Original subtitles

["Dreams" playing]

- [exhales sharply] - Mush! [whistling]

[Keeley] Now, that's a cup of coffee. It's strong.

Good though.

- I got you something. - [squeals]

- Ooh. I love somethings. - [chuckles]

[squeals] What is this?

Sense and Sensibility. Oh, I love this book.

- I loved the movie more though. - [chuckles]

Wait, is this, like, a first edition or something?

- Yep. And it's signed. - No.

"Keeley, you go girl! Jane Austen."

[both laugh]

Did you destroy a priceless artifact just to make me laugh?

[stammers] One, it wasn't priceless. It was actually very expensive.

Two, I can get very jealous, and I hate the idea of you regifting that.

And three, no, I didn't. That is all her.

And she really wants you to "go girl," so... [chuckling] ...you better go girl.

- Oh, I'll go. Watch me. - [laughs]

Come here. Thank you.

You're welcome.

Hey, Cindy. How are you? Good.

How you doing, brother? You okay?

- Good morning, Faridah. - Oh, morning, Sam.

[sighs] Okay. I have a favor to ask.

- Hmm. - Do we have an open table on Friday night?

[laughing]

Oh, you're being serious? No.

The restaurant is booked for months. The waiting list is a lie we tell people.

O-Okay. We have a very special guest coming, so I need a "Ray Liotta" for one.

[mumbles] I'll take care of it, take care of it.

- [chuckles] You're the best. - [chuckles]

- Okay. Thank you. - [Simi] Oh. Fuck you!

- If you will excuse me. - [Faridah] Mm-hmm.

- Is everything okay in here? - [sighs] I don't know.

- Is everything okay in here? - [staff] Yes, Chef!

- Everything's fine. - So who were you talking to?

- Brinda Barot. - And was she here?

No, poo poo head.

A refugee boat's coming in,

and our home secretary wants to send them away.

- Why would she do that? - Because she's the devil.

- Right? - [staff] Yes, Chef!

Okay, listen. Brinda Barot sucks for sure,

but, Simi, it's way too early to be this angry.

Maybe you should start drinking coffee again. It's better for your heart.

Why are you here?

Is there a photo shoot for Footballer Passion Project Magazine,

- or something? - [chuckles]

No, I just stopped by to make sure everything was okay.

Everything is perfect.

Mm-hmm. What about the spoons?

[inhales deeply, stammers]

[sighs]

They don't match.

Samuel, if the food is good, which it is, no one cares about the spoons.

- Am I right? - [staff] Yes, Chef!

[chuckles]

[inhales sharply] You know, just... My father is coming this weekend.

So-- Fuck. And I just-- [stammers] I want everything to be perfect.

He's coming all the way from Nigeria. [chuckles]

Hmm. If this bitch lets him in.

[theme music playing]

[players chattering]

[Ted] All right, fellas, focus up here.

Right about now, Roy's gonna make things dark...

so that Coach Beard here can shed some light. Coach.

At the 1974 World Cup,

the tiny country of the Netherlands came out of nowhere

and made it all the way to the World Cup Final,

playing the home team, heavily favored Germany.

Those Dutch hippies scored before the Germans even touched the ball.

Yeah, but Holland lost that game.

Correct. But along the way, they won the hearts of fans all around the world

with a style of play-- dare I say, a philosophy-- called Total Football.

Which, coincidentally, Coach dreamed up

in a barbecue-sauce-related hallucination just last week.

[players chattering]

No, it's true. But hey, it's not about me. Go on, keep shining.

The best player on that team

and the godfather of Total Football was this guy.

Can anyone tell me who this is?

That's Tim Robinson from I Think You Should Leave.

No. It is Dutch football legend, Johan Cruyff.

It's pronounced Cruijff.

My apologies. With Total Football,

- Johan Cruijff... - That's it.

...took his small club Ajax to three straight European titles.

Now, he later became a coach, first at Ajax,

and then he took Total Football to Barcelona,

where he won the Spanish championship four years in a row.

Now a central cog of that team was an industrious

but brilliant midfielder named Josep Guardiola.

AKA Pep.

- [players chattering] - [whistles] Look at that head of hair.

God had to take it away

- just to balance things out, you know? - Hmm.

Pep became a coach as well, honing his own version of Total Football

that he took to Barcelona and Bayern Munich,

eventually landing at our great white whale, Manchester City.

[players boo]

Where he briefly coached a very talented young player...

until that beautiful dum-dum quit to go do a reality show.

- [players laugh] - I was robbed!

[all laugh]

Total Football is about constant movement. Players are no longer in set positions.

Defenders are free to attack. Attackers are trusted to defend.

It's about taking risks and supporting each other's choices.

Like when your friend wears something new and outside his comfort zone,

and instead of ignoring it, everybody pays him a compliment.

- [players murmuring in agreement] - By the way, great hat, Ash.

- [players chattering] - [player] Oh, yeah.

- It's pretty sweet. Hmm. - Yeah, it frames his face nicely.

Exactly. Total Football is about letting go of your baggage

and trusting your intuition.

It's jazz. It's Motown. It's Mamet. It's Pinter. It's Einstein.

It's Keurig. It's Gaga!

It's my mother proudly displaying her vibrator on the bedside table!

It's about throwing off the constraints put upon you by society and by yourselves!

We all know football is life.

But a beautiful life...

is Total Football.

[players cheering]

That's good. That's you right there.

- Give it up, that's Coach. - [players chattering]

All right, fellas, we wanted y'all to know

a little bit about the history of Total Football,

because that's what we're gonna start playing here.

- What? No. No, no, no, wait. What? - Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Oi! You turn those frowns upside down 'cause we're fucking doing this.

We're gonna drill it, we're gonna train it and then in a couple of months,

we're taking Total Football to the fucking pitch.

No, actually we're gonna do it this Saturday against Arsenal.

- Well, that's fucking mental. - No, it'll be fine.

- [players clamoring] - Oh, hush your butts!

- [clamoring continues] - Hush your butt! Let's go. come on.

[shushes] No, no, no. Ah, cool it. It's gonna be fine. I don't wanna hear it.

- Let's go, come on! - I hear butts!

Hush your butt, hush your butt, hush your butt. Gotta hush them butts.

Isaac, come on, be a captain. Get that butt hushed.

I don't wanna hear it, Van Damme. Hush your butt.

Oh, Ms. Jones, we have a problem. The-- Oh, no, wait, actually, no, we don't.

Sorry, sort of force of habit or something.

- Um, I'm just dropping this off. - Thank you.

Oh. That's-- That's very lovely. Oh, may I?

Yeah, of course, go.

Oh. I never would've, uh, thought that you liked books.

Uh, I mean, um, that you collect first editions.

Oh, no, I don't. That was a gift from Jack.

Oh, wow. What a very nice gift to receive. From your boss.

She's not really my boss, right? She's helping me execute my vision.

Oh, it must be nice to have such a-- a generous friend that, um,

delivers expensive gifts to your place of work.

No, no. She gave it to me this morning when we had breakfast together.

Coffee. We had, um-- We had a coffee together.

At a coffee shop. But we didn't arrive together.

We came from sep-- separate places, and we met there.

[stammering] She was late actually.

Well, I had a warm yogurt on the tube in my pajamas.

You take the tube in your pajamas?

Yeah, sometimes, yes. When I want to beat the rush.

And, um-- And then I just get changed in the-- in the toilets when I get here.

Ooh. Smart.

- Ms. Jones. - Barbara.

[cell phone chimes]

[typing on computer keyboard]

[text reply alert]

[sighs]

[sighs]

- [typing on computer keyboard] - [text reply alert]

[sighs]

[sighs]

- Hey, Siri. - [Siri] Yes, Wunderkind?

Um, could you set a reminder for tomorrow at 7:00 p.m.

for Nicole's birthday dinner? Thank you.

Okay, your reminder is set for tomorrow at 7:00.

- Siri. - Yes, Wunderkind?

How can you tell if a girl likes you or is just being nice to you?

You can't.

[chattering]

So now I'm starting to get all these subtle, little hints from Jane.

Like, certain magazines left on the coffee table

and always hearing about her friends who are doing it.

Well, marriage is a big commitment, you know?

No, I'm talking about pegging.

Oh. Well, still. [chuckles]

Wait, what magazines?

- Here you go, lads. - Thanks, Mae.

- You okay, Mae? - No.

We win, this place is packed. We lose, it's like this. [sighs]

I actually prefer it. You can finally hear yourself think in here.

Fuck off.

Hmm.

[glasses clink, thud on table]

Hey, Lasso. We wanted to apologize.

- What for? - For getting all soft on you.

Yeah, we humanized you and lost all objectivity.

Main reason why farmers don't name their livestock.

And why we don't learn the names of Baz's brother's girlfriends anymore.

Because he's a male whore.

Exactly. So we're gonna backslide a little bit.

Now what the fuck are you doing to our team, wanker?

- Okay. - [Ted] You-- Well-- N-Now, hold on,

hold on, hold on, Coach. [chuckles]

Well, I tell you what, fellas.

Why don't you come watch training tomorrow? See for yourselves.

We ain't running a chocolate factory or Deutsche Bank.

We got nothing to hide from y'all. See you tomorrow?

Yeah. You will.

- [laughs] - What?

- Should I wear a suit? - I'm definitely gonna take a shower.

- I mean, gotta do that. Yeah, definitely. - Yeah.

Coach, you sure it's smart to invite fans to our practices?

It's their team. We're just borrowing it for a little while. You know?

Anyway... [sighs]

...I guess marriage and pegging aren't really that different.

[Ted] Yeah, it's all about compromise.

["Sometime in the Morning" playing]

- There he is! [chuckles] - God! Sorry.

The hottest coach in the league!

- [chuckles] - Thank you.

I won a lot of money off your lot. So, keep it up. Please.

[chuckles] Table for one?

Um, no, I thought I'd-- Just passing. Uh, is Jade working today? Do you know?

No, she's off Tuesdays. She goes to school.

Or feeds her mum. I don't listen, so I don't really know.

Okay. Well, um, just say that I said hello.

Um... Actually, you know what, don't-- don't say anything. Um...

Actually, no, do. Uh, say, if you, um, uh, y--

No. Just don't say anything. Unless she asks after me.

In which case, just say that I said hello. [chuckles]

- And why would she ask after you? - Exactly. I don't kn--

Um, thank you, uh, Derek.

Thank you. Bye. Um, uh, yes, no, just... [chuckles] Yeah.

[mocking, laughs] All right.

- Hey, Trent. - [Trent] Hello, Ted.

- Hey, Ted! - Hey, fellas!

- [laughs] - [chuckles]

The fuck are they doing here?

I don't know. Ask Beard, he's the one who invited them.

[Ted blows whistle]

All right, my Merry Pranksters.

If we're gonna play Total Football, there are four things we need to focus on.

All right? Number one, conditioning. Y'all gotta get into even better shape.

Number two, versatility. Number three, awareness.

And number four...

I don't know what that one is yet. But I know it's important.

Starting today, we're gonna have to turn things up a notch around here.

So I'ma hand it over to your drill instructor,

Sergeant Roy Kent. [blows raspberry]

Whistle! On your feet, maggots!

[players muttering] Right.

Today you're gonna run from end to end to end to end.

But lucky for you, I'm in a good mood.

So you've only gotta do that for the whole fucking practice.

Whistle.

- Why doesn't he just use a whistle? - He's allergic to metal.

Football stars, they're just like us.

Run!

[players shouting]

You sure you don't want a plastic whistle?

- Hi. - Hi.

- Ooh, cute flowers. - Aw, thanks.

Yeah, daisies are my favorite.

- Huh. And I thought I was. - Wait!

- [mutters, clears throat] - [remote clicks]

Why'd you do that?

- Shit, you're right, yeah. - [remote clicks]

- [gasps, screams] No. Off. On. On? - Keeley. Keeley.

- On or off? Off? On or off? - [clears throat] Keeley. Keeley, s--

- On? On. Do you want it on or off? - Keeley. Keeley. [stammering]

- On or off? Off? On? Off or on? - Stop. Give it-- Give it to me. Thank you.

- What's going on? - I'm sorry.

I am just not built for a secret office romance.

I'm used to everyone knowing everything about me.

Barbara saw the book that you gave me,

and, uh, I didn't think that I could tell her that we were dating,

because I don't want us to get in trouble.

We can't get into trouble 'cause we are two consenting adults.

And I'm get-away-with-murder rich, so...

- Really? - Yeah.

- Like who else? Name names. - Everyone connected to Epstein.

Keeley, I don't care if people in the office know we're dating, do you?

No, of course not. I just didn't know how serious you were about this.

Come with me.

Okay.

Hey, everyone. Uh, quick announcement.

Keeley and I are dating.

And it's-- it's brand-new, but I'm serious about it.

And so both of us just wanted to let you all know so that there were no secrets.

'Cause it's-- it's all good. I'm not crazy. She's not crazy.

You're not crazy, right?

[inhales sharply] Neither of us are crazy.

[chuckles] But, if any of you have any issues or concerns about this at all,

please do not hesitate to come and speak to me or Keeley or Barbara.

Cool?

Cool.

And congratulations, Jack and Keeley.

- Love is love, i-- Right. - No, that's enough, Dan. Thank you.

["Rocks" playing]

[grunting, panting]

[retching]

[retches]

This is some of the best puking I've ever seen.

Yeah, me too. And we spend most of our lives at the pub.

- [whistle blows] - [players panting, groaning]

All right. Nice job, gentlemen. Okay, that's it for today.

Now we scrimmage!

[players groan]

[Rebecca] Honestly, my jacket's still a bit canal-y.

- [Keeley laughing] - It's really bad. Mmm.

Okay, so, you never got his name?

And you never told him yours?

Yeah, see, that part's not that weird to me.

If you really didn't have sex with the guy, now that is fucking bonkers.

Look, what we shared, it just--

It transcended sex. It was...

- Magic. - Gezellig.

But, yeah, I would've liked to have seen his penis.

- [laughs] Oh! It is so good to see you. - Oh, you too. [chuckles]

- It has been way too long. - Hmm.

Because I've lost you to another woman.

- I know. I'm sorry. - Oh, I am joking.

So come on. How's it going?

- Oh, it is great. I mean, she is so cool. - Mmm.

She's smart. [stammers] Super foxy.

- Mmm. - She's an amazing gift-giver.

Oh, my God, and the way she proclaimed our relationship to the entire office.

It was so fucking hot.

Mmm. I think she might be love bombing you.

- She's "love what-ing" me? - Love bombing.

That's when you're bombarded with expensive gifts and trips

and grand gestures of love.

- [chuckles] - They call it love bombing.

- Who does? - I don't know. They do.

Those "they" out there that name stuff.

But what I do know is that on my second date with Rupert--

- Second date... - Hmm.

...he took me to a car showroom and said, "Which one do you want?"

- Oh, I would fucking love that. - Oh. [chuckles]

What did you do?

Well, I asked him if he was referring to the cars or the beautiful saleswomen

suddenly tripping over themselves to help us.

[laughs] And?

I drove home in a bloody lovely Jaguar, of course.

[both chuckling]

It just felt nice to be taken care of for once.

Mmm.

Look,

I'm not saying that Jack is like Rupert.

But sometimes shiny things can tarnish.

I think it's fine.

Okay, good. Good. [inhales deeply]

Just trust yourself.

I ignored so many red flags in my past.

Yeah. Well, maybe we're love blind?

Ooh, love blind. What's that?

It's an emotional version of color blindness where a person interprets

red flags as giant green, just-fucking-go-for-it flags.

[both chuckle]

- Did you come up with that? - Yeah, I did.

Oh, my God. You're one of those "they" that name stuff.

- [gasps] Shit, I think I might be. - I think you might be.

[both laugh]

Oh, sorry, excuse me. Could we get the bill, please? Thank you.

Actually, the bill was already taken care of by Jack.

She said she hopes you both enjoyed your meal.

[gasps] What a massive surprise.

- Wow, yeah. [chuckles] - What? [gasps]

Well, then I think we ought to have some tiramisu. Don't you?

- Definitely. Mm-hmm. - Oh, and, uh, two bottles

of the '34 Château Cheval Blanc Saint-Emilion Premier Grand Cru to go.

And one for yourself. Mmm.

[imitates bomb exploding]

- [Nathan's family laughs] - [Sophia] Happy birthday, Mum.

- [Nicole] Ooh, wow. - [family exclaims]

I love it.

Well, it was my vision, but Uncle Nate made it happen.

- Ah. - She was actually quite specific. So...

[all chuckling]

Thank you, cheeky. Thanks, Nate.

Let's have a look, love. It's lovely.

So, come on.

You're the hottest coach in the Premier League,

which makes me the coolest lawyer in the firm.

Please tell me you're hooking up with girls left and right.

Okay, I-- I don't think this kind of talk is appropriate for a young lady.

- Who wants ice cream? - I do.

Great. Let's go to the corner shop.

Ali, come with us. Let them have their girl talk.

[Maria, Nicole, Lloyd chuckle]

[Lloyd] Come on, love. See you in a little bit.

Bye.

Okay, tell me everything.

Uh, okay. Well, there's this girl I like.

- Uh, she's the hostess at Taste of Athens. - Ooh, mmm.

Uh, she used to hate me, um, but now she--

Well-- Well, I-- [stammers] I don't know.

I've misread signals from women before, but--

I mean, how do you tell if a girl likes you or is just being nice to you?

[both] You can't.

But there is one surefire way to find out.

- Right. - Ask her out.

No, I can't-- No, I can't-- [chuckles] Can't do that. No.

[scoffs] Come on, what is the worst that could happen?

Well, that she laughs in my face and says no.

And that I scurry away, humiliated,

never to be allowed in my favorite restaurant ever again.

So that next time we have some kind of family celebration,

I'll just have to, you know, sit on the pavement outside

eating takeaway fish and chips,

watching you through the window like some Dickensian street urchin.

Oh, my God.

He's just like Dad. You have to show him the map.

No, your father would kill me.

- Show him the map. - What map?

Your father and I went to school together for years,

but I didn't think he even knew I existed, until he gave me this.

"Distance between the places that we were born, 4,125 miles.

Distance between the places that we were raised, 4,230 miles.

Distance between our dorms on campus, 1.3 miles.

Distance between us on Friday night at 8:00 p.m., hopefully one foot.

Would you like to go on a date?"

- [Nathan chuckles] - [Nicole exhales deeply]

Stop waiting, Nathan.

Yes, you could fail and be embarrassed for a second.

But you could also get married, have two wonderful children

- and live happily ever after. - [Nathan chuckles]

[door unlocks, opens]

- Oh, shit. - [Sophia, Lloyd] We're back.

Quick, distract him.

["What Would I Do Without You" playing]

[reporter 1] ...that is carrying a large group of refugees,

including several women and children, who are hoping to claim asylum in the UK.

- What's going on? - [shushes]

[reporter 1] ...in Portsmouth.

[reporter 2] The boat is now kilometers from Portsmouth Harbor,

where its passengers, dozens of refugees, hope to find sanctuary.

Hundreds of supporters await their arrival.

While others, such as Home Secretary Brinda Barot, had this to say.

To anyone attempting to enter our country illegally, I say this.

"Go home. Britain is closed."

[reporter 1] Over the last few days--

- What a stupid idiot. Mmm. - What a piece of shit.

You know, someone needs to send her back to where she came from.

- Her mother's butthole. Right? - [staff] Yes, Chef!

Or somebody could try and speak to the better angels

of this clearly misguided person.

- [Simi] Bitch. - What?

It should say, "Help make Britain better than this bitch."

I-- I think I'll stick with mine.

Yeah.

[pedestrians chattering]

- Hi. - [Jade] Hello there.

[sighs] Nate.

Um, there's something that I wanted to ask you. Um, would you...

Excuse me one m-moment.

So-- So sorry. Sorry.

[door creaks shut]

[breathing shakily]

Actually, there's, uh, one thing I need to do first. Sorry.

Whistle. Whistle. Bring it in.

[players panting, groaning]

[Ted] All right, fellas. How y'all feeling?

[players groan, chatter]

- [retches] - [Ted] Oh.

- Ah. - [Baz chuckles]

Bumbercatch, did you just puke whole Cheerios?

Yes, Coach. I like to eat my breakfast without chewing.

To conserve my energy in case an impending class war breaks out.

Yeah, no, makes sense. I get it. Yeah.

Uh, all right, gentlemen, today we are gonna focus on versatility.

Now, in Total Football, you gotta constantly be asking yourself,

"What does this situation need right now?"

You know, do I need to drop back and replace Jan Maas on defense?

Or-- Or, you know, should I attack like Jamie?

Or, you know, or do I lend Roy here a piece of gum

because his breath smells like dookie?

[chuckles] Completely hypothetical. Don't worry. You're fine, you're fine.

All right? You gotta be able to jump in anywhere at any time.

And the way to do that well is to understand

and appreciate everyone's position and every position's function.

That's why we got our man, Beard, replacing Will today as our kitman.

Yeah. So when we get out here and we scrimmage,

y'all are gonna be swapping positions with someone else. Yeah?

Uh, for example, you know, Isaac, we're gonna move you up to forward.

And Dani, we're gonna drop you back to defense. Got it?

I'm gonna be Dani Rojas?

[stammers] That's right, Isaac. And Dani is gonna be you. Make sense?

We're gonna fuck 'em up, bruv. [breathes heavily]

Ay, Dios mios.

Y'all don't need to do the voices.

- [players] Aw! Come on. - Okay, all right. Y'all can do the voices.

- [players chuckling] Yeah. - [Ted mumbles]

You go ahead, Roy. Help 'em out here.

Roy's gonna be handing out paper that's got someone's name on it.

That's the name of the person you're gonna do the swaparoo with.

- Everybody understand? - [players] Yes, Coach.

All right, good. Coach, I miss anything?

- That's it, baby. Let's go! - All right, let's do it. You heard him.

[blows whistle]

Here we go, boys. Here we go.

- There you go, Coach. - Oh. Thank you, Coach.

Hey, Coach. Uh, there's been a mistake. I got me.

Oh, no, Jamie, that's not a mistake.

We just figured you'd wanna keep doing what you do best for us.

Playing striker and scoring goals, right? [chuckles]

[chuckles] Uh, yeah.

- Yeah, uh, if you want, yeah. - [Ted] Great.

- Okay. - Have fun out there.

[Jamie] Yeah.

[whistles] That is yummy. What is this?

- Water. - Mmm.

- [Thierry] I'm wide. - [players shouting] Let's go! Let's go!

[Thierry grunts]

[Thierry laughs]

Nice try, Van Damme. You tried your best, and we love you.

Baz, what are you doing?

I'm switching positions with Paul.

You know, unwavering positivity.

Nice job with the water bottles, Coach Beard.

You fucking twats!

[sighs] I don't like it. I actually prefer to be me.

[players chattering]

- [whistle blows] - Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold up. Hold up.

Dani. Come on, now. You're a center back, remember?

That ain't your job taking corners. That's what Isaac does now.

- Right. Right, Coach. - [Ted] Isaac, come on, man. You're up.

- [player] All right, Isaac. - Let's go.

- [player] You've got this, bruv. - All right, now.

Coach, I ain't never taken a corner before.

No, I know. That's 'cause you were put into a box, Isaac.

As a ten-year-old little boy with the strength and facial hair of a grown man.

The box of a center back who was never allowed to take a corner kick.

Well, my friend, that box ceases to exist today.

Yeah? Go on.

What do you want me to do?

I don't know. Just kick the hell out of it.

[chuckles] Okay.

[players chattering]

[humming a tune]

- [loud bang] - [cup, saucer clatter]

[exclaims]

- [players murmuring] - [Sam mumbles]

Ow, ho-- hot! Hot tea. Ow.

[Sam laughs]

Just a bit outside.

[Sam exhales sharply, breathes deeply]

[players chattering]

[players chattering]

[chuckles]

Ted. I just want to make sure I have this right.

You're gonna change tactics at this stage in the season

and replace it with a totally new method

that the boys are clearly struggling to understand.

And you think this is a good idea?

Mmm. Well, Trent, the way I see it,

it's kind of like taking a hike with Robert Frost.

It could go either way. Hmm?

[inhales sharply]

- Get the fuck out of my chair. - Yeah, no, of course. Sorry. [grunts]

["Shoegaze" playing]

[people on street chattering]

[Keeley chuckles]

[gasps] Oh, my God.

Okay, Greyhounds. Today we're talking about number three, awareness.

When you play Total Football,

you gotta know what your teammates are doing at all times.

Constant movement requires constant concentration, yeah?

So if Sam makes a run through the center, y'all gotta shift, right?

And if Dani moves back on defense, that means what?

- Hell has frozen over? - [players chuckling]

No, it means you've gotta move up

- and support Dani's choice. - [players mumble]

Okay, any questions so far?

Uh, yeah, Coach. What's with the red string?

[Ted] Ah, great question.

In Japanese culture, they have a myth where they believe

that all soulmates are connected by an invisible red string.

And those strings are attached to each of their little fingers. Hmm?

Okay, so why is it tied around our dicks?

[players muttering] Yeah.

Yeah. Well, you know, that was Roy's idea.

Uh, but I'm pretty sure the thought behind it is that

it is nearly impossible to not be fully aware of what your teammate's doing

when y'all got a rope tied around your dingdong.

Am I right about that, Roy?

Yeah. Something like that.

Okay, great. Uh, yeah.

So we gonna get after this right now, gonna do a full scrimmage at half speed.

And I don't wanna see them strings get too loose.

And I'll leave it up to y'all to make sure they don't get too tight.

- Do not leave my side. - [Sam chuckles]

Shall we? [blows whistle]

[Coach Beard] "Dicks" on three. One, two, three.

- [players] Dicks. - Come on, let's move.

- [chuckles] - ["Centerfield" playing]

Figure it out! This is what we're doing.

- [laughing] - [players groaning, chattering]

[players shouting]

[player] Ow, ow, ow, ow.

- [Jamie] Fucking hell. Look at me, man. - [player] Ow! [groans]

I'm attacking. I'm attacking.

[Colin] I'm defending. I'm defending.

Whoa. [stammers] Ja-- Ja-- Jan! Jan, Jan, Jan, Jan, Jan, Jan!

Look what Kent gave me. In case we wanted to--

- No. - No fucking way.

[player shrieks]

- You wanna give him a little space, Dani. - Sorry, Coach, I am too scared.

Bro, do you wanna...

[chattering, exclaims]

[gasps]

- [Paul chuckles] - [spectators] Ooh.

[gasps]

[breathing shakily]

- It's okay. His penis is okay. - [sighing]

- [player] Oh, my God. - [sighing]

[player] I thought I just ripped Jamie's knob off.

[whistle blows]

- [players groan] - Ooh.

[Roy chuckling]

Oh. I'm sorry. I'm sorry about that.

- Okay. - [Trent sighs]

[players chattering]

[players chattering]

[Sam clicks tongue]

[players chattering, laughing]

[sighs]

[chuckles]

["You've Really Got a Hold on Me" playing]

[squeals] Hi!

Hi. [kisses]

Oh, sorry that I am late.

I'm in no rush. I got you something.

I don't want it.

Sorry.

I'm sure whatever it is, it is incredibly thoughtful and mind-blowingly generous.

But I don't want it.

- Keeley, I just got you a-- - No, I don't even wanna know what it is.

No. I just wanna hang out one time

where it doesn't feel like you're sweeping me off my feet.

Okay. Sorry for sweeping you off your feet.

No. Hey, I didn't mean--

No, no. It's okay. I get it. It's, uh, absolutely what I'm doing.

I'm coming on too fast or too strong, I'm-- I'm sorry. I'll back off.

- But just a little bit. - [chuckles]

It was a croissant. I got you a croissant.

- Oh. [chuckles] - [chuckles]

Oi. You're incredible.

But you've gotta let me do something for you every once in a while.

Deal.

Thank you.

But it better be fucking amazing. [chuckles]

It's the last one, I s-- I swear.

Verdict?

It's a really, really good croissant.

[chuckles]

[car horn honks]

[grunts]

- [grunts] - [gasps]

[sighs]

[gasps]

Would you like to go on a date with me?

Yes.

Good. Good.

There wasn't anything alive in there, was there?

Oh, no. No, no. [chuckles] No, not at all.

If you say so.

[glass crunches]

["Doomed" playing]

[glass crunching underfoot]

[cutlery clatters]

- [laughs] - [players chattering]

There you go, sir.

[grunts, strains]

I've given this a lot of thought.

Next time we do this drill, we tie multiple guys' dicks to one guy's dick.

Yeah?

That was a one-shot deal, Roy.

Yeah, I'm pretty sure we cooked that whole bird already, Coach.

Huh. Shame.

- So, Ted. - Hmm?

- This number four. - Yes, sir.

- You haven't said what it is yet. - No, ma'am.

- But you know what it is? - I don't actually. Mm-mmm.

- What about you, Coach? - I'm agnostic.

- Mm-hmm. Roy? - I don't fucking know.

Number four has yet to reveal itself.

There is no number four?

Like the man once said,

"Sometimes you gotta leave space to let God walk into the room."

Ah. So, number four is God?

Oh, no. I don't think so. Coach?

- I'm an atheist. - Mm-hmm. Roy?

- I fucking hope not. - Mmm.

- [players chattering] - [door opens]

[Isaac] Oi, man, you're ten minutes late, yeah? That's gonna be a hundo, all right?

The fuck's wrong with you?

I'll tell you what's wrong.

The world is full of evil people who do shitty things.

But I can't deal with that because I have to kick a little ball around.

[breathing heavily]

W-Which those same people love me for!

That is until I fuck up or-- or I miss a penalty.

Or-- Or-- Or I-- I decide to fight back... [stammers]

...and then they're just gonna wanna ship me back wherever I fucking came from.

- [Sam's father] Samuel! - [Sam breathing shakily]

[crying]

It's okay.

You know, I still want to go see it.

No. No, no, no. I-- I can't take you there.

No. Not the way it looks now.

Do you know how long it will take you to reopen?

I don't know if I will.

- Samuel. - What?

W-Why? For who? Just so somebody can go and trash it again.

You do it for yourself.

For your friend Simi.

For all those people who want a taste of home when they are away.

Follow your heart, Samuel.

Anger will only weaken you.

Yeah. Okay.

But if you really want to piss off the people who did this,

forgive them.

What?

Forgive them. [whistles, splutters] Big whoop.

- Big whoop? - Big whoop. [whistles, splutters]

[Sam chuckles]

My son, listen to me.

Don't fight back. Fight forward.

[Sam chuckles]

- Thank you, Daddy. - [grunts]

- [Sam's father chuckles, sighs] - [Sam chuckles]

Do you think I should invest in security cameras?

- Hell yes. And gates. - [sighs]

- [chuckles] - Please tell me you have insurance.

I have insurance.

[sighs] Thank God. Otherwise, your mother would have killed me.

- Ooh. [chuckles] - [laughs]

- [Sam] Are you gonna have any trouble? - [Sam's father] No. Insurance!

[both chuckle]

Hey. I'm sorry to interrupt y'all.

Um, Sam, we're getting ready to start out there.

But, you know, if you wanna sit out today, I totally understand.

- Thank you, Coach. - No, he's going to practice.

- Okay. Well, you better go change then. - I'm getting ready to change.

Uh-huh. Okay. [chuckles]

It's really nice to finally meet you, sir.

- You too. - [chuckles]

You know, I almost wore that exact same thing today.

- [laughs] Funny guy. Funny guy. [laughs] - [chuckles]

- Hey, you like American candy? - Who doesn't?

Yeah. Come on. It's got that bad sugar.

- Yeah. High-fructose corn syrup. - That's too many words. I say "bad sugar."

["Alright" playing]

[players chattering]

[crowd cheering]

At the beginning, Rupert bought me so many tulips for so long,

- his florist was able to buy a castle. - What?

I mean, it was in Scunthorpe, but still. A castle.

[scoffs]

- Well, I'm taking Jack out tonight. - Mmm.

And if she tries to pay, then I will give her--

You'll give her what?

Just the tip?

[both chuckle]

- Hello, everyone. - Hello, Leslie.

May I present...

Mr. Obisanya. Ah.

Rebecca Welton. Lovely to finally meet you.

Likewise. Samuel has told me so much about you.

[clicks tongue] Has he?

Yes. He-- He has.

Cool.

[stammers]

Oh, yeah! Come on, you Greyhounds!

- [Keeley] Whoo! - Let's go Richmond! [chuckles]

- I'm Keeley, by the way. Hi. - [chuckles]

Hey. Let's-- Let's go, Greyhounds.

- [Rebecca cheers] - [Keeley] Come on.

- Bumber! Bumber! Shot! - [Bumbercatch] Push, man!

Bumber! No.

Richmond have been mired in a run of poor form,

and you have to applaud Ted Lasso's efforts to try something new. But this--

What's the word I'm looking for, Chris?

"Sucks," Arlo. The word is "sucks."

[Arlo] It's like they've never played the sport before.

[grunts]

[Arlo] Good grief, they're tackling themselves now.

With Richmond literally running into each other,

the Gunners mount a counterattack.

Here's a through ball to Parslow. Parslow over to Hamilton...

- [crowd cheers] - [Arlo] And he's there!

Hamilton has his hat trick, and Arsenal leads 3-nil.

- Fuck! - [crowd cheering]

[player cheers]

Okay.

It's all right.

- [Mae sighs] - [crowd cheering on TV]

[Mae stammers]

[groans] It's over. We're gonna get relegated again,

and I'm gonna have to go back to filling the sausages with cardboard.

- Patience, Mae. - [Mae sighs]

Just need to give it some time.

Ask yourself, what does this situation need?

[whistle blows]

[Arlo] And at the half, Arsenal have a three-goal lead,

and Richmond have plenty to talk about.

[Chris] Yeah, with fun conversation starters like, "Why are we so bad?"

or "Should we just go home?"

[players chattering]

Jamie, you keep floating back, mate.

You gotta stay up front.

We need you to stretch the defense.

- We need you to score a fucking goal. - [clamoring]

[Jamie] But how can we when we can't see anyone out there.

There's no shame in going back to the good old 4-4-2.

Until we've had more time to properly train.

- Make you look like a prick. - [players chattering]

[Isaac] For fuck's sake. What's the matter with you anyway?

Hey, fellas. Lis-- Listen up here.

[chattering stops]

Well, I remember back in the early days of my coaching career,

feeling compelled to express my individuality.

Since I was a straight fella in Middle America working in sports

and I was scared of tattoo needles,

the only real option for me to do so was through my facial hair.

And, uh, obviously I couldn't grow a beard.

Otherwise, Coach and I here would, uh, look like a ZZ Top cover band.

- Would've been called "Sharp Dressed Men." - Ooh, that's nice.

God, I hate what you've fucking done to me.

Luckily, around that time there was this quartet of stand-up comedians

known as the Blue Collar Comedy Tour.

And along with their observational humor, fun banter and numerous catchphrases,

they also possessed the four most common types of facial hair.

Now, Ron White, who was my favorite, he was clean-shaven.

That's one way to go.

But then you had Larry the Cable Guy, and he had himself a big old, bushy goatee.

[stammers] And Bill Engvall, he also had a goatee actually.

But it was, um, you know, smaller and, uh, more manicured.

Not touching the sides here.

- Also known as a Vandyke. - [Ted] Thank you, Coach.

And then you had Jeff Foxworthy of course, who, uh, had a mustache.

So, check it out. I went ahead and rolled the dice

and grew myself one of them big, bushy Cable Guy goatees.

And I thought I looked great.

Until Coach Beard here took me aside,

right as I was about to walk down the aisle,

and told me something I needed to hear. Remember what you said to me?

"Your goatee makes it look like you ate out bigfoot's butthole."

That's right.

- AKA "ass-squatch." - You're on fire.

- Make it stop. - [Ted] No, no.

Coach was right though. Not a good look. Not on this face.

So I shaved that puppy down right into a Foxworthy, and I never looked back.

Point is, a lot of times

the right idea is just sitting behind a couple of the wrong ones.

- Yeah? - [Jamie] Hmm. [clears throats]

You got something you wanna say, Jamie?

- Uh, I mean, yeah. But... [chuckles] - Great. Let us have it.

Well... [sighs] ...I don't want people to think I'm being a prick if I say it.

[Jamie] Ah.

Okay. Well, then.

I ain't doing it wrong.

- You're doing it wrong. - Whoa!

[players clamoring]

I mean-- I mean-- No, I mean, I think we're all doing it wrong.

[stammers] If we want this to work,

you gotta stop going to me and start playing through me. You get me?

Uh, look. Just look. Look.

- Can I? Do you mind if I-- Right. - Yeah, of course.

So look, I sh-- I shouldn't be here. I shouldn't be playing forward.

I should be here, in the center.

I should be here, right? Let Dani go up front.

Move Colin over there. Richard there.

So, stop going to me, right? And start going through me. All right?

That's Total Football.

How's that sound to y'all?

- [Sam] That actually-- actually works. - [players murmuring]

And there it is. Número cuatro. Sacrifice.

Putting aside personal glory on behalf of the team.

Ooh. I like that. But that ain't number four.

- Let's bring it in! Come on. - Let's go for "four" on three.

- One, two, three-- - [players] Four! [cheering]

[Arlo] The Greyhounds still 3-nil down, in this second half.

They need something, and they need it soon.

Arsenal's cross, easy for Van Damme. And Van Damme out to Jan Maas.

Here we go.

[Arlo] Here's Dixon. Infield to Tartt.

Tartt to Obisanya. Over to Hughes.

Tartt again.

- To McAdoo in the midfield. - Oh.

- Ooh. - [Arlo] Over to Rojas.

Rojas drops it back to Tartt.

Who sends a long ball down to Bumbercatch.

- Huh? - [Arlo] Bumbercatch to Goodman.

- Goodman over to Tartt... - Yeah.

- [Rebecca gasps] - [Arlo] ...in the box.

Old Tartt with the back heel.

- And Montlaur is there to hammer it in! - [crowd cheering]

[Rebecca screams]

That was bloody gorgeous!

A majestic, sweeping symphony of a goal with Tartt in the role of conductor.

- [players cheering] - Hey! All right!

- That's it right there. - There we go. There we go!

[Keeley] Whoo!

- [chuckling] - Whoo!

[Arlo] Arsenal prevails 3-1.

But for the first time in weeks, the Greyhounds are showing signs of life.

[panting] Ted.

It's going to work.

- Great. What is? - [pants] Total football.

- Okay. Why? - And I'll tell you why.

The Lasso way.

- You haven't switched tactics in a week. - I haven't?

- No. You've done this over three seasons. - I have?

Yes. By slowly but surely building a club-wide culture of trust and support

through thousands of imperceptible moments,

all leading to their inevitable conclusion.

- Total Football. - Well, how about that.

[exclaims] It's gonna work.

Doesn't even matter what number four is. [pants]

What a fucking dork.

Yeah. But he's our dork.

[groans]

Hmm.

["Find Someone Like You" playing]

[exhales deeply]

[sniffs]

- Hey.

- Hi. - All right to sit?

Oh, of course. Yeah, um, take a seat.

- [chuckles] - [Jade] Thank you.

Wow. Uh, you look great. Thank you for coming. [chuckles]

- Thank you for coming? [chuckles] - You know...

[Jade] Did you think I was gonna stand you up?

No, no, no. Um, do you want a drink? Sorry, I ordered.

- [Jade] No, that's fine. - [chuckles] Just got nervous. Um...

[Derek] Please. Here we are, and there you go.

Best table in the house. [chuckles] As requested.

[Jack, Keeley chuckle]

- You little love bomber. [chuckles] - [imitates explosion]

I know it's not the outcome you wanted,

but I'm very proud of the way you and your team played today.

Thanks, Dad.

Ah. And I met Rebecca.

- Oh, no. Did you make things weird? - Yes.

[both chuckle]

[Sam's father sighs]

[Sam sighs]

- Do you want to go and see the restaurant? - I would love to.

- I don't know, Dad, I wish-- - [sighs]

I wish you could've seen it when it was done up. It was perfect.

This looks nice.

- Daddy, it's not the same. - It isn't so bad.

Yo, look who's here.

- Oh! - Hey.

Ah, the surprise is ruined.

What are you guys doing here?

Well, we all just asked ourselves, "What does this situation need?"

And we thought your situation needed us.

Yeah, got my cousin to fix your window this morning.

Didn't get a discount though, 'cause he's a prick.

[players chuckle]

And I brought some cases of wine from my personal cellar.

Not the best stuff obviously, but still very, very good.

And Bumbercatch is trying to fix your sign.

Neon signs are just a bunch of illuminated, gas-discharge tubes.

So I thought I'd give it a shot. Screwdriver.

[sighs] Guys, this is incredible. H-Honestly.

Thank you all so very much.

- Aw, we got you, man. - No worries.

- Great work, Van Damme. - Simi.

Sam.

Oh, my God.

- Was this your idea? - No, they called me.

- It's amazing, right? - It's-- It's-- [sighs]

Oh! Uh, there's somebody I'd love for you to meet.

- Okay. - Simi, this is my father.

So very nice to meet you, Simi. Sam has told me so much about you.

- Hmm. Has he? - Yes, he has.

[Sam stammers]

Well, it's lovely to meet you too, Mr. Obisanya.

No, no, no, no, no. My father was Mr. Obisanya. Call me Ola.

- [light bulb buzzes] - [Bumbercatch] Whoo! [laughs]

[players cheering, laughing]

Oh. Uh, don't worry. I'll order the new mirrors on Monday.

No. No. Let's keep them.

I think they serve as a good reminder that everything doesn't have to be perfect.

And if the food is good, who cares about the mirrors?

Exactly.

Speaking of, who's hungry?

[players] Yes!

- Good. So I will cook you all dinner. - [players cheering]

Sam, Simi, follow me.

[both] Yes, Chef! [chuckle]

- ["Enjoy" playing] - [all chattering]

[all cheering]

Apps are up.

- Come on, let me help you, child. [laughs] - [Sam laughing]

[Sam's father exclaiming]

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