- Hey, Maggie. - Hi, Jordan.

But I said that I would connect you with the people at Black Rock

and then you said something about waking up on

the right side of the bed.

Do you remember what you actually said?

I'm not sure I understand.

- Okay. - If it's a big deal,

it's really not that important.

I had my boyfriend work on my resume with me.

I'm sorry if I said something I shouldn't have.

- Uh-huh. - Was I out of line?

- I'm so sorry if I was. - I'm sure you weren't.

And you didn't say anything?

Oh, my God. What do you think I said?

Okay, so this is great. So this is a failure, okay?

So I can't use the language that I'd like to use to you right now

because of the new direction

that the agency and the country is going so I won't,

and I'll just say that this isn't working.

Okay? All this isn't, you aren't working for me.

So how are you gonna come in tomorrow?

Let's call today a wash, okay?

How are you gonna come in tomorrow?

'Cause there is a line of recent college graduates

that are just dying to come in here and work,

to sit in that fucking seat.

So tell me, how are you gonna look tomorrow when you come in?

How are you gonna convince me today

that you're better at your fucking job tomorrow,

Jacqueline?

I'll do better.

I'm still new here.

That's great to hear. Send over that resume.

I cannot wait to send it out to new people.

Tell your boyfriend I said thanks

and don't go on my computer again.

You don't know the first fucking thing

about my personal life.

And I am gonna need new Pepto-Bismol

immediately after lunch.

Hollywood.

Fuck.

Fuck. Hey!

Hello, how can I help you?

How are you? I'm wondering if I can get

a receipt printed out for my stay.

I stayed here a few weeks ago

and my assistant was cleaning out a car that I own

and must've thrown it away like a fucking idiot.

Oh, well that happens. Do you have a copy of your ID?

I do, but I didn't make the reservation.

I work for a big company and I'm not sure who's name

- it would have been under. - I see.

So you don't know the name the reservation was made under?

I don't, but it would've been the 4th of March

in room 320 at about 1:10 p.m.

Or I'm uncertain, it could have been anytime.

Okay.

Well, unfortunately it won't let me search for that.

Is there a way you can get the name or card number

of the person who made the reservation?

Okay, so I already said that there isn't.

I work for a big talent agency

and I'm not a small fry over there, the big one.

A couple letters, I'll give you three guesses.

You're only gonna need one. I'm getting married soon,

and I don't know who would have made the reser...

Are you in the film industry?

I'm not.

Now if you can call someone,

we can get that to you immediately,

but it's hotel privacy policy, I'm so sorry.

- What if I was robbed? - I'm sorry, if what?

Let's say I was only in the room for 17 minutes

and somebody stole something from my safe,

and what if I also thought that you two at the hotel

had something to do with it?

I actually don't know the protocol for something like that.

I think we'd have to call the police.

And what if I am the police?

Sir, if you were the police,

you would've probably called ahead of time

and you also would've shown me your ID when I asked for it

and maybe you wouldn't have spent 45 minutes

telling me how big of a Hollywood agent you are.

Yeah, that's... Yeah.

Is there anything else we can help you with today?

No, I don't think that there is.

- Well, thanks for coming in. - Thanks for having me.

I've got this rumbling stomach that says,

yeah, I need food.

- I'm ravenous and I... - Hey, so sorry, keep going.

And I need people that are ravenous too.

I need people that are hungry.

When I go to Buca di Beppo,

I order a Fettuccine Supreme and that server,

she brings out and says...

- What is this meeting about? - WGA packaging.

- What is it? - WGA packaging.

Nope, uh-uh, no, we're not doing that.

Uh, sorry, keep going. I just don't have time for it today.

I didn't know that this was gonna be what this was about.

What I initially wanted to come in here to talk to about...

It's fine. It's fine, we're too strong to fail,

everybody's doing great.

I wanted to talk to PJ and see if you have that thing.

Uh, that... You remember that thing? Stop talking.

Do you have that thing that we used to do a lot

and now I'm not doing too much anymore?

Do you know what I'm talking about?

- Top drawer. - Great, thanks.

- It's not what you think. - Excuse me, Jaclyn.

Walking, thank you.

Should I keep going?

I think maybe now is a good time we all take a break

and reassess exactly what it is we're doing here.

- How's your stomach? - It's fine.

- You seem stressed. - I'm not stressed.

I just feel like I have this huge thing

that's hanging over me at all times.

Well, it was nice almost planning a wedding with you.

Okay, hey, I'm here. What can I do?

What do you need from me?

It's just the fucking place cards.

Did you read the email?

- Yes. Yes. - Yes?

The place card setting email. Yeah.

- Yes? - Loved it.

When's the last time you hung out with PJ?

I mean he's your actual friend, right?

Why don't you talk to him about this?

See, you're smart.

I guess that's why we're getting married, right?

It is.

You worry too much.

Most people don't get so worked up about their job.

Everything's gonna be great.

Because I saw it on your iPad when it was syncing

and then you deleted it from your phone!

I don't know what you're talking about!

How the fuck could you do this to me?

It's really not what you think.

Like I'm not going to have someone follow you when you're acting like this?

I stay in hotels all over the world!

Not in our fucking neighborhood!

Calm down.

I don't have time for this.

You're hysterical.

Hello, you've reached the law offices

of Kay, Donovan, and Associates.

Please leave a message

and we'll get back to you as soon as we can, thanks.

This is Laura.

Please have Jerry call me back.

I shot Raymond in the car.

Um, okay, can I just do a vodka soda please?

- Two please. - Thank you.

- Thank you. - Uh, wow, two, okay.

Uh, yeah, shit, two please, thank you.

Cold feet?

What are we doing here?

A couple of weeks ago,

I got a letter in the mail

inviting me to a no strings attached

sexual encounter in a hotel room.

It was a pretty card, looked official.

I don't know, I was stupid, I went.

Oh, fuck you. What? Dude, this is nuts.

I had to wear a blindfold.

I should've kept it, but the woman...

I can't even tell you.

You know that thing where something's different

inside of the universe in the multi-verse system

and this is the one thing that's different.

It felt like that. I don't know, it's hard to explain.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, wait.

What's going on here? Hold on.

Wait, this is really happening, you really did this?

In this climate?

Dude, are you fucking suicidal?

I don't know.

Okay, okay, wow, holy shit.

- Oh, yeah. - Okay.

- Yeah. - Sorry, okay.

- Yeah. - Um, wow,

I thought this was you being mad at me for signing Raymond.

- This is a huge... - You signed Raymond?

How the fuck did you sign Raymond?

Okay, well, hold on, let's... let's focus.

So, let's focus here, okay?

So, okay, so I know you're serious.

Okay, so let's do this. So first of all, I'm so sorry.

You clearly have no other options, you came to me.

So there's no return address, no stamp,

so probably delivered personally or by a courier maybe.

Do you have security cameras at your building?

You probably already thought about all this.

- Yeah. - Has anyone reached out to you

on social media in the past couple months?

It might seem strange.

Maybe someone trying to sabotage the wedding

or like a last hurrah kind of thing.

I can't think of...

No.

So you couldn't see her? Was she wearing a mask?

I think so.

She was quick in the room.

She definitely had it on at the beginning.

She must've known her way around the furniture.

But then I took it off.

I think she saw my face. I think she'd recognized me.

And you were alone in the room?

Oh, fuck. Yeah, now I don't know.

See, that's the reason I wanted

to fucking talk about this in the first place.

Why didn't you just take the fucking mask off?

I didn't want her to know it was me.

I don't know, deniability, self-protec...

I don't know, I think I was fucking terrified.

- Oh, thank you. - Here you go.

- Enjoy. - Thank you so much.

No idea where that letter came from?

I'm sorry I told you all of this.

No, dude, totally fine.

Now I'm suspicious of everyone.

Maybe it's your wife.

Maybe it's my wife.

Dude, this could be anybody. This could be an ex-client.

Nope, this is CAA. Yep.

You know, I was thinking about this.

I was thinking about doing something like this

as a business.

Can't do this shit anymore.

With my wife?

Her whole family's lawyers.

She would cut my fucking head off.

She'd get away with it.

Dude, if I got one of these fucking things,

I would be sleeping in that mail room.

Excuse me! Can we get a check, please?

My life is fucking terrible.

Hi, I'd like to file a complaint against the building.

Oh, no, I'm sorry to hear that. What's going on?

A friend of mine was murdered and I've been robbed.

Maybe by the same person. I thought I'd go to you

before calling 911 'cause I'm a fucking adult.

Oh, my God, what happened?

I need to see security camera footage

from the 22nd of February,

the front lobby, the cul-de-sac

and anything that leads to the mail room.

Someone has been leaving me death threats.

And also, I'm a police officer.

Oh, God. You're... Okay.

Uh, well look, we'll do everything we can to help,

but I don't think we can show...

Okay, no, so I need to see security camera footage

and I need to see it right fucking now.

Hi, I'm dealing with a stalker

and I'm trying to stay calm for the sake of my future wife

who's upstairs right now scared half to death.

- I'm sorry to hear that. - Yeah, you're sorry.

He's sorry, we're all sorry, everybody's sorry.

Let's see security camera footage, right?

- It's corporate policy... - Okay, no.

All right, let's try this again.

Hi, my name is Jordan Hines. I'm an excellent fucking tenant.

I never come down here. My rent is always on time.

I'm one of those guys you never have to worry about.

I didn't complain when people started Airbnb'ing out their apartments

or when the hot tub was cold for a fucking month.

I'm not going away. I'm not uncomfortable,

my clients enjoy spending time with me.

Let me see security camera footage

from the 22nd of February

and I won't spend thousands of dollars

having an Indian click farm

bomb your fucking apartment complex on Yelp.

It's right through that door.

I know exactly where it is.

Now, is there a problem here?

Where's the best place to send a lawsuit?

Where's the best address for me to send a lawsuit to?

There. There stop.

See? See?

Don't let fucking weird people into the building

who don't have a key card, okay?

Who the fuck is this guy?

Am I alone here?

Who the fuck is this guy?

This isn't a motel.

I don't pay to live in a fucking motel, okay?

Who the fuck is this guy?

This is fuckin' dead.

Now you gotta die.

Now you fucking gotta die.

- Piece of shit. - Hey, hi, sorry.

Sorry, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry, I'm not violent.

I just want to talk to you. I got a question for you,

I got a question for you. I'm so sorry. I got a question for you.

- Help! - Shut the fuck up, okay?

I got a question for you, I'm sorry. Who's paying you

- to deliver shit to my building? - Fuck you, get out of my way.

You're delivering shit to my building.

I have a right to know. Okay, I get it, you probably have

naked pictures of me, it's not that big of a deal.

How does it work? Tell me how you work.

- Help! - Shut the fuck up.

Shut the fuck up. Okay, I'm sorry.

Look, I don't carry cash on me if that's what you fucking want.

Okay, yeah, I just need to know who you work for.

Who's paying you to deliver shit to my building?

I don't want to hear, "Oh, I don't know, I wasn't there".

- I work for an app. - This is Hollywood.

This is the big time, okay?

Don't fucking move.

Don't fucking move! Stay right there.

Don't deliver junk mail to my building anymore,

okay, asshole?

I'm gonna look into this.

- Can I help you? - Hey, there's my guy.

I'm a neighbor and I found some mail in the street.

Some asshole already opened it

but I'm wondering if Louise Rafferty's home?

Louise is no longer with us.

That's convenient.

Excuse me?

Look, buddy. I'm a private investigator.

Do not fuck with me today.

I need some questions answered by Louise

and I'd like to talk to her immediately.

- Hi, I'm sorry. - Oh, there she is.

- Go back inside. - Is there a problem?

It's nothing.

This man is confused.

He lost his dog

and he's handing out flyers in the neighborhood.

Oh. What kind of dog is it?

It's a cocker span... it's a Dalmatian.

I'm so sorry for your...

I had no idea it was a funeral.

I have to go.

Thank you for your time.

We'll keep an eye out for your dog.

Yeah, thank you. We got people looking.

She gets under cars and stuff so...

What's up?

- Oh, fuck, you all right? - Yeah.

- Jesus. - Yeah, sorry.

Vodka soda, double. Thanks.

All right, so this shit is crazy.

- So the envelopes... Are we good? - Yeah, we're fine.

- You sure? - Yes.

Okay, all right, so the envelopes are stock.

They're made from this company called Hermes Post in Burbank.

They're this online company. They make a bunch of those

corporate party invites and shit.

Which is what we were worried about.

The P.O. box in Hollywood is anonymous.

It's set up through the website so that's another dead end.

- All right, shit. - Hold on, all right, stop.

Okay, that's the easy stuff.

Hey, can you make that two, actually? Thank you.

Okay, I'm gonna talk and I'm gonna finish,

and then you can say whatever you're gonna say.

But please just let me get through this

'cause it's important. Okay?

Okay.

Okay.

When social media platforms first began,

they were based solely on connecting people,

but then they were bastardized

and turned into these money-making machines

that would harvest your data and sell it to advertisers.

So say you clicked on something back in college,

all those clicks, all those likes

from then all the way till now,

that's all been saved by these companies.

And then in 2013,

they started allowing other companies to use that data

to target you as a consumer

for all your specific interests and behaviors.

Every like on Twitter you've ever had, that's all public.

You can go on anyone's social media account

and see everything they've liked from the beginning.

Now, all of that data is scrapable.

Meaning someone could come up with a program

that would compile all of that data

from your complete online digital footprint

and use it to better understand you and how to get to you.

And if I were doing this, I'd go after the wealthy.

So say you're on social media

and you follow Forbes and Lamborghini

and Yacht Clubs and Hollywood agencies, yeah.

And on top of that, let's say you're also engaged

and that for the past three months,

you've also been off and on

liking pictures of half naked women.

- Fuck me. - Let me finish.

Half naked women.

That would mean one,

you probably make a lot of money,

and two, with a little push,

you'd probably stray from your relationship.

So that person could then pair you with someone identical,

someone who would seem perfect to you.

- Is there anything else? - No, please fuck off.

Thank you.

I'm sorry, man, I... I'm sorry.

Which would make you an incredible candidate

for this new service.

We don't make a lot of money.

We act like we do.

You'd rent out Airbnbs or hotels,

you know, something aspirational,

and then they'd have you.

It's the ultimate click bait, thirst trap.

Uh, it's when, uh... Just look it up.

Actually, don't...

Don't worry about it, doesn't matter.

The point is...

adultery's down drastically.

People are so terrified of stepping out of line at all

they don't even talk about it.

'Cause consequences won't go away anymore.

Scarlet letter.

Scarlet letter, yeah.

The Public used to be the bad guy.

Remember that?

I mean it's a great idea for a startup.

Anonymous.

Cost of a hotel room...

and a couple stamps.

Are you doing this to me?

No.

All right, dude, most importantly,

a woman was murdered off Franklin Ave.

On February 21st,

three blocks from your apartment.

Domestic dispute, Swedish, no priors,

seemed totally normal people, I looked them up.

The guy stabbed her

and threw her over a balcony.

Cops were responding to a call she made beforehand.

When they brought the guy in,

he was screaming about the US Postal Service.

She called beforehand?

This sounds like me.

I thought so too.

Hey, can we close out, man?

Excuse me, sir. Can we close out, sir?

Just not... just gonna ignore me now.

I'm gonna have to apologize.

Sir?

- Hello? - Lisa, it's Jordan.

- Jordan? - Hines, how are you?

Hey, Jordan, I'm good, how are you?

I'm doing well. I just wanted to call.

I guess we haven't spoken since graduation.

How are you doing? Where are you living these days?

I'm still in Braintree, actually.

Ross and I ended up at the same hospital.

Oh, well, that's lucky.

You ever make it out to Los Angeles?

I don't.

It's tough with a toddler.

Wow, that's crazy.

Because I thought I saw you on Franklin

a couple of weeks ago. Was it you?

Uh, yeah, no, not me.

It must've been my doppelganger.

How are you liking LA?

I love LA.

About an hour from the lake,

five years sober, working on my ten.

That's great.

That's so great to hear, congratulations.

I always knew you'd figure it out.

You sure it wasn't you?

I just thought...

you'd added me on LinkedIn a couple days earlier.

I was almost certain it was you.

Uh, no.

You popped up as a suggested follow,

because of school I guess.

I... I thought, you know, I haven't seen you.

I was pretty sure.

I guess you wouldn't even tell me if it was, huh?

I'm not sure what you're asking me.

I'm so sorry. This is uncomfortable.

This sounds like one of those phone calls you hear about

where some idiot calls you ten years late

and makes a fool of himself, isn't that right?

No, no, I just want to make sure you're okay.

I'm fine, everything's great with me.

Uh, I must have disturbed you again

and I'm so sorry about that.

Uh, this isn't a midlife crisis.

I'll let you know when I'm having one of those.

- No, it's fine. - I'm fine.

Everything's fine. I just wanted to check in.

It must be so late over there, I'm so sorry.

Congratulations with everything,

thanks so much for the connect

and, um, we're all excited.

So, uh, good night and, um...

and yeah, goodnight, yeah, that's it.

All right, congrats on your engagement.

Yeah, great, thank you, bye. All right, bye now, take care.

Woof.

Hey, Jaclyn, perfect timing.

I'm wondering if you can send all my phone calls

to my cell tomorrow

'cause I've gotta boogie to the east side for some meetings.

Don't worry about that. I'm gonna pay for it.

Sorry about that.

I'm gonna pay for it.

I'm gonna pay for it.

Ugh, wi-fi's down.

Mm-hmm.

Did you throw this blanket on here?

It looks nice.

It's from the honeymoon.

Ah.

Can I get you anything?

Yeah, come here.

Come sit.

Man. I'll tell ya.

What do we do with all this?

You know, I spend so much time off set these days.

Let's just go.

Let's go back to that villa in Rome.

We can have my mom come out.

Who is sick of everything regular?

You hated Rome.

No, I hated the palaces.

You buy a palace to get away from the fucking crowds.

Nowadays, you can't even see the artwork

because everybody's waving

a thousand fucking cameras in front of it.

The public.

What do you think?

I can get Ben to look on Zillow

to see if we can buy a place in Rome?

What do you think?

Sounds like a dream.

A good dream?

Help.

Help.

Okay, guys, now this is the fun part.

- We're gonna take the shrimp... - You all right?

Yeah, it's exciting, I love it.

The heat's gonna make it easier to wrap.

Let's make sure we don't burn ourselves.

- You sure? - Yeah, I'm just hot, honey,

I'm right next to the stove and I'm wearing this stupid fucking outfit.

- How are we doing over here, Caroline? - Fine I think.

Okay, well we forgot the carrot slices

but that's okay, we can always boil...

No, actually we don't want carrot slices with ours.

- Thank you so much. - Nope, let's do it right,

at least the first time, okay?

So Caroline, you want to grab those carrots?

No, don't help, stop. I... We don't need any...

Okay, I'm sorry, I'm just hot, I'm right next to...

Can I take this off? Is that all right?

I feel like I'm suffocating in this fucking outfit.

Dude, just... just cook, dude, we're cooking.

- Yeah, thanks, PJ, I am cooking. - Okay, cool, no worries.

Do you need to maybe go outside and get some fresh air?

No, I don't need to go outside.

I came here to cook, let's cook. Fuck it, right?

And now I realize I've raised my voice.

And now I feel like I'm losing my fucking mind

'cause nobody's acknowledging it.

Buddy, hey, hey, I think maybe it's a great idea

for you to just go outside and get some fresh air

and just think about the fact that

we had to pretend this was our idea so your fiancée

could spend some quality fucking time with you so,

spring rolls, we're making spring rolls.

Once they're rolled, we can stack them beside each other

into nice little rows.

It doesn't matter if it looks weird,

it'll taste good, probably.

- I'm sorry. - I'm fine.

- No, I'm sorry. - Uh-uh, I'm fine.

I didn't mean to do that. I don't know what's wrong with me.

Let's stop, let's get out of here.

Let's go away, I don't want to be like this.

I can see myself and I don't want to be like this.

I don't know what's wrong with me.

Okay, I get it, I get it.

It must be absolutely exhausting

pretending to be you.

Hey, you've reached Jordan Hines.

I'm gonna be out of contact in the mountains

doing some venue scouting for our wedding,

but I'm also available.

Okay, yeah, great, bye now, take care.

I have this fear all the time now

that there's this crowd of people around me

judging me,

just waiting for me to slip up...

so they can tar and feather me...

or drive me out of town.

And I think I end up thinking about these people

so much...

that I sometimes forget what I really think...

how I really feel about something.

I watch you when you're friendly with people

and I don't know if you've made friends

the way that normal people make friends

or if you're just doing it for the job

and I don't think you can tell the difference either.

Okay, what is this?

Is this a fuck Jordan weekend,

take me to the mountains and insult me?

Honey, I'm not insulting you.

I'm describing you.

- Would you just stop? - What?

So I can... So you can look at me,

- like look at me when I'm... - I'm looking at you.

What are you talking about? I am looking at you.

You're not being honest with me.

You can't even be honest about being fucking honest.

- That's not true. - Where are you going?

I'm not going anywhere.

I thought this was the trail.

You pushed me off the fucking trail.

I'm not pushing you.

We're in the middle of the fucking woods.

- Talk to me! - I'm talking to you.

- But be honest with me. - I am honest with you.

This is not one of your "fake" relationships.

I am your fiancée, fucking engage with me.

- I love you. - Yeah, I love you.

Okay.

Okay.

- Are you coming? - Yeah, I'm coming.

No, honey, I think he's gonna do a great job.

I'm just wondering if you could've picked

a bigger cliche of a wedding planner.

Oh, you're gonna make fun of someone

for faking enthusiasm for their job?

Um, can I do a... I don't know, cappuccino.

With honey. Do you have honey?

And this fella wants a large Americano

with an extra shot.

A latte with lavender, I think it was.

Do you have a special?

Oh, if I buy...

Hi.

Hi.

Do you know me?

- I'm sorry? - Sorry to interrupt.

How did you recognize me? I'm not famous.

I don't know what you're talking about.

- You can keep going. - Oh, okay.

- Hi, I'm Tom. - Hi, Tom.

How do you know me? My name is Jordan Hines.

What's your name?

Is there a problem?

Not anymore, Tom, I'm fucking great.

Should we leave?

Y'all can go.

So you do know what I'm talking about?

Hi, you say y'all. I say y'all too.

Where you from?

Hi.

I think he's mistaking her for someone else.

That's right. I thought you were an actress I know.

What's your name? This is my fiancée, Caroline.

What's your name?

Hi.

Uh, sorry. Honey?

I think I need you to go wait in the car.

- It's work. - Mm-hmm.

Do we need to call somebody?

No, you don't have to call anybody

'cause she's gonna say her fucking name out loud right now

and I'm gonna walk right out of here.

I'm not leaving.

How does it work?

Do you even know?

Are you a prostitute?

Fuck!

Of course! Because of course she leaves.

Hey, this is Caroline Gates. Please leave a message.

Hey, sweetie, let me explain.

She's a writer and an up and coming new voice,

fresh new voices, female voices,

diversity is really in right now,

and I wanted to sign her for one of our TV productions.

So, of course, it has to happen today of all days.

I'm sorry, I'm excited to explain it to you further tonight,

and, um, yeah, so, yeah, goodnight.

Ah!

Ah, fuck!

You want to walk to Dada?

Yeah, yeah, hold on, hold on.

- Come on. - Shit, hold on.

One second, one second, sorry. Hey.

Hey, you got money?

What? No.

Wait, did you find the guy?

No, I'm about to do something very stupid.

I need you to bail me out of jail tonight.

What the fuck are you talking about? Hold on, man.

Just tell me where you are, I'll go with you.

I cannot talk right now. If I don't call you by 6 p.m.,

call 911, find out where I am and I'll pay you back.

- Hey, how you doing? - Don't be a fucking hero.

- You're gonna fuck this up. - Sweetie, who is it?

Jordan. Hold on honey, I'm so sorry.

It's probably nothing. I'll call you at 6 p.m.

Okay, all right, yeah, bye now, take care.

Okay, I'm sorry honey. Okay I'm sorry.

Hi honey, I'm so sorry.

Daddy's coworker's an idiot, hi.

Daddy needs to learn boundaries.

I know, daddy needs to learn boundaries.

- Agent McAlister. - Please, call me Bruce.

No problem. This is Lewis, I'm Rebecca,

we're Michael's assistants. He's also Michael's son.

I don't know why I said that. Thank you for coming.

- Lead the way. - Can I get you something

- to drink, a coffee? - No, thank you so much.

I have an ulcer.

These are them?

Yep, these are our purple envelopes.

This is our smaller four bar version.

We get those ordered for flower deliveries.

This is our larger legal size. It fits 11x14.

It's a bigger fabric paper.

And that is our A9 royal purple envelope,

usually ordered for weddings.

And they're expensive?

They're up there.

They're a funny color.

Most brides prefer white.

Sometimes they take a liking to 'em,

but we haven't sold many.

Except for recently?

Except for recently.

So, about three months ago, we had a bulk order placed.

These are all done online.

Our printer's gigantic, they're sticker sealed.

From soup to nuts, you can have an order done

in an hour and 40 minutes,

printing, calligraphy, gold leaf, anything.

Until it hits the box

and needs postage or a courier picks it up,

my team doesn't touch it.

And how big was the order?

314.

314, and that's large?

We print 6,000 a day in Anaheim.

314. That's pi. What's the significance?

The guy's a fucking mathlete?

Sorry, I get very close to my cases.

I know I don't have to ask but you guys don't have

an address on this guy, right?

He paid with a credit card, you gotta have a name for them, right?

Yes, this was an online purchase.

It was an order under the name of Johnny PayPal.

Johnny Pay, no, that's not a real name.

Nobody's called Johnny PayPal.

I'm sorry.

Okay, so he pays through PayPal or Stripe

or some online service.

Maybe he has an LLC or an account number.

Tell me you guys have an EIN.

That just looked like obstruction of justice to me.

Give him the fucking paperwork.

I'm so sorry, fuck, fuck.

Purple Envelope LLC.

314 envelopes, what did that run him?

$946 for the full package, including interior cards.

Let's call it three grand.

Motherfucker did this for three grand?

I guess he had to pay for the hotels,

unless he owns the hotels.

You're saying this guy killed two people?

You think this is really gonna help you catch this guy?

I do, Michael. You're doing the right thing.

- Thank you so much for this. - Do you have a card on you?

We don't carry cards, Lewis, police departments carry cards.

Wow.

Honey!

Caroline!

There he is.

Excuse me.

Was there an accident here a few weeks ago?

Apartment four, Swedish people,

you know I'm talking about?

No, no, I don't.

Okay.

You know where apartment 1B is?

I think it's a basement.

Yes, man, just down that way to the right.

Oh, shit!

Oh, fuck! Oh, stop, stop, stop.

Fuck, fuck, oh, fuck, fuck, stop. Stop!

How the fuck did you get in here? Fuck!

Fuck, stop, stop. Okay, okay, okay, fuck.

What... Who the fuck are you?

What do you want? You want money?

I'll get you money.

Fuck.

Yeah, I know who you are. You're that fucking guy.

I thought you were dead.

It's been going around these days.

Johnny PayPal, you didn't send somebody,

that's fucking you under there, huh?

Yeah.

Shame.

Okay.

Okay, yeah.

You're the guy who didn't respond to the third letter.

Everybody else did, fucker.

You made me think it didn't work.

This is great.

You want a soda or something?

You didn't get the third letter?

Little yellow one?

Oh, fuck.

You don't even know. That makes more sense.

So now you're here, for what, to blow me?

No. Fuck.

First letter's the intro, second letter's the room key,

third one connects you. You both wire me five grand

and I tell you who the other person is,

and you're the guy who didn't write back.

Oooooooh...

Sorry, I know how this one ends.

Okay, so, yeah,

now you want to know who she is.

So now you just need me to connect you to somebody.

How does that feel?

Not too good, right?

I could do that.

Do you mind?

Okay.

Sending.

All over, they're sending.

Congratulations, you played yourself.

You're nobody.

You don't connect people, I do.

I don't need to be pretty, I'm the internet.

I did you a favor.

You are just a piece of data

that my system scraped from The Sony Hacks.

You're not even a person.

You are an event that has happened to me.

I found you your search history soul mate.

You should be kissing my asshole.

And now you want her bad

and I'll never tell you.

A thousand times as many letters going out right now,

the alpha.

That's one billion American

coming to my bank account next month.

You're the bad guy. I win.

Get out of my fucking basement, bro.

Glen, call 911, I got fucked.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Ugh... the public.

What the fuck! Fuck, fuck!

Fuck me!

Asshole, fucking shit,

fucking loser, fucking asshole,

fucking son of a bitch, Goddamn it.

Fuck you.

Goddamn it.

Fucking piece of shit.

Fucking asshole.

Fucking piece of shit.

Fucking loser. Fucking...

Hey.

There she is.

I was in the car and then I...

So, yes, I have to talk to you about something.

About a month ago, I got a letter

inviting me to an exclusive meeting in a hotel room

and when I got there, there was a naked...

Nope, that's a lie. I knew she was gonna be there.

Fuck, okay, let's do it.

Goddamn it, let's be honest, right?

Fuck you, let's be honest.

Okay, honesty, honesty.

Just be honest.

Just be honest, how hard is that?

This is someone you love.

You're gonna lose her. Just be honest.

I'm drinking again.

I'm addicted to nicotine.

I'm a nobody outside of my building.

I spend all day trying to impress the people on my floor.

The WGA fight's just the beginning.

As soon as the other unions get involved, we're fucked.

They're never gonna let us take all the money.

Why did we think they're gonna let us take all the money?

PJ explained it to me. We're becoming travel agents.

Raymond grabbed my dick at that party

and nobody did anything about it.

We kept working with the guy.

Why do we keep working with these guys?

'Cause nobody knows what's going on!

And everybody still wants to be Harvey!

We dress nice.

We want to shout at subordinates

and fuck people and get away with it.

I can't wait to start grabbing dicks.

I don't know what's happening to me.

Honesty, I can see it now.

Everything you said at the lake,

I just want to be cool and happy

and come across like I'm wealthy and successful

and I just look fucking cheesy.

I don't want to do this anymore.

I fucking hate the internet.

I just want it to be the early 2000s.

I want to be young again.

I impersonated a federal officer...

couple times.

A man down the street murdered his wife

and I'm the only person who knows about it.

Her name was Louise Rafferty.

My teeth are fucked.

I was disrespectful to my assistant.

She could leak my emails tomorrow.

I think I committed mail fraud.

I went down the stairs behind the bookshelf,

I met the Phantom of the opera

and I beat him with a fucking hammer.

But no, I didn't look at

the place card settings email,

which is what you're thinking,

I can fucking tell,

because deep down

I'm somebody who just cannot give a shit.

I don't own the Tesla.

I've been leasing it this whole time.

I think the world's about to become

a fucking horrifying place.

I think I just watched it happen.

It's a place that I would never have any control over.

You fell in love with me 'cause I was powerful.

What am I gonna be now?

Yeah. Do it.

Fuck, I should have called the cops.

She was smart.

I walked right into this one.

I understand

if I'm not the man you thought you were marrying in six days

and I'm sorry about that.

I just don't want to be ashamed anymore.

I forgive you.

Hello.

You've reached Jordan Hines.

Because of everything,

I am taking a conscientious leave of absence.

Please reach out to anybody else in my offices.

Okay, yeah, all right, bye now, take care.

How far do you think we can make it today?

The border if we don't stop.

So here's the deal.

All this stuff, it's nothing new.

It's different but it's not new.

This could've been a conversation.

You know, there are people out there in the dark

who will do everything they can to corrupt this,

what we have.

They'll smile at you, they'll try to trip you up.

And our job...

from here on out

is to make sure that they never win.

Whenever you're ready.

Oh, thank you so much.

Eight more dead, New York Times.

Will you turn that thing off?

- You ready? - Yep.