Original subtitles

(CROWS CAW OUTSIDE)

(TAP DRIPS SLOWLY)

(SHOES CREAK)

(FOOTSTEPS THUD SOFTLY OUTSIDE)

(FLOORBOARDS CREAK)

- (KNOCK AT DOOR) - (GASPS)

MAN: Excuse me, miss. Is everything alright?

Oh, yes, Mr Dowling.

Um, I'm just taking notes on your circa-1970s cornicing

and the silver hardware on your tootalie-wootalie.

(FLOORBOARDS CREAK)

(FOOTSTEPS RECEDE)

(INHALES AND EXHALES HEAVILY)

(GRUNTS) Mm-hm.

(SIGHS)

- Swimmer? - Swimmer.

- Is she? Yeah! - Yeah.

(LAUGHS) She looks like it.

- Shoulders. - Yes. Classic.

Ohh!

(TEARFULLY) Oh, she was a beautiful dog.

- Oh, yeah. - (CRIES)

Oh...

Well, "Storms make trees take deeper roots."

Oh, it's just a little Dolly Parton saying

that I find helpful.

- Oh, thank you. - Yeah.

What, so the... the roots nestle in?

Yeah.

Yeah, like, um, you know...

- And the trunk thickens up? - Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, I like that. (CHUCKLES)

Ooh, um, uh...

You've got a lovely two-bed, one-bath, one-car time warp.

- And I have valued it highly. - (CHUCKLES)

So you will definitely get your refinancing for your family.

- Thank you. - Mm-hm. Look, I've gotta go.

I've just...

I've got a big office party tonight

and I've gotta get dolled up and, you know...

But thank you so much for sharing your life story.

(CHUCKLES) It was my whole life story.

Yeah, it really was.

- It's cathartic, sharing. - Yep.

(SIGHS)

(BRIGHT UPLIFTING MUSIC)

Franny, I'm going to have to meet you in there.

I've only just finished my last valuation.

MAN: It's dress-up! You know you've gotta dress up.

I know! Yeah, I know, I know.

- Well, who are you coming as? - Who do you think?

- (PANTS) - Are you OK, Red?

Well, it's just I can't run!

My fitness is just not up there.

Oh!

('JOLENE' BY DOLLY PARTON PLAYS)

♪ Jolene, Jolene, Jolene, Jolene

♪ I'm begging of you please don't take my man

♪ Jolene, Jolene, Jolene, Jolene

♪ Please don't take him just because you can

♪ Your beauty is beyond compare

♪ With flaming locks of auburn hair

♪ With ivory skin and eyes of emerald green... ♪

RED: Whoops!

♪ Your smile is like a breath of spring

♪ Your voice is soft like summer rain

♪ And I cannot compete with you, Jolene

♪ Jolene, Jolene, Jolene, Jolene

♪ Please don't take him even though you can... ♪

(PEOPLE LAUGH)

(EXHALES SHARPLY)

(MUTTERING AND LAUGHTER)

WOMAN: Turn around. Just turn around and leave.

- WOMAN 2: Hello, Dolly. - RED: G'day.

WOMAN 2: Hmm.

Francis? (SIGHS)

(SCOFFS AND LAUGHS)

(AS DOLLY) I'm gonna kill you.

I don't want to be a joke, Franny.

I want to be taken seriously, for swear-word's-sake!

I can't get anywhere when I look ridiculous!

FRANCIS: OK, well, the outfit doesn't help that.

Oh, come on, Red. Loosen up!

Don't tell me to loosen up. I am loose, I am loose!

I hate you right now.

Well, do you want to sneak out of here?

Well, I'm not a coward.

OK, so what are we doing?

Come on.

How do you feel?

Well... before you killed me,

I was feeling like a, you know,

frothy, talented, successful Dolly Parton.

(MAN ON MICROPHONE) OK, everybody, everybody!

Welcome to the Presley Property Awards!

And first up, a very special guest,

the king himself, Elvis!

('RETURN TO SENDER' BY ELVIS PLAYS)

Alright.

Ooh!

♪ Return to sender

♪ I gave a letter to the postman

♪ He put it in his sack

♪ Bright and early the next morning

♪ He brought my letter back

♪ She wrote upon it

♪ Return to sender

♪ Address unknown

♪ No such number

♪ No such zone

♪ And if it comes back the very next day

♪ Then I'll understand

♪ Writing on it

- ♪ Return to sender... ♪ - (CHEERING)

Yes, yes!

♪ Address unknown

♪ No such number

♪ No such zone... ♪

The most outstanding valuer is...

..Lionel!

- (APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) - Whoo-hoo!

- Sorry, babe. - Whoo!

Thank you! Thank you!

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

- I'm gonna get that next year. - Mm.

WOMAN: And the last award tonight

is a crowd-pleaser, a bit of fun.

She's had a wobbly start to the job,

but I'm excited to announce the Office Clown Award goes to...

..Raylene 'Red' Delaney.

- (LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE) - I didn't know about this bit.

WOMAN: And tonight she didn't disappoint.

Whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo!

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

Hmph.

- (GLASS SHATTERS) - MAN: Oh, hello!

- Taxi! - (SCATTERED LAUGHTER)

(FEEDBACK WHINES)

RED: Um...

It's my first award ever. Huh!

And I would like to thank my mum

for giving me this clown head.

(SINGS) ♪ Jolene, Jolene... ♪

- (CHILDREN LAUGH) - ♪ Jolene, Jolene! ♪

(RED CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)

(AS DOLLY) Well, there are two kinds of people.

Those who know how to have a good time...

..and those who are willin' to learn.

For the second group, let me introduce myself.

My name is Dolly and I'm your teacher.

- Yee-ha! - (APPLAUSE)

I'd like to invite our esteemed boss, Forbes Presley,

up onto the dance floor with his beautiful wife.

(SCATTERED LAUGHTER)

- Come on! - MAN: Come on!

(APPLAUSE)

RED: I'd like to sing a little somethin' for ya.

(NAILS CLICK RHYTHMICALLY)

(BAND PLAYS '9 TO 5' BY DOLLY PARTON)

♪ Tumble outta bed and I stumble to the kitchen

♪ Pour myself a cup of ambition

♪ And yawn and stretch and try to get to my feet

♪ Jump in the shower and the blood starts pumping

♪ Out on the street the traffic starts jumping

♪ With folks like me on the job from 8:30 till 6:00, whoo! ♪

- (CHEERING) - ♪ Working 9 to 5

♪ What a way to make a living

♪ Barely getting by

♪ It's all takin' and no givin'

♪ They just use your mind

♪ And they never give you credit

♪ It's enough to drive you crazy if you let it

♪ 9 to 5

♪ Well, they've got you where they want you

♪ There's a better life

♪ And you think about it, don't you?

♪ It's a rich man's game

♪ No matter what they call it

♪ And you spend your life putting money in his wallet! ♪

(PEOPLE CLAP RHYTHMICALLY)

(EXHALES HEAVILY)

Huh! Kenny Rogers!

He's our most successful client.

We're gearing up for his Australasia tour.

Twin Palms Theatre, Hong Kong, etc.

Oh, Twin Palms? My mum loves that theatre.

It's pretty impressive.

Well, if the show sells out,

we'll go to the USA, which I'm gunning for.

Are you?

How long you been performin' Dolly?

Oh, no. Golly, no.

Just mucking around, but, um...

Tonight was just an unfortunate mistake.

Yeah, right.

Well, it took guts.

- Especially with those people. - (DOOR OPENS)

It's the bland leading the bland in there.

No offence.

- I thought you did alright. - Cheers.

- (WHISTLE IN DISTANCE) - WOMAN: I'd watch that one.

Kenny's performing at the Tamworth Country Music Festival.

- You should come. Bring Dolly. - Oh, no.

You know, only if you liked being an unfortunate mistake.

Night.

(GIGGLING)

(RED AS DOLLY) Welcome to my own

little Tennessee cabin.

ELVIS: Come here, baby. Come on. Come on.

(BOTH BREATHE HEAVILY)

(OBJECTS CLATTER)

(DOOR SHUTS)

- Come on. - (RED MOANS)

OK.

(BOTH PANT)

- Darlin' Dolly. - Yeah?

- You're a straight-up fantasy. - Oh! OK.

- (ELVIS GROWLS) - (RED GIGGLES)

I gotta be honest with you, Dolly.

- I hate these orange pants. - Oh.

Take 'em off, you'd be close to perfection.

- (NORMAL VOICE) Yeah, OK. - Ah! Shh, shh.

As Dolly.

(AS DOLLY) Oh, howdy-doody.

Well, my pants are comin' off.

RED: Bathroom. Back in a sec.

(QUIRKY MUSIC)

(DOORKNOB RATTLES)

(SIGHS AND GROANS)

(PUFFS)

- (URINE TRICKLES) - (SIGHS)

- Raylene! - Oh!

Not on my beautiful grass!

Ohh!

(DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES)

WOMAN: Who was that?

Elvis Presley.

WOMAN: Oh, it was that good, was it?

Ma, please stop locking me out.

It's one o'clock in the morning!

You chose to live in the garage!

Bloody ridiculous.

(GENTLE MUSIC)

(RED CHUCKLES)

(AS DOLLY) There are two kinds of people.

Those who know how to have a good time...

(NORMAL VOICE) ..and those who are just trying.

(MUSIC SWELLS)

(COWS MOO)

(BIRDS CHIRP)

- (VACUUM WHIRRS) - Mum!

Put your gown on!

(SCOFFS)

Nothing wrong with being comfortable

in your skin, darling,

au naturel.

I just wish I looked a little bit more professional.

You are a beautiful sunburnt mushroom.

Um, thanks, Mum.

It's not what I'm going for, but... thanks.

(CAR HORN BEEPS)

WOMAN: Hurry up!

(SHRIEKS)

You're late. Hopeless!

(STARTS CAR)

RED: I mean, look at her.

All that nylon. It'll make your snatch sick.

Well, they say natural perfection isn't everything.

Um, perfection is a bitch. And do we have to be beautiful?

Because it's not easy and it's not my preference.

(FRANCIS CLEARS THROAT)

(KEYBOARD KEYS CLATTER)

- Could I get a word, Raylene? - Yes, you may.

I'll just get my... (AS DOLLY) ..cup of ambition.

- So... - Who do you remind me of?

Scarlett Johansson.

(CHUCKLES) No.

Raylene, I, uh... I have grounds

to fire you for sexual harassment.

Sorry?

Sexual harassment.

('PURE LOVE' BY CRYSTAL WATERS PLAYS)

♪ It's 12 past midnight, don't close your eyes

♪ Your soul's half alive

♪ And I'll be by your side

♪ I want your love... ♪

- 'Cause I was touching crotches? - Many.

♪ I want it tonight... ♪

#MeToo, too many crotches.

♪ I'm taking your heart

♪ So don't you fight... ♪

I'm sorry. I... I've got this impulse control problem.

No, it's not just about last night, Raylene.

Your behaviour has been inappropriate

prior to last night also.

See, you're not bad at putting a value on a property.

It's just the whole rest of the job

that you're a mess.

You know, in business you need to be

a shiny, professional house-and-land package

and you're like a, uh...

- Converted garage? - Yes.

Honestly, you don't really fit in in any office, Red.

I mean, you're late every single day.

You lost your driver's licence when half the job is driving

and you had whisky with that little old lady at the auction.

But she was so lonely!

She hadn't spoken to anyone in two weeks!

If you want to stay here, you need to shut down.

- Shut myself down? - Mm-hm, yep.

Tuck yourself in.

OK, it's too much copper, which is why we're red

and why we hardly charge and why we bleed lots.

It's like bed them or bury them alive

is what the ancient Egyptians...

I don't care about your hair, Red.

Please, Forbes.

I can fit in.

And I can tuck in. I can tuck right in.

And I'd never bring up the size of your cock.

You're fired.

You're like the love child of Mick Hucknall

and Ronald McDonald if they banged.

- I quit! - Excuse me?

This is a circus and you're the freak!

You can't fire me because I quit!

- Oh! - Shi... Oh!

- Oooh! - (RED GASPS)

Ohh!

Tuck that shit in!

('THE GREAT PRETENDER' BY DOLLY PARTON)

♪ Oh, yes

♪ I'm the great pretender... ♪

(MAN GROANS)

♪ Pretending that I'm doing well

- ♪ My need is such... ♪ - (CUP SMASHES)

♪ I pretend too much

♪ I'm lonely

♪ But no-one can tell

♪ I am the

♪ Great pretender... ♪

(TRAIN CROSSING BELL RINGS)

('BLUE SMOKE' BY DOLLY PARTON)

♪ Blue smoke climbin' up the mountain

♪ Blue smoke winding 'round the bend

♪ Blue smoke is the name of the heartbreak train

♪ That I am ridin' in

♪ I left a note, I wrote "I'm leavin'

♪ "And I won't be comin' back"

♪ Blue smoke rollin', rollin', rollin'

♪ Rollin', rollin' down the track

♪ Clicketty, clicketty Clicketty clack

♪ Just stay on track and never look back... ♪

('TULSA TURNAROUND' BY KENNY ROGERS PLAYS)

♪ Oh, Omaha honey had a hold on a hell of a thing

♪ Down in a hollar

♪ Every evening you can hear her sing

♪ She sang funky, but showed me the Tulsa Turnaround

♪ Stepped on my toes, turned me on and turned me down

♪ Fit me like a hand in a glove

♪ Taught me how to love, y'all... ♪

- WOMAN: I love you! - (CROWD CHEERS AND WHISTLES)

WOMAN 2: Come back to my room. I love you!

(SONG CONTINUES)

Thanks a lot.

And this one. This one's for Trudy.

- (PEOPLE YELL AND CHEER) - WOMAN: And this one too!

RED: Dolly. Where do I start?

I mean she's old-school, but she's new-school relevant.

- Mm. - She's funny and successful.

And smart and talented.

But she's heart-breaking and she's a poet,

but she knows who she is, you know?

She's just like that little bit of hope

holding up humanity or at least my humanity.

Why are you 'Teeth'?

- Real name's Annie. - Oh.

But I got my nickname

'cause I had a sack of teeth growing in my ovaries.

- (SPITS) - (TEETH LAUGHS)

Every time.

- What?! - (TEETH CHUCKLES)

Hey, we're casting for a new Dolly at the moment

for Kenny's show to boost his image and ticket sales

and I'm submittin' you as my number one.

What?

There's a Dolly stand-up gig on tonight.

- Whoa. Whoa, whoa, whoa. - Yeah. Come on.

- Oh. - It's gonna be a tough crowd.

Let's see what you're made of.

Oh, wow. Alright.

(CHUCKLES) Yeah, make-up's a little extra.

Thanks, Tay-Tay, you squeaky mouse.

You said do my best. Best.

Oh, no. Oh, no!

- Is it too much? Is it too much? - No, look.

It's... it's... it's fine.

It's... it's fine. We don't have time.

Plus, Kenny's here.

Don't worry. You don't have to sing.

Just, um, banter.

I don't think this is such a good idea.

- I feel carsick. - No, listen. Come on.

Remember, it's about the audience

and their nostalgia, right?

It is more about them and less about you.

- OK. - Yeah?

Like you did at that office party.

Unless you wanna go back to a boring nine-to-five.

I really don't, I really don't.

No, 'cause you'd neck yourself, mate.

- And I'd probably help you. - Thank you.

- Now... - Thanks.

..let me look at you.

Well, mate, you're a bit of a hot mess.

But the time is now.

- OK. - Pony up. You can do it.

TAYLOR: That a girl.

('DUMB BLONDE' BY DOLLY PARTON PLAYS)

♪ Just because I'm blonde, don't think I'm dumb

♪ 'Cause this dumb blonde ain't nobody's fool... ♪

(ANNOUNCER ON MICROPHONE) Welcome, Dolly!

(AUDIENCE CHEERS)

Best of luck.

(AS DOLLY) Howdy.

(PERSON WOLF-WHISTLES)

(NORMAL VOICE) I've gotta be honest.

This is my first time properly.

MAN: We'll be gentle!

- (LAUGHTER AND CHEERING) - MAN: Howdy, darling!

(AS DOLLY) Well, look at you all!

MAN: Thanks, Doll.

We'd rather be looked at than overlooked!

(CROWD EXCLAIMS)

(CHATTER)

(CHATTER CONTINUES)

Well, I really...

..I really patterned my look from a serious place,

from a country girl's idea of glamour

after what they called the "town tramp".

(CHEERING AND WHISTLING)

In a country town, a mountain town,

there's always a few loose women.

That's me!

And she had this beautiful peroxide hair

piled on her head, red nails, high-heel shoes

and I just thought she was the prettiest thing I've ever seen.

(PERSON WOLF-WHISTLES)

But my momma, she said, "She ain't nothin' but trash."

And I thought, "That's what I wanna be, Momma.

"I want to be trash!"

(ALL CHEER WILDLY)

Opinionated mommas, we've all got 'em,

burnin' in our ears.

But thank you so much for listening, boys.

One piece of advice.

Always act like it's rainin' and wear your rubbers!

(CROWD ROARS)

(LAUGHS)

Thank you and goodnight!

(AUDIENCE WHISTLES AND APPLAUDS)

- Doll. - Hey!

I may look like a man, but inside I'm a lady.

- (MAN CHUCKLES) - Whoo-hoo!

Hey, you did pretty good!

Hey, who's that guy with Kenny?

He looks like Neil Diamond.

TEETH: That's my boss, Wilson Stone.

He runs Genuine Copy Management.

- I didn't want to freak you out. - I freaked anyway.

- I mean, I freaked! - No, but you were fine.

I've gotta get Kenny to the hotel.

- But make sure you call me. - I will.

- You did well. - Thanks.

(SIGHS) I need a drink.

Hey, Franny, I'm staying at this motel

with this huge golden guitar...

- Hey! - MAN: Thank you, Dolly.

..this huge golden guitar out the front

and I just performed as Dolly,

but I didn't touch any crotches.

And I've got this new friend who grew teeth in her ovaries.

OK. See you. Bye.

(SQUEALS HAPPILY, GIGGLES AND BURPS)

(BIRDS CHIRP)

(KNOCK AT DOOR)

(KNOCKING GETS LOUDER)

Come in.

Buddy!

You get fired from work, you're five hours out of town

with a woman with teeth in her vagina?

Call me crazy, but terror ran through my brain.

You're a silly, billy, willy, villy.

(FRANCIS SNORTS) Get up.

Help me. (GROANS)

Yep, yep. That's good, that's good.

FRANCIS: Come on, Red. Get in the shower.

RED: Yep, yep, yep, yep. Oh, my feet!

This drag queen had the prettiest boob job.

- FRANCIS: Do not get bolt-ons! - I'm just saying...

I'm just saying, what a professional.

FRANCIS: I smell Sunday roast chicken!

It's hormone-free!

Can't have my men growing breasts.

- Red, hi. - Hey, Gramps.

- Mwah! - Darlin'.

Ooh! Bathroom.

Where have you been?

Francis's couch.

Just 'cause you're old enough doesn't mean that I've...

BOTH: ..stopped being your mum.

Oh, Franny, did you win that award, darling?

- (TOILET FLUSHES) - I forgot to ask.

- FRANCIS: Nope. - Maybe next year.

Or Red might even get the award.

- I will. - FRANCIS: You got fired.

(GASPS) You got fired?

- Again? - I didn't. Mum, calm down.

Well, it's not exactly soothing information.

It's nothing. It's just a career glitch.

FRANCIS: Oh, sorry, Red quit. She quit.

You got fired and quit, but in the same day?

Well, that's new.

You know, in all my career, I have never lost a job.

I've always been a high achiever.

I've had rounds of IVF and then being a single mum,

very creative.

I've managed to have my cake, decorate it and eat it,

so to speak, hm?

I just boggle at... you.

I know! You can work with me at the Royal Blind Society.

You could move back in here, we can rent out the garage...

Mum, I'm not moving back in here.

- I'm perfectly capable myself. - Are you?

'Cause I'd say it's been quite the journey so far.

What are you going to do?

Well, I'll tell you. She is going...

Mm!

She's gonna tell you that Franny and I are dating.

See? Partner, Mum.

- Ticked that box. - Oh! Oh!

That's the news to focus on.

Ohh, my darlings!

RED: I know!

Ha ha ha! (GIGGLES MANIACALLY)

Ohh!

Where are you going?

Obviously to yours.

I just need a frickin' minute, just a minute,

to work out me and my career thing

without everyone's 50 cents.

So Dolly... is moving in with you.

(SIGHS HEAVILY)

- Ooh! - Ohh.

(AS DOLLY) She's brash, she's bubbly,

real forward.

Nipples to the sky.

And be confident!

(LAUGHS)

(NORMAL VOICE) Three bras does the trick.

(AS DOLLY) Hello, Kenny. My name is Dolly.

Kenny, you're so hot.

I will always love you.

(NORMAL VOICE) Oh, man, she's hard. Dolly's so hard.

(AS DOLLY) I will love you too if you keep your ass so tight.

(NORMALLY) Should have gone with Britney Spears or something.

Ooh! Cool Bowie!

The Teeth is taking me to this secret club

and hopefully I'll win over her boss somehow

and he'll take me on as Kenny's Dolly.

OK, so just a reminder that your track record with bosses

or any authority ever is not great.

So try and be a bit more Dolly

and less Red when negotiating

or even charming him

'cause you're gonna need cash to pay off

the credit debt you just cranked up.

Yeah, well, big stars of the copy world make good coin.

This isn't a game to me. This is business.

Franny, can you help me?

I can't do anything with these nails.

Oh, just...

(ZIPPER BUZZES)

Yeah.

Here.

(AS DOLLY) My name is Dolly. Ain't you cute?

- Ain't you sweet? Ain't you... - Is this right?

Yeah. Can you do it up?

Hurry, Franny. Come on. I'm running late.

- (ZIP BUZZES) - And I got it.

OK. How do I look?

Ain't you a squeezy bag of peaches? (CHUCKLES)

OK.

(SIGHS)

(GROANS)

(HOPEFUL MUSIC)

I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry I'm late.

TEETH: I'll have to knock that out of you

'cause my time is no less valuable than yours, alright?

And ease up on the 'sorry's.

Dolly would do one tough 'sorry' and that's it.

Sorry.

Cool.

- Ready to be Dolly? - Yeah.

- (KNOCKS) - (GIGGLES NERVOUSLY)

- That wig is so much better. - Thanks.

You get one shot with Wilson, so don't mess it up, OK?

(ANNOUNCER ON MICROPHONE) It's cocktail hour

with the one and only Miss Ton Vee!

- (APPLAUSE) - (SULTRY JAZZ MUSIC PLAYS)

(PEOPLE CHATTER AND LAUGH)

(JAZZ MUSIC CONTINUES)

MAN: I told you I've got a Streisand back in the States.

I don't need another, darling.

Sorry to interrupt. Dolly, this is Wilson.

Wilson, Dolly performed in Tamworth, remember?

(LOWLY) In... in drag.

Take me back to Vegas with you, Neil Diamond.

Mwah!

Always with the kiss. (SIGHS)

(JAZZ MUSIC CONTINUES)

Two, two.

(CROWD CHEERS)

(CHEERING AND WHISTLING)

(SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY)

(AS KENNY) 'I Will Always Love You'.

(GIGGLES)

Really?

Good move not selling that song to Elvis

and making a packet with Whitney Houston.

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

(JAZZ MUSIC ENDS)

(CHEERS)

ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen,

keep that applause going

for your favourite master of ceremonies,

the one, the only, Elvis!

(APPLAUSE)

- Come here, baby. - Mmm!

Come on.

- (SQUEAK!) - Oh!

(GIGGLES)

ELVIS: Isn't she a sweetie? Miss Ton Vee!

Could I have another round of applause for her, please?

- (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) - (SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY)

ELVIS: Oh, hello, Norma Jean.

- Oh! - Later?

We've got a fabulous show for you here tonight.

We're gonna be following up with Lady Gaga...

(WHISTLING AND CHEERING)

..and Miss Amy Winehouse,

so please hang onto your drinks, your wares.

I'll be right back.

We're gonna have a great time tonight.

RED: Going to the ladies.

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

(ELVIS CONTINUES INDISTINCTLY IN DISTANCE)

PERSON: Hey, Wilson! How's it goin'?

(DOOR SHUTS IN DISTANCE)

(HEARTBEAT THUDS)

(SINGS) ♪ Touch a man who can't walk upright

♪ And that main man, he gon' fly

♪ And I fly, yeah

♪ And I fly...

♪ Holly, holy... ♪

- Shit! - RED: You sound amazing.

- I was trying... - I'm a woman, not a drag act.

Good for you. I'll tell Kenny. He was wondering.

I want to make a living doing this.

(SCOFFS) You and every other tribute performer.

Doesn't mean it's a good idea.

Give me a chance.

Whatever happened to a good old-fashioned chance?

They got phased out in the '80s.

I have genuine copies,

not copies of copies.

Do you breathe, sleep and eat Dolly?

It's hard work, OK,

from every small, demeaning gig to the biggest venues.

And you strike me as someone

who doesn't stick to things, right?

Yeah. I thought so.

This is where I belong.

I feel at home here.

This is what I'm supposed to be doing!

I mean, I've idolised Dolly since I was a kid.

Please, Wilson.

- Man, please! - Hey!

Dolly don't beg.

No begging. Sorry.

No sorrys.

(AS DOLLY) No sorrys, no beggin'.

I would've been tall if I didn't get bunched up at the top.

(SINGS) ♪ Baby, I'm burnin' out of control

♪ Baby, I'm burnin' body and soul... ♪

(MURMURS)

(SINGS QUIETLY)

Poof! Poof!

Hmph.

Yeah, you're weird enough. I'll give you that.

We need more Dollys in the world.

('MODERN LOVE' BY DAVID BOWIE)

Listen to me.

I've got someone else in mind for Kenny's tour.

But...

..I like the '80s

so I'm gonna throw you a bone.

♪ It's not really work, it's just the power to charm... ♪

Show me what you're made of.

♪ Still standing in the wind

♪ But I never wave bye-bye... ♪

FRANCIS: Hey, I grabbed your favourite power juice.

Did I tell you I saw Katy Perry making out with Katy Perry?

Well, I want to see the Katys!

Not until I'm a pro and not at the club

'cause you're not a copy or a manager

or a celebrity.

Yeah, you wouldn't fit in.

These people are so wonderfully unique.

Can you try and keep Dolly

tucked in to just one corner of the house?

- (DOOR OPENS) - Don't wait up!

- You're welcome. - (DOOR CLOSES)

(FUNKY MUSIC)

TEETH: So you just stick to the script, yeah,

honouring the incredible work

of iconic Australian actor Jack Thompson.

Then you sing your Jack song.

- And then you're off. - Yeah.

George, the Minogue sisters are stuck together.

KYLIE: Hang on, Dannii!

If I pull down and you pull sideways, it might work.

TEETH: Kylie and Dannii were supposed to do a spot

with Elvis and introduce Dolly.

Dolly, you buffer with Elvis.

Remember, banter is your forte.

WOMAN: No, no, I can't do that. I can't improvise.

- TEETH: Yes, you can. - WOMAN: I have to prepare.

- TEETH: Let's go. - What's...

GEORGE: You two, I'm gonna push you out.

There's gonna be a lot of people coming through here.

(AUDIENCE CHEERS AND APPLAUDS)

Thank you very much.

Thank you very much, everybody. Thank you very much.

Who's wearing a wig now? Who's wearing a wig?

(CAST CHATTERING)

ELVIS: Oh, Madonna, darlin', you look so pretty there.

I'm just not so sure about your hair.

You take it down, you'd be close to perfect.

May I come down there and give you a kiss, ma'am?

Thank you, ma'am. Thank you.

(AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS AND APPLAUDS)

WOMAN: Improvise, Dolly. You've got this. You...

Damn straight I do.

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS AND CHEERS)

- (AS DOLLY) Why, howdy, Elvis! - (WOLF-WHISTLE)

Ladies and gents,

dollars and cents.

ELVIS: Hello, Dolly. Look at you.

Please do. I'd rather be looked at than overlooked.

- (LAUGHTER) - ELVIS: Mm-mm!

(AUDIENCE TITTERING)

Madonna, don't listen to Elvis.

I don't like to be like everybody else.

That's the easiest thing in the world to do.

Love you, Dolly!

But you ain't

the real deal now, are you, Dolly?

Nothin' real about me, but my heart.

ELVIS: I've seen you perform. I ain't so sure.

I've seen you perform too, Elvis.

- (LAUGHTER) - That's right.

All men come back for an encore and a standin' ovation,

but you weren't even standin'.

Oh, thank you very much, Dolly. Thanks very much about that.

Miss Dolly Parton here. Thank you very much.

Has he left the buildin' yet? I'm just kiddin'.

Isn't he a sweetie, ladies and gentlemen?

Now, we've got a very special guest here tonight

and I've got a little song for my friend Jack.

- (AUDIENCE CHEERS AND APPLAUDS) - ('APPLEJACK' BY DOLLY PARTON)

♪ Play a song for me, Applejack, Applejack

♪ Play a song for me and I'll sing

♪ Play a song for me, Applejack, Applejack

♪ Play a song, Let your banjo ring... ♪

Alright, the guest spot in Kenny's show,

starting with five appearances at the Orchard Oriental.

My cut is 35%.

- 20. - 30.

Done, with a cut of the merch.

We don't have merch. But you know what?

Actually, that's a very good idea.

- Hm. - WILSON: OK. What do you think?

Dolly says, "You'll never do a whole lot

"unless you're brave enough to try."

Alright, Dolly. Pack your bags.

Sunday, you're going to Hong Kong, baby.

Yes!

(SQUEALS AND SINGS JOYFULLY)

- Hmm... - WILSON: Watch the bar.

- (GLASS CLINKS) - Watch the bar!

Are you gonna come out of the closet to Viv before you fly?

Franny, don't take the piss.

I'm nervous enough as it is.

Come on. This is one bed, one bath.

I am busting my arse right now!

Old self is gone.

I've torn down the fibro, chucked out the asbestos

and the new brick has gone up.

I'm a better house

not ready to be appraised just yet.

Hong Kong is a big deal!

They're gonna start paying me well.

Yeah, that's what I'm saying! It's a professional job.

You can stop covering up. Viv will be proud.

Do you think she might be mildly proud?

It's a great Mother's Day gift.

Mm.

She does love her garden more than she loves me.

That could be true.

Yeah.

- Ooh...! - Oh, Franny, don't.

Well, I've got some news.

Oh, here we go. Brace for it.

- I've got some news too. - Oh.

- But you go first. Go on. - OK.

I sold one of my macrame thingies to a lady at work!

Congrats, Ma.

Is she blind?

Well... yes.

And I've started online dating.

- Whoa. - Mm!

It must be two decades since...

- OK, Dad! Thanks. - (BOTH SNICKER)

VIV: Yes, I'm pretty proud of myself.

Very modern of me.

Well, my news, also modern.

- Job. - VIV: Oh! Fabulous!

Oh, I couldn't bear another embarrassing

career song and dance.

(VIV CHUCKLES)

I'm a Dolly Parton impersonator.

(LAUGHS)

Oh! (CONTINUES LAUGHING)

OK, I mean, we all know how much you love her,

but people are gonna pay to see you do that, are they?

- Yes! - (VIV SCOFFS)

As much as people pay for your cock and ball thingos.

I manage to be normal, thank you, darling,

while you're off on some wild, sequinned goose chase

that isn't gonna end well.

They're flying me to Hong Kong tonight for a gig

with the world's best Kenny Rogers impersonator.

And we're performing at this really posh hotel

for a whole week!

Much to your surprise, Mum, I'm not an idiot

and it will end well if it kills me.

Dolly or dead!

So... end of discussion.

('JOLENE' PLAYS)

(CANTONESE VERSION OF 'JOLENE')

You're enough.

This will probably be your last job

and you'll never work again.

You're enough.

You're gonna be fine.

- (TEETH CALLS OUT INDISTINCTLY) - I'm farting too, constantly.

- Must be the plane food. - What?

- I said, "Starting!" - Oh, golly, gotta... gotta go.

I wish we had more time to prepare.

- ♪ Know when to fold 'em... ♪ - (AUDIENCE SINGS ALONG)

♪ Know when to walk away

♪ Know when to run

♪ You never count your money

♪ When you're sitting at the table

♪ There'll be time enough for counting

♪ When the deal is done. ♪

(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)

- (URINE TRICKLES) - (EXHALES)

(GASPS AND SHRIEKS)

Now, I gotta tell you, folks,

this next song is one of my all-time favourites.

He might be singing it by himself.

- I know. Jesus! - I promised you a surprise.

(GASPS) Oh, no, no, no.

(GROANS) I'm such an idiot.

('ISLANDS IN THE STREAM' STARTS)

(TEETH MUTTERS)

Far out.

♪ Baby, when I met you

♪ There was peace unknown... ♪

- WILSON: There she is! That's... - Did I miss it?

- What happened? - TEETH: Oh, my God.

- It's fine. - It's not fine!

It's not. Where are your other wigs?

- In my dressing room. - We don't have time...

- Go. Go! - It's fine, it's fine.

- I'm going on. - It's not fine. You look crazy.

- Just get it together, OK? - OK. Yeah.

And remember to hold his hand. Be Dolly!

♪ You do something to me that I can't explain

♪ Hold me closer and I feel no pain

♪ Every do-do-do...

- ♪ Do-do, do, do, do-do... ♪ - (AUDIENCE MURMURS)

♪ Oh-oh

♪ Tender love is blind

♪ It requires a dedication... ♪

Smile and get it together.

This sexy man makes a girl speechless!

(APPLAUSE)

BOTH: ♪ We ride it together, ah-ha

♪ Making love with each other, ah-ha

♪ Islands in the stream

- ♪ That is what we are... ♪ - (AUDIENCE SINGS ALONG)

♪ No-one in between

♪ How can we be wrong... ♪

A stream is a small body of water.

Yeah, I know, but it's fine.

There's no way an island fits in a stream.

I know.

♪ And we rely on each other, ah-ha

♪ From one lover to another, ah-ha. ♪

(SONG ENDS)

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

Thank you very much. You have been a wonderful audience.

Thank you very much!

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

And thank you to the divine Dolly Parton.

Well, thank you for havin' me, Kenny.

(APPLAUSE CONTINUES)

Shall we sing it one more time? What do you say, folks?

- Let's sing it one more time. - (CHEERING)

Hey, Dolly, my little star, get... get back up here!

- Come on! - Enunciate!

- OK. - ♪ Islands in the stream... ♪

Oh, my God.

- ♪ That is what we are... ♪ - (MUTTERS)

♪ No-one in between

♪ How can we be wrong?

♪ Sail away with me

♪ To another world

♪ And we rely on each other, ah-ha

♪ From one lover to another, ah-ha. ♪

I'm landin', covered in make-up, glitter on my face.

Glitter?

And I hear...

(KNOCKS ON TABLE)

In walks Wilson

and Mr Kenny Rogers himself

and he says,

"You do me better than I do me."

Oh, I love that.

I love that!

Then he goes, "World's best.

"You keep the dream alive, boy."

(SQUEALS) Ohh!

- Mmm. - Mm-hm.

Oh, his...

..his music touched me deeply when I was growin' up.

Mm-hm.

And I look like him.

- And he chose me. - Mm-hm.

It's been my clear calling all of my life.

Well, now he's gone, it's... it's just me.

And, uh...

Dolly.

- (RED MOANS) - Oh, Dolly.

Oh, Kenny.

(DRIVING MUSIC)

- (MOANS) - Get up. Get up.

Oh!

- Oh, Kenny... - Oh!

Oh, Kenny!

Oh, Kenny!

- Oh! - Oh, Dolly.

- (YELPS) - Oh, Dolly.

- Oh, Dolly! - (MUSIC RISES)

- OH, DOLLY! - OH, KENNY!

(BOTH MOAN LOUDLY)

(GIGGLES)

Hm...

Hmm.

(PLANE ENGINE ROARS)

(TYRES SQUEAL)

(BAG THUDS)

- I've got 'pwesents'! - Hey.

I'm so sorry I didn't call, Franwa.

It's just Hong Kong was just full-on, but it was amazing.

(SINGS CHEERFULLY)

(FRANCIS HUMS ALONG)

This Kenny Rogers impersonator is such a professional.

- What's his name? - Um...

..coincidentally, it's Kenny.

His name is Kenny?

Did you two get it on?

- Mmm. - Good for you, mate! (LAUGHS)

At least one of us is getting laid.

Bring him to Sunday roast so we can all judge him.

- Hmm. - I'm kidding.

Let's not jump ahead, Franny.

But he does bring out the best in me.

If I were an impersonator, I'd want to be...

Who would you be?

- Mm? - I'd be you.

As if you could be me.

(MIMICS RED) Because I blink a lot

because it's really intense living my life

because I've got really full-on hair

and it's really full-on and hard,

but some people just fly to Hong Kong

and then you just become the most perfect Dolly,

the perfect Dolly.

I'm actually making a career out of this.

Yeah, I know, but you can't just be

a cardboard cut-out of an impersonator.

I'm not.

I'm just saying you've gotta bring more to it

than a blonde wig and a bra full of socks, right?

Creatively,

emotionally, socially.

I am bringing more!

(MUFFLED MOANING)

(MOANING BECOMES LOUDER)

(MOANING INTENSIFIES)

It's fibro walls.

You should, um, start looking at rentals.

Also, have you spoken to your mum yet?

I'm wondering if I should "break up" with you or what?

- Um, yeah. Um... - (MOANING CONTINUES)

Tell her that I broke up with you because I couldn't...

- ..commit. - Open up?

Yeah, great. Perfect.

(PENSIVE MUSIC)

RED: It's an investment for my career,

so as I was saying,

I just, uh... I don't want to be so flat.

You know, I want to have shape, you know, big'uns.

Take a seat. Doreen, is it?

Uh, it's actually Raylene.

This is the size I am willing to do for you.

They will be beautiful.

The size you're asking for you'd have to work up to

with multiple surgeries over an extensive lifetime career.

Oh.

If you decide to go under the knife,

do you want them under the breast muscle or over?

Let me think.

What did Dolly do?

- Jolene? - Um, yeah? Oh, sorry, yes.

Um, under the breast muscle.

(KEYBOARD CLICKS)

ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen, put your hands together

for the Copy Club's hottest duo,

Kenny and Dolly!

♪ You've painted up your lips

♪ And rolled and curled your tinted hair... ♪

(AUDIENCE CHEERS AND APPLAUDS)

Yee-ha!

♪ Ruby, are you contemplating going out somewhere?

KENNY: ♪ The shadows on the wall tell me

♪ The sun is goin' down

BOTH: ♪ Oh, Ruby

♪ Don't take your love to town... ♪

(APPLAUSE)

KENNY: ♪ It wasn't me that started

♪ That old crazy Asian war

♪ But I was proud to go and do my patriotic chore

♪ And, yes, it's true

♪ That I'm not the man

♪ I used to be... ♪

(ELEVATOR DINGS)

BOTH: ♪ Oh, Ruby

KENNY: ♪ For Godsakes, turn around... ♪

MAN: OK, Kenny, if you could step out now.

- Alright, baby. Over to you. - OK!

BOTH: ♪ Oh, Ruby

KENNY: ♪ For Godsakes, turn around. ♪

KENNY: Get over here!

(RED AS DOLLY) Kenny, I cannot believe this house!

KENNY: We smash the rest of this tour, baby,

Nashville will be calling.

Mmm.

So...

..your real name.

You're coming undone here.

- Oh, golly. - Here.

No, you're right, you're right.

Kenny, Dolly.

I'm... I'm Kenny Rogers, officially deed polled and all.

You prefer Dolly, I assume?

Like you have no idea.

(GIGGLES)

People think that I'm weird,

that my behaviour is inappropriate or whatever,

but being a mimic is not enough.

It doesn't matter who you are or what industry you're in.

You cannot be halfway in.

Yeah, you've gotta bring everythin'.

Emotionally, creatively, socially.

I get it.

You're just blossomin'.

Dolly would be really proud of you, Dolly.

And we just fit, you and I.

Still, here we are,

both of us lonely.

(SINGS) ♪ Longing for shelter

♪ From all that we see

♪ Why should we worry

♪ No-one will care, girl

♪ Look at the stars now

♪ So far away

♪ We've got tonight

♪ Who needs tomorrow?

BOTH: ♪ We've got tonight, babe

♪ Why don't you stay? ♪

(TENDER MUSIC)

(KENNY CHUCKLES)

Okey-dokey.

Five, six, seven, eight...

OK.

Well... Alright.

You got your own room for your private gal time.

RED: Mm-hm.

And don't worry. I'm not too far away. Just over there.

Spare key set cut for front and back door

just in case you get locked out.

Huh!

I guess we're doin' this.

Home, sweet home!

(SQUEALS)

- KENNY: Oh, baby. - Mmm!

(KEYS CLATTER)

(BOTH LAUGH)

(AUDIENCE CHEERS AND APPLAUDS)

♪ Get ready for me, love, 'cause I'm a comer

♪ I simply gotta march, my heart's a drummer

♪ Nobody, no, nobody

♪ Is gonna

♪ Rain on my

♪ Parade! ♪

(HOLDS NOTE)

Yeah!

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

I know. I know.

Ladies and gentlemen, would you please welcome

our newest master of ceremonies,

the Empress of Country,

Ms Dolly Parton!

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

Thank you!

Welcome, my new friends.

Oh, my golly, welcome!

It is important to keep our homes open to everybody.

It doesn't matter what size, colour, shape you are.

You find out who you are and you do it on purpose.

(APPLAUSE)

Ain't that right, Elvis?

Truth is like the sun.

You can shut it out for a time, but it ain't goin' away.

(LAUGHTER)

(AUDIENCE CHANTS) Dolly! Dolly! Dolly! Dolly!

Dolly! Dolly! Dolly! Dolly!

('CAN'T GET YOU OUT OF MY HEAD' BY KYLIE MINOGUE PLAYS)

♪ I just can't get you out of my head

♪ Boy, your lovin' is all I think about

♪ I just can't get you out of my head

♪ Boy, it's more than I dare to think about

♪ La, la, la La, la, la-la la

♪ La, la, la... ♪

(MUSIC FADES)

(INSECTS CHIRP)

(DOOR OPENS)

VIV: That's Zhang, my new border.

I'm assuming you're worried about me

and you've come to apologise

for falling off the face of the earth.

I'm fine. Lost weight. Mm. See?

I've come to give you some cash for the mortgage

and invite you to my gig,

which is at your favourite theatre,

Twin Palms.

Hmm. A step up from the school talent contest.

I'll come for a laugh.

No, Mum, don't come for a laugh.

It's serious!

I mean, they're talking Nashville and a US tour.

I can't win with you.

(SIGHS)

I was devastated to hear that you and Franny were a joke.

How cruel.

(SNIFFS AND HUFFS)

(GRUNTS ANGRILY)

(MELANCHOLY MUSIC)

(SIGHS)

Alright! Alright!

It's her problem!

KENNY: "Kenny in the Kimberley." Got a great ring to it.

(RED AS DOLLY) How long till you're back?

It's only two weeks, baby, but... I'll miss you.

- Mm-hm. - I will.

At home, on stage,

backstage, everywhere.

I'll give you a call once I land.

OK.

(AS DOLLY) My weapons of mass distraction. Hm.

Hmm!

Mm, let's do this.

(HUMS AND CLICKS TONGUE)

(LIGHT MUSIC)

MAN: Here we go.

WOMAN: Little sting. Little prick.

(WINCES)

Everything's gonna be alright.

(BREATHES SHAKILY)

Yeah.

(MECHANICAL WHIRRING)

(MUSIC FADES)

(MONITOR BEEPS)

(ETHEREAL DISTORTED MUSIC)

('TOUCH YOUR WOMAN' BY DOLLY PARTON)

♪ There are times when I should be strong

♪ When I'm awfully weak

♪ When the sudden blows of life

♪ Have brought me to my knees

♪ Woman needs a helpin' hand

♪ Needs someone to understand

♪ Needs the man she loves to help her stand

♪ So touch your woman, touch your woman

♪ Everything's gonna be alright

♪ Touch your woman, touch your woman

♪ Let me know

♪ Let me know everything's alright

♪ And when the busy day is done

♪ And you lay by my side

♪ You know exactly what it takes

♪ To keep me satisfied

♪ You know exactly what I need

♪ And I always go to sleep in peace

♪ Thanking God that you belong to me

♪ So touch your woman

♪ Touch your woman

♪ Let me know

♪ Let me know everything's alright. ♪

(MECHANICAL WHIRRING)

(MONITORS BEEP)

(GROANS)

WOMAN: Hey, it's OK.

You're in recovery and this is normal.

Your body is naturally going into protective mode

and is rejecting the implants, which is absolutely...

- Normal. - ..normal.

Oh.

WOMAN: I'll go and get you some morphine.

OK.

Oh, and your next of kin is waiting for you outside.

Oh, shit.

(RED TRILLS AND BLOWS RASPBERRIES)

Whoo-hoo! Whoo! Yes, yes!

Franwa, hello!

Do I look 'boobiful'? (LAUGHS) I can't say it!

- (SIGHS) - Why are you so angry?

Everything's gonna be alright.

(EXHALES HEAVILY)

(BIRDS CHIRP)

Cutting yourself to be beautiful

is unbelievable to me.

It's fucking stupid!

Oh, why are you so jacked up

about what I do with my body anyway?

Because I'm your mate

trying to stop you from making dumb choices.

Well, I don't need saving.

I'm not trying to save you.

I'm trying to love you, you arsehole!

Ow. (WINCES)

(RED GROANS)

If you hadn't had your head so far up your arse,

you'd know I've actually met someone.

(SCOFFS AND GRUNTS)

(PULLS DOOR SHUT)

('I WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOU' BY DOLLY PARTON)

♪ If I should stay

♪ I would only be in your way... ♪

That's right, ladies and gentlemen.

I am back and I am better than ever!

(AUDIENCE CHEERS)

I've always had big'uns, just not this big.

I used to be a little champagne glass

and now I'm a watermelon.

- Whoo! - (APPLAUSE)

♪ And I

♪ Will always love you

♪ I will always

♪ Love you

♪ I will always

♪ Love you. ♪

Oh...

Who is the real Kenny?

(BREATHES SHARPLY)

Oh, where is this guy?

Kenny, Kenny, Kenny, Kenny, Kenny!

(SIGHS HEAVILY)

(MAN ON TV) You're part synthetic.

(DOLLY LAUGHS ON TV) Well, I think that's probably true.

I think a part of what magic I may have

as far as my personality

is the fact that I look totally artificial

and I like to think that I'm totally real.

(CAR HORN BLARES)

MAN: Do you see yourself as a sex symbol?

DOLLY: I feel sexy.

I... I try to be, uh, sexy, I guess...

(RED AS DOLLY) Is that my star man?

I got an early flight 'cause I missed my girl!

I got presents!

(EXHALES) Whoo-hoo-hoo, girl!

Yeah... girls!

I'm 100% committed.

- Hmm. - You wanna feel 'em?

- Right? - (KENNY CHUCKLES)

Why'd you do that?

Because the other ones weren't working.

I hadn't noticed, but I'm a butt man, so...

RED: Huh.

Well, these are real.

Sure thing, Doll. I hope they make you happy.

(PENSIVE PIANO MUSIC)

KENNY: So... so, um...

Yeah, it's a little messy, but I'm gettin' to it.

Have, uh, you been...

..you been going through my things?

Lookin' for what?

Your momma. Your friends.

More about the real you.

I... I am real.

So how'd you get here?

Do you miss your old self?

Come on, now.

You can't just be a cardboard cut-out.

(SCOFFS) Well...

Kenny Rogers, baby.

(FOOTSTEPS RECEDE)

(PENSIVE PIANO MUSIC CONTINUES)

You OK?

Red, the Twin Palms Theatre has sold out.

- Mm. - Congratulations!

Oh...

Dolly's finally taken over, hey?

What does Kenny think of your new equipment?

(AS DOLLY) He's a butt man.

But I didn't do it for him. I did it for myself.

- (CRACKLING SOUND) - (TEETH EXCLAIMS AND LAUGHS)

You alright? (CONTINUES LAUGHING)

- Oh! (LAUGHS) - (EXHALES)

Night.

- (FOOTSTEPS RECEDE) - Oh.

ELVIS: Hey, Dolly.

So how's it been fillin' my shoes,

takin' my job, hm?

You think you're so fuckin' special.

Nothin' real about me...

- ..'cept my heart. - 'Cept my heart. Mm.

(SPITS)

Those look real fake.

Your opinion means nothin' to me.

Well, then, you won't mind me reminding you

of who you really are.

I know what's under that wig...

..Raylene.

- Hey! - (GRUNTS)

I...

- (GASPS) - I...

(IN NORMAL VOICE) It's so easy for you.

You have no idea.

It's not easy for any of us!

(FOOTSTEPS RECEDE)

(MELANCHOLY MUSIC)

(BREATHES SHAKILY)

(RED LAUGHS)

ELVIS: You're seriously red

and you have no titties.

It's nothin' personal, darlin', but, uh,

the truth is like the sun.

You can shut it out for a time,

but it ain't goin' away.

Oh!

RED: Mmm!

KENNY: Dolly, honey.

- Quit, quit, quit... - Shh, shh, shh, shh.

(MUMBLES)

Baby, stop! Dolly, this is serious business, alright?

Now, I want to show you something, alright?

My daddy, he was in the army.

He made me shave it all off.

He was violent.

He was a real piece of work.

One of the saddest days of my childhood.

(AS DOLLY) Just because you lost your fuzz

don't mean you ain't a peach.

You're a good man, Kenny.

Hey.

You're a good man.

I wanna meet your mom.

Uh-huh.

LIONEL: Mm.

- And, darling? - Mm?

Breasts?

(AS DOLLY) Well, I get to choose what I do with my body

because it's mine.

If people have gotta look at you,

at least give them somethin' decent to look at. (CHUCKLES)

Ain't that right, Zhang?

And what about you two?

- Francis introduced us. - Mm!

(VIV CHUCKLES)

(EXHALES HEAVILY)

Mm.

Viv... this chicken is delicious.

Oh, thank you... Kenny. (CHUCKLES)

It's not too dry?

Oh! So tender.

(KNOCKS ON GLASS)

I'll get it.

LIONEL: Thank you. (SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY)

WOMAN: Hey, Zhang.

- Oh, darling, hello! - Hi!

- VIV: How are you? - Good to see you.

FRANCIS: Red, this is Betty.

Oh, Dolly, Betty.

BETTY: It's so great you're finally here

and I get to meet you!

It's funny. I get 'Ruby' all the time.

FRANCIS: So sorry we're late, Viv.

I'm Kenny, man. Nice to meet you.

- Hi. - Pleasure.

BETTY: Thank you.

(BETTY MUTTERS)

(SIGHS AND MUMBLES)

You can trump last time.

(LIONEL CHUCKLES)

(AS DOLLY) So what do you do?

I'm... I'm a lawyer.

Very serious job, not like yours.

(PEOPLE LAUGH POLITELY)

KENNY: Oh, I'm very proud of my girl.

She has worked hard.

This little Dolly, she's dynamite.

The kid always had the spirit in her.

KENNY: Nice one, Gramps. He's a wise guy.

Well, blessings don't come without difficulties.

Amen.

KENNY: I'd love to see your garden, Viv.

VIV: Darling, of course!

I had let it go, but Lionel and Zhang and I

have been working very hard in the garden.

- Mm. Let's go. Let's go! - KENNY: Let me get that.

- Come on! - Hm? OK, right now?

VIV: Oh, thank you. Aw!

- KENNY: My pleasure. - Excuse me.

VIV: Come on, love.

Yours is a mashed potato!

Ahh!

GRAMPS: Oh, it's good to see you, Red.

'Dwinks'!

(BREATHES SHAKILY)

(BETTY AND FRANCIS CHATTER INDISTINCTLY)

Whee!

Whoo!

GRAMPS: So what's the hardest case you've had?

BETTY: Ooh, yeah, I had this one absolute...

(PEOPLE CHATTER IN DISTANCE)

(GASPS TEARFULLY)

You are out of your mind!

- Franny, Franny... - What are you doing?

Dolly Parton is about being the best version of yourself,

but to never take yourself too seriously.

You're living as someone else,

with someone else

who is also living as someone else!

Yeah, so?

That's the gig!

And life is working unbelievably better this way.

And he is who he is,

which is a version of someone else,

and you're you, which is you,

which I'm sure is a version of yourself

and I'm sure probably someone else!

You're lost.

If you're busy being someone else...

..who's busy being you?

(MELANCHOLY MUSIC)

(INHALES AND EXHALES HEAVILY)

What am I gonna do, Dolly?

WILSON: It's OK to be nervous. Tomorrow's show is a big deal.

RED: I don't know what's wrong with me!

(GRUNTS ANGRILY)

The more unique you are as a person,

the harder it is to be someone else.

That's why Kenny does it so well.

He was just a blank canvas before.

He was a starter kit.

Being Kenny Rogers

gave him more than he ever would've had without it.

Why did you stop being Neil Diamond

when you were so successful?

I was tired of ripping myself off...

..ripping my wife off being someone else.

The only applause I ever really needed was from her.

I realised that too late.

But who are you?

I mean, are... are you a copy, are you a copy-copy?

You're still walking around like you're Neil Diamond.

You ever read about a frog who dreamed of being a king

and then became one?

Except for the names and a few other places,

when you talk about me, the story's the same one.

(SINGS) ♪ But I got an emptiness deep inside

♪ And I've tried, but it won't let me go

♪ And I'm not a man who likes to swear

♪ But I never cared for the sound

♪ Of being alone

♪ "I am," I said... ♪

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

♪ To no-one there

♪ And no-one heard at all

♪ Not even the chair... ♪

You got this, kid.

♪ "I am," I cried

♪ "I am," said I

♪ And I am lost

♪ And I can't even say why

♪ "I am," I said

♪ "I am," I cried

♪ "I am!" ♪

(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)

It's all a bit ridiculous.

(BELL CHIMES)

You get your looks from me, though, obviously.

(LOW CHATTER)

Hello, love.

(ALL SPEAK INDISTINCTLY)

ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen, take your seats.

The show you've all been waiting for!

- (APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) - ('JOLENE' PLAYS)

♪ Jolene, Jolene, Jolene, Jolene

♪ I'm begging of you please don't take my man

KENNY: ♪ Jolene, Jolene

BOTH: ♪ Jolene, Jolene

♪ Please don't take him just because you can

RED: ♪ Your beauty is beyond compare

♪ With flaming locks of auburn hair

♪ With ivory skin and eyes of emerald green

KENNY: ♪ Your smile is like a breath of spring

♪ Your voice is soft like summer rain

♪ And I cannot compete with you, Jolene... ♪

(AUDIENCE CHEERS)

BOTH: ♪ In love forever

♪ We can ride it together, ah-ha

♪ Making love with each other, ah-ha

♪ Islands in the stream

♪ That is what we are

♪ No-one in between

♪ How can we be wrong?

♪ Sail away with me

♪ To another world

♪ And we rely on each other, ah-ha

♪ From one lover to another, ah-ha... ♪

RED: ♪ Baby, I'm burnin', baby, I'm burnin'

♪ Baby, I'm burnin', baby, I'm burnin'

♪ Baby, I'm burnin' out of control

♪ Baby, I'm burnin' body and soul

♪ Hot as a pistol of flamin' desire

♪ Baby, I'm burnin', you've got me on fire

♪ Baby, I'm burnin' out of control

♪ Baby, I'm burnin' body and soul

♪ Body and soul, body and soul... ♪

- (SINGING ECHOES AND FADES) - ♪ Body and soul... ♪

(GENTLE ETHEREAL PIANO MUSIC)

KENNY: Thank you, folks! Thank you very much!

RED: Yee-ha!

KENNY: Oh, wow! Wow!

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

I, um... (CHUCKLES)

I... I usually keep my cards pretty close to my chest.

But tonight I got something to say.

I LOVE you, baby!

(CHEERING)

I love you, I love you, I love you!

- Kenny... - Heaven and earth.

- (SIGHS) - Oh, no.

(AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS)

Marry me.

RED: Oh, Kenny...

He's just foolin' around. Come on, baby.

Marry me, baby. This is it.

This is the way it's meant to be.

What do you say, folks?

(SCATTERED CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

It's definitely not a joke.

Well, he's never really been that funny.

KENNY: I want all of you to share in this moment.

Babe, I love you.

Kenny, you're not in love with me.

I am.

Baby, I sure am.

Kenny, don't do this.

(AUDIENCE MURMURING)

I thought that this was what you wanted.

- (AS RED) I can't do this. - (MICROPHONE CLATTERS)

- (MICROPHONE WHINES) - (PEOPLE GASP)

I'm not the girl you want, Kenny.

I'm not her.

(SOMBRE MUSIC)

But that silly-billy Dolly...

..taught me all the things that you loved, that I pretended.

To have confidence in yourself.

And that bravery is vulnerability.

And to not put a value on yourself,

but value the things you love.

- (PEOPLE EXCLAIM) - Oh, what...

Baby, what are you doin'?

RED: Dolly's got some wisdom.

Dolly's got so much wisdom.

I haven't got any wisdom, but I do know

that I've got to learn to be all those things, but as me.

This is not an impulse reaction.

I'm stripteasing in a somewhat untidy fashion,

all in the name of saving myself...

..and the skin that I'm in.

Oh!

♪ It's enough to drive you crazy if you let it! ♪

Eeee!

I love you, Mum.

I love you too, darling.

(VIV WEEPS)

- (WILD APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) - She's mine!

I propose and women drop their knickers!

You go back out there. That's for you.

It's OK. I don't need it.

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE CONTINUES)

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE CONTINUES)

(GENTLE MUSIC)

Have a good night, folks.

(CHEERING FADES)

(GENTLE MUSIC CONTINUES)

VIV: Hm... Ohh!

(BOTH EXHALE)

Ohh.

(GRUNTS)

(GENTLE MUSIC SWELLS)

(FOOTSTEPS APPROACH)

(APPLAUSE)

(SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY)

Nice to see you.

Ain't you all glad that the king is back?

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

And later on today - and I'll say it again -

I want you to have a great day.

Later on today - and I'll say it again -

I want you to have a great day.

- (KNOCK AT DOOR) - WOMAN: Kenny! Showtime!

(WOMAN ON MICROPHONE) Thanks, Tom.

Now, to the most outstanding valuer of the year.

I'm excited to announce the winner is...

..Francis!

- Whoo! - (ALL CHEER AND APPLAUD)

Whoo-hoo!

MAN: Good work, Francis! Good man!

MAN 2: Go, Francis!

Um, I'm terrified at public speaking

so I hoped wearing this would give me David Bowie guts

to get up here and say thank you.

So, um...

..thank you.

(ALL CHEER)

Whoo!

RED: I wasn't gonna miss it.

Awards are kind of stupid.

I'm really sorry, Franny.

You really pushed it.

- You pushed me. - I know.

I just wanted that feeling

that everyone else looks like they're having.

You know, that they're respected and...

..you know.

What would the world do with two Dolly Partons?

Celebrate?

RED: You know I'm doing a new thing.

- Oh, yeah? - Yeah.

I think I've kind of found my audience.

- As yourself? - Yeah.

Everyone else is taken.

KYLIE MINOGUE: ♪ Come and see the real thing

♪ Come and see the real thing, come and see

♪ There's a meaning there

♪ But the meaning there doesn't really mean a thing

♪ Come and see the real thing, come and see the real... ♪

My name is Red and I'm your teacher.

♪ I am the real thing

♪ Oo-mow-ma-mow-mow, oo-mow-ma-mow-mow

♪ Oo-mow-ma-mow-mow, oo-mow-ma-mow-mow...

♪ Oo-mow-ma-mow-mow, mow-ma-mow-mow

♪ Ma-mow-mow-ma-mow, ma-mow-mow-ma-mow!

♪ Trying hard to understand

♪ But really not

♪ You're seeing me

♪ Trying hard to understand

♪ But really not, you're seeing me

♪ There's a meaning there, but the meaning there

♪ Doesn't really mean a thing

♪ Come and see the real thing

♪ Come and see the real thing, come and see

♪ I am the real, real, thing, thing

♪ Oo-mow-ma-mow-mow, oo-mow-ma-mow-mow

♪ Oo-mow-ma-mow-mow, oo-mow-ma-mow-mow...

♪ Oo-mow-ma-mow, ma-mow-mow-ma-mow

♪ Ma-mow-mow-ma-mow, ma-mow-mow-ma-mow

♪ I am not seeing you

♪ I am not seeing you

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh

♪ Ohh

♪ Trying hard to understand

♪ But really not, you're seeing me

♪ Trying hard to understand

♪ But really not, you're seeing me

♪ There's a meaning there, but the meaning there

♪ Doesn't really mean a thing

♪ Come and see the real thing

♪ Come and see the real thing

♪ Come and see

♪ I am the real, real, thing, thing

♪ Oo-mow-ma-mow-mow, oo-mow-ma-mow-mow

♪ Oo-mow-ma-mow-mow, oo-mow-ma-mow-mow...

♪ Oo-mow-ma-mow, ma-mow-mow-ma-mow

♪ Ma-mow-mow-ma-mow, ma-mow-mow-ma-mow! ♪

(GENTLE MUSIC)

(UPBEAT MUSIC)