Original subtitles

SEX, THE ENGINE OF MY LIFE

Sex has given me everything.

Everything except life.

That was something my mother did on Christmas, 1973.

Enrique! Enrique!

My mother says she didn't give birth to me.

- Enrique! - She shat me out.

I was born on December 30, 1973.

And despite almost ending up going down the drain in a hospital run by nuns...

I had a happy childhood.

I grew up in a ridiculously wealthy household in Enguera in Valencia.

Life was great. We had money.

My father owned several companies.

He had a patent that brought him a fortune.

So, to be successful,

I only had to follow in his footsteps.

Or at least some of them.

But who would follow the footsteps of their father

if they can dart off and fuck life itself.

I never doubted it.

Sex has always been part of my life in a natural way.

I grew up surrounded by animals,

so it was for me a simple instinct, an impulse.

Nothing I hadn't seen before.

Nacho, don't be cheeky!

I'll tell your mom.

What shattered me was the crisis.

Our bankruptcy.

RUIN

Seeing my father sink as he did, that made an indelible impression on me.

FOR SALE

But I found an outlet.

Eventually, everything led me to the same place.

I'm coming!

Some think that I have a problem, that I grew up with an obsession.

But it's not so.

BIPOLAR DISORDER

I was always a party animal.

Catch the bus and forget about motorbikes, Nacho.

Yes, Mom.

Speed. Danger.

Living on the edge.

Money.

And why not say it... being the best.

Being born with a big penis has conditioned my life a lot.

I found pleasure fascinating, and fucking was the best form of pleasure.

It's a shame some people hate it.

CREATING NACHO VIDAL

SPAIN

- You screwed her. - What do you think?

Let's see what happens when Marta finds out.

- She won't find out. - Pills.

Pass me the pills.

Go, Chimo!

This is a present for you cause you are so cute.

This is all sold. Where to now?

Let's go to the Barraca, huh?

- Nacho, let's go. - Yeah, but with that girl over there.

Another one?

This is the girl I want to grab!

Let's go!

Hey, motherfuckers!

Where did you come from?

THE BAKALAO ROUTE

Come on, guys.

Fuck! The police.

- Dump all that you have. Come on, quick! - Turn off the music.

Get rid of the cans. Kun, get rid of that joint. Are you stupid?

Serious-looking everyone.

Kun, no fucking laughing, huh?

Good evening, officer.

Thank you.

These three won't be partying again.

Did you see his arm?

What's up? Was that a family or what? Should I stop so you can pray a little?

Come on. Party. Party. Party.

These guys are dead. And we are alive and kicking.

So let's go on partying!

Take this.

And have a drag, too.

Wake up, dude. Go for a swim and get your shit together.

Hey!

You need me to rescue you?

Son!

Nurse! She's going to kill me.

You're going to kill me.

Don't exaggerate.

You've been away four days. This Bakalao Route--

- Phew... Now, mom? Now? - Yes, now.

I work all day like a dog to support this family. And you...

Your father is seriously ill.

He should get down to work.

What did you say?

When he was your age he managed two companies

and an international business.

- That's more than you'll ever achieve. - We'll see.

For starters, you refused to study.

Study... I failed every subject.

Are you gonna be involved in those shady businesses all your life?

If you want to compare,

prove your worth and start working.

Marta!

Ciao.

Nacho!

- Shall we go to the cinema? - No.

My parents are not home. Home cinema?

Everything alright?

- I'm thinking of finding a job. - Another one?

I mean, a normal job.

I have to give my old woman a hand.

Or... I leave. So no one will give me lectures.

What? No, no... No damn way! I'll have a word with my old one.

- What? - With your dad?

He can get you a job as a delivery man in the supermarket.

I'll introduce you, you talk and we make our thing official.

Wait, wait. You're kidding.

That way he'll get you a job, for fuck's sake.

And I'll see you wearing that uniform. That'll turn me on.

Come.

You'll go cross-eyed.

Gas-bottle delivery man, policeman, plumber... See? Uniforms are fashionable.

- I thought you were romantic. - This is romantic, too.

Marta, parents never like their daughters' boyfriends.

Least of all if they are like me.

That's because they don't know about all your virtues.

I want you to fuck me.

This one.

LICENSE TO FUCK

He doesn't stand a chance of beating me.

They get married in the end.

EVERYTHING FOR THE DOUGH

Hello?

Hello?

Delivery from the supermarket.

Hi.

Shall I tuck this in? Or will your husband do it?

Would you like a beer?

Come on, don't kid us, you druggy!

He's made up a porn film, the bastard!

You don't believe me?

Yes, and I screwed Sharon Stone at Spook. And your mother, too.

- Wanna bet? - You eat in the same way as you fuck.

Do you want to bet?

If I win, you leave that shitty job and you'll continue dealing, OK?

And If it's true, tonight I'll dye your hair the color I choose.

Good one.

OK, done.

Look.

Give me a drum roll! Look for it.

- Disgusting. You're the sex king. - This is from a fat woman!

- You're an asshole. - It's not difficult to fuck that way.

- You're 22 but can't get a hard-on. - You asshole.

If you saw the happiness on her face.

What do you give them?

My greatest pleasure is to make them cum in bed.

What a pleasure, dude! I kinda surrender to pleasure in bed.

I mean... I like to have a hair dryer next to the bed to dry it.

If I don't dry it it's cause I haven't given it my all.

Take notes. If you don't dry the bed it's cause you have done something wrong.

- OK, professor. Note taken. - Here, a souvenir for you.

- Really? Damn! - A tip.

She gave you a 10,000-peseta tip?

Sex and money. The driving force of my life.

- Are you a gigolo? - A gigolo? Are you a gigolo?

I was told the client is always right.

- Isn't it Marta's father who pays you? - For providing a good service!

So... We don't forget.

What color did you say you'd dye your hair?

Would you like some water?

You are that girl from the beach.

I thought I was having hallucinations. What's your name?

My name's Sara.

Sara... Sara... Give me your hand. Fast, give it to me.

- Look what you've done to me! - What have I done!

- That's because of the drugs. - Want some?

I'm gonna call an ambulance, in case you faint again.

Have you washed this with hot water?

Why don't you wash your mouth?

Excuse me, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Let's start over.

- Rewind, rewind. - Rewind? Yes, that's it.

- Nacho. Nice to meet you. - Sara.

- Want some? - Yeah.

- Can you open it? - Do it yourself.

Last time I had one of those, they ended up paying for my services.

Really? Your services must be good, then.

So, what kind of service?

I make the deliveries for a supermarket. I have super powers.

I can lift a box and tell you exactly how much it weighs. Look.

Fifty-three... and a half kilos.

I too have super powers. I can lift things without touching them.

Son of a bitch!

- Baby. - Call me baby again,

I'll bite your balls off. Everyday it's a new skank.

- What are you saying? It was just a beer. - I know you're having it off with others.

What do you want? We've discussed this thousands of times.

I want to be the only one! Don't you get it?

I want you to be with me. Only me. Is that difficult to understand?

Chill, let's talk about this later.

Fuck you!

Turn down the music.

The neighbors are going to blow out the door if you don't keep quiet.

The are no neighbors here.

Police!

The cops, the fucking cops!

Shove the shit up your asses or throw it down the toilet!

Sorry, dude.

Up your ass or down the toilet.

Nacho, Marta is outside! She's on the balcony.

Up your ass or down the toilet.

She's outside on the balcony.

Here, Samu, this is everything.

Flush the toilet.

- With your hand. - Me?

Yes, come on. With your hands. Fuck! Do it. Go!

Fucking gross.

Shit, Samuel, hurry up.

Leave me alone!

Out of here. Marta what are you doing?

Son of a bitch. You're a son of a bitch!

The police are outside. Stop shouting, what are you doing?

I don't care about police! You're a bastard!

Fuck, Marta, stop!

I'm gonna cut my arm with this!

Either you fuck just me or you don't fuck anyone!

I'm not sharing you! I won't!

Listen. You're high and you're gonna get hurt. Stop.

For fuck's sake! Stop! What are you doing?

Please promise me you're not gonna leave me.

- Sorry, Nacho. - Alright, OK.

OK, no jokes, huh? Everyone looking serious.

Good evening, officer.

Didn't you hear the doorbell?

- I was taking a shit, sir. - We were... we were...

Sir, excuse them.

Out! Everyone with your ID cards and out on the street.

If there's trouble I'll beat you until we get home.

Yes. Don't worry.

Thank you. I'll talk to him.

No, no, don't worry. Thank you.

Grandpa said that you've been wanted by the military police for a year.

- Me? - Yes, you.

That's impossible. How does he know?

Because he's a colonel and he was informed about your arrest.

What have you done, Nacho?

What did he say?

That he either joins the army

or he'll be put behind bars in an army jail.

- Bravo, champ, bravo. You... - Shut up. Don't fight!

The first thing is better, right? And now what?

Now you go and ask at Bruch Barracks which options you have.

Grandpa mentioned the Special Operations Groups,

the skiers, climbers company and a bunch of other things.

I'll only say one thing. Join any company but the Legion.

Do you think I'm stupid?

SPANISH ARMY

THE LEGION

Hey, what's up with you? Come on, move your ass over there.

One, two. One, two. One, two.

One, two. One, two. Hold.

At ease!

- At will. - Legion!

Hey dude, do that again!

Were you a majorette in your village or what?

No, sir! I've done martial arts since I was a child, sir!

Rest.

Port arms!

Left shoulder arms!

Are you leaving it on the floor?

Again, for fuck's sake!

- One day detention. - Me?

- Two. - Yes, sir!

Again.

- One week. - But sergeant--

Shhh!

You, majorette, will be detained

until this bunch of morons learn to handle the rifle like you.

Yes, sir.

You'll learn... what discipline,

loyalty and honor are the hard way.

If one dies, we all die. Got it?

Yes, sir!

- Hey, I'm sorry about the sergeant thing. - You ready?

- What? - Get ready.

If I'm fucked once again because of you, you better sleep with one eye open.

So, get your act together. Did you hear me?

- Did you hear me? - Yes, yes.

Move your fucking ass.

Sergeant, sir!

You have a knack for boxing. I'd like you to teach me some techniques.

Yes, sir.

- I'm gonna give you such a beating. - Yes, sir.

Have you already screwed the Legion's goat?

Not yet, give me some time. But I have a girlfriend.

His name's Felipe. Hey, Felipe. Say hi.

How's your toilet-cleaning thing going?

My mother will be astonished when I go back.

I wash, iron and I even cook now.

You didn't join the army but a camp for ladies.

This is no joke. Here you'll get punished even just for whistling.

You made a mistake choosing the Legion.

Man, you get much more money here. Even my mom approves now.

- I'm sending money home to support her. - That's tough, Nacho!

Damn it! Do you have a war name already?

- Yeah. Bazooka. That's the name. - Because of his black guy's cock.

- Do you know he still has dyed hair? - Come on. For real?

- You know what they call me? - Tell us.

Boxer Jordá. The first day I beat four of them.

Uppercut, uppercut and down they go.

And now I'm teaching two first sergeants.

Are you thinking of staying?

No way, this is a survival trick. You have to be the best here.

You sound like my dad.

Nacho, while you're not here,

you don't mind me fucking Marta, right?

- Marta? - She's with one of a Bombilla's friends.

- She looks calmer. - We'll keep an eye on him.

- What are you saying? - Give me.

I was fucking with you. That Marta girl, she's nuts, man.

- When are you coming back? - I don't know. I'll let you know.

- I'll organize a big bender for you. - Cheer up, bro. You're almost there.

Come on. You fuckers!

I miss you! See you.

What about last month? Did you write it down?

You wrote it down. Look here. That's it. There.

And here we have the rest. With this is enough.

- There's a thousand here. - What would I do without you?

I'm lost. What about these coins? We can...

- Legionnaires to fight! - Nacho!

How did you come in?

Legionary corporal Ignacio Jordá González, sir!

Careful with her, Mom. She'll rip you off.

- She helps with the household accounts. - See?

You pig! You smell awful. Stop!

- I love you too. - Army has really changed you, huh?

- You have no idea. - You're handsome.

- You're strong! - Gorgeous!

These are all my decorations.

To the best Legionary Corporal of 1994.

- Signed by the colonel and the captain. - What's this?

What scares me is finding out what you will do now.

I'll make a living, as always. Where's dad?

- He's in bed. - Again?

Yeah.

He had a serious fit a couple of days ago and he ran away.

But he has a stronger medication to control his fits of euphoria.

I'm gonna talk to him.

I hope you're proud of me.

This is fucking paradise.

Easy boy! Leave something for the rest of us.

Baby, four shots and keep the change.

Warming up, huh?

Over there. That's the chick you like, isn't it?

That's her.

- You sure you don't want a drink? - No, thanks.

Make no mistake, darling. I only dance.

You leaving me here turned-on?

I told you that's the shit you take.

A beer, hon, please!

What about this? What is it?

Stop bragging, I've seen many of those.

I've never seen a woman like you.

Someone who turns you down? Or who doesn't pay for your services?

I see you remember me well.

When was that? Two years ago?

You were impressed by me.

I don't often watch scenes like the one with that girl.

Love sometimes can kill you.

And some offers are unacceptable.

Tell me how much.

I won't leave here without screwing you.

Are you in a hurry?

Or you don't feel like doing it again?

I don't have any money left.

But you have a huge cock.

- You're good. - So are you.

Stay here, then.

Honestly, I have no money.

It's not work this time.

This is on me.

Why're you a whore?

Why not?

I won't tell you the story of my life.

OK, so what do we do?

- Well, I'm working. - Really?

So you got ten minutes to pack up and go.

Look. We have clicked.

This has been fate. We were destined to meet again after two years.

We've been celebrating for three days. Without a break.

- I don't do that with just anyone. - Excuse me.

What is it? It wants a churro.

I'm not the girlfriend type, if that's what you're looking for.

One churro.

I don't want.

- I was thinking... - What?

- Why don't you leave it? - What?

Your job.

Why would I quit my job? I like it.

I don't know. We could do something together.

Together? You're coming to screw?

We should think about it. A show, a spectacle, something like that.

- We'll think of something. - You're pulling my leg, aren't you?

Nacho, I had a great time. Fantastic, wonderful.

- But... - We've arrived already.

Do you live here?

I'll soon invite you in.

- Give me your arm. - What for?

- 5th floor on the left, right? - Good memory.

- Now you can call me. - I'm gonna wipe this off.

- Do you like paella? - Of course I do.

Leave Friday open. This paella will blow your mind.

The best in your entire life. The best.

I'll come to pick you up.

- Bye, gorgeous. Say hi to your daughter. - I will. Thanks.

- Have you lost your mind? - My mother will love fartón pastry.

- I thought we were going to a restaurant. - This is better.

- Look at my clothes! - You look just perfect.

- For God's sake, Enrique. - We gotta paint the house.

- Could you stop? - Come on. What are you doing?

- Remove that from there. - Enrique.

- And cover this table with a sheet. - Not now.

What are you doing there? Come on, move! Come on.

Why are you here? You go there and paint. Got it?

- Dad, what are you doing? - Here's the missing guy!

- Come on. Go, go! - He stopped taking his meds.

Yes, I've quit my meds. That's why I recovered my authority.

- Come on! Focus on what you're doing! - Dad, please.

- I'm gonna paint now. - Don't talk nonsense.

And you guys can fucking leave.

They're not leaving. This house is a mess. We have to paint it.

Don't you realize? You're losing it.

You haven't got a clue. If you did, you'd start working, as I've always done.

And your mother wouldn't have to scrub floors.

That's because you spend your life sitting on that couch.

- Are you going to disrespect me? - Leave him. We can come another day.

Go away with this slut you've brought.

- Enrique! - Slut?

- For God's sake, Enrique. - Yes, slut.

- You don't talk like that about Sara. - Are you shouting at me?

- Yes. - Are you going to teach me a lessons?

- Stop! - Nacho, for God's sake!

- I'll have a beer and wait for you. - Here.

Thanks for the attempt. I know you wanted to make me feel special.

Because you are.

But you're not my pimp.

Don't wait here. It's my job, that's all. Pure show.

Go and check on your father. OK?

- Why are you here? - Where is he?

Nacho, get out. I'm working. Nacho leave now!

- Who's this guy? - Who are you?

Get out, Nacho, please!

- I've paid for a service. - Come on, cover yourself.

Nacho, I'm working. Leave, please.

Wouldn't you like to watch a good show? A proper cock. Tell her.

Come on, tell Sara! "I want to see a proper cock!"

Wait a moment, sir. Keep cleaning this shit and don't move.

Get out of here now!

I don't know when you decided to get into my life, but I don't need you.

- I'm not leaving you with him. - Get out, for fuck's sake. I'm working.

- Sara... - I'm not going to repeat it. Get out now!

I want to see a proper cock!

Bingo! Well done!

A man like you can't leave here

without watching something you will never forget.

- Ready? - Yes, yes, yes.

- Ta-dah! - Oh my God!

- He's the one who gave me this gift. - Stop! You start cleaning

and you cover yourself, Nacho! You're crazy.

Look. Let's have Mr. Shit enjoy himself!

Let's make him have a good time.

Sara, honey, please.

I'm crazy because of you.

Forget about screwing.

Excuse me, I'll pay twice as much if I can watch.

Of course you're going to pay twice as much, Mr. Shit.

Who has given you permission to talk? On your knees, you, fucking perv.

You're fucking disgusting. For fuck's sake.

I get sick when I look at you.

- Do you like this? - Yes, yes.

- We're gonna be late. - I lost the plot a bit the other day.

Don't talk nonsense. We were perfect. We're going to succeed.

Nacho, I've slept with many men before,

but I've never seen anyone doing what you do.

You have a gift and you have to exploit it. Trust me.

If you want to become somebody, this is your place.

Come here.

There it is.

Bye, Pilar. See you tonight.

Excuse me, we have an audition. Where do we go?

Through that door there. Ask for Lady.

Thanks.

You two are next.

Stop.

Alright. Thank you. We'll be in touch soon.

- Don't worry. - Thanks.

- Thank you. Bye. - Bye.

My God, what a disaster today! They were the last ones, right?

- No. The couple who phoned... - Do you need help?

- No, thanks. - Perfect.

All yours.

- It's so tough. - My first day still appears in my dreams.

Are you OK?

- What's up, guys? - Hey, yo!

- Let's do this. - Go on.

Too much dance, I think.

- What a huge dick! - Oh my goodness.

It's huge.

Blessed is she who waits patiently.

NO ANIMALS WERE HARMED IN THE MAKING OF THIS SERIES.

Subtitle translation by: Ron Sawyer