Original subtitles

[ Theme music plays ]

-Hello, Neil.

-Better now that you're here.

-Okay.

-Oh, that was uncomfortable to watch

and I've seen Olivia trying to hold a baby.

-It's Neil's crush on me. I mean,

he was already being weird

and now I know about it, so, me weird, too.

-Been there. There was a bailiff I worked with

who had a thing for me.

Ponytail Lou.

-Oh, how'd you handle it? -Well, one night

he yelled out, "Gurgs" while in bed with his wife

and she snatched that ponytail right off his head.

[ Laughs ]

Now he's just Lou.

-Next up, the People vs Zack and Patty Ludlow.

-Mr. and Mrs. Ludlow are charged with criminal mischief

in a gender reveal gone wrong.

They set off a pyrotechnic device

inside a Ruby Tuesday's.

Oh, God, what is that smell?!

Did you walk through a geyser of cologne?

-It's not cologne, it's body spray,

and I bought it from an Uber driver.

-Your Honor, my clients were merely excited

about their announcement, which they decided to hold

in the booth where they first met. -Aww.

-And where their child was conceived.

-Uhh.

-Defense pleads guilty and asks for the court's leniency.

-My little girl is innocent!

There was a second shooter.

-I'm sorry, who is that?

-Ah, the distinguished grandma-to-be is

Mrs. Ludlow's mother.

She has her own opinions about the defense strategy.

And, while not a practicing lawyer herself,

obviously, she passed a fewbars on the way here.

-I demand a real lawyer,

not some blurry guy who's making the room spin.

-Okay, uh, how does a fine plus damages sound?

-Let me consult with my co-counsel,

Long Island Iced Tina.

Oh, that's right, I don't care.

We'll take it.

-This is your fault! -Uh --

Next case?

♪♪

♪♪

-Hey, Gurgs, what are you doing in here?

-I'm turning in my badge. -Oh.

-And my sword.

-There's no way the court gave this to you --

Oh, wow, "Property of the state of New York."

-I swore an oath

that I made up

to protect this court at all costs and tonight

a suit lost its life on my watch.

-Aw, Gurgs. You know that old saying,

"Every time a suit dies, an angel

gets a suit."

-But the fact is I should've known that woman was trouble

the moment she puked in her purse.

I have to do some soul searching.

If you need me, I'll be playing my saxophone on the roof.

-Alright, this has gone on long enough.

We need to talk about this Neil crush.

-Neil who?!

DeGrasse Tyson?

In my dreams!

That guy's married to the stars. [ Laughs ]

Yeah, I know this Neil thing is a real problem for me.

-It's worse than a problem for you.

It's a problem for me!

He's distracted, he smells like the inside

of a comedy club greenroom,

and look what he drew on the backside

of my crime scene photo.

-Aww, he put me in a hat.

I should wear more hats.

Look, I don't know what he's thinking.

He knows that nothing can happen.

I mean, I have a fiancé.

Just today, Rand sent me this. [ Chuckles ]

-I don't get it.

Is it a sex thing?

-It's an inside joke.

And it's cute.

Look, I'm doing everything I can

to shut this thing down with Neil.

Before I knew he had a crush on me,

whenever he would say something funny,

I would laugh like --

[ Laughter ]

And now, I laugh like

heh.

-See, stuff like that is what's

just going to drag this on forever.

You need to be swift and direct.

-Okay, maybe doing it quickly

is the best way to preserve his feelings.

[ Sultry jazz plays ]

-Great! Just when I thought things

couldn't get any worse --

jazz!

[ Theme music plays ]

-Okay, here's the best of the lost and found.

-Looks like most of these clothes are merch

from something called Craig-Fest 2017.

Who's Craig? -Better question is

why are these things still wet?

But I feel like you could pull this off.

-Exposed arms are just someone's way of saying

that their muscle tone is their onlycurrency.

I'm just trying to apologize for letting that lady

and her daiquiri give you a North Florida baptism.

-Listen, I'm a lawyer.

I've had things thrown at me for years.

At least this wasn't sharp or on fire

or a ferret. Poor thing was just

in the wrong place at the wrong time.

-Wait, so this happens to you a lot?

-Yeah. -Well, not anymore!

I swear, by this Sandals visor, I'll protect you!

-Um, uh-huh.

Oh-oh, wait a minute, wait.

Is that a Rolex?!

Oh, no!

It's a silverfish hive.

Aah! Ew!

Really, good job on the protecting.

I feel like they're all over me! -[ Gasps ]

-Oh, there he is. Now's your chance.

Just remember -- swift and direct.

-Okay.

Hey, Neil. -Hi.

-We need to talk.

When I was a little girl... -We're screwed.

-...I heard the story of another little girl.

Now, she was half fish, but her problems were all too human.

-Oh, no.

-Yeah, so you see what I'm getting at, huh?

-It's Gabrielle.

-Who? -Don't look!

I had a crush on her in high school.

-Ah. -We had chemistry.

The class.

I can't let her see me like this.

Play it cool, Neil, play it cool.

Nope, don't know how.

-Neil Valluri? -Oh, hey!

-I thought that was you.

-Me too!

I mean, I knew I was Neil. Hey.

-What are you doing at the courthouse?

You seem pretty traumatized.

Was it a robbery, a home invasion?

[ Whispering ] Wait, are you being held hostage right now?

-I wish! [ High-pitched laugh ]

-Ooh, this is hard to watch!

-This weirdness is what I'm dealing with every day now.

-I'm doing well. I'm a dentist now.

You probably remember. I always loved mouths.

-Yeah! -They do so many things --

smile, talk, eat.

They're not lazy, like arms. -Totally!

Arms have been riding hands' coattails for far too long.

-Yeah.

-So, what brings you here?

-I'm finalizing my divorce.

I brought these for all the nice people in the records office.

-Aww! -Huh!

The incessant smile, the way she's holding

those treats -- she... kind of reminds me of you.

-Oh, really? I don't see it.

-I do, and I think it can help us.

-Oh, and, uh, these are my coworkers.

-Well, hi! You know, I saw those and I have to ask,

are those the Funfetti cookie muffins

from Julia Child's "S'moredorable Collection"?

-Good eye. That's the one recipe I can remember.

I can't believe they pulled that book off the shelves.

-Uh, I know! It's not her fault

the Zodiac Killer used it for one of his cyphers.

You know, I actually have two copies.

You could totally have one.

-That's so nice!

-Oh, by the way, I'm Abby. -I'm Gabby.

-[Both] It's so nice to meet you!

-[ Laughs ]

Okay, yeah, maybe I see it.

[ Theme music plays ]

[ Theme music plays ]

-Thank you so much for this!

Oh! Just look at Julia,

putting out her cigarette

in that pile of cookies. [ Laughs ]

-[Both] It was a different time.

[ Laughter ]

-Okay, that's enough.

It was real nice for Abby to meet you.

-Bye. -She's great!

Hey, do you think I should do pink highlights in my hair?

-Let's not get hung up on the fact

that Neil's high school crush is basically a carbon copy of you

and let's just focus on the opportunity that we have here.

-Ooh, that Gabby and I can win the courthouse bake sale

and knock Sal from probate down a peg or two?

-No, that we should set her up with Neil.

-Yeah, yeah, they'd make a great couple.

-Like "Beauty and the Beast." [ Laughs ]

If Beauty fell for one of the townspeople

who sold bread or something.

-Or like me and Rand. You know, we met

at the 99.7 Not Bummer Summer concert.

We roasted hot dogs together

while Train played "Drops of Jupiter."

Well, a Train cover band --

Tram.

-So it's settled, then.

I'll get Neil to ask Gabby out

and you'll never tell me that story again.

Wait, is that why he sent you a train?

Now I really wish it was a sex thing.

[ Theme music plays ]

-Alright, everyone, I need to lock a perimeter

around this man.

That means six feet, Carol.

That's better.

-Gurgs, what are you doing? She's not even

the most likely Carol to hurt me.

That's Carol in the mail room.

I told her her dog wasn't that cute.

You know what? We have the Internet, nowadays.

Standards are much higher.

-Listen, I failed you once and it's not going

to happen again, so, from now on,

I'm with you day and night, no exceptions!

Except tomorrow, 'cause I got a massage at 11:30

and it'd be great if you came with me.

-Oh, okay, well, no, you see, because I have

a "never going to happen" at noon.

Let me finish my lunch! -Of course.

I just need to make sure it's safe.

-What are you ta-- What?

Gurgs, it's -- -Mm-kay.

Now, we're going to wait 20 minutes

to see if the poison kicks in.

-Are you -- Screw this.

I've got three Toblerone in my desk.

I'm going to my office. -Oh, not by yourself,

you're not! -Oh, Gurgs.

-Carol, what'd I tell you?

[ Theme music plays ]

-This is a really big step in our relationship.

I'm so honored that you wanted me to come meet your dentist.

-About that --

-Be with you in a sec.

Just finishing up with a patient.

It's a redhead, so the painkillers didn't take.

-Wait a minute. You brought me to Gabby's office?

I thought you were going to talk to Neil about asking her out.

-I was, but then I tried to picture Neil asking her out,

and I just couldn't do it.

It's shocking, the amount of scenarios

that end up with his head stuck in a honeypot.

-Come on, it's not that hard to picture.

He just walks up to her and -- Oh, wow!

How'd his head get in there so fast?

-So, now, our only shot is to get Gabby to ask himout.

And, since you two are practically the same person,

I figured you'dknow how to talk youinto it.

-We don't have to do this.

Neil can ask her out.

Let me picture it one more time.

I see them on a beach.

Not a honeypot in sight.

Neil walks up to her, and --

Oh, there it is, right on his head again.

-Sorry, ladies. The redhead is really fighting me.

Got to bring out the big guns.

[ Theme music plays ]

-Where you going? -To the men's room.

Is that still allowed?

-I'll let you know. -Ah --

-Yeah, there's someone in there and he's

real confused and angry right now.

-That's funny, because there's somebody

really confused and angry out here!

-I understand it's been an adjustment.

And that's why I have a gift to make up for it.

-What?

-It's a new watch.

It goes around your ankle, it doesn't tell time,

and it's not a watch.

Well, don't be rude. Try it on!

-No, listen, nobody is trying to poison my food

or ambush me in the men's room.

And you know what else?

My newspaper, it doesn't have to be childproofed.

When is this going to end?

-When my debt to you is paid.

-Got it.

Who wants to throw a drink

in my face?

Preferably someone with acting experience.

-[ English accent ] I went to Juilliard.

-So did I.

-Kenny, you did not go to Juilliard.

-Oh, I went to Julie's yard.

And I'm not supposed to.

That's why I'm here.

-Alright, the part is yours.

Hey, this is the easiest job you'll ever book,

so, don't get used to it.

Learn a practical skill, alright?

Like typing or...shoveling.

Let him out.

-Shoveling?

That's what I was doing in Julie's yard!

-I mean, what are the odds?

I just met you yesterday and now you're my patient!

-We got to come clean, Gab.

This visit wasn't totally coinci-dental.

[ Laughter ]

-Oh, my God. I love that.

-We made the appointment after Neil told us

how amazing you are.

-Aww, he is so sweet.

I wish I knew him better in high school,

but back then, my life revolved around my ex Steve

and being goth together.

You know how it goes.

-My fiancé, Rand, and I were goth, too!

Actually, we did adult stage managing,

but we were mistaken for goth, but it was a fun mistake.

-Steve and I were stage managers.

We met during our school's production

of "A Christmas Carol," so, every year,

he'd get us tickets for our anniversary.

Kind of became our thing.

-Rand and I have a thing like that, too.

We met at a Train concert and, every year,

that's what we do on our anniversary.

Wow, this is like listening to a mirror.

-Except your relationship hasn't ended in a messy divorce

and a Pomeranian who blames himself.

-Right, no.

Rand and I are veryhappy

and our pet pig is extremely positive.

Honestly, it's kind of toxic.

-[ Muffled] Who cares?

Just talk about the other thing.

-What? -She said, "Who cares?

Talk about the other thing."

-Oh, right, okay.

I was just wondering, though.

I-It sounds like you and Rand --

sorry, you and Steve -- were very cute together.

What happened? -I don't know.

One day, I realized all that cute stuff we had

was all we had.

Then I didn't find it that cute anymore.

I mean, "A Christmas Carol" sucks.

It's not romantic.

Only a couple scenes are sexy.

But, yeah, we kind of just... drifted apart.

-[ Muffled ] Enough of this!

Neil has a crush on you!

-Wait, really, Neil has a crush on me?

-Yes! And he's too shy to ask you out, so,

you need to be the one to make the first move.

-Oh, wow!

Huh!

-We'll give it a couple days and, if this doesn't work out,

we take the Pomeranian.

[ Theme music plays ]

-Okay, so, uh, when Gurgs comes in, you yell at me,

and then -- here, take -- and then you act

like you're going to throw this drink at me

and then let her stop you.

-I don't feel like my character would have a drink.

-Your character is a guy who wanted his bail paid.

-Right, and you did that, so why am I throwing a drink at you?

I just -- I-I'm having a hard time finding my --

my motivation.

Uh...

-Alright, fine, um --

Oh!

I stole your girlfriend.

-Oh. What's hername?

-Oh, for God's sakes, man! I --

Her name is Penelope! -Oh.

-She and I met in a cooking class

where she was learning to make your favorite dessert --

brioche bread pudding with pecan ice cream.

But now, she can't even stand to eat dessert

because the taste of sweet caramel reduction

just turns bitter in her mouth.

-And then so -- -And, yes,

you have unresolved issues with your father.

Places. -Great, yeah.

-I got to tell ya, Gabby is a wizard.

My teeth have never felt stronger.

I bit a chicken leg in half earlier.

-Oh, sorry, I was still thinking about her divorce.

I mean, one minute, everything's okay,

and then, suddenly, you're sick

of all the things that you used to love?

I mean, that won't happen to me and Rand, right?

-Well, to be fair, "A Christmas Carol"

was always going to get old.

It's just a bunch of socialist ghosts trying

to stop a decent man from running a small business.

-Hey, have y'all seen Dan?

I was guarding him in the men's room

and he gave me the slip.

I opened the stall and all I found were

a pair of pants wrapped around some mannequin legs.

-Ooh, look! There's Gabby!

-Oh. -And they're talking.

Do you think she's asking him out?

-Nah, they're talking about the weather.

I majored in lip reading at --

I said, "SUNY Binghamton."

You'd know that, if you took the class.

-Is she touching his arm?

-Oh? -Is this really happening?

-Oh! She just asked him to dinner.

Or for a skimmer.

She must have a pool! Okay, dentist!

-Did he say no?

Wh-Why would he do that?

-Hey, Fielding! I've got something for you!

-Oh, no, no! What is that?!

-[ Sighs ]

Forgiveness.

And now my story truly begins.

-Well, no, no, shouldn't it begin with you

throwing a drink at me?

Actors!

[ Theme music plays ]

[ Theme music plays ]

-Hey.

Saw you talking to Gabby before.

What was that about?

-She asked if I wanted to get dinner,

but I have plans, so.

-Neil, there's a conversation that I've been trying to avoid.

[ Sighs ] I should've done it sooner.

I know you have feelings for me.

-Do not!

Unless you have feelings for me.

-Neil, I have a fiancé, and you know that.

Just like you knew that Gabby had a boyfriend

back in high school.

Do you think it's possible that you fall for unavailable women

so you have an excuse, if it doesn't work out?

-That would explain why I had a crush on Mrs. Brady.

You could tell she was unhappy, but she was never going

to leave Mike. They were a bunch.

-If you keep doing the same thing,

one day you're going to wake up and realize that it's too late.

So, you need to decide what you really want.

I think there's someone out there

that's worth taking the risk on.

-You're right.

I'm going to ask Gabby out.

You think I should tell her I still remember

her locker combination?

-I wouldn't lead with that.

[ Theme music plays ]

-Uh, excuse me, sir? I'm going to need you to step

six feet away from this man.

-I'm going to need you to step six feet away.

-Well, I said it first!

-Gurgs, Gurgs, it's fine.

He's with me.

Look, it's very hard for me to say what I need to say.

That's why I'm going to make him do it.

-I'm protecting him

from you.

-Is this true?

-It is.

-Gurgs, it's -- it's much better this way.

Look, you can relax [ Scoffs ]

and I can stop buying mannequin legs online.

That's a very disturbing community.

-Well, as much as this hurts,

the important thing is you're safe.

Take good care of him.

He likes it when you taste his food.

-I don't.

-Hey, Neil, I just got a text from Gabby.

She said she had a great time on your date.

-Well, I'm not one to kiss and tell,

but we didn't kiss, so I can tell you everything.

-I would like to thank whomever it was

that kept me out of whatever this is.

-I'm so happy for you. -I'm so happy, too!

I don't know what to do with all this emotion!

I just want to hug all of you. [ Laughs ]

Dan?

-[ Echoing ] No-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o...

[ Mop clatters ]

...o-o-o-o!

-Ooh!

Wow! Someone really wanted a hug.

-Gurgs. Gurgs, you took a hug for me!

You were there when I -- when I needed you the most!

You're fired.

-My debt to you has been paid.

-Ah!

-Looks like you won't be needing

this Dan tracker anymore.

-Wha-- um, oh, uh, that.

I, um, I put it in a piece of bread

and threw it at a seagull.

-I was wondering how you got to Montauk so fast.

-[ Laughs ]

[ Theme music plays ]

-Well, mission accomplished.

Neil is someone else's problem now.

Wait, why don't you look happy?

-All this just has me thinking about me and Rand.

-Oh, you're getting into a whole thing.

-Wondering what Gabby's story means for my relationship.

I love all the cute stuff that Rand and I have, but,

do I want every anniversary present

to be based on "Drops of Jupiter,"

or that every trip we take has to be somewhere

you can get to by train?

It might be nice to go somewhere exotic, like Hawaii

or Staten Island.

-Well, the -- the good news is he's still upstate, so,

you've got the time and the space to figure it out.

By yourself.

Maybe with a journal or a notebook

or something else that doesn't involve me.

-♪ Now that she's back in the atmosphere♪

♪ With drops of Jupiter in her hair♪

-Why does it sound like my prom outside?

-Because Rand is on the sidewalk

with a Bluetooth speaker.

-♪ She acts like summer♪ -Guess he took the train.

-♪ And walks like rain♪

-And I thought jazz was bad.

♪♪