Original subtitles

Come on, Bell. We don't wanna be left out.

If this is Grossman's idea, maybe we do.

Hey, what's the name of that team? King..

King Charles Troupe from the East Coast.

Sounds more like a rock group.

You sure they play basketball?

- Hey, mama! - Hey, there, Bonnie!

Yeah, according to our self appointed coach

they're pretty good.

- I was afraid of that.

Don't you like, uh, competition?

Ah, it's just that every time we get involved

with some kind of charity game.

Basketball, softball, whatever, we get wiped out.

Yeah, not this one. This is special.

It's an exhibition game for underprivileged children.

It's going to be fun even if we do get beat.

Yeah, well, in the meantime

I'm developing a wipeout complex.

You got to be careful for the first time

you're gonna become humble.

At ease!

- Hey, wait-- - One at a time!

I don't take shorthand

and you people are confusing me.

Yeah, that's telling them, coach.

I know what he better be telling me.

This is a coed basketball team, right, Grossie?

Well, Grossie?

'As your coach'

I intend to be scrupulously fair.

Okay, now, no lineup decisions will be made

until after the practice.

You'll be informed of the time and place.

For the moment, that's all I have.

I'll play the right side, top of the key!

You know what? I think that I will go out for pro.

I beg your pardon?

It's my best position.

Oh, wait a minute. I recognize that look.

Now, what great idea is churning

in that fertile mind of yours?

If it works, exhibition or no exhibition

there'll be no wipeout on the basketball court.

Now, we'll be forever grateful.

'Yeah, well, just one thing.'

You're gonna have to get along

without me for a day or two.

Well, uh, I'll muddle through.

Wanna move the car off the road, please?

Come on, move it, would you?

And ruin a $100 radial?

'No, thanks. I'll change it right here.'

Look, which would you rather buy

a new tire or a cemetery plot?

Now, come on, move your car

or I'm gonna have it moved for you.

'Hold those up, Grossie!'

'Alright.'

Whoa, what are we going to do now

find another road?

What's wrong with this one?

Hey, man, those are cops.

The sooner they find our burnt offering

the sooner we get paid.

Right, just don't get too brave, huh?

Andrew, trust me.

Since you guys are so concerned

how about grabbing a lug wrench?

Ah, I got a basketball game tonight.

Gotta save my arm.

If you like, we'll call for some assistance.

Give some guy 15 bucks for slapping on a spare?

Forget it.

Suit yourself.

Uh, but, be careful out here, would you?

Hey, did Ponch ever tell you he just missed

making all

Yeah, the day we met. We shook hands

and five minutes later, he told me.

Took him that long, huh?

Yeah.

Come on, let's go!

Let's go! Get it going. Come on.

Go!

Hold it right there. Hold it. Hold it.

- Oh!

Whoever torched that thing had enough gasoline

to float a battleship.

At least there wasn't anybody in it.

We can be thankful for that, anyhow.

Arsonists with a conscience?

There's no such animal.

Hey, I wonder if that kid

over there saw anything.

Well, you're never going to find out

unless you go ask him, are you?

Come on, Grossie.

You see that, Frank? What have I been telling you?

You see what can happen when you buy a trailer?

You're not being fair, Muriel.

Fair-schmair.

I didn't buy this mess

that we're dragging along behind us. You did.

'You know, it's not the trailer you're sore at.'

What you're really sore about

is that for once, I'm going to get to do

what I want to do on my vacation.

I'm gonna get to go fishing.

Yeah, where there's no motels, no restaurants

no souvenir shops.

Yeah, and I'm going to get to save a fortune.

I hate you, Frank.

I really do.

I suppose one time Ponch was the best

kite flier in east LA.

To hear Ponch tell it

he wasn't second best at anything.

I hear what you're saying.

Hiya, son, you got a minute?

It was two guys in a blue van.

I was going to come over

as soon as I got my kite down.

Two sticks, some string, sports page.

That's the kind I used to make.

Wanna try it?

Fantastic.

Now, as you were saying?

Yeah, the two guys stopped over there.

They unhooked their trailer and split.

Couple of seconds later, whammo!

What more can I tell you?

'Okay, I'm gonna need'

'your name and address, alright?'

'Sure.'

Oh, no.

- You were pulling too hard!

Look maybe I can arrange for Ponch

to give you a kite-flying lesson.

Hey, I'm sorry.

I still think five bucks for a homemade kite

is kind of steep, don't you think?

Took you all day to figure that out, huh?

Hold this for me, would you?

Alright, top that.

- Okay, okay, okay. - Yeah. Come on.

Hey, you're late.

Fine coach you turned out to be.

I didn't invent paperwork. You big shots did.

That's telling him, Grossie.

Hey, before I put you guys to shame with a basketball

let me guess, that barbecued trailer

this morning was stolen, right?

How many of these brilliant deductions

has he come up with today?

Let's see, I think I lost count at noon.

One other thing, I bet the owner

and the thieves were in cahoots.

Yeah, insurance rip-off.

RVs' that people can

no longer afford to gas up

pull around, or make payments on.

Ah, at least we got a description of the van.

- Hmm. - Yeah, it cost me five bucks.

Hey, partner. I hear you had a busy day.

Yeah. I missed you. Have a nice vacation?

Busy, busy, busy.

He's up to something sneaky. I can feel it.

Ah, come on, coach. You'll love it.

Let's get with it, huh?

'Hey, Baker. Let's see you drive, here.'

Okay, we're going to warm up for five more minutes.

Now, remember, this is a try-out

so I'm going to be watching, alright?

Alright, let's go.

Hey, hey, hey.

That's your guy, Ponch.

We're in trouble.

They're good.

What do you think, Turner?

Well, they're black but not too tall.

Let's go!

The portable TV belongs to my wife.

Everything else goes with the unit.

It's hard to believe you're asking

so little for your equity.

- Write-off.

I'm a building contractor.

Oh, I get it.

What Uncle Sam doesn't know doesn't hurt him, right?

When I know you better, I'll give you the answer.

How much is it insured for?

Twenty grand.

I wouldn't advise you to carry any less.

You owe the bank how much?

'10,000 and change.'

Give me the down

take over the payments

and she's all yours.

Here.

Give me a call.

We just might do that.

Thank you for your time, Mr. Evans.

My pleasure.

Andrew.

Oh, Mr. Porwell. Got a second?

Guy's got thief written all over him.

Why are we taking off?

I would prefer that night watchman

not to get a closer look at us.

That old boozer?

What difference does that make?

Probably none, but why take a chance?

Are we kissing off the better part of 10 grand here?

I'll bet you two bits we picked up a nail

in that motel parking lot.

I don't know why I ever listen to you.

We can still be at the lake before dark.

Change the tire, and let's get going.

Change what tire? I don't have a spare.

What do you mean you don't have a spare?

It's in the truck.

On top of my white suitcase?

No, honey, look.

That tire's for the pickup truck.

I never thought I was gonna need

a spare for the trailer.

But that was a brand-new hunk of rubber.

Honestly, Frank, how you figure

to outsmart a trout is far beyond me.

It's dangerous here.

Look, would you get back in the truck?

You crazy? It's got to be 110 degrees in there.

Alright, don't get back in the truck.

Uh, uh, walk up here on the shoulder.

We don't need any more trouble than we got, huh?

What are you gonna do, make a spare tire?

No. I'll tell you what. I'll go over to that house over there.

'Call a garage or-or a filling station.'

Now, do like I told you, please!

Frank, no!

I didn't hit him. He fell.

You alright, mister? Let's have a look at you, okay.

Yeah, I'm fine, fine. I-I just stumbled.

Yeah, help me up, will you?

Incredible. He runs just in front of me.

Is that true, mister?

Yeah.

Holy mackerel.

What a mess.

You're hurt? Don't move. Just stay where you are.

No way, man. Get me out of here.

Oh, Frank, darling.

I've never been so frightened

in my whole life.

Me, too. That makes two of us.

When I heard those brakes

and saw you fall, oh, Frank!

Honey, I'm alright.

All I did was just hurt my leg a little bit.

- I'm positive.

Oh! Look on the bright side.

The truck and the trailer are complete wipeouts.

Yeah.

But everybody's up and around alright.

Well, thank the Lord, that is the best news

I've heard since we left Indiana.

- Yes, sir.

So far it has been a laugh a minute.

Muriel, don't start, I'm gonna hear about this

for the next hundred years.

Oh, you can count on it, mister.

I'll probably get sued by everybody

for a half a mile around besides.

Now, that wouldn't surprise me.

'You hear that? Do you hear that?'

All because you couldn't go fishing

without that stupid trailer.

The next time I get a flat tire

I'll just send my wife to the phone.

May I have your driver's license, please?

Oh, it's in the trailer.

Let's go!

Alright, it's clear.

Hey, bring these cars up. Let's go.

'Okay, a lot of people are sore at you'

so I suggest you contact your insurance agent

'and tell him the whole story as soon as possible.'

And you better keep him informed of your whereabouts, okay?

We will. Oh, and, guys, thanks a lot, you've been wonderful.

Do you like fish? We'll drop some off

for you on our way home.

See what I mean?

Nothing ever changes.

Have a nice vacation.

Thanks.

Let me get this straight.

For 2,000 bucks, 10% of my insurance.

You guys will burn my motor home to the ground.

Is that the proposition?

With nothing in advance.

Thank you.

When the insurance pays you, you pay us.

You mean...if it pays.

Granted, these things are always investigated.

Sooner or later however

unless they can prove you were involved

the insurance company must pay you.

That way you settle with the bank first

and you got a bundle of money left over.

'That sure beats that tax write-off'

'you were talking about, doesn't it?'

I'd be lying if I said I wasn't tempted.

But what you're proposing is a crime

and I'm not a criminal.

You say you're a contractor, Mr. Evans.

I build houses, good ones. Look around the neighborhood.

You ever cheat on your income tax

'inflate your business expenses'

your gasoline costs, your tool purchases?

Did you ever put shop grade plywood

on somebody's roof and charge them

for grade A lumber?

Ah, come on. How can you compare--

Have you ever been to court, Mr. Evans?

As a witness, perhaps.

One time, in a civil suit.

I testified for a friend of mine.

On the witness stand, did you fib a little

for this friend of yours?

What do you think?

He was suing the phone company.

Spoken like a true American.

How can you compare piddling stuff like that

with ripping off an insurance company for 20,000 bucks?

Look, you're missing the point.

If you're going to lie and cheat

might as well be honest about it and make it pay.

I don't know. I don't know.

You guys are confusing me.

Mr. Evans, so far, you have confessed

to theft, fraud

'giving perjured testimony'

and falsifying a tax return.

Have I overlooked anything?

No. That about covers it.

To my way of thinking, sir, with your record

I find it very difficult to understand

why the thought of ripping off an insurance company

is so abhorrent to you.

I'm beginning to wonder myself, you know.

Now we're getting somewhere.

Any sign of the night watchman?

No. He's probably down the street tipping a few.

You ready?

Let's go.

What, wh-what's going on up there?

S-stop! I-I'll shoot!

'15 Mary 3, LA.'

'PR reports there's smoke coming from a mobile home'

'in the RV Lot, 1-6-0-0 North Willow.'

'Be advised, the facility's main gate is locked.'

'Fire and 11-42 are en route, code three.'

LA, 7 Boy 2 away and responding.

'10-4, 6-4.'

It's locked!

There's someone in there.

Alright, step aside.

- Okay, watch your head. - Alright.

Okay, be careful.

Alright, when I get to the door

we'll bring him out that way.

Okay.

Hey, Bear!

'He's in here.'

Get his feet.

Um, I think I missed something, Mr. Evans.

Would you say that again?

I said you were supposed to

burn it not smoke it to death.

Now the CHP wants to talk to me.

Congratulations, Mr. Wizard.

Your bomb fizzled.

That's impossible.

I-I am sorry about this, Mr. Evans.

We'll stay in touch

and when things calm down

we'll try again.

And don't worry, please.

'I guarantee you will have results.'

Forget it. The deal's off. I mean it.

I don't work that way, Mr. Evans.

Well, maybe you don't. I do.

I'm through with you guys, understand?

Don't call here again.

What's wrong, Ray?

Oh, that was Porwell

from the RV storage lot.

There's been some vandalism

and he wants me to go down there.

Oh, vandalism to what?

Our motor home?

- I'm afraid so. - I'm going with you.

Why? What about the groceries?

They can wait. I'll put them away later.

Come on, let's go.

Hey, cowboy, get rid of that.

Ah, you wanna back off?

I recognize the smell from Vietnam, picric acid.

Lucky for some insurance company

that trigger was defective.

You guys run the license?

The owner's on his way.

Two RVs in two days.

Seems like half the people in town

are playing with matches.

If we could find a way to take the profit

out of arson then the insurance companies

would make us millionaires overnight.

What have they done to it?

But why? I don't understand.

I know what you mean.

Look, honey, let me do the talking.

You keep out of it, please.

Why do you say that to me--

Never mind!

For once, please, just do what I ask.

Hi.

I'm Ray Evans. What's happened?

Dispatcher tell you?

All she said was somebody tried to burn us out.

What dispatcher?

I thought you talked

to that over-the-hill watchman.

Honey. Let me handle this, please.

'What's wrong with you, Ray?'

'My name's on that pink slip, too.'

We were paying the man extra

to keep an eye on that thing.

Where is he, by the way?

I'd like to have a word with him.

Wait, did the watchman call your home?

Right. Not, uh, not ten minutes ago.

Did you talk to him?

No, but my husband did.

Didn't you, Ray?

I'm a little curious.

Do you mind if we look around inside?

I doubt, before you do that

would you mind telling us once again

when did you talk to the watchman?

Oh, about ten, 15 minutes ago.

Why? What difference does it make?

What's the big deal?

The watchman was overcome by smoke in there.

15 minutes ago, he was unconscious.

There's no way you could have

spoken with him on the telephone.

Oh, no, that couldn't be. There must be some--

Barbara, please.

Your dispatcher didn't say a word

about the watchman.

That's right. We didn't tell her.

Will somebody please tell me what's going on here?

Mr. Porwell. Is he okay?

In addition to suffering from smoke inhalation

he had an apparent coronary.

When he left here, he was in pretty bad shape.

I guess I got some explaining to do, haven't I?

'Ray?'

Ray, what is it?

What's happened? What have you done?

Something stupid, I'm afraid.

The burners are Tom Dempsey and Andy Whitman

male caucs, early 30s.

Well, according to Mr. Evans they are fairly new in town.

So I doubt weather you have anything on 'em.

That's right. Mr. Evans has agreed to cooperate.

Now, sir. I think I made that rather plain.

Alright. Thank you very much.

The DA thinks he may go wrong with this.

What happens now?

After you've booked him.

Take him over to the DA's office.

Right.

Over there you are going to

fill out a sworn statement.

If the DA goes along with our proposal.

'You'll be released on your own recognizance.'

After that, you go home and wait.

If the watchman dies..

What will my husband be charged with?

The death of a person as a result of arson

or attempted arson is, uh..

...murder in the first degree.

Let's give 'em a few minutes.

Maybe help save the guy's marriage, huh?

Yeah. You think the burners will strike again?

Ah, I'll make book on it.

- Hey, that's the come-on.

After the fact, their 10% fee goes up to more like two-thirds

of what the sucker gets out of his insurance company.

You learn something new every day.

How's your plan to stake out the RV storage lot?

Um..

You got a better idea?

Hey, Jon, Barry

I've been looking for you.

Holy smoke You guys smell like my hibachi.

Yeah, well, we feel more like smoked herring.

Hey, Grossie, tell us, did Jon and I make the team?

Affirmative.

After weighing your individual performances

during the try-outs.

Jon, you and Barry are gonna be starting forwards.

- Congratulations. - Thank you, Grossie.

Ponch will going to be alternating with

Harlan at a guard position.

Uh, wait a minute, now.

Ponch isn't going to like that.

I don't play favorites. Okay?

Now, game's tonight, 8 o'clock.

Arrive suited up and ready for action.

Officer Grossman.

Yeah, Joe?

What about me?

Ahem, Where do I play

Why, uh, anyplace you want to, sergeant.

Hey, good choice.

That from a guy who doesn't play any favorites?

Yeah, he didn't just fall off a turnip truck. Ahem.

My mama didn't raise no dumb kids.

Muriel? Hey, Muriel, let me in.

Come on, Muriel. I got something to tell you.

Hey, I bet you think that I rented this rig

just to go fishing, huh?

Shows you how much you know.

'Hey, Muriel?'

'Muriel!'

Hi, is this the way to Disneyland?

Are you traveling alone?

Yep, and that's the way I plan to keep it.

Wh

Did he buy a new trailer?

Rented one. Out of spite, of course.

So, what else is new?

Does he know you're hitchhiking?

What Mr. Higgins knows or doesn't know

is no longer a concern of mine.

'LA 15 Mary 3.'

I need a taxicab at 1932 Dyer Avenue

for an 11-48-K to, uh..

Disneyland.

'Mary 3, LA'

'Did you say an 11'

You heard me.

Listen, uh, do you know

it's against the law to ride in a trailer?

Well, I just rode to the first stop sign.

Then I got out right away.

Ah.

Would you like me to help you try

and locate your husband?

I have a checkbook. What do I need with him?

Alright, just the same..

I'll try and find him, alright?

And when I do, I'll tell him

where he can find you.

I don't think that'll be necessary.

No!

Don't you ever, do that to me again.

Not ever! Do you understand me?

I won't. I promise. Not ever.

I didn't rent that rig just to go fishing.

I got it so you could stay wherever

you like as long as you like.

I even got trailer space at Disneyland.

Do you hear what I'm saying?

It won't happen again. Never, never, never.

Honey.

When I looked in that trailer and you weren't there

I aged 20 years.

Everything's gonna be fine.

It's going to be alright.

Oh, Frank, I love you.

Oh, that's more like it.

And I forgive you.

You what?

I didn't mean that.

Kiss me, darling.

'31-20, head on the freeway northbound 101..'

You sound nervous, Mr. Evans. What's wrong?

Were the police troublesome?

No. No, not really.

You were discreet, I trust?

Of course. You think I'm crazy?

No, no, no, but I was leery about calling you.

I was afraid you might not wanna talk to me.

Listen..

I'm sorry about that last conversation.

I was uptight.

'Well, please, don't worry about it.'

'I understand, and I will be in touch soon.'

I'm going next door to call the sergeant.

Why can't you call him from here?

Because if Dempsey were to call back

find the line busy, he might become suspicious.

You sound like one of two things.

A crook or a policeman.

What is it, Ray?

'11-98.. 101 to Victoria for exchange of information.'

LA, 15, 7 Adam. 10-5 to Mary 3.

I've got a blue van in the RV storage lot

1,600 North Willow.

10-35. 7 Adam is rolling.

This time, Andrew

may we have more fire and less smoke?

When all else fails..

It's back to basics.

Oh, come on. My back, man!

Call me an ambulance!

Okay. You're an ambulance.

'Help!'

'Help me! Please help me! Help!'

Help! Get me out of here. I don't wanna burn!

Take it easy, would you? There's no fire.

- Come on.

- Yeah, I'm positive.

Got a professional torch who's afraid of fire.

Na, come on, now.

No, it was Whitman's idea. I hate fire.

All I did was drive.

You hate fire?

You'd better start getting used

to a lot of heat, you hear me?

You heard the man, mister.

Now put your hands on your head.

Where's Ponch?

I was counting on him for a starter.

Is he coming?

He took the sacred oath that he'd be here.

Hey, look.

Huh

'Who's afraid of a wipeout now, huh?'

Shades of wilt the stilt.

So that's what you've been up to, huh?

'I checked personnel files'

made the rounds all over to west LA

Santa Fe Springs, Newhall.

Do you realize we're the only station in these parts

without a seven-footer in it

Ponch, but, uh, somehow this doesn't seem completely honest.

Boys, I think we've been had.

I don't get it.

Yeah. I bet you don't.

Honest, sarge. I'm as surprised as you are.

So what? Listen to them. They love them.

Come on, let's go have some fun.

Another wipeout.

You know, I've seen those guys.

I've seen them work somewhere.

- I just placed them.

King Charles Troupe. You ever go to the circus?

Ringling Bros. Barnum & Bailey Circus?

'Right.'

So, you burned up a couple of days of leave time.

Was it worth it?

Offhand, no.

But when I think about how much

those kids enjoyed that show

I figure, what the heck?

Really, hey, Bear, it just occurred to me

that burner you picked up yesterday

his buddy could be suing him for abandonment.

Don't you think?

I know one thing.

My suspects will be sleeping on a board

for the next couple of months.

Would anybody like to hear about my day?

- No. - No, Grossie.

No. We'll pass.

Well, in that case

I guess I'll be running along.

Second throttle cable this week, hotshot.

Ah!

Hey, I got good news.

The watchman at the RV storage lot

is out of intensive care.

'I just spoke with his doctor.'

Hey, I know one RV owner and his wife

that will be glad to hear that.

Anything from the DA's office?

Yeah. Dempsey and Whitman

have cleared a half dozen arsons

and they're still talking.

Yeah, that could go on and on.

It could.

Ah, new subject, sarge

did you ever figure out who set us up

for that so called basketball game?

Why

Hey, don't get me wrong.

I enjoyed it as much as anybody.

But as the team coach

I don't appreciate being hoodwinked

and I'd like to get that message across.

Hey. No problem.

I'm sure the captain would just love

to talk to you about it.

- Mm-hmm.

Read 'em off, Grossie. Let him have it.

Yeah. Tell him we were never so embarrassed in our lives.

Well, Artie?

Well, on second thought

upon reflection the whole affair was rather amusing.

Wasn't it?