Original subtitles

_

Are you... sure this is okay?

Should we be doing this?

It's just Dave.

Yeah. Okay.

Do it.

You can go under the bra.

Elz, I felt them up

at the exact same time.

Oh, my God,

the breast meat is the best kind of meat.

It's amazing. It's so soft.

It's just... it's awesome.

- You felt them both up? - And then Kayla said...

Now we want to feel you up.

There's no way you let them touch your dick.

Actually, uh, uh...

I have AIDS.

Wait. What?!

David, hang up the phone and come to our room right now.

- Mom? - I've been listening the whole time!

Right now!

They were doing what?

He was in a threesome with Kayla Waters and Mallory Parker.

A-A threesome? You're having sex?!

Well, he felt them up.

They're sitting around playing grab-ass every day.

W-Wait a minute. What does that mean?

He-he felt their breasts?

Did they touch your penis?

This friend group is way too fast for you, David.

What does it even matter?!

My dick is too messed up to show a girl anyways!

What do you even mean by that, David?

You...

Like... from the surgeries?

Yes!

Oh. I didn't know

this was still an issue for you, honey.

I mean, beyond cosmetically,

is there a functionality problem,

- or is it... - Functionality is not the issue, Don.

It's the scarring, the mislocated pee hole,

the second pee hole.

Well, the second pee hole,

there's an easy fix to that, as I recall.

There's another procedure.

I'm not wearing a diaper for a year!

He doesn't want to wear a diaper! He's fine

just plugging up the second hole with his finger when he pees.

- We already decided that, Don. - Okay.

How can I ever use it with a girl? It's scarred.

It leaks. It's small. It's...

Well, size doesn't matter, sweetheart.

That's a myth. Your father has a small penis.

It's average.

It is.

In America.

I disagree. No.

No, I-I told you, I loved A Star Is Born.

I think it's a fantastic film.

Oh, you look so hard.

Yeah.

All right, man, I'm going to the studio.

- Have a very productive day. - I love you.

I love you.

♪ I ate her ass ♪

♪ She came, I gasped... ♪

Another.

Run it back, yep.

♪ I ate her ass ♪

♪ She came... ♪

No?

- It's been too long. - How you been?

- Look at you, you sweet baby face. - Well, I try.

I can't hear you.

- Oh. Press the button. - Oh.

Hi! Surprise.

Hello. What a... Yeah, what a surprise.

Is that a buffalo chicken cheesesteak from Frank's?

- Yes. Good eye. - Good idea, my cherub.

You're an angel sent from...

the Euphrates.

That's in Iraq, but thank you.

- There's nothing wrong with Iraq. - I'm gonna set it over here.

How's your day going? Good?

So good. Ooh, you sound... really cool.

Do I? Uh. Uh.

Uh-ooh! Yeah.

Let's not act like it's you doing it yourself, though.

There's, like, mad plug-ins right now,

so he sounds like an actual rapper.

Every rapper has delay and reverb; it's very standard.

Ooh, I like it.

Well, I couldn't be more appreciative

of that sandwich. I love you.

We have to finish this song.

- Okay. - Can I FaceTime you in a little bit

- when I get out of here and we can... - Okay.

Wait, wait, wait. What's the actual rush?

Dave's making magic. I'm here.

Uh, duh.

Okay.

I'd like to see the magic happen.

If that's...

It's not that magical. All I'm doing is breathing.

It's not necessarily the most entertaining moment

- to see me in the studio. - I...

live for breathing; I love it.

Great, run it back. Let's do another... breath, please.

♪ It is weird yet lit ♪

♪ What a chain of events ♪

♪ I've been fucking ♪

♪ I ate her ass ♪

♪ She came, I gasped ♪

♪ I went... ♪

That was actually a fairly good one.

And make the delay like, "Ass, ass, ass, ass".

Like, fully wet "ass".

And stack them and...

- What do you call it? Uh... - Moses.

Moses that fuckin' shit.

♪ I ate her ass, she came, I gasped... ♪

♪ I went again, won't make my bed ♪

♪ My mom got pissed, she said, "Don't rap". ♪

- Okay. - You like that?

Uh... Mm. I like the spirit of it.

In practice... You know, I do just...

I had, like, so many well-organized things there.

Uh, can I just, like...

'Cause I won't be able to get past the...

- Okay. I'll meet you on the bed. - Let me just...

straighten up, tidy up a little bit.

Just a few choice items. That'd be over here.

Turn the light down, like that.

Okay.

I'm just gonna angle this lamp like that.

- I know, I'm just in the unbuttoning process. - Mm-hmm.

And we are... getting real close to blastoff.

Skinny jeans these days, you know?

I'm very thirsty.

And I just want to nip this in the bud before...

we get too far down the rabbit hole.

Ah...

That was important.

- Mm-hmm. You good? - Where were we?

- I-I can't. - No, no, no. No, no.

- I can't. - I'm so close, I'm so close, I'm so close.

I can't hold my weight up. I can't. I'm... taxed.

Okay, get up, get up. I'll turn around.

Oh, you... Oh.

- Backwards. - Yeah.

- Eat my ass. - Huh?

Ooh.

Did you say something at the end?

No, I-I... You said something.

No. It was nothing.

Did you ask me to eat your ass?

Yeah.

- Yeah. - That's what you said?

Yeah.

Were you, were you joking?

No.

- You were being serious? - Yeah, I wasn't joking.

You were inside of me. I wasn't making a joke.

You want me to eat your ass?

I did, yeah. Yes.

Al, I would never eat your ass in a million years.

I'm just being really open about that. Like, that's...

- Wow. - And when I say "your",

I do not mean, like, your, like, asshole is worse

than, like, the typical asshole.

I would never eat Rachel McAdams's asshole.

- I would never eat... Beyoncé's asshole. - Okay.

I would eat your ass if you asked.

I would never put you through that. Are you kidding?

My asshole is one of the most disgusting places on Earth.

There's always debris and, like, cake down there.

- You don't want to eat that. - Cake?

Yeah. You don't want to find out what that means.

Okay, well, I only said it because of your song.

And you were rapping about it, and I thought you might like it

and I might like it, and it'd be fun

- to do together. - I totally understand

what's happening now... you heard it in the song.

Yeah.

Rap is a very sexually charged genre.

Just 'cause you hear me say something in a song

does not mean that's what I want to do.

I'm just kind of, like, giving the people what they want.

Okay, well, what do you want? What do you want to do?

- About what? - Sexually.

- Enlighten me. - Uh, you don't... you know,

I think you... I don't think that, you know,

I don't think there's much you don't know.

Like, missionary. I like when you flip around.

No. I mean, okay, what do you jerk off to?

Like, regular porn, honestly. Like porn.

- What kind of porn? What do you watch? - Uh, HD.

- Dave. - I'm serious. Like, high...

- I'm serious, too. - High... You'd be shocked

at how many things are, like, below 720, and you get in there

- and you're handcuffed. - Okay, but, like,

what's the weird thing that you watch?

- Everybody has, like, a weird thing. - Uh, I don't know.

- I don't have a weird thing. Like, I... - Yes, you do.

- Come on. Tell me. Tell me. - Milking porn.

- Oh, yeah, I'm gonna get under you now. - Okay, I get it.

So there's a big board with a hole in it,

and the penis goes in the hole.

Yeah.

And then, I would go under it,

and that's the milking,

is the jerking off. Or would you want...

- Do you want me to blow you? - No, no, no.

- I could blow... Like... - No, no...

I don't want you to do any of this to me. That's...

You asked me the weirdest thing I've ever jerked off to; like,

this is what popped into my head.

This is not me saying, "Let's go do this".

Okay. I'm not, like,

- judging you or... - Yeah. What?

- What? - No, I know. Good.

- Is that... Are we good? - Y-Yeah. Yeah.

You're... Uh, yeah.

- Okay. - Milking.

Milking. Let's go to bed.

- Okay. - Good night.

Good night.

I love you.

I love you as well.

Oh. I keep logging out of my Apple I.D.,

and now I'm not gonna be able to stream this Phish show.

- This is so annoying. - What's Phish, bro?

- It's a band. - Oh, that's why Dave's all in a fucking trance.

'Cause he can't stream his Phish.

No, I'm in a trance because you ruined my life

and you let Ally stay on the session.

She heard the rap I had about eating ass,

and now she wants me to eat her ass

and do all these crazy sexual things.

- You hear this? - Yeah. You've ruined my life.

Thank you for allowing that.

Hold on, bro. You be eating ass?

- No. - We are just clearing a table,

but we can seat you if you'll come this way.

Oh, amazing. Thank you so much.

Bro, you're upset with me because she wants

to have cooler sex with you? I don't understand that.

Yeah, exactly.

I don't want to have cooler sex.

I like my sex the way it is where it's plain

and there's zero expectations.

I don't want to have to feel like, "Oh, this girl needs

- her appetite whet", uh, you know? - Very smart.

That's how love lasts. Boring sex. Smart.

Uh, it's 'cause you're uncomfortable about your...

Yeah, yeah. Duh.

Hold on. Ain't no room for no inside info at this table.

What's going on? Catch me up to speed.

You can't tell anybody. They're, like, the only two people

- that know this. - Don't tell anybody.

- I'm not, man. - I'm serious. I'm...

- He's being dead serious. - I'm-I'm locked in.

All right, so I have birth defects on my penis,

- and, like, I had to have surgery on it. - Ah, I'm cool, bro.

I ain't trying to hear all that, bro; we about to eat.

- Oh, okay. Well... - Yeah, it's really gross.

- It's disgusting. - It's-it's as gross as you think it is.

- Ally doesn't even know about it. - So your girl

- has never seen your dick? - Correct.

- That's crazy. - Yeah. I control the lighting.

- Next subject. Let's keep it rolling. - What does she want

me to do? Start talking dirty or something? Like...

Yeah. That's what people do. They talk dirty during sex.

- Out of nowhere? - Yes.

That's what everybody does.

You're supposed to nibble on her ear like Mike Tyson.

All that type of stuff, bro.

- You supposed to do all of that. - I can't.

It's so out of character. I can't all of a sudden just be,

like, a different person. Like, that's crazy.

- What do you say, Gata? - I say things like,

"Baby, your beauty is inspiring.

You're the best thing I've seen all day.

You're a fine display of greatness at its greatest".

Can I have your phone number, or no?

Uh, I don't have a phone.

Um, I'll be back to take your order in a moment. Okay?

I'm impressed by the way you talk to girls.

You have no fear, even in today's climate,

- of being yourself. - What?

He's talking about the #MeToo movement.

- Oh. I'm with all of that. - Yeah. Sexual harassment.

- But shit, I got to be me, too. - Yeah.

All right. Can we get back to the issue here?

What am I supposed to say when I fuck my girlfriend?

- Okay. Yeah. Go-go ahead, Elz. - Am I first?

Spit in her mouth.

- Oh, my God. - I say, "Open your mouth",

- and I go... - Yeah.

- Yeah. - She's gonna think I have...

like, I'm having, like, a brain aneurysm.

- You got to try these things. - All of this shit

is so ridiculous. I'm not gonna be like,

"Oh, you need this".

- Who the fuck says things like that? - No. What the fuck are you

- talking about? - What is this, '70s porno?

- Yeah. - Okay, great. What do you say, hotshot?

Why are you being so weird about this? Why don't you

just, like, watch porn with her? Everybody does that

- with their girlfriend. - Yeah, why don't I say,

"Hey, Al. Let me load up a video of a guy

with an 11 and a half-inch cock made of meat".

- Yeah. - "You can compare it

- to my shredded wheat dick..." - Hold up.

Hold up, man. Where the fuck is my grill at, man?

I just had it right here in a black napkin, man.

What the fuck?

- What? - Where the hell is my grill?

- Y'all not paying attention? - Not to your grill.

I don't give a fuck about your grill.

He was cleaning up the table.

- Okay, well... - It's gone, though.

Is this, like, a million-dollar grill?

- What's the... ? - Dude, I paid $300 for it, bro.

All right. Think of it as, like, one night of Hanukkah.

It's not a huge deal. Oh, and then there you go.

Just like that. Problem solved.

- Doctor Zhivago. - My nigga, dude.

My nigga.

- The busboy had it. - Thank you, bro.

I wouldn't expect y'all to relate to it.

- I'm from the trenches, bro. - What do you mean?

Don't loop me in with these fucking guys.

I'm from the West Side of Chicago.

Yeah, don't loop me in with this guy, either.

Look at me. We the same.

This nigga, you know what I'm saying?

Everybody keeps saying, "Ooh, you're the rich black kid".

No, I'm not the rich black kid. My parents have money.

But when I left...

- That has nothing to do with me. - That's the same shit.

I can do something for you, too, man.

I can fix that streaming issue you having to watch Phish.

- Can you seriously do that? - Dude,

I'm like a black Neil deGrasse Tyson.

- He is black. - I know.

- Hey. - Oh.

How do I fuck my girlfriend?

It was just, like, such a shock

to hear him talk so explicitly in his music.

Like, real Dave...

- Oh, throw that away. - Yeah.

Real Dave would never talk like that. Like, it was

so manly and, like, aggressive and hot.

- And, like... - That's good.

- Right? Yeah. And I was like, fuck it. - Yeah.

I'll just fucking ask.

And then now it's the most uncomfortable dyna...

It's insane how uncomfortable it is now.

I love getting my ass eaten.

My last boyfriend liked that more than fucking me.

Just lived down there.

That sounds so tight.

And it sucks because it has been great.

Like, I really have figured out

how to make myself come really consistently,

which never happened with Rob.

I fucking hated Rob.

Wait. What do you mean, make yourself come?

Dave doesn't make you come?

No, Dave...

It's-it's Dave's penis inside of me.

Well, what is the sex like? Do y'all fuck in silence?

No. There's passion and...

moaning.

- He moans. - Moans?

So, y-you just lay there,

and he's silently humping you and moaning?

Do you make eye contact?

No.

I close my eyes to-to focus.

- To escape reality? - No!

I'm not... I'm saying I am, like...

you know, focusing on picturing Dave.

Just, like, a different version of Dave.

You're a teacher, Al.

You were made for this moment, you know?

You just got to, like... unlock him.

You know what I mean? Just unlock him.

Yeah, we used to have a Regal.

And my dad likes the sauce, so he got drunk

and smashed it against the tree. Then we had a Cutlass.

That was my favorite family car.

- Damn, y'all had the Cutty? For real? - Mm-hmm.

- Them motherfuckers is hard, bro. - Yeah, they're...

What's up, bitch-ass nigga?

- What's up with you, bro? - Do you see what time it is, nigga?

Fuck all that talking.

- What's happening, nigga? - Step up, then.

I'm right here. You're doing all that woofing, bro.

- All that barking and shit. - Step up then, nigga.

- Nigga, what's up, bro? - Bitch ass.

Hey! I'm calling the cops.

For what?

- Man, you lucky he gonna call the police. - For what?

- Take it outside! - Nigga, he ain't about to do nothing.

He just talking, man. You know where I'll be at, bro.

- Pop out, my nigga. - I'm-a see both y'all.

You and Ed Sheeran's bitch ass.

- I'm-a take one of these. - Hey, you got to pay for that.

- Put it on that bitch-ass nigga's tab. - Oh, for real?

Oh, yeah, put it on my tab

'cause you ain't got no money, though.

Damn, they got Orange Vanilla Coke

in this motherfucker? That's crazy.

This is crazy.

Where do you think they import this from?

This shit look just like your fucking hair, bro.

That's crazy.

Hey, don't worry about that, bro.

How much you want for this, papi?

Aw, man. All we got is Stella, Gata. You good with that?

Yeah, I'm good. But is it rosé, though?

No, it's... it's beer.

Oh, that's cool, bro. I was just expecting the finer things.

Hey, what was up with that guy from the convenience store?

Oh, you worried about that old poo-butt-ass nigga, bro?

Yeah, well, what-whatever, man.

I-I got shook, I'm not gonna lie.

You-you handled it so well, man. I'm-I'm trying to be like that.

You know, more Zen. You were so calm.

Can you, like, see what's up with the remote, though?

'Cause I'm trying to watch this shit

- you over here all excited about. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah.

Oh, shit, Gata!

What the fuck? You're the man.

How did you do that?

I used to work for Geek Squad.

That's Phish. Let's have some Phish, baby.

- Yeah. You like this? Is this good? - Hell yeah.

You get high, right?

Come on, man.

Pass that bud, please.

The bud is right here.

This is the vampire bud.

Have you biting people.

Smell that.

- Oh, this is some bomb bomb. - Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

But when they gonna stop warming up, though?

Oh, no. This is the whole show.

This is what they do the whole time, man.

Feel that. Feel that.

Feel that, dude.

Please.

What?

- I said please. - Okay.

- You like that? - Yeah.

Yeah. What do you, what do you like specifically?

Uh, uh...

Your feminine energy.

Yeah.

Do you like how that feels?

Yeah. It feels...

just ideal.

You're so hard.

- I'm as hard as I can be. I'm fully... - Mm-hmm.

- I'm boned. - Uh-huh.

I'm fully hard.

Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah.

Your pussy is premium.

Prime-time.

What do you want?

Uh, what do I want?

Yeah. What do you want, Dave? Tell me what you want.

- I want every fucking nook. - Okay.

- I want the whole kit and caboodle... - Uh-huh. It's yours.

- Give me the full pussy. - Uh-huh.

- Give me your full pussy right now. - It's yours.

- Give me the puss. - Where do you want to come?

Uh... There. Within you.

I mean, you can feel how soaked I am, right?

- Uh-huh. - With gush.

Oh, my God.

- Are you gonna cream? - Mm-hmm.

- You're gonna come? - Mm-hmm.

Cream.

- Come. - Okay.

- Precum. Please come. - You want me to come?

- Give me everything. Give me everything. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay.

- Come. Come. Yeah, come. - Okay, baby. Okay.

- Come. Do it. Come. Come. - Okay, I'm coming. I'm coming.

I'm coming.

Oh, my God.

That was...

great.

Amen, brother.

Did you come?

Yeah.

Dave?

Occupied!

- I got to pee. - Uh...

Okay, well, I'm pooping! Can I have a second?

I can hear you walking around.

Yeah. I stand when I wipe.

- Okay. Please hurry. I got to go. - Uh...

Okay, what about... Mike's not home.

Can you... Just go in the sink.

I'm not gonna pee in the sink.

Can you be quick? I have to go.

All right, well...

Okay, just hurry up. Please, please, please,

please, please, please. Are you okay?

Yes, I'm just wiping!

- Will you hurry up? I really have to go. - I'm finishing!

- Go. Geez Louise. - Oh, my God. Thank you, thank you, thank you,

- thank you, thank you. - Uh, I don't know.

Must've tracked this in here.

Very strong pee... I can tell it was, in fact, urgent.

I know. I wasn't, like... Jesus Christ! What the fuck

is that?

Dave, what is that?

What-what is that?

It is...

called a Fuck Me Silly 3.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God, please take it out.

- Take it out? - Please take it out.

A Fuck Me Silly, Da...

Oh, my God. Why is it so heavy?

Where is the other half?

Oh, my God!

Dave, do you fuck this?

You know, you just asked me three questions.

Why is it so heavy?

I assume, uh, to simulate humanity.

- Oh, my God. - Top half?

I don't know anything about that. And...

We just had great sex. What are you...

- doing? - You say we have great sex.

To me, that sex was, like, unbearable!

- It was, like, warfare. Yeah, I was, - Unbearable?!

like, surviving and advancing.

I felt like I was just surviving.

I hate talking about how, like, wet your pussy is

- or how hard my dick is. - Okay,

so you don't like talking dirty,

- but you like fucking Jell-O with feet? - Yeah.

Maybe I like doing it 'cause it doesn't ask anything of me

and it has no expectations. I don't have to, like,

choke it or yell at it as I fuck it.

- I can just be in and out and do my business. - I didn't ask you

to do any of those things, right?

I just asked you to be open

and, like, try something new.

And I asked you,

"What's the weirdest thing you jerked off to?"

And this fucking A.I. bullshit didn't occur to you, Dave?

Well, it's not A.I.

And I don't, like, look at it and jerk off.

I don't jerk off to it. I didn't lie.

Right. You make love to it.

- That's what I should've asked. - I don't make love.

- It's platonic. It's... - Cool.

So, sex with your human girlfriend

is unbearable warfare,

and you can't even tolerate having, like,

a conversation with me about sex?

And I-I feel like I'm trying to figure out what you want,

and you're just not telling me the truth.

Like, what am I missing here, okay?

I feel like I'm taking crazy pills!

I was born with a fucked-up dick!

Dave, your penis is normal.

Uh, you've... you have never seen my dick.

Yes, I have.

I know you think you ha... Um, honestly, like,

it's my life's work to make sure you don't see it.

Like, I spend every moment plotting the lighting

and the angles. If you've seen it,

- what does my dick look like? - It looks

like a fucking dick, Dave.

Now I know you haven't seen it.

- You're leaving? - Yes.

We're talking in circles,

and you clearly don't want to talk.

I was born with a tangled urethra.

So, when I came out, they did surgery on me.

Okay? There's scarring down there.

I also have a birth defect called hypospadias

that one in 300 guys have,

where the pee hole isn't in the center of the head.

It's, like... For me, it's on the underneath part of my head.

There were also these small black dots on my dick

that looked like poppy seeds.

I got 'em removed, 'cause it was humiliating.

And one of the poppy seeds got removed too far

on the underside of my shaft, so now, when I pee,

it's out of two different holes, like a Super Soaker.

That's why I pee sitting down. If I didn't pee sitting down,

I would just piss all over my own body.

And when I'm in public and I'm at a urinal,

I clog the second hole with my finger.

There's just a lot of stuff.

Why is this the first time I'm hearing about it?

I don't know, Al. There was never a great time

to pull you aside and say, "Hey, my dick

looks like an old pile of worms".

Don't leave.

Show me.

No.

I love you. I know it'll make me feel better.

I think it'll make you feel better.

Al, first off, I'm soft as a mouse.

I'm not gonna show you this vers...

That was easy.

Yeah.

Trust me.

Okay. Cool.

That's a stand-up boner.

- I love you. - I love you.

I love it.

Great.

Good night.

Increasing cloudiness tomorrow.

Sticky and humid with a high of 96.

With the winds out of the east at 14 miles per hour,

- it's currently 75 degrees... - _

What on earth is going on?

Surprise!

It's your very own milking table.

How did you...

Just get on the table, put your dick in the hole

and I'm gonna milk the cream out of you.

This is unbelievable. Did you, like, hire, like,

- a TaskRabbit to do this? - Okay, so I've been thinking about it.

I think that you jerk off to milking table porn

because it's just the dick and the girl.

Right? So it's your biggest insecurity.

It's your biggest fear.

Which means it's your ultimate fantasy.

Oh, my God.

Yeah.

And, last night, we did what I wanted to do.

So, tonight, we could do what you want to do.

And, tomorrow, we could do what we want.

And that's intimacy, right?

- Mm. - I love you so much.

- I love you. - Not only are you gonna milk me,

I'm gonna milk you.

Mandatory strip right now. I'm eating your asshole.

- Do it right now. Take off your clothes. - Really?

- Mandatory strip. That's right. Yeah. - Oh, my God.

Get up there right now. I'm gonna milk your asshole.

I feel like, f-for me, it's not milking.

It-It's more like a gerbil and its bottle.

Whatever it is, let's do it.

- I'm ready to ride the momentum. - Okay.

Yo.

I'm just... I'm just gonna park on the street.

- Synced and corrected by Firefly - - www.addic7ed.com -