Original subtitles

[ Man ] "D."

"N."

"A."

D.N.A.

We would not be returning him to you in the form of a rather large pizza.

It's just your Donald Duck. Donald Duck, indeed.

It's been our luck tonight having you on the show.

Ladies and gentlemen, Richard E. Grant. Thanks, mate.

Well, what can I say about my last guest? They don't come bigger than this.

This kid was an unknown on the Royal Command Performance,

and I was honored to host it.

Headlining that night was the great Tony Bennett,

who sneaked in the wings to watch this boy perform.

He said, "He's magnificent. Frank must hear about him."

The Frank he meant, was, of course, Sinatra.

And Tony, true to his words, took the lad back to Las Vegas...

where America opened its arms to him.

Sinatra went to see him perform,

and said, "This is the prince who will wear my crown."

It's a pleasure to have him home. Will you please welcome Toni Cocozza!

[ Applause ]

[ Man ] Toni!

Sorry, son.

Sorry, boys, in you go.

Tickets here, son.

Sorry.

No charge.

Hoi.

Fags. It's my last.

See us a fag, doll.

Sure.

Are they all right? Having a ball.

♪ We're on the road to romance ♪

♪ That's safe to say ♪

♪ But let's make all the stops ♪

♪ Along the way ♪

♪ The problem now of course is ♪

♪ To simply hold your horses ♪

♪ To rush would be ♪

♪ A crime ♪

♪ 'Cause nice and easy does it ♪

♪ Nice and easy does it ♪

♪ Nice and easy does it ♪

♪ Every time ♪♪

♪♪ [ Keyboard ]

[ Applause ]

[ Static Feedback ] Sorry 'bout that. [ Chuckles ]

Ladies and gentlemen, thank you very much. You're very kind.

[ Chattering Indistinct ]

No, really.

But do please stick around, 'cause we'll be back...

with more swinging sounds very, very soon.

[ Man ] Toni, come here a minute. I'm on my break!

Get your arse over here.

You've got a request.

This is a joke, right? I don't do this kind of stuff.

"Toni Cocozza is Strictly Sinatra," right? Strictly Sinatra.

Can't start doing this kind of garbage. Better think about this one.

I had it in my pile back there. We used to do it in "Spangles."

He's no even a real singer. He's a chancer.

No. No, no. Tell them, "Too bad, and very sorry" and all that.

But I wouldn't waste my breath on it. Do you see who it's from?

♪ Then one night in desperation the young man breaks away ♪

♪ He buys a gun and steals a car ♪

♪ Tries to run away but he don't get far ♪

♪ And his mama cries ♪

♪ As a crowd gathers 'round an angry young man face down in the street ♪

♪ With a gun in his hand in the ghetto ♪

♪ In the ghetto ♪

♪ And as her young man dies ♪

♪ On a cold and gray Chicago mornin' ♪

♪ Another little baby child is born ♪

♪ In the ghetto ♪

♪ And his mama cries ♪♪

Did you spot them? Do I know what gangsters look like?

Christ, you cannae miss them! They got big scars and hellish teeth!

You've got a fan.

[ Male Singer ] ♪ And I'm being good ♪

- You all right? - Smashing, smashing. Thanks. I've got my health.

And when you've got your health, you've got your health, haven't you?

I'm Dainty. Very pleased to meet you, Dainty.

You having a wee night? Aye, and we're having a rare time.

We fair enjoyed your show. And he's no easy pleased.

Thanks for coming. He's quite taken with you.

- Thank you. - And so am I.

But that song always reduces him to tears.

- We just wanted to say thanks. - Anytime.

Mr. Vegas enjoyed you as well.

[ Toni ] Mr. Vegas?

- He was there near a year. - Las Vegas?

Tell him about it. He saw them all. Didn't you?

Bobby Darren, Dean Martin, the wee darkie.

Boys.

We're going to the casino. You fancy the casino? Um, I don't know.

You should come down. Casino. You'll get in for nothing.

I've got stuff to pack up. Offer's there if you want it.

♪ And I'd love to be with you ♪

♪ If only I could ♪

♪ One day while I was not at home-- ♪♪

Excuse me. Have one of my tapes.

Toni Cocozza. "Strictly Sinatra."

Thanks, son.

Um... mister--

Chisholm.

What was it like, Las Vegas?

Fuckin' roastin'.

Did you ever see--

Sinatra? Oh, aye. I met big Frank a few times.

You met him? You met Frank Sinatra?

Your name will be on the door.

Don't sup with 'em.

Don't take a drink from them! You hear me?

You take a drink from them, and they've got you.

Bill, relax.

Leave it, son, eh? Come on.

Early start tomorrow. Supermarket day.

I know. Have I ever let you down before?

No. I'm not likely to start now, am I?

[ Male Singer ] ♪ Sleep like a baby ♪

♪ My little lady ♪

♪ Dream till the sunrise ♪

♪ Creeps into your eyes ♪

♪ Dream till the sunrise ♪

♪ Turns on the day ♪

♪ In the avenues and alleyways ♪

♪ While you sleep there's a whole world coming alive ♪

♪♪ [ Continues ] Get you something, sir?

What are all these?

Turkish, French, Gauloises, Camels, Conquistadors,

Lucky Strikes, Tomahawk Falls, Marlboro this, Marlboro that.

You name it, we've got it.

Incredible. Amazing. The wonderful world of cigarettes.

Breathtaking. And I've been thinking about giving up.

And cigars as well!

Cubans, Havanas, all kinds of big, fat cigars...

so you can snuff it looking like a Marx brother.

You don't look like a smoker.

What do smokers look like? Me.

You smoke? But I'm gonna give up.

Soon. And if I can give up, you can give up.

You gonna give it a try? Soon, yeah.

We could give up together. How 'bout that?

Not today, though.

Fair enough. Day at a time.

So, what can I get you from the tray of death?

A pack of those.

I'll get your change.

On the house, sir.

- Sorry? - No charge.

Oh. Thanks very much.

This way.

We've heard all about you. You're the next big thing.

[ Laughing ]

That's what they are sayin'.

This is Toni Cocozza, the singer.

You're a class act. A pleasure to meet you.

Toni Cocozza, the next big thing!

[ Male Singer ] ♪ Hold me to you ♪

♪ And I'll never ♪

♪ Never ever let you go ♪

♪ Never let you go ♪

♪ I made a vow ♪

♪ To love only you-- ♪♪

Hey. Sorry?

Sorry. I thought you were somebody else. Apologies.

Spare any change?

Should you not be at school?

Here. Away and get out of the cold. You hear me?

Poof.

There were bowls of nuts everywhere.

And the thing is, you take a handful, a big handful,

you turn your back, you're chatting away, you're munching away.

When you turn around again, the bowl was full.

They weren't salted, Bill, they were honeyed. Honeyed!

Fingers. Fish.

You can get they nuts in here.

No, you cannae. I've seen them.

Not the same kind. Some night.

You know what those people are, Toni? Good company.

A bit rough and ready, but who cares?

Your father would be horrified. Here we go!

Promise me you'll keep away from them, son.

I'll tell you what they are.

Fans. That's all!

And you know what? They actually made me feel like somebody.

You're somebody already.

No 'round here. People are fond of you.

People are fond of pies. You don't see many of them on Broadway.

And is that being somebody? What do you think?

I think you're no seein'. People hold you in a certain regard.

[ Man ] Excuse me. Excuse me.

Are you Toni Cocozza?

Me?

Yeah, I am, actually. How you doin'?

I found your mitts in the car park.

Your name was on them.

Thanks.

[ Male Singer ] ♪ You're nobody till somebody loves you ♪

Aye. Aye.

♪ You're nobody till somebody cares ♪

♪ You may be king ♪

♪ You may possess-- ♪♪

There's a talent show.

I knew you were leadin' up to something.

On television. The Big "T." I knew it!

What's that? It's what you see lookin' at me.

Talent. "Only those with the big 'T' need apply."

Is it no just amateur crap?

Apparently they'll take professional crap as well.

I dug out all this stuff last night.

And I hardly used half of it.

I'm gonna send 'em a tape.

Will you help me?

If I get an audition, will you play for me?

I know how you feel about where you are.

But... that's a hard game, son. It can give you a hell of a lot of knocks.

I know, but I wanna give it a go again.

I don't wanna spend the rest of my days lookin' out this window watching the world go by.

I want to be part of it, Bill.

I want to be somebody.

All right.

You're a star, Mr. "C."

This is goin' in the post today.

As for these, this is the age of the publicity blitz.

And Toni Cocozza is about to join it.

[ Male Singer ] ♪ Oh, oh, oh it's magic You know ♪

It's you! The guy with the hair.

Aye, that's right. Toni. Toni Cocozza.

This is you as well. Aye, sure is.

You're on the stage.

Wow. That's fantastic. What do you do?

What do you think?

Are you a magician? No.

Are you a funnyman?

Do I look funny?

Are you meant to? I'm a vocalist.

I love all that! What's the name of your dummy?

[ Woman ] No way!

You actually get up on stage and give it with the "doobey-doobey-do" stuff?

This I've got to see!

Can I come? Oh, we'll sort something out.

Irene. Irene.

I love all the Sinatra stuff. It's like another world, isn't it?

It's all there for them who choose.

Do you wear a tuxedo? Couldn't step onstage without it.

See, that's classy!

I like a tuxedo. I've got pictures of my folks out with their friends.

All the men are in tuxedos, and the women are all in their best gear.

I've got pictures like that. They've gone to some big do, something special.

They push the boat out. That's right.

There's a pack of them. They look like movie stars. Well--

Some of them. "B" movies.

[ Chuckles ] It's funny. There's always one couple that looks good,

and there's always a couple with the woman with a slightly embarrassed face...

because her husband-- Pulls a big, stupid face.

Yes! That'd be me.

I've always wanted to have a night like that.

I've spent a lifetime trying.

Just do it. I don't care about that. Just fucking do it!

How you doin'? [ Toni ] Fine, thank you.

Toni Cocozza. I know.

What you having? I'm fine just now. Thanks.

Come on in. Sit yourself down.

You enjoy yourself the other night? Aye, I did.

Thanks very much. Old Connolly's very taken with you.

And Dainty. Very taken. That's nice.

Sit down, sit down.

You're not unlike him, you know.

Who? Mr. Sinatra.

You both be from the same kind of background-- close to your family.

Aye. My mother died when I was wee.

My father, it'll be a year now.

Hard.

A great loss.

First time I saw Frank Sinatra, he was wearing a gray suit.

Single-breasted. High-waist trousers, four pleats.

There was something about it I cannae describe. It was--

It was like-- It was like it was shiny, but not that shit shiny.

It was like-- It had a sheen.

It had a sheen.

- Could not see his face. He was wearin' a hat. - Aye, snap brim.

Pulled a pack of cigarettes from his pocket. Lit one, looked up.

Then he said, "You want one?"

His voice was cracked, cool.

"Sure," I said.

He handed me the snout, and looked straight at me.

And he had the... clearest blue eyes I've ever seen.

They were like the summer sky...

reflected in a mountain stream.

Crystal clear.

And at that moment, I felt...

like I was a guy in Ancient Rome.

Because I was in the presence...

of a god.

[ Cell Phone Ringing ]

What?

No!

He's hopeless, useless.

I'm tellin' ya, I'm tellin' ya! Are you deaf?

Got you a shot.

Bourbon on the rocks.

You know, I don't drink spirits.

Will you no take a drink off me?

Hmm? Come on, let me buy you a drink.

Cheers.

Cheers.

Toni, will you do something for me?

[ Shouting ]

[ Chattering ]

[ Man Chattering ]

Stop trying to do it so fast.

Easy, easy, easy.

Wait, wait, wait.

Right. Very simple. Don't poke about in them, okay?

Don't let anybody else poke about in them, right?

Or I'll let him poke about in you.

Just keep them here until I tell you otherwise, and keep your mouth shut.

Got it?

[ Man ] Right, hen, on your way.

Come on now, don't make any more trouble for yourself.

- Leave me be! - Irene!

I'm sacked. What?

I'm sacked! They've given my job to somebody else. He can't do that.

He's the manager. He can do what he wants.

What's he done that for? Says I've jinxed the ciggies.

Says sales have plummeted since I picked up the tray. I must have alcohol!

He's got a whole pile of names for me.

"Stick Insect," on account of my weight.

"Snapper," due to the likelihood of my bones breaking.

"Speck," due to my stature.

That's disrespectful. Speck. This manager guy, he's way out of line.

Well, he's got what he's always wanted now.

A big glamour puss, all hair and gizambaas.

I mean, you'll not even be able to see the tray now.

I could do something, you know.

There are people I could talk to. Pardon?

I'm connected.

That's all I'm gonna say. I know people.

You know people? I do.

You mean, like the people you were with in the casino?

You know them, do you?

And how do you think they treat me?

Well, I don't really know them.

You know, they just came to the show and--

They invited me on. I just been there once.

I went out of manners. They're not my pals or anything like that.

I know! That was obvious.

And by the way, if they were, I wouldn't be standing here with you now.

I'm sorry.

Got carried away.

I hate to think of you being treated like that.

Well, I appreciate the thought.

Have another drink. [ Mouthing Word ]

[ Chattering ]

Entrez.

Shh. Let's get you some coffee.

It's in there.

[ Loud Clattering Sound ]

Senor Cocozza! Can you can it? You'll wake me flatmates.

I'm sorry, I was looking for the coffee.

Make a pot. It'll keep you awake all night.

It's for you! What?

It's been a very bad day.

Confirming my suspicion that all men are beneath contempt.

However, among their number, you stand out,

appearing to be a good sort whose biggest offense is an occasional lapse in taste,

culminating in your hair being permed.

For which you cannot be condemned.

Now, I know that I'm drunk.

But I sincerely believe that in order to end a disastrous day...

on a positive note,

I think we should get our kits off...

and roll around like animals until our passions are spent.

It wouldn't be right.

What?

Look, you've-- You've had too much to drink,

and you're not thinking straight.

Sorry, that's the truth, you know.

Let's not do something we'll regret in the morning.

Irene?

Oh, God, no.

[ Door Opens ]

Irene?

Ir--

Irene.

[ Laughing ]

Oh, that is something! Sure, that's something!

Aye, it's a keen letter, eh? Look.

"We are looking forward to seeing you. Rod Edmunds, producer."

The Big "T." It's no everyone will get a letter from the producer.

Is it no just a standard letter?

[ Laughs ] That's personal.

It's just an audition. Eh?

"We are delighted to offer you an audition.

Thereafter, successful applicants will be invited to appear on the program."

That'll be us! Okay, say you get on, doesn't mean that you'll win.

Doesn't matter. What?

I'll have been on TV. So?

From that moment on, everything will change.

I will become television's Toni Cocozza.

Toni, son, you need to keep your feet on the ground. No, I don't.

I'll tell you for why. Because things are going my way.

What things?

All sorts of things. Well, you'll see!

My luck's changing.

The gods are finally paying attention to wee Toni at last.

And now they're smilin'.

And I intend to keep them smilin'.

What's the matter?

[ Male Singer ] ♪ Every once in a while ♪

I just wanted a word.

Sit down.

You've met everybody. Bill-- Oh, we've had a conversation.

Bill told me your news, about the audition. That's great!

Excitin', eh?

Thank you. On the house.

Thank you. Thank you.

Aldo, that wee thing I had to talk to you about.

What wee thing? Aldo.

Oh, aye! That wee thing.

♪ We had our tears ♪

♪ And our laughter ♪

The other night, I had too much to drink.

When I have too much to drink, I go a bit mental.

I always find that very attractive in a woman, except for the drool.

I wanted to apologize. I shouldn't have put you in that position.

No problem. Honest.

Well... other guys,

you know, um,

they might have taken liberties.

[ Chuckles ] Is your cappuccino okay?

But you didn't. So--

Aldo sometimes gets carried away with froth.

You wanna see him when he's shavin'.

Do you wanna know what his story is?

He got on the boat in Italy, and got off here.

He thought he was in New York. He still does.

We've tried to tell him the truth, but he'll no listen. New York?

Aye. I gonna go one day.

Send him a postcard. Break it to him gently.

- Him and Bill, they're my cronies. - This is the Rat Pack then.

Oh, aye. But we're missin' one vital ingredient.

- We've no got a Shirley MacLaine type. - That's a surprise.

The post's open, if you're interested.

You must think I have a very sad life.

♪♪ [ Accordion ]

[ Woman ] Smile! Very good.

I'm sittin' on your knee. And my name isn't Sonny.

Very good, girls.

Hi, dear. What's your name? I'm Simpson.

Is that another crooner?

You think? That's me.

I don't know.

Just come over here. He's better lookin' than me.

Do you think?

I've got... personality.

It's what makes me different, you know?

I'll give them plenty of that, eh?

Just do the songs. Right, just do the songs.

Okay, thanks.

[ Woman ] Lovely! Very good.

That's it, and turn.

Very good.

The next contestant is Toni Coco. Cocozza.

Oh, sorry. Cocozza.

You can't get the staff these days.

Ladies and gentlemen, it's a great pleasure to be... here.

My name is Toni Cocozza. Cocozza.

You got that?

And what I do is strictly Sinatra.

The fellow at the Steinway back there is my pianist,

Mr. William Collins.

Bill, to his friends. And Bill to me after the show.

No, really.

Okay, sit back and relax, 'cause you're in for a ring-a-ding time.

In fact, a funny thing happened to me and Bill recently...

while on vacation in America.

We went to visit the Grand Canyon... and it was closed!

[ Laughs ]

Isn't that sweet, huh? Mr. Cocozza?

You're a singer? Aye.

Sing. Sorry about that.

Sorry. Just a little bit of fun.

Boy. "Krazy Hair on de warpath," eh?

I'll tell you somethin', fella,

Davy Crockett's been looking for that hat for ages.

[ Laughs ]

Sorry, sorry.

If the cat don't dig it, the cat don't dig it.

Here's something I know you will.

It's a classic from the magical pen of Mr. Sammy Cahn and Mr. Jimmy Van Heusen.

"You Make Me Feel So Young."

[ Footsteps Approaching ]

Hen, hen, now what?

Any news? You'll be notified by post.

Could you not slip us the wink? We're professionals. We got dates to juggle.

[ Man Chattering ]

Hey, swinger! Chairman of the Board, that's me.

Mr. Edmunds, I'm sorry if I went on a wee bit, but I was nervous and--

Look, Toni,

people think my job is difficult.

It's not. It's easy.

It's the easiest job in the world...

because talent is obvious.

And when it's there, it stands out a mile.

And when it isn't, it doesn't. Hmm?

May I ask you your age?

Twenty-eight.

This is not for you, son. What?

Take some advice from an old soldier.

Find something else before it's too late.

It's not for you, son.

Son.

Moving swiftly along as they say, there you go, eh?

He's an arse. Come on, son. It doesn't matter.

Thank you, and fucking good night.

Son-- No, Bill.

Just let me be, okay?

Hello?

You listen to me, poof!

'Cause you're in big fuckin' trouble.

You fucking like that?

You do as I tell you, otherwise you're gonna bleed up your kisser.

Now you go home, and shut your mouth, right?

And just wait. Just wait till we come for you.

When will that be?

When we're fuckin' ready.

[ Indistinct Shouting ]

[ Footsteps Approaching ]

[ Door Closes ]

[ Phone Ringing ]

[ Answering Machine Beeps ]

[ Irene ] Hey, Frank, this is the Shirley type.

Who are these bums? What do they know?

Don't let them bother you. You've got bigger fish to fry, like me.

I want to see this act of yours, so let's do it, okay?

Hope you're fine.

[ Phone Disconnects, Machine Beeps ]

[ Car Alarm Blaring ]

[ Blaring Stops ]

[ Elevator Bell Dings ]

[ Elevator Bell Dings ]

It's open.

Here. Get out!

"Dinner At Eight."

P-Pardon?

"Dinner At Eight"!

♪ She gets too hungry for dinner at eight ♪

♪ She likes the theater ♪

♪ But never comes late ♪

♪ She never bothers with ♪

♪ People she'd hate ♪

- ♪ That's why the lady ♪ - ♪ Is a tramp ♪

♪♪ [ Big Band ]

♪ Doesn't like crap games with barons and earls ♪

♪ She won't go to Harlem in ermines and pearls ♪

♪ She won't dish the dirt with the rest of the girls ♪

- ♪ That's why the lady ♪ - ♪ Is a tramp ♪

Let's go! ♪ She likes the free ♪

- ♪ Fresh wind in her hair ♪ - Isn't he good, eh?

♪ A life without care ♪

[ All Together ] ♪ She's broke and so ♪

♪ Hates California ♪

♪ It's cold and it's damp ♪

♪ That's why the lady ♪

♪ That's why the lady ♪

♪ That's why the lady is a tramp ♪♪

[ Applause, Cheering ]

[ Door Slides Shut ]

We needed them.

You weren't in, so we took 'em.

And tonight? We wanted to hear you sing.

Dainty's crazy about you. That's it.

Only sorry I missed your performance. Heard it was a great gig.

[ Chuckles ]

[ Chisholm ] Did I tell you about Kim Novak? Kim who?

Novak-- film star. You wouldn't have known her. She made films with knickers in them.

But you'd know her, eh, Toni? Eh?

I met her as well.

She was somethin'.

[ Sighs ]

Brings me in a sweat when I think about her.

Skin like alabaster.

If I'd tried anything,

they'd have crippled me.

Might have been worth it, though, eh? Eh?

Wee Kim.

Now, she did a picture with Frankie Boy, right?

- He's singing in these dives, meets her, falls for her. - Aye, Pal Joey.

Pal Joey!

Then he gets outta the dives into a big club.

Yeah, right. A great place.

It's got a big stage, big dance floor, tables with wee lamps on 'em.

Aye. Tables with wee lamps on 'em.

You ever been on the telly?

Yeah. No. I had an audition for that Big "T."

- I've seen that. - [ Toni ] Today, actually.

Producer took agin me for some reason.

He treated me like I was something on his shoe.

What's this arsehole's name?

I don't know. Um, Edmunds. Rod Edmunds.

Sit down.

He's no right to treat you like this, this, uh--

What's his name again?

What? Um, uh-- I can't remember now.

Edmunds. Rod Edmunds.

It's okay. [ Stammering ] It's fine--

Don't say another word.

Muster up some fuckin' grace and accept,

because it's happenin'.

Okay?

What are you lookin' at, rat features?

Nothin'.

[ Door Opens, Closes ]

What happened here?

You're a nuckleheid!

A 24-karat stupid arsehole of the first order!

Sorry. You'll be a lot sorrier before you're finished!

I said have nothing to do with him!

That's easier said than done. Keep out of their way.

You see them coming, you vanish.

And if they see you first,

excuse yourself from their company as best you can and be gone.

All right?

Aye, all right.

With any luck, they'll lose interest in you...

and you'll no hear from them again.

Pfft!

Ah, we can fix this.

Just need all the bits.

You're square with them now?

All square.

Toni Cocozza. Are you Kenny?

We spoke on the phone. Give us a minute.

I don't think this is our kind of place.

Of course it isn't.

I can't take Irene to our kind of place.

I want somewhere different, somewhere clean.

I've seen you.

You're garbage.

[ Chuckling ] Kenny,

what I'm after here is a showcase kind of thing. Uh-huh.

The point is, I wouldn't charge you. Do you understand?

As far as you're concerned, there'll be absolutely no outlay.

- What're you lookin' at? - I'm not lookin' at anything.

Good.

You know what our clientele is here?

Divorcees, second-time-arounders...

looking for kicks with no strings attached.

That's my crowd-- swingers. No, your crowd's geriatrics.

They're all Valley of the Dolls and incontinence pants.

These people are with it!

They go for sounds like themselves--

sophisticated and worldly.

Like what? Like Neil Diamond.

- Goes down a bomb here. - Does he?

There's a real singer.

That is a real singer with real style.

Oh, you go for that, do you?

Black polo neck, hair combed from behind the ear.

At least he's got hair. What does that mean?

- What are you lookin' at? - I'm not lookin' at anything.

Aye, you are. You're starin' at my hands. I'm no.

He's no lookin' at nothing. He's starin' at my hands!

Leave him alone. He's no. Better no be.

We're not gettin' anywhere here.

Let's just get on our way.

Aye, right. Thanks for nothin'.

Anytime.

[ Whispers ] Dump. What'd you say?

What do you think I said?

Toni!

Get out.

With pleasure.

Prick.

What did you say? I never says nothin'.

What was that crack about the hair? What crack about the hair?

Neil Diamond-- "At least he's got hair." What does that mean?

It means, at least Neil Diamond isn't a baldy bastard like Frank Sinatra.

Frank Sinatra was not bald.

He was fuckin' toupee of the century, pal.

You don't know what you're talkin' about! He was a baldy.

He wisnae baldy! He was a rug merchant!

Used to wear all cuts of Axminster tacked onto his napper.

You're out of order, pal. You can still see it.

He left it to Bill Shatner in his will. You want a smack in the mouth?

- You gonna give me one? - Stop it! Daft buggers!

You, get out of here! Move it!

I'm sorry. Don't know what's got into him.

[ Phone Ringing ]

Hello?

This is he.

Mr. Edmunds.

Rod. How are you?

[ Laughter, Applause ]

Thank you. I want you all there. Everybody's comin'.

You're gonna be a big-shot TV star. I finally get to see.

You'll need a chaperone. Aye, to protect her from you.

That is the weirdest thing, though. What?

This about-turn. The fella couldn't have been clearer about his feelings towards you.

He said he was having a bad day, didn't he? Problems at home or something.

He made a mistake, that's all. At least he was big enough to admit it.

- It's funny, though, isn't it? - What's funny about it?

It's just funny!

You're all right. Away you go now.

You got a light, mate?

Sure.

You know something, Irene?

I've been looking at you and I'm thinking.

And you know what I was thinking?

I was thinking you look sensational.

There you are, I've said it now.

You all right? I've got to go.

I've arranged to meet a girl from the casino tonight. Ah, don't.

I'm sorry. It's just a bit weird.

I thought I was one of the boys.

You are one of the boys. It's just, you're the only one I fancy.

What?

Listen, the thing about that night was--

Please don't mention that night.

I never took any liberties, right?

Aye, so you say.

Well, it wasn't without effort.

So... what are you saying?

Mmm.

I really, really like you.

That's all I'm sayin'.

Well, I really like you.

Well, could-- could we meet up later?

It's already late. I know, uh--

But could we-- I don't know, just meet up and...

talk things over?

I've got to go.

The flat--

The flat's empty tonight.

♪♪ [ Swing ]

Excuse me. Can I have a word? I've got something on.

You're needed. What for?

If you open your mouth about this, the lassie'll get it.

What lassie?

Do you think we're daft? It'd be smart of you to lighten up.

[ Knocking ]

Where did you get Tweetie Pie fae?

Psychiatric secure unit, so watch what you're fuckin' sayin'. Move it.

Is he gonna be all right?

If you had done what you were supposed to, we wouldn't need him, would we?

I fuckin' told you. You're a fuckin' liar!

- [ Barking ] - Fuckin' bastards.

Aye, thank fuck!

Stupid fucking miserable fucking dogs!

Here. Here.

Play with the dogs. That's your job.

The rest of their stuff's over there. Just don't show fear.

Come on.

[ Barking ]

- Let's get on with it. - I was hoping a wee cuddle as well.

[ Phone Ringing ]

[ Dogs Barking, Ringing Continues ]

The boss phones in!

[ Dogs Barking ] Shut them the fuck up!

Shh, shh.

You, shit face. Come here.

[ Ringing, Barking Continue ]

Shut them up!

Hello, boss.

Quiet as a grave.

No, they're okay.

Lonesome coyotes.

I told you a hundred fuckin' times, Thursday's my Tai Chi night.

Shh. Pl--

Fuckin' hell. Boss decided to fucking do us.

What are you gonna do? Oh, arsehole, nice try!

We get the cigarettes and sweeties. What are you goin' on about?

- You get the money. - What money?

We get the blame. Very good. No!

Go! Go!

[ Sirens Wailing ] Shit! Doors.

What? Doors!

[ Engine Sputtering ]

Come on!

Come on! Come on!

[ Tires Screeching ]

[ Male Singer ] ♪ Here ♪

♪ In my heart ♪

[ Laughing ] ♪ I'm alone ♪

Oh, boy! ♪ And so lonely ♪

- If they'd got ahold of me, they would've killed me. - No!

You could've got rid of them easily. Just done your act.

[ Men Laughing ]

♪ I just yearn ♪

♪ For you only ♪

♪ Here in my arms ♪

♪ I long to hold you ♪

♪ Hold you so near ♪

♪ Ever close to my heart ♪

♪ So darling ♪

♪ Say that you care ♪

♪ Take this heart ♪

♪ I give gladly ♪

♪ Surely you know ♪

♪ I need your-- ♪♪

♪♪ [ Humming Along To Music ]

Things fell in our favor. You got a cut.

I'm okay, honestly.

Get yourself kitted out for the show.

No, I've got my tux. It's my lucky tux. It was my father's.

And who ever fuckin' heard of him?

He wasn't well-known, he was well-liked.

Still listening to the wee Toni, aren't we?

The wee Toni that will struggle away in the cold and misery...

until his bones snap and the pish runs out of him.

Forget it.

Think about the other Toni--

the one people notice when he walks in,

the one who knows how to handle himself.

Huh? Look him in the eye, embrace him and say,

"So be it."

Huh? I'll pay you back.

Forget it.

For yourself, your lassie.

Oh, shit!

Chuckles the Clown?

That's not his real name, of course.

But he's been having a hell of a time recently. He's had a wee cancer scare.

Someone walked away with his big shoes. He's hittin' the sauce. Toni.

This is a disaster because "A," he's an alcoholic.

And "B," he's due in court tomorrow.

But you got him home?

I had to.

If he doesn't show up tomorrow, he'll lose his daughter.

He'll never see wee Brandie again.

What a story.

I phoned Bill. Did ya?

He said it wasn't like you.

That something must've turned up-- an emergency.

It was out of my control.

Well, you had to do what you had to do.

You could've phoned.

Oh, God, I'm sorry. I am so sorry.

I'll call you a taxi.

I, I, I am so sorry.

You need to go home.

Sorry, mate.

No problem. My fault.

[ Male Singer ] ♪ I've been a puppet a pauper ♪

♪ A pirate, a poet ♪

♪ A pawn and a king ♪

♪ I've been up and down over and out ♪

♪ I know one thing ♪

♪ Each time I find myself ♪

♪ Laying flat on my face ♪

♪ Well, I pick myself up and get back in the race ♪

♪ That's life ♪

♪ That's life and oh I can't deny it, no ♪

♪ I thought of quitting, babe but my heart just ain't gonna buy it ♪

♪ And if there's nothing shaking come this year July ♪

♪ I'm gonna roll myself up ♪

♪ In a big ball ♪

♪ And die ♪

♪ My, my ♪♪

Jack Daniels, large one. Plenty of ice.

Something for yourself, bartender.

- What're you havin'? - I'm all right at the moment.

Shiny suit.

It's no shiny, it's a sheen.

You could light the street with it.

Pardon me, Beau fuckin' Brummel.

I came into a wee bit of cash.

Wanna see something?

Tickets for the show.

They came today. The Big "T." What you make of that?

Where were you last night? Irene phoned me.

I know. She was very worried, and so was I.

Well, I'm all right, so you can relax.

I'm no daft, you know. I know you, and there's something no right here.

So spit it out. Just leave it.

Were you with them? Gonna leave it?

- You were, weren't you? You were with them. - So what if I was?

Christ, what is it? You a hard man now?

A wise guy? Is that what you call it? You think I'm stupid?

- You couldn't stand the pace of stupid. - Just drop it.

Some wise guy you are. What were you doin' for them?

Shining their shoes? A job, for your information.

- What kind of job? - A fuckin' heist, man. A fuckin' heist!

Stick that in your walking stick and walk with it. You're kidding.

- You're just kidding, right? - Everybody knows the right thing to do when it's no them.

You've seen them. You've seen the cut of 'em. What the fuck am I supposed to do?

Jesus.

Jesus Christ!

Why? Why?

Because they did me a favor.

What favor?

What do you think?

Oh, dear God!

Come on. It's a whiskey there. A large-- A large whiskey.

Is this where we are?

Is this where we've got to?

Nobody touched the guy. He just wised up, that's all.

Same again for me. Not me.

Don't do this to me. I'm out.

Please!

This talent show's our big break.

Let's not blow this one.

I want nothing to do with it. Nothing!

And if you were wise, you'd pull out of it as well.

Well then, Bill, walk away, you know? On you go.

I don't think you're right, but I guess you're just displaying...

your uncanny instinct for success, which has gotten you where you are today.

What?

Look at you. You're a clown.

Same again.

[ Knocking ] Irene?

Irene? Irene?

[ Pounding ] Irene.

Ha-ha!

Darlin', I've been waiting for you.

You lied to me!

What are you talking about? Do you mind?

It's a private matter. You must think my head's buttoned up the back!

No, darlin', it's a wee bit of kidology.

I can't believe I was so stupid!

No, please, please. I had to. Leave me alone!

Please! What are we fightin' for?

Come on. Life's too short. We should go have a meal.

- We'll have a drink. We'll sort all this out, eh? - Look at the state of you!

You look like a pimp! This?

This is pizazz, that's all. I'm an entertainer.

I'm one of the good guys. Do you understand? I'm one of the good guys.

Get your hands off me! Get your hands off me!

[ Laughs ]

You can't handle it.

None of you can fuckin' handle it. Wee Toni's...

got a bit of success, wee Toni's gonna be on TV.

And you're all eaten up with it.

Go and take a long hard look at yourself, Toni.

It's you should take a look at yourself! You and Bill and the rest of you!

I've got one chance to make something of my life!

And you cannae stomach that, yeah?

Well, that's no friendship!

There's fuckin' plenty of people will be happy for me,

plenty of people will be pleased to see my name up in lights.

You go on that program and you're gonna owe them for the rest of your life.

That's up to me.

Aye, so it is.

I'm one of the good guys. [ Honking ]

I'm one of the good guys.

[ Indistinct Muttering ]

[ Laughing ]

I'm one of the good guys.

Me. Toni.

Good Toni.

[ Toni ] I'm one of the good guys.

[ Director ] Mix to the wide.

Cut and cue Jim.

[ Emcee ] Will you give him a big,

big "T" welcome, ladies and gentlemen,

the swinging sound of Toni Cocozza!

[ Applause ]

We're going all the way, folks. That's what we're here for.

Keeps me young at heart, keeping you young at heart too.

We're here every week.

Tell your friends.

That'll be my last.

So you working the big night, Joe?

The private function? Aye.

All hands on deck for that one.

You'll see something that night.

You'll see some faces that've been taken apart...

and they couldn't get back together right.

And that's just the women.

What's the big deal, then?

It's Dainty's birthday. Who's Dainty?

She's the wife of one of our more prominent local businessmen.

Capisce?

So best be on your toes or you could find them floating in your martinis.

And he and her and all their colorful associates...

will be carousing the night away in this fine establishment...

absolutely free.

Gratis.

Furthermore, they will be treated to a night of entertainment...

by some of show business's finest performers,

and me as well.

You're good.

Come, come.

Fifth. Is that good?

I came fifth.

Mind you, I did better there than elsewhere.

Came last there, I think.

No, placed...

in the human race.

And for what?

I always thought it'd be more than this.

That's my problem. I always think there's gonna be more than this.

So I never saw... [ Sniffles ]

all--

all the precious things.

I didn't realize how, um,

fragile they were till I'd broken them.

One more for the road, eh?

Chisholm wants you.

- But what? - That's the day of Dainty's birthday.

It'll take a half an hour, for fuck's sake.

- Parties for Dainty. This is what's keeping her. - I don't like this drug stuff.

What you like is of no fucking interest to anyone and their dog.

Train gets in at 7:00.

Pick up the gear and deliver it. Fuck it up, dead. Cheerio.

Big John F. Did I tell you about him?

Kennedy. You met Kennedy.

Didn't exactly meet him.

But our paths crossed, if you know what I mean.

Irene.

Don't do that, please, Irene. Please?

You're totally right to turn your back on me,

but will you let me do this one thing, please?

I'll no ask you to forgive me because I've been unforgivable. I know that.

But if you think you could give me another chance, will you let me know?

Please. I think you're the greatest.

I swear on my father's grave. You're the greatest.

[ Indistinct Chattering ]

What're you doing here? Leave me alone.

Get away from here. All the lot of you! Get away!

We'll go where we fuckin' like.

Beat it, eh? You hear me? Beat it.

Think you're smart? Get away from here, eh?

If I see your face around here, I'll kick it in for ya.

- [ Boy ] Leave him alone. Take your hands off him. - Shut your mouth. Right?

Shut your mouth! I shows you, mate.

I shows you, mate. I'll shows you--

Behave yourself, son. You want a square go?

Come on, I'll give you a square go.

Hey! What's goin' on?

Nothin', you know. Just nothin'.

Beat it.

You really strike terror in their hearts, don't you?

Motor!

Come here.

But I'm no good at-- Move it!

[ Footsteps Approaching ]

Don't let him pass, you hear me? I cannae stop--

Let him go and you're dead!

[ Ceiling Creaking ]

[ Car Engine Revving ]

- [ Engine Sputtering ] - Come on!

[ Engine Sputters, Revs ]

Sit down. Sit down!

Sit down, son!

Oh, Jesus. Oh, shit.

Aldo!

Um, report him to the social aid or report him to the social something.

What are you talking about? Promise me you'll look after him for me.

Aye, okay, okay.

They're gonna kill me.

Where's Irene? You haven't seen her?

What are you talking about? She said she was going to see you.

She said she had something to tell you. Going to see me where? Where?

[ Crowd Chanting ] Dainty! Dainty! Dainty! Dainty!

Dainty! Dainty! Dainty! Dainty!

Dainty! [ Cheering ]

I'll go in for you, son. I'll get her out.

If they don't get me, they'll take it out on her.

What? It's me they want.

Toni!

Son.

If you could just shift it up a wee bit. It's blocking the entrance.

[ Laughing ]

[ Comedian ] And what, what about--

Are you going as well?

And a very big favorite of our birthday girl here.

[ Applause, Cheering ]

Ladies and gentlemen,

please put your hands together for Mr. Toni Cocozza!

[ Cheering, Applause ]

We'll need to use the front.

[ Applause Continues ]

[ Man ] Sing it, Toni!

[ Applause Continues ]

This is my last performance.

It's a song for someone very special.

She'll know what it means.

♪ And now ♪

♪ The end is near ♪

♪ And so I face ♪

♪ The final curtain ♪

♪ My friend ♪

♪ I'll say it clear ♪

♪ I'll state my case ♪

♪ Of which I'm certain ♪

♪ I've lived ♪

♪ A life that's full ♪

♪ I've traveled each ♪

♪ And every highway ♪

♪ And more Much more than this ♪

♪ I did it my way ♪

♪ Regrets, I've had a few ♪

♪ But then again ♪

♪ Too few to mention ♪

♪ I did what I had to do ♪

♪ I saw it through ♪

♪ Without exemption ♪

- ♪ I planned each chosen course ♪ - Please welcome Toni Cocozza!

♪ Each careful step ♪

♪ Along the byway ♪

♪ And more ♪

♪ Much more than this ♪

♪ I did it my way ♪

♪ Yes, there were times ♪

♪ I'm sure you knew ♪

♪ When I bit off more than I could chew ♪

♪ But through it all ♪

♪ When there were doubts ♪

♪ I ate it up ♪

♪ And spit it out ♪

♪ I faced them all ♪ Oh, thank you.

♪ But I stood tall ♪

♪ And did it my way ♪

♪ I've loved I've laughed and cried ♪

♪ I've had my fill ♪

♪ My share of losing ♪

♪ And now ♪

♪ As tears subside ♪

♪ I find it all ♪

♪ So amusing ♪

♪ To think I did all that ♪

♪ And may I say not in a shy way ♪

♪ Oh no ♪

♪ Oh no, not me ♪

♪ I did it my way ♪

♪ For what is a man ♪

♪ What has he got ♪

♪ If not himself then he has not ♪

♪ To say the things he truly feels ♪

♪ And not the words of one who kneels ♪

♪ The record shows ♪

♪ I took the blows ♪

♪ And did it ♪

♪ My way ♪

♪ Yes, it was ♪

♪ My way ♪♪

[ Cheering, Applause ]

- [ Gunshots ] - [ Crowd Shouting ]

- Where is he? Where'd he go? - You all right? My gun!

- [ Crowd Shouting ] - What is it?

No. No!

Nobody's hurt? You all right?

[ Elevator Bell Dings ]

Where's Bill? I told him to go. So should we.

Aah!

[ Dogs Barking ]

Fuck it.

[ Glass Clanking ] Who's there?

Nobody.

Hey!

Do I not know you?

I don't think so.

Aren't you the piano player?

I play the piano, yes.

Where's he gonna go?

Who?

Did you ever hear of a fellow called Toni Cocozza?

Know the name.

This is a guy who thought he was something.

But do you know what?

When it came to it, he was nothin'.

That's no the Toni I was thinking of.

Safe home now.

There is one thing we've got to get straight. What?

We got the apartment. Oh, let's go!

The Rat Pack.

You didn't put your name on it. Bill'll know it's from me.

What? You are Johnny Risotto.

Johnny Risotto. What about you?

I said I was Mrs. Risotto.

Now that I like.

Okay, Mrs. Risotto, let's go home.

[ Male Singer ] ♪ Start spreading the news ♪

♪ I'm leaving today ♪

♪ I want to be a part of it ♪

♪ New York, New York ♪

♪ These vagabond shoes ♪

♪ Are longing to stray ♪

♪ Right through the very heart of it ♪

♪ New York, New York ♪

♪ I want to wake up ♪

♪ In a city that never sleeps ♪

♪ And find I'm king of the hill ♪

♪ Top of the heap ♪

♪ These little town blues ♪

♪ Are melting away ♪

♪ I'll make a brand-new start of it ♪

♪ In old New York ♪

♪ If I can make it there ♪

♪ I'll make it anywhere ♪

♪ It's up to you ♪

♪ New York, New York ♪

♪♪ [ Continues, Instrumental ]

♪ New York, New York ♪

♪ I want to wake up ♪

♪ In a city that never sleeps ♪

♪ And find I'm A-number one ♪

♪ Top of the list ♪

♪ King of the hill ♪

♪ A-number one ♪

♪ These little town blues ♪

Yeah!

♪ Are melting away ♪

Whoo!

♪ I'm gonna make a brand-new start of it ♪

♪ In old New York ♪

♪ And, baby, I know ♪

♪ If I can make it there ♪

♪ I'm gonna make it ♪

♪ Anywhere ♪

♪ It's up to you, New York ♪

♪ New York ♪

♪ New York ♪♪