Original subtitles

-? Look up there ? -? What do you see? ?

? Nature and stuff ?

-? Like a rock ? -? And a tree ?

? Oh, the Great North ?

? Way up here, you can breathe the air ?

? Catch some fish ?

? Or gaze at a bear ?

? Wow ?

? Oh, the Great North ?

? Here we live, oh, oh ?

? Here we'll stay, oh, whoo ?

? From longest night to longest day ?

? In the Great North. ?

(cheering)

All right, the coast is clear.

No sign of D-A-D, which is G-O-O-D.

Because as we all know, T-O-M-O-R-R--

-All right. -Ugh, enough.

Okay, okay. Ex-nay on the elling-spay.

So, omorrow-tay--

No. No pig Latin, either.

Talk like a normal human man.

Can I do an accent?

The only accents you do

are old British lady and Mario.

It's-a me, the Queen-io.

Is it weird if I give my husband a wedgie?

-Not at all. -Jeez, fine.

Okay, tomorrow is Dad's birthday.

Now, we're just gonna do what we do

for Dad's birthday every year.

Keep it small and simple

because he freakin' hates celebrating his birthday.

Yeah, we don't want him to run away like that year

when he thought we got him balloons.

We'll take Dad to Maude's for dinner,

give him his handmade card, and then return home

to eat the cake that Ham made him.

It's his favorite: a square one, no decorations.

And we'll give him one luxurious yet practical gift:

a heated toilet seat.

Simple and routine.

That's a Beef Tobin hot buns birthday dream.

Boy, I wish he'd let us celebrate.

Can you imagine if he let us really go for it?

Take him to Cancun on a party bus?

Sure, it'd be weeks and weeks of driving,

and constant togetherness in a cramped space.

-Ah. -But...

Oh, no but, that's what I'd love about it!

Well, I am adding one festive touch to Dad's card this year.

I, Dame L'Judy Stench,

found the perfect scented glitter at the art store.

[sniffing] Birthday cake scented glitter?

We've done it. Humanity has peaked.

Someone tell all the scientists to stop working.

It's over. Tell them.

And just a reminder:

it's best not to even mention Dad's birthday.

-Just leave him alone all day, then-- Ahh! -Ahh!

Ahh! Oh. Good morning, everyone.

Breakfast is ready.

I was looking for some more syrup.

Um, why is everyone meeting in the panic room?

Is there a panic I'm unaware of?

Oh, no, Dad. No panic.

We were just meeting in here to, uh...

check out these... shelves.

Mm-hmm. Sturdy!

-Yes, doggie. -What's behind here?

Uh, brackets? Incredible.

Oh, boy, yeah. I could stare at these all day.

I'm a real shelf-hound.

Okay! All done now.

Out, out, out, out, out, out, out, out, out, out!

Hmm.

Birthday cake scented glitter?

Secret meeting in the panic room?

Yesterday, Honeybee was revising her "Ultimate Playlist?"

And Moon asked me if I thought banners were still cool?

Oh, God. This could only mean one thing...

But no, the kids would never throw me a...

surprise party.

Surprise, Dad!

Oh, a party for me?

Dad, you're nude.

-And you're on the toilet. -(gasps)

And now you have to sing.

Sing on the toilet now.

? Mine eyes have seen the glory of the coming of the lord ?

-(laughter) -? He hath loosed the fateful lightning ?

? With his terrible swift sword ?

-? He has trampled down... ? -WOLF: Dad?

-Huh? What? -Uh... you okay?

You were just staring into space

singing "Battle Hymn of the Republic."

Uh, just, um...

Just practicing for Armistice Day, Son.

You can never be too well rehearsed.

Aw. No one told me I had to have a song ready

to sing on Armistice Day.

Good thing I caught you.

You know, I feel like Ke$ha's "Die Young"

might surprise and challenge an audience.

? ?

Oh, no. Gigantic birthday cake?

Oh, oh!

Oh... It's okay, Santiago.

Go ask for another one. You're a man now.

(gasps)

Birthday balloons? Londra, no.

All right, let's go cheer some kids up at the hospital.

-Lot of beer, huh? -Yup. Got a big night coming up.

So much beer. The guest list must be huge.

Mondays are my beer night.

Tuesdays, too. I'll be back tomorrow.

Birthday supplies? Ugh.

It's like every single person in town

is planning to celebrate me.

How depressing.

ENDA: Lone Moose Police Department.

Go for Chief Edna. Over.

-Hey, sis. Over. -Hey, Elba.

Did Mom call you about her sock thief, too? Over.

Yeah, but it turns out it was just stuck

to the top of the dryer again.

I'm actually calling because

I'm coming into town tomorrow

transporting a prisoner

and I'm bringing a cheese and charcuterie plate

for us to enjoy desk-side. Over.

Copy and received, and excited to cheese. Over and out.

(phone ringing)

You got Chief Edna.

Really? Pete the Val-U-Buy Cashier?

Another successful trip to the vitamin store.

I can't wait to cram these into my B-hole.

-That's what I call my mouth when I take my B-12s. -Whoa.

Is Pete the cashier getting arrested?

Looks like he was grilling outside.

Wow, you think you know someone.

Wait, wait, wait. It's not illegal to grill outside.

Actually, my Normally-Right Norma,

cashier Pete is violating our local Attractive Nuisance law.

Attractive nuisance? What's that?

Like when Jeff Goldblum started playing

his jazz piano everywhere?

It means you can't do stuff that attracts bears.

Uh-huh. There's lots of stuff you can do

in the lower 48, but not here, H-Bee.

For instance, it's illegal to drop a moose from an airplane.

So don't even think about it.

Thank you, Moon. Always good to have a reminder.

It's also illegal to whisper

in someone's ear during a moose hunt.

And you know what? There's probably gonna be a lot

of people getting themselves locked up for that one tomorrow.

Oh, right, moose hunting season starts at midnight.

It's easy to remember that because

it always starts on Dad's birthday.

-(gasping) -(tires screeching)

Oh, no!

Which is a day. Tomorrow.

Who cares? The end.

All right, well, the kids are throwing me

a surprise party tomorrow.

Maybe I could live under the house for a week or so.

I've done it before.

Or I could burn the house down.

No. That's a terrible idea.

What if they're not even throwing it here?

(groans) I guess I should just resign myself to my fate.

Sing! Sing! Sing!

? Give my regards to Broadway ?

? Remember me to Herald Square... ?

(laughter)

Ah! There's got to be a way to avoid this altogether.

(moose bellowing)

Hmm.

The moose hunt starts tomorrow.

And this guy is whispering me an idea.

By God, I shouldn't.

I couldn't.

I must.

Morning, Beef.

Surprised to see you out here,

didn't think you were much of a hunter.

(whispering): Hello, Game Warden Burt.

-What'd you say there, Beef? -I said hello.

You're gonna have to bring up your volume.

Is something wrong?

Dammit, Tobin. Whispering during a moose hunt is illegal.

And creepy. I'm stepping away now.

But Burt, hold on, I--

Beef. Stop. Stop following me.

Still whispering.

Ah! Gah! That's it!

Well, sorry, Beef. You're in for 24 hours.

Oh, it's okay, Edna.

No hard feelings.

It's my party

and I'll be in jail if I want to.

ELBA (over radio): Attention Chief Edna.

Chief Elba with an update.

-Copy. Go for Edna. -I'm on my way with the prisoner.

A little late because I swung by the Death Cliff Dairy Queen

to see if the S'mores Shake was in season yet.

It's not, so I'm in a bit of a low spot.

Aw. She'll be back, hon.

Sounds like we're getting another roommate, Beef.

Fun. This must be how it felt

to be one of the friends on TV's Friends.

(giggles) Phoebe will probably stop by any minute

to tell us she's pregnant with her brother's baby.

Wow, you're in a pretty good mood

for someone who's in jail, Beef.

It could always be worse, Edna.

I could be dead, or at a party.

Dad? Dad. It's okay now.

-We're here. We're here, Poppa. -Dad, are you all right?

I'm okay. Look at this nice bench they let you sit on.

How'd you, um... know where I was?

Game Warden Burt called the house.

All right, Edna, let's talk turkey.

What's his bail? A million dollars?

We don't do bail for this kind of thing, Moon.

But I do have to hold him for 24 hours.

That's the law.

Dad, you look at me!

Let me see those beautiful eyes.

I swear on everything that is holy,

on Paul Newman's smile itself,

that I will get you out of here.

Oh, uh, don't worry, Son, I'm perfectly fine in here.

Oh, come on, Dad.

It's your... birthday.

-Ham! -Well, it is.

And he's already in jail, Judy,

his birthday can't hurt him now.

Dad, we can't let you spend your ding-dang birthday alone

in some hellhole surrounded by filth

and the bottom-feeders of society.

-Hey! -Sorry, Pete.

I respect you when you're a cashier at Val-U-Buy,

but right now you are a bottom-feeder.

-Okay. -Edna, what's to say

if I was to accidentally drop this here

five dollars on the ground?

Oops. Clumsy me.

Maybe while you're picking up that free five dollars,

the jail cell mysteriously opens up.

(laughs) Crazy, how'd that happen?

Oh, well, who cares? Not us. Bye.

Wolf, it's against the law to bribe a police officer.

Oh, okay, I get it.

You don't want the money, you want the honey.

Uh, babe, avert your eyes, I'm only doing this for Dad.

Wolf, don't-- Oh, too late, here he goes.

-Is this what you want?! -No.

Then take it! Just take it!

Darg nobbit, this stinks!

This is even worse than the year we let Dad

go to bed without celebrating.

For months after that birthday, I had a recurring nightmare

that Dad started aging backwards and turned into a Dad baby.

I'm not ready to take care of a baby.

I want to start my career.

A birthday is special.

You don't get to see that many of them.

It's like seeing a four-leaf clover or a shooting star.

Or like that Saturday afternoon

when Crispin stopped by wearing a bolo tie.

Oh, the way that scorpion in amber glistened

in the setting sun was... magical.

Time stood still. It had its moment.

And doesn't Dad deserve as much as Crispin's bolo tie?

Ugh, if only we had the power to change

that dang-dumb-ding-dong law.

(gasps) That's it. I'm a genius.

I'm so glad you asked.

The process of changing a law

is a long and arduous but fascinating journey.

-Shall we begin? -Uh-oh.

Allow me to introduce you to my friend, Billy New Law.

Bill, this is the Tobins.

(squeaky voice): I hear you're curious about how I came to be.

-Well, it wasn't the stork. -Oh, no.

Now, I began as an idea in a state senator

or congressperson's head.

And then when I've been voted on and passed

by the Alaskan House of Representatives,

up I go on the stairs of democracy

to the Alaskan Senate.

I thought I loved live theater,

but I'm realizing now that I hate live theater.

Aw. Look at those little legs go!

All right, lunch time, bad boys.

Ooh, curly fries.

I've actually never tried them.

You've never had curly fries?

Nope. Getting something else off my "Nevers List."

Okay, I'll bite. What else is on there?

Never rented a car. Never seen an R-rated movie.

-Never had sex. Never-- -Wait a minute.

You've never had sex?

-Like... at all? -Nope.

But I'm only 37.

Well, you're gonna love it,

but a word of advice: If you own a bedframe

from Brayden's Discount Beds and Stoves,

check your rivets first.

Those things are not built to last.

Thanks for the tip. Mmm. These are delicious.

Well, I sprung for the curly fries

because it's Beef's birthday.

There was no need.

Hate to celebrate your birthday, huh?

-Maybe. -And you... whispered to Burt

so you'd get locked up on purpose

to avoid celebrating it?

Ugh. How did you know?

I'm very familiar

with the criminal mind, Tobin.

The dark nooks and corners

that would make other people sick.

You don't like being the center of attention, is that it?

Correct. Nailed it.

Where's my baby sister police chief?

Uh, where's my big sister police chief?

Oh, boy, what's that smell? You guys keeping pigs in here?

That voice. It can't be.

Cousin Danica?

Surprise. Hello, Beef.

What'd you get locked up for?

Looking like a big Woody from Toy Story who also sucks?

Yes, Danica, that's what I'm in jail for. Correct.

All right, well, let's hit up that charcut.

So, you two know each other?

Yes. She's my cousin who also who once

held my whole family hostage.

It's probably not safe to have her in here with us!

Sorry, Beef, but your cousin's got a court date tomorrow

for robbing the Lone Moose Loan and Trust last year.

And this is the only cell we've got.

Well, hello there. My name is Peter.

Well, hello there, Peter.

(scoffs) What, you don't have any insults for Pete?

Oh, Peter here? Whom I have just met? No. I do not.

However, I will tell you that your face

looks like the volleyball from Castaway.

Still happy you went to jail for your birthday, Beef?

Yep, yep, I'm fine. Very happy.

Well, that did not work.

I guess our father will be in jail forever.

The dreaded day has arrived when I have to contemplate

how to kiss myself good night.

There's only one option left:

a full-scale military-style assault on the jail.

Or what if we try an idea based on

one of my favorite shows, Prison Break?

If we can't break your dad out of jail, maybe...

we can break ourselves in.

-Did it hurt? -What?

When you fell from heaven with that perfect idea?

All right, so you want to break

some Alaskan laws and get into jail?

How about a straightforward blackmail?

I happen to know that Vera's house has three too many gables.

We're thinking more like silly Alaskan laws, Roy.

We don't want to get in real trouble.

Ah. Understood. It just so happens I spent

my last vacation making a very fun, very thorough

Excel spreadsheet of obscure Alaskan regulations.

Let me just grab my laptop.

Oh, and we'll call the cops and let 'em know what's up.

I'll disguise my voice.

(Italian accent): It's-a me, Criminolio!

Okay, crime spree, Lone Moose, today.

Got it. Oh, uh, yes, you do sound very Italian, Wolf.

I-I mean, anonymous tipster.

I just got an "anonymous" tip that a major crime spree

is about to hit Lone Moose.

Roger that, sis. I got this place on lockdown.

All right, gang, looks like it's just--

Ooh, charcuter-me.

Got to hit the little cop's room.

For some reason, those five cups of coffee

and that whole block of cheese are just not

sitting right in my stomach.

All right, lover, while that cop drops a deuce,

we're breaking loose.

Oh, no. Pete?

You're working with her?

Yep. And sorry to drag you into this, Beef.

But hey, maybe you'll have a good time.

ROY: All right, here's a fun one to get us started.

It's illegal to give alcohol to most forms of wildlife,

so all you need to do is find a moose

that's looking to cut loose.

-(siren whoops) -Let me see your hands!

You leave him out of this!

It's me you want! Not him!

I'm... not gonna arrest the moose.

He's a good boy! He's a good boy.

And... ooh, you could get busted for occupying

a travel trailer while it's being towed.

Yoo-hoo!

-Pull over immediately. -You'll never take us alive!

I'm just kidding, pulling over now.

And, believe it or not,

it is a crime to build a snowman

taller than yourself on school property.

You don't want to do this, son.

Think about your family.

That's exactly what I am doing.

No!

Hey!

How did everyone's crimes go?

-MOON: Hello, Chief. -Ah! Moon?

I figured I'd turn myself in.

I think you'll find that slingshot right there

is unlicensed as hell.

WOLF: Hey, Dad.

Party patrol is here, whoop-whoop!

-What the...? Dad's gone! -Oh, no.

While I was peeing, they were fleeing.

Okay, okay, I was pooing, but, you know, that doesn't rhyme,

so you could see why I didn't go with that version.

Wow, Dad broke out of jail

so he wouldn't have to celebrate his birthday?

Deranged. That's fully deranged.

We got to find him.

Uh, I've got some bad news, guys.

I think that Danica escaped and took your dad with her.

-(gasps) -Wait, Danica?

Like Cousin Danica?

Yup, I brought her down here

to stand trial for a local bank robbery.

-But how'd she get out? -Huh.

Ooh, I know that "huh."

You're putting the pieces together, eh, sis?

Yeah, using the dark... uh...

entrails of the criminal mind to make the-- uh...

one bigger entrail...

She must've had an accomplice who was already on the inside.

And we all know Beef didn't want to get out.

So it must've been Pete.

He could've brought anything into the cell.

I didn't search him, 'cause, you know, he's Pete.

-Oh, yeah. -Right. -No, no, I understand.

He's not the smartest coconut on the bush.

So, he helped Danica break out.

But why? Cousin Danica is awful.

Don't you see? Pete must be her late-night snack pack.

Her cabana cub. Her boyfriend.

Aw, yay for Pete.

What? I just want to see him happy.

So you two are actually... involved?

Oh, yeah, big time.

I mean, not the sex part yet,

but that's gonna happen very soon, I think.

-Right, honey? -Uh, yeah, right, the sex part.

Uh, later. After the robbing.

I'll be, uh... very horny.

Normally, I don't like that kind of language,

but I'm just so... sexual right now,

I just can't control myself around you.

Music to my ears. (chuckles)

Okay, here's how this is gonna go down.

Pete, you keep Beef hostage

near the door with the grenade.

Oh, boy, I wish you'd brought a gun like I said.

Sorry, this was all I could steal from my grandpa.

And I'll just put my finger in my pocket like this, I guess.

I had a real gun last time

so I'm pretty sure they'll believe me.

You know, you could've just left me in the cell.

And let you rat us out to the cops? I don't think so.

Besides, I hate you and this is fun for me.

I, uh, think they're gonna figure this out. No offense.

-Shut it! -You keep talking to me.

-You do, sweetie. -Peter!

I didn't bring you along to point things out.

Apologies, my experienced lover.

All right. Let's go!

Okay, everyone on the floor,

-this is a robbery. -(patrons gasping)

Yes, that's it, put the money in that bag.

And you, giant ears, you go get the rest out of the vault.

Pete, I'm not judging

because I haven't had the best taste in women, historically,

but what do you see in her?

Stay down! So I don't have to shoot you

and so I don't have to see your face.

Well, I've written a lot of female inmates

and she's the only one that wrote me back.

So I guess I see that in her.

Please, I have a family.

Ugh, with those teeth?

Must be a real freak show at home.

Plus, as I said, I am a virgin.

And, you know, Danica might not be perfect,

but I'm 37. And this whole virgin thing isn't

gonna be cute anymore once I turn 37 and a half.

So you've never had another opportunity to...

you know... waka waka?

Well, there is this one lady, Wanda.

She works at the seafood counter at Val-U-Buy.

Ack-ack-ack-ack... Quiet down, Peter.

Your nasally voice is giving everyone a headache.

So, me and Wanda, we sort of had a thing.

And she really liked me. But then when the moment arrived,

and she said, "I like you a lot, Pete.

And I would like to make love with you..."

(sighs) I clammed right up.

Because you didn't like the... attention?

Oh, no, I just thought Wanda was so great

and I, well, I don't think I felt like I... deserved it.

I guess I just didn't want to get my hopes up

with someone that really liked me. And that I liked.

Huh. You and I might have more in common

than just extremely unhealthy relationships with Danica.

Oh, you also a virgin?

I have four biological children.

-So, no. -Right, right.

I meant I, uh, I got myself arrested

'cause I thought my kids were throwing me a surprise party

and I thought I just didn't want to be the center of attention.

But I'm realizing that when it comes to my birthday,

I also feel I... I don't deserve it.

When I was a kid, I liked my birthday

and I hoped people would celebrate it.

But they never did celebrate it.

My parents, I mean.

So, somewhere along the line, I resolved myself

never to get my birthday hopes up again.

And so, every year, I don't let anyone celebrate me

'cause I figure if I never get my hopes up, they'll...

well, they'll never get crushed.

Oh, my God, Wanda!

I got to-- Beef, I got to go to her.

And I got to get to my kids.

It's my freakin' birthday.

Hey! What are you two doing over there?

No crying! This is a bank robbery!

Here. I'm going to Wanda. To make love!

-(groans) Give me the bag. -Don't give her the money!

That's just her finger in her pocket!

No, it isn't. Uh...

Bang! Bang!

(grunt, panting)

-Uh-oh. Oh, dang. -Get her, sis!

-(grunting) Ow. -Oh. Oh.

-That was easy. Oh, hey, Beef. -Hi, there.

Mind, uh, setting down the grenade?

Oh, uh, yup, no problem.

-Dad, we're so glad you're okay. -Me, too.

And kids, I can't believe I'm saying this, but...

I had a great talk with Pete

while we were robbing a bank, and I realized that I...

never let you celebrate me

because the little Beef in me--

Ooh, not a good way to say that.

Sorry, the-the small Beef, deep inside me.

Also that. That was actually worse.

Oh, my God, fine. My... my inner child

is afraid I don't deserve to be celebrated.

Because in the past, I've been let down.

On my birthday. Which I actually love.

But about which I... didn't want to get my hopes up.

Dad, that's not okay.

You got to get your friggin' hopes up!

And of course you deserve to be celebrated.

You know what's in that present?

It's a heated toilet seat.

For your big disgusting butt. And you deserve it.

That is both an obscene luxury, and very thoughtful.

And now, children, I am ready for my surprise party!

Let us not keep the guests waiting any longer!

Take me there!

Uh... your what? To what?

Uh, the surprise party you all planned?

Dad, we would never throw you a surprise party.

But what about the birthday cake glitter I found?

And Honeybee updated her "Ultimate Playlist."

And Moon, you asked me if I thought banners were still cool.

I mean, everyone was acting so strangely around me

in town the last few days.

Dad, that glitter was for your card.

And a playlist doesn't stay ultimate if you don't update it.

I was genuinely wondering how you feel

about banners these days.

Well, I still like them very much.

Almost as much as flags.

Now, Dad, what would you think about after Maude's,

we hop on a party bus to Cancun?

BEEF: This party bus, does it need a driver?

Because you know one thing I enjoy doing

is driving long, boring distances on very little sleep.

WOLF: Oh, yeah, the wheel's all yours, birthday boy.

? Bustling city streets, new Internet posts ?

? The sun's rise and fall on the coasts ?

? Things on this blue marble just keep going ?

? On and on, never slowing ?

? But there was one Saturday when the world stopped ?

? When Crispin put on that bolo tie ?

? And said, "Oh, this pops!" ?

? In that moment, all stood still ?

? And we all felt an extraordinary thrill ?

? In unison, a "wow" escaped our lips ?

-Wow! -? We're different than we were before ?

? Since we saw that bolo tie that Crispin ?

? Got at the thrift store. ?

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0