Original subtitles

Yes!

Ooh, boy. Oof!

Ooh!

It's not porn.

It is best-selling entertainment.

Mwah.

♪♪

Excuse me, but you look familiar.

I'm sorry, what?

Do you work in a veterinary office?

Oh, that's gotta be it.

You look so familiar.

I'm Betty and my poodle's name is Misty, the teacup black one.

No, I'm sorry, Betty. I'm a writer.

Maybe you've read one of my books.

Oh, what's your name?

I write under the pen named Mercedes Lee Loveletter.

Is it Christian romance?

No.

Is it Amish? Oh, how I love those Amish novels.

Definitely not Amish.

Are you writing now?

Yes.

May I see?

I'm afraid I don't let anyone see my work in progress.

Needs an editor's touch.

You were in here yesterday too, right?

And the day before?

Okay. What's the problem?

Did management send you in here?

No, no. I'm just the baker.

Betty the baker. You do the cookies.

Yes, I make the cookies.

The scones?

Holy cow, those scones are delish.

- Do you really think so? - Oh, yes.

- Have you tried the danishes? - I haven't seen the danishes.

I usually get here around 10. They must be gone by 10.

Oh, well, that's a good sign.

I think so, too.

Good for you, Betty.

How many days have you been in here?

Is there something terribly wrong with your car?

I bet they could get you a rental.

Actually, I'm not really a writer, Betty.

Can you keep a secret?

I'm here with corporate.

We've been worried about the service in this branch,

so they sent me here to scope things out for a few weeks.

Well, I'd never heard any complaints before.

Ah, but you wouldn't. It's all very internal.

But I'm going to need you to keep my presence here quiet.

If that's okay.

Mum's the word.

Thank you for your discretion.

We aren't worried about you at all.

[exhales]

Hi, Dean.

Kate, I don't need an oil change.

Yes, but you're my friend and you'll do anything for me.

I need your car so I don't blow my cover.

I lied to an old lady. I'm in deep.

This is so desperate.

It doesn't matter.

What matters is that I've got my writing mojo back

and I'm not giving it up.

Please?

Why don't you just find a back entrance

instead of borrowing every neighbor's car?

You never thought of that?

This deadline has me freaked out, okay?

No, whatever.

- Wait... - Thank you!

You don't need my car?

Nope!

♪♪

Shit!

Are you okay?

Oh, my God, my computer.

Okay, it's not cracked, but will it boot?

Oh, rookie mistake.

This is what I get for not backing it up.

Oh, okay. Phew!

Hey.

Are you hurt?

Huh?

Um...

You, uh, you work here?

I do.

I'm a mechanic.

Were you getting a service?

[laughs]

Yes.

Then what brings you back here?

Completed cars are out front.

These back doors are the employee entrance.

Right.

I, um... was coming out for a smoke.

Great. Can I bum one?

Weren't you just fake smoking licorice?

- You saw that? - Yes.

Before my triumphant fall,

I saw something that looked like a make-believe cloud

of cherry smoke floating all around you.

I quit smoking three months ago.

Licorice helps.

- Doesn't hurt. - Maybe hurts the ego.

How macho is it to fake smoke candy?

My ego is never in danger, babe.

Well, with book boyfriend arms like that, it's no wonder.

- Book boyfriend? - Book boyfriend.

The leading man in a romance novel

that readers claim ownership of

because he doesn't likely exist in the real world.

Basically, the ideal man.

I haven't heard of that before.

I'd take it you're into books or something.

Or something.

And it doesn't surprise me you've never heard of it.

You're not my demo.

What if you're my demo?

Well, we won't know that until the end.

♪♪

Fess up, where have you been?

[gasps]

The library, like I told you in my text.

Bullshit.

You smell like coffee and rubber.

Also known as freedom.

You actually went back to the Tire Depot.

Kate, come on. They are going to call the cops on you.

For what? Stealing complimentary coffee and cookies?

Come on. That's not a thing.

But loitering is.

You think they'd really do that?

Anyway, I found a back entrance.

No more borrowing cars.

Oh, that's even better.

Skulking in and out of side entrances, brilliant.

I don't care, Lindsay.

I found my words at the TD.

And I'm not letting go until I'm done.

The TD?

Tire Depot. It's such a mouthful.

You know what's a mouthful?

Prison.

This is a crutch, Kate.

You've got to see that.

Who cares? I couldn't write a thing before I went there.

And writing is what keeps me in this posh townhouse

on the outskirts of beautiful Boulder.

If I want to continue being this stunning creature

living the high life, I have to follow the vibe.

And the vibe is strong at Tire Depot.

Can we stop dancing around what's really going on here?

Watch yourself. That is luxury-reclaimed barn wood.

This is about your ex

who happens to still live with you.

He's gone for the summer.

That is hardly living together.

And as soon as he gets back, I'm not budging.

We're playing this game of chicken,

and there's no way I'm letting that entitled fucker

take this house.

So even though you can't write in it,

you want to fight for the house with no vibe?

That's irrelevant.

There's no way in hell I'm moving.

I have to write a follow-up bestseller.

That is no small feat.

I live next door to my best friend.

You don't want me to move out, do you?

No.

- [gasps] - What?

It looks like a letter from Tire Depot.

They figured it out?

Stop being so dramatic.

Have they ever mailed you something before?

No. Oh, my God. What if this is the moment I feared?

They might be taking my mojo away.

"Dear Miss Smith, we have taken notice

of your enjoyment of our customer waiting area."

Read it.

An invoice for refreshments?

- Holy shit. - How did they know?

- What? - $180 for lattes and cookies.

Kate, how many did you eat?

I don't eat lunch.

- Wait a damn minute. - What?

- This has danishes here. - Okay?

I have never had a Danish there in my life.

- You haven't. - I'm being punk'd.

- Dean. - Dean.

Okay, here's a plan. I'm going to kneel here.

You knock on the door.

When he opens it, junk punch.

Kate, what if he didn't do it?

I mean, that's so extreme.

Surely he has a punch to the balls out coming for something.

He's a mountain manwhore. They always have it coming.

Why are you so mature?

You're a dick,

and I know that fake invoice was from you.

[grunts]

Nice to see you too, Kate.

Just be grateful she didn't junk punch you.

I saved you from that.

- Thanks, Liz. - Mm-hmm.

How'd you know it was me?

The letterhead was too perfect.

And I know you know how to use Photoshop.

You should try to suck more.

Oh, that is the first time I've heard that.

You should have seen her, Dean.

I thought she was going to start crying

when she saw that letterhead.

Look, I tried to get you to come check out

my co-working space.

We've got coffee and donuts there too, you know?

Eh, those aren't my people. Not my vibe.

And your vibe is this tire shop?

You gotta see it to believe it, man.

If you find your vibe somewhere,

you have to fight for it.

Tire Depot is to me what Fanny Braun was to John Keats.

Poetry in motion, man.

Okay, you sound like a lunatic.

What if you could work better and faster elsewhere?

You'd have more time to hike, bang chicks,

prank your friends, buy more plaid trousers.

Oh, you've been noticing my slacks, Kate?

No, and don't change the subject.

I feel like a fucking champion

when I'm blasting out words

and sitting next to some gal

who's wasting her life on social media.

It's a real morale boost for Mercedes Lee Loveletter.

And I still can't believe you hit a best-seller list

with that pen name.

My readers get me.

They'd have to.

So you're going back there tomorrow?

Hell's yeah.

This smut won't write itself.

I have two large pizzas, parmesan breadsticks,

a pound of boneless wings, and three dipping sauces.

Mercedes Lee Loveletter.

I have two large pizzas, parmesan breadsticks,

a pound of boneless wings

and three dipping sauces.

Mercedes Lee Loveletter.

I have two large pizzas,

parmesan breadsticks,

a pound of boneless wings, and three dipping sauces.

Claim it now or it's going in the trash.

I'm Mercedes.

I've been calling your name for like five minutes.

Well, I didn't order a pizza.

I don't care.

Fucking whore.

[Kate] I'm trying to keep a low profile.

[laughing]

Everyone is staring at me.

I'm fucking mortified.

Laughing so fucking hard.

You interrupted my anal scene.

I was in the zone.

Wheezing on the floor.

How do you have time for this?

Don't you have a book to write?

Best 53 bucks I ever spent.

♪♪

You're back.

I had an issue with one of my tires.

Which car?

I drive the Cadillac SRX.

A Cadillac?

Isn't that kind of an old lady car?

It is not an old lady car.

It is a luxury SUV and it is wonderful.

Well, if you have that kind of money,

you should look into a Lexus or a BMW.

Much more sexy feel to the body.

Maybe I don't want a sexy body feel.

What's your name?

My name is Mercedes.

That's perfect.

You'd look damn fine in a Mercedes.

What do you drive?

An Indian motorcycle.

Why am I not surprised?

Am I that predictable?

More predictable than my old lady car.

Well, it's nice to officially meet you, Mercedes.

I'm Miles Hudson.

Now tell me why you're really here.

Would some leftover pizza keep you quiet?

I might buy you some time.

Time is all I need.

- You're serious? - Super serious.

Very well, Mercedes.

I'll leave you be, for now.

See you around the water cooler, Miles.

♪♪

You haven't noticed that hot redhead

in the comfort center, have you?

Nope.

Were she there today?

Yeah, and yesterday.

What was she doing?

Just on her computer.

So she's siphoning free Wi-Fi.

Call the cops. We got a mooch on our hands.

I don't get a mooch vibe from her.

Mostly feels like desperation.

Mmm.

Now it all makes sense.

You have a fetish for desperate girls, bro.

- I do not. - Yes, you do.

You like to save them.

Be the gallant protector, who sweeps in, guards them.

This girl does not need saving.

So she's nothing like Jocelyn?

Dude, I'm done with Joss.

Can we please stop talking about her?

Miles, you got dumped by your longtime sweetheart

for some rich, ugly prick.

That shit sticks with you forever.

What a sausage fest.

Why do we live here again?

Because my uncle's the manager.

And no other boss would put up with our shit.

And maybe that.

Oh, definitely that.

[machine sounds]

♪♪

Hey, Justin. I'm gonna close up tonight, okay?

Hey, Red.

Mercedes?

Shit, did I pass out?

Yeah.

Have you fainted before?

Only when I don't eat.

Why didn't you have a cookie or something?

I feel bad eating all the cookies.

Betty works so hard on them.

It's bad enough that I drink all the coffee.

What's wrong?

No one ever tells her how good those cookies are.

I got here early so that I could try her danishes.

And they were already gone.

How crazy is that?

Betty has to get up so early to make them fresh every day,

and then people just gobble them up in seconds.

I wonder if anyone appreciates her in her life.

Do you know if she's married?

Betty gets a hug from me every time I see her.

The guys here love her baked goods.

- Really? - Really.

[sobbing] That's really sweet.

I'm sorry.

I get emotional when I'm hungry.

You know how some people get hangry?

I get I'm emungry.

- Emotional and hungry? - It's a thing.

I got them to add it to Urban Dictionary.

Well, let's get you something to eat, then.

Like pizza. Not cookies.

I love pizza. I know.

I saw your shirt the other day.

With the pizza? I love that shirt.

Oh, my God.

I am probably bugging you.

You're not.

Please. I practically just fainted in your arms.

We could not get any more book worthy if we tried.

Mercedes, this isn't the first time

I've had a girl faint at the sight of me.

[laughing]

Just feed me

before you start reciting any more cheesy romance novel lines.

I had to kill a guy for these.

I hope you didn't get blood on them.

Jesus, now what?

Oh, come on. There was nothing sexy about that.

I just stuffed my face with a breadstick.

So, what are you so busy doing every day

that you forget to eat?

All I can say is that I was in the zone.

You need to drink water.

On a day that you didn't faint into my arms,

you could have a beer first.

But please, for my own sanity, will you drink some water first?

Thank you.

Now, tell me what you're doing every day.

Think of this as a safe space.

Nothing will be held against you.

And you've been doing this for over three weeks now?

Basically.

But why won't you tell me what you're writing?

Because it weirds people out.

I won't judge.

You'll judge.

Well, if you tell me you're writing

the next "Game of Thrones,"

we'll basically have to get married

and live happily ever after.

It's not the next "Game of Thrones,"

but thank you for the most romantic proposal

I've ever received.

You get a lot of proposals?

Yeah.

Only from guys with issues.

I don't have issues.

Where were you born?

Utah.

What brought you here?

Tech school.

Did you know anyone when you moved out here?

I followed this girl.

What was she like?

I don't want to talk about her.

Oh, yikes.

Did I just stumble on a sore spot?

Say the word and I'll stop.

- Word. - Got it.

No ex-girlfriend talk.

I mean, I'm over her, but I just don't like to think about her.

I totally get it.

Douchebag ex-boyfriend over here.

So what do you do when you're not working?

I like to ride my motorcycle, hike, read.

Occasionally I go to the lake.

Mmm. Cool.

Well, I'll make sure to go shopping

for my Harley this weekend.

You do that.

Come on, let's get you back to the shop

before I start boring you with why you should

get an Indian instead of a Harley.

Oof. Mechanic talk. Sounds kinky.

♪♪

[sighs]

Sex appeal isn't created in a fancy gym

with weights and treadmills.

It's born in powerful, grungy garages

where men, real fucking men

work with their hands.

Where they get so dirty, they have to use

special manly soap to clean themselves up.

You can't find that shit at Bath & Body Shop.

This is pure fucking testosterone.

Billionaire romance is out.

Mechanic romance is in.

So very in.

♪♪

Another week of work down.

You look hyper focused.

Yeah. I, um...

I got a new book idea today.

Any big plans for the weekend?

My buddy and I might go to the Golden Gate Park tomorrow.

We try to camp and hit

this great hiking trail there every summer.

Sounds fun.

Super masculine.

What about you?

Oh, I will probably do some more writing.

Sounds exciting.

Oh, it is.

Well, you have a good weekend.

I have no idea why I just kissed you on the cheek.

That was really inappropriate.

No worries here.

Endless dirty thoughts live rent free in my mind.

I swear I'm usually a lot smoother than this.

Don't worry.

Your book boyfriend status is still very much secure.

See you Monday, Mercedes.

See you at the coffee machine.

- Cheers, buddy. - Cheers.

What are you waiting for, bro?

She tells you she has dirty thoughts and you don't think,

"Yeah, I'm gonna tap that?"

No, she's too cool for a random hookup.

Then I'd have to see her every day in the comfort center.

It would be awkward.

Wait, you just don't go in there anymore after you bang her.

Boom, problem solved.

- Two. - I like seeing her.

Oh, my gosh. Thank you.

Is that that same redhead?

Yeah.

Ooh.

I'll visit you in jail.

What?

Yeah, when you get arrested for killing that guy,

I will visit you in jail.

Dude, I thought you were just friends with this girl.

I am.

Then fucking cool it, bro.

- Hey, Miles. - Hey, Mercedes.

Fancy seeing you here.

I thought you were going camping.

I thought you were writing.

Girl needs a break sometimes.

I'll find a coffee shop tomorrow.

This is my buddy, Sam.

Hey, nice to meet you.

- Hi. - Mercedes.

Right. Mercedes.

Well, I will...

Can I buy you a drink?

Drink sounds good.

Here, take my spot.

I'm gonna go say hi to a friend. He's the DJ tonight.

Thanks.

- Nice to meet you. - Yeah, you too.

What's your poison?

- Miles. - Mercedes.

Why haven't you asked me to hang out again

since we had pizza together?

Tire Depot seems safer.

Safer?

Meaning that I won't run into you

and break my computer again?

Something like that.

So what are your plans really tonight?

You're just hanging out with Sam,

or are you guys on the hunt?

On the hunt?

For tail.

A one night stand that gets really awkward in the morning

because she wants to make you pancakes,

but you would rather chew your arm off

and sneak out before she wakes up.

Something like that.

I could tell that about you.

How?

It's my business.

So, what's your type?

Draws your eye, what are we working with here?

I don't know.

Brunettes, I guess.

My ex was a blonde. No more blondes.

Brunettes it is.

Let's see.

Not my friend Lindsay.

She already dated my friend Dean

and it was so awkward for months after.

What about her?

No, I try to avoid packs.

There's always one friend who cock blocks,

one friend who tries to steal the guy

and one friend who slut-shames the other two.

Man, girls can be mean.

You're telling me.

What about you?

Why aren't you on the hunt?

You said you're over your ex, right?

Oh, I totally am. He is vile.

And your friend Dean isn't a prospect?

No way.

He is my neighbor and he reminds me of my brother.

Uh-huh.

You know what? You're right, Miles.

I should totally find a random hookup tonight.

Well, I never said anything about random.

Well, you're doing it, so why can't I?

You don't seem like the random type.

Well, maybe I should be.

Can I tell you a secret, Miles?

You can tell me anything, Mercedes.

My writing makes me horny.

I'm sorry, what?

I'm serious.

I have a sex toy that works really fast and really well,

but sometimes I just miss the heat of a man, you know?

Not really.

Fine, the heat of a woman. You know what I'm talking about?

The heat.

You might have to elaborate with great detail.

You asked for it.

The heat of a woman is so much more than temperature.

It's her soft, sensual curves,

the way that your fingers dig into the meat of her thighs

when she's wrapped around you.

The delicate little bumps on her ribcage

when she's throwing her head back in pleasure.

Tight little nipples,

and pillows of creamy softness.

The fact that you could fold your body around her

and envelop her almost entirely

and still want more.

That kind of heat.

You totally write erotica.

Damn it. I didn't want you to know.

Why not? What's the big secret?

Because it'll change the way that you look at me.

How so?

You'll either think that I'm some kind of sex freak,

or you'll be embarrassed by what I do

and not want to tell anyone.

Are you joking?

Well, your buddy doesn't count. He's probably a hornball.

I mean anyone that is important to you.

It's a big reason why my ex and I broke up.

He asked me to lie to his family

about what I did for a living.

- What a fucker. - Yes.

But I write some really kinky shit.

It's not exactly easy to tell your grandma about.

I would tell my grandma about you.

- You would not. - I fucking would.

Grandmas hate me. My grandma hates me.

She's really religious, and every time that I come home,

she tries to arrange for a meeting with me and her priest.

She thinks that I need an intervention

or an exorcism or something.

I'm sorry, that's not funny.

It's kind of funny.

Come with me.

- Where are we going? - Calling my grandma.

No, Miles. Are you insane?

- It's after midnight. - She loves me. I'm her favorite.

Okay, okay. We'll call my sister.

Miles, what are you doing?

Too late.

[Meg] Hello.

Meg? I want to ask you a question.

Why is it so loud?

Miles, how is it possible for you to cock-block me

from 500 miles away?

Big brother intuition.

Just ask your question.

Okay, so I met this girl. She's super fucking hot.

Gross, Miles.

Sorry, okay.

So she writes sexy books, like that's her job.

Dirty kinky shit, I think.

And she was saying that grandmothers hated her,

and I said our grandma would be totally into it.

True or false?

Duh, Grams is a freak. Totally true.

So, who is this girl? I want to read her stuff.

I'll find out.

But I'll call you back, Meg.

Don't fuck that dude tonight.

What happened? What did I say?

♪♪

Mercedes, what are we doing?

I don't know, I just kissed you, I guess.

Yes, you did.

And as hot as that was, we have to stop.

Right, we're in public.

I like you Mercedes, but I'm not in the position

to like someone right now.

Wait, what?

After everything that you just said with your sister?

Got it.

Well, I'm sorry to put you

through such a difficult situation.

Mercedes, wait.

I don't want things to be weird.

Well, you shouldn't have flirted with me then.

See you around, Miles.

[door opens]

Why are you here?

Oh my God, what is that horrible smell?

It's nothing.

Wait, wait, is that a tire scented candle?

No.

Give it to me!

Stop it, you're going to make me spill wax on my floor!

Let go so I can see what you're hiding.

- No! - Kate!

- No! - Hello.

[laughs]

Don't stop on my account.

Oh my God, burnt rubber scented soy candle.

I can't believe this is a thing.

Jesus, H, you got it bad, Kate.

I know!

Can't write a damn word,

and all I want to do is go back to Tire Depot.

Then go.

So you kissed him and he turned you down, big deal.

What, are you in the seventh grade?

Go back to the Tire Depot.

She has a point, Kate.

It'll be awkward for a day, three tops.

He'll probably stay in the garage and ignore you.

You're right.

My house smells like shit now, too.

Fine. I'll go back.

But only because burnt rubber is not the same as new rubber.

We're rotating and balancing tires.

But the rattling sound that you were hearing

is, unfortunately...

♪♪

How's the book coming?

Coming along.

This is the point in the story where I rip the couple apart

and ruin everything they thought they knew about each other.

Ouch.

Can't they just be happy?

What's dramatic about happy?

My readers like the pain, the torture.

Makes the makeup sex that much better.

You know, my sister texted me.

She asked for your full author name so she could look you up.

Really?

I warned you.

We are a family full of readers.

[chuckles]

You're gonna laugh.

I was drunk when I came up with it.

My full pen name is Mercedes Lee Loveletter.

What's your real last name?

It's Smith.

Also, I write a lot of BDSM.

So does this mean we don't have to be awkward?

Yeah, friends.

Good.

Because as a friend, I was wondering

if you might be able to help me

with some research for my next book.

What did you have in mind?

You're gonna throw your leg over,

but don't let your ankles touch this area here.

Got it?

It'll make me feel better if you wear it.

It'll protect you a little.

Okay, get on.

Okay, are you ready?

Ready.

[engine starts]

Whoo!

♪♪

Ah!

God, that was incredible.

You weren't scared?

No. Was I supposed to be?

My ex hated this thing.

Your ex is a fool.

I mean, I understand that motorcycles are dangerous,

but the danger is what makes it exciting.

You took the words right out of my mouth.

Unfortunately, my ex liked a different kind of danger.

Do you want to tell me what you mean by that,

or do you want to say "word" again?

My ex loved the cheating kind of danger.

Yikes.

It wasn't just one guy.

That's the hardest part.

How you can bald-faced lie to someone you care about?

That's not the fun kind of danger for me.

Not at all.

I'm so sorry.

It's fine.

I blame myself for not walking away sooner.

She made me a jealous head case with baggage for days.

Yeah. Jealousy is the worst.

Although, I will tell you, from a writer's standpoint,

readers love a possessive man.

Is that right?

So I should be thanking my ex

for making me a possessive asshole?

God, no.

She sounds like too much of an asshole

to get any credit for the man you are today.

Well, your ex sounded like an asshole, too.

I still can't believe he made you lie about your job

- to his family. - Right?

Why did we ever date them?

I ask myself that all the time.

I guess you could say that if we didn't go through all that,

then we might not be here enjoying this awesome view.

You're missing something really beautiful.

No, I'm not.

I can't figure you out, Miles.

I can't figure me out either.

[engine revving]

How's it going?

No way. You just finished?

I just finished.

Congratulations, Mercedes.

Couldn't have done it without you, Miles.

We should celebrate. Buy you a drink?

Actually, I'm having a little "The End" party

at my house on Friday.

- Want to come by? - I'd love to.

Great.

[dance music plays]

Don't forget to call me Mercedes tonight.

- Mercedes! - Woo!

See! Hi, everyone! Woo!

Mercedes is doing a keg stand

to celebrate finishing her book.

What? No way!

Mercedes is not doing a keg stand

because you made me buy that shitty IPA.

Mercedes likes light beer and complimentary coffee

and writing sex books!

Yeah!

And hard and fast wall sex!

Yeah!

And a formal scene where a guy takes off a girl's panties

and fingers them in his tuxedo pocket all night long.

That was really specific, but yeah!

Miles!

I'm going to go get a drink.

Uh, I'm going to follow that guy.

I'm Lindsay.

Best friend and neighbor.

There's my a Tiki bar over there.

Can I get you something to drink?

I'm Miles. Thanks. I'm good for now.

Okay.

I'm going to follow those guys. Bye.

Can we go somewhere and talk?

Sure.

You have a roommate?

Kind of.

So it's a guy?

Yes.

Figures.

It's not that Dean guy, right?

You said he's your neighbor?

He is my neighbor. It's not Dean.

Then who is it?

No one.

I'm sorry. I should just go.

My roommate is gay.

Seriously?

And he's out of town for the summer, so...

Why are you acting like this?

I thought you only wanted to be friends.

It's a lot harder than I thought it would be.

What can I do to help?

I'm overprotective.

I'm overbearing, arrogant.

Okay.

Pretty much everything I do is in the extreme.

I try not to be jealous, I do.

- She... - I'm not her.

I know you're not her.

I just really need you to not do things to make me jealous.

Why?

Because it will make me want to fuck you

so you don't ever want to look at another guy again.

Prove it.

I hope you know what you're asking for, Red.

♪♪

You're not getting these back.

Jesus fuck, how are you real?

♪♪

Mmm...

Oh...

You're a dirty girl, Mercedes.

Yes.

I like your rough hands on my body.

Let's see how we look together.

Talk dirty to me like you did the other night.

I love when you put your finger in my mouth like that.

Oh, God.

Mercedes...

[water running]

Shirt thief.

♪♪

I've been looking for this shirt for ten minutes.

Are you in a pancake mood,

or a cut your arm off and run mood?

I could eat.

Go sit down.

I feel like I need to tell you

that I didn't come here last night to do that.

Okay.

I mean, don't get me wrong, it was really good.

Fucking great, actually.

It was, wasn't it?

But, I just want you to know that wasn't my plan.

Is this the part where you tell me

that you're not in a position to like someone again?

Maybe.

That's fine.

It is?

This is no big deal, Miles.

We had sex.

You didn't ask me to go steady.

I'm not getting this twisted up.

So, you're good with this...

just being casual?

Yeah.

I'm a workaholic, so it's not like I have time

to devote to a boyfriend.

[chuckles]

Though, I might need your help with some book research.

Book research? I thought you were done.

Oh, how little you know about writing.

Tire Depot was the easy stuff.

I want help with the bedroom stuff.

You write erotic novels.

What more could you need to know?

Okay, so for my new book,

I want to write from a dual point of view.

So one chapter will be in the female voice,

and the next chapter will be in the male voice,

and I'll alternate between the two.

I know what dual point of view is, Mercedes.

Okay, sorry.

So, I'm gonna need your help getting into the mind of a man.

Should we start now?

I'd hate to see your education suffer.

Actually, since we're sticking with

this whole friends with benefits thing,

I was wondering if you could help me

with a little project first.

Like a naked kind of project?

I mean, you can be naked if you want to,

but it might not be safe.

Could you help me move my roommate's shit

downstairs and into a moving pod?

Absolutely.

Friends have to earn their benefits sometimes.

Thanks.

Oh my God, Hannah.

I have entered into a casual friends with benefits situation

with a mechanic from Tire Depot

who thinks my name is Mercedes.

Wait, this is actually happening to you,

like in real life? - Yes!

And I like him way more than just a friend,

so I'm in crisis mode. What do I do?

Besides bone him every chance you get?

Yeah, I mean, my alter ego's taking the reins here.

I fully understand.

And I've kind of been avoiding him this week

to sort of play cool so that he doesn't know that I like him.

Which you do?

Yes, but I don't want him to know that.

I mean, is this relationship worth me telling him

my real name, or is it just sex?

Are you done?

I could use some sage advice here.

Listen to me. Here's what you're gonna do.

You are gonna go camping.

- Camping? - Camping.

Why?

Kate, outdoorsy guys love that shit.

Just tell them it's for book research and you need his help.

Ooh, that's good, because I actually use that excuse.

Perfect.

You're going to be adorable and fumbling

and not know how to cast a fishing pole,

and he's going to realize how much fun it is

to go camping and get to fuck in a tent.

By the end of the trip, you'll know

if you need to fish or cut bait.

Hmm. You should be a writer.

- Mmm. - Hannah, this is good.

You're a genius. I'm going camping.

Just, um, let me know where to have the pizza delivered to.

Ha-ha, beesh.

Hey, Kate. You here for a cronut?

You know it.

I'm going to be a hot minute before the new batch is ready,

but go ahead and take a number and we'll bring them right out.

I'll take two and a cup of coffee.

You got it.

[text chimes]

[Miles] My dick misses you.

[Kate] Your dick is insatiable.

- Are you dry-humping me? - Uh-huh.

Tell me what you're thinking.

I want you naked and in a bed now.

[Miles] How are the words flowing?

[Kate] Not as good as the other night.

You are soaking wet.

Oh, my God.

[Miles] You're at the bakery?

I could think of something else I'd rather be eating.

Let me take care of you.

[Kate] OMG, you're filthy.

[Miles] Says the smut writer.

Feeling inspired?

5,000 words in three hours.

That's Tire Depot magic right there.

Maybe it's Miles Hudson magic.

Oh, Jesus!

Say "hi," Dean.

I was literally standing there for almost five minutes.

I'm reading my texts.

So, what is so important that you had to see me?

I don't know what you mean.

We do this every week.

Yeah.

But you've never texted me three times the day of

to make sure that I was coming.

I take cronuts very seriously.

Dean.

I saw his truck outside your place a couple nights ago.

Whose truck?

Miles. Who else?

How do you know it was his truck?

Because I don't know any other guys in Boulder

who would drive a beastly vehicle like that.

Oh my God, you're such a snob.

So, he spent the night?

What did you, come back and check in the morning?

Maybe.

Stop worrying. We're just fooling around.

It's nothing serious.

See, that is exactly what I'm worried about.

The guy rejected you once already.

Thank you for reminding me.

Any guy that jerks you around like that is an idiot.

He's not an idiot.

He's a mechanic at a Tire Depot. How bright can he be?

Are you kidding me?

Hey, just calm down.

Coming from a high school dropout.

I got my GED.

And I am self-educated.

In what? Being an ass hat?

I surround myself with people who are inclusive

and non-judgmental because I have a weird job.

I don't want judgy friends in my corner

because that would make me a hypocrite.

And Miles is so encouraging about what I do.

More encouraging than you have ever been.

And he's not dumb at all.

He's actually really fucking insightful.

And you might see that if you quit

looking down your nose at people.

Don't go, Kate.

No, I'm sorry.

But if you're going to start acting like this,

then I don't see how we can continue to be friends.

Kate...

I like you.

Yeah, well, I liked you, too,

until you started acting like a douche nozzle.

No. I mean, I really like you.

- And I... - [whispers] Shit.

I don't think it's something I can ignore anymore.

Dean...

How long?

A couple years.

But I was with Lindsay

and you were with that douchebag Dryston.

Why didn't you tell me?

I didn't want to be a rebound.

You're hooking up with a guy who still

doesn't even know your real name.

How do you think that's going to end?

He wants it casual, but I want the whole thing.

The good, the bad, all of it.

I'm sorry, Dean.

But I just don't feel the same way.

But you are one of my best friends

and I don't want to change that.

I need you to go.

But why?

We all have our own little places

and this is my Tire Depot.

Please.

I'm sorry, Dean.

Hey.

What's that?

A carburetor.

What does it do?

Um, kind of a lot.

Do you really want to know?

Yes.

Well, it mixes the proper ratio of gas and air

inside of an engine for combustion to occur.

Nowadays, most cars have fuel injectors,

but the classics still run on these puppies.

Interesting.

It's kind of like how a candle needs oxygen to burn.

Combustion of an engine can't take place

without the air the carburetor brings in.

Kind of like how...

an orgasm can't be achieved without friction.

Sure. You could draw that parallel.

I would like to draw that parallel soon.

Did you have something in mind?

Watch your step up here.

Woop!

Smells so good.

Miles, this is perfect.

I didn't know girls could be this excited about camping.

Well, don't judge a book by its cover, mister.

Look, there's a path that leads right to the water.

Perfect.

Come on. We got work to do.

Got to set up camp.

This looks brand new.

Yeah. I just do a sleeping bag, usually.

So you bought this for me?

It's not only for you.

This will save my knees big time.

You're such a horny bastard.

Says the smut writer.

Mm-hmm.

Tickle, tickle, tickle!

Seriously?

Seriously. Take your shorts off.

♪♪

I figured you were thirsty.

We've earned these.

Yeah, camping is hard.

Mountain air suits you.

I'm just in a good mood.

It's amazing how much nicer life is with no drama.

Do you ever talk to your ex?

Not a word, and that's good.

You never told me how you found out she was cheating on you.

She got pregnant.

With some rich old guy's kid.

We were on a break at the time.

Wow.

The layers.

Do you think that she got pregnant on purpose?

No.

Yes?

I don't know. Probably.

I have to wonder what kind of a fuckwit I was

to not really realize.

She was always money obsessed.

Thought being a mechanic was too blue-collar.

Wanted me to make more money.

You seem like you're doing just fine to me.

See, thank you.

I'm just pissed off I wasted

the best years of my life with her.

Who said they were the best years?

Look around you, Miles.

It's a pretty beautiful day.

You want for nothing.

That is an incredible quality in a person.

And, I mean, look at you. You're smoking hot.

You got a great job.

House, friends.

Really sexy fuck buddy.

Thank you.

So don't sweat the past.

Focus on the now.

Seriously, right now, my bobber disappeared

several minutes ago, and I don't know what to do.

Shit, you gotta bite.

[laughing]

Are you kidding me?

I caught a bicycle tire.

What the hell, Colorado?

Way to keep it classy. My hands hurt.

Surely you could see the irony in this.

Babe, you caught a tire.

This is kismet.

Truth or dare?

Truth.

Do you ever get horny in the garage at Tire Depot?

What?

You're working on a customer's car

and your hands are getting really dirty

and you're just really...

digging in there.

I'm afraid not.

Damn.

But classic car work on the other hand,

if I'm working on one of those

and an old car that hasn't run in fucking decades

and suddenly roars to life,

then hell yes.

Rock solid.

Ha. I knew it.

Perverts attract perverts.

Okay. Truth or dare?

Dare.

Ooh, somebody has secrets.

Shut up.

Skinny dip in the lake.

The lake that birthed my blessed tire? No way.

Who knows what the hell else is in that thing?

It's fine. I knew you wouldn't do it.

All talk and no action.

A-hem.

Need I remind you who has been

sneaking into Tire Depot for weeks now?

You call that dangerous?

I am consuming complimentary beverages

without service miles.

That is just as bad as thieving.

Such a cold hard criminal.

Fine, I'll do it.

But you have to do it with me.

And why would I do that?

Because I'll be naked.

Come on, now. We made it this far.

♪♪

Is that gonna hurt when you jump in the water?

Not if you hold it.

Come on!

Cannonball!

Whoo-hoo!

[splashing]

♪♪

Mercedes?

Do you feel like...

Do you feel that?

Feel what?

- [thunder] - Oh, my God, that's freezing!

[panting]

♪♪

[thunder]

[sighs]

Oh...

[exhales]

♪♪

[squeals]

Good morning.

Morning.

You've been busy this morning.

Yeah, it's a muddy mess,

so I figured we should head back early.

Oh, okay.

What can I do to help?

I forgot the pancake mix.

Don't read into that.

♪♪

Well, thanks for the help with the research.

Anytime.

You okay?

I'm just tired.

Shouldn't have gotten the mattress pad.

Mm-Hmm.

Looks like you got company.

I'll see you later, Mercedes.

Okay. Bye.

Hi, Dean.

Hey, Kate.

Want to come in for some coffee?

Is it complimentary?

For people who aren't assholes, it is.

[truck drives off]

Nothing to say about that loud muffler on Miles's truck?

I'm surprised you know what a muffler is.

I'm learning.

I am, too.

I'm really sorry, Kate.

Come on in, then.

Did you spend the night at Miles's house last night?

Are you really asking that?

I'm just making small talk, Kate. I promise.

No judgment.

We were camping.

- Camping? - It was for book research.

And it was really fun.

Writing something different?

Trying to.

Inspiration must be flowing.

It has its moments.

And Miles is the guy that brings this out in you.

He's certainly not hurting things.

So different from me.

Dean, look.

I never had a clue that you had feelings for me.

If I had, I would have done so many things differently.

Like what?

I don't know.

Maybe come over less often.

I'm sorry if I led you to believe otherwise.

No, no.

You were just being yourself.

It's pretty magnetic.

Weird to get a compliment from someone you just rejected.

I think that if you really like him, you need to come clean.

Start by telling him your real name,

and end with the fact that you still live with your ex, Kate.

The longer you wait, the harder it'll be.

But I moved his stuff out, at least.

If he really cares, he'll forgive you.

I'm telling you this as your friend.

So we're still friends?

Only if I can still wear my fancy pants.

Done.

We've been here five minutes. How much longer do you need?

It's a fucking tire. How long can it take?

Just checking the warranty, sir.

If for some reason your tire isn't repairable,

we'd have to...

Whoa, whoa, why can't my tire be repaired?

Well, if there's a puncture in the sidewall,

those aren't fixable, unfortunately,

so we'd have to go in...

What a rip-off! Who's a manager?

I want to talk to them right now.

Bro, who's that chick?

She's a customer service rep.

Perfect. We'll take her.

I'm afraid you don't get to pick.

Yeah, I think we could if we wanted to.

Hey, this isn't ordering a girl off the fucking Internet, moron.

Do you want your fucking tire fixed or not?

Buddy...

Manager. Now.

Just go back to the shop.

I'll let my uncle deal with these guys, okay?

Yeah, why don't you to go back to the shop

and let your boy talk to this out.

What kind of business are you running?

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

What'd that licorice ever do to you?

Nothing.

What's going on with you?

You look ready to rip someone's head off.

Nice dress.

You like it?

So long as you don't twirl in it.

What is wrong with you?

Nothing.

Just some entitled customers getting on my nerves.

Do me a favor and don't go into

the customer comfort center today, okay?

Sure.

Would me going over to yours tonight cheer you up?

Tonight?

After work maybe?

I want to see your house, specifically your garage.

You know, research.

Get our hands dirty.

Fine.

Wow.

Moody's kind of hot on you.

♪♪

Oh my God, Miles.

This is stunning.

1965 Ford pickup.

Got the paint done last month, interior last week.

All she needs now is a new carburetor.

For combustion.

You remember that?

Duh.

The orgasm of the engine.

Well, it might take a while.

I can't find the right one to save my life.

They're pretty rare and expensive.

You said it was your grandpa's?

Looks like it belongs in a Pixar film.

Yeah.

He passed away two years ago.

I'm so sorry to hear that.

He was 77, so he had a solid run.

Thought he was gonna live forever.

Hey, he always kept little candies in the glove box.

You want one?

Uh, no. No.

If those were your grandpa's,

it should stay where they are.

I wish I had it running already.

It was sort of a dying promise I made to him.

Joss always got pissed at me when I worked on this truck.

I feel bad I haven't finished it yet.

Miles.

Look at this thing.

It's art.

And you've already done so much to it.

He would've loved you.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah.

You're real.

You don't put on a show for people.

Everything you say is exactly what you are.

He would've loved your name, too.

Mercedes? Hot cars.

Miles.

Are you sure? Here?

You and classic cars?

Nothing I want more.

No book research. No thinking.

Just us.

♪♪

[sighs]

[groans]

[chattering]

Honey, I'm home.

Oh, shit.

Dryston.

Hi, Katie.

Give us a hug.

Best entrepreneurs in the state of Colorado.

That's right, man.

Dude Are you even listening to me?

Yeah, sorry.

Your uncle wants to you buy him out.

That's fucking awesome.

It's awesome for both of us.

I want you by my side.

Maybe as manager or fucking parts director.

Maybe you can even open that vintage car garage

under the Tire Depot umbrella.

Work on classic cars more often.

Put your granddad's truck in our showroom.

Damn!

We'd have everything under one roof:

Tires, auto repair, antique car restorations.

I get hard just thinking about it.

I guess that wouldn't suck.

Come on, man.

I thought this would cheer you up.

It is. It does.

I'm happy for you.

It's just Mercedes hasn't texted me back in days,

and that's unlike her.

You're pining after your fuck buddy?

She's not a fuck buddy.

Watch how you fucking speak about her.

I'm not joking.

Okay.

But don't let that girl get in your head

and force you to miss out on a great opportunity.

Come on. Let's go celebrate.

[laughing]

Mmm, mm.

Dryston is back.

Shut up.

What did you say?

I told him that his stuff is in storage.

I was changing the locks.

I'll pay him the deposit and that I'm not moving.

Good for you.

You finally got Dryston out of your life for good,

and it was about damn time.

Now I just have to come clean to Miles about my name.

I've been avoiding him until this Dryston stuff got sorted.

Real life is so much more complicated than fiction.

I just want a real life romance.

You got this.

I've got nothing except a full bladder.

I'm going to go pee and get us refills.

Yes, please.

God damn, Katie.

Did you look this good when I left?

Did you follow me here?

I didn't have to. It's your favorite spot.

Oh, this is so typical.

What?

You come crawling into town

and think that you can get whatever you want.

What?

I don't remember your tits looking this good.

I need a refresher.

Don't be a pig, Dryston.

Don't be a bitch, Katie.

Ed, what's up, bro?

Dude, long time, no see. How you been?

Yeah?

Miles, what are you doing here?

Here with my buddy.

What about you?

Oh. I'm here with Kate. What are the odds?

Who's Kate?

I said your stuff is in storage, Dryston.

You can be a real bitch. You know that?

What the fuck did you just call her?

- Excuse you? - Excuse you.

I won't ask again.

This conversation has nothing to do with you, wrench head.

Dryston.

You were the asshole at Tire Depot the other day.

You know this fuckwit, Mercedes?

You think her name is Mercedes?

I was going to tell you everything.

Tell me what? Who the fuck is this guy?

He's no one.

No, no, I just live with you.

This is your gay roommate?

I didn't fuck her like I was gay.

Miles, please let me explain.

Ooh!

Yeah, Katie, why don't you explain?

Why is he calling you Katie?

Because that's her real name, moron.

Mercedes is basically the hooker name

she made up to write those stupid, trashy books.

Call her a fucking name again and you will regret it.

Miles, don't.

No, no. You can have the trashy cunt.

She's not suitable for mixed company anyway.

Oh!

Miles, I can explain.

Don't talk to me.

Miles, I need to explain.

What, Mercedes?

Or is it Katie?

It's Kate.

Explain why I punched a guy in the face

for a girl whose name I don't even know.

I was going to tell you.

After I fell in love with you?

I'm still the same person, Miles.

I am just as much Mercedes as I am Kate.

Then why fucking lie about it?

I don't know. Because of my ex,

I got used to hiding that part of myself.

But with you, I've never had to, not once.

Kate Smith is who I am

when I'm not telling people what I do.

And what happened with your sister,

that's something that's never happened to me before.

You lied to me.

Even when you knew about my past.

You had plenty of chances to open up.

Do you know what a fucking idiot I feel like

for calling you Mercedes all this time?

Every time we had sex...

I'm a joke to you.

You are not a joke.

I am.

I'm sorry.

I got carried away.

I liked you so much.

I've always liked you as more than friends with benefits.

And I thought that I could be this cool,

casual Mercedes with no strings attached,

but the truth is that I am just

plain old, boring Kate Smith,

who is totally falling for you, Miles Hudson.

How can I even trust you?

You're just as bad as my ex.

I'm out, Kate, Mercedes, whoever you are.

You can keep your drama, your lies,

keep living your life as your author name, your real name,

with your boyfriend, your ex-gay boyfriend.

This is officially the end of our story.

It's been two weeks.

Oh, stop. He was upset.

You made him feel like a fool.

He'll get over it.

He's not returning any of my calls.

That's because you haven't made your grand gesture yet.

Grand gesture?

Mm-hmm.

This is really good, Dean.

- Oh, thank you. - What grand gesture?

Kate, you write this stuff. Now you have to live it.

You need to make a grand gesture

that shows your hero that you care deeply.

While you know that you fucked up royally,

you still know him.

You know him and care about him,

and the grandness of this gesture proves it.

Wow, that was a mouthful.

She's right, Kate.

He cares about you, but it's got to be big.

Any ideas?

♪♪

[Lindsay] Yeah, turn here. Turn here.

There's no turn. The map is wrong.

We lost service like 10 minutes ago.

Ugh!

It's literally on 14 percent.

Do we have a charger?

You've got to drive!

[chattering]

[Kate] Yes!

That's it, right there. Right there.

We'll be right here.

You got this.

[phone vibrates]

[Meg] Mom's worried about you.

What?

You haven't emailed in two weeks.

You know you do it like clockwork.

Why are you calling so early?

Is Joss there?

No. Why would you think that?

I don't know.

Mom and I thought you might have gotten back together

and didn't want to tell us.

It's not Joss.

I've been seeing that author girl.

Oh, man. I didn't realize you were seeing her.

I'm not.

I mean, I was, but it's over now.

Why?

Because she lied to me about some shit.

And I'm not bringing that noise back into my life.

Been there, done that.

Don't think that every girl that isn't perfect

is like Jocelyn.

Look, I don't know this girl, but I do know you.

And you sounded so crazy happy that night

you called me to talk about her.

I was.

Dude, I called Mom the very next day

to tell her about how different you sounded.

We were excited.

Seriously?

Yeah, Joss was the worst. You were moody for years.

This girl makes you happy, true or false?

True.

Then sometimes a little noise in your life is a good thing.

When did you get so fucking insightful?

When I started waking up earlier.

Grand gesture.

This can't be from your Caddy.

It's not.

It's the carburetor that Miles needs

to get his grandpa's truck running.

Could you give it to him but not tell him it's from me, please?

Are you kidding me?

This thing cost a shitload of money.

Where'd you find it?

Scottish footballer named Mack

who lives in a creepy house in the mountains.

What?

Anyway, why don't you give it to him yourself?

Because I don't want him back like that.

- Kate. - Yeah?

You know, Miles paid my uncle every single week

you were here, right?

He what?

My uncle owns this place.

And Miles worked out a deal with him

to look the other way when you came in all the time.

Thought I was flying under the radar.

Eh, nah.

Definitely not.

Total book boyfriend moment.

What?

Nothing.

Where's Miles?

Outside stacking tires.

Go put him out of his misery.

Are you sure?

Yes, please, for the love of God, go.

♪♪

What are you doing here?

Do you know what this is?

Looks like a carburetor.

Do you know for what kind of vehicle?

I can't tell from here.

It's a 1965 Ford F100.

Where did you get it?

It's kind of a long, crazy story

that included a rattlesnake.

But I'm hoping it has a great ending.

What kind of ending?

The kind where you let me apologize for lying.

I'm not your ex, Miles.

I am Kate Smith.

From Longmont, Colorado.

Whose ex technically still lived with her

until she changed the locks on him.

Who is not some brave, erotic romance author

who's cool with kink and casual relationships

and using a mechanic for book research.

I am just a girl...

who's been falling in love with a guy

who works at Tire Depot

who would really just like to go home with him

and take a frickin' shower.

I like your ending so much better than mine.

♪♪

Have I just been upgraded

from book boyfriend to real boyfriend?

Yes.

And I can firmly say it was worth the wait, Miles.

[applause]

♪♪

All right.

Here you go.

Thank you, thank you.

- For you. - Yes!

Oh, I love it.

Kate, I hate this picture.

[laughing]

[gasps]

Do you like it?

I love it.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪