Original subtitles

Oh!

Come on.

You watch the road.

What was that?

Look, he was racing out of his class.

You belong in midgets!

There's a history of Dane's behavioral problems.

'In the past year, he's tried'

'to sail to Catalina on a raft.'

'The coastguard found him after a two-day search.'

Oh, just beach traffic, mom.

On hot days like this, the highway's always jammed.

I wonder if the judge had any idea

of the traffic situation when he

approved this custody plan.

Mom.

It's a valid point, honey.

It's dangerous driving you

back and forth with this traffic.

'The beach isn't a safe place for you.'

Riptides, body builders.

'It's CHP charity time again.'

'Keep in mind what we're looking for here.'

It's got to be timely

something that everyone would enjoy

and would pay to see.

How about a bike

Uh, now, that's a good idea.

Ponch, remember last year? Celebrities, stars, ulcers?

Stars!

With some celebrity officials and star contestants

we can't miss!

It's the CHP Charity 5K Star Race!

Rocks on the coast highway?

That's an everyday occurrence, Grossie!

- All we got is an address.

You want to check it out?

Yeah, why not?

Rocks from up there.

'Gone now, and you know where they went?'

Phwee! Right past here.

We'll check it out, sir.

Do that, will you? Thank you very much.

- Oh, uh, Mr. Berle.

There's this charity event I'm working on.

And you want me to appear on it.

- You got me, kid. I'm yours.

Hey! Watch out!

Hey! Hey!

LA 15, 7 Mary 3

'All units in Malibu..'

'We got a landslide'

'at the Pacific Coast Highway and Sunset.'

'Request paramedics.'

'LA 15 Mary 3..'

You okay?

Get away from the landslide. Get back.

Head down, head down the highway.

Let's go. Come on, folks. Down the highway! Move!

Hurry up! Get back! Get back off the highway.

- Get back! Come on!

- Get off the highway. - Take it down the highway.

Alright, here we go.

Alright, we got him.

You alright?

- Hey, somebody-- - Get back!

Somebody take him over there.

You know who this house belongs to?

- A television producer.

One of the biggest in Hollywood.

I've seen his name on the credits. He's good.

Not great, but good.

Kelly, look at this. Ha ha ha.

This note's to his housekeeper.

The guy's in Europe shooting a picture.

If we play it right, we could

stay here until the road's clear.

We're closing the highway to vehicles

along the slide area.

Malibu CHP is covering the North end.

We'll cover this end.

We'll work out a schedule

to cover crowd control and, uh, security.

'Some of the residents will be leaving the area'

'until the slide is cleared up.'

How long will it take?

Clearance? A few days.

Not sure about that boulder.

Now, we'll put you in soft uniforms

walking shoes, and light-duty gear.

Like beach control?

Yeah, and ten-speeds too.

Ten As in bicycles?

The roads will be jammed with clearance crews and equipment.

It's either that or a foot beat.

You can hack that, can't you, hmm?

I can hack it.

Highway of the stars.

My celebrity connection closed.

Sold all those tickets.

We got posters all over town.

Hey, look, see, people are either

gonna walk into the beach or bike in.

How are the legs holding up?

Yeah.

We have some security problems.

One of the evacuated homes was hit last night.

'They took sterling silver, and a lot of it.'

'And we're allowing, uh, pedestrian traffic'

'through the closed area.'

Some of the residents are forming carpools

parking at one end, walking through to the other.

You get a report on that sidecar team?

Mm-mm. They just seem to have disappeared.

How about the boulder?

They tried to loosen it with

pressurized water this morning.

'Now they're going to use a helicopter and a cable.'

'The engineer will tell you when it's all clear.'

Now, I'm going to be at the other end

coordinating with Malibu CHP.

Oh, uh, Frank..

...does this affect the charity race at all?

No.

Good.

Hey, looking good, sarge.

Sterling silver and a lot of it.

Kelly!

Oh, why not join us?

Listen to me.

This isn't a halfway house for beach bunnies.

The idea is to lay low.

That would look suspicious.

Tub parties are de rigueur.

Oh, uh, the burglar-alarm people

were here while you were asleep.

I told them we were producers leasing the house.

They believed me.

Sure, the problem is that you're

starting to believe it!

- You're shouting. - I'm not shouting!

You just picked a bad time for an identity crisis!

Your space is really cluttered.

Slip on a suit. Join us in the tub.

- Alright, here's our-- - My bureau, top drawer!

It's about time.

Uh.

Hey, Jon, things are looking up.

I think that's Linda Ronstadt.

Psst.

Hi. I'm working on this..

Wasn't that Robert Redford?

Okay, uh, that helicopter's about ready to go.

Better hold the traffic.

Oh, oh, alright.

You really think that helicopter

can move that boulder?

The geologists have a saying

"Time will tell."

Okay, ladies and gentlemen, I'm sorry.

There's going to be a short delay

before we let any traffic go through here.

Just a safety precaution, so hang in there, alright?

What's wrong?

Well, a safety precaution

while the crew works on that boulder.

I'm picking up my daughter.

She's coming in the other direction.

Oh, it's safe, uh..

They won't start working

until the highway's clear.

Wonderful. Just terrific.

Listen, uh, this is bad timing

but I'm a big fan of yours.

Yeah. The feeling's mutual.

I'm sorry. You guys have a tough job.

If there's anything I can do to help..

Well, actually, there's this charity that--

Ha ha ha!

Alright.

If I'm free, you can count me in.

- No. Football knee.

Ah, here's the chopper now.

Okay, guys, come on in.

'Dave, we're over you now.'

'We're going to come on in.'

'Okay, great, Art! I see you coming in.'

'Yeah, it looks like you're right on line.'

'How do we look?'

You're right on line.

Alright, swing around. Yeah.

You're lined up with it beautifully.

'How are we lined up, Dave?'

'Come on, Art, you got..'

What's wrong with your radio up there?

'Uh, something's wrong with our radio up here, Dave.'

'Speak up.'

Okay, get that net down there.

'We're going to get the net down now.'

Oh.

- Hi. - Hi.

You know, you're my favorite singer.

Am I? Well, you're adorable.

Um...I'm doing a charity. I'm with the CHP.

- We're doing a charity event. - 'Yes, I know.'

Why don't you check with my manager?

And if I'm not booked, I'll do it.

Ah, that would be great.

Can I have the number, please?

8-3..

You ride a bike?

Well, I tried it once

'when I was ten.'

I still have the scar but, uh

it only shows on special occasions.

- Thank you. - You're welcome.

Yeah, looking good. Looking good!

Okay, get around.

Get around there. Okay, get around the back!

Looking good. Looking good! Yeah!

See you guys later.

You live around here?

Here..

...and Beverly Hills.

Depending.

Parental conflict.

Major cause of juvenile delinquency.

Because of parental delinquency.

- I'm Dane. - Cheryl.

Okay, hoist it up!

'Pull her on up! Let's go!'

'Looking good. Looking good! Yeah!'

'

'Dave, how does it look?'

'Come on! How do you feel?'

'How's the tension?'

Hey, Dave--

Alright, Art, do you have maximum lift up there?

'Dave, uh, we're on maximum power.'

'Everything's red-lined up here.'

'The boulder's not moving.'

Won't budge, huh?

'Say it again?'

- 'I don't know.'

'But that thing won't budge.'

Okay, guys, unhook it. Unhook it.

Listen...we'll get that baby out of there.

We got another plan.

'I hope you have another plan'

'to get that baby out of there.'

Okay, ladies and gentlemen, looks like a washout

so we're going to let everyone pass through.

Just take it easy. It's safe now.

'Just pass on through, okay?'

- Thanks. - You bet.

Go ahead. Keep them moving.

- Daddy! - Mmm, muah!

- Oh, sure, I remember you. - Ha ha ha.

My lawyer's working on an appeal, Steve.

This won't be going on for very long.

Yeah.

Mylawyer told me.

Just have Cheryl at the other end tomorrow, huh?

- And don't be late. Me late?

You've gone through life an hour late.

Make that an hour and a half.

See you tomorrow, honey.

Okay. Bye.

- Good talking to you. - Take care.

Alright, see you later.

- Her name's Cheryl.

She's got, you know, kind of a problem.

Isn't the seat a little high?

It's adjustable.

You're doing the snacks for the race?

A depressing tray of white-bread sandwiches

and, uh, a dip with box of crackers.

Why don't you go for it, Grossie

and figure on serving indoors?

Indoors

No, that's final.

I'll take you back.

Uh, listen, take us to the Malibu Sports Arena.

Wherever. Hey, anything on that burglary?

Not a thing, Bear.

'What makes you think you can'

get the Malibu Sports Club?

You got to believe!

Turn that thing down.

Hmm? Oh.

You're going out?

Why do you think I'm

dressed like this?

Now, that-that's very good.

I go out every night

trying to build a future for us.

Uh, excuse me.

What are you doing?

I think I can doctor this pilot.

It didn't sell because of the theme.

Unsympathetic to Native Americans.

Unsympathetic to Native Amer--

Theme? You want to talk to me about themes?

American Indians?

Didn't sell, the theme didn't sell?

What's wrong with you?

Theme?

Theme Theme?

Un

What do you know about television?

You're believing your own act. You're not a producer!

You're an ex-cycle racer like me

looking for a break!

Here's what we gotta do.

I got the sidecar loaded with silver.

We're going to melt it down and sell it.

No numbers like the gold. Smart?

The road's almost clear.

I hit another house tonight

and then we get out, okay, Kelly?

Ansgar.

The white socks.

They're wrong with the outfit.

I'm sorry.

Ah, that's great.

And plan on staying for the wrap party.

Okay, bye.

Hey.

Huh.

Hi, Leif? Frank Poncherello.

Listen, I got you down as captain of the A team.

How does that grab you?

Terrific. Don't forget about the wrap party, okay?

Bye.

It's beautiful.

Hey, you got a body count?

We're a sellout.

Hey, great.

You can figure on a couple

of hundred people.

Flag football, the water dump, pushball.

Gonna be a busy afternoon, partner.

Oh, listen. I need some girls who can punt, pass, and block.

Any ideas?

How many girls?

I need six..

...to fill out the flag football teams.

Well, what about the bike racers?

Use them.

What bike racers?

I quote, "The Great 5K Star Race

And The Boulder Wrap Party."

W-well, the stars are going to go

with the events I worked out.

Oh...huh.

In other words, you didn't have any takers on the bike race.

Uh, you got it.

Not even when it was outdoors.

False advertising if I've ever seen it.

Hey, not to fear, partner.

I know it sounds more like the Pro-Am Star Olympics

'or the Network Star Games'

but they are contests and stars

and believe me, everybody there is going to run more than 5Ks.

I see.

Hey, we're talking entertainment, Jon.

It'll play, trust me.

'Ladies and gentlemen'

'welcome to the Annual CHP Charity Celebrity Party.'

There's lots of food, lots of drinks

and a lot of great fun here

so enjoy yourself and have a good time.

'Come on, folks, have some lunch and meet the stars.'

'George Peppard having a great time.'

'Earl Holliman, Joyce Bulifant, Elinor Donahue'

'Rose Marie and Jackie Joseph'

'Marcia Wallace, Lee Meriwether, all having a great time.'

'Even Boomer's here.'

'Jo Ann Pflug, Chuck Woolery'

'Lee Meriwether, David Groh.'

'There's Gil Gerard talking to George Peppard'

'and Bonnie Clark.'

'Even the Bear's sampling some of Artie's food.'

'I don't believe it.'

'Brett Somers is here for some fun.'

First on the agenda today

will be the celebrity football game.

'It's just about to begin.'

'Alright, here comes the players on the field'

'led by Captain Milton Berle.'

'And introducing football great Merlin Olsen.'

Get along/Come on, Merlin, I want you to stand over..

'Head cheerleader Susan Richardson.'

'Sorry, Milton. Merlin's got the right idea.'

'Locked in mortal battle on the other side of the arena'

'in the waiters race is Conrad Bain'

'fighting off Daniel J. Travanti.'

'Some of the other celebrities on these teams'

'are Mike Warren, Betsy Palmer, Todd Bridges, Gary Burghoff'

'Dody Goodman, Rose Marie, Dick Van Patten'

'and Dean Butler.'

'Cheering them on are Linda McCullough'

'Sheila DeWindt, Barbra Horan'

'Candi and Randi Brough, Judy Landers'

'and beautiful lady truckers.'

'Whoa, whoa.'

'Betsy Palmer looking great out there.'

'Good hand-off by Mike Warren to Todd Bridges.'

'Alright, let's give them a hand!'

This time, we got the ball.

Now, Mike, when you grab the ball

I'll give you a diagram here.

When you grab the ball

you come right down here.

You stay on the left end, Eddie, okay?

Then you swerve around. Then you grab the..

Hey, fellows, give him a chance.

Huh? He's the captain.

'Cheering them on is Wesley Eure.'

'You know, these actors are from Actors and Others for Animals.'

'We'd sure like to thank them.'

'We're really a success because of them.'

'Oh, Gary Burghoff, looking great out there.'

'You know, most of these actors are perfect for this event'

'because they spent the earlier part'

'of their careers waiting on tables.'

'Rose Marie, looking great.'

'Whoa, she almost lost it.'

'Meanwhile, back at the football game.'

'Look at that! Whoa, what a mess!'

'What a pileup. What a pileup, huh, folks?'

You can't even see who's winning.

Milton, Milton, just, just the flags, Milton.

'Back at the waiters race, folks, we're on the last leg.'

Now it's down to the anchormen

'Dick Van Patten against Dean Butler'

'and it's a close, close race. Really close.'

'But it looks like Dean is moving ahead.'

'Boy, Dean is on a roll. He is flying!'

'Alright, and the winning team is Dean's team!'

'Alright, there's Richard Paul looking on.'

'Gary Burghoff, one happy winner.'

'Don't forget on the other side of the arena'

'is the sieve race, now in progress.'

There's going to be a lot of wet folks in this race.

'Brian Patrick Clarke handing to Shawn Stevens.'

'Boy, he's really getting wet. Everybody's getting wet.'

'Brian Kerwin, Jeb Turner, Bonnie Clark.'

'There's Bonnie. Good hand-off, Bonnie.'

'You know, the object of this game is just simply'

'to fill the buckets at the end full of water'

'but, they-they have to use sieves to fill them'

'so everybody's getting wet in this event.'

'Don't forget, there's plenty of free food, folks'

'so help yourself, anytime you want.'

'It's buffetstyle.'

'Alright, it looks like Bonnie's team'

'is winning here. Yep. Yep.'

'Oh, Jeb, come on. How'd they rope you into this, Jeb?'

'And the winning team'

'is Bonnie Clark's!'

'Alright, let's hear it for Bonnie's team! Alright!'

'Hey, Jeb, you sore loser..'

You alright?

'Okay, could I have everybody's attention?'

Step back here away from the dangerous area, please.

Could we all get back here? I appreciate it. Thank you.

Ladies, you want to step down here, please?

Come on.. Right back here.

Watch this car coming.

Okay, bring the car through.

Move right behind the car. I'd appreciate it.

Get behind the car.

When that thing blows, will it scatter much debris?

Oh, probably not.

See, it's really more like a pop.

We set the charges in the natural fissures, right?

Breaks up and rolls down in pieces.

Of course, there's always the outside chance

that there might be a few flying rocks.

Come on, I want to get going

while that boulder's on their mind.

The sidecar's too small.

Where are you going to put all this stuff?

I'll find a way.

It's not designed to carry this much weight.

See you later.

Help!

Help!

Hey, Dane, just hang on. I'll be with you in a minute.

I'm going to pull you up, alright?

'Give me all the help you can. Use your legs.'

Come on, boy.

Hang in there.

Attaboy.

Okay. Hang in there.

I guess you're mad.

You know, of all the stunts you've pulled

that's about the most pointless

'the most childish, the most destructive..'

I mean, any moron can take a can of paint

and paint on a wall or a rock.

Look, Dane.

I mean, it's a way of getting attention..

...when you can't get it through achievement.

You're right.

I used to feel good when I did something.

Like the bike race.

But now I feel..

...dumb.

I'll deal with you later.

You sure you've got everything?

Just relax and try to look casual. Let's go.

Ponch! The sidecar bandits. Come on!

I know.

Okay, come on, move it.

I can explain everything.

No handcuffs?

Okay. I'll fake it.

'Pushball game is starting.'

'Susan Richardson'

'you're the cheerleader for this one.'

'Lee Meriwether, Peter Marshall, you gonna be in this?'

'Alright!'

'Carolyn Walker's ready to play.'

'Ruth Buzzi, is your team ready for the face'

'Nancy Kulp's team is ready.'

'And there's the face-off!'

'Dennis Burkley diving for it.'

'Altovise Davis getting up on Gil Gerard's shoulders.'

'Madeline Brew giving her a hand there.'

'This pushball game is really getting crazy, folks.'

'Neither team seems to be making any headway at all.'

'Earl Holliman, Dean Butler, and Ruth Buzzi'

'getting in on the action.'

'Alright, that's a great move by Bonnie Clark.'

- You look tired. - Yeah, so do you.

I'm glad you canceled that bike race.

I'm thinking all the time, man.

Oh, uh, I pulled Dane off that boulder today.

He was painting his girl's name on it.

That's a turnaround right there.

He's discovered girls.

Yeah. You know, I really wanted to help him.

Well, you did. Just being there is important, you know.

Kids work out a lot of their own problems.

'Good play, good play.'

'Jimmy Van Patten, Mike Warren'

'Todd Bridges up in the air.'

'Richard Thorne trying to get it.'

'Remember, folks, this is pushball, not flyball.'

'Keep the ball down on the court, players.'

'Johnnie Ray getting in on the action.'

'Altovise Davis still on Gil Gerard's shoulders.'

'Wesley Eure, Todd Bridges, and Kenny Mars doing a great job.'

'And Jimmy Van Patten pops it!'

'John Ericson with a victory salute.'

'Todd Bridges and Kenny Mars are happy.'

'There's Quinn Cummings and Edie Marshall.'

'Great game, folks.'

'Robert Mandan and Earl Holliman are happy.'

'Remember, folks, the orange game is about to start'

'with the Bear handing off to Bonnie Clark'

'and Marcia Wallace.'

'Bonnie passing to John Ericson'

'who's having a little trouble there'

'who in turn passes to Lynn Borden.'

'Charlene Holt to Dean Butler'

'to Donna Mills.'

'John Ericson to Lynn Borden'

'to Brian Kerwin.'

'Robert Walden in a beautiful hand-off to Cindy Williams'

'who hands off to Mike Warren.'

'Brian Kerwin passing off to Laurie Walters.'

'Mike Warren a beautiful hand-off to Rose Marie.'

'Rose Marie handing off to Dan Travanti. Beautiful!'

'And Laurie Walters handing to Tom Hallick.'

'Looks like Dan's having a little trouble there.'

'Come on, Dan.'

'Hey, that's cheating.'

'Passing to Dody Goodman.'

'And Richard Paul passing to Elinor Donahue.'

'Barbra Horan with a beautiful pass-off to Shawn Stevens.'

'Hey, Gil, what are you doing?'

'And Shawn, a beautiful pass'

'to Judy Landers'

'to Johnnie Ray.'

'Johnnie paid $200 for this game.'

'Sure, come on, Johnnie.'

'Looks like they're an item.'

'I know they're an item.'

'Come on, Johnnie, play the game.'

'And Johnnie passes to Ruth Buzzi.'

'Alright...come on then, Ruth.'

'Okay, who in turn passes to Earl Holliman.'

'It's time to dunk your favorite CHP officer.'

'Sure glad I'm up here, folks, and not down there.'

'First officer up is Artie Grossman.'

'And here to do the honors is Cindy Williams.'

'Come on, Cindy, give it to him.'

'He deserves it for that food.'

'That a girl, that a girl!'

'That's what you get for the food, Artie.'

'Next on the firing line is Bonnie Clark.'

Oh.

'Officer Bonnie Clark'

'ready to be dunked.'

Cheer him up!

'Robert Walden taking a shot at her.'

- 'You missed!' - 'Bonnie's getting cold.'

'Let's bring in someone from the bullpen.'

'Richard Kline's gonna try it.'

'Oh ho ho! First hit.'

'Good play, Richard.'

- 'Whoo!' - 'Great, great shot, Richard.'

'You're happy now, Richard.'

'Just hope she never'

'stops you on the freeway'

'because she'll throw the book at you.'

'Alright, next to get dunked, officer..'

'Let me have a throw.'

'...Barry Baricza.'

'Judy Landers..'

'...poising, throwing.'

'Aw. Come on, Judy.'

'Next ball.'

'Okay, Judy, look out.'

'I-I-I see, uh, Johnnie Ray'

'coming through the crowd.'

'Next up, Donna Mills.'

'Come on, dunk him.'

'Oh, nice try, Donna.'

'We got to sink this guy.'

'Come on, who's going to..'

'Lee Meriwether, come on, come on.'

'Alright. Okay. Todd Bridges is gonna do it.'

'Hey, Todd, you're hitting it, but you're not..'

'Come on, a little more power, Todd.'

'Hey, wait!'

'I thought of doing that myself.'

'Officer Jeb Turner will be next to be dunked.'

'Michael Warren is doing the dirty work.'

'Come on, Mike, give it to him.'

'He's gonna let him hang for a while, huh?'

'Good going, Mike. Good going.'

'Well, I know Jeb's in there, Mike, I saw him, oh, oh.'

'Jeb. Jeb?'

'Oh, Jeb.'

'Look out, Mike!'

'Hey, Vic Tayback has joined the party.'

'Alright, folks, I'd like to remind you'

'we have tons and tons of wonderful food..'

She's growing up.

We won't have her much longer.

I know.

There ought to be some way to enjoy the time we have left.

There is.

Your place or mine?

May I have your attention, please?

Why don't everyone step forward

and watch the giant TV screen and get your final look

at the famous Malibu boulder!

'Wow..'

We're back at the site of that giant rock.

That boulder has been a source of frustration, challenge

and even a bit of embarrassment to the experts.

Their first attempt to lift it away by helicopter failed

but now the experts say they feel sure

that explosives are the answer.

Okay, folks, can I have quiet, please?

It's still there.

Well, what are you gonna do now?

Carve a President on it?

Uh, no. Um..

What we'll do is we'll... build a retaining wall

and we'll just chip away at it, piece by piece.

Could take months.

Months?

Why me?

Why me?