Original subtitles

I couldn't believe she was still chugging.

I couldn't believe she was still standing.

What's funny?

You know I enjoy a mirthful shenanigan.

We just went out drinking with Nell last night,

and things got a little crazy.

Nell did the legendary "Longest Island."

It's when the bartender combined all the remains

of other peoples' drinks and Nell chugged it.

Charming.

Well, I'm just so happy to hear that you all had a fun night.

I'm sorry we didn't invite you. It was just kind of

a spur-of-the-moment, fun kind of thing.

I mean, for future reference, I, too, am fun.

I mean, I can be very fun.

You! Aren't I fun?!

So fun, boss.

No one's as fun as you.

See? He agrees.

So, is that why Nell's a little late?

Is she hungover?

Well, what's funny now?

Uh, no, Nell doesn't really get hungover.

No, she's like Wolverine, except for the only part of her

that's indestructible is her liver.

- Oh. - Ooh.

Ah. Ah. Oh, my word.

Hey.

Babe, you okay?

Uh, I got a cold. I'm more mucus than woman.

Oh, after drinking the remnants of revolting strangers.

Shocking.

Girl, just take the day off.

No, no, I gotta do that poet's obituary.

- Obituary. - Ugh.

Words for the mortuary.

Topiary, statuary.

We are but solitary.

Yeah, like, I need to finish it immediately.

Nell, as your boss, I must insist that you go away

and be disgusting in your own home.

Home!

False haven of wood and plaster.

Membrane-thin illusion of security.

- Okay. Bye, guys. - Bye.

- Bye. - Bye.

- Oh, don't. - Don't touch it!

Sorry.

Gloomy woman surrounded by artifacts of a lonely life.

Do you mind? I'm almost finished with your obituary, so...

Cold, small bed that has seldom seen a lover.

Okay, also, you know, I'm congested

and my head is pounding, so if you could be quiet--

- Quiet! - Ugh.

Five isolated letters,

but only two matter-- "U" and "I."

And send. Ah.

- Ugh! I knew it. - Huh?

- I knew it. - Knew what?

When I placed that ad for a roommate,

I said to myself "Hey, Champ"--

I call myself "Champ" in my head--

"you do know that you're extremely cautious

- about germs, right?" - Edward.

"And when you invite a stranger into your home,

she's gonna bring sickness, bacteria,

and disease like a feral raccoon."

Okay, starting to feel mean.

I can't get sick, Nell.

What-- What-- Wha-- What the hell?!

I'm gonna need you to quarantine in your room.

What? No, that is insane.

Okay? W-What if I want some toast?

Then take the bread.

Ed-- Hey! Wait, wait, wait wait!

What if I have to pee? Or the other thing?

- Hold it. - What?! Edward!

You need to stay in your room

until you've tested negative for all of everything.

Aah! Agh!

Oh, no.

Champ.

Bologna and Skittles again?

They're not even Skittles. They're Skattles.

I'm saving money for the adoption,

and it is no joke.

When's the last time you asked for a raise?

Two years.

I'm trying to muster up the courage to ask Lexi,

but every time I do, I break into this weird English accent.

Here you are.

'Ello, love.

Huh.

I'm not sure about this restaurant.

The floors are very dingy

and the overhead lighting is terrible.

You know that this isn't a restaurant, right?

Goof!

I was making a joke,

because I'm fun! How 'bout it?

Speaking of fun, why don't we blow this nerd stand

and go to my private club for lunch?

Lexi, we know you're fun.

You don't have to prove anything to us.

Well, I think it's bloody brilliant.

Excellent. Sam?

I would love to. I just have so much work to do,

so I'm just gonna stay here and eat my sandwich.

My Boar's Head!

Listen, you're lucky to be friends with the boss

because the boss decides how much you do and don't work.

So, come on. Please join me.

I'll make sure the chef prepares something

very special for you.

Well, I am starving, and I did make a promise to myself

that I wouldn't retrieve food out of the garbage,

so I guess we are going to the club.

Wonderful. And don't worry about the dress code.

I'll just tell them that you're visiting from Boise.

Ugh.

You did this to me.

Did what?

I'm with disease!

Did you ever consider that maybe you got me sick?

Yeah, I thought about it.

But then I realized I woke up this morning feeling fine,

and now I feel like poo.

Please, Edward, I just wanna be left alone.

- I'll leave you alone. - Thank you.

- But first, I want... - Ugh!

...chicken noodle soup, tea with honey,

and your heated blanket.

I'm sick.

Can you maybe call somebody else to baby you?

I don't have a girlfriend anymore.

And I'm an independent contractor,

so I don't have any coworkers.

And I'm particular about my social circle, Nell.

Fine, fine! You man-baby.

Wow. Well, that was the best 16-course meal

that I've ever had.

I mean, three servings of fowl is...

a lot of fowl.

Oh, do wanna see something fun?

That table right there is where Father and his friends

always choose the next president.

Very cool. So I guess we're done, right?

I mean, unless Dennis has something on the agenda.

My schedule is wide open.

Okay. All right.

Well, then I guess we should be heading out.

Wait! The day is young.

There's still so much time for mirth and tomfoolery.

Lexi, we have been here for a very, very long time.

I mean, don't you want to go home

and continue this with Tanner?

Oh, I can see Tanner anytime. Ah!

Why don't we go to that bar that you went to with Nell?

We can get one of those backwash cocktails

that she was so fond of. Huh?

Yeah, I think we're just gonna call an Uber.

There. I set the temperature,

your lime Jell-O is on the nightstand,

and I tucked you in like a burrito,

exactly how you wanted.

It's like the duvet cover is a friendly python.

Cool. May I go to my bed now to be alone

and heal my body in silence?

- You may. - Thank you.

Nell!

Yes, Edward?

Could you please keep the door open just, like, a smidge?

A little more.

Maybe a little more.

That's too much. Can we start over, please?

Ugh!

Ugh.

Oh, no. Oh, no.

No, no-no-no-no, no!

Mm. Sounds sweet to my ears, Bill.

Thanks, Susie.

Hey, did you hear the one about the two dead musicians?

They were decomposing.

Bill, you are such a character.

Guilty as charged.

my life.

Nelly-Nell, how you feeling?

You sent me an assignment?

Because you can't put a price on how hard I work.

Or can you?

Susie and Bill Irving.

They were married high school music teachers.

40 wonderful years

enriching the lives of children in Pasadena.

Sadly, they were crushed moving a grand piano...

...up a flight of stairs.

Always go with the professional movers.

Lesson learned.

But you sent this to me now, when I'm sick?

Just rest up and work on it when you're feeling better.

♪ Sing legato, fa-la-la-la-la ♪

♪ Sing stac-ca-to, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha ♪

That's not how this works, Dennis.

All right, talk to you later. Bye.

You don't look so good.

We've seen a lot of kids get sick during our teaching years,

and if there's one thing we know, it's that

- the best medicine is-- - Not music.

Music! - Oh, God.

♪ This hit, that ice cold ♪

♪ Michelle Pfeiffer, that white gold ♪

Stop, stop, stop.

I-I just need to finish this obituary so I can get some rest.

How about you two tell me about yourselves, yeah?

Why don't-- How did you two meet?

This is a great story.

Well, we met at the Oberlin Conservatory of Music.

Humblebrag.

And I fell for this man the moment I saw

that little braid on the nape of his neck.

When she cleaned her trombone spit valve,

my heart was a goner.

You know, our dream was to join the symphony

and travel the world.

In fact, we auditioned for the London Symphony Orchestra,

but it just wasn't in the cards.

But it doesn't matter, 'cause we spent decades

teaching kids songs like this.

Two, three, four.

-♪ Girls, hit your hallelujah ♪ - Hoo!

-♪ Girls ♪ - I got it. I got it. I gotta...

Uh, I just need to concentrate so that I-I can write this.

- Is that okay? - Absolutely.

- Understood. - Thank--

-♪ Girls, hit your hallelujah ♪ - Hoo.

Ah! Our driver should be arriving now.

Are you Lexi?

License plate 499PCE.

This is our ride.

Is that Tina driving a party bus?

It's my side hustle.

My boss doesn't pay me very much.

I requested a silent ride.

How do I know where to go?

Duh-duh. It's in the app.

- Whatever. - Lexi, what is happening?

Fun is happening.

Oh, Sam.

It's so rare we get to shirk our responsibilities

and spend time together.

And you're here, too.

Climb aboard the fun bus!

This is weird.

I mean, I know Lexi's always felt sensitive

about her friendship with Nell,

but she's never acted out vehicularly.

But this is the nudge that I need.

Just get a couple of drinks in me,

and then I'll ask Lexi for that raise.

Why do you always have to make it about you?

- Because it is about me! - Fine.

No, no, no!

Okay, I just e-mailed Emma Cornish.

I think it'll be really nice to have a quote from someone

who knew you both from Oberlin.

Emma Cornish. Well, that's silly.

We just told you everything about ourselves.

Oh. Can you ju-- H-Hold on.

It's my boss.

Hey, Lexi.

Nell, wonderful. How are you feeling?

Oh, it just...

I actually feel like my throat is starting to close up--

Great, great, great, great.

Yeah, I'm with Sam and Dennis, and we are par-ty-ing.

But we, um-- we don't want the fun to stop,

so what's something fun that you've all done together?

I, uh... Oh, when we were in our 20s,

we-- we went to, um,

a last-minute road trip to Vegas and we, like,

blasted a bunch of music on the way--

Get well soon. Bye.

Ugh. God.

Hi.

Could you maybe not talk to Emma Cornish about us?

Why not?

Because Emma was part of something in my past

I'd like to remain in my past.

It's important that Susie doesn't find out.

No. Ew.

- Shh. - Seriously?

Ugh! You couldn't keep your oboe in your pants?

Nell! - Ugh.

I have to go and take care of another gross man.

Blech.

Yes?

Could you please put a little bit of vapor rub on my chest?

Do it the way my mom used to.

Oh, sure, yeah.

Here, let me start with your nipples.

No.

Well, can I at least get some aspirin?

And if you could find the time, a little less attitude?

Ah!

Sam, hi. Babe, hi.

Wait, why do you sound like you're inside a slot machine?

I don't know how to accurately describe where I am right now.

Having fun?

So much fun.

♪ No, no, I'mma keep it poppin' ♪

♪ For the people that are with me ♪

There's something I've been meaning to ask you.

Yes, Dennis.

I'd like a few more quid for me yearly.

Squid? I mean, did you tell Lexi

to take us to Vegas? 'Cause--

What?

I can't hear you.

I said, did-- wha-- what are you doing?

Well, there's just so much to see on the way to Vegas,

and I don't want you to miss a minute of it.

Okay, well, instead of this, why don't we go

on a couple's trip with our husbands, okay?

But on a weekend, not a Tuesday.

There's the world's tallest thermometer,

did you know that, huh?

There's also this little Mexican hideaway

I've been hearing so much about called Del Taco.

Karaoke! Let's sing "Total Eclipse of the Heart."

Lexi, you have to turn this bus around.

Oh, we're having fun. We can't turn around.

♪ Turn around ♪

Who chose this song?

Please stop trying to compete with Nell, okay?

We have a different dynamic with our friendship,

and that is fine.

Come on, you take over. You know the words.

Just stop! Lexi, stop, okay?

Because I don't want to sing karaoke.

I don't want tacos. I don't want to go to Vegas.

- Well, Sam, I just wanted to-- - I know.

You just want us to have a good time, okay,

but this is not how you do it.

You do not kidnap your friends and hold them hostage

to prove that you are a good time.

Tina, please take us home.

Can I ask who's handling the gratuity?

♪ My mama made me mash my M&M's ♪

♪ I cried ♪

Hey, so, uh,

I heard from your friend Emma, and it was great.

I mean, she said that you both were great musicians

and she even offered you a spot

on the London Symphony Orchestra so...

why didn't you just tell me that earlier, Bill?

Wait a second. Emma offered us chairs in the LSO?

And you kept it to yourself?

We could've been living in London and playing

in one of the finest orchestras in the world?

Oh, damn.

I don't remember, but I guess it doesn't matter

'cause we're dead.

- Right? Pfft. - 'Cause we're dead?

- Oh, Susie Q... - You know, I always knew

those lips were talented at woodwind embouchure,

but I never thought they would be so gifted at telling lies!

- Okay, you want the truth? - Why start now?

They didn't want us. They just wanted me.

They didn't think you were good enough.

- That's the truth. - Ooh.

You know what, Bill?

You just crushed me more than our piano.

See, I told you not to go snooping around.

This is all your fault.

Me?! Nell!

Ugh!

You said you were gonna get me some aspirin.

I suppose you don't actually like Nutella, huh?

Oh, here we go. Ugh.

- I just wanna get some sleep. - I can't breathe out of my nose.

Oy. You know where they eat

a lot of Nutella? London.

It's widely available in the U.S.

Ay!

Ugh! You did this to me. You need to fix it.

No, I don't!

I don't have to fix anything for anyone!

And it's not my fault you're so particular

about your social circle

that you have nobody else in your life to help you!

Sorry, I thought it might lighten the mood.

Oboes don't lighten the mood.

Ugh. Ah, ah...

Nell, would you please tell Susie

I only wanted to spare her feelings?

Nell, would you please tell Bill that a solid marriage

is not built on a foundation of lies?

- Mm. - And also that he's a butt.

You looking for something specific?

Other than a time machine to go back

and have you not ruin my pristine immune system.

I'm just looking for some soup.

Right-hand side. Right where your eyes hit.

Behind the mixed vegetables.

Right in front of your eyes.

You're touching it.

Yep, you got it.

Edward, I'm sorry if I--

Since apparently I don't have anybody in my life

who actually cares about me,

I think I'm just gonna go eat this in my room alone.

Eh, uh...

Oh.

I really think that you need to heat that up.

Thanks for coming. 10% off for returning customers.

Thank you, Tina.

I will tip you tomorrow in Skattles.

Ooh.

Sam, please don't be angry at me.

I am not angry. It's just...

I already have a Nell.

Okay, you can just be Lexi.

It's not that.

Then what is it?

It's nothing.

Lexi. - Hi, Nell.

I've come to check on you.

Where's the rest of your house?

This is it.

Yes, but why don't you knock down a wall?

People live on the other side of it.

Oh, God.

You know, I'm probably really contagious.

Oh, it's fine. I never allow myself to get sick.

Um, but while I'm here, I just wanted to ask you something.

Um, how are you so comfortable

with leading such a garbage life?

Okay. You can just-- You can go ahead and leave.

- I mean it as a compliment. - Mm.

You're so open and vulnerable,

despite having nothing to be proud of.

Seriously, just get help.

No, I'm sorry. I'm not wording this well.

Oh, or take a seat, yep.

Do you know why I made Dennis and Sam hang out with me today?

It's because Tanner and I are separating.

And tonight is the first night that Kendall will be staying

over at her father's new condo, so I, um...

I just didn't really want to go home to an empty house.

Yeah, that sucks.

Sorry, Lexi.

You're the first person I've told.

Why?

D-Didn't you just spend all day with Sam?

I just don't like showing weakness.

But you-- you're just always acting as your genuine self.

I mean, even when you smell like...

What is that, hot sauce?

I spilled some earlier.

See? Just like that. That's fairly gross.

You just put it right out there.

I mean, how do you do that?

Do what?

Do-- Be honest?

You just...

You just do it.

And then people judge you.

Or-- No.

Or they're there for you.

I mean, I've shown a lot of garbage parts to Sam,

and she's...

Oh, she's always there for me.

You should try it.

I mean, you should tell her what's going on.

All right. I'll try that.

Okay.

- Thank you, Nell. - Yep.

Wait, Lexi, you know, also, like, if--

if you don't want to be alone tonight,

you can always stay on this couch.

Oh, Nell.

This bitch.

She's right.

I should've been honest with you.

Bill.

I'm not hurt because I wasn't offered a job with the symphony.

I'm sad that you didn't tell me about it.

I can't imagine how much you've resented me

for keeping you from your dreams.

Oh, hon.

I got to work next to the woman I loved for 40 years.

That was my dream.

Oh, Bill.

Oh, Susie Q.

Oh, I sort of feel like I'm in the way,

so yeah.

Oh.

Get it.

All right, Bill and Susie.

This is weird.

Hmm?

Hey, Champ.

Hmm.

I'm sorry for what I said earlier.

It was, uh, really rude and I didn't mean it.

Ew.

Even though I sometimes wanna murder you,

I like that you feel like you can rely on me.

Thanks.

I don't really trust people,

and the fact that I want to lean on you,

it feels like a really big deal to me.

Hm.

And I know today I was kind of...

A snot-filled jerkface.

- No. - Kind of.

That's not really what it was.

- Little bit. - I was immature.

I know it's not your job to take care of me,

even though, technically,

you're responsible for me being sick.

Anyway, since we're both suffering from the same cold--

- I think it's rickets. - It's not rickets.

Okay.

Maybe we can take care of each other from now on.

Ugh.

"Susie and Bill Irving

were more than great music teachers.

They were the model of a loving couple.

The Irvings may not have achieved musical stardom,

but they ended up with something far greater--

a relationship built on trust, vulnerability,

and learning to be honest with each other.

Susie and Bill had something to teach all of us,

not just how to play Tchaikovsky's Fifth Symphony

on the recorder,

but how to support and love each other."

- Bless you. - Bless you.

"That's the kind of beautiful duet we all should strive for."

I have taken on more responsibility,

I am managing more people, and my hits are up.

So I-I just feel like I--

That's an awfully wet cough you have there.

You know what? I can come back

if you need me to. It's-- It's totally fine.

No, no, it's the perfect time.

I've never felt more physically fit or mentally present.

So what-- what is it that you need, Deborah?

Um...

I need a raise.

And a flu shot.

Yes, yes. Whatever you need.

I'll call accounting right now.

Oh, uh, great.

Well, uh, thank you so much.

I'm just gonna go.

Ahoy, Skipper.

Yes, tell President Truman

that every Smurf needs a sandwich.

Captioned by VITAC--