Original subtitles

♪ It seems today that all you see ♪

♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪

♪ But where are those good old-fashioned values ♪

♪ On which we used to rely? ♪

♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪

♪ Lucky there's a man who positively can do ♪

♪ All the things that make us ♪

♪ Laugh and cry ♪

♪ He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy! ♪

Ah, the office party.

Raw broccoli and sheet cake.

I like when the universe gives me easy choices.

Thank you for coming. If you haven't already,

please don't forget to Venmo four dollars to James

for the broccoli and sheet cake.

And I want to thank Paula from HR for saving us

a little money by squeeze-farting

the last three bottles of ranch dressing onto a paper plate.

Now, to the man of the hour: Moses Beauford.

Moses has been our night watchman

for the last 40 years.

(farting sounds)

Paula, I think we're good.

Today, he is retiring.

So, please meet and say goodbye to Moses Beauford.

(applause)

Now, I've looked through all y'all desks.

Where's Dave Lapoff?

My man.

Of course, with Moses' departure,

we'll need to begin our search for a new night watchman.

And what does the job entail?

- Sitting. - And?

Watching.

Interesting, but I don't know.

Hey, what was in Dave's desk anyway?

(whispering)

I'll do it.

♪ ♪

You enjoying your walk there, Brian?

Good boy, good boy.

What? I'm walking you, you're not walking me.

I'm not the one wearing a leash, my friend.

(trickling)

(sniffing)

Lot of information on the base of the pole today.

That rottweiler up the street has a UTI.

Oh, Luna's pregnant!

Oh, good for her, I know she's been trying.

Brian, this pole is AT&T, not AT&Pee.

(phone dings)

"This pole is AT&T, not AT&Pee. Potential tweet."

Hey, check it out:

a flyer for a missing dog with a thousand dollar reward.

All right, so?

Well, it's just... this dog kind of looks like me.

Boy, imagine you paint a couple spots on my face,

return me to the owner and walk off with a thousand bucks.

(laughs)

Wait. That might actually work.

Oh, because then you're just going to live

with the missing dog's owner for the rest of your life?

Come on, use your head, Brian.

I wouldn't live with the missing dog's owner, Stewie.

I'd sneak out while they're asleep and come home.

Then we could split the money 50-50.

You know, you may be on to something here, Brian.

Damn right I am.

(sniffing)

Ooh, some poor bastard's got a drinking problem.

That's your pee.

Some cool guy knows how to party.

♪ ♪

Hey, thanks for showing me around, Moses.

No problem, Peter.

First thing's first:

being a night watchman is about integrity,

dedication and muttering things you wish you'd said

to your wife during a fight earlier that day.

Who buys a quart of mint chip ice cream? You buy a pint.

Mutter, Peter. We mutter.

Sorry, this is all so new.

Hey, what's that?

Oh, every night watchman has a six-inch portable TV

broadcasting a middle-of-the-night,

sparsely attended Oakland A's game.

Welcome back to A's baseball:

"The biggest 'who cares' of professional sports."

Bottom of the fourth now, Tim.

Which Oakland A is batting next?

I've said it before and I'll say it again, Greg...

who cares.

Oh, a couple more things, Peter.

And these are very important.

First, these are the giant vats

that hold all of the brewery's beer.

You must protect them at all costs.

Whoa.

Yep, I spent many nights fantasizing about throwing

the world's biggest keg party in here.

So, Peter, you ready to become a night watchman?

Does Dave Lapoff like giant Latina butts?

You know he do!

♪ ♪

So I said, Denise, it's your wedding,

if you want to have it outdoors, have it outdoors.

Did I miss the memo where the mother of the groom

is now in charge of the wedding?

Okay, now just sit tight for a minute,

I got to go check on Doris.

That Doris is a riot.

81, she still gets her hair permed every month.

Do you know she walks here?

And she plays golf twice a week with her sister, who's 90.

Sharp as a tack, still drives.

Stewie, are we almost done here?

I just needed a quick touch-up

so I can look like that missing dog.

We are completely done.

Brian, say hello to $1,000.

Wow, Stewie, this is actually pretty good.

At cosmetology school, I was the only one

who came back after lunch.

ANNOUNCER: Cosmetology school:

we spell "school" with a "U" for legal reasons.

(faint crowd chatter over TV)

SPORTSCASTER: And a big hello to all our night watchman viewers

on the East Coast.

Time for you guys to unwrap that six-hour sandwich

and listen to me call foul balls.

- (bat cracks) - Fouled off. Oh and one.

(vehicle approaching)

(gasps) Bad guys.

(engine turns off)

This is it, Peter. Remember your training.

(yelling)

Ah! Take whatever you want!

Good evening, my good sir.

We are an all-principal drinking group

called "Principals with Vices."

"Vice Principals"?

Ah, so you got it!

Leonard said no one would get it.

You hear that, Leonard?

Yeah, I heard it.

Leonard's the principal of an elementary school,

which in our world makes him my "beyotch."

Anyway, like most principals,

we stole the driver's ed car

and have been cruising around town asking women

if we can have their attention, please.

PRINCIPAL 3: They have not given it.

No, they have not, other Leonard.

Two-thirds of all principals are named Leonard.

So now it's 2:00 a. m., the bars are closed,

and we are all still quite divorced.

Can you provide us with more alcohol?

Uh, I don't know, let me check the rules.

Oh.

Aw.

I don't know why they wrote the card that way.

Are you sure you can't let us in?

I'll show you a picture of a naked student.

That's my son!

Oh, well, I have others.

No, that's him again.

Nope, well, that's also him.

Okay, these are all Chris.

How about instead we give you $20 per beer?

Whoa, hang on.

Are you saying you'll give me cash

just to let you come in here and drink after hours?

You betcha.

Holy crap, I'm gonna be rich.

Come on in!

♪ ♪

CHRIS: That was the night a secret after-hours bar

opened up in the back of the brewery.

I'm Chris Griffin.

Naked photos were taken of me without my consent,

and my dad doesn't care.

(dance music playing)

(indistinct chatter)

Place is packed, Peter.

Word's really gotten around

about your after-hours beer operation.

Thanks, Quagmire.

It's only the second night,

and I'm already raking it in.

Peter, what if you get caught?

Impossible. I know where all the security cameras are,

and we got a massive supply of beer.

The only problem is running this place all by myself.

You know, we could probably help out.

Really? That'll be great.

- I could even cut you in on the action. - I'm down.

Look, I'm a cop and this is technically illegal,

but I suppose I could turn a blind eye

if I were to be put in charge of the music.

Done. What kind of music you thinking?

My favorite genre: songs that yell the name of places.

You want to see a guy lose his mind?

Put on Huey Lewis' "Heart of Rock And Roll."

That little baby wastes no time.

It's like, "Oh, let's just hit play

on this fun little song."

"New York! New York!"

It's sick.

"Free Fallin'" is a good one.

That song names a lot of places.

Oh, sure. If your definition of "a lot" is three.

Reseda, Ventura Boulevard, Mulholland Drive.

Yeah, not exactly moving this guy's needle.

Isn't there four in that song?

"America" is in the second line.

Doesn't count. Too general.

But the chorus in "Kokomo" where The Beach Boys

list all the islands near Kokomo?

The one where they mention the singular Bahama?

You know, not all the Bahamas, just the one Bahama?

Oh, baby. Huge needle mover.

(dance music playing)

Wow, who knew running a speakeasy would be so lucrative?

Yeah, but you guys, now that we're secretly raking in

all this cash, let's promise each other

we're not gonna blow it on mistresses and drug habits.

Agreed.

(sniffs) Hey, so quick update...

Okay, the glory hole kissing booth is up and running.

I think that thing's gonna be a big money-maker!

Everything in this place is a big money-maker.

I know, it's all going perfectly.

Well, except Keith from accounting

keeps talking about the guitar in his office,

hoping somebody'll ask him to-- uhp, he went and got it.

Yeah, I kind of mess around a little bit...

You know, it's not even so much his singing,

it's that every song has a tedious backstory.

♪ ♪

I'll be honest, this next one I wrote

during a pretty dark period in my life

when I was out in the desert,

staring up at that star-filled sky.

This one's called "Big Blue Marble."

♪ ♪

See, the thing about the desert is...

Ugh, God, go home and be with your newborn, Keith.

♪ ♪

All right, Brian, now remember: I'm the one who found you,

and I'm taking you back to your family.

Why are you dressed like that?

People aren't just going to give a baby

a thousand dollars, Brian.

So, I've created a character.

I'm a construction worker from "around the way"

named Bobby Beccorino.

Yeah, what's up, chief?

Bobby Beccorino from around the way.

How's it hangin'? Me? Probably stuck to my frickin' thigh

right now 'cause I sweat so much during construction,

know what I'm sayin'?

I'm sorry. Who are you?

Oh, I'm a whole plate of pancakes, pal.

Name's Bobby Beccorino.

You know, from around the way?

♪ ♪

Oh, my God! Rover!

Yeah, he was wanderin' around the site

where I do all my construction stuff.

Maybe you've seen it, it's around the way.

I haven't heard of a construction site nearby.

Oh, yeah. It's there.

Just hop in your car, drive around the road,

and when you get to the way? Go around it.

Okay, well, thanks for...

Yeah, ol' Bobby Beccorino was layin' drywall

with the boys when he spotted this idiot

takin' a big dump near my bandsaw.

Okay, sorry, but... don't you hang drywall?

Listen up, you little cranberry.

Bobby Beccorino's been layin' drywall

since you were in Pampers!

Okay! I'm sorry! Here's your money.

♪ ♪

Nice place you got here...

(grunting) Whoa.

What the hell?

So, Rover Four,

you thought you could escape from Chase's TikTok house?

Rover Four? TikTok house?

This weekend I'll use you for my most dangerous

and humiliating viral stunt yet.

And your fate will be that of Rovers One through Three.

Then, it'll be time to find Rover Five.

Enjoy your last couple of days alive.

Last couple days alive?

Wait, no, no. This is a mix-up.

Oh, God.

Coming here was a mistake.

Like buying that German plunger.

Ah, das gut! Yah! Yah! Yah!

I am vurthless! I am vurthless rubber boy!

Punish me now!

(dance music playing)

(indistinct chatter)

We got a problem! We're out of beer!

Crap. What are we gonna do?

Why don't you just use the money you made to buy more beer?

Hey, so quick update about the money...

♪ ♪

Well, that's the last of 'em.

I can't believe I used up all the beer, you guys.

I am in so much trouble.

MOSES: Well, well, well...

Surprised to see me?

We can't actually see you.

Yeah, you're still in the shadows.

Damn it. Hold on.

Well, well, well.

Yeah, still not seeing you, bud.

Maybe walk forward more?

I did that, man. H-How about now?

Yeah, I think I can see you now.

- Are your shoes black? - Brown.

Okay, yeah, I can't see you.

Oh, for the love of Luther Vandross!

Peter, the truth is, every night watchman steals beer.

The key is only stealing a single bottle a week

over 30 years.

Course, I'm man enough to admit I ran out of beer

from a party once when I first started.

My plan was to replace it by robbing a beer truck.

But I could never find the right team to pull it off.

You also didn't have Smash Mouth's "Walkin' on the Sun."

I'm sorry. Smash what now?

Every successful heist after 1998

began with Smash Mouth's "Walkin' on the Sun."

Yours didn't have it. Hence, unsuccessful heist.

Well, that makes no sense.

(song intro playing)

- I'm in. - I'm in. - I'm in.

I'm in.

Well, all right. Maybe this crew could pull off

the beer truck heist I never could.

Let's do it. Joe's got access to a police helicopter.

- And I know how to fly. - I'll bring the snacks!

That's the guy we never got.

We never got the snack guy.

♪ ♪

Chris, have you seen Brian?

"How are you today, Chris?"

is a nice way to begin a conversation.

I'm sorry. It's just that he and I had this plan

to make him look like a missing dog

and collect reward money.

But I can't find him anywhere

and his cell phone is going to voice mail.

Chris, you've got to help me find Brian.

Hang on, let me get out my rude little boy translator.

Oh, you said, "Will you please help me find Brian?"

Why, yes, that sounds lovely, Stewie.

(sighs) Okay, Chris. Your agent said you wanted more scenes.

These are the scenes.

(engine rumbling)

Mint Milano? Mint Milano?

I can't eat those without milk.

The mother-lovin' Snack Guy.

This is it, fellas. Everyone ready?

Wait...

- ("Walkin' on the Sun" plays) - Now we're ready.

♪ It ain't no joke, I'd like to buy the world a toke ♪

♪ And teach the world to sing in perfect harmony ♪

♪ And teach the world to snuff the fires and the liars ♪

♪ Hey, I know it's just a song, but it's spice for the recipe ♪

♪ This is a love attack, I know it went out, but it's back... ♪

What do I do now?

We call the Weekapaug Brewery

and redirect the truck to our brewery.

Then why the hell did I have to be on the roof of the-- Ah!

(yelling)

Ah!

(all screaming)

Ah...!

(all gasping)

Way to go, Peter.

This whole thing was a big waste of time thanks to you.

Hey, did anyone unstrap Joe?

(gasps)

No. We did not.

♪ ♪

Wait, this is where you dropped Brian off?

- This is a TikTok house. - How do you know that?

Every room in the house is glowing from ring lights.

Can I help you?

We're looking for our dog.

Dog? (gasps)

I think Chase brought a dog to Dangerous Stunt Beach

to do a dangerous stunt.

Oh, no. We got to help him.

Did you hear that, Stewie?

Already on your phone?

The world's up here, Stewie.

Your mind's a prison, and only you hold the key.

♪ ♪

All right, Chris. We don't have much time to find Brian.

- Maybe we split... - Oh, my God. Stewie, look!

(screaming)

Don't worry, Brian! We're here to save you!

Stewie! Chris! Help!

The guy's right over there with the remote!

♪ ♪

We got you, buddy!

All right, Chris. Here's the plan:

When I give you the signal, grab the remote,

take control of the drone,

and I'll be here to safely guide Brian ashore. Got it?

Got it. Wait. What's the signal?

What?

The signal. You said you'd give me a signal.

What is it?

You'll know the signal when you see it.

Now go!

Yeah, look. I hate to be getting into the weeds here,

but I'm just saying if I was aware

of the signal going in, I might...

Chris! I don't understand

why you're making this into such an issue.

I mean, it's-it's a signal!

It-It'll be an unmistakable signal.

Okay, see, even you classifying the signal as "unmistakable"

presumes there to be various categories of signals,

of which I am not at all aware, mind you...

BRIAN: Hey! Shut up and get me down!

Just go.

Everybody, look! Up in the sky!

It's a bird! It's a plane! It's...

"The Lubed-Up Butt Mutt."

(clicks)

ALL (chanting): Butt Mutt! Butt Mutt! Butt Mutt!

Oh, my God. I'm sponsored content.

Stewie! Give Chris the signal!

(laughter)

What's wrong with you people?

I am a hardworking, accomplished author!

STEWIE: Brian...

I am an accomplished author!

STEWIE: Brian...

- I am an author! - STEWIE: Brian...

I mostly use my computer for Bella Thorne's OnlyFans.

There you go. Proud of you, man.

Hey, Chris!

♪ ♪

A thumbs-up?

That's the signal you couldn't tell me about?

(sighs) This is bush league, man.

(growls)

Ah!

(screaming)

(grunting)

Ah!

(gurgling)

Ah! Ah!

- (grunting) - (Brian screaming)

Ah!

What the deuce?

(groaning)

(screaming)

(grunting)

(both screaming)

We're gonna crash!

(both yell)

What the hell is this stuff?

X-Y "Fire and Ice" Jelly.

Ooh, 'cause it feels really goo--

Oh! Too hot! Too hot!

Ooh, it feels really goo--

Oh! Too hot! Too hot!

♪ ♪

(phone buzzing)

That's Preston. He's waiting for me in my office.

Time to fess up and admit I'm the reason

the brewery's out of beer.

Well, it's been fun.

Peter, this is all our faults.

Let us come with you and share the blame.

No, Cleveland. For once in my life,

I got to be a man about something

and take full and total responsibility.

Preston! There's a Black guy outside

and he stole all the beer.

What are you talking about, Griffin?

The brewery has plenty of beer.

How'd it go?

MOSES: Well, well, well...

Moses?

Surprised to see me?

Yeah, again, we cannot see you.

You're really bad at this whole "emerging from darkness" thing.

Oh, sweet Patti LaBelle.

Peter, the brewery has beer again because I put it there.

Wait! Are you one of those magical Black guys

who helps white people with their problems

and then disappears?

The kind Hollywood had no problem making

many movies about until a shockingly recent time?

No, Peter. I just used every bottle of beer I stole

over the last 30 years to refill the vats.

You did?

I always thought my retirement dream

would be to move to Oakland.

But man, there's a buttload of homeless people there.

But what do you expect given the laissez-faire politics

of a California Democrat like Gavin Newsom?

Hey, hey, buddy? Buddy?

I only talk about one politician,

and that's Mayor McCheese.

Oh, I'm sorry.

So, I returned, refilled the beer,

and I'm taking my old job back.

Wow. 30 years' worth of beer in one night?

That must have taken a while.

♪ ♪

You know, that works out

to over 1,500 bottles of beer on the wall.

Which reminds me of a song.

A-one, a-two...

Damn it, Keith. Go home to your wife.

She's totally overwhelmed. Go on!

♪ ♪

PETER: Well, we learned a lot this week.

But unfortunately, we all then died

of carbon monoxide poisoning.

Probably because I took the batteries out of the detector

and put them in an old Star Tours visor that lights up.

Was it worth it? I don't know.

It wasn't so great indoors,

but it was pretty cool to wear outside at night.

Lot of head nods.

No conversations, but people are wicked timid after COVID.

Joe's the one who found us.

I think he grabbed some stuff before he called it in.

I'm gonna miss you, pal.

- Nice. Star Tours? - Yeah.

- When did you... - Hey, I'd love to chat,

but I'm a little timid after COVID.

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