Original subtitles

Can I make a question?

Yes.

Cohen, I have a student, even his mother and, you know, has had

about 14 years old at a Rebe age.

All he likes to do is play the violent game, like a killing,

lots of killings, gum shooting.

Mm-hmm.

You know, this kind of game, he feel, you know, the Chinese quite

boring compared this kind of.

Exciting game.

And he could, you know, he, he hardly can, you know, he barely can sit down,

focus on study even five to 10 minutes.

Yeah.

Running around.

Even his mother call him a US brand, you know, so how to deal

with this kind of kid, please.

Great, great.

So, um, yeah, so let, let me, let me think about this in terms of this idea

about, um, about the play zone and then Susan, I'll come to you after that and

we'll get another example, um, to look at, um, There's so many layers here when

there's something like this going on.

We have a teenager who likes these, um, uh, games that involve fighting

and killing, and it's hard for them to, to focus and to concentrate.

Um, and.

In playful parenting, we always include looking at ourselves.

Okay, so we can't just say the child has to change.

What's the trick for getting the child to change?

We have to include the, what we call looking within.

And so the first step is always for you as a teacher and for the

parents to think about, what is it that worries me about this?

What is it I don't like about this?

Why does it trigger me?

What exactly does it trigger inside of me?

Because for one parent, it might trigger worry, uh, worry about the child's future.

And for another parent it might trigger worry that the child will be violent.

And for another parent it might worry, it might trigger frustration or anger.

Um, and so we wanna look closely at what emotions do we have?

What's our own reaction, and how does that affect the way

we react, react to the child?

Because often what happens is it creates a cycle.

So we tell the child that game is boring, that game is stupid, that game is violent.

Um, you should be studying instead.

And this creates tension.

I call it the knot of tension.

So it's like tang, a knot in a rope, and you're pulling it from

one side saying, that's bad.

Stop doing that.

And the child digs in and says, you can't stop me and you don't understand.

And it's the only thing I like and it's my favorite thing.

And they pull the rope from the other side, and the more they pull, the more

you pull and the tighter the knot comes.

And the more you pull, the more they pull.

And the knot gets tighter and tighter and tighter.

So fussing and scolding and nagging and lecturing these

things, um, make the knot tighter.

And yet if you just give up and say, forget it, then they'll

just lock themselves in the room and eat potato chips and play

video games, uh, 24 hours a day.

So that's not good either.

So how do we break that cycle?

How do we loosen that knot?

Untie the knot?

I think laughter and togetherness and closeness is the best

way to loosen the knot.

And so how do you get laughter and closeness and togetherness?

What I would do with a boy like this who likes these games, and I've

done it before with boy's disc like this, I kind of sit next to them.

I'm sort of almost even sitting in their lap and saying, oh my gosh,

this game, this game's so violent.

I can't believe it.

I have to be close to you.

Um, and I just been really silly and goofy and exaggerated, and it gets them

laughing and laughing and laughing, and the laughter releases the tension.

I also say, you know, I don't like this game, but I know you love it.

I would like you to teach me how to play it, to show me what you love about

it, and to validate how good they are.

So even though you think it's useless and a waste, you're not

gonna get anywhere unless you say.

I recognize that you're really good at this game.

I'm not sure why this kind of game you love, it's something I wanna understand,

but I know you've put a lot of time and energy into it, and I really admire that.

And you know me, you know, I wish you were putting that time and energy into

your studies instead, but I just wanna tell you that I admire the fact that you

have, uh, made a commitment and you've, you've, you've gotten good at something.

Okay?

Now that might be hard to say.

You might have to practice with a friend because you don't feel like saying that.

But I promise you it's not gonna make them do the game more.

It's gonna make them trust you more, make them relax more, make them feel understood

more, and then they can let it go.

They can, they can turn their attention to something else.

So we could talk for hours and hours more about these video games.

Um, uh, divvy, just the taste of