Original subtitles

Listen, these people are marvelous. You can't tell what they've gone through.

- You're right. - Their courage is just absolutely amazing.

The money is well spent.

Did you see her head, the way it was all in that sort of thing?

Dr. Bollen.

Dr. Bollen.

You can't leave. You're an official host.

Careful. Can't you tell I'm not wearing a bra?

No.

Don't think about it. It will only excite you.

That's my husband over there.

I've been married six moths and never had an affair.

- Well, it can happen. - Don't take it so well...

...I've just turned you down.

- Pardon me. - He's looking at us, my husband.

Isn't he gorgeous? He's a naval architect.

I must say, that has a real zing to it.

"My husband David is a naval architect." Actually, we're starving.

You wouldn't want to buy a 60-foot sloop, would you?

No.

David's mama and papa keep us.

Look how disgusted Papa looks. He hates this sort of thing.

I hope you win the car, sir.

- Perhaps Papa is too sensitive. - Sensitive, my ass. He's just bored.

Highway safety is so blah. Besides, he hates amateurs.

Now, give him something he can get his teeth into...

...muscular dystrophy or rheumatoid arthritis...

...Papa can set the world on fire.

- He's just slumming tonight. - Hello, Archie.

- Everyone came late. - I came early. Good night, Wilma.

Good night, Barney.

- Could you describe the coat? - It's a coat, a raincoat. With sleeves.

Archie, you can't go. I'd be very disappointed.

All right, then, I won't tell you who I bumped into last week.

- Buying a well-larded rib roast? - Oh, smarty.

- Have you seen what she's done to her hair? - Wild.

I said, "Polo, for heaven's sakes, you look like a teenager."

And Mike's getting so thin.

Do you think that's good for a boy his age?

Well, if it's all right for rib roast....

Smarty. I don't believe we've met.

- Get stuffed, Wilma. - You have now.

- My name is Petulia. - I'm not surprised.

- Polo is your wife? - My ex-wife. Good night.

Archie. Archie!

- Say something warm. - Like what?

I mean it.

All right.

- Your hair, it gleams. - Oh, Archie.

- How do you brush it? Left arm or right? - Left.

- An hour every day? - Yes, at least.

Well, I'm afraid you're gonna have a little problem.

You see, the bursa sheath, it's very sensitive. Bursitis. It hurts.

- Well, I'll come to you. - I won't be much help. Just aspirin.

- And sympathy? - Sure.

Thank you, Archie.

How can I have an affair with an unmarried man?

There must be some equality of guilt.

My divorce doesn't become final till next month.

I'll get my purse.

- Hell. - What?

I'm the one to pick the winning ticket for the car.

I'm always chosen for that sort of thing. You see, I radiate incorruptibility.

Money can't buy me.

Isn't it super? Suddenly, all that love.

Well, stay, then.

Archie, why do you play this dumb game?

This pretense of resisting a beautiful lady.

You should be jolly lucky I'm even talking to you.

- How many kids do you have besides Mike? - Six.

- Good night. - Actually, there's only one besides Mike.

I'll meet you here.

- Does this bother you? - A little.

Well, I suggested my place.

I'd always imagined this tourist cabin, paper-thin walls...

...and a man from Tennessee in the cabin next door...

...sobbing endlessly, "Maude, Maude."

Good evening.

We've got an elevator, but it's only for going for paper and the like.

If you don't wanna use your car.

But you'll have to use the ramp because of the key.

The key lets you know when you get to your room.

- Charming. - No, no, you don't understand.

It shouldn't be charming.

You're missing the whole point. It should be menacing...

...gray, terribly distraught.

- And I plunge madly into your arms, and-- - My apartment's only four blocks from here.

Just wait a minute, will you?

My great-grandmother's 91 and she still has a granite chin.

My God, what a lecherous lot.

- Ninety-one, eh? - Yep. But not much fun.

Well, 91, hell.

Oh, she stopped having fun at 28 when her husband was killed in the first war.

In the trenches, looking just like Cary Grant with a waxed mustache.

She can't remember him, but she can remember Cary Grant...

...because he comes from Bristol too and, well, he's always in the news.

Whenever Cary Grant's picture's in the paper...

...he gets a waxed mustache whether he likes it or not.

Stop being so damn casual.

We're about to become lovers.

Did you bring an instrument?

Ring room service and ask the robot to send up something splendid and musical.

A saxophone? Electric organ? Tuba?

Tuba. Absolutely. Bless you, Archie.

A tuba. Something large and whirly.

This is an event, Archie. We're about to become lovers.

You said that.

- I can't say it often enough. - Are we?

- Are we what? - About to become lovers?

No.

You swinging young marrieds.

Where are you rushing to?

If we were....

If we were making love...

...you'd be exploring my nails, something like that.

Time would be the last thing on your mind.

You look like a gargoyle.

Poor, dumb Archie. You see, I'm all mixed up sexually.

My mum was a prostitute. The oldest professional lady in Bristol.

My sister too. Mavis. Only, she's not a landmark yet.

Real, honest-to-God tears, Petulia?

Real tears, Archie.

Petulia, you're a kook.

If you get back in time, you can pick the winning ticket and make somebody happy.

- I'm going to marry you, Archie. - It's the Pepsi generation.

Hey, can you direct us to a Chinese restaurant?

Okay, I'm awake.

I'll make some coffee.

Excuse me.

Aren't I a kook, though?

Well, if you think you're surprised, think how surprised the man...

...in the pawnshop's gonna be when he sees all that broken glass.

Archie, the burglar alarm didn't go off.

Where is it all going to end if the burglar alarms don't go off?

- Take me to bed. - Will you get the hell out of here, please?

Petulia.

I think I've broken a rib. I can feel it.

Don't you know you can puncture a lung?

Carting tubas around and all that sort of stuff. Kooky, though, isn't it?

When are you gonna stop trying to undress me?

Look, it's just a rib to me.

Yes, I know. That's why. Go on, go and call a proper doctor.

- What do you think I am? - A hairy-legged old lecher...

...running around in shorts.

- Get your clothes off. - Oh, as a woman, not as a rib.

- Hello? - Barney? Archie.

- Are you all right? - Yeah, I'm fine, fine. Listen, Barney.

- I got a patient I want you to look at. - What? Where?

- Now, in my place. My apartment. - What's he doing there?

Barney, it's very complicated and I haven't had my morning coffee.

- Well, what's the name? - Her name is Petulia.

- Petulia what? - I don't know her last name. Petulia.

- Why don't you look at her yourself? - Shut up.

I've gotta get to the hospital.

Where are all the family pictures?

Polo and the boys.

I'll bet you called her Polo.

Hey, don't you go mucking about with "Petulia."

What's her real name?

Prudence.

And you called her Polo. That's kind of sickening, Archie.

- And want him here every day for therapy. - Yes, doctor. I do.

Every day, will you tell him that?

- What did he say? - He say yes.

Are you sure?

Otherwise, you have to stay in the hospital. You're not well yet. Say that to him.

I'm sorry, pal.

Where did he learn such words? Shame on you.

Every day. Same time, 2:00, on the dot. Oh, I'm sorry.

I like the way he heals.

Cut it out, you little spic.

- About the money, doctor-- - How is she?

Lunch.

His leg is going to be fine.

Don't worry too much about the bill. Just enough to pay it.

I have the money to pay.

Now we have our lovely Tina, modeling rainwear.

Beauty, grace and a little sex.

The season's latest rave-- I mean, rage. All set for action.

Indecent as her....

Hi.

"Get stuffed, Wilma." Why didn't you tell me?

- How is she? - You tell me.

Great. Terrific. You wouldn't believe it. Terrific.

- How's her rib? - I taped it.

Gave her some Seconal.

She should have a vertical just to be safe.

- Why do we have to eat topless? - The best Irish stew in town.

- I'll have the corned beef too. Thank you. - Thank you.

She said you beat her up.

Kidding, of course.

You must have been a little rough on her, daddy.

- Archie? - Barney?

You know how long I've known you?

Forever?

- That's how long. - Thank you.

And Polo and the kids. That's exactly how long.

Well, I have a right to my opinion.

This is breaking Wilma's heart.

It's all we ever talk about.

You think you're different from anybody else?

Every time I leave the house, it's the last time, I'm never coming back.

- You're not listening to me, Archie. - Barney, for God's sake, I am listening.

You're thinking about that hot cat in your bed, you bastard.

Look...

...my record isn't exactly spotless. Well, you know that if anybody does.

There's gotta be another way, baby.

You and Polo were a marvelous-looking couple.

Anything wrong with being a great-looking couple?

People turning around to stare? What was it, Archie? The sex bit?

The old sex bit?

What would you say if I told you that one day I just got very tired of being married?

It's still better than being out there in the dark all by your goddamn lonesome.

Nobody has a life anymore.

- What do you want, Archie? - I don't know. To feel something.

That's no answer.

Grow up!

Archie...

...what am I gonna do about Wilma?

Hey, you.

I'm drunk.

It's all that stuff Barney gave you.

I'm drunk.

I'll drive you home.

- I'll get a bus. - Don't be silly.

- Don't pry, Archie. - How am I prying?

I'll get a bus.

If I were prying, I'd ask you how you broke your rib, right?

So you fall on a tuba and you break your rib, right?

Wrong. Your rib was broken hours before your fall.

God.

Here. I don't think it's gonna go like-- Here, here.

- Here, I'll keep it. - It's gotta go back somewhere.

The Companions of the Evergreen. Where is it?

In Chinatown. It's a lodge on Grant Street. Mr. Howard. Mr. Howard.

- Petulia, take a cab. - Remember that. Mr. Howard.

- Where are you going? - Tell him I'm sorry I goofed.

Tell him I'm sorry I couldn't bring it back.

You won't? I won't.

- Petulia. - Hi.

- You okay? You sure? - Of course.

- Just before-- - I'm okay.

- For a split second there, I thought-- - I'm fine, David.

I just came by...

...to see if there was enough food and things.

From the ventral aspect, the thorax appeared normal.

The margins of the sternum are articulated with the rib cartilages in the ordinary way.

On closer examination, the third piece of the sternum was formed...

...from two centers placed laterally, resulting in a--

Hello, Polo.

Hello.

It's very nice.

I've never been here before. It's....

- It's all very nice. - Thank you.

It is very strange...

...to come to your husband's bachelor apartment for the first time.

It feels slightly illegal.

Is that a tuba?

That's a tuba.

Make a marvelous lamp.

- You just had to say it. - Yeah. Predictable Polo.

"Predictable Polo," it has a certain zing. How are the kids?

Fine.

Looking forward to the weekend.

Lest I forget...

- ...as usual, I baked enough for an army. - Okay.

It's very....

It's very strange.

I mean, I....

I didn't think that I'd feel like this.

- Mostly sad. - Anything I can do for you, Polo?

No.

Yes, there--

Well, yes. No.

Well, that seems to cover all the possibilities.

It's such a puzzle to me.

I mean, we really got on so marvelously. We never fought...

...never screamed at each other. Not once.

- Everybody we knew envied us. - We were a handsome couple.

I think that I--

I've fallen in love.

His name is Warren Smith.

He's an engineer...

...and he's very good with the children.

He wants to go back to school and get his master's in hydraulics.

Well, say-- Say something.

I think that's fine, Polo.

Go to hell.

Hello? Hello?

- We're going to be married. - Great. Hello?

Hello?

Hello? Hello?

Hello?

- Hi. - Hi.

You okay?

Well, let's eat.

We're going to be married.

Not right away. He's....

He's also divorced, and there's child support, alimony....

This looks absolutely obscene.

- So the kids really like him, huh? - Adore him.

How about that.

Do you have maid service?

What the hell are you doing bringing me cookies?

Well...

...this is a new side of your nature.

Two people that never fight.

- What's so great about not fighting? - I came here to tell you about Warren.

You told me about Warren.

Warren is working on his master's in hydraulics.

I'm....

I'm afraid I'll still need all the money you pay me, Archie.

And I'll be seeing him at the house until we're married.

Which....

Which won't be till he's established with some hydraulics firm.

I hope it's not long, for everybody's sake, I--

If he's a bright enough guy, he'll be okay.

Well, needless to say, there are certain problems.

He lives in such a depressing rented room...

...it gives me claustrophobia.

It's such an icky room.

Tell the kids I'll pick up them Sunday at 8.

They'll be ready.

I thought the decent thing to do was to come here...

...and discuss everything in a civilized manner.

I mean, about the change in my situation and all that.

- I appreciate it, Polo. - Good night.

Now, you folks keep moving along the bridge.

Keep moving along and give other folks a chance.

There's a lot of pretty things to do. You, keep moving right along.

You won't wanna forget our Nipponese souvenir pagoda...

...where every item is the real McCoy.

That's right. Keep moving. That's the ticket.

Sergeant, you've been standing there some time now. Would you mind moving on?

Now, you folks keep moving along the bridge.

Yes, keep moving along and give other folks a chance.

There's a lot of things to do.

Nobody in the world can lie on the ground and not wrinkle. Look at this.

Not even one blade of grass. Why don't I marry you, May?

Why don't you, Archie?

Tell me about Bobby Kennedy.

Picasso. Pickles?

Talk about anything, any damn thing. Take ice cubes.

You can take either side. Talk for 30 seconds against ice cubes.

Why the hostility, Archie?

That dress shop of yours.

Boutique.

All those rubber mannequins.

I've never once seen those pipes that stick out of their bottoms.

Not one damn time. That bothers me, May.

Yeah.

I'm not hostile. It's just frustration.

I mean, in all that perfection...

...how is a clumsy clod like me ever gonna be fitted in...

...without ruining the whole effect?

Don't worry about it. You'll be going back to Polo.

No, she's found a fella.

I'd just about given up on you, Archie.

Why don't I marry you, May?

Look, Archie, if it will please you, I will submit a list to you of my faults.

Some of which will probably shake you up a bit.

- It would be a fake list. - Probably.

No, it wouldn't be a fake list.

Actually, I wear arch supports. My depilatory causes a nasty little rash.

And I've lost 10 percent of my hearing in less than a year. Okay?

Okay.

Well, of all people.

All that crap about the humanitarianism of the medical profession.

- Mr. Howard. Mr. Howard! - Don't ask.

Come on. Come on.

Archie, this is Mr. Howard.

I was looking at the foundations.

Once in a while, you'll find one before the earthquake.

It's a thrill, believe you me.

Mr. Howard is the watchman for the Companions of the Evergreen.

- Or was. - The tuba.

No wonder people are cynical about doctors.

I tried to return the thing, the place was locked.

- No harm done. - I didn't expect this of you, Archie.

Petulia, I tried to bring it back Friday night.

- It's okay. - No.

The Companions of the Evergreen are proud of their brass band.

- All's well that ends well. - You stay out of this.

I'm Petulia Danner. I'm sorry about this.

She said this elderly lady's first husband...

...played the tuba for John Philip Sousa.

She said it would cheer her up...

...make her wanna live.

Well, this is all right. Well, she gave me 5 bucks.

All that broken glass.

Well, it's okay.

- Goodbye, Mr. Howard. Goodbye, Petulia. - Mr. Howard, look....

You take a taxi.

- You might at least say sorry, Archie. - I'm sorry, Mr. Howard. Goodbye, Petulia.

All right, Petulia, what happens next?

I'd like to discuss your irresponsibility.

- Goodbye, Petulia. - My rib.

I should explain about her. She is a kook. We're going to be married.

Oh, Archie, when you try to sound cool and with it, you're really pathetic.

We're trying to have an intelligent conversation.

About what?

Well, about Polo, for one thing.

- Polo is none of your damn business. - Oh, that's dumb.

She's my business and she's this lady's business.

I happen to hate Polo.

Needless to say, she's never even met Polo.

I look at you and I know Polo.

Explain that to him.

How long were you married? Eight, 10 years? Anyway, the best.

- Thrown away, down the drain. - Oh, come on.

Archie, listen. We lead totally different lives.

We've got nothing to agree upon, except for one thing:

You're a lonely, screwed-up mess. You're--

I'm trying to save you, Archie. You're a very, very special man.

Oh, God.

You tell him.

- You don't think so? - Oh, I....

I won't put Archie on a pedestal. He'll.... He'll do.

You've got yourself another winner, Archie.

It's a joke. You're both putting me on.

Look, Petulia...

...tubas, all this I Love Lucy jazz, it's only cute for a while.

It's not meant to be cute.

I'm fighting for your life.

Who is trying to kill me?

The 2.5 million subscribers to the Ladies' Home Journal. Right, dear?

Look, Petulia, go home and save what's-his-name.

I really don't wanna see you anymore.

Well...

...what's for dinner?

Hi.

Oh, you're kidding me.

I think I discovered a cure for cancer.

You're on the brink of something. How did they let you in here?

- You look exhausted. - Well, it's almost 3:00.

Or doesn't Mr. Danner worry about things like that?

Look at you.

I'll drop you off. It's too late for the bus.

Petulia, you really have to stop following me around like this.

All right. I could use a steak sandwich. Maybe we can find someplace open.

Archie.

Yes.

Not here.

I'm not really very hungry.

I'm starving.

Am I being punished?

Loganberry jam. I think I'll take a case.

I'd rather have a plastic raincoat.

You can't save on plastic raincoats.

Would you like me to get another cart?

Polo will fill three or four when she puts her mind to it.

I brought it in with me.

- Need any help? - Oh, yeah.

No, no, have some. I love you.

You enjoy playing at poverty, don't you?

Have some. All right, give me it back. Come on. It's mine.

- This you pay for. - Look, I brought--

Cut it out, stupid. You're gonna pay for it!

You give me my sardines!

Come on, let's get out of here.

You know what time it is? It's after 5:00.

- I'm sorry. - I wanna go to bed.

So do we.

Hey.

I see.

All right. Let's run some slides anyway.

To satisfy me, that's who.

Okay?

Well...

...we knocked off another one.

- One more notch in the old stethoscope. - You're a wonderful doctor.

I keep a little black bow tie in my desk drawer...

...in case the services are in the morning and I can't get home.

The neckband is all stained with sweat.

Why are you dressed?

I gotta pick up the kids. I'm late already.

You're not abandoning me? I mean, I wasn't all that bad, was I?

Amateur night.

Without cleaning my teeth.

- You a communist, Archie? - I hope so.

Tell Mike to watch his weight.

Yes?

I'm divorcing David, if that's what you mean.

No, it's none of my business.

- Phone me. - Where?

Here.

Write down the number so you don't forget.

Hey, you wanna buy these, lady?

- Come on, they're cheap. - No.

- Buy mine, please. - No, gracias.

Go on. Push off.

- Come on, lady. Please buy these. - No!

Get away, will you? Get away!

The Department of Immigration welcomes you to the United States of America.

Buy these, lady.

Well, yes, I have been waiting for you to phone.

Still, I got in a bit of decorating. Your bedroom's mauve now.

You left without having any breakfast.

- It's about time-- - All right. Shut up, you guys.

- Come on. Come on! - Don't keep pounding.

- Who's that? - Mike.

- Fat Mike. - Oh, he's not all that thin.

You shouldn't have left without breakfast.

I had a cup of coffee.

- Well, goodbye, Petulia. - Archie?

- Yes? - Don't forget to phone.

That's a relaxing cruise about to leave.

Wonderful view of the bay, Golden Gate Bridge...

...Alcatraz and the city skyline.

They used to think that prison was impossible to escape from.

They used to think that prison was impossible to escape from.

Yes, Dad. Warren told us that last week.

Warren?

We could have gone someplace else. I didn't know you'd been.

We thought you'd never been, Dad.

Thanks. Actually, I haven't been, Stevie.

- In fact, we don't call him Stevie anymore. - Who doesn't?

Mom thinks he's getting a little old for being called Stevie.

- Like one of those radios? - I called you Stevie two weeks ago.

We were all calling you Stevie two weeks ago. I was.

Before that.

Warren says Alcatraz taught the world you can get out of anything...

- ...if you want to bad enough. - Does it?

- Warren does, does he? - Yes, Dad.

I think I just got a hernia.

Are you sure I can't tempt you, lady? No? Shrimp cocktail.

Don't touch that.

Oh, but watch it. Because the kids can get sunburned if they're fair-skinned.

Hey, what's this?

Oh, but--

Come on, scram.

Get back over there where you belong.

Get out. I don't want you here. Joke's over, you won.

Okay.

Warren ever bring you here?

- No! - No!

He would have seen the sign.

Hey, this is great, Dad. Come on up.

Come on!

Come on up, Dad. I'll race you down.

Dad, where are you?

Hey, Dad!

Dad!

Come on. Hurry, hurry, hurry, hurry!

Come on. Just stop.

- Hey, this is great. - All right.

Hey, 10 minutes to 2.

Just imagine how the time went. I'm bushed.

- I feel okay. - I've been sneezing.

- Yeah, I noticed. - He's always sneezing.

Listen, next week, I want you guys for the whole week.

- None of this three- or four-hour stuff. - All weekend?

- Why not? - To do what?

- Just you wait. - Something really interesting?

- Bet your life. - What?

- Leave it to me. - Warren said something about a roller derby.

- The roller derby's pretty darn interesting. - Yeah.

We'd have to sleep over if we're gonna spend the whole weekend.

- I want you to. - Well, it's fine by me.

- Me too. - Okay, good. It's a deal.

You've got a very nice handshake, Dad.

--thrown out by Charlie before our big guns were able to pinpoint and silence him.

In ground skirmishes later the same day, 42 VC were killed by the same 4th Battalion.

The Marines moved up during the night, and with chopper support...

- ...attacked the Vietcong stronghold... - Petulia?

...with napalm and rocket weaponry.

Our cameraman was in the third chopper and was involved in the antiaircraft....

Nice, neat kid.

--before our big guns were able to pinpoint and silence him.

In ground skirmishes--

Come on, come on! Come on!

All right, drop your left. That's right. Now swing on around. Good.

Now, there are 12 stairs down. Easy.

All right, watch it. Be careful, now. Watch your balance.

- One more. - Oh, Harry. Come and look.

Now you get the-- Now swing left.

Now come-- That's right. Right.

And drop that. Yeah, good. Watch your head.

- What's going on? - Get those people behind....

It could be a gas leak.

- She's dead. - Up on-- Back on away.

Watch that dog. Get out of here.

- That's sex for you. - It could happen to you.

- Those cops never give up. - All right.

I had the same trouble with a piano.

Two hundred dollars to get it through the window, hasn't been the same since.

Come on. Get out of the way. Give us a little room.

- I'm gonna be sick. Is she alive? - They went in a while ago.

He's got blood on his collar.

She'll have a heck of a time washing the blood out of her hair.

- Bye. - Write if you get work.

Oh, I wish my husband was home.

- Why? - He always--

Now, let's go.

Say hello to Petulia's folly.

In the past, you thought me a bit odd. Just feast your eyes on this little goody.

What's the problem?

Why don't you speak English? Why the hell don't they teach them to speak English?

This little hustler, believe it or not, picked me up in Tijuana.

- What's your name? - I can think of a name for him.

Lady say, "Hey, come on, let's go San Francisco, 10 bucks."

You bleeding little liar.

I never did. I may have said, "Maybe, if we come back to Tijuana--"

- San Francisco, huh? - San Francisco.

- San Francisco. - San Francisco.

- Okay, San Francisco. - San Francisco.

- David, David, David. - What's your name?

- Oliver. - Oliver.

Oliver.

Listen. Listen, listen, listen, David.

The San Diego bus leaves at 12:15, I've already got him a ticket.

We gotta get this on tape. He's really something else. I get a big kick out of him.

San Francisco. Unless he's a midget.

- That's it. Oliver is a 63-year-old midget. - David, David--

Come on. Get in. We got a long way to go. We'll never get home.

Okay. Okay.

I'll take him to the cashier, he'll see he gets on the bus.

But you promised Oliver San Francisco.

- I did not. - Like hell you didn't.

I dig, bitch. I dig.

- I dig. Get in! - David!

Oh, it's almost 5:30. My feet are killing me.

- I'm gonna need another one here. - Okay.

- These cork floors get your feet too? - Yeah, you know it.

I thought they were gonna change them.

- Yes, but it's the same every time. - Come on, come on, come on.

Sorry.

There it is.

Hey, you.

You know there's a policeman outside waiting to talk to you?

What the hell is going on?

Can you have dinner with us tonight?

Isn't that the greatest lens you ever saw, Archie?

Boy, you gotta admit, those Japs really know how to grind a lens.

Well, what am I supposed to do?

Spend the money on belly dancers?

Ask me what your daughter put in her steam inhalator.

- I don't wanna know. - Ask me. Cottage cheese.

Actually, I'm relieved.

I'm afraid she's madly in love with your little Stevie.

Steven.

No?

Wasn't that a gorgeous weekend? I just adore Big Sur.

It rained every day. She kept insisting she was pregnant.

You really must take Polo and the boys and--

Wilma the magic talking machine.

Put a dime in and she talks all night.

- I'm sorry. - Forget it.

I just can't think of you without thinking of Polo.

You sure?

Yeah, she made me run a frog test on her.

Had to go 40 miles in the rain. Almost hit a truck.

Could be dead and buried three years ago.

Oh, hey, I'm sorry.

I'll bet he's sorry.

Well, nothing wrong with a little old-fashioned nostalgia.

Hey, you remember that crazy Labor Day weekend we all drove down to Tahoe?

Oh, yeah. I've got those on the end of this magazine.

They just happen to be here.

- What do you think this is, a conspiracy? - Yes.

Let's see them, Archie, huh?

You go this time.

What do you want me to say, Wilma...

...that those were great old times?

Archie.

What's happening to you?

- Nothing. - Don't say "nothing."

The policeman even called here.

I'm sorry.

Splitting earache all day.

Friends have certain rights, even the right to be obnoxious.

Do you...

...love this woman?

Well, you must...

...feel something.

Yeah, I guess I do.

- Pity. - Pity?

Go to the dog pound.

You'll find 200 dogs waiting to be gassed.

Shall I tell you something?

I wish I had your guts.

Who would do such a thing to a girl like this? She's a child.

Is there an orthopedic problem, Dr. Bollen?

A doctor should get his sleep.

You left the needle in.

- From the archbishop's fund. - Take it out.

All races and creeds.

- Why hasn't her husband been notified? - I suppose they've tried.

It would be a nice surprise to have his picture here when she awakens.

- Wouldn't that be nice? - Yes.

It would give her some small comfort.

I.... I put a little tape around the needle for you.

I mentioned her this morning in the chapel. I mention all my criticals.

Next time, be more careful.

Doctor. Doctor, doctor.

Can you--? Can you make the television work, please?

Oh, yes. Well, I think.... This is not a real television set, ma'am.

- You mean it's a dummy? - Yes.

It seems a little silly, I know. But it's....

Well, the hospital feels that if....

Why don't you.... Excuse me.

It is a hospital policy.

We have a concession that brings in the dummy television sets...

...and then you can order one if you like it. You don't understand.

Doctor? Come here a minute. Thank you.

Could you explain to her why we have the dummy television sets?

We have a dummy television set in each room...

...to encourage you to want to have a real one. Would you like a real one?

- No. - All right.

Dr. Bollen. Hi, Fred Six. I wonder if I could-- If you have a moment...

...I'd like to show you the Stryker flotation pads for prevention of bedsores.

Here I have a raw egg. It's a raw egg.

I wonder if you'd oblige me by sitting down on that egg.

You might be surprised that I asked you-- Here, I'll do it for you.

You see, that's a raw egg. I'm gonna sit right down on that egg.

Now, this is a very expensive composition, doctor. Now, you realize--

Paging Mr. Webb. Would you please report to the PR office...

- ...on the second floor for the film unit. - Oliver.

Paging Mr. Webb. Second floor, film unit, PR office.

Come on, come on. Let's get on with it.

- I dig, bitch. I dig! - David!

- Get that kid out of here! Get him out! - No!

- He's not mine! - David, he's going!

- That's why you brought him here. - He's going.

Oliver, come on.

Hey, San Francisco. I sure hope there are no hard feelings.

It isn't a question of hospitality. I want you to understand that.

I feel terrible.

Dragging you up to San Francisco and not even showing you Fisherman's Wharf.

Hey, hold it a minute.

What's the rush?

Hey, you gotta have some little memento, right?

- David, for God's sake. - You see, Oliver, the basic problem is...

...we don't have the room for all the folks my old lady invites for a visit.

We're kind of short of room.

I'd give you the shirt off my back...

...but you start loading the house with make-believe kids...

...plus every Tom, Dick and Harry whose only claim to fame...

...is he knows how to do it--

It won't fit anywhere.

Hey, I don't want any hard feelings, huh?

It was nothing personal.

Hey, we'll look you up sometime, huh? When we're down that way.

- We'll have a real fiesta. - Give me.

- We'll have a ball. - Give it back to me.

- Oliver. - He give me!

- Oliver! - Oliver, please--

Oliver!

Get on.

- How's your patient? - Oh, Mrs. Danner?

- Yes, Mrs. Danner. How is Mrs. Danner? - She woke up a while ago.

- She woke up? - Should I have called you?

She's asleep now. I'm to buy her blue cornflowers and a hairbrush.

Sister Teresa phoned the police. Prayers do help, Dr. Bollen.

I'm also supposed to go across town and deliver a message to the Mendoza family.

I'm to tell them everything is okay and give them this.

Let me.

Thank you.

Hello?

Mr. Mendoza?

Mr. Mendoza?

I'm Dr. Bollen. Do you know a woman named Danner?

Petulia Danner?

No, wait. She gave me this address.

She's been beaten almost to death. You are Mr. Mendoza, aren't you?

Mendoza.

Well, this is for you.

Hey, no, wait a minute. I wanna talk to you. Hey!

Wait just-- Wait just a second.

Yeah, but I wanna--

Hey, I wanna speak to you a minute! Hey!

Hey, either of you fellas speak Spanish?

Well, I speak a little bit of Polish, if that would be any kind of help to you, sir.

Yeah, well, I gotta talk to this man in here. A woman's been beaten almost to death.

- Here? - No. Not in here. No.

- You said here, man. - You said beaten to death, but not quite?

- Yeah. - Here, but not quite here, is that it?

- Just call a cop for me. - I'd rather not.

Well, he'd better speak a lot of Polish, man, because I'm on a fantastic Polish trip.

Crazy man wants to go to police.

Sixty-five, 4-2 William Lincoln Adam 1-9-0-3-5....

Why weren't you here when I woke up?

Better not say you were when the bill comes, Dr. Bollen.

Who is this guy Mendoza?

- I'm a very sick girl. - Who beat you up?

- What happened to your hand? - Nothing to my hand.

I love your hand. I'd like plaster of Paris molds for bookcases.

Bookends.

Did David beat you up?

Was it Mendoza? Why were you sending him money?

- I'm still very sick. - I don't care.

- This man is a doctor? - The best in the world, madam.

Petulia, you're turning into something...

- ...crazy. Why isn't David here? - Don't ask questions.

Is it possible for you to ever tell the truth?

Mrs. Mendoza was looking after Oliver for me.

There was no Mrs. Mendoza.

I had to have someplace for him to stay.

David would never let me bring him home.

Bring who home?

Oh, I really am very sleepy.

Shouldn't we police the area?

Shouldn't we police the area?

Yeah, that's a good idea. Police the area.

This is keen, Dad. Water canteens and everything.

- I'm out of water. - I'll get some down at the old water hole.

- What's on the TV? - I'm hot.

Well, switch off the fire.

It really is keen, Dad.

- Well, I don't believe it. - Even canteens, Mom.

We have to hurry. The roller derby starts at 8.

It's been really keen, Mom. Nobody's ever heard of a camp-in.

It's been really keen, Mom.

Poor Archie.

Not "dumb Archie"?

No.

The brightest.

You know, I used to have such a terrible anxiety that I would die suddenly...

...and I would never have a chance to say thank you.

Is Dad allowed to come to the roller derby, since Uncle Warren couldn't?

I guess he can.

- Don't let that fat butt get away with that! - Oh, Michael.

Fat butt!

Please tell your son he can't talk like that.

- I wanna go home. - They don't mean it. It's fake.

- I want some popcorn. - I'll get it for you.

Calling about Petulia-- It's very noisy.

Here.

I said, popcorn.

- Shut up and eat your Cracker Jacks. - How is she? Dead, I hope.

- You haven't even met her. - I just have to look at you.

And she isn't going to die.

She just had her first visitor. Mr. Danner.

"His master's in hydraulics."

It's been a terrible shock to Mother and me.

Our sailor boy and his pretty bride.

As I said to Mother:

"The values we live by just don't seem to amount to anything at all anymore.

Our kids can chuck out 2000 years of Western civilization, of Christianity...

...just as though it wasn't worth a red cent."

Mother's reply, a surprise.

Well, it really sort of tickled me:

"It's easy to be an angel when you're old and all worn out...

...and nobody wants you anymore."

You see, Petulia, we do try.

I mean....

Well, there you were in that man's apartment.

Where I come from...

...in little pockets of ignorance, I suppose you'd call it...

...there are still plenty of people who live by the unwritten law.

There's many a county courthouse...

...where the husband could kill both parties and never spend one night in jail.

In my hospital, they won't send people out like sheep.

People are better than most medicines they give you.

David's finally getting around to repairing that wharf.

He's hired a couple of boys.

The three of them are really working up a sweat.

He's thinking of sailing all the way down the coast to Lima, Peru.

They say Lima is a terrific city if you watch out for the flies...

...and take sensible sanitary precautions.

I'll tell you a secret if you promise not to snitch.

I'm using propaganda on David...

...so the four of us can go.

Mother's a better sailor than I am, though I spent 18 months on a minesweeper...

...and that should have prepared me for almost anything.

Visiting hours are over.

I had lunch with your Mr. Pearl just two weeks ago.

Mr. Pearl happens to be the superintendent of this hospital.

Two weeks ago at the Blue Fox. Just the six of us.

David and I went at it hot and heavy on the value of psychiatry....

Oliver!

Pull it back, pull it off him.

- He just ran in front of it. - Where's his mother?

- He just ran out there. - Mother picked the place.

Another visit to the woodshed and a whack on the backside.

But it's late in the old ball game for that.

I'm sorry, sir, but it's time for the lady's medication.

Doesn't--?

Doesn't anyone ever report how filthy this room is?

Look at that. Filthy.

Look at that. Look at it. Filthy.

I personally raised $50,000 for this hospital during the last campaign.

You didn't know that, did you? Well, ask your Mr. Pearl.

That is, if you know what he looks like. Filthy! Filthy! Filthy!

You can tell David it's all right.

He can come out of the cupboard.

Chin up.

I've just caught the most extraordinary, fantastic man there ever was.

Hey, don't tell me that. I'll never be able to compete with myself.

Stat call. Stat call, Dr. Marsh.

Stat call, Dr. Marsh.

Dr. Feinberg. Dr. Feinberg. Can you please move your car?

I'm not sick. Don't waste time on me.

- Where is she? - Mrs. Danner? They picked her up.

The doctor said it was all right so long as she had proper nursing.

- Who picked her up? - Her husband, I suppose.

They had a long talk with the doctor. He seemed satisfied.

Take care of the sick people. I'm in tiptop shape.

Hi, Archie.

This is Dr. Bollen of the hospital. He's a splendid doctor.

- This is Agnes Lillywhite. - Our young lady is doing nicely.

We have a few problems, but nothing serious.

I get hiccups.

I just keep hiccupping along merrily for hours.

Why did you leave the hospital?

I felt ever so much better, Archie.

Oh, hello. Are you staying for lunch? We've plenty of cracked crab.

You two haven't met. This is Dr. Bollen.

Yes, I thought so. Hello there.

- I want you to go back to the hospital. - Dr. Worthington says she's doing fine.

- He's gonna make daily house calls. - Yes. He's very nice.

Petulia--

Well, now you've finally met our whole family.

Dr. Bollen, this isn't exactly what I'd call good taste.

Not to mention medical ethics.

Hey, come on, Dad, you old fuddy-duddy. Things happen.

You told the policeman you had a dizzy spell?

Right. I fell on my bottom.

- You were somebody's punching bag. - I won't have you cross-examine her.

- Your son almost killed her. - Hey, doc, I'll sit still for only so much.

I want you to remember everything this man said.

And, though it's none of your business...

...my boy was in Baton Rouge, Louisiana.

Looking at boats.

We've decided we're quite happy with the one we have.

When Dad called, I was having dinner with some cousins.

Good, mouth-watering, old-fashioned Creole cooking.

I'm all right, Archie. I just burp a lot.

Everybody gets dizzy spells.

Archie.

Well, that's over.

Yes.

I'd have turned those beautiful hands into fists.

Stop it, Petulia.

David.

You were the gentlest man I ever knew.

Fourteen B, take one. Camera, roll it.

- Okay, camera rolling. - Bill, hold the pack up.

No, put your finger over that "cancer" bit.

- Got it. - Fine.

Yeah. A little more heavy on the smoke. Little more smoke.

- Good. - If he gets more smoke....

"'The first to feel the touch of the rosy beams of morning.

The last to bid-- The last to bid the sun good night.' John Muir."

It's never too soon to think of the boys' education.

- Thought of doing something about that? - What?

- That twitch. - What twitch? I don't have a twitch.

You do. Come and see me. Don't touch it.

It'll give you a phobia. I'll fix it for free.

Oh, thanks. I will.

You know, I like you a lot more than I ever thought I would.

Warren, you're a beautiful human being.

Hi. You look better.

I feel marvelous.

Michael and Stevie?

We're gonna see the penguins.

Everything okay with you?

I'm fine.

Beaks are all tightened up. Their flippers smoothed down.

Their eyes brave and courageous.

Higher and higher, until eventually, after a long, arduous journey...

...they arrive at the summit of penguindom.

And here comes Elgin first. And behind him, it looks like George.

Behind him is Ringo. And behind him is Robert.

Elgin's gonna do his famous three-quarter-turn-to-the-left dive.

Okay, come on down, Elgin. That hurt.

- Oh, boy. - Yeah. This is Elgin.

He's coming out to play the Humboldt concerto today.

His beak is insured with Lloyd's of London for $50,000...

...so we have to be very careful with him.

Who we gonna have dive first?

It looks like George, believe it or not. George, in his 45th dive today.

Getting set.

George is gonna do his beautiful jackknife dive...

...that he won at the Cannes Olympics.

The second prize, I gave him the dive.

All the surfboard riders, just the agile, flexible, courageous, brave penguins.

We've got four.

We're going for five. Okay, turn around. Wait a minute. We got a fifth.

I think. Yes. All right.

And send it out to sea.

Then the cry goes out, "Leopard shark, leopard shark!"

Elgin, I'll start talking about your divorce, about your brother-in-law...

...and how things were in Las Vegas. Here we go.

The mums are coming in fine...

...but the hydrangeas are losing moisture around the roots.

If we can crumble it before we put them in.

Best thing to do, of course.

We were supposed to be out of here before you got home, Dr. Bollen...

...so you'd think it had gotten here by magic.

Wonderful, isn't it?

Gives you something alive in all this steel and glass.

I'm afraid there's been some mistake.

Ron and I get a big kick out of people's first reaction.

Now, this is not a toy.

This is a working greenhouse. These control your heat and your humidity.

This one's the heat, and this one here is the humidity.

You got a little bit of everything. Hydrangeas, zinnias--

- Marigolds, petunias.... - You even have a little vegetable garden.

The thing to remember is to keep the sun out.

- Sun will kill it. - These new lights work so much better.

Are you sure you haven't got the wrong apartment?

- Oh, no, Dr. Bollen. - What screwball--?

- There wasn't a gift card? - It might come by mail.

- And this is the heat and this is humidity. - Exactly.

Okay, Dr. Bollen?

Hi.

Did you get Mother on the plane all right?

Sure.

But what a dinky plane.

Poor Mama's stomach problems are far from over.

You didn't leave Papa in that horrible little town?

It's not such a horrible little town.

Hearts of artichokes.

- David. - Take your vitamin C, you limey.

Papa went with her at the last minute.

She looked so pale and scared.

They're not even pressurized.

The plane.

You suck on a tube and hope it's oxygen.

Open.

How could he, just like that? What made him--?

Well, where Mama's concerned, Papa's a very loving man.

Come on, now--

Please don't.

He promised. He promised he wouldn't leave us alone.

Honey...

...it's gonna be okay.

I cross my heart.

He promised!

Hello there, you gorgeous people. Everybody's invited for margaritas.

Mr. and Mrs. Danner have gone.

Lucky you.

Well?

Come on.

- Come on. - We didn't have to come back this early.

You're still not 100 percent well.

Icy hands.

I didn't ask Papa to leave.

All he had were the clothes on his back.

I didn't want him to leave.

All right, David.

"All right, David."

Through clenched teeth.

Only a crazy man hits a woman.

Or a coward.

I won't...

...ever again.

I'd put my hand down a garbage disposal.

I would, Petulia. I'd grind it off.

Hang on to it.

If I come for you, let me have a flare.

Right between the eyes.

I'll melt in 10 seconds.

I wouldn't do that.

You're too beautiful to melt.

Girls are beautiful.

So are unicorns, centaurs...

...cavalry officers.

Short-order cooks.

Poets...

...men of science.

When I first saw you, you were being charming to someone...

...someone who didn't even buy the boat.

And you were wearing...

...a pale-blue polo-neck sweater...

...and sunglasses pushed up in your hair and sandals...

...no socks.

Fancy trying to sell a 50-foot yacht with no socks on.

And I thought you were the most perfect thing I'd ever seen.

"Why, he can't be real, he must be...

...one of those plastic gadgets the Americans make so well.

Oh, but I want one."

Hey, relax.

We don't have to.

You say when, huh?

If ever.

If...

...never.

I'll have to admit...

...I'm not ugly.

- Ugly? Why, David-- - Stop it!

Petulia.

Stop it.

Stop it.

My baby.

My baby.

My baby.

So Chiang Kai-shek says to himself, "Goddamn, how can I make a nickel?"

Now, it costs him 2 and a half cents to make the average boiler...

...and he aggrandizes all that property.

It costs us $100,000 to put a VC underground....

- Where are the kids? - They're with my boys at my ex-wife's.

They're having such a great time, Archie.

So they sent over two bonded messengers to pick up the loot.

You tell them I've decided to skip it this year.

- Oh, would you finish pouring? - Oh, we really haven't time.

Actually, what I need is a nice, quiet blood transfusion.

Yeah. About 20 minutes.

All this split-second precision.

- No, no, come straight up. - My folks and Warren's father.

- Right. - Your Aunt Clara, you forget.

Bye-bye, baby.

- The fabulous 40s? - Oh, fabulous.

Day and Night Ambulance Service.

"Serving the American medical community for 83 years."

- Emergency oxygen? - They're very sentimental...

...about doctors at Christmas.

Oh, honey, tell Warren about that crematorium.

Well, they seem to be ignoring me this Christmas.

- What was the name of it? - I can't remember.

This red one is for your kids.

- Archie, that's very nice. - They're having a great old time...

...our boys.

- Merry Christmas. - Merry Christmas.

Four minutes. We're getting there.

- I thought you said I wasn't gonna suffer. - You're not suffering.

Watch the door, now.

They can't keep any secrets in this hospital.

- When did you get back? - Last summer.

You didn't forget me, Archie?

How could I? All those laughs.

So things go better with Mr. and Mrs. Danner.

Obviously.

How's Polo and the kids?

She got married. Mike gained 11 pounds.

How did you happen to pick this particular hospital?

Well, I just-- Oliver was very well treated here.

Why did you let me get away, Archie?

Bad timing. Dumb Archie.

Girls like me are very rare.

I could...

...call an ambulance, take you to a private hospital in Oakland.

If we didn't make it, so what, I've delivered babies in a meatwagon.

Especially a girl with your pelvis. Nothing to it.

You have a very superior pelvis.

We'd never be apart again.

You don't mean that.

I do.

I hurt.

Touch it, touch it.

Make the hurt less.

- Would you really? - Yes.

Call an ambulance at this late stage?

No. I'm different now.

Damn it, Archie, why did we have to go that motel?

Do you realize...

...we were hardly more than a one-night stand?

We didn't even give each other a cold.

Did I change you, Archie?

- You turned me into a nut. - Is that good?

- I guess so, I don't know. I hope. - Call an ambulance, Archie.

When I lie dying...

...wondering what my life's all been about...

...you won't even cross my mind.

No, wait, I lied.

About what?

I'll never forget you, Arnold.

Arnold?!

Archie?